If I Were You - 458: Flight Attendant

Episode Date: October 19, 2020

In this episode we discuss role playing, haircuts, and quitting the podcast if Trump wins the presidential election.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. In the car I just can't wait. Turn on my favorite podcast. It's called If I Were You. It's hosted by Two Koi Juice. Do you want to see some cheese? Do you need a favorite garden as a feast? You'll be scared of what they think. They'll just give you some really good advice. This is the podcast. Hope it's almost over. Honest. This show seems to last forever. Forever and ever.

Take a mere last forever. Forever and ever. Hope the show lasts forever. Damn, another Tom DeLong theme song. I really appreciate it. No one is cooler than Tom DeLong. Do you know what the name of that song is? That is First Date by Blink 182. Helmed by Tom DeLong. That is off the Take Off Your Pants and Jacket LP of which there were three different versions where you could have three different secret bonus songs.

First Date. Pretty solid song. Pretty solid song. Did you notice that that song turned into an insult and then it almost seemed like it turned into a threat? This podcast lasts forever and then it was like, Jake and Amir will do this forever. That sounded like some kind of weird purgatory hell. The first one was an insult like this show seems to last forever. Our Lovar complaints that I get are the opposite. This show is too short

which is a funny complaint because it's an insult and a compliment at once. This show sucks. It wasn't long enough. Did you like it but it wasn't long enough? It's that famous Jewish joke. It's like, how's the food? The food was awful and there wasn't enough or something like that. That's exactly what it is. I love that joke. That was Alex Lanzi with the Indeed First Date theme song parody. First time he asked us for a shout out to his girlfriend's puppy Lina.

This time he wants a shout out to his website AlexLanziLanzi.com which forwards you to my Instagram so you can check out the pictures of him and the puppy. A website that forwards to your Instagram. That's good. AlexLanzi.com. You can just buy your name and then just forward it up to your Twitter, your Instagram or whatever. I actually can't buy my name.com because it's $2,500. Still? Yeah, they don't care. They probably think that the site gets traffic because I check every once in a while and I look.

It's like we got one hit this month and it was from New York City. It's always me. It's always me checking that price. Let's check in on that thing right now. Well, I think he's waited too long. Websites are now worth less than they were probably 10 years ago. Now that apps have seemed to have taken over websites. I don't need it. That's why, yeah, it's $2,500. It's still the same price. I would just like to have it. No, I'm not going to buy it. I would not do it. I deserve it for free. It's worthless. It means nothing to you or to them.

To everyone. I think that's my favorite Blink 182 song this first date. That part gets me the most hype more than any other Blink 182 song. You got to respect Tom DeLong's ability to make three notes on a guitar get you up and excited. There's definitely better guitarists out there, but I think he was able to zero in on these really simple poppy riffs. I guess it helps to have Travis on the drums, but you know what? Tom doesn't get enough credit and he deserves more. He's the goat. What is the lyrics? He goes, honest, let's wait. This night's almost over. What are they saying specifically? I believe the lyrics are, let's go, don't wait. This night's almost over. Honest, let's make this night last forever and ever and ever.

Let's make this last forever. It doesn't quite make sense, nor does it quite rhyme, but it still is very catchy musically. Yeah, definitely. This night's almost over. Let's make it last forever. They don't have to mean anything when the riff is that catchy and your voice is a little nasally. That's all you need. Your pop punk after all. Did I mention aliens exist? That's a great song. It's unfortunately how much he believes that.

He's sort of a conspiracy theorist. Oh yeah, I didn't even know I was referencing the song. I was just saying that Tom DeLonge believes in aliens. Oh yeah, no. Song number two off of Enema of the State is a song called Aliens Exist. Hey mom, there's something in the back room. Hope it's not the creatures from above. I didn't realize that that song is about aliens. Actually, yeah. Creatures from above. Time's just moving on and on and on. Soon we'll all be gone. Is that about an invasion or something like that? No, time's just, now you're singing Man Overboard.

Oh, yeah, they all sort of... Soon we'll all be... That's another instance of Tom making fucking three notes work for him. Yeah, and he's sort of getting probed. Remember the pilot of South Park was getting anally probed by aliens? That was the whole thing in the 90s. People loved aliens. They loved probes. And if you can actually fit in an anal probe, that was the big three. I'm just reading the lyrics for Aliens Exist. It's so directly about aliens.

