If I Were You - 457: Eames Toilet (w/Geoffrey James!)

Episode Date: October 12, 2020

Friend, comedian, and fellow Headgum podcaster joins us to discuss road trips, sawdust, and dating in the time of Corona.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. I got a good girl. I got a good girl. But she killed herself in a Starbucks. Loves the U.S.C. And America too. She's a good girl. Crazy bout the pinch.

Loves chipmunks. And blooming felt too. Yeah, yeah. It's been a long time since I had Poonani. There's something that I still could do. But these two Jews won't tell you to kiss her. No, these two Jews will break her heart. And I'm free.

Free falling, falling. And I'm free. Free falling, falling. Right before this episode, I clogged the toilet bad. Sorry to hear that. Yeah, that was like corn and leaves. Yeah, why don't you just... Why don't you say who sang the song and introduce the guest

instead of, you know, you're oversharing, it's TMI. You're describing what was in your shit that you clogged the toilet with. Yeah, it looked like someone threw fucking coal slaw into a pot of water. That's way too leafy. Yeah, it was leafy. How did it clog the toilet if it's leafy? I think it was the amount of toilet paper, I want to say. I want to say, yeah.

Yeah, you should definitely try to... Even if this is true, maybe don't like share it at all during the podcast, but definitely not first thing. Because that's like, it's rough on the ears, it's cacophony. Jeffrey James in the house. Bad intro. Now I'm associated with leaf shit. Yeah, and the song was a John Mayer version of a Tom Petty song

performed by Akeel Gupta. Very nice. Akeel Gupta in the B. That's right. I thought the least I could do is whisper bleat nothings into my computer microphone, waiting for that sweet junior developer dev position at Head Gum. You should forward his resume along. Well, no resume, just the song.

Send that to Andrew. Yeah, that'll work. Jeff, you're a Mayer stan or just fan, would you say? Stan. We stan Mayer. He's the best guitarist of our generation, in a way. Wow, and then singer too, or just mostly guitar? I mean, he's a fine singer. Interesting.

He's more of the technical, he's really, really good at playing the guitar, and he just happens to also be a good singer. I don't think he's a good singer, I think he's just a great songwriter. Interesting. Yeah, he has a song called New Light, and it's like kind of a dance bop in a way. And one of the lyrics is pushing 40 in the friend zone, and it's because he's 40 and he doesn't have a bay. Okay, so yeah, I'm sure he'd be like,

don't like say that as an example of my songwriting. It's like when you're like, my friend's a really good comedian, tell that joke, how does it go? It's like, and then you tell the joke poorly, and the person's like, yeah, I guess that's fine. Yeah, my friend's hilarious, he did a bit about a leafy shit that he took on his podcast. I actually work with Jake and Amir, they used to do those AMPM commercials. Yes, it's funny you bring that up. Too much good stuff, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, Tumgis himself was supposed to be on this episode, but he backed out at the last minute, so we got Jeff. Tumgis, of course, being the too much good stuff, AMPM, nasco thing, that they were sort of rolling out there. This is funny, but can Amir do a bit about how much he likes the cookies, and about how he didn't know 7-Eleven made cookies, but they're good? What was the sponsored or branded deal where they, we were so over it by then that one of the things they asked us to do

was for me to pour ketchup and mustard on my socks, and I said I wouldn't do it, and then the director then had to do it himself, because he came up with it, and he poured ketchup and mustard on his white socks. It's not even like we ruined the shoot by not agreeing to it after we had seen it. It was like an alt on the day. He was like, oh, would you destroy the socks that you showed up in? Amir just squirt ketchup and mustard on his socks. It was for Ford.

It was for Ford. Yeah. Anyway, grab a fiesta on your way out, everybody. Please, I'll pour fucking the hot mustard down my pants for it. I want nothing more than for you guys to buy a Ford. The torque on this F-250 is to die for it. Now watch me put sauce in my clothes. It's to die for it.

All right, one more time, thank you to Akhil for that John Mayer version of a Tom Petty song. Very nice. What's more famous, do you think? The Tom Petty version of the John Mayer. No way. The Petty song is the most, I mean, the Petty song is way more famous than the John Mayer version. I didn't even know John Mayer had a version. And that's what I meant to say.

And I didn't even know Tom Petty had a version. That's what I meant to say. You didn't know Free Fallen? What's that? I know the Mayer song, yeah. Forget it. Actually, I do know the Mayer version. It's amazing.

I love it. I think Mayer is an incredible singer. He's only fine in guitar. Do you think he had to pay Petty for that or is it like... I mean, Petty's Petty like that, so I think that he would often ask for cash. Nice. Do you think he paid it? I mean, it definitely wasn't Petty or Petty Cash.

