If I Were You - 465: Physical Therapy (w/ Mystery Guest!)

Episode Date: December 7, 2020

In this episode we discuss turning 30, grandparent gifts, and Disney songs. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Hit Gum Original. That was really nice. A new take on an old classic. Yeah, thank you for that. That was a remix of a remix, so I said it, Stoney remixed it, and then this guy did a remake of the remix. Right. A PG version. This one, you can listen to it with the youngins, which is nice. Yeah, that's good. It's a tune that the kids deserve to hear, but the lyrics are lewd, inappropriate, sexually irresponsible, and charged.

The original one was about, I don't know if it's really not PG rated, but it is about Ben blowing you. What do you mean not PG related? Yeah, that's way beyond PG rated, for sure. Yeah, it's like PG-13 or some shit like that. No, PG-13 is like the hint of sex and a kiss with tongue or something. This was a fucking on-screen blowjob. This was NC-17 shit. We borderline made a snuff film.

Yeah, it's probably suggested our content, for sure. It should be removed from YouTube. You could say that in about half of our videos. Actually, I asked for it to be removed, and a lawyer from some viewer in Wisconsin, I guess representing a family of Christians, said that they had to keep it up for the time being that they were going to be using it against us in a court of law or some shit like that. I stopped paying attention. Wisconsin-Christianites? Yeah, I guess they were metanites.

He said that moved from Amish country, Pennsylvania, to Wisconsin, and they were going to sue us. And they're quite litigious, as they were. They combed through YouTube. Yeah, they were litigious and Presbyterian, they said. And so, for whatever reason, the video and the song had to stay up. Damn, they don't like electricity, but they love litigation. Yeah, so they'll go to court as long as it's daytime. On the day.

In the day. Yeah, he says, hello Amir, I hope your day is spectacular. Tariffs not only impose immense economic costs, but also fail to achieve their primary policy, aims and foster political dysfunction along the way. So, yeah, thanks for reading that, is what he said. What? Yeah, I guess he's anti-terror for something like that, and he wanted to get that message out there. So, he's kind of like a libertarian, you think? Yeah, he's kind of like a libertarian, meets Presbyterian, meets Librarian, meets Amish.

Metanites. Yes. Actually, hold on one second. Speaking of milk, man. How are we doing, guys? How are we feeling? Oh, my God. Welcome to the show, Ben. No way.

No way. It's not. It's way too early or late, I think. It's not, no way. Is it for Amir? Oh, my God, it's past. It's not. I'm going to kick him out.

I love you. Today, my Patrick away, away, away, away in a manger. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, I muted him, but that was... Moana. Yeah. I really got there late. Too interesting.

Oh, he unmuted. Okay, he unmuted. Yeah, that's okay. Splendid. Hey, guys. So good to be on the show. What a pleasure. What a joy.

Well, two interesting coincidences. One is we were... Somebody made a milkman theme song, and we were playing it, Ben, as you texted me asking to be invited to the room. That's not true. So it felt like... Yeah, it is true.

So it felt like I set it up cosmically, but it was just a weird coincidence. And the other weird coincidence... You texted me just moments ago about playing a video game maybe 20 minutes ago, and then you said I had to record this podcast. Yeah, but unrelated to the theme song. The theme song just happened to have been

about your character. And then secondly is, it is Patrick Castle's birthday soon. I know that because him and my mom share the same birthday, which is the day after Christmas. So that joke... 26th.

Yeah, that's right. So that joke also kind of worked. So two crazy things right off the bat. I'm gonna have to exit the podcast and come back in a cool tent. Is that cool? Yeah, sure. I mean, we didn't ask you to come...

Same length work? Yeah, same length of course. Same length, yeah. All right, he's gone. What? He's gone. He just left. That was so fast.

All right, let's try to answer some questions before... Exit the podcast. Come back in 10 minutes. He's just gonna come back in 10 minutes. Now we're inconveniencing him somehow. It's a good thing I was recording too. That could have all been lost. All right, anyway.

Focusing here. We have to answer some questions because I know when he comes back, he won't let us. So we gotta get them in now. Yeah, let's get into it. This is after all in device show. If I were you,

the only advice podcast on the web posted by us, I'm Amir. I am Jake. Let's see here. Recently writes a 22 year old man from Toronto. A 22 year old man from Toronto. We'll call him Pascalsiacum, who's a 20 something year old man from Toronto.

