If I Were You - 47: Cheating

Episode Date: December 19, 2013

In this episode we disagree on whether or not drinking is a valid excuse to be a terrible person, and also buying gifts for porn stars.This episode is brought to you by HuluPlus.com! Check out HuluPlus.com/Amir for access to thousands of movies and TV Shows: bit.ly/1aJaQzwThis episode is ALSO brought to you by 20Jeans.com! Twenty dollar jeans and other awesomely affordable high quality clothes: bit.ly/152P612See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Toadah, Toadah, Jake in the mirror, here, sneering at your inquiries Let me see, seize the cheese, oh geez, take a listen to submissions with their permission This edition, I'm guessing we enlistin' in our sympathy We preserve their anonymity, they wouldn't even look to us for affinity Won't give them validity, J and A with mail, they won't fail to say something funny Don't be a dummy, yo, do you, everything is money If you're feelin' lonely, don't hinder, hop up on Tenu to find a limber chick and a winner With a bottle of liquor, no need to call just tax, no need for feeling just sex

Let me see, what's next, email us in, this is your last egg, hope you wanna laugh at jokes The shit is hashtag dope, I really think that this is crag, no coke We laughin' our ass off in this place, we postin' this podcast to outer space Jocelyn has been lookin' for ace Yeah, let's fill in with this Email us in, the thought where you show at email.com Jesus Can we hang out, sir?

I think you're the coolest person that listens to our podcast You want, I saved this to tell you on the show, but you want him to get even cooler I'm gonna tell you his name Oh man, what is it? Vince Valentine Of course, the VV The VVV Vin Valentine

What if that's his real name? That's how naturally cool he is Dude, he was born awesome That was a great, great, great theme song And this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me Excuse you Amir Blumenfeld And I'm Jake

And I'm the hero And I'm your sidekick Come on You are my sidekick At least mention it You're absolutely the Robin to my Batman I'm below you Yeah

But you gotta say my name What a, what a weird, you got offended but you still wanna be my sidekick Hey, come on, I'm your second, come in, man Hey, let me hang out with you Mention me Talk to me Mention me, please It's funny because you're sitting on the floor right now

I do feel below you How's it going? It's chill, it's actually, it's actually trill Really? Yeah Yeah I've been keeping it trill, I really haven't been trying to What do you mean trill?

Trill is sort of, it's like true and real So trill is not, no part of trill is chill It's, well, I mean, it's pretty, it's pretty chill to keep it trill So trill is true and real It's like keeping it very real Extra real So wouldn't that just be trill? No

It's actually really untrill of you to dissect the etymology of trill Just please respect me Please respect me Just know that I need to be respected There's a Jack Handy quote that I think was so funny Said a man doesn't just get my respect He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it You were reading that Jack Handy book on the trip or at least part of it

And it was, you told me one line which was so so funny Oh my god But he's, I mean the whole book you told me is just littered with funny one liners That's great He's like, growing up I always wanted to build the world's longest bridge But I was very disappointed to find out that someone already had done that He's good He really is

He's so good God, he's so funny So how does it work? This podcast, this show that we do It's an advice show So people email us their difficult, you know, situations And we do our best to answer them You can email us in yourself at, if I were you, show at gmail.com

Shall we get started? That was pitch perfect my friend One note that I'll have That was beyond perfection I do have to bring up one big thing Perfect, perfect, perfect Don't change a goddamn thing You're amazing

Here's my issue Here's my little, my live critique And no, I don't have one, it's perfect All right, keep it short and sweet Amazing Should we hop right into it? Yes So this email was written to us by someone we'll call

Banana Banana Run out of themes for the show We are moving on to fruit Fruit This is a fake name Her name's not really banana But we're going to call her banana

But I assure you this is a real email we received We're changing her name to preserve her anonymity Banana writes My friends are falling apart And everything about them is just no I can't even come up with words to explain Just how messed up they are Relationship issues

Family issues School issues Friend issues You got an issue? They do too And it's 10 times worse than yours And they all turn to me for advice Then don't listen to me and cry to me again later

How do I get them to stop asking me for advice Without hurting their feelings or ruining our friendships? Thanks, banana Oh no Nana Banana I think you took a turn for the worst at the end there You just failed the friendship test

