If I Were You - 470: Sex in the Dark (w/Caleb Hearon and Shelby Wolstein!)

Episode Date: January 11, 2021

Friends and new Headgum podcasters Caleb and Shelby are on the Zoom discussing hair loss, vegetarians, and having sex in the dark. For more Caleb and Shelby check out KEEPING RECORDS on Headgum!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

this is a headgum original surge dude scared of the boogie man surge I heard a fucking noise dude don't even say it's like the house I'm fucking scared surge man let's play fucking peekaboo my chick is sending text to some other dude and I don't really think I know what to do all last full-life advice from these two coy juice all because they're the host of it my will you where'd you go surge oh there you are that amused me surge that's it that's the theme song what do you guys think what is surge

okay it's gonna take a lot right no you're not an idiot it was a running bit for like 18 episodes in 2016 we barely get it now I was thinking about surge the other night yeah I do is it about the drink it's based on an actual guy Jake and I met and I don't know how the bit became just we're doing that like weird voice and it was like yeah I don't know you was like you were a boring child or something you're like yeah I just want to like do crayons with you dude like yeah like a frass boy who's also in kindergarten that's yeah you can hear like hey surge dude let's play peekaboo so like it's like that is the joke so I

don't know where you are when I put my hands over your eyes surge yeah I don't have object permanent search so basically I thought it was good but I do wish they had kept the line from the original song these chicks all on me like they want to hold hands I think nice okay I was gonna I was gonna ask you guys do you know what that was a parody of but Caleb you do know D12 my band nice wow D12 straight up D12 you guys know yeah yeah yeah dirty dozen that's right I definitely I didn't even know that really and I'm old well I'm 50 you look incredible 50 no it goes to my head and he keeps bragging about it goes to

my head I don't have a skincare routine I'm 50 and I look 12 before we even introduce our guest but just know that it's Caleb and Shelby that was written by Andrew Andrew Cook is who it was it was a my band Eminem intro monologue which you wanted to do ever since you heard the surge episode and if you end up playing it I guess plug my Twitter which is the Cookster 9 there you have it all right he's wanted to he's wanted to make this song since he first heard the episode which you said was 2016 wow yeah this could be an old email is this a new email did did did he just get around to it or did you just find they

he sent it two days ago okay all right he really just got around to it I love that wait a fucking follow through Caleb Shelby friends lovers and new headgum podcast whoa I don't so true two of those things are true so true about us yeah oh two truths and a lie oh I'll three truths and no lies I didn't I see no lies hey Caleb get rid of one and then it's just us the pictures of us four on a zoom or something so get rid of one you have to get rid of one get rid of one what just like one of us four right now you kick us off the fucking podcast oh I'm here he left not a problem at all can we get his screen

actually left he's the host now he's pacing a little visual gags which is great great for podcasts I don't know if you guys are here for podcast tips and tricks but Jake and I have been doing this yeah we've been doing it for seven years if you have any any need for advice let us know we are over the surge bit if you guys want yeah that could be yours yeah anything else that we've sort of cast aside that they can have we used to say seize the cheese a lot so that can be yours yell that at me in the street sometimes yeah see the cheese me don't stop by the way I love it yeah I'll die inside if someone stops the

keeping records podcast right that's the that's the title of the show new show on the headcom network how many episodes are out let's say this comes out on Monday in five days from now that would be for yeah we'd have four episodes out but we've recorded 700 we record six a day every day and that's in case we never get bored yeah so you guys are good for a couple years like a decade I think that's awesome like damn yeah we like to do it that way we've recorded we haven't put out we've recorded Brock Obama release release it we always got keep forgetting that we do that you guys got fucking Obama that's amazing well we

try and release based on when people are in the news so we're gonna release always crazy that's why we're putting out he's not gonna do anything crazy that's Obama's whole fucking thing right but as soon as he does we have a podcast I we recorded Candace Cameron beer in Karen what who can just Cameron the older sister from and that yeah I know you can't it's camera but what was the be word after what you say can I think can it yeah Pavel Murray but you said beer yes that's her name yeah that's her married name yeah that's that's actually and then her brother what was his whole deal he's yeah so they're

coming out we're doing a joint episode with them so we did Candace Cameron beer Kirk Cameron and Barack Obama those are you're like those are three hundreds again seven hundred just the ones that are worth talking about our Kirk yeah well Kirk's always in the news Brock kind of stays out of things now but makes a point of the biggest news from Barack lately was that he nailed a three-pointer that was yeah that's what I fix democracy he it's swished and then everything got better after that it was like a fucking hasn't gotten more since insane that was very boring though he went he went pretty deep on community

