If I Were You - 451: Off the Grid

Episode Date: September 8, 2020

In this episode we discuss Jake's recent trip, his bad back, and how to deal with a Muay Thai partner who won't cut his nails.For more of us on a podcast, check out THE HEADGUM PODCAST on the Headgum network.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, and I felt blue, I'd listen to a show by two Koi Jews, need some advice? Just ask these guys, Jake and Amir Valbloom, if I were you, but I'm not you. Time was picked for this thick dick, makes the chicks, oh, oh, why? SICK! If you were me, oh shit, you probably, get the turdy, so listen here closely, if I were you, I'd listen to the dang best head come crew, Jeff and Riley's review review. I mean them, the Game Boy, and his furry friend, a cute little chip monkey. Congratulations to Jake on his thousandth golden mic.

You really earned this one, Josh, good on you mate. If I were you, and I felt blue, I'd listen to Jake and Amir Shmuelbloom, they give advice, whether they're wrong or right, whether you're straight by queer or gay, they'll tell you, it's okay, don't kill yourself in eight. And for here comes the Jedi press play. If I were you, ass. Holy shit, that was really impressive. Welcome to If I Were You, an advice podcast, Amir.

The energy is so high, it was at such a pitch, you can't, with that lead in. I forget who wrote it. One of them by saying their name. John or some shit, probably. No, they'll say it was some shit, probably. It's a popular name, so it's likely. All right, it was incredible. Oh, it was actually pretty close.

His name is Jay from Australia. Yes, very nice. I thought I heard that Aussie accent sneak in there a couple times. That's right. He's a TV and news producer who's occasionally on screen, and this was an Avenue Q theme song submission. Jesus, what an amazing song he made for us. All right, I was trying to figure out what kind of genre of music that was. So what would you call that?

What genre of music is Avenue Q? Broadway, musical, theater. A play on children's musicals as well, though? Yeah, it's like Puppet Sesame Street's bombastic musical style. That was really perfect. It makes me want to pitch a TV show where we host this show, but it's like Cranky Acres style. We're puppets. And there's like puppet reenactments.

Oh, that's cool. So instead of us, I just stick my hand up like a puppet's ass, and it's just like... I think maybe at this point, maybe you wouldn't be involved. Because of the... I said I don't want to stick my hand up a puppet's ass. I feel like we have the library and we don't necessarily need you anymore. Well, you need someone who's talented with regards to fisting. Yeah, we can use the old episodes.

There's like 500 episodes, and you're... I mean, you're going a little... I used to be funny. Yeah, but now you're a little crass, and now you're just talking a lot about putting your hand in the puppet's ass. And I don't... I'd like to fist Elmo, if probable. I feel like this doesn't help us in the room or the Zoom with the network execs on the days for all the marbles. I don't want you pitching by my side.

Not like that. Let me shout out this guy's Instagram. Fine. Chemcage, K-E-M-C-A-G-E. Chemcage. Chemcage, cool name. Throw him a follow. I'll follow him.

He's earned it. He deserves it. Yeah, I'll say that. I love following people from Australia. It's always a different time of season there. So when I'm cold and I see my friends on Australia and Instagram, I'm like, damn, it's 100 degrees there. You're going to the beach.

That's awesome. Shouldn't there be like in like when time zones, there's like a whole gradient. It's not like here, it's noon and there, it's midnight. So basically like when it's summer here in winter in Australia, there should be like a fucking country like, I don't know, fucking Portugal or some shit where it's fall. You know what I mean? Like I'm serious, like during Ecuadorian spring, it should be our summer. Like they're just like three months ahead or behind or in fucking, I don't know, Bolivia or Ecuador or some shit.

I mean, you made your point so you don't have to keep on naming. It can be. Yeah, I'm just thinking about a different country and season. It's autumn in Estonia. Yeah, but it's fall here. So it's the same season, but we call it something else. Yeah, autumnal is a little bit. I feel like autumnal is kind of like the middle of it.

