If I Were You - 472: Valentines Day Gift

Episode Date: January 25, 2021

In this episode we discuss snoozing an email, losing a lover, and using a recipe.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. The only ad by show hosted by these two dudes. Email in your question if you need a hand, and they'll answer the best of them. If I were you, one of them's a chipmunk, the other one's a human. In case it wasn't clear, a mirror is a chipmunk, and J.Crewitz is a human being.

Cease the G's, they'll give you a solution, and watch you run with this. Cease the G's, they'll give you a solution, but they're not done with you. They'll put you on blast, and sometimes you know things get real. So now it's if you, if we, if they, if I were you. Ask for help if you're down on your luck. A mirror likes the Lakers, and Jake likes wine.

Don't kill yourself inside a Starbucks. Whoa. Perfect. Perfect theme song. Roll it again, we can't follow that shit. We can't just do a podcast now. Why? Okay. It peaked in the first fucking 40 seconds.

We don't, we don't get to just have a show. I'm sorry. The theme song can't eclipse the podcast. That's fucked up. I was happy, and now I'm upset. I think that was too good. Okay. That left me with shoes we can't film.

Okay? Do you understand what happened there? Yeah, I thought it was fun. Like it was a song that you would like that would get you in the mood, but instead it just reversed you. It did for a second. Then the opening act just brought down the house, and I, I came out and I have stage fright.

That's not fair. That's not the vibe I wanted. I'm shy. That made me shy. It bashfuled you. If you could believe it. I'm bashed now. That was an actual, it's a parody.

What? Yeah. For a Reliant K song dedicated to Jeffrey James. That's it. Who played the original song as the intro to episode 17 of the Headgun podcast. There you go. Yeah. Yeah.

I was, I was a Reliant K man. For sure. Okay. It's coming back. It's called This Week, The Trend. It's something to plug. So I guess I'll say my band, which I play bass in Zombie Sunday, just dropped a new single called The River,

and you can find it on Spotify, Apple Music, and oh yeah, SoundCloud. So he does have something to plug. Okay. Yeah. Absolutely nothing to plug. So I guess you can just plug this very specific thing that people can go and download, which they should because that was really good.

I liked it. All right. Good work. I'm going to take a quick break from the band Zombie Sunday. All right. Speaking of Zombie Sunday, here we are on a Sunday. Yeah. One of our-

Happy Sunday, bro. This is a Sunday night into Monday morning recording. So it's almost like a live show. Yeah. It's true. It's quite true. Speaking of which, we haven't done a live show in a while. What better time to announce?

We're going to do a few shows in some shut down cities. We're going to find a way to just pack the house, get in there. I want to do LA, Chicago, New York. That's right. Yeah. And then overseas. We found that loophole, the religious loophole. So we're doing, you and I are going to do the Bar Mitzvah tour.

Yeah. We'll be doing our half torres in Chicago and Boston. Yeah. New Orleans, Austin, Seattle. Indoor. Des Moines. Yeah. Indoor's grungy, sweaty grungy ass.

Yeah. Legally, they're funerals, but officially they're comedy shows. So we have to. Funerals. Yeah. Funerals Bar Mitzvah's in weddings. That's what each one is going to be. Yeah.

We have to find. We'll figure it out. I think we have a Briss in Boise. Yes. Yeah. That's not going to be a show though. We're going to figure it out on the day, but just, yeah. That's just a Briss I have to attend in Boise.

Your moonlighting is a moille. An Idaho based moille, if you can believe it. So that'll be the 23rd of July. And then from there, we'll figure it out. I don't know how. What else to say? It'll be fun. It'll be.

It'll be good. The tickets are for sale. Are you coughing a little? Where can they buy the tickets? Oh, mine. And we should. My moille died mid-circumcision. Imagine that.

Imagine a moille so old that he died mid-circ. Yeah. Anything topical happened to you this weekend so we can address it and people feel like they're completely up to date, up to snuff. You know, I'm watching a lot of live sports. So we talk about Man United, their win over Liverpool and the FA Cup. I mean, it's crazy to see the champs play and lose. I believe it was the fourth round.

Wow. That rarely happens. Like the title rarely happens. You see that? Yeah. Sometimes, but not usually. So that was fun. Yeah.

