If I Were You - 464: Rat Car

Episode Date: November 30, 2020

In this episode we discuss standing desks, messy homes, and sixth grade math lessons.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. If you just got dumped or kicked out of your band, or if you're having problems with your life plans, just email in and leave it in their capable hands. If I were you, if I were you, it's the greatest advice podcast hosted by these two dudes. So let it jake in the memories of your life, and they were surely free of strife. If I were you, yes, dude, you know it's true. If I were you. Oh, yeah. Nice. Very cool. That was an original. Whoa. It sounded good enough that I thought it was a cover-up, a cool song that I didn't know about yet. That's good. Not only is it an original, but it's original by somebody who's we've used their old band, the JJ Experience Song, back in episode 349.

Whoa, way back. But this time he's gone solo. We're talking about Joe Crow Audio. Joe Crow Audio. Very cool. Nicely done. He says it's an original theme song. It's upbeat, it's rocky, it's poppy, and for any listeners who have podcasts of their own, he's offering free professional podcast episode edits. And all you have to do is go to JoeCrowAudio.com slash podcast and send him a message. Damn, that's a sales pitch. I'm about to use that.

Yeah, he hasn't regretted it yet, but he's definitely in the early phase of like, I'm going to hustle and do work for people. And he hasn't regretted it yet, but maybe if he's editing 15 people's shitty podcasts for the next two months, he'll be like, what did I do? Well, he's got to make himself indispensable and then start charging, and then you start charging. Yeah, but I'm not about that. I'm not about eating shit. I'm not willing to put in the work. I want to secure that bag. Right, up front. So like, I want to walk in. I'm 22. You never heard me. Give me 150k today to do shit that I don't know how to do. Like, that's what I'm about. That is dumb and privileged at the same time. That is your shit, isn't it?

Yeah, and guess what? If you don't pay me, my parents will. Yeah, okay. There's that privilege coming back. I don't need the job. So far, nobody's paid me. For allowance. So far, I haven't gotten cash to do stuff, but my daddy or mommy would give me like 150 grand a year to try to hustle, to fucking scrape, because I went to the school of Hart Knox. No, you didn't. Right?

Well, I went to a private school. Right. Yeah, I went to a private school that my parents paid for. And then after that, it was all about going to the school for Hart Knox. Really? I've been rejected. No, I didn't get into college because my grades were bad. But I've been rejected from every job that I've ever applied for because I walk in there and it's like a dick swinging contest.

It's not a contest. I want to hunt the dick. If the other person's not participating, by the way. You're just swinging your dick, asking for $150,000 on day one for something that you specifically said you didn't know how to do. I'll figure it out if you pay me enough. And so far, nobody has. Yeah. But this guy, I kind of like the hustle that this guy's doing.

He's like, I'll do it for free for now and I'll like figure it out. And then like you said, what does it make myself indecisive or something? You have no work ethic or acumen. You're a bad business guy. I don't have a work ethic. I don't have a work ethic or a work moral. I'm completely antithetical to everything. I'm not the American dream.

I'm the American fucking nightmare. And if you don't hire me for $200,000, I'm going to stop this podcast. You have no moral compass at all. Yeah. I don't even have a moral protractor. I have a moral yardstick. And what the hell is that good for except for measuring my dick swinging contest? Measuring the contest, not the dick.

Not the dick. Because the ring has to be a certain size. Do you remember using compasses and protractors in school? Yeah, vaguely. I remember it was important for one reason. I don't remember why we had to draw perfect circles, but they seemed pretty dangerous. I remember using those in an art class. I don't think I ever got to the point where I was using like a protractor.

Wait, protractor is the one with like the needle in the pencil? The needle in the pencil is the compass. And then the protractor is like the semi-circle ruler. I remember that. I remember needing that for something. God damn. It'd be so cool to just go to myself in high school or middle school and just be like, Dude, you're good.

You know, don't even try. I know you're not going to anyway, but don't stress about it. That's what I want. Because I didn't stress about it anyway. I would stress about it. Yeah, it was stressful to be so bad at math as I was. I didn't get any better and I didn't apply myself and I didn't try. But, you know, it weighed on me to an extent.

