If I Were You - 45: Cruisin' USA

Episode Date: September 9, 2024

In this episode we discuss boat travel, plane travel, and where we were the night of March 3, 2012.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations they swear. Now let me teach you to emphatic ho. Sadness. New York City sold out, motherfuckers. Yeah, they said we couldn't do it. They said we would never sell out Little Field because it's a big venue. It's very big. Not the biggest we've ever done,

but it's not as little as the field would suggest. But the tickets are- Well, they're holding 70 tickets. They are holding 70 for late 70s, for guest lists, for day ups, so people will need to show up on the day at a door. But that is, as far as I'm concerned, that is a marquee sellout.

That is our name in lights with the S-O-L-D-O-U-T right underneath over or next to. S-O-L-D-O-U-T. You can't make it hot to go. Yes. I can't do the date. I can't do that date. I think it was what?

September 26th or 27th or something. I'm- No. Is it the 28th? Cause I'm gone. I am out of town, out of pocket, out of commission. I'm not gonna be around in September. This is my notice.

Consider this podcast my best and final, okay? It is fate accompli and I will be a persona non grata. I won't just be the mystery guest, I'll be the mystery goner. Mystery goner, that's me. As in see ya later. But I feel like you could do that show solo dolo at the end of the day. You don't really need me.

I don't know what I would say or who I would talk to. Yeah. Right, but maybe you do crowd work or hell I don't care, I'm not even there. So why am I giving you a shit? Well then you won't be getting any of the money from the sales. Yes I will, yes I will. No you won't.

Because they bought the tickets to see me based on my promotion. Yes, I moved the units, so I'm gonna get a piece. You were agents? In kind. Are agents get a commission or are they at the show? No, I don't think so. No.

They just help set everything up, they help move the tickets which is what I did. So I will be getting a fat percentage of the sales. What about Philadelphia the day before? Yeah, I get a piece of that too. And in Philly, I'm going to get a piece of the merch and I might even get some of the some of the the refreshments. Yeah. the refreshments. Yeah.

I might do like a separate side piece slash deal where I'm like selling diet coke with my face on it. Side piece slash side of fries deal. I get $1 from every soda sold that day. Keep the ticket sales. I want a slice of the pie. Every time you sell a meat pie, I want half the revenue in kind, in turn.

My revenue stream is a soda stream. How do you like that? Pop some bubbles for me. Every time somebody, yeah, every time somebody turns a water into a soda using a Jake Hurwitz branded soda stream, which I will set up to the side of the bar, I want $9.

10 to the venue, nine to me, that's a $19 purchase. That's pretty good. Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching. And if nobody should use it, I do actually need the ticket sales. So there has to be a minimum guarantee as well. Because I don't see a world where the 19 dollars is so that it works.

Then I'm declaring bankruptcy. I am filing for bankruptcy. I am not solvent. I am way too in the red. I am in the crimson. I am crimson. Crimson, excuse me. Excuse me.

I'm nervous about my finances. I'm operating at more than a loss. Because I'm bleeding dry. That's what I'm trying to say. Okay. I need a bailout. I need big government to step in. That's my safety net.

Yeah. And I am too big to rig and way too large to fail. I have mortgage bundles offered subprime. These are F rated loans. Nobody's paying me back anytime soon. Yeah. They don't have jobs. They don't have an income. It's a ninja. I'm in the pocket of Fannie Mae. I am in the ass of Freddie Mac. And there's no bidet in sight. I'm up Schitt's Creek and I can see he needs more than a colonoscopy. It's disgusting up here. I'm a fissure in the ass of Mack. How is that fucking fair? I need an enema from Uncle Sam to get flushed out of this shithole.

Anyway, we do need to sell a lot more tickets in Philadelphia. I need an enema from Uncle Sam to get flushed out of this shite hole. Anyway, we do need to sell a lot more tickets in Philadelphia. Philadelphia's, it's, well, you know, it's open, there's open seating, so you buy a seat, you buy a ticket there, they will fold out a chair for you at this point, which is kind of nice. That's really nice. To anybody that's commuting from really New Jersey

all the way to Pittsburgh, the Philadelphia is now your only shot. I don't know what else to tell you. Yeah, it's Philly or bust, folks. This is segments, I should say, an advice podcast. That's right, we're bringing it back, rebranding the entire thing right before the live shows. Which you can get tickets to where

I think the URL is still there. I wanna say. It's in the show notes, we said that. I really hope headgum.com slash live is now set up. Yeah, that'd be tight. It took us a while. Yes, it is, Marika did her job. Gorgeous. Great job, Marika.

Right, on, thank you, Marika. So headgum.com slash live, finally a place to buy those tickets. Maybe that'll help Philadelphia sales because before there was just like, you got to Google. Yeah. It's not going to happen. And we had sold three tickets in Philadelphia, I think.

So yeah, two comps. And then we sold one ticket. Yeah. One ticket. And the comps were again to athletes who didn't know about us. Right. They won't be showing up. They're just on our list, but that's not going to be anything. Just being on our list.

I was also going to add someone to the show line, the description, that won't be showing up. A Joel Embiid, a Shane Victorino type, who can move units and then at the last minute is a no-show, which is fine, quasi-legal, but nobody's gonna sue. Or yeah, we could even show an Embiid highlight or something, or have a picture of him. I'd be like, he's here. What a funny way to troll everybody.

