If I Were You - 442: Liquid Courage

Episode Date: July 6, 2020

In this episode we discuss lock down hangs, cool guys at bars, and Jake's family tree.For more of us on a podcast, check out THE HEADGUM PODCAST on THE HEADGUM NETWORK.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. If only there were a podcast that could help me out. It's for people like me that this show's about. I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind that I send my problems To if I were you, show at gmail.com I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind that I send my problems To if I were you, show at gmail.com Beautiful, that's an Edward John parody or cover or something.

Yeah, it's an Elton John parody. John Elway parody, love to hear it, love to sing it, love to be it. And that one came to us from Tyler Jordan from Louisville. It's an Elton John cover. You obviously don't know. And it came to us from Jordan Johnson from Louisville. That's correct, he is from Louisville. Really?

But everything else you said was wrong. Okay, the sound cloud is Louisville born and bred. Actually, that was your song parody, that Elton John cover. That's right. And it was by Jason Mars. Whoa, it's like a mix of... John Mars, Jason Maraz. Jason Maraz and Bruno Mars, and that's kind of what it sounded like.

Yeah, Mars being short for Marsl Kowski, of course. So, John Mars, thank you for that. And the only thing he'd like to plug is the continued long-term advocacy for the BLM movement. Hell, yes, I'm sorry I took so long to get to his friggin' shout-out then. Good man, thank you. Great man, and great song. Much better than I. Recorded on his voice memos, he says.

So apologies for the shoddy audio. I was gonna say that it was a little shoddy. Okay, he's a noble man. I made fun of him before I knew any of this shit. It was absolute shoddy-o. And for that, I'm only gonna play it once. So thank you for that. Whoa, shoddy-o.

Actually, I'm gonna send him my microphone since this is my last episode. I'm retiring from podcasting. That's great to hear. I'm gonna change careers. That's amazing. I'm so glad to hear that. I'm gonna follow my passion. Nice.

Starting right after this. Yeah, well, I don't care what it is. All right, but sweet. So you're out of it. You're out of this. You're out to something better or worse or whatever. It doesn't matter. You're finally...

I'll stay if you want. Did you have a plan? Did you have a plan? My plan was for you to beg me to stay. And suddenly I could lord it over you. I could start slipping a little bit and I could say shit like, well, I didn't want to stay. I'm doing this for you.

So why don't you do this thing for a little bit? Okay, so it's fully backfired. And now you revealed your plan. You revealed your evil plan, I guess, through just me asking a single question, which seems early to reveal the whole plan. The problem was the full story is that my girlfriend pulled this move

and it's like working on her end. You shouldn't be sharing this much. And I'm like, please, please, please, I'll change whatever. So now I'm doing everything. And so I'm like, this actually sucks, sucks, but I'll fucking do it. So she's doing something really shitty to you

and your reaction isn't to grow or learn from it. It's to just turn around and do it to someone else. You're a bad guy. I was like, that's a pretty good idea. You're a small man. Well, she's not talking to me, so I'll say that to myself. And then I'm like, I'm going to do that to Jake.

I'm going to be like, I'm going to head out and follow my passion or whatever. Obviously, I don't have a passion. Like, I don't like to do anything. Yeah. And then you were going to say, no, don't. I'll do anything. And then you would have to do this show mostly

and do all the work. And I'll be like, I didn't want to be here anymore. I wanted to follow my passion and you fucking dragged me back. So in your dream world, your girlfriend is sort of manipulated and made you sad and is lording something over you.

You're miserable, but then you also get to lured something over me making me feel bad and shitty. That was like the goal. That's what you hoped would happen in your... In a dream world. In a dream world, you're still getting manipulated by somebody.

I was going to say, yeah, in a dream world, she'd be nice to me. If I could choose everything. But having had that reality starting from there, I'm out. Like, I want to sort of shift from there going forward. Okay. Forget I said anything.

I feel like an ass, but when you said you were going to retire, I just like on the slide threw out a text. So I already have a co-host. It happened two seconds ago and I already changed my mind. I regret it. I know.

