If I Were You - 44: Six Degrees

Episode Date: September 2, 2024

In this episode we discuss song lyrics, facial improvements, and Kevin Bacon.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. The Now let me to two pathetic hoes. Sadness. The dance is much better with the sad theme song. That is a fact of life. You know, I don't even think about the theme song anymore. I don't know if that was the sad one or the happy one. I'm just waiting focused on the chorus, which is the same, I think, both times.

That's true. That's true. Very cool. very cool. And the hands up thing is almost like, it's like when they say when you're sad, just smile and it convinces your body you're having a good time. That's like a good way to like,

if you're tired, like going like this and swaying, it's almost like fools you into thinking this is a good song, concert, mix. It's like waking up and doing a few jumping jacks. You're like, I'm tired, but then your blood gets pumping and you're like, okay, I think I can tackle the day. Or like if you snort Adderall or butt chug a Xanax or like almost like a panzol.

Yeah, so you mix Molly in water and then you butt chug the Molly water. Yeah. You have like a backpack with like Gatorade, but it also has a DMA. And a glow stick. Hydrated. Yeah.

So I did that yesterday. And headphones you stole from a silent disco. So it can only play the songs that are playing far, far away from you that only you can hear anymore. And then over at like royalty free music, it says, please return your headphones. Please return your headphones. So you can't actually use them in an enjoyable fashion.

Actually, speaking of songs. Oh, oh. I had a song themed segment idea. This is segments after all. A is Segments After All. Yeah. A segmented podcast. That's true. Do we wanna promote the shows just in case? I'm okay.

There's still tickets in Philly. Okay, you're good. You feel like? I already called my shot slash came up short. I said, New York sold out. And I sort of felt it. At least as of today, it hadn't sold out. And I sort of felt it. At least as of today, it hadn't sold out. Yeah.

Has not. Right. But I feel like, I mean, as of this podcast, surely. But Philadelphia, we could always, of course, use a little love, a little push. Of course. In the city of brotherly love. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly right. Imagine pointing to left field and getting bean. Hit by pitch or getting a fucking base on balls. Do you think Babe Ruth would ever take all the way? Just with three oh not even getting a green light, leaning into it off the elbow, ah. That fucking killed. Where do people get the tickets?

We still don't really have a good place for it. Oh, you are at the- It's on our Instagram. Yeah, it's on my Instagram. Okay, good, yeah, good stuff. For sure. For sure. For sure.

All right, what's the music? Oh, we actually had something to tell you about first, because you remember last week when I was kind of like covered in shit and piss because of the dog? Yeah, the poop fiasco, the alope fiasco. It was funny because the very next day, my bodily function thing, or no, it was actually the same day, that evening,

because I talked to you when Dingo had, when I had like, you know, gripped his shit in my bare hand by accident and then he peeled himself. So then that, then we recorded and then that evening, I was giving Gemma a bath. I was like running the bath and she's hanging out and holding her, she's wearing a diaper. And I'm like, oh, I think she might've pooped.

And I like do the dad thing where you like just kind of, you open up the diaper to see if there's anything in there. But I guess like when I peel, I pulled it back on her back and I just like, my thumb was far enough in there that it just was, it came out absolutely covered in shit. Covered in shit. Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah.

This was in the bath too. No, not in the bath. The water was tainted. No, no, no, it wasn't in the bath. We were about to get in the bath so I'm gonna take off her diaper, but I'm like, oh, you know what? I shouldn't do that

because I think she might've pooped. Let's peek. Oh, thumb in the shit. She did poop. I'm covered in it. The bath is running. I have to call for Jill. And whenever I'm like up there and I call to her,

she thinks that something's gone horribly wrong. I'm like, oh, Jill. She's like, what, what, what? I'm like, oh, can you help me? She's like, what's going on? Gemma's up the stairs, like, it's fine. Gemma's scaring me. And then the very next day,

this is just another bodily function thing. I was walking through the subway and I felt what I thought was like an air conditioner or like um you know like something from a pipe like just dripped on the back of my leg and for some reason I instinctively touched it and I drew back just like snot and phlegm and spit like somebody had spit on my leg uh and that's almost the worst one of the three. And it was even though the other two were actual. Yeah.

A stranger spit feels worse. Way worse, way worse than my daughter or my dog. That's fine. We're family. But yeah, stranger, I don't even know where it came from. If it was an accident, if it was intentional, I just felt it kept on walking. I'm like, what is that?

Oh, and then yeah? And then, yeah. And the worst part of that one was that I was, you know that I was transferring from the L to the, I was transferring, yeah, of course, so bad that I touched it. And when it happened, I was transferring from the L to the 123, and I don't know if you remember from your time in New York.

But that's the- Yeah, the One Avenue Underground. Yeah, that's where you walk from Sixth Avenue to Seventh Avenue. But long, long, hot tunnel. Very long, very hot tunnel. Through the tunnel, no ventilation. So I'm midway through, I'm like,

just beginning that walk through the avenue, midway through my journey, because I'm like, making that transfer to the one train, and my hand is just covered in somebody else's spit. So I spent- So far away from any sink. The next 25 minutes was just like, my hand out in covered in somebody else's spit. So I spent the next 20. So far away from any sink. The next 25 minutes was just like my hand out in front of me. You didn't want to abort?

Like let me get out. I don't know what I could do. I figured this out and go back to the subway. I guess in theory. Find a hotel or something. I was, you know, I was going, I was commuting to an appointment. So I kind of couldn't like get out, find a napkin.

Take a detour. Yeah, I guess maybe I should have, but I would have had to swipe again, all that stuff. So I just like, I just went for it and I walked all the way with my hand out. What if a crazy person spit on you and you saw it, you still couldn't do anything about it? Yeah, I think it would really.

