If I Were You - 445: Only Fans

Episode Date: July 27, 2020

In this episode we discuss various Zoom meals we recently shared with Broadway royalty, then a question or two about porn and having sex during quarantine.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Remember the days when you made all the Jake and the Miz. Now you're getting old man. Remember despite losing fame that you're the man. Tune in now to If I Were You, podcast hosted by these two dudes. Tune in now, it's quite swell. They'll mock you like they know you well.

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I love the twist ending. That's an interesting factoid that we would get out of our relationships and be with each other. That's a fun little end to our story. Yeah, that's fucking... I agree, but it's a cool final act you have to admit.

There's no way, I mean... We're not compatible. It's not even at all. Right, in that way. An odd couple. Yeah, I wouldn't make sense. Would you do that though? I mean, I was just doing...

I feel like I'm just doing a bit, but you're like, Jesus, you're... No, I'm doing a bit. You want it so badly, I can tell. You wrote the song. You wrote the song. I'm curious. You are.

I'm bi-curious. No, I know you are. Actually, I didn't write it. George Collins wrote it. And it was great. I forgot what an earworm that song is. It really, it's so catchy. It's...

A 22-year-old from Wales about to move to London to work for the Bank of New York, so he's a very Hamilton-esque setup. I can see that. Yeah, that makes sense. Where the hell is Wales? I don't know.

I imagine it's like an island the regular island of UK. You'd be incorrect about that. It's... It's not an island? It's... Well, England's an island, okay? So, in that, it is an island,

but it's attached to the main island. And it's just sort of a section. It's on the bottom half, on the western part. And is it a different country, Wales? Is it just like... When you're Welsh, do you speak Welsh or is it just like,

yeah, you're basically English? I think you're... I mean, I'm glad that you're asking me, because... Because you're sort of an expert in terms of socioeconomic... It's a country. It's a country in southwest Great Britain

known for its rugged coastline. It's a mountainous national park, distinctive Welsh language, and Celtic culture. That's cool. And then, so, the Welsh language, does that sound like English or like, can you speak a little Welsh?

Well, it's a little different. Nice. Very nice. Obviously, I'm kidding. I knew all this stuff about Wales. Right. No, yeah. I mean, I feel like both of us are...

Experts. Experts. We're Welsh experts. Yeah. Because you had a residency, excuse me, on the Isle of Man. Yeah, so I spent...

That's funny that you bring it up. Yeah, so I spent two years on the Isle of Man learning about Welsh and various United Kingdom, like the whole Commonwealth and different things about that, between politics and geography. And then, I did my PhD

in Scottish architecture. So, like, I was able to get, like, a full broad spectrum of work. Okay. Was that all at Isle of Man, or did you travel at all? Did you go anywhere? No, I ended up in the peninsula

of women for, like, half of it, and then I spent most of it on the... the archaeopegalo of dudes. And then, most of them, I was just, like, for the rest of the time, I was on the fjord of chicks.

Absolutely savage. I spent a fucking winter on the fjord of chicks, using my fjord focus I was able to get from one part of Wales to the other. The fjord of fjokas. We have to start learning this shit

because now that America's not, like, at the top of the pecking order, like, how the virus is killing us economically and physically, we have to, like, start learning shit about other countries, like, they're learning about ours. There was a time...

Like, I can't just go to France and be, like, talk to me and I eat language because I'm the big dog. I mean, we were never, like, really number one, you know, but we sort of, like, had enough cover

that we could say that. And now... We acted as though we belonged at the top. Now, the curtain has been pulled back. We are... Yeah. We're not an isle of dumbasses.

The virus has exposed us. It's an international IQ test that we failed. And we're like, we elected this leader. Can I come to your country? And they're finally saying, no, obviously not.

