If I Were You - 444: Robe Lightning Round

Episode Date: July 21, 2020

In this episode we answer as many questions as possible about waffles, acting, and international traveling.For more of us on podcasts check out THE HEADGUM PODCAST on the Headgum network.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. I think. Oh, God. Just as abrupt as when I remembered it from last week's episode. Yeah, it is. I think. It is jarring a little bit, but that was a hell of a riff. I loved that guitar.

Damn. That was the, I think, theme song. Um, homage to when Ben joined us last week, seemingly by accident. Yes. Um, long time listener, second time theme songstress. Whoa. The first time was the Across the Sea Weezer cover. Oh, I remember that one.

That's a good one. Uh, so they've got another Prague Rock album out and you can find it at springsilver.band.com. Dope. And that's a Kiran. Kiran. Kiran. Kiran. Kai.

Kai. I.E. Iran. Kiran. Kiran. What? Kiran? Well, it's spelled Sarah.

S-A-R-A. Huh? But I feel like it's pronounced Kiran. Kiran. S-A-R-A? Yeah. How do you spell it? How would you pronounce that?

Are you? S-A-R-A, yeah. Sarah? What? Sorry, yeah. Why did you pronounce it Kiran? Kiran. I thought it was a silent S.

A silent S makes the sound of a K, okay? No, it's K-I-E-R-A-N. Okay. Nice. So there you have it. Thank you, Sarah. Here. All right.

We're going to do some rapid fire questions and answers today. Since we didn't get to many questions last week, I said let's cram in as many as possible this week. That's smart. Yeah. You posted on Instagram a question. Yeah. One question from Rachel Moore just says, you look awful.

What do you think about that? Yeah. What makes you- Not really a question, but a comment. I for sure look poor. That deserves a response. Yeah. Yeah.

And they were talking about you in the second photo. They were talking about you in the second photo, by the way. The second one where you just had a nice haircut and everything looked fine. Yeah. That's when I was happier and healthier and they said I looked poor. I should say I look poorly, not poor, but yeah. I don't look happy and healthy in the first photo. It's sort of a photo I took to show how like crazy this year has been.

So I chose like a very drab filter, made my hair look really stringy and bags under my eyes. My greys are just popping out. This is a- it accurately portrays how insane this year has been, but I tried to hammer it up as much as possible. Right. Do you feel like your hair is going- it's no longer just gray on the sides. Is it gray on the top?

It's like a lot of gray on the sides. That's where the majority is. And then like a few random silver hairs on top as well. But the majority of it is still on the sides, but it's spreading. So if you could- between three different hair colors. One, just all still the dark, dark brown hair that you had. Two, current hair. Or three, full silver fox, like just a straight up gray dome.

What would you want to do? The Anderson Cooper. I appreciate the transition I'm going through. So it's very like, you know, slowly and steadily. Well, you have some greys. Oh yeah, you have some pretty solid amount. Okay, now I'm about like at a third gray. I feel like if I went straight to silver completely, it would be like jarring.

Like I bleached my hair or something. Yeah, but I kind of- I'm looking forward to you having that. That sounds like- that's going to be fun. It'll be cool to see. Yeah, I'm ready for it. My dad definitely has it and has had it for a while now. So I'm ready for it as well. And he had dark hair like you and he was a boy?

He had black hair. So his turned gray just from like black to white. Mine is doing a more brown to reddish to gray to silver. Interesting. But the next photo of me was from January. So I have like, you know, a nice haircut and I look happy and warm. But everyone's like, oh, you got a haircut. Congratulations.

When did you get it? How did you get it cut? And I have to like respond to my friends being like, no, I didn't. I actually still look like this. This isn't a before and after. This was six months ago. It's a president past, unfortunately. This isn't a- it's not an upgrade.

The photo you saw first, the one that was horrifying, is the one that I am. So don't say congratulations. Don't say you look good because I actually look- I look bad. I look like the one that you think is an improvement from. But you said that was bad. Yeah. Right. Hopefully I'm just one haircut away from seeming like that second person.

But I don't know. I'm scared to find out to get that haircut and see what happens next. Yeah. It's possible. And beard trim. That's right. But enough about me. We got a lot of questions.

We did. Shall we? Did any of them strike your fancy? Well, here's a nice one that I like from Luke Underhill. What fashion trend would you like to be able to pull off? Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

Fashion trend that you would be able to pull off. I feel like even now there are trends that like- that come and I think about like, wow, I wonder if I would need to do that. And then they like go away. I patch. Well, I patch. I patch. I don't know if that's like a- sure.