You know, fall is like just the beginning. Fall is started. Yeah, I guess it's like if you're on the equator, it should never vary. Like if you're above it, it gets really long days, short nights like Iceland. But if you're on the equator, shouldn't it always be like 12 hour days, 12 hour nights and the same temperature? I think it is. Okay, no further questions. Welcome to If I Were You, geography podcast.

We sort of waxed about Ecuador. We should have that puppet show. We should have a children's puppet show where we tell people that it should be fucking spring in Bangkok. Okay. Yeah, Thailand specifically. And then it's, I don't know, summer in, did you already say Estonia? Yeah, I did. I said Estonia.

We're out of countries that we know, just like that. But that's still fine. We'll teach kids about latitude, longitude, seasons and time zones on If I Were You, the only show where we put our hands in a puppet's ass. I am the Tropic of Capricorn because I am a Capricorn. And you, the Tropic of Cancer, because you are a cancer to this show. You ruin it all the time with a puppet's ass thing. What was that? I was doing you a solid with a callback for one of your jokes.

You're back on the grid. You were off the grid for about a week. I haven't spoken to you in a week because you were, like you said, off the grid. I left the grid. What does that entail and how off the grid were you? I was on an island in Maine called Vinylhaven. It is vinyl. Vinyl?

Vinyl, like vinyl? No, it's V-I-N-A-L. I looked this up while I was there. It was just named for a guy that lived in the town named John Vinyl. Okay. And it's called Vinylhaven. It's next to Northhaven, which interestingly is the town in Connecticut where I grew up. But Northhaven is its own island in Maine.

Anyway, that's neither here nor there. I think it's like a five or six or seven hour drive to Rockland, Maine. And an hour and 15 minute ferry out into the Penobscot Bay in Maine. And I was docked on an island. When you arrived, did you say, oh, we're finally here? At long vinyl last. Did you make jokes like that? I forgot to do any vinyl jokes, actually.

Because you were off the grid? Yeah, I was off the grid. I didn't have to be on. I didn't have to hit anyone with those zingers, those epic zingers that I'm sure the lobster men have all heard already. Yeah. Because you're not like trying to entertain anyone. You're off the grid at this point.

You don't need to be funny. No. But I mean, we did a show there. I did a show. I did a solo show. What? 3,000 people in a lobster boat. No way.

Did you do that? That's improbable. There's no fucking way. There's not even 3,000 people on vinyl haven. Did you say it was? Yeah, I think maybe the year round population is like 1,800 or something like that. Okay, so you arrived at vinyl haven. You check your phone.

No bars, some bars, but you're just trying not to look at it. Wi-Fi, no Wi-Fi. There were bars in town. And there were bars even just out on the bay. You can, on the boat, the entire time I had surfaced. And then on the island, we drove for 20 minutes through vinyl haven and ended up on this even smaller island that you could take a bridge to, but it was called Dyer's Island.

And on Dyer's Island, there's like 10 houses on it. And there, I sometimes had a single bar of service, and most of the time I had nothing. And that's where you slept and hung out mostly? Yeah, that's where we slept. That's where we hung out mostly. There were a couple of days where we went out onto the water, where we like went out to some hikes.

There was one hike where we went up and like at the top of the mountain, I just like started getting slacks, texts, emails, all of them coming in. I went on airplane mode. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. Finally, you're at the top of Wi-Fi Island. You can get all the alerts. Nice.

Yes. That's that shit I'm talking about. You're back on the grid. You can start saying shit like that. No, it's true. Yeah. I wish I had that one line or that zinger for the lobster boat. I feel like I would have killed.

So you get all these alerts and texts. Are you like, fuck, I can't look at this or you're like, all right, I'm back in my hut on the beach and I don't have service now, but at least I can see what I've missed. Or you're like, no, I'm trying to actively not see what I've missed. Yeah. In that moment, I cleared everything and went on airplane mode. There were other times like in the morning when I would go to town,

I'd like see some stuff. I never responded to anything while I was there, maybe like one or two Slack messages that you had sent or something. But for the most part, I like saw things come in and I saw someone who I had asked to cover for me, announced that they were covering, and something was handled. So I never ever looked at my phone. I was like, shit, I have to do something, you know.