Yeah. That way the audience starts off angry, upset, and feeling kind of misled to the point that the show's gonna begin on a very, very, very sour note. Speaking of feeling misled and sour notes, you have COVID, let's talk about it. Well, it's the ending to an epic eight day cruise adventure I had to Alaska. Well, it's the ending to an epic eight day cruise adventure

I had to Alaska. Okay, so I spent the last week in Alaska and all I got was this damn virus. No, that's actually not true. I also got this medallion. And you don't know what the medallion is because you weren't on the Princess Ruby and you can't afford to be on the Princess Ruby because you weren't on the cruise

because you can't have the assets to join the medallion club. And this was an access granting medallion and it does have a clip. That's right, you can put it on your belt. It's like a fob to get into your room and to pay for food. It's like a fob to get, yes. Exactly right.

So I can't afford the FOM. What is FOM? Yeah, I actually don't know what a FOM is. So that this is all news to me. I thought it was a pretty unique, cool system that I was grandfathered into. You just tried to use that at a BP gas station and it was denied.

They didn't know who I was. They didn't care. They didn't see the medallion. So the medallion, all right, yeah. Talk to me about this from the beginning. Cause I feel like even going, even going away with- All aboard.

Going away with Avital's family in general out of character for you, let alone a cruise. Everyone's felt fine. Let alone to Alaska. Until I was patient zero on the starboard bow. How many times over did you ruin the cruise? Because it seems like you ruined it during,

and now you've subsequently ruined it after. You've retroactively ruined it because now everyone is going to leave without memories except for that you were mean to them or that you were bad. And then the only lasting thing is long COVID because you've given it to them as a kind of like something to remember you by some, some like weird call.

I have a medallion and cog fog. Yeah. So I have the fob and I have the fog. What happened? I can get into the room. Tell me from the beginning. But I can't remember my birthday. Don't think about the fob anymore.

What? Just tell me everything post-FOB. I don't fucking remember. The whole cruise was a blur. Yeah, yeah. It was a wet, wet blur. Actually, the cruise itself is great. And funnily enough, I've only been on one cruise in my life with my family in 1999 to Alaska.

Was it the Princess Ruby? Was it the exact same cruise? No, my mom sent me some pictures and it turns out it was like galaxy cruise lines or something, a different cruise. This was the Princess Ruby. Right, it looked like a small boat. It wasn't like one of those carnival cruises.

Am I right in thinking that? You are wrong, it is enormous. It is like a carnival cruise. There was 3000 people on board, about a thousand of them working on the boat. Gotcha. All right. Pros and cons. Yeah, go ahead. Pros. You're on a floating hotel. You go to sleep, you wake up, you're in Juneau. That's cool. You're at your room, you open the blinds into the balcony, and you just see the vast expanse of the Pacific Ocean. Whoa, there's a whale from my balcony. A day later, same balcony, you're seeing Skagway, a small 20,000 merchant town that we docked at

this morning. So you're moving, but it doesn't feel like you're moving at all. Yeah. So in that capacity, cruises are great because you are doing exactly that, you're cruising. Right, that's nice. That's nice. You're spending a lot of time on the commute. The con to that.

Yeah, go ahead. Is the fact that it constantly feels like you're moving. So there's a wobbly, there's a to and fro, there's a vibration to the fucking engine which makes your bed shake. The fact that the hotel is sideways in a drifted sea is really nice visually, but actually incredibly uncomfortable sometimes when the waters get choppy and you're feeling a little nauseous to boot. It sounds like the cons far outweigh the pro. Because the pro is that you woke up in Skagway.

Another pro. And the con is that you're sick all the time. The food is prepaid for all you can eat buffet style. You wake up, everything you want lay before you. Don't want to go? Sure. Room service. Current charge?

0.00. I want fries and an omelet and a milkshake and a frozen yogurt and waffles and sushi. Sure, coming right up. It's all paid for. Just swipe your medallion when I get there. And the con? I'm too seasick to eat any of it. I have food poisoning because they have to make enough food for 3,000 people for a week. There's no quality control. The French toast is buns that were fucking dipped in eggs and fried. It tastes fine, but it's not great, but it's all you can eat.

Nothing French about it. Until you eat too much of it. I have no portion control. I cannot is chew to chew. You know what I mean? Yeah I do. I'm shoveling, shoveling, every day I'm shoveling, shoveling. So I feel sick to my stomach. Right. Your ill. The hotel again has the wobble. Yeah. It has the vibration. Okay. Uh oh, we're in Juneau. Did you know that's the only capital in America that you can't get to via car? Is that true?

That's because it's very far. Right. Okay, cool. It's a remote, non-landlocked peninsula. So the only way to get there is via air and sea. How could you get to Hawaii? You could drive from a different city on the island to Honolulu. Yeah, right.

Yeah. You can't get to Juno. You feel like I got you on a techie. I was there. I was there. I went to the Dalt Museum and I went to McDonald's and the Big Mac did cost $18 because everything has to be shipped. It's like Iceland.

Everything's five times as expensive. Not so much for me because I got the medallion. I do have the ding. You are now free to eat about this country. Get rid of the country. There's no reason to hold on to it. The negative side to that is the fact that Alaska is constantly cold, rainy, and wet,

which some people like. I happen to not. So I'm constantly having to use a rain jacket, rain boots, getting wet, getting cold. A lot of boats moving in and out, a lot of nausea, a lot of bad weather. It's not like a Florida cruise line where you could just chill by the pool. Right. What do you, when you're not in the room, where are you chilling?

