If I Were You - 456: VOTE

Episode Date: October 8, 2020

In this Bonus Thursday episode we discuss moles, grind guards, and how to vote!Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information....

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 This is a head gum original. Speak up cause you got something to say You know the thing you said you'd never do Do it anyway That's what I would do If I were you When life gets too crazy Stick together and we'll make it baby
Starting point is 00:00:56 You asked and that's what I would do If I were you Whoa Damn Oh my god I loved that song Was that a cover? The theme songs? No
Starting point is 00:01:16 I was gonna say the theme songs are getting better That's no parody, no cover Just an original diddy And not only that But this guy would like to remain anonymous He has no shout outs Yeah Tell me who it is
Starting point is 00:01:29 That riff is so fucking good I loved it It was me I wanted to know if it wasn't you It wasn't you Fuck, alright Okay, so sorry Now yeah, you
Starting point is 00:01:42 This guy wrote an incredible theme song One that you thought was so good Thank you And then was humble enough to want to remain anonymous And at some point you decided to take the glory for yourself Take credit This guy deserves a hero To have a face attached to the song
Starting point is 00:02:01 And this is that face You have the worst face You have the worst face I've ever seen on a zoom He says he would like to know if his singing voice is annoying I have written a collection of songs And want to put out an album But I'm self-conscious about my voice Is it too nasally? Do I sound too shouty?
Starting point is 00:02:21 Would you listen to approximately 30 minutes on a streaming platform? Thank you Yes, I would And I think that you could almost tell that he was shy about his voice Because he wasn't, he didn't turn it up As much as like the guitar Which fucking ruled I loved that riff so much
Starting point is 00:02:40 I'll say it again But I think Too nasally No Too shouty Actually So you just like pinpointed the two things that he asked about Which are clearly the stuff that he's most insecure about
Starting point is 00:02:52 Because that's why he brought it up So you think nasally and shouty Shouty, yeah They're shouty You forget what it is You're just trying to needle him You don't even have that opinion about the music That's a no from me dog
Starting point is 00:03:06 Nice, Randy Who? Forget it No, it's great It sounds like a real song You're killing it, whoever you are Awesome job Great work
Starting point is 00:03:19 100% Three thumbs up You're doing great Honestly, I would use that instrumental in like a film, I think Mmm Yeah, it's a great like upbeat and or montage song Yeah, actually bro, will you send that back with just the fucking riff, the instrumental? I have
Starting point is 00:03:42 An idea An idea I have a high idea for it Yeah, that's what I want Anyway, we're back on a Thursday and sorry if this trophy is getting in the way That's right This trophy that I'm holding It says luck
Starting point is 00:04:00 No, it says fuck actually Does it really? No Okay What is that? It's a go kart trophy? It's a Mario Kart trophy Quite frankly And you see the names on it
Starting point is 00:04:14 These are the people that have won every season of this tournament of champions Who's the first one? Squeaky? Squeaky Who's squeaky? Squeaky is the first season's champ Sorry, you're coming in here with like Do you know these people? I don't have to know them, they're Mario Kart friends of mine
Starting point is 00:04:35 They have your address to mail you shit? No, they don't How did it get there? Season two How long ago was Tyson? Yeah, Tyson, and then it looks like Season three Yeah, season one and season three
Starting point is 00:04:51 And then back to Squeaky and S4 That's right And then five was Bloominfeld How long ago was five by the way? Because I just want to make sure you're not hoarding the trophy past the point where you're allowed No, five just ended, that's why I got this trophy, that's why I'm showing it to you It's a Mario Kart trophy, that's right I won my tournament, it's a five week per season thing
Starting point is 00:05:14 Organized by Ben Schwartz, the tournament of champions I practiced hard and I took home the hardware Much like LeBron will be doing soon So just wanted to quick shout out to me, quick shout out to the Lakers, two champions Quick shout out to yourself If you wanted to shout me out, that's fine too Kind of neat How does the season work?