That's crazy. And then who ended up getting the big goal there or the assist, the streamer, the striker, the streamer, the screamer. It was a free kick late in the second half by young Bruno Fernandez. God. Came in with something to prove, a chip on his shoulder, but it turned out to be a ball off the leg. You know what I mean?

It was just an absolute rocket to the upper corner. Yeah. Can you imagine being a goalie where you have to sort of launch your body and then like, they must practice like, all right, you're on grass and now launch your body to the top left and you'll land on your rib cage. Now launch your body to the top right. The penalty kick is always, it's like, that's always just kind of like a gimme. It's like sad if they don't hit that.

Yeah. The goalie is not, there can't really be any, any like real strategy. You have to like stay alert and then like guess at the last second or if like they have a tell, you might be able to get your hands on it. The free kick, I think there's a lot more art to it. Like you've got the people, like the wall, you have your teammate strategically blocking the goalie's view. That's cool.

You have like the guy that's lying down behind everyone's feet so you don't go low on the kick. It's really, it's wild to watch. So it's really fun when those go in because it seems like that's, those things are like the kind of thing you can practice over and over and over. Yeah. Were you rooting for anybody specifically? Yeah.

I've kind of decided I dislike Liverpool. So I like men. Wow. You just, you made that decision without me. Good to know. Well, you stopped giving a shit about the... Yeah, I still would have liked to weigh in on which club you're no longer actually supporting and which club you don't like at all anymore.

So that would, that hurts to hear. It was hard. I always like, I had a soft spot in my heart for Liverpool because I just like, I like this, like the town, but I don't know. It's tough to, it's like tough to root for the Boston Red Sox of England, you know? Yeah. You mean just the color of the red or the fact that they're like partially owned by the Red Sox?

Oh yeah. It's both. All right. No more sneak peeks of our... But men is red too and I like them. No more sneak peeks of our Premier podcast, you know? Like we have to save some stuff for the Patreon after all. That's Patreon only.

Yeah. Will you bring it back? Will you bring it back? I'll bring it back if I actually start watching again. I don't want to fake it till I make it, you know? I have to, I have to actually put my... Yeah. Put my heart into it.

So for now, I can't promise... Why don't we do it just for the last couple weeks of the FA Cup? Oh, is that happening? Yeah. That's not the rest of the Premier League season. Is that happening right now? Yeah. The FA Cup is happening right now.

Yeah. Okay. And it's late. It's like the fit... We're in the fifth round now. Okay. So it's most of the Premier League teams that we know. All right.

Fine. But you have to... Because last I heard that NBC Sports was shutting down their operation. So you have to tell me how to watch these matches. It's ESPN Plus. I'll give you my log. That's illegal. You can watch every single one.

Yeah. Get them. I'm using his... Get them. I'm using his illegal Zoom link right now. Okay. There was a knock at my door, but there's no way that's actually the cops, right? Sorry, I just...

Yeah. They have no other... No way. No way. They're coming down the stairs. And I didn't even use the link yet. I was just told that I could in the future. Just told...

There was a goddamn insurrection two weeks ago. They're coming for me. It's a fucking... What's it? Minority Report Pre-Crime, I think. They just heard that it was in play. Yeah. All right.

Let's try to answer some questions. I mean, this is an advised podcast. After all, the only one on the web hosted by us, I'm Amir. I'm Jake. I spent the day with my father. It was his birthday today, so I feel like I'm in a very sage-wise mood right now. That's nice. I like knowing that.

Happy birthday to Jerome. Yeah. My goodness. Remember when we were on the Keeping Records podcast, Caleb said his birthday was the 24th, and I said, oh, that's my dad's birthday, which stands out. It's Caleb's birthday too, so happy birthday to Caleb and my dad. Wow. Headgun podcast.

I think all your dad would want for his birthday is for folks out there to subscribe to Caleb's podcast, would you say? No. He wanted a hoodie. He wanted specifically a Mack Weldon hoodie that I got. Actually, this is a funny story. I got him. I wore a blue Mack Weldon hoodie around him once, and he's like, oh, I like that sweatshirt.

I'm like, oh, I'll get it for you because his birthday was coming up. And I got him. They didn't have the blue one, so I got him a gray one. You'll notice that I'm wearing the gray one now because he won. He's like, great, give me your blue one. You can have the new one. I'm like, all right, happy birthday. I felt weird because I gave him the switch.

