If I Were You - 46: Memory Lane

Episode Date: September 16, 2024

In this episode we discuss stories past, present, and future. And also the presidential debate.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations, they swear! Second! Another podcast. Second! Each app different from the last. Second! It's the Swiss Army Knife of Shoes. Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts. Second! Now let me take you to emphatic homes. Sadness. Yeah.

Yeah. Where are you? The office. I'm at the office. We've never recorded in that room before. I have recorded in this room before. Oh, interesting. But I'm a man without a home.

Well, I'm a man with three homes. I'm a man with several houses that I record at, I guess. A lot of options. A lot of options all bad, really, because we've got the studio next door, and that's kind of a really small desk zone that's really crowded. They can't really set anything up.

We've got this room, which is just a little cold and sad and just not fun to be in. We've got the yeah room in the other room, which is not soundproof like at all. Not bueno for audio or video, right? And then we have listening or watching it's bad. We've got my office which I go to every once in a while. But that's all the way that's the one with the ship in the background. Yeah, yeah, that's my that's the sweet spot. I like being there, but that's all the way. That's the one with the ship in the background. Yeah, yeah. That's the sweet spot.

I like being there, but it's hard to get to. And then you got your basements, your basement. Oh yeah. Your parents' basement. Right, right, then I have two basements. God, how awful when I think about it like that. Just, I'm a vagabond, a vagapod. You think when we, if we run a podcast network,

we'd have a studio of our own. Yeah, yeah, you would think that. But that's not the case, yeah. No, no, no, no it's not. It's our own. This is more our roots. Yeah, it's our own fault I think. This is the classic run and gun style,

bootleg journalism that we've been doing for 20 years almost. Yeah, it's guerrilla podcasting is what it is. Did you start at CollegeHumor in 2005 or 2006? 2006. Okay, so I started in 2005. We're coming up on the 20-year anniversary of these things. It's going to be 2025 soon. Yeah, that's crazy. That is crazy. Basically almost half of our lives, more than half of your life.

Yeah, isn't that true? Huh. That is crazy. Basically almost half of our lives, more than half of your life. Yeah. Isn't that true? Huh? Oh, whoa. Well, no, wait, not yet. I was 21 when I started college humor. Okay. I just turned 21.

Well, close. Yeah. Very close. Um, actually this is a kind of a good segue into one of our first segments, which is, um, discussing, dissecting, looking into my old live journal. Yes. Yes. You were a prolific writer, a blogger, uh, as, as it were.

I, I was a vlogger. I was a blogger. I was a Zenga have her a live journal slash dead journal maker. And what do they say when you have writer's block, when you're like, I don't feel like writing. I don't know how to get started. They tell you to write anyway. You just have to write through your fucking stream of

consciousness, which is something that you were practicing on July 28th, 2003 at 12 54 a.m. That is wow. That is burning the midnight oil for sure. When you write, I'm feeling not funny right now, but let's give it a whirl and see where it takes us. I saw pirates of the Caribbean today and I still don't know how many Rs

and how many Bs are in the word are in the damn word Caribbean. As for the plot, it really was as good as people say it is. When I saw the preview, I was thinking more like, shit, maybe I should get popcorn. I mean, this preview is almost over. And hey, is that a pirate? Okay. I don't fully... Did you like it then? I think I liked the movie, but I don't know what I was trying to say. But the preview thing. Then very much stream of consciousness, the next paragraph begins, I've created one super word that contains all the vowels,

I-E-I-E-O and some shit times Y, and sometimes Y, I see. And the word is I-E-I-E-O and sometimes Y, all one word. I see. Yeah. And then new line, new thoughts. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Chex mix could not get any better even if it came with blow jobs instead of rye chips. Okay.

I like that. Yeah. I really liked that one. Then you say, I think Snoop Dogg said it best when he uttered, X marks the spot, nah, X spots the marks. Damn Snoop Dizzles, you mold the English language as if it were your private silly putty collection. Shakespeare is sitting in hell right now thinking,

damn, that's a good one. Hamlet was fine, but King Lear could have used some shit like that. Hey Marlo, write me another play. Okay. Let's set the stage a little bit. Yeah, please. Instead of continuing on.

Yeah, okay. Set the stage. Yeah, well, 2003, I'm in college, sort of trying comedy writing for fun, seeing what happens. I think I'm a funny guy, but you know, you need to actually prove it to yourself. I'm not really doing that anywhere, maybe occasionally for college humor, but like, I got more thoughts than like an occasionally weekly article. Right.

I got to get it on the page. And there is no Twitter yet. The only place you can be funny is live journal. You're like, I need to post my random music, my, my humorous music online. Yes. I, this is pre Twitter, pre Facebook, pre YouTube, Vimeo. Yeah. I can't make stuff and share it. You got to just blog it.

And it's a shame you ever have a live journal. No, I did not. But it's a shame that you you ever have a live journal? No, I did not. But it's a shame that you didn't have a Twitter for this gem. The inventor of the tab key must have been pretty lazy of a man.

