If I Were You - 466: Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel

Episode Date: December 14, 2020

In this special Hanukkah episode of our show, we are joined by an old friend to discuss wine, the holidays, and of course: Stickers.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. If I were, if I were you, taken up here are two courtiers, answering questions and winning turkeys. They'll make fun of you. And if I show, why not show on the Head Gum Network? If I were, if I were, if I were you, show at gmail.com. Send your questions and queries and quotes over to Jake and Amir. Okay. Yeah. Now that was joyous. That was joyful, right? Wasn't it? Why don't you say now like Hanukkah songs aren't like, see, you already come in here

with that like attitude of like Christmas is greater than or equal to Hanukkah, which is going on right now. So like, don't say now, see now that was joyful. Yeah. No, Hanukkah is fine. I like Hanukkah. I like it. Okay. But the war on Christmas rages on. It is not over as some people say. And I will not have it. I have to stand at the front lines of Christmas. Christmas, Christmas music rules. And I love, love that shit. This was it. This is a priceless tune. That was by Alyssa pronounced Alyssa. And my boyfriend Grant wrote this wonderful Christmasy intro song. We hope you like it. Please play it before or during Christmas or it won't

make any sense. I think it'd make sense year round. But I think that it's it's peak, you know, it's peak peak enjoyable now. So yeah, let me play. Hold on. I have a, a Mao's sewer parody for the Hanukkah lovers out there. There's, you know, there's no need. I feel like when you compare them, that's when Hanukkah really seems lesser than it's the lowest thing. Yeah. Of course it's a midi file. Yeah. It's just sort of a keyboard synth thing. Why do we even bother? Like we wouldn't even be thinking Christmas versus Hanukkah unless you did this.

All right. Tradled, tradeled, tradeled. Actually Hanukkah's one of the most fun Jewish holidays because there's no temple, there's no synagogue, there's minimal praying and the food is just anything oily. So it's like donuts and french fries. Yeah. No, there's nothing wrong with Hanukkah. Hanukkah's super solid. I like Hanukkah a lot. I mean, it doesn't touch Christmas. It doesn't hold a shameless to Christmas as it does, but you mean a shemash, forget it. It doesn't hold a shemash to Christmas. That's a funny shirt.

Thank you. So it's a shirt that only Jews would get, but no Jews would wear. So it's a very small Venn diagram that doesn't over out there. Us kids that got bar mitzvah but grew up Protestant leaning. Can I put you down for a medium ringer in a Christmas? Hanukkah is an oldest shemash to Christmas. A gilded raglan. How's that? A long sleeve. What's that called?

Three quarters length baseball. The baseball tee is back, baby. All right, recording this on the third ish night of Hanukkah. Releasing on the fifth fish night of Hanukkah. Have you had latkes? Have you have you imbibed in the oily treats? On the first night of Hanukkah, I ate, I think it was eight potato latkes and actually got pretty ill. Yeah, that's actually makes sense.

It's the equivalent of four baked potatoes that you ate deep fried. Yeah, absolutely overdid it. I think it was eight. It might have been nine. It was an insane amount. How big were they slathered with sour cream? They were as big as my hand. They were fist sized, maybe a little larger.

So like, basically, it was meant to have like two or three and you had two and three and three. And then I doubled that and had two more. I like three would have been a little indulgent. And I like, I didn't eat. I hadn't eaten that much that day and I just went fucking. I went and put these latkes. Did you eat anything else in addition to the latkes?

It was like just dinner, just potato pancakes. And then you called it a night. Everyone else ate other stuff. I the latkes were kind of like the festive like pre-dinner thing. And I ate so many that I couldn't eat dinner. Then I also couldn't eat dessert. And I had I was lying down on the floor for a little bit. Got it.

So the jelly doughnuts of it all. You never got to that. Never got that. No, there was like this. Yeah, there's like really amazing like baklava type thing that was round. And I had it last night. I ate it on the second night of holidays. That's when I found that I could eat again.

Yeah. Yeah. But but they were good. The latkes were really good. I love latkes. They're probably my favorite like festive food of anything. Yeah. I don't think there's a better one. Latkes are the goat. What about you?

Yeah. Yeah. I had some latkes. I had some soup. I had some jelly doughnuts. And then, you know, this is you got to pace yourself. You did it. You went too hard. This is night one of eight. It's over.

I mean, I'll have the night. I am obsessed with potatoes. I love potatoes. And I don't think there's a better starch out there. Yeah. Do you prefer latkes to like hash browns? Do you prefer latkes to like French fries? Oh, French fries are probably top tier.

Latkes are basically hash browns. So I think that I there's there's they're similar. I would I would put latkes above like home fries. Yeah, latkes like have the flour sponginess of it. It's almost like it's it's literally, like they say, a potato pancake. Yeah, and hash browns, I think it's just potato. Oh, interesting. I see. Yeah, I see. Yeah, I I love a lot.