You're sick. You're infected with this dumbass disease that you can't shake because half your country refuses to wear a mask, and that's fair for them to say that to me. So now I have to learn French,

I have to learn Spanish, and I have to prove myself so that I can enter their country just as they used to do to enter ours. So you can live on the isle of man so you can be the man. The man at the top of the isle. It's funny,

we were talking about the Hamilton song at the top. I just watched the Disney Plus taped version of it, and it was very good. And you can see during that part, King George, played by Jonathan Groff,

is spitting, drooling during the song. Like, he's so insane, I guess, that he, like, wanted to, like, get into character by basically pooling his mouth up with saliva, and when he's singing, he's foaming and spitting as much as I've ever seen anybody do

during a song. And is that, like, a character choice? Like, this guy would spit and be foaming at the mouth because he's crazy? Or is that, like, my vocal cords are gonna work best if they're super lubed up,

and most people in the audience won't see this? It's not being taped. You know, like, did he do that specifically to be seen on tape, or is that just his process, and it was revealed through the tape?

I actually asked Jonathan the other day that exact question. Really? And it's so funny. Did he have an answer? We're having a Zoom, we had a Zoom brunch. Nice.

So Groff was like, it was interesting about it. What did you guys have for a Zoom brunch? Just because I want to get to his answer also, but you said you had a Zoom brunch, and was it just you two? I was just having, I was just picking at a salad,

and he had some casserole or something. So it wasn't like a planned thing? It wasn't like, oh, let's sit down for brunch? It was a planned thing. It was a planned thing. You were picking at a salad, like a tabooly salad?

Yeah, it was just like picking at a tabooly salad. He had, like, some zucchini, weird casserole thing, glue, whatever. Does he have a dietary thing? Sorry. Yeah, it doesn't matter. I feel like you shouldn't be,

you're getting frustrated with me. I'm just chatting. No, he doesn't have a dietary thing. He's just, now we're getting really off topic, but he's trying to reduce his gluten intake. Sounds like a dietary thing. He's on a diet.

Yes, but it's not like, it's not an allergy. It's a sense, now we're getting really, really off topic. It's not an allergy, but it's a sensitivity, but it's not even the one that he's having. His partner is just trying to limit,

okay, the amount of gluten. So he's like, you know, in solidarity. Okay, we got that. We set it up. That's all I wanted to say. So Jonathan was so funny. He was like picking at this.

What time was it? Are you guys on the same coast? Are you guys on the same coast for a Zoom brunch? Because I guess I would just imagine that he's East Coast based. So then that's like, right, you're so pissed. This has nothing to do with anything,

but he's visiting his parents in Florida. So yes, he's East Coast, but he's not East Coast based. He's not East Coast. Okay, he's from Oakland. Okay. Yeah. So he's usually,

he's a California kid just like me. Nice. And it's just you two. Why are you so mad? I was wondering if it was just you two on the Viking Zoom brunch. It was, yes. It was just me and Jonathan.

Jonathan, and he was in Florida with his parents picking at a, no, sorry. He had a casserole, a zucchini casserole, and you, a gluten-free zucchini casserole. I was picking at a tabbouleh salad with egg whites. And that was when you asked him about the spittle during his performance of the taped Hamilton.

So it's so funny. I was talking about it for Disney Plus. Yeah. And I forgot, I totally forgot his answer. It was so funny. It was funny. But it was really funny. I don't remember what he said.

It was like, yeah. But you remembered so many other details. You remembered everything. His family had just gotten takeout the night before and the restaurant provided sporks. And so he's like, this is fun. I'm just going to use it. He's really funny when he's like picking at the stuff.

I was picking at the salad. He was also picking at the gluten-free zucchini thing. And he was using a spork, a plastic spork, because he's like, how often, and then I'm like, how often do you ever get to use a spork? And that's exactly what he said. And it was like, jinx, jinx, jinx. Did you guys take a screenshot?

Sometimes when I do like a zoom brunch, I'll like, we'll do like this. Now we didn't take a fucking screenshot. Whoa. And that's actually quite enough with the follow-ups. Oh my God. That's actually very quite enough with the follow-ups. Oh my God.

What? Why? What does it matter? I was chatting with you. Yeah. And I was chatting with Jonathan. I was having a zoom brunch with Jonathan Groff. And it was so funny.

And we were like talking about like how. I feel like you're saying it's funny. You're talking about like what you're talking about. You're talking about what you're eating. But then every time I ask a question to try to get in on the joy, you shut down and you're angry with me. This is exactly. Yeah.

