If I Were You - 441: Streamin' and Dreamin'

Episode Date: June 30, 2020

In this episode we discuss stinky roommates, video games, and pranking creepy DM'ers.For more us-on-podcast action check out THE HEADGUM PODCAST on the Headgum network.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Let's learn some chords. This is E sus 4. This is B7 sus 4. Okay, you now know enough guitar to get you laid. I've been working from home with somebody tonight Can't get my go-kart feeling cause I can't connect I need some help, my girlfriend doesn't wear a mask I know just the right to do is for me to ask

If I were you, here's what I'd do Take some advice from a chip on Canada's Chateau If I were you, here's what they'd do Thank God for life was saved by these two Jews Not all heroes wear grapes, yeah, I swear it's gold Give this man a gold in mind before I get old Some unsolicited advice, now I'll be prompt But you're gonna want to buy some cookies from Jake's mom

If I were you, here's what they'd do If I were you, show at your mill to get a cue I don't know That was free-falling, I think Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba You got a... Yeah, that was me 11 years ago Oh wow, I thought that was you

Alright, sorry I go I thought you were actually just saying that at the end of the song Which would have been a solid bit Yeah, does your voice change? I guess I sound the same between the ages of 25 and 37, right? My voice shouldn't change that much I would think so Yeah, I think you do

I think nothing's changed Maybe a tiny bit, a little bit of gravel A little bit of wear and tear, some age Like the fire, the passion is gone You just sort of sound like you're phoning in all the time That kind of vibe But I think, yeah, no If you heard a 60 year old talking, would it be like that guy could be 30?

I don't think so But maybe I do feel like I could tell when I'm on the phone with people if they're old or not But maybe I can't Right Or does it just like happen one day? Or is it a gradual, such subtle shift that over the course of 30 years You can't really tell the difference

Maybe it's gradual, but it feels like after 75 Like my grandfather had the oldest voice you could imagine Alright, when did that start? When he was 40, I think He turned into a grandfather As soon as you're child as a child, you become an old man voiced man I wonder, maybe, because it's sort of like the voice you choose to adopt to talk to your grandchild then Yeah

Like there's baby talk, but then there's like grandma and grandpa talk Yeah, the grand baby talk, that's what they call it That's right Kelly picked up a guitar in 2009 shortly after watching a college humor video Was it coincidence or an inspiration? Who's to say? Wow And then the shout out is that he makes music as eponymous postman on band camp

But it sounds nothing like this So save the energy and donate to your local Black Lives Matter movements instead is what he says I love this guy already So someone support his art, that's awesome So maybe you can do both Maybe you can check out eponymous postman and then also a local Black Lives Matter movement So there's time for both Definitely

Alright, that was a long theme song to get us here But you know what, we're recording a little late today, Monday, June 29th Gonna just record, upload right away one of those quick turnaround episodes I love it It's pretty exciting to you because you're now not only doing a podcast with me as like a entertainer of sorts But I'm also a gamer now which is kind of, I don't know, nice for you to have it that way for me to be like a... Don't share news Don't share news this way

It's like you're so self-dawn for you Because you have this kinship with somebody who not only has a switch Super insecure But has a twitch You're insecure, you know, like that's why you share news this way That's why you tell me it's good for me This way is awesome You can't just give me an update and I decide if it's good or not

It's great, it's great or not And it is It's actually good or great I don't even, I don't love the premise because the premise is that I'm a gamer slash twitcher slash streamer Actually that was the upshot The premise was that I already have a great job doing a podcast with you because you're a star and a celebrity That was the premise Which I reject on its face

The starting point was that I have respect for you and your craft Yeah, you want to sort of have as many pots on the kettle going as they say So I am a wordsmith, the songstress, a seamster, a teamster, a twitcher, a switcher, and a candlestick streamer So you're streaming now, you have a twitch In a way In a way I am Yeah, I started a twitch First just for fun and now it's sort of a passion project meets

A peach pit of sorts So I'll eat this stone fruit and play Mario Kart Okay And by the end of the hour I've made friends with new fans and they're watching me play and I'm playing along with them If that makes sense How does it work? Stone fruit aside, you do what? Why does anybody give a shit about-

Jesus Christ, what's with the third degree? Human-filled I'm just chatting, I'm just asking I'm really like, I'm taking a back by it, the questions Like just say that's an awesome new exciting thing and I'm honored to be in your presence You don't have to be like, how does it work? You have like a script for exactly how you wanted this to- I feel like it's supportive to ask these questions and to learn more