But you... I can't like fucking go... I can't take back an offer. No. Not like that. Dude, who did you text that was offer only? You already offered it and they accept it? Yeah.

It was Dave. Yeah, man. I'm going to record this podcast. So just telling that it was a miscommunication. Telling that like this is... I can't do that. I actually fucking grew up with Dave Rosenberg. Like, he's one of my best friends.

So what do you want me to say now? Like from a joke you offered the co-hosting gig to Dave. He accepted it. I know you're making me into an asshole, but like you... It wasn't a joke or a goof. It was...

It was a designed ploy to get me to feel bad and to lord something over me and host the podcast with me under your thumb. So that's not like... That's not like a goof. You don't just take that back. It was a coup d'etat.

And I turned it into a coup faux gras. Yeah, it really was. It was a coup faux pas. More than anything. That you're hosting with my father. A coup faux pas is really good. That's a good name for this episode. Let's call it the coup faux pas.

It won't make sense to people. I guess Dave's in charge. Finally, at this moment, at minute eight, it'll make sense. And then it'll stop making sense starting at minute nine again. When we forget this ever happened. Alright.

I guess let's take advantage of it. Hey, welcome to If I Were You, an advice podcast hosted for now by me. I'm Amir. And me, Jake, with my future co-host Dave, he's not here right now,

but he'll get on board. As always, these are real questions from real people. People are still sending in their problems even though they're in lockdown. Bad things can still happen. Life is still bad for some. So complicated for sure.

Questions. Yeah. Alright, let's read this one, which was, How do I lock down a girl during lockdown? Okay. I imagine these will be a lot of the questions

that we get during lockdown. Help! My friend's sister is outrageously hot and I've crushed on her for ages, but only reconnected with them a month ago before Corona Palooza. They both want me to come over soon so we can all get high together.

And I get the impression that the sister in particular wants me over because she keeps asking about it. Should I go for it now? Despite cases in my state continuing to rise, what if she gets tired of waiting and goes for a more devil-may-care type?

The friend is on board and a total wingman, so I feel confident about my chances if I really went for it. But I don't want to get sick or pass it on to anyone else. Thanks, love. And then this girl gave a fake name.

Okay. So a friend... This girl wants to hook up with her friend's sister? Yeah. And they invited her over to get high. The sister is going to be the wingman? That's what she says. The friend is on board

and a total wingman. So... I feel like you're going to be more cautious than I am, so I'll let you answer the question. Well, she says she doesn't want to get sick or pass it on to anyone else. You obviously can't get high

with two other people if you don't want to get sick. That's how you get sick, because you're sucking on a joint and licking a bong and doing a smoke-fucking-ring, a vape trick or two. And then eventually,

one of the aerosol particles leaves her mouth. She's infected, obviously. You're not smoking through a mask. That's not devil-may-care. That's devil lettuce. You're getting high on her own supply, aka COVID-19, and you are 19,

which means probably fine for you, but where do you live at home with a relative? Perhaps a great uncle. Yeah, she was a great uncle. They're going to get infected and be like, yeah, sorry, sorry, a Mortimer,

but I want it to hook up. Uncle Morty is now dead because of you. Yeah. How's that? How's that for devil-may-care? Devil did care. Devil took Morty. Devil took him right down to Georgia.

Okay? Yeah. And he cared a lot. Yeah. You hand-delivered him someone. So it does sound cool and fun, but I'm afraid there is a risk of you getting sick. There's definitely a risk.

You could do a Zoom getting high hang. You could do, well, people doing social distance, backyard, outside, it depends where you live, obviously. But if there's, if the cases are low in your city, you could do like an outside hang.

I guess you're trying to hook up with somebody and it seems like that's just not in the cards these days, not yet. Yeah. Well, she says cases are rising, so maybe she's like a Florida, Arizona, California girl. Yeah.

