If I Were You - 473: Fish and Chippendales

Episode Date: February 1, 2021

In this episode we discuss movie watching habits, food poisoning, and our upcoming virtual live show!Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. You know that I could use some advice. You know that I could use some advice. If I were you, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. If I were you, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Wow. Nice guys indeed. Do you know what that was a parody of?

It was a parody of the, I think it's the Kings of Leon? Is that possible? I know the song. I don't know the band, but yeah, that definitely sounds right. I know that I could use somebody. Yeah, it's like that. Yeah. Use somebody.

If I could plug anything he writes, it would be my TikTok account. Nice. I'm a pizza lover 44. So there you go. Nice. Cool. I'm a pizza lover as well, actually. I really like that authentic NYC.

Yeah. That like deep Chicago style. I need to say. That Sicilian shit. That pizza, the modern pizza pie. Right. Nice. You don't have to vamp, by the way.

Like we have a lot to get to. No, I was just, it seems like you're killing time. I thought we were going to wax. I haven't even said. Yeah. I was going to wax pizza wise, but if you want to just get straight to the show and you don't want to hear it. You're speaking in a way that makes me anxious.

Like everything you say takes so long and you haven't said anything yet. Well, I can't say anything when you're interrupting me. And I had some things to discuss about toppings. Nice. And cost. Okay. Was that supposed to rhyme or like, did you accidentally say something clever? It's a happy accident, my friend.

It's just. Nice. So the one good thing that came out of that was a mistake. A mistake. It's called a happy accident, not a mistake. It's by Carter Quinn and Adam from Calgary. That's what I wanted to say. Those three dudes from Calgary, Canada.

Thank you for writing that theme song. Appreciate it. Shout out to Calgary. Do you remember our live showing Calgary, Canada? Yeah. I remember going to Calgary for the first time and then we headed even further either east or north to Winnipeg. Oh no, we went Winnipeg then Calgary because I remember the cities grew in size.

Was it Winnipeg? Wait, was it Winnipeg, Calgary? Yeah. Vancouver? Did we start in Toronto? No, I don't think we did Toronto that tour. That was just like central Canada and then we moved west. God.

Can you imagine, are we ever going to do a show in Winnipeg and Calgary again? They won't let us in. They definitely won't let us in. Yeah. No, they don't want our fucking coronavirus ridden asses there. Imagine how cold it, I mean it's cold in New York City so I can only imagine what's going on right now in Winnipeg. Oh yeah.

Here we go. It's like seven degrees here tonight. Seven degrees Fahrenheit. In NYC, yeah. Okay, so let's search Winnipeg weather over under minus 10 Fahrenheit is that's my line. Would you go over under minus 10 Fahrenheit? Over under, I'd go over because I was actually wrong about it being that cold in New York 25.

Okay. I think it's nine degrees there. Yeah, the low tonight is 10. So pretty good. Wow. Close. I'm looking a degree off. That's really good.

Yeah. Yeah. Pretty good. I almost fucking nailed it. I felt like you sort of, you fudged the line when you gave me the New York information that made me consider that there was like a Nor'easter or something. And so when you poisoned me with that data, that fake news. You got to get poisoned with data.

I fed you information. Here's some information. After a year of quarantine, we're finally hopping on the bandwagon. We are doing a live show virtually. That's a big deal. So we can't quite get our asses to Calgary or Winnipeg, but we are doing a live show. Yeah. We still miss the adrenaline, the excitement of talking in front of people.

And since we can't get that IRL, it's going to be, if I were you, this podcast live with friends who are to be determined, we still have to ask them. But this time we don't have to fly. So it's a little easier. It's an easy ask, I hope. And I think we can swing for the fences. We don't have to have shitty-ass B-level celebrity bullshit like Ben. I want to actually like, let's aim fucking, let's aim high.

Celebrity aside, which he is, he's just a good friend of ours. So that was like... I know. What if we say, okay, we say hell no to Ben, right? Because that would be fine to have him. I honestly haven't even brought it up to him. But what if we go for like, John Frickin' Love Itz? John Love Itz.

I mean, I think Ben is more famous than John Love Itz. John Love Itz? Really? I mean, yeah. I think he would be a better draw for our show. That's for sure. That's for sure. I was going to say, what about getting fucking Mitch McConnell?

That's really cool actually. So instead of like, Thomas Middleton, it's like me, yeah, it's us and Mitch, and we're just sort of grilling their ass about like, the perfect Tinder bio or some shit. That's cool. Yeah. What is McConnell's fucking goat Tinder bio? How does McConnell get laid on hinge? I need to know.

I probably doesn't. Right. Cause he's not photogenic and he has a bad personality. Yeah. He has a weak jaw and track record. Plus he's married. Plus he's married. So that's like, you know, definitely.

I bet he doesn't even have hinge. He maybe has bumble. I'm sorry. I thought you were joking, but like, you're actually starting to consider this shit. Yeah. He doesn't have the dating apps. Yeah. He could get on Raya.

Nice. I was just goofing around about like having a month of show, but not like, no, don't Google. Do not Google that. Yeah. Have Raya. I just want to see if he has Instagram because if he has Instagram, yeah, then he can get to Raya. He does have an Instagram.