Petty Cash? Yeah, did he use Petty Cash to pay Petty? Yeah. I wonder... $11 for the rights to the song. 11? Just make it a hard 10. I'll do 20.

Just don't make it 11. I have 38 cents too. Hold on. Yeah, because Mayer only had $11 on that day. Yeah. Do you think Mayer and Petty ever got dinner at Petty Cash? Takaria on Melrose? Yes.

I think Jake and I got dinner at Petty Cash once downtown though. Yeah, we did. I also got some in West Hollywood too. Petty Cash was a great restaurant. Love that spot. Yeah, they all closed down. Did they? Yeah.

Damn. They had a viral meningitis scare, which you rarely hear about. And it hopped from restaurant to restaurant, which is rare. From the West Hollywood one to the downtown one? Yeah, I guess somebody did like... That's interesting. Wasn't it... You ate...

I remember you ate at both of them really close to the one in West Hollywood closing. Yeah, but this is right before I got sick. It was a different situation. Right. But you still might have not been showing symptoms. Yeah. Oh, that was the day where I got bit by that raccoon on the way to lunch. Yeah.

And then we ended up having dinner at the downtown one. I remember it was such a weird thing. You kept calling it your Amir's tour to corn, and it was going to be like all corn tortillas West Hollywood and downtown. Yeah. And then I spent the next... I want to say a week in a coma. I want to say...

Yeah. Because by the time I came to, I said, have I been in a corner? No, it was a medically induced viral meningitis scare. The raccoon was operating on you? I was almost patient zero for a different type of even worse disease than coronavirus. Because I've been in a corner. You're in a serious medical condition right now. You need to be watched.

All right. This is, if I were you, an advice show. We had a bonus Thursday episode this week. We had an episode last week, and this is our third episode this week. Jake and I running on fumes decided to bring in the pinch hitter, the fucking closer. Here comes Jeff, who's going to straight up take over for the next half hour. I'm going to check it out.

What do you mean? I'm checking out. I wanted to be like a solo shit. Let's have Jeff host. Jeff, you host. Yes. That's what I'm saying. I'm not going to give you a lot here.

That's what I'm worried about. I'm not going to stay. I just wanted to intro Jeff and kind of like an emcee and then peace out. So Amir's going to leave and then Jake's just kind of going to sit there stone faced reading other shit. Yeah. I'm Jake's gone. Let's say he left.

I'll give you 40 to wax and then we'll come back and we'll do like whatever you want. Get wax on your own. It's like coming up with stuff together. It's group think. That's funny. That's good. Yeah. Keep going.

That's good. I just wanted to come back real quick and just like if you just wax on the fucking. That's what bad. That's the note I gave him too. I don't even care. It could be about anything. You don't know or you don't care. He's out again.

But I'll watch and I'll sort of give you. You're doing improv stand up or something and we're like two hecklers improv is always with other people famously on a team. That's good. It's not funny. It's not funny. Sawdust. Sawdust.

Yeah. I don't know. I guess if you're doing a DIY project, you're not listening if you're laughing already because there was no joke. Yeah. Let's do stuff about the DIY project. All right. I'm out.

I'm going to give me a lot and you're interrupting me. The DIY project. I love it. Yeah. It's often sawdust if you do a DIY. Yeah. Again, not a joke. Not a joke.

You told me to wax. Let me know when you get there. Let me know when you get there. Let me know when you get to the punchline. I want to fucking. I love this so far. Yep. Jake's still gone.

He's still gone. The photo that replaces him when he like logs off is such joy and then when he clicks back on, he's so pissed. Yeah. Sorry. I feel like we deviated from the sawdust stuff, so let's try to stay on game. All right. Staying on course for the sawdust is not going to be good content.

Yeah. The sawdust is dust when you're cutting into wood when doing a home project. That's true. That's true. That's true. That's, I guess that's, yeah. You think so? It's kind of a double entendre on that.

Not at all. Not at all. It's a single entendre. I love that. All right. That was good. How long was that? That was three minutes and it was insufferable.

Yeah. All right. Let's do the questions then for sure. I thought we could vamp as it were. Jake, are you still there? Yeah, I'm back. I took a quick, a quick power nap, a cat nap as it were. Yeah.

We're, we might have to do the questions still. The show, yeah. Yeah. We might have to do the questions. We might have to do the show. Yeah, we might have to. If we do this, if we do the show, I think that Jeff kind of, sorry, is that your dog barking? Sorry.

