If I Were You - 454: Naked Neighbors (w/Hey Riddle Riddle!)

Episode Date: September 28, 2020

Friends and fellow Headgum podcasters, Adal, Erin, and JPC are in the zoom to discuss smoking, moving, and Amir's poetry.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. Should I fuck her best friend? She won't let me in her feet! I'm Felix Pitt! Peter, I go from here! She don't treat me like a man! She from what appears for you! I'm Felix Pitt!

She deleted my Instagram! She listed my female friends! I'm Felix Pitt! She hates when I visit her page! I'm Felix Pitt! But crazy that's not a friend! I'm Felix Pitt! She fills me with so much hate!

I'm Felix Pitt! Maybe these chill dudes will tell me just what I sure do If I submit this to the podcast if I were you I give that a blink 5 out of 182 We all went through like whoever hated it at the top got into it and then lost it Whoever loved it at first lost it and brought it back We all like did a little roller coaster together

I would have preferred What's Advice Again What's Advice Again Ooh, that's good! How much do you do that song? That would be nice Aaron Thoth? Were there eleven drummers in that song? It sounded like there were at least eleven drum kids

That's how fast Travis Barker is JPC, are you aware of what song that was parodying? Oh yeah, I just think that they were having a good time and I'm kind of here for anyone having a good time especially in these chaotic and turbulent times that we all find ourselves in That's very politically correct That's actually the right response

That is the right response But I feel like the chorus was so bad that I couldn't I just can't quite get there I was having an awful time They were having fun And that's what we support It was interesting to hear almost like an Ackerville River Warble in a Blink 182 song

It was very interesting I don't think it worked, but it was interesting It was a cool choice For a moment, I felt like you got the audio from my middle school's talent show I was like, how did they get this? I'm feeling this This is crazy

Jake, what can you tell? We've somehow ended up in a Blink 182 rabbit hole of theme song submissions I think because we like Blink Jake loves Blink And then people like sort of smell that out And they're like, all right, if you want Blink, here we go So Jake, what do you know about that original song?

Is that a Tom? Is that a Mark? Feeling this is a Tom Mark duo So Tom is singing the verses I thought it ain't right now You know, that kind of thing And then Mark's doing the chorus And Mark usually has a pretty soothing voice

But it seemed like that guy was doing an impression of someone who had gotten a lobotomy Right? So he was mad about it during it I was blinking in the lab late one night I gotcha Okay, all right, cool Well, thank you to Lorne from Toronto, Canada

for that I'm feeling pissed Blink 182 cover He doesn't have anything for us to promote He just wants us to do a collab with Game Grumps So there we go Hey, and a dream come true The Game Grumps are on the show Now Game Crunk, correct me if I'm wrong

That's Garth Brooks' alter ego? No, it's actually a video game YouTube channel My Mario Kart buddy Aaron is the host there So maybe we can get him on Or if you guys know him Actually, Adel, why don't you call him right now That way we can sort of schedule the next host Or episode while you guys are here

Rude thing to do to guess, right? To force them to do booking Especially at the top It hurts my feelings a little bit Just a little bit, right? K-R-U-M-P It's a rotary phone No, Hey Riddle Riddle is here in the house

That's JPC, it's Aaron and it's Adel Welcome back This is your second episode with us, right? Correct, yes We're sophomores, yeah, thanks for having us That's cool Last time you guys were able to fly to LA Flying, traveling, Joy has canceled this year

So everyone is in Chicago still? You guys all in Chicago? Yes, yes That's cool, how's it over there? Is it getting cold? Are people staying indoors? What's the vibe? You're leading with depressing questions

Just so you know How is it over, like Joy has canceled How is it over there? Is it getting cold? Yeah The pizza is getting more and more shallow Sounds like a newscaster sending it to weather How is it over there?

It's horrible Thanks so much, back to you Well JPC looks like he's in Cancun Adel looks like he's in Wisconsin in February I'm trying to pick up a common vibe here It's the end of summer So it's still summer here I think it's like 80 today

It's actually nice today But we're getting fall We've had a couple days that have been like sweatshirt days So I'm excited for it I love fall Aside from everything else that's happening in the world I feel like the weather aspect of fall is still very nice I kind of do like the gentle transition from summer into fall

Got it It seems like the spring transition goes like lightning quick into summer But fall always seems like a little slower of a decline Would you say it's like a red leaf sort of drifting aimlessly towards the ground Landing on a pile of previous seasons Sort of for us to crispity crunch Clack our way through as we step Rake, throw, burn, destroy, ashes

Forest becomes This really does feel like audio for my middle school time I'm feeling this Alright, sweet I'm sure you guys remember this is an advice show An advice podcast The only one on the internet that Jake and I host That's almost seven years running now

Nobody has done another advice show that we host It's just us still So that's pretty exciting Congratulations Is it your seven year anniversary? Did it just happen or are you coming up on it? It happened in May So it's just on the other side of summer

So we're still basking in the glow from that anniversary Do we know what seven is? It's like paper Plastic Oh plastic, okay So credit cards, yeah I'm here to set things up An Annex Platinum card

Charge it to the game baby It's plastic, not actual Platinum So we're good That's cool Alright, we got a question from a cool dude So JPC, why don't you give us the coolest dude name We can refer to this guy as So we can conserve his anonymity

Coolest dude name I wanted to say Chad And then I wanted to say Chet So let's go with Chode Oh that's good Chode writes What's up guys I'm a healthy 22 year old athletic guy

I work out four times a week And eat much healthier than the average individual I'm a basketball player and I meditate daily Pretty cool over so far right guys Holy shit, he's amazing I wonder if he's done I'm fucking four times a week, you freak You can guess that I'm pretty health focused

However, despite everything I do to be healthy I do have a vice It's weed I smoke a small joint every night Or every other night It's kind of a reward for me to chill out At the end of the day I rarely drink