I mean, that's no bueno. That is no bueno at all. What about if they, they can adopt the NBA philosophy. You get tested and then you go to Orlando. Okay? That's the bubble. Quarantine yourself for two weeks,

sister, you, sister's friend, all in three different rooms. You test when you get there, then you quarantine for 14 days, regardless of the results, because that might be a false positive. And then if at the end of the two weeks, you get tested again,

and it's another negative, obviously, then you can get high with them with some peace of mind, knowing that you have a devil may care, who gives a shit attitude? That's cool. And then when you go home, you got a quarantine for two weeks there,

away from Uncle Morty. So that's a month. That's one month of your time for one night of wild fucking. And maybe that's worth it. Yeah. I don't know. So you're sort of,

you're like casual, like who gives a shit, but at the same time, you're like let's spend two weeks at a fucking Hampton Inn, and you have to make sure that the hotel room wasn't used in the last week either.

I don't know what it's like to be single right now, but I imagine I would be doing stuff like that. Like, I would sit in a room for two weeks to get laid, I think. I quarantined somewhere. A two-week predate to quarantine, then you get tested,

and then you go on one date. You get coffee with someone. It's like love is blind. They didn't see each other. They talked kind of in two separate pods for a couple weeks, then they got, then they proposed to each other,

then they got married. Love is blind, and that's what we're doing right now. It's the perfect show for quarantine. You can learn a lot from that show. You can also meet up in a way that's a little more safe than indoors getting high.

Like, if you guys are outside wearing masks mostly and getting high, but then, you know, the whole hooking up part isn't very social distant. Yeah, that's the part that's tough. But I mean, you could hang out a decent amount,

and then you'll decide how much you like them, how much you want them before you decide to take the risk. That's cool. If you're like, if you want a couple like safe social distance dates and you're like, this person's great.

I really want to hook up with them. It's gonna be worth it to wait two weeks to quarantine, to take two COVID tests to fucking make out with my dream friend sister. COVID tests here are free. Is that the case everywhere?

Do you know New York City people handing out free tests when necessary? I think my brother paid like 20 bucks for his or something. It was cheap. I don't think it was free. He got a free antibodies test. Wow.

No antibodies. Don't answer that. That's against his Hippocratic oath. We can't answer that question. Really? I don't think it is. Maybe. Okay.

I'm being waited. I've been subpoenaed. Holy shit. I've been served. What does it say? What the fuck? Just for saying you're not sure or you didn't get his results yet?

Yeah. That's nothing. A cease and desist. Because I released the list. A cease and insist. As in they're suggesting I go to prison for this. For incest. What was I going to ask about testing?

Oh, yeah. If you're positive, you shouldn't pay. You should only pay if you wasted their time getting a negative result. You could have just assumed you were negative. You have to pay me $40. But if you actually have corona, it's good you did the test and this one's on the house.

What do you think of that idea? That's great. If they're trying to make you pay, if you have coronavirus and they're like, okay, well that'll be $100 for the test. They're like, okay, let me get my wallet and then you start coughing in their direction and they kind of like back away.

That's cool. Yeah. So then they think that you have it. There's a way to get this test for free. Yeah. That's cool. And then when you go to get the test. Yeah.

When you get the test, you shouldn't take your mask off because you can be like, this is too unsafe and they're like, we have to swab your nose. You have to spit in a cup. You have to do something like that. And you're like, I'm not taking this fucking mask off. You better tell me if I'm sick or not without me like bending over and cow-towing to your policy or whatever.

I'm not going to cow-tow. Yeah. So you're too busy not cow-towing. They're testing. I don't know. They'll figure it out probably your ear or something or they'll find a way to like get it through your eye or some shit.

Yeah. And then if you get like a positive, then it's like you really had it because they were able to tell even while you were still wearing a mask. Sweet. So how did your test go? I was forcibly removed from the Urgent Care Center

for making a series of demands. I thought so. I assume I do have it because as I was leaving the nurse said, hey everybody that got a test positive can you help me spit this guy out of here? Are you trying to get your test still? Are you trying to go to the like Dodger Stadium? Yeah.