Yeah, I wonder if there's a healthier or safer alternative to compasses. I bet like they don't let people, like nine-year-olds come into school anymore with a fucking knife. No, you don't need a compass. No, you trace the bottom of a Campbell soup can. And if it needs to be bigger, then you just trace the bottom of a bigger soup can. And if it needs to be big, you trace the bottom of a paint can. There's not any reason to have a compass. If you have a bunch of different sized cans, you can do a coffee can.

You could do a tiny little... The compass is a lot more precise than tracing a can. No, not if you have a refrigerator. It's specifically down to the inch. The cabinets have cupboards at home. You find this Nalgene right here. I could trace a circle that is that size. If I needed to do one smaller, I could trace a button.

You can fuck off with telling me I need a compass. Yeah. What if you need like a circle with like a radius of exactly one inch so that you can figure out what the area of that circle is, but your exact can is like two inches. Well, that would be too big. I think it can. I think I would use a thimble for something like that.

I'm saying... Oh, or a quarter. No, I'd use a quarter. I'd find a quarter and I would use that. That's perfect. A quarter is not perfect. Quarter is a lot smaller than what I'm describing. I'm describing a perfect circle with a diameter of two inches.

A diameter? Oh, wait. You said one inch. I said radius of an inch. Okay, fine. I'll use a half dollar. I will use a half dollar. And I've had enough of you asking.

That's enough. I see your wallet is filled with $2 bills and half dollars. I have a Buffalo nickel and a Sacajawea coin. You only have obscure cash. That's still worth what it's worth. It's like not anything special. Yeah, 1948 penny, which is old, but not good. So it's still worth a cent.

Yeah, maybe a little less because the back is so scratched off. You wouldn't really be able to pass this off as a true penny. Yeah. It's been a minute since it really worked. Since it came out the mint. Yeah, and you're sucking on it like it is a mint. It's really disgusting. It's not.

You're getting copper poisoning. Your teeth are turning gray. Your gums are turning green. You have gang gum. So it's like gang green, but it's in your gums specifically. Shout out to coppers, actually. The best club, the best clurb in downtown Dublin. Yeah.

They think they're still open or they sort of took their precautioner. It's like coppers doesn't give a shit about the rules and regulations. Let's find out. Copperface Jack, it is temporarily closed. Temporarily. It's going to come back. They can finally clean the floors after like a decade of sticky spilled drinks, semen everywhere.

They're like, let's finally turn on the lights in here and give this a hard scrubbing. That would be cool. It's going to take more than one pandemic for them to scrub copper jacks clean. But you better believe. One percentage of Dublin got coronavirus from one extra night at coppers. I mean, the entire thing was just a steamy, crowded. It's just that's cool. Yeah.

Yeah, I can only imagine. One person coughs in there and half the population of Ireland has coronavirus. As soon as I get my vaccine, I'm going to coppers. Even if they're closed still. I guess I would. No. No. No.

Yeah. You're going to wait till Ireland gets the vaccine. Well, wait till I don't. I will just wait till it's open. I don't know what I don't want to wait on Ireland. Well, I'm sure they'll probably do a better job than us. But I don't want to wait on that. As long as I have the vaccine and as long as coppers is open, I'll be there.

Yeah. Even if it's just to help clean the come off of the floor. I'll do it with a bucket and a mop. That's some wet. That's some wet. And you can pay me later. What? How?

I was saying, it's going to be interesting to see how other countries like these vaccines, they care about it on an American level. But what's going on in Spain? Are they using the same Pfizer vaccine that we might? Yeah. Are they developing their own shit? Because I don't want them to get our shit. I want their shit, but they don't deserve to get our shit.

That's kind of interesting. The British one, that one's ours. How does that work? If we have leftover, then they can have it. I guess we just... International level. Yeah. We have a ton of cash.

So we'll pay people cash to be here. Right? It seems like if another country just had more money than America, wouldn't Pfizer just be like, oh, sorry, we actually have to sell it to these guys? They're paying top dollar. Really? What are you? Trump said it would be free.

He said it would be free. That's exactly why we have to sell it to España. Yeah. And it has to travel there in a fucking refrigerated container of negative 70 Fahrenheit. Oops. I'll figure out the... I'll help them, because I know that's part of the issues that it's so hard to distribute, because it's got to be refrigerated.