Only on my best friend's birthdays Or smoke any crack Is this a bad idea? Should I stop and force myself to take walks Completely sober? I need your help Thanks, love, Chode Chode

Can I ask you a question Did Chode say that he smokes crack On his best friend's birthdays? No, he rarely drinks Only on his best friend's birthdays And he never smokes crack He never smokes crack He wants you to know that he does not smoke crack

First of all, Chode, I really admire That you make your friend's birthdays about you You get drunk and make it about you Right on their birthdays Everyone's waiting for Chode It's a Chode drunk day of sorts And if you're not a frequent drinker That means that you get drunk real fast

And make a scene So that's pretty obvious Chode, maybe this year for my birthday Don't drink Just the crack, then? How do you figure? What is your guys' relation to the wacky-backy The devil's lettuce?

Does anyone here imbibe in a jazz cigarette Every now and then? Or are you guys squares to me? Cop, cop, that's a cop I try to always do and fail No, I'll take edibles I don't smoke an actual joint Because that seems like way too much work for this daddy

So I will do edibles But the problem, it seems like you're going to come across, Chode Is at least when I take edibles I get my tummies once some yums So I don't know how you smoke weed And then don't get hungry And that would probably ruin your diet And your health and your men's fitness cover body

Yeah, interesting So that would be the hurdle So I would say if it's causing you to snack Then you gotta stop If it causes you to snack, you must cut back That's good, that's really good Although he is working out four times a week And playing basketball

So maybe that's not an issue for him Right, because he's already smoking Is it four times a week and then a fifth time that week He's playing basketball Or is he counting basketball as one of those workouts? That's a great question I would think because he plays basketball separately From working out

And then he like workouts Like he's talking about going to the gym and lifting Okay That's pretty cool, right? More props too Does he say this is like outdoor basketball Or is this like NBA 2K? Yeah, just a video game

Well, he's from Toronto, so You know However much outdoor activity you can get there Before it starts getting frigid The lake freezes I'm trying to be with my friends But I can't feel my hands How can I grip a basketball

If I'm uncomfortably numb? I didn't realize how much of your poetry You'll be reading Yeah, so it's all available on the Patreon Full verses and stanzas and rhymes That's right The highest tier you like You get to not read it, so

For $30 a month I'll shut the fuck up I think for Chode here What he's describing seems like a relatively normal thing Or it's like you smoke a He even says it's a small joint You smoke a little weed Yeah, that's fine It's fine to smoke weed

It kind of feels like He front loaded all that health stuff Because he wanted to be punished For his bad behavior Maybe there's something in there that he's like I'm a bad boy, right? And bad boys deserve to get in trouble For smoking a little weed

But I kind of don't want to feed into that thing So I'm just going to say You're normal, you're fine I'm not going to spank you No, no, this podcast is going to spank you, dude Spank you Actually, I think I might I might feed into the bad boy

You're a bad boy, Chode You're naughty You've been naughty You've been naughty And it's time for you to be punished And sorry, Jake, can you ASMR that? Ooh, yes Oh, Jesus

I hate that I'm hard It was unrelated, but now like There's some fucking part of my body That likes it now It was the third spank Your dick is hungry like that dog Chode, I don't trust people who don't have vices If you're not indulging in something a little bit every week

Then your whole lifestyle is going to crumble around you You need an outlet for something That's a good question What's your vice? What's your biggest vice? And don't say Miami Vice Now available on demand I would say probably ruining my friend's birthdays

It sort of lets out some steam That's my thing Well, that was for sure my thing growing up Anytime my sisters would have like a birthday Or a prom or something I'd be like, here we go Time to make it about me In a drinking fashion

Oh, just in any, like anything Yeah Like faking, injury Oh, really? Yeah Peacocking in a way So I'll break a foot Just so people sort of ask me what's wrong

And like, I will deal with that Jake, what would you say is your biggest vice? I think drinking And that's like, that's an actual unhealthy one Because you're like poisoning your body Smoking weed is not even bad for you, right? Like that's kind of been proven That's fine

I don't know if you do it every day I'm sure it's not great mentally In the long term Definitely, it's not as bad as the amount of whiskey I drink Like if I could trade drinking whiskey for smoking weed I'd be healthier, for sure Yeah Did you drink it?

What do you mean, yeah? What do you mean, yeah? What? So you don't have a problem? I could just holding a glass of scotch Jesus, you're shaking It's not in, man You've got a, you've got a Nalgene full of whiskey

That's like so much So you caught that? I tried to turn my video off That was hot gin Adel JPC vices What's your main, what's your go-to? Oh boy, yeah, I would say beer or like tiki drinks Or just TV in general

Yeah Fedgin' out Yeah, I think video games is probably my biggest vice Yeah, does that count? I guess, I think so Because I don't like, ultimately it's not Super healthy for you to just like sit in front of a screen For like four hours and play video games

So I think that counts as a vice That's true, I guess if you do it excessively Anything is a vice Yeah What's your vice? Me? I thought you'd never ask Oh, you got everyone's fucking answers

You just shoot your computer He just shut up his own house I think the vice that I like doing the most That is most dangerous to me is gambling Oh, that's a good one Yeah, that's a real vice Yeah, it's a good one That's a cinematic vice

A cool vice, a good way to ruin your life So you read my story, cinematic vice That's awesome, yeah, I didn't know Because nobody opened the PDF yet So I figured nobody actually got it out I'm a patron, so, yeah What's your game? You're a bit of a Vince Vaughn

So I'll play online roulette And lose sort of half my life savings on this app No, I do a lot of sports betting from home And then when Vegas exists, go there and gamble But because I'm such a wiener Even like my vices are not like Like I still am scared as... I still gamble as much as I did when I had no money at all