I'm sort of, I'm antagonizing him with my feet. It's really, it's really unprofessional. This is the worst episode you guys have ever done. It's probably, it's probably not picking up. You corner me into waxing about sawdust and DIY home improvement projects. Can you guys hear that even? Yes, it's fucking blinding. Yeah.

All right. I'm going to let him out. If you can hear it, I'm going to, by the way. We can hear it. So let him out. You can't hear it. There was a dog barking, but I'll, I'll. There's no way they didn't hear it.

You guys, you guys vamp about like, I want to say like sawdust or something. That's fun. Okay. Go ahead, Jeff. We already have, I feel like we've exhausted how much we can talk about fucking suck. Not a joke. Again, not a joke. That's good.

It's not, it's nothing. It's such nothing. I might have to take him on a walk, but are you guys good? Are you fucking kidding me? I think we're fine. Jeff's got, I Jeff's got a waxing dust. I'm floundering. Why don't we, he's dusting philosophical.

Let's do that call now, Jake. And then Jeff will, you'll keep it rolling. I'll do the, I'll do the walk. And then Jake will join me on a call. Yeah. And then it'll sort of be you. We're calling undecided voters in Pennsylvania. That's great.

Trying to convince them to vote for our guy. So just making sure that Trump. I saw the, the, that W on the day. He needs Pennsylvania. He needs to carry Pennsylvania and he's down pretty big in a few fake polls, but we're going to call some independents and steer them in the right. In a few fake polls, he's down 11, but we're going to steal it. They're real polls.

They're like Reuters and like Fox News has him down 13. Yeah. I'm going to say a lot of, yeah, a lot of really nasty fake polls have them down 11. One of them has them down 17 nationally. That's a nasty, nasty poll. The real polls, have you seen like the KC, the KC 101 poll? I've seen a few real ones. I've seen a few real ones and it's close.

It's a local call-in therapy talk show. A local radio station had a Twitter poll where you could go and he was running away with it. Yeah. He definitely, I think it was like frigging. Yeah. It was like. And the what? If you just think about the boats.

The boats? Yes. Like thousands of boats. Five thousands of boats. Five, yeah. Which should be enough to carry him in some of these smallish-er states, non-fake-wise. So, Jake and I are going to head out and do that. You can sort of.

Phone-baking for Trump is insane. You look like you're pissed at us. I'm obviously pissed. You put me on the spot for the past 15 minutes. Ever since free-falling ended, all we've talked about are leaf shits, phone-banking for a Nazi, and me waxing sawdust. Yeah, when you say it like back-to-back like that, it sounds like a funny episode, but like I bet like a lot of people might not think that.

It hasn't been. What's that? It hasn't been. Never been. All right. All right. I saw a funny tweet that said that Mike Pence's name was short for mechanical pencil. That's good.

That might actually hurt our boy though, so we might have to phone-bank for that, because a lot of people think that's real news, and it's not. Yeah. Anytime something goes bad politically for them, you panic phone-bank. I don't want anything that can hurt Pence's reputation as like a hot, like a hot Zaddy. Don't worry about that. Don't worry about that. He's a bourbon woman.

Yeah, a bourbon woman. Look at him, and they're like, I want to have that fly in me. Pretty sure that, yeah, women, 69% of women said that he lost a bit. But he's also like wide. He's low-key wide. He's got that groove. He's Jim Crow thick. I feel like he could fucking grind well, if necessary.

Imagine Pence at like a grimy ass clerk. A clerk? Yeah. Yeah. He won't even have dinner with a woman without his wife there. You think he's grinding in a clurb? Yeah, that's pretty cool, actually. All right, we have a question from a 21-year-old Canadian dude.

What can we possibly call him? Let's go little jaundice. That's your rapper name, by the way. It's me, little jaundice. Yeah, it's like a baby with yellow skin. I'm feeling yellow. Like the Uga Chaka Alley McBeal baby. Me and my girlfriend of four years broke up a month ago, semi-mutually, and of course,

half of them. Semi-mutually. We came to an agreement that she came to. That's where she breaks up with me, and I don't beg her to stay. No, it's not even that. One person wanted to break up, so it's half-mutual. One of the two people wanted that. And of course, after the first morning period, I hopped on dating apps.

I met a girl on Bumble, and things were going foing. I am not looking for anything serious for obvious reasons, but I think I always give the wrong idea. This girl was texting me back and forth at 3 a.m. every night, and she responds super quick, and I realized today she deleted her Bumble. I feel like I'm leading her on, but I don't know how to stop. Any advice would be awesome. Thanks.

The train is fucking picking up steam. I can't even hit the brakes. They're jammed. We're heading straight for the Polar Express. They haven't even met. What's that? They haven't met yet. They haven't met?