He has such a bad Instagram. He has 14,000 followers on Instagram. That's fucking less than me and I'm a fucking joke. Well, his last post was just a lasagna he made. It actually looks pretty good, Mitch. You're a home chef, dude. Same. Holy shit.

He said, please don't grill me. This is my third attempt to LOL that zanya life. This is actually really good, Mitch. How'd you get the cheese to be so stretchy, Mitch? There's crumbs all over his stove. He didn't really consider that. Yeah. People are sort of taking him to task for that.

Clean your stove. He's going to turn the flash off, Mitch. He's going to show years of grease and gears of yeast. The stove itself is filled with this almost like this nutritional yeast or something. Wow. I belt everybody that was considering getting tickets to our live shows has stopped. Because of the gears of yeast or the ... That was probably the exclamation point on the entire thought.

Yeah. Yeah. We haven't said the URL yet. Oh fuck. It's onlocationlive.com slash Jake and Amir, but I bet we can find a way to just have Jake and Amir.com forward to it. That'd be cool. So let's do that.

So it'll be on our Twitter or social media. We'll be very annoying about it, but yeah, if you want to snag a ticket now, it's a virtual ticket for 15 bucks at onlocationlive.com slash Jake and Amir. It's our podcast live with friends, and then I think you can watch it even after the show. By the way, even if you're just considering buying a ticket, you can get a preview of our new podcast cover art when you go to that link. So if for nothing else than to just peep the new logo, check that out. The new artwork.

Yeah. Shout out to Dave Klok for working on that. We're nearly finalized with that. We are. All right. So like we said, this is an advice show. If I were you, the only one on the web still hosted by us. And I'm Amir.

And I am Jake. It's wintertime. So I thought we should answer this sunny question, warm weather question, just to sort of make us think, imagine, live in a world. Even in LA, it was like pouring rain yesterday, cold and gray. I always liked when it rained in LA. Isn't it nice when it's different? I feel like these days, anytime the weather does something new and unique, I'm like, that's

good. Nothing to remark upon. I can look out and it doesn't feel like the same day as yesterday. That's true. I don't love the rain, but it's definitely better than like when it was a fire in the sky, when it was orange and foggy and the air quality was so bad. This is at least it smells fresh. That's good.

Yeah. I'm happy for you. Speaking of rain, this guy's from Seattle. So we'll call this guy J. Buehner. Nice. J. Buehner writes, I'm a recent college grad in Seattle and I was driving back to my parents' house for the weekend from my living job as a manny slash bro pair. Bro pair.

And I was hankering for, I love that. That's a great TV show. And I was hankering for a coffee. I remembered that there was a bikini barista stand near the freeway exit I was getting off at, so I decided to check it out. I'd never had one before, so I was kind of curious. The girl was really nice and made polite conversation, but I felt so weird and voyeur-ish the whole time.

Is this a common occurrence or am I too squeamish? Are dudes really down this bad that they need to order a seven and a half dollar latte? Before tip, to look at a girl in lingerie to talk to them, do either of you have any experience with going to a bikini barista or are you too coy? PS started listening to the headgump podcast and I love it. Toda, I love J. All right. Shout out to J.

Nice. I love listening to the headgump podcast. I love that podcast, by the way. Yeah, it's very funny. I was cracking up listening to the last episode. The one with me, Moose and Marika? Yeah. And then, like, Ferris dropped a four-minute long sax track in the middle of it.

I don't know if you've listened to that, but it's insane. They added it in post because they said the episode was too short, so Ferris wrote an entire remix song of Jeffrey over the sax saying, what's that? God, good stuff. So are you aware of bikini baristas? I've never heard of that before. I remember there was a bikini bar in New York City that I went on a date to one time. Yeah, so I looked it up.

I guess it's a thing in Seattle. There was this YouTube documentary about it called Seattle's Bikini Baristas, and it's pretty much what you expect. It's like Hooters but Starbucks, so it's a drive-through cafe, and I guess there's more than one at this point, where, yeah, they're just in bikinis serving coffee. So there's that. Do you have any experience of Hooters or a local equivalent of Hooters? Yeah.

I mean, when I was in high school, me and my friends, as soon as we got our licenses, that was something that we did, I think often, it definitely went to Hooters a decent amount. I've been to Hooters at least 20 times in my life for a year. I once ate at a Hooters by myself. How's that for fucking weird? Did we get a Hooters once in Florida? Were you there ever when we went? I want to say it was some sort of group trip, but I forget what it was.

It sounds really familiar. Was it one of those college humor trips? Yeah. Maybe. We were like, I don't even remember. Anyway, Hooters is like basically like... Oh, wait. Didn't you and John and John Carlo go to a Hooters?

It sounds familiar, right? Maybe in Vegas or something, or in Arizona or something. Something like that. Cincinnati. I mean, now that I'm thinking about it, I think 20 is underselling. I've probably been to at least 35 Hooters. So Hooters, for those of you not in America, it's a strip club meets a sports bar. So there's no stripping, but there's ladies scantily dressed that smell like strippers

and they hit on you and they give you wings. It's kind of just like any... I feel like it's like any divey bar, except the servers have to wear like booty shorts. But like, the wings are actually kind of good. Like the food is good. That's why I go. Yeah. It's just for the food.

