If I Were You - 449: Geoff and Reilly Lightning Round

Episode Date: August 24, 2020

Friends and fellow Headgum Podcasters Geoffrey James and Reilly Anspaugh join us to discuss their ideal height, their ideal compliment, and their podcast Review Revue!Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. I'm shaking a mirror for advice on problems or quandaries I'll help you out without a doubt They're on your side and want to help you in It's if I were you I Knew what that song was a parody of Weezer no Jake. What's your guess? I was gonna guess it was a Weezer song as well

All right incorrect Riley Weezer That is right I Yeah It's all about confidence you can be wrong, but as long as you're just like it's Weezer It could not be Weezer, but then it is Weezer, but it is yeah, you made it Weezer. I made it Weezer I would rather I would rather be wrong with style than right like a scaredy Yeah

Actually it was a song called One AM 180 by Granddaddy. That was the parody. I've never heard that song. I don't think I haven't either I loved I loved the parody so I must love the original, but I probably like the parody more because it's about me Yeah, yeah has your name in it. So it's more exciting It's better to parody songs that people don't know because then in a way they think it's an original One second I have to finish I didn't sing songs that people don't know and then they think that their originals they give me cash and a hat So Amir, who put cash in your hat? Do they give you a hat of cash?

Sorry, we're having like two different conversations They put cash in a hat Amir, I just want to know who did that song It was by Anderson Reagan. Anderson Reagan wrote the song Awesome, that's really cool He has a band Magic, yeah Magic Ray Gun, which is kind of fun because his name is Anderson Ray Gun Yeah They released their debut EP on Jake's Birthday

So it's available for streaming wherever you get your music They have hand-painted CDs available on Bandcamp with all the proceeds going to Jeff, you're mad and all the proceeds are going to local bail funds No, I'm not mad What? What are you doing? You're spinning a yarn like you have an idea or something Don't hold your face that way You look like you're in a smoking gedrick

I am in a way, so I'm just kind of like relaxing You look like Scar from Lion King Yeah I'm not a villain You look villainous I'm chilling Anyway, thank you Anderson, thank you Magic Ray Gun, the band And yeah, proceeds go to local bail funds

Stop, Jeff What? What is it, Jeff? We invited you He's gone He's still here, he just stopped the video Yeah, he's a non-video participant slash lurker slash troll So you'll still be able to sort of weigh him and wax Wax and weigh Oh my god, it's worse to not see you and just hear you

Yeah, I just like that Wax ass pussy, have you guys heard this new song? What's that? It's Cardi B and Megan D and they're kind of waxing ass pussy So what? They're singing about ass and pussy Man This is what I feel like is gonna be the experience of Jeff when you die and you come back to haunt

This is how I feel like that's gonna go I'm just gonna hear wax ass pussy on the breeze and I'll be like, that's him Yeah, that's okay What age do you guys think I'm gonna die? Hopefully Cause you already act like a 40 year old when at age 20 So by the time you reach 60 you'll look like 112 Jeff, how old are you now? 24? 25?

Oh my god, you put on a smoking jacket Oh my god I'm almost 23, I'll be 23 at the end of November So you shouldn't appear this way Why do you have that? Are you recording? I'm not recording video We're not even recording this video, this is not a video

Alright, that's fine Cause this would be the good thumbnail for you guys to post to the Insta Alright fine, I'm recording So this is Jeff fucking rubbing his thumb and middle finger and index together In a way that, what's the opposite of tickling? It's making me nauseous to see it And you're also in a velvet smoking jacket, but you're not smoking anything My nipple is literally out right now and I'm not the worst dressed person on the gym

And that's cool Oh no, you're the worst dressed, you're the under dressed I am the overdog, that's someone who people expect to win but doesn't What is that? You didn't say anything interesting The overdog is I don't have to say things of substance If you dress in velvet, you lean back and kind of rub your fingers together People think what you're saying is interesting Did you pull that from like a costume box?

Your mic fell Yeah, your microphone fell, you're in a closet, is that where you are? You're in a closet This is my childhood bedroom Do you have like a little dress up box that you got that from? I don't Stop going back to the pose You keep returning to the uncomfortable pose

I'm standing, I mean I'm sitting on a stool so it's not comfortable no matter how I... You don't have to do it What do you have the microphone on? It's on my laptop, I would show you the setup but then the mic would fall again Wow, right It would, it would fall again And don't rub, no more rubbing of the fingers I don't have to see that

It looks like you're waiting for something I am waiting for the episode to start All we've talked about so far is a fucking parody of a song and then this jacket I don't know why this bothers you guys so much It's obviously hot You obviously wanted us to talk about the jacket You left, you turned off the video to put it on You know what, this is an absolute ambush

I don't appreciate it You're right, it is an ambush, you brought this on the three of us You ambushed us You did ambush us A one-man ambush? I don't think so That's a man-bush Stop!

