If I Were You - 468: Liquid Nice

Episode Date: December 28, 2020

In this episode we discuss XMas gifts, English Football, and living rent free.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. All I did was joke. Then Jake said, you get the turdy. It's such a bad joke. You get the turdy. It's such a bad joke. You get the turdy. It's such a bad joke. Another turdy. Now leave me alone. Time. Very nice. Post-punk pop alternate. Alternative. Alternative. A peril. Noise. Meets. Music. Pop. Detroit Rock. City. That was from a band, actually, if you can believe it. It's not just one person. Let's read it. This is a cover of- It's from Australia. Gotta be from Australia. It's a cover of Smoco by the Chats. So, there's that. It's such a bad joke. I forced my girlfriend to perform the lyrics from the POV of Amir going into each podcast recording. She didn't get any of the references, but I think she killed it. Wow. That's awesome. Someone who doesn't know anything about us singing a song. That's cool. Very cool.

We inspired this person to start a comedy podcast. So, if you can plug The Judges, it's a show where friends, three friends, highlight some of the craziest stories we can find from popular subreddits such as Relationship Advice and Today I Fucked Up, amongst others, then we do what we do best and judge people. Solid concept. Yeah. So, thank you to Josh, Erica, and Christian, aka The Judges, available on iTunes. Nice. There you have it. So, thanks to them. It doesn't say if it's from Australia or not. I guess we'll have to listen to the show. It's that pop-punk post-alternative Australian grunge. Rock. Folk. That's my shit. You're just naming every genre of music shoved together into one MP3. Yeah. That's it. That's not how it works. That's my shit. It's an amalgamation of tunes. Yeah. Right. A transformer, a Voltron. They get a little bit of this, a little bit of that, and they shove it up together in a bottle of wine and you drink it down. Do you have wine?

Wow, look at that. That's a pint glass of wine. How does that work? That's a camera trick. I'm not overindulging. This is a glass. It's a water glass at the very least. Yeah, but it's not a pint glass. This is a six ounce glass, I think. Maybe an eight ounce glass. A red wine. A red wine. Yeah. And then... It's a glass and a half. It's like a glass of wine and a half, because there was a little bit of leftover in the bottle, so I just went all out. How's your wine journey doing? Did it survive Christmas? Were you able to celebrate the holidays with wine more than beer?

Yeah, it's thriving at Christmas. It's absolutely killing it, my new wine hobby. I'm really, really enjoying a deep fruity red, a full-bodied, citrus-forward, smoky red. That's my shit. Yeah, I see the bottle behind you. It's a Welch's grape juice. I spiked it with vodka, so it still gets me fucked up, so don't worry about that. Do you think if you drank vodka and grape juice, what percentage of people would think that's wine? You give it to someone, you say, try this wine. It's kind of unique. Oh, interesting. Grape juice with a little vodka in it. Do you think that's fooling what, 20% of people? I've never ever tried grape juice and vodka, but I would say yes. I'd say that fools most people. That was the first wine, I think, before they figured out fermentation and all the distillation.

Fermentation is like an ancient practice. Alcohol has been around for eons. You think they made Welch's and vodka first before they used wine? Yeah, fruit juice and just rubbing alcohol, and then they hoped for the best, and then they realized, wait a minute, grapes go bad on their own. We don't have to add shit to it. It'll just sort of come out of this process. The first wine was a Hawaiian punch and smirnoff. Prove me wrong. Sorry, I should say my first wine. Yeah, not the first wine in the world. How were the holidays? Did you get any good gifts? Did you get wine-based gifts? Did people appreciate your new hobby? Yeah, actually, we picked up a bunch of bottles of wine. There was also one day where I was recording a podcast and Jill and Micah grabbed some wine for me. Ooh.

And yeah, the wine has been, I think it's been a joy for everybody. We all share a bottle of wine, just like the days of yore. That's nice. And which yore? What days of yore exactly? What were the yore days? Like yore days of yuletide joy, essentially. I see. Yeah, so more yuletide jore than yore, specifically. But overall, they were days of yore. They were days of yore. Yeah. They were yuletide days of yore.

Yeah. And did you use a yore log? And yesteryear. And did you use the log of yule or did you just use the yule tide? How much yule did you use? We did actually. We've had a fire every single night in my parents' fireplace, which is a joy. It's lovely. That's the yule log. Yeah. Yeah, we're burning the yule log.

