If I Were You - 467: Staying Warm

Episode Date: December 21, 2020

In this episode we discuss calling friends, vacuuming floors, and drinking wine.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. This is a Head Gum Original. If you were her would you dog me would you think this intro is funny either way I am out of napkins if I were you show starts now. Yes dude. Well yes Anthem part two the number one track off of take off your pants and jacket very nice. So very very nice. That was Andy Powers and yet day one he says this was his first time recording anything or everything by himself. Wow.

And it is indeed based on Anthem part two off of take off your pants and jacket if you didn't know. Huge. I don't really have anything to remote but I'd like to give a shout out to my girlfriend Cassie Casey Rose. You're a dime baby girl. And also if you could remind your listeners to check on their friends holidays are hitting different for everyone this time of year. Wow. That's very nice of him. And actually wait till my unsolicited advice comes up.

Okay that's going to hit different. It's actually thematically tied to that shit. Yeah. I see you sent it to me earlier it's jerk off into a paper towel instead of toilet paper. I can't understand how that is. If we're fucked up you're too blamed. Yeah dude. Love and appreciate the good vibrations all the best Andy P.

So thanks Andy. What is Anthem part two? There's an Anthem part one. Oh you're drinking. I didn't realize that you have a red wine. Wow. I've been doing enjoying a glass of red with the pod today. Well I wonder if this will change anything.

I mean this is sort of a new you. You brought up the fact that you've been trying to get into wine and now you're drinking it on the pod. On Mike a nice glass of wine. It's very to you as well. Oh and you're drinking a Gatorade Zero. I don't know. Glacier sherry. Actually less healthy than the alcohol that I'm consuming.

I'm actually pretty fucked up myself as well. I can imagine. You mix that with vodka right? Look at that. Look at. All right. So smell it for us. Sort of just try to describe that wine for us.

Let's see. Okay. You know this is this is actually it's a 2016. It's a I believe it is a fuck me. I think it's Cabernet. Okay. I think it's Cabernet. I'm getting up.

Okay. Oak leather twine. Your feet are on fire. I think that's it. I'm getting up almost like a burnt like a burnt canvas or a burnt rubber or something. My feet are tied up and they're on fire. Bone flesh. Almost like a fleshy bony and then has it how's it on the tongue?

How's the mouth feel? The mouth feel it's definitely dry. It's a it's making me pucker a little bit. Let me get another another swig here. Yeah. Take your time. Really take your time with it though. Well, it's really hard at first not to taste anything except you kind of like the the taste

of like the way that rubbing alcohol smells, which is like, you know, that's the alcohol part of it. Yeah. It's really overpowering to me still. It's good. Right. But it does just taste like alcohol. There's a tiny there's a hint of cherry.

There's a hint of cherry. I'll say that a hint of lime and a hint of cherry, but mostly oak grape juice and vodka. It's like from what I can see. Have you ever instead of full body red? It's a full body red. You could put it in your nose and your ass even to see if it's like really dry with the tan ins and putting it in your ass. That hits different.

That's actually let's not get to it now, but I have unsolicited about that. The mouth feel and the ass feel. The anal feel it's almost like it's really wet down there. I feel like have you ever used the bidet, but it's filled with wine instead of water. Talk about the pucker. Tell you what. You know, real dry, real dry up there. Yes.

Anyway, shout out to Casey Rose. He loves you. He totally. Yeah. And that's coming from us as well. We all, we all have, we're a quadruple with you. So thank you so much. Anthem part one or Anthem as it was called on the 1999 EP, Anima of the state.

I believe it was track number five, but don't quote me on that. It's kind of just about how like, you know, the youth where we're wants to party where a bunch of maybe some lost causes. We're just trying to have a good time. But you know, don't don't blame us for having fun because actually it's like, you're the ones mom and dad who are getting divorced and fighting and making us play sports and we don't want to. So when we rebel, whose fault is that really?

And Anthem part two is really similar themes, right? It's hard to make us play sports. A lot of it is just don't make me play sports in a way. If you just don't make me play sports, my crush doesn't like me. I hate you dad. That's what it all boils down to. Yeah. Mr. Hoppus and Mrs. DeLong.

This whole album sort of a fuck you to them in a way. Anthem part one and Anthem part two. And especially stay together for the kids. Is that a song or an album? Yeah, that's a song. I believe it's also off take off your pants and jacket. And that's just about a couple that stayed together even though they're fighting all the time and fuck you dad.

I think it was with a couple that got divorced. And I guess the song maybe wanted them to stay together, which is interesting because as when you're younger, I feel like you want your parents to stay together when they get divorced. But as I've gotten older, when I hear about people getting divorced, I'm like, good, that sounds like it's for the best. A hard decision was made. You're actively trying to divorce between your mom and your dad, it seems to me. Yeah.

And you don't have to choose a side, by the way. You don't have to say you prefer one side or the other, I'm just saying. I guess the divorce is one way to look at it, but my mom should just dump him. You can't even call that a divorce because it sounds like an amicable split. But it can't be amicable if he doesn't even deserve her in the first place. Yeah, I was going to say, it doesn't matter what side you're on. You'll obviously love them both equally. I'm on my mom's side.