I tweeted, I tweeted Asking for questions, quick hits, we can go around lightning round style Trying to answer as many as possible Just to get us started Here's a quick and easy one And Jeff, you don't have to think too hard These are supposed to be like, boom, in and out You don't have to say I'm-

Can I just, can I air a grievance? Can I air a grievance with how you tweeted it? You tweeted, we're having a guest on today or two Obviously people are going to think it's Ben and Thomas And then when our names show up on Monday It's going to be a huge letdown So you're setting us up for failure All these questions are going to be about their Netflix improv special

How was it voicing BB-8? I don't fucking care I don't fucking know what the crafty on Space Force was like, fucker So I won't read that question I'll skip that one I might be able to weigh in What were you saying before I interrupted? You said overthink the questions?

Yeah, yeah, don't do that Sam Tabachnik, who's actually verified on Twitter So treat this question with reverence Because it's actually a reporter for the Denver Post How tall are you and how tall do you wish you were? What the fuck kind of question is that? What the fuck are you talking about? This is nothing

So Riley, you're 5'4", 5'5"? I'm 5'4", and a half She's mad So what? Exactly right So what? You kind of nailed it, but like why does it matter? What kind of fucking question is this?

If you're verified, think of a better question than this nonsense Alright? You have a blue check He's a reporter So check Your facts It's just like a fun way to get into like a silly conversation Like 5'4", and a half

But I wish I was 5'6", and this is why I do wish I was 5'6", is that what you wanted to hear? That's exactly what I was gonna say Are you happy? Alright, why do you want to be an inch and a half taller? Why am I on trial for this? I'm just curious It's just...

It's what? I'm not as tall as I'd like to be I just want to be a little bit taller than I am now Not too much? Not too much? Just enough Yeah Who's next?

God damn it Is there... I'll go... I'm willing to go next But is there anything else you wanted to get off your chest? Like with like... I just knew because you're like... Riley, you're kind of heated

Yeah Do you have a headache or something? You're rubbing yourself in a lot No, I do What's this guy's name? What's this quack's name who sent in this question? Sam, but I don't...

You don't have to like do anything about it It's also... It's Sam, but it's... I don't want to interrupt too much but like... Amir's the one that asked it and he sort of got on your nerves too So if you needed to unload on...

blown away It's like... I know it's not Sam's fault Like Sam asked a bad question and that's fine like he didn't know but like Amir picked it You have so many people

who like sent in the questions And so exactly It was the way he picked it It was the way he picked it The way I picked it It was the way you picked it The way I picked it Yes

The way I chose it I honestly... I don't want to like ding up on you It was the way you picked it It's like you looked on your phone and you're like... I'll pick this one Like that's how you did it

No way Dude, I'm your friend and I'll give it to you straight You know I will never like sugarcoat things for you It was the way you... How did I pick it? How did I pick it? You guys don't even know how I picked it

You don't know how I picked it I didn't know how I picked it So it's like that's how you picked it You did let go of gas You broke wind You broke wind and you... Yeah You broke wind and you...

You passed gas You passed How tall are you? We can only imagine the stank in the office that you're sitting in right now Luckily Luke's not in there Luckily Luke's not in there for the audiences

Know how? Next question No, no, no How tall... Everyone else can answer How tall is... Jeff, are you part of the six foot club or are you a little shy, a little north?

I'm six one And I'd love to be six two Because six one Sounds bad The only thing I'm afraid of is being six one Not afraid of the boogie man What?

But I don't like my height Yeah, I have this picture of us together and you're seven inches shorter than me I'm five eleven Yeah, but that was me wearing boots that kind of boosted me a little way So you're shorter than five three?

Well, that was when we... That was when we did our show in Cleveland when Jeff was nine Oh, I see Yeah, yeah He glowed up and growed up So you're six one Is this a good time to

announce the review review if I were you co-headlining tour at Cleveland Ohio June 2021? That's right Or are we going to sit on it? Let's sit on it forever probably

That sounds like a terrible idea for a tour Ohio only? Cleveland, yeah So it's a tour that's all in Cleveland? City of bars Are you losing championships? We could really use a win, man

And you think that would... You think Cleveland would get a win if me and Amir did our podcast there with you guys? He's doing the smoky jacket velvet sort of Jake, Amir, what are you what do you want to be?