Go you never put like just a egg on a lot in the morning. Yeah, that's what I had this morning. That's good shit. Yeah, good shit. You gave yourself a Hanukkah present. Did you are a vital exchange gifts? No, we didn't exchange gifts. But you know what? There's still six days left, so there's still time.

That's nice. I was thinking of getting you, you know, how you said your car was in the shop. Yeah, it's out of the shop now. It's fine. So don't I was thinking of getting you insurance. And this might have been overkill. It would have. But if it's a car related thing, a car expense, it's big and I don't want you to.

It's it's an Audi SUV. See, I got it as part of a Lexus December to remember sales event. Why did you get an Audi? Yeah, how did you get an Audi and a Lexus event? That's a thank you for asking. But yeah, thank you for asking. I ended up buying two Lexus

at the Lexus December to remember sales event, right? OK, yeah. And then I flipped one. I know I turned. You know how they lose their value. Yeah, not. Oh, yeah. It's called flipping them if it's a loss. So I turned two Lexuses into one Audi. And I was able to get a pretty big ribbon.

So if you look outside, I think you'll enjoy. And see, the problem with that is that it's like, I don't even think that's a selfless gift, because now it feels like I'm in your debt, right? You get me something that's like insanely expensive and then I owe you. And now how do you one of that? Yeah, exactly.

How do you make sure that the Audi pales in comparison to the gift you'll be giving me? Well, to start, I'm going to need three Lexuses because one of them shit the bed. You know how you said that the little rat or something a squirrel ate through the soy wire? Yeah, the soy wire. Yeah, yeah. So I ended up getting a car made out of entirely

that soy car. Yes, I got a I got a. This is a December to forget for you, I think. Sales event. Yeah. Yo, soy car. So I ended up getting a pepper owning for a Lexus and two Lexuses that I turned into an Audi that I shipped to you. It's all rat food at the end.

And yeah, the car shipping company hasn't returned any of my calls. It was just so you lost. I found you got me a car. You got rid of three cars, got me one car, got a big ribbon, lost it, I guess, in transit. Yeah. And now you expect me to give you. Three to four cars, right?

On the third night of Hanukkah, you gave to me for Audi's three Lexuses, two soy cars. And a Mazda shaped like a tree. The Mazda is basically like skinny at the top and fat towards the bottom. I'm not getting you any Mazda shaped like a tree. I mean, Jesus, you'd have like what, seven cars, more eight, nine cars? Yeah, something like that. All right, this is if I were you, an advice podcast.

After all, the only one on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. And we were busy in the holiday season. So unfortunately, we weren't able to find any questions this episode. Sadly, Womp Womp, 400 some odd episodes in. And yeah, I guess we don't really have any questions to answer. I mean, in theory, we could like play a game or something to. Oh, my God.

That's actually it's Game Santa Claus. So he's it's Game Boy, but he's sort of wearing a Santa hat. Oh, oh, oh. Nice. Yes. Someone say game. Yeah, in passing. You know what, never mind Game Boy, I already found a few good ones. No, OK, why don't you stick around? The name of the game is we have tens of thousands of questions in our Gmail account.

We're hoping to search, have a search query that yields just one result, one question, a question with a word so esoteric. It only exists once. Zero is a loss and two is a loss. We need a whole in one. So, Jake, do you want to search first for an email? What do we got cryogenic cryogenic cryogenic? It's pretty good cryogenic. Come on. Nothing.

Did you spell it right? C.R.Y.O. G.E.N.I.C. Let's try cryogenically A.L. Oh, like frozen. Yeah, that's that's my theory. Also not in there. There's just nobody's worried about freezing after they die. It's crazy. OK, fair. What about cryotherapy?

Nice. All right, let's try that. If we have any questions about that, pretty close, pretty close. It's three emails. One of them is just a business referral that we don't really need. So two emails, one about your foot and one about a car. A car almost ripped my leg off, but I'm still laughing. Let's read that one. Yeah, that's that's good. But it's doing great. Thanks for asking, everybody.

This is an email from September of 2016. Hmm. I must start by apologizing for having lived up in a cave up until three weeks ago and being distinguished and disgustingly sees the cheese ignorant. But thanks to Amir's Snapchat, all is right in the world. OK, it's actually pretty cool as a newer. It's a cool as a newer fan to see how much ass you've kicked in a few short years. So Major Toda, I'll cut to the point and not make this email epic.