Yes, but. Love them both equally, no. Fat chance. I mean, there's no proof of it. You can just say that and then think whatever you want. This is just to make your dad feel a little bit. I do think that I love my mom the most. I know.

I was trying to sort of set you up to be like an adult about it, being like, I know you guys are like adults about it and I love you both equally, but this is why. Why would I need to be nice to my dad? He's a duffel bag. Not really. He's actually very nice. He's a carry on. He's really nice to you.

He gave you that one. That's fucking luggage. He gave me that one. He bought me a 2016 Sovcombe. Yeah. Okay. Sovcombe. Sovcombe.

Sovcombe. Sovcombe. Sovcombe. They don't even make those. Having a Sovcombe in Costco. So it's you and two others going triple Dutch on a fucking bottle of red, specifically in Costco. Yeah.

And that sounds good to me. All right. We're back. This is if I were you an advice podcast. Frankly, the only one on the web hosted by us. I'm here. I'm Jake. And we are post Hanukkah pre-Christmas.

This is the sweet spot. This is when shit gets real. Winter has one. There was a snowstorm in New York. It's cold there still. Right? Snow still on the ground. Snow still on the ground.

I feel like this didn't happen to us last year. Like we had such crazy weather last year that it would snow, but then it would be like 60 the next day. And it was, I never, I have not dealt with the like snow still on the sidewalk shit that I'm dealing with right now. Since moving back. Yeah. I really don't think I have.

We have not had a crazy, crazy winter. So is it, is it supposed to stay? Is it getting warm? Is it going to start raining? Is it what's the deal? Let me see. Actually, I haven't looked at the weather. It was below freezing all weekend.

So did you have to shovel? Did you have to scrape ice like you haven't had a car on the east coast in a while? Have you dealt with that? By the way, it looks like it's going to warm up. So I think we're, we're good. But yeah, I had to shovel. What did I do? I had to, I shoveled like my parents porch.

And then my car was also completely buried. I like took out, I brought out like 14 inches of snow. Wow. Like, I had to shovel my car, like shovel the snow off of my car. Like off the windshield, right? Off the windshield, off the hood, off the windows, as much as I could get off the roof because you're not supposed to drive with like a big mountain of snow. But yeah, it's crazy.

Have you thought about pouring hot flour onto the car, sort of melting the snow off? Hot flour? You heat up a bag of flour and you take it outside and you dump it on the snow, right? And as it settles on the snow, prank or something. Hot flour. No, try it. Try hot flour and try putting a little, put a little hot tea in your ass too. So how will that help my car?

On the winches? How will that help my car? I'm saying when you're out, because when you're out there shoveling, you're cold, right? Yeah, a little. So 90% of the heat comes out. I see you're wearing a beanie from your ass. Yeah, not your head. That's 10.

The last 10% goes up out of your head. Because I do have like, I've fixed socks and boots on my feet, gloves on my hands and a beanie on my head. And yeah, there's a lot of the heat escaping from my ass. Yeah, because if you think about it, like when you fart, right? When you fart, that's heat coming out of your ass. Right? That's true.

And then you feel that. Yeah. And as the heat comes out, cold air is coming in to push the heat out of your ass. And so if you put a little tea in there, a little tea cup in there, and you put like two, do you have little sugar cubes? I do, I just can't imagine that I, if I, if you want me to eat. Trust me, take like, what's that little dropper that you use to apply your medicine almost? Like you take a little eye dropper?

Yeah, a little eye dropper, exactly. Fill it up with the hot, hot, Earl Grey tea and sit on it, sit on it, shove that entire thing up your ass. And then put two little sugar, two little, I want you to put two little brown sugar cubes up there too. Okay. Next time I go outside or like, no, let's do it right now on the video. I want to see you do it.

I guarantee you won't be cold until March. You'll get, I mean, you've lived in LA for like 10 years. Do you really, you feel like you have like good tips for staying warm? Yeah. Yeah, tropical climate. Cause I, yeah, no, but I, I was also in New York, so I was like looking up for life hacks to keep me warm. Cause I'm sort of a desert.

And that was something you used to do. Yeah. I used to sit on a eardropper filled with Earl Grey or decaf if it was getting late. And then a little steel ramekin of half and half. You just added that. I already had the sugar cubes in my ass. I have the eardropper in my ass and now I need a steel ramekin of fucking cream also. Half in your ass.

Half out. That's why it's called that. A little, one of those steel. That's usually cool. That's usually a little chillier. It usually is, but once it's, yeah, it'll be in there and then it'll be warm up from your body heat. Okay.

Maybe I'll do it during the break. I'll save that for unsolicited. So just, just know that that's the universe that I will be giving my. A lot of relevant good stuff coming up for unsolicited. Yeah. Oh, we actually got some real questions too in addition to our unsolicited device. Oh, all right. Nice.