Don't give Jeff attention for this Six feet and I want to be six feet six Wow, six six That's so tall That's prohibitively tall This is why you don't want to be too tall You can't spoon comfortably if you're too tall or too short

Well, my... Six foot to six four is ideal My wife would be You guys didn't ask me what Jill's height and my ideal height for Jill would be Well, that's wasn't a question My wife would also be... Asked a question at all

Okay, because I'm six foot six but I also have an ideal height wife Jillian six foot three That's over the flat head How tall is she now? That's actually a little bit of It's a personal question, Riley And I resent the way...

She's not asking it Matt R, whoever the fuck asked it Matt didn't ask what my fucking... He didn't ask how tall my wife was That was something that Riley chose to do You brought it up It was the way you picked it No, I wasn't an Amir going

Oh, how tall is Jill? That wasn't how I said it I know how tall she is 16 minutes, right? 17 minutes into the record and we're only one question deep She's five three, right? My wife?

Yeah I'm not sure I'm not sure You're not sure She's five four Wow Jillian Yeah

How tall are you? Nobody's there Five four She said she's five four Okay How tall is Abitel? I... How tall is Danny?

Six eleven Five seven Well, Jeff doesn't have... Jeff doesn't have love in his life So I can't ask him how tall Your significant other is Because you're alone Nice

You're in a fucking closet You're alone You're wearing a smoking jacket You're by yourself And you're not fucking Anyone in the world Who gives a shit about you It's the way he picked it

Childly bedroom It's absolutely the way he picked it Childly bedroom, not a closet Yeah That's funny Amir Haidt It's funny I'm five eleven

It's funny because I can laugh at myself I'm five eleven And I wish I were six three But you know what? I would take Sharing a life with someone Over being a six foot anything Like what good is having a longer coffin

If no one's going to show up To your funeral Jesus Christ Alright, ready? Asymmetry asks Other than Mario Kart Are there any other games That you're enjoying playing?

I would love if you guys Could kind of set me up with someone Dancing Dancing at the idea Dancing at the idea That I don't have a significant other I like to play Animal Crossing But I don't like to play too much

Because I like to spend time With my wife, Jillian Daniel and I both play Zelda So it's a really fun thing For us to bond over And kind of like Track each other's progress In the game together

It's really nice Playing with someone Would be a lot of fun I've been doing VR mostly And it's you know Virtual reality is fun But nothing beats my actual reality Aw, that's the truth

There's no more fun of a game Than making a dinner with someone Even something as simple as like Making a dinner And sort of like Playfully hit each other Or action It's so important

It's everything Without companionship Life is meaningless You can't feel anything Be anything It's nothing You are nothing Stop!

That's absolutely enough From all of you Oh my god Jeffrey It was funny at first You took it too far And now we're all left With our dicks in our hands

Not me I'm sad And I'm glad That it's gone this way Because My threshold is here And you blew past it I didn't realize we were saying

What's the next fucking question? Like now there's this tension Throughout the rest of the episode And it's not my fault I totally didn't even realize We were saying anything That was like uncouth I know, Jeff

I'm so sorry It makes no sense I sort of browned out He's doing the pose again He's doing the pose He's absolutely doing the pose Jeff, have you been playing any video games? No

Zar Gorski writes What's the goat pizza topping? Can I be controversial for a spell? Yeah Caramelized onions Caramelized funyons So I'll take a bag of funyons And sort of reduce it in sugar

And put it on top of the pizza If I'm being crazy It's mushrooms and bacon What do you think about that? I agree with mushrooms I would say mushrooms and spinach Those are the good toppings for me I think the real

Mushrooms and onions The true goat I like a shot What was that? Are you Popeye? You worked yourself up to say that I saw you take a breath right before You looked like Popeye and you yelled

You looked like your face was stung by 20 bees Which sauce? There's sauce on pizza as the default That's not even a topping, man It goes sauce, then cheese, then the topping You're just describing An ingredient of pizza You're saying it's like yelling

I like the crust That's your next question I do like the crust I like the dough Alright, you know what? Jake, Riley and me We'll just kind of keep waxing pizza And Amir, you can take as much time as you need

And just kind of say that topping I think mushrooms and caramelized onion Is the best way to go Mushrooms for sure Cheese, please And don't forget the sauce Cheese And don't forget the sauce

You can say how you were planning on saying it And don't forget the sauce Again, those two are the base The canvas, the toppings Cheese and sauce No crust Like cheese, sauce Those are just taken for granted

They're there Those are established And the question is What do you add to that? What's the topping? Riley, what do you think about pineapple on pizza? Absolutely not, hard pass What about pepperoni?