Were you wearing the blue one? He took it off your back. No, I brought it. He literally took it. Before I even came over, he's like, I'd rather have your blue one if that's okay. I'm like, all right, sure. So now I'm wearing the gift that I gave him today because he just wanted my old ass blue hoodie.

So Mack Weldon, if you're listening, we need more blue hoodies. Get on it. Damn. That's so funny. All right. Questions about Valentine's Day, which is coming up. That's right. Topical.

This is a 23-year-old living in Colorado. We'll call him Jamal Murray. I'm a 23-year-old living in Colorado seeking advice about what to do with my girlfriend of nine months, writes Jamal Murray. You think it's a Jenner? It must be a Jenner. I have already bought her some gifts, candles, bubble bath, bath bombs, but I'm unsure about how to plan the special day.

Neither of us feel comfortable eating in restaurants in Denver because of the pandemic. And she lives in an apartment with her nightmare of a roommate who for sure be home because of Valentine's Day is on a Sunday. Huh. Why did I think Valentine's Day was always a Thursday? Did I just make that up? It's always the 14th of February, I guess. Yeah, no, you're just not a romantic.

If you could help me think of a way to make this holiday special for my lady and seize the cheese for us both, I would be very appreciative. Go Lakers, go NADPOD, do a live show in Denver or Eugene where I'm moving for law school. All right. Wow. We have to brainstorm some COVID safe Valentine's Day gifts slash days slash favors. Hmm. Okay.

Okay. I mean, in Denver, it's not hard. What's wrong with a little hike that are some snowshoes? Oh, that's good. Denver's not that cold. Yeah, you could do some outdoor picnic action. Or if it's snowing, you do the hike and then you can eat somewhere else. That's warm, but where do you go?

Because you're inside, outside. How does that work? I mean, a drive. Yeah, a drive, a long drive. That's the move. Long drive, no hike or to a hike. I think you could do either one. I think birthdays, to me, are all about thoughtful planning.

You don't have to have one perfect gift. You just have to have a cascade of thoughtful things. And it sounds like he already has the gifts. So yeah, long drive. Long drive and like every half hour you're in the car, a new gift. You made a coffee. You made a sandwich. You unwrap the, what did he say?

What do you got her? Yeah, he said candles, bubble bath and bath bombs, a lot of bath related. Okay, there you go. I wonder if there's a hot spring you can go to. I think there's a hot spring in Denver. Yeah. I don't know, but like, are these places open? You want like to go to a COVID hotspot like that?

So it's a bunch of people just sort of... No, a natural hot spring out in the woods. Shilling out. You can find your own. It's all outside. It's all outside. It's got to be outside. I'm going to check out the weather right now in Denver.

Because what if it's like eight degrees? Hmm. Obviously this is for Valentine's Day, which is still like three weeks away. Right. But you know, I think like in... Denver is like the mountain, but you go into... You go into Boulder. That's your shit.

You've got the Rockies kind of blocking all of the cold weather. You know, it's a little enclave. That's cool. So you get like a Mitsubishi enclave. You take it on a long drive. You're sort of surprising. You set an alarm for every 30 minutes. And then you give her a new gift every 30 minutes.

Hey, here's a bath bomb. Hey, here's a candle. Hey, here's a shrimp toasty. What's a shrimp toasty? I've never heard of that. It's like this weird Australian salad. It's like chicken salad with shrimp on it. Actually, I left it in the back seat.

Hold on. Grab the wheel, baby. Oh, fuck. No, the toasty. Suddenly, you guys are flipping like a fucking slow motion scene in Inception. You land on the roof, the ceiling. You're upside down, skidding down a fucking slick ass mountain road. And where does the toasty end up?

Where? Right in her concussed mouth. She's out cold. That's so romantic. Wake up with a fucking shrimp toasty by your side. Who says a no to that? That's the fucking goat romantic move. Are you still doing romantic stuff?

I mean, you're already married. So, like, is the pressure a little lessened for Valentine's Day? Or does it only go up once you're in a committed, lawfully wedded relationship? I still do romantic stuff for the birthday, for the anniversary, for Hanukkah and Christmas. Valentine's Day, for me, that's not a gift-giving holiday. That's like, and I appreciate you. Let's do a nice dinner. Oh, you know what?

I used to always, Jill and I used to always go away. That's wrong. We used to always go away. Scratch everything I said for the last 30 seconds. I bought her a diamond necklace every February. Every half hour. Because our anniversary of when we were dating was January 31st. So, it always, like, kind of tied into Valentine's Day.

