If I Were You - 478: Exes in Texas (w/Kelcey Ayer!)

Episode Date: March 8, 2021

Musician and Headgum podcaster Kelcey Ayer joins us to discuss returning rings, playing Coachella, and his new show "The Kelcey Ayer TV Show on Radio!"Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. Who am I supposed to be again? Oh, yeah, that's right. I think I'm you, my friend. Whoa, okay. You know, we usually just play this music, shout out the artist, and move on with our lives. And sometimes we don't even do that. And sometimes we forget, but today we actually have the musician that wrote that song. And not only that, Kelsey Ayer, you did not write that song for us. That was some sort of weird cosmic coincidence because you now have a podcast on the Head Gum Network. So explain that all to me.

Yeah, explain the cosmos, explain the universe. You start from the top, God created what? And then like move us all the way to here. You have, let's say 30 seconds. So I made this show, my friend started an internet radio station because COVID hit and he was a creative person, didn't have anything to do anymore. So he was like, you should make a radio show for and you can do whatever you want. I've always been a fan of like my comedic side. And so I made this show about six people who had a variety TV show for 10 years on television and then it got canceled. So they took it to radio and I wanted to make this into a podcast, asked Head Gum if they would have me.

And they did. Thank you guys. You're a head gum. Oh yeah, I listened to that. I heard that call it. I was like, this is so, it's so bizarre. It's so funny. Do you do all the voices on that show? Yeah. That's crazy. How big, so how big is that cast? There's six people and then there's like guests that come on sometimes. Somebody's cousin comes on one time.

There's like different people that come on. So but every show I'll do each of the one of the cast members will sing a song. And for the second episode, Benjamin on the show, who is like stoned or high all of the time, wrote a song about being on mushrooms. Or while he was on mushrooms and it's called If I Were You. And then I got the podcast to be a head gum podcast and then Claire at Head Gum was like, hey, there's a show called If I Were You. And they take songs based on the title of the show. Can you write something? And I was like, I wrote, this is already part of the show. Like, do they want to use that? Maybe?

Yeah. Yeah, so what, what the fuck? Wild, just like cosmic kinship. That's right. And the show very aptly named the Kelsey Ayer on the radio show. The Kelsey Ayer TV show on radio. As a podcast. Kelsey Ayer TV show on radio on head gum. A friend convinced me to give it a really long name, which I constantly am regretting.

It's got to be good for your SEO though. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of shows that are like, if I were you titled and people can't necessarily find our podcast. Somebody searches Kelsey Ayer on TV on the radio. They'll definitely find it. Yeah. Other web series was called Lonely and Horny.

So that's like really tough to type into a search engine. You don't want to do that. Yeah, you're probably finding more videos than podcasts. Yeah. Go ahead and Google that. So on this here show, we answer people's questions and we figure, you know, why don't you stick around for a question? You can help us dissect this sticky situation and maybe provide some insight that Jake and I usually can't. Because you're in Texas right now.

Usually we have advice from the West Coast and East Coast. Straight in the middle. Now we can get it from somewhere in the middle. I'm in the middle and let me say I am the authority on all things Texas. Yeah. And who doesn't want advice from Texas? Right. All right.

So all we need is a fake name that we can call this guy so that we can, you know, preserve some level of anonymity. We don't want to out him outright on this podcast. What should we call this guy? You don't want to dox him? Yeah. Exactly. Then people, all of our millions of fans, like find where he lives and they start egging his house. We've only ever doxed accidentally like five to ten people, I would say.

And they're probably fine with it. Because it's a nice dox. They were happy at the end of the day. Yeah. It's not what's commonly known as, you know, the normal dox. A pro dox. Is this, so this guy's, so who, do I get to name him? Oh yeah.

It's a dude or a lady. You get to name him anything you want. Okay. A Canadian dude. Oh, Shane. Shane. That's perfect. Dude, Shane.

You took three minutes of just lost in thought and then you came out with the perfect name. Shane's a cool guy. It's not bad, right? And he's like looking at snow right now. He's got flannel on. It's like total Shane. Oh yeah. He's got one of those like hunting caps on with the flaps.

Yeah. Yes. I could see that. I'm a native Canada writes long time listener working up the nerve to send a theme song. Oh, you have it. But in the meantime, I have a question. Do it like Kelsey did. I was dating a girl about a year and a half ago when due to some extreme intoxicated errors,

I kissed someone else and we broke up. I'm terribly ashamed of it, but it is what it is and I can't change it. That being said, I recently discovered that she left a ring of hers at my house and I believe it was a family heirloom of some sorts. Well, I haven't spoken to her since we broke up in July and I think that's the way she wants it because again, I was not a great person. However, I'm considering breaking the radio sounds to ask her if she wants me to drop off this thing.

I asked my roommate and they presented three different options. One, keep the ring and pretend I never found it. Two, put it in a bag and drop it in her mailbox or three, just message her like a normal person. It's a bit of a ridiculous situation, but I don't want to bug her in case the ring isn't hers. And as I said, we haven't spoken or anything since July. So it's clear that she prefers us not speaking. Your fan who stays away from alcohol for now, Shane.

All right, Shane. These are three bad options, it seems, right? I know. It really depends on the context, right? I don't know. I like one of the options. Did it say how long they dated for? I think a year and a half.

A year and a half. I have a decent relationships with all my exes where it's just everyone is cool, everyone is nice, and everyone is friendly. My wife always makes fun of me for that and always gives me shit because she does not have that experience. And most people don't. In my head, I'm like, oh, I would feel fine reaching out to any ex, but I've never cheated on anybody.