I recently moved to LA and I'm venturing into comedy. Previously, I've worked as an artist and a professional runner for Nike. I thought I'd always be a runner, but that ended when I got hit by a car running and almost lost my leg. The doctors said I would never walk normally again, but I proved them wrong. Obviously not fast enough to make it a career. And the only reason I bore you with this backstory is to tell you I'm a hard worker, self motivated and I made the nurses laugh, perhaps with my warped

sense of sarcasm that could be used over there. I'm not sure if you had any positions open for an internship. I'm more than happy to meet for a coffee. Wow. So the question is, can I work at head gum? This is from when? Four years ago. Well, damn, yeah.

Good on us for for letting this one slip through the cracks. We have to you often hear about like the whole doctor said I'd never walk again. And they were wrong. What do I feel like doctors should stop guessing that unless they do it as a means of like fucking inspiring the patient, you know? Interesting. Yeah. Could it be like a like I'll show you attitude that they're trying to instill?

I would imagine it's more about tempering expectations. So you're like, yeah, you don't. I guess I just imagine that doctors are like constantly afraid of being sued. So if if they're like, you're not going to walk again and then you can walk, you're not going to be like, you were wrong, doctor, and I'm going to sue you. But if you're like, I think you have a chance. I think you're going to be able to walk and then you can't. And then you're like, why'd you get my hopes up?

Why'd you say I could walk and then I couldn't now you're sued? You know, like what's the most likely path to a suit? That's what I was thinking. They're trying to avoid that. Yeah, it's kind of like a covid test. Like false positives are fine because it's like you scared me, but at least I'm relieved now. But false negatives are bad.

We're like, all right, I'm relieved. I don't have covid, but then boo, I'm sick. I'm going to go. So they air. Yeah, they air on the other side. I hear false negatives are more likely than false positives because they don't want to give people the wrong impression in the positive way. Yeah. But you never hear about a doctor. Maybe because we don't hear about the ones that nailed it.

Like you're never walk again. I'm sorry. That's probably true. And I was right. Doctors said I would never walk again and they fucking nailed it. So big ups to you guys. You called it. How do you know you're a good doctor? Yeah, so maybe we only hear about the ones that were wrong

because that's like the better story. Anyway, should we email a girl and ask her if she still needs a job or? Hey, yeah, we might as well. You could get coffee with her, at least. Yeah, well, that might actually kill her again. Yeah, a virtual assume tea. Yeah, that's nice. We can't get coffee, but I'm down to get a zoom tea with you.

Hello. Where did you go? All right, here's here's my search query. All right. And it's going to be a good one, I assure you. It's going to be a word that's just in that sweet spot. OK. OK, I can't thank you. Cincinnati.

Hmm. There's going to be a lot. There's going to be a lot because I bet people from Ohio sign in their emails come to Cincinnati. That's that's what's up. OK. All right. There. Yeah, you're right. There's a lot. They're not a lot. Well, how much would you say is a lot?

I'd sound like you were about to say 30. Yeah, that's pretty close. Twenty four. Oh, all right. Yeah, that's I mean, that's kind of a lot. Yeah, it's twenty four. Twenty four over six years from Cincinnati. That makes sense. OK. Let's read this one called Coffee Shop Girl Might Date Me

from 2019, more recent. All right. I met this girl two years ago in class at the University of Cincinnati, Cincinnati. Nice. We got along pretty well and always I always had a crush on her, but she had a boyfriend most of the time. Now she is single and works at a coffee shop I go to occasionally. We always chat a bit and catch up when I go in.

And today I went in for a coffee and we talked a bit more. And when I started leaving, she said, text me soon so we could hang out. But that but she said it not flirty at all. Like she didn't give me a flirty smile or sound excited about it when she said it. Now I'm extremely confused because she is the one who asked me to hang out, but she looked not too thrilled about it. Do girls ever ask you to hang out if they don't mean it? Is it possible that she was shy and didn't want to come off too strong?

So she pretended like it was a big deal. I think I'll ask her out. But please tell me what's in her head. P.S. I drove from Cincinnati to see your Chicago show. Oh, nice. I wonder if it was the guy in the lobster outfit. Yeah, yeah. He's the one who showed up at a fucking coffee shop in a lobster outfit. No, this guy is ostensibly dressed completely normal.

Is it possible that the girl? Should he read too much into the way she asked for his number? I feel like once you ask for the number, that's a good sign, regardless. He's I mean, definitely absolutely 100 percent overthinking this. I think you're you're in great shape, but I don't I wouldn't. I wouldn't talk yourself out of it based on her what her tone or her or the way her face looked when she asked you to hang out. Yeah, some people are just nervous to ask.

They try to act cool or it's like a defense mechanism. When you get nervous, you get serious or something like that. So it seems like he's on the right path. But if somebody asks you for your number and says, text me to hang out, you should definitely text to hang out. Yeah, yeah, just take their take them at their word, not at their face. Do you know what I mean? Not at their bird. That rhymes, but it made less sense.