Just a classic It can be good It can also be really bad I do like Italian sausage on pizza It's pretty good Yes, I love it Can you make sure it's in a circle shape? That's the best way to eat it

Sliced up Real nice You just have a fundamental disconnect With the question, I think That's the best way to eat it Did you say can you make it a circle shape? It is, that's default Circle shape

Sliced up, real nice You have to ask for it to be in a square You just describing pizza What do you like to eat on top of the pizza? What goes on top? That's a good question I never thought about that That was the question

You should have been thinking about it You should have pivot and discussed the topping of sorts Good Sprinkles? You've never had pizza You've never had pizza Yeah Would you rather win an Oscar, a Tony, a Grammy, or an Emmy?

Asks, see Fenton Okay, great question Great question I'd like to win an Oscar, but I'm probably most likely to win Let's start with Riley Let's start with Riley I want to hear this little song that Jake has started We can start with Riley and he'll come back to me

But let's edit that part out I'm embarrassed of the way it came out We'll do Jeff and then Riley If we have time, you can answer the question I'm down to only do Jeff and Riley I just want to get it I'm just saying I just want to get it clean So we can cut my thing

We'll be able to cut my thing out So let's get it perfectly clean I'll cut your thing out I will definitely cut your thing out Don't worry Okay, so we have the transition And that won't be in there So Riley, would you rather win an Oscar, an Emmy?

I guess Does that have to do with the tune of Delilah? I don't know Forever we're going to find our way Rylan's? Yeah, I guess I guess I mean, I don't fucking know

Whatever makes me most respected I guess a Tony Because then I can easily warm my way Into the Oscars and Emmy's could be like Oh, well, she's a serious performer She can do theater, right? Not all people on the silver screens Can transition over

It's harder So I kind of want to intimidate people At the Oscars I want to walk the carpet And just kind of like It's a fun question Yeah, that's kind of the response I'm trying to be like

You won your Tony for production So it's like Not really a creative role That's what you win the Tony for Nobody invited you to the Oscars Do you have a ticket? Do you even have a ticket? No, I'm part of the

You're a stagefiller You're a stagehand, ma'am Well, I'm still invited The show you worked on I was part of the production team Who won the musical I mean, I wasn't on stage But I was part of the team

Why did you bring your Tony? This is a different award show Do not bring your Tony to the Oscar It's just a small flaccid statue Flaccid? Jeffrey I'd like to go last, please Okay

I would rather win an Emmy Because it meant that I did my shit In a way that allowed my parents to watch it On network television That's right My parents can't watch a theater play in New York They can't get there right now And a Grammy?

What, you expect them to download an MP3? I don't think so And as for the Oscar My dad doesn't like me So it has nothing to do with the media, right? So you won't pay to see me act But Emmy, I can sort of trick them I'll add the episode to the DVR

And they'll be like, wow, what's this? Guess what, I directed it, bitch Oh, you directed it Maybe that's why he doesn't like you If you talk to him like that I directed it, bitch You say that to your father No, I was just saying

It would be like I actually worked really hard on this thing And I won a statue for it Okay Do you still prefer my brothers to me? Probably, because your brother What would you rather do, Jake? I was just saying your brother saves lives

So even an Oscar And you directed it, bitch It'd be funny if we all... Your other brother has a VC fund So he invests in really cool companies So I said action No matter what you do No matter how hard you hustle

You'll never ever reach their status But you directed it, bitch, I guess Yeah, like you win an Oscar But your other brother Delivers like children Emmy Emmy I win an Emmy, bitch

Jake, what about you? I already said And it's gonna get cut out But I'd like to win an Oscar But I'm most likely to win a Tony And that'll get cut out But that's how I feel Keeping that one in

Really? Sure, keeping that one in Won't even make any sense Because I talk about the other one being cut out I'm gonna make you look bad It's gonna feel very disjointed Yep Jeff?