His thought processes must have been pressing space bar five times just isn't gonna cut it. I should really just invent a, hey, is that a pirate? So tying it back to the pirates of the Caribbean. Yeah, I'm still watching the trailer. That is interesting. So, you know, a lot of half-baked thoughts, a lot of like, I think I'm funny

and I'm gonna sort of write in a free flowing fashion. And I do remember writing and like hoping people would read it and comment and like responding to the comments. I think the comments are actually still in there as part of the live journal. Oh wow, they are. Live journal.

Five comments actually. They kept everything up. Yeah, let's see. It's a pretty interesting like unearthed artifact because it's not like an old cached page. It's like this website still exists and the comments are still there. Yeah.

This, wow, there's like a five paragraph comment. Yeah. I saw the Pirates of the Caribbean. Crap, I don't think I spelled it correctly either. But I thought that Johnny Deep didn't always act so piratey, acted more drunk than anything. I felt you could only tell him apart from being all piratey and drunk when

he was drinking the rum on the beach and he hit on the girl. That was about it. And then you responded. Jay Depp was trying to act like a British rock star. He said in an interview, so he was going for Keith Richards. I still think his character was cool. Yo ho. I mean, talking to strangers on the internet, this is like in 2003 was

very kind of novel and exciting. Like there was just like random chat rooms and that's it. Like, I don't know how anybody even found my live journal. Maybe it was linked through my college humor profile or something. So it's like, this is my weekly article, but if you want more, the unfettered access to every single thought, you can read it here and write your own comments and I'll reply to them as much as possible.

Yeah, it was the wild west. I remember actually when we started our Tumblr, we were like, I think, yeah, the first Jake and Amir website, you were like, let's make a website and put all the Jake and Amir videos on there. And we put them on a Tumblr, and there was like a button where you can add comments onto Tumblr.

It was like some kind of integration. They weren't like baked in. You had to like... Yeah, you couldn't, commenting wasn't part of Tumblr. It was like almost like a wall where it was like video, and I'll just repost the video, picture. You could repost the picture. And then it's like video and I'll just repost the video picture. You could repost the picture. And then it's like, if you want comments, you got to use this third party party app called like commently. And then try to figure out how to bake it into the

code of the Tumblr itself. It was, there were so many of those fun little like, like before single companies just kind of bought everything and became, you know, all of the stuff, there was like, we had friends that worked at like GroupMe because there wasn't group text messaging. So there was just like a fun little app that's whole thing was group text messaging. And all of these-

Yeah, because that didn't exist yet. Right, all the tech giants just saw all of the cool stuff and they're like, oh, good, yes, we'll build it ourselves and run you all out of business. But there was, I forget. But this was before all that. Yeah, well, I don't remember the name of the comment thing,

but we installed it onto our Tumblr and I remember starting to read comments. This is so insane. Why are people feedback about our videos? Why do they like it? I guess it's crazy enough to work. Yeah, leave your comments are on this, Yeah. About our videos. Why do they like it? I guess it's crazy enough to work. Yeah. Yeah. Leave your, leave what your comments are on this like, keep in mind the post is just like my diary and people are commenting on my diary.

But I, I liked it because it meant people were reading it. But like I couldn't see how many people were reading it because that's another thing you had to install that I couldn't figure out. Like web counters. Yeah. I'm, I'm trying to like parse out another one of these entries. It's really, I don't like, I'm just going to read it. Cause I don't know if it's hard to like, you know, just give a snippet. Cause they're all so scatterbrained.

They're all over the place. You have ADHD. 20. I was 20 when I made it. And like 23, when we started Jake and Amir and 41 now. So this is, I'm closer to your child's age than my age. That's crazy. So you're right.

I've been thinking, this is on my birthday, by the way. I've been thinking a lot about what my dream jobs would be. And I've narrowed the list of thousands down to a shiny nugget of two jobs. One, you know, the guy that wins the lotteries? I wanna be the guy that sells him the ticket. Sure, I wouldn't win a dime, but many people would really thank me.

And that's worth all the money in the world. Asterisk, pauses and thanks. Wait a minute, upwards to $200 million you can win? Jesus, he would be really thankful. Two, guy who wins lotteries. Let's face it, 200 million is a lot. K, let's see what else is funny. Searches mental Rolodex from Abe to Zeke.

You're publishing like the writing process. You're like, you're just typing. I'm thinking, thinking of something funny. Here it is. That's what I said. There was no edit. You just like wrote this post. This is the vomit draft.

Yeah, but it's just public. Yeah, wow. K next mental experiment percent stuff. You know how on away messages, if you type percent N, it'll insert the person's screen name? No, you didn't. Well, it's true.

