If I Were You - 47: Slice of Life

Episode Date: September 23, 2024

In this episode we dissect photos, ads, and our inner voice.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Headgum Original. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything.

Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Cause you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want it to be steamrolled, but I want the limelight. So no, I won't be recording one.

In fact, for you asking that, I'm gonna keep this part in. Don't. This part is now, yeah. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm gonna say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay, let's hear it

Oh nine one three six six two. Yeah, you have to edit it in but we'll see you guys what no no no Jake and a mere two Jews that you can't forget in 2010 They were big on the internet And all things considered Their success is more than fair Yeah Now here's one more effort For only positive motivations

They swear! Second Another podcast Second Each app different from the last Second Where? Seconds Another podcast Seconds Each app different from the last Seconds It's the Swiss Army Knife of Shoes Now let's

Meet your two emphatic hoes Seconds Whoa, you shrunked. Where'd you go, dude? What if I did the podcast down here? Then the audio would be bad and so would the video. It would be a bad episode. Now you're back and it'll be fine.

Just a silly idea to start the episode. Nothing like, yeah, it's not that personal. Right. Let's try to have fun, but let's not go overboard. I feel like you right now you're in a space where you're overthinking, okay? You're trying to do too much, but you're actually doing way too little, okay? Let's just tell you what, why don't you hit the theme one more time and we'll get going from the beginning. Take it from one. I feel like, I just feel like you're not there right now. There you go. In 2010 they were big on the internet And all things considered Their success is more than fair

Now here's one more Give me a little more For only positive motivations They swear! Save it Another podcast Okay Each app different from the last Let's cut it, cut the- cut it. Cut the music. Cut the music.

Cut the music. Cut the music. Cut the music. Cut the music. Cut the music. Stop the music. Stop the music. I feel like now you are,

now it's like I'm dragging you here, okay? You are, you're checked out. You seem like low energy, Jeff, please clap. Can you please, can you actually please clap? Can you please clap? Okay, okay. It's like I might've said or done something to make you doubt yourself.

I don't know why your confidence has been rocked. Well, I thought it was like a silly throw away thing. I'll do the first act from my knees. And it like, yeah, it made you like sort of be mean to me or something. Right. And then to start the theme song again, it was really bizarre. It's this is the and then it's the show again. It's really bizarre.

It's all yeah. It's like a deck. It's a house of cards. Okay. So let's do the theme song again and we'll call it like this is like the actual act. Yeah. Right. Because I feel like that our foundation.

Yeah. All things considered, their success is more than fair. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations, they swear! Another podcast. Don't do the knee thing. You're doing the knee thing. Cut. Cut the music. I'm not there. I'm not going to get there.

Not today. We're not there. We are not in sync. We are out of sync. Okay? We aren't on the same page. We're not on the same chapter. We're not in the same book, brother.

And I feel like, I feel like I don't know how to, I'm not done. I don't know how to get back from here. It was lost in the wilderness. It was such a nothing. And I can't find you. I was just, it was a visual. It's a whiteout.

This is a blizzard. I am reaching for you in the dark. I'm being pulled under by the waves. I was just, it was a visual coup. It's a white out, this is a blizzard. Most people can't even like- I am reaching for you in the dark. I'm being court-led by the waves. The people who are listening have no idea why you're this throne. And honestly, even if you're watching, it's kind of weird that you're this throne.

I just, I'm usually at a standing desk, so I got on my knees so- Improv is all about being in sync with your partner. And right now, you feel like a stranger to me. I don't know who you are. I don't know you. You could have just ignored the visual gag. I didn't even bring it up the second time.

The fact that it's throwing you this much is weird. Like now I'm feeling weird. Yeah. I think I might've come into this episode from a bad place with a weird energy. Things are not going well for me at home or abroad. at home or abroad. I am, I'm definitely how they say at an, at an ebb, we're at a low tide here.

So I think I was kind of in a place where like any little thing you did, I was going to, I was going to latch onto that. Definitely. And kind of use it as an excuse for me not feeling. So, I'm gonna meet you two emphatic hoes. The segments. Yeah. Welcome to segments everybody.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Wow, do we have a fun one in store for you today? Hell yeah. We'll start the actual episode here. All right, perfect. I love that. Thank you. First one is one we've played before.