Can you imagine getting fucking like DoorDash Hooters? Like I just like the food. I don't care about being there. Just like give me the fucking wings and the waffle fries. Yeah. It's like an old guy that shows up to deliver it, but he's still in like booty shorts and a skinny white tank top. Thanks.

All right. Good. I needed to ogle something. Contactless delivery. Shit. This is fucking embarrassing. I mean, it's a solid business model. As long as everybody that's working there is like in on the gag and they're like making

tips and they are enjoying themselves, they have the job of their own free will. Like... Yeah. It's... I don't know. I feel like you feeling weird is projecting a lot onto somebody who's a server. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I mean, it's the same feeling. I get at a strip club. I'm like, this doesn't feel nice to me because I know that they're, you know, being paid to do this. So like I'm not getting any like rush of adrenaline or endorphins when a waitress is touching my shoulder and asking me if I want another Diet Coke, babe. Yeah. But it's like, yeah, they are paid to do that for everybody, but they might like you.

Wow. You don't think... Wow. You don't think... Because when she wrote her name on the receipt, there's a heart above the eye, it says Carrie. And I left my number and she might call. God. It must be hard for a stripper or a Hooters waitress to actually flirt with someone.

Like if they actually are attracted to someone because they'll just assume that they're being, you know, fake about it. Yeah. But at the same time, you know, how do you really meet anybody? It does kind of feel like you mostly meet people at work and out with your friends. And when those two things are one and the same, maybe you do... I bet like if you are a Hooters server or a stripper, like you see so many shitty guys that like when someone who's like a good person is around, that like really stands out.

It's almost like a really like trial by fire way of like meeting somebody if you wanted to. You're like, oh no, most people suck. And like I've seen everyone suck the max and you're cool. So I like it. It's also interesting that Hooters didn't like start a type of... There's no like knockoff Hooters that I know about. Like in LA, there should be like 20, whatever, tooters or knockers or lady burgers or something.

But you don't really see that. Yeah. I guess that is odd. It doesn't really make any sense. The perfect supply of Hooters is the current amount of Hooters. No extra Hooters would have enough people to eat there. Are there ever tooters? Do you want it to be more of like a casual thing?

Like I go here because the servers are really hot, but that's not the only thing. Like if you go... You couldn't tell people that you were going to Hooters. I feel like there have been times in my life where I like went to the same bars and restaurants over and over again because I had a crush on people on the staff. And it's not like they had like really conservative uniforms. Like everyone is wearing low cut shorts and tight jeans. It's you're out in the city and everyone's hot.

It's weird that... Yeah. All right. You guys are hot and you have to wear orange shorts. But any other server can just like wear jeans where their butt looks really good and that's fine. Yeah. Are there any male equivalents of Hooters like dudes walking around in tank tops looking

jacked? Yeah. Chippendales. Chippendales is like the male strip club with like the bow tie and the no shirt and the suspenders thing that like Chris Farley and Patrick Swayze do the bit on. Yeah. There should be like a male like a fish in Chippendales or something. So you get like the fish and chips.

Yeah. But it's like jacked cut dudes. I feel like it would be pretty fucking progressive if you and I opened that and we were servers and you and I just wore like fucking banana hammocks and tiny little vests. And we have... That's actually not bad. Yeah. That's really good actually.

Because then we're not necessarily like I'm not like thick or like super cut. Right. But like I can like probably wear a tightish tee and then have... It can't be a tightish tee. It has to be a small vest. A small vest with nothing underneath. Like I would just really don't feel comfortable talking about this. You'd have to get comfortable pretty fast if we're going to have fish in Chippendales,

if we're going to be if we're going to be roller skating around and fucking banana hammocks and cumber buns with little ties and like fucking yamakas and shit. Like I don't want to be like this weird yamaka wearing vest serving french fry guy. And I'm definitely don't want to do it on roller skates. I don't know how that shit works. Well you're going to have to learn fast because I can't do both like the serving and the cooking. Like so I'm going to be... I'll be in the back just like no cooking.

Why am I... This is your idea. Yeah, exactly. That's why I have to do the fucking the cooking. That's why I have to be the chef. I have the vision to lay out the restaurant because you have to... By the way, you have to have the table spaced out really well because not only COVID but also...

This is a post pandemic thing. I'm not doing this... It was not a post pandemic thing. It's not a post pandemic. We have to do it during the... You can... There's 25, 50% capacity dining so we're going to be doing it during the pandemic. Okay.

Other people are doing that. We're going to be doing it during the pandemic. There's also a major... It's so cold out. It's going to be indoor. Don't worry about that. Don't worry about that. You'll have a tiny little yamaka, a cummerbund, a vest, a banana handbag.

You can have ankle socks, roller skates and little wrist cuffs and... Fine. As long as you do it in like a major city, like I don't want to like have to deal with traveling. We're going to be able to afford a major city because what I was trying to say is because you need to space the tables out, not just because of COVID but also because of the roller skating because you don't want to be going between narrow tables. You couldn't really do that in New York City.

You'd have to be doing it in like... What's like maybe like inland to empire or something like that or like... L.A. or San Francisco. Yeah. Fresno. No. No. North, more inland.

I think San Bernardino, Palm Desert or something. Yeah. Maybe Bakersfield. Yeah. Maybe Bakersfield. Maybe. That's really small. You could do it in Omaha.