I don't know I mean, it's like... The Emmy kind of have that TV Because people like streaming shows They like television But honestly, I think I'd like to leave them all up on the table I mean, unlike you guys for me It's not about the awards

It's about the art It's about the craft It's about making people laugh It's about telling stories No matter what the media You know, it doesn't have to be live Music, whatever it is I just want to kind of get my point across

And make people feel joy For you guys, you kind of selfishly all want to feel joy yourselves You know, which is like, I get it We all want trophies But also, like your spouses Trophy wives, trophy husbands I'm single because I don't need anyone else to be my guy So you're still on that

I'm seething through my teethings You're still teething My molars haven't come in yet Yeah So yeah, I could see a few baby teeth Oh my god Maybe that's why you're single Is because you are a little baby man

Oh, trust me, ladies and gentlemen I give the best head It is because I have no molars Keep it in set to the tune of I'm on a win a Tony Let's actually take a break now Thanks for sponsors And I want you to sit in that

And think about whether you thought that was okay to say And we'll be back I thought it would kind of be glossed over And cut out After these messages But the entire head gum network, Jake Wow That's correct

I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift I think it actually is Yeah Yeah, not just Father's Day But if for any not so tech-savvy family member That you need a gift for soon These digital photo frames Might be the best of all time

Yeah, for me personally These things are perfect I'll tell you why As you know, I am expecting My first child We got one for Jill's parents We got one for Jill's grandma Holy smokes

We got one for my parents So there are three of these bad boys In our family right now But they're great Really easy way to stay in touch with your family You can upload as many photos as you want Directly into my parents' kitchen It's really nice

Oh, that's cool So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby And then it goes to their digital photo frame This is actually how we told Jill's grandma She was pregnant We got her the aura frame We plugged it in Jill's grandma was pregnant?

Really nice, asshole This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife And you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit Like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant Yeah Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that Or the way you said it was kind of like

Could go either way Yeah, Jill's grandma is pregnant Oh my god Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant It's pretty cool And you told me with a digital photo frame Holy smokes And we let her know with an aura

Yeah Thank you The aura announcement So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere And invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app Add me to your aura app I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something That could be funny

Your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter Yeah Yeah Exactly You deserve that You can even preload photos and add a personal video message That will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame Yeah

It's a great gift A really, really iconic gift And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift And visit auraframes, that's A-U-R-A Frames.com And our listeners can use code HEADGUM To get up to $30 off Plus free shipping

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Okay, go get your parents something Alright And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off Plus free shipping Thank you, aura And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Thank you, BetterHelp

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H-E-L-P.com Slash if I were you Check them out Thanks BetterHelp This sucks And we're back Jeff and Riley Do you guys have any?

Oh, it's a lift to the fight I'm coming Gross I got one So just, yeah, reach Okay I am 22 Yabu

And so the issue there Riley, do you have any? What's that? Riley, let's go to the Riley one It's just a genuine like leather Oh my god Patent leather Which is leather that has an

A copyrighted trademark All you had to say was like Take a drive And change your scenery Oh, that's actually really good No, but I do have one I have spent And Riley and I talked about this

Briefly on a review of you A couple weeks ago I've spent my entire young adult life Not taking any fashion risks Really just like plain tees Plain jeans Plain white snees Did you just try and rhyme tees

With jeans And the plainest accessories But I am starting to branch out And I would You're wearing a velvet jacket right now In floor the listeners To take fashion risks Especially if anything

That's the lesson I've taken From this global pandemic You might not ever get to go out again So wear those Jordans Jeff is wearing makeup In the style of euphoria I know Jeff has glitter bleeding out of his eyes

The glitter was on the eyes And then the eyes are bleeding Because of the glitter Got it I like the unsolicited advice Of take a fashion risk I think that's cool I think you should wear that sweater

Wear that loud jacket Where cuff the jeans in a new way You know, like for me the longest time Wear what you wish you Like what you think you wish you could pull off Like you should just put that on Exactly But what if the worst thing happens

Somebody says Nice jacket Loser And everyone laughs at you In a way that makes you feel smaller than And you clock that Because one day They're gonna fucking push you over the edge

And you're gonna snap And you're gonna say You don't like the jacket? And then he's gonna be like You like the jacket? And that's when you stab Marty In between the third and fourth rib And you say

Got some blood on your pants And everyone will laugh at him Finally, you're the hero in the story What's Jeff's inner monologue right now? Every single time Jeff has been doing this weird pose He was thinking that exact thought Bathing in Marty's blood The inner thought I have ends with me as a hero

After making a horrible mistake Riley, do you have anything to add Slash subtract from that? Don't be afraid Oh, don't be afraid Just as long as you wear Wear those jeans The stiffest salvage ever