So here's some other percent stuff AOL should implement. Yeah, a lot of my comedy back then was away message based. So like I would make video away messages, funny away messages. That was like the origin. It was all about the away messages messages. That was like the origin of the away messages. Wasn't that like the origin of you making online videos too? Like video away messages was like, I thought that was almost like a URL that you had. Yeah. Yes, it is. It was video messages were videos I made that you could put in your away

message. Basically, if you're on AIM and you're not at your computer, you can put in like, Hey, I'm playing tennis. and then a link to a video of me doing something silly, playing tennis. That's kind of, yeah. A way to try to get people to put their away messages as videos I made. That was inventive, that was creative. You were trying to, you were working within the medium

of the internet. Yeah. Which actually brings me to this entry, which is heartwarming. You write, this really has dwindled down to a shiny dented nub of a journal. I thought the new design for Being Famous, which was your old blog, would be up

and the transition to the daily writings on that page would be seamless. However, the best laid plans are often not coming true. Yeah. So anyways. I quit comedy. And this is also your, you're the title for this, is it worth it?

Let me work it. And your mood, which you do often, you know, you write, it's a face with just the line for the smile and you have, and it's okay. I'm sad.

So it's, because you're feeling pensive. Maybe you're longing because you write, so anyways, we shot about two and a half videos over the weekend, one of which should be good. The other is still risky and the half is so risky we might not even finish it. As always, the final edition and the mental initial edition are often too different.

However, I would like to make these little videos for a living. So these are the way I have figured out how to make a career out of making short videos. Oh, I see. So these are the ways that I've figured out how to make a career out of making a career of making short videos and you have a list of ideas.

One, make short videos and compile them into a feature film that America loves. Sounds easy and I would get millions of dollars for some reason. Okay. Two, make short videos and win the lottery for some reason. Three. Yeah, I was really into winning the lottery.

Yeah, you loved getting it. Half of my ideas were lottery based. Make short videos for a website that grows in such popularity that I'm forced to travel the country showing film festivals and talking before and after them while signing autographs for orphans without parents as well as redundant phrases that repeat ideas. Wow.

That's not too untrue for what actually happened. Mostly what happened. Four, make a DVD of funny videos and sell it for $900 a piece. It would only take 1000 sales for me to become a millionaire. Five, double up. Six, find a really rich old man, sleep with him and videotape that. Then sell the tape as smut porn and include wacky videos in there. Then I become a cult classic,

plus the money that I steal from the old man, I can buy a cool DV cam. Which also kind of happened. I don't know if I ever told you that, but I ended up sleeping with an old man. Yeah, making silly videos for it. But these are, the videos that I'm talking about are before College Humor.

Right, these were in 2003. Were these videos that I'm talking about are before college humor. Right. These were in 2003. Were these videos that you were making with Pavla? Yeah, there were videos that I was making in college with my roommates, Ofer and Pavla. We were just set TV theme songs to funny actings during those songs, I guess. So it's like, yeah, here's the DuckTales theme song, and I'm making jokes about getting blowjobs in a bathroom

or here's the full house theme song. And it's funny because I looked at the camera and smiled but I'm covered in blood or something like that. Yeah, yeah, that's solid. I remember those videos actually. I thought they were good. Right. Right, well, maybe they were at the time,

but then I would actually sell those CDs of like the videos that you can have it as like a CD-ROM. And then that sort of became the video waymessengers that became like the snippets, the short videos that I made every day. And that's what made me want to do like Jake and Amir style videos. So it did sort of lead, even though it was bad, it did lead to something that actually led to something. Yeah. Yeah. And that's, the Jake and Amir short videos made us go on the national tour

where we were sleeping with all those old men. It wasn't, the back then, there was no podcasting or live shows, so I just imagined the greatest thing possible is to do film festivals. Right, yeah. I mean, if you had known everything that the world could be, then you basically would have

the job that you were dreaming of as a college student. It just didn't exist, so you were like, yeah, I'll make short videos, compile them, and go on tour to film festivals. But instead, we made short videos and went on tour just to talk without having to really show the videos. And while these individual videos and blog posts

or whatever aren't great, it still is a good lesson to like do as much stuff as possible, get it out there as much as possible early on while it's not good doing it for free in hopes that it leads to something a little bit better by the time you are ready to like have a job doing that. Yeah, it's kind of crazy because it's not good doing it for free in hopes that it leads to something a little bit better by the time you are ready to like have a job doing that. Yeah, it's kind of crazy because it's harder than ever,

but also easier than ever. Cause like you can kind of make funny TikToks and Instagram videos and like just pray to God that the algorithm serves them to a million people. Not unlike winning the lottery actually. Yeah, or sleeping with an old guy at a film festival. Yeah, but it's harder to just like put this like, before you had these like, you know, large groups of people on the internet, like waiting for content, you would just have to

put it out on live journal journal and be like, I hope people find this somehow and talk about it at the bars with their friends and then they'll visit my website. And then like I remember like College Humor will link to it. Yeah, when they link to it, 80,000 people will see it. Right. I feel like I remember like 300 people going to watch like a Jake and Amir video on Vimeo and us being like, holy shit, this is insane. Three. That's more than a film festival. Yeah, that could fill the film forum. I was gonna say that if I was 20 today, I would definitely would be doing TikToks. Like that's the, that's what I wanted to be doing,

but the infrastructure didn't exist. Well, you're 42 and doing TikToks. Yeah, exactly. So that's proof enough. All right, That's a solid walkthrough memory lane. And don't read anything else because it gets really, really offensive. I think I ended up shooting that, that porn I was shooting. Yeah, right. Yeah, it's still up there. Jake football season is in full swing. Yeah, dude. I know. I watched my beloved Buffalo Bills last weekend.

