If I Were You - 45: Gotye

Episode Date: December 12, 2013

In this episode we discuss best friends, worst gifts, and the art of being rejected.This episode is brought to you by HuluPlus.com! Check out HuluPlus.com/Amir for access to thousands of movies and TV Shows: bit.ly/1aJaQzwThis episode is ALSO brought to you by 20Jeans.com! Twenty dollar jeans and other awesomely affordable high quality clothes: bit.ly/152P612See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, I'd tell you what I'd do, I'd listen to this show, And maybe in a while you'd learn a thing or two, Cause life's got many questions, and they've got all the answers, So if you're in a pickle, if you need advice, If you could use a laugh, then these are your guys. If I were you, you'd show, if I were you starts now. Boo! Whoa, hateful!

What was that shit? You got a knot. You got a knot. What was that? You know, you wrote that song. You recorded that song. And he butchered it. Yeah, that was your voice.

Exactly right, and I'm my biggest critic. You're insecure. No, I just thought that. And that song was so soothing and good. It would be funny if it just ended and 30 people booed him. A chorus of booze. Boo! It made us feel too good.

It was very smooth. Yeah. Very smooth. As if we weren't tired enough. That song just really lulled me right to bed. Let me say that guy's name right away, because we always forget to mention. That song was written for us by McLean Cannon. What?

Yeah, which I guess he's a superhero. I feel like he should be writing Rap Rock. McLean Cannon? Yeah, I'm McLean Cannon, alright? If I were you. Sorry, McLean Cannon, you actually, you have to be in Creed, I think. You have to be doing bigger and better things. No, not bigger or better.

Creed isn't bigger or worse. Bigger and worse are things. I made for bigger and worse are things for them is, I want to be famous for a bad reason now. I'm going to be on reality TV. I guess there are people who want to be, like as kids, like I want to grow up and be on reality TV. Yeah, there are now. That's awesome. That's good.

No, that's good. Why? Because it means they're going to be famous, which is the best. Yeah, it's nice to be famous. To be famous is the best thing, because people know you. I don't care what I'm famous for. As long as people look at me. Oh, he works hard, he's a good writer, he's a good actor.

No, I don't care. I want people to know who I am. Yeah. I want to be on the cover of Star on People Us Weekly, Vogue, French Vogue. I want to be French Vogue. French dude, I, yeah, yeah. What? What?

Yeah. What? You think I don't want to be on the cover of French Vogue? I just don't surprise you even though that's a magazine. Yeah. Is there a French every magazine? I don't know. I'm perfect.

You know, I'm not even 100% sure there's a French Vogue, but I think I heard Kanye West say it. I want to be on People, Teen People, French People, French Teen People. French Teen People. Yeah, there's, you know, there's never like a French boy celebrity. Is there? Like a, oh. Like the way like One Direction is like, oh my god, they're hot in British. They're like, baby, man.

Aren't they hot in British? Like Beatles. There's never like. Who's the most famous French person in the world? I'm going to just say that I think Gattier is French. Is he not? I'm going to just say that I, I'm going to go on record and say. Somebody that I used to know.

Oh, we, we, we. I'm good. You used to. Yeah. So basically these song is about somebody that I used to know. Do you have kills? Do you have a shadow friend? Or even funnier than that is like, hey, yeah, I'm Gattier.

I'm from Kansas City. So my name is Gattier. My name is Gattier. I remember I was making a joke. I think it was like a year ago that I went to high school with Gattier. It's like, yeah, me. It was the crew was like me, Adam, Jesse and Gattier. And we would just like hang out and like Gattier would do like the funniest Cartman

impression. Yeah. We would play like golden. Like I was always James Bond. Yeah. Gattier was odd job. So like we had to sleep over one. I think it was either at Chris's house or Gattier's.

And we like got like, I don't know. We stayed up all night playing Tetris and Gattier. Gattier's dad like made us potato skins and it was actually really tight. But we always made fun of Gattier actually because like he had like the loudest farts. Hey, welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. Have we not introduced the show yet?

I honestly, we could have been talking about Gattier for 45 minutes at this point. Like what's our time? I don't know where we're at. We've been going on. Yeah. This is the 91 minute mark. This is our longest episode so far. We're delirious.

We are. We're straight up delirious. Where are we today? We're Los Angeles. We're back. We made it. We're finally here. We started from the bottom on Sunday, December 1st.