But we didn't do like a full Christmas this year because, I mean, Jill and I have been living here since October. Micah's been living here since, I think maybe near around the same time, maybe early November. But then my sisters that live outside of the house didn't come home. So it was a small gathering, a smaller her what's Christmas than usual. So that was a little sad. Yeah, COVID friendly, but ultimately a little sadder. Ultimately not great. What happens now?

It's like the 27th through the January 2nd. This is like the dead week. Like we're not at work, but it's not like holiday time either. It's just like, it's going to be Tuesday, December 29th. And what's going on with that? That's just downtime, baby. Like on Christmas day, I left my phone plugged in next to the nightstand. You ever do that?

Just like, don't even take it out. Never, never. I would never, I would never do that to the phone and I wouldn't do that to the phone. I have to be available and I have to have access. I sleep with the phone in my ass. Okay. So that the vibration wakes me up from the inside ass. You were pissed when I said that I left my phone on the nightstand even at night, right?

You sleep with it. Yes. Yeah. Again, it's in me from midnight to at least 6 a.m. I vibrate. When someone calls me, I vibrate. I am my phone's phone. You know the iPhone?

Technically, I belong to the phone. Right. So you're saying you were completely disconnected on Xmas day. Yeah. I did not lift the phone from its spot until the 26th. Did nothing. Wow. Nary.

Did you like check to see if you got texts or something? Like it's been four hours. Let me see what text I got. If somebody reached out to me. So at one point, I forget what I had to do, but I opened my computer. Oh, because it was, we were exchanging gifts, I think, like later in the day and I opened my computer and like I got, like I saw some text alerts come in, people saying like Merry Christmas and I just ignored it.

But I shut it down. Yeah, I ignored it. So I saw some. It's not like I avoided technology entirely. Just didn't pick up the phone. Didn't look at Instagram. Didn't look at Twitter. What about television?

Oh, I watched a ton of TV. I watched TV. Yeah. 11 hours of basketball. Of course. What was that? Movie marathon. I know.

You know, I started getting into is wine. I got it. I was getting into parts unknown with Tony Bourdain. Oh, like the old travel channel show where he eats crazy street food and goes to holes in the wall. Right. That was like wildly popular. And I've reached 11 years ago.

Went for 12 seasons. And they have to be retroactively sad that he's dead because it's like, oh, now I like him. Yeah. It's definitely, it's like harder to watch knowing how his life ended. Because there's just like times where he's eating and he's like smiling and he says, I'm happy. This makes me happy.

And you're like, yeah, that really hurt. But I think it's an amazing show for COVID because he's just like, it's something like the most, the coolest locations all over the world. It's, it really like tickles your wanderlust. And like gives you things to be hopeful for. Like I'm like, oh, damn, I want to go to Newfoundland now, you know. And soon. I mean, do you know people who have gotten the vaccine?

My brother who's a doctor is going to be getting vaccinated very soon. Yeah. I believe Dr. Presley who came on our podcast has been vaccinated. Wow. You know, I've been thinking about asking the doctors in my life to get an injection with a dummy arm that's instead of an arm like a vial. So the medicine goes from one vial into the dummy arm and then you can take that vaccination and you can sort of prick people.

So I would pay whatever $25,000 for a prick. And then she would go back in is Presley because she has to get vaccinated twice, right? Is there a world where she already uses that? Yeah. No, she's not going to do this. Yeah. Because then you would be able to just, you'd only be getting the second vaccine. She wouldn't do that.

But I feel like it's not better than. Yeah. Oath to like. Yeah. And they, yeah, they're usually like, okay, I need to talk to like an ophthalmologist or some shit, like someone who's on the list, but isn't necessarily seeing that many patients right now. That's so that I can sell them on this.

I have this idea. Gaming. This dummy arm idea. Yeah. By the way, I don't think it's a great idea because it has to be like stored at subzero temperatures, right? Yeah. So it just goes from one vial into the dummy vial, into the dummy arm.

So the, the, yeah, the dummy arm. And that's actually a really good idea is this dummy arm. It's filled. I know you think it's a good idea. It's filled with liquid nitrogen ice, a.k.a. liquid nice, which is my nickname now. And I don't think I know a person that deserves to get COVID more than you, honestly. Oh my God. I'm trying to figure out a way to give him the system.