But I can just drive around with my truck, and I have one of those old Styrofoam coolers from the Bodega for 4th of July. It's that close. I don't have the top to it, but you do chip ice. You don't have any. I can make some runs. Don't... Yeah.

Don't focus on logistics, because you're not smart enough to even, I guess. To do a barbecue. You definitely can't. You're not going to be in charge of distributing the vaccine. I don't have to be in charge of... I don't have to be in... You're misconstruing what I'm saying. I do not need to be in charge of the logistics.

I'd like to be consulted, and I'd like to be included. And if they want to make me the lead engineer when it comes to delivering the vaccine, and they want me to be in charge of the logistics, as you mentioned, which I'm not angling for, but I'm willing to throw my hat in the ring if they hear what I have to say, then I'd be down for the right amount of cash. Otherwise... Yeah. I don't need...

Otherwise what? They would use professionals that have dealt with this before. Yeah. Otherwise, they won't hire your dumb ass. Otherwise, they'll go through the... Good luck finding another cooler, because they don't sell the Bodega not during the summer. Okay? That's all I'll say.

That's all I'll say. Good luck finding another cooler. Good luck. Yeah. Actually, my friend does SysOps for Merisk, which is like an international shipping container service. Really? Yeah. Mini.

And so, she's like sort of angling for that lead. SysOps for Merisk. Every time I see it. Yeah. Every time I see it. Every time I see it, like a shipping container, I think of Merisk. The Merisk. You're gonna need to use Merisk.

Anyway. All right. This is a advice podcast after all. It's not just about exporting, importing, viral loads. It's about helping people out of their sticky, sticky, like the Florat Coppers situations. That's correct. Remember, I told you about my sticky situation. Oh, I told you about it on our Patreon.

My... The what? Oh, your car sort of breaking down. Yeah. And that's because a rodent chewed through a wire under your hood. Yes. That's right. Just thought I'd give you a quick little update.

It's not... I think I told you that it's not covered under my warranty. And then I also... It sounds like my insurance does cover it, but they don't do it in a timely fashion and they don't give me a rental car. So, I don't have rental car insurance. I don't understand where the money goes. Okay.

So, you pay for insurance, something happened to your car. Then you have to pay to fix that and then also pay for a rental car. Yeah. I have to pay the full... I mean, I have to pay the full deductible because it's going to be... It costs... Evidently, this wire just goes all throughout my car and they have to fix it. They have to rewire the entire thing.

So, it's going to take two weeks. No car. And did I mention that this... Whatever they started using... They started using the wire to make the wires. Apparently, Rodin's fucking love it because it's a soy-based material. So, I have to... Not only do I have to fix it, rent my own car, then next...

In two weeks when I get it back, I have to... Rodin proof my car so I can deal with Toyota's fucking wires that they developed, I guess, to be rat food. So, the wires are technically a slim gym that connects the front of your car to the back. What are you doing? And you have to replace that with metal or something that rats don't like to eat, are trained to eat. It's truly insane.

And then to rent a car, you just have to do that over Thanksgiving. You know the worst time to rent a car. So, you have to go to a rental car place that's busy and crowded. Pay top dollar for the next two weeks. $100, $200 a day in addition to everything. Yeah. I think I've decided to just not have a car. I'm not going to do the rental thing.

That's too much. It's rich too far. Yeah. That's asking a little bit too much. That's true. And then who's supposed to know all this stuff? To know what your insurance covers and whether the rats are biting through the soy bean wiring, is that stuff that you have to find out the hard way?

That is one of the weird things. Because to the person at Toyota and to my insurance guy, this was like nothing to them. She called me the Toyota person. And she's like, bad news, a rodent chewed through your wire harness. And I was like, what? She's like, it happens a lot. Well, no one told me. I could have fucking bought this spray for my engine earlier.

These LED sonic lights that you can put down there that annoy the rodent. I would have done this stuff in advance. Who's doing that? Because I would have liked to not have to deal with this. And then the insurance guy called me. He's like, yeah, so I heard a rodent chew through your wire harness. I'm like, yes. Isn't that insane?

Isn't that crazy? No, not for me. It's sort of par for the course. It's my job as a rodent wire harness trainer to sort of see this kind of stuff. Hey, Jake. How's it going? I'm the rat guy. Yeah.