That's the wrinkle. That's probably why they're friends with you still, because you didn't betray your trust. All my exes hate me, and I pretty much universally cheated on them. It makes sense. Actually, all your exes live in Texas, so Kelsey is probably near them, too. So there's probably some sort of exes for Jake's convention going to Texas right now. You can ask them what they'd want to do with the ring.

Wait, don't dox me. Oh, my God. Don't tell them. Don't tell them. What's happening? Here come the eggs. Well, what would you guys do? Would you guys text?

Would you guys throw it off? Would you guys ignore it? The reason they're all bad options is because if you message, which I think is the best, is sort of the best option, but it's not her ring, then it kind of looks like you're a scumbag sleeping around, and women are just leaving jewelry at your place all the time. And if you drop it off at her house, the worst case scenario is it is her ring, and she knows that only you could have left it in a bag on her doorstep, and you look like an asshole then, too.

And then you can't just keep the ring. That's why I think there's no good option, but I do have an alt. Do you want to hear it? Okay. You have a roommate text or get in touch with her. And the roommate just pretends they're the one that found the ring. You say, hey, so-and-so, I think I maybe found a ring of yours under the couch, whatever. Is this your ring?

And then you're not even involved, but you get the ring back. But isn't that just as bad as the guy texting? That roommate got her phone number from the guy, and then it's like, now it's another layer of the unpack. I guess I'm just picturing it. Well, you don't need a number. You could get in touch with somebody a million different ways, like if they just are on Instagram or something.

And that way, it's not necessarily like, this guy thinks this ring is yours, but isn't sure. And she could be mad at him, because if it's a family heirloom, then hell, he should have known. And if it's not her ring, then he's a scumbag. So you take him out of the situation. Right. Let's take into account that they're Canadians.

So maybe they're a little nicer, like a tiny bit. That's true. Sorry about that. Sorry about that. Yeah. And maybe since July, like she's gotten over it or they have moved on enough, I don't know. It was only a kiss. What if you drive to her house and you get on one knee and say, I found this ring.

You dropped this queen. That's not my ring. I think it belongs to the girl that you cheated on me with. Really? Shit. Do you know where she lives? The biggest wrinkle of all is that he clearly still has feelings for her. He regrets the breakup.

He's overthinking getting in touch with her. He's not drinking anymore because he feels so bad. Maybe beyond the ring, there's some kind of closure that you're seeking. And you don't even have to worry about the ring for right now. You just can say, I want to apologize. And then at the end be like, by the way, is this yours or something? Or you use the ring for the closure. You say, is this your ring?

Can I return it to you? Let's get coffee. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Using it as like an olive branch to apologize, I think that's probably should be a part of it. Yeah.

I think that's a good idea. And then you could do something like, and you can keep it. You can have this ring if you accept my apology. You can kind of use it as leverage. You know? Yeah. See, this is when we start getting into real sticky territory. Just drive by her house and throw the ring and then she'll be like, oh, the snow melted.

And I found this old ring or my old ring and it has nothing to do with this guy anymore. If you want to stay completely out of it. Yeah. If you don't forgive me, I'm melting this ring. Okay. There you go. And I'm going to make a really obnoxious nose ring and give it to the girl that I cheated on you with.

That's so hot. Okay. That's how bad I need closure. Yeah. And I'll buy all the masonry melting pot shit on Amazon and I'll do it myself. It's going to look like fucking Mordor in my garage, don't you worry about that. Shane, shut up. I love you.

I needed to hear that. You never used to say weird shit like that and I want to get back together with you. You've changed everything about us. You never were so weird to me, weird and threatening to me with my precious belongings. My precious. It all goes back to Lord of the Rings. Did we choose? We gave options, but why don't we do it?

Let's literally like the song, like the podcast says, what would you do if that were you? I would probably ignore it and pretend I didn't see it. Just move on with my life and. You're an asshole. You're a ring thief. Sorry. You're fucking Smeagol. You're a golem.

All right. Yeah. You lost the ring and I'll just pretend I never found it and then I don't have to think about it anymore. That's what I would do. I would do the alt thing that I'd ask my roommate to do it. Yeah. Someone else returned the ring for me because I'm conflict-averse.

Yeah. I am also conflict-averse and I would probably think about it for like another year and then like forget about it and then five years later I would remember it and then I'd be like, oh, shit, and then I would be like, it's too late and then it'd be over. That's probably what. So it's sort of a combination of milkshakes. That's what I would do. Yeah.

Yeah. Probably. Yeah. No offense to Miranda. Yeah. It's definitely Miranda. Listen, you can't be wrong when you're saying what you would do. That's just, that's your truth and that's fair.

Thanks. All right. Kelsey. What's that podcast? The Kelsi Air TV show on radio, the podcast, maybe I just like start doing that because it's like. The ride. Yeah.

The ride, the experience, the book. And you can just go to headgum.com and it's there. That's like the easiest way. For sure. Yeah. You guys would know. Right. Your headgum.

Or you can search. And yeah, will you tell us, give us like the elevator pitch for the podcast, even though you sort of already did, but that it was tied into this theme song. So, how would you describe the podcast to anybody? It's this late night TV show host and his cast members got, their television show of 10 years canceled and they're trying to revive it on radio as a podcast. There you have it. There it is.

