If I Were You - 450: Reality TV (w/Karen Chee!)

Episode Date: August 31, 2020

Comedian Karen Chee joins us to discuss noisy neighbors, scary movies, and defining the relationship.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. No notes. Pretty cool. It was perfect. Karen, did you know that that was me and Jake singing? I know we had an amazing voice, but that was actually us singing. Yeah, no, I could tell immediately I was really moved. Yeah, it was sort of this.

I thought it actually, yeah, they auto-tuned it to perfection. Oh, you thought it was auto-tuned? I don't know. I was oddly impressed by our vocals. It shouldn't have been. I was like, I like this song. Yeah, I could have done it. It was auto-tuned. It truly sounded like you guys had recorded yourselves. And it did this person and they were like, OK, I'll send it right back.

Yeah, we should work with them on making a full album. I feel like that song, that song is like a pretty solid single, but we have other gems, I imagine. Yeah, I just, I don't necessarily have a lot more to say than that. Like, you know how an artist has to get like this pretty important message off his chest once every like 10 years, but they have to like make some other shit just for the commerce of it all. But I feel like that kind of said everything I needed to say if that makes sense.

And that's actually what makes us true artists, because that song was like real art, one and done. We don't need anything from it. Karen Chi, welcome to the podcast. Wait, I didn't say who wrote the song. Oh, I thought Karen brought that song on her own also. Brandon Peralta, a full-time producer and audio engineer from Brooklyn. His website is brandonparalta.com where you can find examples of his work.

I swear it's much more polished. I don't know, that felt polished to me. Yeah, that was a final on vinyl, if you ask me. You should ask him to send a more polished version of the song though. Thanks for sending us your first draft. I have a lot of other questions that could be turned into songs about shoving it in your ass right after class. Right after class, like you walk out and you put a fucking Jolly Rancher in your butt.

That's what the song's about. Would it get you high? Would it get you by? And would it get you by? I think it would. When did we make that song? Oh, sorry, go ahead. Let's move past the song and introduce Karen for sure. Karen Ryder for, remind me, this show's specific title. It's Late Night with Seth Meyers.

You've heard of that one. You work with our buddy Mike Carnell. Yes, I do. But right now you're in Korea. I am, yeah. Did they beat the coronavirus? Spoilers, I know you're 20 hours ahead, but I have to know. Did Korea beat the coronavirus?

I think not entirely, but mostly yes. I will say life is like 90% normal. I think you're still not allowed to have really massive gatherings. My friend, my cousin's friend went to like a show recently and it was like a musical theater show. And so I think most gatherings are okay. Everybody wears masks here and stuff. And there's like hand sanitizer and practically every building or elevator you walk into. So it feels like there's definitely a pandemic going on,

but no one is quite as nervous as at least I was when I was back in New York. But you wear a mask like every time you're outside and in another place. So like if you went to, would you go to a movie and wear a mask? Like movie theaters are open. I actually can't remember if movie theaters are open. I personally would not go to a movie theater just because I would be nervous the entire time. But I think, yeah, I like go to restaurants and stuff with my family. Everyone wears a mask outside.

You can't like get into public transportation or, you know, any kind of restaurant or anything without one. And people are pretty, I feel like everybody kind of gets it. Oh, that's cool. Does anybody like, I don't believe in masks because my president is Trump or something. Do they say that there? So my cousins who live in Seoul were saying that the only people they see not wearing masks are like white Americans. And you can tell they're American because they're speaking English really loudly. How'd they get into Korea?

How did those guys, those guys from fucking Wyoming get into Korea? Hey, what the hell are you all wearing a mask? They wrote a fucking Harley to Korea. From Huntington Beach, California. Orange County, Trump Country. They visited Seoul in July. And they were like, oh, this country is pretty good. Everyone keeps wearing this.

I don't agree with it. But yeah, and there was this like news thing that came up a few weeks ago, which I thought was really funny where the police kept being like, yeah, we saw these tourists and we kept giving them free masks and they just wouldn't put it on. I bet I know where they're from. You do you. Had to be Americans. How did they get in? Can I get in?

Can I go to Korea? Will you let me into Korea? Do you have to sign me in like it's a dining hall? Oh, it's open? Yeah. To Americans? To us? We're the worst ones.

We're the worst people in the world. I think South Korea is open to everybody, which is why the coronavirus hasn't been completely like tampered down. But basically, if you come, there's just like a two week mandatory quarantine where you have to be alone for two weeks in a facility. But after that, you're just out. Is that a jail? Yeah, no. It's not a jail unless you've like murdered someone, then you would go to jail first and very separate. Yeah.

And for longer than two weeks? Yeah. Yeah. Maybe like a year. Wow. Two week mandatory quarantine for murdering someone and also having maybe the coronavirus. Yeah. But they give you free food.