Like I'd be like, hey, but then you'd be like, what man, what, you wanna fucking fight? And be like, no, I don't want to. There's not really any. I'm really. Like I'd be like, hey, but then you'd be like, what man, what, you wanna fucking fight? I'd be like, no, I don't want to. There's not really any. I'm sorry. I guess it's all that it would do would be like, I would feel better about everything if it was like a normal accident.

I would just be like, oh, okay, you know, somebody had some phlegm in their throat, they're spitting, it's a little gross, but they didn't know I was walking there. That's way better than like actually kind of being targeted by a crazy person who hates me for some reason and is spitting on me. That's more like,

I would probably think about that for a while. The accident I wouldn't think about again. Yeah, I guess it's like, what did I do to deserve that? Although being covered in shit twice and somebody else's saliva in a span of 36 hours is also something I would be thinking about. Yeah, yeah.

It's fascinating. I don't know why it happened to me. But since then, nothing. No, yeah. Since then, thank God, it's not got some wood here. Everything is dry. Oh, you just tapped on bird shit. Yes, of course.

You just tapped on a lot of bird shit. Of course I did, of course I did. Yeah. Okay. What's your music segment? Right, music segment. I'm going to read you lyrics to songs you know, but depending on how well you know the songs,

I'll read you less and less of those lyrics. So the song you really know, I'm gonna try to read you like one obscure line from that song. Got it. If it's a song you don you know the songs, I'll read you less and less of those lyrics. So the song you really know, I'm gonna try to read you like one obscure line from that song. The song you don't know so well, I'll try to read a little bit more so you can get there. But these are all songs you know. And I got this idea because I saw a TikTok or Instagram,

I can't remember now, of somebody reading lyrics to a song that I knew, but I'm like, oh, I had no idea these were the lyrics. And that was the point of the song. I see. So that's fun. So that was the point of the TikTok. Right, right, right. Okay. I like this. So let me start with that song.

With the song that you saw the TikTok of. Yeah, exactly. Gotcha. These are all sort of 90s songs because I wanted to choose songs that you were still in your wheelhouse. You haven't really listened to new music in seven years. Yeah, right, exactly.

But they're not all Blink 182 songs, because that I would kick ass at. Well, if there is a Blink song, then I've tried to find an obscure song with an obscure line and see if you can still get it. Okay, let's find out. But for now, this one is not a Blink, that's your hint, ready?

Okay. Oh yeah, and I should say, if you're at home, you can feel free to play along. Right, am I playing for anything? Cash? Yeah. So at the live show, I'll do the bikini thing, the whipped cream bikini thing. Oh, okay, all right, great.

That'll be extra funny in Philly where we sold 11 tickets. Four people walk out. Yeah, no, that makes sense. Yeah, damn, you walked the only non-comps. Four people walk out. Yeah, no, that makes sense. Yeah, damn. You walked the only non-comps. Yeah.

They're out there demanding their money. All right. And they deserve it. Yeah, this one is not a song you necessarily know, so I'll read a little bit more than usual. Okay. It goes, you have so many relationships in this life. Only one or two will last.

You go through all this pain and strife. Close your eyes and it's gone so fast. It's gone so fast. Yeah, yeah. That's correct. Yeah, nice. Nice. Good shit.

All right, so you did know that one. Yeah. Real was about like how that song is like, it's like, seems very poppy like we remember. And then it's like, wait a minute, this one's about how as you grow older, nobody's gonna actually stick around and hang out with you when you start loosing your hair.

There's only gonna be one or two people left. It's really depressing. Like three teenage brothers. Yeah, on the Instagram it's like, weren't they eight when they wrote that? Yeah, I'm sure they didn't write it. Okay. Okay, but great job so far. Thank you. I was like, weren't they eight when they wrote that? Yeah. I'm sure they didn't write it. Okay. Okay.

But great job so far. Thank you. Okay, ready? Way better than Virtle. Yeah, Virtle was a fucking devalvel. I like Virtle. All right, ready? This one you know a little bit better, I think,

but who knows at this point, so I'll read less of the song. Although the other one, you know, after one sentence. Yeah, how much were you gonna to read of Mbapp? That full verse that you read. Yeah, that you sang. All right. She's overboard and self-assured. She's overboard and self-assured.

Oh no, I know a dirty word. Hello, hello, hello, hello. Yeah. Nirvana, smells like teen spirit. Yeah, okay. That's correct. Good work so far. Thank you.

Okay, here's the next one. I actually love music. Actually love totals. This one's the turtles. Imagine me and you. All right, ready? Yeah. With a taste of a poison paradise. With a taste of a poison paradise.

With a taste of a poison paradise. A taste of a poison paradise. That doesn't do it. I'm addicted to you. I'm addicted to you? That's not simple plan, I'm addicted to you. So with a taste of a poison paradise, I'm addicted to you. Hmm. I don't think I know this one.

Don't you know that you're toxic? Oh, yeah. Right. Okay. I got it after don't you know that you're toxic. I got it after the titular line. It's not good enough. With the day that you live somewhere.

Okay. Another song, you know well, so I won't read too much. A sign was painted, said private property. Sign was paid. I don't think I know the song that well. A sign, maybe the next line. Okay. A sign was painted, said private property, but on the backside, it didn't say nothing. Oh, Oh, wow.

All right. Now it's familiar. but on the backside, it didn't say nothing. Oh. Oh wow, all right, now it's familiar. Oh. Oh man, I don't know. I feel like with these, I'm either instantly gonna get it or I'm just not. I can read. Yeah, give me another line to help you.