You're asking how to tell your friends to fuck off So you cannot help them They're not your friends And you're a friend to no one You're a bad person I think you're a rotten banana for this You're a brown banana You're a bad banana

You're a mealy banana You passed ripe And you're a downright dirty banana Or are you a green sour hard banana Interesting I think let's say she's a green sour hard banana You're a mealy banana It's like a mushy sweet

At least it's a sweet banana I was saying because now she's got She can ripen You can still turn this around Oh, that's also a very optimistic way of looking at it I think it's Maybe she's just green Oh, sorry, yours was not

Sorry, I'm mad at you Whoa, I've never seen you get mad at me That was so real for social What do you mean also? What do you optimistic ass? Oh, when you said brown bananas were sweet Fine It's like

I suppose We spent every waking minute together for 10 days And you finally snapped It was only so long You can stay with me consecutively for 11 days in a row But on that 12th day, you just fucking lose it It would have been any You could have said anything and I was ready to just

I needed to just narrow my eyes at you Was it on the show when we When I estimated that in like the last week and a half Since we also sleep We slept in the same hotel room Every single night on the road trip That in the last week and a half We've spent 11 minutes apart

Yeah, I think I think it Well, we didn't sleep together every night You know what I'm saying? What? I'm not really quiet Yeah, but I mean we spent literally every waking moment We were either together or texting

As like to find out where the other person was So we could get back together It's very sweet When I fly home tomorrow morning And we are going to be It's insane What's going to happen? It was the last time we were apart for two weeks

Ooh, good question Never And it's weird because when you're gone, I don't miss you at all Jesus That's one of those things like you're here and it's fine And then you're gone and I'm better So uh What?

I don't know, I'm crumbling That's all What? Yeah Just because I don't need or Think about you when you're not here No, because it's better when I'm gone That's what you just said

Yeah, it's absolutely Oh, I just feel like a way to still lift it I don't care if you don't think about me when I'm gone Do you think it's better when I leave? And I just feel I feel happier when you're not here You piece of shit Excuse you

Is that why? Because I call you an asshole Trill out, actually Yo, that wasn't Trill You true For real? For real, that wasn't Trill Yeah, I'm trying to keep it Trill

So what should we tell this meanie? I hope she's young because she has time to change Yeah But friendship is about people coming to you for advice Also, you like this podcast, don't you? Clearly, you enjoy some level of advice giving I guess it's frustrating I understand

I think she's frustrated because her friends aren't following her advice So she says they ignore her advice And then they come back crying and they're even more upset Yeah So what you could do is give advice wholeheartedly the first time And then be like, if they come back to you, be like, you know what? I already gave you the advice You either have to follow her or not at this point

I can only help you so much Right I think there's no... Or change the advice, change the way you give it I don't know Or get more well-adjusted friends I mean, relationship problems, family issues, school issues You got an issue?

They do too Yeah Can you imagine having friends with issues? I don't think I do have... Well, maybe I do Everybody has issues, don't they? I'm trying to think of like who... What friends of mine I like give advice to the most

I feel like I'm the one always asking for advice Right What do I do? What do I do? Ehh I'm a fucking loser too But who has no issues? Who has their life so well put together that they have nothing to worry about?

I guess like everyone always has issues It just depends... Like our issues are relatively good issues Right These are good problems that I have Like oh, I hate my parents It's like I only hate my dad And it's like...

Yeah, I'm not so extreme where I like hate both my mom and my dad I just hate my dad I love my mom So much Mommy! You're my bitch! I'm serious, yo My mom's my bitch

Jesus Christ She is, she is, she... Yo, yo, yo, you a badass bitch, my mom You a bad bitch It's insane It's this, this, this language that you use to speak to her She keeps it true I just, I love seeing you be like

I love you my mama And then just like the glazed look over your eyes You're like She's a badass bitch She is a badass bitch I'm gonna say that I guess she's a badass bitch If she's, if you're willing to say that to her

And she's gonna be cool with it You gotta be a badass bitch to be called a badass bitch And not care about it Bad bitch is a term of endearment You love bad bitches That's my fucking problem You love bad bitches That's my fucking problem

And yeah, you like to fuck I gotta fucking problem You love bad bitches That's your fucking problem Yeah, it really is I love bad peaches, that's my fucking problem I love bad peaches, I have my fucking problem I love bad peaches

Damn, I got peaches Ah, alright we're done with this first lady Grow up Help your friends, help your friends, but just try to look at it from a more positive standpoint of they rely on you and they need you and you're like the stable core center of your friend group. And if they're all fucked, then it's your responsibility to bring them back. You can do it.

