If I Were You - 462: Screen Time

Episode Date: November 16, 2020

In this episode we discuss smoothie bowls, nightcaps, and cellphone addiction.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. You chose hope and unity, decency, science, and yes, truth. You chose Joe Biden as the next president of the United States of America. But while I may be the first woman in this office, I will not be the last. Because every little girl watching tonight sees that this is a country of possibilities. Hey, I know that it's been tough, the pain and lies, it's all too much and you've been brave to fight. So darkness is all around, but can you see the light and ain't so faded? Dust off hope, four years you've waited, tell me it feels good to see the sun.

Oh, if I were you, well I'd thank Maine and Minnesota. If I were you, Pennsylvania, maybe Arizona. If I were you, I'd cheers the folks inside through. If I were you, yeah, yeah. My fellow Americans, let us be the nations that we know we can be with full hearts and steady hands. With faith in America and in each other, a nation united, a nation strengthened, a nation healed. Ladies and gentlemen, there's never been anything we've tried and not been able to do. So remember, as my grandpa used to say when I walked out of his home, when I was a kid up at Sprint,

he'd say, Joey, keep the faith and our grandmother would say, you'll know Joey, spread it. Spread the faith, God love you all. May God bless America and may God protect our church. Woo! Spread the faith, Joey! Come on, Joey! Hell yeah. Yeah.

Nice, anyway. Come on. You're still reeling from that fucking W? I don't want to politicize the podcast at all. That was a nice theme song, but it skewed a little up the center. We spent the last year reeling against Trump. We spent the last month saying we wouldn't even do the show if he got reelected. We were looking up real estate in other countries, brother.

It was nice to hear the Kamala talk about maybe a little girl is watching and is inspired to run for president. That's nice, but we're also going to be missing a lot with our current administration. What are we going to be missing? What would we possibly be missing? Yeah, he assaulted several dozens of women, which was bad, but he didn't admit to it. Which was also bad. Right, but we won despite all that, and there's something to be said there about how fucked up our country is. What do you mean you didn't win?

You lost. You won in 2016. Are we still talking about that? We're talking about the recount. What an epic theme song. I didn't realize it sounded like he had just made an amazing song for himself, but yeah, it was about our podcast a little bit in there. Yeah, that was incredible.

It was awesome. I loved it every second. Dustin Clark, this is a post-election theme song and kind of needs to be played for Monday's show, or it will not make much sense. We played it, I think, a week too late, but still we're still in that zone. Yeah, it still makes sense. Yeah. Biden still won.

He still won despite Republican leadership's best efforts, I guess. And still continued best efforts. This guy says, Dustin writes, I wrote this literally the day Joe Biden was elected president, so he was also moved. He said this is a musical exhale, releasing all the unconscious Trump tension. So let it all out, and this guy was able to do it with music. Congratulations, America. We did it.

We did. The Blue Wave. But we're back. Obviously, we were talking about ending the show. We don't have to do that anymore. We got some questions. This is after all... We'll try to find another reason to end the show, don't worry.

Yeah, like when he refuses to leave and the Supreme Court has his back or some shit. But this is an advice show, an advice podcast. The only one on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I am Jake. Let's see here. We have... Oh, actually, we got one email that wasn't really a question.

It was just sort of a post-election joyful message. So I wanted to read that one first. All right. About an hour before I sent this, this is Marty Van. He doesn't have to be anonymous because no compromising details here. About an hour before I sent this, Biden was projected winner of the 2020 election. And as per your promise, the show goes on. My question is a two-parter.

It's time to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself this. When will more episodes of Jeffrey the dumbass be released? Interesting. Question two. A hard look at ourselves in the mirror. Question two. Jake, you're a tyrant. Give Amir a golden mic for this episode to mark this glorious occasion.

That wasn't really a question. Oh well, sue me. Much love, Joe Jorgensen. That's cool. So, yeah. I like that idea. I actually, and I think I would, I'd actually do that. The only issue, of course, being due.

The only issue was that it was, you know, for, for the episode just after Biden won. Now we're like, we passed that. It feels like the ship has sailed. I think it's a cool idea. And I, and I would have won. You can give me one retroactive for last week. I would have, I, you can't give a retroactive. You cannot give a retroactive golden mic.

You don't relitigate the golden mics. You don't ask for a recount on the golden mics. Okay. And that's almost turdy territory that you're suggesting it. This is just, just a quick recap. Jake has given himself a award at the end of every podcast I've ever recorded. I haven't given it to myself every single episode. Ben Schwartz won it.