It's a photo-based game. So we'll try to be as verbal about it as possible for the audio-only listeners. But if you're around a computer, slide into YouTube so you can play along. And the game is- New tab, new window. I'm gonna share my screen and show you a slice of photos.

And you have to tell me where is this photo from? Let me try to share my screen to the point where you can't see all the. I'll shut my eyes, all the porn? The images, yeah, all the smut. You do not look yet, okay? You know that, right? Yeah, my eyes, all the porn. The images, yeah, all the smut. Okay. You do not look yet, okay? You know that, right? Yeah, my eyes are shut.

Okay. What do you see now? Nothing. You don't see my screen. Oh wait, I can click on a new tab to look at your screen. Okay. But you just see the slice, you don't see the full. Right, I do not see the full.

Okay. I've titled it One Slice. Yeah, so this is picture one slice. Okay. And this is a picture of Jake grimacing, brimming with either joy or pain, showing his, he's biting his lower lip and his eyes are closed and his skin is red.

Can you tell if you're in joy or pain and can you remember what this photo is? It's a, no, I cannot. This is finally, you've done it. When you zoom in on just my face, I don't actually know, I guess. Yeah, there's no context. I'm young. Yeah.

I'm young, pretty clean shaven. I'm certainly in ecstasy. I'm enjoying this. Okay, that's correct. That's correct. This feels like this is a party. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This feels like, this is a party. This, like if I, I was almost tempted to say

it's a picture from Halloween, but if it was Halloween then I would have had my cat whiskers painted on. That's right, not Halloween. So it can't be that. Okay, let me give you a hint. Yeah. Okay. Since you don't really know you're standing next to someone that makes you very excited and nervous.

Excited and nervous. You're like, holy shit. This person is like someone I'm intimidated to be around. Take a picture with me in this person because I'm so fucking thrilled. Right. It's not Michael Chickless. Not Chickless, but similar vibe.

Okay. It's not Ed Helms. Nope. It's a childhood crush of yours. Oh. Oh my God. Is this from when we hosted the upfronts? Yes. And it was the lady from Murphy Brown.

That's correct. You and Faith Ford. Faith Ford. That's right. She was corky on Murphy Brown, right? Yeah. And you had a huge crush on her and look how tightly you're squeezing onto one another.

You're so happy to have that embrace. We were both enjoyed. We were both enjoyed to be there. Yeah. This is, wow. Kind of, could have been like a Hollywood couple, but you never stayed in touch with Faith. Yeah. This is, wow. Kind of could have been like a Hollywood couple, but you never stayed in touch with Faith. Yeah.

Yeah, I think we lost touch after that moment. But I remember she was pleasantly, she was very, she was at least pretended to be, you know, happy that I used to be in love with her. Yeah, I think she was, I think she was. She was flattered. Yeah, flattered, I think she was. She was flattered. Yeah, flattered, that's the word. She was flattered to have that.

All right, next photo. Good for Faith. Two Slice. Two Slice. Too serious. This is Jake looking pale and young in a suit. I am pasty, I am ugly. Jake looking pale and young in a suit. I am pasty, I am ugly. I have wispy sideburns and I am clean shaven.

I am in a black tie. And it is not optional. Black tie. I think this is from, this is at a cemetery in Canarsie when we shot like comment graveyard or, oh no, it was font. There was like a stage video

where we were all played different fonts or something. At a funeral or? Yeah, no, I think it was just comment or funeral, right? And it was like a eulogy and people are yelling like, first, gay, you know, all of like the internet comments, but we're at a funeral. That is correct. It's you next to Suze.

Vinnie is shooting it. Internet commenter funeral. And we are standing next to somebody's actual graves. That seems messed up now that I think about it. I like, if I buried anybody or if I get buried, I would want to like speak with the cemetery and be like, do you ever rent this out for film shoots? Cause I don't want to die here

and then hear action and cut. Yeah. I don't think I'll, I think I'll toss and turn in my grave. If Samurai comes to direct something here. And it doesn't get that viral. I would hate for my death to be in vain if it wasn't even digged and reddited enough times to be viral. If it didn't get stumbled upon, what did I die for? All right, let's go to Three Slice. Three Slice.