Why maybe? What's wrong with... You could do it in Omaha. Brasca. Frigid. Freezing. College town. Don't worry about the temperature.

It's going to be inside. And you'd also have a face mask. So you have the banana handbag, the yamaka, the cummerbund, the tiny vest, the bow tie, the wrist, the wrist cuffs. Cuffs. Yeah. And then PPE. What's that?

The wrist cuffs. And a face mask. What's PPE? Personal protective equipment. Because it's COVID. So you can't just like be doing all this without a mask. And you'll meet me in Nebraska because you said you were cooking the food for everyone. So I'm there.

I think I can do this. I think I can create... I think I can create... Shut up. Shut up. I'm telling... I'm explaining that I think that I can create the menu in a test kitchen here in the city. And as long as I...

As long as I hire the right fry cooks and shorter cooks, line cooks, that type of thing, then they will be able to prepare the food. Because I don't think I should be putting myself at risk in a kitchen right now. Especially... Especially because I came up with this whole fucking concept. Not really. I said fish and shipping deals. That's why I'll do it for the golden mic.

Let's just give me the golden mic and we'll call it even. You get the turdy, I get the mic and I'll move to Nebraska and I'll wear a fucking underwear and a yamaka in a college town and I'll serve chips. You're not going to win the golden mic when you want it that bad. Oh my God. When you want it that bad. Oh my God. The least you can do.

That's when you don't deserve it. I'm not going to give you the golden mic just for fucking wearing a vest of yamaka. You don't have to fucking say I remember what it is. Yes. Yes. You're not even willing to give me a fictional award for all this fucking hard work and effort. I'm about to move to Nebraska for you. For calling it a fictional award, you get a turdy and that's real.

That's a real award that you just fucking earned when you disparaged the golden mic. Yeah, somebody just dropped off a pile of shit in front of my door. How did you do that? They must have been waiting for you. Yeah. All right. Well, enjoy, I guess. I don't know what this guy asked us for, but hopefully he got some real honest feedback

and advice, some soul searching from us about what he should do. Yeah, it's okay if you go there. Yeah, everyone is hopefully gainfully employed and having a great time. All right, let's take a break, come back at the other side of these messages. Thank you to Stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business. But with Stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office. So if you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it.

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That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but for any not-so-tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon. Mm-hmm. These digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah.

For me, personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents.

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We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. Like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant.

Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh, my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame?

Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app.

I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that.

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And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a letter to the fire. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. You know, I think you have, I don't know if it's unsolicited advice or a cautionary tale. Is that right? Yeah.

Sort of. I don't know how to avoid it, but three days ago I did get food poisoning. So my general advice is to not have it that way. And specifically, I guess I'll go over what happened and then you can tell me if I did anything wrong. Okay. Yeah. All right.

Let's, I mean, food poisoning is, I think it's the worst, the worst I've ever felt. What was, what was your case of it like before we get into the, the exact details? Yeah. I had, I had eaten dinner with my girlfriend and she felt fine, which makes me question this whole food poisoning thing at all. But about two hours after dinner, which was chicken and over some greens that we had purchased out of Whole Foods, I felt like there was trapped gas in me, like over my windpipe. And I'm like, Oh, I think I really have to fart.

Like I feel like this sharp pain and it just, it feels like I just got the wind knocked out of me. Like that kind of like pressure in that area. And so I like laid down on my stomach and I'm like, Oh, it's not subsiding. And I feel kind of like fucking hot. Is it hot in here? She's like, no, it's not hot, but like, maybe you could take some gas X or a modium to like help alleviate the gas pain.

I'm like, yeah, I think so. And then I start walking to the bathroom, I'm like, Oh no. And I like, you know, bend over the toilet, do my puking situation. And that's at this point, I'm fairly certain it's, it's food poisoning because I'm puking, you know, I'm throwing up. That's not a fun place to be. That's not where you want to be. But the gas pain is still there.

So I'm like, what is going on? Like you think like the food had to travel through where the gas pain is, maybe there's a bunch of tubes down there, some pipes that aren't overlapping. Then I run a bath because, you know, sometimes that can help alleviate stomach pain while I'm in the bath. I feel kind of good. I feel a little bit better, but it still feels like there's something there. What time is it?

I get out of. This is like 11pm. When I was like at seven, I started feeling bad at nine, two hours later, I'm in a bath. Nothing's subsiding. I get out of the bath. I lay down again. Avi tells like, are you feeling better? I'm like, yeah, kind of, but like not really.

Then back to the toilet, back to the puking. No diarrhea. Like everything is coming straight up, straight out of me. At least that's nice. And you know, we're going through like the courses, the progression of what I ate. First it was like the most recent thing, then it's like a bowl of cereal I had before that, then like a cup of soup I had before that. It was like I'm seeing the entire day, the entire day rewind out of my mouth in real

time. Did you get down to like the dry heaves and just like the bile? Yeah. That was like, that's the stop. That's the, okay, you've rewound the tape to the beginning. That's it for now. You don't have to worry about that. Then whatever's painting you is unrelated to the food because none of that is in you

anymore. Then I try to go to sleep with a heating pad on. I'm like, okay, it's still kind of hurts, but I'm feeling a little bit better. Then 3am comes up and I'm like, God, it just still feels like there's this ball of something trapped wind or something like that. I can't fart out or burp out. So I take a few tums that we're sitting by my bedside and I do, what's the yoga position where it's like, you're sort of like a roller coaster.