I'm thinking about it. I had an appointment and then I read some harrowing tweets about how the lines were like two to three hours long. So I said, all right, maybe I don't need to get a test right now since I'm feeling fine. Do you still feel fine? Yeah. Unfortunately.

I just give me a fucking reason to go. I want to know. I want to get some data. I want to be like when I look at the stats, I want like, you know, to look at one of those numbers and know that like that's me right there, recovered, asymptomatic. Yeah.

A case where nobody had it. How many people were tested today in America? 600,000? That would have been 599 without me. Are you partaking in any behavior that would result in you potentially getting it? That's a good question. I mean, I'm walking around my neighborhood with a mask.

So there's a slight risk. I'm going to a grocery store every once in a while. Slight risk. I attended a rooftop phone booth party, which is like, see how many people you can cram into like a rooftop pool phone booth area. I feel like that's a risk. That's a huge risk.

Oh, and I did some yard work out front, but I was wearing a gas mask. That's probably a very, very, very slight risk. I mean, you went to the phone booth party in the yard. There's nothing less believable than you doing yard work. Let's move on. Very good. All right, let's take a break.

We'll come back and I can't wait to hear your unsolicited advice. I know you've dived nose deep into this new hobby of yours. So you are not going to want to miss this. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. We'll be back after these messages.

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah.

Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents.

Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my

parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in.

Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. This is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way.

By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah.

Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah.

Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift.

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All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation

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Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lift through the fight. Oh, I'm coming. Gross. You know, I don't know if this is like unsolicited advice, but it's just something that I got into. Like I'm, I don't know, like a 50-year-old man or something. I just, I signed up for an ancestry.com account.

I have no idea why. I feel like... It was a really convincing banner ad. I'm too young to give a shit. But it's kind of interesting. Like you fill in... I did like a free trial and you like fill in your parents and their parents and everything you know.

And then like, it just links you with a bunch of other people who have also done it and like done way more work than I have. And then it just like helps you fill in your family tree. So how is this not more than like 30 minutes? Like are you then going back to the website and filling in more stuff, interviewing more people, trying to grow the tree? Like how is it an active community?

People like add stuff all the time. There's like, at least like in my family tree, I'm finding like images scanned of like immigration manifests in like New York in 1903 and stuff. And then there's like baptism records in England from 1658. Yeah. Related to your family or just like they're just brass?

No, just fucking pictures that I can see. Oldest baptism record from Wembley. So what have you learned? I guess not really that much that I didn't know. Maybe the most interesting thing is that like a solid portion of my family on like my grandma's side lived in Nova Scotia for a very, very long time. So I never really thought that I had a relationship to Canada.

I feel like when I was growing up, my mom was like your English, Irish on my side and on your dad's side, your Austrian and Russian. And I'm like, all right, that makes sense. And then I like, and it's, and it is mostly true, but it's kind of interesting because with this thing, you can see like your 10th great-grandfather's name and where they, where they came from.

I mean, on my dad's side, it doesn't, he doesn't know the name of his father's grandparents. So that, so that limb of my tree is dead. I can't get any further back. It has rotted down to the branches, dried off and crumbled. Does that mean other people in your distant family have done this and you're seeing their data as well? Yeah, there's like some people that I can see like,

oh, my straight up cousin, Navua, did this. And I'm like, and I can tap into her tree. Like she might have spent like hours on this thing, but I just get to, I just get to cheat. I'm like, oh, yeah, my grandma's grandma, I can link that and I get, I have access to that entire tree branch now. Got it.

Cause like, I mean, once you go far enough back, like there's, I don't know, it's, the branches are so vast. Yeah, that like you can just tap into another network and like, I find out like the maiden name of my great-great-grandmother and then it's like potential father, potential mother like shows up

and then you can kind of like link that. It's interesting. I see, I see. So then does it tell you like, all right, this person might be a distant cousin of yours and they live in New York City or is that like a privacy issue? I guess they might, they might tell you that.