I flew across the country in four and a half hours and then it took me 11 days to drive back. If you didn't know any better, you would think I'm an idiot for doing what I did, which is kind of true. Yeah. Why would I spend so much money flying the place and then just a lot of time and effort driving the exact same distance back from whence I started. And a shitload of money.

Do not think, nobody out there would be fooled and think that driving is cheaper than flying. No, it seems like it would be cheaper because it's much harder, but when in fact it's probably 10 to 15 times more expensive. Yep. But you know what? It's a rich experience. Yeah. No, actually flying is more fun because you're like in the sky.

Yeah. Hold on. That's cool. That's a good experience. I haven't done that in a minute. Actually, Gattier's dad has a pilot's license. Gattier. Where is Gattier?

Gattier. There's also a chance we're pronouncing his name wrong. No. Goatier? Goatier? Gattier? Gattier? Oh, Gattier.

Gattier was in my English class. Yeah. It was me and Rami and Gattier. And we did this presentation, this book report, I guess. And Gattier was so incompetent. He only did the work-cited part. So how does the show work? We make fun of Gattier for about seven minutes.

We put Gattier on blast. Sorry, boss. This is that Wednesday night blast. Would you say we Gattier him? Actually, I might put you on blast for that. For what? For that. For saying that we Gattier him.

Yeah. I got you. Can I look at you? Gattier. Oh, my God. You wrote that joke earlier today. Oh, my God, yeah. You started all this Gattier shit.

Just to lead you to that one fun. Gattier. Wait, how did we start talking about Gattier? Oh, the most famous French person. Oh, yeah. Who is the most famous French person? Nikolai Sarkozy? Yeah.

Or what about the ballet dancer from Black Swan? He's so famous you don't even know his fucking name. The most famous French person in the whole world is that. The ballet person. That ballet guy from Black Swan. Natalie Portman's husband. Okay, I got the answer. Then we're going to start the show.

Napoleon Bonaparte? No, no, no. Is he French? Alive. Most famous French person alive. Just tell me if Napoleon's French though. US, yeah. Tony.

Tony Parker. No. He's not. He's the most famous to you. Yeah. You know who he is. Let's start the show. This is ridiculous.

No, no, no. I want to storm some more brain. So, the way it works is that this is an advice podcast. People find themselves in difficult places, sticky situations, and they write into us. If I were you, show at gmail.com. We read through all the submissions and choose four to five to answer on the show. We give these real emails, fake names to preserve their anonymity. Should we get right into it?

I'll give you, honestly dude. That was your best intro. B minus. What? That was absolutely on point for you. And you think that was 80 out of 100? 82. 82?

82. It's funny because Gattier actually got an 84 in AP Cal. Gattier came to me in tears. He needed to get an A to make his dad proud. All right. The theme of this show, I guess, will be French people. So, we'll say this person, Napoleon. Napoleon.

We'll start from the top. Napoleon writes. It's a lady named Napoleon, by the way. Total. Marie Antoinette. Marie Antoinette, French woman. She said not Napoleon. Not Napoleon because this is a lady.

All right. First question. Marie Antoinette writes. So, my problem is my best friend. I'm a huge pessimist, a downer on life, a negative Nancy, if you will. And I think that my best friend is the cause of this. She's constantly insulting me, telling me how annoying I am and how much my life sucks. She'll just call me to say, wow, clearly you're in a bad mood.

I'm just going to talk to you later, even when I'm not mad at all. This, of course, results in me getting angry and pissed off. Is my best friend turning me into a negative person with low self-esteem? Should we take a break from each other? I used to be happy, but for the past several years, I've just been this ridiculously negative and pissed off person. Help. You're fine. You worked through it.

What? What's the second question? Oh, my God. I'm serious. I worked through it. Are you in a rush? I just think that, like, yeah, your best friend, everybody's best friend gets on their nerves sometimes. It's fine.

All right. Next question. What's this? You want to delve a little further? What? I only chose one question. Oh, okay. Let's try to stall.

It sounds like you have a bad attitude. Would you say this girl seems like she has a bad attitude? She does now, but I'm blaming her best friend, too. No, no, no, no. It's too easy. It starts with you. Well, here's the real problem. She's still classifying her best friend as a terrible person as her best friend.

Right. No. She's got to update the standings. Yeah. Here's the problem. My mortal enemy. Yeah. Think about it that way.