It is supportive and it's nice but I feel like you're putting on airs Like you don't sincerely think that it's an amazing thing for me to do it this way, the twitch Well maybe I don't, like I don't feel like I should have to think it's amazing right from the jump Like I'm allowed to ask questions and then decide later on down the road Like right now I'm like, oh this sounds intriguing I want to hear, look at, you're getting so- You should have to win me over Why use-

I should- You should be begging me to be a fan of me And I have to consider it at the end of the conversation And honestly I'm leaning very heavily towards, I don't think so So I don't even get to ask like how twitch works I need to like grovel for your love and support I need to beg you to be a fan of you and you might say no You need to grovel

Like I don't even know if I could be a fan of you on twitch Like if there's a follow, there's a like But you don't, you're against me even asking questions Like maybe, honestly you'd maybe want to share the URL for people But you don't want me to ask what it is You just want me to say, oh that's great You're amazing and move on No, not move on anymore

Cause I don't think I even want to accept that Let's just get right into the show Wait Cause now we're glossing over it And I want to spend at least an hour Promoting, self promoting Waxing promotional You should not only be groveling

You should be graveling As in take two knees on a hot cement day And beg me to be a fan of me Just tell me what it is I don't even know what it is yet You said you eat a stone fruit and play Mario Kart And I have to beg to be a fan I'll have a plum and play as Peach if that makes sense

Well I got a capture card of course It allows me to play these games While also streaming that game live To whoever wants to watch it on my twitch channel Which is twitch.tv Slash Amir Blumenfeld If I went to it right now Do you have like a twitch.tv

Slash Amir Blumenfeld So far I've done two streams Which is pretty prolific for a couple weeks One of them is me playing Zelda Super Nintendo Zelda while Ben The other one is titled Carton and Farton The other one was Carton and Farton In which I was trying to finish

First place in a Mario race And it took a little over two hours Which seems like a long time And it was as I slowly went insane And the people were sort of trolling me In the chat, on the stream, in the twitch On the day, in a way Wish you could have been there

Yeah I wish so too If it's like a thing that I get to just Yeah a two hour stream yesterday I can just log on and troll you That sounds kind of good I was supposed to take ten minutes Every race takes two minutes And I thought I would do it within like five or six races

And it took like thirty to forty And I was streaming for two hours Were you coming in second a lot? You know, I wasn't I actually didn't even get very close very often So I would finish seventh, twelfth, eighth, sixth And not really sniff the final two for a little bit Do the people that you're racing know that you're streaming

Like do they know that they're part of a twitch stream Or is it just sort of like they're just racing for their own That's right, they're having fun at home And they don't realize that they're actually the enemies And the story, the web that I'm like spinning And they might be twitching They might be streaming and twitching you also Yeah, that's possible

Nobody's signing a release because I can't really I mean I guess I see their usernames There was this one guy who was in there for an hour Called Ryan who kept beating me And I sort of started creating stories with Ryan And how like I really needed to beat Ryan And my goal in life was to beat Ryan And Ryan kept on beating me

And then he finally finished first and just left So Ryan sort of, without knowing, ruined my stream And then once he left, a lot of people left Because people were more interested in Ryan than in me racing Ryan's awesome So Ryan was sort of the man slash the B story of the stream And still is And if he's listening, Ryan hit me up

Because I want to give you this podcast as a token of my esteem I would love to host this thing with Ryan He probably would be like a little Who's good, yeah I don't know Just better I was going to say a couple specific ways But I guess better

Just better generally Yeah, he's better racing and all that stuff Yeah, he's better I mean the last goes for that saying Because he was kicking your ass on the twitch But I feel like he's just more humble, smarter, better lover He seemed like a good guy Listener, better companion

Ryan And his name was just Ryan Nickname or like, you know, your handle But not Ryan Ryan was just like, I'm going to put my name You don't need a handle When your name is Ryan, that's all you need Jack Ryan

So wait, people can hear you Can you hear them? Are there people talking like on these streams? Or is it just you? If I'm tuning in, what's my sensory? Yeah, yeah, like, you know, what's pinging? What are you getting? Well, it's a video on me

And then the video of the screen of the game And then people can, like my friends can sign into the audio channel chat that I'm having So like, a couple days ago I played Zelda While Ben was sort of guiding me through the level So you can hear Ben, you can see me and see the game Cool With Mario Kart And like people's comments and stuff