So I'm not like betting $30,000 on a football game I'm betting like $25 on a basketball game To make it a little more exciting One of my closest friends He makes all of his money from poker He's that good at it But in college he got addicted to it So his life is like this fine line

Where like your job can turn into an addiction It's very interesting to talk to him about I dabbled with online poker I'm like, can I just do this? But then it doesn't make sense to me Like there are weeks where you just lose And then it's like, oh shit, at my job today I lost $1,100

Not a good look Cut my job I'm a professional player So I lose 48% of the time Instead of 51% Yeah, I've done the math And I think this is it for me Podcast wise, I'm gonna try to do that

Try to handicap for a living So I'm gonna go to a horse race Park, OTB as it were And sort of see if I can Make money on the ponies Figuring out which ones We'll finish for a second And of course third

Because that's how you get that trifecta box And yeah If all goes well You'll never see me again I gotta ask, what horse are you putting the big money on? I don't want to give too much away But there's one called The Lucky Jew

That's been placing pretty well At local parks Also I said I go to the track And then I also do off track betting So that part of the story didn't make sense But I'm sort of, I'm trembling Because I haven't placed the bet in 14 minutes So I'm starting to freak out a little bit

The track has free wifi for you to do Make those illegal online bets Oh yeah, oh you better believe that So back to this guy Are we concerned too much about his Daily pot smoking or is that fine? I think it's a good balance for his life This email seemed like a vehicle

For him to be a braggart Yeah, he wanted to tell us He works out four times a week But he didn't have a problem so he invented one Yeah, and couched within this Issue quote unquote It was like 40 good things about this dude So go to hell

Congrats Chod You're the man Have you guys ever tried to quit something Just to see if it wasn't a problem Maybe if I can just stop drinking Or stop doing this for a week Then it's not an issue But then it's like wait

Maybe that makes it a problem Because I'm trying to quit it And then there's like a weird catch 22 When I was in high school I was like no more soda No more fucking fast food I'm cutting them both out I'm gonna be healthy

No fast food, no soda And then like two weeks later I was like no soda That's what it's gonna be It's still on the table It's still good Let's just Cards on the table everyone

We know it's still good But yeah that to me was very The convenience factor It's very difficult But I wanted to see how much I could do it Yeah, I remember trying to give up French fries For a month and it was not easy Ordering a side salad with every hamburger

Like a freaking wiener I thought you gave up cookies for a year It wasn't a year but I did give up cookies Yeah, I think like for six months I was like I eat like so many cookies Over the course of the week If I just stopped eating them I probably I remember finding out that like

Carbs made you fatter That was like not a revelation of mine Until after college I remember when I was in college I was like alright I'm gonna go on a diet I'm just gonna eat pasta I thought that was hard Did you get scurvy right away?

You got curvy right away I tried to cut out caffeine Because I was like I'm not addicted to it I just like it And then immediately got such a bad migraine That I threw up Oh my god, for one As soon as you said it

I went like six hours and I was like I have to go to the hospital I'm dying I'm so addicted to caffeine That's a good one for Jake too Have you also drink coffee a lot? I actually recently started There's no way I can quit coffee I like, aside from meeting it

I just really love it But I did I stopped drinking coffee in the afternoon So like last coffee is that noon But I've just found a way to pack them all in Before then And then you'll have the caffeine pills At like two and three right?

Then I move over to whiskey by 3.30 And it's fine And then I'll have a little crack If it's my birthday If it's my birthday I'll have a little crack Whiskey mixed with a five hour energy Stripe for bed to soothe you It's actually really impressive to quit fast food

In high school I feel like most high schoolers don't have the impulse To give anything up It seems like when you're 16 You just do whatever the fuck you want Especially food wise I've always been kind of like a big aesthetic I remember when I was in high school

My mom, she came into my bedroom And she was like We have to buy posters for your bedroom You have to hang something in here It looks like a prison cell Like you have to have something So I've kind of always been like that But I also like really

Like I haven't I'm like seven years sober I've been a vegetarian for six, 17 years now Wow So I'm pretty good at like Cutting things out Within reason But then there are things like that

Like fast food where it's like Sometimes it feels like a necessity Yeah But that is an excuse You just kind of like make up Do you still do fast food even as a vegetarian You just got like an impossible burger and fries Honestly, yeah

Like the revolution of impossible burgers coming out At places has made that option Like I haven't had McDonald's in probably Revolution 17 years Pick of all the revolutions in history That that is such an insult Your own personal name is

Yeah Didn't your mom also Eventually buy you a Rick Hell Welch poster? She's moving on a Ferrari Yeah Mom, that's hot I'm not comfortable Mother

It wasn't just buy a poster It was like have this personality And it works She made you a gamer Yeah Alright, let's take a break Thanks for sponsors And come back with more questions and answers

With the HRRC That's the Hey Riddle Riddle crew Nice Nice Yeah That's correct I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift I think it actually is

Yeah Yeah, not just Father's Day But if for any not so tech-savvy family member That you need a gift for soon Mm-hmm These digital photo frames might be the best of all time Yeah For me personally

These things are perfect I'll tell you why As you know, I am expecting Yeah My first child We got one for Jill's parents Oh, wow We got one for Jill's grandma

Holy smokes We got one for my parents So there are three of these bad boys In our family right now But they're great Really easy way to stay in touch with your family You can upload as many photos as you want Directly into my parents' kitchen

It's really nice Oh, that's cool So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby And then it goes to their digital photo frame This is actually how we told Jill's grandma She was pregnant We got her the aura frame We plugged it in

Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife And you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit Like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant Yeah Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that

Or the way you said it was kind of like Could go either way By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant Oh my god Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant It's pretty cool And you told me with a digital photo frame Holy smokes