Starting point is 00:05:35 How does the season work? Don't worry about the nitty gritty I have the trophy It goes five weeks per month Per season So we've done 20 weeks Basically since quarantine started Okay
Starting point is 00:05:51 Yeah, so every Saturday we race Well, we do two eight race heats So 16 races every week For five weeks, that's one season And we've done 25 weeks, half a year Because quarantine started in March And here we are in October That's such a long amount of time
Starting point is 00:06:12 Has Ben never won? He organizes the thing? He's never taken it home? Well, yeah, he doesn't really play No, he's not skeaky, skeaky is somebody named Blair Who is very, very good He's very good, I should say Ben doesn't really play in between the Saturdays
Starting point is 00:06:29 I play a lot, so I've been getting better and better Other people are just sort of casual about it And I took it seriously And I took the trophy Seriously Yeah, you and skeaky Who made that trophy? It's so small
Starting point is 00:06:42 Tyson, actually For Tyson Yeah, he sort of He painted this Mario figurine gold And then mounted it on this plaque Yeah, it looks, it's cool It looks a little bit like a wannabe golden mic And for that, you're actually going to get
Starting point is 00:07:05 You're going to get the turdy What? I was just thinking, since this is kind of an exciting week for me Trophy-wise, I could parlay that into it You've got a trophy, you have the turdy It's not a trophy you want necessarily But you still have two trophies You've got the shitty little Mario thing that Tyson did
Starting point is 00:07:25 And then you have the turdy that you just won I want, yeah I wonder if there was a golden mic in there for the last couple of weeks Because I don't think you've mentioned anything yet There was a few times where I made you laugh And I was wondering if that was With regards to having a golden mic Good enough
Starting point is 00:07:46 Yeah, checking up on golden mics after the fact is kind of Turdish behavior, unfortunately So there was a chance that I had that But I You might have earned a golden mic Because it was actually being printed It was being poured It was a solid gold mic
Starting point is 00:08:06 No, I can't I can't And when you Rejected golden mic, you actually get showered with turdies Unfortunately for you I didn't reject it You did because you reject it when you checked it You
Starting point is 00:08:27 You reject it when you checked it That's right So I checked to see if I want it And just by asking I have retroactively Because you care a little too much It's unsettling It's unbecoming
Starting point is 00:08:41 I didn't even bring it up It's uncouth and it's untoured It is What do you mean untoured? I believe untoured is like It's like Any discussion Whatever
Starting point is 00:08:56 Whatever, you don't care You don't care I mean I care If it means anything, but I'm fear like I won't be able to, right? Can I have it? Or do I not care? Not this episode There's always next
Starting point is 00:09:12 A bonus turdy for you That's two this week This is insane I just checked the trophy And you're the season 5 champion How did that happen? Some sort of magic trick Your name is on this Mario Kart trophy now
Starting point is 00:09:28 Yeah, me and Tyson Me and Skeeks got a An Airbean Skeek Alright, this is a bonus Thursday episode Recording on a Wednesday On Wednesday? Yeah
Starting point is 00:09:46 People have started to vote Have you voted? Do they have that in New York? Or is that just a Cali thing? I think it's just a Cali thing The earliest I'm voting in person The earliest I can vote in my district Is October 24th
Starting point is 00:10:02 Interesting I'm actually voting in Persian Which is like So outside of this Persian restaurant There's a ballot drop off Over time this week I don't remember being able to vote this early But I got my ballot yesterday
Starting point is 00:10:18 I think we just never ever cared Before I'm surprised we didn't care Last election I knew I was going to vote I'll vote on the day But now it's Two things
Starting point is 00:10:34 One, it's the virus There's an anxiety around Leaving your house at all You want to like have that But then I think there's more than that It's the deep, deep-seated hatred For Trump You've got
Starting point is 00:10:50 Agita, you won out I got A few ballots for myself Just like fictional people I said lived here I have eight ballots here A few for dead relatives So I'm going to cast