That's exactly what Jonathan was talking about. It was so funny. He's like, yeah, but you have like one of those friends that's like always trying to get in on the joy. And it's like, he's not going to get in on the joy. And I'm like, yeah, I think I have someone in my life. That's kind of like that. You're talking about so much specific shit that I was curious about.

I feel like, am I like, I feel like I'm being gaslit by you right now. No. Okay. We were, I wasn't even talking about you actually. Really? I was talking about a different buddy of mine. Yes. So.

But now that you bring it up. You're kind of like, and it was so funny because Jonathan was like also talking about somebody else, but like earlier today, he was talking about a different friend. He's like, oh my God, that totally reminds me of the time that, what are you laughing about? What are you laughing about? Because you weren't there. Don't fucking, don't find joy in that.

That's the story between me and Groff. During your Zoom brunch. Sorry. Yeah, no. Yeah. Yeah. We had a Zoom brunch. Yeah.

Where he was eating a fucking casserole. How did you know what he was eating? You told me this. You told me this. How did you know what I was eating? You said you were having a tabooly salad. You said he was in Florida. You said you were in LA.

I was picking at it. Yeah, you were picking at it. He's from Oakland. I know a lot. He doesn't have a dietary thing, but his partner does and he's not eating gluten out of solidarity. I know way too much, but I don't know anything about the spittle, which is what I fucking asked you about. And that's how we got into this entire thing.

I asked you about the spittle. You said you knew the answer. You brought me on this insane journey where you gave me a ton of information that I didn't ask for or require or need in any way. Jonathan. Jonathan. Yeah. Can I call you later?

I'm doing that stupid little radio show I was telling you about. Really? Let's talk shit about our podcast. That's stupid little radio show. I heard you. Yeah, yeah, with the guy. Yeah. The guy that I was saying.

You said you weren't talking about me. The thing where he tries to suck joy. So specifically about me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. All right. I'll call you later. Hey, and remember, don't forget the spork.

Nice. All right, bye. I mean, sporks are funny. Sporks are funny. I feel like I can find them. You'll never guess who called. I know who called. It was Jonathan.

Yeah. It was Jonathan Groff. It was Jonathan Groff. And you... Yeah, I had a... I actually had brunch with him. A Zoom brunch. I know.

This is insane. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. You are. I do see a little bottle of crazy pills. Have you seen the Hamilton? Have you seen the Disney Pros version? I haven't seen the film. I haven't seen the film.

But I did a Zoom... I did a Zoom cocktail hour with Lynn. Kind of one-upping you in that regard. What you guys... What you guys... I had an April spritz. Lynn had a corona with a lime. Not really a cocktail, but...

Yeah, it wasn't a cocktail. It wasn't a cocktail. It wasn't a cocktail. But we had a happy hour. And that's actually just you two or it was far to like it. It was just us two. It was just us two. Our wives were supposed to join, but the last minute his kid got sick.

My wife had... she had a stomach thing. So everyone was sick. We had a cocktail and he had a beer and we talked about that. I was funny that, you know, we each had a reason he canceled, but we didn't want to. We didn't need to. We didn't want to. That's nice. It's actually really nice.

What did you guys discuss on the scene? We discussed on the happy hour. It's actually none of your business, but we discussed the spittle coming out of Jonathan Groff's mouth during Hamilton. Really? And I know the answer. What did he have to say in terms of it? And I know the answer.

And I know the answer to the question that I wanted. Was it to lube the vocal cords? You said it was to lube the vocal cords. Or what did you say? At the end of the day, it was to lube the vocal cords. Is that why you used that specific verbiage? When you were asking me the question you had already known, that was like a fucking test to see if I remember what Groff told me on my Zoom brunch where he was having a gluten-free

zucchini loaf and I was having a fucking... I was picking it at it. I was picking it at it. Exactly. That's exactly right because Lynn and I talked about how toxic you are and we baited you into this because we knew you were talking shit with Groff because I was a non-video participant in your brunch. No way.

That was a positive. Because Lynn tipped me off as a non-video participant. I called Groff. I turned my video off. He called you. And I know what he had. I knew what he had before you knew what he had. I knew about his gluten thing.

