If I Were You - 461: Morning After JOE

Episode Date: November 10, 2020

Four years later, we can finally discuss where we were the morning after BIDEN got elected. Then answer as many questions as we can, lightning round style.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. I always I know If I were you You'd show Questions about dating And masturbating If I were you These boys come through

Turn the pot up On your driver Something about blink Yes Yea, it's cause you used to Listen to them a lot, and you Stopped for about twenty years Huhا I wonder if that's it

I wonder if it's as simple as that Yea, you were obsessed with them As a teenager, and now it's a 30-year-old You long for those days You hear the songs and it takes you back To that era of not only to bang era, not only in human history, but in your life. That's what it is.

It definitely is. It's definitely a possibility. All right, since we last spoke, which was the morning after the morning after our special bonus Thursday episode last week, the media has declared Joe Biden president-elect, of course. Four more years.

Since when does the media even fucking tell us who won the election? I'm going to wait until the lawsuits settle and decide who has the most votes after that. I honestly, I love it. Wait till the lawsuits prolong your pain. The faster you admit that Joe Biden won the election, the faster you can just accept the next four years.

It's happening. He's the president. You can go fuck all over the other guy. Tell me what the problem is. The problem for Trump is that he can't keep raising cash if he concedes. So like, he's like, I got a fight, but I need some money. Cool.

Can you spare a dime? And then he sort of milks his supporters for two last months. And then he's like, all right, I'm going to drop the lawsuits, but thanks for the cash, or we fought it, but we lost anyway, those fucking cheaters. All right, bye. I feel like he can raise money for literally anything though. If he's like, I concede I lost the election,

but give me money for my next, for my campaign when I run in 2024. Like, people will be like, for sure. Yeah, that's, but I mean, I'm perfectly happy with him robbing his supporters. I think that's cool, because they're bad too. So here's the question I've been asking people, were you, first of all, where were you?

And then were you more relieved or are you more happy? I didn't know what I was going to feel like. I'll tell you exactly where I was. I had just gotten breakfast with my sister, Liza. And at the end of, I got a sausage, egg, and cheese on a roll. Nice. Yeah. And then anything to drink or just to set the mood. I had to drink anything like an orange juice.

It was a really nice day. Water. I had, let me finish, if you're asking what I was drinking, right? Ice tea. I'll tell you what I drank. It'll be faster. I feel like I know what it is.

Yeah. You feel like you know what it is. You guessed three things and they were all wrong. It wasn't all right. An iced coffee. Yeah. It was a nice coffee. That's right.

You're going to want some water though with it because otherwise you'll get a little dehydrated, but continue. After breakfast, we were like walking. What did she have? She had oatmeal and that's quite enough. And she had a nice coffee as well to drink. Okay.

Noted. And she had a little water because she didn't want to dehydrate it. She was just telling me how she hadn't been able to sleep because she felt good about the election, but she just wanted them to call it. And she was feeling anxious that they hadn't called anything yet.

Yeah. And she left, she was walking home. I got back into my car and as I got into my car, I turned on the radio and at that second, they interrupted the traffic to make the announcement. Whoa. So you heard about it on the radio. I heard it on the radio live as it happened.

I spun my car around and I just, she was walking next to this bagel shop and I blasted it. So I like, I broke the news to people standing out in front of this shop, including my sister. Wow. Wow. And then we hugged and we just felt like so. It was relief.

It was like, it was a confused, happy relief. And then the best part was from there, I drove back to Prospect Heights and like just driving down the street in Williamsburg, I'm just like hearing some car honks, some woos. I'm like driving by people and I start like clapping and we giving each other thumbs ups. But it was like this slow build

that by the time I got back to Prospect Heights, I was like driving up Washington Ave. And I could barely get my car through because there were people out dancing on the streets. Spilling. Yeah, spilling into the road. Banging pots and pans. I drove by Grand Army Plaza

and it was just like filling up with people. Everyone is youthful, everyone's so happy. Then I rode my bike back to McCarron Park and I popped champagne and it was amazing. Wow, okay, so was it more of a relief? Holy shit, that was close. But we'll take it or like, oh my God, we just won the Super Bowl.