The second verse is, what if people knew that these were real? I'd leave my closet door open all night. I know the CIA would say, what you hear is all hearsay. I wish someone would tell me what was right. Do you think this song made him believe in aliens? Or this was already his magnum opus. I wrote a song about my aliens thing. It must have been percolating, at least.

I don't think he'd gone off the deep end yet. Yeah, which is also... That's another song, Shallow, is also about aliens. I'm off the deep end. Watch as I dive in. It's about getting anally probed by an alien. Every song is about getting a rectal exam. Why are they so interested in our assholes, these aliens? They could do anything they want.

They're not disturbing enough. You're in a ship, you're seeing strange beings for the first time, and they need your ass. They need to see in your ass, man. They need to see our colons to make sure what kind of life forms we are. That's also something a doctor does. You would think that the aliens would have a different MO. But we get a colonoscopy, that's just what they do.

Would you say they have an NMO? Nice, an NMO of the state. That's fun, that's cool. That might be actually a golden mic or a little bit. Because you said it or because I said it? Because who said NMO of the state? I said NMO, like an MO, that's an enema. I think that was a bridge too far.

I brought it back on the rails with NMO of the state. I connected it to Blink 182. I think for that, I get the golden mic. You honestly get a turdy for trying to derail the conversation. You're weird MO pun. That was a perfect. It was off book. It was off script.

It was off in general. It was off, it was just off. I brought it back on. It was off the rails, I brought it on the rails. Yeah, whatever, fine. I don't want to argue about whatever. You don't give a shit. That's why you don't win the golden mic, because you don't give a shit.

You say whatever. This is the highest honor in my life to win the golden mic. The highest honor is the one that you give yourself. I am chuffed and I am cheesed and I am very grateful. I am humbled by this unprecedented run of golden mics. I think it's really cool. You don't win, you get a turdy, you say whatever. It's no big deal.

If I ever got a turdy, which I thankfully never have, I wouldn't be like, oh whatever. You're the only judge. I'm gutted and I'm sad and I'm depressed. Who would give you a turdy? I think anybody can win. You think? It's been a hundred episodes.

You don't think, you know it's only you that's giving them out. It's only you, always you. If I can give you a turdy, I would. I give you a turdy. Do you allow it? Two people can't win a turdy in an episode. You know that rule. And that's actually a third turdy for your candy ass.

For the attempt. You just said you can't give out multiple turdies and then you just gave me not only two, but three. The Discord is going to be popping off over this. I think you're trying to change the rules this late in the game. Everybody sees that. Shout out to the Discord. I think it's at headgum.com.

And then there's a Jake and Amir Patreon channel. So join us in there. Chat with us. I'm popping in there. Alright, let's try to answer some questions. After all, this is an advice show. On the internet. Hosted by us.

Here we go. Episode 450 something. This is when shit really gets real. This is when people start to hit their groove. Yeah. This podcast is about to have a glow up. The next 500 episodes are going to be insane. You think so?

The first 500 were a prequel to this. We're not even at 500 yet. Okay, well then we still have some time for that. This is also prologue. Should we say if Trump wins the election, we'll stop the podcast? Try to put some real fucking stakes to this election. That's pretty fun. Why not?

What else will we have to joke about? It won't be funny anymore. I think if Trump wins on November 3rd, so get out there and vote, but just know if Trump wins, we'll just stop. We'll do one more episode after that and we'll call it a day. I'm into that. The thing that stresses me out a little bit

is that if Trump wins, Trump beats Biden, he beats the Democrats, he beats us in a sense, but putting the podcast on the line is a real direct corollary. Corollary. Trump will beat me specifically.

That's right. I guess that's the fucking fire under my ass that I need. I think that'll make you vote. I really think that'll make you end up needing to vote. For the first time, I think you're going to cast your ballot. I think I finally will

for that third party candidate, that protest vote that I plan on exercising. Joe Jorgensen. All hail President Jorgensen. That's what people say is good news for Biden, is that there's no real third party this year. Whoever was last time,