I'm bribing a dermatologist once for a fucking vaccine. Yeah. Well, if they're not available on the day, I can, in a way, steal that liquid nice slash ice from them in the dummy arm, in the liquid nitrogen, and to give to me a prick for thee. And then suddenly I'm walking around. I'm vaccinated, but nobody knows, right? You skipped the line. You're supposed to be like 200 millionth in the line, but you're, you moved yourself

to the top. I'm supposed to be dead last. I did the, I did the test. Yeah. After everybody on earth gets the vaccine, you can waddle into a laboratory after hours and prick yourself. We want you to be last. Is that because you wrote something about the dummy arm in the middle of the test?

I said I wanted to, at the end, it said, would you ever go through illegal means to obtain the vaccine? I said that depends on what your thoughts are on liquid nice. And New York Times, I guess, had an algorithm ready for it. Just for you. You should be dead last. Yeah. The final.

Anyone that says liquid nice, just move to the back of the line. Yeah, I learned that the nice way. I actually have been looking to legally change my name to liquid nice, but that's not neither here nor there. Can't say that. It's a story for a different day. We could deal with that after New Year's. For now, let's try to answer some questions.

This is after all an advice show, an advice podcaster, the only one on the web posted by us. I'm Amir. I'm nice. No way. Sorry. I'm liquid nice. I'm liquid nice.

You can't be liquid. That's kind of cool. I'm liquid nice. Amir and liquid nice. No. Liquid nice. I love that. I love that.

I'm liquid nice. I don't think so. That wouldn't make any sense because your name's not Jake. No, it's not. It's liquid nice. That's interesting. That's an interesting idea. I'm liquid nice.

You can be whoever else you want. I don't care if you go by Jake, but it would be dumb. It would definitely confuse people because then they might think you're liquid nice. Fine. Then I'll be Guyton Ice. What do you think of that? If I were you, it's fine. If I were you, it would be Guyton Ice and liquid nice.

I want somebody to play this for the Aussie who did that theme song. She'll understand our show even less. Sponsored, yeah. Brought to you by, again, Guyton Ice, liquid nice. Here's a question about Zoom photo nicknames. This is a good question. This idea kind of stumped me, so let's see if we can help this guy out. He has an Israeli name, so let's call this guy Omri Kaspe, who's an Israeli basketball player.

I'm an electronic student and my physics teacher really likes to make fun of us. It includes not answering our questions, only letting us speak through the Zoom chat and never checking the Zoom chat. Most importantly, he gives students nicknames based on their away image, the image you see when someone's camera is not on, that they have on their Zoom. My question is, what image should I put on my Zoom to get the coolest nickname? Amir deserves the golden mic. Bye. Love you.

Bye. Actually, you know what? Fuck it. Let's give the golden mic to Amir this episode, but unfortunately, Amir's not on this episode. I am still him. It's Guyton Ice. What does he get? I don't think so.

Guyton Ice, what does he get? What does he get? Guyton Ice is trying to get a trophy as his first ever episode. He's going to get a 30. I'll tell you what. Why? Because that's overreaching. It's overreaching.

It's overreaching is what it is. Whenever I leave a Zoom, it just says my full name. Look at this. See? I leave and it says Amir Blumentfeld. When other people leave, it has their picture and I don't know how to adjust that. Wait. Hold on.

I need to... I hid my... I hid self-view. When that happened, it just was a huge photo of me. So give me one more second. All right. Now leave and show me what happens. Okay.

I leave and then it just says Amir Blumentfeld, my name on the Zoom. I don't know how to add a picture. So when you leave, there's like an away photo. Oh yeah, it's a photo of me. Yeah. It's a Google photo of you. I think that's all I did. I think I linked my Zoom and Google accounts.

Oh, I see. So maybe that's what it is. I mean, I definitely never uploaded a photo here. Interesting. Okay. Anyway, that's beside the point. That's how you do it. What's a funny image he can use to get the best nickname?

Because he leaves and then the guy's making fun of the person using the image. Yeah. Well, first of all, what's the best nickname? Like, Eagle comes to mind. Our old DP, they used to shoot the head gum videos. We called it Eagle. Yeah, Eagle's cool. Yeah.