I've only been dicking around on it for like 48 hours, but I'm kind of, super into it. We'll check back later. And how did you get into it? I have no idea. I think like every once in a while, I like, I guess something I like doing is like asking about like old,

I like seeing like old photo albums. I like finding out addresses. Like my, I think my grandma wrote like a book, like a fake little book in like third grade about where she was growing up. It was like one of her school books and it had her address in it. And on one of my cross-country drives,

I like found the address and I found her old house. So I like like family history stuff like that. And this was like an extension of that, I guess, driven by boredom of being a lockdown. Is Jill part of it? Like is your married family part of the tree or is that you don't get access to that? Well, Jill could make an account.

I could, I think I could maybe do that. I'm not entirely sure. I've only been looking at like where my ancestors came from though. But in theory, like, yeah, like if Jill and I have a child, then like our two branches link. Wow. And then she...

That's almost reason enough. Yeah. She's part all of these other people. It's crazy though. It is really, it's wild. Have you done 23 and Me? I have done 23 and Me. Is this sort of related to that?

Yeah. But you know, 23 and Me is like, you are Scottish. But like now I straight up, because of these like birth records and stuff, like I know where in Scotland and Ireland, my ancestors were from. Have you fact-checked the two to see like, oh wait, 23 and Me said I was 40% Irish

and this ancestry says I'm like barely Irish at all. Actually, I haven't, but so far it's definitely seemingly confirmed what I saw in 23 and Me and what anybody could kind of assume just by looking at Me. Which was half Jewish, half not. Yeah. English, Irish, Scottish.

Some kind of UK mixed with some kind of, I guess what is that like, broadly European Jew type thing, Eastern European Jew guy. Eastern European. Yeah. Like I knew I was Austrian, but this thing says that the town that my like ancestors

left from is now part of Poland. So it's not like, I don't know, kind of interesting. It's kind of interesting to Me and not interesting at all to anyone else, but that's why I recommend it because you can find it out about you, which is good. I also saw that, wait, sorry, one last thing. My great grandfather spelled his last name Horowitz

as recently as like 1920 or something like that, like filled out the census and wrote Horowitz. And then Horowitz. Yeah, H-O-R-O. And it's just not that. What do you think? You think your life would be that much different if you're a Jake Horowitz versus a Horowitz?

I think so. I think it'd be super different. I wonder if you're related to Dan Gerwitch, which is like probably another bastardization of Horowitz. That's actually when I started at College Humor, my dad asked me to ask Dan something about it. Something about his like grandfather or something. I forget.

We found out we were not related, but it is like this. I think that's essentially what it was. Gordovich. Yeah, it's all from like the same part of Eastern Europe and then like mistranslated. I was going to ask, is anybody else in your family interested in these results?

You say it's only interesting to you. Like, are you telling your mom and dad about it? I think my mom and dad seem interested, but I'm on like a text thread with my family and I like mentioned some stuff and people said it was cool. So I don't know. I don't think so. I don't think so.

I think it's really interesting. It's fascinating to me. No one else. That's why I recommend it. You can find out something about yourself, maybe. Ancestry.com. I feel like that's like been around since like the 90s. Yeah, definitely.

I think it's not like, it's definitely not sleek. I wonder, there's a chance that there's like a better one out there. I think I clicked it from like a New York Times ad or something. Yeah. It's like classmates.com. What is that one? It's like, find out where the guy you went to high school with is now. Yeah.

Yes. It's exactly that. Old banner ads from like the early internet. All right. Solid tip. I don't think I'm going to do it, but I would totally want one of my brothers to do it. Do you think that there's records that go back far from your family?

I don't know because it's very non-American. None of us were born in America. So I don't know if that hurts my chances of having records. I think it does. It seems, I mean, that's like on my dad's side, there was like, obviously there were in some shit in Poland in like the 1900s and there's no records. They just, they don't exist. And then on my mom's side, it's like going back to like the 1500s.