Mine also didn't make sense. So that's what it didn't rhyme either. All right, I'm going to email this person and say, what's the follow up? What happened? Maybe he'll get back to us in this episode and we can get some resolution. And you should email that other girl and offer her a job. What if he says I texted her and she said, you actually believed me? I thought I said it in a pretty stern, serious way that gave off the vibe of

don't do this. What the hell is your problem? All right, let's take a break. Come back and we'll see if we can win the game. Oh, thank you. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow, that's correct.

I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon. These digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah, for me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting.

Yeah, my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen.

It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole.

This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma. She was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh, my God.

Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement.

So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Admit to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You deserve that.

You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEDGUM to get up to $30 off

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A-U-R-A Frames.com. OK, go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEDGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEDGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. Jake or the Game Boy, I guess. Do you guys have any? Oh, it's a letter to the fire. Mom, I'm coming. Gross.

No, but I do. But Jake does. Oh, OK. Game Boy said no. I've been getting in to wine recently. Really? A wine man. Yeah, I guess it's a it's a cool hobby to have, but kind of dangerous because it can get expensive and pricey.

But what's your what's your foyer into wine? Well, all right. It started with every it's a well-known fact about me that I don't know how to burp. So that's right. And I really love beer, but it was starting to get to the point where when I would have a beer, I'd basically be uncomfortable for like an hour afterwards. And I felt like it was just diminishing returns on that front. Like, even though I love beer, it was just not.

It wasn't always worth it. So now I'm having beer maybe once a week, and instead I'm enjoying a glass of red at the end of the day. Really? It's at the end of the day. Glass of red. What? So this is post dinner or with dinner? I guess it's at the end of my work day, pre dinner into dinner.

Like when dinner's almost ready, we'll open a bottle of wine, pour a glass as we plate everything, sit down. I finished my glass and I have then I have my meal. Yeah, that's pretty cool. That's pretty cool to have. Like, do you want a glass of wine? I got this really cool bottle. Oh, my God, we visited this vineyard and it was really good.

I had to have the bottle. You're going to love this bottle. It's a really good bottle of red. That genuinely is what's happening because Jill's we're living with Jill's parents. And Jill's dad knows a lot about wine and also like pulled out a bottle from like 1999 that they got at a vineyard in Italy. I was like, you have to try this and gave me something like it's awesome. I loved it.

And then he also gave me a bottle that they picked up at the store the other day. And I'm like, this is great, too. So I need to figure out how to I don't have a palette. Like I was nervous doing a taste test because I'm like, I want to like the one from 2000 in the vineyard, but I could easily just like the one from down the street. So, right? It's a little. And I wonder if there actually is a difference between the two. Like, is it all marketing thing?

I don't know. Because like when when it comes to beer, I do know what I like in beer. And like, I could I could look at a beer and be like, I will like that or I won't like that. You know, like, yeah, I taste a beer. I can kind of taste what I like and don't like about it. Same thing with whiskey. So I imagine it'll happen eventually with wine. But right now, all of the red wines, as long as they're like a couple

of the things that I like, tastes really good to me. I haven't like. You know, I couldn't differentiate really. What about white? I don't like the white wines. They don't do it for me. I like a rose. I like a skin.

White's not right. No, yeah. Yeah. No. And do the reds all taste the same to you or do they all taste good to you? But you can tell one is drier, one is sweeter, one is fruitier, etc. It's kind of like that. They all taste good to me. But then if somebody's like, that's a dry wine, I'll be like, oh, yeah.

Yeah, it is. And it's somebody's like, that's really fruity. I mean, oh, yeah, it is fruity. I can just taste whatever anyone tells me that the wine is. But I know that you're very agreeable to the point where people are telling you what you're drinking. That's a white wine. Oh, yeah.

Well, you're holding a beer. Yeah, I guess I am. You're just repeating whatever I say back at me. Yeah, the way I guess I am. You're an asshole. Yeah, I guess I am. Are you mocking me? Yeah, yeah, I'm mocking you.

All right. You think you're better than me? Yeah, yeah, I think I do, actually. I guess you don't like you. It's not about the bubbles to you. You just don't like the taste of alcohol, really. Yes, I don't like the taste of alcohol. I especially don't like the taste of beer.

Beer is like not only bitter, it's carbonated, which two things I don't like and it's alcoholic. So it's like it tastes like spoiled, bitter, bad tonic water to me. You learn to like whiskey a little bit. Like you like whiskey, don't you? Yeah, I did learn, I did grow into whiskey, but whiskey can be drank a little sweeter. So it's like, oh, this is nice.