Are you reading comments as all of this is happening? Are you sort of like, your eyes are on the game and talking to Ben And the comments are flying by And that's not really like what you're there for That's right, I can't pay attention while I'm racing to the comments But like in between races, I'll read the comments So like, I'll finish in 12th And then I'll look at the comments

And people start weighing in telling me how shitty I raced And then I'm back in the race And I go silent So it's not like a straight up like live stream Like we used to do it where we would just like sit there and read the comments And be like, oh, it's Claire's birthday Yeah Cool

More University of Michigan Right, I'm like interacting with the game While the chat's going on in the background Rather than me just trying to chat And the chat's interacting with, okay Cool So I've streamed a couple times on Twitch as well Right

So you get it For D&D, but never video games We're just streaming like I'm like basically just streaming a Zoom call So I'm not like looking at the Twitch either So that makes sense I kind of like that It's not necessarily there for the people that are watching the stream

But it's not necessarily there for the streamer Because I feel like that always just devolves into just like Someone rattling off shout outs Yeah Or like what else, what else Reading comments occasionally Mm-hmm Yeah

Have you been playing any new games recently? I saw that you had finally downloaded Witcher? Yeah, where did you see that? How did you know? Like it appears in my friends list Like what games my friends are playing That's so invasive

I wish it wouldn't do that Oh yeah Right here It says you logged 17 hours yesterday on Animal Crossing And 2 on Witcher And then Whoa, this is weird It usually doesn't say such details

It says you rage quit So like That's cool It uploaded an audio of you I think I might have I feel like I checked a box Whoa, that's cool I guess when you like reached that

So I checked I checked a box that I meant to leave unchecked I didn't know that they could record me And share that with friends Hold on Here's you mashing the button Sort of mouth breathing while you play This is cool

It's like a really high quality wave file That it uploaded to my page So it's only a wave file They didn't I was I'm just hoping there's no way they could like Capture video HD video

I don't know how this happened Yeah Do they send you like a DSLR That you set up or something? I don't know if I checked it Or left it unchecked Like am I supposed to check This is a really unflattering

I guess Yeah, this game is a surveillance of sorts Awesome I'll upload this to my Twitch later Please don't Yeah, I did download the Witcher It took me a long time Because it's so big

That I couldn't just download it On the switch that I had I had to like go get a tiny little Mini SD card Wow Which took me a little while Because it wasn't a high priority Next level

But then I finally did I have it And it is awesome I really love it That's cool It's not too difficult So far the hardest thing Was actually getting the game to start

Yeah Downloading the game And getting the SD card was super hard I'm also playing on like The first level above story mode So I'm not like It's not hard So much of it is just like

Really Awesomely animated cutscenes It feels almost like I'm just watching like A really high quality fantasy cartoon Of the Witcher Right And then

Like there are times when I'm like just watching the story unfold And then all of a sudden It's like Oh gameplay now I'm like Aw dammit I have to like

Move this horse to a tavern Alright one second And then I'll get to the fucking good shit Let me just beat this bad guy So the story can continue Yeah I think the game I mean the game is like

Huge In a way that's like A little intimidating There's all these side quests and stuff And I kind of I have like OCD About finishing everything But I also don't want to get like

Bogged down with like I don't know Just hunting it Or like Gathering Gathering food for a village or something You know I want to just like

Fight the big bad guy That's it Yeah get me to the end as fast as possible Basically it's an audio book With visuals And then occasionally You're slaying a monster Yeah that's really

That's basically it But like the voice acting is amazing It's really It's great to watch Are you playing on the handheld style Or up on a big TV Handheld still I have not played

This is something I would maybe play on the TV I would definitely do that But I haven't done it yet Animal Like I was only playing Animal Crossing before And there's really no reason for me to play that on television Yeah if anything It's more shameful to see this

Giant animated pig that you're controlling You're watching basically A children's story I know And like it was barely worth playing on the switch Just handheld Are you off crossing entirely? I haven't picked it up in a pretty long time

Yeah I think it's been a couple weeks I feel like The world would have to feel way more normal Or better Or good for the first time ever For me to feel like Okay I'm gonna go back to 69 land And plant some apples

At least you got a good user name I don't know why I feel like I can do that with the Witcher But yeah Every time I play Animal Crossing now It just feels like very quaint Is your nickname Or your screen name on Animal Crossing was Yak Y-A-K right?