If somebody told you a year ago, it's like, do you want to opt into the LED system so that when a rat chews through your soy wire, you'll be covered? Would you be like, I'm in? I would have opted in because I live in New York City where there's rats. There's just rats all over the place. So I would have seen this coming. If there was an insurance or a coverage that was like, do you want to protect yourself from rats chewing through your car?

I think I would have been like, that sounds like something that could happen. Or maybe I would be like, why would that happen? And then they would be like, well, we coat the wires in soy sauce. Yeah. Technically, it's a low main noodle that connects your carburetor to the back. What's that thing called? It's like the muffler. It's a type of warranty, like the chain, the block train, the air train or something.

I don't know. It's like a type of warranty. This covers the train. Block train? Block train. Yeah, block train technology. Yeah. We're not adults is the problem.

And when you tell an adult in your life, like your father or Jill's father, are they like, yeah, part of that? Are they like, that's a weird one even for me? Yeah. I don't know where to start. And I'm talking to the insurance guy. I'm talking to the Toyota person. And eventually at the end of the day, I call Jill and catch her up.

And she, let me see. She responds like, leave me alone. I'm with my family. You said you were on a come. Yeah. Her new boyfriend FaceTimed me. Yeah. Turns out he's a mechanic, so he sort of knows about this shit.

Power train. Does that sound familiar? Power train warranty. Oh yeah. Power train. For sure. Yeah. She just texted me like nine times in a row.

Like everything her dad is saying. Like insurance should cover it. Rats nesting under the hood. Progressives, online things as it covers it. If you have comprehensive insurance, what's your deductible? Like just all the answers, all of the words like just at the top of his head. Like I don't even know. I don't think I could have said any of those things when I found out.

She's like, oh, rodent you through your wire harness. I'm like, how did that happen? How much can I pay you to get rid of it? What do I do? You need the wire. Really? I'm scared of rats and mice. Is it a gerbil, man?

Yeah. No, I said it was a rat. You're not listening to me. I'll put a hamster wheel under the hood. Maybe that'll fit. Never mind. You shouldn't be driving. You should not be driving.

And then when you go to a car place, you know, they're experts and you're not. They'll tell you literally anything and you just have to nod stupidly. They can talk circles around me and I'll have to give them cash. Yeah. And they could be like, the muffler costs 400 or they could say it costs 800 or they could say it costs 1200. You just have to say, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. That's so much cost. Yeah, of course.

Well, all you can do though is like, the only thing that I did learn, I can never learn what things actually cost or what they do or what they are, but you can take the quote and show it to a bunch of other people. And that's, that's where they get cagey. That's where the prices start to come down. Like, all right, well, I don't want to fix that now. Can I like, I'm going to get some other quotes and be like, well, we could do this for this, you know. Well, don't talk to another expert because he'll tell you it's actually half that.

So who told you about the quote thing that sort of unravels our entire business model? Yeah, we really can't have you sharing our prices with anyone. And that's the beauty of a capitalist society with competition. Everybody is fighting to get to the lowest price and to land on a price that's good for the supplier and the demand. And then together you figure out the fair market value of this wires that's made out of rat food for them. Yeah. The real winner right here is the rat because they're just fucking, it's just rat food on every single street. They get under that hood.

It's like, hey, baby, that's soybean city. Good for you. Yeah. Every car is a Thanksgiving feast for a rat in its family in New York City. Oh, to be a rat. That's the best thing. A rat king, a smorgasbord. The best thing to do is to eventually die and come back as a rat in New York City.

You don't have to pay for jack shit. You just eat cars and old pizza boxes. I will feast, feast upon the city. All right, we do have some questions to answer. All right. Let's take a break right now and we'll come back and answer as many as humanly possible after these messages. Yeah. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast.

You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time.

Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes.

We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. Yeah.

This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it.

I was just being goofy a little bit. Like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant.

It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family

in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit AuraFrames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com.

And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply.

That's AuraFrames-A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist.

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That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we are back. Jake, do you have any? I don't, but I think you've just made a life improvement for yourself, haven't you? That's right. I'm currently standing up for maybe the first podcast we've ever recorded.

