If I Were You - 479: Scare Me (w/Josh Ruben!)

Episode Date: March 15, 2021

Actor/Director/Friend Josh Ruben joins us to discuss cursed roommates and blessed bathtubs -- as well as his movie SCARE ME which is on Shutter/iTunes right now!Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. I don't know what's wrong with me I don't know what's wrong with me By the top shot it was 10k But it won't sell and I feel sick That was all my girlfriend's savings So I'm all alone cause she hates me I was trying to get rich

I think God owes me Call me liquid nice But don't take that nickname from me All my favorite jokes make no one laugh All my favorite podcasts sound like trash Love my mom but I don't love my dad, dad, dad All my favorite jokes make no one laugh I don't know what's wrong with me

Damn Whoa That sums up what it is to be a fan of Jake and Amir All my favorite jokes make no one laugh I can imagine that Josh Rubin in the house Josh, what do you think of that? Who was that? Dadly Ambrulia?

Nice It was a little... Who was that Bradley Ambrulia? Michelle Brams? I thought it was fine The effort was okay We brought Josh in to be the Simon Cowell of If I Were You And I give it a fanship for...

No, no, no Anyway, my titties are sad It's very well done They have a wonderful career ahead of them Now I'm the Paula Abdul Well, this guy... You're crying You're turning it to all four of them at the same time

I personally requested a Weezer parody for my new favorite song All my favorite songs make no one sad All my favorite songs make me feel sad I don't even know the lyrics of my own favorite song Either way, we got a bunch of good ones And this one is from Tad's Shepherd Just shout me out Tiago de Souza, working on music currently

But maybe I'll have something to plug in the future So thank you, Tiago de Souza Hey, Tiago! That could have been Tadly Ambrulia Holy shit It could have been Tadly Ambrulia I almost meant to say Bradley Ambrulia You ever do that when you're like

I'm gonna say Bradley Ambrulia You just never say that Yeah You know what I mean Josh, how the hell are you? We haven't caught up since the world started birding First of all, you guys look phenomenal Sound great

I have my airports in We all have a road mic, a shore mic And iced coffee and milk We all have a milk We all have milk It's been a minute This time last year Like this week last year was my last date

Like out in the world Like my fiance and I We went to the Invisible Man And then went to get a massage You know, an interesting date It all worked out You said fiance Yeah, it did

You have to introduce some bright light of good news You know, in the shit field That was 2020 But I remember like that when we We just see a matinee And they're like Let's get a massage This random place in Silver Lake

And we went and the masseuse shook our hands And then she immediately Like started pumping Purell into her hand As if to make it And I was just like This is something I did Like I knew that, you know It was coming

But it did make me feel bad And so it was just like kind of being To like touch like all over the place What a last thing to do before Like we'll never ever touch somebody again Without being like Oh, are we going to be okay? Yeah, I don't know

I don't know I'm going to get a deep Swedish Like, you know In a window In a windowless room ever But a damn good last hurrah That's the last massage you'll ever get Yeah

Oh, and I like, yeah Eight like a sloppy burger Alamo Draft House Watching Invisible Man Which was like the last film in theaters So Lee Waddell is just swimming In surplus cash Because it's like

It was a good movie It was kind of like, you know After 9-11 and was like Fuck it, I'll see glitter Like why not I'll see Mariah Carey in glitter Like it's out I'll see glitter

Yeah, it's like you knew You knew it was going to be your last hurrah Like why would you get a massage Without knowing full well exactly What was about to go down What was the last thing you guys did In the real world, you know Like when things were normal

What's your last memory I remember Not having to think about it I remember what it was I went to a sports bar To watch a Laker game And it was cutting it so close That I felt bad shaking people's hands

Like I was like People would like Go to shake my hand Like maybe let's be safe And like elbow bump And I got a weird look That's like alright bro Like relax man

It's going to be gone in a day And then I want to find those people Be like hey remember when you Want to fucking shake my hand Well he died He ended up having COVID And he died I want to go to the funeral

I can't remember if we've talked About this on the podcast But like all of the Everybody like the guys that run head gum We all had like a zoom And I think Amir I think it was you Or maybe Cohen asked

Like on a scale of like Raise your hands How concerned are you guys About coronavirus And we all did it on the count of three And I put up two fingers And I'm saying deuces to this shit I think about it every single day

How wrong, how wrong I got it My sister who actually She's a touring musician And had gotten back from Wuhan She's patient zero Like not long before it all happened Yeah she's like She's like I'm telling you

Something is coming Like she bought us walkie talkies A life straw Which filters out like piss To make it drinkable Two N95s Like the real ones That are now you know

$6,000 And you know like a map of LA And she's like please take this home Because I was in New York And I was like fuck you sister Like no And I begged her I begged her to risk her life