Recently I've been trying to decide between applying for physical therapy school or chiropractor school. I was wondering if the two of you could share your experiences and opinions on either of the two professionals. So I don't have much insight about chiropractors versus physical therapists,

but you've been to both, have you not? As well as acupuncturists. I've tried them all. I've tried them all. And then do you have high regards for one of the professions versus the other? You know, I guess maybe physical therapists over chiropractor,

but I have only, I basically have had two experiences with chiropractors, both of which where it feels like they're about to murder me. And like one of them, this dude like kind of set me up with like an electronic muscle relaxing machine and then left the room for 25 minutes. So it felt really weird to pay him $200

because he kind of just like put me on a machine and left, you know? For whatever reason, chiropractors seemingly have like a negative view in society. Like they almost are like half snake oil salesman. It's like used car salesman. There's some good ones, but then it's like you hear these horror stories about the others. Right, which like this is like,

I mean, it's kind of like any profession, really. Yeah, but for whatever, like you hear about chiropractors like, Oh, don't go to this chiropractor. He's actually like a quack or like it's not real or what he does isn't sanctioned or legal or good and some sort of official medical capacity. Right, because all their,

at least in my experience, all the chiropractor really did was like, give me a very, very satisfying like crack in my back. Yeah, which was nice. But like, yeah, you, Streeter can do that. Sometimes Streeter would do that at work. You have, you have a loved one walk across your back

and it's kind of the same thing. Yeah. But then I also know people that have like, that swear by a chiropractor that's like, yeah, they worked on me for six months and like made it so my pelvis is like, you know, a perpendicular now instead of like curved or whatever.

Yeah. So it's very hard to know who's actually doing a good job versus not. And it's such like a sensitive part of your body, your back. But I do think like, I think that all like alignment and all of that stuff comes down to like, core strength. And I think that building strength and muscle

is more about, it's more about the, like the physical therapy aspect than the chiropractor. The chiropractor feels like a quick fix. Like, can you snap my, your fingers and I'm better? And the physical therapist sounds like, teach me the exercises.

Teach me to fish. Yeah. It takes more work, but I think that physical therapy is the one that actually, it's the one that actually works. You can do all of it in tandem. If you're just talking about making yourself feel better, but this guy who's talking about which one do I do?

I think you want to do the tried and true method, the one where you can really make a difference over time, not snap somebody's neck like your James Bond and have them walk out and be like, I think I feel better. You know? Yeah. Like the public opinion of like chiropractors is like that it's a pseudoscience.

And physical therapy is like, oh, I got, I go to my doctor for physical therapy or like he prescribes me physical therapy. It seems like more science based and like professional athletes do physical therapy. You rarely hear about like LeBron James going to a chiropractor. I also, I think that like just in terms of

which job I'd rather have, it feels like meeting different people that have had different types of like injuries or things that they're coming back from, things that they're working on. It's interesting to be a physical therapist, like giving somebody an exercise regimen, like talking to them, getting to know them,

making it like, you know, very specific to the individual versus like, I feel like a chiropractor most of the time is like, my hip hurts, my ass hurts, my neck hurts. And you're just like, okay, let me massage this for like 10 minutes in a sweaty little room. It doesn't seem as cool.

Yeah. You don't want to tell people that you're a chiropractor in a sweaty room cracking backs. But you do want to say that I'm a physical therapist cracking wise. Physical therapy, I feel like I've been to and like big open gyms where they've got like the treadmills, they've got the tables,

they've got the weight station, they have a pool. It's a little more like sleek than the chiropractors offices I've been to have always been like in an industrial mall or like a basement or something. And they're tiny and weird. Yeah, like basketball players go to physical therapists

and like uncles go to chiropractors. Everybody's uncle has been to a chiropractor. Yeah, you should really, you should focus on basketball players, not uncles if you're talking about your career. Yeah, nobody who has a sibling who has a child would go to a fucking physical therapist. They're all about the chiropractors.

Like LeBron's not an uncle, you know what I mean? He's not an uncle to anyone. Is he not an uncle? Yeah, because he's an only child. And I don't know if Savannah has any siblings. Right, he could be an uncle. He could still be an uncle if Savannah has siblings. He's an uncle in like a cool way,

how like people like, yeah, call me uncle like to like Bronnie's friends, you know, like he's Uncle LeBron or Aunt like Savannah, you know, but like he's not an actual uncle like me. Oh, you're saying you got like one up on LeBron. I mean, I don't want to say one is better than the other. He's got rings, he's got the foundation,

the production company, the shoe, the jersey, the cash, the riches, the fame, the honor he's friends with Obama. But he's not an uncle. But he doesn't have a niece. He doesn't have a niece. He really doesn't have a niece. And you have fucking two.