Okay. Okay, I can read another line to help you. The voice was chanting as the fog was lifting. Man, oh man. Sign was painted, said private property, but on the backside it didn't say nothing. Yeah, fog was lifting. Yeah, this land was made for you and me. This land is your land? Yes. Yeah, okay. That's right.

Really tripped me up because these have been like pop songs from the 90s and I think that's a folk song from like the 1920s or something. Yeah, yeah. That's why I was trying to hop all over. Yeah, I love that song. It is a good song. Okay, here's another one.

How'd you find these songs? You just, what'd you do? I just Googled, searched, yeah, songs that you would know. You Google search songs Jake would know? Yeah, and ChatGPT actually was really, really good at it. Is that true? No, I know songs that you actually know. Okay, ready?

Yeah. This one, I'm gonna give you the least because it's, I think a song you do know. It's either Blinker, Dave Matthews or Third Eye Blind. I feel like those are the three bands that I talk about liking the most. The Shadow in the Background. The Shadow in the Background.

Oh, the Shadow in the background of the morgue. I suspect being victim. Yeah, nice. That's a pretty late Blink song. I wouldn't necessarily have known it. That you haven't said what it is yet. Oh, I think it's called I Miss You. That's right.

Hello there, the angel for my nightmare, the shadow in the background of the morgue. Yeah. Like indecision. It's called I Miss You. That's right. Hello there, the angel for my nightmare, the shadow in the background of the morgue. Yeah. Like indecision, I call you. I hear your voice. You only needed half a line for that. For this land is your land, a little bit more.

Right. Okay, here's another one I think you should know, but who knows, ready? Okay. Oh no, it go. Oh, that sounds like Weezer. Oh no, it go, goddamn, I am. What is that song called though?

Oh, is it, if you want to destroy my sweater, the sweater song? Yes. Oh no, it go, it gone, bye bye, who I, I think think I sink and I die. What a great song. This is a great song. Okay, here's another one. Not too many

left. Ready? So far, I've only missed one I kind of needed some extra on this land, your land, but toxic. That was a no for one. That was an F. This one, I again, I think I can only read half of the line. Okay. I dread the thought. I dread the thought.

Ooh. I dread the thought. I dread the thought. Oh my God, I know the thought. I dread the thought. Oh my God. I know. Yeah. It's on the cusp.

You're looking through the Rolodex of your mind. I dread the thought of our very first kiss. A target that I'm probably gonna miss. Yeah. First date. That's correct. Yeah. Nice. That's correct. Yeah.

Nice. Let's go. Don't wait. Of course you know that one instantly. I think that was it. I don't know if I have another one. Cool. Oh wait, I don't know if I read this one. Okay, so this might be the last one.

I think I did read this one, grasping to control. Oh, no you didn't. Gr I read this one. Okay, so this might be the last one. I think I did read this one, grasping to control. Oh, no you didn't. Grasping to control. So I better hold on. That's Basket Case. Nice, three words, got it. Wow, we should do it for, less and less. How, it's like name that tune, but just name the lyrics.

Yeah. Dread the Thaw might've been your best pull. Right. Cause that's kind of, it's, it's pretty deep. It's random in the song too. You know, it's just, just random verse. Yeah. Felt good. It felt good. That was my redemption from Virgil for shirtle. Which I think we're cutting out of that episode.

So now. Yeah. My agent and lawyer reached out to you, right? You set yourself a cease and desist. So Virtle was slandle. It was libel. It was slandalous and scandalous. Libels actually a good, good word for Virgil.

Oh, that's true. Okay. Let's take a break. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. I love you, Helix. I really do. So Jake, you took the sleep quiz and they sent you a perfect mattress for your body. More or less.

Yes. That's exactly how it works. So you know that the perfect mattress is just two minutes away after taking that very easy, very quick, and kind of fun to fill up. Some people can do it in two minutes. If you are a laissez-faire, lackadaisical, and if you don't give a shit, and if you didn't study,

then yeah, two minutes is really all it does take, but you can give a lot more. That's all I'll say. Okay. That's all I'll say. Anyway, you take the sleep quiz, and then that personalized mattress is shipped right to you. I've actually had enough of you belittling me

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I was gonna say. Okay. Yeah, the mattress is shipped straight to your door. Yes, it is. shipped straight to your door. Yes, it is, comes right to your door. It's pretty neat. And it's not just Jake that loves the mattress. Pretty neat.

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Hey, here's an idea you had. Six degrees of Kevin Bacon, but for us. Exactly. Basically, who do we have access to? How quick could we make a call to a celebrity? We've never really been in anything. I guess we could do it all through Harold and Kumar if we wanna just entirely funneled

through just our one shared movie credit. Right, exactly. Or we can do like, you know, we know Rose, she's in a movie with whoever. Oh, I see. So it's like. So we can use people that we know in our extended years. How quick,

or people that we acted with, like Rose was in an episode, Ben was in an episode, Yeah, exactly. we can use through our web series. Right, so like, let's say, for example, I'm just on IMDB's most famous people, Ryan Reynolds. Let's say Ryan Reynolds needs to do a podcast.

We need to get to Ryan. How do we get to him? Who do we call who like in the fewest amount of people? I got, I have a good one. Okay. Those ones should through shared credits, but Ryan Reynolds was in the Wolverine movie with Hugh Jackman, Deadpool Wolverine.