It's a little sweeter, it's a little smokier, it's rarely bitter and you can drink it with things that make it even sweeter. Right, that's true. So wines, you don't think wine's in the card for you? Wine is doable because it kind of, there are wines that are like sweet. There's like, oh, it's like almost like grape juice

that went a little bit wrong. So like, it tastes better to me than beer, but not to the point where I'm like, I have to make an active effort to get into it because also, I've been told doesn't drink wine or beer very often either, so I'm not like gonna like force it and just drink by myself in the house.

There's just not alcohol really in the house. Yeah, there's no reason to have it, for me to have it. But then when I go to like big dinners, which haven't happened in a year and a half. That was cause you weren't getting invited to dinners before COVID, right? Yeah, oh yeah. And then the COVID thing for sure didn't help.

It didn't help me make my inroads back, repair those bombs. So 2020 was the year of me sort of repairing relationships during dinner, group dinners and stuff, but we haven't had any for a year. So I have to sort of take a knee on that effort. So what's your unsolicited advice? I guess I feel weird telling people to get into wine, but fuck it, try getting into wine.

It's a fun little hobby. It helps me unwind. And I think that it's, there's something that's a little more relaxing about it than like drinking a cocktail. It really, it's helping me unwind at the end of the day. Yeah. Are you also having a cocktail at the post dinner?

No, no, I only have like one glass of wine, like two times a week. I'm still, I don't really drink on a school night, but if I do, I'm not drinking beer anymore. I'm drinking wine. All right, keep us posted on your wine journey. I will. Do you have maybe a wine themed word

or I guess any word really? It's hard enough to play this game as is. Let's go with Tannins. Okay, do you know how to spell those? I think it's T-A-N-I-N-S. T-A-N-I-N-S? Yeah, isn't that a thing about wine? It looks like it's, there's two Ns, T-A-N-Ns.

With two Ns, yes. Oh yeah, three Ns, really. Either way, there is no. Really? Yeah, no Tannin. God, our fucking listeners are so uncultured. I mean, they don't know you're a whiny now. I'm a whino, let's go with Malbec.

Just the name of a wine. Oh, that's cool. My favorite one. It's an Argentine red. Would you believe there's no Malbec or Tannin related questions in our inbox? Okay, this is, let's... Riesling?

Let's go. Yeah, Riesling's not bad. I mean, I used to be really into, Riesling was like the first wine that I liked because it's just fruit, it's like, it's a white wine fruit juice. Yeah, there's none of this, none of this wine themed questions for us.

Okay, Sauvignon Blanc. No, it's not. We're not, you're naming more SOT-eric once. Try it. Sauvignon Blanc. I don't know how to spell that. Oh, it's not a correct. S-8. Yeah, no, no.

There's no Sauvignon Blanc. And no, do not try another wine-flavored one. We tried the Riesling, we tried Tannin's, it's not happening. Just try Pino, just try Pino, P-I-N-O-T. Cause that's kind of from a Jacob here, I think. Dude. Two emails, but basically just one question.

Whoa. What do you mean? One of them is a Warby Parker receipt that someone forwarded to us and the style was in Pino. And then the other one is a question in Pino. So we'll call this a victory. Yeah.

That's a fucking W, that's a W. Oh, that's a W, baby. It's a no-hitter, but it's not a perfect game. Do you know what I mean? It wasn't the true one result, but it basically was. Yeah, definitely. Okay, here's the question. Pretty much the night started out going really, really well.

I was gone off the Pino and generally having a good time. And I ended up meeting a really great group of people and was invited back to smoke a J. All this stuff that just can't happen anymore. It's beautiful to read about the Wobagon year of February of 2019. So everything so far is going great and I'm leading the conversation pretty much talking up

of my passion for design. And anyway, so we're all walking back to the room. The conversation ended up with one of the girls saying how it's great meeting someone with so much passion. And this is where things start going bad. For some reason, I responded, yeah, you know, I love passionate people too. It's like birds, all these birds,

and I just listen to them. And you know, somebody actually gave enough of a fuck to name them all. Thank God. This comment is met with a sudden silence in the room. As nobody thought it was funny yet. For some reason, the whole room stopped to listen and the owner of the house then proceeds to roast me

for the comment and makes everyone laugh at me. At this point, I realized how drunk I am and I was pretty much done for the rest of the night. So my question is, I'm probably gonna run into this group again at a party. Should I apologize or at least bring up the bird thing? It's been running through my head for the last week and the situation is honestly brutal.

I feel like I can never be friends with these people without bringing it up in some way. Thanks, love. We didn't even give this guy a name. I guess Larry Bird. I am almost positive that we answered this question. It did sound familiar. So there is a chance we already answered it.