I have three actually. Three. But you don't have a nephew. You know, I don't have a nephew. You don't have a nephew. Actually, yeah. You know who has a niece? You know who has a niece and a nephew?

Ben. Yeah. Oh, my God. No, no, no chance. Yeah. He's kidding me. Oh. He's playing copyrighted music.

His camera's off. Moana. I love this song. What, what a... Amir, shut the fuck up for one second. Let Jake hear it. What a huge nuisance this is. I really, I love the Moana soundtrack.

No video and just a copyrighted song that I could barely use. You're ruining this. Can't believe you just ruined it. Sorry, Jake. I had to. What do you want me to do? Play uncut Disney songs in the middle of the podcast?

You're sorry to Jake for that, for how I acted. It's been a long time since I heard the Moana soundtrack. It wasn't even a Moana. It's fine. I get it. It would have made you happy. It was a little joked up. It was making me happy.

I was very happy. Oh, man. Guys, fuck. Did you hear about FDR? What happened? Huh? Holy shit. That was 100 years ago.

Who gives a shit? No, my man. No, my man. I'm talking about Franklin Delano. A different guy. What's his last name? Delano. What's his last name?

Delano, what? Delano. Roosevelt. It's a full, full name. It's the same. Not quite. Definitely. And Delano.

Jake. Delano. God. Jake. God. What's his last name? Delano. Delanoar.

Jake. Delanoar. God. Jake got it because he listens. Moana. So this is a new guy named Franklin Delanoar. Roosevelt. And he just got polio.

Consider the coconut. Consider the coconut. What does that mean? Consider the tree. Oh, my man, Jake. How are you? Good to see you. You're back.

Good to see you too. Beautiful. I miss you. The hell is what's happening? This sucks. Is this Patreon or is this regular stuff? This is regular up tomorrow hardcore podcast action. But actually, that can be an idea.

You're not recording yourself, right? Yeah. We should put this behind a paywall. If we have Schwartz. Too late. If we have the Betty Schwartz. I'll play a bunch of my favorite Disney tracks. No.

No. We can't do that. We can't do that. Put it in the vault. Let's do it. It's even more illegal if we charge to peer the copyright music. If it's free, then maybe we can get away with it. But to say that we're putting Disney songs behind a paywall.

Yeah. Nice. What is that? What movie's from? Telston. What the fuck is this? Quiet. I can't hear the song.

That's fine. You're not supposed to be able to hear the song. You're talking over it. I can't listen. You can't play it. You can't hear the song. Here it comes. Here it comes.

I don't know this song. What is the fucking goof troupe or some shit? That's correct. It is the goof troupe. What the heck, you're an asshole. You knew it from the top. I love the goof troupe. I need the goof troupe.

It's a goofy troupe. Ben, we were talking about being an uncle. You have a niece and an nephew, right? How's that? I do. I am an uncle. I'm an uncle twice over. Is Amir an uncle once over because he only has three nieces?

Ben has three kids? No. My oldest brother has two and Ben has one. I don't think I've ever met your oldest brother. That's okay. Well, I've met all of Jake's siblings, right? That's fine. That's right.

Is it Sarah, Micah? Yep. Is that all? No. Then there's three others. Who you also met. Then there's Rachel. I don't know if you met Rachel.

There's Eliza. I believe you met Eliza. Oh, my God. All of your... Which reminds me of a song, but all of your... We cannot play a song. We cannot play a song. All of your...

The names that you named are from... The Bible. No, it's not from a musical. It's from the Bible. It's not... There's not a musical about the Bible. It's the actual... I can't hear it.

Definitely not from fucking Hamilton. Yeah. Micah is from Hamilton. Yeah. Who's Micah? They're all very... They're old names. Who's Hannah?

Who's Hannah and Hamilton? We're up to be a hero and a scholar. We can't do that. The Micah. Yep. Why can't I do that? Do what? You guys play music all the time.

Yeah, we have to like... You can do that. We play original music that like our fans make to intro and outro. I did. I changed the word to Micah. You're playing off your fucking iPad, a song that Disney owns. Disney owns all those songs. The goofy movie, the Hamilton.