Here's a fun one. Since it's, you know, the gift giving season and we sort of have spoken about our troubles finding gifts for people, this person will call him Rudolph writes, I'm terrible at giving gifts. Absolutely awful. On holidays coming up. I want to give my new girlfriend something great since she is annoyingly amazing. I'm considering either making her a large terrarium aquarium or buying her one of those USB midi

keyboards to make music. I wondered, is it better to make a gift or buy a more expensive gift? Or should I do both and eat less fast food in January? Thank you. Love Rudolph. Interesting. Those are okay. Three good options.

The third one way or another, less fast food in January. That's one of the options. Yeah. If he does both. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I think that like making something is definitely more thoughtful.

It sounds nicer. It sounds better, but also like more expensive is probably cooler, right? Yeah. I mean, I know I personally would rather just get the expensive cool thing than like a grade A effort because usually the things that we can make as humans are not as good as the ones that are being made in a factory somewhere because they're the experts. That's like making a terrarium. That's kind of a cool.

You made a terrarium in your living room. Yeah. But then the dolphin got angry about it and the whole thing started cracking and spilling and it like it ended up getting like water everywhere and I had to like hose. You remember she raw. So I had to hose her down. Right. You had to try to keep her alive.

And by the time, uh, nautical aid got to me, she had, she had passed in my living room. Well, that's cause you would put an eyedropper of tea in her little blowhole. Yeah. I was trying to save the bitch. Who are you? And who are you? All right. All right.

Let's relax. Suddenly I'm being accused of dolphin abuse like it's high school all over. Abuse, dolphin murder. Not abuse. I bought that fish. She's, she're a past, you said, right? I bought her. It's not exactly, it's not exactly dolphin abuse.

She was exactly, she was my property and I did what I had to do to keep her alive and I failed. I didn't build the terrarium to code or to snuff. You know, I told you you had the right to remain silencer and I'm just trying to paint the picture here because I feel like I'm getting the third degree. Anyway, which is worth the silent treatment. Uh, yeah, building an aquarium seems nearly impossible, really. What do you buy?

Glass and fucking weld metal. Oh, wait. No, but really you, but you built that terrarium in your living room. Was it like that? Oh. Glass thing? No, I did not build anything. I, I, I hung up, I hung up a glass planter.

Yeah. So I don't, I wouldn't say that I assembled a terrarium as much as I did. Um, put a glass, uh, spherical, like one of those, uh, orbs, empty orbs, and I filled it with dirt and I put a plant in it. I, I guess I think that if, if you can like cobble something together with like made elements that is like a thoughtful, um, a thoughtful like, um, montage or collage of cool stuff that like ends up being something she wants, like a terrarium, like a, a glass tank with some cool plants in it or something, that sounds like a cool gift to me.

Yeah. That's true. I, I recently fucked up my own gift giving. So I feel like I'm in, I'm not the person to talk about how to gift things wisely. I kind of, how did, how so? What did you do? It was a series of unfortunate mistakes coupled with things that were out of my control and it just, things went from bad to worse.

Actually I asked my niece what she wanted for Hanukkah. She recommended, uh, like a sweat shirt, sweat pants combo, a sweatsuit of sorts. She says she's a child large or an adult small. Okay. I can do that. I go on to various websites. I end up ordering something from old Navy. It gets there.

It's a child small. So she can't wear it. It's too small. I'm like, all right. Fuck. I'm fucked up. I'll make it right. I will buy you a new sweat shirt, sweatsuit combo.

Again, I'm going to get child's large or adult small this time. I got tripped up. And you know what? I'm going to throw in masks, fun kids masks that she can wear outside. It's like, it makes you look like various animals. Cool. Last night of Hanukkah, I pay for overnight shipping, very expensive. It finally gets there.

Just the masks though, not the sweatshirt, sweatsuit. No, that's still being quote processed, which doesn't mean anything. Of course. Yeah. So you got someone like a COVID gift for a holiday. That's right. Also, she can't wear the masks. She says the kids masks are too small for her.

So basically I got her the wrong thing. To rectify it, I paid premium to get the good thing. The good thing never showed up. Instead, what showed up was a bonus thing that she also couldn't wear. So as of now, she has five articles of clothing that are too small, and the one that's actually good for her is being processed in a warehouse somewhere near her. So yeah. You're going to have to buy her something more expensive now too.

How about a bracelet? I have to up the ante. Another sweatsuit, new masks, and then you're going to have to toss in a bracelet or a necklace. I feel like I keep digging myself a deeper into the hole. Let's get it over. Let's get it same day shipping if you can handle that. I tried the other same day shipping, and it's currently still in a warehouse somewhere. I don't know why.

Also, I guess there was a mall shooting in an old Navy in the Bay Area. So good Lord. I don't know if I had anything to do with that, but this whole thing is wreaking a bad karma. I don't know what this whole gift thing is cursed for me for whatever reason. Yeah. Now you kind of have to ruin her holiday by just being like, sorry, there was a shooting at the mall. Yeah, so I can't get it, but I'll fucking buff rush the guy.