Right. And then did you have like the anxiety of like, I'm checking my phone even though I know there's no bars? I look at my phone and like, oh, shit, what am I doing? It's just a habit at this point. No, there was no, I think like, I had more of my anxiety leading up to that vacation because I was like, I was like, I'm going to be unreachable. Like, are people going to be mad at me or like, am I, I don't know,

what am I going to miss? I'm going to drop the ball on something. I like need to handle everything before I go, but there's too much to handle. But once I was there, once I was like, I think the last thing I did was like, I recorded a NAD pod on Friday night before I left. And when we were done, they're like, have a great vacation. And I was like, oh yeah, I'm like, everyone knows that I'm going off the grid. Right.

And that's really nice. Because I feel like this whole entire time has just been like, even when you're away, you're here, you're on the, everybody's around. Everyone's around. You can't really take any time off. So this is the first time that I literally was just like, not just taking time off, but like unreachable. Right.

And it felt really, really nice. Did you have an auto response in your email? I didn't because I guess I kind of feel like most of the time, no one is relying on solely me. Like sometimes people are waiting for me to say something or weigh in. Right. But although you weren't there. Yeah.

There wasn't anything and nothing did come in that I was like, shit, I didn't, I dropped the ball. I didn't respond to that. What about news and stuff where you're like, I wonder what's going on in the world of politics? Did you check Twitter at night just to see if anything was on fire or a bomb had gone off somewhere? I never looked at Twitter.

I, there was a, there was a TV there that got cable. So I was able to like watch a basketball and I care about that. That's cool. What games did you watch? I watched the Clippers Nuggets game. I watched the O.K.C. Houston game. That was pretty intense. Game seven.

Yeah. The Ludort game. Yeah, dude. I loved Dort. I really, I really wanted him to win. Yeah. So did I. And because now the Lakers have to play the Rockets instead of Ludort.

And I would prefer to play Ludort. That was like the one consolation that I felt when Ludort lost because I was like, Oh, well, at least I want to see the, the Lakers versus the Rockets, which has been, it's proven fun. You got it. Yeah. That's fun. That's fun to watch.

It's a good series of clash of styles. So you get off the island, you're back on the grid. Are you like, I have to, this is a new me. I'm not going to do everything like I once was. I have to like to carry on the Zen energy from the off the grid onto the on grid. Are you like, all right, I got to fucking download everything twice as hard, refresh, reload, re-see everything that I missed. It was a little bit of both because I did have like one realization leading into the

vacation, which was like the more I try to stay on top of everything and like bat things away as they come in. Cause I like, I don't know. I place this weird importance on like a clean inbox and, and having nothing on my plate. But the more stuff you push off your plate, the more that starts coming in. Cause you're like, I don't know. I tend not to like say no to a bunch of stuff. So like everything that comes in, I treat as like a to do list and, and like I get,

and I activate on it. Right. Yeah. Like a red circle notification on a group text and you're like, shit, I better weigh in here or respond or do something. Yeah. So, and a lot of the time when I respond, then that like set something in motion where somebody does something and then I have to respond to that.

And you just like get further and further along the road. So I was like, I'm going to stop, I'm going to like just try setting the pace more because if I just like instantly respond to stuff that comes into my inbox because I want to get it out, then that just means that like I'm creating more work. So, so on one hand I was like, I'm going to be more zen about my inbox. I'm going to let things sit in there. Maybe find a way to organize it, whatever. In a way that doesn't make me like constantly have to react to things as soon as they come

in. Then the other part of me was like really happy that I could like look at porn and have like full bars and spank my meat and stuff. Yeah. And then what about like Instagram or Twitter news or sports or pop culture? Did you like miss any of that or emails and stuff? No. I was worried that I would miss any of the new releases porn wise.

No, I get that. Because I didn't know porn aside. Like mofos, bang bros, bras. You find yourself. Yeah. It's like new content that new, new. Pretend. Yeah.

Pretend I wasn't talking about like let's take porn out of the equation. Do you think you're using your phone less since being back on the grid? And porn's not part of the equation. Not part of the equation? No porn. Pretend. I'm not talking about porn. I'm talking about phone.