I already forget, took some votes away from Hillary. Right. Because it was like Jill Stein and that other guy, Ron, something. Yeah. But yeah, that's true. Also, people hated Hillary, so I think they were a lot willing,

more willing to check out that third party candidate. And then like old people who didn't like voting for a woman will vote for Joe. So between the old people, the third party people, and the 3 million people that already preferred Hillary, that should be enough

for us to keep our podcast alive. Can you imagine what would happen if a Democrat lost the popular vote by 3 million, but won the Electoral College? The Republican Party just wouldn't stand for that. The Electoral College would be

dismantled the next day. It's so frustrating sometimes that like we just let them make the rules. They feel bad. You make the rules. And then like if the rules ever suddenly work in our favor,

they'll just be changed. That's a plus, yeah. Well, I equated it to like calling Shotgun, but then the guy who steals it from you, it's like, do you really want to now wrestle in a parking lot to like sit in Shotgun, or are you just going to say, fine, you can have it. It's true.

I don't want to personally wrestle that guy, but I want to elect people that will. That's what I want. I don't want to fucking... I want hotheads. I want people that are fighting the same exact way. Yeah, and it's weird because the Republicans don't necessarily look like hothead,

meatheads. They look like jawless coward men. So I'm not quite sure why they're fighting harder. I think, well, I think it's... I'm not sure either. I think that's partially why it's so frustrating. But like Fox News definitely plays a role. Like having

like a disinformation platform of go-to. That's helpful, I'm sure. I guess you also have to just not give a shit morally. And like, they definitely just don't give a shit about looking bad or being bad people. They've already made that deal with the devil. I'm okay looking bad

morally if like the right thing is happening. Like upsetting some Republicans or whatever. Right, and that's what they think too. They're like, I'm okay looking like a dick to the Democrats because I'm doing what I need to do to stay in power and make my constituents

happy. Do they have constituents? We're talking too much about politics. They're light of the constituents. They're light of the constituents. They are killing them with the coronavirus. They're giving corporate tax breaks and they're just sort of like...

And then they have like a news organization that tells everybody that that's not happening or the Democrats are doing it. So it's kind of insane. But the majority of people in Kentucky or wherever Mitch McConnell's from are down for it and will vote for him again. Yes.

We agree. Kentucky will vote for him again. Alright. Moving out of America, this is a 25 year old from Australia. Very nice. God damn what I love to fucking live where you do.

Yeah. Let's just... Trump wins. We're out of here. We have a lot of podcasts and we'll be Australian, I don't know commercial writers or something. Yeah. You know, actually I've mentioned this before but I've been taking that...

I've been doing that like outdoor training at the McCarran Park and one of the instructors for this gym is an Aussie and he was talking to me about moving to NUSA in Australia.

NUSA? No, is that like inland or something? Oh no. This is ocean. It's called NUSA Shire, it looks like. It's a little north of like the Sunshine Coast near Brisbane.

Oh, I see. Yeah, like when you walk around L.A. or New York and you like walk into like an Australian coffee shop, you're like, oh that's cool, it's foreign, it's like Aussie, they know what they're doing. It's cool to have like an Australian-owned business. We can do that. We can do that in fucking Australia.

We'll open an American themed, I don't know, what are we good at? Ham. We'll open a Boston market on fucking Brighton Beach. That's cool. You want to open a two guys there and Bondi?

Yeah, so it's like Bondi Beach, but then also if you want turkey and ham and mashed potatoes, we're also there. Hey, we're from America. Does anyone want turkey and gravy? We do a tater tot stand here in Byron Bay now.

We're out of business, but it doesn't matter because we're happy. Yes, all right, so if the podcast, if Trump wins, we quit the podcast, we move to NUSA, Australia. That's the new Hawaii. That's what I'm pitching. NUSA is the NUSA. How do you spell it?

N-O-O-S-A. Just do me a favor and Google image search. NUSA, Australia. Oh, wow. It does look like Hawaii. What's going on here? I don't know. It just looks like utopia. It's on the other side of the world from Fox and Friends.

That's what I want. NUSA. Where is this in relation to Kentucky? Let me see. Directions from NUSA to Kentucky. Oh, it's pretty far.

Yeah, it's like, it looks like it's 18,000 miles away. That's friggin' really not bad. Yeah, that's about as far as you could get. It's known for its heavy surf though. I'm kind of worried that we'll stand out a little bit.

If there's an undertow, I won't fucking make it. Do the waves get bigger than two feet? Because when I boogie, sometimes I crash on my sternum and it hurts. There's a friggin' cross rip, guys.