It's almost like a seal. So your head is up and your feet are laying on a bed. Yeah. A cobra of sorts. It looks like that, like a half pipe. Then I take deep breaths and suddenly I hear this gurgling within me and it starts coming out of me. All the trapped whatever was in there, like a fucking volcano erupting with this disgusting

whatever was in me. So the tums plus the puke plus the time, I texted you out like, I think it was for my time. I don't think I'll be able to make this 10am meeting because it's 4 right now and I'm sitting up in my bed and I can't lay down. That's correct. You made the meeting. So shout out to you.

For whatever reason, what happened at four, like I was able to like burp and pass and get rid of everything. So I was able to just fall asleep and by like 10am, I'm like, all right, I'm back to normal. But like I felt completely empty and dead inside. Was it an insane, like volumous resonant burp? Was it satisfying or was it like kind of just like more and more burping coming up that like eventually fixed it? It was satisfying because it felt so internal.

Like I took a deep breath and I heard like gurgling that was like coming from deep, deep, deep deep within my body. That was like, yeah, someone who can't burp, I'm sure you would appreciate this feeling of like something that was stuck is now moving through my system and it felt so inside me getting out. Incredible. So I don't know. I don't know how I got it.

I'm not quite sure how it fixed itself, but I guess my advice is to not get food boys. But you feel like, you know, as you're throwing up, like this was the thing that it was, right? Like there's always like one food that as you're throwing up, you're just thinking about. And even if it wasn't it, it's like somewhere, somewhere like in, in like, in your soul, you know. Yeah, it was either, it was either the chicken that we both had, something in the lettuce that we both had, or like this store bought soup that we both had before the dinner. So I don't know what caused this thing to happen.

See, the thing I've learned about food poisoning is that it's not necessarily like about the food. Like sometimes it's you ingest like a tiny little bit of fecal matter, which that could have easily been on the lettuce. Like you just kind of ate a little bit of shit on Friday, you know? Right. And I don't know how it got there. It could have been from the sink.

It could have been from the dog. It could have just been a random piece on the lettuce. So like I don't have to throw the rest of it away, but at the same time, I'm not like, all right, let's try this. These greens again. Like last time I felt paint for 12 hours. Let's see. No, no lettuce is worth that.

Is there, so has your appetite returned or you feel like I am going to stay away from chicken and salad for a little while? Appetite return. The first day back was a little touch and go was very like bland rice and normal, like re-acclimating my body to food. That was Friday. Would you eat the exact same meal again if it was all newly prepared? Like if Avi Tal made chicken and greens and she put in front of you, you'd be like, oh,

that's fine. Yeah. I think so. Because the food tasted good and I don't really know what it was and I don't know specifically what happened. But yeah, I'm not like scarred from eating chicken and or greens anytime soon. I still to this day, I got food poisoning 10 years ago. And I can't eat roasted red peppers.

Interesting. I don't like the taste of roasted red peppers anyway, so I'm fine with that. But you just think that was it? Or yeah. And also when I got, when I was in France and I got food poisoning from duck or whatever it was, I think it was the duck, but I still to this day can't eat duck. Interesting. And duck is great.

You can't even have duck fat fries. I used to, if it, I guess I probably could have duck fat fries. But if I tasted the duck a lot in it, I would be sick. Wow. Yeah. I don't, I don't have that feeling. And I wonder if it was even like food poisoning or if it was actual gas and I would try to alleviate it by puking it up.

I don't know. I just, I don't have enough information and now it's gone forever. Yeah. It sounds like food poisoning. You're throwing up that much. I think there's, there's not really anything else it could be. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. So that's, that's my gross little insight. So don't poison yourself. Yeah. That sounds nasty. Well. Yeah. Have you still been, have you still?

Yeah. Washing your hands is a key too. Have you been still cooking as much as you have been or slowing down, speeding up? Oh yeah. Last night I made, I made, what did I make? It's called something that I can't remember than, oh here it is. I made mchuzi wa samaki. It's a Tanzanian coconut fish.

I know what it is. You know what it is? You knew what it was? Yeah. Tazuki matsunawi. Yeah. Yeah. It's like this coconut curry thing, right?

Mchuzi wa samaki. It's Tanzanian. It was a coconut fish curry and it was incredible. It was the best. Let's see it. You want to see a photo? Yeah. Yeah.

Again, you still need an Instagram for this food. Like you're taking these photos but you have to share them with the world. It shouldn't just be for me. It's true. Oh, that's a good looking fish curry. What's on the left? What is dark? Is that beans on the left?

I also made just for fun because I was cooking for my dad and I didn't think he was going to like the curry. So I also found like a Tanzanian steak recipe, just like beef skewers. Wow. And those actually, those didn't come out that well. I didn't like the way those came out. And neither did my dad. I think he did because I thought they were too dry but my dad likes overdone meat so

it was perfect. Interesting. So he's a well done steak kind of guy. But actually he doesn't even, I don't think he's ever had curry and he really liked it so. Interesting. Yeah. Wow.