I'm talking about like just social media, I guess in general. I looked it. No. I mean, I was not really definitely not looking at Twitter. I just assume everything is bad all the time. And I've like, I look at Twitter maybe once or twice a day now to get a general sense of what's going on. Oh, interesting.

Whereas before I was definitely looking at it, not stop. And Instagram, I look at a couple of times. Yeah. That's, I don't think that's changed, but I don't have like the compulsion to like go through the entire feed. I kind of just like flip a couple of times, see, see if anything interesting is happening and then, and then stop. So overall, you loved being off the grid, right?

I would say I entirely loved being off the grid. I don't think that it's like, I can't sustain that. That's not what I want. I don't want an off the grid lifestyle. And I'm like, damn, I wish I could just never have to deal with this. I like everything that we do, but I think I like, I like learning a lesson while I'm off the grid and trying to apply it to, to just being able to relax on the grid. So tap into an off grid lifestyle.

There were definitely times where I like thought a lot about stuff that was happening back on the grid, not like through my phone, but I would just like think through stuff at work, you know, I would just like think about what I was going to do when we got back or I'd have an idea where some, like something we had talked about at the end of last week or something like that. And I had, so I like, I kept on trying to like remove myself from those thoughts and like place myself off the grid. I had like a visual of me being high up above main and like being dropped off like the little

Google maps guy, you know, where you put them into street view. That's right. I kept on imagining like being picked up out of like, like the city dragged all the way up to me and then like placed in the middle of the forest and the middle of an island and just being like, you're here. Right. Do you think you could have gone one more week, two more weeks, four more weeks off the grid or you're like, that was a solid amount of off grid time.

If I, I think that like, I'm just like a part of too much stuff. So I like my, my pull to go back was more to be like a part of like this stuff that, that people depend, like to be there for the things that people depend on me to do. But I wasn't like, damn, I miss technology. I miss being connected. Like I was, I could have, if everyone was like, Jake, we don't need you, you're fine. I could stay there for sure. For months.

I think I could stay there for a month. I'd miss my family. Yeah. You'd ideally like to take them all off the grid with you. Right. If I just knew that they could come and visit every few weeks, I would, I would never really have to leave. I could definitely be a compound guy.

I could do that. Oh, that's cool. Would you be fine if there was even less technology, like straight up off, off grid, like phone doesn't work, TV doesn't work for two weeks, or is that too much off grid? I could be there with like, I don't know, TV wasn't nice. It was really nice to have that respite. And we also like cooked a nice dinner. I mean, we were like in a regular ass house.

It wasn't like we were in a hut. I think I could, I could do like camping off grid for maybe a week or two, but I don't think Jill could do it. Yeah, that's crazy. Jill doesn't like bugs. So it's, it just wouldn't happen. Right. I'm the same way.

Like I would, my camping is like after two days, I'm like, this is ridiculous. I'm not sleeping well. I'm starting to really reek of shit. I could go for a shower in a normal bed. Yeah. Yeah. That's interesting. I think I could, I mean, I sleep better.

Like when I slept in a van with my brother, like when we were hiking around in Washington state two summers ago, it was like the best sleep I ever got. Cause you were out in the sun all day. Yeah. Maybe that's it. And then it made us up. Power off. Did you, did it, the sunset really late there?

No, it didn't set much later than it has been here. Like seven, seven, 15, it was going down. Interesting. Yeah. It was, it's not like terribly far up the coast. It's like only two hours from Boston or something like that. That's cool. All right.

Let's try to answer a question before break. You're back on the grid after all. I'm back. Let's do it. Hey dudes writes, did you meet anybody over there? Does anybody have a name over there we can call this person as? Oh yeah. You know, shout out to our, our skipper and buddy Travis.