Starting point is 00:11:06 That's what the Fox News Is afraid of happening So it's cool that it is Well, Soros is paying me $80 per ballot And then I can take I've been about harvesting too So like sort of stealing the ballot out of mailboxes For my Republican neighbors
Starting point is 00:11:22 And then writing Trump on it And sort of throwing it in a creek So as to raise uncertainty in that regard While still being able To cast multiple ballots For the Democratic candidate In order to steal this election This witch hoax
Starting point is 00:11:38 This viral hunt Viral hunt For my man But yeah, in California You can fill it out and drop it off As early as today This is October 7th Before the election
Starting point is 00:11:54 I have the ballot, I have the sticker Actually, this is a good segue Into the fact that we're partnering With headcount to help Register and inform people So they can exercise Their right to vote That's right, I usually hate exercising
Starting point is 00:12:10 But I'll make an exception Nice Absolutely Okay, you're sick Oh, my chest I have like a Yeah, I have a fragile Sort of like a weakened sternum
Starting point is 00:12:26 Slash immune system Anyway, how do people get information On how to actually vote Headcount.org And yeah, it's information On how to register if you still can And how to vote if you already have registered I guess there are different rules
Starting point is 00:12:42 And regulations for every state So get informed, figure out how to vote There's lots of stuff you can do on there You can check out where your polling place is You can quadruple confirm that you are registered So you can actually vote You can even volunteer at a polling place So just go to headcount.org
Starting point is 00:12:58 And click around, have fun There's also, tell you what Dude, there's also a text code You can text voterheadgum To 40649 I've never done that before But if you text voterheadgum To 40649
Starting point is 00:13:14 They'll Send you a text back with the website Which is nice Convenient I guess You got a text and a website URL, or you can just go to headcount.org Slash headgum Headcount.org Slash headgum
Starting point is 00:13:30 Literally no excuse Not to be prepared, not to vote early Not to have your plan in place So you can vote So check them out It's interesting because I've joined Trump's army Of poll watchers, so it's fun to like See it from both sides
Starting point is 00:13:46 It's not really illegal Because my job is to sort of intimidate The average voter You're suppressing Not suppressing because I still want them to vote It's just, I'm part of his army And so he's Asking us to stand by
Starting point is 00:14:02 And stand black And guard and make sure That nobody's stealing this Witch hoax from him You know he's down by 14 Points in Pennsylvania, that's impossible That's, Joe Opposes fracking
Starting point is 00:14:20 Oh man, oh man I'm so fucking scared We're trending good, but you know They don't matter unless we fulfill their destiny So make sure that If you can answer a polling question You should be able to vote, get out there Get the fuck out there
Starting point is 00:14:36 Alright, I guess we should answer these Questions in addition to telling people To vote, so we're sort of saving democracy And helping you guys kill some time On this Thursday, Friday, Saturday And or Sunday We got a question about a grind guard Finally something that I'm
Starting point is 00:14:52 Very experienced in That I can answer Wow, yes, you're time to shine Congrats A few months ago My boyfriend got a night guard Apparently he was given instructions by his dentist That the way to store and take care of it
Starting point is 00:15:08 Is to wrap it in a damp paper towel And put that in the night guard case Until wearing it next I can't even begin to imagine why this is a good idea A wet paper towel surrounded By bacteria Or mouth bacteria filled night guard In a dark case
Starting point is 00:15:24 It seems like the perfect recipe For a bacterial breeding ground And it kind of is, the thing smells dank Perhaps making it worse Is that he does not change the storage paper Towel daily, he often uses The same one for three days At a time
Starting point is 00:15:40 Anyway This has transformed into terrible morning breath I know no one wants to hear that They have bad breath, but at times They coil in the morning I've suggested that he purchases some kind of cleaning solution But he was not into that idea I know Amir famously wears a night guard
Starting point is 00:15:56 And I was wondering what the cleaning regimen is Does it involve a damp paper towel? Also, how can I suggest He changes his cleaning routine Without offending him Yeah, I mean take You don't have a grind guard, do you? And I mean, after that question