And we'd always go, like, do, like, a long weekend sometime around the first two weeks of February. And oftentimes, it would be close enough to Valentine's Day that it was, like, Valentine's themed. Oh, that's right. You used to always miss the Super Bowl because you were celebrating your anniversary, your date-aversary. That's exactly, yeah, that's exactly right. And I already know the answer, but you do nothing for Valentine's Day, right? You don't even get Avital anything for her birthday. Yeah, I've sort of established a gift-free environment in a zone that she can't necessarily complain about,

because it's, like, something I bring up on every date. So it's kind of this, like, weird, annoying mole that she has to live with, slash, deal with for as long as we're together. So it's, like, yeah, he's nice and all. And he has this one kind of bizarre rule that I guess I deal with, which is the fact that he doesn't believe in gifts. Which is, like, I can't- And he talks about it a lot. You made her a toasty, right? I made her one shrimp toasty on her seventh date.

And she never looked back. It was so, I don't know, perfect. Perfect. There's something that's just perfect about a toasty. What is it about a shrimp toasty that's perfect? The way they look small on the bread with the mayo and the shrimp. It's just, I don't know. On the Barbie?

It's just right to have it that way. So yeah, something outdoor, something natural for this guy in Colorado. A drive, a walk, a hike, a picnic, a meal, somewhere that's safe, friendly, and hopefully warm enough. You know, Denver, it can be, like, 71 on Tuesday, and then Wednesday's low is 4. So you can hope for the best. Yeah. Yeah. You gotta just hope for the best.

Roll the dice. Roll the dice, get the toasty, keep it nice, let us know how it goes. All right, let's take a break. Thanks for the sponsors. Come back with some more questions and answers after these messages. Thank you to Stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business. But with Stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer, and they can bring the post office in your office.

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Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is, yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but for any not-so-tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon. Mm-hmm. These digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah.

For me, personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents.

So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to, like, stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the AuraFrame.

We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit, like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way.

By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh, my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah.

Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames.

There it is. Oh, wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A-Frames.com.

Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. You can use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back.

Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lift. There's a fire. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Yep. Yep, I do. Okay.

But make it quick because I got one too. So we'll do like a little lightning round. So fast that it only strikes twice. Back to back. Yeah. Okay, sweet. How often are you using the snooze feature on your email? Never.

I don't know what that is. Tell me. Well, I fucking love it. You look at an email that you're like, I have to deal with this, but I can't right now. You can, you know, drag your cursor up to the top. You know, the archive, the spam, the delete, mark is unread. After that, it is snooze. Okay.

You can snooze this email until tomorrow next week, next weekend, or you can pick a date and time and have it just reappear in your inbox whenever you so choose. Okay. And I value a clean inbox. I treat my email inbox as a to-do list. I see. And oftentimes the emails that I have like lingering at the bottom are things that are like hard that I have to deal with.

So I tend to just like do all of the new things that come in that I can just like fire off. Yeah. But for me to get to those, I always feel like I need to clean off the top. The top never ever gets clean because there's always something new. So I started snoozing these things like this doesn't need a response right now, but I wanted it off my plate. I don't want to think about it. I snooze it.

I don't want to think about it. So it's like, hey, this email, I have to, it's part of my to-do list, but I don't want to deal with it yet. So make it disappear so I can get to the next item. It's kind of tricking your brain. Like the email that you have to get to is still there either way, but for whatever reason, you don't want that other email on top of it in your purview. Yeah.

It's like prioritizing things though. I'm like, I don't have to deal with this until Wednesday. You know? Like that's when this thing needs a response. So I'm not going to waste my brain space right now, like get it away. So you're getting lower and lower into your inbox. I see. So does it archive the email when you say snooze it?

Like does it disappear from your inbox or is it still there but a different color? It disappears. It disappears. It's gone. Interesting. Okay. Yeah. That's pretty good.

Snooze. And then you use it to say, come back at a later day or do you do the default two days? I pick a day that I'm going to deal with it. I'm like, this needs to happen on Friday. That's when I'll do this. Got it. I archive something until July. How fucked up is that?

Yeah. I know. I wouldn't have to look at this in July. Yeah. I have been sending you the email over and over and for whatever reason, it's kind of timely though. It's about making sure that we record. You'll hear from me on 7-8-21.