Travis. All right. The skipper and buddy Travis writes, last week my unemployed roommate threw back throughout his back while lifting his TV. You can relate. He has terrible paint tolerance and has been laying in his bed to recover ever since. At first he was just asking me to refill his water every now and then, but it's gotten to the point where he wants me to help him with leg stretching and he's even gone as

far to ask me to dump out his piss pitcher. That's right. He's been pissing into a Kool-Aid pitcher to avoid getting up to walk to the bathroom, even though he's been fully capable of strolling around the house once a day to try to get some movement in his room stinks of human piss and it's becoming unbearable to come home. He's running out of muscle relaxers and I fear what happens after they're gone. I feel like this is the beginning of my 600 pound life episode help love Travis. Yeah.

Well, shout out to Travis again. He's a better person than the guy that wrote this email. By the way, if you're ever in Maine and you need a taxi or a tour or charter, a Fox Island charter and I think his boat is called the Life Aquatic. I don't know. Check it out. All right. Okay.

Would you throw out my piss or would you be like, just go to the bathroom? This is ridiculous. So I've been here. I've been here. You couldn't even go to the bathroom? The last time I threw out my back almost a year ago now. I think it was September of last year and I was in such crippling pain that I couldn't even like stand.

I couldn't even like kneel to go to the bathroom. All I could do is like turn. I was like laying in one position on the couch and I could turn enough, rotate enough to lie on my side to piss into a bottle. My sister Eliza was here because Jill was at work. This is when people went to offices and my sister Eliza emptied my piss bottle for me. Love you, Eliza. Wow.

Wow. What a fucking sister. I would not touch my brother's piss bottles or my mother's or my father's or yours or mine. Yet you piss in a bottle even though your back is fine. What I'll do is I'll get a little lazy and I'll do the rotate but I don't use a bottle. I just piss as close as I can towards the toilet. That's right.

I don't have to get into a receptacle. I just have to aim my damnedest. You'll have someone mop that up if you miss, which you often do because you're pissing from the couch towards the toilet. That's exactly right. It's tough. I think you have to do it though. There's not really any other option.

Yeah. You can't tell him no because you're sort of walking around and you're fine. I would wear gloves just to be safe and then he'll sort of realize how much work you're putting in. I mean, speaking as someone who peed into a bottle and add someone that I loved emptied the bottle out and when I had to pee again, I would call for the bottle. Your roommate doesn't like doing it. It's not like a weird power move.

It's not like, yeah, I love pissing into a bottle and having someone empty it for me. That's not a good place to be. Your roommate's at the lowest point in their life. When I did this, I felt like an invalid. I thought it sucked. I was really sad. I was despondent over it. I was like, I can't even stand up to piss.

This isn't good. At least you can put that in your heart and be like, they're going through a much harder time than me. All I have to do is empty the bottle. All I have to do is carry it to the bathroom and back. They're the one that has to piss in it and that's not fun. Just hearing about this is like, I hope my back never gives out. It sounds like the most, I guess it is, it's the most painful thing.

It's a full body pain that limits your entire range of motion. You can't do anything. I think I've told this story on the podcast before, but it's all you can think about. I had pulled my back. I was in such bad pain, I couldn't do anything and my sister was coming over to care for me and I had to get up to unlock the door to let her in and I walked from the couch. I shuffled. It took me a minute to walk to the door.

I opened the door and I started going back to the couch and my entire body is just seizing pain everywhere, blinding pain and I'm like, I either, I can't stand still because it just keeps on seizing and it keeps on hurt, like I'm like frozen, but I also can't get to the couch. I can't do, and I can't fall down because if I fall down, it's the worst pain that will ever happen, like my entire body being jostled. As soon as like, absolutely, just like standing in the middle of the living room paralyzed, having like a fuck, like just back spasms.

It's insane. So I guess clean out this guy's piss because what he's going through is worse than what you're going through. Yeah. And when you're, when this is all over, it'll, it'll come back to you karmically because he'll remember, as I remember, the person who emptied their piss bottles. Yeah. Maybe like, when he's feeling better, you can shit in a glass and then he has to sort

of clean it out with his toothbrush or something to make it even, at least. That's petty, but I like it because it is, it's, it's cosmically correct. Yes. And overall, the universe is back to neutral when that happens. Why don't you shit in the glass now, just so you'll always, yeah. On the day because you might sort of get scared and cowered out when it comes time to shit in the glass. So take out his piss, shit in a glass, wait for him to feel better and kick his ass.