Yeah. Have you seen that movie? I haven't, but I should, I probably would like it. I've seen the reviews from people I know from that movie vary from this is the greatest movie ever to this movie made me depressed, never wanna see a movie again or work in Hollywood. I'm so despondent. I'm like, wow, what a wide, wide swath of reviews

from this one seemingly innocuous movie. Well, I think they've got, the first one was like kind of self-referential. The second one was like pretty snarky and the third one might be like, I don't know, almost like jaded by the film industry or something. So that's, I'm curious if it's just a lot of like, it's a lot of like inside baseball,

Hollywood is broken type thing. Yeah. Okay, so you got to Hugh Jackman. Yeah. And then I believe Ben wrote that Hugh Jackman like Oscars or something. Opening Oscars, yes. Okay, so we have, we almost-

And then us to Ben. We certainly have access to Hugh through Ben, and Hugh has direct access. From you to Hugh. Right, you to Hugh to Ben. We certainly have access to Hugh through Ben and he has direct access. From you to Hugh. Right, you to Hugh to Ryan. That's pretty good. And that's actually, that's kind of like a, Also,

It's a timely phone call too. It wouldn't be like reaching out to whoever was in Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place. It's like, he has probably just finished the junket with Hugh. They're definitely. Yeah, they're friends. They did the hot ones together. Oh my God. The real hard part is the the junket with Hugh. They're definitely. Yeah, they're friends. They did the hot ones together.

Oh my God. The real hard part is the leap from Ben to Hugh. Right, cause Ben won't call Hugh for us. From Hugh to Ben to Hugh is a very large, it's like that jump in Mario 8-2, where you have to jump land on a little thing and then jump on, and then really long jump. It would have to be a Steel Ben's Phone situation.

It's a triple jump of boing, boing, boing, us to Ryan. little thing and then jump on and then really long jump. It would have to be a Steel Benz phone situation. Yeah. It's a triple jump of boing, boing, boing, us to Ryan. Okay, but it can happen. If that makes sense. Oh, here's a nice, this one's easy. Yes. Also up there, Sidney Sweeney, no issue. That's a DeMarco text.

That's, we had him on the show. Yeah, Adam DeMarco. And she was, absolutely. Oh, no, it's different seasons of the same show. They probably- What about Jeff in the ice tea commercial? But he didn't have, he doesn't have real access to her. So-

But they acted together. Yeah, but that's- That's actors access. Acting, that's six degrees of separation, but I'm talking about access. This is called Jake and Amir's degrees of access. That's what the segment is. So you want a phone to phone who has people's phone numbers.

Yeah, exactly. So, well, I mean, there you go. So who has Sweeney's phone numbers. It's still theoretically Adam because you know that he has contact with like Mike White, the director, the writer, and from- Then that's to Sweeney. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. So it's Adam to the director to Sweeney. And arguably that's easier than getting to Ryan because Adam doesn't know us as well as Ben. He might feel bad saying no, if we really hammered him for Mike White's contact. I don't think we should actually do it. I don't think we should actually do it. I don't think we should actually do this.

Yeah, the next segment, we're gonna take a break and the next segment is actually face time out of the show, yeah. What? No, no. He won't mind. I was gonna say for the Hugh Jackman one, the Chris Gethard sketch where he plays Hugh Jackman in the College Tumor video,

he was also in Lonely and Horny. So technically we have that in as well. Well, that's not, but Hugh Jackman wasn the College Tumor video is also in Lonely and Horny. So technically we have that in as well. Well, that's not, but Hugh Jackman wasn't in that sketch. Yeah. So that's not really anything. Was he though? Was he? No, he wasn't in that sketch.

I think it's like a picture of him or something. Yeah, for sure, for sure. That was when I called Hugh Jackman, Hugh Jacked Man and I thought it was really original, but it turned out somebody had made the same joke online. So it was at the very least parallel thinking. This one's interesting. I don't know what she's doing up here, but Halle Berry,

is she in something right now? I mean, I know she's famous obviously, but. Yeah, we all know Halle. What has she been in before? What's her most famous thing? She was Catwoman, but who was the Batman when Halle Berry was in Catwoman? Right, was it, oh, looks, she's in a TV show called Moonfall.

There you go. Okay. She was in Catwoman in 2004. I'm guessing it's Clooney, let's see, who was Batman? Who was Batman? I feel like Clooney's further away. We're getting further away. Is there even a Batman? Who was Batman? I feel like Clooney's further away. We're getting further away. Is there even a Batman?

In the 2004? Or was it a specific Catwoman movie? It might've been just Catwoman. I think the, yeah, the movie in 2004 was called Catwoman. Was, did anybody, it doesn't look like anybody played Batman from the IMDB. I'm sure somebody is yelling at their computer right now. Yeah.

But look, it doesn't matter. What we're trying to do is get access to Barry, which is very hard. Yeah, but I don't know what she's been in recently or with someone under like 60. What has she done for me lately slash Barry? Well, she's in this thing called Moonfall. She's in Moonfall with... What has she done for me lately slash Barry? What has she done for me, Halle? She's in this thing called Moonfall.

She's in Moonfall with- Yeah, you keep saying that, but that's a nothing burger to me. I don't know who's in that. I've never heard that. What else has she been in other than Moonfall? I don't care about Moonfall. I'm gonna tell you a little bit about Moonfall

because the director is Roland Emmerich. Sifty Sweeties. And I don't know if you have access anywhere to Emmerich. I don't. We, okay. No. Okay, okay. Patrick Wilson.

Patrick Wilson is in it. Oh, that's close. And he actually was- Josh Rubin is friends with him. Exactly. So we have really good access to Patrick Wilson. Josh is friends with him. He was in a College Humor sketch.

Was he? Yeah, I believe so. We might have met him. We genuinely might have met him. Patrick Wilson? Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Oh, right.