Jake. It's Jake's name in an interesting font. It's the text of J-A-K-E. Kind of a nice font. Yeah. It looks like it wants to be a tattoo. Right, like somebody wrote it as a tat, and it wants to be a tattoo. Right. Like somebody wrote it as a tat and it almost could be a tat.

Yeah. It looks, I mean, I, but it's so white in the background. Yeah. But it looks, it looks like it's just on a really pale person's skin almost. I have no, you're gonna have to give me a hint. Okay. This was a, an invitation. You have to give me a hint. Okay, this was an invitation.

Oh, now I think I know. This is a photo you must have of my poor Mitzvah invitation. That is correct. Yeah, come to my party. It's going to be blazing. Saturday, June 12th, 1999, seven to 11. That's late for much of 13 year olds. 11 PM. It's the High Lane Club, bitch. That's right. So one, did you get to choose that copy? It's going to be Blazin' because Blazin' wasn't like a slang term where I was from.

going to be Blazen because Blazen wasn't like a slang term where I was from. Yeah, it was where I was from. Blazen. Yeah, I think I did choose the copy, but I feel like there was a permission structure and I was encouraged from my mom to like put it in my own voice. Okay.

I don't think I was like, it's my bar mitzvah, I wanna write my party's gonna be Blazen. I feel like she was probably like, there's gonna be anzvah. I want to write my party's gonna be blazin'. I feel like she was probably like, there's gonna be an invitation to your party. What do you want it to say? And maybe I was like, you could say that it's gonna be blazin'. And then, cause I remember her being like,

yeah, well we have to put the apostrophe after the N. Hmm, yeah, yeah, yeah. It can't be blazing. It needs to be blazin'. Yeah, it should have been, it's gonna be blazing, but my mom must have drew the line somewhere. And do you know why you waited until you were almost 14 to have a Bar Mitzvah?

You didn't wanna do it upon turning 13. It took you a while to learn the Torah portions or that decision was not made free by you. It wasn't, yeah, that was not really, I think there were a lot of kids in the class and maybe we wanted it closer to the school year but didn't wanna do it too early. We preferred to do it later.

Got it. Were you the type of August birthday that you were like the first person to turn that grade or were you like the youngest? Like everybody had already turned 14 and now it's Jake's turn. I was always the older person in my grade. Got it. Which supposedly is really good for like sports and stuff,

but I don't know if you took advantage of that. Didn't, didn't, no I did not. Yeah. I was actually the athletic director's assistant my senior year in high school instead of playing a sport. So yeah. The Highland Club, country club, athletic director's assistant my senior year high school instead of playing a sport. So yeah, the Highland club country club. What are we talking there for the venue? Yeah, it's one of the it's one of the many little country clubs that Connecticut is dotted with. It's not as fancy as, you know, some might say with a with a golf course, but it's got it's got

a few tennis courts. It has a pool. That was our childhood club. That's cool. All right. Slice Four. It's a really small, blurry image of either you or Micah really giving a thumbs up.

I actually know this one very well because for a time this was my hinge picture. Okay, so what is it? This is me, I believe it is in Portland, I think it's in Portland, Oregon. But I climbed a, like a, you know, a crossing sign, a walk, don't walk sign. And I am leaning out, giving a thumbs up.

Maybe it's Los Angeles. Let's see the full picture. It's a Southwest Washington drive. That almost looks like DC or something, but maybe I'm just being inception by Washington. I'm pretty sure it's Portland. You got up there. Southwest Washington.

Yeah, this is actually a lot higher than I thought it was gonna be. You're pretty Yeah, I was this is actually a lot higher than I thought You're yeah, I was too. I was absolutely trashed when this happened Yeah This was a dangerous habit that I got into when I like in like my early days of rock climbing When I would just see anything and be and if I was drunk, I'd be like, oh I could climb that Yes, and then I would climb to the top. No horror stories, you didn't break an ankle or anything? No, I didn't break my heel until I was completely sober bouldering.