Wow, really? Uh-huh. In your quarantine, you get free food? Wow. That sounds like an upgrade over being quote unquote free in America. I could just chill. Is the actual staying there at this place also free? Is that paid for?

No, no, no. That one you have to pay for. But I think there's like, so I'm in this weird level of my dad is a Korean citizen, but I'm an American citizen. So I had to quarantine. I couldn't quarantine at a family's home. I had to quarantine like a separate apartment, but I didn't have to do one of the like government facilities. And so I did a separate apartment just because I thought it'd be easier to like live in for two weeks because I was also working at the time. And then the local government for the city just sent me this box of food for two weeks.

And it was, that was free. And it was amazing. And I was like, this is nuts because I don't even live here. Like I'm not a Korean citizen. So they're just giving away food to people who are coming to stay. Sometimes I feel like people think America is the best country because they just haven't heard enough stories about like other, like what other countries do, right? Like we just don't actually know anything. If we just had a little more information, we'd be like, oh, they do, they do one good thing at least.

That sounds pretty solid. Yeah. Yeah. In America, we had to sort of protest just to get unemployment benefits continued, which is just $300 a week. And we're begging for more. Meanwhile, in Korea, they're like, I know you're not a citizen, but you should probably eat, right? And they give you a box worth of two weeks worth of food. What's in that box? There was like, let me think, there was a lot of this thing.

It's like an instant rice thing. I don't know what it's actually called, but basically it's a little thing of rice and you put it in the microwave for a minute and then it just becomes rice you can eat. And then a bunch of little side dishes and a lot of like ramen and then these things called choco pies, which are desserts. It came with dessert. Yeah. It came with dessert. That's cool. Fuck this.

Hold on. I'm going to look at to see how much it will cost. Jake, we could do, I don't know, a show there or something. I don't know. We can find a way to write it off. But then we actually can do a show because they don't allow massive gatherings and we would probably get like eight people to go to the show. I would bring all my family members. All right.

A flight. Jake, how much do you think a round trip flight to Seoul costs? This is direct nonstop. From LA. Round trip from LA. 13 hour flight. I want to say $600 because I think it's going to be a deal. $800.

That's a really, really fucking cheap round trip because you got to imagine you're also getting. Yeah. You're getting free food too. Yeah. You're getting the food, which is like $800 worth divided by 14 days. It's like, I'll pay $30 a day for ramen. Then the flight's basically free. You can do it through Hawaii even.

It's actually a really good deal. It's like an all you can eat restaurant. Wow. Karen, let's do this podcast for sure, but then email me your address because I need a place to stay. I want to make sure that the Airbnb that we're getting is up to snuff. That's right. If you didn't finish everything from your box, you could drop it off because we'd have the ramen. That way we'd have extra.

Yeah. I think we'll be in the government one because we don't really know any citizens unless your father wants to vouch for you. We don't know anyone. Okay. Yeah. This is great. I know this guy.

All we need is your dad to say that he knows Amir and that should be good and qualify Amir for any of those benefits. That's great. All right. Cool. Okay. Sweet. Let's do this podcast, but yeah, I'm for sure coming to Korea tomorrow.

I see you. That's cool. Yeah. If you guys became like huge here, that would be amazing. That would be amazing. Huge and soul. I deserve that. That's my final form.

All right. But for now, I guess we'll answer some questions before this is an advice podcast. If I were you, the only advice podcast on the entire internet hosted by me, Jake, and my cousin, Karen. Nice. Nice. They can't kick us out of her family. Do you want a Harley?

Mr. Emperor, sir, if you're listening, I assure you Karen is my cousin. I, Amir Chi, am cousins with Karen. All right. So these are, as you know, Karen, real questions sent from real people. All we do is need a fake name to preserve their anonymity. Oh, for me? For you. I need a fake lady name from you.

Macintosh Tonkers. Wow. Wow. Did you write these before? Did you come up with them before? Was that on the spot? Nope. You couldn't tell.

It was on the spot. That was perfect. You did look down at and see your computer, which I assume is a Macintosh. Is that where that came from? That is actually, you know, I actually didn't realize that is what happened, but that's a hundred percent. I could have just called her like MacBook Air. Yeah.

Well, I'm curious where talkers came from. And I really liked that as a last name. Thank you. Is it because we're all talking? No. Yeah. In my mind, it was supposed to be Tonkers. Yeah.

Yeah. That's what I heard too. Me too. But I also love talkers. She could be anybody and we love her. All right. Cool. Macintosh writes, due to the whole global pandemic thing, I've been working from home

since mid-March. It took some getting used to, but I like it for the most part, but there's one problem. My neighbor has a large dog that barks almost nonstop while she's gone. I live in an apartment with walls that are made of paper and offer no buffer between myself and this barking dog. It's driving me crazy. I'm already stressed due to an increased workload and having an incessant barking as the soundtrack to my workday isn't helping.