Once on Thomas won it once. I've never won it. You have 460 some odd episodes. I thought you won one. No, I don't think so. When is the one I would have won? I'll take it. I'll take the award now.

I thought I gave, I thought it was like, I gave you one and me one, but maybe you didn't ultimately earn it. I can't quite remember. You have, I'll say you have a pretty impressive, you have an impressive streak of not getting one. Almost as impressive of a streak as I have of getting every single one except for episode 300 where Ben got it. Thomas got it. I remember. Got it. So for the most part, now that we're starting a new phase of our lives, so we can maybe start a new era where we both get it.

I don't even need you to get a turdy. I can get a golden mic. You can get a golden mic. Maybe. Let's say at least for the spirit of this question where you deserve to golden mic on post election day podcast episode because it was such a joyous occasion. You don't get it because we didn't talk about it during the episode. So the ship has sailed. You can't get a posthumous golden mic.

You can not retroactively give a golden mic. That episode, I would give the golden mic to Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. So that's pretty cool. They got the golden mic without even being on the show. Damn. So neither of us got the golden mic, neither of us got the turdy. I got it that episode because they can't just earn it for nothing. I think I had it for the episode and I'm gifting it, kind of like accepting it in their name, if that makes sense.

Yeah, not really, but that's fine. But neither of us got a turdy then. You got a turdy that episode. Yeah, that's awesome. For making it political. What the fuck are you talking about? You just gave a fucking fake award to the president and I'm getting the shitty award because I made it political. Listen to yourself.

You're contradicting yourself. It's not contradictory. I think that I, you know, the president deserves a golden. The president elect gets the golden mic. The vice president elect gets a golden mic because they won the election. That's not political. That's a W and they get that golden mic for that. You made the podcast political.

You get a turdy. Now you know what it's like to like tweet as Trump where you're like sort of like forcing these weird, illogical, confusing sentiments all into one magical tweet. It's odd how, yeah, it's odd how easy it is. I guess he and I have something in common. Yeah, it's like when he's like, the Democrats said the selection would be rigged, which it's not, except it is for them. And you're like, what are you saying? Just don't type anymore. You don't have to say stuff.

You're stepping on your own feet. Just relax. You're too dumb. You're too dumb. Well, he's not changing any hearts or minds. He just, he's, yeah, I don't even know. You don't have to say anything. He didn't have to address it.

He's like, he's catching them in a lie, which catches his own self in a lie halfway through the tweet. Then he like tries to save face, but like he could just click on cancel and then not have to back himself into a corner. He's not required to tweet about any of the stuff that he does. He could not. He could opt to not. It'll be fun. It'll be fun when they don't mean anything anymore. All right.

Here's a real question from a NAD pod fan. So do you have any new NAD pod names to give this dude? Yeah. This, this campaign, I am playing an Echo Knight named Henry Hank Hogfish. So we can call him Hank. Why are you looking at me like that? Henry Hank Hogfish. Henry Hogfish is his name.

Hank for short. Hank Hogfish. Hank is short for Henry. And is he like hard one in that he has like what, really strong thick legs or something like that? Actually, what's interesting about Henry is that he's very average. And I've, and I've made a point of specifying that he is a medium build. He's five foot nine. He wears a size nine and a half shoe.

He's just sort of a, he's just a guy who knows what's going to happen to Henry. He might get hot over time. Yeah. I think he'll get hot. He'll get abs. Yeah. The first fucking possibility you'll roll like a 20 sided die to give him a 12 pack or some shit. Well, I have already established that he's a bit vascular.

He's not. Yeah. He doesn't have a lot of body fat. He's not chlubby. No. Right. He's low body fat. He's lean.

He's lithe. Got it. In fact, he's got pretty strong. He's got bone structure. He's somewhat hot. He's more of like a rock climber is five foot nine. Doesn't have an ounce of fat on his body. All right.

Anyway, Hank writes, Henry writes, I recently moved out of my parents home in New York and now I'm on my own with my dog in Ohio. I had more than enough saved up and I'm working door dash, which is pulling in more than enough to pay the bills out here. My question is now that I have all this free time and money saved up. I've been thinking about starting a D&D podcast with some friends. I have a mic and some free recording programs on my computer. I'm a big fan of critical role dimension 20 and of course, NAD pod.