Oh my God, we just won the Super Bowl. It's over. Yeah, that was the feeling. And it still is the feeling. And he can do whatever the fuck he wants with the lawsuits. Waste your money, waste everyone's time. What about you? Actually, the Supreme Court just said

that they sided with him. In which state? The votes for Biden. Biden has Pennsylvania and Georgia. He has to do it to four different states. He has to pick off. He can't fucking do it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

For me, I was up all night, late night, every night. And then by the time it actually got called, I was fast asleep because I'm like, all right, I think I don't have to stress that anymore. You weren't even up. Oh man. No, because it was like 8.30, I fell asleep at like three. They have to call it, right?

He's up by 31,000 in Pennsylvania. And then I'm like, if they don't call it, then I guess they just won't call it until weeks and weeks. And they're just waiting for all this drama to subside. And then I wake up, and they're like, all right, they figured 28,000 up and Philly wasn't enough. Let's go to 32,000, and now we can call it. And then once they called it, the floodgates opened.

And I felt, I think I was more on the other side. I felt more relief. I'm like, oh my god, I can't believe it was so close. I had already sort of spent the joyous energy because he had come back and it felt like he was already gonna win, so it wasn't like a holy shit we were about to lose. And now we win instantly. It was such a slow burn towards victory.

It was a release. We were angst. Yes, it was a release. Yeah, we were regged. But I didn't explode. I didn't erupt in like, I wasn't the one dancing on cars in a parking lot. I wish I felt that level of euphoria,

but I was more just exhausted. It was sort of like the end of a marathon, where I'm like, okay, it's done. It's finally done, for how they describe when you get to the top of Mount Everest. You didn't scream woo at the top of your lungs once that day? I did, but only because Apital made me do it.

I wasn't screaming elated joyous. I was more like exhausted, happy that crisis was averted. But overall, I felt like that was too close for comfort, and I knew he was gonna win for three days, and it was weird the way it was done. I think I truly had the opposite experience, where like, I felt like calling it on Saturday on just, it was a beautiful day in New York City.

Yeah, here too. It was like rained for the first time in seven months, and there were like rainbows in the sky for the first time ever. I feel like it was a gift that that happened on a Saturday, and I had an entire day of like partying, and being happy and joyful with people. It was a gift, it was a wonderful thing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely happy people partied because it was fun to see Trump sort of like, or slowly realizing that the day he lost was an international music festival in his dishonor, so it was nice to see him bummed, but I didn't have the energy to like, celebrate with everybody. I mean, it was like, we should not necessarily

have gathered in the amount of groups that we did, but... Yeah, definitely a lot of singing and dancing and close proximity. Yeah, it was wrong, but my God, I couldn't help it. Yeah, what else were you gonna do? We've been waiting for this moment for four years. Yeah, it was worth the risk for me. And then, is any part of you a little like,

nervous or downtrodden about how it went down, like how it wasn't the overwhelming yada yada, the Senate yada yada? I'm, I think I've gone back and forth on this. As they continue to tally up the votes, the popular vote margin is getting bigger and bigger. I do think that it, it'd be nice if it was like, totally unequivocal, nothing he could do about it.

But in a way, it's kind of fun that he's gonna whine about the results. Like him tweeting, I won the election by a lot, is it still makes me laugh every time I look at it. And I look at it sometimes just for the joy. And then you not also remember that Biden flipped, like so far it's four states back from where Trump had them. And it's a broad coalition too.

It's not just, you got the Rust Belt back or whatever, like Georgia and Arizona and Michigan. Like I feel like that's a good broad coalition. And there are the people that will want to see Hunter Biden's emails. And I just don't, I just cannot give a fuck about them. If Trump won by, or Trump lost by like four million more votes, it still wouldn't have been enough of a rebuke

to eliminate those people. They're here to stay. So I don't think there was anything, there's not really any results that can be better. Just like in a, like black and white, this is what happened, Trump lost, Biden's the new leader. That's great. That's all I care about.

Right. Yeah. The end goal is good. We can all agree on that. This is what we wanted. The Senate is definitely frustrating, but there's still a snowball chance in hell that we can get it. That's right.

There's two Georgia run-offs. I'll be donating to Ossoff, 31 year old Jew. Yeah, dude. I, you thought you were gonna be able to unsubscribe from the emails, but no. You thought phone banking was over. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. We're calling Georgia's.

You better believe we're calling Georgia's. I feel bad for people who live in Georgia for the next two months. They're gonna get like half a billion dollars worth of ads thrown at them. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Imagine this much important on one Senate race.