They've been texting a lot, but she deleted the app. Are you sure they haven't met? It says, uh, this girl is texting me back and forth at 3 a.m. every night, and I realize today she deleted her Bumble. But how did he realize? Like, how does he know? Because he went on Bumble, and it's like, oh, I don't have four matches. How do you know that they didn't meet?

Three. How do you know they didn't meet? Because he didn't mention that. I met a girl on Bumble, and things were going fine. The girl has been texting me back and forth at 3 a.m., and she responds quick, and I realize today she deleted her Bumble. That's that. That's the tweet.

Man. That's it. That's it. That's crazy. That's crazy. I feel like it's kind of hubristic to assume that she deleted it just because she thinks that they're dating. Right.

Like, there could be so many reasons. Like, I'm on hinge, but I'm not on, um, Thrender anymore. You were on Thrender? I've offered both of you guys to be your third. You either ignore the question, or you say it makes you uncomfortable. At my wedding, you came up to me and said that. It was a speech, which I thought was kind of nice. Yeah.

It was a toast to everyone's health, in good health, and in good conscience. And I said, and I said, Jack and Jill, you know, you can always climb this beanstalk if you need it. Then I winked and dropped my champagne flute. Then he quickly said the Hebrew blessing over the wine. Great. Great pre-Hagafan. Yeah.

And then when everyone kind of booed me off stage, I started getting a little too drunk. Open bar, of course. Classy move. Thanks, Jake. And then when you were being hoisted in the chair, I was like, let me in on that. I was, like, climbing over people to get on your lap. You pulled from the top of, like, the back of my chair, tipping me backwards. I cracked my skull on the dance floor.

Like, you were hanging on a rim that bent. Yeah. It was a carnival game in a way, like, where you kind of try and sink somebody. But for you, I was, you know, trying to get you down to the floor. Yeah. I was on Thrender. Right. We're talking about this guy.

I'm saying just because she deleted Bumble doesn't mean she doesn't have skin in the game. Because when you have skin in the game, you stay in the game. But you don't get a win unless you're on Thrender, man. I think she didn't just delete it because of him. He needs to calm down. That's very, very possible. Yeah.

I would agree with that. Well, especially if they didn't meet, then she definitely didn't delete it because of him. Yeah. What if they had to tweet up? That, like, you mean where they tweet a location and a bunch of people go and show up at the same time as them? In a way.

Like a tweet up. What do you mean, in a way? That's what it is. Are you saying, what if they, what if they had an event? What's that? Sorry. I'm thinking about something. I'm recapping what you said.

You were already thinking about something else. You can't. It's not a valid excuse. Sorry, what did you say? The ball was played with a football. So, like, you can't really dribble because it's kind of like an oblong, almost like a rugby ball. But you're still trying to get the ball in the hoop, you know what I mean?

Actually, scratch that. Yeah. Here's an idea for an app. This is him texting her on Bumble. That's why she deleted Bumble. What if I wanted to switch houses with someone legally? Who says no? Even if it's semi-mutual.

Yeah, semi-mutual means, like, it was 50-50. Yeah. Fine. As long as one party agrees to it, that's good. The initial morning period was 9 a.m. to noon. Maybe people aren't meeting up on dating apps, though. Are people doing, like, Zoom first dates, Jeff? Jeff single.

No. What are you doing? Yeah, I'm not doing, like, the virtual dates. I think that's kind of crazy. Have you met up with anybody since coronavirus? Like, met up with someone you met in an app since COVID? No. I have, yeah, no.

So you're on the apps, you're swiping, do you match, and then you just chat, and that's it? You never do a virtual date? Yeah, it's sort of a confidence boost thing on both sides, because I'm like, I talk a big game in a way, and then I don't, I over promise under deliver. I over promise. Do you, like... Like picnics, socially distanced dates in the park, and then you just don't show up.

Yeah. Right, so that's... Well, yeah, I mean, when you say like that, it makes me seem some type of way, but no, it's more like, I like to make people special by thinking that I'm planning this, like, this feast, really. It's kind of like, it's a meeting of the minds in Elysian Park, and a meeting of the Rhines, because I'm going to bring watermelon, I'm going to bring, you know, cantaloupe. You say you're planning like a feast, like a Thanksgiving style feast, like you're cooking...

Yeah, various Aolies. Sorry, let me finish. You're bringing melon and mayonnaise to the park. I don't think you should want to finish. You should let me interrupt you. You should encourage that. Egg-based pastes, truffle Aoli or otherwise, and then, yeah, like you said, melons. So, yeah, so someone's showing up imagining that they're going to have like a cantaloupe

and a fucking garlic ranch sauce. Well, they're also showing up imagining that there's going to be a canter, you dope, because I promise that there would be kind of a singer there. A cantaloupe and a canter, you dope. Yeah. Like a Jewish clergyman. Sure, sure. Yeah, I don't...