I knew about his partner's gluten thing. I knew he was in Florida. And I knew you had it to bully himself. This is insane. You were setting me up. But if I'd never asked you what you were up to, you would have never told me about the lint thing. So when were you going to use this information?

You had it on me. I was telling you the whole story. You didn't bring it up. Then in passing, after the fact, the entire story is complete, you tell me that you were what, spying on me so you could hear the story that I was repeating. Non-viewing participant. I caught you in the act. That's bizarre.

I caught you in the act. What act? What act? You and Groff talking about how I steal joy. How I suck joy. I told you that, by the way. You didn't say gotcha when I told you. You seemed shocked.

You seemed shocked and appalled. I can't believe you were a non. Is that even a thing by the way? I wasn't going to say anything. I wasn't going to say anything. I wasn't going to say anything. But here we are. Because Lynn didn't want me to say anything.

Because he doesn't want you to know that it's three versus one. That it's me, Lynn, and Groff. Against who? And we're all trying to cut you out because you're toxic to us. Yeah. I actually didn't know that. I'm sorry. We were actually all three of us cracking up about that shit before you even got in

on the joke. What are you talking about? You are joking about, don't forget this work. You were making fun of the fact that I thought it was funny. No. You were making fun of the fact that the spork thing was funny because that happened to Groff when he and his parents got takeout in Fort Lauderdale. Okay.

Yes. That's what I was telling you. Yes. I said, you should fucking tell Amir because he gets a kick out of that kind of shit. He did tell me that. Yeah. I thought we did get a kick out of it. You did.

That's how you got your guard lowered down. Don't forget this spork. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. I actually just ordered. I made a mistake. I tried to order 10 sporks off Amazon so I can eat it next Zoom brunch.

And I accidentally ordered 1,000 pairs of 10 sporks. Oh my God. So I have 10,000 sporks when all I need is a knife. Like how fucked up is that? You should call Alanis and tell her that. That's so funny. You mentioned that because I was having a dessert. A dessert with an office.

You had a dessert. Yeah. A Zoom style or did you do an outdoor? A Zoom dessert. No. A Zoom dessert. Virtual dessert. Yeah.

I had a Zoom dessert. After our dinners, we had separate dinners. Right? Did you have dinners? The Alanis logged on. Sorry to interrupt. Did you have Zoom dinners with other people or was it just like? I did.

And that's actually a funny story. I'll tell you about that afterward. So I had a Zoom dessert with Alanis. What's that? I brought that. Yeah. Well, that is for set. And I brought that up.

The 10,000 sporks that I had accidentally ordered it because she was also friends. Oh, she's friends with Groff or she's friends with Groff's partner or parents from Portland? She's friends with Lynn. I guess she was a non... I think she was a non-video participant with you and Lynn's cocktail hour because it came up. Impossible. She was a little buzzed on my Zoom dessert.

Impossible. Yeah. She knew about the sporks. She knew about the questions. I really hope she wasn't a non-video participant on that call because... She was. Yeah. I did some things that were a little uncut.

I feel like Lynn might have baited me into talking... She didn't mention anything about me, did she? She said... Yeah. She said... She said you brought up two things at Nozium. It was the sporks and then this bizarre little... I don't want to say it on the podcast because we're recording, but you have this eczema

on your gruntle in between your asshole and your dick too. I wasn't going to... I guess you have like a trail. I had three spritz and I tell Lynn one secret. I had three spritz. And I guess... Yeah. I guess more set heard about it because we were eating pie on Zoom in a dessert fashion.

And she was having an old-fashioned during your cocktail hour, which was actually... She was participating in non-video style, right? Yeah. I know. She told me how it looked like you had red ants basically crawling out of your ass into your dick and it was bubbling, right? It looks like someone had stapled it and that was the scarring. That's what the eczema looks like, right?

These are intense details and I know them, right, verbatim, as you described them to Lynn during your Zoom cocktail hour. That's a more of a happy hour. She had a beer. And I heard them. She had a beer so it was more of a happy hour. And I heard them. Don't worry about that part.