And go to a post office And send it to me And she did And she laughed She cackled She's like I need to drink my own piss Send me the piss straw sis Please I don't have any TP

I don't have any TP please And that was after you got vaccinated This was just last week you begged her For the piss straw This was like 62 hours ago Honestly I just got bored in lockdown Now I'm just curious about the piss straw

I'm finally willing to admit I was wrong But also throughout this Quarantine you released a movie Which is like a pretty big accomplishment For a year where a lot of people Felt too despondent to do anything And as a 30-something white male I thought what a better time to show off

And tell people how great I'm doing Yes One movie came out Another one is like Announcements are starting to come out About yes this summer theaters Please risk your life And check out Werewolves

Within dropping June 25th I do think we'll be okay But Maybe that'll be the glitter Maybe your movie can be glitter man Well that's right People will be coming out of it Going like I guess I'll see that

I feel shielded from terrorism Yeah I feel Movies open Movie theaters open on Monday in LA If you can believe it Yeah I don't know It's just a lot of maskless

Like a lot of just We have to hang out Apparently we're one in four out here Which is fantastic Shielded but you know it's like Let's not jump the gun But it does feel like this year was a little bit like All your dreams are gonna come true

But they're gonna have a little bit of poopoo on it That's how I The monkey paw You got the golden ticket Absolutely You have the golden ticket But there's just a little There's someone else

There's something on it It smells like shit We wiped it off Yeah you have duty on the ticket Absolutely there's duty You have a little bit of duty on your dreams Although I saw Scare Me streaming

And that's how I watch every movie So it felt like a theatrical release Because you know like All these major movies have come out On whatever Amazon Netflix So Scare Me just felt like One of those real movies that came out

And did you like it more or less Than Clockwork Orange Your favorite movie Wow That's a great question I think I would put it right above Clockwork Orange I'd have to

Cause you're in it Oh dude You're in it Oh come now That means a lot As the director of Scare Me Did you also torture your actors During the making of this movie

To get an authentic performance Like Kubrick did And Clockwork Orange I did Did you make people sleep deprived And cold, angry and scared I screamed at Iacash In a scene where she didn't even need

To open a heavy door But everybody got like Everybody got like Such a bad flu Like tuberculosis flu And somehow I made it through Without getting sick at all There's literally a scene where

Aya crawls on the floor When she was at her sickest And then like gets in my face And growls in my face And I thought well this will be it And it'll be fine Cause it's you know It's worth it

It's my film Right But I was fine I was fine Took everyone to a pasta dinner After we were out And when did you get it When did you know that

And then a year later This was 2019 Or 2018 Yeah exactly 2019 Yeah Cause we went to the last super spreader Or the first super spreader event

Sundance 2020 In Utah Which like shortly after we left People were like That may have been where there was a lot of We shouldn't have that Yeah

Right that was February Amir and I were supposed to We were supposed to go to South By Which was like rightfully canceled But like leading up to it They just kept on like Kind of like making the event A little bit smaller

It's like it's gonna be fine We're gonna do it Some people canceled But we're gonna have We'll still do our house And then like the day Cause it was March right Yeah

They called it I think actually Amir and I You and I pulled out before they canceled And then they ended up Canceling the week after Yeah I think we are What did it they're like Jake and Amir is not coming

Like this is just gonna be The domino effect Yeah We still have like Obama But like what's the point At this rate People are dropping like wise Yeah

So what's the latest Literally all but digital All but digital What's the latest with Scare Me I see like DVDs Or Blu-rays are being shipped DVDs shipped

Blu-ray shipped Got big props to RLJ For sending me a bunch of free DVD And Blu-rays I'm gonna give away to some fans They're all damp Like they're all They have a little tear in their jackets

So I thought that was That was really good That whoever was like You know what I'm gonna send these to the director I just wanna make sure That these are a little damaged Yeah

A little poopoo on the dreams A little poopoo on the dream Really at all levels So the DVDs out The Blu-rays out Which is wild to have my face On a product of any kind That you know I didn't ask

A props person to make And the Oh and There's a making of Podcast called Make Cool Shit About the making of About like the play by play Of the drama

The highs, the lows Cars getting stuck in ditches Poor Becky Drysdale Having to squeeze through a car window To get behind the wheel of the car For all the car shots Wow And yeah

Are you the host of that podcast? No, Aaron Kaifetz Who used to do a bunch of college humor videos Back in the day Really lovely New York New York New York boy Love the New York boy

So you know And now he just He just put it out into the world And you just honestly collect I mean I've made at least Negative I don't know Negative

Do you guys know So I actually I cashed I didn't cash out all of my 401k From IAC But At least $26,000 From my 401k