I mean, that would not be a convenient one because you would- As an accessory. Yeah. Depth perception would be like an issue. But- Yeah. It's more COVID friendly because it can get into your eyes. So if you cover one of them, it's a little that much better.

That's good. Okay. Do you remember the trend of like really skinny jeans and a really long shirt? Like a shirt that looks kind of like a night down. And then you have like little sticky jeans. Yeah. Well, shirts themselves are getting baggier. Pants were getting tighter.

But now I feel like- Yeah, it was an overlap. Now everything's getting baggier. Like pants are big and baloney again, which I'm kind of into. Oh, no. Because I like- they're very comfortable. Like I don't mind not wearing skinny pants. That seems like I'll hop on board that one, you know?

Wow. Also big like chunky sneakers. Like really, really comfortable shoes are sort of in trend right now, which I like also. Yeah. Another nerdy thing that kind of came back was like high socks with shorts. Oh, yeah. Like that was pretty nerdy in the 90s and 2000s. And now it's like generally well accepted.

I'm wearing it right now. I also love high socks because it's just so comfortable. I feel like no-show socks just constantly are like slipping down to your heels and just like always fidgeting with them. And now I just like wear above like ankle cut socks and it's so nice. Even if it's like hot and humid and stuff? Yeah. I mean, I guess if it's hot and humid, it's not that much different. Like you have a little, a little on your ankle, but you're still wearing, you know, sneakers and socks.

Like, I don't think that like no-show socks kept me very much cooler. Yeah. But yeah, you feel comfortable doing that one. Is there one that you don't feel comfortable? Is it the baggy pants one yet? Is it the baggy shirt one yet? Hmm. Yeah.

I don't think I could wear baggy everything. I mean, I don't think I ever wear anything that's like that trendy. It's sort of just like on the margins of trendy. There's also nowhere to go. Like where are you dressing up fashionably? Interesting too. Just like a supermarket? Yeah.

I guess like fashion wise, I'm more into like the kind of like tech sort of like performance type wear these days that it's like very, very comfortable. Because if I'm doing anything, I'm like riding my bike outside. Interesting. But like I'm not dressing up to like, you know, I'm not buying a new watch to go to a restaurant with or something. Right. That's not happening. Can you see my shirt now? Why jot?

What is that? It's from a headgum sketch three years ago. Jeffrey ordered the shirt and sent it to me as kind of like a gag gift. Oh. And now you, wait, did he do it recently or he sent it to you years ago? Yes. He did it recently. No.

The video is years ago. He sent it to me last week. Why? He's pitching in the sketch like literally from 2017, I think he's pitching me t-shirt ideas. And one of them is why jot? And then I'm like, why is that a shirt? And he goes, I don't know why jot? And then he just gave it to you.

That's right. Cool. Respect. All right. Next question. Sure. Any advice for a first time home buyer? Wow.

What a time to buy. Yeah. Let's talk. Let's talk. You're ready in the middle of a pandemic to make a large scale investment in your future. Potentially, this is a good time for it. I think this is a good time to buy the thing that's, I don't know. You can get the lowest like mortgage rate.

They think they're below 3%. Which is like when you, for the first time since like the 70s. You're borrowing money to. That's the interest. Yeah. That you pay back on. To buy a house. You want like to pay as little interest as possible.

But I also know. Yeah. It's usually in like the 3, 4, 5 range as of recently. And now it's below 3% for the first time. Right. But also buying a house right now, I think is harder because of said pandemic. Because everyone's losing their jobs. So banks are, they're a little more risk averse right now.

Before you could maybe put 10% down or whatever. Like now, it depends what kind of loan you're qualified. What your income is, how much you can put down, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. If you feel like your job is secure and you can buy a house right now. That's a solid move, I think. Because you can lock in a super low interest rate. Okay. So what's the first step?

What do you have to do? First step, you have to get pre-qualified. Getting pre-qualified is very easy. You send somebody your income, your W-2s, what your job is, a whole bunch of information. They basically write a letter that says, Jake is conditionally approved for this loan. And then you can give that to a real estate agent and that'll let you go in and start seeing houses. Right. So first step is you have to get that pre-qualification letter authorization.

That even allows you to make an offer. Before that, it's like, don't even make an offer if you can't get somebody at a bank to prove that they might be interested in loaning you the amount of the house. That is the weird thing because I remember that when I bought my first house. I kind of thought that the pre-qualification letter was the same thing as the loan. And I'm like, wow, that was easy. And I made the offer, I got it. And then they're like, all right, now you have to go get the loan.