And we let her know with an aura Yeah Thank you The aura announcement So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere And invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app Add me to your aura app I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something

That could be funny Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter Yeah Yeah, exactly You deserve that You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display As soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame Yeah, it's a great gift

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There it is Oh wow, this is timely The deal ends on June 18th So don't wait Terms and conditions apply That's Aura Frames A-U-R-A Frames.com

Okay Go get your parents something, alright And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off Plus free shipping Right on Thank you, Aura And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to This show is sponsored by BetterHelp

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That's betterhelp.com If I were you Check them out Thanks, BetterHelp And we are back Hey, do any of you three have any? Oh, it's the left side of the fight Oh, I'm coming

Gross It feels almost like we led We led into that from the last They're so related to the poster thing Joke about that It's Freudian-wise Unfortunate that it comes up more often I would wish

Adel, you got some unsolicited advice? Yeah, I just moved into a house And for my first house ever And I have to say Thank you so much I have to say my unsolicited advice Is never hire professional movers This is like my fifth time in Chicago

Hiring professional movers I've always had stuff break They cost twice what they quoted It was a nightmare situation It took eight hours for them to move So I don't know if I just have bad luck in the draw But I would say post on Craigslist Drive around in the parking lots

Of your local college with pizza and beer Don't do that Angit Everyone else is shaking their head No, I can't stress enough Don't hire professional movers It absolutely sucks every single time So you do want help moving

You just don't want it to be from a professional Yeah, there's something I've never met A mover, a moving company The people who operate that Who are not just the shadiest mother fuckers I've ever met in my life It is a weird industry I feel like I put in a moving quote

When I was moving to LA I submitted somewhere online And then for the next year and a half I got a phone call Every few days of a different place Trying to give me a quote To let me move No thanks

Yeah, the guys I just used They took eight hours And by the end of it, where there was two hours left They ended up calling two other people to come help Because they're just like, hey, we're moving slower than we thought So we're going to call more people And it's like, I'm paying you motherfuckers by the hour There's something just wrong

About paying a company by the hour And then they can just take their time And make more money Like, why wouldn't they take their time? There's no incentive for them to hurry So I would say just get some Don't get friends, because then they'll resent you Because I've resented friends

Who've asked me to help and then I end up helping And it's awful But I would say, yeah, get some college kids Especially in these uncertain times Everyone's looking to make a quick buck So, yeah So drive around to college campus with beer and pizza Luring the kids back to your 18-year-olds

Or high schools with candy College kids are notoriously good at moving bureaus They're just so good at moving Like, very fragile, basic They all have that belt That helps them slow down their legs You're advocating for hiring, like, lower-paid workers To do the same skill as these skilled workers

You're essentially, like, union-busting Or crossing the picket line My man, my man Well done, Adam What I'm saying is that these aren't skilled workers We had, to start, there was four guys And only one of them was moving boxes And guess what? He was moving one at a time

The system's broken, my man I'll pay for skilled workers But I'm just saying You can't be a professional moving company And have unskilled lazy fucks And say, I owe them, you know, $200 an hour Unbelievable I think I've moved three times in Chicago

I've used different movers every time And it was one of the better experiences of my entire life So here's the opposite of... Yeah, like, not having to move any of my stuff And then everything gets to where it's supposed to be And the time that it's supposed to be And everything works out Yeah, to me, that's well worth it

But I also... I know that I have less stuff than you, Adel And I don't want to say that you have a bunch of crap But we live different lives I will say... You don't even have a poster I don't have crap I will say, you've been to my place

I had those, like, glass... It's like ceramic phrenology heads Which are like, I don't know, 80 to 100 bucks a pop All those smashed I had two or three of those They're all smashed I'm missing my microwave plate Like, who...

What happened to that? Why is that gone? I'm missing a weight set I'm missing so much stuff I'm about to move myself And part of my... I have hired a mover And part of the quote was like telling him

How many boxes I have I'm like, I don't know yet I haven't packed I'm at the stage where I'm contacting the mover I'm not... I don't have the boxes We're doing this a month from now So, like, yeah, the quote...

The quote's only... It's only an estimate Tell, like, they have all of your shit They really... I wouldn't even have an educated guess Of how many boxes it would be I would have no idea They quoted us at, like, $6.50

And it ended up being $1,400 Oh, boy Oh, Jesus So over twice So worth it I think a good... A good role for estimating boxes Is, like, think of the maximum amount of boxes

That you could ever possibly imagine All of your stuff fitting in And then double it or triple it Because whenever you're fucking moving It always... It's like, no way am I going to use 20 boxes And then you have, like, 48 boxes And you're like, this is half right

This is half your stuff You're stuffing a tea towel Into the corner of a box Aaron, did you have unsolicited advice? I do This was given to me as unsolicited advice And it actually, I think, is great Is have two separate Instagrams

And have one Instagram be people That you've met and you know in real life And have another Instagram to follow, like, artists And celebrities and musicians or whoever else And then don't go on the celebrity Instagram More than, like, once a month Because I think it messes with your brain And the psychology of, like, seeing your friends

As celebrities and seeing celebrities as friends That's really interesting I thought you were going to say And then delete them both Oh, yeah, obviously do that But if you're addicted to them, like, I am It helped me a lot I just was like, oh, this is nice

Because now I'm just looking at, like, my friends' kids And not celebrities That makes a lot of sense That's really nice I know that I was, like, I, like, teased myself About using the close friends thing on Instagram I, like, filled out, like, I chose all my close friends And I was like, I'll post my close friends

And then I never did But there is something that's, like It's crazy to, like, look through that And be like, wow, I follow a lot of people And I have, like, 30 close friends Interesting Yeah Wait, so the ones that you don't want to view

Are just the celebrities or is it other people? I just, people, like, sometimes it's, like, artists Or people I don't know Just because it, I think it messes with my brain a little bit So you have It's very peaceful Do you have, like, two different names? Like, the people, your close friends and stuff

Know you as one thing And then you have just, like, a fake Instagram For the other one Yeah, and I don't know why But my name on it is Emily Which is this sort of other cool Kind of just, like, a sexy undercover job that I have And when you look

When you look on that when you wear a blonde wig And fishnets Yeah And, like, Clark Kent glasses And a tiny pistol And a whole different person Yeah, exactly Actually, let's bring in Emily

Emily Can I talk to you about your Instagram? Hello Oh, no Oh, no I thought you was cool No, she's not cool at all What about just unfollowing celebrities on Instagram?