Wow Does that work? Tax heavily, right? You got to pay a penalty I haven't gotten I haven't gotten the penalty yet That's technically I guess it's a loss

I don't know how the IRS will like I don't know what the rep or man will be But I've talked about it at every level Like it's You know like The headline For some vulture article At some point

It was like Josh Rubin, you know Cashed out is But I did I took out a significant portion And I don't know When the penalty will come Wow

She was going to drop At least 2020 happened Yeah I mean that's a gamble That worked though Right Like that's You

It seems like You know Betting on yourself And making this movie Is like led to a lot of other Great stuff Yeah You can

It's kind of crazy The hardest thing is When I wrapped When I wrapped Scare me $26,000 less wealthy With almost no money in my bank account Otherwise because I spent a year

Prepping this movie I booked a DiGiorno commercial Directing a DiGiorno like Campaign with Jay Farrow And I didn't have to like Pitch on it Because I'd done one Like a year before

And they were like You can just fly here And just come right to set I got there like Broken exhausted And after having led this whole movie And having to answer Every single question

And like guide everyone Who's just like You know Probably quite unhappy Making $125 a day I got there And they were like 15 people excited

To answer for me Because that's what commercials are Like 19 cooks in the kitchen And it was such a relief Where usually I just Feel like Fuck this It was just great

I was like I think we should put the couch And everyone's just like Over there by the window Next to the pizza oven With the cheesy cross pull And I was like Yes, answer for me

Is that a right, Josh? Yep, looks good So grateful for Yeah, the cushion Well, what is the What's the log line for scare me In case people haven't seen it You want to sell them a little bit

Besides being the ultimate Josh Rubin vehicle Where you and Haya Cash Just stay in one location For nearly 90% of the movie That's correct It's just Josh doing Going slowly and saying

And doing all the cool stuff That you're used to seeing Josh do I think the biggest criticism Was I can't believe I just watched Josh Rubin's SNL Reel What a shitty excuse

But hey, no one's going to Just repeat it I watched one of your SNL Reels It was incredible So, yeah A high production SNL Reel is good I feel like if anyone Were to watch it now

Like every joke would get me Cancelled Like even Isabella Rossolini Doing jock jams There's probably something Someone will find Like Alex Jones Like there's just something in it

But it's scare me is Let's see Two strangers tell each other Scary stories to write out A power outage But the scariest tale of all Is Fred is the

Lesser storyteller That was like a really bad log line But basically About a guy who's like super competitive With this woman's storyteller He realizes she's way better than him And that becomes more dangerous than Any creature at any of the tales

Over this campfire But the cool thing is There's no props We like literally tell stories in space Like I guess like a little Like a little improv story Yeah, and it's very You do a good job of setting a tense mood

Throughout the entire movies That like while things are silly Like in a hardly working environment But like everything is a little Moody, scary, tense Anxious the entire time The horror movie of it all It was interesting to like

I didn't make a preachy me too movie But it's definitely about like men Like emasculated men In the face of a woman's greatness Like this woman is like so much more talented So it's like it reminded me a lot of men I've met in my life Who just like feel entitled to

When like women like make a little more money Like with that we don't ever say this sort of stuff But she's clearly more successful Than this guy And so when I pitched this When I was sort of pitching this story to like You know, fellow white mid-30s men They were kind of like

Yeah, that's wow They wouldn't necessarily compliment it Or sort of like They're just like I do understand that Yeah Like a Philipsine were all The twist is that he's actually

A better storyteller in the end Right? Isn't that interesting? Yes But he has a better car Does he have a better car? Hell, I will not see it I won't see it

I won't see it So is it still streaming? Or can you only watch it with these? Yeah, it's on It's on Shutter It's on iTunes, Amazon I don't know Just go to the old Just Watch app

And find even I don't know You know Hell yeah Alright, I guess I guess I should introduce this podcast Now that we're about 20 minutes in Just to let people know If you're listening

Just for Josh This is If I Were You An advice podcast Actually the only one on the internet Hosted by me and Jake And often times we're alone In our Zoom room Today we're fortunate enough to have

Josh Rubin, writer, director, Actor of Scare Me What's the new one That I haven't seen yet? Well, the new one New one no one's seen yet June 25th Unless it's been pirated

Werewolves within It's a comedy ensemble Who Done It With Sam Richardson And Milana Vayntrub Our buddy Milana Yeah, they're fantastic And it's

Yeah, it's cool It's about a divided small town That gets actually Similar to Scare Me Snowed in And they basically Have it out with each other As toxic resentments in the small town

Sort of like boil over But also there might be something Like lurking in the darkness Picking them off So it's got kind of like A ready or not Knives out kind of a vibe It was fun as hell

We shot it when there was A lot of snow in Fleischmann's New York And also like We wrapped like Three days before lockdown So towards the end Everyone was like, Have you heard about this?