His last name had the word Eagle in it though. Yeah. Right. My photo on my computer is like, you know, Mac just like lets you choose between a couple and mine is an Eagle. Interesting. So I would just imagine. I don't, yeah, I don't mind Eagle.

I also don't mind Liquid Nice. Liquid Nice is, I mean, that's cool. Or Guyton Ice. It's my name. It's my name, but yeah, Guyton Ice is fine. It's better than Liquid Nice, I think, if you wanted to switch. We could do that for the holidays. Got it.

No, I don't want to switch, but Guyton Ice, you, I think that it's like, it's not even about which one is cooler. I think, I think Liquid Nice is cooler, but it's kind of about like, I thought of it. Who could pull both of these off? Like, you look at me and you're like, oh, that guy is Liquid Nice. And then you, and you're just like, oh, this fucking AD, it's like, he's a Guyton Ice. Yeah. I don't think so.

The whole point of it was to give me a name that was cooler than Liquid Nice, which I, I know you stole from me like eight minutes ago. It doesn't matter who, who stole it from who. You could have stolen it from me. I could have texted you Liquid Nice and nobody listening to this episode would know, you know? You didn't. Yeah, you didn't though.

Yeah, but it's just not about theft. It's not about that. It's about who, who embodies the name Liquid Nice. And I don't think it's a guy whose nickname is a Guyton. That's all I would say. Yeah. You know? Well, yeah.

What would you say to the, uh, this fucking guy, the guy who has to get like a, an image to have a silly nickname? Are you crying Guyton? What's going on with you, Guyton Ice? Is there a world where I cry and I'm still named Liquid Nice going forward? Or is that ship completely sailed? That ship is a speck on the horizon for you, Guyton. That's fair.

Yeah. I think you could do anything, any, any image with like a cool animal. That's, you know, that, that would be pretty solid. I don't, I can't imagine. Oh, a shark. The shark. Yeah. That's kind of nice.

Any golden animal, like a tiger or a lion that's also gold or silver, like a metal dragon of sorts. Yeah. To be a metal dragon would be good. Or to be a bronze, like tiger would be good. Or to be like a Guyton Ice. A tin ice. A foiled rice.

So it's a bowl of rice, but they're all individually. Um, yeah. I mean, you got to make, you got to make your, a golden eagle. That's probably what the move is. Okay. A golden eagle. I feel like, oh, that's the, isn't that the Boston college nickname? The golden, Boston college mascot.

Is it also in Foxcatcher? Uh, Steve Carell's character is like, call me eagle or golden eagle. Yes, that's right. Call me eagle or golden eagle. He clearly prefers golden eagle. Call me that. You just thought of it second and wish you said it first and only. Uh, all right.

Great. Golden eagle. That's perfect. No, no, it's on the golden eagle. You got to go for the golden eagle. Call me eagle or golden eagle. All right, eagle. Actually, never mind.

Just call me the golden eagle. I said golden eagle, didn't I? Yeah, I guess. Uh, all right. Let's take a break. Thanks to some sponsors and come back with more questions and answers after this. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift.

I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting.

Yeah. My first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're, they're great.

Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to the camera. Anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah. Frame.

This is actually how we, how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, uh, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant.

Yeah. Yeah. Or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool.

And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. Uh, so you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app.

Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes. A U R A frames.com.

And our listeners can use code head gum to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply.

That's auraframes. A U R A frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code head gum for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, aura.

Now back to the head gum podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule.

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That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we are back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a little bit of a device. Mom, I'm coming. Gross.

Yeah, you know what, buddy? I do. It's a plea, actually. I want you to get back into the EPL with me. What? So the unsolicited advice is for me specifically. It's for you. Start watching English Premier League football.

Okay. Give it a shot. Yes. Did you ever choose a team? I did. Much to my chagrin. I kind of wish I didn't because now I can't go back. I love the Tottenham Hotspur and the last five weeks have been pretty disappointing

to be perfectly honest with you, but they're bad this year. No, they're not bad. They were at the top of the table. There was a time when we were number one and that was foe. But since then, we've fallen to number five after some very, very disappointing late draws and late losses. Okay. Not great.

So are you watching specifically Hotspur's games or what's going on? I'm watching multiple games all weekend. And actually, that's what I've been doing since post-Christmas, like 27th, 28th, 29th. They've just been nonstop games on. There's nonstop games through the rest of the week. Wow. And the reason it's so much fun is because the way the table works, every game means something. Since I like Tottenham, I care about the Liverpool score a lot.