Don't be afraid to like I don't know, this might be crazy Don't be afraid No, it's just like I don't want you to make Riley, come on You can do it Don't be afraid to like To share a draft of a business email with a friend

And have them revise it It's like, oh, you're using too many exclamation points Or it's a little too informal Yeah, stupid Well, that's your one, do you have one in your drafts? Well, I did have one, yeah, but I didn't want to do it We don't have to do it now Read it live on business email

Read it live on mic It's your fistic nation Dear Jake, Camere and Marty Exclamation point Okay, it's over Sup, you fucks Just kidding All of this is typed

Even the um was in there too I just wanted to I just wanted to call Sorry, email, I just wanted to write and say These past couple of years I've been so cool LOL, and then like the cool parentheses Like there's the colon smiley face

Again, everything I'm saying is typed Even what I'm saying right now is all in the email You're just reading a verbatim right now I'm reading a verbatim and this is also in there She hasn't digressed at all What we're saying is it in the email draft? Yes, everything you're saying is in the email too Um, Jeff's too?

Yes, every, every, all of this is also in the email Okay Um, this, even this podcast that we're on has been so fun All I'm saying is I, where I'm working I would like to not be here anymore Be working at Hadgam anymore If that sounds good, let me know If not, that's totally fine

And then a couple emojis We can reject that We obviously don't want you here If you don't want to be here That doesn't sound good This is all in the email still Hope you're well, stay safe, wear a mask Bye

To leave a callback number, press 5 What? That's the email So it's dictated through a fucking operator or something Can I just give my, can I get my one note Yeah, please, please I thought it was all great and very clear The only thing that I would do is that first exclamation point

After Hey Jake and Meere and Marty I think it should just be a comma because like A, you know It's kind of a bummer email and then B, it's like You don't have to like apologize You don't have to like create all this space for them No, that's really very helpful This is all still in the email by the way This whole conversation is still in the email

So I will change that exclamation point Love Riley The real I like the sign off The real D Hayes On Twitter asks What movie would you see At the newly opened AMC

For 15 cents What movie? How can we know it won't be out? Ew Meere's making a very He looks like one of those carnival I've never seen you do that before and I hate it so much Jeff, that is exactly what he looks like

Oh my god It's one of those roller coasters that you enter through the clown's mouth Why? You don't look like Oh Beetlejuice style Just totally opens his jaw Would you guys see a movie right now

In a theater for 15 cents? No, not now I barely went to the movies before That's not an experience I need Somebody clip that out and hold it against Jake The next time he says that he went to the movies I went to a drive-in movie A couple weeks ago for the first time and that was super fun

I would do that again So how does the audio get in your car? Radio Oh so you tune to a dial Everyone goes to the same channel Fuck, okay That makes sense because I did that too But I think I was in the wrong channel

You were just playing the top 50 So I was Yeah, I was on KISS FM It doesn't quite line up Because I was watching this documentary You were masturbating in your car Listening to KISS FM Watching Cars 2

And it wasn't a drive-in It was a McDonald's It was a drive-through You're not allowed to do that Because I thought there was a character I thought the weirdest choice was the character in the background Saying are you sure you don't want anything sir Can you at least move forward

You parked your car in the drive-through You got into the back of your car You're listening To call me maybe on your On the radio Watching a porn video With Cars 2 on an iPad Masturbating in the back seat

Of your car on La Brea And that's not acceptable Riley, sing Friday by Rebecca Black It's Friday Friday That's enough That's absolutely enough Fucking terrible

Oh my god She didn't know you were going to do that She wouldn't have sung With anything I ever do On any podcast The headcam podcast is me fucking tearing hair out To get something usable And this week there was nothing

I was on it this week It's coming out next week Because Ferris and I couldn't get it out today Wow That's on you No You're the host man I know

Alright, 182 At Frickjens writes If you got sent back in time 200 years What would be the first modern thing You would try to invent or create Easy HDTV baby A 65 inch plasma

And yeah, guess what So I'm basically able to I'm the only one in the village who can Netflix And chill So it's 1820 What are you talking about That you can just make a plasma TV You don't know how

There's no programs being made These cameras don't exist Satellite doesn't exist Cable doesn't exist So just having screens A curved TV To play what So maybe I'll do the radio

Then Again, you can't So I'm looking at What happened in science in 1820 And it looks like English inventor Thomas Hancock patents the production Of fastenings using rubberized fabrics And invents the pickling

Machines So I could do maybe a Hulu On like We're talking about like Inventions of that era are like You know Like hinges and fasteners To make like pickling jars tighter

Light bulb, obviously light bulb Because that's simple, it's one invention that helps everybody Done, I'm a fucking genius French press That's really good Printing press Nice How about a printing French press

So it's like you're able to print books about Coffee, a dime a dozen And then you open up a Starbucks in town square Riley, can you like cut them down to size? You want the What? Can you just cut them down to size? It's a bad idea I don't know, what do you want me to say?