You're a leader. Believe in yourself. That was bad. All right. All right. Next question. What? I'm sorry.

Believe in yourself? Fuck off with that. It wasn't Trill, was it? All right. Hey, guys. Oh, this one comes from somebody we'll name, Cucumber. Nice. Ass.

Oh, no. You said the theme was fruit and you immediately, immediately, the second thing you did was a vegetable. And now we can't do a vegetable theme because today's episode is, I guess, fruits and veggies and suddenly- Or just fucking food. This is the next person. Chips.

Why don't we just ruin every future episode? Oh, God. Three episodes are now we're just using people's real names. We don't give a fuck about anonymity anymore at all. Bring it. You have a problem. Let's fucking talk about it. John Smith.

That's not this actual person's name. All right. This guy writes in. Cucumber writes in. Cuc. Basically, my girlfriend cheated on me a year into the relationship and I forgave her. But when I came back to think about it, I feel like I shouldn't still be with her and give her a second chance.

But then my other conflicting thought is that I believe everyone deserves a second chance to correct what they've done wrong. What do I do, guys? Given the circumstances, that she is one of the nicest girls I've ever met and truly a genuine person, I don't want to lose someone that special. Even if she was pretty fucked out of her face, should I forgive her and try to move on with a relationship? Or should I move on and try to let go of one of the best things that's ever happened to

me? When you guys said in episode 43, guys suck, I wonder if sometimes girls can be just as much pricks as guys are. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Cucumber. All right, Cuc. I guess it's incredibly rare, but sometimes girls can be pricks.

But only sometimes. Guys, always girls. You think guys cheat on girls more than girls cheat on guys? I think so. Probably, right? Because guys think about boning more than girls do. Yeah. Is that offensive to say?

I don't even know. It's offensive towards males, right? Maybe, but... I guess I feel like girls are more interested in well-rounded guys and guys are just... Girls are more interested in cooking and purses. I swear to God. Girls love purses, guys love pussy. That's what's up.

All girls think about is popping out babies and cooking turkeys or whatever the fuck. I don't know. But guys, yo, we're better, stronger, faster. Jesus. We fuck. No, no, no, no, no. I didn't just say that. Actually, that didn't happen to me.

That wasn't me. The cool thing is that I didn't just say that. That didn't. But I feel like guys are more focused on physical pleasure than girls. Yeah, I mean, just from this year, I feel like at this point we're almost professionals. We've had a lot of experience at the very least reading a shitload of emails of people's problems. Right. And the vast majority of the cheating ones are from guys cheating on girls.

They're figuring out how to keep cheating on their girlfriend, how to hide their girlfriend from finding out, how to take their friends' girlfriends, how to swoop in and steal some dude's girlfriend. And every girl is like, should I ask this guy for his number? Should I ask him out on a date? How do I know if he's really cool? How do I know if he's awesome to me? So yeah, no, guys do suck.

But also, sir, cucumber, your girlfriend sucks. She sucks. She shouldn't have cheated on you. Yeah. I just like that she's like, this girl cheated on me. But she's the nicest girl in the world. She's the nicest girl I've ever met. You should probably meet nicer girls because there are girls that are, if you can imagine

so nice, they wouldn't cheat on you. Yeah, but I do. I feel for her. Yeah. Because you cheated on people before. She was drunk. Right. That's not a thing.

I know. Yes, it is. I'm tired of that bullshit of being like, oh no, being drunk is not an excuse. I only do stupid shit when I'm drunk. Well, you get drunk five nights out of the week. That's not an excuse. So yeah, so like, fuck, come on. Like, that's not an excuse.

Like, oh, Jake, you dance like an idiot. I was drunk. Yes, that's the excuse. Jake, you made that with a stranger. Yes, I was drunk. That's my excuse. Of course. But cheat.

Yeah, I'm dumb when I'm drunk. Right. But you can't cheat on someone and be like, I was dumb when I'm drunk. You know, when I think I get cheated. Yeah, you can. You are. You're dumb. You make bad decisions.