organizing yeah fucking and you called him out on it yeah cuz I was like tell us tell us about Marilyn Monroe you know presidents always have a story about Marilyn Monroe you interrupted one point you said Barry none of this is usable right didn't you say that's yeah president yeah cuz he was talking about the importance of like civility and like what am I gonna do with you to have fun it's really important I mean we're recording this now as democracy burns terrorists have taken over the Capitol and you're sort of pooing the idea of civil liberties organization doing the right thing you're saying that's like a

boring outcome I guess I guess that's true though and what if Candace Cameron beer talk about oh my god her episode is crazy she's so smart she's her brother's into religion and they do this like crazy I don't want to call it an act but it's kind of like like the magician and his assistant but no way she's the magician he's the assistant they did a really cool poster for it where they they're standing back-to-back classic girl and he but the act is like she's doing nuclear physics and and he's just right a reading scripture why is that an act that's not magic oh it works it's like it's like when you line up the

record to the Wizard of Oz or whatever it's the same right the way that's a different no it is you'd have to you haven't listened to the podcast yet yeah it makes you believe in God it'll make so much sense it's gonna blow your mind oh they did the same episode if you ever had a really beautiful interaction with a stranger never that's how it will see then you wouldn't understand that that's right that yeah that sucks for you you've never had a beautiful interaction with no what would I I do my best to ask to myself my headphones are on a hood over my head I'm not I'm not talking to anybody I'm not even like

saying hi to a person who's like serving me I'm just like pointing to the menu and this is like pre-pandemic stuff pandemic anyway actually I know everything he says okay it could be prefaced with that's just your opinion we know that all right all right this is an advice show people have been emailing us not knowing that you two are on they just think that me and Jake are dispensing our wisdom little do they know Caleb and Shelby will be here sort of providing an alternative point of view Jake and I are pretty young hip liberal cool little teenage types and then Caleb and Shelby come in here and

we're all for Reagan right Amir were you a Reagan voter not this yeah not this election but I did turn 20 yeah I mean I'm I'm down I'm cool I'm kosher I'm whatever the kids say and Caleb and I I feel like we're all in all the same wavelength Shelby's also kind of like we're all hip kosher yeah we're all cool kosher hip young dudes living in LA I think you are really yeah I'm 46 Caleb I'll be 42 Shelby's dad 43 my birthday is this month mine too no one's talking about that when what's your what day oh my god what if it's the fucking same are you kidding me with that I'll change it you say first okay it's in the

teens oh yeah what a fun time you're an Aquarius though no I'm not an Aquarius are you is that like the tail end of January are you like the 30th yeah yeah no I'm the 24th that's my dad's birthday that's pretty good don't lie to me don't I swear I swear to G I don't know your dad was an Aquarius he's not he's a fucking Capricorn Caleb's lying he's trying to tear us apart because like he knows that a query I and Leo's honestly Caleb just might not know we have never seen something like this in our democracy the way that Amir is lying on the podcast right now I haven't been very is so Caleb's a Capricarius

Amir is a Capricorn Jake what are you Leo a Leonard then I already know we don't have the same birthday because I'm a Gemini you're a tour yeah yeah you're a four tourist after she said actually it brings us to our first sponsorship for tourists no there's no lag yeah you guys should be able to hear each other very clearly it's going directly from your mouth to God I'm saying Taurus I had my ideas when you have a good that's the number one rule of improv when you have a good idea do not let it go that's just my opinion all right so Caleb Shelby don't know if you guys know this but these are real emails written by

real people we just need to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity Shelby why don't you give us a fake female name for this female writer Raquel that's really cool Caleb last name first one that came to mind can't say why you said you want me to do the last name yeah Jardinero rocker that rocks Raquel Jardinero that's awesome Jardinero and Marinera it's Chicago pepper mixed Chinese yes that's right Raquel Jardinero right have your fans make a song about that I've been yeah they will yeah don't worry don't ask them don't tempt

them don't fucking do it I swear okay she writes I've been dating a coworker for the past three months and she only likes to have sex in pitch black I've respected her preference and haven't pushed back too hard on the issue but I want to be able to see something while we're mushing privates she has expressed that it's because she's self-conscious and doesn't want to see her quote flaws I do my best to always compliment her and try to make her feel sexy but there's little to no progress anyway my question is how do I get her to be a little bit more comfortable with a little light in the bedroom thank you and namaste love