Great. Now I'm depressed. Yeah. It's funny because Jill is talking to me right now, bless her soul. She bought me a Christmas present. What we usually do is I buy her something for Hanukkah. She buys me something for Christmas, and I guess whatever she bought me has been like sitting in a in like a postage facility somewhere.

So she kind of just yells at me every couple of days about like how it's not going to get here. She's pissed. But I'm like, I don't know what like now I'm stressed out. So is this supposed to be a gift? Is this a gift? Because we're all just anxious now about this gift. Yeah.

Everybody's mad about everything. And then there's more pressure on the gift because when it arrives, it's been a long process to get the gift and then suddenly you have the gift and one of my standards are sky high for this thing. If I, I'm going to, my first thing, because I bet she's going to like take the price tag off it, whatever, but I'll just Google it. I'll find out exactly how much it costs. That's cool.

And then I'll wait that against what I bought her. And then what did you get her? The coupon for the free massage thing. Yeah. Which is technically I bought it for her last year, but I said it got lost in the mail. So I saved on that obviously. So that's, you know, over two years. But for the coupon for the coupon for the massage.

Yeah. I got her an IOU one massage coupon, but I had to, but Mike is the one that's going to give it to her. So I had to pay extra for that. Weird. What am I, a masseuse? I don't think so. I don't have the time.

Yeah. I was on about the time it's about, it's kind of like owing her a fun little sexy favor. You know, it's like, give it a massage. Sexy. What the fuck are you talking about? Massage. My brother and my wife. I don't think so.

I think sexy about that. In fact, in the fine print of the coupon is me in the room watching the whole thing to make sure it's copacetic above the board. All right. That's enough. Your gift wasn't that good. You don't deserve the back scratch or two. Yeah.

And if the massage looks really good, then Mike is going to have to give me one too. That's the other thing. That's a two for man. You have the option. You have that right. All right. Let's take a break. Answer some more questions on the other way.

Should we tell this guy what to do? Buy or make? I'm a buyer. You say buyer. I say make. So it sounds like we're saying both and no fast food. You can't go wrong. You can't go wrong with not eating fast food.

Yeah. That stacks with like a New Year's resolution of not eating as much fast food, which is fine. All right. Cool. Let us know how it goes. Send us a picture of that aquarium slash terrarium. We want to see it.

Oh, yeah. And we'll be back after these messages. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this head gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire head gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift.

I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just father's day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. Personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why.

As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family.

You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. That's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in.

Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. She misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way.

By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah.

Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift.

And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes. It's a u r a frames dot com. And our listeners can use code head gum to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th.

So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's aura frames a u r a frames dot com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code head gum for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on.

Thank you, aura. To the head gum podcast you were listening to this show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable

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That's better help H E L P dot com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thanks. Better help. And we are back. Jake, do you, I mean, you said you already did, but do you have any? Oh, it's a little bit. I'm coming.

Yes. Yes, I do. Shout out to Nick Rad, who gave me the gift of of doing this for me. And now I'm passing it on to the population writ large. He called me. Just gave me a call. I had a missed call from Nick Rad and I was like, I hope everything's okay. Call them back.

He's like, Hey, I just wanted to give you a call. I'm a call guy now. And I was like, that's great. And we just sat down. I sat down and I just talked on the phone for like 40 minutes to my good friend, Nick, and it was awesome. Unplanned. You said, what were you going to do with that 40 minutes?

It seems like you, he just caught you at the right minute. Yeah. You caught me at a perfect time. I had just, um, it was like, I think it was the end of the day on Friday or Thursday, maybe like four or five PM. I was about to take a shower and go downstairs and eat dinner and instead, uh, yeah, I mean, I was like literally just going to go hang out downstairs. So I hung out upstairs and I chatted to Nick for 40 minutes.

That's good. That's a very holiday chic gift is reconnecting with someone because you probably used to talk to him every day. And then the, the shutdown happened and you, there are people that you haven't seen or spoke to in a year. And I think that there's something weird about like just screen faces now because we see people's faces on screens so much. It's like such a part of our work and school and it's like, it's not exactly like a pleasant

experience. You know when lockdown first started and we had like, I like, I did like a zoom with my family and I was like, Oh, this is so fun. I've never, ever like seen all of you guys all at the same time on a computer like this. This is novel. And now it's just like, I do that all the time. So I'm, I'm not like looking forward to just catching up with a friend over FaceTime for 40 minutes.

It like feels like my entire day. So you prefer the phone call to the zoom call. Yeah. A phone or it's so novel. It's so nice. And I like, I also just like held my phone to my ear so I didn't have a screen to look at. It was just like looking at the ceiling, talking to my friend.

I highly recommend calling your friends and just talking on the phone. Wow. So have you done this outwardly or is this something that you just accepted? Yeah. No, this is only so far it's only incoming. It's only been incoming. It's happened three days ago, two days ago. So let's try it.

Let's do it right now. I'll call, call somebody and pick up your phone and let's see, we're in the middle of a podcast. It can't just be nice to catch up. Who was, uh, who's like the second person under the M in your phone? Second person. Call that person up and see how they're doing. It's somebody named Madison 62.