Starting point is 00:16:12 I will never get one I was thinking about doing the Invisalign though Interesting, for your upper or lower For my boether You know, just get these teeth right Right again, you know Like, what's the point? I'm not going to an office, I'm not really seeing
Starting point is 00:16:28 Anybody IRL, I could just Chill all day with With the Invisalign on, with the smile director Whatever, what have you And they'll have freaking Bomb-ass teeth when this whole thing's over Yeah, well your teeth are yellow So like, that wouldn't really like
Starting point is 00:16:44 Solve that issue Like, you're not It's not the alignment, it's the fact that you're Rarely, if ever, brushing Or cleaning them Well, I can't floss because they're too crooked No If I got them straight, then the floss goes
Starting point is 00:17:00 Right in, you see Oh, you're bleeding a lot I lost one There it goes What the freak That was a canine, fuck my ass That was a canker sore Yeah, huge fan of the grind guard
Starting point is 00:17:18 I didn't realize how much I was grinding until I got A grind guard, and now when I sleep With my grind guard in, it feels great I feel like Steph Curry at the free throw line Very well prepared to grind all night In fear and not having it Wear away the enamel They tell you, or at least they've told me
Starting point is 00:17:34 To clean it just by brushing it When you're brushing your teeth And then once every like month You get this like Almost like an Alka Seltzer thing That you drop into water that's like Supposed to clean dentures And you just leave it in there for hours
Starting point is 00:17:50 And I did that for a while And then I stopped doing the denture cleaning thing And I'd just been brushing it with a brush But I also keep it outside of the case Upside down so that like It dries off completely This wet paper towel method Kind of concerns me a little bit
Starting point is 00:18:06 Especially if you're using it I would think you want to wash it and dry it For starters He's not following the instructions So we can't even like say They don't sound normal But like if you're not even following it If you're not changing the paper towel
Starting point is 00:18:22 Every single day Then you're just doing your own thing And that's not good That's not where you want to be at all Yeah, and then It might be too late But I would suggest the denture cleaning thing Which you could probably get on anywhere
Starting point is 00:18:38 Very quickly Right, and I think if you are Dating someone to the extent That they're comfortable sleeping next to you In a grind guard Then you should also be comfortable enough To have a conversation about Like their dank ass breath
Starting point is 00:18:54 And be like This will not do Something's got to give here I don't think that you'd have to shy away From this conversation Yeah, it's egregious, it's foul Something must be said Something must be done, there has to be an intervention here
Starting point is 00:19:10 Yeah, the smell If you can smell it from his mouth Into your nose in the morning Then something is awry Wild that he would open that case Smell awful and he's like Open wide Time to chew on this till the morning comes
Starting point is 00:19:28 Yeah, do you sleep with your mouth open? Um No, I don't think so I sleep Yeah, I just don't even worry about it I sleep in a weird way So, what do you mean a weird way? I sleep in an odd position
Starting point is 00:19:44 That doesn't quite make sense to some But I don't have to worry About my mouth being open Or not You don't have to worry about it I know you have to worry about it If you sleep with your mouth open Now I'm curious about the position
Starting point is 00:20:02 That you sleep in I twist myself on a pretzel And I put my foot in my mouth And I chew on my big toe at night As I sleep My foot's over my head And I'm not in the bed I'm underneath the bed
Starting point is 00:20:18 Twisted into A weird little contortionist Yeah I sleep on a dog bed With my foot in my mouth That's bizarre That's really, that's frankly Disturbing behavior
Starting point is 00:20:34 I don't think I do sleep with my mouth open I don't know what I do really though Yeah, maybe a little I'm definitely mouth open Because I feel like my nose doesn't allow I want to look at once this whole Pandemic thing is over I want someone to look at my nose and be like