I've stood up seven people in the last calendar year. Before corona, too. That was before corona, also before I was single, yeah. Yeah. You've been black-balled from hinge, right? Black-balled from hinge, yeah, black-balled in the industry. I don't know. Well, he just got out of a four-year relationship.

I just got out of a three-year relationship. So, he shouldn't... I would say he should not be on the apps if he's... I don't know. There's like a threshold where you know, like, when you get someone's number, that's the threshold of like, oh, we're actually starting to talk. So, if he's not ready to date somebody, he shouldn't get the number. Just keep it on the dating apps.

Interesting. Okay. I think I might download one of the dating apps just for fun. Just to... You should meet people. Absolutely, you should tell your wife that. Well, no, let's hear him out. If you want to actually do it.

Let's hear him out. I'm just going to like... No, I just want to know what his end goal is. I want to know what his end goal is. It seems innocent so far. I just want to meet new friends to swipe to get that like... To get that like, you know, the endorphin dump of like, oh, this person finds me attractive.

Maybe we meet up. Maybe we get a drink. There's like... Meeting up is totally different. I think you can meet up. I think as long as there's nothing physical... There's nothing... He's saying, hooking up.

We wouldn't... Oh, well, that could be... I mean, it's not... If it's meaningless... If it's meaningless... Yeah, that's what I'm saying. If it doesn't really mean anything, we hook up and then like, you fall for the person and you're like...

Amir, bring Avi Tal in here. Bring Avi Tal in here. No, I don't want to even poison this within her mind. Luke! I don't think you should... Luke! Luke! Go get Avi Tal, boy!

Go get Avi Tal, Luke! He was maced by the male man. You should definitely tell your wife that. Wait, Amir, did you actually get a cat? No, I didn't get a cat. All right. Then what's that in the corner? In the last...

Oh, that? That's a root. That's a skunk. I got a... I got a bent skunk. You got a potbelly pig, right? I wish. And a sub from Potbelly.

It looks very sweet. Danny Sellers style. Shout out to... Can we say shout out to Danny Sellers? No. We have to take a break. We have to thank some sponsors. And we'll go back.

I'll shout out to Danny Sellers. Have you guys done the ad reads yet? No, that's going to happen right now. Do you want to do the... Can I do the ad reads with you guys? Okay. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network,

Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time.

Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes.

We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. This is a photo of anything, perhaps a baby. And then it goes to their digital photo frame.

Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it.

I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool.

And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Send me to your aura app.

I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that.

You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes. That's A U R A frames dot com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is.

Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura frames A U R A frames dot com. Okay. Go get your parents something.

All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional license therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place.

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That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. Jeff, do you have any? Oh, it's a letter. Mom, I'm coming. Gross.

It's time to make your house your home. Pick up the phone. I'm coming home, coming home. Tell Luke I'm coming home. Decorate your room. Like, it's all about making a house a home. So that when you come home, it feels like a place that you can kind of breathe easy. So what I did was I hung my guitars, put up some string lights, some art, et cetera.

Somebody posted that your first unsolicited device was that the year 2020 was going to launch a new age, a jazz age, a renaissance. When you were first on the show, do you remember that? Okay. First of all, I did not say 2020. I said the 2020s. All right. What people have to understand is that this is the beginning of a 10 year decade, right? Obviously.

Yeah, what a terrible start. But that's actually terrible. That's why the 20s were roaring because there was a world war. And there was a world war and the Spanish flu 1918. So they came off a global pandemic. Shit was bad. And then they were like, it's better now. Let's fucking go off on them.

And like, just think of how hard people are going to party, how much happier and loose everyone's going to be. When the vaccine comes out and the strip test comes out, it starts to fizzle out, let's say this time next year. That's the beginning of 2021. You can't say, or that's the end of 2021. You can't say that that's not the beginning of the decade. You can't say that by 2024, we're not going to have you having Gatsby parties. There's going to be flapper chicks. And flappy dicks.

And flap jacks at a buffet. No, I think it only feeds into my prediction that it's going to be another roaring 20s because people are going to be like so want for a good time, really. I'm getting excited just thinking about it. You're wearing a hazmat suit. And then also hang up a quilt. And then maybe, yeah, fucking. What's that? Decorate.