Yeah Is that the same as Witcher in other games Or was that just an Animal Crossing name? I think that was just an Animal Crossing Or maybe it's that in Mario Kart 2 It's just when I have to choose a name But in the Witcher I'm Geralt of Rivia So I can't really call him Yak

And I would want to Geralt Like Geralt with a G? Well it's like Geralt with a T And then a G Geralt Did you choose that or is that the name of the guy in the game? It's the guy, it's the guy

That's the only guy that it can be The name is Geralt Call me Gary Please don't actually Geralt is, Geralt All of the names in it are super weird But I think it's like Norwegian Or some kind of like Slavic thing

Interesting Maybe that's why Here's a question we got from a guy named Geralt Ready? Well snuck that one in That was interesting, I like that Geralt That's a fun little hosting mechanism

Thanks, yeah I've been practicing via my stream Geralt writes, I'll keep this short How far are you willing to let your beards grow During quarantine I feel like the country's standards for physical appearance Has collectively dropped thanks to COVID And the lack of physical interaction Any hankerings for facial hair experimentation

Thanks, love, Geralt I've mostly been shaving my beard Yeah I had a mustache when quarantine first started And then I shaved it Then I grew kind of a beard Then I've just been kind of shaving Like have you ever like

In the last three months like Showered, put on a nice shirt Tucked in nice pants And presented yourself physically Like I haven't gotten ready for something important Since February it feels like I've just been wearing like sweats and shorts For the last five months

I definitely Early on was like I can't wear sweats all the time So I like will shower and put A product in my hair and pull it And not like wear Like a nice button down shirt and shoes But like I'll wear things that aren't sweats

Like nicer T-shirt or something And that's just like for yourself To feel like you're doing a productive part of society Yeah, I feel like there have been a couple of times Where there was like a zoom birthday party Or a zoom happy hour that I like Put on a colored shirt for and I showered for It felt nice. I also straight up put on

A tuxedo for the Dungeons & Dragons finale Livestream and AdPod finale How did that feel? And that was fun A tuxedo It felt great Yeah I don't think I've buttoned a button in a while

Yeah, and I like put on like the legit Like tuxedo shirt with like the stud buttons Wow And my cuff links I also wore a lot of jewelry underneath it Just felt like I got really dressed up Two necklaces on and a ring Wow, I didn't realize you have a ring

Just for exciting important days of your life Well, somebody sent... It was like an AdPod present Like somebody made a hard-won-sure-foot ring Out of like sterling silver or pewter or something Yeah, I was gonna say Some hammered metal It looked pewter from here

I could see that It was pewter Yeah, it would have been pewter It was a pewter ring But yeah, I feel like beard-wise You've had a bigger beard in regular life That's almost you showing effort It's the mask

Like It's so uncomfortable to wear a mask with a beard And to sweat Like my face just gets too hot Yeah, is it hot and sweltering and NYC still? Oh man, yeah, it's fucking... It's brutal But I kind of love it

I miss... I love the New York City summer I love getting drenched and sweat when I go outside As long as I'm prepared for it mentally Yeah, are people still wearing a mask despite the humidity? Or have masks rates dropped? In the parks that I... I mostly run or bike

Or work out in the parks when I'm going outside If I'm outside, it's to exercise But mostly I see people doing everything in masks Yesterday I was like 90 degrees and I ran the bridge And most of the people I saw were wearing masks Holy shit, running in that heat Wearing a mask additionally? Holy crap

Yeah Like when I'm running, I mostly keep my mask at my chin And then when I'm passing people, I pull it up I see So it's not like there all the time And when I put it up, it's very hard But I don't have to run for very long It's like 10 seconds when I see someone

Until when I pass them And then I pull it down Holy shit It seems intense I feel like the more than beards were growing out her hair Yeah, that's the last thing I haven't touched Since quarantine started I think my last haircut was in February

So in July it'll be five months August, half a year That's crazy Do you want a haircut? Or are you kind of digging the... I mean, you got headbands Yeah, I sort of do want a haircut Just to see what this looks like cleaned up

But then at the same time I'm like, let's see what happens if I continue this Although it's just getting worse and worse and worse I sort of know what's happening It's just getting bushier and bushier Like turning into like a helmet of fuzzy, ratty, dry ass hair I think it looks awesome I mean, eventually it's going to start to fall

And then it's going to be like shoulder length Fucking hair like Geralt of Rivia Tie it back in a fucking half bun That's cool A man bun Or he does like a half pony actually That's what he does I kind of want the sides to be shorter

Because it's like covering my ears And getting little uncouth, ratty, straggly hairs Yeah, I understand I understand Alright, let's take a break Thanks to sponsors We'll come back with more questions and answers After these messages