And it's amazing. It's excellent, heartwarming, so funny and thoughtful. And the person who does it is just like so handsome and you. Yes. Yes. Yes. It is wildly impressive that you're able to do this and you're just also a professional musician on the side.

Like you're doing comedy. Yeah, we didn't even say, we didn't even talk about your other career. Yes. Yeah. Do you want to tell everybody what you do aside from that? I'm in a medium font size Coachella band called Local Natives. Nice. Medium font size Coachella.

That's a great descriptor to go with. You get in that font size, it's hard to move up, but it's all good. I'm appreciative to be any font size. That is Zen 2021 talking. I like it. Yeah. I'm in this. Any font size is okay.

I'm in this band. I've been in Local Natives for, I've been singing with these guys for 16 years. Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. A long time. And then all our tours got canceled. And I've always, I've loved comedy so much and I've always loved making my friends and

them laugh and stuff. And I've always wanted to do it in some form. I've tried like open mic stand-ups on the road that have either. Wow. They've either been fine or horrible. Yeah. That sounds scary. Yeah.

That sounds funny. Yeah. That's rough. I did some groundlings classes, but apparently you need to commit, you need to marry the groundlings for 10 years straight to do anything, to get anywhere with that. Jesus Christ. But so finally a pandemic happened and my friend was like, do a radio show and you can do whatever you want.

And this thing just happened and I was like stunned that it felt like it happened so quickly. It was over the summer. Every week I tried to like finish a whole episode with like a fake commercial and a joke song and a skit. And so like all of these are, that's on the podcast, they're all like tinkered with, but basically were made in the span of a few days. Damn.

That is, that's really impressive. And I mean, we love it. We're honored to have it on the network. All right. Kelsey, thank you so much for dropping by, for lending your voice, for lending your song, for having a podcast and for answering that question. Oh yeah. Amazing.

Yes. My pleasure. Thank you for having me. Of course. Well, let's take a break and come back with more questions and answers after these messages. Thank you to stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business.

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You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four week trial, free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow.

That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect.

I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great.

Really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant.

We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah.

Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame?

Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app.

I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as

your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit AuraFrames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames.

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Okay. Go get your parents something, all right? And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back. Jake, do you have any?

Oh, it's a lift to the device. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. You know, I think kind of. Kind of. I watched a show recently that I pretty much liked. It was pretty good. You pretty much liked and it was pretty good.

And you want to advise people to watch it. I enjoyed it. Okay. I vaguely craved watching it. Like Jill didn't want to watch it as fast as I want to watch it. You know? Like that's kind of like a show is good where I'm like, can we watch the next episode? Like, hey, what are you doing?

Do you want to watch an episode of Blank? Yeah. Yeah. So it was like that. Well, no, she was into it also. So it feels, it's so hard to find a show that like everybody likes and we're all on the same episode of and it's just like, when you find a show that you're watching with someone, it's like, you know, it feels good.

So I want to give someone listening that feeling. Have you ever, how many times do you watch a pilot and you're like, no, that's not it. We're not watching another episode of that or we give up. I feel like more often I'm spending way too much time looking for the perfect show to start. I see. Like I think I've, I've wasted like hours of valuable TV, watching time, scrolling through TV, starting something for like a few seconds and then not liking it, reading

a list about what's available and trying to sign up for like a free weekly trial of stars so I can watch something, you know, I feel like all of the hunting for the TV takes a longer time. And usually by the time I've watched a pilot, I feel like I've, I'm committing to watching the first season. Like I've finished 10 episodes of shows that I hated. Yeah. Wow.

Like what? What's a show that you hated but you watched a full season of? Your honor on Showtime, Brian Pranson. Oh, I've been told to watch that and really liked it, I think. Well, she's actually not right to do that too. It was like an Israeli mini series or something? No, you're thinking of a different thing. You're thinking of Taran.

I think, no, I think this, yes, I think he plays a judge, right? And then his son is like, yeah, I think that was an Israeli mini series. Oh, that they adapt. All right. Yeah. There's also, there was another Israeli mini series that they adapted called Taran, but I guess that was on Apple TV anyway. But that was the entire show.

That wasn't just the first season, right? Like they made eight episodes and that's it forever, I think. Oh, of Your Honor? Yeah. Yes. I believe, I believe that is correct. And it seems like, I don't know, it was so bad. They like found out in the, like while they're filming, I think COVID fucked it up.

And then they found out like after they had shot some of the other episodes that they weren't getting in a second season. So they like had to tie it up in an episode. And I see. It's all, but it's all, it was all garbage. It's so bad. It's a really bad show. My show that I like, that's actually good is called The Bridge.

It's a reality TV competition show. Okay. So yeah, why not just watch sports at a certain point? The ultimate reality competition show is like eight hours of basketball every day. Why is The Bridge better than that? Because in The Bridge, it's like 12 people from the United Kingdom in the North like countryside of England in the woods, building an 850 foot bridge to a little island where there's $100,000 in cash.

So they have to work together to build The Bridge there. It's shot really well. It's narrated by James McAvoy, which you can't say about basketball. And I think the reason that sports are interesting is, to me anyway, is like when, when there's emotional stakes, you know, like you can't just turn on a game and be like, oh, this is good. I'm watching good basketball. Like I like to know the stories of people on the team, like these guys have a rivalry.

This person has never beat this person, you know, stuff like that. And that's what The Bridge really gives you. It gives you the backstory. Yeah. It's weird with basketball, the players get paid either way. So it's weird that they care so much. Like at the end of the year, the players that made 30 million should be jumping for joy. Like they just won a championship, whether or not they actually did.