Right. Everybody makes bad decisions when they're drunk. But that's not an excuse. It is an excuse. It's a reason that I did that. It's not an excuse, but it's a god damn excuse. No, it's valid, too. And no, it's not.

The drunker I get, the stupider shit that I'll do. Yes. I will do things that like, that make no sense. Right. So why is that not an excuse? Because if you. I was drugged. You are drugged.

I was drugged yourself. Yeah. So, but if I. You're like, oh, I didn't really, I didn't really cheat on you. What I did was drink this magic potion that allowed me to do it. Yeah. But that's the thing. If somebody like slipped me something in my drink that made me fucked up and do something

stupid, no one would blame me. But it's just because I drank the, because I drank the drug myself. Is that why? Yeah, I mean. Because I drank the poison. It's both. Because I drank the potion. I've been drunk.

So I fall for drinking the potion? Yeah, it is. I don't really know my limits sometimes. So I had some extra sips of the potion and it made me do something dumb. That's not on me. That's not. That's the weakest thing I've heard you ask for. Your honor.

No, no, no. It was me, but what I did was have a few drinks so you can't blame me. Yes, I can. Yes, you can. You fucked up. It's so wrong. I've never disagreed with you more. I think when you get drunk that gives you carte blanche access to do whatever you want

because it makes you a different person. I think when I'm drunk I'm a different person. Sure, I think so too. But I don't think that. There you go. I'm under the influence. Holy shit, I'm going to punch you. They call it under the influence of alcohol.

That means alcohol is influencing my decisions. This is how dumb that sounds to me. It's like if you get pulled over drunk because you like hit someone, you'd be like, I don't know what happened. I'm drunk. I didn't hit him sober. I was drunk when I did it. Isn't that fine?

Yeah, I guess it is fine because you were drunk. You shouldn't never get in the car, but that's the thing. What are you talking about? That's what you're saying. You said you get drunk and you hook up with someone else. You're making it too real. It's making out versus fucking drunk driving. It's cheating on someone.

Yeah, dude. But yes, I'm not saying it's good. You're saying it's a valid excuse. See, right now I'm sober. I'm like, oh my god, so stupid to drive drunk, so stupid to cheat on your girlfriend. But give me like four shots of whiskey and I'd be like, yo, I'll drive any car. I'll make out with anybody. Well, that's not true.

Well, that's not true. Like nine shots. Yeah, right. Okay. Well, the thing is I have good friends that wouldn't let me do anything that is so dumb. I mean, drinking and driving is a whole other level of dumb because you're actually endangering people's lives rather than just emotionally ruining someone else's lives. But if you get drunk and cheat on your girlfriend saying that you got drunk is not a valid excuse.

Yes, it is. So you think someone can't get, if you cheated on your girlfriend when you were drunk, she doesn't have the right to get mad at you? No, she does because you got drunk and you did something stupid. But you don't think that tells something about, you don't think that's a telling thing? If I had a girlfriend and she cheated on me and she was like, I was blackout drunk. I would be like, way, way more, I mean, I'd dump her immediately. Don't get me wrong.

Wow, it's a valid excuse. I'm not saying, I'm just saying I would be less upset if she was drunk. Then if she was stone sober, or consciously made a decision to cheat on me. Well, she consciously made a decision to get wasted and then didn't give a shit if she cheated on you. Yeah, that's dangerous too. But I'm saying when I'm wasted, you, by the way, you are never so wasted that you have zero regard for anything.

Yes, I do. No. In Iceland. In Iceland, I was so drunk. I made out with three different people and I don't even remember doing it. Would you have made out with your brother? My brother told me that I did. Would you have made out with your brother?

Maybe I did. I don't fucking remember anything. Would you have sex with one of your siblings if you were that drunk? All right. That's absolutely disgusting. You stopped it. No, there's like animal instincts inside your body that prevent you from doing that. Oh, so there we go.

Animal instincts inside of your body. So there is a flicker of logic that's still left even after you're drunk. This is insane. You know, I've been very drunk and I've never cheated on someone. How would you explain that? You think I've just never been as drunk as you? Have you ever blacked out? Yeah.

When? In Iceland. You blacked out and you made out with my brother. You think I've just never been as drunk as you? Or you think deep down inside my animal person is better than yours? Your animal person is different than mine. Is that better or worse? Yes, better.