I just show them the letter like, oh no, the letter means nothing. Find every single piece of paper that anyone gave you relating to money for the last five years. And then you have to just like beg, borrow, and steal to prove to the bank that you're worth a damn, that you'll make good on the loan, and then they'll give you the money. Yeah. And then you slowly pay that back over the next 30 years. Yeah. Good luck.

Indeed. That's my advice for the first time home buyer is just like dive in because you will learn so much as you go. So don't let us scare you away. A lot of questions that are just like, are you okay? Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay. All right. Everyone's okay.

We're not good and we're not awful. We're just okay. So yeah, I'm okay. I resent the accusation. Joey, you read a can. I guess he's just being nice. Sorry. I don't know why I snapped at him.

I mean, well, I mean, you're getting, you're kind of getting trolled. You're getting dragged. It makes sense that you would lash out like that. Here's one for Matt LaFever. Are you okay? You look sickly. Yeah. So that one's sort of like, are you okay because you look bad?

Right. So I think what's unfortunate is that you clearly baited everyone to insult you in a way almost like you wanted it. You posted a really ugly photo of yourself, but then you can't handle the criticism. You don't want to do that. Oh, here's an interesting one. Sure. Garda Noam says, what's your favorite Israeli snack? Who amuse.

I like to think of myself as a little Israeli snack. But honestly. But everyone thinks that you look sick and unwell and they think you're ugly and they think you're bad. So I'll say beastly. So you're not very snackable. I like a bomba. A bomba. It's like that peanut butter cheeto puff situation.

I don't know if you had that in Israel. Yeah, I remember those. I also remember that. I remember that hummus place that we went to that was so good that you just like fucking dipped an onion. Like they just like. So thick. I feel like I never had. You eat it not even with a pita just with a fucking loose onions.

Yeah. Like I never had hummus before that I didn't just like have with like a pretzel. Like I thought I liked hummus, but I was just eating like sabra hummus with pretzel. And then we went to that place in Israel that God, it was just like you could just eat it. You would want to eat it with a spoon. It was so good. Yeah. Like a soup.

And I got a Coca-Cola. My God. Coca-Cola is good. You get yourself a Mexican Coke later today. You've earned it. I think I did. Are you. John.

John says, are you still interested in acting in movies or on TV? Both of you are so talented. So I wanted to say thank you. First of all. Wow. And what do you think about acting? Does that appeal to you? No, not so much, especially now.

Even before this whole pandemic, I didn't necessarily want to spend all day on set, you know, reading some lines, getting ready, memorizing and then acting for minutes a day on a 12 hour shoot location. But now the fact that it's dangerous to be around anyone, a film set feels extra precarious. And unless you like truly love it and that's your passion. I'm turned off by it even more so. Fair. Fair enough. What if there was no pandemic?

Would you want to be an actor? Oh, absolutely. I want to sing. I want to dance. I deserve to be on the stage. I want to be on the silver screen. Which way to Hollywood, boy? Over there.

You take the bus down to Hollywood and Vine. That's me in the corner. Wow. Look at all the grays you have. Oh, I'll die a mister if it means you'll give me a shot in your picture. We'd have to do something about the sags under your eyes as well. Well, that's why they make makeup now. Calm down because you're starting to make me feel a little sad.

How can I act if I'm really upset about the way I look? Your teeth are gray. That's quite enough. I'll be an editor then. Put me in a dark room, give me the footage. I can cut together all of the people that look better than me, better than me. They're tossing you in a dumpster. You're fired for masturbating to the dailies.

Well, then, I didn't think you were looking. I thought I could get away with that. Abandon the song. I'm sad today about that. I've been kicked and ostracized from the film community. Can I be an accountant or a line producer? No, the stigma it follows you from every job you'll ever have. You're a social pariah now.

You're on deadline now. You have to delete your accounts. Social media accounts. No, your bank. No, your bank. And your house is full closed. Get out the way and go to prison. Go to jail.

You're all done over here. Oh, good lord. That's sort of like a Les Mis sequel of sorts where a guy gets wrongfully accused. I was hardly squeezing myself. You said you masturbated to the dailies. Your excuse to masturbating to the dailies was I thought I could get away with that. So not wrongfully accused. If you get accused and your defense is, oh, I thought I could get away with that.

What an insane defense. How do you plead? I plead that I thought I could have gotten away with it. So not quite guilty, but not quite innocent either. You're a social pariah now. Let's see here. Oh, Jake, how's the Witcher on Switch? Are you playing the Witcher?