Yeah, that's probably the better thing to do But you're not going to do that No one's doing that No It's fun Like, I want to follow Diane Keaton on Instagram But I don't need to know how her whole life is going all the time I can check in with her once every two months

Yeah How is Diane, by the way? She's great She's thriving How many pictures is she wearing white pants in? Probably all of them She's wearing a hat and almost all of them, I'm sure Oh, you better believe Diane Keaton's wearing a hat

It's not right, Emily It's right I can't find her voice I need a couple more minutes Have you guys seen that social dilemma documentary? Has it changed your social media habit? It just stressed me out I've heard about it, but I haven't seen it yet

Yeah I said yet like I was planning on seeing it I walked in while my girlfriend was watching it And it was, all I saw was like a reenactment With one of the guys from Mad Men And then the guy from the Righteous Gemstones And I was very confused because I was like What is this series?

And she's like, it's like a documentary And I'm like, well this is Those are clearly like semi-famous actors Like what's going on? They went a little too far in the reenactment thing I found that to be unsettling and bizarre And by the end I was skipping ahead Like four minutes at a time

Because it was all some weird teleplay It made no sense I thought that was crazy It's really weird to see Pete from Mad Men in a hoodie Where I was like, it just made my skin crawl Because I'm like, he should be in a suit and tie Like what's going on? Have you changed anything about your

Social media consumption, Jake, since watching this doc? I know you're incredibly impressionable So I'm just wondering if it actually had an effect on you I know that after Food Inc. you didn't eat a hamburger for a decade Yeah, no, I don't want to let this one sink in too much And I don't think it really even would I threw my phone away So I can't even really use the phone to change my behavior

Because there was a B on it Has it changed anything? Or not really Or just made you more aware of it? I'm only like a week It's only been a week But I've definitely I think I just started noticing

I would pick up my phone to look at an alert Or to see if anyone emailed me And then the phone is in my hand So I might as well go on Instagram And so I'm trying to be a little more conscious Of just absent-mindedly getting sucked into my phone I still have to get sucked into my phone though So I don't know

It's a really weird balance Yeah, like waiting in line Or sitting on a toilet What are you supposed to do? I can only bring my Rubik's Cube so many places I did a thing So this was more at the beginning of quarantine Like maybe like March or April

But I put the time limit thing on my phone Because I have an iPhone So it's like if you've been on Twitter for over an hour It just says, hey, no more Twitter for today And then you can bypass it But then you have to feel bad And it's like, are you sure you want to break that promise That you made to yourself?

Yeah And I found that helpful At least it helps have someone else be like Hey, you've been on Twitter for an hour today That seems insane, right? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, for sure It's insane Like I'll put this down

I think the best thing And I don't know if they're still doing it But I know Lauren Lapkus and her husband Did a thing where they gave each other their phones And they concocted a password For each other's Instagram account Or Twitter account And then gave back the phone

And then anytime they want to use Instagram or Twitter They have to hand it to their spouse And say, hey, would you put in the password And then they'll let them in And so that way you're being held accountable To some degree of like Very, that's a shame Do I want to bother them about this right now?

Or maybe they're gone So I can't even do that So I think that's kind of a cool method Oh, interesting That is really cool Another thing that I did on my phone Is I changed my Twitter app And my email app and stuff

They're always in the exact same place on my home screen And I just swapped locations with Google Home Or shit that I don't ever, ever, ever open Just to see how many times I unconsciously grab my phone And open up Google Home And I'm like, why am I controlling my lights right now? What the fuck am I doing?

And it's just like, it's my brain being like Get on Twitter, get on Twitter, get on Twitter I did the exact same thing Except with my photo app So like, just constantly like Opening up my latest photos I'm like, oh, all right, weird What about this?

It's a dummy Instagram That just shows you Google image search randomness So it's like, you're still scrolling through pictures So you get the dopamine rush But like, it doesn't actually Which is basically what Instagram is Like, I look at it and then it's like If you ask me 30 seconds later, what'd you see?

That's cool I don't know Who was to say? You should be able to post on it too And then as you scroll to your photo That's Instagram It'll be like 1,000 likes But no, like, it wouldn't be real

Yeah, I see There should just be an app that's like You got a million likes A million comments Oh, that's an app that sends you notifications Of positive likes and comments That's good Oh, cool, Diane Keaton just said nice pants

Yes So we're just talking about living in a coma Style life And then they're just pumping you Full of dopamine That's not actually true Yeah, this is like a black mirror episode You mentioned the Rubik's Cube earlier

Did you guys watch that Rubik's Cube documentary On Netflix? No The competition I sobbed Wow And it's really short Go watch it

I cried so hard the whole time It's amazing It's seven and a half seconds long But it's really, really good If you slow it down It's a vine But it's so interesting It's like a vine from 2015

And it made me sob Wow My friend just got a Rubik's Cube And I used to know how to do it So I was like, oh, I should do that again Because then it, you know Preoccupies your hand So that you can't actually scroll

You're just moving colors around We're like Because my appetite for social media gratification Is insatiable Then maybe I can make a TikTok about it And then so it's almost like a way for me To like still get that dope I mean, Rush, even though I'm doing the Rubik's Cube

So if I could just fucking do it faster And faster And it's never fast enough Will you put the password in, please, Kavital? This is to unlock my phone What if there's an app? Listen up, Tech Heads What if there's an app where you have to like

Solve a riddle or a puzzle or a Rubik's Cube And then if once you solve it Then you get, you know Ten minutes of Instagram time or something That's good It's like one of those alarm clocks that you have to like You know those alarm clocks that break apart Or like run away from you

So you have to get out of bed and What? Have you ever seen those things? Is this from Interstellar? The hardest I laughed in the last two years Was when I discovered those alarm clocks That jump off of your side table And you have to chase it to turn it off

That's insane I've never laughed harder in my life I was sob crying That's wild What are we doing? Are they little robots? Why are you so tired? Do they have like wheels or something?