I'm super non-confrontational to a fault. And I like the idea of talking to my neighbor about it, but it kind of freaks me out. So what would you do if you were in the situation? Do I need to just grow a pair and talk to her or get a better pair of headphones? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. You guys are the best. Love Macintosh. Okay.

So it's all pair-related advice. Yeah. Pair of headphones or pair of huevos. Yeah. Either way, she's growing something in twos. Karen, have you ever dealt with this? You live in New York, right? Yeah.

I do. I've actually, I've never dealt with that before. What about just an annoying neighbor in general? Yeah. A loud neighbor, a bad neighbor. No, I feel like we've been the bad neighbor before, but I don't, I don't, yeah. Are you guys ever out of a bad neighbor? When I first moved to New York, my neighbor that I lived above was like a garbage man,

like a, like a, like an asshole worker. Oh, well, that's you. But like, I think I was like 20 years old, just moved to New York city. I was living by myself on the Upper East Side because I knew nothing about New York and I was like, oh, I guess like I heard of the Upper East Side. I like had a studio in the Upper East Side and, and, uh, this guy, like just, it was like nine PM. It was not that late, but he woke up so early.

This sounds like, I, this is a terrible story. I'm like the most privileged piece of shit, but he, I didn't know what was going on because like it's early. So I, there's a knock on my door and I opened it and he just started screaming at me because I was like, I had been walking across the floor of my apartment and every time I walked, he got so mad because he's trying to go to sleep because he has to wake up at like three in the morning, which I get, but I was, I was petrified because anytime I fucking stepped, he would get so, he happened like a couple of times a month, you know, like it got to

the point where I had to give him my number and then he would text me if, uh, if I had to be quiet. He's like very old. So he wouldn't ever text like, Hey, can you keep it down? He would just like text quiet. Anyway, I had such bad anxiety about just like, I would, I'd like, I would try to just like scrape my feet across the floor. If I had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night because he was so sensitive.

Yeah. Aren't there like some rules where it's like, you have to have your apartment covered in carpeting or something. If there's a neighbor complaining, I remember like some rule like that in college. It's like, Oh, you have to keep 85% of your upstairs. If you're like in the upstairs unit covered in carpeting, cause that like dampens the noise. But basically to him, you were the asshole neighbor.

I think to everyone listening to that story, I was also the asshole neighbor. There's not really another side to it. And you were wearing the crocs indoors, right? The clogs that you have. I had a pair of wooden, like croc tap shoes, so they should have been soft. Have you seen that commercial that I can't remember any of the specifics, so this is going to go bad. Great.

I can't wait. I can't wait to hear this. So that's all you can say. Have you seen that commercial? I don't remember anything about it. Have you? How specific can we get? Can we get there?

That like family in a house complaining about their, it's, they're setting it up to make it seem like, have you guys heard about those loud people that use a word that I can't remember? And it's like word play, so then it pans to this family that's all tap dancing, I want to say, or in clogs in the floor above them. Do you know? That does sound vaguely familiar. I'll say it was a Doritos commercial. Okay.

Perfect. Cause that's how loud the crunch was. I have no recollection of that commercial, but that was about me and my neighbor cause I was tap, I was tap dancing in clogs. Yeah. That was the year you were also trying to learn how to Olly on your skateboard. So you bring a new board home every night and see if you could kick flip. That's right.

So I had these wooden vans and I would Olly and the trucks were just smashing against the floor. You know, I also garbage man, I have another experience with this in, like I've been the loud neighbor plenty of times, but a recent very relevant experience. I fostered a dog in like 2013 and I didn't know this, but the dog had separation anxiety. Like I knew she would whine and be sad when I left and I knew she would be really happy when I got home, but I did not know that the, that she would cry and bark the entire time I was gone.

And my neighbor told me and he was super friendly cause he loved dogs and he was like, I felt I just feel really bad for her. She's like really sad when you're not there. Maybe he's also telling me that I was being loud, but I feel like this is something that people would want to know as a dog owner. If a dog has separation anxiety and it's miserable when you're not in the house. It's interesting. Yeah.

Yeah. So you say, so you say, oh, by the way, I'm sorry to tell you that your dog has terrible separation anxiety. She's barking all night. I guess she's sad that you're not there or are you just there all the time and she's just a stupid, loud little mutt. Well, he wouldn't say it like that. This lady specifically says in her question that, that the dog barks while this lady's

away. Right? Yeah. Okay. Or quote all the time, but that's classic separation anxiety. But yeah. Would you, you think she would rather have the dog in her apartment and not make any noises or not have the dog in her apartment and then just hear the barking?