Do we shake hands? Why do you only shoot movies In really cold, dark, Wintery months In freezing places? Horror movies specifically I think because I'm

Averse to wearing a fitted shirt So if I can wear a big Patagonia And eat a lot of brownies I think that's it I think I'm ashamed of my body And so I wanted If I could shoot where it's cold I could wear a big chunky sweater

And have a pilsner with a brownie And just like, you know Not have to go swimming Is that why you guys Shot hardly working brownies? You two? Is that? Oh yeah

The end for this was Wow Funny story about hardly working brownies My ex-girlfriend who I was trying Desperately to Win her affection back Because you know, I was 25 And didn't want to sort of

You know, explore my life Right She had brought those brownies I think like maybe 16 minutes Before we shot I feel like we just kind of decided To shoot it like after Yeah, we were just like doing that

It felt like we were like doing that bit And then it was like go Everyone go get the cameras We'll like We'll do it for real, right? Right Because that wasn't scripted It was just like

It was one joke Done in a very interesting way I think it's one of my favorite Hardly working still Just like you guys laughing And getting mad With brownie batter in your teeth How is it?

Can't you ever look back At that like golden era There's got to be There will be a documentary, I'm sure I hope You know, it'll look like I'll be gone in the dark But it'll be about

The college shimmer days Where you could like Make a salary But also leave for Three hour lunch and buy jeans I'm still waiting for the oral I want the oral history So badly

So badly, yeah I want someone to write That oral history It will happen Absolutely it will It totally will Do you think about that? Like

Yeah, we were poor and happy A lot happier And a lot poorer That we are now And it doesn't make any sense Yeah What did we know? Why are we so carefree?

I used to sleep Like I used to I mean now You like go to work And you want to go home You know It's like better to be at home I used to sleep at the office

I used to like be there until Like 11 I used to go there on the weekend Sometime Yeah Yeah It was like a social club Right

Showing that place off Like oh my gosh If you want to use the bathroom Please Like I'll let me scan a card I knew a doorman I do remember Like having friends visit

That office was like so impressive Yeah And you were in every Were you guys in every office? Or were you in like the white street one? Yeah We were in Tribeca Yeah

We were in the Tribeca one The Tribeca one was nice But it got so crowded by the end That it was just like And there were two bathrooms And they always stunk of shit It was It was brutal

And Yeah And then 225 Park Avenue The Park Avenue office Was just like the absolute best one I rode my bike by there The other day

And it like gave me Oh god Yeah That's where Jordan Hall Got in a wrestling match Oh my god The shit that we did We did

We did that too First Jack Serbe shout out Do you remember the Like what that was Like we had Just almost like an after work Wrestling club Where the entire office

Yeah Stood in a circle And we would just Point to two different people And they would wrestle Like that could never happen Now we would just like You

Like you Jordan and like I think I wrestled I wrestled Vinny Rosie wrestled Like Kevin maybe But like Jordan Hall

Was the strongest guy It made no sense Like I remember helping It was terrifying I remember being like Deadwood scary Yeah I was like cleaning up

A set after After a shoot one time I was like trying to help Jordan And I was like Moving like these This box Like Both hands dragging across the floor

Needing somebody else to come Pick up the other end And Jordan just like Picks it up by the handle One hand toss it into a truck It's He's a maniac Yeah cause he was like

A cattle farmer or whatever Which is why it was It was terrifying to watch Jack, Dahmer, Zerbe Who was an MMA fighter Jack was like a A fucking like a dad And like a trained

Mixed martial arts fighter And Jordan was just like Okay so that's why The strongest Jordan just couldn't lose Man in town Yeah Jordan has no Like no wrestling knowledge

He was a lumberjack He was a little lumberjack But he just doesn't lose And Jack is like A trained fighter And he was fucking insane But it was I didn't know that

I just saw a man And khakis in a button down And I was like Oh this will take too much And I think there's 7D footage of it somewhere Everybody had that camera There are like

There's beautiful photos Of these Of this somewhere Absolutely On a Flickr account That nobody can access That's Zerbe's Flickr account Alright we need to

Take a break And answer some fucking questions Otherwise Jack Zerbe's legal department Is going to send us A very hateful Ceasent desist And the line is open guys

The line is open Please start calling Nobody's calling yet But we'll be back After these messages I think we got a good one For you Alright

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For $30 Off plus free shipping Right on Thank you aura And now back to the headgun podcast you were listening to. And we're back, uh, as I said, Josh, this one has some horror movie vibes. It's written by a lady, so why don't you give this lady a fake name we can refer to her as?

