If I Were You - 46: Christmas Gift

Episode Date: December 16, 2013

In this episode we discuss second chances, sexy clothes, and the perfect gift.This episode is brought to you by SquareSpace! Easiest way to build a website or online store, ever: http://bit.ly/17DIXqWSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Jakin'a me Wherever there's a jake There'll always be a man Whenever there's a rapster There'll always be a tingle Wherever there's a goose There'll always be a ass Any time there's a pop There's always this porcupus, yeah Herobrine. Alright. Alright, this episode is brought to you by Coca-Cola.

No, it's not. What? It's not. But that was the theme. Yeah, it was just a catchy theme song. You think Coca-Cola would sponsor this show? What a low-budget, a non-priority that would be for them. They take out Super Bowl ads.

They don't give a shit about reaching our podcast. More people listen to our podcast and watch the Super Bowl. Oh, no. You really think that. You have delusions of grandeur now. I think more people watch... I'm trying to figure out the exact math, but I bet 20 to 30 times more people watch one Super Bowl than have ever listened to our podcast.

20 to 30 times? Yeah. That makes you feel good. That was sobering. That was more than a reality check. I really think more people knew who I am than Peyton Manning. Just hearing those numbers, I'm starting to think maybe that's not the case. I've never felt smaller than I do right now.

I'm sitting in your guest bedroom with a mic plugged into a fucking switchboard. I'm microscopic. I'm a fuck of dust floating through time and space. Worse than dust. That theme song was actually recorded by a brother-sister duo. Nice. Jake and Iris. Do you think they hook up?

No. What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you think they... Look at your one-track mind. Even when I talk about siblings, that's the first thing it goes to. That's not enough. It's enough from you. Sorry.

It's a little early on a Monday for a blast. Don't you think? Do you think it's too early? I don't think so. I don't know if I want to start the week off on blast. I don't think I want it to start the week off thinking about incest. Here we are. We're both on a little sour now.

To be perfectly honest, I might put you on blast or putting me on blast. You can't put me on a reverse blast. Honestly, I won't do it. I'm not going to do it. That's because I wouldn't do that to somebody. I would never put someone on a Monday blast. You just put me on a Monday blast. Borderline don't appreciate that.

I guess I'm borderline putting you on blast. Anyway, what the hell are we doing? What is this? This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. Did you put your phone on airplane mode? No, but it's because my brother is coming and I don't know what he's going to get here.

Okay, so if there's little static throughout the episode, that's fine because your brother's coming. What if I hold it over here? No. So the UV rays or whatever the fuck. I don't fucking understand how this works. I've never heard static before. I've left my phone off airplane mode at least once or twice and you haven't even noticed. You ever put your phone next to your speakers and hear that like...

No. And then your phone goes off? I never have. No? That doesn't sound familiar to you? Putting your phone next to speakers and hearing a little static electricity before you get a text message? Your whole argument relied on me agreeing. And if I never agree, in fact, I can't even hear you.

I don't even have a phone, loser. That's right. Reality is what I think of it. So how does this podcast work? People are in difficult places in their lives and they don't know what to do. They don't know who to turn to. Their friends and family are all right, I guess. But what they really want to hear is our opinions.

So they'll email us at ifirishow at gmail.com. We comb through the thousands of submissions and we choose about four to answer every episode. This is where I think your intro goes off the rails. What? If I can give you a live critique here. I'd rather you didn't. At this point, I feel like I'm a... A live critique?

It's not a Monday Blast. It's a live critique. So when I call you out, it's a Monday Blast. When you call me out, it's a live critique. Yeah, it's pretty nice that I'm doing this. What I'm doing is a favor. What you're doing is putting me on Blast. I feel like you just don't know how to take criticism.

I also make the intro so much longer by trying to help you trim every single time. So we don't have to say we comb through the thousands of submissions? Yeah, I would. Maybe comb through the thousands is okay. I feel like we choose four to five. So we're like, oh, we choose thousands of submissions and here we go. People email us in and we do our best to help. Let's get started.