Oh, it's not an iPad, Jakey. He knows it's not an iPad. Yeah. Does Ben have enormous hands that that look like an iPad? That's so funny, Jake. Not really. Ben's hands are so big that that was an iPad and it looked like a phone. You look great, by the way.

Stand up for me. You look fantastic. Really? Me? Yeah. Yeah, that's good. You look good. How could you tell?

He's wearing a sweatshirt. He's wearing a sweatshirt. He's not. It's not even a full turn. He's mic'd in. He's wearing a wire. I can't really turn. Exactly, right?

Yeah, you couldn't turn. Thanks. He couldn't turn. What did he do? I'm recording it because you sort of ambushed it. I am recording the video and the audio, but it'll only be released as an audio. The songs that you're playing, that'll be on the show. Unless we do something visual in which case we'll have to post this somewhere.

Okay. Yeah. What were we talking about? I'd love to be a part of the podcast for the last, how many seconds are there? There's 25 minutes. At least, yeah. I can give you a tight five, definitely. All right.

We were talking about being an uncle. Okay. Yeah, we'll take it. Yeah. How I was an uncle and LeBron James this and an uncle. Jake, do you have any, are you an uncle? No. I have no nieces or nephews.

Your family doesn't believe in children, right? My parents believed in them. They're six of them. Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah. Yeah. None of us can fucking get pregnant or late, I guess. Hell yeah, dude.

Why hell yeah? Why? It's nice. It's weird. It's invasive. What else? And Amir, what are you doing? I can't imagine you with kids.

Yeah, I'm playful with my nieces. They all seem to like me. I'm like a fun uncle. I come in. I make jokes. I laugh. I give them gifts. It's like a fun relationship.

Do you talk about your gambling thing? Or what do you talk about with them? Talk about my gambling? Well, gambling thing. I don't have a gambling thing. You have a gambling problem. You have a little bit of an issue. A little bit of an issue.

I don't have an issue. I don't have a problem. I talk about football and I try to pick their brains about which teams are going to win. But I don't think I have a problem or an issue. I talk about nieces about gambling. Yeah, that's you trying to, that's you trying to. Have you ever put money on the teams that they guess? Yeah.

Yes, I put it. So earlier today, one of my nieces said hammer the Vikings minus seven and a half. And I put her bermits for money on it and she lost. And so like that's cash that she won't get. She lost. You put up $314? No, no, no. I ended up giving her close to $2,500.

But that money's gone now because the Vikings didn't cover and she gets that. So like that's money that she owes me through my brother. So like it's money that I gave to her and she wanted to let it ride. I said I can double or nothing if the Vikings cover. They ended up kicking a field going over time. They didn't cover. They lost that money's mine. Now my brother is stonewalling me.

He'll pay pal me half because he feels bad for me, but he won't give me the other half because he says their teen year old girls can't gamble. And you're saying I have a gambling problem. He has a gambling problem. He has a gambling problem. He's raising a degenerate. He's not paying her debt. What's that?

Right. The problem is that she's not paying her debt. That's the problem. She's not paying her debt to me. Yes. The gambling problem. She's not paying the debt because the bookie doesn't think that I'm a 13 year old girl. He's not going to take it easy on me.

What shows you watching, Jake? I'm in the middle of the second season of Dark on Netflix. What's Dark? German. German like Dark by the name. It's like a thriller. Sure. Sci-fi thriller.

Sure. It's really good. Very good. One of the best shows I've ever seen. Well, you pitched it really well. Yeah. I apologize. Amir never asked me these kind of questions.

Amir doesn't ask anybody. He doesn't ask questions. Yes, I do. He asked me if the Vikings are going to cover. No, no, no. I talk about lots of stuff. All he does is talk about shows. Do you guys give yourself birthday gifts?

Do you give each other a birthday gift? We used to when we saw each other, not anymore. Yeah. So now without that, this isn't a bit. I'm going to ask Jake and I'm going to ask Amir. Jake, I don't even want a bit. I want a real one. Jake, truly what's the best birthday gift Amir has ever gotten you?

Don't lie. Actually, we talked about this recently. The most thoughtful gift he ever gave me was a really nice pen. Is that true? That's the most thoughtful one? I think it was really thoughtful. He really put himself up. And Amir, without doing a bit, what's your favorite gift that Jake ever gave you?