Alright Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode But the entire headgum network, Jake Wow That's correct I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift I think it actually is

Yeah Yeah, not just Father's Day But if for any not so tech-savvy family member That you need a gift for soon Mm-hmm These digital photo frames might be the best of all time Yeah For me personally, these things are perfect

I'll tell you why As you know, I am expecting Yeah My first child We got one for Jill's parents Oh wow We got one for Jill's grandma Holy smokes

We got one for my parents So there are three of these bad boys In our family right now But they are They're a great, really easy way to like Stay in touch with your family You can upload as many photos as you want Directly into my parents' kitchen

It's really nice Oh, that's cool So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby And then it goes to their digital photo Yeah Frame This is actually how we told Jill's grandma She was pregnant

We got her the Aura Frame We plugged it in Jill's grandma was pregnant Really nice, asshole This was actually a really sweet moment For me and my wife And you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit

Like this is how I told my grandma She was pregnant Yeah Yeah, kind of like she misheard it Or something like that Or the way you said it was kind of like Could go either way By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant

Oh my god Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant It's pretty cool And you told me with a digital photo frame Holy smokes And we let her know with an Aura Yeah Thank you

The Aura announcement So you can instantly frame photos from any device Anywhere and invite the whole family in On the fun through the Aura app Add me to your Aura app I'd love to upload just a picture of me Like at a pool or something That could be funny

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Thank you, Aura And now back to the HEADGUM podcast You were listening to This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Thank you, BetterHelp If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation Talking to a professional licensed therapist Is the best way to navigate yourself

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Thanks, BetterHelp And we are back Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a letter to the fire Mom, I'm coming Gross I don't think I do But I think you do

Yeah, I bought recently a portable projector Again, I don't want to say any brand names They're not paying us for this endorsement But there are many options For basically soda can sized projectors That you just plop down and can shoot an image Up to 100 inches of streaming content You can put Netflix on the thing

Shoot it against your wall, indoors or outdoors Perfect for outdoor movie nights Yeah, that's a fun way to spend the summer I'm into it Yeah, I'm into that I tried it last week and it worked out I was projecting it against this pretty dark Exterior wall of my house

So I'm wondering if I should shoot it Into like a whiter screen Like I have to get a light screen now To watch the videos, the movies I feel like I heard that like Just a bed sheet will work That's right, yeah, yeah In fact, if I actually staple my mattress

Over my door Kind of like zombie apocalypse style Then I can just plop the projector down there And use it that way You could watch Like a zombie Welcome to Zombieland Zombieland, is that a movie?

Yeah, Zombieland Zombieland is for sure Zombieland, you could watch that Yeah, you could watch that as a movie On the mattress On the house Pull on zombie style Yeah, on the day

That's cool So yeah, that's my unsolicited advice Get yourself a portable projector I always thought projectors were like Big old things in high school classes That had to be hardwired And I think the nice ones do Right, I remember I had a projector

Instead of a TV in my apartment once Yeah, and it was really cool But it was not like You could never just like Casually like flip something on It was an endeavor Yeah, and it was It's awesome

It's hard to watch during the day Because it's already very bright in there Right So did you watch You had like an outdoor movie night With Avi Tal Yeah, we had my buddies Sean and Christina over

So we had four of us Distanced, masked, outdoors Watching Ace Ventura, pet detective That's a fun little time Yeah That's really nice That movie Was it a good movie?

It's so silly I haven't watched it in a while Obviously I loved it like as a nine-year-old But watching it as like a 37-year-old was like Wow, this movie is like Basically like an hour and ten minutes long Of just Jim Carrey being insane

And then it ends It almost could be like a TV show It's like such a short, crazy movie It's kind of funny Like I can't imagine I feel like when we talk about Writing comedy movies now We're like talking about

Writing them for like Our peers to think they're funny But like do you think anybody That wrote Jim Carrey was like Okay, good Like all of my comedy colleagues Are also gonna love this Or are they just like

Yeah, like 12-year-olds will think This is amazing Yeah, I don't know And I don't even know if like Did Jim Carrey write it Or are they just like Outlined it and threw it at Jim Carrey And they're like

All right, Jim, you do the rest Because like so much Just do a bunch of stuff here Yeah, like When he's talking out of his ass For three and a half minutes Or like pretending to be like this Football player in a 2-2

At an insane asylum Did they script that part Or they just like Pointed the camera at Jim And told him to be funny That's really weird Maybe we should stop Thinking about being writers