Never had curry. My parents also don't eat Indian food because they never had it growing up in Israel. Yeah. I think that they're just kind of like on autopilot when it comes to food. My parents have chicken and pasta and my mom has a veggie burger basically every single night. Yeah. I guess it's hard to be adventurous at age 60.

Yeah. They're not, they're not, well they're, and you know what, they're usually not starting but they were adventurous last night. They definitely like, they'll eat when people cook for them, you know. They're not picky eaters. They're just set in their ways. They'll eat when you tell them to eat. So do they, do they appreciate the, the Shae J of it all, the new chef version of you?

I think so. Yeah. Everybody, everybody's so supportive and nice to me when I cook. It's so funny. It's almost insulting. It is, if, if I didn't adore the attention so much, it would be, but it's great. All right. Good work.

Another question. Shall we? Why not? Why not? Reminder that live show, virtual live show, tickets onlocationlive.com slash jacunamere. Or if I play my cards right, it's at jacunamere.com right now. Just check jacunamere.com to see if Amir played his cards right. And then you can buy a ticket.

But even if you don't, you'll know. You'll know if I figured out auto forwarding on our Namecheap account. Okay. This one is called Her Fantasy Fucked Me. So FF will call this dude, Freddie Farkas, Frontier Pharmacist, which is a game I used to play growing up. What's up guys? I've been listening since episode three.

Yeah, that's right. I won't lie about it. I'm not a day one fan, but that's not the point. This girl I've been talking to for around a month shared one of her deepest fantasies with me that has my mind scrambled like an egg inside LeBron James. She wants a threesome with another girl. Okay, cool. She also wants a threesome with another guy.

Okay, not so cool. Then the big one. She wants either another guy to watch us and touch his Frankfurter, or she wants me to watch her and another guy while I touch my corn cob. I don't care about the threesome with another girl at this point. That would suffice, I guess, for me. Yeah, if you think about it, yeah, it's just the other shit I hate. I would suffice to say I very much just like her other fantasies.

What should I do? Is she going to break up with me if I don't want to do these things? Should I break up with her? Should I just watch her and another guy then live with a growing hatred for her the rest of our lives? This is seriously bothering me. I would go as far as to say that I absolutely loathe these ideas. All except for the threesome with another girl one, which is, as I mentioned, okay,

if we have to. Yeah, so multiple fantasies, a lot of which he's just not that into. This is ridiculous. This isn't even a problem. She gave you four fantasies, one of which you agree with, so great. There you go. I have four fantasies. One is also your dream and the other three you don't like, but you guys agree on one.

That's good. There you go. But what if she's like, honestly, it's like you making the beef for your dad. She's like, no, it's really just about the coconut curry, aka the one where a guy watches us fuck. What a weird one, performative. I never thought of that as a thing. Let's introduce someone else into the bedroom.

Yeah, but I just want them to watch us. That seems odd. I don't know. I feel very weird about that. The voyeur, I guess? Yeah, just a guy in the corner. It feels especially weird now because everybody's just been kind of quarantining with their loved ones.

Yeah, he'd be in a mask. He'd be in a mask. You'd have to be six feet away wearing a mask, window open. I feel like I've been in a situation not in my married life, but in the past where watching is like, that could be hot in an interesting way, but also all of this stuff is not like she desperately wants to do it. You guys talked about her fantasies, things that she finds hot, and that doesn't mean that she wants to do it or needs to do it with you.

She's just sharing stuff. Yeah. There's not anything you have to do with this information. Yeah. I guess you can have an honest conversation, say this one feels good, this one not so much, and as for the last two, I think I'd rather never do those at all. Yeah. I'd just be like, how important is that one?

That one's not on my radar. I realize I'm a hypocrite, but I like the you and another girl one and not the me and another guy one. Is that culture? What if she's like, well, if you only choose one, why don't we flip a fucking coin for it? Wow. Would you do that?

Would you take that gamble? If it was just down to two of them, like the one you want, three-some with another girl or three-some with another guy or guy in the room, Jango, would you flip that coin? Probably. Or D&D style, roll that die. I'd roll a die. Yeah. I think I'd roll a die.

It's just another class. It's a classic cost-benefit analysis. Do you hate one more than you love the other? Yeah. You could just ask your girlfriend, you could be like, of all of these fantasies, how much do you want any one of them to come true and which one if you could rank them? I don't think there's ever really an expectation when you share a fantasy for it to come true. That's why it's a fantasy.

She told you her fantasies, you could say yours and you don't necessarily be like, now that I've shared, what are the action items to make sure my fantasy comes to fruition? That's not really how it works. You're just getting closer. You're just finding what turns each other on. You guys could role play some of this stuff. You could watch porn. You could just be having sex and say, hey, what's that guy doing in the corner?

He's watching. Yeah. Or maybe a virtual guy. Doesn't that feel like an omegle situation? Chat roulette. Totally. I think that, yeah, talking about fantasies and maybe saying that you want any of them to happen is just like the root of it is that you want to spice up your sex life.

It's not like, OK, now we want to spice up our sex life. The only thing that can do it is if I watch her get fucked by somebody and I don't want to do that because it would ruin your relationship for you. So she's not trying to ruin your relationship at the expense of her fantasy. That's obvious. But you guys, you can talk about things that make you both feel good and that would spice up the sex life. Yeah.