Yeah, I am playing the Witcher. I haven't gotten too far. I think I'm like in the first little town, but I did my combat training and it's really fun. I mean, the animation on it is incredible. I basically played just to get to a cutscene so I can watch it because it's so fun. Is that the game you've played the most recently? No, because we're developing a video game for Nadbot. So I've been playing like 2D RPG games to try to get my head in that space

so I can be helpful in the conversations because I don't know shit about video games. What's a 2D RPG game? What's an example of that? South Park Stick of Truth is one that I've been playing. I wonder if the Zelda game I played for Super Nintendo would count as that. I don't think that one's 2D. 2D basically looks like South Park Animation. Oh, it's like paper.

What about Paper Mario? Isn't that a thing? Yes, that would be one. I think. I haven't played that one, but I think that's one of them. At least the animation style it is. I have a four bedroom apartment in NYC, writes Andy Ricks, all to myself. How do I not go crazy? Four bedroom apartment? I don't think I've ever seen such a thing here.

That's so many bedrooms. Yeah, although those can also be really small. Didn't your sister live in where it was like four bedrooms and that was it? Yes, that's true. Also, technically, the Rosie's lived in a four bedroom, but they didn't have walls that went all the way to the ceiling. Some person lived in a loft that was only three feet high, and Dave's room had a sliding closet door and no windows. They'll call anything a four bedroom. Right, it's converted from a one bedroom.

Right. Is that how do I not go crazy? Yeah, I mean, that seems incredible. I think you'd go crazier having three roommates in a four bedroom. Yeah, if you're by yourself, you want your place to be larger. I think you would go crazier in like a studio. I'm sure there's lots of people who are just like sheltering in place in a studio right now. Yeah, I mean, everything, I think no matter where you are, if you spend enough time there, you start to go a little insane.

It's all different degrees because some people started out in a place that drove them insane. And some people have a nice place that started into driving them insane. I think it helps if you can to just like, I don't know, find a new place to be. Even like, I've set up a desk in our office, it's an office now. It was like a den, but now it's my office. And it kind of helps. It gave me something to do and it felt like it changed the space a little bit. Also taking walks, going on bike rides, leaving and coming back helps.

But just be safe, wear a mask, yada yada, you know the deal. Yeah, I wonder if people are switching houses. That's a good way to fucking get a new scenery is like, I will move to your apartment, you move to mine. It's neither better nor worse, but hey, we're at least we're in a different place and that's got to help my emotion. That's true. It's stressful though sometimes to not be around your stuff. Like, if I lived in your house for a couple of weeks, it'd be nice, it'd be different, but like, I'd have all your shit like in all the drawers. That's right.

Yeah, I don't know. Being home is nice. Just give me three months, give me three months in your place and then we can switch back. Okay. If you had to come to New York City right now, would you prefer to drive or fly? That's a good question. Yeah, I don't know. Flying seems dangerous, but it's over quickly. Driving is like a low grade danger for a week straight and then where would you stay? Yeah, you'd have to stay in hotels.

I think I would fly. I would just like put on three masks and like goggles and a face shield and gloves and just close my eyes for six hours on an airplane and hope to God I didn't get anything. My God, getting on an airplane seems insane. Speaking of G.B. Quinlan, J.B. Quinlan says, what country will you go to and infect first once the U.S. tricks the world into opening their borders? Which we can sort of deduces where do we want to travel to if this is all over, when this is all over? Since New Zealand beat the virus, I've been, you know, fantasizing about going there and just like eating in a restaurant, going to a sports bar, traveling around. So my eyes are back on New Zealanders, you know, back in the southern hemisphere. That's kind of a fun idea. What if we just moved to New Zealand? Mm-hmm.

I wonder if they're still letting anyone, right? I think they're like slowly starting to open their borders. But by the time they reach, like, we will be the last, we are the last country anybody should allow in. Definitely. Just like a bunch of tourists from Florida. Hey, we wanted to see the Lord of the Rape tour. Take us to Hobbit Town. Sorry, I came from a hotspot, Orlando. We were in Disney World and we had the bright idea of flying to New Zealand. Yeah, when will they ever let Americans go anywhere? Things are only getting worse here.

Yeah, I guess that's true. I probably won't travel until like, or I won't like leave the country until we're really, really allowed to and encouraged to. And it's like, hey, we beat it. We did it because like, it wouldn't be that fun to go to any country while this is happening anyway. It seems like it's a post-vaccine fantasy. Yeah, and then I'll go back to Iceland. I haven't been there in a minute. Yeah, it's been years now. You haven't taken your bi-yearly trip to Iceland yet. I do love Reykjavik. All right, let's take a break, come back, answer some more questions after these messages. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast.

You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not-so-tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah, for me personally, these things are perfect.