I feel like that's somebody from, oh, from Ashley Madison. No. No, not from Ashley Madison. What isn't that? Cause that's the 62nd person you matched with on Ashley Madison. Isn't that way? No, it's not. What's the next one?

Go to the next name. Ashley Madison 63. Right. Yeah. Obviously. Uh, yeah. Call that person up. Even if it's just an old landlord or somebody that you put in your phone to pick up lumber

one time, it's, it's good to reconnect with that person, specifically over a podcast. For sure. Uh, okay. That's good advice. I saw that on TikTok actually. Gary Vaynerchuk said to do it and then he did it and then he, they showed like a one minute clip of a conversation he had with a high school buddy of his that he hasn't spoken to in like 13 years.

Wow. That's kind of cool. Yeah. Good for V. Great for V. And it was funny cause like that guy, that guy's probably like, damn Gary, you're so cool now. Holy shit.

What are you up to? Oh, you know, lots of stuff, TikTok mostly, making content for Instagram, et cetera. He's got to. Uh, all right, let's see, uh, what other question we got? Mm hmm. Here's a good one. A cleaning conundrum. Oh, I love cleaning conundrums.

Okay. We'll call this person Mr. Clean. Cool. Every weekend, my girlfriend and I, we've been living together for a year now, do our usual housework. One such chore is, of course, vacuuming and dusting. This is where our problem rears its ugly head. Somehow nonverbally, we've established that I'm the designated vacuumer and she's the

designated duster. That's fine by me. In fact, I prefer it that way. But week after week, once all of our housework is done, a thin layer of dust, keyword, can be found carpeting the surface of our baseboard heaters. Here lies the crux of our sticky feud. You'll see these heaters remind me of an old street near my childhood home that was essentially a collection of moon crater potholes surrounded by traces of usable road.

This street drew a border between two municipalities, let's call them Dustville and Vacuum Town, and for years, neither municipality wanted to pay for the upkeep. If my analogy isn't clear enough, there's a dispute as to whether cleaning the top of the heaters is the responsibility of the vacuumer or the duster. It should be noted that my vacuum head is rather clunky and doesn't clean the top of heaters well, even if I try. It sounds like we know what site he's on. All that said, I think while working up a sweat moving furniture around trying to get

every nook and cranny of the floor, the mayor of Dustville has the moral responsibility of tending to the surface of our baseboard heaters. I need your input on how the love of my life and I can come to an agreement about this this this this this this toxic conundrum of ours. What site are you on and why is it mine? Thank you. Love, Mr. Clean. You know, I do I do believe that the the top of the the heater needs to be dusted.

It can't be vacuumed. I'm not saying that I take his. What is a baseboard heater? What is that? Is that like the accordion thing? Yeah, it's like a tiny little metal, like square, like vent that it goes all along the base of the floor. I see.

You've seen those before, right? Yeah, that's not the like the metal accordion thing that makes dinging noises. No, that's a radiator. A baseboard heater is like a slightly more modern one. They're like four or five inches tall. They run the entire length of the room. Oh, interesting. And OK.

And you've had to dust and or vacuum it before? Yeah, I mean, you have to clean it otherwise it'll collect dust, but it can't be vacuumed. That's nonsensical. You can't vacuum it. I don't think that it's his girlfriend's responsibility. Like the the tasks don't have to be I'm the duster, you're the vacuum or this needs to be dusted. It's kind of like you dusted everything.

I vacuumed everything. This this like extra thing needs to be dealt with. Maybe they both dust that, but it doesn't need to be dusted. It can't be vacuumed. I would think also vacuuming is the easier task like overall, isn't it? I don't know. It's definitely physically cumbersome moving furniture to get to carpeting. And then like if you have an older vacuum, shout out to my light Dyson.

Not everybody has that. If you have an older, heavier vacuum and you have to move furniture, it's vacuum dependent for sure. But like if I'm holding the cordless Dyson, which I also have that Dyson goat, then I don't then vacuuming is honestly a joy. Yeah. Dusting is less wet. Dusting is less fun because you're actually dealing with dust.

Like, yeah, it makes me a little claustrophobic and like allergic and makes my nose run a little bit. Yeah. I think it's I think it's a worse task. So being like, oh, you're not done dusting. You have extra stuff to dust. Duster isn't fair. But I think that as I've said many times, the the vent needs to be dusted.

It can't be vacuumed. Yeah. And also work. If it's a long, smooth strip, it's kind of cathartic to dust that till you just do like a thick one swoop situation. Yeah. So I mean, be the bigger person and you just take on that extra dusting. You vacuumed and you also dust.

And then you'll have that moral high ground always, you know? Yeah. And then you sort of bring it up in passive aggressive ways. Like, well, I guess I did a little bit of your job and you didn't do any of mine. So yeah, you're like, you know, you're you made a big bowl of pasta and you serve some to you, you serve some to her. And then you get you say, oh, and a little extra for the guy that did the vacuuming and the dusting, right?