All right. Solved. Okay. Let's take a break. Thanks sponsors. Come back with more questions and answers on the grid. Oh yeah. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast.

You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is, yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time.

Yeah. Personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes.

We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. That's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah.

Frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it.

I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. She misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool.

And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app.

Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

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A-U-R-A Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something, all right? And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp.

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I guess today's unsolicited advice is to get off the grid every now and again. If you can do it. Even if you have to do it from your home and just turn your phone off. Say you're going off the grid. Wow. It's a nice reset. It's a nice reset. Wow.

How do they write? All right. But for us, let's go back deeper into the grid. Another email we got from a college dude, we'll call him Colin Dude. Cool. That's really cool. I'm in a bit of a situation, writes Colin. I've been dating my girlfriend for about a year and she's great and we get along well.

I came into a little bit of a dilemma yesterday. I was being a good boyfriend and bringing my girlfriend and her sorority sister Starbucks for their entire online recruitment. I get to the apartment, knock on the door and one of my old hookups answers. We both stare at each other for a few seconds. I handle the coffee and say good luck and dip out of there. Turns out this is one of my girlfriend's friends and sorority sisters. So I'm a nice guy, but I did this hookup dirty.

We banged hard a few times, then she caught feelings and I blocked her. She even tried to contact me on various platforms and it only lasted a couple of weeks, but I don't want this to come back and bite my relationship. Should I tell my girlfriend before she does or just pretend I didn't mess with this girl's emotions? Love, Colin, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, fuck you, but, but.

But now that that's done. Now that that's over with and you've been chastised, I kind of feel like it's a little fucked up, but like if this girl's officially your girlfriend and she hears from some girl that you did dirty, like that's kind of fine for you because all that really shows is that your girlfriend is the one that like made you settle down, right? Like you could easily just be like, oh yeah, I blocked Tiffany. I didn't like her. I feel like people like talking shit about their friends that tried to date you and couldn't

like that. Yeah, I wonder if the girl will say anything. Do you think she'll say anything? Yeah, there's, I think that all you can do by, by bringing it up, I think is shoot yourself in the foot. You can make something out of nothing. It might never happen. Maybe the thing to do is just not reach out to the girlfriend who knows none of this,

but reach out to the girl who you wronged and try to clear the air there if you can. Say hi. I know I was a shit head. You didn't deserve to be treated like that. I'm sorry. If there's anything. Let me take you out. Let me take you out to a nice glass of wine dinner.

Right. Let me make you a chicken. Hey, I'm sorry, can I make you a chicken? I, I was, I wasn't cool about that whole thing and you deserve to have a foul because I treated you foul. A Cornish game hen for the games I played with you hen. Is her name still hen? No, it's Molly.

Well then, aren't I the asshole? I was on Molly, which is why I don't remember well. Maybe if this guy blocked this girl, he has to like write the message like brings over another Starbucks and it's like, this one's for you. And he holds it and it says like, keep your mouth shut. This girl means so fucking much to me. You're not going to ruin it for me. And then give it to her.

And you could give your name as that at Starbucks. So then they, they write it on there for you. Like then that's good. Write everything. You just say like. And it's not your handwriting. Yeah. They say, what's your name?

You say, oh, just write down on the cup. Don't like, don't say anything. Be quiet. You'll ruin this relationship. I'm a good guy now. I'm a good boy. Yeah. And that way when you get caught and your girlfriend's like, what the hell is this message?

You could be like, I did not write that. I think I said Colin and they were like, you know how they mishear you and it's like this funny random thing you put on Instagram. People put, yeah, people post that on the story. Like I said, Colin dude. I really did. Yeah. And they wrote, yeah, leave me alone and I'm meaning too much to this girl for you to

fuck it up now. That'd be a really funny and dumb thing to do at Starbucks is when they ask you your name, just say your full name. He really does mean that. Name is a mirror, but you could call me Mr. Blumenfeld or whatever. Just write down. Yeah. Dan is fine.