Oh, Mildred Dinks. Wow, that was fast, okay. Mildred Dinks, right. I've lived with one of my roommates for four months now, and I'm still slowly getting to know him. He's kind of quiet, but we'll have small talk here and there, and occasionally he'll ask how my day was. We had a movie night a couple times with one of our other roommates, and we're both, wow, and we're both working as well and are not home very much at the same time.

He seemed totally normal until recently. He mentioned how he was thinking about purchasing a satanic Bible he saw at a bookstore downtown. Then he mentioned, then he mentioned how he's never used a Ouija board before, and is curious about the experience. He's never given any indication that he's into that kind of stuff or curious about it, and it obviously has me taken aback. I'm not religious, and I've personally never had any paranormal experience, and I don't really believe in ghosts either,

but the fact that this guy is thinking so much about dark matters is really concerning to me. Should I find a new roommate or leave the situation be considering I don't believe in ghosts? Do I tell him you shouldn't purchase a freaking satanic Bible? What if he's a sociopath? Please help me out. Love your show. Do more live shows soon. Come back to Seattle. Thank you so much.

Mildred. Thanks, Mildred dinks. So Mildred doesn't believe in ghosts, but at the same time is really creeped out by the satanic Bible and what it's capable of. And should she tell her roommate that he can't actually do that dark arts shit in her apartment? How long is she known, Jack Serbie? It's like it's four months. I live in one of my roommates for about four months.

So do you do you believe in that stuff? Weegee and ghosts and I don't I don't know if I believe in we in Weegee words, but I wouldn't fuck with one. I've see I've just heard a little too much. I don't want to open a crevice. Oh, what's happening? This is opening. It's opening in Josh.

Yes, my advice for you. Rock it open. Learn. Learn from him. Sorry, that was just my cry. Holy shit. Sorry, that was my cry. It was just cry, but no, Mildred, get out.

Yeah, you think that's too scary of a situation. The dark arts, the satanic Bible. There's a difference between Weegee and the satanic Bible. If the roommate is like curious about like paranormal activity and ghosts, that seems fine. Like maybe more quirky than creepy. If he's if he's fucking like doing dark arts satanic rituals, that's fucking not no bueno. You got to you got to get that one. Yeah.

And like this. Ah, yeah. The the risk isn't that the ritual works and Satan is unleashed, right? It's just that this guy is a little too. He thinks he's possessed. Yeah, you don't want that. What wouldn't refusing the Bible almost escalated to the point where it feels too real? Or it's like, you can't let that cursed book in here, not near my bed.

Then it's like, ooh, what powerful powerful. Yeah, you get yourself across across necklace and like a garlic garland. Get some garlic. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We got some holy water.

Just overdo it. Just overdo it. Get a Jehovah's Witnesses book, some Christian science pamphlet, some garlic. A big just a pilgrim hat. I don't know why. Right. And maybe he'll maybe he'll just at least cool it a little bit. Totally.

Yeah. That's terrifying. It could also be Henry Zabrowski. I don't know. Yeah. I mean, you could have your own exorcism. That could that at least makes you the creepy one. That's right.

That's a that's a tag. Out creep him. Right. Out creep him. Just drink some Croy. Josh, did you watch these movies? Like, why are you? How do you have such an encyclopedic knowledge of these scary movies?

You've been pigeonholed into directing these horror films. Are you like a horror aficionado? Or did you just luck into this world? I was a horror fan before I was a comedy fan. My sister and my brother. They while this is more Rachel, my sister, that was like, she was like, you know, yeah, hey, check out this movie with Freddy Kruger. He's like a cartoon character.

You know, you can tear his face off and be able to skull underneath. I think I just for some reason just took to took to horror movies a lot earlier, especially the schlocky like VHS colorful cover stuff. Because they kind of looked cartoonish in their own way, like, oh, monkey shines. That's cool. It's a picture of a monkey. It's like, no, it's there's there's a, you know, monkey in the attic killing people. But I took I took to it.

I don't know. Maybe it was because, you know, on sweatpants days, I wore my sweatpants. But on jeans days, I wore my sweat my sweatpants. Yeah. So you were an indoor kid like on gym days. Yeah. On gym days, you know, like I wore sweatpants, so I didn't have to change. And so harm movies made me feel whole.

Got it. Yeah. You weren't watching the Super Bowl. You were watching Child's Play at home at age eight. Yeah. Yeah. Did you watch any sports growing up? Did you dabble in that world at all?

I took karate for a day. I'm sure at one point there was like a girl that like football and I pretended to like it. That was a hard time. I remember one time, though, when I bought like athletics or my mom bought me athletic sneakers when I was like nine. She bought me like basketball shoes, which I just thought were like cool looking, along probably with like a Cardinals hat, because I thought it was cool colors or like like a Charlotte Hornets hat.