At what point did it occur to you that we are gonna keep on doing our podcast? I think Wednesday morning when I woke up and like everything was, they were talking about how the votes coming in will propel Biden to victory easily in Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin, and that would be enough. I see.

Saturday you weren't like, we're gonna keep on doing the podcast. No, that's what I said. I felt like it was already over. And I was like, I was just exhausted waiting for them to call it and they wouldn't call it. And then by the time they finally did, I was like, I had already mentally decided

that he was gonna win. I was just like frustrated that was taking them so long. Yeah. Calling it definitely meant something to me. Yeah. I mean, it meant something to everybody. There were parties happening in Paris and London. I hadn't even like made my mind.

I definitely thought that, but it wasn't like, I was not in the camp of like, this thing's over. I was like, as long as they haven't called it, this is, there's still like a lot of damage that can be done. It is awesome that Biden's already acting like president. So like everyone's like, no, wait, we have to wait. And Biden's like, all right,

I'm meeting with the task force today. I'm gonna give speeches. They're gonna air that on CNN and Trump's like, stop it. You're kicking me out, actually. We have to wait. Yeah, all the world leaders congratulating him too. Don't congratulate him actually, because I am gonna say there was a guy

who was supposed to be six feet away in Pennsylvania when they counted the votes and he was 12. So that could be Kavanaugh, tell him, come on, Amy. I gave you a job. Corsuch, you're such a piece of shit. What about the four seasons total landscaping thing? Did you enjoy it? I still don't exactly know what,

do they know exactly what went down? Like the order of operations, but it felt like a VEP episode. Yeah, I feel like the truth is never really gonna be known because whoever made the mistake is never going to admit it. But like it's so very clear what happens. So this is what did happen. Trump tweeted, we're having a press conference at the Four Seasons Philadelphia.

Then he deleted it and said, actually we're having a press conference at the Four Seasons total landscape. And people were like, wait, that's not a hotel. It's an actual like landscape business. And then they're like, yes, we actually are having it there. And Rudy Giuliani did a press conference there in front of like a dumpster.

It's like he found out on the fly that the media had called the election for Biden while he was there. While he was there, people started partying in the streets while he was there in the outskirts of Philadelphia in a weird industrial part of town next to a crematorium and a pornographic bookstore. Like that's so funny.

It is just so good. What's possible is that they told Trump or he's like, do it at the Four Seasons and they're like done. And then they either couldn't get the Four Seasons so they got something called the Four Seasons or they called the wrong Four Seasons. And then by the time they got there, it was too late.

They couldn't change it to the hotel. Yeah, I think it was booked by mistake, couldn't help it. And then yeah, they couldn't change it. So they just had to go with it. And they were like, who chose this place because it's an American business. You could have done that with any business. It just happens to have the name of a hotel

that Trump tweeted about. Also, that's the guy in charge of the lawsuits. This is a pretty big deal, don't you think? You should have someone a little bit more confident. This fucking crazy person who couldn't book a hotel. I love it. It's gonna be a wild two months. All right, but enough about us.

This is, if I were you, an advice show after all. That's right. It's about you. The only one on the internet still hosted by us. We were going to retire, but we're back, baby. Four more years, four more years. Four more years, four more years. We asked for some lightning round-esque questions

from the peoples of Twitter. Let's see how many we can get through. Okay, well, here's a question. No question, Mark, but very concerned about your Hawaii plans. Someone talked about us. What are your thoughts about moving to Hawaii now that we have a good president-elect?

Yeah, it's less necessary for sure. I mean, it's still, it seems more relaxing. And especially with winter coming, it seems like a fun place to sort of spend January, February, March still, and corona seems to be more in control in Hawaii than say anywhere in the mainland. So there's still some positives to be had.

And what about New South Australia? Cause I was sending you some, actually I was sending some office space available in Melbourne, but yeah. That's where you were on Tuesday afternoon. Florida sort of went red. That's right. Yeah, I guess the idea of living in another place,

I still have my wanderlust, but it's definitely no longer fueled from a need to get away and disassociate myself with the country, which is good. Yeah. It's nice that a really nice kind person beat a really dumb, mean, and competent person. Even though that dumb, mean, and competent person

got 70 plus million votes, Biden will get 78 million, and that's just enough. It's just enough. It's all we need. We always knew that we were split in half, but now we see how, I guess, how rotten the other half really is. I saw this, somebody did this math where it was like,

if you just take out California, the rest of the country preferred Trump, which is a pretty bleak way of looking at it. Yeah, definitely. So 49 of 50 states and Trump wins the popular vote. That's not okay. Like, there's no reason to offer up a bleak hypothetical. That's not real.