Can I get a name for that order? Mr. Blumenfeld. So, so fucking ostentatious. Unpowers? No, ostentatious shit. All right. So you don't have to say anything because odds are she won't and even if she does, then it's probably fine.

Yeah. There's a way to play it, but I'm not, yeah, I don't think you were good, but you know you were bad. You were bad. You're a bad guy. The last question from another dude who's doing Muay Thai kickboxing. Whoa. Let's call him Moe.

Moe Thai writes, I recently, Moe toy writes that I recently started doing Muay Thai kickboxing after watching Cobra Kai and now I want to learn some kick ass moves and get mad pussy. All right. There's this guy at my boxing gym who I always end up sparring with and he's like a new me. Now bear in mind that we do Muay Thai barefoot and this guy's nails are freakishly long and dangerously sharp and serrated so that every time he throws a kick at me, I'm blocking a knife and I finish classes with open cuts. I was hoping that he'd eventually get the hint and cut his nails, but if I didn't say

anything but weeks have gone by and he's still got these Wolverine feet claws. I'm starting to think it's like a fighting strategy as my question is, should I tell the guy to cut his nails or is there like a more elegant way of saying this? So I don't appear weak and afraid of this guy's nails. Plus, we're both new and I don't want to be that guy who goes around telling people what they should do. I'm also curious about you guys, your guys thoughts on martial arts in general. So any fight tips would be appreciated.

Cheers from Australia. All right, mate. Well, you got to tell you what you've got to, I've never seen somebody that like fucking wants to do Muay Thai Muay Thai Muay Thai Muay Thai Muay Thai and is also so conflict diverse. You're like kicking, punching, throwing, headlock, but you're afraid to like have a conversation with a guy. Like that's not.

I would tell on him. I would be like, I love this class sensei, but there's like, it gets to the point where I'm like scratched up from this fucker. Yeah. It's like, it's also, it's also kind of weird to be like, you get your ass kicked all the time in this class. You can't handle a nail scratch. That happens.

Have you ever done a class like this? Like even boxing, which I hear is a good workout, but like, you see this? Yeah. What's that? What is that? What? Do you learn that in a class? Oh, that's such poor form.

Is that because the mic is in the way? Yeah, the mic is blocking it. What's that? No. It looks, what did you take? Like a karate class in first grade? Are you okay? You look like you're in pain, but I haven't done anything.

How are you losing to a computer? What is that? Oh. God. What did you take martial arts wise? What was that? I did Jiu Jitsu and Christian Jitsu. You think that Jiu Jitsu is a Jewish martial art, and then you're also half taking that,

half taking a Christian version of Jiu Jitsu. I was raised interfaith, so I did Jiu Jitsu on my dad's side, Christian Jitsu on my mom's side. I fear to ask, but what's the difference between the two martial arts? You wear a kipa during Jiu Jitsu. That's the only difference, just what you wear. That is the only difference. In terms of your gi.

The gi is the same. Most people doing Jiu Jitsu are circumcised as well. Most. You find that out in combat. Oh, that's the foreskin. You're playing like a fucking banjo in Christian Jitsu. No, not Christian Jitsu, please. You obviously have not done any of this.

I think what you have to do is say to the guy, you got to do it while you're bleeding. You have to be like, hey, I got this cut. I think you got to cut your nails. Super casual. That's all. I keep them long so I can slice you. Yeah. Oh, fucker.

Now I need stitches. Yeah, it seems like that's, you got to go to the teacher for that. You don't have to tell him. You can be like, hey, this guy keeps cutting me. I know I feel weird blaming him, but like he really is slicing and dicing my shit. I don't know what to do. I guess it'd be, well, and that's the other thing that if he's doing it to you, then he's doing it to other people as well when you're not sparring with him.

So do it for the greater good. I'm fine bleeding. Yeah, I'm fine bleeding. This is whatever for me, just like pouring blood out. I'm just worried that when you spar with somebody else. You're fainting. I'm just lightheaded as all because you keep cutting me, man. I don't know how else to say it.