Starting point is 00:20:50 Your passages are like 5% open Or like, yeah, it looks fine to me But I don't know if it feels like I can't breathe through my nose As well as somebody else So I'm like a mouth breather But I don't know if I'm overreacting Or if like a doctor would be like Wow, I can't believe you've lived this long
Starting point is 00:21:06 Watch this and then he does something And then I'm like, oh my god I can't breathe again And your voice is like this Like a deviated septum surgery Or something without the nose job part Interesting Yeah, I mean you definitely
Starting point is 00:21:22 I'm a mouth breather You're a snore I'm not a heavy mouth breather I'm a mouth breather I'm a mouth breather I don't sound like that Yeah, you do, you sound like a fucking sick pug That's what you sound like
Starting point is 00:21:38 Sometimes when I'm sleeping and I'm like stuffed up I sound like a little snore On your computer you'll see you're snorting like a hog It's disgusting It's despicable Really This is my wake apnea I have a pee-pap machine
Starting point is 00:21:56 So I'll sort of plug in this Oxygen tank So it opens my nasal passages While I type A giant iron lung Nothing's also straightening your teeth Oh yeah, two for one Alright, let's take a break
Starting point is 00:22:14 Thanks sponsors And we'll be back with this bonus Thursday episode After these messages Yes! Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring This Head Gum podcast You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring Not just this episode, but the entire
Starting point is 00:22:30 Head Gum network, Jake Wow, that's correct I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift I think it actually is Yeah, not just Father's Day But if for any Not so tech-savvy family member That you need a gift for soon
Starting point is 00:22:46 These digital photo frames Might be the best of all time Yeah, for me personally These things are perfect I'll tell you why, as you know I am expecting My first child We got one for Jill's parents
Starting point is 00:23:02 We got one for Jill's grandma Holy smokes So there are three of these bad boys In our family right now But they're great Really easy way to stay in touch With your family You can upload as many photos as you want
Starting point is 00:23:18 Directly into my parents kitchen It's really nice So you take a photo of anything Perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo Yeah, frame This is actually how we told Jill's grandma She was pregnant We got her the Aura frame
Starting point is 00:23:34 We plugged it in Really nice, asshole This was actually a really sweet moment For me and my wife I was just being goofy A little bit like This is how I told my grandma she was pregnant Yeah, kind of like
Starting point is 00:23:50 She misheard it or something like that Or the way you said it was kind of like Could go either way Oh my god Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant And you told me with a digital photo frame Holy smokes And we let her know with an aura
Starting point is 00:24:06 Thank you The aura announcement So you can instantly frame photos from any device Anywhere and invite the whole family In on the fun through the aura app Add me to your aura app I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool Or something that could be funny
Starting point is 00:24:22 Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures Of my daughter Yeah, exactly You can even preload photos and add a personal Video message that will display As soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame Yeah, it's a great gift A really, really iconic gift
Starting point is 00:24:38 Now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift And visit Aura Frames That's A-U-R-A Frames.com And our listeners can use code HEADGUM To get up to $30 off Plus free shipping On the best selling frames
Starting point is 00:24:54 Oh wow, this is timely, the deal ends on June 18th So don't wait Terms and conditions apply That's Aura Frames A-U-R-A Frames.com Plus free shipping Thank you Aura
Starting point is 00:25:10 And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to This show is sponsored By BetterHelp, thank you BetterHelp If you're finding yourself in a difficult Anxious, stressful situation Talking to a professional licensed therapist Is the best way to navigate yourself Out of that
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Starting point is 00:26:30 Thanks BetterHelp And we're back, Jake, do you have any Oh, it's a lift to the fight Mom, I'm coming Gross Yeah, yeah Go to headcount.org Slash headgong