Because like, oh, cool B. And the cashier was like, oh, do you play basketball? Like looking at, you know, a chubby Danny Torrance pretty much. And she was like, he's an actor, not an athlete. And I remember being so offended that my mom said that about me as if like, no mom, tell him I'm a basketball star. I go home and play with, play Batman toys until I fell asleep in my own drool. It does feel like there were two types of kids growing up.

Like I didn't know anybody who was like a movie freak like you and also a sports fanatic. It seems like those were two different types of brains. Like even. Well, I feel like that's you guys, though. I feel like you guys appreciate like, you know, or maybe it was like comedy albums or maybe I'm conflating sports or something. I guess I, yeah, I think I was a comedy fan when I was like, I don't, I mean, I don't remember anything.

I thought about it when I was nine, but I think when I was like 12, like fifth and sixth grade, me and my friends liked like Adam Sandler and Chris Farley movies. I'm pretty sure. Yeah, but you weren't like. You were also like playing like, you know, basketball probably. I guess I got swept up in like sort of playing sports. I was never, I was never good at sports. I would, but my friends were good at sports.

I guess I'm thinking more like I was a transitional like crossover crossover kid, like nerd and cool kids, but I had no actual, I basically had no skills or likes of either, either group. I wasn't as smart as the nerds, but I was more of a nerd and I, but I wasn't as athletic as the cool kids. So I was in the middle of nowhere. Like when, when you listen to that Adam Sandler, they're all going to laugh at you. Did you know that came from a horror movie, the Carrie movie?

Or did you just think that was Adam Sandler being wacky? Oh, I thought that was just that. I thought Adam Sandler made that up for sure. Yeah, and that would be the only thing that I liked about it. Yeah, you were watching, I remember watching those horror movies and like, I was like seven or eight and I was like, yeah, that seemed like too young. And then I see like my seven or eight year old niece and like, Jesus Christ. Like somebody this age was watching fucking Friday the 13th.

Like no way. That's so fucking alarming. She saw Kevin Bacon get stabbed through the throat or like a bear giving fallatio to a businessman or tell him in the shining. It's like, I don't think so. That was too early for me to have seen that. I saw Candyman when I was like, it had to be like less than 10. And that's, that is what ruined horror movies for me because I was so scared.

Yeah, yeah, trauma. Yeah, I fucking petrified. I'm still afraid of it. Me too. That one is, that's Tony Todd. That's a terrifying one. Looking in the mirror, I will not say Candyman. I'll say Beetlejuice anywhere.

I want to hang out with a fucked up look at Michael Keaton, you know, nice zag nut bar. Like I'll do that, but Candyman. Yeah, that's not a fucking bad. What's the scared, most scared you've been after watching a movie? I have a very specific movie and memory of this. So I can answer first my own question. I had no joke. I think I, well, Candyman was one.

The scene in the bathroom was pretty terrifying. And actually, oh man, I was, I was going to say Cat's Eye with the troll in the wall. Little young Drew Barrymore getting, you know, her life sucked out through her nose by a troll. But I think it was, this is, I don't know, kind of basic, but paranormal activity too. Interesting. I almost start, I almost cried. I was so scared. There's a scene when like the, some character gets like dragged from upstairs all the way downstairs.

It's like into the, into the attic. And like, once they go in the attic, like the door, the attic door closes. And I remember being in the theater, like as a 30 year old man just going like, you know what I mean? Like I just, I thought, I was like, no, I can't, I can't do that. Mine was, I mean, mine was Blair Witch, like 15 years old, seeing it like a burned DVD or not even DVD, like CD copy on my computer with my friends or like, we can't sleep alone tonight. Like the Blair Witch will probably get us. Was this real?

Was this a movie? Like who found this fucking disc? Yeah. They like, they leaked it out to like teenagers around America to like. Yeah. I got motion scared after Blair Witch, which I think was a blessing. Like I was, I like got nauseous and threw up because of all the camera movements. And I think like, I, so that, that kept me from being scared.

But I do, I remember watching The Ring on like, it was in high school. It was in high school and the girl that I liked came over and she liked scary movies. And I lied and was like, yeah, I like scary movies. And we watched The Ring and I'm fucking 17 years old. I was so fucking frightened afterwards. I went upstairs and I slept in my brother's room on the floor, which was too scary for me. Cause I'm like, there's only one other person in here.

And then my two of my sisters shared a room and I went and I slept in their floor with the lights on. I'm a senior in high school. And they're all younger. So are you the oldest sibling? I was the second oldest, but yeah, they were, they were 12 at the time. They were 12, I'm 18 or 17. And they should have all made their hair soaking wet. I don't know why, yeah, why would I want to surround myself with like 12 year old girls

after The Ring, it's counterintuitive. That was the only time my friend Nick, who was like the manliest friend I knew, which is funny because he's a, you know, a very gawky kind of Bill Murray lookalike and 17 years old. We saw The Ring in the theater was the only time ever, like Nick ever like yelped and like literally dug his fingernails into my forearm as if I were on a date, you know. Is it that first, that like jump scare? Yes.