Don't worry. Okay. Don't worry about that. When you get back from a 4th of July trip, I guess that you haven't even planned yet. I'm planning it. Those are archived until June, snoozed until June, I should say. Noon in June. That's when I'll deal with it.

All right. That's a good one. That's a good one. What's yours? Here's a quickie that I learned actually from our Discord. I hopped onto the Jake and Amir Patreon Discord. Whoa. Yeah.

Shout out to Discord. I wanted to see what was going on with the peeps. If you're in our Patreon, you can be in this Discord chat room, which is like this rolling chat room where people can hop in, hop out, chat, see, talk to each other, like-minded folks. Sometimes I hop in there and see what's going on and it was kind of like later. I went in there the other day and I was afraid. I was afraid to talk.

That's good. I was like, I don't want to disrupt. The flow. The flow. Yeah. But it was nice. Yeah. But I just hopped in there and read a bunch of people.

Lurker on your own fucking Discord. A little wallflower. Okay. So, Jack F. Shout out to Jack F. I basically said, what did I miss? Because I hadn't been there for like a few weeks, months, years, decades. And he's like, oh, Weezer has a new song coming out. I'm like, oh, that's interesting. Weezer.

I used to- two of my favorite albums, the blue album in Pinkerton, came out in the 90s and then I sort of forgot Weezer existed. I'm like, yeah, I guess every once in a while you hear like a new song like Pork and Beans. And if you're wondering if I want you to, like little hop songs, and I'm like, oh, this song is really good. It actually reminds me of Pinkerton, one of my favorite Weezer albums. And he's like, yeah, they started working with a music producer, Jack F. was explaining to me that grew up listening to the blue album in Pinkerton.

And I was like, you guys should make music like that. And he like guided their albums again back to what Pinkerton sounds like. I'm like, oh, when did that happen? He's like, basically, there was an album whose name I already forget. And then the white album in 2016. This guy named Jake Sinclair, who's younger than us, worked with Weezer to create an album again that sounded like their, I guess, most iconic albums. And I started listening to the white album.

This is amazing. This is as good as Pinkerton, but I completely disregarded it, because for 20 years, they were just churning out album after album that I didn't necessarily like. Wow. So I'll send you a link to the white album. And my favorite songs on it. I'm like, wow, this really does sound like they wrote 20 songs for Pinkerton, released the 10 that I love.

And then these were discovered. But no, they're actually new songs that sound exactly like old Weezer songs. So shout out to Jack F. Damn. And shout out to Weezer. And shout out to Jake Sinclair. I mean, that's incredible. Yeah, that's really nice.

We should have them on the show, just be like, so, how do you, what does it mean to produce a song that sounds like it? Did they not know how to do it? And then you're like, actually make it sound like this? I have so many questions about that. He's going to convince us to start going back to so ageing. He's like, he's just a fan of the classics. It was better originally.

Yeah, only with. I feel like I could do that if I had any like musical ability, I could do that for Blank 182. Yeah. I could be like, I could guide them back to the dude ranch days. I just, I don't know how to quantify slash explain why something sounds the way it does, but it just instantly did. And it was very nice.

I'm glad this music producer coupled with Weezer was able to figure it out. I was saying that it's kind of like, if Adam Sandler made an amazing movie three years ago, like we would just never know because he had done like 21 weird, somewhat random esoteric kind of shitty movies for the last two decades. And it's like, no, this one's really good. It's like Billy Madison or happy Gilmore. We just wouldn't know. Oh, I was thinking, wasn't that what happened with uncut gems?

But you mean like a really just like a funny one, just like a happy Madison, Adam Sandler comedy vehicle. I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry is actually hilarious because he worked with a comedian Larry. Nice. Yeah. He worked with a movie producer that was able to harness his energy. And then I got to thinking, I'm like, were those movies good or were we just, were we

just 12 at the time? And if any 12 year old, like whatever movie that comes out when you're 12 to 15 is the best Adam Sandler movie. Right. Yeah. If we told, if we showed like a tween, his Adam Sandler's full catalog, is he like, yeah, I liked Billy Madison and I also liked grownups. Grownups part three is my favorite.

Yeah. Cause I'm again, I'm 12. So this is all awesome shit. Yeah. I don't know. Either way, if you're a fan of Weezer like I am specifically of those two albums, check out at the very least the white album. Cool.