Another bro. The entire ecosystem is designed to keep you entertained 24-7. There's a schedule every day. 3 p.m. you want to play Pictionary here. Do you want to go to the casino and gamble? Do you want to fucking go do line dancing? Do you want to go to the gym? Do you want to go to a different restaurant?

Do you want to kayak? Do you want to do a basketball mini golf? It's just everything all in one, all on the boat. And the con to that? You're seasick the entire time? Do you wanna do a basketball mini golf? It's just everything all in one, all on the boat. And the con to that? You're seasick the entire time? You're surrounded by strangers you don't necessarily wanna hang out with.

Right, but you have to play Pictionary with them. These are all elderly folks from across the country. You're going and you're playing with those guys. You're playing Pictionary with them. Yeah. And you're in a poker tournament with them. Right. By the way, did win the poker tournament,

thank you for asking. Nice, how much cash? 10 person sit and go, $60 buy-in, $250 to first place, flopped a set, hit pocket tens, he went all in, pushed me with ace king high, no good, no good sir, I do call and I will take that cash. He's Avital's dad, right? No good sir, I do call and I will take that cash. He's Avital's dad, right?

Yes, it was an inner Ash family poker tournament and I took everyone's cash. So yeah, the entire weekend was pros and cons, highs and lows. More highs than lows, you get to see whales, you get to see seals, you get to see fish, you get to visit parts of the country you had never been to before.

So it's exciting in that regard. Would you do it again? Well, the ultimate con is the fact that you probably will get sick because when you go to a wedding, you might get sick. So imagine a wedding for every meal for a week. If you go down on a flight, you might get sick, but imagine 3,000 people taking a flight

and then eating every meal together for 20 meals in a row. So a lot of the people during the cruise or potentially after the cruise, it seems like odds are you'll catch something or other. Right. So I came home and I didn't feel very well. I tested and I had COVID yesterday. So I took the Pax Lovid,

which made me feel temporarily worse, but ultimately better for the wear. Will I get a rebound case? TBD. And that will be the ultimate deciding factor. So right now we're in the low, the post-cruise malaise, but during the cruise, very fun. And I'm like, maybe I can become like a cruise kind of guy

because there's different kinds of cruise. Big boats, small boats, Italy, Australia, Africa, Alaska, Hawaii, these boats can go anywhere. Yeah, but now you're not necessarily a boat guy. Now I'm at a low, it's like, you know, after you drink a lot, you're like, I never wanna drink again. Right, so when you were, after you won poker,

you're like, cruises are my thing. This is great. Yes, I when you were, after you won poker, you're like cruises are my thing. This is great. Yeah. Yes, I'm winning cash, I'm having fun, I'm hanging out with the family, making some new friends, seeing parts of Alaska that I haven't seen in 25 years. Yeah.

I'm like, oh, I wonder where else cruises go, I wonder what else you can do. But right now I'm like, okay, let me take a cruise break, see how I feel, and then reassess the cruise lifestyle going forward. Okay, so 10 out of 10, or out of 10, what do you rank a cruise? It's a fun alternative to a normal vacation.

Like you can go somewhere and stay in a hotel, make your own dinner reservations and do it that way, but if you've done that a lot, you're like, oh, I've never seen Greece. Maybe a cruise is a fun way to do that. I've never been to Madagascar. Maybe a cruise is a fun way to do that. So I'll give it a 7.5 out of 10.

There was a lot of pros, a lot of joys to be had. But ultimately, they don't feel very good. Right. I went on a cruise when I was 10 as a giant family reunion, I think there was like 50 or 100 of us I don't really remember now but they're like, all of my cousins and second cousins and like even family friends and stuff. We all went on a cruise to Bermuda. And that's fun. When I was 10, it was like, I love it. Yeah, it was like this is just water slides. We should be going on a cruise. Whatever you want. Right. It's like pizza for lunch, water slides all day. We're playing bingo. There's like a kid's disco at night. I'm dancing. I'm like, it's a bar mitzvah during the night and a barbecue during the day. When I was a kid, I just loved hotel rooms. So like having my own little cabin that I shared with,

I don't know who I shared it with, maybe my sister, maybe my parents, but I was like, this is incredible. I have a tiny little bed in a tiny room and it's all mine. Yeah, and I don't get seasick because I'm 10. Yeah. Because I just- I'm invincible. Right.

I can eat French fries and cheeseburgers all day. I can have a cold and it doesn't really feel any different. Cause I'm constantly sick, cause I'm 10. And you haven't been on one since then. No, that was the last time. Now they don't appeal to me at all. But even if they did, they appeal so little to Jill that it just not real.

I love a boat. If I'm on vacation, I like to rent a boat for a day and go out and sail around and stuff. But yeah. And there's like excursions within the crew. Like one day you're at sea, the next day you're in fucking Ketchikan for an entire day and you can do a zip line.