So I was wondering, where do I start? Should we try streaming a campaign? Where would I even post a podcast? I'm a total noob at this and I don't even know where to begin. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Love, Henry. Okay. So this guy is essentially asking, how do I, how do I make a podcast?

Where do I put a podcast? How do I get a podcast out there into the world? Yeah. And this is like, this is something we're actually, we don't ever get questions about how to start a podcast, but like, I would say this is one of the rare areas of our actual expertise. We've started shows. We know how to do this.

We can answer this with authority. Right. All right. You want to go, you want to go through this step by step process. Okay. Microphone, he's already got, that's a huge one. It's something to record your audio. Yeah.

And then again, it's not about how good the mic is. It's about how good your room is. You want a soft room, dampen it up, no echoes, the smaller, the better, the wetter, the weather, the leather, the header, the heather, the sweatshirt. That's right. Wrap your head in a heathered gray sweatshirt of sorts and speak into that softness. I also, I was sort of marveling the other day at just the fact that we, we started in your apartment making like a weird little towel fort.

That was like the OG podcast. Then we got a house with a studio. Then we got an office that had a podcast recording studio. Then we had a second office. We had two podcast recording studios. And now after all that, we're back in our apartments in weird little towel forts sitting in closets. It's like podcasting from the beginning all over again. Yeah.

Corona has backpedaled us five years. And now we're doing it over the internet, which even when we were doing it together, it was a lot easier. But all you need is a microphone. All your friends need is a microphone. And then if not, you can even record the zoom. Zoom has a record meeting function. So you can sound good.

And then it records the audio that's being recorded as the zoom conversation is being played out. That is correct. That is correct. And then you can edit using, I mean, any editing software, you can use GarageBand that's like on your Mac already for free. People use Audacity. Is that another one? Yeah.

You can edit on Audacity. Yeah. And then there are little like plugins and applications which will equalize your audio. So it makes the loud parts quieter and the quieter parts louder. So it's all the same level. That's pretty clutch. And then all you need to submit a podcast to iTunes, which puts it everywhere really, is to upload one episode to a host.

And you can use whatever host you want. I feel like a lot of like meetings we have with potential podcasters, like one of the questions we very commonly get is like, well, how do you get it on iTunes and Spotify? Like that's the hard part that we have. Like we have the inside knowledge of how to make it appear on Apple. Yeah. How do you click the upload button?

But yeah, as long as you have, I mean, there's plenty of places that host for free. I think Libsyn hosts for free. Is that right? Yeah. A lot of places have like free options where it's like you don't upload a lot or not a lot of people are listening to it. So you don't have to pay for a lot of bandwidth, but it's not too expensive regardless.

Right. And your host will send the file to Spotify and they will send it to iTunes. Your podcast will appear on these places. And I think if you want to grow that show, you just hit up like the forums where people might be interested. And like you mentioned, there's a lot of D&D communities out there that might enjoy your show if you're making something that's like thematically similar to Adventure Zone or D20 or NAPOD.

That's right. There's a supply. There's a demand, I should say. A D&D man. So as long as your supply is good enough, people will start consuming it. And then before you know it, you have a critical hit on your hands. A critical roll on your hands. That's right.

And you can post it anywhere. I don't know. Simple cast. What's the free music one? Soundcloud. Soundcloud. Libsyn, you said, Art19. There's dozens, dozens of options.

Yeah. And then once you put a couple episodes up, anybody can grab those episodes from their podcast app and you're off and running. Yeah. Then it's just promo, baby. And then comes the hard part. I spent the better part of our first year flyering. So basically outside of comedy clubs in New York City sort of handing out papers, URLs

that are nearly impossible to remember. We did cold email advertisers before we had anybody else before we were part of a network. We just like straight up emailed like Frank and Oak. Yeah. E-mailed. I remember. Just like cold emailing people. I had to get them on the line by ordering a shirt and then claiming that something was

definitely wrong with it. And it's like, now that I have you on the line, can I sell you a podcast ad? And it's like, you know, it's usually like customer support that they've outsourced to India. So like they weren't in any position to take it on. But I ended up selling this fucking guy on $500 worth of ads for his bicycle shop. So there's any way to get it done. Although this is a good point where you can plug Gumball, which is our podcast advertising

marketplace. Oh, that's right. So anybody that has a podcast, anyone that's already done all of these other steps can use gumball.fm to upload their show and list all of their open ad inventory. That's one of the things that we built because we're so fucking genius. And if you had, well, we didn't build it, but yeah, we worked with people that did. You didn't do anything. It was our idea to have people.