That's why I am excited to talk to you guys about the new DraftKings PIC6 app, which lets you put your money where your mouth is. If you think a QB is going to throw more than 300 yards or perhaps a receiver will grab a touchdown, hint, hint. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of like playing fantasy football to win cash. And the best way to do that is with draft Kings.

Exactly right. So if you go to draft Kings pick six app now and use the code segments, that's code segments for new customers. You play $5 and get $50 and pick six credits guaranteed. I love that. That offer also includes a month of NFL plus premium on us. Oh, on you? Yes, I guess so. Incredible. You're so generous. Do you have a bunch of legal jargon to read now? Yes, of course. The offer expires on 9 19, aka September

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You just call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org and Connecticut must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdiction. Right. Is that all? Pick6 is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario, Voidware, Prohibitancy, Terms. At pick6.draftkings.com slash promos, one per new customer reward issued at $50 in non-withdrawable

Pick6 credits that expire in six months. NFL Plus Premium offer available only to new and former NFL plus subscribers. Additional NFL plus premium terms at nfl.com slash terms. That was easy. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly.

Eons it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple intuitive drag and drop design technology. Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was

able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI.

You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own freakyfriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday?

Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters?

Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio. The greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch,

just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase, and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you Squarespace. All right, we're back. I guess we never technically introduced this podcast, but

it's segments still. Yeah, exactly. Also, I gotta do a quick shout out to my buddy, Al Jalil, your buddy as well, is doing a Kickstarter for a short film, and I told him I'd promote it on Pod. Okay, here we go. So now's the time, go to Kickstarter.com, search Al space, actually Al dash Jalil, J-A-L-I-L, and you'll find his Kickstarter Kickstarter and you can support him

just like he supported us. I'm gonna give him some cash, tell you what. All right, you think he's gonna come to our Philadelphia and New York shows? He's often just like at our East Coast shows in multiple cities. Yes, he told me that he will be in Philly and New York. Actually, I told him I put him on the list at both,

so he definitely will be. The New York show, by the time this episode comes out, might have that like waiting list where more tickets will become available soon. So if you snozzed and lost and it sold out, but you still wanna go check out the headgum.com slash live to see if there's still tickets available. The ticket link, I actually think,

I have some information about that ticket link. That's a good reminder because the New York show sold out, but on September 20th at the ticket link. Oh, is that what it is? Yeah, September 20th, they're actually gonna release a bunch more of their standby tickets. So you can win the lottery just like a mere dreamt of as a tween

As a 19.5 year old and then the Philadelphia show still has Tickets available exactly exactly correct Okay, so we've we've seen a bunch of Amir's old writing, but it's time to experience how far you've come. I have come up with three pretty unique writing prompts that I'm going to give you. Oh, okay. And then you're going to basically, you're going to continue this story from my leaping off point, ideally in kind of like a three act structure, but it's a creative exercise for you. So you'll just take this and run.

Should I fire up the live journal or we could just do this verbally? Yeah. Dust that thing off. I think you could post on live journal. Still have the password around here. Bob Rooney. I wonder if the live, if live journal.com still exists, like are people still using live journals? I feel like it's got to, they must must it must still exist in some capacity right?

Right because it's the website is still up. Okay here's the writing prompt. Prompt number one. Zap! Oh my gosh it worked. Your uncle's shrinking ray actually worked. For years everyone in town thought he was crazy but you just snuck into his garage laboratory looking for your cat Brewster and you think you must have tripped the on switch. Now you're super tiny and oh no, is that Brewster? He sounds hungry. Brewster, it's me! I'm your friend! Brewster looks at me and thinks I'm a fucking mouse. Oh no no no, You have this all wrong, Brewster. Smell me, taste me.

I assure you, I'm still your owner. Brewster licks me from my crack to my sack and all the way up to my nose and around the back. I'm covered in Brewster's saliva when he realizes, oh, this actually is my best friend. He throws me up, I land on his back, and me and Brewster are off for the rides of our lives. Suddenly, I get his POV. I know where he's going when he's gone. For days at a time, I consider Brewster missing, dead, whatever.

But now I finally get to enjoy the ride, literally, and see where the hell he's been going for the last 18, 20 years, the fact that he's been alive in an alley cat. So what is an alley cat? Turns into this Pixar-style Milo and Otis meets. The secret life of pets. Right.

Slash Garfield. Oh, what if instead of like the brat pack, he's in the cat pack? And he's kind of like a mobster alley cat. Back alley, smoking a cigar. Like, like a hitman Heathcliff. That's good. Hitman Heathcliff.

And then like, I do end up realizing that when cats interact, when no humans are around, they talk to each other. Whoa. It's like, hey, are we alone? And he's like, yeah. He's like, okay, great. I can't let any human know that like we can actually talk.