Didn't he file that lawsuit against you? You thought you were like stalking him or something. You like kept texting him after that College Humor shoot. Thought I was. But it was obviously a difference of opinion because I thought we were best friends. By the way, I just realized that Halle Berry is Storm in X-Men alongside Mr. Huge Jack Man

who we know is in Ben's Rolodex. So we actually do have, I mean, through Hugh alone, if we can get to Ben, we have a ton of access. Hugh is a good node. Yeah. Hugh's a really good node. Okay. Let's talk, you know, all these people,

we actually are not that far from. I just went to Mark Wahlberg and remember, we developed a, do we technically develop a project with his production company? We didn't, we never had access to Wahlberg, but. Mark Wahlberg, I don't think so. When was it, when did we ever work with him? The Reddit TV show.

We didn't work with him. Oh, that's right. But he was going to be the producer. The Ballers producers. Yeah, yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah. So there you go. So the producers of Ballers?

Yeah. Was it? Right. And Wahlbergers. Right, cause Mark Wahlberg's production company makes Ballers, I don't know what, Yeah. Was it? Right. And Wahlbergers. Right, cause Mark Wahlberg's production company makes Ballers, I don't know, I forget what it's called. But that never went slash happened. That was just an idea somebody had

about a Reddit television show that ended up being nixed before the creation. Yeah, it got pretty far. It got pretty far along in the process. Yeah, where was that gonna be? Do we have a TV channel or we were just going to shop around? You don't remember. I'm allowed to talk about industry insider stuff now.

It's been such a long time. Who cares? Everybody is either fired or dead. I think nobody cares. Yeah. It was at TBS. All of these people are going now. So it was, it was at TBS and it was going to be produced by Mark Wahlberg and Reddit.

We had the founder team at Reddit on board to do the show. And do you remember why it didn't go? I thought lawyers at Reddit were like, wait, this is too risky to talk about online or something. Or like we were gonna talk about comments and we can't deal with getting people's comments on air, like clearance issues or something. It came down to one sticking point, which was that TBS wanted to order 26 episodes and Reddit said that they wanted to do, I think it was 16 because they're like, we're not sure how like the Reddit community is going to react to it.

So we want to be able to stop after 16 episodes if everybody hates it. And Turner was like, we cannot buy the show unless you guys will commit to 26 episodes. So we were this close to being the host of a Reddit TV show. How would that have gone, do you think? I think at the time, I thought it could easily be

one of the biggest things in the world, because you kind of have like a billion people as the writers room. This is like Reddit 10 years ago too, so it was like, you know, the best of the best stuff is on the front page. That's kind of like where you go. And it's like, it's basically,

it would be like the Daily show, except a democratic process of like what gets covered every single week because it's actual users voting everything up. And the fear was that people on Reddit were like, wait a minute, I didn't give you permission to talk about this post on a television show, now you guys are using it to make money and we're not seeing any of the money

and now we're mad and we're not gonna use Reddit. I guess that was not communicated to me that I remember. I thought it was more about just like, they genuinely were like not sure if the Reddit community would think it was like, I thought it was like, well they think it's corny if we have a TV show, because it's like, this will technically be like

week old, month old content that we're talking about because that's how production works. It wouldn't necessarily ever be like, oh, this is the top of Reddit today. At best it was gonna be a show that was like made week to week. So why don't we do this idea but without anybody's consent? Like, we got too many lawyers,

too many cooks in the kitchen for this project. Right. We'll just steal the idea from the producers and then sort of try to sell it as IP in kind, digital top line stream. The issue was we were the least important piece of the puzzle. We had a golden ticket, we had won the lottery.

For whatever reason, the producers at Mark Wahlberg's company wanted us to host it. But on our own, we're nothing. Did they reach out to us? TBS wasn't ever like, oh wow, we love Jake and the Mirror, this show sounds great. They're like, whatever, Reddit is the most popular website in the world, we want the show.

Yeah, it basically couldn't happen without Reddit and the network. We shouldn't have ever even been involved. But yeah, yeah. And now is TBS still a channel or? TBS, they just lost basketball, so they probably aren't for long, right? They'll get. Well, that wasn't even TBS, that was TNT.

Oh, I thought TBS, I thought it's all Turner. Is TBS still a channel? As of 2023, TBS is still, it airs a variety of programming, including comedy series, game shows, reality, and sports. Maybe they still show Atlanta Braves baseball games. So it's, all these are still channels, right? TBS, TNT, and TruTV. Those are like the three, right?

Yeah, but it all seems like it's like just one digital app at this point. It's like, yeah, come to our website and you can watch Impractical Jokers, Ace Ventura, and American Dad. And I don't know what channel it's on. Yeah. Right, they're just kind of, they're going back.

It's all about IP. It's all about the back catalog. It's all about content that you actually own and that you don't have to necessarily distribute. You just have it paywall gated so the different communities can come and pay for your service. And it'll be like, all right,

I have to pay five bucks a month to watch my favorite show, American Dad, but that's fine. And the cable networks are like, well, this is perfect. Now we never have to pay another writer or creator or actor or director or union worker. We don't have to pay makeup artists. We don't have to pay anybody.

We're just gonna be here with the old content, people will pay for it, it's already made, this is perfect, that's their dream. And our live show in Philadelphia, is that sold the fuck out? It's sold out, you better believe that. Yes, it's sold out. Because the alien from American Dad is opening.

Yeah, yeah. And don't forget me, I'm Cleveland. Giggity, giggity, giggity goo. And I'm the other guy, quite a fire. That show's still on. Family Guy, are they making new episodes? I'm sure, I'm sure. Seth MacFarlane to Jake and Amir, what do we got?

Okay, that shouldn't be that hard. I feel like, oh, well, Seth MacFarlane was in a movie with Mark Wahlberg. Did we ever talk about our Reddit show? Yeah, so we had a golden ticket. We had a golden ticket. We had a golden ticket. There was an amount of episodes. And you know, they tear the tickets when you're walking in, they tore ours in half and they rejected.