Yeah, they have wheels and they scream And so at like 8 a.m. They just roll off your side table And chaotically go around your room So you have to in a panic Just like try to find this screaming robot Maybe under your bed I am ordering one of these tonight

Remember the game I'm trying it, remembering it Remember the game Perfection as a kid Where it's like fucking trembling And you're like putting puzzle pieces in Oh my god Let's stop So much anxiety

I hated that game Oh yeah So it could be that as an alarm of sorts Oh horrible You wake up and you're instantly in a bomb-diffusing situation It's like the worst way to wake up is that much stress Instantly Humans create problems

And then force weird or more difficult issues It's like when you found your friend Dave Sleeping with his sunglasses on In a bright room Instead of just like turning the room off We just add more sunglasses And then we make lights brighter And then we have to make newer sunglasses

Anyway It's so funny JPC, does JPC have advice? Unsolicited Unsolicited advice You know My unsolicited advice Would just be something that I've been doing a lot more

During these uncertain times Video games Video games No, it's just go for walks Try your best to go for walks Wear masks if you go outside But like walk around a little bit Especially when the weather is nice

Because I like the fall weather But if you are one of these people That is like cooped up inside your own house Or apartment or condo or whatever Get out Get some fresh air I know that my advice isn't polarizing Like you know

Don't hire movers Create a new Instagram account Every month to delete it Someone will make it polarizing Someone will find a way to be like How dare you say Go outside Yeah, I've been staying inside more

And I've never been healthier, happier Teeth falling out Why I'm paler than the night sky Greasy white skin Big sun isn't going to control me I can get behind walks I can definitely get behind walks That's great

Is anybody a dog owner? I'm a dog owner So the walks that I take are like Mandated by another third party Who is very insistent that we go out there But I think that's also just kind of an excuse for me Like I like having a walking buddy Yeah

And it's nice to have to pick up shit too on a walk It's like usually it's like I'm just walking And I don't have to pick up any duty And now it's like I don't have to pick up little duties That's good Sometimes I'll be walking without my dog And I'll see like a goose or a rat dropping Or something like that

And I'll pick it up just because I fucking miss the rush It's like Aaron's fake Instagram I'll use a little bit of a bag That tactile feel of a very thin sheet of plastic Between you and touch and poop Ooh baby You and oblivion baby I live in downtown Chicago

And so I can't really walk with my dog We can go to the park that's attached to my building And that's it because like the sound of the trains And like the amount of traffic and construction sound She's just too scared to follow She's not into it No She's an indoor dog

Oh yeah I will say that the caveat to that is I was It was just a Chicago street But I was walking down Halstead The other day because we were picking up food And it's not in an area where I live It's like way busier And there was just so many people on the street And I was like having anxiety

Because I was like this is not like me walking in my neighborhood This is stressful It's like I watched a man just without a mask Openly spit onto the ground I'm like people are still doing this This is wild Like what are we doing? So that part is not ideal

But if you have a quieter place to walk It's great Mediterranean food Or where were you picking up like Hawaiian food Really like a bowl or like What was it like a rice I'm a vegetarian so it was like rice and tofu for me

Are you eating fish? Was it poy? Yeah was it poy? No it was a Spam katsu lokomoko Was what my girlfriend got Which is like deep fried spam Rice, max salad, egg and gravy

Sounds fucking amazing Yeah I mean it's good Spam is meat or not meat? Spam is ham Spam is meat I guess You cannot have spam I can't have spam

Spam is like army ration meat right? Yeah There's why like Hawaiian food and kind of incorporated it Because there was a bunch of it For like military bases I guess on Hawaii And so then they kind of embraced it And now they use it a lot in like Hawaiian food I didn't know I was going to learn today

Anytime you see a restaurant serving lokomokos Buy one they are delicious Buy the restaurant they're so good The hell how much money do you have You fucking walk around town Buying fucking restaurants That's awesome dude Oh I'm ruined but

Because I'm invested in Hawaiian food in the Midwest Nobody will fucking walk in here Well it's the names of the restaurant I have poi-dog pondering It's just a lot of terrible just banned names Jake and I are considering moving to Hawaii So this is all good information Yeah we've been talking about it

Do you have a specific island that you think it about? Maui Great question It's Maui Maui The jewel of Hawaii Really? The road to Hana

Have you guys been before? I have We've been to Hawaii before We've been to Hawaii We've been to Hawaii Yeah We've been to Hana Lulu I've been to Oahu

But I've never been to Maui I'd love to go to Maui I'd love to be in Maui I'd love to live in Maui You have to take the road to Hana And the road to Hana is just this winding beautiful road And it ends at Charles Lindbergh's grave Which is just a delight

Wow And there's really good Hawaiian food You guys could do one reality TV shows do And just like go to Hawaii for a little bit Jake and Amir take Hawaii You guys partying there No one's filming you We could do it as a podcast