I took a flashlight out of his apartment once and he said, keep the change. What the fuck? I gave a real answer. He gave me a dusty-ass pocket pussy. And I had to pay for that and it was used. I had to wash it and I had to use it. And that was my fucking half-birthday gift that year. You didn't have to use it.

Yeah, you did not have to use it, by the way. Well, now we're Eskimo brothers. You get to use it. Best gift that he got me. God, what? You got me a big baller brand shirt where the bees were Bitcoin symbols. That was pretty thoughtful. I still wear that to sleep sometimes.

That's right. I like that. That's good. What else have you gotten me through the years? Running shorts once, I think. Through the year you never got to give. Just running shorts one time. You got me a Yankees t-shirt that said 27 rings.

That's got rings on it. That's what it was. Yeah, got rings. This is nice. Isn't this nice? Yeah. You're kind of putting us on the spot. Yeah, it's nice.

I'll pay money to the Patreon, right? This is not a Patreon. This is just a regular podcast episode. We might as well put this on the Patreon if Ben's on it. We should just... You can't do that. You can't just pivot like that. You cannot do that.

We can't just at the last second decide. I love that idea. I absolutely love that idea. Of course you love it because you have no fucking clue how this shit is run. You don't get anything. You just jump in. You're not recording yourself. And I have to pick up the pieces like a fucking cartoon Italian chef who's catching meatballs

out of the air. I'm the one who's going to have to edit this. What? I'm the one who's going to have to do the work. What's happening in this situation that is raining meatballs? You slam into the kitchen and the waiter's like, Oh shit. It blows up in the air, right?

And I'm like the fucking Italian chef who's trying to catch it all. The chef is trying to catch the meatballs or the waiter would be catching the meatballs. The meatballs are already prepared. So I'm holding two plates of spaghetti and I'm catching them before they hit the ground. Are there meatballs in it or just spaghetti? Then it makes no sense. No, my plates have spaghetti. He was carrying the meatballs.

So I catch them like, Oh my God, before they hit the ground, let me catch them in the plates of the spaghetti on it. Suddenly it's like, I didn't order spaghetti meatballs, but that's a good bonus now. Especially considering those meatballs. I just want to call and say congrats on your last episode. Of course. Thank you.

Which one? I'm psyched because everyone got this far ahead. What number is this? It feels like infinity. What number is this one? Yeah, 460 something. It does. Oh my God, what are we going to do with the 500?

What should we do? Yeah. Live show? Cancel it. Everybody would want that to be the last one, I think. I don't think so. 500? For it to be over?

Yeah, you got to concentrate on just Dungeons and Dragons thing anyway. I have to concentrate on it? I have to concentrate on it. Yes, we're putting more ad space behind it. It's the hit of the century. Yeah, but I'm not in charge of that shit. That has nothing to do with it. You could do more behind the scenes for it.

What if you got an iPod and did behind the scenes on it? Yeah. What are you talking about? If I got an iPod and did it behind the scenes on it. That means nothing. That's nothing. That's nonsense. What the hell are you talking about?

Azun then. Azun then. Whatever dude. Who cares? I'm having this conversation. This is old news. Just get Azun. Get to 500, get Azun and get the fuck out of here.

I need to concentrate on another D&D baby. Go for it. Thank you. Concentrate on it. Don't let me stop you and the fact that I get an iPod or Azun shouldn't bother you. It shouldn't affect anything. Azun. Okay.

Azun. Azun. Jesus Christ. Get Azun, man. Nice. That's not a phrase. That's not a thing. Get Azun, man.

No, that's not a thing. That's not a reference to anything. Get Azun, my man. That's not a thing. Hey, we didn't think our eyes. We can't use that. We can't use that. Why can't you?

People use it all the time. Full songs like that? Cool. Let me play other songs that you guys can tell me what movies they're from. All right, we got to take a break and then maybe you can do the music game during the intermission so that we don't air this part. But we'll be back on the other side of these messages. All right.

Bye, everybody. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah.

Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. You know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow.

We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So, there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool.

So, you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole.

This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. She misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh, my God.

Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement.

So, you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now, you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes.

It's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best-selling frames. There it is. Oh, wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So, don't wait.

Terms and conditions apply. That's AuraFrames. A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something, all right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura.

To the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable

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It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help.

And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. We then played 21 copywritten songs for us in full during the, okay, he's still going. Here we go. Nice.