Wow. Wow. That's right. Do you prefer standing on the pod? Do you like this better? I think so. I think it keeps me like engaged and it doesn't hurt my back because I'm standing upright. When I'm sitting like invariably, I'm hunched over and eventually it starts to hurt.

So if I'm standing up, that's like I'm doing good posture wise and I feel more engaged. Yeah. Test it out. Try it out. I feel like a radio show with or a radio host with like a lot of energy. I'm like, I can't sit down. I just got to like stand up and talk and like sort of jog in place and it feels a little bit more active.

Yeah. It's pretty good. Unfortunately, putting my mic fully standing, I'm still, I have to lean over. You're hunched over. I have to hunch. Yeah. What is this in? What if you hold it and stand up with it?

Is the wire long enough to do that? Freddie Mercury style. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Oh, that's really cool. Now it's like, yeah. We will, we will podcast and like, yeah. So instead of rock and roll music, we're just sort of talking to nerds around the world.

Instead of like, yeah, like a beautiful sea of people all moved by my music. It's me alone in my parents' guest room. All right. And like a couple hundred people in Australia will download and listen to it later or something. That's tight. I mean, that is tight. Shout out to Australia. But yeah, I should, I probably should have done this earlier, but I'm glad I finally

got it done. The, it's the electric standing desk too. So you see how it's like lowering right now? Yeah. And that's like, okay, now we can go up. And what about your, like when you, when you're in your chair, is your chair a drafting height or is it like a regular table height chair? Is it a stool?

It can go up and down. So I, I can, yeah, I can, I can sit in this stool-ish chair and sort of stay at this table or I could just stand and so far I've been standing more than sitting. Damn. That is very nice. Try it out. Test it out. It might be for you.

A lot of people dislike standing desks. I think it's a, a farce, a hoax, an actual witch hoax actually. Yeah. I, I kind of prefer to sit. I like, I like sitting, but I often, in the last two offices we've had, I've had a standing desk. I just mostly brought it to school height and sat down. Yeah.

Well, it's, it's not the sitting or standing that I just like, it's the, it's the posture that I had when I was sitting. It never felt like I was fully upright. Sometimes I would remind myself to sit up, stand up straight or sit up straight, but when I'm standing it just, it's naturally like that. You, I think you have better standing posture than I do. Like when I, when I found myself standing at the standing desk, I would constantly just like lean both elbows onto my desk and like find a way to hunch from standing.

Yeah. Right. But I guess at the office you're there for like eight hours straight and at home it's like, all right, you record a little, you go to the kitchen, you come back, you work a little, you leave. So it's never just like confined like an actual office. That's true. Let me ask you this.

Did you get the, did you get the floor mat, the cushion? No. I'm actually on a carpet naturally. So, so far I haven't had to have like extra padding, but yeah, I understand for your feet you're going to need like an extra layer, right? And when you walk about your house, do you have a, is there a slipper action or you go barefoot, you socks? Socks if it's chilly, like now it's a little cold, but usually barefoot.

Yeah. Wow. Wow. Yeah. You're crying. That's cool. That's really cool because you're fully cropped out, right? You need the rubber support.

Yeah. Well, you know what? I think I talked about this because I think it was, it might have been my other unsolicited at one point, but I upgraded my Crocs and Ufos to a more aesthetic slipper and a sandal. Yeah. Well, it was still the support of a croc. Yes. I wear rubber Birkenstocks now.

They're, I don't think they're quite as supportive as Crocs, but they do fit my feet a little bit better. So my foot doesn't like, in Birkenstocks they have, sorry, in Crocs. This is, this is for my, this is the, this is the part of the podcast where people just tune out for five minutes while I talk about comfort footwear, but you're putting the pod back into podiatry, but yeah, Crocs have the, like the, the clog shape, you know? So your foot is a little too free inside that pocket. It comes, it can come off the shoe entirely if you're walking fast enough.

Yeah. Yeah. So my foot issues stem from not having, like not having the support directly under my feet. Like I don't want my, I don't want my foot bending too much. I don't want the metatarsal to be like, uh, fully, um, you know, engaged bent engaged. Yeah. So yeah. I wanted, I don't want to, it's unloading.