They said, you will not get into Hollywood tonight. Yeah. Good day, sir. Speaking of TikToks and Reels, I saw an interview coming up on one of these vertical video websites that showed Gene Wilder doing an interview that said, I told the sound guy I was going to yell at Charlie, the you lose thing. That was not scripted to be a complete serious freak out.

He's like, so make sure to turn me down because we'll only have one authentic reaction to the child being blown away that I'm yelling at him. I'm not gonna tell him that, I'm gonna take it that seriously. So when he's like, you lose, good day sir. And like Charlie's like, I'm terrified. It was because Gene Wilder didn't tell him that. That's amazing.

Wow. Yeah. There aren't actors like that anymore. He also, Gene Wilder, cause it's illegal probably, he also came up with the cane getting stuck in his exit and then he does a forward flip and like lands, like he pretends to be a cripple and then he's not.

He came up with that idea and they're like, we don't really understand why you wanna do that. And he's like, that's because for the rest of the movie, you never know if I'm telling the truth or lying. And if you don't let me do that, I'm not gonna do the movie. And they're like, that's because for the rest of the movie, you never know if I'm telling the truth or lying. And if you don't let me do that, I'm not gonna do the movie. And they're like, okay. That I feel like I remember learning.

It's really funny that he's like, if you don't let me do that, then I won't do the movie. God, imagine having like that much scruples as an actor. If it were you or me, like whatever, whatever you want. What words do you want me to say? Do you want me to say, yeah, this is Charlie, just saw the idea where I'm a cripple. whatever, whatever you want. What words do you want me to say? Do you want me to say, yeah, this is Charlie. Charlie. I'm really welcome.

I love Starbucks. Yeah, I don't care. The Reddit show didn't happen because I said I wanted to host it in a wheelchair. And I was like, if I can't do that, then I'm fucking out. Cause I never want the audience to know whether I am lying. And they're like, who are you?

Yeah, that definitely doesn't fly down. We don't care who you are. Yeah, for sure. I get that for them. I'll do it with a bandaid then. That way they don't know if I'm lying. Yeah, and you will have a really bad cut under there. Uninfected gash on your neck.

All right, we'll call it there. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Woohoo! Raise the roof. I love these guys. You've used Squarespace to build websites before. You know how easy it is. Plenty of times. Yeah, it's a cinch. It's the best. You used to know how to code and how to design.

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It's incredible. You can even buy domain names on Squarespace. Like for example, Jake, what's available for people to buy if they want. tatfortit.com. Is that a tit for tat? tatfortit.com. tatfortit.

Really? tatfortit.com. That's pretty good actually. It's not bad. My idea is a little niche slash niche. So it's niche slash niche. Yes.com. Actually it's jakeherwitzisaboy.com.

That's okay. That's interesting. Jakeherwitzisaboy.com. It's kind of like Jake couldn't get his domain name so now he's like trying to figure out a cute, catchy way to build a portfolio. But actually did get my, yeah. I got my domain. So that's, that doesn't really.

People don't necessarily know that. Right. Okay. Yeah. You can all, anybody can get that and squat on it. And someday I might really want that. So if you're looking to buy a domain name or build a website,

just check out squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Boom. So the prices are low. There's got the free trials.

You just got to go to squarespace.com and then when you're ready to launch, use that coupon code segments to save 10% off. Exactly. Thanks Squarespace. Thank you. Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode of our show. That's right.

Jake, I don't know if your schedule has ever been packed with like activities, work projects, family obligations. For sure. And it just feels overwhelming at times, I wanna say. That can happen for some. Of course. So if you're feeling like you have no time for yourself, non-negotiables like therapy are more important than ever.

That's true. Yeah, feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, depressed. These are kind of normal feelings for a modern person like yourself. Yeah. And the best way to deal with those emotions is to speak to a professionally licensed therapist. And the best way to find that

is by giving BetterHelp a try. Exactly, you gotta take care of yourself, fam. Yeah, I use therapy and I find it very helpful. So if you're thinking of starting therapy, just go to betterhelp.com slash segments today. It's entirely online. It's designed to be convenient, flexible and affordable. You fill out a brief questionnaire,

you get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Whoa, beautiful. So don't skip that therapy day. Visit betterhelp.com slash segments. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash segments. And they got some low, low prices.

And if you sign up today, you can get 10% off your first month. Right on. So that's even more affordable. You don't have to deal with those awkward waiting room interactions or being in the same room as someone, it's entirely online. And again, that's just betterhelp.com slash segments

for 10% off your first month. Hell yeah. Thank you, BetterHelp. Right. All right, we're back. One last segment. All right. We're gonna celebrate. This is- Oh yeah, one last segment.

A fun little segment where I pitch you on some changes you can make about yourself, mostly physical, and you'll tell me how you're feeling about that. Okay. Okay. I mean, right off the bat, I feel kind of can you move the microphone? Surprised.

Because it's in front of your face. There it is. Okay. Not on the not on the yeah, on the zoom. Yes. I needed to see it up just right. So it's confirming a couple things things that I feel like, okay. What? All you couldn't see was my mouth. Yeah, well, that's thing number one. What do we do?

I'm not, adult braces and Invisalign. Would we do? Would we do that? Or would I do? Well, we're partners, we're working together to improve your appearance. So I, and I feel like that would raise our standing in the community.