It's just a bowl of dust. I prefer to eat the dust sleeping in bed at night. And like, you get, you know, I actually, I think I get the I get the I get the whole comforter, you know, I get a little more blankets because I do that. I do jobs, you're steaming hot underneath there. You've recently attempted to go Roomba. Have you not? Yeah, I have a an off brand Roomba called the Yuffie.

OK. The Yuffie does, you know, the Yuffie does fine. The Yuffie is it's it's not it's it's not a replacement for the vacuum. It's sort of just like it subsidizes the vacuuming. That's it. Yeah. But let's say you vacuum once every two to four weeks. If you get the Yuffie, are you vacuuming still once every two to four weeks?

You just don't have to do it as hard or you're doing it like every other time. I think I vacuum every two weeks regardless. But like the in between stage doesn't look nearly as as bad. So that's not worth it to me. Like I'm not I'm not hiring a fucking robot to do my job and then I still have to do the job. That's like there's no point hiring the robot. Now I have to oversee this fucking thing. OK, well, you're yelling at me.

I can micromanage this fucking this toy that I didn't get you a Roomba. OK, really? But it's on my Amazon list. It's on my only fans. But I did get so I got my Yuffie as a wedding gift. I wouldn't have bought it for myself. But when you're registering for wedding gifts, you know, you could just click whatever you're like, oh, this is a. I think Jill and I put like three vacuums on our registry because we're just like, fuck it, you know, yeah.

Oh, I see here. Yeah, 11 vacuums, all vacuums. Yeah, all vacuums had to have been a misprint. But behind you, I see a row of 21 fucking. What are you, like a vacuum repair person? I meant to keep my video off your debt. You're a vacuum delivery man or some shit. Mr. Hoover.

So you recommend or don't recommend the the Oofie slash and or Roomba. If you can really casually get it as a gift, I recommend it. Yeah. But I wouldn't spend my own money on it. No, it's kind of interesting. It's kind of like having a pet. Like sometimes the Yuffie will just bounce around the apartment and Jill and I will watch it and be like, oh, look how stupid it is. It's stuck in the bathroom.

Yuffie, come here, Yuffie. Gunshot. Yuffie, no. What have you done, Yuffie? Don't never believe me, Yuffie. You framed me, Yuffie. Yuffie, you framed me, Yuffie. It wasn't me, I swear.

All right, so dust in addition to vacuum. I'm sorry. That's just going to have to go. Although it is a little weird that the lady does not want to dust. Well, she's dusting. She's dusting everything else. She's dusting the counters, the shelves, the electronics, the TV. I guess she's thinking that like, I don't dust the floor.

She thinks that the that the vent, the baseboard heater is part of the floor, an extension of the floor, which I do get. You know, you're like, your job as a vacuum person is windowsills and below. Like, I'll dust the windowsills, but everything below, like all the dirt below this line. That's on you. So I think it is on, like, that's more, that's, I think that's an more equal split, actually. Like, there should, yeah. I'm wondering if there should be like the actual space of the room. If you can almost vacuum seal an entire home, like we live in the future.

I should be able to press a button and then all the, all like the dust sort of gets like, when you open the fucking door of an airplane, that kind of shit. In like wood shops and stuff, they have that. There's like a vacuum that's like attached to the wall and you like, sweep stuff into this thing that's just like sucking all of the stuff, all of the dust up. Yeah. And that's how I used to vacuum when I had, you know, when I had that loft, like in 2012. Yeah.

And I didn't have any rugs and I would just sweep everything into a corner and then just vacuum the corner. It was really, really effective. Yeah. So if like an entire house can almost tilt or something. Tilting, that'd be ideal. Yeah. If you can build a house almost like on a thing, almost ideal, you can lift it up entirely, 180, let all the dust like fall out of the chimney.

Yeah. Almost like a bully holding an herb upside down. The baseboard heaters themselves could be the vacuums. That's good. That would be cool. So air, hot air comes in, but also if you want, sucks out. Yeah. Sucks it all in.

That's really good. That's actually, I'm going to cut this part out because I'm going to try to scheme up something. I'm going to mock something up actually. So you're going to, so what you're saying is you're going to steal this idea from me and try to, that's what you said, cut this out, right? It's like one of those, you know, they say like, oh, your idea works in a vacuum. Like, no, no, no, my idea is the fucking vacuum. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I think you should leave this in just because like, I, the likelihood of you being able to pull it off is so. I could pull it off. Infinite test. Let's pull it off. No, you could. It's easy.

It's easy. Yeah. What's the first step? What's first, what's step number one took to turning a baseboard heating unit into a vacuum? By the way, by the way, I described to you what a baseboard heater was. That should be a really good idea. Yeah. A baseboard heater works too.

So basically like, it's almost like a space heater, but a vacuum. You know what I mean? No, no, I actually, I had this weird little mini amnesia moment for a second. I'm going to have to listen back to myself because I don't even remember what the fuck we've been talking about. It was so random of me. I just, it's like when you're falling asleep and you're having these weird micro dreams. Yeah.