Starting point is 00:26:52 Learn how to vote Actually vote celebrate When we Come together And tell this fascist dude In the White House He's got, he's fired I want to be the one
Starting point is 00:27:08 That looks Trump in the eye and say The results from Florida are in You fired Right, you'd be like Well, you actually won Florida But you lost Pennsylvania The results from Florida You did win that
Starting point is 00:27:24 I just don't see a path to victory And you fired That's what you want to say That's what you want to say And I want to look at Joe Biden And be like, you're hired Let's get How are you going to sleep the night before
Starting point is 00:27:40 When you wake up knowing there's like 12 hours to go Until like the results are being announced We're just fucking watching Waiting with the nervousness of like It's like finishing a marathon And you can't wait to find out where they tell you to You have to run another one What enormous
Starting point is 00:27:56 It's either over, he's done Or there's four more years What an insane amount of time That he would still have left Think about, yeah, think about how long We've had Him around already I think it's been 40 years
Starting point is 00:28:12 That's unfair Yeah, I don't know That means this would not even be the halfway point Terrible That's the other thing I'm afraid of though too Like if Biden wins And then just that like Two month period before
Starting point is 00:28:28 Inauguration Yeah, but that's The least of my concerns Let him have at it and then hopefully we can reverse Whatever damage he's somehow able to do If he's still alive Yeah Oh man, just get out and vote
Starting point is 00:28:44 Just vote, just vote Fuck, okay Everybody get down to the ballots tonight Stay there I've seen some long lines to vote And they look like It's good to be able to Like just drop my ballot off
Starting point is 00:29:00 But I miss like the communal atmosphere Of a long line Like everyone's sort of against this guy It's kind of like a fun party atmosphere Yeah, that's nice I like that But I won't experience that in LA unfortunately Right
Starting point is 00:29:16 Because I've joined Trump's army That's the only thing I'm going to enjoy That I'm going to write it down Report it You're illegal There was a dance party Against the Donald today Dearest Mike
Starting point is 00:29:32 Act Of cowardice Did you hear that he wants to still debate in a week Even if he has coronavirus Well I'm sure he would love to infect Joe Biden With coronavirus He obviously doesn't care about anyone else When he's like
Starting point is 00:29:48 And Maybe I'm immune Yeah, maybe you're immune I guess maybe you're immune What a weird thing to suggest Four days after you were in a hospital God damn The most insane thing that he did to me
Starting point is 00:30:04 Is like go up stand on the stairs And like triumphantly take his mask off When like everyone It's not like a grand reveal Of like I'm cured now Or takes off his face wrap To like reveal his new self Yeah, what the fuck are you doing
Starting point is 00:30:20 You're so sick You just You should have left it on Like there's no reason to be like Triumph and reveal Yeah, let's actually put it back on I guess what you can What I can say is that don't be afraid
Starting point is 00:30:36 Of coronavirus Sorry, you took a fucking helicopter To a private hospital Three days ago, what do you mean Don't be afraid of coronavirus You've got like The most powerful drugs Surrounded by the most professional doctors
Starting point is 00:30:52 Like there's actually nothing to fear As long as everyone else is the president You're gonna be fine Like 1,100 people died that day Don't be afraid, get out there Don't let it dominate your life Yeah What a moron
Starting point is 00:31:08 The worst person The most powerful position Anyway, let me know Who I should vote for, still undecided I am still TBD Ken Bone Style Alright, next question Yeah
Starting point is 00:31:24 Hey, Jake and Amir We'll call this guy Joseph R Biden Jr Nice Got a problem for ya I'm a guy whose hair is on his way out Let's just say it's a tad too late for keeps I still have enough hair that a person who's
Starting point is 00:31:40 Shorter than me might not notice But most people can surely tell It's a source of insecurity for me A lot like the folks who deal with this Luckily, there's an easy solution to this Right? Just shave my head But there's a problem I have a mole in the center of my forehead