Fascinating. Cause then you can offer to dog sit. Oh man. I feel like if you offered a dog sit, you should also be paid as a dog sitter. Right? So maybe if this person is willing to do that, that would be good. But also I feel like I've dog sat before and if I'm new to the dog, the dog will still bark the first couple of days and I don't know how long the dog would adjust for, you

know what I mean? Right. The dog just is in your apartment barking at you. Yeah. At you directly. But at least you're getting $50 a day to deal with it, whereas right now it's a little more faint, but she's not getting any cash for it. I feel like what Jake is saying is sure, I think good owner would definitely want to

know. I feel like I want to know anytime I'm being annoying to somebody. And if I feel like I'm not being annoying to anybody, my brain will be like, you are being annoying. Yeah. I was going to say something at the intermission, but I'll let you know during the break. You're just doing something really fucking annoying, but we could talk about it offline. I don't know.

I shouldn't have brought it up. Ideally, I want to know if I'm being annoying, but more than that, I want to know constantly that I'm not being annoying. If I don't hear anything, I'll assume that someone hates me. So I need somebody to be like, hey, you're good. You're doing good. I love you. And then even then it's something.

Yeah. That's not enough. Sometimes that's not quite enough either. Yeah. It's like during an hour long meeting, I'd say you're doing great nine times and then you're like, it's been five minutes and you haven't said anything. Am I annoying to you? Am I barking at you?

And then I start barking. Yeah. I start barking at you. That's what I usually do. I like to be the polite person that's like, I'll all fucking dogs at your dog if you want. And then it's like you're offering to do this person a favor by telling them that their dog is really annoying and loud.

That is cool. Yeah. And you definitely got to get paid. But then you could also, another idea, is cook something really thin like bacon or like little thin doggy treats and just sort of slip those under the door. So the dog is constantly happy and eating. Cook thin doggy treats? Yeah.

Is that your advice? You latched on to like one weird thing that I said in the entire. That was half of it. You said cook thin doggy treats or cook thin bacon. So I said, yeah, I latched on to the dog treats one. I was trying to fucking make something that will slide under the door. Okay. Let's not focus on the thin thing.

Imagine a dog treats so thin it can go under a door or be like Karen. Like Karen speak. Why don't you like Karen speak for a fucking second? Okay. Sorry. I do. All right. What's your thin advice?

Well, my concern is that like if this is a door going into an apartment, the door would be really close to the ground. So the thinness of this tree, we're back on the thinness. Literally. Everyone's coming at me for not even wafer. Yeah. Like a liquid. Yeah.

Like Alex. That's not bad. Style going through a doorway. It has to turn into a water, a porridge. That's not bad. You could do bacon grease because that's thin enough to be injected with like a syringe. Yeah. And then they open the door and you're like, huh, I didn't know you were home.

Fuck. I was trying to bake a thin tree. What? I thought this through. I baked something thinner and then eventually landed on bacon grease. I baked something else, but it was too thick for the door. Help. All right.

Is offering dog sitting, is that the best solution? I think there's another option where you can break into the house and then feed the dog throughout the day and then out of the house under way back to your home. Yeah. Yeah. So you're saying break and enter, but just to feed a dog. So it's like illegal, but then what you're doing is ultimately fine. Yeah.

I will say I think all three of us are coming across as really non-confrontational because there's the very obvious option of just talking to this lady. I would never. Yeah. I'm very conflict averse. I would move before I talk to the neighbor about the dog. That's what I would do. Okay.

I think I would just talk to her. That's nice. I mean, that's the smart thing to do. That's the rational thing to do. It's the mature, yeah. But she's asking specifically what we would do. So that's. That's a good point.

Yeah. Leave a note. Leave a note. Not even talk. Just leave a note. I'd be on Zillow. I'd be on Craigslist. Yesterday.

Yeah. Is that why you moved so much in New York? Yeah. Yeah. Every six months. I couldn't take thin enough treats. I tried and tried. All right.

Let's thank some sponsors. Take a break and we'll be back with more questions and answers with Karen after these messages. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift.

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easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah. Frame. How we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant.

We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. Oh, I was just being goofy a little bit like, uh, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant.

Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool.

And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. Uh, so you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app.

Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. You deserve that.

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And we're back. Aaron, do you have any? Oh, it's a listening device. Oh, I'm coming. Gross. Sorry about that. We have guests. Yeah.

Thank you. I have a solicited advice. Yes. I have recently been doing a lot of re-watching and re-reading things and that's been really calming and helpful. So instead of finding new things to sink your teeth into, you're like, I know what this is. It's great.

And here I am consuming it again. Yes. I will also say I feel like I get, anytime I watch a new movie, I get very stressed out anytime there's conflict. So to begin with it, like, would have stressed me out to watch something new. So I've been going back and re-watching stuff. I recently re-watched Paddington 2, which was very stressful the first time I watched Paddington goes to jail, but this time I was like, I know he's going to jail and I know

he's getting out of jail. This is going to be a great time. Yeah. Are you? You ruined Paddington 2 for me. Now I'm stressed out. No, I just made it for you. I love, no, I love, that's right, I actually, because, you know, I'm also conflict-averse.