Oh yeah, Bare Necessities, Jungle Book, Blue. That's very cool. Sort of a name that tune now. Yeah, that's good. Are you okay? Name the person who's going to sue us. Not really surprising. I'm coming on this show because a mirror wanted me to say that the show is ending after 500.

I didn't say that. No way. That was your idea. Awesome run. I was wondering what's going to happen on the next D&D. So this is going to kind of turn into like a talking D&D podcast. You know, like how they have those like talking walking dead and talking whatever. Yeah.

That's cool. Oh, this is going to be like a podcast about the Dungeons and Dragons podcast. We have the last Dungeons and Dragons podcast. The mirror is going to be hosting it. Jake will be there. But this way we won't have to do that. I think they already do that on their Patreon, I think. Yeah, we do that on our Patreon, but like we might as well have a, we could do one with

you and I. What about talking about the Patreons talking about the Dungeons and Dungeons and Dragons? That'd be perfect. So Mir would have to subscribe to my D&D Patreon. So you have to pay the money, Amir, to understand what you're about to talk about. And then I what? I recap their recap episode? No, that's such a waste of money.

I'll guest every once in a while. Oh, that'd be awesome. Every once in a while. You're not even on the show with me? No, Amir, this is yourself. Not if I... Ben said I have to come. And the name of it...

The name of the state kind of the same. It's going to be if I were a review of a Patreon D&D of a regular, not another D&D podcast podcast. That works? No, it doesn't. That was so long and meandering. Can you even repeat what you said? You said it works.

Yeah. Sure. If I were a recap of a Patreon D&D of a not another D&D podcast podcast, I'm an improviser. I try to remember the thing that everybody say. I remember what you said there's a, you got rings and it was a t-shirt that said got rings and then your gift Amir that you gave Jake really liked was a pen. That was pretty impressive and stuff like that. What was that?

Remember anything about me? When's my birthday? What month is my birthday? Your birthday? Amir. Anything about me. How old am I? Do you remember where he got his credenza?

Where did I get my credenza? I literally said the name of the store. Yep. Pure one. Oh my God. All right. Ben, we need a 30 year old man's name. And it's an ordinary...

Is it an ordinary name or no? Any... Yeah. Any name you want to give a person. Quick. Off the cuff. Chatter. Chatter.

C-H-A-D-D-E-R. Chatter. Cuzzleworth. C-U-Z-Z-L-E-W-O-R-T-H. Not required that you spell it. Well, just so you understand what I said, repeat it back to me. Chattle. Cuzzleworth.

Chatter. Cuzzleworth. Chazzle. You just said that you memorized everything. You said Chatter. Spelled it out and then less than 10 seconds later you forgot. Yeah. All right.

Here we go. Ready? It doesn't matter. That's... Yeah. One level two to be our guest. That's okay. All right.

Good job. That's awesome. Thank you for that. Did you mute him again? No, I didn't mute him. He just sort of... He felt bad. All right.

Ready? It's so bad. Yeah. Chatter. Cuzzleworth writes, I just turned 30 a couple days ago and it is quite a milestone. I've been thinking about trying to set self-improvement goals now that I'm as old as dirt. What goals did you guys set for yourself back then? If you set any goals at all, I'm thinking about stuff like learn a new language or start

investing portfolio. I don't know. Thanks, boys. Been tuning in since episode six. Wow. All right. That's cool. Advice for somebody who just turned 30s.

There's stuff that you did in your 30s that you didn't do in your 20s. Yeah. Yeah. So I remember when I turned 30, we were in the middle of filming the Jake and Amir pilot, which Ben was kind of enough to guest star in. Wow. I also launched head gum that week and Jillian moved from New York to Los Angeles. So I had a major milestone of the 30th birthday.

Wow. My long distance girlfriend moved to Los Angeles, shot a pilot and started our podcast network. Jesus. And that was all at the same time. Were those all goals that you put to yourself or they just happened to all happen right when you turned 30? Those were all goals. I achieved all the goals.

If you haven't, if you are not achieving four or more goals on your 30th birthday, then you fucked up. No. Four or more goal. What a weird. Yeah. Arbitrary. Four.

If you're not achieving four goals on your birthday. No, no, no. Four more. Can I answer that question with a question? Sure. What's this? What's this? What's this?

What's this? This white thing's in the air. What's this? I can't believe my eyes. It must be dreamy. Wake up, Jack. This isn't fair. Wake up, Jack.