Where are you in your Invisalign journey? I feel like you've got to be coming to the end. I have a week and a half left of my Invisalign. Wow. And so what's changed? What's been the biggest difference? My smile and my life have both changed. My life. I don't want your smile. I knew it. Yeah. I mean the big thing for me was

the crowding on my lower teeth or making it so I couldn't clean between these ones right down here. And it was giving me problems in my gum and with flossing. So I was like, so they're like, you should do it. And then the benefit will be the little cross that you have at the top of your teeth. That'll just be straight. Your bite will align. And I was like, yeah, I didn't,

I resisted doing it for a few years because they kept on asking me to do it. And I was like, I'm not going to. And then, uh, but then they got to the kind of expensive too, right? Yeah, it was expensive and it's not covered by insurance, but I was going to need a gum graft and that was also really expensive and sounded a lot more painful and I wouldn't be. You needed a threat. Yeah, it was like this is the Invisalign was less painful and I would have better teeth afterwards.

So instead of just like. It's sort of the biggest mark of being an adult is that you're not like when you're a kid getting braces is torture slash the worst thing slash you don't want it. And then to make that decision for yourself and pay for it as an adult is sort of the end of being a child. Like, yes, walking up and signing up for braces and paying for them yourself is like, that's the whole circle moment.

When I went to do it, I was like, I know that I'm going to hate this and that I'm gonna be self-conscious and that I, and I'm going to, and I'm gonna like, you know, hate the feeling of feeling these things in my mouth, I won't be able to sleep. And I just like had this vision of myself going back into the dentist like two days after they, you know,

did everything. I'd be like, take the brackets off my teeth, I can't do this, I want them gone. And actually the first thought I had as soon as I popped in, I was like, oh, the brackets off my teeth. I can't do this. I want them gone. And actually, the first thought I had as soon as I popped in, I was like, Oh, this isn't as bad as I thought. And I wouldn't say it's been like easy, easy. But it's been, I thought it was going to be a nightmare. And it was really pretty fine. And now it's over.

Are they on right now? No, I can't, I can't wear them when I podcast, but you really only have to have them on around 20 hours a day. So no podcast talk, InvisLine and no eating. Yeah, pop them out to eat, but I drink coffee with them. But sleeping and everything else. Yeah, sleep with them in

because you're changing them every single week. I think it's, I don't know, it's great too because you're watching all of the progress happen. Yeah, how many times do you have to get like a new mold where it's like, okay, now you're moved on to this one, now you're moving on to this one. Mine was 27 weeks and I had 27 different molds,

or wait, 28. Every week you get a new mold? Yeah, some people, it depends on what your bite and what your teeth look like. I think when Jill did it two years ago and hers, she would wear hers for two weeks, I think. That's a really big secret. She didn't want anybody to know that,

but that's interesting. Well, it's a perfect time to do it. And then you go to the dentist. She's wearing a mask all the time. Do you go to the dentist to get the molds or they send it to you over the mail? They, you go to the dentist. So you'll get all seven.

Once a week you go to the dentist. No, no, no, they'll give you like seven to 10 at a time. You basically are going back every two months so they can check and make sure that they're- So they trust you to move. Yeah. From one to the other. They'll look at your teeth and be like, okay, it's going well, here's the next seven.

Sometimes they have to like file your teeth to give them space to shift. And when you put the new one on that shifts it over the most, does it feel like when you used to get your braces tightened and it kind of feels tight in your mouth? For a day you feel like some pressure. There was like one day where I like got a headache

because there was a lot of pressure. But it really hasn't, no, it's mostly been fine. It's the micro mental shifting of the teeth. That has changed in decades. My lower teeth were so, like I had braces when I was 15, immediately stopped wearing a retainer. They've just been, it was like, I don't know,

a year that I had normal teeth and they've just been slowly getting worse and worse over time. Shifting, yeah. But like I even see like- God's braces are shifting your teeth out of whack. I look at like my wedding photos and I'm like, oh, my lower tooth like hasn't fully crossed over too much yet.

But then like, you know, by the time I was about to do the Invisalign, it had crossed over so much that it was like, it looked like it was almost like, I don't know, a millimeter higher than the rest of my bottom teeth. I could like see it sticking up. And I would sometimes catch it on my,

like when I would like bite something and pull my teeth back I like it would hit it so like I knew that I needed to do it but now they're pretty much on the same plane across and what I'm saying is that you're this all brings me back to the larger point which is that you have an ugly smile and bad teeth. So would you- My lower teeth are actually straighter than my top teeth. Yeah, well, you're, I mean, obviously I'm talking about your top teeth. They're a mess.

You have, you kind of- Not really. Really? I mean, I'm worried about- I have like one. Yeah. The one here is like starting to go behind. It's set so far back.

Yeah. You're gonna end up swallowing it. It's not set far back. Right. There's no way. It is touching the uvula a little bit. Yeah, you'll choke on it. It's like leaning back. You'll choke on it.

So what the Invisalign will do, and it doesn't have to be Invisalign. They also do, there's a braces company that does behind the teeth braces. Yeah. We could file them down and do veneers. Instead of Invisalign, which is a micrometal light shifting, fucking nose job it, break my teeth, reset them.

It's a week of really terrible pain because everything's like so out of whack. Yeah, broken jaw, broken teeth. I think that's fine, but there's no point in addressing the teeth if we're not going to address the whole package which is like which brings me to like a buccal fat surgery. Yeah. Either a removal or an implant either way something's got to change. Something's got to give. I want the Zac Efron jaw line. I want you, I'm curious about you shaving.

Cause like, you have not really experimented with anything. I think the last like facial hair thing you did was the big beard that you had when we were in Australia. And that was like almost eight years ago at this point, right? Yeah, right now I'm on a like six to eight week haircut plus beard schedule.

So short grows short and this is like week two of eight. But talk to me about shaving a mustache because here's my pitch. You've got the salt and pepper thing going on, which is fine. It's not really for me, but other people seem to like it. It's not for you. Yeah, you're right. It is not for you. It's not for you. Yeah, you're right.