Oh, I should have been safest. Yeah, you rolled out a mat and hurt yourself, but this drunken concrete urban climbing was fine. Somehow ended well, and it was the gift that kept on giving because I was drowning in hinge matches. Do you know who took this picture? I assume it was you. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't remember. It's framed really well. Thank you. Because you can kind of see the glow of the walk sign below my feet. And that indicates to anyone just how high I got, which is pretty cool. Almost too high.

Okay, we got one last slice, ready? Yep. Oh, I know this one pretty well also. This, I'm looking sickly. I'm looking near death. It looks- Artificial, you look like a zombie peering out. Yeah, right.

I believe, cause Hannah El-Assad, our good friend and makeup artist, she asked me if I would be in like her portfolio or something like that. She wanted to like do a series of these photos and they were called quarantine. That's right. But this was way before COVID.

Yeah, it was, this was like 2013, I think. That's correct, 2013, a pre-pandemic quarantine photo album. Let's see the full, let's see the full pic. There it is. Oh yeah. This was the house that I lived in in Bushwick with Amanda and Dave. We called it the Shrubburbs.

It was like a big, it's a big carriage house that is like covered in vines and shrubs. So you can see the shrubs kind of taking over. It looks like, it definitely looks like a zombie movie cause it looks like the vines are growing in me like a virus. Do you remember how much you paid for rent in this? It was a pretty big house.

It was, I think, but I don't think it was that cheap. Like I think we split it, I think it was 4,500 and we split it three ways. Oh wow. Does anybody? Yeah, so what is it? Wait, what's 4,500 divided by three? 1,500 each.

Yeah, that's about right. And so that is kind of expensive, but it was a full ass house. Like there was two bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs. Downstairs, there's a living room, kitchen, and another bedroom. I remember the lighting was poor. It was very dark.

Cause even the windows had, like you see, vines growing over them. Yeah. It was not open floor plan. It was not well taken care of house. It was very cool. It was a really cool house. Had a lot of character.

But the heat broke for like a month one winter. There were water bugs in the basement. The basement was cool. It was like a 1970s basement. It was like wood paneling everywhere. There was a fridge down there. And then there was this back room with the laundry and then storage. But in the storage room, there was like half a dozen knives, like sharp kitchen knives just stuck in the ceiling. So it was very creepy. And there was a shower down there that was where Dave showered. We record a podcast there a few times too. Yeah, yeah. We had the, in the basement was actually decent for, uh, for sound recording. Yeah. Cause everything was so moldy and dank. It was almost like a soundproof studio. We put a couch down there. We basically had to break the couch to get it in

through the Bilko doors. And I guarantee you that it's still there. Oh, all right. That was it. That was Slice V Life. Slice V Life. It's a good segment name actually. Thank you.

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Right, promos. There it is. Thanks DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly, eons, it feels like. Yes, so you know how easy it is to use their simple intuitive drag and drop design technology. Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was

able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI.

You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own freakyfriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday?

Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters?

Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio. The greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch,

just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial.

Enjoy. Thank you. Squarespace. All right. Welcome back. Um, actually, if it's okay with you, I sold a few ads to, not really dynamically inserted, but has to be baked in host thread by you. Yeah.

Right, we should be getting a higher CPM. I don't know what you're selling these for, but like, they're pretty disruptive. These ones are in good faith. What's that mean? So that means we are pay per transaction, but not from this ad, but for future. That doesn't sound like good faith at all.

It's a proof of concept that we can move units, and then that would sort of put us in good standing with the guy that was able to sell me these ads. So these are ads that we're doing on spec, basically. That means for free, and then if they they do well we'll get paid to do ads in the future but okay fine these are cold red so like try to even though you haven't actually read these before put your entire her wussy into it as they say what do they say put your whole her wussy behind it.

It's sort of a her wuss pussy into it. Yeah, okay. Got it. Oh, oh, oh no, I'm gonna come. What? I hate that you play this great man in these. I know, and I don't even write these. It's just like the way the cookie crumbles.

All right, from the top. Oh, oh, oh no don't even write these. It's just like the way the cookie crumbles. All right, from the top. Oh, oh, oh no, I'm gonna come. What? Come down after learning about this exciting offer that is. Calm down or come down? What's the biggest savings you've ever made? Huh? Why are you always so confused?