You could do a whale watching. You could do this, that and the other. So there's activities off the boat as well. Right on, right on. I'm sure you could do, a whale watching you could do, this, that, and the other. So there's activities off the boat as well. Right on, right on. I'm sure you could do a surf-ig one. You can find a themed cruise for anything. Yeah, I bet, I absolutely bet. I like an adventure vacation that's a little bit prescribed,

but then I like also a resort one where you don't have to do anything. Ideally, I could very much do all- go on vacation eight to 10 weeks a year. You're describing semi-retirement. Yes, yes, that would be epic. You could probably do that now, but it's a little harder with a one to two-year-old. Right, well, arguably I should do it now

because soon Gemma will be in school and then she'll- And then it'll be really hard. Right, then it would be like kind of negligent to make her go on vacation with me. Right now it's just, technically we're allowed to do it, it just isn't as relaxing. Yeah, because you have to make sure the little one, one of Avital's brothers has a three-year-old,

so it's like, you know, if you're on board with a three-year-old, you gotta make sure the three-year-old's constantly entertained. You gotta make sure the three-year-old has a jungle gym to get the energy out and is napping and is eating well. So it becomes more about the three-year-old for you. Right, yeah, yeah. If we went on a cruise now, it would be all about like,

blacking out the cabin windows, making the room as soundproof as possible, managing Gemma's nap schedule. And I don't know. Although I've heard a bunch about like dads that are like, what's it called? Like deadbeat. So like, oh, when I was three,

my dad couldn't handle it and just like went off on his own or something like that. So like, you could always do that where it's like, I'm outie 5,000 for now, but maybe there's a world when I come back in three years and I'm like, oh, when's Gemma's birthday? I got her a soccer ball. And Jill's like, she doesn't really like soccer.

And you're like, what? Since when? Wait, and she's like super successful and I come back into her life and I'm like, I'm so proud of you. Can I be your manager? I've been, I wrote you a letter every day for a year. And then I like, but your mom didn't give it to you.

I think your mom iced me out. Look at all these letters. Yes, they're, they all look suspiciously like AI, but the dates, look at all of the dates. And they are all printed onto two sheets of paper over and over so you can't really tell what they say. It just looks like a lot of jumbled characters all in one really densely packed sheet of paper.

Can I have 10% of your net worth, daughter? Moving forward. He's only nine at this point so it's not that much money. Right. Okay, that was the cruise breakdown. Pros and cons. I'll let people make their own decision for themselves.

I'm out. I can't convince you. Although, if you're looking to board the Princess Ruby, I was able to get a timeshare. So let me know, email me, and I think I can Airbnb my cabin to you at cost slash profit. The only con is my great uncle died of COVID in the room. Yes. And he's sort of wedged in there for now,

but it's a two bedroom. You know like those bodies frozen on Mount Everest. He's just kind of gonna be there. But feel better, and I know you will. Yeah. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. I love you, Helix. I really do. So Jake, you took the sleep quiz and they sent you a perfect mattress for your body?

More or less, yes. That's exactly how it works. So you know that the perfect mattress is just two minutes away after taking that very easy, very quick. Some people can do it in two minutes. Helix. If you are a laissez faire, lackadaisical, and if you don't give a shit, and if you didn't study, then yeah, two minutes is really all it does take, but you can give a lot more.

That's all I'll say. Okay. That's all I'll say. Okay. That's all I'll say. Anyway, you take the sleep quiz and then that personalized mattress is shipped right to your door. Is I've actually had enough of you belittling me in this ad and elsewhere in our daily life. You're constantly needling me. You're constantly trying to make me feel lesser than.

You love that shit. You want to stand on the shoulders of giants and call yourself big, but I see who you are. You're a small man. You're an angry little loser piece of shit. I was gonna say, yeah, the mattress is shipped straight to your door. Yes, it is.

Comes right to your door. Which is pretty neat. And it's not just Jake that loves the mattress. Pretty neat. It's actually dope. If you don't take our word for it, just trust GQ and wire who also called Helix the number one mattress. Exactly.

And if you want an extra incentive, Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders. That's a lot. And two free pillows. What? For our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash segments. That's helixsleep.com slash segments.

This is their best offer yet and it won't last long. Right. Check them out with Helix Better Sleep starts now. Thank you, Helix. This episode of segments is sponsored by BetterHelp. Yes, it is. I don't know if you're stressed out or feeling anxious, depressed and confused about life at all Jake,

but some people are. Yeah, and if you are, there is actually something out there that can help. It's talking. To a professionally licensed therapist, we're talking about therapy, folks. Right on, right on. And who's better at therapy than BetterHelp? I mean, who? I don't know.

I mean, not you. So that's for sure. No, I suck. I find BetterHelp to be the best way to find a professionally licensed and affordable therapist. So if you're thinking of starting therapy, BetterHelp is the best and easiest way to try because it's entirely online. Exactly. So it's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule.

You just fill out a brief questionnaire, you get matched with a licensed therapist. And yeah, if you're not vibing with that person, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Beautiful. I've been to therapy, I found it incredibly helpful, but it is hard to find a good one.

So BetterHelp makes it easy to find one and easy to go. You can never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. And if you visit betterhelp.com slash segments today, you'll get 10% off your first month. Whoa, I love that. BetterHelp makes it incredibly affordable. And if you go to betterhelphelp.com slash segments, they're even offering our listeners 10% off that price.