That's it. All right, I'm going to do that next episode. That sounds really nice. Yeah. We'll see. I'm sorry. No, no, that's good. All right, let's get started.

You're cracking your hands. Your phone's shattering. You're like the Hulk right now. I guess I made you mad. You won't like me when I'm thinking about ways to improve myself. It's like the Hulk, but he just really hates improvement. All right. Shall we get started?

Let's do it. Let's give this real email, real person a fake name to preserve their anonymity. And I'm going to tell, I'm going to say that this person's name is Donatello. Donatello. Donatello writes, dear Jack and Amir. Nice asshole. Real nice douchebag. Black.

He was probably kidding. Fucking jerk. All right. Jesus. Nice one. Scum. Yes. Scum.

You critiqued me on the podcast, which was fine. And a guy called you Jack. And this motherfucker's called me Jack. You're so much anger than I ever was. My mom and dad were proud to name you Jacob. Okay. So I don't go by Jack. All right.

Jack's actually a cooler name if you think about it. I won't. I'm Josh. All right. Donatello writes, dear guys, Christmas is coming up and all me relatives are asking me what want. I don't want anything because the only thing they want to give me are books, which I already have or things I don't want.

How do I tell them that I don't want them to give me anything? It would be great if you guys can answer it before it's too late. Thanks, Donatello. So I was right when I called him a douchebag and scum and a motherfucker. But not for the reason that you had to. I was right when I called him a douchebag and scum and a motherfucker. But not for the reason that you had first thought. Yeah.

What should he do? He already has all the books. You have every book. He has every book. Okay. They already want to give me books, which I already have. He has all of them. Yeah.

Every book. Yeah. He lives in the Library of Congress. He owns every single book. This guy doesn't need a gift. He's probably a multi-billionaire. He owns every single book. You should sell some of your books.

Yeah. And then you can have anything you want. I feel like if you just sold 10% of every book ever, you'd make a fortune. It's so weird to be like, I don't want anything. Yeah. How do I tell them that? I don't know. Jerk.

Just why don't you just at least give them an answer. They want to give you a gift. It's a present. All you have to do is give them a direction. Or you could just say, oh, I don't know. I like anything. You don't have to be like, how do I tell them to fuck off? Or what about like a donation in your name?

Yeah. You're a grinch. Yeah. These guys are the goddamn grinch. You're the goddamn grinch. I feel Christmas. No, I don't think he's stealing it. Oh, he's the opposite of the grinch.

It's the minch. Which is what? He's trying to give Christmas back? Then you're Santa. If you're giving away all the gifts. Wait a second. Holy shit. The grinch and Santa, you're some kind of...

This question comes from the North Pole. Oh. Mr. Claus. I'm so sorry. I called you a douchebag. Oh, please. Please don't give me the gift. Shit.

I got coal. I got coal. I'm a coal man. How is that fair? So instead of what do you give the guy that has everything? It's what do you give the guy that wants nothing? I think, yeah, a donation in your name is pretty nice. Find a charity that you like and say, I don't want any gifts, but maybe donate to this charity.

No, I don't want to do that either. I already have all the donations. Asshole. I don't want anything. I don't understand. It seems like you just haven't thought a lot. It's funny because in theory, if someone is like, no, I don't need a gift. I already have everything I need.

That sounds very special, but this guy makes it sound awful. Yeah. I've got more than I could ever need, but it's not like... It's like, I already have books and they're trying to give me shit that I don't want. Does he think there are only like nine books? He only thinks Harry Potter's are books. It's like, I already have books. I have the books.

The eight books. What are the books do I need? He has one Bible. That's it. In fact, this is all the books in one. It's all the story. The greatest story ever told. Yeah.

The greatest lie ever told. Oh, that's enough. No. Yeah. I'm putting God himself on a Monday blast. Holy shit. Lord. This is insane.