No, yeah, that would totally ruin everything. Yeah. But yeah, he doesn't know I'm hidden in his fur. I love that this is almost not that much about the shrinking ray anymore. It's mostly about how cats can speak. So what do you learn once you've infiltrated in Brewster's friend crew, cat crew?

Yeah, it's mostly like a Sopranos or wire style show, but instead of money, all they're obsessed with is like fish, getting tuna, getting sardines, getting ham, getting fed, sort of bribing deli owners. It's like sleeping with the fishes is actually like really good for them. They like want that. Yes, exactly. I'm going to make you sleep with the fishes.

Please. That's considered like a joke. Yeah. Can you imagine sleeping being surrounded by fish? And then I'm like, guys, I can help you do that. I'm a fucking person. I know how these things work. So together with the cats, we can lead our best lives. Meanwhile, I'm missing.

So my entire family is incredibly distraught. Yeah. But I'm like, you know entire family is incredibly distraught. But I'm like, you know what? I think I appreciate this new life of my own. I'm having fun with the cats. I'm sort of sleeping with the fishes, but that's considered a good thing for me. Sort of using a crispy rice tuna roll as a bed.

That's really good. And you mentioned early on that Brewster licked your crack and your sack. So I was curious about how you wanted to cover that. Yeah, video wise or story wise? Story wise, video wise, even if it's animated, how much of the cat eating your ass,

like the feline rimming are we seeing? Yeah, I'm suffocated at first with his saliva. It's thick, viscous, wet and sticky. The equivalent of running through one of those Krispy Kreme glaze waterfalls. I can't believe how much thick, sticky cat saliva I'm covered in. Okay. It's disgusting, but we never get back to it. Yeah. It's never paid off.

It's never addressed. It's Chekhov's cat saliva. It simply is there. Okay, let's move on to your second prompt. "'I got it, I got it,' you yell, "'backing up towards the center field wall. If you can make this catch, maybe your crush Cindy will finally give a damn about you.

She's so beautiful. Just thinking about her wavy hair makes you lose track for a second and bonk. The ball knocks you out cold. You come to wishing you were dead to save you from the embarrassment, but the field is empty. It's dusk. No one is here except for a flying saucer.

And is that a little green man standing on the pitcher's mount? Hey, I think I got hit in the head and my entire family and friend group. And honestly, the whole community writ large left me here for dead. The aliens like, Jesus Christ, you must really suck. And I'm like, I think I had a crush on Cindy so debilitating that everyone just was like fine with like basically playing the rest of the baseball game around me and then when it ended everyone went home and left me there and now completely unrelated to all that my crush is gone my family's gone and now i'm meeting an alien for the first time. Do you know Cindy I guess I was

weirdly obsessed with her to the point where everyone didn't give a shit that I died on the baseball field. I let him go because he's so fucking obsessed with Cindy. Like, crushes are fine, but his with Cindy is just odd. I think it's better for everyone if we leave him here until an alien shows up. Are you gonna anal probe me? Because I have an idea for how it should work. So basically you put on this wig, call yourself Cindy,

and you can just go to fucking town. Can you lube this up with cat saliva? Nice. Yeah, thank you. Very good, very good. Weird prompt. Okay, here's another one. Zero bars, no self-service bars or power bars. You went out to the desert to make some TikToks,

but before you knew it, you slipped down a sand dune. You tried to hike over, but you must've taken a wrong turn, and now you're slipping through a narrow slot canyon when you feel the earth warp around you. That was weird. It's dark in this canyon, but there's a light around the corner. Is that the sound of an airplane?

Maybe someone's here to rescue me. Wait, was that a roar? You step out into a green valley and glare at the sun. There's that airplane overhead. No, it's a pterodactyl. That went so, why are all these prompts like an interesting premise and then there's an alien or like, yeah, there's no power on earth, that's cool.

And there's a pterodactyl, like just focus. Yeah. It's interesting that no fucking cell reception exists anymore. It doesn't also have to be a pterodactyl. You can pivot from these props. You could say, is that a pterodactyl? No. Confirmed. Airplane. It is an airplane. I guess I'm losing it. And then right from there. I think without my cell reception, I'm starting to have these these weird hallucinations that like everything is prehistoric for some fucking reason. Yeah, right.

Turns out, I think I just didn't pay my cell bill or something. So I find my way back home and back at home, my entire family is actually dinosaurs. Whoa. So my mom is a fucking Stegosaurus. Yeah. My dad is a Brontosaurus.

And my sister. It should have been a momtosaurus actually. And a dad. Yeah. A dad-osaurus. Or a sister-saurus. A Steg-a-sister. Steg-a-sister.

A T-Rex, a T-Dad? No, that's not it. Something with a bob or... Anyway, the entire thing is a Jurassic Park meets sort of back to the future where I went off camping, I came back and for whatever reason, it's 90 million years ago, or however long ago it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, that's pretty good. Yeah, but again, these prompts are too all over the place. I urge, are these from Reddit or you made them up yourself? I made them up myself.

Okay. So easy with the critiques. You can't, like don't talk about them being bad. If chat GPT AI, they're not, they're not. I think, I think we are, we have an over reliance on chat GPT. We have an over reliance on, on somebody else to, to some, some robot to spit out these words. You need, you need that creative juice flowing from her wits. You wanna see what I'm cooking. Do you know what I mean?