And then the poor players should walk off the court, bummed and upset, even if they did win a championship, if they don't make as much cash. They're all, I think they're just like driven by being competitive. Like it's, it's got to be part of your nature to like be, to strive to be the best means like you love winning. I wonder if you could like ask LeBron, if you, if he would choose to get paid less and win a championship or get paid more and lose every year, it feels like he would want to win every year.

Yeah. And that's, that's why I'll never make it. Cause like as soon as I ink that huge contract, I'm going to be celebrating. Yeah. Like if I'm, if like Mike Conley is a non all star point guard, makes 35 million a year. I'm just at the end of every game, whether we lost by 20 or one by six, I'm sort of popping the champagne in the locker room after, cause you're rich, but he asked me, yeah, I made $1.6 million this week.

That's why I'm fucking thrilled. Yeah. Yeah. And it's getting into the eyes of like a 10 day contract, undrafted rookies that are making like $68,000. They have to celebrate with me. I mean, they're the contracts have clauses. So like if you're drunk every night hung over off of champagne on the court, they probably, you would be in breach of your contract.

Like they really probably stipulate that you have to like try, you know, you can't, I didn't read the things, I didn't read the fine print. Yeah, there is fine. You know, Aaron Boone, actually, the reason the reason the Yankees got a rod is because Aaron Boone broke his or fucked up his knee playing pick up basketball, which was actually a violation of his contract. He wasn't allowed to play pick up basketball. So they were able to drop him and they picked up a rod.

And for that, sir, you are cut from the Grizzlies. That's right. Well, he's on Utah now. So that's probably fine for Mike Connelly specifically. Yeah, yeah, the jazz, the jazz, the jazz don't mind. Yeah. So anyway, these guys are building a bridge, a bridge to cash. And we're supposed to just sort of watch them in that they have to, are they like engineers

or is it just like me and you trying to guess what a bridge would look like? It's like, no, they're all such random. They all have very random jobs. There's one guy who like is kind of an engineer. He works on cars and then eventually like a military vet who was an engineer comes in in the middle of the show. I don't want to spoil anything. Okay.

Like you've got to just see for yourself. But the point is that the hundred thousand dollars, only one of them will win it, but they still all have to work together to get to the island. So just for the opportunity to win a hundred thousand dollars, they need to work together building the bridge. And then once they've done that, then they don't know who is going to win or how, but they know only one person will walk away with the money. And they keep on playing like mind games with people.

Like at some point, like, um, somebody has a choice to like either bring like tools that they need, uh, back to the, back to the camp to help with the bridge or he can take $5,000 from the pot. Uh, it seems like they're making up rules as they go along in this weird. These certainly are. Have you seen survivor? Like people really like survivor and that's like more cash survivor. Yeah, I have not seen survivor.

It's really like, it's funny. I think of myself as somebody who doesn't care about reality TV and I don't really watch any reality TV, but then like something like love is blind came on. And I, and I fucking loved it. I want, I think I love reality TV and I try to avoid it unless, unless like somebody ropes me into it and then I like binge consume all of it. Yeah. I think everybody likes reality TV.

The thing is that people that don't like it are just not watching it. And so they don't get sucked in, but like if you forced someone to sit down and watch three episodes of 10 different reality TV shows, they'll probably want to continue watching like eight out of the 10. Like they're, they're chemically made to be addictive and you're, you're just naturally wanting to watch more. That's right. That is correct.

I, I remember like just getting into like, like eight years ago, like a real estate Bravo show or like a Persian dudes of Beverly Hills, like it's not something that I liked, but like once you watch four of them, you're like, ooh, I can't wait to find out what these people are up to this week. Yeah. Maybe it's almost like a podcast, actually. Once you start, once you like, just sort of know somebody, you like get someone's vibe, you're like, Oh yeah, I'll just like, watch them do stuff.

They're my friend, you know? Yeah. Oh, interesting. We should do that. We should start like a podcast about like, we already have a podcast. I'm saying like, it could be, that's what I was going to say. Like, yeah, that's what this segment is. We're, yeah, I was going to say, we can give tips about like what we're watching,

answer some questions and let people into our lives. That's true. That's true. Yeah, I get that. I get that. Why would we start a second product project? My identity was stolen. Actually, I was, you shouldn't have made it your Instagram bio.

I was had, I was taken advantage of and I had to become somebody's dog for a week. I was so hacked and hacked. If you're wondering why I'm poor and sad today, you know why I signed up for an account and I need an account. It wasn't real. I haven't paid my taxes in a day, which is fine because I'm not making cash at the moment because I made it through 2024. I'm in between slobs.

So these two sort of messy billionaires passed me around back and forth one week with Tim, one week off, one week with Rob, one week off. So right now I'm in between slobs on Bravo and like this show is about what happens when I'm between these two slobs. I think that's the premise of 90 day fiance. Really? Can't be certain, but I think that is. Oh, actually, we got a question about scamming.

So why don't we answer this guy's question? We'll call him, uh, scam, what's a good, what's a famous person who's named Sam Sam, uh, Mendez, the director. Yeah, call this guy scam Mendez. Nice sub juice. I matched with a girl on hinge and she was cute and seemed fun and cool. Anyway, we were chatting and she, uh, she mentioned that she actually doesn't live in my city of DC, but is moving here in a couple of weeks.