And just sort of think about Like coming up with a character For someone like Jim Carrey Yeah, first I guess first You just have to find someone Who's so funny that like You don't really have to write anything You just say like

Be funny And then a Jim Carrey type would do it The world will never have another Jim Carrey He's still doing it I saw the Sonic movie He's still hilarious in that Like 30 years later So there's still time

And yeah, that's what I'm saying If we write Sonic 2 Starring our friend Ben Schwartz And Jim Carrey Like that's easy We have a line into the guy That's right Like Ben

I'm actually kind of pissed Because like I feel like Ben hasn't like mentioned us to him To Jim Yeah, I don't think he would Because I mean they Didn't necessarily even shoot together It was just Ben's voice

So I don't know how it would happen Yeah, but they did like Press tour together So just be It'd just be interesting If Ben would have like Brought us up to be like You should work with these guys

I think that would be I mean I'd appreciate that I don't know if you'd give a shit But I think that'd be pretty cool Even if he did do that And he definitely did not What would that like What do you think Jim would be like?

Yeah, thanks for letting me know About these two fucking dudes These two podcasters That you think I should work with That's cool He knows we have a podcast Okay, Mr. Carrey If you're listening

I have an idea for an Ace Ventura Three or four Yeah And a hilarious thing That didn't age well in Ace Ventura I don't know if you remember You probably remember this part But forget how trans slash homophobic

It was when he finds out That the person he kissed Was actually a guy Proceeds to like puke, shower, cry Brush his tongue And he's like Oh my god I can't believe I fight

They didn't even have sex I can't believe I kissed a guy And then at the end They see her dick And every police person They start vomiting Yeah Jesus Christ

That's definitely not good So okay Nevermind Maybe we shouldn't have anything To do with the franchise It was problematic for sure But the parts that weren't were very silly And entertaining still

So shout out to Jim Carrey For spending an evening with us And get yourself a portable projector if possible That's right That's right Alright Next questions Yes

Oh, we actually got a follow-up pub From last week's episode Remember Oh The dude who was writing in about his lady Getting potentially sugar-daddied By a guy in Texas Yes, I do

So this sugar-daddy figure Wanted to send this dude's girlfriend Cash just to chat with him And we told him that You can't necessarily put your foot down And tell your girlfriend what not to do But you can let her know that It makes you feel uncomfortable

And make her make her own decision And hopefully it lines with yours So this is what happened Right This man writes Of course Yeah, because it wasn't illegal what they did Yeah, just very inconvenient for him

Yeah But ultimately he can't be like Hey, I was fucking sugar-daddying Up this 17-year-old, 18-year-old on Instagram and she lied to me You can't complain about that Yeah So that's, I guess you guys

It's sort of weird to me that they just blocked him Like, don't you want to see how the prank unfolds? I guess they didn't want to see the part where He says, what the fuck is your problem? He got sad I'm going to yell at you Or do something mean Or say something bad about it

Yeah, I mean, I would imagine That he gets sad instead of angry But we'll never know No, nor should we Alright, here's a real question From a British bloke What's another character from The Witcher? Um, Yennefer

It's a woman, but that'll work Alright, we'll call this guy Yens I'm a 25-year-old Brit And have spent the majority of lockdown Hunkered with my nightmare housemate This guy moved in a few days before lockdown began And initially seemed nice and quiet Uh, all the good ones do at first, I guess

Uh, the issue is I frequently walked into the kitchen To find him doing something foul Including eating a bowl full of pure minced beef Drinking a pint of full fat milk Eating yogurt with his hands Or pouring bacon fat Directly down the kitchen sink Leading to a two-day blockage

Oh, dear Um, no Not only- Two-day blockage Not only this, but he appears to buy bags Of full meat on clearance And then leaves them out on the counter for days Since there's no room left in the fridge

This results in him throwing away a small garbage bag Or two full of rotten meat That then sits in the garden until collected Several times now, this has led to Riding piles of maggots appearing And aside from him slowly killing himself with his diet It's gotten to the point where I feel physically disgusted To be in the kitchen while he's eating

What would you do in this situation? He's 24 and by now should have learned to feed himself Uh, or how to be a courteous housemate I've considered talking to him about it But this feels too much to try to explain to him all at once Should I speak up or just ride it out At the end of a lockdown Thanks, love

Yens Okay Yens The meat on the counter The slowly rotting countermeat This guy's like a zombie or something Or an alien in a men in black movie What is he doing?