Yeah. It's like, if you came here on the Mayflower, we have everything nice and organized for you. And if you moved here in the last 30 years, good luck. It's definitely a privileged thing to know where your ancestors came from, but it's interesting if you can do it. Didn't you say one of your relatives fought in the Civil War? Yes, I think they did. Wow.

I think multiple of them did. Jesus. So part of your family's been in America for that long? Yeah. I mean, there were people that came to America on my grandma's side, and on my grandfather's side. People on my mom's side basically came here in like the 1600s. Jesus Christ.

They were pilgrims. I mean, at a certain point, it doesn't really matter. Like I'm at my 13th great grandfather in Glasgow, but still kind of cool. Let's do a quick search for when did pilgrims come to America. 1620 is when the Mayflower arrived. Okay. 1620 is when the May... And I'll go back to my furthest ancestor that I could find is...

Whoa. He's from England. He looks like Zac Efron. This guy's really hot actually. He has acid washed jeans and an eight pack. This was in the 1700s. And he can sing. He has an eyebrow piercing.

This dude straight up was a pilgrim, George Henry Fay. That's my ancestor that left Hampshire, England and came to... New Hampshire, New England. He left Hampshire, England and he died in Essex, Massachusetts in 1655. Wow. Yeah, that's some pilgrim shit right there. That's some pilgrim shit. George Henry Fay.

All right. Why don't we call this guy who just wrote into our podcast, George Henry Fay? Don't desecrate my 13th great-grandfather with this guy who's trying to fap while his parents are home or something. I won't have it. No, this guy's kind of a modern-day pilgrim in a way. So he says, George writes, here's the sitch. I'm 21 and on a three-year dry spell.

That wouldn't happen to George Henry Fay. He was a proud pilgrim, an explorer, an adventurer, a family man. He does not have the highest self-confidence. He's rather shy and awkward in social situations. However, when I'm drunk, I'm a smooth man. I had a girl over at a place at a party recently, but after I have not been able to continue anything with her while sober, should I just become an alcoholic? I signed up for an improv class to try to break out of my shell, looking for any ideas on

how to better my game. Have you guys always been funny and confident or did you have shy years and struggle around new people? Oh, yeah. I just got on this podcast and I'm on episode 97 with Thomas Middletitch. Good stuff. Dope. Thank you.

Man, he's going to have a lot of episodes to listen to before he finds out if we answered the question. Yeah. So should he become an alcoholic? I mean, there's something to that. If you're never confident and only confident when you're drunk, if you're always drunk, what's the downside to that? Well, you could ask John George Fay, my great, great, great, great, great, great, great,

great, great grandfather who actually was an alcoholic and died an early death. Okay. I'm sorry. Lost his wife, Mrs. Lucy Fay in 1645. They know that. They know when he got divorced, how he died. They say his last words here on ancestry.com. I'm a little bitch boy.

Wow. Oh my God. Don't take the past. They have them. Yeah. I guess that's a public record. I think one thing that I would say is that you might think you're smooth when you're drunk.

You might think you're smoother than you are when you're drunk. Being drunk gives you a little bit of confidence, but remember also when you're drunk, people around you are drunk. Hopefully. It's not just about you being like, I'm a better version of myself when I'm drunk. It's like, oh no, everything's just a little easier and looser when people are drunk, when there's drinking involved. I don't know if that helps that much, but just don't think of alcohol as this thing

that fixes you. Yeah. And would you say you have more confidence or you're funnier when you're drunk or has that translated? Oh me, yeah. I'm the man when I'm drunk. And the drunker I get, the cooler I get. One time I was so trashed that I fell asleep on the floor of a frat house and everyone

was like, he's the man, I think. I was packed out, so I remember. Yeah, and everyone else was sober because this was a Tuesday during finals week. That's right. Who's that confident ass guy who's so funny? Confidence is attractive. Confidence is what you want. But I don't think that being drunk gives me confidence.