And I heard them from a Linus during our Zoom dessert, or as we call it, a dessert. And we spent the better part of the hour cracking up about that. She was kind of tipsy because, again, she had an old-fashioned while she was crashing your Zoom cocktail hour. You're done. Man. The Zoom where it happened, the Zoom where it happened. I want to be in the Zoom where it happened.

That's funny you mentioned that. You'll never believe who I had a Google hangout with. Right now, I was looking down at their podcast, being like, Jesus, this is a nine-hour episode. Or even Saturday. Jesus, there's only four minutes left in this episode and they haven't said the name of the show. Dude, we did the promote whatever the songsters like Bandcamp or whatever is. Did we already say that?

No, I didn't get around to that actually. I figured that would have been a problem. If people want to follow me on Instagram and recommend other musical numbers to parody, he'd be happy to give them a try, which is at George, but spelled the way you do. You usually say Jorge, callings, so J-O-R-G-E, callings. Not callings, but Jorge callings, C-O-L-L-I-N-G-S. All right, Jorge callings. Sending my best to all the Hedgum folks in these trying times.

So thanks, George, AKA Jorge. Thank you. Appreciate it. Indeed. I guess I need to take a break because, shit, I have to hop off. We won't record this part. Let's take a break, but I have a Zoom lunch thing scheduled for right about now. I didn't realize it was going to take this long with Leslie Oden Jr.

Wow. That's awesome. All right, let's take a break. I'll do that. Zoom lunch. And then I'll tell you all about it. There's eight non-video participants. If you want to just, everyone should turn on their, turn on your video.

Let's have a reveal. Oh God, this is a fucking surprise Zoom party. All right, we'll be back after these messages. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Hedgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Hedgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct.

I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why.

As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to stay in touch with your family.

You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame.

We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. This is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah.

Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes.

And we let her know with an Aura. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So, you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something. That could be funny.

Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah.

It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit AuraFrames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best-selling frames. There it is. Oh wow.

This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So, don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's AuraFrames. A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something, all right?

And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist, is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp

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Yes, I do. You know what's coming back? The Goat Show. My podcast with my brother. Wow. You didn't get enough doing a full season of The Goat Show and NADpod and this podcast. You said, you know what? Let's bring it back.

That's right. You know, I only, I only record four or five podcasts a week and I felt like, why not make it six? You know, just go all in smart. So the Goat Show is back for another season. The Goat Show is, I think it's back for another season, but we're going to be doing maybe more like monthly or bi-weekly episodes. Give ourselves a little bit more time to test and review the products.

But you can listen to the first season right now if you haven't already. We reviewed key rings, white t-shirts, cocktails, at-home workouts. You can, you can hear what happens as COVID hits and what we start reviewing. We did at-home workouts, what to do during quarantine, and then we ended with cocktails. Yeah. We did pillows. Yeah. We covered a lot of bases and we're starting again next week.

We will be revealing the Goat Mask. We tested maybe 25 masks, face masks. Oh my God. And there is a goat? I think there's a clear winner. Yeah. I do, frankly. The cut, the butt, and the coconut of these masks.

That is not. Is that close to what you, how you rate them? I will reveal what we are, the system. I believe we are using the mask, the task, and the mask. The mask being how swampy your mouth gets when you're basking in the mask. That's right. Very nice. Mike had just ended up reviewing a masquerade mask on a stick that you were like.

A New Year's Eve ball. Yeah, exactly. It's perfect. All right, cool. Return of the Goat Show just in time. Check it out and subscribe now. I should say that this is, if I were you, an advice podcast usually. The only one on the web hosted by us.

I'm Amir. It might be the latest we introduced the show. Maybe. I can act. I feel like we've done that. We did that before that time you pitched a Pixar movie for the first 20 minutes of the show. Yeah.

Yeah, I remember. Did they end up making that movie, by the way? They did, The Talking Garage. Yes, yes, The Talking Garage. I adored that idea. That was simply a choice, a choice that I made to pitch it that way. It made us laugh and it made you cry. We ended up making it.

Pixar spent five years animating it. It is out in theaters now. It's called Cars 2, The Garage. All right, here's a question about OnlyFans talking about quarantine chic ideas. Okay. Yeah. This lady, Fanta, only Fanta writes, Hey guys, I'm a big fan, and I have been spam listening to your podcast all year.