Percent-wise, like this percent off a retail price. I don't know, man. 80, 90. So how would you like 100% off? Is there a product on earth you wouldn't eat for free? Sure, plenty of them. Okay, what if it had 3000 adaptogens? Just tell me the product.

Now you're asking the right questions. Gunk is 100% micro plastic free and also just free. The secret is in the pudding. Each junky wet ball of gunk is designed to be consumed without chewing. The secret is that it's about as big as a kiwi, but so soft you can swallow it whole. And even though you can't breathe for like one second,

two seconds tops, the feeling of relief you get once it gets past that initial gasp is a little euphoric because it convinces your brain you probably should have died. It's so green that it kind of looks black. That coupled with the adaptogens makes Molly look like PCP. Curious how we can deliver something so wet? Not really. I mean, people order water and that's really wet.

Well, you shouldn't be. I mean, people deliver water. Oh, God damn. I mean, people deliver water and that's really wet. So don't delay, order today and use coupon code Jake Gunnanut for 50% off. You said it was 100% free. 100% micro plastic free, you Jew.

No, you said free. You said free free twice. And then you wrote for me to say, No, I didn free. You said free free twice. And then you wrote for me to say, are you really a Jew right now? I mean, I am, but you did say free. So we'll see you at the gunk. That was good. That wasn't good. That was hard to get through.

That was nothing and I didn't get paid for it. I kinda like the idea though. The idea of like swallowing something like that and having that be as part of the process. I mean, self-asphyxiation, isn't that what it is? Yeah, it's just like, like the, it's the gasp that really, it's a surge of oxygen that makes your brain happy. I don't know.

Could be good. There's something there. Could be worth it. Okay, do you wanna read this next one? Yeah, what's, who else is this episode brought to you by? You think you're better than me? No. Because you go to therapy, you think you're better than me? I said no.

What if you went to me instead of therapy? Maybe I could figure shit out and you wouldn't have to pay all that much because I'm kind of stupid. I wouldn't pay to see you. Five bucks and you can just unload your issues. That's not worth it? Uh, I know. You'd have to pay me to tell you my issues. How much? 20 bucks. Deal. So what's the ad? You're going to pay people $20 to hear your secrets? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's meet in the middle. What?

I said $5 to talk to me. You said 20 to you. Let's do 750 from me to you, 12 and a half bucks away from both of our first offers. And I give you therapy. You know better help? Yeah. Really? Shit. You were hoping I didn't know better help. Well, this is better her as in?

Better Hurwitz. No, as in you better hurry up. This offer won't last. I can't afford to pay people this much. First 10,000 responders only. Way too much money and way too much time on your end. Forget it. Order the gunk then.

Oh, I see. So this whole thing was a second ad. Yeah. This whole thing was for gunk. That's kind of interesting. And it can actually work great because these are not dynamically inserted. They'll never be separated.

They will always. They're baked into the fabric of this episode. Yeah. So it's. This episode. It's ever green. They will be here forever. Slash ever gunk. Ever gunk. Ever so dark green it's black.

That second one actually reminds me of a Jake and Amir video we can write where I'm trying to undercut better health, you're trying to basically promising therapy and I get in one trouble after another. We can do the earpiece thing, I'm doing multi therapy at the same time. Hold on. I'm on your line. I really like the, I like the character of like tough guy needs something from

you. What if you went to me instead of therapy? Maybe I'll figure shit out. You're not to pay me that much because I'm pretty stupid. Five bucks. What's the matter with you? You can't give me five bucks? It's like almost like an Adam Sandler character. Yeah. You don't want to tell me your secrets? Why? You don't think I'm emotionally intelligent? A Needy Mad Boss? Who's sleeping with the fishes?

Hell, I might go with you. I don't like sleeping alone. You sound like Rodney Dangerfield. Get no respect. That would be an upgrade. You should see my wife. Hey. I'd love to sleep with the fishes. My wife looks like a salmon as is. No respect.

Are you talking to me? Nobody else is. Okay, now we're doing something. We got there. Uh, okay. Let's hear from actual advertisers now, I guess. Oh, all right. I wonder if it's gunk related. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience

survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right.

So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. C-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do.

["Handsome"] All right, we're back. One last segment to rule them all. So something kind of interesting came up a week or two ago where I don't remember, I think it was like making the rounds on social media or something. And maybe it's one of those things that does every once in a while.