It's a nightmare before Christmas? That's correct. I'm going to answer any question you guys asked me with a Disney song. Yeah, it seems like they're going to be unrelated. That's not bad. Don't ask me a question. Don't think you're... We did.

It says, what goals should I accomplish now that I'm turning 30? And then you played, what's this? What's this? There's magic everywhere. That was him asking to repeat the question. Okay. That was him asking to repeat the question. All right.

Sure. I've been thinking about self-improvement goals. So what are the goals? Now that he's turning 30. What should he do? That someone should have... What are the goals that someone should have? Yeah.

And don't think of it as... Yeah. It's never going to be the lyrics of a song. It could be like, what happened when you... Do you have any stories about you turning 30? Any anecdotes about you turning 30? What happened when you turned 30? Did you do anything specific?

All right. He muted himself. He's muted himself and he's looking for a song. Of course. I'll answer. Let me answer. Because I feel bad about saying that you had to have four more goals. You don't.

All of my goals were an accident. I do think that when you're 30, it's a good time to start thinking about... I feel like 20, I just like pissed away everything. You know, I never tried to save any money. Yeah. So I think when I was 30, I started trying to save money for the first time. So you try doing that. That's pretty good.

Yeah. Investing. And it's easier to invest now than it was when we were turning 30. Because there's like apps dedicated to just like storing a few dollars away every other week. And then seeing it add up and putting it in mutual funds, cryptocurrency, whatever the fuck. I think also you have to think about, even when you're 30, that life is kind of repeating. It's born anew. And when you really think about it, it's kind of like circular.

It's kind of like... Right guys? What do you mean? Yeah. What do you mean by that? I didn't think about it like that. I want to know what you mean. What do I mean?

What do you mean? Because he asked for advice about what he should do when he turns 30 and you played circle of life and you acted like you had fucking hit a home run. So explain yourself. Yeah. What do you mean that life is a circle for him? What are you talking about? I just explained.

You know you didn't. You said it's kind of like a circle. So what else is up with you guys? What? What the hell? What else is up? You bumrushed this episode. You've played copyrighted music over every answer.

You didn't even ask us what was up with us originally and you said, So what else is up with you guys? So what else is up with us? I guess what else is up with us is that we have to record the rest of the show. That's what else is up with us. Can I be honest? It seems like you're... You're fucking what?

It seems like you're a little sour and you could use something. I don't... Yeah. Yeah, I can use something. I can use anything. Yeah. A song, of course. All right, this is pretty good.

Oh, he's getting into it, actually. Who knew he was a poppin set? You can't dab to Mary Poppins. We just had to play his tune. We're back, baby. I didn't fucking know Mary Poppins was Disney. Yes. Hey, do you remember when you came to me in full confidence saying that you wanted to leave a mirror

for a better partner? And it was like 10 years ago. Yeah. And you said, if I don't do it now, I'm worried that I'm going to be trapped in the same podcast for the rest of my goddamn life. And you said, if it ever gets to 500, remind me to cancel this shit. I remember... Do you remember that for real?

Yeah, I do remember that. And I remember you said, don't tie your cart to that horse. Yes, I said a dead horse. I said, don't tie your cart to a dead horse or else you're going to have to pull it. So two metaphors. You mix them up. Yeah. You mix them up.

You said... Two different metaphors. Don't beat a dead horse. No. And don't put a cart before the horse. No. Don't tie your cart to a dead horse. Because then you've got to pull both the cart and the horse.

And that's what I've been doing for a decade, it feels. And so tell people right now what you told me. Yeah, that you just did. You just said, remember what I said to you in confidence. We're recording this whole thing. Amir, what are you going to do? I don't know because this is all fucking news to me. You're an agent of chaos.

You came on the show. You not only ruined this episode, but you stopped the fucking partnership. We'll be the last episode of this podcast as you know it. What's the most fucked up about all this is that Ben doesn't seem phased at all. It's the right decision. I can't believe it took so long. Can I be honest? What's up, Ben?

Yeah. Can I be absolutely honest? Is it another song? Say whatever you need to say. You know what this is going to open up for you, Jake? What? Amir is like the Jafar. I had to kick him out. I had to kick him out. Did you kick Ben out?