Yeah, I guess you got to work on your blocking. And you're also, when you're saying that he's doing this as like a fight strategy, that's like inventing a reason not to talk to him. Like it's not, I think you're just afraid to have the conversation, which is fine, but it's easy. It's an easy one. You can do it. I know it.

Yeah, it's funny. Like you said, this is a whole combat class and he's afraid of using his words at all. But I guess that's why he's in Muay Thai. You can just let your fucking fists do the talking. You can only, you only want to be using Muay Thai in self-defense when your words have been exhausted. When words fail, that's when you enter the domain of Muay Thai. You don't know what you're doing.

What if you try to slice a mid-fight, so like you have to fight fire with fire, so you have a little nail clipper. He goes to kick you and it's like slow motion, nail clipper, and then by the time you like finish this, his kick, his nails are completely off. That's cool. Like slow motion is bad. The other option is that you could grow your nails a little longer, file them into real points.

You can only fight fire with fire. You can only fight nails with nails. You can become the Wolverine that you've been waiting for. Edwards is a hand style. So like, yeah, like a bunch of fucking like that. And then he, by the time the fight's over, he had a Manny Petty and he had no fucking idea. Yeah.

That's really cool. All right. I think I'll sign up for Martial Arts. I mean, now it's too late, but would you ever do, would you consider learning a Martial Art? Or too late? Oh, I meant it's too late because like classes, they're not going to, I just mean like because of the pandemic.

They're not like. Now you did not mean that. You meant that I am an old and feeble fighter and I take grave offense to that. In fact, I challenge you to a sparring match. UFC will meet halfway in the middle. Somewhere in Kansas, we'll settle this in the octagon. You choose your method of combat. I choose mine.

Okay. I'll choose. You're so, so good to back down. I thought I could sort of intimidate you verbally to the point where you would back down. And then I would be like, wow, you're too afraid to fucking fight me. I thought you were a coward. You still might be able to. You still might be able to.

Why? Like you instantly gave up, right? Like I said, okay. And then I was going to talk about my weapon and then you could have talked to me. Now my throat hurts. You're a coward. You're a coward. You're a craven lunatic.

Please don't touch me. Please don't hit me. Don't hurt me. We're not even. It's a zoom. I can't touch you. Look, this is as close as I could get to your face. Yeah.

Yeah. How are we calling 911? I kind of locked my phone because my hands are too clammy. No. I'm just sliding over the swipe button. It's not doing anything. It's so sweaty. There's too much moisture.

God damn it. All right. Cool. Well, listen, good luck. Yeah. Tell that. Tell on that guy. He'll have to cut his fingers, whether you say so or your sensei does.

It's kind of fucked up to tell. Yeah. I think you can talk to him in person. Just be like, hey, look what you did in my arm. Cut your toenails. Bye. That's it. Oh, that's cool while you're walking away.

I guess it's not a sensei in Muay Thai. Oh, maybe it is. Well, we'll do sensei. Yeah, sensei. I don't know. You know, the teacher. Yeah. Tune in next week where we only talk about mixed martial arts.

That's cool. That's our other podcast. A UFC fight cast starring me. All right. Thanks for sending in your questions. Theme songs. Obviously that opening one was such a hit by Jay. Should we play it again?

It's so good. Yes. Let's play it again since it was good. It would be a shame if it only existed once. If you want more of us, we're on The Head Gum Podcast a bunch on The Head Gum Network. We also have a Patreon where we're doing a bonus videos every week. Our Patreon is blowing up, so hop on there. Yeah.

Yeah. And it's the beginning of the month. It's time to sign up because you get a whole month for just $4.99. Yeah. And there's never been more content on the Patreon than there is right now. It's maxed out. Over 200 videos. Both seasons of Lonely and Horny.

My speech at your wedding. We've got it all on there. Yes. So check it out. All right. And we'll be back as always next week. Thanks for listening. Oh, yeah.

Our email address is IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. Okay. Again, Jay with the Avenue Q theme song to play us out of here. Bye, everybody. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. It's okay, don't kill yourself in a Yeah, but here comes the Janice play If I were you, ass!