Spam listening. Is that like when you listen to a lot in a row or something? Like binge listening? Yeah, I guess. Okay. Anyway, lately my boyfriend has been telling me I should start on OnlyFans and has even posted some pictures of me on places to see the reaction people would have. My question is, what's your opinion on starting on OnlyFans?

And if you have any advice on how to go about making some bank, I'd like to use the money I could earn to start traveling. Any word of wisdom would be great. Thank you. I have a feeling this person's not in America because they said spam listening and they plan on traveling, which Americans can't do. Oh, interesting. Very interesting.

Nice. Good detective. She probably lives on the Isle of Man. Yeah, the Isle of Spam. And your porn expertise, have you dabbled into the OnlyFans realm of it all? I've gotten close. I haven't. Okay.

I haven't pulled the trigger. There's too much of an unknown for me, for OnlyFans, I feel like. Like because it's... At least personal. Well look, paid porn sites show you like previews. You really see what you're getting and you want the full... You want full access and you're like, okay, I'll do that. OnlyFans, people have profiles and it just says nine videos, nine pictures, 14 posts.

There's nothing. I see. You have no idea what you're getting into. And all you can do, the only option is subscribe for one month, three months, or the year. So it costs cash for you to even see what you're buying. I see. There's no sneak preview or anything like that. Correct.

I guess people, like maybe if you're specifically looking for, like, I haven't gone there specifically for someone. So maybe if you're like, oh, I like this porn star, I bet that person posts like previews of their OnlyFans. I see. But like, if you just go to OnlyFans.com and you're like trying to peruse and find somebody, there's not really any... There's not really any way to tell what goods you're buying.

It looks like they're trying to expand beyond porn, it seems to. Like, oh, OnlyFans can also be for fashion or fitness or photography. Yeah. I think once you are that porn prevalent, you don't really come back. Like... It's too late for you to pivot OnlyFans. Yes. I feel like...

But I mean, OnlyFans is basically, it's Patreon for porn. So we do it. You know, we whore ourselves out, you know? Yeah, but we do it through comedy because no one wants to see our dicks. Right. Why don't they just call themselves porn-tree-on? I wonder if it's just hard to say or maybe it's like a trademark thing. But...

Yeah. Yeah, because OnlyFans is like, it's also a nice tight URL, but for it to be just a single word of porn-tree-on, let's see if that's even available as a .com. Right. Yeah. It forwards to OnlyFans. Does it really? No.

No. How do you feel about this lady starting in OnlyFans? It's, you know, if you want to do it, you should do it. I don't think there's anything implicitly wrong with starting in OnlyFans. And it doesn't even have to be like, you know, porn. It can be scantily clad photos. But ultimately, it's your decision, not your boyfriend's. Yeah.

I guess I'd hope that the photos that he's posted are with your Express written permission. But there's something nice about like, decentralizing porn, like it's definitely an industry that's run by dudes that notoriously don't care that much about the women in porn. So, so taking, yeah, they're like taking it back is kind of nice, like empowering creators. I think the only thing to remember is just that when you put something on the internet, even if it's behind a private paywall, it, it's out there forever and people will find it. So if you're okay with that, then great, but definitely think about it a lot.

Yeah. Think about it. Make sure it's your decision, not your boyfriend's. And you know, if you can make a lot of money and not necessarily feel too uncomfortable about it, then I don't personally see anything wrong with it. Not that you need my permission. Yeah. If you don't give a shit and you can make money and you can travel and yeah, I mean,

that sounds pretty solid, but definitely don't do it because your boyfriend told you to. Fuck, I might even do it. I mean, I'm playing video games on Twitch. Who's to stop me from doing it in the buff? Like Twitch would probably flag and report it. Yeah, you're not allowed to, you're not allowed to get nude on Twitch, right? That's not kosher. I'm just saying if I play Mario Kart, I'm sitting Indian style naked.