Raquel Jardinera Jardinera have you guys ever experienced such a thing a pure pitch black sleeping buddy slash are you slash are you are you a pitch black sex buddy it's almost impossible to be pitch black yeah got a window light leak yeah yeah they're blackout curtains with like the yeah the on the inside and outside the comforter draped over the window yeah it's a house that's being fumigated it's absolutely a sensory deprivation chamber to fuck yeah okay that actually sounds fucking red yeah that sounds yeah I want to fucking zero gravity yeah that's really cool that's

actually really dope like a vomit comet but instead of vomit it's sex and instead of a comet it's calm okay now I can't stop thinking about fucking in zero gravity yeah so here's my thing about this about Raquel Jardinera's issue two things number one you're getting laid be grateful number two you said mushing our parts together that's what's making her uncomfortable she's uncomfortable because you are saying much because you're as much as you want but once you say mushing private she's done want to see that she's fucking you because what you've done and she may be a coward but you're a sex pervert yeah what's worse

that's my what's worse the pervert I think yeah how about this question on a scale of one to one hundred I like to quantify things like this one being pitch black can't see anything it's a cave you're five miles below the earth surface and on the other hand a hundred bright white lights you're emerging from a cocoon it's blindingly white what's the goat number of luminosity for getting it on what honey wait fucking fucking in a CVS in a goddamn wall on it yeah I want to look like I'm fucking getting it on in a Ralph's frozen food section I want it to look like the end of hurt locker it's just bright white

I don't mush my parts for anything less thank you thank you thank you I'll say zero straight dark oh so you pretend it's whoever you want if you do it that way you just because this person of being a fucking pervert and now you're just diving right in also I said one two hundred but it wasn't because it wasn't the sex in the no he accused her of being a coward that's right yeah yeah this person's a coward yeah the rock hell's a sex pervert yeah Caleb's also a coward I'm a coward okay I'm a coward and if I'm fucking in the dark I can use my imagination to make it even better than it is oh that's cool sometimes it's just me that's awesome yeah so so you're you're you prefer pitch black what about Shelby are you also prefer

a little I think I'm gonna go with a pitch black it feels weird to pick a number that's not zero or a hundred I'll say that like if it's weird to be like 23 yeah I understand 23 is very nice that's kind of where I'm thinking the low light from the clurb when you like walk around the corner you're in the bathroom line there's a strobe hitting a mirror somewhere very yeah but I feel like once I say 23 you know I've given it thought and that's what's gross to me so I'm like okay well we have to go zero or a hundred and at that point I do say zero the ideal is not thinking about it at all yeah but what if you if you want to know that I did think about it it was 23 the number 23 the funniest thing to say would be 69 as you know thank you for coming to my comedy class basically

I'm here to put on a clinic finally someone got the right answer what's 69 when when when are you ever in the brightness of a 69 in terms of lightness yeah high school it's like a it's a high school classroom end of the day oh that's good nice magic golden yeah I'm not saying it's hot I'm just saying that's with the lighting I'm just saying my mom hasn't picked me up yet and I want to do my geometry homework before she gets here so I can just fucking chill out at home yeah and the light of that energy is the 69 lighting a teacher 2020 that's what you just described classroom into the day a teacher 12-minute episodes nobody the other thing I was going to say is like next time next time you're done having sex you like get up to go to the bathroom and you just have to like jack your foot against a

nightstand really really bad so it's like this is actually dangerous we can't we can't do this yeah or keep missing keep missing oh that's good and then be like I'm sorry I'm so lost it's so dark and then be like if this is gonna be good we've gotta look yeah missing like the whole yeah the mushing you can miss the bush that's my that's my knee that's my elbow out one second I can't you just have to start yelling body part be like oh my god and then you're like oh it's so hard with no light we need light yeah it doesn't have to be true I mean you do need to be able to see something like a candle that's it's like four four out of a hundred five out of a hundred you can at least compromise you need to roll something you look you're you'll look good that's like really really

low light you know that's like just you can see contours yeah shapes more than anything else that's good why did rock l tell us they were co-workers I'm realizing that that is really a hot for didn't thing that like might color our answer yeah that's messy wanted us to know how hot it was yeah have you guys have you guys have you guys ever messed with that or um relationship the co-worker hooking up situation almost exclusively in a way Caleb you're blushing my face is beat red I've never been more embarrassed I'm gonna I should see his feet they're shaking he's trembling waking right now he's fucking sweating it's messy when I worked at um chase bank the CEO David chase whoa that's the guy who fucking made the wire yeah he's also the CEO of chase bank

we um we fucked around a little bit that's awesome in the vault what's the light like no that's not funny um we would never play that's a massive security breach David to lose his job do we no we didn't let his apartment he lives in an apartment well when he's fucking the interns yeah it's his fuckpad it seems like yeah the CEO of a bank plus the show run over a very successful television show should have at least two homes not a one-bed room at least one fucking David Simon I think oh is that what it is which who did what did David chase do I feel like he's a he's a tv guy I thought he did the sopranos am I crazy is that what it is yeah no that makes sense that's correct David Chase's soprano what he did was fuck Caleb and that's that's the coolest yeah what he did

was have really messy sex with Caleb let's get that out and I don't even want to say how it was messy emotionally and like in the physical sense yeah it's physically messy love sauce okay so you keep you keep sort of mentioning it a little bit you say I don't want to get into it I don't want to talk about it that he's that was basically got it that's it that's all I'll say I don't want to talk about this okay so you don't let's talk about it but suffice it to say it was yeah dessert sauce chocolate kind of stuff you put on Sunday so specific so that is suffice to say yeah this is all suffice to say whipped cream yeah normal stuff yeah this is just Caleb's opinion by the way yeah David Chase might have a different opinion of what happened yeah it might not have been very