Well, you have to use the chat GPT not as a crutch, but as a tool. You have to use AI to enhance our ideas. How about this for a prompt? This one I'm freestyling, because I wrote three, okay? But here, now that I've gotten your feedback about there just being too many left turns,

aliens, dinosaurs, yada yada. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, you say, okay, all right. The dang knot won't come untied. You mutter as the TSA agent looks at you trying to get your converse off. Move along, he says. Finally, you yank your shoe off with the sock and put it next to your luggage. But where's your luggage tag? Just then the alarm goes off. They open the luggage tag. It's cash and guns. The TSA agent points at you and says, don't move a muscle tag. Yeah, this is the tag. Don't move

a muscle. That's where the story begins. I swear to God, this is a fucking sting operation. I packed my bags this morning. It was filled with clothes. I don't know what the hell is going on. I think I'm being set up or framed in some way. Mm-hmm. And then? TSA guys goes, yeah, I've heard that one before.

Walk this way. I start walking. Suddenly my shoe explodes. Oh my God, it's finally, we figured out a way to have a shoe explode. All these people who have been taking their shoes off saying, yeah, the shoe bombs don't actually exist. It's finally justified. We can finally get to the bottom of this. My other shoe explodes. The suitcase filled with cash is also on fire. For whatever reason, somebody out there wants to set me up and I have

no idea why. Shoes are off. I take off in a dead sprint outside the airport and I see a bunch of people laughing at me. Oh my God, I'm being fucking pranked. This whole thing is a hidden camera game show or something. But why? Why am I the butt? Why am I the mark? What did I do to deserve this? So then I spend the rest of the act one figuring out why I'm the sort of the spot. Why you're getting Truman showed. Yeah, what the hell did I do?

I guess it's cause it's a lifetime of me pranking other people. They're finally getting me back. But if successful, they could have gotten me arrested. Yeah, that's not funny at all. And then you go home and you're kind of like, searching for comfort with your cat Brewster. But Brewster wanders into the garage. And you go in after you say Brewster, I really need a hug right now and zap. Oh my gosh, it worked. Your uncle's

shrinking ray actually worked for years. Everyone in town thought he was crazy. Oh my God, I'm on an alien spaceship. I'm not just small, I'm in space. What the hell? Is that a fucking pterodactyl? Get out of the way. There's dinosaurs out here.

I'm tiny and the fucking subject of an international spy ring too. Wow, it's perfect. They could all be combined. This is when movies start to spiral off. It's like, we gotta focus on one thing. Right. And one thing only. Yeah, pterodactyls.

All right, my brain hurts. I can't brainstorm anymore. For sure, for sure. I think my nose is going to bleed, actually. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. Let's take a break. Oh, my God. Thank you to Rocket Money for sponsoring this episode of our show. Oh, yeah, baby. Thank you. Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel

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You know, talking to somebody is incredibly helpful and the best way to do that again is betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash segments. Okay. Thanks, BetterHelp. ["Handsome"] Okay, we're back. Recording this on Thursday, coming out on Monday, Okay, we're back.

Recording this on Thursday, coming out on Monday, but fresh in our mind now is the debate that happened on Tuesday? Yes, Tuesday, the Tuesday night presidential debate. So a super important viewer for that demographic. And I think I'm starting to see how the candidates differ, but I need more policy information. Like I still don't know where they land on long-term capital gains in order to make a fully informed decision. What do you think?

Yeah, I thought they both had really good, they were strong candidates. still don't know where they land on long-term capital gains in order to make a fully informed decision. What do you think? Yeah, I thought they both had really good, they were strong candidates on both sides. It's tough to choose. I'm the rare undecided who actually loves them both. Honestly, we can't go wrong. You either vote with your heart or your head.

Yeah, it's an election where most people, they hate one side, they hate the other, or sometimes they love someone, love the other, or maybe they hate both and they're like, I'm undecided. Me, I think they're both perfect. I'm like. So like, either way, you're good to go. Yeah, I thought the guy that said

everybody's eating dogs was pretty good. I did laugh a lot when the moderators with a straight face were like, just wanted to point out it is illegal in all 50 states to execute a baby. Okay, Kamala, you said about the Middle East. Just like so casually. Real quick, there are no reports

about Haitian immigrants eating a dog. Now Trump on January 6th. It's crazy. I don't even like it is kind of it's all it's all useless. Everybody knows who every who everybody is at this point. I guess if you like one person or another, you think that they quote unquote won the debate. Right.

And the only real reason to watch was like to see what the disaster was, or to be like, can my, did my candidate like beat up the other guy enough? Like that's why I watched it. It just started to feel more and more like a soap opera where it's like, oh, the debate is this week. That's an episode. And like next week, maybe there'll be another funny thing that happens at a rally or Biden will put on a Trump hat. That's a funny thing. It's just like it's becoming like a TV show

and the series finale will be the election. Yeah, it is. That's essentially what it is. I like it's like a sports game. When the debate was on, I was like, oh, wow, this is like must-see TV. This is going to be epic. This is a showdown.