It's loading and unloading. And I just want it flat and the Birkenstocks keep my foot closer to the, to the foam and I like them a lot. That's good. Have you considered, you know, the, what did you have the rolling stool? That's the thing that you couldn't put anywhere. Yeah. The saddle chair, but like when you first broke your heel, you had one of those that was like

a knee scooter. Yeah. Knee scooter. Have you considered two electrical knee scooters that's sort of you ride around like a water skiing. Yeah. Yeah. So you're water skiing around the house, putting no pressure on your feet, but you're like,

yeah, it's not getting used to it in that regard. I haven't, I haven't thought about it, but it would be interesting. I think in my old place where when I first fucked up my foot, I used to live in like an open like studio. It was like a big loft and I didn't, I was like a minimalist. I had nothing. I didn't even have any rugs in that place. So my knee scooter was a dream in there.

It was like, I was like, I was in big or something, you know, just like skateboarding around my house. I would just go to the bathroom from my bed. I would just scoot all the way and like one push and it was awesome. And then when I got my surgery this year, Jill and I live in like us, like a one bedroom apartment and the rooms are smaller. So, so I was like, I couldn't have done a scooter in there. You know, there's too many doors.

You have to go in and out. Too many hallways. Tight turns. Yeah. So I don't think I would be able to do the two knee scooters here, but in my old place in a different life, I would definitely be into it. Yeah. That's cool.

If you get like a giant $10 million open floor plan, like the kind where the living room just opens up into the pool or something. Yeah. Oh my God. That'd be awesome. I have a ramp and I would scoot directly out onto the pool and go and launch myself into the pool. Yeah.

On the knee scooter. Yeah. That's dope. Yeah. I would do like knee scooter tricks. Okay. Oh, that's really cool. So like it's like a couch, but it's also a ramp.

Yeah. I would be the Bucky Lasik of knee scooters. Well, this is what I'm talking about, like all those TikTok influencers that live in that house, like in fucking Bel Air, like we should do that. Like we should either infiltrate it or like get down there somehow and like introduce ourselves as like the fun loving uncles and then we can sort of just like chill out with these hot 18 and 19-year-olds dancing for cash. Not the way you're talking about them.

We are. We cannot protect. We cannot infiltrate. We're not going to talk about infiltrating hot teenage. I'll delete this part of the pot. No. I'm out. Yeah.

So instead of like forming a boy band. I know. What is this? I swear LA. Stop pitching like that. Okay. Because you're in? Yes.

I'm getting out of my first flight since March. Just so you can visit Sway LA. Yes, dude. You're still on TikTok as much as you were before? Same amount? No. Less so. Yeah.

Less so. I've been posting less and just on the app less. It's sad really. Did you see Twitter is now starting to do like disposable tweets, everyone sort of trying their own little thing. Instagram's doing reels and Facebook's doing it too, I think. And now Snapchat's trying to do it. Instagram is ruthless.

It's absolutely ruthless. They're like Snapchat's coming. We'll do stories. We'll do reels. It's like you're just clearly copying your competition. I hate that it works very well. It is working. It's true.

All the apps are bad. They're all bad. My screen time is at an all time low. Really? You've been able to remove yourself from the screen more so than usual. Definitely since the election was called. I still look, but I think I was like, I had a sickness, like just look an unhealthy amount wanting to know what was like going on.

So I'm following that a lot less closely. And then deleting TikTok, looking at Instagram like once or twice a day. It's nice. I am spending a lot less time thinking about Trump. Like it used to be like all day, every day, he was in charge and I was like nervously checking to see what he said. Now it's all just like sort of the ramblings of the madman who's going to be not president anymore.

So that's nice. Yeah. Super fun. I'm going to say this even though I said I wasn't because I wanted to posture some positivity, but like I was a little worried he was going to steal the election. So I'm really glad that they started sort of finding the results and stuff. That was cool. Yeah.

You were like, I was borderline rooting for him to steal it. So like he could lose. Because it would have been so sane. But then I'll say, yeah. And then like all my friends were like, don't worry about it. It's not going to happen. Then I can sort of rub it in their faces too. Like, oh, really?

You didn't think it was going to happen? Well, it did. I was like jump lost and my fucking liberal ass friends lost. So like double fuck you to all those guys. So like I just want to see the world burn a little bit. Right. Yeah. Like I still don't want him.