Your best friend is supposed to elevate you, challenge you, make you a better person. By being a better person themselves, they want to support you. They want what's best for you. They entertain you. They care about you. They have your back, but they're also going to call you on your shit. It seems like this girl only calls you on your shit. It seems like she calls you on your shit so aggressively that she stopped calling you

on your actual shit and just calls you out for no reason all the time. Speaking of which, it says that she'll call me just to say, wow, clearly you're in a bad mood. I'm going to call you later. Ring, ring. Hello. Hello. You're in a bad mood.

Excuse me? I'm just going to talk to you later. Sorry. I'm in a bad mood now. I guess my mortal enemy was right. Yeah. She's sort of baiting me into this self-fulfilling prophecy where I'm a terrible person. I can't believe you put up with this for years.

Thank God we started a podcast. Yeah. What would you have done without us? Marie. Marie. Ms. Antoinette. Ms. Antoinette herself. Honestly, dude, we're fucking heroes, man.

We don't pat ourselves on the back enough. Sure we do. You end every single question with saying that we're heroes and that we don't pat ourselves on the back enough. Yeah. So we do. We pat ourselves five times twice a week. That's 10 times.

We call ourselves heroes. I think that's patting ourselves on the back. I do. Yeah. No, you're right. I guess it's an appropriate amount. I would say it's way too many. You should never think call yourself a hero, let alone that many times every week.

If I don't call myself a hero, who will? That's the problem. I guess the problem is you think that you're here to be called a hero. I call myself a pimp. I call myself a good person because nobody else will. So yeah. Do you ever think that maybe people don't do it because you often take a break in the day to talk about that yourself?

Yeah. My self-validation gets a little egregious at times. At every time. I'll hold up a line at Starbucks and I'll say, hey, does anybody here think I'm as awesome as I do? People tend to not. Of course. What would they possibly say in the line of a Starbucks?

You turn around and you raise two deuces like you're a Richard Nixon impersonator and ask everyone if you're a pimp and a cool. Yeah. And what do they do? They probably just ignore you. Well, they suggest that I keep the line moving and I say, okay, you can eat my ass. Would you say that to Gabby Giffords? Jesus Christ.

What? An actual hero. Yeah. Holy shit. I don't know how it happened, but you're making it seem like. I don't know how it happened either. Oh, yes, I do. You led me there.

That's not fair. And then when the bit got too real, you took it too dark and I didn't. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. She's an American hero. And you're an American zero. But I still think I'm above you because you dragged her into this fucking awful podcast.

If you're an American zero, I'm an American negative one. You're always one upping me. So very easily, quickly, simply put, this girl's not your best friend. You need a new best friend. Or you need a best friend because this girl's just not a best friend. Maybe you should make yourself your best friend. This girl's not even a friend friend. I think it's time that you loved yourself.

Sure. Marie? Do you have a best friend or you're your own best friend also? Me? I'm my own best friend. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I think a weak thing that I want to do always is now is take a picture of you as you're recording this show. It's always so funny. Don't pull your sweatshirt down. No. Do not pull your sweatshirt down. You lazy Santa.

It's not fair. I didn't ask for this. I would take a picture of you right now. You're kneeling on the ground and your parents in your brother's childhood bedroom shirt off, no socks. You're just hunched over a floral bed print. Okay. So you want to, so does that mean I can't take a photo of you?

Fine. Pick for pick. Where's my phone? Just under a pastrami sandwich. Oh, shit. Oh, crap. Yeah. Damn it.

I turned it off. Actually. Shit. All right. Yeah, I'm going to take a picture of you. All right. Did you take one of me? No, not yet because you're not, you're not natural.

I'm not natural. This isn't how you were doing it. This is me. No. Yeah, I'm not being sexy. You're being a little cat. I'm being a little coy. All right.

We got him about in the next question. I feel coy. You're a coy boy to be sure. I'm coy for this one. I'm coy for this one, Rick. Don't laugh. I've been listening to do into hip top. Hip, hip, hip, hip, hop.

All right. Next question. Yeah. All right. We'll call this person another French person that I know. It's probably just another French athlete. Nicholas Batume. Who is that?

He plays for the Blazers. What's up, Amir and Jake? I'm leaving for the Air Force at the end of December. So I was planning on breaking up with my girlfriend beforehand. We were texting the other night and she was talking about giving me a blowjob before I leave. Excuse you. This is very unlike her and something I really want. I know I should just break up with her, but come on.

I mean, it's a blowjob. I would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks, you hashtag dope dudes. Wait, he's going where? The Air Force. He's going to the Air Force. So he wants to break up with his girlfriend. So far makes sense.