It wasn't. It was our idea to hire people. It was our idea to hire people that had the idea to hire someone to build it is what I'm trying to say. And that takes fucking forethought, buddy. That's not easy. That actually is pretty smart to hire someone that has an idea that hires somebody that actually does some shit.

Wow. Wow. What's a king to a god? What's a pod to a prince? And if you have something that you want to advertise on this show or really any head gun podcast, you can just, that URL is the same. It's just gumball.fm and you can buy podcast advertising as well. It works for websites.

Correct. So yeah, start it up. Let us know. I should say the one thing you need is podcast art 1400 by 1400 a square image that represents your podcast. Correct. That is also correct. Which we also keep threatening to update ours and have yet to do.

Right. It's time. Come on. What do you think? It was time years and years ago. We don't look like those tweenagers on the art anymore. Yeah. Actually, now that I, like, I feel like now that I grew my beard back, I might look more

like that dude than I did when he, when it was originally made. Oh, really? Shit. So maybe yours is the same and mine is different? You definitely look like that because you don't have, you don't have a beard in our podcast art. Yeah. And I have glasses.

Yeah. That does kind of look like you. We're going to take our Patreon art, which is relatively new. Yeah. Make it easy. Yeah. That's all we needed to do. But it'd be cool to have a new color.

I don't know if we can update the green to something. Hmm. That would be cool. We should definitely do this. We should definitely do this. There's no reason not to. Let's take a break. We'll thank some new sponsors.

We'll come up with new cover art. We'll upload it. We'll upload a full other episode and then we'll come back, answer more questions on the other side of this break. Bye. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake.

Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time.

Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes.

We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame.

This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant.

Yeah. She misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame.

Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app.

I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as

your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames.

There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A Frames.com.

Okay. Go get your parents something, all right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Thank you Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a

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And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lift to the fight. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Um, um, I don't think so. Do you? Here's a specific one.

So niche that I haven't even tried it yet. Oh. Wow. Yeah. Wow. But you want other people to follow it. Do as I say, not as I do. Right.

But I would do it if necessary, and I think this will help you out too. Maybe you can be the guinea pig and try it for me. Okay. So I got a TikTok tip, a tip from TikTok about how to make your smoothie bowls thicker. How specific is that? Yeah. Okay. So, you know, smoothies can come in all shapes and sizes, but like at a certain point it almost

becomes juice. You can't just pour it into a bowl and eat it like cereal. It needs to be a little thicker, almost like ice cream or something. Right. You want the thick smoothie. That's the goat smoothie. I prefer the smoothie, I prefer the smoothie from a bowl, not from a cup. Yeah.

And you don't want it to be like so thin you can drink from a straw. You want the smoothie bowl thick enough that you can eat with a spoon. Right. The ice cream smoothie. So the way this smoothie bowl specialist did it is she added rice cauliflower to the smoothie, which she says doesn't affect the taste, but only the texture. Interesting. And you get some cauliflower.

Yeah. So it's rice cauliflower. Could it, in theory, couldn't you just do regular cauliflower because the smoothie blends it up into rice anyway? That's a good question. Yeah. Or would it like liquefy more if it was a full stock versus like it's already been riced?

Does it need to be the rice? It's already riced. Is the rice right? I'm from the USA, but I'm using cauliflower rice. Rice. Do you have rice cauliflower? Do you use that? Is that in your repertoire as is?

Yeah. I fuck with rice cauliflower. I buy it frozen. I make a little stir fry with it. I like it a lot because I, I mean, I love rice, but really what I love about rice is its ability to soak up the soy. Nothing's better than soy rice. A soy riso.

So I mean, really, really what I like is soy sauce, I think. So you could put that on it on anything. You might as well put it on the cauliflower slightly healthy and put it on the rice. Okay. I'm wondering like, do you, the other thing that you could try is if your smoothies are too watery, just put less liquid in them. Cause that's what I do. I put frozen banana, frozen strawberry, frozen blueberries, a pinch of blackberries, and then

just, oh, and then a big old dollop of peanut butter. You want that PB. Yeah. And then you do just like a splash of milk. You know, you don't need to, you don't need to over milk the thing. You just under milk it. And then it's pretty thick. It's okay.