Yeah I mean, there's parts- I feel like it's- It's all like case by case Cause there's some stuff- Like him eating yogurt with his hands Is super foul But you shouldn't necessarily go to your roommate

Be like, hey, you have to use a spoon Cause I'm like feeling grossed out But you can be like, hey You're leaving meat To rot on the counter Or you're wrecking the plumbing Of our ancient British house You-

You can say stuff about It sounds like half the stuff that he's doing Yeah It seems like you have to draw the line At something Dave Rosenberg would or would not do Like, what can you imagine him doing of this stuff And what can you imagine it being Even too much for Dave

Oh God, Dave would do all of this stuff Including the rotten meat Alright, no, I think Dave might- Dave cooks a lot of bacon I think he would not- He would not pour the bacon grease right down He knows not to do that

And I don't think he'd leave Meat to rot on the counter But- I think he wouldn't do those things You basically- With his hands he would- Dave would do Yeah, Dave would do that Drinking the milk

He would definitely do that Yeah, he'd do everything else So I think you could say, listen man Like, yogurt with your hands Like you said, that's fine But as soon as it starts encroaching On my ability to stay healthy You can have that conversation

Liquid Rotten meat juice On the counter is bad for your health It's not just like a gross thing To see or deal with in the apartment Exactly It's dangerous, it's a risk It's a hazard

Like the drains getting fucked up That's your security deposit But that's cash, that's money Your pocket that he's taken from you And I like to- During these things I like to sort of Passive aggressively start it with like I have this weird thing

Where I'm like super sensitive To bags of rotten fucking beef everywhere On the maggots I am a weirdo like that That's just me Sensitive flour So that way you can be like, no, you're right That is crazy, I'd be like, yeah, alright

You're a sensitive guy, but I'll do it for you Yeah, I don't know what I would do I feel like I'm so passive that I would just be like Hey, do you want me to throw out that meat I don't think so, I'll take a look at it later Are the maggots on it yet? Meat can keep at room temperature For 48 hours

Head spinning Mucus coming out of every pore of his face Yeah, you could be like, hey Do you think I should order more spoons Because I noticed that you didn't have one the other day For your yogurt I prefer to lick it off my fucking Salty ass

Sweat palms And I'm going to be drinking Baking grease Out of the drain Don't move it, because I sort of spoon it Out of the drain after it solidifies And I eat it like a pudding Alright, let us know what he says, how it goes

Yeah, yeah, please keep us posted One last mini question That sort of follow up pump in my life Interesting A guy named Tom, let's just call him Tom Because whatever, this is not a shameful question What can I do for my weak Little sage plant

It's so small Then he attached a photo Of his sage plant, which is Reminiscent You said it wasn't an embarrassing question Yeah, well, it's not really Super lame It's about fucking growing herbs

He is a herb for growing herbs This sage is indeed Weak and still 10 times stronger than the one I'm trying to salvage I don't know if I've given A follow up, but I was able to save Just one of my sage stocks With the help of your sister Sarah

The professional herbologist Of my life Wait, so what did Sarah tell you to do that worked? For my basil, it looked dry So water it and keep it in the shade Until it starts looking healthy Again, which is true, it has been And then for the sage, she said

Replant one of them And keep it watered Not too watered, watered deeply But not often That it likes dry atmosphere And keep an eye on See if there's new growth When you replant it

Plant it all the way up to the first leaf So that helped me And that worked? Well, worked is subjective I definitely have one sage stock With four leaves on it Four now I had one stock with two leaves on it

And I've grown two extra leaves So the plant itself I wouldn't say plant because it's one like little stock But it's still alive So I'm considering that a victory so far And what happened to the ones you tried to replant That you put in the water? The one in the water died, didn't grow roots

I don't know where that information came from Because I tried that with the basil now And the basil one, again, not growing roots This idea of propagation from clipping Or you clip it off And put two inches of the stock in water And pour out of it after a couple weeks Yeah, it seems magic

And maybe it works sometimes I don't know if I did something wrong Sometimes it works, sometimes it don't We just don't know Is your goal eventually to have a big healthy Sage plant that you're picking leaves from Once a week For dinner? That's the goal?