I don't even understand, but. Here's a question about Biden's cabinet. What cabinet positions asks RB Fenn 20? Would you and Jake be in Biden's administration? That's a good question. I think I'd be Secretary of State, I think. Really? That's a big one.

That's a really big one. Cause, well, for three reasons. One, I'm good at getting along with people. I think that I could get along with foreign leaders and dignitaries. Two, I'm a frequent flier. I actually have Delta status. So.

Yeah, you'd probably not need to fly Delta if you're in Secretary of State. I would need to, but I want to. Cause I got almost there cookie. You could probably get a bisque off if you were the Secretary of State delivered to you. You wouldn't have to go on a fucking flight to Dubai. But I'd get to, I'd get to fly Delta

so I could go to the, like the, the sky zone. I think that'd be cool. By the way, isn't one called like treasure, like transportation department? Like you can be like the head of transportation. All you care about is transportation around here. I want international travel cause I want the points. Also, my third point, what I was going to say is

I know a lot about foreign policy. Like for example, there's always the kindness is the best policy. Nice. Yeah. Who's the current Secretary of State? Do you know? Is it, isn't it Mike Pompeo? I don't know.

I just, one of the best things about Biden being president is that all of Trump's friends and family don't live in the White House anymore. So it's like a full cleansing of everybody that's in charge. The worst person is not in charge of the education department. I want to, yeah.

I want to follow some of that. Like the, all of, every single one of those like cabinet appointments that everybody was so horrified, like Betsy DeVos, like all of Scott Pruitt, I did leave already, but like just all of these shitty, shitty, shitty people. It's not just Trump losing his job. They lost their jobs too.

Stephen Miller lost his job. Jared Kushner lost his job. They lost their job. That's cool. Kellyanne Conner lost her fucking job. Yes. Yeah, the press. I want to be the press secretary.

What's her name? Kaylee. Kaylee McEnany. The job is open. She lost her job. Yeah, that's right. You could do like a little, a little standup set every day, answer some questions.

You like the, you like the idea of being in front of people. The cameras pointing at you. You want to answer- Yeah, I want to be sort of the face, the cool face of the organization. Cause I see like Ossoff and like people are like, damn that guy's cool, that guy's hot, that guy's going to be a senator.

And I'm like, so fuck that I'm the fucking press secretary. I'm actually not even a secretary. I'm actually the press boss. Nice. The press boss. You'll never, you'll never be like hot like Ossoff is though. Well, I just have to, I have to be like taller a little bit. And like-

It's not just taller. He has like a pretty defined jawline. Yeah. A nice groomed beard and like thicker, curlier hair. The bone structure on his face is good across the board. And you don't have any of that. So even if you were taller and you had a better chin, you'd be tall with a good chin, but like bad eyes,

bad nose and like teeth. My attitude is poor. Yeah. And I like- Most of all, like I don't have the energy to keep fighting like he does in like a fun, exciting way. Totally. It seems like all I did was to call you ugly

and you're like giving up on your dream of becoming press boss already. I don't, yeah. I'll do like, what's like, what's a pretty random one? Like what's the, there's no one, yeah, interior isn't there one called like the Department of the Interior or something? Department of the Interior, Department of Agriculture.

That'd be a good idea. I can do that, probably. You'll be in charge of corn. I love corn, that's perfect for me. All right, let's take a break. Thanks some sponsors and we'll be back with more questions and answers after this. Yes, yes, yes.

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is, yeah.

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We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want

directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame.

We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. Like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah.

She misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame?

Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device, anywhere, and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app.

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Yeah, here's a question for you, just for me. When the Republican senators, it almost felt like they might have started splintering off from Trump being like, maybe you shouldn't say that the election is gonna be rigged in a fraud. And then they're like, actually, no, yeah, he's right. He's right. Here's $500,000.