I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're a great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family.

You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant?

Yeah, really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant.

Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. Better know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you.

The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift and visit AuraFrames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com.

And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best-selling frames. There it is. Oh wow, this is timely. The deal ends on June 18th, so don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's AuraFrames-A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay, go get your parents something, all right?

And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional license therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place

and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time

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and it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. All right. And we are back. No unsolicited advice this week. Just questions and answers.

Cram them in. That's right. Yeah. Let's see here. You look like shit, of course. You look sickly. Again, these are not really questions. They're concerns.

They're valid. Tips for living with a Trump supporter says Dr. Okiar. Dr. O-C-U-R. Dr. O-C-Y-U-R. Three. Damn. Move.

Living with a Trump supporter. Although it's pretty nice to live with him now because Trump is slowly falling apart and melting down and being objectively bad so it would be fun to be able to troll a Trump supporter now as the case numbers keep rising and you'd be like, do you think he did good here? He looks really sweaty here.

He's still good to you about that. Look how slow he went down the stairs. We were just laughing. I was laughing with my friends and family about how he bragged about going down the stairs but it's obviously really slow. Isn't that weird? Do you still think that you're a supporter of him?

So I would sort of needle him and stuff like that. Right. I guess that's good. Needling sounds good if you can't move. Yeah, and then if he wins the election you get the fuck out of there. If Trump wins again, you high tail it out of there. Do you ever fantasize about the election

and Joe Biden actually beating Donald Trump? Or are you not allowing yourself to get excited? I have not really fantasized about that. I sometimes more just have a little pang of anxiety. Trump can't win again. That makes me nervous to think about it. It feels like consistently in the last year or two every time I think that things are bad

they get worse in a new and surprising way that I wouldn't have expected. So it makes sense that he would win in that regard. Or that I'm not going to get excited about an election in November because I feel like nine new horrifying terrible things will happen between now and then. Right. And it will detract from whatever I'm feeling

about the election and also maybe it'll like... I don't know what if that Kraken that we mentioned just comes out of the Gulf of Mexico and starts attacking New Orleans. Then they don't have the election because there's a monster that's attacking Earth. Right. Or if they're like, oh yeah, mail fraud is bad

so we can't even have an election. Let's do it next year and get back to us then or something like that. That one's almost as likely as my Kraken. How many pancakes, writes Sir Trash, is the goat amount... That's a great question and I know the answer and I'm curious to see if you do as well. I would say three stacked on top of each other

is the goat amount of pancakes. Yeah, well you were fucking close because it's actually two and you don't need three because the goat amount of pancakes is two because it's associated. It's part of your lumberjack breakfast that comes with eggs, that comes with bacon. It comes with coffee and it comes with OJ.

You're really gonna have three pancakes with that? It's a little too much. It's a little too many. Yeah, I was thinking more of like a standalone blueberry pancake breakfast. That's not worth it. You don't have pancakes if you don't have bacon and you don't have bacon if you can't have eggs.

You need savory, you need sweet, you need coffee and you need the OJ and you need two pancakes and you want to put the butter in between the pancakes to melt it really nice, okay? It is kind of weird to just get pancakes. It's like eating four muffins for breakfast. It's like switch it up a little, get a variety. You don't need that.

There's something you want to split, there's something you want to add on, like should we get pancakes too? I can't imagine this being like, yeah, I'm just having pancakes for my breakfast. That's, it's too much. Yeah, but what about French toast? You can have French toast just by itself.

What about French toast? What about it? Do you prefer that to pancakes? Can you have that standalone? Of course. Or does it replace pancakes or does it replace toast? It replaces waffles. You're yelling.

I don't, I'm not a huge fan of French toast. I think all of these things are like, they're just like a little sweet bonus breakfast that you'd have with bacon and eggs. That's, that's what I want every day. And then I want like some bites of a waffle, some bites of a pancake. I want someone to split with.

And I don't care about French toast. That's, you'd go pancakes, then waffles, then French toast. French toast dead last, but I prefer freedom toast. Nice. Okay, where would you put freedom toast? Above all. Above French fries or if I call them freedom fries. I would put, I would go waffle, then French toast,

then pancakes in order best to worst. I do think waffle is the go, waffles top. Waffle, pancakes, French toast. Give me a crispy bread. Oh, here's a good question for you. Henry Rick asks, who are the two hottest people in the world and what would it be like if they were married? Damn.

That's tough. I feel like hottest, can we do any timeline? Like, can I get 27 year old Brad Pitt? Can I get that? Oh, sure. I mean, it's all just hypothetical. Say like two people, you don't have to worry about like time traveling or anything like that.