So it has a much greater effect that you can feel more so than you watching a random basketball game that makes the Nets record a little bit better or not. This is life or death with every match. Yeah. And the tables are close this year. They are close. So who's the top four? Liverpool, Everton, Leicester City, and Man United.

Yeah. Liverpool is really amazing. Okay. All right. So do you think I need to choose a team or do I just watch some? I feel like I need stakes. Otherwise, what am I watching for? I think my number two, everybody tells me that you're supposed to just have one and hate everybody else,

but it's really hard because there's so many good players and they're all really fun to watch. But I love Everton. They've got an Icelandic midfielder, I think it is, Sigurdsson. But the dude's the man. He's awesome. So I like Everton. Okay. That's cool.

They're usually bad and they're number two right now. You could also like Aston Villa. Oh yeah. All right. So Aston Villa, I think, has one of the hottest guys, Jack Grealish. His name is Jacked. That's how Jacked he is. He is Jacked Grealish.

And yeah, because his actual name is Jacked. He's so Jacked. No, no, his name is Jacked. Oh, I see. Yeah. But we could call him Jacked Grealish. Oh yeah, I see him. He's hot.

He's got a good set of hair on him. Yeah. He looks like a slightly shorter Beckham. Yeah. But the dude's sexy. And so you could like Aston Villa because they got the hot guy. Yep. You should probably, if you want to watch an American though, then Chelsea's your team.

Chelsea's your team. Christian Pulisic. That's right. Yes. Yeah. How's he doing here? Okay. That's cool.

He's really cool. Yeah. I can root for him. Yeah. He looks like Christian Bale. Yeah. Christian Pulisic is pretty hot. I mean, everybody in the EPL is hot.

You know, it's kind of awesome. Everyone except Kevin De Bruyne. Who's a fucking broke ass jerk. You rarely see a balding soccer player. They all have good hair. Why is that? I don't know. There's a couple that have bad hair, but I take your point.

For the most part, they have awesome hair. Right. More so than like, it seems like any other athlete, for whatever reason, soccer players all have really thick, full, cool haircuts. Yeah. I guess it's just part of being elite. They must all take hymns. They all have keeps for her.

All right, cool. Maybe I'll check it out. And when do you watch it? Saturday mornings or all the time? It's on Saturday and Sunday, but then sometimes there's like some match. Like this week, there are matches all through the week, which is very fun. It's quite, yeah, Saturday and Sunday. Those are the days.

It's very easy to keep track of. It's also like, I feel like it was inaccessible before, but now it's on NBC and NBC Sports and like Peacock. It's like not hard to find a game at all. Also not very hard to stream one illegally in a pinch. Whoa. Don't suggest that. Yeah.

Liquid nice doesn't follow the rules. You can actually stream one in a pitch too. That's what they call the soccer field. Very nice. But you know, I haven't seen a single American football game this season. Interesting. So you're off American football and onto Euro football. Yeah.

Fully. That's cool. What about basketball? You don't have a fantasy basketball team? I do have a fantasy basketball team. Um, I have not been, I haven't watched any games though, but I like the NBA. Have you been watching nonstop? Yeah, pretty much.

There were five games on Christmas and for a Jew on Christmas, it felt like Christmas morning to me, you know, five games back to back Christmas afternoon. Yeah. It was morning into afternoon and eventually evening. Uh, all right, let's try to answer some more questions. This one is called dude has messed up spectacles. Wow. Sounds like what you used to have until you got LASIK.

Let's call this guy Waldo. Waldo writes, there is a handsome fellow named Nicholas that I know who recently acquired some prescription lenses. He's quite stylish and he prides himself on his looks and post pictures of himself frequently to social media. I'm guessing that he's never worn glasses before because he's made in a egregious fashion faux pas. The glasses are too big for his face.

Typically you aim to have your eyebrows at or above the rim, upper rim of the frames in order to maintain the expressiveness slash prevent smudges, yet his thick bushes are well within the glass lens frame. Until about three years ago, I had glasses myself that were totally unsuitable for my face and I wish somebody would have pulled me aside eight years earlier. I've attached some photos, pre and post glasses of Nicholas so you can make your own appraisal.