Is it in the closet? In the first five fucking minutes with the jaw? Yeah, I can forget it. Forget it. I hated it. I hate it. I still, that just gave me the chills now when it's fucking daytime. You should watch The Ring tonight at midnight.

Yeah, dude, never sleep again. Yeah, I fucking scared. All right, let's take one more break. We have one more question we want to answer on the other side of these messages. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that

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This is about a contentious bathtub issue from another dude, a dude in SF. So give us an SF dude's name, Josh. Okay, Blinken Andy. Love the name Blinken. Blinken Andy writes, I'm a 24 year old from SF and I just moved into a house with two of my best friends a few months ago. The house is sick but not quite equitable. I'll keep it quick, but the context is important.

The house is three stories, two bedrooms on the second character. Josh just did before the break. I'll keep this quick, bro. Two bedrooms on the second floor that share a bathroom and a master on the third floor with an ensuite and walking closet. Oh, ensuite and a walk. Fucking forget about it. The ensuite bathroom is absolutely prime and has a nice ass bathtub.

When we got the house, we bid on the master bedroom and I had the highest bid. So now I pay 25% more in rent for my room than what others pay. Totally fair. Here's the sticky part. One of my roommates is in a long distance relationship and his girlfriend is coming over next weekend to visit. He mentioned to her that I was going to be out of town and she asked him, oh, can we use his bathtub?

He brought this up to me a couple days ago and said he would clean the bathtub before and after as a thank you. Sorry, the bathroom before and after. I sort of said it was fine because I was caught pretty off guard, but now I'm thinking, do I really want to let him have a romantic bath with his girlfriend in my bathroom? That feels gross even though he's going to clean it. Plus, I'm already paying way more for the nice bathroom, even though I don't really use the tub. Am I being a little bitch about this?

Or is this a pretty absurd request? Is it too late to back out? I'm kind of a bit of a coward, so I was thinking about sabotaging the bath by finding a way to cut off the water or leaving a bunch of dirty clothes in there to deter them the next day on the day. Any creative suggestions would be much appreciated. Thank you. Blinken Therapy's my creative suggestion.

Cool the fuck down, Blinken, brawl. What if you let somebody use your fucking bathtub? I mean, this is prime bathtub. They're going to clean it before and after. They're going to clean it. Yeah, right, twice. His cum is going to stain the bathroom for eternity, the amount of fucking. No one fucks in tubs, bro.

That's just something that like you've seen in like skull face or scar face, bro. Yeah, but then they're using the bathtub. They're like, all right, what's the big deal? Let's make the jump to his fucking bed. I mean, we're already on the third floor and now we're spending the whole weekend. They're shitting on your sheets. They're wiping their teeth on your curtains. It's just not.

That's true. It's the cascading. If it's tacky, it's tacky. It's tacky. Don't do it. It's tacky. I understand. You know what?

Let's sabotage it. Cut the water off. Great. Exert it. Exert the effort. I do like the idea of cutting the water off just because it might result in him not being able to ever turn it back on, which would be the good result for. But you know what?

You're totally right. I think call the San Francisco Department of Water and Power. I think that's a great. I think that's a perfectly rational decision. Shut off your tub. Don't ask him not to take a sludge hammer to your tub. Jake, this was you in a way. We moved in to a big ass place in LA.

Me, you and Marty. I remember. We had one master with the en suite. The master with the en suite. One master. The his and hers, the dual sinks, the soaking tub. There was a Japanese soaking tub in there, a walk-in closet. It was perfect.

I had the mini master. Two fucking balconies. Yeah, two balconies. Two walk-out balconies. And you had that fucking Romeo and Juliet balcony. Yeah, I had one mini balcony. We called it the master, the mini master. And then Marty stayed in a sort of hamper type room

down in the basement area. It was adjacent to the laundry room. We got the Kiekel. Oh, that's right. So the Kiekel would sort of live below the house. Then there was the mini master and then there was the master. And I think you were probably paying two and a half times what Marty was paying.

It wasn't like a 25% premium. I literally think. But Marty's room was fucking awful. It was a dark hole. It was a dank, dark hole. And he shared his bathroom. Because we also had podcasters coming in and out of the house at that time because we launched head gum from that house.

That's right. So any guest, anybody that was just in there would use Marty's bathroom. Because that was the only downstairs bathroom. That's right. So you leave. I was at the party where that toilet flooded. Yeah, that was my toilet.