Do you remember what we said? That's the thing that I cannot remember, but I remember very well. It's like birds. There's so many and somebody actually thought to name them all. Thank God. And then deafening silence and the host goes,

did you fucking hear what this loser said to try to impress this lady and everyone cracked up at him? With all this hindsight now, I almost think that he must have been in a kind of drunk and stupid state before he said this. There's no way that everything was perfect and then he said this.

He might've just thought that things were going well, said this, got made fun of, but before that people were sort of starting to be like, hey, what's up with this guy? He seems really trashed. He seems really trashed, you know? Yeah. Yeah, so I guess bring it up in a joking fashion,

but odds are they don't remember as scarring as you are. The person who was getting made fun of, it's much more emotionally deeply ingrained into their DNA now. For somebody else, it was just probably a passing moment. Yeah, it's like we make fun of everybody. Or you know, like, oh yeah, I get drunk and say stupid shit sometimes too.

So you can own, I really do think you can only make it worse by showing that you haven't been able to let it go. Especially a year and a half later. Show up to the next party dressed as a giant bird. Oh, come on, we were all thinking it. All right, I'm gonna search a Hanukkah themed word since it's Hanukkah time of year. I'm gonna go for dreidel.

How many dreidel themed questions? A hundred. Wow, wow, wow, wow. All right, this one is just like yours. Two search results. Whoa. One of them is just the word dreidel with a question mark. So barely counts.

And the other one was sent today. What? I think that's a win. That's a win. If we're playing bocce, Game Boy got the ball like right up near the ball, but now you're kissing the thing. You just edged me out. But it's still not a true, true one of one.

But yeah, that's pretty close. Today and one that just says dreidel. I mean, that's awesome. Who's a female Judah, a Judy the Maccabee writes. I work at an elementary school. Our music teacher is Jewish. And for part of her lesson, taught the class how to play dreidel.

And it was a lot of fun. I wanna play with my family, but none of us are Jewish. Is it okay for us to play? I didn't wanna ask the music teacher because I don't want to make our work relationship awkward. Please help. This lady, by the way, we're calling her Judy, but she has a more Jewish name than Judy.

So she can definitely get away with it. I am home. I see. Yeah. It's a little bit of an anti-Semitic. It's really anti-Semitic, I think. Yeah, for a Hasmonean to play dreidel. That's our game.

It's not cool. You know what the origin story of the dreidel is? It's like the Jews who were persecuted were praying in secrecy. And in order to make it seem like they weren't praying, they were playing a dreidel game when like the bad guys would come around and be like, look, those Jews are praying.

Oh no, never mind. They're just playing a game, which is like the opposite of what people do now. It's like, the teacher's coming. Quick, put away the dreidel. Let's pretend you're praying. They had to pretend they were playing dreidel. That's how fucked up things were back then.

But do you remember that rules of dreidel have you played dreidel in a while? I haven't played, well, there was a dreidel on the counter on the first night of Hanukkah. I spun it a couple times before I needed to lie down. And I remember there's four sides of the dreidel. You say that? And then four letters that indicate

what you get or lose. There is, yeah, of course, Gimel is everything. Gimel is good. Gimel is like, give me everything. None, that's the one that looks like a nose. You get none, so none is none. And then there are two others.

So every letter that's on the side of a dreidel is like an acronym for a great miracle happened there. Nesgadol, nun, gimel, hayasham, h, hey, shin is the last one. So if you get, there's different rules, really, but basically, one of the side says, give me all the gelt in the middle. One of the side says, add two of your gelt to the middle.

One says, give me half the pile. One says, do nothing at all. That's the rules of the dreidel game. What's the worst one, the gimme two one? Which one is that? That one's, the way I played it was shin, which is like, now I have to give two of mine to the fucking middle for the next guy to have.

That's the worst one. And you want the gelt. The gelter, the, the gelt, of course, is chocolate coins wrapped in metal to make it look like cash, which, yeah, so there's that. So you got the gelt, you got the dreidel. I think you can play the dreidel with your family. It's honestly, this is the first time I've heard of

Christians co-opting Jewish culture. Usually it's like Jews that eventually wear down and get a Christmas tree. So it's nice for a family with a Christmas tree to want to play dreidel games. That's considered a win for me. Have you gotten your Christmas tree yet? I haven't yet.

I figured I wouldn't get one cause I never have and I don't like Christmas and I don't want it in my house and I don't want to go outside and I don't want a tree in here and I don't want to celebrate Christmas. I don't want the gifts and I don't want to see it in my fucking line of sight. So I figured I wouldn't get a Christmas tree this year.

Did you get yours? I got one at home, yeah. I got one in my parents' house. Me and my brother cut our own and we decorated it. You should drag one to Joel's parents' house. Next time you come over for wine, you could be like, oh, I got you guys this eight foot Douglas fir.