Cause you sent me a photo. This one doesn't look so thick. This one could be a little watery. Maybe you can thicken it up with some rice cauliflower. That one, that photo, I resent that. That photo that I sent you is quite thick. It's spilling. It's absolutely spilling over.

I mean, look at that. It looks like, it looks like strawberry milk. I'm sorry. It looks like you're, this is a quick ad, a quick ad with a strawberry bunny. This is not thick. And that's quite enough. It is thick. I need the magic spoon cereal.

It's absolutely submerging. It's fucking melting into the, the, the pink liquid. It's resting on, it's resting at top. I don't. It's resting at top. I, I resent the continuous of this conversation. I want you to stop it. I resent it.

I want you to shut up. Shut up. You'd rather, you want me to rice this thing. I want you to nick it in the rice. Try adding it. I don't know. Maybe it works. I'm going to try it myself.

I haven't done it yet. So I can't speak with authority, but it did seem smart. So you're getting the tip tops. Have you got, have you, did I tell you that I am off TikTok? What? Jesus Christ. Everything I get you onto, you end up either selling like a Nintendo switch or disconnecting because you become too, what, what was the problem with that?

Yeah. I sold my, I sold my water pick on Craigslist as well. No. Um, no, I, I, I found that I was, I was using TikTok a lot. Like the recommendation on, you know, if I'd like it was spot on, I did like it. I was not using it for good. I was not getting anything from it. It was like, I'm looking at it for like workout tips, but like the workouts on it are impossible

to, I can't like track them. I can't, it's not like anything that's usable. It's just jacked people doing stuff that I do all the time, but they're hotter than me already. So it's like, so it's getting you mad. Oh, you want, yeah. Do you want to shred abs? Do 35 seconds of high knees, 35 seconds of via, like that's what I do and I don't look

like that. So there's something else. Yeah. There's something else to this a hundred percent. You're not seeing what he does the other 23 hours of the day. All of these like tips and tricks that people show you in like 30 seconds, I feel like is a lifetime of effort towards being an expert and an influencer in this space. And it's gratifying to watch 30 seconds of it, but you can't actually live that life.

So I was getting like the endorphin dump, that like the little fire of happiness just by looking and I wasn't actually, it wasn't turning into anything actionable. So I deleted the app. And then I was also like, there were just like hot girls dancing and like shaking their butts and that would just like send me over the edge. You know, it's like, not good for my, you had to masturbate, regardless of where you were. You're like, this is too hot.

Oh my God. You want to subway? I'm going to know it. This guy just made a healthy banana bread and showed me his six pack and that girl just fucking twerked. Holy shit. That's all my TikTok was. And it was like the algorithm, it like, it pegged me, it thought that it had me too much,

so much to the point that it was only showing me the same exact thing over and over and over again. And I was going there like some kind of like rat in a maze that couldn't escaped, but still like seeing the jacked guys and the big butts. And I'm just like scrolling, scrolling, scrolling forever. And it did nothing. It did nothing for me at all, except make me want more and more and more. So I recognized the, you're describing every app, they're all sort of buying for your attention

in different unique ways. Right. But none of them, none of them got it that good and I think TikTok got it too good. So I had to get this. Dangerous. So without worth it, if something you get, you don't use it all, you give it away. And if you use it too much, you give it away. You need something that you use a healthy amount and then put away forever.

Otherwise it's not worth it. That's right. Okay. All right. Well, I guess I'll continue giving you my, the slight recommendations that I do get. Try rice cauliflower in your smoothie bowl. See what happens. I'm curious.

Yep. By the way, this is how I prefer to get recommendations. Like you get thrown into the TikTok vortex and then tell me what the deal is. Like if you, yeah, you just, you learn, you spread the knowledge. As Joey's grandma said, spread the faith. Keep the faith, Joey. Now, Joey, spread it. Okay.

Spread the faith. Spread the advice, actually. Let's see if we can answer some more questions. Okay. Here's one called, am I an alcoholic from a lady we'll call, you know, who's that famous female in the alcohol industry? Samantha Adams. Samantha Adams.

Sam Adams. Saddam. Sam. Saddam. Saddam. Right. Sam Adams is a Saddam. Saddam writes, I recently lost my job because of the coronavirus and I had to move back in

with my parents. I feel like I'm headed nowhere and I mostly spend my days looking at new jobs and this is embarrassing. Quilting. Oh. I also can't sleep because I'm worried about my future and what I'm going to do. I resorted to drinking to help me fall asleep. At first it was just one drink to relax before bed and now I'm getting buzzed every night.