Things on the walls that kind of warm up the space. Yeah. And then where'd you get the quilt behind? Is that always up or is that like a I'm recording situation? I put these little hooks on into the wall and then I drilled a hole into the fucking quilt so I can slip it on and off as I please. But it kind of closes off the space. It's good for audio reasons. And on zoom, it's better than looking at my depressing basement.

That's cool. Your basement's not depressing though. Let me see that thing. No, it's great. I just like making fun of it. Oh, there's a family of possums eating a newspaper on your bed. What is that? Very nice with the gallery wall.

I love it. Yeah, you really can't see. Is that a Rattan chair? It's a Sesca knockoff. Yes. I have them as well. Did you get it from ScandinavianDesign.com? I did.

I did. Somebody on the Discord asked you, they added you and they were like, oh, is the Sesca chair worth it? And I was like, don't pay hundreds of dollars, just get the bent from Scandinavian Designs. That's exactly what I have. I've got four of them. I did not buy the real thing. And you never buy the real thing. No.

How much better could it be? I feel like they don't use better materials. And how much time do I spend sitting at my kitchen table? I have dinner there and that's it. That's like 30 minutes a day max. Yeah. Not worth it. Two poor losers.

I'm looking at two poor losers. Excuse me? Talking about saving money off buying knockoff furniture, that's embarrassing. I have an Aims toilet from 1941 and I can't even sit on it because people's assholes were so small back then. But it's the real deal. Wait. And when you come over, hold on.

Someone gives you a weird toilet, I think. You're shitting in an Aims lounge chair. They did not make a toilet and no one's ASs were smaller in the 40s than they are now. And what kind of toilet has such a small hole? It's a thin ottoman. It's supposed to be a, you're shitting, yeah, you're shitting into an ottoman. How much did you spend on this? And I don't think it's a toilet.

I think it's a chair or a stool that you have in your bathroom. How much did you spend on it? It's a stool for my stools. Yeah, it was $9,000 because it's the authentic. Aims himself had Giardia on it and almost killed himself on that toilet. And I got it from a guy who was selling it door to door of all places. So how do you know was it authenticated? Usually when you buy it.

Because a crazy person came to my door and sold me a stool toilet for 10 grand. That's how I know. She said it was nine at first. I tipped him for the deal. You tipped him 10% on a consignment deal? For having it delivered to my anus. It's not a freight delivery. It's a fraught delivery.

It was a great delivery. And guess what? I also got from it. What? I rubbed his feet. Because they were blistered and bloody. Did he have shoes? He did not.

Because he said no one's crazy enough to take him up on this offer of an anus toilet before I sent him into my home and used a loincloth on his wearyed traveled heels. So you washed his feet, gave him $10,000 and sent his ass on his way. And then you shat on a stool. Is it in good condition? Is it like what's, you know, like is the leather nice? They assume it's leather. It's not leather.

It's not leather. It's cloth. It's straw. It's what? It's straw. It's straw. As in every time I take a shit it looks like I'm pushing brown Play-Doh through a fucking pencil sharpener.

Sorry. It's not, I really hope that it's not this, but it's not that hay barrel, right? Hay bale in the background. It is. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. That's the, it's the bale of hay. As in hey, can I give you another $10,000 for delivery?

You gave him $1,000 for delivery. That was the tip. I gave him $1,000 as a tip. I gave him $10,000 for the toilet and $11,000 for delivery. And enough already, you two poor losers. Ah, I have fucking Salmonella talking to you guys. Unrelated. It's unrelated.

It's not because you're talking to us. You have Salmonella, my oven stopped working. You didn't turn it on. I didn't have to. You did. That's why you have the Salmonella. All right. I'll bake chicken by putting it in a cold box.

My grandfather always said that. You're on a pork only diet. Can I read you another question? Sure. Sure. Or do you guys just want to talk about furniture all day? You don't have furniture. You shit into a pile of hay.

This is a lady who says, I agreed to a road trip. I don't want to take. Uh-oh. What? What? Jeff, do you have a fake woman's name? Who's the last girl you kissed first and last name? I can't say her first and last name.

Well, I'll find her middle and last name. And then her phone number can be like the one you sign it off. Can be. It's not a part of, let's just go fucking. No. It has to be the last lady you kissed on the mouth. And then what's her first name and last and her Twitter handle? Um, is she verified?

She's not verified. I'm not on Raya. We talked about this. Still trying to get that friend pass. Yes. Sorry, buddy. The guys had that, that end ass. You found it was the end all be all on Raya.

All right. Just the ladies name. I mean, are you met out at all? Police name? Just the ladies name. Lisa Hemsworth. A smooch to Hemsworth's sister. That's awesome.