A big strike by lightning. God. He just blasted you back. The ultimate blast. So to this Grinch, we say, ask for money to be donated. Then you'll come off as a really good guy. Or socks. White T-shirts.

I feel like you never have too many plain white T's. That's, they're nice. So fuck donations. Fuck charity. I'm saying charity and you're like, no, you can never have enough. You can never have enough T-shirts. Haynes. Get some Haynes.

Nice. A nice V-neck. Oh, V-necks actually. I think I would get asked for two packages. They've got the comfort soft crew neck. That's really nice. That's a nice white T. You're going to want to wash it because it comes a little creased.

And then also the, this episode was brought to you by Haynes and Coca-Cola. Our biggest sponsors ever. A V-neck white T is really nice. Though I like, I prefer Fruit of the Loom V-necks to Haynes. Okay. And I say give it to charity. And I say charity gets a lot of money around Christmas. So he could use some T's.

Seize the T's. Seize the T's. All right. Those are two solid options if I were used. Oh, we're a hat. All right. That's it. Okay.

Hat is nice. All right. Go. Boom. Electric toothbrush. Damn. We're done. Hat, socks, T's.

There you go. A jacket. All right. Donation. Electric toothbrush. Leather jacket. iPod. Nano.

Boom. Suspenders. There we go. Club. Like, I don't really know the rest of that song. I'm so sorry. Next question. Yes.

This one comes from someone we'll call Leonardo. Leonardo. All right. Leonardo writes, I love my girlfriend, but she always wears very loose fitting clothing. She's still a mint, but I have to use my imagination when I'm with her because her clothes aren't skin tight. At the same time, I don't want creepy perverts staring at her when we're out in public. What should I do? Thanks, Leonardo.

Well, gee whiz, it sounds like you, maybe you should get your girlfriend a collar and a leash. Why? Because he seems like he wants to be able to control her. I'm serious, dude. You are blasting away. God is not safe. Leonardo is not safe. Blast off.

3, 2, 1. Blast off. This is a goddamn blast-a-thon, and God will damn you for blasting his son. Excuse me. Yes, excuse me. I don't deserve this lambasting of blasting. Yeah, you've been blasted lamb for this. I don't think that is fair at all.

God's gonna smite me? This guy needs a magical potion to make his girlfriend hot to him and ugly to everyone else. Because why would she want to be with him if she was so hot that she can get someone who's not shallow enough to care about what clothes that she wears? Oh, wow. Can you imagine what if she finds someone that doesn't care about what clothes she wears? She would leave him in a heartbeat. Your girlfriend wears clothes that she feels comfortable in, bud. You can't dictate what she wears.

And you can't be happy that she wears baggy clothes so she doesn't get hit on. You gotta just let her do her. Seems like you're just approaching it from all the wrong angles. You want her to be more attractive, but then you're considering not that because you're afraid that other guys will hit on her, but then you don't want her to be ugly because then your friends won't respect you. I'm gonna try to put myself in his shoes, okay? I'm gonna try to put myself in his shoes. You have a girlfriend.

Try to connect with... I remember high school. Yeah. My girlfriend would wear skirts. We went to different high schools. Yeah. And like... So how'd you meet her?

Well, like a party or some shit. What? What does that mean? You partied with different high schools? Well, yeah, I went to a private high school and I didn't have that many friends there. So all my friends went to the... Other high school. Other high school.

Many met her. Yeah. A little Romeo and Juliet action. Private school boy, public school girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Yeah. Yeah, wearing her skirts. You jerking off. You jerk off to Romeo and Juliet?

The most romantic story ever told, yeah. So, but like I would see her after school and she'd be wearing skirts and I'd be like, oh no, like you're wearing that skirt all day and like jealous that guys got to like look at you and like if somebody was coming up behind you on the stairs, what if your skirt like blew up in the wind and like someone saw your underwear or your butt. Which is something a stupid high schooler thinks. But you don't feel that anymore? Like if you're a girlfriend, like say you had a girlfriend and she was wearing a really

low-cut shirt and she bent over to pick something up and some pervert just like stared down her shirt and saw her nipple. Yeah, I guess that'd be bad. Would you feel like, hey, don't wear low-cut shirts anymore? Uh, you really, you're making me think about stuff that I don't want to think about, man. What do you mean? Oh no, oh no, oh he's crying. How is this average?