Starting point is 00:31:56 Right at the hairline So I know if I shave my head Every time someone looks at me That's all they're gonna see I don't love the idea of having a bullseye But I'm not a huge fan of getting cosmetic Dermatological surgery Just so I can freaking get a buzz cut
Starting point is 00:32:12 So what can I do To deal with my changing hair situation Without having everyone's eyes Trained on the little burrowing mammal AKA mole on my face Keeping you Love Joe Biden
Starting point is 00:32:28 Actually, a guy that lost his hair pretty early So, interesting And is also clearly insecure about it So kind of like Comb something Yeah Okay, so I think
Starting point is 00:32:44 The decision is clear You're gonna shave it And then the next decision is Do you live with the mole Or do you remove it It seems like The smaller hump to get over Is whatever your hang up is
Starting point is 00:33:00 About the cosmetic dermatological surgery Pretty insignificant And perfectly fine It can almost be a health Related surgery Don't people get moles removed all the time Out of safety? I have got a mole removed
Starting point is 00:33:16 A couple weeks ago Really where? It was like right around my sideburn Just above where my sideburn is On my Temple And Jill noticed it And I was like
Starting point is 00:33:32 I don't know if that's been there my whole entire life Or if it's new And then I went and the doctor was like Tell your wife she's really great for noticing this She was like very impressed Wow But he was like, it's nothing And then he was like
Starting point is 00:33:48 It looks a little irritated It might be because you're wearing a face mask I'm gonna remove it And then he just gave me a tiny little shot Scraped it off with a little fucking razor I'm gonna remove it And they tested it It's been on everybody, thank you
Starting point is 00:34:04 And yeah, it's super easy So I think that that's probably the move Because I don't You're understandably insecure About losing your hair and the moles So I'm not gonna tell you to be like Hey, get over it It's a mole, no big deal
Starting point is 00:34:22 If you don't like it, don't worry about it You can get it removed, it's pretty easy The moles are not that big of a deal either Unless it's like the size of a quarter And Harry, I don't know if people are gonna be Staring at it like he thinks Yeah, I guess if it like Gives you peace of mind
Starting point is 00:34:38 Do you That's fine Or like Nobody's gonna notice it as much as you But it's all about like how you perceive Yourself with it What if you got your mole removed And then
Starting point is 00:34:54 Somebody came in and was like Hi, I'm the doctor What are you doing here, Harold? And then you're like, excuse me And he's like, sorry This patient of mine He seems to think that anybody could be a dermatologist And he's been sneaking in and out
Starting point is 00:35:10 Sort of did he ask to have a mole removed Yes, he cut me He cut me, this guy cut me He actually did a pretty good job Alright, Harold, just off you go I hate that he's right about how easy My job is And then Harold comes back
Starting point is 00:35:26 And he's like, what are you doing here, Henry? You were in the room He told me to leave Why didn't you mention anything earlier? This is a fucking Improv scene I'm just here to get my mole checked out Was it a dermatologist that did it to you?
Starting point is 00:35:42 Yeah, I went to the dermatologist For the full body scan Oh well Yeah How do those work? Because everybody I have moles on my back Or random ones on my leg How do they decide?
Starting point is 00:35:58 I think they say it's the new ones It's the ones that aren't uniform In their shape The ones that are raised and the ones that are Weird colors or something like that So I have moles But they've been there my whole entire life So they're fine
Starting point is 00:36:14 Interesting A new mole, or what could be a new mole In my temple, that was something They wanted to check out And then did he have to shave your hair Or ask you as cutting it Hair came out He pulled my hair back
Starting point is 00:36:30 He'd really maybe Shaved a couple of hairs But there wasn't a lot of them at all Yeah And then did he show you the mole He's like, I can put this in a little Commemorative case almost He's got to mail it out to get tested
Starting point is 00:36:46 After that, he doesn't have to mail a whole mole You can ask for half the mole In like a little glass cube You clearly want it, and I'm not going to get it for you So you could put it next to your Mario Kart trophy Yeah, what do they do with the moles that are like We tested this mole and now this mole is fine