I actually agree with you, President Trump. That was an annoying U-turn that they took. Yeah, yeah. There's nothing that Republican senators could do to redeem themselves or fall further out of the zone of my respect, though. So Lindsey Graham is like, if you were like, Trump should concede,

I'd be like, good, you did the right thing, you're still a piece of shit. But instead he tacked way further to the other direction, donated $500,000. But that's great. You have to, no matter what they do, it's all good because it's all dumb. Like Lindsey Graham is $500,000 poorer now.

That's awesome. He sucks. And he lost $500,000 to a worthless cause. Dope. Like Trump has all of these guys like held hostage. I think it's fun that they are, they must be so frustrated and so afraid of him that I think it's cool.

But why still, if he's about to lose, they still have to kiss his feet on his way out. I think yet, because they know that he has such a hold on his base and it's people that they need. But the weird thing to me is that like, you need Trump's base and people outside of it to actually win. Like it's evidenced by the fact that Trump

underperformed the rest of the GOP, like in Congress and in the Senate. Like, yeah. You need the never Trumpers and the always Trumpers to sort of get together. So it is like a really tough line to walk. I imagine where you have to like, not totally repudiate Trump,

but also not totally embrace him. Like Lindsey Graham put out a win in a more normal state. Right. So this is exactly how they got together and they said, let's just tweet, we must count the legal votes. All right. You can't get mad at us for that. Trump can't get mad at us for not saying the elections.

You should call all the votes that were cast for Biden illegal. Well, we can't do that because they weren't. So we're not gonna say that. Let's just say count every vote. Yeah. And certainly you would agree with that. You can't get mad at me for that.

The thing where people disagree is let's have an election. Is which votes were legal and which ones were illegal? Cause most people would admit that all of the votes that they counted were legal. And Trump thinks that all of the votes for Biden were illegal. The ones that came in after election day. Yeah.

I can understand. The ones that were actually cast before. It must have been very sad for him cause he was up by so much. That's fun. Yeah. And do you think that he thinks that they were illegal votes or is he just lying to his base to get them to give him cash?

I truly have no idea. I mean, he seems to actually believe a lot of conspiracy theories. Like, do you think he actually believes that Obama was born intent in Kenya? Or was he just doing that for like, I don't think he was doing that for publicity. I think he's a fucking dumb lunatic

who thinks there's a conspiracy out there. So like, I'm not surprised that he's this committed to it. Interesting. And I think that he doesn't necessarily care as long as it like puts him on top. Like, all he cares about is being popular and being a winner. So it almost doesn't matter how he gets that. Right.

If, I would love to know his real thoughts. I think that he's fully gone off the deep end and like drinks his own Kool-Aid, his own Kool-Aid now. So I think he is. Yeah. Even if it started in a place where he was like making a deal with the devil for things that he didn't necessarily believe in but wanted to be famous, I feel like it's gone too far now.

Okay. Here's a question from the Gil Moreno. Where's the first place you're going after you get the vaccine? I don't know if you saw, but there's a vaccine not quite done yet, but trending well with Pfizer's vaccine or whatever is doing well in studies. So we're getting closer. We're trending closer and it's good that we'll have the Biden administration

to actually roll out the vaccine. Because I don't know if a lot of people would trust Donald Trump with medical advice. That's correct. I've been really just missing the UK. So you want to travel abroad? I do want to travel abroad. More so than like go to a movie in America.

Yeah. I don't give a fuck about. Like I don't think I miss, I don't know. Yeah. I don't think I miss like crowds and like the old America like going to, I'd like to go to like a bar and have a drink inside and like, but I don't want to be like, yeah, I don't miss like going to the mall. Right. What about going to the mall high?

Oh, that's different. Nah, going to the mall. Stoned of yourself. What about? I want to go to England and just travel around by train again. That's what I miss. More so than like, what about performing? We could do comedy shows again.

Yeah. I mean, that would, if we could, I think my dream trip, at least right now, as this question is being asked, is going to England, Ireland and Scotland doing shows everywhere. A show in Dublin, show in Manchester, show in London, show in Edinburgh. As I mentioned before, I got super into ancestry.com during lockdown and I found out where my ancestors are from

in Scotland and Ireland. So I kind of want to like go around and see what's up. Like walk through those green hills and see if I feel a calling to my ancestral home. What about you? I think I want to do indoor activities here, like basketball games, football games. Oh, you miss like sporting events.