That's why you voted for him in the first place. Well, I voted third party. So I voted for a third party, not a third party candidate, but having a third party. You know, like all the like dance parties at like the gas station, how you went to like the pool or like the park the day he lost. Right. Yeah. You want to do that.

Right. And then I went to another party the next day and then for the third party, I did something completely different. I went to Joe Jorgensen's headquarters and I started flying drones around there until they had me tased, arrested and disposed of. They threw me in a dumpster. It was bizarre behavior. I was erratic that week.

Oh, we got an interesting question about gross pandemic sex. Yeah. Okay. All right. Fine. Let's see. Let's show after all, let's try to at least help one person. We need a female name who's 32 years old, um, who's dealing with, let's call her Corona.

Corona. Corona. Yeah. That's a name, right? My Corona. Corinne. Yeah. My Corona writes.

Hi. I'm a 32 year old frow writing from an undisclosed location in Europe. Uh, I just want to get the uncouth part out of the way. I've been sleeping with someone I met on an app for the past couple months. Yes. During a pandemic. I feel guilty about it. Yes.

You can judge me, but are single people supposed to say, sell a bit until this shit is over on top of everything else? So while problematic, this isn't the problem I need help with. Wow. Got it. She's already telling us to back off. All right. There.

The problem is that this guy's house is a fucking mess repulsively. So he has shit all over his bedroom floor. He seems to use his bed as a dirty laundry basket and don't even get me started on the kitchen and bathroom. And he has only has only one fucking pillow on his bed. He's a single dude in his mid twenties. So I'm willing to overlook a bit of his mess, but this shit is next level gross to clarify. I don't want to date this guy, but I do want to keep sleeping with him because he's very

hot and very good at sex. But I also want to really want him to clean his room before I come over. Ideally get a second pillow in there. Is there any way I can make this happen without coming across like an overbearing psycho? I'm not his mother or potential girlfriend. So telling him to clean his room seems crazy, but is there any other way? P.S. my own bedroom shares a super thin wall with my roommate. So relocating to my apartment is not an option.

The pandemic means my roommate is always fucking home, which means I'm never fucking home. Thank you for your support. I think you must speak your truth. I think you got to hit him with this news. Really? So you have to say, hey, the sex is great, but your place is a fucking rat infested SUV. Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe there's a way to like ask these as questions, like, um, do you ever do your laundry or something when it's the last time you did like just next time my truth or dare, you just ask immediate questions. But I think you can also just come clean and be like, hey, I like sleeping with you, but this is nasty. I'm sorry. Whatever. Yeah.

Laundry on the bed. Unfolded wet laundry on the bed. It's definitely not. I feel like you could separate, separate these two things out. Like you could definitely ask him to get another pillow. That's, that's within your rights. If you're, if you're sleeping over there a lot, unless he gives you the pillow every time you sleep over it, because then it's like, you know, that's on him.

One pillow. That's, that's some really depressing shit right there. One pillow. Yeah. I think that you can also, if it helps, like think about this as, um, being beneficial to him as well. It's not like selfish to be like, this guy needs to clean his room so I can sleep better. It's like, this guy should clean his room for future relates relationships since you

don't want to date him. Like he'll find it easier to date if he's clean. Yeah. So you give him like tips on your way out. Yeah. Almost like, hey. Exit interview. Assistant.

Yeah. Or you can like almost like bluff a little bit, be like, hey, this is not working out for me. The sex is great, but your place is just too dirty. So I think I'm going to head out and then he could be like, no, wait, I'll clean for you. Or like, yeah, I know. That makes sense.

I haven't brushed my teeth for the weeks. Like it's pretty, pretty cool. You even come over at all. What if, first of all gross, what if you, what if you started inviting him over not to fuck, but just to be like, let's hang out at my place because it's like cleaner and I like being there better because I think it's your place. You don't even have to say your place is gross, but you can just be like, I want to hang out at my place because it's like really, it's like nice and neat.

It's like super. I'm weird like that. Yeah. I'm actually random. Invite him to your place, invite him to your place. You don't have to say why. You're just like, yeah, come to my place. He tries to make a move.