We've been test texting back and forth for a couple of days, but today she asked me to help her move. Is this girl for real or is she scamming me to get some free labor? Just with a promise of a date and possibly not even pizza and beer. Thanks love scam Mendez. So this lady is chatting and is like, yeah, actually don't live in DC, but I am moving if you can help me carry the couch out of the U-Haul and up the two floors. It's a third story walk up and then afterwards maybe we can get a drink is

moving a cute first date or is it terrible bad? Very not good. I think it's a cute first date to help someone pick up a lamp that they bought on Craigslist or, or something like that, like a, a furniture pickup that's something lighter than armchair or less. Okay. Nightstand maybe no dresser, no couch. No soap, not even a love seat.

Okay. If I can be fucking real with everybody, I don't think a chore. Look, a chore is a boy. That's what I'm saying. This is you on the bridge explaining why you took five grand instead of asking for nails. Listen, we can build the bridge, but I'd rather have a fucking VW bug when I get back.

So I took someone to your date me. I'm serious. I'll help you move when we get back off the island or on the island, whatever the fuck we're supposed to do. Yeah. So at the same time, she, like, I don't think that it's necessarily a scam. I feel like this person's moving to a new city or a new neighborhood and they don't know anybody yet, so they do genuinely need help.

But yeah, a scam would be like, Hey, meet me here. And then it's like, Oh, there's a U-Haul filled with couches and now you have to move them. Like she's being kind of upfront about her intentions, which is to help you. Right. If anything, it'd be more of a scam if, if she wanted to help you move because then all your stuff's in a truck and she could drive away or something. You know, that's actually a pretty good scam.

Yeah. That's really good. It's a solid scam. Yeah. You like, so how could I say I can help? I wonder it doesn't. You have a job. You run a podcast network.

I know, but I'm just wondering if I could and we have a page and it's just like you're because I can get on hinge. You don't need to right now. I'm sort of in between two sloths. So if I could get everything, not everything is an opportunity for you to fucking con people out of their money. By the way, you couldn't be on hinge. You couldn't close if you were paid to.

Okay. You wouldn't get a really don't think I can steal a chair off hinge. Holy shit. I'm going to set up a profile right now that I'm going to leave here with an Aims, six months to get a fucking Herman Miller or better. I don't think so. I don't think my aim is to get an Aims. All right.

So that's what I'm sort of going for. And once I'm there and I have the chair buyers beware, you'll owe me $5,000 at the end of the day. Talk about buyer's remorse. I mean, come on. Um, what? I would just, I was just making a joke. You mean what?

I was making a joke about how anybody who matched with you would be regretful because don't even take it personally. Cause you were talking about robbing them. Why are you looking at me like you're upset? You really think that I'm not good enough to be with a chair owner, right? Say it. You've been sort of hemming and hawing around the whole issue. So why don't we, why don't you say what you're thinking?

Yeah. Say what you think. This entire conversation started with me saying that you couldn't get with somebody that had a chair and eat. Wow. And he said it. Congratulations. Episode 476.

And the truth comes flowing out. That's right. Congratulations. No, I thank you. I've been in therapy for 20 years and I never made a breakthrough like that. That's really good. Thank you. You actually fucking said it.

You can stop clapping. You can really stop. Yeah. That's just it. I knew you were going to say, and it's still hurt to hear because like, I didn't think you had the balls to fucking stare me over the zoo. You asked me to say, yeah, you don't have what it takes to get with someone who has a chair.

Oh, and my girlfriend, she's a chair owner. What? Like she owns a chair store or like a furniture line. No, no. She, uh, she has a set of like four chairs that she bought from Ikea. And, uh, yeah, an accent seat and Ottoman to boot. God, I love a girl with a good accent seat. Or better.

So this lady asked you to help her move. You're saying, uh, I'm unavailable that day. Or, uh, I don't think that's a good idea, but let me know when you're settled in. Yeah. I feel like I think you can just get out of it without being like, I don't think we're at the stage where I can help you move. I think you could find out the date that she's doing it. Uh, and just say you're not available.

That's fine. I don't think that she's like counting on you. It sounds like it was a kind of a casual ask. So like you're going to be okay, but I would not do it. I think it's cute for a second, but then moving is hard. There's a, there's highs and lows. So you don't want to be there for the lows. Like imagine how do you, how do you get out of like, if she's like, Hey,

could you help me move on Saturday? What do you say? Um, I would be like this Saturday and she'd be like, yeah, I was like, is there any other day you could do it? And then she'll say, no, it has to be a Saturday, Sunday. Let's do it on Sunday then. Is it this weekend? I'm going out of town.

I actually, I'll do it for Monday for you, sweet cheeks. As long as you can help me for free. It's a long weekend. Actually, it's a long, it's a long weekend. It's a long everything baby. Let's do Tuesday then. No pizza or beer, but you'll be there my dear and you can help me move. Unless you have a hemorrhoid.

And now she's sort of put you in a checkmate Queens gambit situation where you have to admit you either have an anal fissure of sorts, or you can help her lift up the armoire. Yeah, I guess if she backed me into that much of a corner, I would admit that my anus had a popped little blood vessel on it and I couldn't, I couldn't exert myself too much. That's really hot. Yeah, I wouldn't want anything to happen to my ass.

What if you show up and there's five other guys that she's been chatting with all on a hinge, all down to help her move. Now that's like a sick episode. Yeah, exactly. All right. Let's take a break. Think some more sponsors and come back with more questions and answers after this.

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Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you. Squarespace. And we're back. All right. One last question.