Why? It's just a lot to deal with if you're already in a very difficult place like the Air Force. It requires you're 100% of your concentration. You don't know that about the Air Force. I can only assume. I mean, if my job requires 50% of my concentration, I can only assume the Air Force requires more than that. He doesn't want to have to worry about dealing with someone else. You're only concentrating on your job 50%?

I'm saying I'm dedicating 50% of my concentration to my job. The rest of it is just mostly my stamp collection. Jesus. My coins. I guess in my mind, when people go to something like the Air Force or the military or the navy, don't you want to lock down a girlfriend because it's not really a good dating scene in the army? I was self-centered of you. You small impotent fuck.

You piece of shit. Well, I can't get any in the Air Force, so let me lock one down back at home. I just want to make sure she doesn't get any. Put me on blast. I'm doing something. I deserve it. And I have like a week off. I can cheat on her as long as she stays here emotional.

Is this what it fucking feels like to be unblast? How is this okay? You're shitting yourself. I'm unblast. I know, but still. Control your bowels, man. What's the fucking point? Life unblast isn't worth fucking living.

A life unblast isn't a life at last. A life unblast. That's the name of Dave Rosenberg's memoir. A life unblast, the Dave Rosenberg story. Yeah. Why? You think it's good to have a girlfriend when you go to a situation we can't? At the very least, I would fucking get a BJ from her before I left.

You don't have to be such a saint that you're going to go fight for our country and not hurt a girl. You got to get out of guilt free card because you're a hero. Dude, I'll fucking blow you, actually. I swear to God. It'd be an honor. Permission to do it in an F-16. Permission to give you airhead in an F-16, sir. I want to give you a Mach 3 blowjay.

A skydome, if you will. I'd like for you to nut during a sonic boom. I'd like for us to break the sound barrier. Airhead. And after you nut, I swear to God, just hit the inject button. I'll disappear from your life forever. I'll never call you. There's an inject button that says specific.

It just shoots up the person who's kneeling right in front of you in the fighter jet. They do not get a parachute. I'll give this guy some good person advice. Since you're a terrible human being. Sure, go ahead. Yeah, your job is to what? Sorry, I'm here to think veterans deserve blowjobs. Is that a patriotic sentiment, actually?

Tell you what, you guys go volunteer for our armed forces, and Amir's going to get ahead from your girlfriends. That's what you're thinking. You're worse than the Nazis. Godwin. We spend more time together than any two people should spend together. We're going to move in together. Terrible idea.

If you're going to break up with her, I wouldn't get that BJ. I'm dead serious. You guys, there's no video version of this podcast, but here's my thumb. It's up, and guess what? I just switched it to a thumbs down. It was a classic, classic move. I'm indicating that I didn't like Amir's advice in a jovial way. But if you knew you were going to break up with someone, would you accept a BJ?

Yes. Wouldn't you feel a little bit bad? No. It ends, and then you're like, sorry, that was good, but I'm going to break up with you now? Yeah. You never had sex with your ex-girlfriend after you broke up? No. Okay.

I'm not the weird one here. That's very normal to like to... Well, that's a totally different question. Fine. So he knows he's going to break up with her. She's like, I want to blow you. And he's going to say, oh, no, actually, hold on to that thought. If you're going to break up with someone, I feel like you have to be the best guy that you can be.

So you have to give her no ammunition. When she probably gets mad at him for being like, but why did you let me S your D? I don't know, babe, we're through. Well, I mean, you don't have to do it right then and there. Oh God, that was dope. I don't want to be with you. And she's like... Oh God, that was gross.

Yeah, dude. You think Gabby Giffords got real? No, no. No, she's an American hero. She's a patriot. You're a coward. You're a scumbag for even invoking your name. She shall not be named.

That just makes you seem worse. Oh no. All right, two different pieces of advice from two different people. Jake says go for it. I say no for it. Let's take a break. Let's take a frickin' briach. It's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area,

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Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. When I was talking about food, the equivalent of what 20 jeans cost, it reminded me of a good thing that I wanted to bring up on the show, which is your diet. Oh, no. Yeah.

Yeah. I said you've been eating like a wrestler trying so desperately to gain weight. Yeah. Like you don't do, you have no filter. Right. Yeah. I just order whatever I want. I order whatever I want.