It's a lot. I think I might just do the manger. I'll just set up the manger by the TV. Cause then it's small. I can do it myself, but it could fit in a small pack. Cause then it's the hay. It's the hay and it's the figurines. It's the hay, the figurine, the baby Jesus goes in the middle.

You set up the wise men or whatever you put, yeah. And would it kill you to put a wreath on the TV and some bells please. Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa. Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa. Pa, pa, pa, pa. Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa. Somebody hits you with a wine bottle

or a blindside to you. That was the game boy. He did it as a goof. Yeah, steal it, have it please. Enjoy the drill game. It's yours. Yeah, spin that top. Is that the only fun thing that Jewish people have?

God, that's a great question. Well, no, there's Purim. There's Purim, which is like Jewish Halloween. You're gonna get dressed up and go to carnivals and play games, that's pretty fun. Okay, like Grogger, is that with Purim, too? Is it a Grogger? Yeah, yeah, Grogger, yeah.

That's a little, yeah, you do like a little spiel, it's like a comedy skit, that's pretty good. It's not bad. There's a few secret holidays that involve siphoning power and money from people. That's fun for us. Oh, and then there's Simchis Torah. Did you know about that one where you sort of get drunk

and party with the Torah? That one's a good one. That's what we're doing when we're like sort of siphoning, like I said, stealing power slowly, but surely from the Christian community. There also aren't any other good like Christian holidays. It is only the two, right? It's Christmas versus Hanukkah.

It's not like everybody. No, there's Easter versus Passover. If you're a fan of Easter. Yeah, nobody likes Easter. I hope nobody likes either. Is Easter really good? Easter is just, I guess when you're a kid, you get like candy.

Yeah, the Easter bunny. The Easter bunny is fun. Yeah, getting a chocolate bunny. When you're an adult, Easter kind of turns into nothing. Well, I guess if you're an atheist like I am, Easter really is nothing. But it's hard because Easter is competing with Passover and with Passover,

it's like you don't get bread. It's like the holiday where you can't have stuff. And have a bitter herb. Yom Kippur is rude also. Just don't eat fast for a day. Fast and pray. Yom Kippur is the shin of Jewish holidays. You have to give for two days.

And then eventually it's supposed to be like, you know, you're atoning, you're doing deep introspection. It's very meditative. So it's good on a spiritual level. All right, speaking of games, do you have one last Game Boy question to search for? Let's go with Nalgene.

Nalgene, okay? Nalgene. It's type of bottle. That's what I'm drinking out of right now, okay? Ugh, ugh, ugh. We are getting so close. Two, two with Nalgene. Yes. Fuck, fuck.

Are they both, are they both like legit questions? One is them is pretty good. It's a Nalgene themed question. And you are back on the Nalgene kick, right? Yeah, I am back on the Nalgene kick. Huge fan of the Nalgene. I am a 21 year old college dropout male, of course. We'll call this guy Jake.

And I bought a Nalgene from REI and put a lot of stickers on it. After taking it to work, I began taking the stickers off of it. After I remove all the stickers, should I apply just one Nixon sticker? Ugh, warm regards, Jake. Hmm, interesting.

Do you put stickers on the gene? I don't put stickers on the gene. I don't think it's worth putting stickers on your Nalgene because you have to wash it. I feel like you put stickers on the gene and it's kind of just showing your cards that you don't wash it very well. You know what I'm saying?

Although you can wash the inside without getting the outside too wet, right? I guess so, but it's just like, I don't know. You might as well not. You might as well just... I haven't seen Nalgenes that are covered in stickers. That's like a thing, right? Yeah, it is, but it doesn't feel clean to me.

I don't like it. And I don't think one sticker, I do think if you're gonna like cover in stickers or no stickers, don't do one sticker, especially not one that says Nixon, which I know is like a skate brand, I think, but like, you know, it still could send the wrong message. Have you ever done a sticker on either a Nalgene

or a computer, like, you know, like the one sticker on the back where the Apple logo is? At my, I never did that, but I did at my file cabinet at the head gum office. I put, I started putting stickers on it. Yeah, it's good to have a place. It's good to have a place to put a sticker, but then yeah, you can go overboard.

People like cake their Nalgenes, cake their computers. And at a certain point it starts weighing down the machinery. Yeah, not a computer. I think that it is good to have a spot. I think the file cabinet's a good spot. I think maybe I also, I've also like once was in the habit of like putting them on like my inside dresser drawer. So you never really see them

except for when you're out of socks. That's kind of interesting. Yeah, that's it's a cute reminder that you have to do laundry. Yeah, if you can see the stickers, you've gone too far. But they also make Nalgenes in cooler colors now. So I think that you could do that instead of, instead of covering it in stickers.