You always want shit to be average. How is this average? Why do you want it to be average? How is this ordinary? I want to live a life not extraordinary. How is this normal and then I slowly switch to average? How is this average? Well, okay, so it's true, you don't want.

But it's stuff to be like, I don't want you wearing this. Well, I mean the thing is, the weird thing is that she's not wearing that. Right. She's currently wearing clothes that are like nice, normal, loose-fitting, like not drawing too much pervy attention. Though you should also trust humanity a little bit that it's not like mostly perverts. But I am, so who knows? There's also an area in between slutty and baggy, normal.

Right. But how do you suggest to your girlfriend to wear normal clothes? I think, well Christmas is coming up, you could just buy her a slightly smaller shirt. And I think like positive reinforcement always goes a long way. It's never good to be like, I want you to wear this. It's nicer to be like, if you see her in something that's like in line with the way you ideally want her to dress, compliment it. That's it.

And then she likes you, she's going to... So if I were you, you'd use positive reinforcement to sort of steer her towards the clothes that you do like. Yeah, power positivity. I think in a relationship, a lot of times people are like, oh do you like this shirt? Does this look good? Which one do I wear? Right.

You can steer it. But it's weird to have like a conversation that's like, I would like you to dress sexier. Yeah. But not so sexy that perverts are looking at you. I don't know. I want you in that special zone where you're hot but you're mine. Yeah. So I feel bad for calling this guy an asshole.

I sort of understand. Wow. We're really growing today. It's amazing. We're special. It's funny. This podcast is for other people but it's also for us. We're both crying and hugging.

For 23 minutes. All right. Two questions deep. You want to take our little break? A little breather. A little. Is there anything we want to talk about? Your pre-party ritual yesterday was pretty funny.

The ritual? Yeah. The running to a mall to get clothes that you're going to return. I feel like this podcast makes me sound poorer and poorer. You felt ugly. I felt very ugly yesterday. I forgot my bag at your house. We're too far away from your house for me to change.

And we're going to a holiday party in Beverly Hills at some CEO's house. It's super swanky. Or at least I was under the impression that it was going to be. All right. It was like cocktail attire or business casual or whatever. So I needed clothes and we walked down the street and couldn't find anything. It was like we have to be at the party in half an hour. We need to go to the mall.

So we got in your car, sped to a mall, ran into a J crew where you found clothes that were too expensive for you to purchase. So you got them on credit, wore them without taking the tags off. Yeah. Even off the tie. I successfully hid the tag on the tie. You're like a homeless person who someone dressed up. It was a real life hack.

So my socks were disgusting. I bought new socks and I bought a new blazer and a tie. And then I went into the bathroom and I threw out my underwear. Oh wait, didn't you almost get caught too when she was checking out? She was like, do you want a bag? And I was like, no, I'm just going to wear it right now. She's like, oh, I'll cut the tag off. I was like, no, no, no.

It's a gift. It's a gift. So you're wearing a gift. So I like locked her face into memory. So if I go in today and she's there, I can avoid her. You have to go through extra effort to actually do that. If I don't lock someone's face into memory, I just won't forget. I just locked her.

I do not forget her eyes. I control-est her. Dude, I got a bad facial recognition. Me too. All the time. And I'm like, hey, nice to meet you. Every single time I'm seeing someone, I'm terrified of saying nice to meet you or hey. Is that normal?

I feel like I'm bad at that. I remember the first week of college, I'm like, I can't think about what my professor looks like. If I've met someone once, I can't process what their face looks like. Yeah, it's hard for me too. And we also end up meeting a lot of people. Right. I feel like we-

And when I see them, they look familiar. But if I close my eyes and try to think of someone that I met yesterday, I wouldn't be able to. Right. If somebody that's ever like, we did this or we met here, I'm like, oh, of course. I can see it. But actually, yesterday at that party, three different people, I stuck my hand out to say nice to meet you. And they hugged me.