That's my unsolicited advice. Don't forget to hit that snooze button and snooze your email for the love of God snooze that email. Actually, let's answer some questions. These are emails that I didn't snooze. These are new. Nice. Fresh.

Fresh questions in our inbox. Don't sleep on them. Here's one about a cooking catastrophe. Since you're a chef as of now. Shay. Yeah. I'm a chef. I'm not like an amateur cook or I'm not learning to cook.

I don't want like that terminology. I want people to know that I am. I am a chef. Well, you're not. Okay. You're not. Cooking is not a hobby for me. It's not just something that I'm passively into.

It's not something that I'm experimenting with. It's not something that I recently picked up. Yes, it is. Yes. That last one is what it is. Don't you keep the first three. I let you get away with it, even though you're not a professional, you're not getting bait to cook.

So yeah, you are an amateur. So don't say that it was something that you just picked up. That's not true. Continue. I'm a chef. Read on it. Chefery James writes, Hello, Jake and Amir. Long time listener.

First time asking a question. I found myself in a predicament. I'm a 17 year old dude who like Jake, wasn't much of a chef and I'm starting to build a rep as being a bit lazy within my family. But now I have the opportunity to redeem myself, me and my girlfriend are doing a date night with my girlfriend's parents and we are in charge of the cuisine. So what I need to know is something that I can make that will knock their socks off, but won't be impossible that I'll mess it up.

Just for a reference, my girlfriend isn't much of a chef either, but with more experience helping than me. P.S., I think it's worth mentioning all this started off with a white lie that I love cooking and that I do it all the time. Sincerely yours. Chefery James. Chefery James. Okay.

So have you experienced something that you're 17? If this dude's 17, if he's 17, it's to it's kind of, I don't want to say it's too late, but I feel like the ship is sailed a little bit. What are you talking? You picked it up at age 35. 17 is too late. Pick it up. You don't pick it up.

It's a calling. You finally, I picked it up. I answered the phone. I answered my calling, but I don't know if this guy has the calling. That's what I'm saying. You're holy shit. You are, you're paying it backwards. You're basically, you're not lifting anybody up.

You're kicking them off a mansion. You discovered this. If you don't copy and you want people out, you're not going to learn is all I'm saying. That's it. That's not, yeah, that is it, but that's bad. It shouldn't be it. It should be better than it. What the hell is it?

Don't do not rub your hair like you're a guru. You're not a guru. You don't go any room. You're a zero. It's interesting. It's just a thought. There's sauce all over your track jacket, by the way. I think like you didn't, I burned my hand really bad.

Actually, I gave it up. I, yeah. What's the easiest thing you have a dish? Okay. Well, I've only, I haven't cooked that many dishes. You haven't what? I haven't cooked that many dishes. I'm actually considering retiring if you can fucking believe it.

It's called going out on top. I made a lamb twice and I think I'm gonna pick up skateboarding. I baked a skate and now I'll skate instead of bake. On Friday, on Friday, I cooked Mongolian. Okay. So nice rice. Rice indeed. So one of the things that I cooked was like this, this like lamb dumpling,

which is a little more authentic to actual Mongolian. The other one was Mongolian beef, which was made in like Taiwan or Thailand. It's not actually from Mongolia, but it was really easy and very, very delicious. And it definitely makes you feel very chef-like because you're like flash-frying sautéing things. There's lots of, there's sauces, there's oils, there's a flagrant flavors. It's very delicious. Okay. It's not hard.

It takes like 35 minutes total. That's good. Okay. That's pretty good. Lamb dumplings. That sounds kind of hard though. I was, I got some stuff to make. The lamb, that is really hard.

That's too hard. Yeah. Yeah. Lamb, lamb dumplings, you can't do that. I could barely do that. And I'm a fucking chef. Okay. So what's, what's something that's kind of easy to make?

The Mongolia, the Mongolian beef, that's what he should, that's what he should cook. You slice up the beef, you sort of stir fry it, onions, peppers. Yeah, you slice up the beef real, real thin. There's a trick that I learned, which I, which I thought was very cool. You get the beef, get it nice and fresh, but you put it in the freezer like five or 10 minutes before you start cooking. So then when you're slicing it really, really thin, it's kind of firm and you can cut right through it. That's good.

Okay. And then what? Rice on the side, rice noodles, some other noodles. Yeah. Just like classic white rice on the side. Keep it simple. Okay. And then you just got the beef, you got the rice, you throw some scallions in there.