I loved the first Paddington and I was watching the second Paddington and I had to leave. I don't know how I had to go and be in like the middle of a movie, but I, there's something very therapeutic and calming about just like a teddy bear in London. I love it. Yeah. Wait, you went to the theater and you left in the middle of it? No, I was watching it with Jillian one evening and that's actually quite enough about my love life.

I'm just wondering what happened that year. Did she left, did Jillian also leave or did she? No, she stayed at home. I needed to have a walk, but I really, I'd really not rather, I'd rather not get Was it because Paddington went to jail and you're like, I have to blow off some steam? This is stressing me out. No, it was because of the argument that we got in during dinner and I was sort of stewing and then it all boiled over during the film, but I really don't want to get too deep into

my marriage and stuff. What was the, what was the fight about, the dinner-based fight that spilled over into the mood? It was just that I don't do a lot of the cooking or the prep work or the cleaning. I don't pull my own weight, I don't pay for the food and she sort of went in on me for that and I resented it and it boiled over, but I don't want to talk about my marriage. It ended up like spilling over past the movie because he seems like he just went on a walk instead of talking to her about it.

It didn't get any better. I went on a long walk. I was gone for two and a half days and we haven't spoken about it since, okay? I don't want to get into this. I don't want to hash this out. You're married? Yeah. What have you been, we got a divorce, but I'd rather not get into my divorce on the podcast,

Karen. Now, what are you rereading? Because you mentioned reading as well. Well, I recently reread a bunch of like Nora Efron essay collections that I'd read a few years ago, which I also really liked because they don't have much plot to them because they're like very just short essays and they're very funny and my brain is just dumb enough that it forgets all jokes and anything and will only remember the general plot. So when I was really perfect, I was like, oh, I vaguely remember her like complaining

about something or writing a list about something, but everything else felt like new and delightful. That's perfect. What do you feel like is happening to your brain when there's like, when you're rewatching something familiar versus, I guess, not watching something new, but like just doing something entirely different, like what does that do for you? For me, it feels almost like, you know, I've ever wished you could like nap, but then stay conscious the whole time. Yes.

I mean, to like fully luxurious like a lucid dream. Yeah. But not even dream. Just be like, wow, I'm sleeping and I don't have to do anything like that's my dream. And that's sort of how I feel rewatching something and knowing exactly what's going on. Right. It's like a zen. It's like meditation almost for sure, except if I think if I actually try to meditate

I would fall asleep. Right. Yes. Then we agree. That makes sense. Yes. So your dream is to dream in a way. Yes.

And would you say your biggest nightmare is to have the biggest nightmare? It's that a teddy bear goes to jail for a crime and then commit. Actually, yes. Wait. So have you guys heard this book called A Burning by Mega Majumdar? Yes. No. I loved it.

But we're scholars. It just came out like a month ago. Sorry. The only reason I brought it up is that. Yeah. Yeah. A month ago. Shut up dude.

You just read it. It's very good. It's very stressful. And there's a part where somebody goes to jail that's like not a spoiler happens pretty early on. And I truly rewatch Paddington to after I read this book because I was like, I want something similar, but that makes me feel better. You know, I've been reading this book series because I'm also a reader just like you.

Yes. Have you read it? Have you read? Sorry. What's the book Jake? Have you read this book? Karen, it's actually really fast. The Burning.

What's the book? The Burning. Yeah. Have you read The Burning? Yeah. It came out a month ago. It was really good. Someone goes to jail.

I just finished a book that came out yesterday. I forget the title because I've already read a few books since then, but I think it's called The Fappening. What happened? Why that book? All of the books you could have made up. Kind of an interesting peer into a certain socioeconomic status that it's a little hard to explain.

What book were you talking about Jake? No, it's evidently it's impossible to explain. You haven't even touched on it next month. You haven't come here. I can't read. I cannot read. We both know. You get that.

But look, my book thing aside, I feel like I've also been getting a similar thing happening in my brain from watching reality TV, which I never watched pre-pandemic, but I have found that some of the shows that I used to watch that have death and violence and all that stuff, that's hard for me. It winds me up too tight when I'm watching, so it's been very therapeutic to watch mindless reality shows about people fixing houses. You know every time there's a conflict, we're like, this wall is actually structural. That's going to be solved.

It's going to be fine. They're going to have a nice house at the end because that's what happens all the time. That's really nice. What is this show called? Well, there's a couple. Grand Designs is my favorite one. It's British. It's incredible.

It's like property brothers where they make a house in seven days. It's like that except it's tracking someone's progress that they're doing everything themselves and it's over the course of several years sometimes. You're watching the seasons change and they're always making their houses in the country in England. It's very pleasurable. Oh, that's awesome. I highly recommend.

That's very cool. Are you guys done talking about books? Can we fucking talk about real shit for now? I was talking about reality TV. I was talking about television. All right, but not specifically the shows that I watch. What do you watch? That's a good question.