Yeah, sporting events, sports bars, watching stuff with people, stuff like that. But yeah, traveling. You want to see your friends? I'd like to see my friends in a setting that's not very cold and distant. Yeah. You want to see your friends outside of a Zoom? Yeah, outside of a Zoom or outside of like a 12 feet apart. And we're both wearing masks, yelling at each other.

Yeah, if you could do, if you could plan a tour right now, wherever you want to go. Hmm. Ah, hmm. Huh. Canada? Hmm. We can go to Vancouver, Toronto.

Some place warm would be nice. Go to Australia during our winter. Do you think you'll travel within the last year of, basically, do you think you'll spend a year not traveling? So your last flight was February 29th? Yeah. Do you think you'll take a flight before February 28th of this year?

Hmm. I think there's a chance. There is an outside chance that I will. Yeah. What about you? I don't, probably not. I mean, by the time the vaccine gets here and then people take it, then like,

it's not instantly effective. So you won't get on a plane before you're vaccinated? No, I don't think so. I think I would get on a plane before I was vaccinated. Then you might as well do it now. Yeah, no, I might. Got it. I mean, it is the perfect time.

The numbers have never been higher. That was another funny subplot of election week. It's like coronavirus, which started in last March, has never infected more people as during the election. As Trump is saying, we're rounding the turn. But like, how fucking would you have been stressed out if this Pfizer news, 90% effective vaccine, comes out Monday morning before the election?

Yeah, because then people would be like, see, he did a good job. Yeah. And I wonder if Trump is probably angry about that too. Definitely, which is awesome. God, I love that. He's so mad. He probably thinks it was a plot against him.

And honestly, if it was, hell yeah, that's great. That's probably good, yeah. I mean, you see all these leaked quotes from the White House being like, I'm relieved. Thank God this is almost over. I didn't wanna work for more years. Ooh, you gotta send me some of those leaked quotes. I wanna read them.

Also, the night of the election, his chief of staff just had coronavirus at his party. Yes, and Ben Carson just got it too, from that same party. It seems like it was a super spreader. What a fucking idiot. God, it's fucking good. He's bad and now he's finally gone.

It feels so good. I might start following him. I never followed Trump, but I think I might start because it's so funny. All right, which West Wing character does Jake most resemble in Amir's eyes asks on a Claire Day, Claire Corsi? Which one?

Been rewatching West Wing. Great show, by the way. I highly recommend it still. I know you've rewatched it once or twice already. Yeah, an amazing show. He's, I guess, you're most like Josh Lyman, Bradley Whitford's character, because it's sort of like sarcastic and snarky,

but kind of well-respected around the office. You think I'm well-respected at the hip-come office? Yeah, but not like Leo McGarry level, obviously, but like when Leo, AKA me, needs to get something done, he'll assign Josh his little piss boy. Yeah, I'm Josh Lyman. I don't really know how to do anything. All right, out of the way.

Let's get Sam Seaborne, AKA Marty here. What was Josh Lyman's job in the White House? He was the deputy chief of staff. Chief of staff, yeah. So Leo was the president's right-hand man and Josh was one under him. Cool. And Josh got shot, right?

Did he? I'm not there yet. Don't spoil it. I thought you said you're watching it for the first time? No, I'm watching it. I watched the first two seasons like seven years ago, now I'm rewatching it, but I remember somebody getting shot, but I don't remember specifically who. I thought you had watched all of it,

now you're rewatching all of it. So you watched the first two seasons, now you're rewatching the additional, those two seasons and then going on. Yeah, I don't even know if I'll go on because I think Sorkin leaves at a certain point, it becomes less of a good show. Right, that is true.

I think he like leaves and comes back, like he's gone in season four and five or something like that. Interesting, not worth it. Oh, here's an interesting one from Lenny, alid underscore Z. Does lingerie even make a difference? It comes off anyways, question mark.

So that's interesting. How much does sexy underwear matter? And think of Trump in a thong while you answer this. So he's wearing a corset of sorts and he's sort of dancing playfully, trying to get Melania off, but it's not quite working. Yeah.