I probably could do it on Twitch, right? You could not do it on Twitch, I think is what we're trying to say, right? Yeah, but I'm wondering if only fans has like streaming platform that I could still do the so I'm Zelda, but my little wieners kind of, I mean, it's out. I'm naked. I don't know what else to say. I don't know if they have the infrastructure because like when you're on Twitch, you're also, you're streaming your screen and you, right?

Yeah. So it's a screen of my TV slash video game and also how do you get the stream from your TV onto the, I feel like I'm computer 70 years old. How do you get your computer onto the, how do you get your TV onto the computer is my yeah, this is me throughout all of May. And then I figured out that you have to like buy a little box that connects in between your Nintendo and your TV and your computer. And it like takes the image from your TV and puts it on your computer.

And then you have a webcam that's shooting you. Did you buy a webcam too or to use your computer one? It's the one that I'm currently using my built in MacBook eyesight. I guess if you're going to go naked, you should probably get like an HD nice camera. There's apparently apps where you can use your, your iPhone camera as a webcam. That's pretty cool. I think that'd just be a nicer way to see your taint and grundle like on, on your only fans when you're streaming doing Zelda naked for.

So it's like Tetris, but it's like my ass, like you can see my ass. It sounds hot. I don't know. Yeah. So I'm like, I mean, I think you get it, but it's basically like Mario, but yeah, you just saying different video games and then a naked part of your body. I get it. You're playing snowboard kid, but it's your cock, right?

You're playing Mario Party, but it's your taint. Yeah. No, I know, I know. I was going to say Mario Party and Taint, but yeah, that works too. That's what I did say. I did say Mario Party and Taint. No, after you said the first thing, that's what I was going to say. And then you said what I was going to say. It's not, I mean, you really might as like, we're just.

It's like, yeah, I'm playing. Yeah, you get it. I'm playing SSX Stricky, but it's your shaft. But instead of like a picture of my face, it's my yeah, it's my shaft or something like that. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, let me know the head. All right, next question. You're starting to make me feel uncomfortable.

I can guess this all only fans thing. Finally, this is from a lady in Northern California. So we'll call her Steph Steph Curry, right? Nice. I'm a 21 year old girl from NorCal. My boyfriend of three and a half years dumped me in March. Pretty soon after quarantine began, I definitely wasn't blindsided by any means. And I agreed that it needed to happen.

So no bad blood, but I've seen him twice since and asked him to hang out both times. And we had a really good time together, just catching up and having some good laughs. I'm going to have my house to myself for a week next month. And part of me really wants to ask him to come over for drinks, hoping he'll end up sleeping over one last time before I go back to college. But is being broken up for four months too soon to invite him over to my house again? I just want to be around someone and know I can have a good time and joke around with and ideally have sex with.

But I'm worried he won't be down for it and will think poorly of me if we're trying to sleep with him again this soon. He was always more sensitive and emotional than me. So I don't know if this is a good idea or if it'll ruin our fully ruin our friendly relationship going forward. Thanks, love. Steph, Steph, right? You know where I stand on this.

I don't like going backwards. I only like going forwards. I don't think you get anything out of doing this zero. Nothing she wants to have safe sex with somebody that she trusts, a partner that she's been with. Yeah, I mean, definitely it sounds good when you put it like that, for sure. But I think you can have new safe sex with a new person that there's actually a future with and there's no need to go back and, I don't know,

just like stick around something that wasn't working and also put yourself on out on the line and potentially mess something up. I don't really I don't really care about messing anything up because I don't think there's anything really there. What's to mess up your relationship with your ex? That's by definition, it was messed up like you had another relationship and that is fine. You don't need to be in a you don't need to be in a good relationship with your ex.

I think that's he's done grata. Yeah, here's my advice. If you really want to do it, I think you should say straight up. Do you want to have sex one last time before I go back to college? Instead of like, hey, do you want to come over? And then it's like feels like you're sort of to on sight to open it. I think he'll appreciate the honesty and the openness. And if he wants to do it, he'll do it when you ask him like that.