All right. Let us know how that goes, please. What if he's like, I did the coin flip thing and I'm over fucking four at this point. I think she's loading it against me. I rolled so low I can't even be in the room while she's fucking other people anymore. The room where it fappens. So it's a guy in the corner just sort of, yeah, like he said, touching his corn cob. Let us know, Freddie Farkas.

Keep us posted. All right. Instead of ending the show, let's take another break and answer another question. That's right. Wow. More questions, more answers, more sponsors to thank on the other side of these messages. Love it. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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And we're back again. Okay, we got one last question to get through. Okay, let's hear it. It's sort of similar but much lower stakes. It's a guy who's having problems watching movies with his girlfriend. I actually have the same fucking issue, so I'm curious. Well, you don't know what this issue is, but yeah, I'm sure there's a lot of movie watching problems now that everybody's at home watching a movie every single night.

Yeah, you're right. I'll tell you what my problem is though. Okay. We'll call this guy Gene Siskel writes. I've been dating this girl for about four and a half years and it's been mostly great except for this one thing. Since the never ending quarantine slog has started, we've been watching a lot more movies and shows together and some of which I swear to God either both of us have seen before

or she had mentioned that she has seen without me. Anyway, we play this game sometimes where we like make predictions about what's going to happen during these movies because I don't know, it feels sort of cool when you call something way in advance. But recently, my girlfriend has been acting as though she's not seen this movie that I'm positive she has. She'll just out of the blue call something like the end of the sixth sense or some shit and act like she wants me to be impressed.

I asked her if she'd seen it before or heard about what happens and she assures me that she hasn't, but I don't know if I believe her. This has happened a few times now and I feel like I'm going crazy. Am I overthinking this? How can I bring this up without being, seeming completely insane? She has seemed a little off lately, but usually is so genuine. So that's that's his very specific dilemma. Interesting.

Yeah. I bet he's dead the whole time. There's no way you haven't heard that before. What? Is that how it ends? Yeah. I was just guessing. I feel.

Is that what happened? Oh my God. I was right. That's so random. I feel like you don't have to like address the ongoing issue like, hey, you've been doing this. I've talked about this before, this just like, just to address it as a one off, you've like she can slowly lose your trust on the move on the calling the movie thing.

And then the game will kind of be ruined and you guys won't play anymore. But yeah, I don't think you need to like have a conversation. The idea that she seems off lately kind of just implies that she's like losing her mind. This is a very, this is a very quarantined together for four years because it feels just like a casual relationship. Like I could see like giving somebody the benefit of the doubt or playing stupid or being supportive. But after like four and a half years and one year consecutively in quarantine, you just

like kind of stab like, I know you've seen this fucking movie or I'm sorry, I'm not going to act impressed. I know what's going on here, babe, because you're going a little crazy. I feel like after living a year in quarantine with somebody, the idea of like things left on said or like us not having conversations feels absolutely insane. I feel like I say literally everything on my mind. There's no like, oh, OK, let's just leave that there and not not talk about it. Like everything gets talked about.

There's no caught up. It's a year long road trip, right? So what's your what's your movie? Chemistry issue? I can't remember if I've talked about. I've definitely talked about this with you before. I don't remember if it was on the podcast, honestly. Anyway, Jill talks throughout like movies and television, just like sometimes she'll

just be like, oh, this guy is like this. This guy, oh, he was already at this thing, right? And then like, yeah, she's like, and then we'll continue watching. She's like, yeah, because and then she's like still explaining as. So anyway, what I've she knows how much I like, I don't like talking during movies or TV, I like, I don't like to miss anything. I really don't like to be interrupted. So instead of being quiet, we started this thing where if she needs to say

something, she'll just pause it. So I'm not missing anything, but she's still like, we're going to pause the show so I can hear her, her tape or how she got ahead or her interpretation. And like it's so it's like kind of polite, but then it's still like. Sometimes we'll be like, yeah, we'll just be like watching TV. She's like, pause. She's a teacher teaching me a class. Like, all right, I'm going to explain what's going on here.

And like, yeah, I mean, it's hard to find two people that watch, consume media the same ways. Like even me and Avital, like watch completely different ways. And it'd be fun to have them on to have them defend their way of watching a movie. What I what's obvious way or she's very, she's very into like, oh, where's that person from? I'm going to see where that person's from. It's it's killing me and I need to hear.

Oh, I was thinking about this. Can I rewind it? I missed this one line. It's like, yeah, just a guy who said, hello, like eight seconds ago. You didn't miss anything. I was like, yeah, but now we're talking about this and I have to figure it out. And me, I'm like, casually half watching shit, making fun of it throughout. Like, if I don't like a movie, I decide very early on and borderline ruin it for

everyone else who's watching the movie with me. So like, we always leave the room. We always leave the movie like it's been either tainted or a mutually agreed upon that it was amazing based on how I'm acting during the movie. Like, we never sit down, move like lights off, watch the entire film without saying anything like the way movies are meant to be seen in theaters. Like, that's how it forces you. You can't even positively go to the bathroom.