Hey boys, maybe you can help me out of my sticky situation. I've always wanted to take a big cross country trip and I brought this up to a friend who has not just, who has not dropped the idea since I told her. She basically hounded me for weeks and when I was going to leave, sorry, hounded me for weeks asking when I was going to leave and saying that we needed to just do it. I eventually gave in and agreed to go with her. The only issue is everything. I wanted to go west, but obviously we can't because of the fires.

We're now going east, which isn't a big problem except we're in a pandemic and I don't want to travel right now, period. My friend insist will be safe and keep saying that this is her last chance since she's participating in a medical study for three years. I only agreed because I felt pressure and the worst part is we leave in five days. Help me make an excuse to get out of this trip and stay the hell home. Dude, you got to do this cross continental shit with me. You know I'm doing that weird experimental off grid experiment.

I might die from a serum. So you want to start, we're in Ohio and you want to drive into Pennsylvania. That's not a cross country road trip. Let's get out of the Western Reserve, man. And it is some strange territory. This person wrote this 10 days ago, so there's a chance that they're already on this. Why do you do this? You got to take the question before she leaves.

Sorry, we got it recently. We had to answer other more pressing questions first and this person's either on a road trip. Write her back and I would like a follow up pup in the next week or so. But look, I think also that sometimes there's an anxiety that comes along with traveling, but once you break through, you'll probably have a good time. If she's on the road trip, I bet she's having a good time. Yeah, sometimes the more spontaneous things that you do in life that you didn't want to do end up being the best times.

Yeah, and I mean, you had the excuse. I don't think there was anything we could have told you. The pandemic and the fires, there wasn't another, there's not a better one. Yeah, she had every hour. We could not have come up with an excuse that was like, oh shit, if only they had answered this question five days ago, I could have got out. Say I don't want to travel because there's a fucking deadly virus going around and we could catch it anywhere.

Solid enough. Plus your medical experiment might be compromised. Talking about impromptu road trips, I remember in college once there was a bunch of people, including myself, my friends, Jeff's gone, getting drunk at a party at like midnight. And then they're like, let's go to fucking Reno. It's like a little Las Vegas that's three hours east of Berkeley. And I'm like, no, it's like four hours away by the time we get there, nobody's going to be happy. It's going to be like sunrise.

And they're like, no, no, no, you have to drive us because I was not drinking. He's like, you have to drive us if it's 180 miles or under. I'm like, sure, it's like 250 miles. So I'll drive you if it's 180 miles or under. And it was like, we looked it up and it was like 174 miles. So they're like erupted and joy like, you got to take us, you got to take us. So I put everyone in the car and started driving towards Reno. And indeed, I think Cohen was in the car at the pullover a few times to puke.

By the time we get there, it's like snowing and like six in the morning and it's like in dead. Like Sunday morning, dead, completely 6 a.m. We go to like a buffet for like $4 steak and eggs. Nobody is having fun anymore. So the impromptu road trip ended in a terrible time. But then, you know, it ended up being a funny story. But while you're on it, it wasn't great to be there. Yeah, I had a similar experience in college, but it wasn't an exciting like proposal.

Like, let's go to Vegas or let's go to Reno. It was, what's going to Del Taco? Should we go to Chapman right now? Chapman University and Orange County. Yeah, to visit Eagle, yeah. So it was me and George Saba and a couple of friends. We were drunk on a Thursday and nobody was sober, so we didn't drive, thankfully. But we were like, we should just go like Surprise Eagle.

What? Yeah, and then have 45 miles southeast. A 35 minute drive at the time. What a bad surprise that would have been, too. Like, hey, four drunk people at Eagle. What? I just remembered a funnier part, a surprise related thing of my story, is that on the way to Reno, we surprised our friend who was living in UC Davis, or in Davis at the time,

Josh Heller, some of you may know, and we barged into his apartment because it was like, you know, 2.45 in the morning and jumped on him while he was asleep, except we didn't know that he switched rooms with one of his roommates. So we actually jumped on the bed of a sleeping stranger to us, or like, Heller, Heller, yeah. And he's like, yeah, Josh now lives upstairs. We're like, oh, sorry about that. This would not have flown in 2020, but like in 2004, it was very silly at the time. Insane.

Jumping on a stranger's bed. Imagine being woken up at 3 AM by seven guys yelling Heller. Traumatizing. Heller and a handbasket. Eagle was pissed. Yeah, he was about to kind of make good with the love of his life in a way. And he was trying to, he got in this argument earlier in the night that it was like, oh, you don't take things seriously, like your friends are childish.

You didn't tell him you were coming. I didn't, because I didn't know that that was happening, right? So I thought that he would be solo-dolo on the day, and he was with Alas, and it was the last straw. Alas. Okay. And Alas. I guess for this lady, if it's too late, sorry about that, but not.