There was no part of me that was like, this will be, I'll learn something. I'll, I'll actually get a sense of some policies. Yeah. Do you follow what people say on Twitter? Not really. I guess I see, I feel like I see like a very distilled version that essentially just like shows me funny tweets about things that I already believe. Yeah. like shows me funny tweets about things that I already believe. Yeah, the general sentiment from Republicans

was not that like anybody won or lost, but that it was unfair. It was three on one. They fact-check Trump too much and they didn't do anything to Kamala. But as like, you know, a bleeding heart lib, I'm watching, it's like, well, yeah, because he said that people are eating dogs

and they're not. So it's not like, not really unfair. All the moderators said that you can't kill a baby. That seems worth fact checking. And then like a small discrepancy that Kamala pointed out didn't necessarily require that. It's so funny, because I remember, like, God, I guess I always just think about

what she should say to make me feel like that was the right response. And I think maybe that is not what her MO is because she doesn't need me to vote for her. So like, but like when he, in the first debate, when he said he was saying the same like, they kill a baby after nine months after it's born and Biden. He will execute a child. And Biden just goes, we don't do that. I was like, that sounds so like,

why are you just being like, I want to just look at him and be like, all right, sorry. Can you just, so you think that every, this happens and you're quoting the former governor of West Virginia that said that. Yeah. Are you stupid? Like what is, why doesn't? This is crazy. Yeah. Right? This is crazy. Can you stupid? Like what is why doesn't this is

crazy? Yeah, right. This is crazy. I wanted her to I wanted her to make fun of the crowd sizes more. Because she did it once and he sort of spiraled I should like next question just be like, seriously, his crowds are really small. Everyone is super bored. They do leave early. He sucks. The crowds are really small. Just like like keep saying that. It was so funny because she like- It's really piss him off.

Yeah, she said, I forget exactly what that answer was, but she said so many things and then like tagged it. Oh, it was like something that- It was the immigration thing. Yeah, yeah. It was like- Which is like a weak point of hers. Right, exactly. Real quick before I get to that,

people are really bored with Donald Trump. Yeah, people believe- And he doesn't have good crowd sizes. Right, it was like the one thing where she's vulnerable, Before I get to that, people are really bored with Donald Trump and he doesn't have good crowd sizes. Right. It was like the one thing where she's vulnerable, where he could have gotten his point across. That's what everybody loves him for. But she gave him the tiniest little bit of bait and he couldn't resist.

And he was like, first, no, no, let me address the rallies. First of all, my rallies are amazing. Everybody loves my rallies. Nobody goes to her rallies. I mean, you look at the video and they're either small or large and fake. I also thought it was so insane that like, he said one thing that I was like, wow, that's like a strong point that he could that he could like bring up more. Like, I think he's, he was like, I think he said, I probably got shot in the head because of their rhetoric. They call me an existential threat.

And I was like, damn, that's like a really powerful thing to say. And then the next word out of his mouth. You can't instantly prove it wrong. Yeah. And it's like, wow, yeah, he might believe that. But then the next thing he says is, you're the existential threat.

So the thing that you said got you shot is the thing that you wanna say to get, that seemingly to get somebody else shot, right? Well, I was just saying it. You're saying it's so dangerous that it got you shot and then you're spitting it right back out. Yeah, it's a shame that like, there's a lot of people I know that it's like,

honestly, like Trump's like, you know, like financial plans aren't terrible. But the fact that he's just like, I won in a land, like the fact that he's like outright saying provable lies is like a, is a non-starter. Like if he just said, I messed up, I shouldn't have done the insurrection thing. That got carried away.

I was sort of realized that a little bit too late. Sorry about that. Oh, you know what? I lost an election. That's fine. People win, people lose. That's why I'm running again. But then it's like, you? I lost an election. That's fine. People win, people lose. That's why I'm running again. But then it's like, you said you lost the election. That was sarcasm. Right.

You said you lost by a whisker. Yeah, that was sarcasm. I was joking, because I won by a lot. Like, it's okay. You can admit that you lost. If anything, it would endear you to like more people. Like people who think that you actually won and that it was rigged, like they're gonna vote for you.

You don't have to lie to them. Yeah, yeah, you can say anything and they find a way to like it. Yes, just admit, say sorry. Will there be another debate? I think they're saying there is not now, right? Yeah, I mean, I guess there's either gonna be one more or no more depending on who's desperate, but like he's like, he's out on debates that are on neutral ground because he considers it a three on one.

Right. This one didn't necessarily move the needle for him, so there's not really a reason for him to do it again. What about the VP debates? I guess you would do another one. That's what I want to see. Yeah, there should be one of those, but it'll just be the same thing. No, yeah, of course, but I want to see, I want to see. Yeah, there should be one of those, but it'll just be the same thing. No, yeah, of course, but I want to see, I want to see the walls and bands go toe to toe.