And then I order a couple other things that I think I might want. Right. And then if there's something on the menu that I don't see very often, then I'm like, oh, it's a chocolate milkshake. I haven't been around one. I'm like, I would like that. And then I'll also finish other people's food. And then if there's like bread that comes out before, I eat all of that.

So like cracker barrel, whatever. I'll get meatloaf and fried okra or something of some vegetable. And you get like a cheeseburger, mac and cheese, french fries and milkshake and bread. Yeah. And then I was also eating everyone else's food. Right. And then you end every meal with the same painful feeling. Right.

It's like, what's that animal that eats so much that he would die? Like lambs or something. You have to like restrict their diet because they will eat so much that their stomachs explode. Yeah. And then six hours later, you're starving again and back at it. Yeah. I don't know.

It's kind of, it's one of the, it's like that consequences thing. Just like, I can see myself getting fat. And I'm like, I just like, and when I'm done eating, I'm like, oh God, you know what? Salads later or like, I'm going to take it easy. I'm going to like drink tonight. And then, but then I, six hours after that, I forget all of the feelings that I had. Right. I'm going to do this.

It's a cyclical, awful, sad, deplorable, depraved, really. John Grimm yesterday said, you're killing yourself with food. That's true. I also eat very, very, very, very fast. Yeah. Because the human body shouldn't have as much food. So you have to like shove it in your mouth before it gets to your stomach. Today, when we were, we pulled into work and we were shooting and somebody like brought

us sandwiches. And they're like, we're talking about like, you know, the logistics of this shoot. I was just, I was eating. I looked like a person who had just like finished sprinting and they're like bending over, clutching their knees, but it like, I was bending over one hand on my knee. The other was just like shoving a sandwich in my face. I didn't even like stand up straight because so much ingredients were falling out of the sandwich onto the ground that I couldn't do it.

And I was eating so fast. You eat like a war refugee who's seen food for the first time in two years. But that's what you do every four hours. In sandwich, I realized I was like, oh my God, I'm doing this in front of somebody. I need to, I need to stop that. Who used to respect me. Can you read the, or is it too personal to read the message that you sent yourself? Oh, I hope, I hope I have it.

You sent during the middle of our tour while we were making fun of how much you eat and how disgusting it is. You sent yourself a reminder. I said I was going to change. Yeah. And so you sent yourself a reminder for today at 11am. Yes. What did it read?

Oh, here we go. This went off this morning at 11. Actually, as I was very, very hungover. You two croissants. Yeah. Reality check. You're fat as fuck. Your bulging backflab is going to make it so only your ugly fans will want to fuck you.

Double chin. Your stubble looks better thin. You have little to no willpower. The only thing you do consistently is wreck your body and squander relationships. Even this reminder will serve no purpose except to illustrate how immediately and often you ignore good advice. Enjoy your cheeseburger fat ass. The funny thing is that I tried to order a cheeseburger on the road.

You just read the last line. You're like, yeah, cheeseburger. I'd actually be down. Oh, god. But you know what? When you have a reason, you're very strong will powered. So I have faith in you. Like Burning Man.

Yeah, like you eat leaves and salad primarily for about a week straight. I'm going to do my best. I'm going to get back on. I just don't have a fucking permanent house. It's not an excuse to not eat order food. It's at least an excuse to not go to the gym. But if I'm not going to the gym, then I don't really feel like eating right. And then I'm like, I'm a vagrant right now.

I'm a fat homeless man. I'm a transient fucker. That's what it is. So let's get back to these questions. Let's see what your transient fat ass has to say about this question. Why would I give anyone advice? Why would I give someone advice? I don't deserve to live.

Because what you lack in discipline and willpower, you make up for in insight and self-awareness. You're so clued in on life and your thoughts and feelings that most people would look up to you in that regard, I think. And these are what people need. They need a fresh perspective and you can offer that. Also, if you finish this podcast, I'll give you a cheeseburger. The first half of that was the nicest thing you've said to me ever. And it was just the setup to a punchline. You asshole.

All right, ready? French person's name? Yeah. Oh, Michel Gondry. Perfect. Michel Gondry writes, My girlfriend Brittany and I are about to celebrate our first Christmas together. We were having a friendly conversation about Christmas gifts we've gotten in the past.

And she mentions that her best Christmas present was from her most recent ex-boyfriend. It was a painting and she went on and on about how much time and effort he put into it. I didn't really bother me at first until I realized that the painting she was talking about is the very same painting that is hanging over the bed of her college dorm room. That's right, the whole time I've been giving it to my smoke show of her girlfriend, her ex's gift has been staring me right in the face reminding me that he was there first. I know it shouldn't bother me this much, but it does. Should I ask her to take the painting down? And if so, how would I go about doing this?