Does that make you inherently a better person than I am? Of course. Yeah. But does that bother me? Yes. I think you're using butt incorrectly. Am I going to do everything in my power to change? Yes.

Of course. But is that change possible? Yeah. So you're saying regardless of how much you're... If you get married one day, you'll just stop drinking because once you have four to nine drinks, you are literally... I'm a danger to myself and others in society and I think if I'm such an asshole, such a bad guy, if I had a wife for ten years and she birthed three of my lovely children

and one of them had a little thing wrong with her leg and we had to get her a corrective brace and we loved her the most even though she was on a little crutch, you know? Yeah. Polly. Yeah, little Polly. Little Polly. Polly. We call her Molly Polly.

Yeah, you call her Molly but like one of your other little kids, always called her Polly growing up so now you call her Polly and it's like this cute thing. Yeah, super cute. So then I'm at a bar wasted and someone texts me, I will immediately sleep with them. I'll cheat on my wife, ruin everything. So I just need to not ever... I'm going to give up drinking and texting when I meet my soulmate. Wow.

You have... You're at least smart enough to know that you have no willpower. Zero. Zero willpower. Poda. What went wrong? Mama? What went wrong, Mama?

Why did I turn out like this the way that I am, Mama? Oh, Mama. What has happened to me? What has become of me? Of the son you knew? Oh, Mama. The little boy with overall playing in the backyard, Mama. Oh, Mama.

Where is that boy, Mama? He goes to raise now, Mama. He pops Molly pills and tries to finger 22 year olds, Mama. Why is that okay, Mama? I'm scared, Mama. Things got trill. Things got trill. They really did.

I like talking like a southerner dying at war, talking about popping Molly pills. He's really into MDMA, Mama. Oh, Mama. Oh, Mama. We broke apart the pills and put them in the water, Mama. Oh, Mama. Oh, we're listening to Kanye and freaking out, Mama. It's a dubstep remix, Mama.

I woke up in a new Bugatti, Mama. Oh, Mama. I woke up in a new Bugatti, Mama. I love it. Todah. I woke up in a new Bugatti, Mama. All my friends are rich as fuck, Mama. Ooh, yeah.

What happened here? Did we give this guy advice? You say break up with the girlfriend. I say give her another chance. Wow, that was a surprise ending. Do you think you should... But, I mean, knowing who you are, would you want your girlfriend to give you another chance? Well, obviously, you're just going to do it again.

Right. It's tough because, like, in your shoes, I woke up in a new Bugatti, Mama. I would break up with that girl in a heartbeat. But then also, as a cheater, I would be, like, giving another chance. You live life in your double standard universe. Yeah, that's true. So, I guess, if I were you, which is the title of the show... The titular line.

I would break up with that hoe. Because I'm her. Give her another chance. Come on, she deserves it. She didn't do anything that bad. She was drunk. You get that, right? But if she even looks at another guy, you dump that hoe.

Because how dare she hold herself to the same standard that I hold myself. You put that hoe on blast. You do him. Him do you. Him do you. All right. Let's break it up. Last chance to promote 20 jeans before the holidays.

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The falls... The elevator down from this ivory tower. These companies pleading at you. Look at that on a macroeconomic level. And these prices are absolutely eye gouging. Their jeans are great and cheap though. And they also have other articles of clothing that are also super affordable, super comfortable, super classy and super awesome looking.

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Petty. I'm doing very alright for myself. Your dad wrote you a check last night. I saw it. Yeah. And you looked at it and you said this isn't enough. Because it was Hanukkah and Thanksgiving and it was just a Hanukkah gift. Oh my God.

You don't get a Thanksgiving gift. I do get a Thanksgiving gift. I absolutely do get a Thanksgiving gift. I was here at your house over the summer and you said I get an August 2nd gift. Yeah. What is that? It's Boxing Day. Loser.

It's administrative assistant appreciation day actually. And whether it's a hallmark or a real holiday, I get paid. But if you're not spoiled, Rotten, you can still check out 20jeans.com for some super affordable clothes. That's that. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a

professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years.

So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today, you can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere

that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow.

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of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Anything else you want to bring up on this breaky break? Not really.

You're going home tomorrow? Yeah. You haven't been home in quite a minute. It's been a long time. Yeah. I'm going to go see my mama. Yeah. And my daddy.