You're not going to get him in lure him in and then switch it up. And then, I don't know, I just feel like if you really want to do it, get it out of your system, although it will be like opening up an old wound. Yeah, I think I think you really got to sit down and reflect and and wonder if you're doing this because you are past it, you feel strong and confident and good and you want to move on and you want to have sex one more time before you go back to college. Or if you are saying all those things to yourself

because you still have feelings for your boyfriend. Yeah, I don't think you want to sleep with an ex just for one last fling before school. I don't know. Yeah, I wouldn't want to do that, but my advice would be if you wanted to do that, to be open and honest like that. Rather than, no, it's not a big deal. I just want you to invite you over and then there's this weird tension

when he gets there, what do you want? What does he want? And just be prepared for the fact that he might say no. And that would be a slap in the face if you're like, hey, I just want you to come over so we can have sex. And then he says, no, thanks. But that sounds honest to me. Yeah, first step of your honesty, though,

is thinking honestly about what you actually want. She wants to have sex with him, honestly. Steph wants that old sex, that pre-quarantine orgasm. Nothing sounds better than old sex with an ex. Give me an ex to sex. What about only fans, but it's just pictures of your ex. So it's only ex fans. That's really fascinating.

You'd have like a network like Facebook. I was just, yeah, I don't really think that's a good idea. Connections. That would be, God, I mean, taking the nude photos out. It just, what a weird network it would be that you could like just. I'm thinking of it almost like ancestry.com, because I've been. Oh, yeah, how is your family tree now a week? I guess I definitely was more into it for three days

than I have been into in the last month. But I checked on it every once in a while. You know, it's a lot of clicking, but I've gotten one row of ancestors real far back, you know, I'm from Scotland. Did I tell you that? No, I didn't know that, that update. Yeah, so now you're Scottish. So you should know about Wales more than me, really.

Yeah, I actually should. A lot of big chunk of my family's from like near Dublin and near Dundee. Oh, wait, that's not Scotland. Wait, let me see where they're from. All right. Yeah, I see you just you fired up your computer and it was on only fans. So I don't know if you were kidding. Fuck me. Yeah, no, it was Dundee.

There's Oh, Kildare is that a place? Whatever. Yeah. Is my family from Kildare? Is that a place? So I guess that was in Ireland. Anyway, yeah, I'm a Scottish Irishman now. And my idea about X is like ancestry.com. I could just create a tree.

What could have been family tree where you you can, you know, befriend your exes on this platform or just log them. That's what it would be. More of a more of a diary as it were. That's sounds incredibly sad. Diary of your exes. And what could have what could have been journal just for me? No, I totally I does.

That makes a ton of sense. Sounds sad coming out of my mouth, but it's there's something fascinating about it because you would see who you shared exes with, you know, it connects us. That's all I'll say with an X, capital X connects. All right, good. Save it for innovation. Really good. Yeah, I know. All right, cool.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. Not really watching, but watching with your ears. What's that called? Listening. Yes, I already said that. OK, thanks for listening. Thanks for sending in your theme songs and questions. You can email them all to if I were you show at gmail.com.

The opening theme song was George Collings. Remember George Collings with Hamilton parody. And this is our man from last week, the one who sounded like a Southerner. I said he sounded like a Bert Williams from Alabama, but it was actually an Alex from Windsor, Ontario. So he sent another one and he leaned into the bird of it all to make this very Western sounding song for us. So let's give it up once again for Alex from Windsor.

You know what the town is? Kill Bernie. Just so everybody out there knows where where my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandma is from. Kill Bernie. I, Scott. I. OK, thank you. Let's play the song. And if you want more of us on podcasts, the Head Gum podcast on the Head Gum Network. That's right. New episode every week.

It's us. It's Jeff. It's all of our family and friends and our Patreon. Always watching old videos, answering more questions at patreon.com. Slash. J.A. J.A. That's right. You nailed it. And we'll be back next week with this podcast every Monday for the rest of time. Thank you for listening.

See you soon. Adios. There's a lot of hardworking men across the Canada, America, United States. There's some we can never leave out. There's songs, great songs about truck drivers and minors and cowboys. But there's one we always forget about. There's only one job that my hands can grip. I want to sit on my ass and give out tips to dumb teens. Who can't figure it out for themselves.

I want to wake up in the morning at one p.m. and talk for 45 minutes, post it on Thursdays. It's foolproof. I will if I were you. Thank you. Thank you. Y'all are great today.