But the concept was of an inner voice. Some people in the world have an inner voice and some don't. So the inner voice being like a monologue or like something narrating your day or things that you say or you're doing in your head. Right, like if I'm leaving my garage and it's not going down, my inner voice will be like,

oh, that's weird, I wonder why it's not going down. Let me go over here, yeah, that's not, no, that's, why is that happening? Oh, that's bizarre. And it's like, sort of like a constant thought. And then because I'm constantly thinking about things, then I like, I'll forget, did I bring that in? I don't remember, did I do this thing? I don't remember, did I do this thing?

I can't remember, my monologue is constantly humming. And some people just don't have that at all. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, cause I don't have one, or I think I have one light. Like most of the time I'm not, I can't hear anything in my head. Well, if you're walking down the street, you're not listening to a podcast,

certainly you're thinking of something. Yeah, I think I'm thinking like abstract thoughts and they just kind of are like coming up almost like visions in my head that I either like dwell on or brush past. But there's not like a voice chattering and being like, now this, now this, now this. Oh, you should do this.

Like some people even have them that say, you should do this. Oh, like it's a third person talking to you. Right, yeah. Or like you said this, let's say this, let's try this. You know, like very, very active chatty. Oh yeah, mine is my own. I would say- Is there a possibility that we all have the same- Yours is your voice Oh yeah, mine is my own. I would say.

Is there a possibility that we all have the same? Yeah, mine is my own voice. Is it possible that we all have the same thing but we're just sort of communicating what that is differently? I guess it's possible, but I think probably. You have thoughts, I have thoughts, and I call it an inner voice and you don't.

Yeah, I guess that could be, but yours like you can hear your own voice in your head. Yeah, and mine is like I cannot talking Right. I cannot hear my own voice in my head when I'm thinking my thoughts. It's not There's not a sound to it. There's not a voice saying anything right? I mean in theory there's not a voice But they are thoughts like think of a sentence, right? So in in theory, it has to be a voice, right? Even though it's not out loud. I didn't hear anything.

Nobody's hearing anything, but in your mind, you're thinking. But I can't, right, no, I can't really pick, I think I'm just a much more visual person. When I think of that sentence, I'm like picturing what the sentence is, visualizing, not listening to anything. Yeah, I guess there's no way to prove

what people's thoughts are. Like if you're walking down the street and you're constantly thinking, is that considered an inner voice? Or you could say, oh, it's actually not a voice because it's just thoughts and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But we could all be experiencing that same thing. Yeah, but I mean, I think it's just thoughts and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But we could all be experiencing that same thing. Yeah, but I mean, I think it's pretty obvious

that everybody's brains are incredibly different. So you must be having different experiences inside your own head with the way your mind is working. Yeah. And mine works quietly. I often go to like ideas or like jokes or like one-liners, like, oh, that's funny. What if it's like this?

Oh, that reminds me of this Simpsons joke. Oh, that reminds me of this sports moment. Like it's very like what my Twitter feed is basically. So, and you're like in your head kind of like coaching yourself to a joke. Um, it's not even like on purpose. It's just like, I walked down the street and I see two dogs and then it's like, oh, uh, that reminds me of something that could potentially be funny or, oh, that's like this moment in politics because it's two dogs and blah, blah, blah.

Or inside you are two wolves and one of the dogs is licking the other dog's piss. And I'm like, oh, I'll take a picture and I'll upload it to Instagram stories. Something like that. Right. Yeah. Interesting. Right. Yeah. Interesting. Interesting. And as far as the voice, it is that of Gilbert Gottfried.

So every thought starts with Athlack. You should take a picture of those dogs inside your two wolves. Sounds like hell. They're 69. Yeah. picture of those dogs inside your two wolves. Sounds like hell. They're 69. Yeah, why did somebody bring that up to you? I've had this conversation with a bunch of people and it seems like more people have the inner voice

than don't. But you have OCD, which is an inner voice, is it not? Where you're like, I better touch this, I better adjust my shoe, I better touch my car. Isn't that an inner voice? Yeah, I guess in a way, but it's not, I'm like compelled. It's just compulsive. Like I visualize something happening

and then it has to happen to like fulfill some- It's destiny. Some like scratch in my brain that is like, oh, you have like just touch, you have to touch this or you didn't touch that. I guess maybe, and that's like when my voice does come up, Oh yeah, like just touch, you have to touch this or you didn't touch that. I guess maybe, and that's like when my voice does come up. Like sometimes if I really need to focus on something, I can kind of like, I don't know.