That was so weird. I don't remember the first half of this podcast. I think we're talking about bacon at one point. I don't think we were. In the beginning of this podcast, you told me to put tea in my ass. Yes. Yeah, that sounds totally familiar. Why did I say that?

You did an entire show in a fugue state. I don't know why you said that. This whole show worked in a vacuum. Oh, that's it. That's exactly right. All right. Let's go. You don't know what you're doing.

You just remembered what you said. Oh, here's one. One final question from a sophomore at the University of Wisconsin, Madison. Let's go badgers. Am I right? All right. We'll call this lady a badger, Bridget. Bridget.

Bridget the badger writes, I'm a sophomore at UW Madison. Next year, I'm living with four of my very best friends. But the problem is I kind of sort of have a huge crush on one of the boys. And I think he may like me back. Okay. So we met freshman year in a class and one thing led to another. And we were hooking up. That stopped.

And we went AWOL for a minute. He went AWOL for a minute. And months later, we linked up again and became best of friends. This was all good and fine until my current roommates decided that to get a boy, that boy and his friend to live with us next year, I know that we can't be together. But last week, we were drunk and cuddled all night. He has been joking about doing that all the time next year when we live together. And I know from your previous episodes that platonic cuddling does not exist.

So how the hell are we supposed to act when the flirting is constant? And we're supposed to be college roommates next year. Help. My brothers and I have watched and listened to you for years. Thank you. Love. Bridget. The Badger.

Ooze. Ooze. Okay. Yeah. You're fucked. Definitely. A cuddle, buddy. Cuddling is more intimate than any like hooking up at all.

Like cuddling is like- They already have hooked up. So like to go from fucking to AWOL to cuddling, it's like the intimacy is a ride. You were like casual fuck buddies. So it's like, oh, there's like the chemistry. There's the spark. Yeah.

Then like physical. Then the AWOL. So there's some drama. There's like the distance that gives you that like sense of intrigue and wonder. And like what are we? And then the cuddle comes back. The cuddle is like that I need you. That you make me feel something.

Yeah. Like damn. And then tap it all off with the fucking with the roommates. The roommates and it's like we shouldn't. We can't. This is a bad idea. Game over. It's game over.

There's nothing we can say or do that will stop this from being the most fucked situation of your entire college career. But it'll start. I guess we can tell her what's going to happen. It'll start great. Yeah. You'll have no notes through September, October, whenever. Oh yeah.

The beginning of the screen. I'm like, it's going to be going great. Living with my fuck buddy. He's fun. He's cool. He's funny. We cuddle. It's perfect.

I love all my roommates. My friends. And then I also get to like have sex with my crush. Yeah. Right. And then like one time you come back home from the bar and he's like swiping on Tinder with like other friends. And you're like, that's funny.

But like whatever. We never said what we were. And he can do that every once in a while. You're just my roommate. I know. That's why it's funny. I might get the fucking app too or whatever. So then she gets a little offended or maybe it's the other way around.

She's swiping and he gets a little offended. And then one thing leads to another. And then the other person brings somebody else home. And it's like, oh, don't pretend like I didn't want that. But you didn't want to give it to me. Shut the fuck up. They're in the other room. I know.

I'm sorry. But I fucking live here too. I don't care. I don't have to be quiet. Whoa. Awkward. And this is like day four. Bridget, you ruin the friend group.

Cut to nine years later, you guys are married with four fucking kids. You don't remember any of that happening because it was a blip in the grand scheme of things from the cuddling to the engagement to the kids. It's over. What a fucking roller coaster. But suddenly you start getting the seven year itch. What?

She wants to see other people, you know, casually at first. Hey, what? But that's no big deal. Maybe I can just keep it homosexual on the side pieces. What the fuck are you talking about? I mean, you saw me kiss a girl once at a bar and you said it turned you on. That was before we had fucking three kids.

What the fuck are you talking about? Mama. Shut up. You do not have my son. You do not have my fucking son. What's going on here? Nothing. Nothing.

Go back to your room. The roommates are still there. They never moved out. They never moved out. Holy shit, Bridget. Why are we still 21 and you're like 43 or some shit? How did that happen? How did you guys age 20 years?

Are you going to class today? Class? I'm 102. I've lived a full life this semester. No, I'm sure it'll be fine. You guys are going to do great. Yeah. No, it's going to be good.

Don't worry. Let us know. Let us know. Let us know. Let us know. That's good because it's snowing outside now. Very nice. Enjoy the ride.

Is there anything to stop? Do you stop it before it's happening? Do you just enjoy it? Let it happen. Go with the flow. Yeah, I think that there's something nice about doing some crazy shit in college and getting yourself into sticky ass situations that you wish didn't happen. But in the end, you'll be looking back and being like, that was funny.

That was crazy. What a time. You're a college sophomore. This is when these things are supposed to happen. We've all been through it. You'll get over it if it does happen. Enjoy the living situation. Living with five friends, that's exciting.