Thanks, Michel Gondry. I love it. I think that's really funny. Yeah, especially because the painting is of the ex-boyfriend grabbing his dick, looking down at a bed. It is so... I think that she's rude for even bringing that up. You never go on and on about your ex in any capacity, let alone a gift that is still on display. It's weird though because I feel like talking about your ex is one of... It's just like your favorite thing to do as a human being. Why?

I don't know, but I love talking about my exes. Like in a negative way or just in general? Just thinking about the relationships, the good things, the bad things, because you're trying to work out what you're going to want out of the next thing or what you did wrong in that relationship. I think it's natural to like to talk about your exes, but you should never be talking about your exes with your current. Even if they're being cool, they're silently stewing. Just don't ever do that.

There's only so cool that you can be. I also think... I think this guy can spin this. You don't have to be like her ex-boyfriend is like watching over us to remind you that he was there first. You're pounding your girlfriend under the painting to announce that you're there now. Yeah, now is better than first. Yeah, fuck that. Like, yeah, oh, this dude, he slaved the way at this painting.

He went out and bought a fucking easel and shit and he made this gorgeous little Christmas gift, but like, oh, guess what, dude? I'm going to pull out and ejaculate onto it. Well, that's what's up? No, no, no, for real though. Have you ever ejaculated onto an oil painting? It is bliss. It is absolute bliss.

Yeah, it's called glazing. You sort of finish a photo. Yeah, yeah. It really makes it pop. Now you just have to, you've got to top the ex's present. You have to do that. How do you do that? A better painting.

No, it can't be the same thing. Get her a frame. Frame for the painting. Yeah, I just, he was there first but know that I'm currently surrounding you. And I'm better. I'm protecting you. Yeah, you got to do something that costs money because things that are thoughtful and like that are nice, but people like shit that costs money.

If you bought her something, it doesn't even matter. Honestly, it doesn't even matter if it's her thing, if she likes it. If she knows how expensive it was, she'll be like, oh, this is awesome. I love money. If I was seeing somebody and they gave me a very sentimental book or a trinket or something, and then I went on Amazon and it was for $50. In a heartbeat, I would trade that for a $51 gift certificate to Amazon, to Starbucks, whatever.

Because they say that, oh, it's the thought that counts. No, no, no. It's the money. It's the thought of money that counts. Thought actually doesn't count for Jack's shit because last time I checked, I couldn't buy a Grande's sweet and nice copy in a croissant with thoughts. With thoughts, yeah. How many thoughts is that?

So it's 461 or how many thoughts? How many thoughts? Oh, I can't, I can't give you this. I see this is where I swipe the card. What do I swipe my thoughts? Yeah, I know the monetary value of this croissant. I'm being lifted out of the Starbucks. I was just trying to prove a point.

I have cash. I have cash. You open your wallet and it's just thoughts. No. Who cares about cash value when you got sentimental value? Sense, sentimental. Yeah, with a C. Sentimental.

These sense are mental. Now don't regret this dental appointment I made for you. I made you a dentist appointment actually. Sentimental, these. Sentimental, these sense are mental. Now don't regret this dental appointment that I made for you. Do you like this car? It's a rental.

My new girlfriend, she's Oriental. Whoa. I don't think that's a, is that an offensive word? Absolutely it is. Oriental? Yeah. Are you sure? Oh no.

I thought we saw it on the billboard. We did but we were in such a backwards ass city that it was completely normal. We were in, what was it, when we got off at Route 66. Oh and like, it was Arizona? Yeah. It was in Arizona. Some place in Arizona, the birthplace of Route 66. There was this old sign that said Oriental food and I was like, hmm, that's not okay anymore.

Is it not? No, we also saw a great thing in the Grand Canyon which was candy cigarettes. Oh my God. With a design that looked like it couldn't be legally made today. It was just like a kid asking his dad, he's like, dad, can I bum a smoke? And then like the tagline was like, teacher kids how to look cool. Yeah, and it was like just like daddy does. Yeah.

Terrible. So many people fought so many laws to make sure that that never happened and that person was just selling these candy cigarettes in the Grand Canyon. Where were we? This gift. What's the gift? I don't think you can ask her to take down the painting. I think that just makes you weak and lame.