It's perfect. You made Chinese food. It's delicious. That's good. It's unique. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I was going to say, I recently have been basically putting meat on one side of a baking pan, broccoli on the other, putting it in the oven together. You leave the oven, it's just like 25 minutes. It's doing the entire bulk of the work. So if you want to get even easier than that, you can get pre-seasoned salmon. So I think I didn't necessarily know about because I didn't eat salmon growing up. Pre-seasoned salmon. This guy said he loved cooking.

I love cooking. He's going to show up with pre-seasoned salmon. No, he's not going to show up. Put it on a baking sheet. He's going to, he's going to already have made it. Pre-seasoned salmon, you put all of it on the broccoli. You put it in the oven half an hour and you're done. There's not even anything after that.

You're putting salmon in the oven for half an hour? Yeah, 20 to 30, depending on what you set it at. And then the end, boom, that you made fucking pretty solid shit right there and you didn't have to do anything. Very little prep work. You want to cook your salmon on high heat for a short amount of time. I do 450 for 11 minutes. That's the perfect thing for salmon. And you don't want to put things all on the same sheet.

Why not? You want to know why? Yeah. Because they're all unique. They're all different. They all have different amounts of time that they need to cook for. Sure. Yeah.

You had the salmon halfway with carrots at the same exact time. No, or you do or you don't, or you had the salmon late. Like I'm giving you a foolproof plan. You cook the salmon a little too much, the broccoli a little too little, put them both in for 20 minutes. Bing, bang, boom. You're out of there in what? 30 minutes. You scarf the fish in front of the fucking parents and you say, this is pretty fucking good, right?

What'd you bring for dessert? If they didn't bring anything for dessert. A shrimp toasty? Desert is a shrimp fucking toasty with whipped cream on top. And did I mention you ordered cookies from a good bakery? Oh, how'd you make this recipe? Postmates, bitch. You get to eat it off the floor, okay?

How's that? For questioning me, where'd I get it? Where'd you get off? Nice. Nice. All right, two options right there. Mongolian beef or whatever the fuck. And a shrimp toasty.

Or pre-seasoned salmon and a shrimp toasty. And did I mention anybody can make toast in a fucking second? All you need to do is air fry tater tots and suddenly you're the most popular chef in town. All right, one last question. Yeah, let's do it. I'm a 21-year-old female. Ooh, what name can we give this lady? Oh, Liv.

How old did she say she was? 21. Okay, close enough. Liv. Are you talking about someone specific or? Yeah, it was because it's my brother's girlfriend's birthday coming up and I thought they were the same age, but they're not. So, you know, it's fine, but either way.

Shout out to Liv. 21-year-old female recently broke up with her very first boyfriend. Ooh, kind of ominous, almost a bad sign. It was also his first relationship and we had been dating a little over three years. He was an amazing person. He was extremely loving and caring, but our relationship wasn't working and I had to break his heart. I was just wondering if you guys had any horror stories

about hurting a person that you care about deeply. So, maybe I won't feel like the only piece of shit in the world right now or maybe a story about your very first heartbreak and how you got over it. I have always looked up to you guys to brighten my day, so I really hope that you read this. I love you guys and everything you do. Coming from a patron, shout out to thepatreon.com.jia. Love, Liv.

Hell yeah. I wish I had a story, but this is just, this is too fucked up. It's a little too fucked up that she did this to that guy. He's a nice guy. He's a nice guy. It's a little fucked up. All right, she broke up with him. I guess that's the episode.

What are you talking about? The first song was by, it was the... Your advice on how to get over that? She fucked up by breaking up with him. It was just, it was tacky the way she did it. What do you think she didn't even say how she did it? She just said that she broke up with someone. It wasn't tacky.

It was tacky. It was a very strong move on her part. She was able to say, I have to put myself first. I'm going to break someone's heart. It's going to hurt, but ultimately it's better for the both of us. And she did it. And you're what you're saying. That's, it's tacky or cheesy.

No, you know, I've definitely been there. There have been more than one relationship that ended where the person that I was breaking up with was like very heartbroken and it was super hard. And you definitely, like the instinct is always to do the thing that makes them feel better because that's what you like learn in a relationship. You're like, how do I make you feel better? But when the thing that makes them feel better is the thing that you can't give. That's just, it's not an option.