It's like- Yeah, everything is good for ratings slash excitement. Yeah. Hell, even if Trump wins, I'll be looking forward to the next election cycle, but I guess you probably will, I guess there might not be one ever again. Yeah, I just hope they keep doing debates,

like election, no election, whatever. I just want to see Donald talk. It's always more fun when he talks in a non-rally because it's like people are actually pushing back. Like at the journalism convention he did for some reason and they kept asking him questions that he didn't like. I like when he does that kind of stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh my good Lord. Who do you think will win? I guess, oh God, I don't know. I think I'm afraid that he's gonna win. That's what I think. I think I'm afraid he's gonna win. Yeah, it definitely seems like this is his low point and he's still kind of leading. So I'm like, I guess he'll just win. That's yeah, it definitely seems like this is his low point and he's still kind of leading. So I'm like, I guess he'll just win. Like, this is like he did poorly. And then Taylor Swift nominated

Kamala. And then it's like, all right, Trump is still now just this only a slight favorite. Okay, so the worst that it gets for him is he's still a slight favorite. Yeah. And I just have PTSD from the Hillary thing. I'm like enough people will just vote for him just because they want change and they don't want to vote for a lady and they'll probably win. Yeah. What I'm afraid of is having joy.

Every time we've like, I've been talking about, do you remember when Hillary did the mannequin challenge with like John Bon Jovi? I think that was the morning of the election. Yeah, it was the morning of the election. Like that was just like, everyone had joy. Everyone was like, yes, Hillary made a mannequin challenge video. We all thought that she celebrated, right? We're going to win. We had election parties. She's going to win in a landslide. We're going to shut this guy up and move on. And then the opposite happened.

Like the, I think one of the questions in the debate, they were like saying, you know, when you came down the elevator or escalator eight years ago, I was like, holy fuck, have we really, see, been a central figure in my life for that long? That's so devastating. Next year it'll be 10 years. It'll be like from the 2015 primaries to 2025. Yeah, so I

want I want desperately to just like be done with it. But I fear that every time we've like, had excitement and joy, a Taylor Swift signing on, you know, like the laughing at the convention, everybody's having a good time, the Kamala memes. Let's try not to have too much fun. Let's just try to, I think it's great. We're excited, but let's not have too much fun because the whole, like, yes, they're weird. It's getting to them, but like, I am the prize. We need to just not lose the election. I don't know if it's close. I feel like if it's close, he'll win. But yeah, it's all about that turnout, right?

It's all about everybody getting out there and voting. Cause really it's all about Pennsylvania. It seems like it's like whoever wins Pennsylvania, everything else will fall in line. It'll be very hard to lose the election. If you win Pennsylvania, like where's all the young people? So many people have turned 18 since he came down the escalator eight years ago.

And they, do they all like him? We're the 10 to 17 year olds. And a lot of, a lot of older Republicans have died. Where, where is everybody? I think he's good with like the college bros, like a lot of like bros like him. Wild. Yeah. I don't know if bros will vote, but like he's got a lot of the bro vote where it's like, yeah, he goes to UFC and he's like, you know, hangs out with like Dana White.

Yeah, he's doing those. He's doing like sports podcasts and stuff. Yeah, exactly. But he's so bad at talking. I don't understand. Yeah, but it's funny and it's fun and it's new and it's fresh and he's a dude. Yeah, yeah. Well, we'll see what happens. We'll see what happens. As of now, Kamala's a slight betting favorite, so that's gotta count for something.

That's huge. You didn't put any money on it? On this betting website that I look. I don't know, I'm afraid. If anything, I wanna bet money on Trump so it numbs the sadness I'll feel if Trump wins. Well, I'm afraid. If anything, I want to bet money on Trump, so like it numbs the like, the sadness I'll feel if Trump wins, like, well, I guess, at least I won some money at the end of the day.

So that softens the blow a little bit. But last time I bet on Hillary and I lost, I felt like I shouldn't be betting on the election. I was like, you know what, I'm already invested enough. Yeah. Are you invested? Are you following politics? Oh, watching like the big stuff, you know, I look forward to the season finale. Yeah, of course, the election night.

That's always a fun time. You wait up till 4 a.m. to see like, I learned so much last election. Oh, we like the counties and like we're waiting for this dump of remember the Maricopa dump and they're going to start counting it at eight. Right. He's ahead here. But the big cities are about to start counting. We're gonna get the numbers. We haven't gotten the numbers in from Minneapolis. Yeah, these are Republican leaning counties.

These are the votes that are counted. These are the ones that are still coming in. Wow. Yeah, they really make it like a game show slash like a math competition. And so exciting slash existentially terrifying. Yeah, it really is. Looking forward to more twists and turns

after these messages. But that's the end of this episode. That's right. Speaking of Philadelphia, I mean, why don't we get out the vote during our live show. That's good. September 27th in Philadelphia.

It's a registration event now. That's correct. But honestly, you could vote for whoever you want. We're not telling you one way or another. We just, we're really just want to inspire you to register. You got to register to vote. Yeah. Find out your registration status.

And thank you guys for listening to this episode. Thank you guys for watching this episode. If you are watching and we will be back next week. That right. Ciao for now. That was a HidGum Original.