Yes, that's solid savings on helping yourself. So get your mind right. You know, talking to somebody is incredibly helpful and the best way to do that, again, is betterhelphelp.com slash segments. Okay. Thanks, BetterHelp. ["Funny"]

All right, we're back. Yo, yo, yo. Starting to fade pretty badly. For sure, for sure, for sure, for sure. This kind of a light one intellectually. Yeah. The fog is setting in. I don't fully remember who you are at this point.

I know we're having some sort of meeting or like a Zoom fatigue. You're scanning your fob on me. Just trying to get in my room. I just need French toast because I got the fish and chips in Stewart. I feel like they should have these for full cities. Like imagine if I just walked into a Starbucks,

they already know who I am and what I want. I'm not ordering, because I have this, and they scan it as soon as I walk in. Yeah. I don't know, something to think about. It sounds sort of dystopian, but nice at the same time. It does sound nice, but at the end of the day, what's gonna happen is what's already happening,

where every single menu now kind of makes the grain bowl and it's all the same mushy chicken, farro, leafy lettuce. But I don't have to order it. It costs $24. They see me driving there because of the fob on the highway. So you can get that with a Mediterranean twist,

with a Mexican twist, with just like clasp it just for me. And, with just like, a clapper, just salt and pepper, and just like, every single store. And the fab will have my preferences. Just salad, chipotle, dig, sweet green, they are all the same. I think all of the salads and all of the bowls are being made in a warehouse

and they're just distributing them to the different places. And that is the future of food. Well, walk in, you'll have your mush bowl. So it won't be that fun. Okay, here's my game notes. There's some light detective work. So hopefully your brain fog is all right. I need you to think of a date.

Any date in the world. This is not the hard part yet. Any date. March 3rd. March 3rd, okay great. March 3. Give me a year between 1998. No, no, no. It's got to be post 2000. Post 2009 2012. March 3 2012. 2000. Yeah, 2009. Wait, 2012. Alright, 2012. March 2000. You have COVID too. We should say for sure, yeah, you're so sick that I got it from the Zoom. All right, March 3rd, 2012.

Now the game, since you've given the date, we have to figure out where we were. Okay, March 3rd, 2012. Yeah. Living in New York, I mean, that's gotta be our best bet unless we were visiting someplace together. Yeah. Living in New York, I mean, that's gotta be our best bet unless we were visiting someplace together. Yeah. And you know the answer to this?

No, I just, you just told it to me. I'm with you. We're gonna try to zero in on our exact whereabouts on March 3rd, 2012. Okay, well, I can't remember when the live shows were, but there's a chance we were, you know, in the Midwest or something like that. I don't want to say there's no chance. Put me in March 3rd, 2012.

I was 29. I actually might have been living in Los Angeles. You're in LA, I'm in New York. I think so. Because didn't I move back the summer of 2012? I think I did. Okay, so there's a chance you're visiting New York or I'm visiting LA and we're shooting something there. We will never find out the answer. Sure we will.

How could we possibly know? Well, I'm gonna do some detective work. I'm gonna search emails from March 3rd, 2012. Dearest mother, I hope this email finds you well. I'm writing to you from Denver, Colorado, where tonight we will be doing a live show. All right, I can actually sort this by within one day of March 3rd, 2012, okay?

Yeah, yeah. Do you not like this game? I have to. A lot of smut. Jesus Christ, so I think I was jerking off. Password reset, password reset, password reset. Shit, shit, shit, how am I? Locked out of my Pornhub premium account.

Insane. No, do not call my house. Locked out of my Pornhub premium account, insane. No, do not call that phone number, please. Oh yeah, here's a G chat of me on customer support. Okay, actually here we are, March 3rd. Interesting, it was a Saturday. Wow, come on, that is interesting. And then, so the chances of us traveling are higher. Yeah, it was March 3rd, 2012.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Now we're talking. Okay. I have an email. We're getting closer. Yeah. Um, this is funny. It's an email from you, from you to Sam Reich.

On March 3rd, 2012, Yo Sam, we're getting a lot of negative feedback about the one a week thing on jkandamere.com, parentheses as expected. We were hoping to be able to give our fans a reason so they don't all think we're lazy and stupid like they've been calling us. We wrote a post that we'd like to put up on our site,

but we didn't wanna piss off. Paul, do you think this is kosher? So we were asked to go from two videos a week to one? Yeah, so this is actually- As a money saving thing. This is around a very pivotal time in our lives, because when we went, we went from two videos to one as a way for them to slash our salary in half.

And... Help me hurt you. Yeah, they're like, all right, so I guess the videos were like they had made up enough, like video traffic with other videos. And they're like, you guys are gonna just do one a week now. And we're like, oh, okay. And they're like, as such,

since you were doing one video instead of two, your salary is halved. And we're like, is our salary so directly tied to our video output? Because we also like, we were writing originals. We were like contributing in other ways. Doing other things. And also, even one video a week was making

some amount of income for CollegeHumor that it shouldn't just completely be halved. So physically we're in New York, emotionally we were despondent and scared that our role at CollegeHumor was becoming thinned out, which probably led us indirectly to start a podcast, which indirectly led us to start a podcast network. So All's Well That Ends Well style, you can look at it as College Humor's loss became our gain in the long run.