I never cared about lingerie. I think that it's just, it's for, different strokes for different folks, because I think that there's an element of people that are attracted to people in lingerie, there's an element to feeling attractive yourself while you're in the lingerie. Personally, for me, I think that comfortable clothes

are hotter and lingerie always makes it seem like it's like too, I don't know, like too tight or something. Right, or like a lot of effort is being had in the same way that like I don't like a full face of makeup and jewelry and stuff like that. Right, I also, I have a distaste for makeup and high heels freak me out.

It just seems like weird. Yeah, I'm weird. And I'm like, why? Or like, when you get really close, you can just see it. It's like very thick and uncomfortable, you can tell some of the makeup is. Nothing's hotter to me than a gray hoodie and granny panties. And I'm not even kidding.

I think that's sexy. I'm wearing that right now. This is insane. All right, Jeremy Umpelby, yeah, Umpelby, what's the most fucked up thing you've seen on the internet? You know, I'll tell you what, the, I was looking for like a lot of people. I was like, I spent some months of the quarantine

thinking about getting a quarantine dog. And one of the dog rescue places that I was like looking into, they seem to really specialize with like dogs that like really suffered some abuse and some trauma. And they're also always asking for money for the surgery for these dogs. And sometimes I'm still like in my suggested things on Instagram from them or like from their emails

that I was like on in the listserv, they'll like send me photos of like these really mistreated dogs, like dogs that were attacked by other dogs, dogs that like were held on a leash for too long and they're like necks all chafing and they're like donate money for sprinkle surgery. And it's just like, it's, you feel for the pups, but like it's such a fucked up photo

of like a pimple's exploded face. And like, you shouldn't be allowed to put that in my email. That's, I should, that should be like flagged for, like I should have to click through to see that. Obviously it's them and like ads, like Facebook ads, like she donates money to like some like puppy organization. And then like the next day it's like, here's this abused dog.

And it's like, Jesus, I'm just on Facebook. You can't be able to use that. What about you? What's the most fucked up thing you've seen on the internet? I mean, as, you know, as someone who was a teenager when the internet was coming of age, there was no holds barred back then. You could see whatever you want and you're like 60

and you're like, holy shit, this is fucking insane. So like remember like some of the shit on like rotten.com. Like some of the stuff was fucking bleak, dark, weird, like self mutilation, weird death shit. There's no end to the insanity on the internet. It's a dangerous question. Don't start pulling the thread. Really don't start pulling.

I'm thinking about one video that you made me watch once, I think that I cannot unsee. I won't even talk about it on this podcast. Oh, is that the one where the shit was going up into my ass? That was me. Yeah, that was a video that you made. Yeah, it looked like I was getting pegged by my own logs.

Yeah. You put that on rotten.com. I was rejected. It wasn't rotten enough. I mean, Tub Girl alone was like a popular meme of like a weird woman diary-ing as a fountain onto her own head. And that was like-

I mean, we all watched like two girls one cup in the office. Like- Oh yeah, that's a great answer. This is foul. That was like a video that most people like- Yeah, saw on their own or like maybe with a friend. We like had it playing publicly at the office with like 40 people around like cracking up.

Jeff Rosenberg's like eating cookies during that video. Eating pudding. Do you have any questions that you see? Ryan Davis says, how's your beard game going? What's your routine? And it occurred to me that a question stuck out to me because I'm currently growing my beard. I feel like I go through seasons with my beard

where like right now I'm trying to not cut it for until New Year's. Uh-oh, you're doing that thing again. What? You know where it's headed. This is where you look like a weird homeless person for like three months, for seemingly no reason. Your beard looks bad, your hair is overgrown.

And then like in April, you're like, what the fuck was I thinking? And then you get a haircut and it's like, oh, I look much better. Yeah. So you might as well just fast forward to that point. You can already look like that better person already right now. That is interesting.

I don't know why you put yourself and your loved ones through this weird phase of self-uglification for seemingly no reason. My beard looks cool when it's really big. Yeah, but then like it gets, it's cool when it's full and then it like, it gets too full. There's the excess two months where it's like a little bit too much and it starts going to your mouth

and you start like drinking a smoothie and it gets stuck in your mustache. We're at the point right now where the mustache hairs come over the lip. Like I gotta put them out to the side. Yeah. Yeah. I'm due for another haircut at home too.

Like the hair is falling into my eyes when I like look down at stuff. It's not a good thing. What do you do to turn your beard? Just normal, usual hair trimmer and stuff like that. Clippers and that's like the length that you'd like to keep it at right now. Yeah.