weird yeah like all opinions are his own buffalo sriracha I mean it just gonna depending on what everyone was in the mood for but you would call sriracha a dessert sauce no I'm saying it varied sometimes it was dessert sauce sometimes it was dinner sauce a one Heinz 57 yeah well he's a sauce guy everyone knows that but I want to get into it what's next you've gotten so far you told us what kind of sauce you like to fuck with yeah I don't want to talk about it yes you do you definitely do I got it that's enough it's just put on a fucking eye mask or ask the light a candle that's the advice shall we shall we just text me you need to get off the sauce this is out of control wow no she actually said you need to get off the sauce because it's obvious you're completely wasted

during a fucking really important podcast really important podcast this is like this is all we have this year this is career changing for us yeah we're triple a okay that's that's like a banner thing situation that's happening our landlord just sent a triple a card to our house for himself why that's true yeah why don't they keep it too and then you had to pick it up and it was such a disaster it was a whole anyway good for him he's he's triple a gold he's an optometrist also so you can see how that happened if you guys have any car trouble call our landlord yeah he'll come pick you up I love triple a I'm a big fan of triple a they're great let's uh let's take a break so we can thank some sponsors and um and we'll be back on the other side of these messages nice

thank you to aura frames for sponsoring this head gum podcast you know aura frames is sponsoring not just this episode but the entire head gum network Jake wow that's correct I mean this might be the goat father's day gift I think it actually is yeah yeah not just father's day but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon these digital photo frames might be the best of all time yeah for me personally these things are perfect I'll tell you why as you know I am expecting yeah uh my first child we got one for Jill's parents oh wow we got one for Jill's grandma holy smokes we got one for my parents so there are three of these bad boys uh in our family right now but they are they're great really easy way to like stay in touch with your family you can

upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen it's really nice oh that's cool so you take a photo of anything perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo yeah frame this is actually how we how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant we got her the aura frame we plugged it in Jill's grandma was pregnant really nice asshole this was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit like uh this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant yeah yeah kind of like a she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way by the way Jill's Jill's grandma is pregnant oh my god Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant it's pretty cool

and you told me with a digital photo frame holy smokes and we let her know with an aura yeah thank you the aura announcement uh so you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app add me to your aura app I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny yeah like your banana your dog alongside pictures of my daughter yeah yeah exactly even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame yeah it's a great gift a really really iconic gift and right now you can save on the perfect father's day gift and visit aura frames that's a u r a frames dot com and our listeners can use code

head gum to get up to 30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames there it is oh wow this is timely the deal ends on june 18th so don't wait terms and conditions apply that's aura frames a u r a frames dot com okay go get your parents something all right and use the code head gum for 30 off plus free shipping thank you aura and now back to the head gum podcast you were listening to this show is sponsored by better help thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist especially one in your area but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy

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done entirely online but you're still getting professional licensed help uh and it's extra affordable that's better help h e l p dot com slash if i were you check them out thanks better help and we're back uh Caleb and or Shelby do you to have any they're pointing at each other to see who's gonna go first i'll be happy to go first want me to dive in yeah and say something that everyone on here is too scared to say okay whoa everybody needs to go vegetarian i did it five days ago i'm feeling more superior yes five days you could never have you guys know i went vegetarian when i was nine years old and haven't had meat since so this is good that it's coming from cable but in fairness she's only nine

years and four days old that's true whoa so i've been doing it longer and i look terrible and you've got 50 years 50 years of eating meat so you know what you're talking about she got skin like smoked gouda yeah honestly it's harder for you it's harder for you Caleb because you know how good it is like shelby you haven't had meat your whole life it's kind of like cheating or whatever oh i had it i have it like not really yeah what do you know when you were nine you know everybody yeah you don't know my favorite food you're asking was lamb lamb high class that's a refined palette as a game meat thank you i ate chicken nuggets until i was 30 well that's on you that's awesome though yeah you should have been talking to my dad i don't know what to tell you i was don't

worry don't worry about that oh they were talking jake and scott they were on the phone constantly but constantly i'm better than everybody uh because i haven't eaten meat in a week and everyone else should be doing this too if i have to do it what what was the um what was the motivation what was the impetus to give up meat well i'll tell you what it wasn't it wasn't animal rights i people who's the whole thing in 2021 is animal rights i cannot believe it for me it was definitely no shouldn't you're right it can't be your whole thing in 2020 it can't be your number one care about it no one's saying it can't be like your whole part of your thing a thing yeah you can have a thing but if that's if it's even the biggest thing you need to find god