Bullion Bullion because it's the funniest to me to like see you Bullion here is all I don't want to do that I'm really nervous on this show I know So I'm trying to like fabricate bits in a non-organic way I know you're like

Just relax a little And let the The episode is almost over You're back in the position Got it Your fingers are very dry by the way I can hear the coarse rubbing from here Sounds like broken glass

Just flakes of skin Floating off into your closet I'm inhaling them TheDude27 asks I have a hard time waking up early Do you have any tips to start getting up earlier?

Jeff, you're sort of an expert in getting up early Really? You constantly rid me publicly about how I'm awake at like 3 a.m. eastern time Jeff's the only person I know who has jet lag between Ohio and California two months after he

went to Cleveland You know what it is I got on Cleveland time within the first two weeks It worked, it was great Sorry, one second Two weeks to get on Cleveland time It's fucking hard

I'm a night owl, man It's hard to like force yourself to fall asleep because you can't fall asleep if you're not tired but you can stay awake if you're exhausted And so I got on Cleveland time for about a month and then there was like some family stuff that happened and

I had to edit review review to get it out and like it was taking longer or we had meetings on Monday or something and so it's like 1 a.m. and I'm just finishing the edit and so then I had to also edit the ads and put them up and I didn't get to sleep till 2.30 2.30 turns into 4.30 It was seven weeks ago

I need a long time late at night because it feels like I'm in a cocoon Jake? Oh my god That was the most honest thing you've ever said I honestly didn't know you felt like that You need cocoon time?

I need my alone time to recharge for my social capital to be replenished for the following day We're all performers We all have to be in meetings We all have to be on Zoom calls We all have to be on podcasts We all have to do live streams

We all have to be on the friggin' email chains If you need to wake up early just deprive yourself of sleep for like a day Riley I want to go to bed You take everything out of me

every time we talk You make me I have to like absorb everything and that saps Every 10 minutes with you is a minus hour of sleep Jesus Christ It is an hour off my life

I will die 10 years or I should because of the amount of time I've spent taking in what he does You didn't have any gray hair before Jeff started working at Head Gum There's a correlation there

I didn't have any gray hair before he started working at Head Gum Fuck You're aging me If you want to wake up early go to bed earlier or have something exciting to look forward to

It'll be going to bed with butterflies in your stomach Jesus, I'm so tired now That's cool Sorry, I didn't know that you guys felt that way about me I did but I didn't know that it would be this exhausting

For me Jake, do you have a final question for us? Yeah, I do Let's end it on a positive note Let's see who this purse what this name is Okay Hold on

One second One second At Juicy Poon Right What's your favorite compliment that you ever received? Sorry, and that's by who? Who wrote that?

Jeff's mic fell again Jeff's mic My god, again There has to be a better thing for you to keep the mic on Stop doing the pose Your hair looks ten times more disheveled

I don't know why you guys are always mad at everything I do, this is fine Juicy Poon asks the best compliment you ever received Juicy Poon wants to know what was the best compliment you guys have ever received Mine's probably a tie

between two things One time this fucking fly-ass stripper told me that I was looking like I had a thick-ass bedong I don't think so She was a

She was like a Hooters waitress or something, but she said I had like a really I was 18 at that So it's already changed from a stripper to a Hooters waitress now it's gonna change again I guarantee And she was so fucking I never stopped feeling light from that

That's her occupation This never This never happened The second one is probably making my new niece laugh That's not a compliment

That's just something that happened It only happened once It only happened once You're a comedian, you made your niece laugh one time and then when you were 18 a Hooters waitress slash stripper said you had a big ass and that made you

feel light for another 18 years 20 years More cheese, please Back to the pizza, got it Riley's cryly And that's the best compliment of all