And they were like, we know each other. One of them was Mike Shabak, who you've been working with for seven years. Mikey! All right. Good story. Good story. Good times. Good times.

Have you ever turned the clothes yet? No. I'm going to go do it this afternoon. Why don't people do that more often? Just buy a really awesome outfit, wear it for one night, and then come back with it the next day. I think people do that. I feel like they did it in some movie that I was watching.

Oh, Never Been Kissed by Drew Barrymore. Drew Barrymore wrote and directed. Never Been Kissed. Drew Barrymore's Never Been Kissed. She really hadn't been. That's why she was cast in that movie. Oh, my God. That first kiss was the one on camera with Hugh Grant.

That's a really depressing movie. She's like 30 years old, and she'd never had her first kiss. Hey, I'm sure there's some 30-year-olds that have never had their first kiss. Listen to the show. Not that I look like Drew Barrymore. Okay, so you're just making them feel worse at this point. Yeah, but if they do, that they're ugly, all right? They're not fucking smoke shows.

Are there 30-year-olds that haven't been kissed? Sure there are. Okay. I'm sorry. I'll kiss you. Have you ever been kissed, writers of the podcast, and I'll kiss you? You know what I mean, kids? Put your cheek up to the speaker right now.

Actually. Oh, God. Oh, fuck. Oh, Jesus Christ, dude. Dude, get that microphone out of your fucking mouth. You feel so fucking good. Oh, God. You feel so fucking good about this.

No, a bit is over. I do want you to stop this. I'm getting a weird level of turned off. My dick is going... I've never been... I think you turned me asexual. My dick shrunk into a nothing. I have a vagina now after that.

I think I just have a clit. Oh, God. I'm glad this podcast isn't rated PG-13. It's rated NC-17. Take that, Coca-Cola, you fucking bitch. And we just lost our biggest sponsor to date. I love Coca-Cola. You do like Coca-Cola.

What are we free advertising for Coca-Cola? I guess it's like they're doing fine. It's pretty great. This is a real weird aside, but we'll do this and then get back to the questions. But I saw this poster yesterday in a diner, and it was from 1936 celebrating Coca-Cola's 50th anniversary. So they had been around since the 1880s.

What company was able to stay relevant for 140 years? One that pumps their drinks filled with sugar. But still, think about anything that was popular in the 1800s. It's all gone away completely. There's just weird tooth powder and products that no longer exist, but Coca-Cola is still the number one drink in the world. Crazy. Do you think those guys make bank?

I bet the CEO of Coca-Cola is making like two grand every time someone buys a can. I fucking swear to God. Two grand every time someone buys a can? Yeah, I feel like that's his contract. Two grand a can? No, that's insane. How much do you pay for a can of Coke? $6,500, I don't know.

It's like buying two laptops. You don't understand money. Do you think the CEO of Coca-Cola makes bank? Do you think he makes bank, though? I bet he has like a fat house. Yeah, dude, he's got a fat pack. It's bigger than my parents' house, I bet. Like a three-bedroom.

Yeah, three-bedroom. Three fucking four-bedroom in a pool. Two cars, two car garage, and it's like fucking inside his carpet. I swear. I swear the CEO of Coke makes so much bank, his house is carpet. Alright, let's get back to it. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp.

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All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com if I were you. You do that today, you can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable.

That's betterhelp.com if I were you. Check them out. Thanks BetterHelp. The best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, squarespace.com slash if I were you.

Free trial, everything looks good, let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Question number three. Hey, guys, my name is Raffaella. Oh, very nice. You also could have said April O'Neill, but that's fine.