and get some help Kirk Cameron style right now i don't know would you prefer someone's whole thing be having found god or animal rights between the two i think if you genuinely found god then that would encapsulate a bunch of things that actually matter like human rights if you genuinely found animal rights what do we get a dog lives in a warm house there's a lot of people that would say they genuinely found god that don't give a shit about human rights yeah but they didn't they're wrong wait so what is it i'm in charge of the simulation what what made you give it up then but you clearly don't give a shit about animals you clearly don't give a shit about humans you don't even like shelby so like what the hell's going on here i love animals okay so i i had food

poisoning on new years and swore off burgers until now no here's the real deal okay i've been doing a bit i mean i've been being a little obnoxious let me just slow it down and be honest with you guys thank you shelby's a vegetarian she can do it i should i really look up to her for it because she's she's healthier than i am and i thought look i live with this positive influence she makes incredible vegetarian meals and then i don't eat them and instead i order you know 20 chicken wings so good and i'm instead now i'm gonna eat i'm gonna eat broccoli and shit like that how's it been going so far he's not eating a single thing i've cooked i hate it it's really bad i'm ordering like Thai food with like just the spicy noodles with no chicken yeah it sucks that's

i was vegetarian i was vegetarian at one point when i first moved to new york and every single day i just got a huge like eggplant parmesan yes you gotta find your little thing that you would have eaten before anyway yeah and just be like this is great vegetarian all right i'm i'm being healthy now but that's my advice for everybody stop being sinful stopping selfish uh you know stop eating meat and be a vegetarian like me okay so i'm gonna quit in this we're recording yeah recording this on wednesday by the time this podcast comes out on monday you'll have eaten what a full turkey a chicken nuggets seven he's definitely got me uh you rustic in chicken oh god man you rustic in chicken wings in los angeles california oh they know what they're doing over

there really i promise you by the time this podcast drops i will have gone on a car ride with him to you rustic in to pick up some wings and they will have given me meat chili they take care of your boy over there they take care of your boy they have vegan chili we ask for it they give me meat chili and calob the most perfect wings he could ever ask for yeah that's awesome they take care of the kid all right now i'm hungry shelby what's your unsolicited um my advice is if you're lost physically in a space um don't move and your friends will find you or your family that's pretty good you're never supposed to move because when you're moving it's like you guys can constantly be missing each other then you're both you're both moving targets but

if you it's like that scooby-doo sequence yeah when they go in and out of the doors so if you're a lot if you lose your friends you're never going to be in a public place ever again so this advice is moot but i was thinking about it earlier um because i was watching a show where someone gets lost and then they like go around the city trying to find their friends and it's like why the fuck would you do that now they're never going to know where you were because the first place they're going to look is where they last saw you right so though you'll never have to do it again because we live in our homes and only our homes um if ever you are in public and you get lost stay put have you ever been lost separated from your friends and not able to find them

yeah tell them tell them when i don't know tell jake and amir when well just for context i'm thinking of the time that i really was a moving target and that was in africa right was that what you were thinking yeah okay i was in africa and i thought i was in michigan so i was very lost bless you kaleb sneezing kaleb sneezing so we have to pause the pod covid keep telling your story i don't want this to be about me that was a fake sneeze yeah he doesn't like when i chew oh god are you sick kaleb are you okay no i don't want to do this i haven't been feeling great but yeah oh my god i don't want to get into it go out and get him something chicken wings or something

yeah no problem um this was fun though so whatever in seriousness oh her headphones are off she walked away from the table we might not remember to talk about it now it's mostly chest congestion congestion what i've been having but i am fine shall be your story you're in africa you're in africa i don't want to get into it so i'm in africa and i will make this short because it is a long story but i um i was supposed my mom worked at a school in malawi and i was volunteering for like a couple weeks and it was i went on to run an errand and i couldn't bike back by sundown which is like the rule and so the other volunteers got me a bike taxi and then went and got on their bikes and when they turned around to get on their bikes he took off with me on the bike and we went the other

direction and i was gone for like a day and um i kept going with this guy because i didn't know what else to do and um uh it took them a really long time to find me and then eventually i had to find my way back to the school and that's and then i they were all gone looking for me i was like well i guess i just have to sit here and wait till they all get back but it does seem like that's the that's almost the move is like go back to the go back to the home base home base right well like if you just sit out there and like in the middle of nowhere they might not have found you you know well if i went back to where we got the bikes that's possible but if i if i like got off the bike with this guy which i was too scared to do and then was just like i guess i'll stay here yeah

that would have been bad because they don't know where that is but i guess like if you're at like a lala palooza and you're like seeing one show your friends go you someone gets a water then you can't find them you can't find them you don't know where they are don't go to another stage don't go to where you think they went and got water just stay where you were this whenever me and my friends went to like when we would go to festivals we'd be like we all if we get separated we meet here you know like you have to have that meeting spot up ahead of time so i guess that is a home base huh maybe maybe i change my advice to have a home base always no matter what always but then it has to be in malawi go to the home base early like you know you could be like where