I'm on a boogie board and a surf board and it pales me on the first day. It just fucking slices me in half. Oh! I'm on the beach watching and a shark just comes up and bites my leg. Slippery little bitch.

Oh my god, it came on the sand. This isn't happening. I need to go back to the valley. I need to go back to Encino. Pence is in Batman. Christ! Let me back in.

What's that? You won't let anybody enter your country anymore? Sort of a new edict. Immigration and tourism is completely shut down. That's fair. Back to Nusa with my ass. All right. This is a 25-year-old from Australia and during quarantine

Oh wait, we don't have a name for this guy. We'll call him Heath Ledger. Oh, okay. Yeah, wow. During quarantine, my girlfriend and I have been experimenting sexually to keep each other from going insane. And it's been a lot of fun. We even started role-playing it being close to Halloween

and all. I'm 100% down. But what happened next was nothing short of fuckery. She suggested a schoolgirl outfit, a classic, but for some reason an air hostess costume popped into my head. She means stewardess for us American folk. A flight attendant

if you will. And I thought it would be fairly hot. I suggested it to my girlfriend and she lost it. She said it was weird and creepy and not a sexy job. And said that from now on she won't feel comfortable getting on flights with me because she thinks I'll be checking out the cabin crew. What?

Yeah, is this weird or creepy? I don't think so. It seems like a pretty hot thing. The mile-high club and all. I'm suggesting a new schoolgirl which seems way more fucked up if you think about it. How do I calm her down and convince her that I was joking and not attracted

to flight attendants? Yeah, start with being like do you think I'm attracted to schoolchildren when we do this other role-playing thing? That's way more fucked up. God, just play her this part of the podcast. That's crazy. A flight attendant is of age.

You're not talking about, you know, a Britney Spears type. You're talking about a Mike Myers in that one movie type. And they're like undeniably hot. That's like a sexy ass job for sure. Yeah. It's at the very least a classic fantasy

and she can't get mad at you because this whole thing was like a fun role-playing thing. Yeah. You can't cank shame. If you're going to do, if you're going to enter role-playing, then like that's got to be a safe space for you to share because like, now you can kind of be

like, okay, you've made me feel bad about my fantasy. Fine. I understand. But look, this kind of ruined like suggesting different things to role-play. This ruined experimentation for me. Yeah. Because now, now I feel

ashamed to say any of my ideas because you'll call me a pervert and he's not want to go places with me. He's dressed like a pilot this entire time. Like now I feel pretty bad. I obviously feel bad. I wonder if he dressed like a pilot if that would be equally weird for her or she would be

into it. If she would be into it, then you can call her a hypocrite because she's into the aviation costumes as well. You guys could both be flight attendants too. I don't know. I also when they were talking about the fantasy I sort of imagined there's a pilot

and the flight attendant. Though it is also hot to just, it's just kind of weird to role-play as a passenger. Yeah. It's like a boring one, you know. Yeah, business man. Ma'am, can I have two creamers with the coffee and an extra blanket?

Do you know if the flight to St. Louis is going to be leaving on time? Because I don't think I'll make my connecting. It's a little bumpy. You're on spirit air. My headset jack isn't working.

God, how hot would a fantasy be if they like didn't charge you for an overhead bag on fucking spirit? That's hot. So your fantasy is just get away with the extra charge. But you can bring on, oh yeah, you only

allow to carry on in a personal item. I can see you have a bag as well, but you just got it at Hudson News, so I'll let it slide. And you can slide. Did you want any perfume by the Gallon Duty Free Style? Oh!

We also sell cartons of cigarettes, and I'll give it to you when we land in Ottawa. I got a bottle of Baileys tax free. $48 for a jug of gin. Baby.

An XL bag of peanut M&Ms. Meet me in the bathroom. All right, yeah, tell her it's no big deal that she shouldn't. Yeah, she can't shame you. This whole thing was hopefully her idea too, unless it wasn't. Yeah.

I mean, you could just be like, okay, we will not revisit that fantasy, and then have a little reset. There's no reason, because this fantasy just popped into your head anyway. It's not like it was a deep-seated fantasy. But you can just be like, all right, let's forget about that one, just so

we can go over the ground rules for suggesting fantasies. I will only feel comfortable if you don't make me feel like shit after I say something. And also, can we take a quick flight together? I want to check out the new costumes that

TWA just rolled out. I mean, my God, this is even Nusa, baby. All right, let's take a break. Thanks to sponsors, and we'll be back after these messages. Rad. Wow.