My question is, do I point this out to him or do I keep to myself? The situation is slightly complicated in that we had dated in the past with a somewhat amicable, amicable breakup. And I haven't seen him in about a year though we are quite loosely connected on social media. You see what the deal is there. So do you see the picture? It's so funny to look at a stranger.

This guy has no clue we're looking at him. He didn't even write in. We're judging this guy's new glasses. They're fine. They're perfectly fine. They do make his eyes look bigger. They're like reading glasses almost. It's like magnifying glasses.

I think that's the angle to be perfectly honest with you. This is a single picture. These glasses, I don't think they always sit here. You can also see because you can kind of see the light is hitting his Adam's apple. It looks like he's not chin down towards the camera, which is how you're supposed to take the photo. Otherwise, you're going to look like you got that double chin. You want to, you know, down.

But this guy, he's sort of like cocking his head back at the end of like, when you're nodding hello at somebody, he's sort of like mid-nod back. Right. Right. So I feel like the camera is looking up the barrel up into the eyes, which is why they're magnified a little bit. So ultimately, this guy shouldn't DM the man he dated a year ago and hasn't spoken to since and say that his glasses aren't good.

That's right. Even if you think you're doing a service, which you genuinely, you might be pure of heart. You might be just like, I'm just trying to help this guy out. It's not going to feel like that to this other guy. I don't think the duty dated is going to be like, oh, nice. Thanks for the heads up. He's going to be like, oh, you petty little asshole. Yeah.

It's maybe do it with your close friends, but a guy you dated once, that's a tough ask right there. You don't owe him that courtesy either. It's not like it would be doing such, it's not like it does such a good that you're like, I have to rise above myself so I can tell this guy that he looks bad in his new glasses. That's kind of like, I don't know. It's almost like you could just want to do that for your own ego too. Yeah.

He's basically, he's thinking that this guy will be like, oh, wow, you're really stylish. I don't know why we stopped hanging out. I mean, if you know that much, maybe we should start dating again. What other tips do you have up your sleeve? Yeah. I think that the benefits are not going to, they won't outweigh the risks. It's too likely that he'll be offended. It's also so not, it's not so egregious that it's like, it's still, I would say in the subjective zone

where you're like just giving your opinion. I wouldn't say these are objectively large or bad. Right. This guy, there was another question like this where the guy's friend was wearing the jacket from Drive. And like, at that point, you've got to say something there. Or like, this guy that you dated started shaving one eyebrow off entirely, just like, what is, you know, why? Or like wearing diapers on the outside of his pants as a fashion statement. This still is, it might just be a bad picture of the glasses.

You might just not like the glasses. So let's let the ex live his life for a little bit longer. All right. Yeah. Leave this guy alone. Let him do what he wants. The other thing is that you're talking about like the fact that you wish somebody said eight years ago that your glasses were too big, but you went on a journey that you were allowed to have.

And I think that the ex has to have their own journey. Even if it doesn't have to be an eight year long journey, but it feels like too swift to kick in the ass to be like, I just started wearing glasses. Here's my first photo in my glasses and somebody's like, those are bad, you know, like, let's let him ease into it. If you still hate the glasses in a couple months, then you can say something. All right. Cool. That's good.

That's good tip. Good advice. Good, good way to go. Unless, what if he says you look ugly in these frames and if we date it again, I can turn you from an ugly duckling into a beautiful sawn as long as you want some of this. Ugly duckling to a hot fuckling. Nice. Guyton, nice.

Liquid, nice. All right. One last question. This one's about rent. Everyone's favorite topic of conversation. Fucking rent. Especially since now you're living rent free at home. Maybe you can help us.

We'll call this guy famous landlord, Donald Trump. Slumlord. I live in a three bed, two and a half bath condo with two roommates who also happen to be two of my best friends. We lived together for four years. That's a really good, that's a good setup. Sorry. Sorry to interrupt, but that's a good two and a half bath. Nice.

My God, everyone's got their own toilet. I bet one of those is an en suite. Yeah. A powder room, an en suite, and then a shower and bath for the other two. I would love to hear, does he talk about the closet situation? No, it doesn't. Do you have a walk in? He has a question.

No, I don't know if he has a walk in. It doesn't fucking matter. If there's a coat closet at the front of this fucking place, dab on him. I'm fucking serious. Dab on that shit. If you have a double door coat closet, okay, you can dab on that. And if you have a fucking pantry, then get out of town. Is there a coat hanger?