This one's a goodie. This one's a lady who will call who's a lady on bridge or is it the bridge? Uh, yeah, uh, the bridge, um, let me, Jesus, I don't remember anybody's name. Um, well, it just, well, I remember, oh God, what about Bridget? It's sort of like a female bridge. Yeah. That's, that's perfect. I don't think anybody, uh, cares about the bridge too much.

All right, Bridget writes, uh, my boyfriend turned fiance proposed to me recently and I'm genuinely excited to marry him. As we told friends and family, I started to learn some of the details behind the engagement he decided to propose sometime in early December. Um, so I started doing the math in late November. I mentioned him to him out of nowhere that I thought I ought to give him more blowjobs. I don't remember what got me thinking about it, but we've been together for

four years and while other things have increased in frequency, I admittedly haven't gone down on him much this past year as I had when we first started dating to put it bluntly after this conversation in November, I approached sucking dick with the enthusiasm of a misguided Dyson engineer. Sheesh. Here's my question. Should I be worried that he proposed a few weeks after this started specifically? I'm worried that the dopamine from copious cock, cock sucking put him in a state

of mind where getting engaged to ASAP seems like a good idea. Given the short amount of time between his decision to propose and when we got engaged, I'm worried that I'll regret this in a few months when the dust has settled. Should I bring it up or just hope the timing is unrelated? This is like a, a modern Seinfeld or an always sunny subplot. She'll, he'll leave it proposed to me because I was going down on him more often. This is a life hack for what?

Like if you ever want the dude to do something, it's like, okay, let's give him the fucking dopamine rush. And then he'll, I don't know, propose or give me that chair that I've always wanted. So like, for example, I really want, like, let's say I'm talking to you and I really want, I'd love to like stay at your house this summer and you're like, probably not. And then you, so I would blow you back. I would, I would go down on you for a month in a row.

See, now we're talking about it. Let's fucking negotiate. You're at the very least intrigued as to what this could lead to. The length of time, the length of time sparked joy because I was able to disassociate it from, uh, it happened from you. Really what the, what's at the, the core here is that you are the type of partner who apropos of nothing decided that you wanted to be a more generous oral sex giver, like without any, without expecting anything in return.

You were just like, you know what, I don't go down on you enough. I'm going to start doing it. I think regardless of like if it wasn't exclusively the, you know, the busting nuts and stuff, but it feels kind of like if you're with somebody that's that kind of thoughtful blowjobs aside, but just, you know, somebody that, that is, uh, a giver, I would say, I think that makes you, uh, marriage material and it's not necessarily tied to the blow job. The blow job is an extension of the type of person you are.

Yeah. I mean, and I should say this goes either way. Like if I ever wanted to make sure that like my lover was giving me the things that I wanted, whether it be the chairs or if I wanted some sort of favors in return, I would also, um, use this quote life hack in which I would go down on them to the point where they, they, they were giving me treats. They were giving me sweets and they were giving me seats. Quite frankly, I want that's what you want Miller.

I want the aims. Yeah. I need a place to park my ass and sit down and enjoy it myself. But yeah, I think like you said, the dopamine rush was from oral sex in this specific, um, instance, but the idea of you wanting to be a more generous person in general, um, yeah, maybe that had something to do with it, but I don't think you need to bring it up. Or, uh, I don't think that this is dangerous or bad in any way.

Yeah. The other factors to consider are like when, I don't, like, I think that you start thinking about proposing a lot longer before you actually start activating on it. Like if he started ring shopping around this time, he's probably been, he'd been thinking about it or, you know, longer. It's not like a casual thing to like set up the engagement, um, without like thinking about it ahead of time.

But even if he was on the fence and she blew him towards one side or another, I don't know if there's, she's like worried. I don't know if that's anything to worry about. I don't think he's doing it just to get a chair out of you. If that's what you're thinking right out, like that's the situation. It's not, uh, it's not head for chairs. That's not what's happening. Unless it's like a really dope ass seat, I wouldn't see that.

I wouldn't consider anything. What's a dope ass seat besides a Herman Miller, which you keep on bringing up? If you're a chair boy or a bark, a lounger, I was going to say, a big boy that you can just sort of fall back into. And then yeah, something like that, maybe, but yeah, probably not. I think he genuinely does want to be with you forever. Right. It's not about the weird bet he made to get a chair.

Who did he make a bet with to get a charity thing? Exactly. I don't think anybody, unless it's like his cousin and they had this. Feels like you're the only person that would do that. Is this your cousin? Did you make a bet with your cousin? I've been at a standing desk, so he could get you a chair. I've been at a standing desk for so long that I've started coveting these fucking

yeah, recliners, I guess. And I, I see them a couple of weeks ago. Pavlovian advice was to get a standing desk, wasn't it? Yeah. Now I can't fucking look at a seat without getting half chubbed for it. That's like a weird sexual Pavlovian response. I don't know if I've, you don't have any other seats in your house. Did you get rid of your chairs?

No, it's here. But you know what they say, chair today gone tomorrow. I got rid of most cherish what you have. You have ways. Actually, you were just saying that they got rid of one of your favorite drinks from the Starbucks, so you understand what it's like to love something. And then one day it goes away forever. Yeah, that's right.