My mommy and my daddy and my sisters and my brother. Yeah. And I'll be nice. Yeah. I like my family. But there's no girls at home. What are you going to do? I'm going to...

Are you going to take a mental break? 1A, take a mental break. That would be the best. I just sleep, rest, go to the gym. I'm going to start climbing again. Wow. You're going to get your life back on track. Yeah.

Start eating healthy. Be the person that I see in my mind when I shut my eyes. The person that you want to be in the morning, not at night? Yeah. Option number two to be is I just pop on Tinder in New Haven. See what's what? See what's what? See what's up?

See what's up in the Yale scene? That's what's up. I feel like you're going to start doing 1A for a couple days, then realize that you need it, the itch. It's still there. Yeah. I mean, that was... Oh, fuck.

Yeah. What? I don't want anyone to hear the story that I was about to tell. That way you know it's good. We should do a paid podcast episode where Jake has a zero filter rather than this one that he has. Can you imagine what I'm not saying? Yeah.

Yes, I can because I know what you're not saying. Yeah, I'm going to tell you. Is there a story so bad that you wouldn't even tell me? Probably not. I appreciate that. Maybe. Thank you. No, probably not.

I'll take that. Yeah. No, no. Your first answer was... If you had a girlfriend and I hooked up with her, I wouldn't tell you. I appreciate the full honesty. You said probably not and I really do appreciate that. Probably not.

What? Probably not. It's true. Probably not. Yeah. Actually, definitely not. Definitely not. You keep between us.

You're changing my answer in real time. Thank you so much. It's not even your learning and like giving it a chance. And you know what? As far as the other way goes, I also definitely won't. Oh, Jesus Christ. Unless there's something that's so bad that I might not tell you. All right.

And I apologize. No, no, no. You don't get that right. What? You don't get the same right that I do. This is such a... For you, it's no holds barred. Some bars are held, actually.

All right. Let's get back to it. Ready? This question is written by somebody named tomato. Of course. Sure. The hybrid is seeded vegetables or seeded fruit or all fruits have seeds. Let's not even get any more into it than we already have.

Yeah, sure. All right. You read this question. Hey, guys. It's been a long time, and it was time to ask a question. I met this girl on Facebook because she goes to a university near me. This was six months ago. We hit it off, and we texted each other over the last period of high school and summer.

After she came and moved into her dorm, I live at home. She actually drunk called me at least 20 times for two nights in a row. We've met once, and I've been trying to escalate this, but she's told me in a heart-to-heart that she has extreme social and trust anxiety because of past people. I don't know what to do now. I really, really care for her, but I guess it won't work with her even though I know she has feelings. Any sort of advice of what to do from here would be awesome.

Thanks guys. Love you. Best. Tomato. This sounds like this relationship is starting off on the right foot. Yeah. Geez. No trust issues, never meeting, or never hanging out, never seeing each other in drunk dials.

Here's the thing about relationships. In the beginning is everyone on their absolute best behavior. The first date is the nicest best you will ever see your partner. Best. It's also the nicest best you'll ever portray yourself. I'm on my best behavior. If this is starting at drunk dialing 20 times for two nights in a row, where does it go from there?

How does it devolve? What's her true self if her on her best behavior is 20 drunk dials in two nights? Yeah, I don't know. 20. It's also like she's drunk dialed me 20 times for two nights in a row. I thought the rest of the question was just going to be like, how do I stop this? Yeah. How do I escalate it?

What do you? Excuse you. You want 40 calls? You want more? This sounds like bad news bears for sure, and yet he wants more. I feel like it's escalated beyond a point of comfort for a certain. You know what his fucking problem is? He loves bad bitches.

I think he loves bad bitches. That's his fucking problem. Jesus. He loves bad bitches. That's his fucking problem. Yeah. Yeah. He likes to fuck.

He's got a fucking problem. If finding somebody real is your fucking problem, then bring your girl to the crib. Maybe I can solve it. So this guy maybe, what if he likes crazy girls? Does anybody love crazy girls? You kind of like crazy girls. But this is too crazy for you or you're into it? Into it.

You're into 20 drunk dials in two nights? I don't know. Yeah. If there was a girl that you had a crush on and slept with yet and she just kept on calling you drunk. Oh no. No. No.