What's the most amount of people you lived with? It's, I think, only ever, honestly, I think only three. I don't think I've ever had very many roommates. Yeah. Like me, Amanda and Dave was the most people. Oh, and me and Jeff and Cohen. Yeah, but three. Always three.

What about you? Same. I had an opportunity to, in college, the last year, eight of my friends got a house and moved into it. And I was like, it'd be fun to hang out there, but I don't think I want to be there. So I just stayed in an apartment nearby. Yeah, that was cool. And were you right?

Was it fun to go there and seemed like it would be a lot to live there? No, it probably would have been fun to live there, too. But I did spend enough time there that I probably should have just moved in. I'm always so lazy against moving. Like, ah, it's not worth moving. I'll just keep my stuff here. And I might be misremembered. I think I wanted, now that I think about it, I think I wanted to move in.

And they were like, maybe not. No, you can't. Not you. They wouldn't let you. Not now or something like that. They were like, why do you even want to live with us? You're right. I'll just come by a lot instead.

It was like a threat. I was like, all right, if you're not going to let me live here. This was when you were in RA, right? They weren't even my friends, honestly. It was like a fucking dude in his seven friends. This was at UCLA two years ago. I said, why don't you let Uncle Amir move in here? All dust, all vacuum.

Actually, this was Jeffrey James at USC, right? Yeah. He tried to join his frat when he was 32. Lonely and horny season three is me trying to join a frat for the entire season. Wow, we did write an episode where you were at a frat party. We never got to film it. That's something we should read on our Patreon, actually. Man, imagine a frat party right now.

The most dangerous corona environment of all. Yeah, Jesus. 400 college kids in a steamy house sharing all jungle juice out of a toilet. Passing a hookah pipe back and forth. Yeah, pretty much. Oops. All right. That's it.

That's our episode. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. If you are, if you actually want to watch us, we are doing weekly videos on our Patreon still at patreon.com slash j a. Yeah, that's right. So it's like what you're doing now, which is listening to the show, but you get to see us too, which is kind of a bonus.

Yeah, even better. A good gift too. If there's like a fan in your life, you can gift them that Patreon. That way it's like, oh, shit, two days till Christmas. I don't know what to give this person. Boom, give the gift of patronage. Yeah, because that comes with like, what is it, two years of videos? Yeah, I got hundreds of videos at this point on the back.

It's a large library. And that's always good. Like a gift that you can use on Christmas day, because that's a boring ass day after you've opened the presents. Yeah, I'd watch our shitty videos. Instead of demanding more gifts, you can just enjoy the gifts that you already have. And you know what?

Hey, cheers. I'll drink to that too. Cheers. That wine glass has gotten more full over the Christmas. The wine went bad. I've been throwing up a little bit every time I take a sip. I see that. I've been storing it at a really weird temperature.

I've been storing it in a bathtub. Your cup runneth over in a way. Do you remember who wrote the opening theme song? The Blink 182? It was God. His name was Anton. Tucker? No.

Andy. Yeah, Andy P. Yep, Andy. That's right. And this closing one is an abstract version of a theme song where you can also find his music on SoundCloud, Abstract Shine, and his digital art, Abstract Dot Shine. So that's sort of set your mind to that kind of mood as I press play.

And as always, of course, we'll be back next week. Thank you for listening. Happy holidays. Stay home. Stay safe. And we'll see you soon, later. That's the name of the pup. If I were you, I'd be here for that day.

Why do you think everything happens in the silentry? Well, there's two coin juices. B was DJ Shmoo Shmoo. Welcome that if I were you, this show can tend to get crude. These dudes will give you advice on how to live your life. Getting pre-teens through strike. And they both have wives. They used to be single.

And now they're married. So when they give advice, please don't be wary. They eat the scary berries. But don't be stubborn. For the record, my dad's name is Barry. That was off topic, obviously. But these mentions will solve your problems, probably. You're not an oddity, Earthbound Bowie.

Let's reach out and let these Jews know we. R.I.P. Kobe. Yeah, R.I.P. Kobe. Shout out to Lakers. But these Jews touch your heart like pacemakers. They'll give you advice. Do we have any takers? Cook me holler, you Israelite bakers.

I remember when they used to have a web show. Now they give advice to make your life less dope. Opposite that. Where's Thomas Middleton at? I mean, dish. A miracle Jewish. Jake is half. But trust me, they can make you laugh.

The human isn't crusty like the Krabby. If you're feeling Krabby, or you feel like a well-like patty, these Jews will help gladly help you out. When I'm in doubt, take my earphones out. Breathe. Put them back in if I were you. You know what? Stop calling her a pup. You brought her to praise the beast to the office.

She attacked you, making you drop her leash. Shout out to the Jewish people. You were surprised and scared, and you said, you know what? I can't deal with this. And you ran off in a brazen act of cowardice. I, I, I, I hear her that day. It's rigid. I hear her that day.

It's cold beyond belief. I hear her that day. It's freezing. It's cold. It's cold. I hear her that day. It's cold. It's cold.

Perfect. That was a Hidgum Original.