Damn it. Hey, guys, my name is Raffaella. Nice. You also could have said April O'Neill, but that's fine. Hey, guys. Your iPod's broken. It's skipping. All right. Hey, guys, my name is April O'Neill. Nice. You also could have said Raffaella. For the last two years, I've been in a weird, complicated

and completely toxic relationship with a guy. It started off with us flirting at work, then sexting, then him trying to sleep with me and me refusing because he had a girlfriend. Eventually, we hooked up after he broke up with her and it all culminated in a pregnancy scare. I've been ignoring him for the last four months and thought I was finally able to get over him.

However, he texted me a few days ago saying that he had changed and begged me for another chance. How'd I know what to do? Should I give him another chance? Or do you guys have any advice on how to finally get over him? Thanks. Love, Raffaella. You also could have said April O'Neill. So, should she give this guy another chance? That makes sense.

It's been four whole months. Four months, yeah. Opposite advice? Oh, yeah. People change, especially people like that. I think you can't look at the track record. No, I know. This guy tried to cheat on his girlfriend. You have to understand that was four months ago

and that was with you. Like, he's not going to cheat on you. No, he's not a cheater. He's not a cheater. He knew what he liked and it was you and he messed up. Obviously, there was some sort of pregnancy scare, you know, a lot of drama. What's wrong with a toxic relationship? Isn't it nice to have that kind of passion?

Yeah. It's like, feel that? Yeah, just like feeling heartache and like weird pains of emotional pain. That's good. And then to top it all off, this guy, four months later, I mean, that's enough to change completely. Yeah.

And it's not like he just wants to have sex with her again. I don't think it's about that. No, it's not about sex. I really think it's about, I think it's like deep rooted change. Yeah, otherwise, why would he beg if he wasn't telling the truth about himself? Yeah, especially, I mean, to have the balls to do it over text is pretty cool.

Yeah, exactly right. It's pretty cool. So like when I text a girl that I'm begging her over text, that's the truest form of me. That means something. Yeah, it means a lot because you're begging. Like otherwise, why would you beg? So, never talk to the guy again, right?

Yeah. True advice. Okay, here we go. True advice. Yeah, just stop doing that. How weird is it to sex with someone and then go to work with them the next day? Oh my God.

They started flirting at work and then they sexted. And then she was like at work the next day like, oh hi, I sent you a picture of my tits and you sent me one of your dick. And she also said I skipped this parenthetical aside, but she says then sexting before I knew that he had a girlfriend. So he was sexting with her and he's like,

oh, by the way, I have a girlfriend. That's a very relevant parenthetical, but you're worse than this guy actually. What are you talking about? Are you insane? You're culpable. For what? If not accountable, if not responsible.

Responsible. You are him actually. Because I skipped that. You're him. This is insane. Yeah. This is absolutely nuts. All right.

I'm going to kick your ass for what you did to her. To my Raphaela, April O'Neill. If a guy is begging you, he's never in the right. Yeah. Also, just coming from somebody who doesn't know how to change, he didn't change. Nobody changes, let alone in four months. And not like, no, no, no, no.

How long do you think it takes for you to completely change? How long have you been this person and how long do you think it'll be before you're not him? I guess I've been this person for five years. How old am I, 28? I don't know, man. How old are you? 28.

Five years. I think when I was 23, I became a monster. And that's 60 months, not four. That's 15 times longer than this guy said. And I'm also still the same. So we don't know how long this stage is going to last. It might be forever. There might be no turning back.

The disease might have taken over. At this point, there is no you left to go back to. Is a void. How do you grow something from someplace that doesn't exist? Yes. So this guy did not change in four months. If anything, he's more the same now than ever. He just wants to bone you because he doesn't have a girlfriend.

This is how it works. You have sex with someone and then you cast them aside. A few months later, you start thinking about, oh, that sex was kind of fun. I'm going to reach out to them. Except with you, you guys have this toxic relationship. So he realizes what he needs to do is reach out and say that he's changed and tried to drag you back into his swirling, swirling tornado vortex of carelessness. So did they also work together?