This is like when I asked, did I tell the story of the podcast? Oh yeah, I think I did. When my ex, I was like with somebody who was like, she was wearing her ex's t-shirt to bed. Yeah. Like I want you to throw it away, but I know I can't say it. It's just not an argument worth having. Just like, it's going to suck.

Silently stew for a little bit and process it and let it go. But it's like, it's not worth making it a thing. As soon as you say take it down, then he really wins. Right. Exactly. And then you say take it down and she's like, no. And then she feels some sort of connectedness to him all over again. It's like, oh, wait a second.

No, I don't. Just fucking don't even, just gloss over it. The greatest way to beat him is to not give a shit about the painting. Just next time you go in there, look at it and just pick out all its flaws and be like, oh, this is a bad painting. Oh, that's good. Make fun of the painting in front of her. Well, no, don't do that in front of her.

This is just for you to get over it. Right. Right. Right. Oh, no. My jaw is melting. Oh, no. What happened to you, dude?

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no. Gattier, can you help me out for a second, man? Gattier.

I mean, Gattier used to make like Jackass style videos. Yeah, high school. Gattier used to work at like Walgreens. So he used to like rent the shopping carts and like Gattier would just launch me into a house. You would rent a shopping cart? Yeah. Well, Gattier was, yeah.

Because he was like French. He doesn't really understand that you can just take one. But he was like, no, no, no. Gattier would rent them for like five dollars an hour. Yeah. It was insane. It was so stupid. Gattier had money like that.

That's Gattier. I just got Gattier for you. He is. He's actually somebody that you used to know, huh? Zinger. All right. Let's last question it up. This one comes from...

French fry. The French's fry of all. There's some fucking insanely famous French person. That we're just forgetting. It's like, it's probably a humanitarian or something. Somebody really, really good. It's the Pope. The Pope is French.

Is he? No, I think it's from South America. Yeah, it's Argentina. Yeah, Argentine. It is. Yeah. Oh no, current events. Marcel Marceau.

Marcel Marceau writes... Hey guys, last year I met a girl who I honestly believed that I loved. I was promptly friend-zoned at home coming after I asked her out. She would then try to get with one of my good friends. Normally this wouldn't phase me, but it happened twice now and put myself esteem about the way I look in the gutter. I'm pretty skinny. Now, I can't think about getting with a girl without them rejecting me

due to the way I look. What do you guys think? Dude, I hate when I get promptly friend-zoned. You ever go up to a girl at a bar and just like, hey, baby, it's like, uh-uh, friend-zone. Yeah, it's like, oh, great. Now I have to frickin' go mini-golfing and eat frozen yogurt with her? Dude, no.

I mean, the zone. Friend-zone is the silliest term in the world. Friend-zone is a way for people to say like, oh, she didn't reject me. She put me in a zone of friends. Right. It's like, she still likes me. Yeah.

You know, the zone where with all your other friends where you never see that person ever again. Because also, it puts the rejection on the girl and not you. She's like, ugh, idiot, put me in the friend-zone. I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to try to be your friend. I'm trying to hook up. Like, no, she's just, she put you in the zone of people she is not attracted to.

Yeah, the unattracted zone. So, but now he can't think of trying to go for another girl because his self-esteem is in the gutter. Because you're insecure because this girl didn't find you attractive. Well, a good way to make yourself feel better is that nobody on earth could get every single girl in the world that he wanted. So, you can say, oh, there are some girls that don't like me and some girls that do.

This happens to me, a girl that doesn't. Not necessarily. Every girl is going to think of you that way. Some girls will actually, you know, dig skinny guys. Yeah, or go get like whey protein and just work out. Yeah, or like cheeseburgers, mac and cheese french fries. Dude, I will give you, if you need a diet boss, you need a diet to pack on some pounds.

You're rocking 5,800 calories a day. You do me. You do cheese. Seize the cheeseburger, would you say? Seize the yo-do-you. Cheese the seizeburger. This guy's talking. Cheese the seizeburger. You're drooling American cheese.

I swear to God, I'm going to fall asleep with the mic. When you're doing the outro, when you're like, yeah, this is emailing and I'm just like, I'm dead, I'm dying. It's over. All right, I just got the photo of you that I need. You son of a bitch. Let me do one more being coy. I'll give you final filter approval.

Don't worry about that. This is fucked up. This is illegal, I think. You're exploiting me. You're under arrest. You're exploiting me. Doors locked behind you. I make you model for half an hour.