Right, exactly. Because we had no control over our web series at CollegeHumor, we decided to do something that we had more control over. Here's the post that we asked if we could post online and Sam- Ultimately got denied. It seemed like Sam was pro and he said

that it was going to upset Paul and we didn't do it. So he said, we just wanna let, this is the post that you were gonna write. We just want to let you guys know. Which is blaming somebody else. That like you, we are sad to be releasing one video a week. We love making Jake in the Mirror and we love our fans even more.

It is not fun to feel like we're letting you down. Unfortunately, College Humor is a business and right now they feel like the best business move is to cut back on our release schedule. We're doing our best with our limited options. We will post outtakes, behind-the-scenes, contest and bonus videos on Thursdays, and of course we will continue doing live shows and hopefully come to your area soon. Which seems pretty innocuous. It was CollegeHumor's decision and not ours.

But they didn't want to be the Getting retroactively pissed off. It's all right, we're gonna this business decision you guys are making one video week your salary is halves. Your fans are mad at you. We really don't want you to post and let them know that it was our call. Unfortunately, it's like the Democrats saying Joe Biden, you got to drop out and let everyone know it was your call, unfortunately. It's like the Democrats saying, Joe Biden, you gotta drop out and let everyone know it was your decision and also you endorse us now.

He's like, all right, I'll do that. So it's called Schumer saying, you guys go down to one a week, don't tell anyone it was our idea, they blame you and you have to sort of take it like a man. Oh my God. I guess we didn't post it. Yeah, no, we didn't post it.

And we, it looks like the solution was to respond to people who were upset individually. Yeah. And I guess to 15 years later, tell everyone the truth. Yeah. Now we make one video every month or two, and it's our decision. We have no one to hide behind.

We have to sort of, we're the ones slicing our salary. We're the ones slicing our output. There's no post to be made. There's no blog, there's no website to get our word out edgewise. We have social media and that's it. If you don't follow me on Instagram or Twitter, you'll never hear from me again.

And it looks- There's no newsletter. Yeah, and it looks like I was living in LA at this time because I had another email of thanks for getting me a drink to an agent named Cameron. So- Cameron. Yeah, your old agent too.

That's a good one. So yeah, we met up at Barney's Beanery on March- That's awesome. On March 2nd, I think on Friday. So. You know Barney's is having a resurgence due to TikTok. Oh really, why? People are like, this is the best place to watch sports. A fun place to be.

Yeah. That's nice. That's nice. Unrelated to that, I watched Grease on the airplane. Barney's Beanery was in the movie Grease. the airplane. Barney's Beannery was in the movie Grease. So I guess Barney's Beannery has been around for a really, really long time. Wow.

Had a resurgence, died multiple times, and now it's back. Incredible. Okay, but here's my question for you. It's not wherever you on March 3rd, 2012. Okay, because I know. It's, this is the predicament I was found with, slash stuck with on the airplane to Alaska. It's, this is the predicament I was found with, slash stuck with on the airplane to Alaska.

Avi tall window seat, me middle seat, stranger aisle. I have to piss, stranger's asleep. Do you wake up? Do you climb over risking the fact that he'll wake up? And if so, do you go foot on his handlebar or fully straddle this person? And if you straddle, do you go ass or dick up to his nose? Right.

So a lot of options there. I've been in this situation many times because I do have the- Both as the sleeper and as the pisser. No, I'm always the pisser. I have I have a small bladder, I need to piss all the time. I also have piss anxiety. So I'm like, if I don't, if I know that I can't piss, then I need to piss more. Like, right? Yeah. So if I have to pee a little bit, I noticed they're sleeping. I'm like, oh, my god,

now I like now it's going to become an emergency because I'm like, oh my God, now it's gonna become an emergency because I'm thinking, how can I piss? When will I be able to piss? I also have pretty good hip mobility, so I can raise my leg pretty high and do a full turn of my foot. I am going, standing up, dick to stranger, and I'm stepping over over fully straddled.

Yeah, and I've done this many times to great success. Do you put your hands on his chair, on the chair behind you? I put my hands directly on his face, pushing him. Holy shit. And then I start pissing. I stick my fingers up his nostril for balance. I'm sort of gyrating as he wakes up to see me like that.

No, I think you can, it's either I can put my hand, one hand on the bulkhead across the other. Or I can go- It's kinda like rock climbing. Yeah, or I can go back. Yeah, maybe that's the other place where I get the seat. I can hold onto a back of the seat. Oh yeah, maybe it's like the back of my own seat. Step and step and out.

What did you do? Step through. So I was gonna wake him up and he looked so passed out. I'm like, I could probably just climb over him. But like, I didn't know if I climbed all the way over him and put my foot in the aisle, if my like, grle would touch his knees. So I put my foot on his outside handle,

the one that's his arm rest that's in the aisle. Yeah, that's really risky. Yeah, because his hand wasn't on it. Yeah. And then I did like a turn and I landed in the aisle and he didn't wake up. Wow. Then on my way back, I'm like, I can't,

because his hand was on the other arm rest. I'm like, now I feel like I gotta wake him up. Because if I do it going this way, higher degree of difficulty. But he's gonna be so confused, like how did this happen? Yeah, and he might be mad. I think it's a higher risk, higher reward play,

because it's like, in a best case scenario, he doesn't know that you left. And in the worst case, I step on him or fall on him while he's asleep. And it's in a very sexually suggestive manner. It's like I'm giving him a lap dance. And I don't know if it's worse if it's a lady or a man, old or young,

but he was a roughly my age kind of guy. Yeah, I think it's easier if it's a guy for me. But I think it's pretty innocuous. You just, if you disturb me, you're like, I'm so sorry, I didn't wanna wake you up. And they have to respect that. I think the normal average way to do it is by tapping and saying, excuse me.