I, I, I believe I've talked about on the show that I, that I get the the dark cocoa almond milk cold brew. Yeah. And then started, started off as a treat, you know, on the weekends. Letting to, you know, to kick off a Monday to celebrate a Friday. But I had sounds like an AA meeting hard workout. Yeah, it kind of is. And then before I fucking knew it, I was getting a venti cold brew with dark

cocoa almond from every single morning. I'd have a bad day if I didn't get one. And it got to the point where I was like, I need to stop drinking this drink. And it would often happen as I was in the car on the way home from Starbucks drinking my drink. And I'd be like, you know what, tomorrow I was going to get a fucking black coffee like I used to. And every single day I, I said it to myself, but in the morning I would

forget because I just had that expectation and that wish fulfillment. And then today my brother texted me a screenshot of the Starbucks app with the, with the drink that we always order. And, and it said, out of season, out of season, like they took it off the menu. Like mocha is not in for the spring or something, even though it was on the menu in the summer. And, and I felt, excuse me, I'm talking, excuse me, I'm finishing a story. I, it was, it was more than, it wasn't more than a gut punch.

It was an ass kick. It was a slap in the face, more than a slap on the wrist. Do you know what I'm saying? It's a knock upside down. You wanted this so you can't get chocolate milk anymore or something. Shot through the heart. Yeah. Yeah.

Because I wanted to give up on this drink and the drink gave up on me first. And that's, that's what hurts the most. Yeah. No, that's fine. So that's what hurts the most. It's nice. So you'll get something else, something else will be your seasonal drink or whatever the fuck.

Who cares? It's not about a seasonal, I gotta eat it around. I gotta eat it around. Dark almond cocoa powder, what was it? It's cold brew. And then they mix the cocoa powder, the mocha fudge sauce. They mix the sauce, the mocha sauce, dark cocoa almond powder, and the almond milk. And then it gets blended up and it gets poured in my cold brew.

It's all about the sauce. Have you thought of, you know, combining your passion for this drink and your newly found joy in cooking and perhaps you can make this or an equivalent at home? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have. Yes, you.

The real issue is ice. Cause I can get the shot. I can. Sorry, you can get this very proprietary Starbucks cocoa powder, but you can't get ice talking about ice. This is so much more common. I can, it's the, it's the chip ice at Starbucks. It's that fucking, it's like filling up an, it's filling up a cup with crunchy, crispy

ice. That's what's nice. That's why they call me fucking liquid nice. All right. I thought they called you Guyton ice, which is obviously more apropos because it's ice themed. So I was going to say they call me Guyton ice, but then I think that's your nickname. I actually like ice so much that they call you liquid nice, which is the one

thing ice is not. It ultimately didn't work because I realized midway through that you were Guyton ice, but I had to finish it. All right. Thanks for calling me out. Thanks for calling me. I basically had a pitch perfect soliloquy and fucking stumbled on the one yard line.

That's all you're going to remember. Not cool. Damn. Does this mean that you went the dirty? Yeah. For not fucking not giving me an out of boy for, for really crushing, uh, what I think was, I'll, I mean, bringing a pretty vulnerable piece of myself to the podcast for which I obviously I'm going to win the golden mic because I think

that, that connection, that, that raw emotion, that's what people respond to. That's what people respect. That's what I respect. And I appreciate the golden mic and winning it for not necessarily a joke, but for just being real. I think that's really awesome. And I appreciate it. I give you real.

I've been real before and you said that was Turdy worthy behavior. No one wants to get to know the real us. It's all about make them laugh, make them laugh, make them smile, make them crack up, which I'm trying to do. But then you said, I get the turn for this week. Sometimes you try too hard. Sometimes you try too hard. The whole fucking, the chair thing was tacky.

Oh, it stemmed from a question. How is it tacky? And we were trying to answer it. I thought it was over the top solid. It was a little tacky. No, it was a little tacky. You hand it up and you phoned it in from being honest. The Beasley thing, the Mike Beasley thing.

What? The Mike Conway thing. Mike Conley? Yeah. No, it's tacky. You don't even remember. You don't even remember what I said. You're saying it's tacky.

But yeah, no, I do appreciate winning the GM and you got the big T. T's for Turdy. I know. I know. I have it. I guess every episode I'm starting to realize regardless of what I do, right? And every single one, but most for sure. OK, great.

Nice. You got it. You lost the drink, but you got the fucking award. Congratulations. These are good Starbucks every day. No, I'm doing the home cold brew thing. So like I just buy a jug of cold brew and I add oat milk to it, which I guess is more of the cold brew.

Do you it's cost it's cost effective. Do you do the concentrate? Or do you do the the full just like, you know, like a liter jug of just straight cold brew? I think it's like half concentrate. So like I add enough almond milk or oat milk to the cold brew where it's like almost a one to one or a two to one ratio. Nice. How many do you know if it's cost of one in the morning?

Yeah, I don't think it is cost effective because the jug is 10 bucks. I guess it might be if it lasts me like four or five days. It's still like two to three bucks. Right. It's like barely cost effective. The most cost effective, I guess, is what buying beans and making it yourself. But it's hard to to get cold brew. Right.

Cold brew. Like I I'd make iced coffee at home, but that's just like hot coffee that I put in the fridge. I think that's what it is. Like I saw I saw this Instagram ad for the blue bottle cold brew thing, which is probably like a lot fancier than it needs to be. And it was like just this huge jug that you put coffee beans in and then you fill it up with water and you literally leave it in your fridge overnight. And that's that's what cold brew is.

You just have to let it go for longer and let it give it enough time to cool off. So I guess maybe that's the most cost efficient thing. Yeah, that's I mean, I think that my new my newfound love of cooking, which I would describe as me becoming like a chef. I know you would gastronomist gastronomist gastro economic learn what it is before you say I am trying. I'm trying. OK, you're trying to learn what I'm being real.