You're like, no, my roommate's home. We shouldn't have sex. And then he's like, why did you invite me over? He's like, oh, your place is gross. You know, and he'll be like, gross. I never thought of it like that. Is it the wet laundry or the fact that I don't really brush or pick up my after myself in the bathroom or kitchen?

Do you think the people that live a nasty lifestyle like are aware that it's nasty and they don't care or do they not think about it? Or they're like, they just don't place a value on being clean and they're like, it's fine. Or they think they're clean and like even their mess is not messy. I think it's the thing where you walk into a room and it's like you smell the smell. But if you've been in that room for 12 hours, you don't really smell it anymore. So you get used to a stink or you get used to an aesthetic or you get used to a mess where it doesn't like jar you because you're so used to seeing it.

Right. So I bet this guy's like, yeah, it's a little messy around here, but it's not that bad. But like, if you come from a clean place to his place, it's like, holy shit, startling, being able to like sit in the smell of your own fart. You're like, I'm not gross. This came from me. I don't know how bad it's going to be. But then like it was in my colon and now it's in my nose.

That's fine. A closed loop. Yeah, what if somebody else farted near me? That's disgusting. It's savage. It's gross. This person deserves to clean after himself. What if she starts cleaning?

I don't think that's fair. But you can I guess I did this with my college roommate. Like you don't have to actually clean, but you can tidy in a way that makes him aware that it's like not good for you. You know, like take take all of the laundry and be like, I don't want to sleep on all of your dirty clothes and just like put them in the corner. You don't have to you don't have to like do his laundry. You don't have to like clean or fold anything.

But if you just kick all of the mess from one spot to another to get it out of your way, that's like that's an indicator that he should clean. And also it's like kind of it's a it's a stopgap solution. Yeah, for now. But I guess the slippery slope there is if it's like, all right, you did that. Now it's like, all right, let me just also use this toilet brush and get rid of the grime around your toilet also. OK, there's some rust on your sink.

Actually, do you have any gloves? I brought Clorox, but I really shouldn't be inhaling this powder. You can offer if it's important to you, you can offer to help him clean to like give it a little reset and that'll probably take, you know, I bet it like took a couple of months for him to get it to this point. So maybe you do a little reset. You start fresh like, hey, let's do quarantine cleaning. Wouldn't that be a fun activity?

You get the part back to a hundo and then let it slowly decay over time. But maybe by then the vaccines out, you can go and date somebody else. Or what if you sort of like, see how much you can push him before he cleans the place? So like the place is fucking gross. But if you're like, hold on a second, I have to go to the bathroom. Actually, whatever, who gives a shit, right? I'm all for this mess.

And you just pop a squat near his bed and start taking a dump on the floor and be like, what? Who gives a shit about that? Am I right? You're going to be like, oh my God, that's awesome. Should we throw out your pillow? I don't even know. I don't even know why we need one. I don't mind sleeping on a mattress. One cold, flat pillow.

The worst pillow is not bad. It's not a bad idea. I could I could actually get behind that one. Yeah. So either clean up or push him into a mess so deep that he has to clean his way out of it. I like that. Or be willing to walk away, have an honest conversation with him. Be like, I would like to continue doing this, but you need to do this.

That is a pure heart rule. He'll make his decision accordingly. All right. One question. But you know what? We packed a lot into this episode. We we discussed the highs and lows of rats, standing desks and copper face. Actually answered. Yeah, stickiness, both the floors and the situation. But if you have your own questions or your own theme song,

send everything down to if I were you show at gmail.com. And if you want more of us talking to each other, we're watching our videos, our old Jake and Amir videos on our Patreon every week. That's right. Patreon.com slash J.A. And we're even doing video AMAs on there as well. Correct. Answering your holiday questions this month.

So check that out. The closing theme song is just the continuation. This guy, Joe Crow, so talented, sent us a two minute theme song. So we only play the first minute of it at the top. We're going to play the last minute of it as the closing. So thank you to Joe Crow. Thanks to you guys for listening. And as always, we'll be back next week.

Ciao, everybody. If you're fucking spotting makes you physically sick. Well, you can't decide if you should buy a water pick. But give you semi-pro advice to get you out of that sitch. And if it turns out that it was you who's the sleaze, then put you on blast and we'll be most displeased. But you don't care, cause you just wanted to seize the cheese.

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