I think confidence is something that's there anyway. And I'll call it maybe just like lowers your inhibitions a little bit more. Yeah. I don't think I was confident. I remember having to strike up the nerve to start a conversation with somebody in a social setting because I always felt like everything you do sounds cheesy in some way. So it's like, you don't want to come up and be like, hey, how are you doing? What's your name?

Where are you from? Et cetera. I never want it to be predatory. Yeah, I feel like there's different versions of confidence where the confidence that I'm thinking about is just like standing tall, having a good time. And if you get introduced to somebody being like, I don't know, knowing all the words to say, shaking a hand, not being shy and timid like in the moment, but like being able to go up and talk to somebody like, oh yeah, I'll go talk to that group of people.

Hey, everybody. How's it going? That confidence like borders on insane to me. I feel like you and I have been in situations where like we want to talk to people at a bar and we just sort of like sit there and talk about how we're going to do it. And if we can do it, never ever end up doing it. Right. Like trying to like muster up the courage and confidence to approach a group of people we

don't know. But I think that's a nice way to be like too shy to talk to somebody. But if they talk to you, you can hold your own in a conversation. That's the level. That's the sweet spot. Yeah. Also, it comes like age is such an important factor. Like if you're with someone who's, if you're in a group of people or if you see a group

of people that are younger than you, you feel like, oh, I have the confidence right now because, you know, those guys are 29. I'm 37 now. I can talk to them. What's the big deal? But like when you are 25, you're not seeing a lot of like 12 year olds at a bar. So you never feel that you're at the wrong bar. But you got that like, you got that old man confidence.

That's what you want. That's what you want. You want to go out and dockers. That's why old people drive so insanely. Like imagine having the confidence of an 89 year old. You're just fucking backing out of a drive. You're like, I don't give a shit. I'm fucking 89.

You're 40. That's like the equivalent of me like being nervous to talk to a toddler right now. I'm never nervous to fucking approach a two year old. You should be a little nervous to talk back. Nice to meet you. Put her there, buddy. Cause like, yeah, I'm just like, I want to fucking talk to this person. That's you approaching a two year old.

Mano Imano. Yeah. What's your name? Douglas or some shit? They can, they can barely talk. I don't think, I don't think they're like just learning words. They can't talk politics. I don't know.

And they're shy, you know, you like, they're hugging like the mom's leg and they're like, why is this 37 year old approaching me? Like I just want to fist bump the little guy. What's his name? Something like that. If I'm trying to strike up a conversation with the mom or whatever. Are you trying to strike up a conversation? I feel like I'm on trial here.

You are. This is the people versus I'm your Blumenfeld. Oh my God. I'm sorry for fucking fist bumping. You annoyed a baby, sir. I wanted to give him a high five. Sorry about that. I thought it was a cute thing to do.

And suddenly I'm nervous. Now I'm nervous cause the judge is older than me. I thought you were confident. I am or I was. I'm wasted. And it's Monday morning, 9 30 AM. I don't know the fucking confidence to talk to my lawyer. You know, I do feel like 33 year old.

I feel like this guy, I feel like this guy and improv class might help him be confident. Cause I'll improv is all about like adapting and yes, handing and communicating with people. And I think a lot of confidence around approaching people comes to like, what am I going to say? So that, that could help. But you don't have to be drunk all the time. That's dangerous.

Definitely. And there's cute ways to be shy and quiet and stoic. Yeah. Like if you're that cool guy at the bar and you have a fucking book in your back pocket and you're, why is that guy there reading at the bar? Oh, sorry. It's just fucking grapes of wrath. I haven't dug into this one since high school.

And yeah, it's annotated and shit. It's a dog-eared copy of my Steinbeck novel. Your Steinbeck novel? I borrowed it from the library and it's mine. You have to return that by the way. Excuse me one second. I ordered jalapeno poppers 20 minutes ago and I'm just wondering where they are. The cover is coming off your book.