This seems like a young dude that's experiencing his first taste of rejection. This is not how it is always. Or maybe that feeling never does go away. You get rejected and you just think, maybe nobody likes me. That's what you got to just remain confident. Fuck, I don't know. People vacillate between attractive and unattractive too. I used to be much less attractive than I am currently.

I think you're peaking right now. You think this is my apex? I don't know where the trajectory is going. I might have already topped out. You maybe did, but I just think that you are at your apex. Let's keep on going up. Let's see what happens. Let's see how high I can get.

If I start to slip. Your star is on the rise, Blumenfeld. Or it's at the very least at the top. For sure. There is one way to go from here and it's down. No, I'll make you up. I really think so. If I was a stock, would you buy me right now, sell me or hold me?

Well, I mean, I bought you eight years ago. Tota. Holding you forever, baby. I sold you in 2011. So I bought you in 2007. Well, good. I made a pretty good profit. 2011, that was my all-time low.

I'm on the goddamn rise. You're my little Bitcoin. Yeah, right. Dude. You made a mistake. You made a mistake. I want to come back. I'm going to make something myself still.

You mark my words. All right. You had an In-N-Out burger? My broken heel has been amputated. I'm talking to an animal-style cheeseburger. No. So keep your head up, dude. I don't know what else to tell this guy.

Yeah, I just think that don't worry about being friend-zoned by people. Also, I think if you're in love with someone at homecoming, then you know what? You haven't really experienced love yet and that's fine too. Just be attractive to people. Be warm, open, funny, cool, confident. You don't have to worry about getting with girls. I think people are attracted to that kind of attitude and it's going to come your way. Yeah, just not trying so hard.

Well, that's kind of difficult advice because you try very hard, but your effort is spent masking your effort. Yeah, I try so fucking hard. You try so hard, but 50% of that is just seeming as though you're not trying. So it's like, I try really, really hard and then the other half of me tries really, really hard to mask that really, really hardness. It's crazy. I can't in good faith give that advice because I don't think anyone, I mean, at least not many people can do it. Right, it's hard to actually not give a shit. Right, so I think it's hard to give a shit and pretend to not give a shit.

I guess that's what everybody does. Yeah, you're constantly vacillating between giving a shit and pretending not to. Right, and just trying to hide how insecure you are and how much you want something. And the people that seem cooler are just the people that are better at hiding it. So I guess my advice is to at least just keep on smiling and laughing because then it will look like things don't bother you. Our advice is to hide it better. Hide it better. Yeah, and it's good to tell yourself, yes, I was rejected and that's going to happen.

I mean, everyone gets rejected. You're not friendzone, you're rejected and every rejection makes you a better person. I feel like this is the meanest advice we've ever given anybody. But it's good. We're number one just telling him over and over he was rejected, not good enough. And then we're being like, but it's fine, just lie-faking, smile even though you're sad. Well, this is sort of like, I mean, this has happened to me. I was rejected before and I sort of had to own it up, own up to it.

If you don't own up to it, then you're constantly sweeping it under the covers and then you never grow, I think. Right, so yeah, grow, it's okay that you're skinny. Keep on asking people out, keep on getting friendzoned or rejected. Dude, and honestly, I used to be skinny. I was not always this cut. I used to be this slender dude and people would look at me like... You're not skinny anymore, you're jacked now. That's not true.

Yes, it is. You're making these jokes, but you've been working out for a year and you had your biceps up. How dare you? Enough of this. You have big biceps. Get off of me. I'm going to take another picture. It's a me doing push-ups.

All right, this is enough. This public, the opposite of a public shaming, it's more embarrassing than... You've tried to shame yourself. It's more embarrassing than I tell you that you look good. You're trying to pretend like... You've made your point and you're done with it. Absolutely no more. Thank you.

And thank you guys for listening to this episode. Don't understand. The email address again if you want to write us in so that we can answer your questions. Slash make fun of you is IfIWereYouShowAtGmail.com. Thanks again to 20 Jeans for sponsoring and Hulu Plus for sponsoring this episode. We're also accepting theme song submissions. Every single episode has a new original theme song written by you. Yes, you.

Luke and Jacob, who wrote the outro? My goals. My first one was written by, what was his name? Cannon McClain Cannon. McClain Cannon. Name of the freaking year. We'll be back on Monday for another all-new episode. Thanks for listening, everybody.

Peace. Text me. No. I've been thinking of being here. Come on. Ha ha ha. We'll see. We'll see.

We'll see the cheese. All day you can see it.