no one's here i have to go to home base but like if you just stood there for five more minutes you know like maybe maybe they'll find you there maybe they'll find you there yeah i mean your home base always has to be in malawi that seems like yeah it's not practical like okay i'm at the fucking mall and i lost my dad and now i have to fly to malawi and hope that he'll find you at the school did i say malawi or did you just know that i guessed it so yeah okay you did not guess it she said it it's my favorite yeah place in africa proper i think is malawi really where is it on that's awesome like on a map yeah where is it on the map it's right there in the middle right where it's like near see the middle ish it's like you said you're committing to middle ish does it touch

me water does is it is it on the coast or is it landlocked you better believe it touches some water for sure i don't know if it touches this is actually as close to correct as a mirrors bin because lake malawi oh yeah i mean there's there's lake there's lake malawi which is where i spend every summer growing up and then there's like a bunch of like that's crazy summer yeah we used to like get a lake house in malawi and like just that was our that was summer july you'd have us like it sounds super fucked up yeah it was sounds like sounds like something was going on this it was just me it was just me that my parents would sort of flick me towards yeah just like sort of weirder walk me onto an airplane headed towards malawi you know lake malawi for this summer you

used to be able to do that you guys remember yeah this was before 9-11 you guys weren't born yet everyone used to be cool about shit like that but then we got real that's when people dressed up for a flight yes exactly good old days i used to wear a zoot suit for flight at age eight and head down for the summer of fedora and a clove cigarette wondering if a nine-year-old let me tell you if a nine-year-old in a zoot suit gets on any plane i'm on i'm deplaning that's a that's a that's a terrorist that's someone that's being used let me be clear if a nine-year-old in a zoot suit smoking a clove gets on a plane i'm on i'm asking to switch seats with whoever his seatmate is i want to know the kid ew you want to be the best pals with the kid

absolutely weird but you got to admit it's weird if a kid if a kid in a fancy suit gets on and you go up to their seat partner and go can i please train you please no fucking way this is my kid as in that's your son i don't know chubby starts crying you don't know how about i fucking need this please how about this how about this for unsolicited advice listen to your new headcomb podcast what can you tell us about keeping record let's talk about it i know jake and i are in an episode that should be online you guys didn't tell us we were gonna have to yeah okay if you want jake can pitch it for you as a quick elevator pitch you got when this what we're doing now comes out

your episode of keeping records will be out great that's so true it comes out that's great it comes out our came out right our episodes come out every friday it's basically a podcast if you guys are listening right now let me just be real with you for a second can we just like tell them like let's cut through the noise let's tone down the rhetoric reach across the aisle yeah let's reach across the aisle and let's trim the fat and just get to the meat of the issue which is let's get down to brass tacks shall we which is in 1977 nasa sent the golden records up to space voyager one and voyager two and on it they put i mean god you can't even guys images sound songs from earth anything that aliens might find greetings in different languages a message from president jimmy

carter who famously didn't bother anybody sold his peanut farm to be president didn't want to look like he was conflicted and that was all on the original records and the idea was that if the aliens the aliens any aliens ever found it yeah they would understand what life was like on earth straight queer purple polka dots doesn't matter any aliens can understand life on earth that's what we said very well that's what they said nasa right in 1977 so anyway we're doing a podcast now where we examine what's on the original records and then we have on friends and we just talk about what they would put on new records if we sent them into space today because let's be clear some of this stuff on the original record is a little outdated and we're being cute when we say friends i

mean some of the people are friends but some of them are world leaders foreign dignitaries yeah yeah some of them are so much cooler than us but some of them are brock brock camera and uh yeah between me jake and your other friends you got three four episodes on right now oh something like that here's a fourth episode hell yeah jake and amir's episode we solve um the john bennett ramsey case so you guys gotta tune it yeah and we told the news not to publicize it until the podcast goes live we have that it was almost like a random accident we like stumbled upon kind of a written confession it was so yeah bizarre at the time made a joke and then googled something and when he googled it we found like this it was so weird like an fdp of all this evidence

yeah he's running an instagram account where he pretty much owns up to it so he feels really bad though for what it's worth but we get into that you'll have to listen because you'll get it's like you can't hold him accountable now because he really was curious yeah he tried so hard you're curious you were so hard yeah i'm yeah but i i browned out so i'm wondering what the fuck happened why uh sweet yes it's so hard uh great new podcast thank you so much for having us on thanks for being part of head gum uh and if you guys are digging this episode you'll love the keeping records podcast check it out mm-hmm yes we got one more question from another lady calib why don't you give this one a fake name so that we can refer to her as something a little silly