Should I get help or is the kind of thing everyone secretly does? Well, I die at the ripe old age of 20 from liver damage. Thanks. Love. Zoinked in my parents' basement. Sam. Madams. First of all, I'm sorry that you lost your job.

That's rough. That you are not, you're definitely like self-medicating, but I don't think this borders on alcoholism at all. Like when you're feeling anxious, when you're feeling stressed and you find something that helps a little bit, it makes sense that you're going back. Maybe it's a slippery slope, but I also, it's not like you're getting trashed every single night. I also think that like spending your day looking for jobs and doing a very wholesome hobby

is not sad. That's good. You are looking for a job and found a way to pass your time that's not completely useless. So good on you. Yeah. It seems like during the day, it's fine. You're looking for jobs. You're being very responsible with your time.

You're doing something that's not staring at a screen like TikTok. Actually, there's a bunch of good quilting TikToks, if you should get into that. Quilting TikTok is, I know that there is quilting TikTok, but that's so fucking incongruous. Something that takes time and patience versus like 30 seconds, beautiful quilt. That's fucking, I hate the world. But I guess it all depends on the moderation. Are you having one drink, five nights a week? Are you having four drinks every night to fall asleep?

So it's all up to you. You know more than we do, but it's probably not the healthiest habit, I should say. Right. I mean, during the height of the pandemic, I feel like I was drinking not seven nights a week, but like definitely more nights a week than not drinking. But drinking to what extent? Just like one, like a beer and a whiskey maybe, like something to take the edge off. Yeah, that's probably fine.

It's probably fine, but it's not like, I think that if it's, it's definitely fine if that's what you like and that's what you want to do. But if it's like, I am doing this and I know that it's not what I want, but I need it to take the edge off, then maybe you do want to get away from it and find something else, like find another way to relax. Yeah, there's plenty of healthier sleep tips. Yeah, you found one thing that works, but it's not making you fully happy. So try, try a couple of different things.

And then the other alternative is to just like recognize that it's okay to like have a drink to unwind if, if that's what you're craving and just don't let it go further than you're comfortable with. But I think it's you're still, you're still in control here. I hope you better be. And if not two melatonin and five whiskey ginger ale's will fucking put a horse to sleep. Check out alcohol TikTok. There is cocktail TikTok, just different cool ways to make drinks and stuff.

There's probably also binge drinking TikTok. There's something out there for everybody. TikTok had my algorithm so wrong that it was like showing me like these really fucking foul, like popping videos, like pimple popping, but like not just pimple pop, like lancing shit, like that didn't make any sense. Like almost like mutilation videos. And, and it's like, I'm not, I don't like watching this. You keep on showing it to me and you think that I like it.

It was, you do like it. I remember back in the college humor offices, you would watch like fucking pop my zit.com lancing videos. Right. Those were fun. The caterpillar shit. Yeah. Was it different?

The TikTok algorithm knows you more than you know yourself is the problem. It's potentially. But didn't we talk, we talked about this once and you told me that I needed to like like more videos, right? Yeah. Like and communicate, comment, follow. I didn't like any of those videos. I started liking, uh, like stretching videos and I started liking lifting

videos and now my algorithm is all fucked. That's cool. It's crept into my Instagram. My Instagram fight for you page is just like fucking so many jacked dudes. Let me see what it shows me now that you have me. I guess I never thought about the algorithm for myself. It's just funny videos, but let's see what it's showing me because this will, this will sort of indicate who I am.

Baseball, um, naked guy who's sort of jacked and next to cars, stand up comedy. Okay. So far it's killing it. Jim Carrey giving a graduation speech. Awesome. The effects, a guy grabbing something and moving around and dropping his girlfriend on an airplane and stuff like that. Accent challenge.

Hot guy with a cat. Hot guy making food. A lot of jacked people, baking shit, prank videos, where a guy just runs into people in a, in a Walmart, hot guy making a steak video. Every eight videos is this is how to make the perfect steak. Have you seen this one? The guy just walks up to rich people's cars and say, what do you do for a living? And the guy, the people usually answer, I date rappers.

That's cool. She's driving like an $800,000 car. So yeah, solid living. I like hot people and steak, I guess. I never thought about it until TikTok sort of gave it to me like that. TikTok showed me as well, so many steaks and burgers. Like, I think you get it after two. You do not like, yes, you put a ball of cheese inside the burger.