There's this show called Spum Island on Spice Channel. So basically it's a bunch of porn stars that sort of get together and they'll like Spum Island and it's like, yeah, the goal of the show, the crux of the episode specifically is 69 their way off this, not really an island, but more of a peninsula. Jake is puking water. Jesus, man, get a hold of yourself. They're on a peninsula, they're on a peninsula and they have to 69 to get off of it. Yeah, in a way, in a way, yes, sort of like that.

It's hard to explain because a lot of it is character based. Yeah, and it's an only fair and exclusive. You explained it so easily, so quickly. Well, right now it's just a pilot presentation that I worked on, but yeah, hopefully coming soon. Wait, are you in it? I'm not in it per se, though I do play a furry, kind of like a cameraman slash guy who's a toilet when necessary.

So in the pilot, it comes up a few times that one of the starlets takes, yeah, for lack of a better term. Try, no, no, no, before you say it, before you say it, try to find a better term. Just try to find a better term. I don't like fur. Yeah, she'll shit in my suit is what I was going to say. Yeah. And that will.

You didn't search for a better term. And that'll happen as like an act break or whatever, even though there's not necessarily a commercial, if that makes sense. Excuse me, can I just, just one second, because Karen asked if you were in it and then you said no, but they shit in your mouth, leading it to commercial. So you're not. It sounds like you're, it sounds like you're the star. You're like, you're on the creator.

I'm like the sort of visioneer, like the Ed Harris and the Truman Show, almost. Also, you said they were act breaks, but there's no commercials commercials. Yes. Yeah. Thanks for bringing that up. Yeah. Written very formally. Yeah, it's written in a very sort of classical three act structure.

It's a lot like Pride and Prejudice or a bunch of the books that I read growing up. And so it's divided in that very specific fashion where, I mean, there's only 11 kinds of stories, right? A hero's quest, 69 to get off a peninsula, a buddy comedy, forging ahead, memory lane. The second one you said is what? 69 to get off a peninsula. That's the one we actually ended up, that's the one we landed on, if you could believe it or not.

Wow. Wow. Yeah. So we sort of sunk our teeth. This is me and my great uncle, who were like pitching the show together. He's a Hollywood, old Hollywood guy. Old Hollywood? Anyway.

How old Hollywood? Because he's like great uncle. Yeah, he's great uncle. Like, oh, you mean? How old is he? He's my grandfather. He's my grandfather's younger brother. So that is, yeah, that's your great uncle.

It's not, I mean, I'm sure he's an excellent uncle, but he's also, he's your great uncle. Yeah, he's my great uncle. He's a bad uncle, but he's my great uncle. Yeah. He's younger than me, you know, a weird way. What? Yeah. So my grandfather had me, had you when I was, he was 30, yeah, he was 36.

Your grandfather didn't have you. That's your dad then, buddy. Yeah. So my dad had me at 18. My grandfather was 36 when I was born, and he had a younger brother who was born a year after me. Whoa. I remember.

I had a kid's 37 years apart, 18 and 56. That makes sense. It makes less sense than you getting shit in your mouth between act breaks of a commercialist show, about 60, 90 to get off of a peninsula. Your life is sad and tortured and insane. It's demented. Oh. I'm fully, fully on board now.

We got another. Karen's invested in it. She doesn't even like conflict. Yeah. Karen has to read the Wikipedia page. Yeah. You have to figure out how it ends before you watch it so you can enjoy it stress free. Do you ever do that with movies?

That's how I watch any sort of scary movies. I will read it before and then I will go and watch it. That's what I did for Get Out and I did that for Parasite. Does it ruin any of those movies? No. I think if I went in not knowing that tension would ruin the movie for me already. So it's better for me to know going in. What is that?

You didn't see, did you watch Parasite? I did watch Parasite and I watched it. That is, oh man, I mean, that's an anxiety inducing movie. Yes. Really tough. I do, I do the same exact thing where I read a Wikipedia page about like a scary movie and then I never see it because I sometimes just like want to know the ending, but I don't, I get nothing from watching scary movies.

They just scare me. That is, yeah, that's like pretty much the same except the only scary movies I've seen are Parasite, Get Out, and then I also used to include Harry Potter 3 in there and then eventually I was like. That's a scary movie. Yeah. Because it spooked me. But now I'm like, I have to stop saying this and I feel too old.

Which one is the, which one is Harry Potter 3 where there's like Serious Black or something? Yeah. And then the Dominicans. Those are, those are pretty scary. That's like a fucking crazy little hell that they suck people into, right? Yes. It's like being scared and it like feels like it lasts forever. It's.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And they like suck. It's like a hell prison. Out of your face. Yeah. It was horrifying.

Yeah. I could imagine that being scary. I mean, not a scary movie, but still. Thank you. All right. Let's get to one last question before we run out of time here. Ready? Okay.