There's some version of like, I don't, yeah, a thought in my head, but it doesn't sound like a voice. It's not like a. It's not your, it's not like you can envision your words. But yeah, I'm afraid like this conversation is that of like people not knowing how to articulate the thoughts that are going on in your head.

Like, can you imagine a smell? Like, can you close your eyes and imagine what chocolate chip cookies smell like? Not really, but sort of. Yeah. You know you would know it if you smelled it, but I don't know if you can create the smell in your brain right now.

Yeah, I mean, there are also, there are some people that like, without seeing an apple in front of them, they can't picture one. They're like, oh, I would know there are also, there are some people that like, without seeing an apple in front of them, they can't picture one. They're like, I would know what an apple is, but I can like picture an apple. I can picture that in my head. That's right.

I think I'm more visual. Can you picture a song? Can you listen, can you hear a song in your head? Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, for sure. Of course, yes. And you can think of a movie or a person.

There's stuff happening in there. It's just not in any discernible order where there's like, I almost think of it as like, there's like a person, there's like another voice in there directing, being like, you can do this, this, this, do this now, do this now, think of this. And there's just, there's no one at the wheel up there. Interesting. Interesting.

Yeah. What if you- And so I can tap in and make things work, but nobody is driving. What if you stub your toe and you're alone in the house? Do you yell, fuck, or do you just go, oh, and like sort of scream it in your mind? I think I would make a guttural noise if I was in pain, and like sort of scream it in your mind.

I think I would make a guttural noise if I was in pain, but not if I was like, if I was really frustrated, I don't think I would be like, fuck, I wouldn't be audibly mad. What if you're alone by yourself, do you ever talk to yourself like, where the hell is that thing? Where could it be? Quite infrequently, but I think I have,

more like when I'm driving, I'll like, somebody will cut me off and be like, nice move, dude. You know, something like that. Do you honk? When I get cut off? Like, do you honk out of anger or do you only honk out of like, oh my God, this guy's about to hit me?

I honk in my head. See, and it is Gilbert Gottfried. I'll honk out, I'll honk with you. Angrily? It depends. If you're at a four way stop and everyone keeps going, would you be like, hey, I'm going now. No, no.

I honk out of, I try to do like a really, really light tap if I see like a light changed and somebody is clearly texting or something. I'm like, I'm not in a huge rush, but I just want to like, let them know the light screen. So like really, really light. Last week, somebody with like a tractor trailer pulled on from a stop into a lane on a highway. As I was like, I had just merged and there was somebody coming in from my like blind spot and it was insanely dangerous and there was somebody coming in from my like blind spot and it was insanely dangerous

and there's somebody following close behind me. So I had to like, you know, I laid on the horn to like let them know that I was coming. And then I kept laying on it as I passed them because I'm like, that was- You want that to feel bad. Yeah, that was, it was like exceptionally dangerous. So I'll, I can honk out of anger for sure.

What about you? Yesterday, I try not to honk at all. Like I'm just completely silent. But yesterday, me tried to merge to the left, a car to the right tried to merge to the right and it was occupying the same lane. And I didn't see him because he must've been like a little behind me and trying to go into the lane.

So like we almost hit each other, but I just got into the lane and he honked at me. And I'm like, we both have the right of way to the lane. Like someone's going to get the lane. Yeah. And now we both try to get into it at the same time. And then he's like honking at me. I'm like, I honk at you too then. If you think I was wrong, open lane, I didn't see you, that's true. You're right to honk at me for that. But it wasn't a honk of like, whoa, watch out. It was like a, hey, hey, it was me, honk, honk. I'm like, sorry.

At empty lane had my name on it, dude. Yeah, what are the rules there if two people are going into the same lane? Like you almost both have to back out? I think the person that's ahead has the right of way. Ahead? Because you have- And if it's like equal?