gramantha huh what gramantha it's a mix between glamour and samantha gramantha okay last name shall be patrol gramantha control come on down so kim cattrall's wacky sister glamantha cattrall well kim cattrall's character with samantha she was glamorous glamantha control really we're on the same page it's very well okay thank you glamantha writes my husband and i have been married for years and he is the goat when he was younger he had very thick hair and as he has gotten older it's starting to thin out i can see it starting to get more self-conscious about it he is starting to get more self-conscious about it uh by how he's been styling it i don't have a problem if he goes bald uh but i know this used to be a source of pride

for him i know that there are treatments we can get shout out to keeps but i do not want to think that i think he should get it done and thus feel more self-conscious about it so is there any way i can bring it up to this to him while making sure he doesn't feel uncomfortable at all thank you love glamantha look you obviously want him to get it done i mean you're not like agonizing sending out letters to jake and amir glammy bring it up glammy it's gonna be fine uh yeah nobody ever writes a letter to anybody else because they're worried about someone else feeling any type of way even if your husband doesn't go you know you might your husband's you don't sit down to pen a letter you don't sit down to pen a letter unless it's bother it's eating your heart yeah you don't

sit down to pen a letter let me start there this was a and this was a handwritten letter this came to our p.o box right uh everyone here has pretty good hair but do you guys have plans if things go south kaleb you gotta you got a thick full head are you assuming that that sticks around forever or do you have his god no he talks about it all the time i literally every day to shelby i'm like do you think i'm balding because my hair is i want it to stay i would get that laser treatment where they try to make it grow back and i would have no shame about it i would tell people yeah i think i would so okay i don't know about that one that's not the transplant one right that's uh that's a different situation no i think this is what lebron first tried for lebron you really

shouldn't be that rich and talented and not have hair like and he's trying you know like he wants i mean whatever he did worked yeah it's working well the thing is if you're lebron at that point just just well but it's embarrassing that we saw the journey do you know what i mean the headband started moving further back did the same thing where it was like no we saw you losing your hair when it came back we knew what you did you're too big to do that undercover yeah that's the that's the thing you got to keep it so like am i if i haven't started yet do i should i just fucking go full throttle right now and start taking medication just to sustain this but i'm sort of taking a risk because there's side effects and maybe it'll be naturally

finest enough that i won't have to so i don't know i think i mean you're don't they do like those serums for men now like hymns or whatever where you do the droppies and then it's like there's no side effect you're just kind of yeah that feels like snake oil yeah that seems fake anything that you can just rub into your head and say your hair will come back it feels like oh if you you got to see my collection of hair oils and wow you'll say a different you'll sing a different tune wow another thing that gloming out that needs to consider is that look for example if your husband is physically cut built hot body doesn't matter doesn't need hair vendezel vendezel the rock and you don't even have to be hot michael michael chiclas normal average looking dude

bruce willis they look great because bruce willis okay is he like a good guy do we know i feel we seem fine remember at the beginning of quarantine when it came out that he was like quarantining with demi moir and his current wife was like i love it like no they were like we're gonna be a family yeah wow i didn't make this up i don't think i think i'm just scared that he has got i was scared that i brought up bruce willis like there's bruce willis and then he was just like a really bad guy and and everyone's like why was he like any like old white male celebrity seems like that could easily be a thing yeah and i think i get bruce willis this is not fair to bruce willis but i get him confused with mel Gibson a lot right that's mel Gibson is like a certifiably bad guy

he's a he's on the on the record bad guy yeah he's like i tell you i'm a bad guy bad guy can't take his hair from him even if you want to that's true actually although there is something awesome about a bald like a bald white guy it's like you can't i've already shaved it and i look good that's it like i've beaten it that seems like the best place to end up i just think if he's not bringing it up glomantha why are you bringing it up to him i think that's what's confusing me she's asking how can we bring this up to him and it's like well let him come to you he is is styling it differently he's clearly insecure but he doesn't want to admit to himself that he's actually balding and doesn't want to do something and like i think some glomantha excuse me

glomantha not saying anything is letting him continue to live the lie that like no one notices but me okay poisonous food poisonous food but in a good way in a good way with the like rogaine or something poison him with food yeah kill him kill him what'd that woman do when she put like what does it the taste like gatorade that woman killed her husband oh it's like antifreeze yeah kill him if you don't want to be involved you gotta kill husband was it boyfriend or husband my husband is the go husband fuck it if you have a husband if you guys are married you can sit down and and talk about anything you got you better be able to you better put the stuff in the food that's put the meds in the food don't say a word you sit down

like you're losing your hair are you okay i think this is what the phantom thread was about vaguely i don't fully remember but i really think that's the exact plot wrap up a hair pill in a cold cut once in a while yeah he starts spitting it out like my dogs used to yeah he sniffs it out for sure really sad thanks i got to the turkey here's your fucking pill put it in a little blob of peanut butter if he wants if he wants your support i'm sure he'll bring it up it's gonna happen eventually he just thinks that he's the only one that notices but if you notice him noticing then you should just be like i notice and then he's and then he then like if he can come clean it's not like he's having an affair he's just like going through