That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not-so-tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon,

these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's

grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they are they're a great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parent's

kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant?

Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like

that. Or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you.

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And we're back. Jake, do you have any? You know I don't know if I do, but you just got a haircut, right? Yeah, that's kind of unsolicited. Would you recommend that? I think I would. I was

growing it out, which is always fun. Everyone likes a good grow out, but there's always like, you know, after seven, eight months, like the ends of your hair is just too much. It's like scraggly, split end damaged, flying everywhere, going into my eyes, going into my ears.

I was afraid to get a haircut at a barber because I don't want to like stand inside with a bunch of strangers, one of them cutting my hair. I looked into outdoor haircuts. Finally, Abital, my girlfriend that lives with me is like, I can figure it out. I can cut your hair because she bought professional

scissors to cut her own hair. She had the equipment. She looked on YouTube. Yeah. And I was you know, a little nervous because this is her first haircut, but it turned out great. I was like, oh, this is awesome. This is perfect. I don't need a professional haircut anymore. Whatever. Ever again.

Yeah, I guess not. You think you'll just like, that's all you need to do. If she'll have me, I'll just keep getting a free haircut at home. Five years from now, there's no coronavirus. All gone. Everything's fine. You would be getting your haircut from Abital.

Yeah. I mean, I did the math. I'm like, I usually get a haircut a month for like $40. It's like $500 a year that I'm saving. Wow. That's pretty crazy. But you're still wearing it long on top. You made this style of choice.

Yeah. I wanted it to I basically found a picture of Paul Rudd on the hot ones and I was like, I want it to look like that. So still long, but just not as my problem was the thickness of it. Like my hair underneath the hair that you can see was pushing it out so much that it looked like I was wearing ear muffs.

So she was like thinning it, but still keeping the length, but still trimming like the last like three inches, which like went down to my mouth instead of back up to my nose. Wow. Damn. So you're do you feel like this is your new your new style? You want to have like a semi hair cut. Yeah.

In two months, you'll cut it back to this. Yeah, I think so. Maybe go a little bit shorter on the sides, but yeah, overall, I'm happy with this current haircut. Happy with the current price. She did a great job and I didn't I only pay her $35. So I saved five

bucks. So oh, so you I mean, you were talking about save $500 a year, but it sounds like you're you're going to save like what is that? Like 50 bucks a year? Yeah, I basically pay her to do a bunch of shit. So like I saved money on the haircut and then I don't

have to pay her to sleep next to me. What? She took it out. I basically have a stipend or a fund that like a $500 I had I hired her on retainer. She's like a what? Otherwise, she will she'll leave here. Yes, leave

me. She'll be with you and you pay her to stay. I'll pay her hold my hand. I'll pay her to watch a film with me. I'll pay her to cut my hair. I'll pay her to say nice things to me when I'm sad. I see. So you pay her a stipend to live with you

and then you pay her all a cart for certain things throughout the day if you're feeling low. Yes. And it's not really like a sexual thing either. It's more like telling me that the sandwich was good or something like that. No, it's so needy.

It's beyond sexual for sure. It's beyond meat. So yeah, I'll have her make me like a veggie burger and that cost $41. Does he pay for the burger? I do pay for the burger and I pay for the cooking fee and I pay for the shopping fee.

I'll pay her to shop for her for her to cook for me to compliment her cost cash as well. Oh, wow. To talk to her cost money. Yes. I just don't know if this is scalable. Is she doing this with any other guys

or is it just you? Well, I pay her an exclusive fee of $1,500 a month. She was doing it with other guys, but nobody else wanted to pony up the exclusive fee you see. You're into something different. That's what it is. Now she only does it with one other person

able to pay for the ultimate exclusive fee, which is $10,000 a month. So me and Arthur kind of split that monthly thing. Do you ever pay her to say mean shit to Arthur? Of course. The problem is Arthur doubles it.

Arthur doubles it to block me. She's playing you guys off each other. She's like, hey, Arthur asked me to hold his hand for $25, but I can slap him across the face for $50. Then I'll do that. It starts like a fucking bidding war. She's like an auctioneer between me

and Arthur to the point where I think I'm getting taken advantage of. Right. She might just be with Arthur and it's all a fucking ruse. It's all a ruse to gouge you. Yes. I'm being gouged at the pump and at home.