That is my goal is pitch black. No one says anything. I watch the entire thing and I like maybe eat an entire like plate of cookies or something. That's my idea of the night. Yeah, movie chemistry. It's hard to, it's hard to find. And it's, it's such a spotlight now because literally like it's 8 p.m. What do you do it?

Like, do you watch a movie every night? I watch sports. So there's like a little bit of an out. Some of that play video games to my friends. Like, what are you doing every night at eight from eight to midnight? Are you watching a movie every night? No, we watch TV. But I mean, like the TV TV is so good now that it's like it's kind of like a movie,

you know, like I'll watch. But there's no night where you don't watch it, where it's like, oh, wow, it's 11 and we didn't watch movies or didn't watch TV show. I mean, that'd be insane. That'd be bananas. That's bonkers. I can't even imagine. No, yeah, TV.

There's no alternative every single night. TV every night. Sometimes it's a movie. On the weekends, it's sometimes a movie. Sunday night, a movie night. Sunday night, movie night. Did I tell you I was watching Peaky Blinders? I think it's the best show on television.

My brother loves Peaky Blinders. You could talk to Ben about it. I would. I would love to. I think it's the best show of all time. I think it's the greatest show of our lifetime. It's so fucking good. So you have it at the head of the Mount Rushmore, above those wires, the Sopranos, the Breaking Bad, the Mad Men, Peaky Blinders.

A number one. It's above all. And I'm starting season five. So I don't know, like, if it's, you know, Jesus, that's a lot. Yeah, you did not know. You did not know that Peaky Blinders was like five or six seasons, but it is and it's incredible. What about this?

Do you guys have your own shows, your own movies? Like, or does she have to watch Peaky Blinders with you? I have none of my own shows because Jill and I are watching everything together. And when the only time, like when I'm recording podcasts, like when I record an ad pod for like three or four hours in a row, Jill watches something else.

And so she watches The Crown. She used to watch. What's that? I think The Crown is the big one. She watched Bridgerton. She was watching. What's the one with? British British dramas, basically, without you.

What's god damn? I can't think of that that show. Never mind. I can't. I can't even think of a word to describe the show. That's how good it is. But yeah, she what she has more like time when I'm recording where she's like needs to do something. So she'll watch she'll watch The Crown.

That's that's the big one. I feel like I'm always watching her watch The Crown. And I think I would like The Crown. I wish I could. Yeah, we often start shows together and she takes off like at a rate that I can't. I'm not a binge kind of guy. So it's like we watch one episode.

I'm like, I think that's good. And she's like, I'm going to watch a few more cut to the next day. It's like, yeah, I'm 11 episodes deep. I couldn't stop myself. Well, I'm not I'm not a banger, but I could definitely I can watch. Jill doesn't even like to watch like two episodes in a row. I'm like, too. Yeah. To embed. But I like to be in bed by 11.

I'm not crazy person. Yeah. But with Peaky, you ever stretch it to three? No, we've never watched three Peaky blinders in a row. That there's there are hour long episodes. We can't also like there's so good that there are times where like we were burning through season three so fast. And I was like, we have to watch something else because Peaky binders is so good and I don't want to like.

Can you imagine a show that is so good that you don't want to watch an episode because it's going to fucking finish faster? Like I guess that's where I like the most. Yeah, I would. I rude the day that the succession Susan was over. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Success. God, succession is also really good.

It's not on the same level as Peaky blinders. Peaky blinders is incredible. It's the goat to you. It is. All right. There we have it. So I guess drop it or bring it up a lot and say that bothers you and have it. No way. No way.

You're comfortable. It seems like it's going to eat away at you, regardless of if you bring it up or don't. Right. But I think you can just stop believing her when you don't believe her and it's going to be fine. You don't have to have a you don't have to have a conversation. You just start just start. Yeah, right. Yeah, right.

You saw this. Yeah. Yeah. It's all you can do. Bingo, bingo, bongo. All right. Maybe we'll have Avi Tal and Jill on the live show. They can defend their POVs of watching movies with us. Definitely. All right. The email address, if you have your own questions or theme songs,

is if I were you show at gmail.com live show tickets available. I think it's online at like 6 a.m. So if you're listening to this at a normal hour, the tickets should be available on location live.com slash Jake and Amir or Jake and we're still on and we're still on Patreon. Patreon.com slash J. A. Shout out to the Patreon boys and girls. So if if you have any or sorry,

the opening theme song was written by those three guys from Calgary. And this closing one is a lost in the woods parody, which is from a Disney movie, I want to say. OK, look it up exactly lost in the woods. By Annie, Annie Ziegler from whoa, from Michigan. And something to plug is her new art account, Artabel underscore Z and PS. I'm a big fan of Jeff. Tell him I say hi, smiley face.

All right. So Artabel underscore Z, a.k.a. Annie Ziegler, Jeff, if you're listening, she says hi. Right. And we'll be back next week. Bye. Bye, everybody. If I were you. By Jake and Amir, ask your questions and send them here.

Amir's a chipmunk. And always gets the dirty. And Jake will win the golden mine. If I were you, the best podcast, they will answer all your questions and your concerns. If I were you, written by these dudes, one is cool, one is lame. Guess which one?

If I were you, tune in now and get your questions answered here. If I were you. That was a hit, dumb original.