Did I make that up? They did. They started learning to work. Okay. So just so many reasons not to even entertain this guy's thoughts. Just don't. Don't. Although maybe there's a way she can fuck with him back, you know, like turn him into

an even worse person. No, the biggest thing she can do is just ignore him completely. Yeah, that would get him. Engaging him is no. No, no, no, don't. Don't. Don't. Don't.

Maybe she can hit him. Hit him. Yeah. Hit him. Yeah. Take like a chair and hit him in the back. No, like take one of the chair legs and sort of jab him in the spine. You're inciting violence.

You're trying to cause a riot and it's not okay. Chaos and anarchy in the workplace. You'd love that. Wouldn't you? You just fucking love shaking up the status quo, you piece of shit. You dissident. You fucking joker. You're a joker.

All right. We cannot be more clear. Yeah. Don't. Do not. Ready for this last question? Let's do it. Shall we call this person?

Oh, this guy's good. Yeah, I think so. This is good because Michelangelo is a party dude. Party dude. And this guy is also a party dude. Listen up. This is a little bit longer, but it's worth it. Ready?

Without sounding too self-righteous, getting girls isn't something that's difficult for me. For a late teen male, I'd say I'm pretty good at the game and getting compliments on my looks by both my female and male friends. By chatting to a girl for a minute, I can tell what type of person they are and what they like in regards to attention and person. All this has amounted to me having a rotation of about four or five different girls showing hot interest in me at any one time. And they would probably hook up with me given the chance. Except this is where my problem comes in. For each of these girls, I change myself to suit the type of guy they like, be it cocky or cute, so they only know a glimpse of the real me. There's a part of me that wants to keep getting the attention I can get easily from girls.

I enjoy it. But there's a part of me that wants to commit at the same time, except trust will always be on my mind, as well as the pretending to be a person I wish I was to some of these girls. If I decided to get into a dedicated relationship, how would I cut off these girls? Since the case is, they are the ones that contact me first for a conversation or to meet up. And they have a certain expectation of me now that I've gotten myself into the situation. Thanks so much, bro dudes. Love Michelangelo. Oh no. What?

I can't answer that question. I have that problem. I wasn't listening. I can't answer that question. I wasn't paying attention. I was texting. This guy's getting started even before you. He's in his late teens and he's already fucking playing the game pretending to be people he's not getting attention. You're to be even worse. Yeah.

Or maybe he'll peak early and become a better person by your age. Well, that'd be nice. So what is it? It's getting fits of micro attention from girls. I haven't noticed that you do change your personality to get girls, but I don't think you have five different ones that you can rotate. No. I think I play always myself, but sort of a heightened version. You play the same game with every girl, regardless of who they are. There are certain times where if I know a girl like outdoorsyness and adventure and traveling,

then I've done a lot of outdoorsy adventures and traveling so I can handle that. You play that up, right? Or if a girl's into partying and clubbing, I could be like, oh yeah, I'm into these shows and these bands and these bars. But it's all quasi-genuine because you are actually excited about that kind of stuff. Yeah, it's all pretty genuine. You're never just like, I love sports even though you don't. Right now.

But I guess I could be like, I love Tom Brady. Right, right. I can't tap into like, I have so many genuine emotions about things, I can just tap into different like areas, but it's never a lie at least. Right. I'm never like, oh yeah, I've been to South Africa too. It's magical. Yeah, yeah.

I would never lie like that. But also, I think I do this other thing where it's like, I have these like go-to things that make me seem really, really open. Like, I'll share some stories that make it sound like I'm just revealing something to somebody that I've never told anyone before. Right. And they're like, oh my god, this guy's like so open and like, I'll let my guard down.

But it's like, I'm giving them like so nothing, like not a true, not a true version of myself at all. So I understand what he's saying. And let's listen to this podcast in which case they know the truest version of you. Right, which is that I'm awful. Well, the question is, if I decided to dedicate myself to a relationship, how would I cut these girls off? Yeah, I don't know.