If it's equal then you have to look to the left and I think- He would look to the right and then you would both like see- Yeah, and you see that you're- yeah, if you see you're gonna collide then you would bail out. I don't think I would like commit to going, But if you were ahead and he was in your blind spot and you saw him backing out, then maybe it's fine. He honked and he was mad at me. Yeah, I don't think he had a right to be mad. Yeah, but at the same time.

Maybe he was scared. Maybe you're just afraid, like taking it out on me. That's what my honk is basically. Other people are mad at me and I'm just like, try to like re-examine what things brought you here. Like maybe you're not so mad at me. And even if I did mess up, that's fine too. People make mistakes.

I shouldn't have done that. There should be an apology. I got to reprogram to just yell out, you must be going through something. Or I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. Obviously we're all trying our best here, but there's a lot of fast moving cars. No accident, no problem.

We should have different buttons. Yes. Have you taken, last question, then we really gotta go. Have you taken a Waymo slash would you take a Waymo self-driving car? Oh, I guess it depends. I would depend on where I was going. I don't think I would want to take it like to the airport.

Because you fear it. Yeah, a little bit. I don't think I would take it with like Jillian. You think it's too risky? Yeah, I would take it across town by myself. See what's up. I think like if it's a self-driving car, like that's better risky? Yeah, I would take it across town by myself. See what's up. I think like if it's a self-driving car, like that's better than a human, right? Like humans make mistakes.

Machines usually don't. Yeah. No, I've definitely had Uber drivers that were like watching TV on their phones and like gotten in taxis where they, yeah, where people are absolutely insane. Right. I've gone in taxis where the, yeah, where people are absolutely insane. Right. Um, people are high when they're driving you for sure. So yeah, no, I've, I've been in more dangerous driving situations than a self-driving car, but I think it would be hard for me to relax.

But maybe at first and then as we get more and more used to it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure it's, this is the exact type of thing that I'll probably be like very fine with in like 10 years. I'll like request a car and if it's a driver, no, I won't care. Yeah, it'll be like how there was manual cars and automatic cars. Now it'll be like self driving cars and cars you actually have to drive. Oh, sorry, man. I thought you were a robot. How's your day going? Oh, I don't know how to drive cars. I only know how to sit in automatic cars that drive themselves.

Yeah, actually I would be kind of interested to sit in a self-driving Waymo with just a guy that was like the car operator in case it needed to get overridden. Hmm, interesting. So an autopilot setting, that's almost like a Tesla. Yeah. Teslas have that autopilot.

I hate riding a Tesla's though. Why? I don't know, there's something about them that makes me dizzy. Interesting. And if you get into a Tesla, is your internal monologue be like, uh oh, I'm kinda dizzy right now.

Oh, that's interesting. If I'm dizzy, I think my internal monologue is just like, Whoa, Whoa, you know, no voice, just noises. It's very blank up there. I don't understand how anybody has like, a voice would stress me out so much. Not if it's your own voice or Or is it all just the same? We're all thinking thoughts and some people call it a voice

and some people not. It's impossible to prove. Yeah, I guess so. But I think it's different. All right. Do you have an internal voice? Don't let us know. I can't do anything with that information.

You don't care. Yeah. Yeah, it's hard to explain. I can barely understand if I do. So I don't need any more information. Yeah. Yeah, it's hard to explain. I can barely understand if I do. So I don't need any more information than that. This is our last episode before our live show. So if you're in Philadelphia on Friday and New York on Saturday,

tickets might still be available at headgum.com slash live. Right on. I gotta write some poems for those shows. Yeah, dude. They're gonna be fucking insane. I wanna make like... They're gonna be blue. I wanna make everyone cry and sort of hard. It's gonna be an erotic poem about coming in depth.

It'll make PCP look like Molly or whatever the hell you said. That was so fucking offensive. Yeah, right. And for more of us, you can check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. We're talking about the Premier League. We're watching Jake and Amir videos. We're occasionally writing Jake and Amir videos. That's true. It's very true. Talking Tottenham, talking shop. It's all going down on patreon.com slash J.A. Thank you for listening.

Thank you for watching. And we'll be back on patreon.com slash J.A. Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching. And we'll be back on Monday. Bye, everybody. See you then.