How are you washing that Nalgene? Is it every day? No, I don't wash it. I really don't wash it at all. Cause yeah, you're constantly drinking out of it. Are you sure there's nothing like? Yeah. Yeah.

Cause it's the only glass. I really, I rinse it a lot. I rinse it often. Yeah. I don't know that I've ever taken soap and sponge to this thing ever. Interesting. You think it's worth it?

Maybe once a year, do it on Christmas. Give it a deep scrub. Yeah, it's not a bad idea. That's not a bad idea at all. I'll think about that. I really will. Think about it. Just do it.

I'm going to take that under advisement. Why don't you just fucking do it? I'll take two seconds to do it. I'm going to sleep on it. You don't have to sleep on it. Do it. Wash the Nalgene. You don't have to sleep on it.

You don't have to take it under advisement. I have to sleep on it at Christmas. So I'm going to obviously have to sleep on it. I have to sleep on it. I'm just asking you to just really quick. Soap water, you give it a couple of pumps. It creates a froth.

You rinse that out. Then if there's anything in there, yeah, you don't. I might. Are you convinced? I might. I might. I might.

Just say you'll do it. It's honestly faster to do it than to think about doing it. I'm interested in it. You have my attention blooming felt. I see. It might happen. You invited me to a board called

inspo to get my Nalgene soapy. What is this? A pink hammock? How could this possibly spark? Holy shit. This whole thing is not only Nalgene, but Hygiene. This is crazy.

You're planning a fucking ceremony for this shit. Just wash your gene. Gene. So your final advice is to lot of stickers or no stickers at all. Yeah. Commit or don't. Stick or get stuck.

By the way, this message was sent 21 years ago. This person is dead. Of course. I will say that I love this question and I want more question. I want more shallow surface level questions like this directed at us.

So if anyone's listening that just has something that they feel like doesn't require us to discuss it on a podcast, think twice and try emailing it because I'd like to discuss it. That's good. Yeah. There's no, we often discuss bigger issues like the pandemic and quarantine and love.

They don't matter. They're too small. Sometimes it's just how many stickers should I put on my fucking Nalgene? These are the things people think about. I think about that shit all day. That's right. So yeah, let us know.

Have you done potato for a goat show episode? I was thinking about that earlier. Yeah, we did. We did a goat show episode of the goat form of potato. Yeah, it's unfamiliar. You said mashed potatoes, right? I, Michael lobbied, he lobbied me hard for mashed potatoes to be the runner up.

I think in the end, I let him say it, but I said I didn't care for them. The woat, I believe the woat was like, oh, baked? Yeah, oh yeah. The woat was baked potato, then potato chip, then mashed potato, and then french fry. That's raw. That's very good.

And Lotka didn't get mentioned. It might've got an honorable mention because we did talk a long time about hoe fries. We really waxed potato. So I would check it out, listen to that episode of the goat show, and then listen all the other ones, please. Yeah, it sounded familiar, for sure.

All right, cool. That's it. That's our time. Thank you for writing in those emails and theme song. Send them all to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. Still no follow up from the guy who wanted to know if he should text a girl back when she asked him in a pretty boring fashion.

But as soon as we hear, yeah, maybe next week. And for, yeah, for more of us talking into microphones, only as a video, check out our Patreon, patreon.com.j.a. Oh, yes. Making videos every week. We're nearing 5,000 patrons on there. So you wanna be one of the first 5,000,

otherwise it's like you're too late to the party, you know? I think last week, didn't we read, we read an unrecorded, an unshot script a Jake and Amir that was scripted to be shot was never ever filmed, edited or posted. And we found out why. Oh, wow. I don't even remember that.

So yeah, it must be intriguing. All right, I'll watch it. I'll fucking watch the episode. Are you happy? I'll subscribe to our Patreon. Good man. It's about time. All right, the opening theme song was so good.

Let's say we listened to it again because you know what, it's Christmas themed. So do you remember who wrote that? It was Grant and... His girlfriend, great sister, nice. Yes, girlfriend, Alyssa and boyfriend, Grant. Sweet. I don't have anything to plug

but my favorite Jake and Amir episodes are Normal Conversation and the Doobs series. All right, thank you, Alyssa. Cool. Thank you, Grant. Let's watch Normal Conversation on our Patreon forum. Sounds good to me. Is that the one with Dan Klein?

I think so. Good man, good Dan. Good Dan. We'll see you, we'll see you guys soon. Bye, everybody. I'm answering questions and winning turkeys. They'll make fun of you. And if I show what I'm gonna show

on the headgun network, it's the right time, it's the right time. Just name them all your problems. If I were, if I were, if I were you, show a Gmail.com. Send your questions and queries and quotes over to Jake and Amir. That was a hit gum original.