Yeah, you put the, you put the steak in a cast iron to put the cast iron in the oven, very cool. Everything, everything looks easy because it all happens in 30 seconds. It's filmed nice. But when you do it yourself, it's not that clean. It's not that good. Everything's hard. The cheese in the burger, that's a classic tip.

I put a fucking stick of butter on top of a steak while it was in the pan. Yeah, I guess it does taste better. Yeah, you drenched it in butter, sir. I just don't want to eat that much butter is all. Yeah, and look at these rock hard abs because this is the only steak that with butter that I've had in three and a half months. Yeah, I can't do the cooking TikTok and also the shredded guy TikTok. I have to like do one or the other.

Yeah, I was for like my last day on TikTok, I had like, there was some sort of weird like workout TikTok where the guys would like list everything that they ate for an entire day. It's like 8 a.m. overnight oats. Yeah, exactly, nine eggs. The entire turkey breast. What the fuck do I care? It's better to just stare at the ceiling because like you're doing nothing

and you're not hurting your eyes. That like TikTok is doing nothing, but it hurts your eye a little bit. Yeah, it is. It is a lot of screen time. I was, I got my like screen time report the other day and I was like, you're down eight percent. It was 21 hours and like 20 minutes a day. And I'm like, holy shit, I am looking at my phone way too much.

Twenty one hours. That means last week I was staring at my phone for 22 hours a day. Like when you see it written like that, that's like such a fucking slap in the face. Holy shit. Twenty two hours a day. Let's let's look through our screen time right now. That's what I want to say. OK, mine is embarrassing because I watch full sporting events on there,

but that being said. Oh, I see. All right, well, let's let's say. OK, mine's actually really embarrassing. Have you ever like seen a tweet that's like, oh, my God, this is shameful. Forty eight minutes a day on Twitter. And then I'm like, Jesus Christ, that's embarrassing to you. That's nothing. How do I look at it?

Where is it? Oh, if you if you go to settings. Oh, yeah. And then screen time and we both asked, how do I do it at the same time? That's how often we're in there. Today, week. All right, we're going to go. Oh, geez, that is definitely pretty embarrassing. Yeah, mine, too. What's yours, though, first?

Let's go first, most most use app. What's your most used? Wait, where is it? Where is it? I'm I'm at screen time. Oh, app limits. No. Then you know, go to below that. It says see all activity. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Most used is Twitter. OK, wait, first, what's your daily average? A lot. But you have to understand that I'm watching two football games. So that's already six of this 30 hours. What is it? What's your what's your daily average? I'll lie to you and say four hours and then see how you react to that. That's higher than mine.

So yours is probably way higher than four hours. Mine is 30 hours and 34 minutes. Yeah, mine is eight hours and 59 minutes. That's not true. Oh, my God. All right, well, now let's go to understand that I'm like, I'm on Instagram a lot. So like that that kind of fucks it up.

Right. Go to go to go to all all apps. And then we'll see because you're you're watching you're watching the football games on like Chrome, so it'll you can deduct. Yeah, or this is also the election week. So like I'm just staring at my CNN New York Times, whatever the fuck. Right. So I'll go. My my most used this last week was Twitter, six hours, 23 minutes. Yeah, Twitter is 11 hours, 15 minutes.

All right, Instagram. What do you got? Three hours and eight minutes. Very close, two hours, 46 minutes. And then I have a poker app on here that I play with my friends. That's four hours, four hours right there, right then. So yeah, this is stop judging me so much, everyone. You're you're sort of pissing me off.

What about my Pornhub app 98 hours? See that you use your watch and Android on. So it's a completely different type of screen time. But I watch full porn events on there. Yeah, that's my Oculus, though. That's a completely different screen. Messages is up there. Messages. What's your messages?

Four hours and 38 minutes. Wow. I my most is Twitter by by a lot. Then it's Instagram. And then after that, they're all under two hours. I have Spectrum and poker on here, which is just, you know, news and playing cards with my friends. Though I have been inching very closely towards getting an iPad. So like if I'm playing poker on my iPad, is that considered screen time?

Like, do they communicate with the other person? Yeah, I guess I just use a dummy a dummy phone to use my apps on. I wonder, I wonder. I've never seen you so uncomfortable on this podcast is when you needed to share your screen. Yeah, I've also been lying by a lot. Like when I said eight hours and fifty nine, it was fifty nine hours and eight.