It is not for you. It's not for you. It's not my place to say it. But the mustache is not soft, I think. Yeah, but I think. It's not your place. So here's my pitch though. Cause the mustache is actually,

it has no salt in it. It's all pepper. That's. It's brown, yeah. Yeah. I'm curious what your face might look like if you shaved the bottom and just had the mustache again. Mustache era.

And like, there's not really any risk to it. Like who cares? It will be over in four weeks if you don't like it. That's right. Same with like you shaving your head. Yeah, I would do that. Okay, if you shave your head, I'll shave a mustache. No, it's not a tip for tat.

It's gonna be- It's absolutely a tip for tat. I would shave my head. You jump in and I'll jump in after you. I'll shave my head if you do your head, I'll shave a mustache. No, it's not a tip for tat. It's gonna be- It's absolutely a tip for tat. I'll shave my head. I'll shave my head if you do Invisalign. I'll shave my head if you do Invisalign. That's a lot more expensive. I'll shave my head if you get braces for nine months. Yeah.

All right, fine. Really? And I don't even need it. That's how fucking crazy this is. I think if you do Invisalign- I'll get Lasik if you wax your ass. If you do Invisalign, then it would really suggest you do the mustache

because why not? You'll have the gorgeous new set of chompers to show off. You wanna get, you wanna clear the runway, mow the grass around there, let everybody see it. Do you know what I mean? And you'll, and you'll bick or you'll like do a one all the way around. I would do a one all the way around.

I think for, I think bicking, we would need to, we would need to talk about a little, a little extra sauce. A fecal transplant. Yeah, something for fecal transplant or maybe a bunion surgery. Because I was, I don't know if we have time, but I wanted to talk about your wardrobe. We have time for one more. Wardrobe, but the wardrobe. That's a lot easier than yeah,

because the first one was adult braces. The second was to shave my face. And now you just want me wearing new shirts. Okay, what do you think? I think it would just be kind of interesting to see you in different in less in more muted tones. What? You like color beige shirt?

Yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm wearing a teal shirt right now. Exactly. A pocket tee. Why wouldn't that? Why shouldn't that be olive? What's wrong with a sage sweatshirt? And like your shoes are kind of bright. A sage sweatshirt is just like a greenish sweatshirt or like a charcoal. I have that.

Yeah. This is really hot out. I think just like, I think black pants, olive shirt. I don't have the black pants. Yeah, there you go. So that's my pitch. I would say take it or leave it, but it's kind of more of a take it type thing.

Like let's- I guess I'll wear black pants if you shave your head. I'm down to shave my head, but it's really going to need to be mustache and braces for you. If you do mustache plus Invisalign, I will bick my head. I will bick it. What a weird deal.

That deal is meaningless. Why'd you shave your head? Oh, Mir got braces for me. Can't shave the mustache. I wanted him to have a cleaner bite. Yeah, so much so that I said I would sacrifice my hair. That I think it would be really awesome and meaningful change for you.

You would really appreciate it. You would enjoy yourself. And yes, I get a kickback. I do, I wonder if they can change your bite with Invisalign. They can, they did for me. Yeah. This is not sponsored by the way. Like I said before, my teeth are aligned within each other.

My bite is wrong. Like where my jaw, it feels like a more structural issue than the teeth placement, but yeah, maybe I'm wrong. Why don't you go to your dentist? They'll draw you up a plan. You don't even have to say yes. They will, they make the plan. They show you where the brackets are. Better yet, go I'm wrong. Why don't you go to your dentist? They'll draw you up a plan. You don't even have to say yes. They will, they make the plan. They show you where the brackets are.

Better yet, go to my dentist. Tell them Jake sent you. It's in Connecticut, but I get half off my Next Invisalign. It's in New York. I'll fucking dye my eyebrows white if you get an expander. I'll bick my mom's pubis, okay? If you get your mom's pubis.

Hey, hey, mon's my mon's mon. Come on mon. Hey mon's. Hey mon mon's. Okay. Fine. I'll get braces. He'll shave your head.

Perfect. And we'll meet back here next week and see how it looks. But for now, let's say it too. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you guys for listening for more. Check out patreon.com slash J.A. It's not just the Jake and Amir watches anymore. We're also talking Premier League football. That's right.

Specifically Tottenham from a Tottenham slant. We are the Coys boys after all. But yeah, we're posting multiple times a week now. But you will be, you will be. I look forward to sampling the league, surveying the landscape. I mean, you'll see every single team play. You will see every team play twice

if you watch Tottenham, all the Tottenham games. So there you go. Do they play every team in a row, then every team in a row, or they can play like the same teamham games. So there you go. They play every team in a row, then every team in a row, or they can play like the same team twice. They can play the same. It's, it's yeah, it's, it's not every team in a row and every team in a row.

Um, it's, it's different in the home and away games, you know, yada, yada, yada. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, okay. And, um, we'll be back here right here next week. Always happy Labor Day. I think, I think today's Labor Day for you guys. So enjoy that.

Bye, everybody. Bye. That was a Hidgum Original. Hi, Nicole Byer here. Newcomers with Lauren Lapkus and Nicole Byer is doing a live streamed fan choice episode for the finale of our season on iconic sports movies. That's right, you can finally tell us what we should watch.

And on September 5th at 4 p.m. Pacific time, we'll recap the winning movie and improvise a sequel with our friends, Paul Scheer and Rob Hubel live. Head to my Instagram or head gums to vote on the movie and then head to moment.co, C-O slash newcomers to buy tickets. Again, tune in September 5th at 4 p.m. Pacific time. If you can't watch it live,

the video on demand replay will be available for 10 days. It's gonna be very fun. Don't miss it. Get your tickets at moment.co. slash newcomers. Bye!