We just need another lady's name. Barbara Knees Her. That's a sentence. Barbara Knees Her. It's actually it's a double barrel last name. Got it. So and K N E S. Oh.

Barbara Knees Her. Yeah. Okay. K N E S hyphen. And then this is the plot twist. It's very German. So it's E R R O U G H. Whoa.

Classic German last name. But that one's, it's silent at the, the E O U G H at the end. You don't pronounce that or you do. You don't pronounce it. Germans are famously quiet about some things. So. Yeah. That's what they're known for.

Okay. Barbara writes, I'm a 22 year old bachelorette, but trying as hard as I can to change that. I've been talking to this guy who's also 22 for about for a year as of this September. Before COVID struck, we went on a handful of dates and partook in some sexy nights. But back in March, he explained that while he liked me, he wasn't ready to commit to a relationship, which is fine. I respected his wishes and let it go. But just a couple months later, I get a message asking if I would be interested in dating

and apologizing for his indecisiveness. Kind of a shock, but I'm an absolute simp for him. So we started talking again with clearer intentions. I have made him baked goods, curated a stellar playlist with hand-drawn cover art, gotten him gifts, and even stayed at his house for three days. I really like it. I like him, and I make it pretty obvious. It's been like two months since we started talking again, and I feel like the natural

next step is to become exclusive, but I feel like since he came to me, I should leave the task of formalizing our relationship to him, and that if I did it, I might be stealing his thunder in some sort of way. What do you think? Should I bite the bullet and ask him if he's ready to move into the next stage, or just keep riding the high of talking to the guy I like and be patient? Thank you. Love.

Barbara. Knees. Ho. What do you think, Karen? Right? I feel like if you are, I think regardless of what the situation is, if you're trying to start a relationship with somebody, it should be based on being very straightforward about your feelings, and so even if she's like, hello, I would like to be exclusive and very official

with you, and he's like, ah, I actually don't know, that's much better to know now than later on. Yeah. And I think that's really stealing his thunder, and I hate to have my thunder stolen. Yeah. Actually, yeah. I bet if she brings it up, he'll be like, I was going to ask you and you stole my thunder. My thunder!

I feel like I've been this 22-year-old guy, and what's going on in his mind is like, I just won't ever bring it up, and then it'll either happen or not, or whatever. We'll see. And she's like, I just wanted to make this official step and become exclusive, so I feel like he's not waiting to do this special thing, and I don't think he'll think you're stealing his thunder, but I do think he's kind of a passive. Oh yeah, I guess he's been, he is maybe passive, but I've also been in the position that she's in where I'm like desperately liking somebody and just want them to say that they love me

like way too early. So like, I'm on board with Karen's idea of being straightforward. I feel like there's a way to do it where you're not like, what are we? That doesn't feel like, it produces some weird thing in me to be like, I want you to make a decision, you know? But to be like, you can just bring it up. You can start a conversation and say, what are you thinking about this? Are you seeing anybody else?

Do you want to be exclusive? And not really be like, what's the definition of what we're doing? It's also like kind of dangerous to be promiscuous right now, so I feel like it's extra okay to be like, are you fucking anybody else? I really need to know. Yeah, not because of this relationship, just because of coronavirus reasons. I also feel like there's definitely a world in which he thinks this is exclusive and has thought this has been exclusive the whole time.

And so if she approaches it weirdly, being like, hey, it's okay if we're not just FYI, he could be like, what the heck, you've been my girlfriend this whole time. Yes, that's so true. Right, framing that's in her mind right now, which is like, I want to say stuff and he doesn't. And what does this mean? It assumes a lot on his part. He could totally just be like, yeah, she sleeps over for three days at a time, she makes me

bake goods, she made me a mixtape, that's my girlfriend. Some people aren't conversation people because there's those different love languages. Mine is words of affirmation. And I need to hear multiple times that somebody is my girlfriend for me to be like, okay, good that it's official. And I'll say I love you every time we leave a room. And that's how I'll know. And sometimes if I go to work and I say I love you and you don't say anything, then I feel

like we're breaking up. So, ciao. Welcome to your living nightmare. These are your vows. A great way to establish this is if she asks them like, hey, how do you best want to be spoken to you or like affirmed? That actually, it sounds cheesy, but I bet that works really well. Yes.

So what's the question specifically? I mean, you just have a conversation about love languages or Karen, you said how do you like to be affirmed? Yeah, which I actually in hindsight, what a weird question. Don't ask that. Well, I don't know where it feels weird. Yeah. Quick question.

I totally realize I don't know how do you like to be affirmed? I'm ordering a pizza. We'll do half pepperoni and half mushrooms. If you don't feel like having feet, how do you like to be affirmed? Well, what's that topping wise? How do you how do you want me to be like that? I respect you and I'm exclusive with you. And do you like extra cheese?