Well, that's the fucking issue, because if I say Brad Pitt and I get, I mean, he's still beefy, he's still hot, but he's not the hottest guy in the world right now. I feel like that title goes to Harry Styles. Okay. Okay, why are you fucking upset? This is supposed to be like a light-hearted question. I'm not upset, I'm having fun.

I just want to answer the question well. Yeah, okay, do fucking any timeline. So, Cleopatra and Brad Pitt, like. That's solid. It's not solid. You don't know what these people look like. All right, give me your current one. Harry Styles and Margot Robbie.

I'm surprised you want Harry Styles, because he's not very jacked. He's more of like a lean, pretty boy. Yeah, that's true, but I don't really know. Like, oh, I guess maybe Chris Hemsworth. Yeah, Hemsworth is pretty solid. That's a good looking guy. Yeah.

And then, for a lady, you're going Margot Robbie? I think so. Yeah. That's cool. And what if they were married? That'd be crazy. Wait, who did you say, but who do you think is the hottest? The hottest couple?

I was going to say Brad Pitt from age 27, and Lindsay Lohan from a wet dream I had when I was 12. Jesus Christ. How hot is that couple? Imagine them married. Nice. Nice, dude. You butchered the question.

What? You were the one who was like talking about multiple timelines and shit like that. You're the one that brought it to a wet dream. There was no one hotter than Lohan that night. A Tiffany Ambertheus in type. Oh, wow. I had a wet dream about Tiffany Ambertheus

when I was a kid. Yeah, that was a weird moment. Did you think you peed the bed? I think I knew what it was because we learned about it in school. You learned about it that day, and your brain said, I had to have it. Wait, did you think you peed the bed? Yeah.

Did you tell your parents? No, there's no pee. No, I did not tell my parents. Of course I didn't tell my parents that I pee-peed my bed. I'm 21. I found out it was a night-emission, and I called my uncle. Nate File asks, vodka sauce or regular marinara?

Vodka all day. I love vodka sauce. That was what I got for my birthday dinner last year. I went to Little Italy, and I got one of those huge, huge, big-ass bowls of vodka sauce pasta. Very, very good. You went to Little Italy. Little Italy.

Oh, my God. Can you imagine? It was so crowded. It was so crowded everywhere, and we had to wait for a table. Just you staring into a snow globe. You're not a sauce guy. I don't love the sauce. I prefer a bolognese to either of these,

but I guess you can add meat to either. So I'll go regular marinara. It's a little too creamy for my taste. I don't love the cheese. I don't love the cream. I love the cream. Is there actual vodka in vodka sauce? I think so, but it's burned away.

It's not alcoholic. You don't have to show an ID to buy vodka sauce that Trader chose. Right? What's the biggest meal you've ever eaten? Michael or otherwise? That's from Myo Todd. I guess we could amend that to the biggest meal you've ever eaten, because it's clearly just a stretch for a Keaton pun, right?

Yeah. So the biggest meal I've ever Keaton was Michael Keaton. It was a keto. It was Keaton. Wait, did he mean keto or Keaton like Michael Keaton? I mean, they wrote Keaton. K-E-A-T-O-N. Okay, so yeah, that's Michael Keaton.

So yeah, before I saw Multiplicity, I ate two cheeseburgers. That was the biggest meal I've ever Michael Keaton'd. Really? Two cheeseburgers? Yeah, because I also had a side of sauce. Oh man, that's good. What's the biggest meal you've ever had? I feel like when I was in high school, I used to sometimes in the middle of the day go home and have a bacon and cheese omelet and potato chips

and a box of Annie's macaroni and cheese. Wow, that's a lot of cheese. A lot of food. I remember one time I got McDonald's and I got a crispy chicken sandwich French fries and I made a bowl of Annie's Mac and cheese. So it's something like that. It's like a full meal that's already unhealthy and then like, I can just eat Annie's macaroni and cheese nonstop.

I'll never get full of it. It doesn't count as a meal to me in my head. My body doesn't think of it as food or something. It's cotton candy. I've eaten, I can eat an entire box of Annie's macaroni and cheese always no matter what. And regardless of what you've eaten, you can also eat Annie's macaroni and cheese. One time I ate Annie's Mac and cheese out of Michael Keaton's ass. Jesus Christ.

Yeah, I do eat Annie's macaroni and cheese still. I do and I think it's good. You haven't tired of it. Especially because now I eat it less because I try to stay trim and I try to stay yoked. I try to stay jacked and shredded so I don't eat it as much. But it's sort of like a little cheat day. I probably have it once every couple months. That's good.