I think hell bent on us never getting to that last question. Like it was deep in his resolve. I had to use the nuclear option. I had to I had to say remove Ben from the zoom. Wow, he's gotten too much. Yeah, it's over now. I don't know what to tell you. He hasn't texted me yet, but he's not gonna be like happy about how that went down. I don't think sorry about that. Yeah, I feel weird. I feel weird. Of course you should. Of course you should. Yeah, I feel like Discord was sewn. I don't know if I should take any blame for it, but you were so easily swayed the way he came in and then like No, I and I need this show. I need this podcast. Now you say that you acted completely differently when he was here. I think

I'm sorry. Yeah, he came back. I'd probably yeah, you would probably back in a zip to the other side again That's really honest of you. I fucked up. Yeah, I think for you. I should see someone so I because my self-worth is Tried with being in complete agreement to whoever mirrors to me at the moment, right? And I don't know why I don't know why I was Ben and not me for that for that few like 20-minute chunk that he's sort of hijacked the show Totally, I don't know why I don't know what happened But now I'm sort of back in reality and I need this show Alright, let's try to answer one last question in case like the die-hard strike. Hey, you guys didn't get to more than one question. Oh Right

21-year-old girl from Kansas who we'll call Dorothy because she is in Kansas anymore Dorothy writes each year for Christmas. My grandma sends me and my siblings each a check for a hundred dollars as our gift since she lives in Arizona And we don't typically do the holidays with her This has worked out for me while I've been in college because I typically don't work the months that we are on break from school this year However, she has decided that she really does not want to do checks and she wants to do gifts My mom has asked tried to tell her that we don't really want presents, but she doesn't sound happy I know we are lucky to get anything at all from her

But I really do not need or want anything this year besides cash as I will not be working for two months due to my College combining with all the breaks into winter break for COVID Is there any way for me to not be a bitch while I ask for that sweet sweet dough? Or do I stay quiet and hope there's a gift receipt that I can return for some grocery money? Thanks for your help love Dorothy Yes, stay quiet you she needs that cash No, you don't yeah, I need I need the gift card. Oh, that's good answer a gift card

You need sure You need to be a good person of your grandmother, okay? And there's nothing to have a lot of time left and there's nothing more good than saying, you know it get me an Amazon gift card I'm winking no, and then there's nothing that's really perfect when it comes to grandparents. It's really it's just whatever they want Whatever they want actually that is it okay me this no old ladies fucking email because I bet I can be like I'm your long-lost whatever the fuck and then suddenly I'm getting cash from her I'm getting the gifts and I'm flipping them for even for a bigger profit Like if it's like a still in the box you ask for like a basketball card

And she doesn't know what it's worth and then you wait for a few weeks and then you flip the shit Do you see how much you sound like a mere Blumenfeld here? And that's exactly why you need to not not go down this path by the way Ben Emailed me and asked me to play this for you guys. Oh Yeah, pretty cool not really that's about me actually I think it's about me and Ben That's awesome So I actually I guess I do quit that's it a one MP3 or a YouTube link Yeah, that's awesome

Really you got a friend of me. Yeah, you got a friend of me Ben Yeah, you got a friend in me and then to me. It's you got a friend of me. Yeah, cuz he is a friend Yeah, you've got a friend of me All right, I guess you can't ask your grandma for cash You have to accept whatever gift she gives you tis this season yada yada But no one's gonna stop you for a good gift horse in the mouth. That's right You can sell that fucking gift She doesn't need to know even if it's a personalized quilt that she made you throw that shit on fucking Etsy and flip it for cash

There's a way to get cash for goods. Don't worry about that. All right. That's it. That's our time Is there anything we didn't get to unsolicited we can just go through it. I don't have anything pressing did you No, neither did I know all right for more if I were you for more content You can always check out our patreon, which is patreon.com slash ja That opening theme song was written by a tariff guy. Remember tariff guy the guy who did the milk milk man video that seemed to summon Ben to begin with and then This closing song is a Lil Wayne parody. Yeah, okay

By Nabil Ashraf. All right, very cool Yeah, he says love you guys love the show cease the cheese and enjoy this fire intro. All right toda to you Thanks, Nabil. Thanks to you guys for listening Oh, yeah, the email address if you have your own questions or theme songs is if I read show at gmail.com We'll be back next week. Stay home. Stay healthy. Most of all stay safe. Bye everybody Like you got a friend of me. Yeah Life too tough and you don't know what to do Oh

You don't have a clue what you need to do That That was a hit gum original