an insecurity that would probably be better for him to talk about with you okay but you're him she's been secretly putting hair growing meds in your food all of a sudden your hair is coming back don't you kind of feel superhuman oh interesting wow you're like wait i beat it and i never had to and it's working he's like holy shit i never had to address this i felt so shitty about it and i'm i'm zoos like he thinks he's benjamin but then he gives all of his friends like advice who are also going bald and doing a comb over yeah he's like you have to style it a little differently you just start to have to have like cold cuts every single morning okay just like roll the hand and a good attitude have a good attitude about it fed to you by your wife also

another solution is shave his head while he's sleeping and then when he wakes up sit him down and explain to him you know look a bunch of people you see in a day wouldn't know if you were wearing wigs so just start wearing wigs and the people who know you can just be cool with it wig wow i don't think i've ever seen a good toupee no they have good ones now they do if you're thinking of two two pays an old man thing they have young man's like styled wigs now my dad is like isn't that a wig Caleb that looks great mine yeah that looks natural yes yeah looks great it's not going anywhere and you have his born with no hair on my body yeah Caleb does shower in his you wow you even did like the five o'clock shadow uh toupee

people buy it more yeah i put on eyebrows eyelashes i did some pubes i'm not scared to tell you guys that i did some pubes sometimes he turns on the razor just to make it sound like he still shaves he just runs it in the bathroom for a little bit what's the name of there's a word for a pubic beard and i can't think of it right now do you guys know what it is um it's like a a monk or a mink or something like that what that's mink mink is a tech show are you about it like a is it jerk wait merkin yes merkin that's right it's a merkin yeah anyway yeah merkin anyway i have that oh i guess a merkin is only a female pubic wig so you can sort of corner the market for the male one and call it i don't know a gherkin oh i guess gherkin is just goes on

its pickle the mom's pubis i mean that's not like male or female right it should be this is 2021 we shouldn't be yeah we should be have a mom's pubis yeah well mom's pubis nice or a dad's pubis nice nice thank you uh all right cool bring it up is your husband he's the goat he can handle it i guess um don't call him that don't call him the goat we don't like it call him anything you want just don't call him late for dinner nice don't say nice to that we're getting silly and it's time to fucking go i hate when we peek at the end like this kaleb shelly uh shelby anything else to promote other than your podcast follow me on social media yeah what are your social media just my full name shelby wolstein great i would also plug shelby social follow that shelby wolstein you can find

content about me there that's true um i recently posted a group of photos that features almost exclusively kaleb by accident exactly and in fact don't follow me at kaleb says things on any platforms i've decided that being followed is gauche um so follow shelby follow jake and amir follow our podcast follow our podcast but leave me out you want all of us to be gauche that's yeah yeah i want you guys to look tacky while i looks cool i was about to say suave makes no sense i could tell you we're gonna say suave well tacky and suave are kind of opposites but i want to look unaffected you know that's cool uh cool all right podcast again is keeping records thank you guys so much for coming on this show uh and thanks to everybody that's been writing in and sending in

their theme songs the email address for anything and everything is if i reshow at gmail.com more content as always churning out weekly videos on our patreon patreon.com slash j a the opening theme song um god what was his name anthony no was it andy cookster nine right wow twitter andrew cook andrew cookster nine the cook that was the cookster damn good memory that's actually a really good knows because he immediately followed him yeah he tweeted uh on january 25th of last year to three likes soup takes so long to eat it's actually bullshit that's really good that's actually bullshit or bullshit oh it would have been so fucking cool if it was b o w l shit no pun intended and no pun made really uh this closing theme song is uh timmy standa fur which

is an original song that he wrote um so thank you to that he can shout we can shout out his music which is on spotify soundcloud and apple under the artist name timmy which is but there's a silent q in there ti q mmy of course of course the q is silent and you can find him on instagram twitter facebook under timmy as well and yes there's a q in there as well and yes it is silent you can't just make too silent it's not tick me uh big love yeah thank you so thank you tick me and thank you to kaleb and shelly and uh thank you to you guys for listening we'll be back next week bye everybody i'm admitting to it i want to drink out of a fucking toilet welcome to if i were you the only podcast by these two it's the only one they host so you better tell everyone that you know

check out another golden mic in hand throw up near another turdy where he stands jeffrey james is there and he's fine i guess i think it would be better if he was on her ass riley anseville on the review review take jeff away from here with you but that's a different head come show right now we're on if i were you show why are we like turning this into like this huge fucking witch hunt this witch hoax it's not a hoax you were saying that you're drinking on the toilet you said you're bobbing for nectarine it's a fucking witch hoax never do it in a witch hoax twice that was a hit dumb original