I'm crying Holy shit So a stripper touched my elbow and also I made a nephew smile So it wasn't a niece and I don't think it was a stripper I think it was a receptionist and she said your meeting is in this conference room

and you didn't have until gymnastics to think that it was a Hooters waitress complimenting Your ass stripper turned into a Hooters waitress You're a misogynist I'm a misogynist Oh my god I'm a pro man

but I'll also sort of take that knot out of your back if necessary You guys remember during the day because it's a Japanese class that I zoom into online or the Asian equivalent Do you guys remember your favorite compliments? Don't ask like that

Drawing a mustache on where there already is one Got it It's a sharpie Starts doing the Japanese pinpoint tattoo ink thing where you hit a hammer needle with ink Face tattoo

of a curly mustache Do you guys remember the compliments that jump out? Someone once told me that I was too hot to be this smart and I was like

that's really cool and that person was fucking Jeffrey James and I think that's That's so nice That's the thing that you said to me and I hold on to that That's really kind It was a little out of line

at the time because it wasn't work that Jeff would say that and it was early on in his tenure and I felt like it was out of his It wasn't his place to say something like that Yeah, Jeff's tenure He didn't need to say anything It was inappropriate

I want you to think I said it if it's really helping you but I never said it I actually resent that he said it when he did It aged well I don't think so I don't say shit like that to me but as I've

grown older I've sat with it and I think that it's nice It's a good compliment Okay, so two things that never happen I think what I honestly will hold with me forever is my therapist was just like

you're done, you did it So Yeah And that was after your first session Now I help her Right But it's in her best interest to not tell you that you're good

because then you'll stop coming and stop paying her It says a lot about your progress It says a lot that she's just like you have nothing more to work on Yeah, Jake, Amir Take notice, oldies Younger generation is more in tune with their emotions Jeff, what about you?

I guess my favorite compliment was that people would often DM me and say you're part of the younger generation who's more in tune with their emotions and I'm like thanks for noticing that I'm kind of emotionally intelligent I'm also spatially intelligent, that's just kind of a self compliment You're not spatially intelligent No, because I'll know that this is the door right here

You're in closet You'll know that that's the door No, I didn't knock your mic Oh my gosh I'm just aware of my surroundings is usually the compliment that people often DM me as well I think the reason you stop recording a lot is because your microphone also spills on the ground

Just sit Just sit Just sit You don't have to You don't have to be stung You don't have to fall You don't have to move that much You're recording a podcast

You shouldn't have to move all the time He's still in the jacket You're skittish You're skittish Oh my god All right Well, that's our time Let's stop here before Jeff seriously intrus himself

Jeff Riley, what do you have to promote? Just a little thing called our show It's actually called review review Never do that voice again Just a little thing called our show review review

No one's gonna listen to it Jeff, why don't you talk about it No one's gonna listen to it now I totally talk about this show It's this little podcast We blend conversation

I'll pitch it because obviously no one will want to hear that You're pitching a podcast where people will listen to you in the worst voice I've ever heard It's a very funny improv comedy podcast Jake and I were on the last episode

You guys dissect and improvise around reviews so you can find them on Yelp or Google review and they'll sort of set the stage for a fun Or TripAdvisor or Amazon It doesn't matter where they come from It's so grating

Yeah, we blend conversation and improv comedy based off the most absurd reviews on the internet and it's basically Riley, would you say that it's like a reconciling of differences

of differences in the best comedy content in the world so you have Robin Williams' stand up mixed with all the way up to if I were you Now you're overselling it I think that's what it probably is Once you listen to this

we really appreciate being on this network and all the help you guys have given us so you might not need to listen to anything else Especially this one It is either or

You can listen to both That's absurd You can listen to both and you can enjoy both It's fun If you ever want more of us or more of Jeff and Riley check it out review review

Please We appreciate it We have to talk about that We can't have you do that Have you been plugging your show on other shows? A little bit Yeah, I'm afraid I'm not there to stop you from doing that

I learned this voice in a public speaking class No way Fire the teacher Thank you for your questions If you want us to answer your questions in future episodes or if you have a theme song, send them to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com

The opening theme song was written by Anderson Reagan Remember that? The Granddaddy's A.M. 180 And this closing one is a beautiful theme song to the tune of She Lays Down by the 1975 He has nothing to shout out But if you could say the words Bruno is a Chad

It would be greatly appreciated So thank you Nick And thank you to Jeff and Riley for stopping by Thanks guys As always, see you soon everybody With J.K.H And

M.E.B They might put you on blast If you're an us, guess you'll just have to wait and see So If you need a friend Or your life's about to end Tell these guys and they'll

give you their advice They will tell you what they do IfIWereYou That was a headgum podcast