So really what you have to do is accept that as Ingrid Michelson says, every broken heart in the world still beats. So you know that you're breaking up with them. It's not going to kill him. He will eventually get over it and your relationship will be a part of his past, which is good ultimately. Yeah. The first ones are are always the hardest ones.

So he's like, you know, dealing with this for the first time, but I'm sure it won't be his first and I'm sure it won't be yours and or sorry, it won't be his last. I'm sure it will always be his first, which is kind of exciting actually. So you'll always be intrinsically in his life in that regard. But yeah, I don't know anybody that give him a it's a life experience. You fell in love. You had your heart broken. It happens again and again and again.

So if anything, it's just this is something to get used to. Yeah. And I don't know anybody that was had their heart broken at age 20. That is like still even honestly remembers it by age 30. So it may seem like the biggest deal in the world now, but you'll be like a for better or worse, probably a faint memory in a decade. I don't know if that makes you feel any better. But that's somewhat the truth is I know it because it'll yeah.

But it's all it's all happening right now. So I think that all you can really know is that he is going to live and also like this will just cause him to grow like he's got friends and family that he'll reach out to and forge new bonds because of this heartbreak. You're sending him on a journey where he's going to get stronger. He's weak and sad now. But in the end, it's going to be good for him. Yeah.

So good for you. Ultimately better. And like they say, time heals all wounds, which is a cliche, but it's true in this case specifically, and you'll have your heart broken and you'll break another heart. And so it goes unless you get married at age 23 to your next boyfriend, which could be my brother, Micah. Wow. It's crazy to think live part of the family.

That's insane. I don't know if that's like a lot of pressure to put on her right now or to both of them. But let's bring her in. Grab her. Okay. Yeah. Sure. Yeah.

I see she's sort of sitting right off camera. She's sitting three feet to your left. If you could just shift over to her a little bit. She does the podcast with me. She likes to have oversight on the ads. She's my rock. I don't know how else to say it. It brings me a lot of comfort and security to have her here staring at me.

So shout out to Liv for that. And shout out to you guys for listening and sending in your questions, your theme songs, all that good stuff too. If I were you show at gmail.com. That opening theme song was Greg Berg. This closing one is epic, Jake. And it's almost specifically designed for you because it is another shout out to the Keeping Records pod.

The song you brought up on Caleb and Shelby's podcast. Oh my God. Wounded. That's right. It's a wounded parody. He this guy. Holy shit. Ashton underscore Delaney on Instagram played it on his guitar and he posts art to his

Instagram and he lives in Long Island City. So Jake, if you ever want to have lesson, a guitar lesson, he can teach you a bunch of third eye blind songs. That's amazing. Yeah, I could hop on my bike and ride right over there. That's right. So this one is by Ashton Delaney opening one by Greg Berg. Again, send in all that stuff to ifirishow at gmail.com.

And if you ever want more of us, if you're ever like, you know what, that was fun. But my appetite is insatiable for content. Check out our Patreon. I need more. Patreon.com slash J.A. We're doing weekly videos. Maybe another Premier League podcast, but definitely the last Premier League podcast. Lonely and horny season one in two.

The speech at my speech at your wedding is on there. Two years worth of content. If you want to watch a mere cry, you can do it. I don't know. I cried during that. Yeah. So yeah, you can check it all out at patreon.com slash J.A. I don't know if I got your gift yet for my birthday, which was last week.

It hasn't quite arrived. But I'm still checking that mail every day late night. So I'll sort of wait for the post. I'll wait for the post later. Me on my birthday was a letter with a list of stuff you wanted for your birthday. Yeah. Do you understand how that's fucked up? So that's time.

Now you know exactly what to get me and you know when to get me. And it was last week. I obviously I know the postal service is like super overflowed right now. So nothing will arrive on time unless you work on the day unless you snoozed my gift in a way that's like so I'm least expecting that's the one that was snoozed till July actually for my half very considerate. All right, sweet. Thank you, Greg.

Thank you guys for listening and we'll be back next week. Bye everybody. Now here's the issue. You got a favorite song and you know we should sing it loud for us all. And you know what to do. Greg. You got to get me to the back of my heart. You got to get me to the back of my heart.

Okay, I'm thinking maybe you shouldn't have sang it all but I'm a rock on. Baby rock on anyway. You say you don't know what you should do now. So just ask me if you could do what's due. If I were you. Show at gmail.com and send me if I were you. If I were you. That was a hit gum original.