Oh, man. Well, good stuff. Yeah. No, I mean, this is all super healthy. And then it's like, all right, let me let me use my phone less. I'll watch TV more. Is that a different mentally or is it is all the same thing where it's like that's a screen? You're just changing one screen for another. No, I think I think that the TV is a healthier screen, honestly,

because there's a little less like manic behavior to it. Yeah, it's also definitely better for your posture, like staring at a TV ten feet away, then hunched over a phone. Another relic of my TikTok days was trying to get better posture, doing chest openers. Oh, that's good. Yeah, I need to do that. It's it's stuck a little bit, for sure. I'm like, I'm definitely hyper aware of like when I'm slouching now.

There's like almost like bras that you can wear, like a backpack that like opens your shoulders up. That was an early covid purchase for my ass. Oh, you got it. I had it. Yeah. You just wear it all day. I stopped wearing it, of course, because it's very uncomfortable. But I think it once you do wear it, you start to realize like how insanely bad your posture is.

Like it totally changes your body. And and then like when you're every time you want to like slouch, you like feel a pole and you're like, oh, wow. So kind of reminds you, I mean, my brief time wearing it has made me have better posture, even though now I don't wear it, because I'm just like thinking about my posture more. Yeah. No, that makes sense. Yeah, there's a time where I like catch myself in the mirror.

I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ, I'm a question mark of a man. Yeah, actually, let me check my slouching app. I've used it 19 hours this week. Let me just get some wild lines for when I'm editing this episode. What? What are you? Two hours and four minutes. What's yours? Oh, come on. Forty two minutes. What's yours? Well, I don't have that app.

I don't have that app. Let me just get that clean. I don't have Instagram. You know, you have your audio completely isolated. You don't need it cleaned. You can just stop. You can get these as pickups later, you coward. Twitter is 30 seconds. It says 30 seconds for Twitter. Twitter, I got down to 30 seconds.

All right, cool. That one's an hour, but that's New York Times. It's a charity app I use. My number one app is a charity app that I use to donate to charity a lot. All right, I think we're good. Yeah, I think I got it. Thank you. Yeah, you did. Right. Of course. All right, sweet. Thanks for listening for more content.

If you want to consume even more content on your phone or computer, you can check out our Patreon, patreon.com, slash J.A. Yes. What episodes? What episodes are we watching on this week's Patreon? What episodes are? Well, this comes out on Monday. So the last one we did was answering questions that from the podcast, a J&A, AMA,

and then the last one's episodes that we watched were crabs in real world audition. And coming up next week will be knives and profile pick, I want to say. That's right. So if you're curious, if you want to see some behind the scenes commentary on those, I guess, all time classics, check it out. Oh, yeah. I mean, they're all A's to A pluses for sure. Yeah, we do.

We do give letter grades and they're often A's to maybe. For we deserve them. The opening theme song, again, was that epic election theme song. And this closing one is a Cats in the Cradle cover. Let me see who wrote that. Ooh, I love that. Cats in the Cradle. Yeah, it's by Duffy Connorsman, who's Instagram, actually Duffy Connors. Instagram, Duffy Connors.

Mm, nice. Twitter, Duffy Connorsman. OK, so check them out. Use those apps even more and more. Please, somebody tell me out there you've beaten my eight hour and 59 minute record. Screenshot, screenshot, please. Send those screenshots. Make me feel better.

Please, I can't be the number one in the world. Not at this, not like this, not like now. And we'll be back, of course, on Monday. Thanks for listening, everybody. All right. Listen to thigh with you just the other day. They would be in Koi in their usual way. Through STDs to catch, Patreon's to pay.

Amir lent a butt chug while I was away. Jake was robot trippin' before I knew it with his nephew. Jake said, I need cash from you, dad. You know I need cash from you. The Jews with the Dragoon hank are comin' soon. A gameboy you can play all afternoon. I want that girl bad. I swear she's a 10.

She must be a dime piece then. You know she's a dime piece then. Amir called Jake just the other day. Jake said, thanks for the call, but what could a chipmunk say? He needed a way to give out chipmunk advice. The pinch said, hang it, you don't have to ask twice. Right now I gotta bounce and hit the gym. Email if I were you, show it gmail.com.

Turn down the podcast, mom. This is a headgum original.