Yeah, and when I do have it, I go ham. I go all in. Like you add ham to it? Yeah, I'll add ham. And if Jill's having some too and I'm like, oh, okay, so we'll add a second box. She's like, no, I don't need a whole box. I'm like, well, no, like I need a whole box.

You grabbing her wrist. She's like, okay, then I don't want any at all. So then I'll just make a box and then Jill wants a bite. And then I'm like, I never ever could never say no to her. But when she eats a single bite of my Annie's macaroni and cheese, I am full of like this jealous rage. Yeah, wow. Bart Carey asks, what has Glocal been up to during quarantine?

We actually haven't heard from John Wolfe during the quarantine, unless you have. That makes me a little, that makes me concerned that we didn't hear from him. I think he was a super spreader. Really? Which you actually can't get like, they could never prove that he did it on purpose. Yeah, and even if they can, it's not illegal for him to like get sick and then sort of be out and about.

Like it's not nice and he should have worn a mask, but he wore like this. It's morally reprehensible. Right. He wore like a porous mask to a bar and then he sort of spent the next day out and about coughing hither and thither sort of into his, into his fist. But like he made like a circle through his fist. So like it would still like the aerosols would travel through his hand. That's something Glocal would do too.

Like after he's, after he's better, he knows he doesn't have it. He will walk around maskless coughing really loud just to sort of ruin people's day. Yeah, that's cool. I mean, not cool, but not illegal, I should say. Right. All right, a few more. Let's, let's make, let's make him count though. Fake glasses ever be cool asks Brian J Long.

That's actually an interesting question. Hold on. Let me put these on and think about it. Whoa. Those look cool. I think fake glasses can be cool on you because you had glasses. They were a part of your identity and then you got LASIK, but you feel, you feel comfortable with them on.

The problem is the word fake glasses. They're not fake glasses. They need a rebrand. These are real glasses. They're just non-prescription lenses because they're still lenses too. You don't, yeah. So like, I don't need glasses. I just like wearing glasses.

I think they can be cool. I mean, blue light glasses definitely work also. You know, you just, there's a reason. Now there are reasons for wearing glasses that you don't necessarily need for like a prescription. So I think, I think they can be cool. I think protecting your eyes is cool. That's cool. And you can start with like clear frames so it's kind of like more subtle

and then build your way up to like the full Clark Kent glasses. That's right. Which NBA player writes Big Spenda would make the best president? It's got to be LeBron. That is sort of the probably most, the answer most given, LeBron for president. He's very well-spoken. He's very charismatic. He's cool.

He's the best. So you would think that he's also the most popular. He can get the most votes. He cares about the, like the whole team. He's never doing anything just for LeBron. You know, he like, he makes a lot of assists. Doesn't he lead the NBA in assists? Yeah, this year he's just like fucked around and led the NBA in assists

because he just wanted to and he's that smart, high basketball IQ too. So it probably translates to politics. Definitely. Yeah. No, he's, he's great. I don't think there's anybody better than LeBron. But let's hear an unpopular answer from you since you know everybody in the NBA. Well, there's Malcolm Brogdon, who his nickname is the president.

So right off the bat, makes me think of him. Chris Paul is the president of the Players Association. He's also a very well-spoken, charismatic leader. So Chris Paul could be a good answer. And then for my dark horse candidate, I'm going with Myers Leonard. Wow. Who is last seen shotgunning a Coors light in the bubble. And that's my president.

Respect. And Joshy catch says, not really a question, but I've been really into blankets of late, you know, shawls of that nature, which prompted me to think of the question, have you ever or will you ever or could you ever or would you dare to wear a robe? So this is unrelated. Just would I wear a robe? Well, blankets, shawls, comfort, that, that type of, that type of thing. What do you think? I've never gotten, I've never gotten into robes for whatever reason.

Like when hotels provide robes, I'm rarely just in them. I know you like to don a robe. Every single time a hotel has a robe, I will take a shower and put on the robe. But I don't have a robe at home. And it seems like during quarantine, I especially would have gotten into a robe thing. Yeah, why don't you get a home robe or a hob for short? I should get a hob. Perhaps I will.

It seems like you would be into a hob too, because you, you like, I feel like you spent most of the quarantine in pajama pants. You like pajamas. Yeah, I like pajamas and I like baths and usually those two overlap and you wear a robe. But I guess I'm wondering when you wear a robe after a bath, I put on pajamas. Are you saying I should put on a robe, completely dry off, then put on pajamas after? Yeah, and sometimes you could put on like pajama pants or boxer shorts with the robe, because a robe is a comfortable thing to kind of like lounge in. It's hard to think about a robe in the summer.