Jill wants me to get a haircut actually. Like super short or just clean it up? She wants me to clean it up. I don't want to cut it. I just want to keep my hair and my beard growing. I don't want to touch it. I haven't touched it.

I guess I shaved maybe a month and a half ago. I just want to grow my hair and my beard through the winter and see what's what. Which is very possible. It's starting to get cold over there. You're not going anywhere.

But Jill wants me to get like a a haircut for growing out your hair. For long hair. So it grows in even and layered or whatever. I get

that that is a thing in theory. But I feel like I've done it before when I was trying to grow out my hair and they just cut it super short. Because I walk in there and they make an executive decision. Like this guy looks bad. I'm going to cut his hair short that's what society wants.

Where are people getting haircuts in New York? My barbershop, I don't know how they have my number but like actually two or three barbershops send me bi-weekly text messages. That's twice a week. They're like, they want people to come by.

And the place where I usually where I used to get my haircut they only have two seats. They're like and I've been going there because they also sell coffee. So I've been going there. It seems pretty safe. Yeah, I don't want to get a cut. But then also people are

on Instagram doing the outdoor haircuts and stuff. What's going to happen in New York in the winter? A lot of the things right now are kind of half opened outdoors. Bars and restaurants are at the very least staying alive when it's outdoors. But when it's 22 degrees out are people going to be eating

brunch outside still? People are talking about it. There are a lot of these places they had like temporary outdoor seating that is becoming more and more permanent. They're like building wooden structures in the street. Into the sidewalk.

Into the street, like instead of parking spots and then like they're putting tent covers on the side, heat lamps in there, blankets across your lap. I think that's the plan. It's not a great plan but it's going to allow restaurants to hopefully

survive. I've really liked going to outdoor dining when I can. Does that survive if there's snow? If there's rain? If there's freezing conditions? I don't think that a lot of people, restaurants weren't completely packed

when there's rain and snow anyway. So I think that if it's a clear night, even if it's cold, I think people will go out, I think people will sit by the heat lamps do the blankets on the laps as long as the restaurant has a good enough

shelter. I think you can do indoor outdoor dining while it's cold. They do it in Scandinavia. They do that. We're just not used to it here. One last question. Let's do it.

Okay. This one is another, let's talk about a good intercourse question from a ladies point of view. Okay. A 23 year old law student. We'll call her Zz... Zendaya.

Nice. Absolutely Zendaya. How old do you think Zendaya is? 19. Let's see. 24. Oh, it was closer. You didn't say anything. No, because I said 23 year old

student, so I was like, I'm guessing that she's 23. Alright, fine. Sorry. Didn't mean to bite your head off. Hello, Josh and OK Bloomer. Shout out to my tiktok. Let's talk about sex. I'm having it and it's great. And for some context,

I'm a female 23 year old law student. He's a 23 year old medical student and we broke the covid laws to come together and come together, you know what I'm saying. Yeah, very cool. I'm typically one to leave immediately after sex and I rarely double dip.

However, I've broken my normal rules and we've been I've broken my normal rules and we've been sleeping together once or twice a week for the past one to two months and we always spend about one to two hours having sex a few times and then he leaves. At first, this was ideal

as I hate spending the night with people, but as it's been an ongoing thing and he's even said he's not sleeping with anyone else, I'm starting to want more. We never hang out outside the bedroom and nothing has changed from the beginning. Should I just assume he's only in it for the sex

just as I was in the beginning, considering we've never once brought up a date eating together or watching a movie? It's always just one of us sending a 10pm text after we're done with studying for the day. I keep considering to bring it up to him but I don't want to lose good sex by bringing up dating. What should I do?

First of all, great awesome situation to be in. You're having great sex with a smart guy that's not sleeping with other people, at least as he says. Awesome. Great. I think that you don't... Rare condition is like two people who are texting each other

at 10pm both equally interested in having sex and then falling asleep separately. Definitely. And I think the thing is that you're like almost like you're equating bringing this up with ruining it. It's a one step thing.

I do one thing and it's ruined but usually it's like a 10 step process to really ruin something. Maybe four or five steps. I think that you don't have to be like what are we doing here or do you want to date me or not or whatever. You just... What's the next step?