Of course not. That wouldn't get you into it. No. I think I like a little crazy. I like some hitting crazy. I feel like there's also some kind of like spark where I'll hook up with someone and then only later do I realize, oh, she crazy. Yeah.

You like that. You bite into a slice of pizza and you're like, oh, that's a little spicy, but you're not just going to eat like a fucking habanero pepper. No. No. You like that. You like that. I like sriracha.

And to complete the metaphor I don't like crazy girls at all and I hate spicy food. Wow. That's weird. Yeah. Can I tickle your foot? I'd love to, tickle your little foot. It's right by my hand down here. Are you ticklish?

OK, I'm going to tickle you actually. That's such a funny thing you can do. Actually, tickle attack. What? Yeah. There's a full-blown tickle attack, bud. You know how funny is if a guy and a girl are fighting or a guy and a guy are fighting and then the other guy just tickles them?

I used to do that. You can't not laugh during a tickle. It's so funny because you're mad but you're also cracking up. Yeah. I have a method for getting over fights. It's tickling? Well, not tickling. I used to always do this.

If you're upset with somebody and you guys are arguing and you're just not on the same page, I would just be like, let's just lie down and hug and have the same exact conversation. But as soon as you're lying down and hugging, if a girl's lying on my chest and I have my arms around her, it's just like, okay, we're connected, we're in love, we're going to be a little more nice to each other. But when you're sitting across the room just screaming at each other, you never get anything done. That's the good example of your dichotomy.

It's like you're a monster but you also have these very genuinely nice, romantic, thoughtful, little life hacks. Yeah. I just think about them with so many different people that it makes me bad. So what should we tell this guy? I guess... She has extreme social and trust anxiety. I will say that you're being nice and not pushing it because you think that she has

like trust issues, but for her to tell you that she has trust issues means that she wants to trust you. Oh, she's opening up. So I think you can just say, I'm someone that you can trust if you are, because if you're not like, whenever a girl says something like that to me, I'm like, okay, I'm not trustworthy. You shouldn't. But so she's like really opening up and she's nervous about trusting you.

But you can be a support system for her than you should tell her. And I'm going to give the old if I were you and a lady drunk down me 20 times in two nights, I'm blocking her fucking phone number. She's out of my life. Well, yeah. Maybe... I don't know. Maybe there's a reason that she has trust issues.

Maybe like she is sort of crazy and pushes a lot of people away. But if you feel like you want to break down these walls and just try to be with her, then I say fucking go for it, man. Go for it or give up forever. You say tomato. I say tomato, I guess. You say tomato. I say tomato.

So we have that in common. Should we get to the last question? Yes. Let's see here. Oh, this is a good one. Let's call this guy pizza. Fort. Watermelon works actually.

Very nice. Hey guys, I'm a couple... You had an agenda this entire show. Clearly you wanted to get to watermelon. You wouldn't even allow pizza. It's funny as it was. Watermelon writes, I think I'm a couple years older than you guys, but Jake reminds me of myself when I was in my 20s.

I was slaying lots of ass, getting away with everything. Merry chicks, strippers, no condoms, no problems. Now I've settled for a few years. I met a lady who I love and is beautiful and is fun to be with and make loads of money. She is posh and adiva. For her to keep making all this money, she has to travel a lot, weeks at a time. This means my still strong sex drive gets put on hold weeks at a time. To relieve this pressure when the wife is gone, I have a couple of porn stars I watch

and whack to on my iPad. The wife knows this happens and doesn't care. No biggie. Here's the problem. One of my favorite porn stars has become pregnant and stopped making videos for a while. She tweeted a link to her Amazon wish list for some products that she likes. As a congrats on the baby and a big thanks for keeping me entertained while the wife is gone, would it be okay for me to buy this adult star a gift from her wish list?

Something fairly cheap, but nice. I've always enjoyed surprising people with thoughtful gifts, but is this crossing the line? What would you do in this situation? Do nothing? Discreetly do a kind gesture for this porn star or soon to be mother? What would you do in this situation? Would you do nothing or discreetly do a kind gesture for this porn star slash soon to be

mother? Season the cheese and squeeze in them D's. Watermelon. Total watermelon. Wonderfully worded question. Very nice. And very unique. I feel weird when somebody's older than us.