Why is it hard to just stop texting people back? If you're in a relationship with someone you like and somebody texts you, they initiate you can be like, oh sorry, I'm busy or I'm sorry, I'm seeing someone. It's not the easiest way to do it. I've done that before, but then it just creeps back in when you're like, oh, I'm curious about what this person's doing. And then there's all this like social media shit where like, if I see a girl that looks hot in a picture on Instagram,

I want to like reach out to her. If I ever get a girlfriend, I need to just delete all of my contacts, delete all of my social media. Yeah, you have to put yourself in a sensory deprivation chamber because you won't be able to not react to the impetuses. You just have to phase them out of your life. But it's sort of like when you're on a diet and you're just like, oh, I need to clear out my kitchen so I'm not tempted.

I'm like, I'm gonna get rid of these chips, get rid of the bacon or whatever. Like you need to, that's what you need to do. Which you also need to do for food. Right. Yeah. I should just like remove temptation because I'm so weak-willed. But I also am like, I'm too, I'm too like, I'm too fucking deep now. You're in it.

I love giving it to my whims. Well, for someone who, okay, let's say this guy is asking his, his self in 10 years, you, what he could have done differently. What's your advice to your former self to keep him out of this rabbit hole? I guess, I mean, it's, it goes a long way that you're already self aware. And I think that like this type of behavior eats away at you. Like it's eating away at me. Though the weird thing is that like I can't see myself changing and I don't know how.

All right. Because you ultimately like it so much. Yeah. I understand that it's killing me from the inside out. And like every single day I wake up and I feel further away from the good person that I imagine myself becoming. And I feel like disconnected with like my friends and my family who are like good people. I feel like I'm turning into this weird little hobbit troll that only exists in my own head.

You're a beggar in the morning. And I'm a king at night. Yeah. That's that song. Oh man. That's so good. It's the bar brothers, the beggar in the morning. Everyone should listen to that song.

Very, very good song. It's about Jake actually. I'm like the beggar in the morning king at night and my belt is loose and my trigger is tight. So let's try to give this guy some pointed advice before we go. How would I cut these girls off? I guess I mean I'm not in the same situation. So my advice doesn't carry as much weight. But I feel like just being as honest as possible with people that text me like hey do you want to hang out?

No sorry I'm seeing someone. Doesn't that seem like the easiest solution? Sometimes the easiest is the most simple. Like with the right girl that's going to make them feel like oh like now we're having like this illicit text conversation. Like I want to, I don't know. I think you have to just straight up delete the contact so you aren't tempted to get in touch with them. And when you get a text from them it's a number you don't know and you say who is this and then they're upset. Well think about your last girlfriend.

You were texting, let's say, you had a similar rotation of 4, 5, 6, 8, 12, 15, 35 girls. Right. You settled on one that you liked. They texted you. What did you do? I responded to everyone. And just hit you had a password on your phone or something? I mean, no I guess.

If you have a girlfriend at one point invariably they'll look at your phone and see like oh you have 9 texts. I've had girlfriends that I cut people out for and I guess I just like, I just didn't respond. Like not like I'm sorry I'm seeing someone it was just like radio silence. People would reach out to me and I just didn't answer them. There you go. Fight the good fight brother. It's too late for me. You go on.

I'm a fallen soldier. I need you to do what's good for me. Yes, remember me honorably actually. I'd like a medal of honor. Also delete Tinder from my phone and just actually go ahead and do a hard reboot. I'm a hero. I'm a hero. Remember me as such.

Bury me with my MacBook Air. Good man. I was a good man. I lived an honest life. I'll leave my internet history. Oh, Merse. Merse. All right.

That's it. There we go. Bye. Thanks. Peace. That email address again if you want to email us with your own little difficult places is ifirishow at gmail.com. We're also still accepting theme song submissions.

We start and end every episode with new ones. That first one was from a brother sister duo, Jake and Iris, which was awesome. This next one is also awesome. Very awesome. It's written by someone named Eric and it sounds like a real song. Please enjoy and we'll see y'all next week. Later. Thank you.