I'm serious. In your back, you're so stiff. Your shoulders are so high. Loosen up a little. I'm curious to know if he has a walk in. I know. I know. Is it a stall or a tub situation?

Because if so, you can dab on him. I just heard, yeah, I heard your shirt tear. Your back is so hunched. Your shirt is coming on that. I pulled my neck and my lat on the first dab. So how did you keep going? Brick or mortise is setting in early. It's pre-death.

Yeah. That was that fair. Our rent is $1,600. One bedroom is slightly bigger and has access to its own full bathroom. That's an en suite. Very nice. What's the closet situation? He doesn't fucking say the closet.

He doesn't mention the closet. Shut the fuck up. I need to finish this fucking question. Right. Sorry. There's a walk in. You can dab on him. I know.

I know. I know you can dab on him. The other two rooms are a bit small and share a bathroom. Is it Jack and Jill or is that a public bathroom? Yeah, I don't know. He didn't fucking send blueprints. He's asking. If you could send a floor plan, that'd be it.

It doesn't matter. As a result, one roommate, I'll call him friend A, pays $600 per month, and myself and the other roommate pay $500 each. We each agreed to do this before we moved in over a year ago, and it's never been a problem. This is the problem. Friend A has a long-term girlfriend that moved in with us over lockdown. So after about six months of living with us, rent-free,

he's proudly announced that she's going to be around for quite a while and that she's going to start paying rent. Sounds fine, but here's the catch. He claims that since they're now sharing a room in a bathroom, she should only be paying his portion of the rent, not the whole pie. AKA, they'd both be paying $300 while the other two of us would still be paying $500. I can't see why we wouldn't just split the $1,600 pie four ways now. His rent still goes down significantly,

but it would help the rest of us out a lot too, which would be an enormous lift considering the current state of the world, yet he thinks I'm completely insane. So what can I do? Sorry for the long email. Love you guys. Trump Donald. Well, first of all, you can play him this part of the podcast because he's completely insane.

You don't get to move your significant other and then have your rent. That's not how it works. You give your friends an extra roommate and you shave off your rent. You get to live with somebody you love and you pay less rent and then they have to, you know, more groceries, more coats in the closet, in the hall closet. We don't know what the closet situation is in there. We don't know. We don't know if we don't walk in.

Utilities are going up. She's, what, cable, internet, all that shit. She's taken long baths. The hot water is going on. You know, there's just a lot of unknowns here. You don't just get to have your rent. That's not fair. I also don't think that splitting it four ways is completely the right thing because you are,

you're taking up a smaller footprint of the apartment. But what I think what you do is eliminate, this is a math, this is a, this is a you question, but I think you would maybe separate out the, you got to go by square feet, right? So like maybe you parcel out the square feet of the bedrooms and then you split the square feet of the rest of the house evenly. Oh, wow. So you want to get really mathematical about it.

But then I think it's the only fair way. It's tough because then you have to start quantifying like, okay, what about the bathroom situation? You two share a bathroom. We share a bathroom. It's a little, it's not like apples to apples like that. It's not just about square footage. It's also about common area and how often she's there. How much does it actually inconvenience them?

That's why I feel like this, this classic easy, everybody pays $400 is the way to go. You got $1,600. It's easily divisible by four. Their rent goes down more than your rent goes down, but your rent still goes down. She only pays $400 a month, which is solid for her. That seems to be like the best way to split this baby in, I guess, fourths.

Yeah. I guess you're right. I guess that's fair. Yeah. Otherwise, what are you getting into? Like, okay, now you pay $412.50 and I pay $375.50 and this guy pays $382.75 or whatever the fuck. And like you said, we don't know the closet situation. We don't know the closet situation. You do not know the closet situation.

What's the least you've ever paid in rent? I mean, like this guy is looking to pay $400 a month. Wow. That's a great deal. You really can figure out exactly how much you pay a square foot and then truly divide on square feet. That's all I'm saying. I guess that's another way to do it. But yeah, it's a very meticulous way to do it.

And maybe you getting really far into the weeds like that makes your friend just be like, fuck it, let's just go four ways because I don't want to spend like $388.97 or whatever the fuck. But then how do you price the personal bathroom? Like if I'm splitting a room that's twice as big as yours with my own private bath. Both bathrooms are shared now. Yeah.