I don't think, unless you're an able-bodied labor guy, you're doing the full straddle. That's not to be expected. To me, I don't think either way would or should upset anybody that much. Because you're trying to be very considerate. So if you get it wrong, and also some people would probably have preferences.

I think I'm probably fine to be climbed over if I'm asleep. I would prefer that to be like woken up. Because if somebody wakes me up, then I have to move. I'm like disturbed from my slumber. He did the pivot out, like the knees into the aisle, but he's still sitting. Like that was the way he. If he did that, then he's like, then I think that's a signal

that he was very pro you climbing. Yeah. And then I still climbed over him. I's like, then I think that's a signal that he was very pro-you climbing. Yeah, and then I still climbed over him. I'm like, you know what, if you're just gonna half-ass this, here we go. And I did the full handle to handle straddle. The full Monty. Yeah, and then I did the grime. The gyration.

Oh, turbulence. The magic mic. And then I turned around, yeah, I did the wrestling finishing move. Right on. Whatever that guy's name is, the sumo wrestler that sort of puts your face, Oh yeah, that sits on people's faces.

His face in your ass, yeah. But he was totally fine with it, great guy. Yeah. We ended up exchanging numbers and we went Dutch on this, this fob that I got, which gives me access to future princess rubies. Wow so you were bragging about how you were bragging about how I couldn't afford it and you had to split it with somebody. Me and Daryl yes did go Dutch because it's a very

expensive cabin. It is a nice balcony outwardly facing cabin and it is on the north side of the ship. And I was able to see Skagway and I was able to vomit in Juneau. And a life raft did land on my head and really, really hurt me ironically. But ultimately, Daryl and I are in it for the long haul. Thanks to the F.O.B., thanks to the medallion, thanks to you guys. Yeah.

All right, let's take one more break. Come back with the last segment. Thank you to Rocket Money for sponsoring this episode of our show. Oh yeah, baby. Thank you, Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions.

And yes, you have unwanted subscriptions. Yeah. You can count on that, all right? I mean, Jake, you found a bunch that you had just no idea you were subscribed to. Yeah, I was subscribed to a lot of smut, a lot of contraband that needed to be cleared out, cleaned out, wiped, acid washed. Yeah. And rocket money helped me do that. That's right. So how can you use rocket money? You can stop wasting money on things you

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Right. But you said you wanted to ask me three really deep questions instead. Yes, this is a segment that I'm calling three deep questions from ChatGPT. What more to examine the human condition do we need than ChatGPT? So I asked AI for three deep questions.

Yeah, and this is the depth according to an algorithm. Right, exactly. So these are, I think the first one's pretty, basically deep. What does it mean to live a meaningful life and how do you define purpose in a world where values and beliefs vary so widely? It's like, yeah, it's not that deep.

It's actually a little bit trite because it's kind of like what's- Meaning out what is all this for? What's the meaning of life? Is there a meaning to life? I was hoping it'd be like, what's 12 times nine? No, no, it's definitely trying to find deep questions. But this is basically said, what's the meaning of life?

And is it complicated because the world is so big? And do you have an answer? I think it's pretty easy, frankly. I mean, it's ultimately to leave the world in a better place than you came here and you create more positive value than negative to spark joy in yourself and happiness in those around you

to create positive outcomes to friends and strangers that you make and meet along the way. I thought it was to get cash and get sex. So. Well, the other one is to get cash, get pussy. Right. If you can't do either, get the fuck out of the way. Right.

Because I want both in spades. Yeah, yeah. How do our memories shape our identity and to what extent are we the sum of our past experiences versus the potential of our future selves? Yeah, so this is more like about free will, whether or not we're just like that things we're gonna do is just almost like a chat GPT can be defined

by what we've already experienced. How much am I just what I have had growing up? And for me, it's like the cash that I already earned is not enough. The play I've already got, it's been there, but need to do more of that. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I can't just come once and be done.

I think... But... I don't wanna say what I just said. I don't want to say what I thought. I really don't want to say what I thought. Is true free will an illusion given the influence of genetics, environment, and societal norms on our decisions or do we have the power to transcend these forces? I don't understand the question, Chad.

You stumped the human. Yeah. Yes. Let me see. Absolutely. What do you mean by that third question? Yeah, it's mostly just a nevermind, leave me alone. You either get it or you don't.

It gave me way too much of an answer, so we're not gonna even go into it. Well, actually, how about this for a question I've actually discussed with Avital and her friends. How much of your success is luck and how much of it is skill? So you look at a successful anything, actor, doctor, writer, artist, philanthropist.

And you say, all right, you're successful. To what percentage do you attribute that to luck? To what skill? I mean, it has to be, God, it's gotta be such a huge portion of luck if you're thinking of like, how lucky are you to be born a human in conditions where you could survive and thrive and have all the means.

If you zoom all the way out to like the fact that you were born as a white guy. Right, I'm already growing up in Hampton if you're like the starting from here luck or something. Yeah, the one in a billion it took for me to be a white guy in Connecticut. Yeah. Now, how much luck is it?