Yeah. Advice like you're smarter than we are. Yeah. And it's like his problem is like an awesome problem that I was like, my wife goes out of town. So I, you know, just masturbate and she's fine with it. Oh, that's okay. Yeah, cool.

What? You have an iPad. Neat, sir. Of course it was written from an iPad. No doubt he watches porn on an iPad. This guy's fucking got his shit together. Amazon wish list for porn stars. That's normal.

What is that? Like a tip jar? Yeah, sort of like, I don't know, they have like any porn stars. Twitter has like a link to an Amazon wish list and it's just like, Hey, you watched me. Fuck. Clearly you want to impress me. It's like for, yeah, it's like for people who have like crushes on porn stars.

When we went to Burning Man with April, she wrote it on a, she got a bike. Somebody bought her a bike. That's such a weird thing. Like what are the guys that are buying them a bike? Did they actually just want to say, Hey, thanks, or do they think that it'll help get in some of these pants? I think that's my problem with this guy's question where it's like, it's a discreet kind gesture.

And like, if you think you're like me, then I know that there are motivations like deeper than that. Or it's like, you just want to be on this chick's radar, maybe she'll see you, maybe she likes you. Right, maybe she likes you. Maybe she like tweets at you, thanks. And then you respond. You're like, no problem.

Then she looks at your Twitter bio picture and she's like, Oh, this guy's kind of cute. Maybe she starts following you. Maybe you direct message her. Maybe you guys exchange numbers and you start texting, sexting. Then all of a sudden your wife's out of town. You're on kayak, you're flying her into fucking Ohio or wherever you live. And, and all of a sudden you're in love with a, with a porn star and she's got a god damn kid and that's not okay.

Oh my God. You're thinking that's only thinking 12 hours ahead is the crazy part. All that happened in the course of a day and a half. Yeah, I don't know. It sounds like you shouldn't do it. I think you should just keep on jerking off to her. Yeah. That way you're, you're still get to jerk off to her, but you don't, uh, lose money.

Hey, that seems like, yeah. And your wife won't find out that you bought a fucking Blendtec to a porn star. I think she wanted some Blendtec. She wanted a fucking diaper warmer. Oh no. Um, hey, uh, watermelon, what's this little line item here? You, you bought somewhat a crib. What was that?

Oh, yeah, it was a pregnant porn star. Actually, what do you mean? If you must know, you go out of town and I buy gifts for porn stars. What, like to sleep with that? No, no, no, I just go on their Amazon wish list, you know, like a registry, a baby registry of sorts to this, uh, woman that have sort of masturbated to watching her get fucked. And I buy her, I buy her a pacifier, a set of.

Well, I think I divorce you. What? Yeah. But, but, but all I did was I'm taking my money and you're out on your ass. Yeah. It seems like it's a very, it's, it's, it's risk with no reward. Truth. Um, that's our last question.

The end of forever. We ask every, we just answered every question we've ever gotten. So we thank you. Thanks guys. It's sobering and it is sombering. And it is absolutely. And it's macabreing. Yeah.

I think it really is. My cock ring is macabreing. Yeah. It's, it's actually there's a maddening with this. Gladdening. Baddening. Yo, it's like, I can't understand. I'm, I'm feeling these emotions and going through the motions.

I can't quite explain this roller coaster. Yo, I'm in love with the porn star. I rent you a guy to kid. Want to raise it from a little guy. Telly's big. My wife's out of town. So I'll browse around on Amazon.com. Don't be a clown.

Uh, we should, uh, I had that idea of getting Shockwave and Lynn to do freestyle raps. We just killed it. They couldn't do a better job than us. What? I think Shockwave is a better beatboxer than this. That microphone is so wet now. So this podcast is now a reminder to ask me to have him do that.

That'll be a fun episode. Speaking of episodes, this one is done. Peace. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. That email address again, if you want to email us is ifirusho at gmail.com. Still accepting theme song submissions. That awesome one at the beginning was Vince Valentine's. Think you can do better than him.

We'd love to hear it. No, seriously, in a non-sarcastic way, we'd actually love to hear your attempts at it. We also don't think you can do better than that. Now we've got some pretty awesome ones. What's wrong? They're all cool. They're all good in their own unique way. But this was the best.

Yeah. Vinnie Valentine, let's go out. Let's be friends. And this last one, we're going to end with a different one from a lady named Shirley. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. Later.