You can't return it in this condition. You have to buy it. Well, I can't afford the poppers in the book. I don't even have a library card. I came here to this bar to eat a snack. Oh, these are really spicy. The penthouse falls out from behind the book. Fuck.

I was going to squeeze one out. Now I'm all fucking spiced out. Do you have ranch? I'm just trying to enjoy my copy of Steinbeck. Do you have ranch for these poppers? The sauce is so fucking room temp. I really needed a refrigerated ranch to go with my Steinbeck. I shit my goose on this glass.

And I cut my tongue on a toothpick with the poppers. You don't need a toothpick in the poppers. They're going to fuck. They have structural integrity. Jesus Christ. All right. So I guess that's how you get confidence. Yeah.

Grow older. Grow older. Get funnier. Go to the improv class. Good for you. Be older, funnier, smarter, and holier than thou. And after you're all those things, you won't need another drop of alcohol for as long as you live.

Good man. Have you been wasted recently? Do you still get wasted now that nobody can go anywhere? I did get kind of drunk. I mean, I've definitely been trashed in quarantine times, but not like I used to where we could go out to a bar and I'd get vodka red bull and be wild and crazy drunk. And you're drunk.

It's more like, oh man, I forgot. I didn't eat a big enough dinner and I haven't drank in a long time. And I had two whiskies on a Zoom and now I feel kind of sloppy like that. That's happened. Not fun party drunk. But there was one night where I went on a walk with somebody and got like one of those to-go cocktails and they filled it to the top with whiskey. And I got kind of drunk and that was fun.

I wonder if they're doing that in LA. I haven't seen like, you're going to take an Uber to a bar and get it to go whiskey. I don't think that happens out here. Yeah, it's very different. It's not a walk in city like New York. No. Maybe it's happening. I'm just not invited, I guess.

That's fine. Whatever. I don't need friends. Not really. You don't need them. It's good you don't need them. I want them. I want them, it's all, but I don't have them.

You made peace with not having friends. That's really awesome. You don't need them. You don't have them and you never forget them. So that's good. That's that you're fine with that. Yeah, I'm not at peace. I'm at war with not having friends.

And I'm waving the white flag. I'm like surrendering. I'm like, all right, end this fucking battle. I want to have a buddy. Yeah. Well, you're sort of mean spirited. Well, I'm what? You're mean spirited and dumb.

Yeah, you're angry right now and you misheard me. I'm seething, but I'm smiling through it. I'm grinning and bearing it. You're crying a little bit. I'm sad. Yeah, I'm upset. There you go. I accidentally bit my tongue.

Yes, you did. And I ate something a little spicy and it's getting into the fucking bloodstream. And I don't know if I can have any milk to alleviate it. This is you at the bar with the Steinbeck knuckle again. All right. Thanks for writing in your questions, your theme songs. Send. Keep sending them to ifirishow at gmail.com.

Yes, please. The opening song was your song, which I think is another one of those songs that doesn't have the words in the song itself. What's that? Wait, say that again. The song is called Your Song, which doesn't come up in the actual song, the lyrics. Right. Oh, yeah.

And this closing one is the same deal. It's based on a song we talked about that episode called Old Friends. Oh, no. Bookends. Old friends, they do say. They do say bookends, too. All right. Never mind on any of that stuff, but this is a Simon and Garfunkel parody.

Well, then that's great. And he would want to shout out his podcast, First Date Worst Date, for he is very proud of it. So thanks to Brian E. Morton for writing this theme song for us. Hell yeah. Thank you, dude. And for more of us on a podcast, you can listen to The Head Gum Podcast, new episodes every Friday.

Lovin' this week's episode. And more of us on video on patreon.com. J-A-Jaw. We'll be back, of course, next week, as always. And thanks for listening. See ya, everybody. Later. Old friends, old friends.

Started a podcast like Dick Lane's. Sending your questions with luck, you'll have them answered. By the pinch and a chipmunk. Time it was, and what a time it was. A time of loneliness. A time of viruses. Of Zoom conferences. That was a Head Gum Podcast.