I made you a mix CD. Should I address it to my lover, my boyfriend or just my main bitch? That's a ludicrous lyric. I would never use that word in the wrong or in the right. I don't think it's mine to use. And I'm actually offended you set me up, Karen. Yeah, well, I'm actually offended you used that word. Really?

Well, I guess Jake's at fault here. I do. Jake laughed at this whole thing, which I think is more offensive than anything I've ever said. The whole 69 Island thing. It's a 69 Island. You have to 69 the peninsula, like is it a physical thing or is it you six nine with another person?

If you're 69, it's actually enough. You both get to leave the peninsula. Yes, OK, thank you, Karen. These are all buying questions. That's because I'm trying to sell this pilot in the room. Shelly, let me take this because I feel like I can close the deal in the Zoom. Imagine rolling down a hill in the but off a peninsula. And you're sixty ninety.

This has to be a direct 20 episode order, otherwise we're walking. I have a cousin at Quibi, so don't think I can't walk this across the Zoom. I had a great grand nephew at Hulu, who is 28, but doesn't look like a day of your family trees. So fucked up, it's a circle. Your family tree is a weed, a tumbleweed. All right, so have a conversation with him. I don't think we don't think that he's saving it for a special occasion

and that you're stealing his thunder. No, I also feel like you could totally. When I was saying to you when I and I was dating other twenty two year olds, I feel like ever nobody wanted to commit at that age. You know what I mean? So there's a world in which she brings it up. He's like, no, and it hurts, but it's so much better to know now and get out of there than like grow really attached to this person and have him be like,

actually, I have six other women I'm seeing. Yeah, right. Knowledge is better than limbo. Wow, that's a powerful phrase. Knowledge is better than. Thank you. It's the slogan for 69 peninsula. And I just got a series order in the Zoom.

We did you just steal that idea away from a mirror and then sell it? That's right. Oh, well, that's well done. Now let's limbo. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Knowledge is better than doing this. Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. That was fun.

Thanks for coming by, Karen. Thank you for having me. Is there anything you want to promote? Oh, no, but I appreciate the offer. Wow. Literally anything. That's a fucking power play. That's fucking awesome.

Facebook live. I, I'm on Twitter. You can follow me on Twitter. Yeah, I've been reading a lot of Redwall feasts. Do you guys know this account? No, it's great. So I would like to promote this account that I'm actually not related to in any way. It's called Redwall feasts and people just post or it's this bot that posts

new versions of the food that they used to talk about in Redwall, the like Children's Book series. And it sounds amazing. Oh, OK. I've never heard of that Children's Book series. Oh, wait. OK. So OK. So oh, this is exciting.

Redwall is like, it's like a thing of dinner. It's like, I may explain this so badly. It's like that commercial. It's a bunch of little animals that live in fields in England and there's an abbey called Redwall Abbey. It was like a massive series and they all like go to war against each other. But the people in the abbey or the animals in the abbey are like the good animals and they also have little feasts.

And the author does a really good job describing the food. And it's usually like pages and pages of food descriptions before it gets to any sort of plot or character. This is incredible. I'm looking at it right now. I never even knew about Redwall, but this is right up my alley right next to Paddington. All right, sweet. And what is what is your Twitter?

My Twitter is just my name. It's Karen Chi, but with an extra E at the end. Cool. Karen Chi. So check her out for that Redwall retweet. Shit. Yes. Opening theme song was written by. Oh, I forgot his name. Do you guys remember?

He had a really good name. Wow. Great memory. Thank you. And Peralta. How did you remember that? My God, I can't remember that. And then like nothing else that I was trying to talk about. Yeah. You just passed that Donald Trump dementia test. I gave you a name an hour ago.

Man, camera, TV. And I had it right there, right off the bat. Brandon Peralta, that's right. And this closing one was written by God, some Australian guy. Hold on. I have his name. Oscar. Oscar Joe. Karen knows that name too. Yeah.

I'm not sure if this has been parodied yet, but I parodied Czech. Yes, Juliet, for if I were you, I'm a mega pop punk fan. And he's in a pop punk trio down here in Australia called Sal and the Mandas. Oh, my God, can I join the band? Can we make a quartet, please? Well, he's nothing.

I've never wanted nothing like anything more in my life than to be in a pop punk band in Australia. Fuck. It's already a trio. You can't join the trio is done. Well, he's starting to do his quartets. He's starting to do his own stuff and his Instagram is it's Oscar Joe with links to his Spotify. So if you like this theme song,

check out it's Oscar Joe on his Instagram for links to his Spotify. All right. Thanks for everyone. That's written in a question or theme song. You can do that all to if I were you show at gmail.com. And thanks to Karen for making time. I assume it's five in the morning there in Korea. Yeah, plus another five hours. It's 10 a.m. It's a very good time to be awake.

All right, perfect. Have a great day today. Damn. Thank you. Have a great evening. Thank you. And thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back as soon as possible. Bye, everybody.