Starting point is 00:37:08 They discard the mole Or maybe they go Back to that doctor's like personal Portmolio It's a pun on the word portfolio So Did my mic cut off? No
Starting point is 00:37:26 I heard everything really loud and clear And then in terms of trophies For today I think I get the golden mic For Portmolio What? You think that's the one That snitched it for you
Starting point is 00:37:42 Yeah, this guy has this Manila folder filled with moles Portmolio of sorts Yeah, it's more of like a Like a black Like a molodex Nice Nice
Starting point is 00:37:58 A molodex Let me see here Yeah, it's Jake, right? That's almost as good It's almost golden mic worthy I love it, but Portmolio takes the cake And actually
Starting point is 00:38:14 Portmolio gave the assist To molodex Which is another reason why I would I would get that double golden mic For the direct assist To molodex So this is a two golden mic episode What about uh
Starting point is 00:38:30 I am cornmolio That's a turdy That's a turdy I was gonna say I need teepee for my Yeah That's not bad So yeah, it's like a little On his anus to have a
Starting point is 00:38:46 No An asymmetrical little raised Raisin Okay You got the turdy Actually, cornmolio That uh That bungmol was pretty
Starting point is 00:39:04 Pretty alarming Um Cornmolio, I think we're gonna have to Do a full body scan Oh no Yeah, yeah, oh no It's not looking good for you Cornmolio
Starting point is 00:39:20 Do you have a living will cornmolio? Cornmolio Cornmolio, that's right Yes, I'm leaving it all To my nephew Hey Butt head So if you're a little too young
Starting point is 00:39:36 To understand what's going on Basically, there were these two characters In the early uh Sorry, the mid to late 90s called Beavis and Butt Head And there are these two sort of near-duels That kept getting into trouble And they would watch music videos for a living
Starting point is 00:39:52 And then, yeah Beavis, was it Beavis or Butt Head That became Cornmolio Beavis would do Cornmolio Which is like this alter ego of his Paper for his ass And to ask for it He would just sort of put his t-shirt
Starting point is 00:40:08 Over his head I think that's everything That's everything I'm sure everybody loves it So Beavis, unlike Butt Head Was a little more He would hit frogs With a baseball bat
Starting point is 00:40:24 And that was like Beavis's thing And Butt Head was a little more of the intellectual Braces But Butt Head was kind of like The smarter of the two And then Beavis would occasionally sort of murder A frog for fun But overall, they just liked watching
Starting point is 00:40:40 MTV Music videos and stuff So that was Beavis and Butt Head So, yeah Alright That's it, that's our time Bonus Thursday episode In the canister as they say
Starting point is 00:40:56 Yeah, yes We're still hanging out in the Jake and Amir Patreon Discord So if you're a patron at patreon.com There's new videos every week And then you can hop on the Head Gum Discord server And there's a private chat room in there Just for the patrons
Starting point is 00:41:12 Called J.A. Patreon Chat So check that out And if you are Just in need of questions to answer Or perhaps You have a theme song Like that anonymous man up top Who did not have a shouty voice
Starting point is 00:41:28 Who did not have a whiny voice You can email All that stuff to if I were you Show at gmail.com Until then, vote early Vote often Vote for Joe And this closing theme song
Starting point is 00:41:46 Let me see who wrote it Oh, it's the guy Dyer Consequences Seth Dyer who wrote another theme song For us It's a parody of Midsummer Madness By Joji Do you know Joji? J-O-J-I
Starting point is 00:42:04 That's a cool name for you Joji Yeah Actually, I could be Casey You could be Mimi, Mimi and Joji That's our new podcast Nicknames It's not to like immature or something
Starting point is 00:42:20 Mimi and Joji? Hey, I'm Mimi I'm Mimi Mimi Just M-I-M-I And I'm Jacob B A-K-A Joji Or Jo-B-G
Starting point is 00:42:36 Yeah My nickname would be the middle two letters of my name A-M-I-R So just the M-I-M-I So you're kind of the A-K The middle two letters A-K-A-K Mimi and A-K-A-K
Starting point is 00:42:52 Yeah Anyway, this guy doesn't have much to plug Except for his Instagram which is Dyer.consequences D-Y-E-R Thank you to you guys for listening And we'll be back on Monday Bye everybody
Starting point is 00:43:10 Oh yeah, bye What to do If I were you Hosted by these two Jews If I were you You You You
Starting point is 00:43:38 You That was a hit gum original

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