You can just use Coronas. You're having the time of your life. Right. Enjoy it. I think it's going to be, it's a great time to go on a road trip. Make the best of it. Yeah. I emailed her, so maybe we can get an update from the road or at the very least from her

house because she didn't go. Yeah. Let's go rapid-fire nine more emails. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Nine more emails would take awhile. Let's do three more emails. We have to record another podcast right now.

We have to record the Hedgum podcast. Let's do it fast. No, we don't have time. We have to fucking record another podcast. We can't do three more emails. We can't do nine. Let's do one more email fast. No, no, I don't want to do one more email fast.

Here, let me just pull up one of the emails that I sent recently. All right, this is too, yeah. This is too Marty. Fuck you. Why can't I have a raise? What the hell do you do at the company that's so goddamn important? This is Emily Ass, one of the people I follow and only fans. Hey, what's up?

Did you do custom videos? I would love if you could sort of help me instruct me how to J-O on a video. And then I'll film me, and then I'll send you the video of me kind of figuring it out. I'm not even able to do it yet, so we'll figure it out with your help. We got it, we got it. That's enough. I don't know how. That's enough.

Stop this. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Promote this. Yeah, that's enough. Tune into the headgum podcast. Jeffrey's other video.

Yeah, this is a nice warm-up. Anything to promote? What do you got going on? What's on the burner? Back? Yes. Riley and I, when is this going up on Monday? I know, this is just a practice.

I'm just testing out my new microphone. Did this go, is this going up on Monday? No, I was saying this is just a practice run. I'm just trying to see. So you're not recording? Yeah. We're not recording this one. Then there's no reason to plug, but I guess I'll figure it out.

Yeah, I didn't record my audio. I'm not recording. No matter when this is, Riley and I's Patreon will be live. Whoa. Riley and Spawn, myself, not sure the overlap of your guys' audience and our audience, but 100%. Well, yeah, I guess 100% of our audience is in your audience. It's 30% of your audience.

We are doing monthly sketches, song parodies, and live streams, as well as, I guess, yeah, that's it. That's a lot though. But it's only $3.99 a month. $3.99. Help out your boys. We're also doing, oh, there's, we have a Patreon exclusive hoodie. We have, oh, and if you sign up for the higher tier, we will do one cameo style shout out

video per month. Wow. Don't over promise. You want to make sure that you can deliver everything. I don't think it's possible. Oh, we also have old review, review ad reads, because people love those, and that was the one thing that we cleared with your guys' asses, so I hope I'm not fucking myself over here. I didn't sign off on any of this.

I didn't sign off on any of this shit. Even the sketch you're pissed about? I'm pissed that, yeah. I'm pissed that you guys have a review podcast. When, since when did that happen? You gave it to us. You pitched it to us. Okay.

It's been a year and a half. We hired them. Yeah. We hired them to host. You signed off on my payroll. I just don't know if they should have their own podcast show? That's a big, yeah, that's a big conversation we should have had years ago then. You're doing mental math and mental gymnastics.

I can see him slacking Claire. This is crazy. He's actively trying to put the kibosh on it. We've namedropped so many different people at the company. This podcast. Owen, Heller, Claire, oh, and listen to review review on the head gum network. It's Riley and Spa and I do improv based off Yelp reviews. It's a lot of fun.

If you haven't heard it at all, good in is the episode you guys did, airport lounges, one of my favorite episodes. We also have episodes with Jeff Probst, hopes of survivor, John Gabriel's podcast favorite, Ryan Gaul himself. Wow. Wow. Wow. The Gaul of it all.

And more. Patreon.com forward slash Riley and Jeff, which will force people to learn how to spell both of our names, but it's R E I L L Y A N D G E O F F. All right. Riley and Jeff. Yeah. They're starting to trim giant trees right outside my house. This is a perfect time to thank you guys and get the hell out of here.

The opening of the song. Yeah. It was that John Mayer parody, which was great and this closing one is a teenage dirt bag parody. Yes. OG fan from 2007 shout out to Fran B. So thank you Fran. Thank you. Jeff.

Thanks to you guys. Thanks for having me on. Of course. Cool. And we'll be back next week, next week. Yeah. On Monday. Bye everybody.

Bye. My boyfriend's a dick and I don't know what to do yeah he's just a prick maybe I'll ride into if I were you with Jake and I may maybe they'll give some advice or maybe they'll put me on blast for riding in twice if I were you the podcast show if I were you the podcast show with Jake and I may be to Coybro starts now that was a hit gum original.