After you're done having sex do you want to stick around and watch a movie? Do you want to order food? It's just one thing. And if they say no then that doesn't take away the sex moving forward. Yeah. Then it's just an indicator that it's a casual relationship.

Or you can even ask that question like two or three times I think without anything really. Like if you fuck and then say do you want to order a burrito I don't think you would be like... Nido. Look. This is all moving a little too fast

for me. Like you've already done... a lot shows. But this is way too much too soon. I'll get a quesadilla but I'm not that kind of guy. I'm down to eat guac with you but I'm not down to guac with you.

This burrito is a little too wet. Yeah. So you say take a baby step towards a half date. Maybe it's like oh if you... Yeah. Because the next text will come around 10 p.m. Maybe you can do a text at 9

or a text at 8 or a text at 7. I have this DVD from Redbox, Amistad that I was going to watch at 8.30 if you were around. So fucking romantic. Fucking get Amistad at Redbox.

Outside of a 7.11 I was going to rent this Redbox DVD if you're around. It's Beavis and Budhead from New America. Oh yeah, Netflix works too or a streaming service. Yeah. You're already chilling. You can easily slide in Netflix after that.

Yeah. And I mean you're also both you're both busy with like law and medicine isn't that right? So... Law and order. You won't even say law and order. He won't say radical

antifa terrorism and he wants to sleep over. I don't think so. No. He won't say Democrat. God. I don't understand why the response when it's like he won't say

law and order. Like I guess Biden did eventually say it. But like if you set someone up that badly like couldn't you just be like yes I will law and order you fucking moron. No! He starts melting. Shit he said it. Now what will

my attack be? Meanwhile like the response is like alright I said it now will you say that being a Nazi is bad? He's like oh well what do you want? I don't know about that. That's 20% of my vote. Stand by! That's how dumb Trump is. Thinking

on his feet he couldn't even say like he is trying to to like thread a needle where he doesn't have to condemn white supremacists. But like saying stand by is probably the dumbest thing because it's the opposite of condemning them. Oh I thought of another

good question they can ask him at one of these debates slash town halls. I was going to say what's Baron's birthday? What's your son's birthday? There's no way you memorized it right? No. No way. Absolutely no way. And that would be a fun like moment.

I bet he doesn't know birthday's anniversaries. I'm certainly not. So great. Great. Gotcha. You don't know your son's birthday. Obviously it wouldn't swing anything but it's just fun to have him try to make you maybe be wrong. At this point like

the sides have been chosen. Let's just ask questions that embarrass the guy. Suburban woman will you like me? We're going to miss him when he's gone by the way. We make fun of him a lot but like I'm going to really miss him when he's gone. And I think he's going to win

and we're going to have to quit the podcast so y'all will miss us. When we're gone. When we're gone. Alright well that's it. Another episode in the books will it be 455 of 7000

or 455 of 458 because this whole thing is coming to an abrupt halt with Donald Trump wins. We don't know yet. That's what makes it so exciting. Wow. Pretty cool right? Pretty cool.

Pretty cool indeed. Alright. The opening theme song was Alex Lansy. This closing one is by Trevor Jennings. Let's see if he had anything special to say. Trevor Jennings. Day one JNA fan and Patreon supporter.

Thank you. You can shout out my Instagram at oddsocky s-a-k-i and at inkyboy where he publishes his illustrations. So there you have it. Oh also Jake good to hear you have ancestry stemming from Nova Scotia

that's also where I'm from. So I guess we're distant cousins or some shit. Sweet. If Moosa doesn't take me I'll be moving to Nova Scotia. That's good. So you can either do like the beach thing or like the wet lens. Do you prefer like being like kind of like Seattle

like fifties drizzling or like the beach vibes where it's like 80 and sunny. 80 and sunny all the way. But you know I like to dip into some some cool you know wetter climate Pacific Northwest.

You can do both. Well Nova Scotia is on the east coast. Yeah. A lot more doable. Yeah. Alright cool. Thank you to Trevor thank you to Alex. Thank you to you guys for listening. If you have your own questions or theme songs

send them all down to If I Were You Show at gmail.com And we'll be back next week. Later folks. Later everybody. If I Were You I'd grow a chin strapped beard. That's how you make a bad booty

go clap go clap go clap hand. If I Were You Show starts now. And for everyone's information I can still get with girls. That was a hit dumb original.

Thanks for watching.