And when it gets into my mouth, that's, I don't like that feeling anymore. Would you ever go shorter? Would you ever go back to the stubble days of your? That would be interesting. I don't know. I don't have a desire to, but maybe just to see what it's like.

Yeah, there's no reason not to. I think now is the time where we can all experiment with our facial hair and our hair. And. Yeah, and our bodies specifically. That's right. Maybe I'll get a temp tattoo on my neck or something like that.

That's a cool idea. I love that. For you. A few more questions before we run out of time. A week ago, I listened to the morning after Trump podcast in preparation for the election. It'd be great if you could compare the feeling then and the feeling now.

Man, for one thing I was incredibly hung over during that podcast. Interesting. When the election started to go south on Tuesday in 2016, I got drunk. I drank a lot of whiskey. So the next day I was like, it felt like a hangover, like an emotional one,

and also a physical one. It was like, I mean, I remember feeling like we needed to connect with the people that abandoned us. And now I feel like we don't need to do that anymore. Like they need to connect back with us. They need to come back to reality. And there's more of us than there are of them. So if they're gonna be crazy and racist,

they should just go fuck off. Yeah, that's another like internet debate right now. It's like, reach out to a Trump supporter. Like, you know how much pain they're going through. And like, shouldn't we be uniting and not dividing? I think not. Well, at least that's not my job. That's Joe Biden's job now.

But I for one, this morning was listening to conservative talk radio and just laughing because it's so fun to hear them talk about like, you know, it's not over. It's not over. We've got a challenge in court. The votes are actually close in Georgia. They're talking about like Arizona.

It's like, it's only 29,000 votes behind. That is actually a lot of votes. Yeah, that's a basketball stadium filled with people who preferred Biden to Trump. So I don't know if you're gonna find that many sources of fraud. Question mark, is Rudy Giuliani on the case? Cause last I saw he was next to a dumpster

yelling at the clouds. So I don't know if you have your best man on the job. Yeah, got tricked by Sasha Barrett and Cohen. I don't think he's right. All right, we got a lot of more questions, but maybe we should try to answer them as a JNA AMA on our Patreon. That is right.

So if you're hearing this on Monday, just know that on Thursday, there will be a video of us answering the other questions that we didn't get to. Yeah, I mean, there is hundreds of good ones. Hundreds, read me a teaser. Read me a teaser that we're gonna answer on JMA AMA. Can you remember, this is from Slex Axton,

Alex Sexton writes, can you remember a time when you thought you were being recognized as Jake and or Amir and you acted on it, but you had read the situation incorrectly. I can, yeah. I've got a small and embarrassing, very cringy story to tell on JNA AMA.

All right, cool. Sweet, thank you guys so much for listening to this episode. I guess we're back, another four years. What can we say? The people have spoken. We can't put it down. We have a mandate. That's right.

We have a wide rebuke of Trump and a pro Jake and Amir movement. I can't believe it. A Jake and Amir wave. I can't believe we carried Illinois for the man. A Jew wave. You're welcome, I guess. All right, this closing theme song is by Ethan Dawson

from Perth, Australia. So maybe we should go back there. Yes. Oh, God damn. I never thought I'd say that I missed Perth as much as I do, but I miss you guys. Ethan says you woke up early on a Saturday, worked out, then smoked a bowl and made this acoustic song.

Shout out to Alex Caruso, his girlfriend, Kate, his drummer, Aaron. Oh, good. There you have it. All right, thank you, Ethan. Oh wait, did I ever say who did all the small things, Perity? I honestly don't think so.

I don't think so either. Wow, that was Matt Windsor. Okay. We are the county cousins from the beautiful Prince Edward County in Ontario, Canada. Another place we should go to. So a Canadian and an Australian making theme songs for us. Yeah, damn.

Let's do it. And they posted cover songs on YouTube. So this is good. I'm telling you guys at the end of the episode, so you don't have to remember it the whole episode. The county cousins cover songs on YouTube. They made all the small things, Perity. Ethan made this closing theme song and that's it.

Thank you for your time. If you have any more questions or theme songs send them to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. And we're out for now. Peace. Bye everybody. Later. If I were you with these coy dudes

It's shaking me and they're making dreams come true It's right around gmail.com If I were you, I'd help you through