Jake and Amir take Hawaii And it's just how it's broadcasting from our Airbnb About the movies that we're watching Can I suggest you shorten Jake and Amir Hawaii Into Jamiroquai? Ooh Jamiroquai Virtual insanity

I will say I love Hawaii But it's the least creative that I've ever felt In my entire life being in Hawaii Because I'm like what is the point of creating comedy Or anything when you could just like Lay in the sun and climb a mountain And swim in the water It's already paradise

Why would you need to do anything? I think that's why I like it Sorry I meant go to Hawaii and retire I'm done I don't need to get more new stuff That sounds great to me too I've tweeted my last tweet Posted my last TikTok

You'll never see me again And pick up dog shit please Yes The hard part is convincing somebody to pay me $20,000 a month to live there Which is actually why I brought you guys Because $20,000 a month is a lot But divided by three

Feels like reasonable right? $6,700 a pop Erin can I count on you? Yeah only if you send me a poem every day No because that's the creativity shit This is what I said in my job She was on board No I don't want to do it

Wow And I was in the middle of writing a check Well done Fuck Alright fine every other day but that's it Alright we got one last question about neighbors Neighbors This is a 20-something Canadian gal

So Erin you've already created a character In this podcast So what's one more Can you think of the name of a 20-something Canadian gal? Um let's call her hockey That's cool Hockey writes I'm a 20-something

It's gender neutral I'm a 20-something Canadian gal Who lives with her parents And is in a bit of a predicament The backyard neighbors That's neighbors for you guys Like to hot tub in the news With an O or an OU yeah

Oh yeah Got it Continue They like to hot tub in the nude It's a man in his 50s who lives there But his girlfriend is also a participant In the nudist activities Our kitchen window backs into their backyard

So every day around 5pm when I'm making dinner There's an unwanted show They install the screen on the back of the hot tub In our direction But have only ever used it If they could explicitly see us in our backyard My parents also have seen the show And they, my mom at least, would appreciate

The screen down or bathing suits on I thought about writing an anonymous letter to them To make the screen door Or use the one that they installed But I think our backyard and house Is the only one with a direct view So they wouldn't really be anonymous Am I being prude?

And just Am I being a prude and just need to avoid Looking out the window for a couple hours? An outside perspective would be appreciated Thanks for making Mondays better Love from Canada hockey Alright hockey Would you guys be excited or pissed

If you had to stare at a nudist couple? Getting it all Are those my only two options? Yeah, excited or pissed Did it say how old the girlfriend was? Yeah, I'm so confused about that Like the man is in his 50s and he has a girlfriend That's right, a girlfriend who is a participant

She's 99 And I'm not sure what age Yeah Nude people I love how we anonymized her age Are they kissing and stuff or are they just sitting naked? Yeah, that's the question I think they're just chilling

They're just enjoying the tub Yeah, I mean like When they say like you have to look at it You don't Like you just don't You don't You just don't You just do not have to look at that

The third option of not being excited or pissed Just ignoring it Neutral I think that there's a couple of different ways That you could go about this If you wanted to You could just have a conversation with them and say Hey, we see you naked in your hot tub

Often Like it's weird It's uncomfortable Would you use the screen? Perfect Or my option Because I don't like that kind of confrontation Go buy a tripod

Set up a camera on your porch Facing their backyard Don't stand by it Just set it up The presence of a tripod And a camera pointed at me Would stop me from being naked I'm sorry, it just would

It's also not easy to have a tripod That could backfire immediately Because they've been there Getting naked more And you're like Oh, no, they are into it They're excited Get off to that shit

I'm on board with JPC's idea In terms of one Yeah, I think a conversation Of just like Hey, this is around the time I cooked dinner Could you do this an hour earlier Or an hour later So that it's not during my meal prep time

Or I do love the idea Of like The passive aggression Of like having Every day at that time Have like a garage sale That's like back yard sale So that you're populating your backyard

Like 20 people Who are inevitably going to see that So it makes them uncomfortable Not to body shame Do your thing Just don't put that out there For others where they have to see it What about fighting fire with fire

Okay So So Hockey lives with her parents Hockey, how'd you like to take A fucking new jacuzzi with your mom and dad Every day at dinner time Please So

Dicks and boobs as far as the eye can see And then another neighbor starts complaining And they get in on the action And suddenly it's this fucking Back and alien orgy street party Of epic proportions Everyone's greasy wrestling Getting naked and hot and bothered

Mom, this is really fucking sexy That's a neighborhood watch I Don't Don't you have blinds? I would just put my blinds up at night Like Do you need

You don't need the light coming in Because it's nighttime Just put a curtain up Or put your blinds down And let them enjoy their yard I do think your blinds does make some sense Because it's not I mean

It sounds like the view is directly Of the neighbor's hot tub anyway So you're not losing that much Whether they're in it or not If the blinds are drawn My other idea My other idea Is to just

Kind of start going in and out of the house During your dinner prep You know, maybe you're grilling Maybe you're eating on the porch Maybe you're taking out the garbage But just sort of make it seem like The backyard is not like a private oasis Bird-watching

Yeah Just You're in and out of the house Giving the neighbors like Put the fear of God in them just a little bit Like, oh, we're not actually alone back here Because how hard is it to just leave the screen down All the time?

Why do they put it up some? Not hard Why do they put it up ever? You're absolutely right Just like Blinds would solve this problem immediately It's also, I think, maybe the least fun way To solve this problem

I think that What Hawkeye needs to remember is like Have yourself a time Like, the next time he's coming out You know, naked to his hot tub Rush out there and be like Hey, just wanted to let you know You should see like a penis doctor

Because that's not what they're supposed to look like So Get that schedule on your own time But do that quickly Because you are running out of time They love it when you call their penis weird They love that What are you trying to say?