Two rooms have one bathroom, two have the other. Why don't you just eliminate bathrooms and then you calculate bedrooms? I don't know. I would need a pen and paper. I would need the floor plan. You need the closet space. You need the floor plan.

The closet space. I want the foyer. Is there a porch? Is there a parking space? There's a lot to consider. But I guess the simplest way is that this should clearly be a four-way split. At least you've paid a rent.

Yeah. He can't have all of the benefits of having his girlfriend move in. That is absurd. That's not okay. Yeah. And then what's the lowest you've ever paid in rent? All right. That's the question.

I don't think I've ever had an inexpensive apartment. I guess. When I lived in New Haven the year before, when I dropped out of Moravian when I was at Southern, I was paying $1,000 a month. And I was living with my friend Steve. We split that. We each paid $500.

Oh, that's pretty good. $500. Two bedroom, one bathroom, eating kitchen, living room, third floor of like an old house on Willow Street in New Haven. Not bad. Yeah. I mean, I'm looking to pay $400 a month.

That's really impressive for 2020. I wonder where this is. Yeah. I don't think I ever, after that, I don't think I ever paid less than $1,000 again. I pay $1,000. I pay $1,000 just for internet at my place. I'd probably pay $1,100 a month for internet at my place.

What? You're like... I'm getting that. You're like super glitchy right now. Like, is it fast even, or are you just getting fucked by somebody? Well, this guy didn't even work for Spectrum. So, like, he was going door to door.

He said he could throttle me. Yeah. It says you're using data right now. I'm off my cell phone. So this guy put a little splitter on my cable box, and he said he could make it go faster from you. Yeah. And I'm paying him $1,100 to get the F off of my property.

Like, only Guyton Knight knows how. I feel like Guyton got taken advantage of in a fucking weird way, almost, right? Guyton went for a ride somehow. You took advantage of how Guyton, a nice I was to you. Sir? Guyton's too trusting sometimes.

Guyton believes the best in people. Guyton needs to be a little bit more cynical in 2021. That might be... That actually might be Guyton's resolution. Why can't the world just look more like Guyton imagines, though? I wish we were living in Guyton's world, but he's too naive. All right.

That's it. Thanks for writing these emails. Let us know how this one works out. I'm quite curious. I really am. Yeah. And this isn't injustice being done. It's got a net.

It feels too right at $1,600 divided by four. It just feels like it's right there for everybody. But yeah, let us know. Do let us know. All right. And attached floor plan photos would be helpful. Yeah. I don't think he needs to do the blueprints and stuff like that.

I don't need a blueprint because I don't need to know what's in the walls and where the switches are and stuff. But a floor plan would be nice. A floor plan would be nice. That's all I'm saying. Liquid nice. Liquid nice. Yeah.

Okay. Thanks for writing these emails in. If you have your own questions or theme songs for next year, wink, wink. It's all at IfIWareYouShow at gmail.com. Right on. And if you want some more videos of us, we're still releasing weekly videos at our Patreon.

Patreon.com. We got two years of backlog. We got Lonely and Horny season one and two. We got Jake and Amir watch videos. We got video podcast, Q&As, ANAs, AMAs. We have adult Ed. I might even convince you to bring back the EPL podcast now that I've got a team.

Whoa. Yeah. Now that it can be a legit hotspurs versus Chelsea pod. Wow. That's fucked. That's crazy. Can you imagine such a bitter rivalry in our own podcast? How would we ever get along?

It doesn't. We wouldn't be able to. Okay. And if you... Oh, wait. The opening theme song was by The Judges. And I cut it off halfway through, so let's play the end of the theme song

for the end of this episode. All right. Thanks for listening, everybody, and we'll be back next week slash year slash decade. That's right. A new decade begins in a week, so we'll see you there.

Whoo. Bye. So it's Friday, mom. A podcast is about to record. So I pick up my phone. This time, I'll get that golden mic for sure. But all I get is bad puns in the noggin. Everything is shine.

Turdy's all the time. And all I get is bad puns in the noggin. Everything is shine. Then Jake replies. You get the turdy. It's such a bad joke. You get the turdy. It's such a bad joke.

You get the turdy. It's such a bad joke. Another turdy to leave me alone.