Everybody in my lineage survived. Yeah. Plagues, hunter gathering, war, all that stuff for me to get here. That was a lot of luck for me. And I guess now, I think it's mostly luck, but it's like the, there's like the, kind of like the instinct and the ability to capitalize

when you see something breaking your way. I think that that's something I was good at. Yeah. So you'd go mostly luck but not skill. Yeah, 75% luck, 25% skill. Yeah, that's what I would break too. But I've heard some arguments that it's 100% luck, 25% skill. Yeah, that's what I would break too. But I've heard some arguments that it's 100% luck. We don't have, regardless of your skill,

you look at some people wildly successful, not skillful at all. Some people struggling, can't do anything. They're the most skillful people of all time. Whether or not you're successful, it's entirely due to just the luck of it all. But I would argue that it's actually an ability to recognize luck, because I don't think that some people are just lucky all the time. I just think that some people are able to like spot an opportunity and go for it. So like there's an ability baked into being lucky is what I think.

Right. There's like a famous basketball, I think it was John Wooden quote, that luck is the residue of design. Like you create your own luck by putting yourself in a position to be lucky. A lot of people put themselves in a position to be lucky, but not necessarily on purpose and can't necessarily create success out of it.

And sometimes it's lucky to be in a position of being lucky in the first place. Yeah, and sometimes you're just a viral celeb and you make the most of it because somebody happened to get you on camera doing something interesting, and now you're doing a lot of good work with the attention that you got at that moment in time.

So it seems like, okay, I'll go up to 85% luck 15% skill, you gotta have some skill, right? Yeah, because otherwise, there's nothing you just wouldn't be able to do anything with your luck. So yeah, I think there's there's a little bit of skill, maybe not like fine skill. I think you can have rough skill, rough skill and luck is really all it's all that it takes. I mean, even Jake Paul is pretty good at boxing. Yeah, he's kind of the benchmark.

He's 80, 20, I think. And even he's kind of jacked and works out a lot. That's not nothing. Yeah, I mean, that skill, willpower is kind of a skill. Willpower is skill power. That's not nothing. Yeah, I mean that skill, willpower is kind of a skill. Willpower is skill power. Yeah. That's awesome. All right, we'll end on a deep note.

Yeah. And let me know about the Venmo-ing me for the cruise thing. I really think you might dig it. I think you might dig it. Yeah. I think you might think it's pretty neat to get me 10 grand if you can take a cruise. I mean, you already split that with Darrell,

so it's kind of, it feels like you're cutting him out. You went Dutch and then you're asking me to go double Dutch essentially, but you're actually making your netting profit, which just feels fucked up. I want the cake and to eat it too. I want the skim and I want the juice. I want to eat it too. I want the skim and I want the juice. I want to have had cake.

Yes, I want six of one and a half dozen of the other. And there's a world where I fucking take the cruise ship down. Do you know that in 2017, one of these huge mainliners went down in Italy? And a lot of people died, right? Yes, 16 people died. The captain was arrested for manslaughter.

Jesus. I looked into it. I looked into it. I tried to make a citizen's arrest on Ruby to no avail. The princess Ruby Jade. Actually, Lonely and Hornies can be entirely, season three could be entirely set on a cruise. There's so many characters.

It just throws you into it. Different experiences of you interacting with people you would never ever interact with before. God, I would love that. Just Pictionary alone would be a great episode. Yeah. Maybe we could do it as a podcast or something. Cause shooting on a cruise seems pretty expensive actually.

Yeah, podcast actually would work. You just put in some like C sounds, the sound of a seal and you're there, you're actually. Yeah, podcast actually would work. You just put in some like C sounds, the sound of a seal and you're there, you're transported. Yeah. Yeah, we could do it all Foley style. With Dave Foley style. Okay, tickets available again to our show in Philadelphia at edgum.com slash live.

That's right. And I guess there's a wait list for the New York show that might become available soon enough. So if you wanna go see that show, there might be a way for you to attend even though the website currently says sold out. Exactly. And then for more of us, you can check out our Patreon,

patreon.com slash J-A. If I said anything mildly weird or offensive this episode, my lawyer says to tell you guys it's because I'm permanently insane and I am incapable of producing any rational thought going forward. And I kind of get sucked into the vortex sometimes. So that disclaimer actually includes me in my own.

Correct. Yeah. Absolutely. But we'll see y'all next week. Maybe in Alaska. Maybe if you wanna join me in Darrell in some sort of three way. It'll probably be here. Of course. Bye everybody. Wodim, check out my new show, Thanks Dad, now on HeadGum. I was raised by a single mom

and I don't have a relationship with my dad and, spoiler, I don't think I'm ever going to have one with him because he's dead. But I promise you that's okay because on my new podcast I sit down with father figures like Bill Burr, Kenan Thompson, Adam Pally, Hassan Minaj, Tim Meadows, Andy Cohen, and many, many more. I get to ask them the questions I've always wanted to ask a dad like, how do I know if the guy I'm dating is the one? Or how can I change the oil in my car? Can you even show me that? Or better yet, can you help me perfect my jump shot?

I am so bad at basketball. Oh my gosh. Maybe I'm bad at basketball because I don't have a dad, but subscribe to Thanks Dad on Spotify, Apple Podcasts Thanks Dad on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every Monday.