That is the ultimate goal But I think I need to call this Current iteration of sage Which I started with 10 seeds And I'm now down to one stock And the basil, I think I have to call this A preamble, a forward A practice round

Because what I need to do is buy Healthy plants, put them in Nice, loamy, damp Soil in a big fucking bed And start from there I don't want to be able to Take it from seed and cultivated And grow it from there

I think I have to just start a little further on Knowing what I know now To keep a relatively small plant Alive and grow it from there It seems like it's just not worth the trouble To start from seed when like You can buy these, like how expensive Are the plants at a nursery? No, not expensive at all

Couple bucks So it's more just like a, it's like a passion project thing Yeah, it's like a pride thing It's like I didn't have to fucking skip A level, I didn't use a warp whistle I took this from literally like Little fucking seeds That are the size of like little poppy seeds

Look at this bush, isn't that incredible? I'm not playing the Witcher on story mode Yeah, exactly I get it, yeah I see And having failed at that, I'm now ready to use the warp whistle I've earned, I think My way because I've kept two plants Half alive for this long

So now I'm ready to just be like, alright let me fast forward And see if I can keep full on It wasn't a completely failed experiment It was just a You got like a C minus or a D Yeah, I passed so I'm ready to move on To like herbs 201 Which I think I'll be better at

Having struggled with the first phase Yeah I also think I'm putting too much stock in these two Like when you have plants And when you have like an herb garden You just fucking, you grow a shit ton of stuff And some stuff dies and you prune and you cut And you use the good stuff and you discard the bad

Right now I'm like counting every leaf And be like, oh I'm losing one leaf Oh god, which is like nice to have In the beginning but like I think I'm putting too much Pressure on these small amounts Right, you better if you were an herb man Yeah, I have to just fucking So you're gonna build beds in the, in your backyard

That's what you gotta do Yeah, I don't know about building beds but yeah I can buy a bed, put some nice soil in there And like buy like smaller plants Skip a level, buy the bed Buy it all And then use the bed to project as a screen To project the movies

But I watched a full master class Without be tall about gardening Do you think you want to be a gardener? Like what if quarantine just got lifted tomorrow And you were allowed to go back to the office if you wanted Would you be like, oh good Or would you be like, hmm I kind of want to work from home and be a gardener though

I would instantly break these plants I would use them as shoes And I would destroy them with my feet on my way to my car To go to an office Yeah, and I can get breakfast at Duncan I don't need herbs I'll buy a fucking bag of frozen basil At amazon.com

Whole Foods 365 On the way to a board meeting And I'll let it fucking spoil And I won't think twice about throwing it away And my compost I'll fucking shove it down the hill Did I tell you we bought a compost And we're trying to do that as well

To create soil? Wow, this is coming full circle When we first moved to LA I bought a compost five whole years ago Six years ago It didn't really work, right? I mean, it It worked a little bit

It never turned into like full on soil It was like still doing that When we moved But I mean like the point of it is that it gets like Full of like flies and Worms and shit So moving from one house to another We were just like let's leave the compost

But it had started to work That's good Yeah, I'm kind of a compost skeptic I'm like how is this fucking rotten mound That leaves going to turn into soil But I guess it does Yeah, I mean it is nasty I remember every time I like took anything out

To the compost I was like afraid to open it Because I just knew that like There were fucking maggots crawling around in it That's right and pretty soon if all goes well I'll be, I think like To answer your question truthfully It's like this gardening thing could be like A fun hobby of mine

So I'm not putting so much pressure into these like two plants I'm just like you know I have this like It's not outside that we can help cultivate Yeah, Los Angeles is a great place for a garden You guys could grow stuff year round That's what the gangster gardener said On the master class is like You have to know your

Climate is like if you're on the east coast You have to like time things out to be like After the first frost and before the fall comes If you're in LA you can do whatever you want All the time so Yeah, that's awesome I think there was like a There was a print that Jillian had

That like it was just It was really beautiful but it like Basically had like the month And then the Fruits and vegetables that were in season In every single month Oh really? Yeah, because I think that like You can grow year round but there's still like

Things that have growing seasons in LA There's some crazy things that he was doing On this master class he's like I like growing sweet potato I take this burlap Sack from a coffee place It's like this huge fucking potato sack I put These like sweet potato

Like clumps in there In this soil and then four months later I slice the bottom of the bag open And a bunch of sweet potatoes come out I'm like is that fucking possible? What? How is that? He like takes The knots from existing sweet potatoes And slices them up and like one sweet potato

Becomes twelve after four months Of like living in a fucking bag of old Soil I guess that works That's awesome, yeah I have myself a burlap sack I have a feeling I'm going to slice it out like one moldy Peach will come down You'll have to eat it

It's so good Because I made it from seed While you're watching the mask In your backyard For the fifteenth time Alright, that's the updates for now Thanks for your questions Thanks for your theme songs Oh yeah If you have any more of either

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