Like I'm hot right now, so I'm like thinking about a robe doesn't bring me, it doesn't spark joy for me, but I know that in the winter I like thinking about robes. So I'm not writing it entirely. Right, or you can wear like a silk robe, but you never see like a short robe, like a short sleeved robe. Yeah, and I wish you would. I want robes to be disrupted and I want like a slim, sleek looking robe. I feel like I always see like restoration hardware style robes that are just like big chunky. I want something like, I want like a, I want the Mack Wilden robe, you know?

I see, so like a, that's what you said about masks too, you want a dry fit Nike robe. Yeah, I kind of do, and by the way, I got a, I got an Adidas mask and it's not good, so there's no fucking solution, yeah. That's a shame. Would you say you want to put the robe back into anti-microbial? Let's call the episode. What's that? I thought that was pretty fucking clever to have the word robe into the, because you said you wanted the Mack Wilden of robes, so it's like moisture wicking shit, the anti-microbe, you'll robe.

And you said to end the show there. All right, fine, end the show there. Who won the fucking golden mic? I got the golden mic. I got the golden mic for thinking of Hope, because I did Hope. What? Hope? First of all, I think that was me. Second of all, Hope is so much worse than anti-microbe.

I know it's not great, and that's why I got the golden mic, because you did say it, that's right, but then I embraced it, and I made it what it is, which is iconic. It's Hope. It's a home robe. And then you made some kind of- You don't have to fucking explain it to me. I know what it is, because I said it, I came up with it. I said that Hope is a home robe.

Hope is a home robe. It gives me the golden mic, is that when you fumble a ball on the one-yard line, somebody picks it up and runs it into a touchdown. I ran it in. I'm the fucking idiot. I ran it in. I spiked it. I ran, I took the ball, and I said it.

You got the 30 for anti-microbial, because it's so... It's just, it's indulgent. It's petty. It's small. It's weird. It's weird. The only thing weird is your attitude towards it. What are you talking about?

It's not petty or small, and it's not weird. What? It's just, it's beneath you to even argue about this at this point. Okay? I don't think so. Sure, fine. We're belaboring this. It happened.

You have the 30. I have the golden mic. Not a bad episode. All in all, you didn't get the 30 until the fucking really the last couple minutes of the show, which means you had a pretty good show. Yeah, I thought I had a really good show actually. Aside from that hope fiasco. It wasn't a fiasco.

I said a hope. You liked it. You gave yourself a trophy for liking a joke that I made. Whatever. Who gives a shit? Give me the fucking golden mic. Yeah, let's do that. Can we take that again, where you give me the golden mic?

Sorry, you said who gives a shit. Well, if you don't want to do it again, I'll leave that in and then I'll go from there to the closing theme song. You said who gives a shit and now you're making me. On the record. On mic. No, I'm saying I'm not going to use this part. If we will redo it and if you don't want to redo it, then let's end it with who gives

a shit. All right. Why don't you end it with who gives a shit and leave out this sad little segment where you beg me to retake something so you can get the trophy. So you can get the golden mic that you didn't earn. We'll leave this part out. All right. So that's a no go.

That's a no go on the trophy. Yeah. All right. That sucks. But that's. Yeah. It is what it is. It is what it is.

Reset. Okay. Reset. We'll take it from who gives a shit and then we'll end the episode. Just try to be in a positive mood to sign off. Who gives a shit? Oh God. This isn't going to cut in.

It's not going to edit well because it's such a different energy. You're locked into needing to use this at this point. Who gives a shit? Who gives a shit? Could you talk because I have like a frog in my throat now. You also have something in your eyes. You're openly weeping. I'm humid in the eye.

I have a humid eye and a weird ear. All right. That's it. That's our show. If you want more of us chatting into a microphone, we recommend the headgum podcast on the headgum network every week. It's some combination of us with Jeffrey, some other headgum friends and family chatting it up.

Correct. Yep. Oh yeah. Very silly. Great job. And we're also making weekly videos, Jake and Amir watch videos, some more AMAs on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash J.A.

Job, baby. The opening theme song was Kieran, remember? I do. And this closing one. Sarah. Sarah. This closing one is from somebody whose email name is Patriarch, but his email address is Kevin Melser.

So whether he goes by Kevin or Patriarch, thank you for this closing theme song. Okay. Cool. Yeah. Thank you. Hell yeah. And we will be back as always next week. Stay healthy.

Stay home. Wear a mask for crying out loudly. Enough already. That was a headgum podcast.