That's all it is. That's all I appreciate the people appreciate that. I think if I would a goal of mine, I would endeavor this summer to be making my own cold brew. I'll put it in there. It's pretty easy. It seems it seems pretty easy. Yeah, it does. But yeah, I've never ground beans.

I've never done that. I've never gotten the coffee beans and ground them. And I've never used ground beans and used like a filter like the way you've never even made your own coffee. Never never made. Yeah, I guess I do. I make my own coffee a solid amount. But I think I'm always I it's hard to do consistently.

I feel like every time I make coffee, it's a it's like a little bit better than a coin flip that it's going to come out well. And I don't know why that is. Yeah, I'm not like a coffee snob. So I'm sure it's whatever I make will be fine for me. But yeah, I can see it like being watered down or not strong enough or too strong. That's really the issue. I think that for me, it's like if it's if it's watery, I like I don't mind when it's

burnt, I like strong coffee and I like a bitter coffee taste. But if it tastes too watery, that's what I that's when I'm pissed. Yeah. And if it doesn't taste like mocha sauce, it's clear that you just like chocolate milk, man, like you're obsessed with the mocha sauce, the cocoa foam. Yeah. Actually, the cocoa foam really is not doing much. It's really the sauce.

Yeah, I get it. That's what it does. Which actually that's why I tried this morning when it was out of season. I tried to just go in and make my own, basically Frankenstein to drink because I knew the ingredients and what they didn't have, what you couldn't add. You could add any flavor. It's the ice. It's not the sauce.

Not the sauce. Yeah. You also need plastic cups if you want to complete the experience at home. Drinking it out of the plastic cup. I don't I don't miss. I used to bring my own cup to Starbucks, but they stopped letting you do that because of the pandemic. Mm.

Wow. I prefer not to have a Starbucks cup because I don't like to advertise how much I like it except for on this podcast, but I don't like walking down the street, holding a big like start like venti Starbucks mocha cold brew. The venti is the big one. Yeah. Venti's Trenti's the biggest, biggest, but venti's the, the, like the max normal person size and the way the cold brew dark cocoa almond foam looks like it's

really nice when it's full, but as soon as you take that first sip, like all the foam is like kind of cakey and weird on the top. It just, it looks like it's starting to dry and congeal on the sides. It's a nasty looking drink. I'd hate to like see someone on the street when I was halfway done with it. Yeah. All right. A lot of shame, I guess, but they took the drink away from you.

So you don't have to worry about it anymore. I was giving up the drink anyway. You can't, you can't fire me. I quit the drink. You're yelling into the Starbucks app on your phone. I actually, I actually cut you. I'm out of season with you. Quite frankly, I will take my money today.

I would like to know just tell me who your wholesaler is. Cause I would like a pallet of the sauce. That's 144 gallons of the sauce and that'll last me a year. Cause it never expires cause it's syrup. Uh, all right, that's it. That's our time. Thanks for listening. If you have your own questions or theme songs, send them on down to

if I were you show at gmail.com. Of course, the opening one was that Kelsey air, uh, jam. If I were you per app behind and this closing one, I'm very excited. I called for it last week and all my favorite songs by Weezer parody. Again, just because Jacob LeGrand did it, doesn't mean that you guys shouldn't also do it because I like every single one. That's right. Uh, don't have anything to plug, but if you can settle, wow, settle

an argument with my friend, Ryan, that would be legit. This is crazy. Who has better coffee, Starbucks or Duncan? Thanks for all that you do. Oh, love the Patreon and the live show. Have, we're, I guess you're an East coaster, but like, it seems like the divide is West coast, like Starbucks, East coast loves Duncan, but maybe it's a specifically Boston thing, but you didn't grow up with that.

Yeah. I think it's more of a Boston thing and it is kind of a Connecticut thing, but like where we grew up in New Haven, it's, you're a little bit, uh, I felt more aligned with New York city than Boston, um, or like Northern Connecticut or other parts of Connecticut where Duncan Donuts would kind of be the thing. I don't know. I also started drinking.

You have Duncan in a pinch. Yeah, definitely. Definitely. I like, I like Duncan. I bet if I started drinking coffee earlier, I'd really like Duncan, but I started drinking coffee when I was like 24 or 25 and I was living in New York. And there really weren't Duncan Donuts, maybe a couple, but it was a star, it was a Starbucks city.

That's right. Still is. God makes you think Starbucks world. I'd love to be real with you guys for a second. Fucking mermaids. No, I don't think so. You don't get the opportunity to do that. You don't get the fuck.

You don't deserve it because you won the turdy. No one wants to hear authenticity from the turdy guy. All right. Yeah, I was going to say, yeah, you get that. I get that. Oh, like, I was going to try to stick it at the buzzer. Right. Yeah.

But nobody wants to know who you are or about you or anything because you're the turdy man. Well, you are the turdy man. You are the turdy link. Goodbye. Goodbye. Yeah, that's fine. I'm saying you could probably, you can obviously change that.

All right, man. Uh, yeah, this is Jacob LeGrand's, all my favorite song. Weezer parody. Thank you guys for listening. Other other shit. Blumenfeld, I guess. Right. Solid performance from Jay Money, from the pinch, from Guyton Ice, from liquid nice.

Not that bad, bad, bad, he deserves a mic. That's golden clad. Give them here the golden mic. Give them here the golden mic. That was a hit gum original.