I'm not even talking about you No, but hey First of all, nobody said weird I said not supposed to look like that Wait, and real quick, Amir Does your doctor grab your dick when he checks for a hernia? Just the optometrist Yeah, no other doctor does that

Just the dentist That's why I was recommending a water pick Earlier, off-mic But yeah, so he'll grab my dick And tell me to sort of rinse between my strikes So I have a receding scrotal line Which is sort of like It starts in my undervite

And goes all the way down Through my taint Out my shaft And I have this Oh, there's so many words I hate here Anal gingivitis of sorts It's disgusting I have a plaque

On my rack So across my chest I have this thick, almost hardened white Cock C-A-U-L-K Hold on That's the Canadian pronunciation There's a police outside my fucking house

Finally Yeah I guess somebody called Because I've been podcasting in the nude for a while And I guess they can see me Shit Alright, sweet So I guess blinds if you're uncomfortable

Or get over yourself It's not that big of a deal Would you guys do anything about it? Or you guys don't care I don't think it would bother me so much Yeah, I don't think so either But I think if my neighbor is naked In New York City all the time

It's awesome Yeah, I see you have binoculars right there too Some of them aren't quite naked And you'll shout Come on, you can take it off What are you waiting for? I don't think I've ever been to New York City By the way, without seeing someone naked

In their apartment Just because there's so many buildings There's so many windows And there's so many like exhibitionist Like type people out there that are like Legit Every time I go to New York City I'm like, naked person

There it is Yeah, it happens And sometimes we were In front of the window And you realize that the naked person is you Yeah I'm the naked person today And, Jay, since you go to Times Square

And see a naked cowboy Yeah, it was so confusing I'm from the Midwest And I was like, I love cowboys But I don't love this showing off your body So what's happening here? In hockey's defense If I lived with like friends or a partner

The nudity wouldn't bother me But nudity and sex and all sorts of things like that Are embarrassing when you are living with your parents I wouldn't want to have that discussion With like my mom and dad of like What should we do about the naked neighbor? Yeah, that's true It's a lot less whimsical

When it's with your parents With parents all Any sex discussion should be Through posters, right? Posters should be the catalyst for any sort of Yes, you have a poster on your wall The way that you want to discuss Every naked person that you see in someone else's apartment

Is with your five white best friends In New York City One of them is named Chandler One of them is a duck One of them is a Ross And you're seeing it from a balcony And you're just always commenting on it And it's like a through line

Through like 10 seasons Yeah, ugly naked guy But then didn't he die? I think he did Is it a show or in real life? In the dies? We're both You never see him

But at one point they're like Ugly naked guy is not moving And he like ends up dying Jake, I don't know if you know this But if you die in friends You die in real life Wow Nightmare on Elm Street of sorts

I just thought of this because of The hockey talk isn't And this could be totally wrong But somebody once told me that Sort of hockey groupies are called Puck Bunnies Which to me is like the best thing in the world I don't know, that's a wonderful nickname

I aspire to be a Puck Bunny myself Does anybody here want to be my Puck Buddy? So we'll like It's like friends without Benefits slash icing rules Offsides off Friends without benefits So friends

Yes, friends with no benefits at all So yeah, dental is not covered But we still get to hang Phoebe and Joey Alright, hey Riddle Riddle Pitch us your podcast in case For whatever reason Someone has not heard about it yet

Even though we've been on an episode You've had over a hundred episodes On the Headgum Network It's a runaway smash hit But if you're listening to this podcast For the first time What is Hey Riddle Riddle? So it is a Riddle and Improv podcast

We are the three hosts We're Chicago improvisers Or we were when there was improv in Chicago And we do riddles And then we improvise scenes Based off of the riddles We're not good at riddles We're not riddle experts

And all the riddles are bad We're a hundred episodes in And we've run out of riddles But still come and give us a listen Because it's a fun time Start at the beginning Oh yeah, definitely start at the beginning Yeah, do you remember

Your last favorite shortish Riddle? Is there one that we can answer right now And sort of putting you on the spot? Boy, boy Yeah, we had a Riddle submitted By someone six-year-old son That was like Now I'm gonna forget it

What did the bull have for lunch? Oh my god, wait, hold on I was thinking for an hour and a half I will say, as you're thinking about the answer It's less of a riddle And more of a children's joke Which is like a hamburger or something It's like a Laffy Taffy reject

It's a Lunchable That's pretty good actually And again, this is a six-year-old A lunch Yeah, we tore that kid apart For like 25 months after that Yeah, his dad was like My six-year-old son

Thought of this in the car And the ride home from school And we absolutely tore him apart You should have him on a joke Than a riddle piece of shit Sweet, yeah Hey, Riddle, Riddle On the Headgum Network

Check it out Thanks so much for stopping by you guys Thanks for having us Yeah, thanks for having us Thank you for having us This is so fun If you have your own questions or theme songs Send them all down to

IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com The opening one was that Blink 182 That guy nailed it And this closing one Is one of our most prolific songwriters Justin Guncalvez Jake, remember him? Of course I remember JC

I mean, JC, fuck! He wants a shout-out to his insta Which is the best year 96 So, Aaron, you don't have to follow him But maybe Emily will I'm going to follow him! He's a celebrity and an artist So thanks, Justin

Thanks Ooh, do you remember who wrote the opening one? A little dementia test for you guys Lauren, yes, that's correct It begins with an L Yeah Nailed it And thanks to Haireal Riddle

For stopping by We'll be back, of course, next week Bye, everybody Later Let's swipe right on Tinder Only for the Huns Try to bang the daughters With consent

And just having fun Only talk through phones And on the net I wish I knew what to do Let's email Into if I were you Make sure you're not the problem It comes from within

Jake and Amir are hearing They will help you win You're a textless doll Pathetic bitch And you haven't got a clue Just email Into if I were you That was a Hit Gum Original