That was my toilet. Your toilet. Yeah. But it was leaking into the Kiekel. So every time Jake would take a shit, the poop would land into the Kiekel's bed. That was sort of the way the plumbing worked in the home. So the master directly into the Kiekel.

That's the way the Kiekel crumbles back then. You get that, buddy. You're only paying $1,100 to live here. That's a small price to pay. And yes, you live in a crawl space behind the pantry. And the only way to access it is through the cereal. That's sort of how it goes. It's par for the course.

So would you let the Kiekel use your soaking tub, master? I mean, I think that I definitely let Marty never ask, but I definitely let you use my bathroom from time to time. Why did I use your bathroom? I had a bathroom of my own. Yeah, you used to need to shave in my bathroom. And I don't entirely remember why. Oh, I think because you had the sink with the counter space,

and I had just like a sink that was kind of like a loose bowl in the middle. You had a pedestal sink. Yeah, that's a pedestal sink, buddy. Yeah, exactly. There was no counter space. How did you win the argument to get the 6,000 square foot bedroom when everyone else had Kiekels and shitholes? If anything, I lost because I just overbid.

I wanted the master so bad. That I was like, I will pay any price. I'll pay because all three of us were so competitive about who was going to have the best room. We had to make the master so expensive that he felt like he lost. Otherwise, there's no way to make the master worth it. It has to come with the price of guilt that I'm paying two and a half times what Kiekel is paying so that the financial and mental gymnastics

sort of balance themselves out. The real hard part was pricing the mini master. Is it more of a Kiekel or more of a master? And it was sort of right in between. Which was your room? Yeah, that was my room. I had not my own private bathroom, but like a bathroom right across the hall. No one used it but you, yeah.

And only one balcony instead of two. And it was probably half the size of the master. But the master was insane. The master had like fucking, it really was. It was worth what I paid for it, I think in retrospect. I think your balcony. It was a pretty epic. Yeah, you had a balcony that was like a separate room.

Like your balcony alone was bigger than the Kiekel. My balcony was almost the size of your room and there was like a couch on it. Yeah. So yeah, we ever left that house. We shouldn't have left. I was going to ask. Yeah, we were renting it as part of like headgums. So like it was split between us and the business.

And then the lady realized she was undercharging us and ended up selling the place for like millions of dollars. And we're like, yeah, you probably should have done that six months ago. But yeah, you would let two like three idiots live here for a year. You would let people use your soaking tub if you were out of town. Would you not? Yeah. And I'm pretty certain that that it happened.

I can't remember exactly. Oh, you know, I mean, definitely. Yes, definitely. I remember we like let people stay there and they use the tub. It's it's weird to this guy's out of town to they're not even asking to use your bed. I could imagine being like, I want to stay in your room for the weekend. I I might bristle at that. But they're just saying, let us use your bathroom.

Like that's that's fine. Yeah, it is weird because like there's not much of a difference. You're not there. They can use your bedroom and you have no idea. Like it's not a favor at all, it seems like. And yet it still feels a little weird. It's honestly nice that he asked because he's going to now. And you're going to get a tub clean out of the whole thing.

Because the like the alternative is he just lies to you and you leave down and they use it and, you know, never you never say anything. And don't Ajax the come. You have like that's the that's the Kiko Crisp. But you know, that's the Kiko. That's the way the Kiko Crumble. Crumble Ajax. Eat your Kiko Crisp.

Eat your Kiko Crisp. Hey, the t-shirt t-shirts ideas. The Kiko would actually clean Jake's toilet every day, right? Well, the Kiko will have to do that. The Kiko was my toilet. So you would use the you would almost clean the room that Kiko was cleaning the toilet. Yeah, that's cool. Good night, Marty.

Don't forget to make the flushing noise, Kiko. I want you to be a real toilet for me now. Don't just half-ass it. He paid $20 a month to live in that mansion, but the torture he had to endure from the master will never be paid off. He was the client face. He was the client facing operation. He had to have a suit.

Why do you smell? Yeah. And at that time, Jill had Jill had a studio apartment like down the street. So I would spend some nights at her house and I would just be like, what am I doing? What am I doing? I should be it. I should be in the fucking master. Yeah, or you should have switched with the Kiko, but you didn't want to give him that.

No, I didn't. He didn't deserve that satisfaction. Yeah. If anything, you'd have to promote me from the mini master to the full. It doesn't go from Kiko to master. That's too much of a step up. Or let him sleep on the balcony with the couch. I mean, I feel like that's a get-a-tent, you know?

I would sometimes catch the Kiko sunning himself, sunning Kiko's self on my balcony and I would spray him with the hose and the Kiko would scamper away down the wall. Oh, so sorry. Oh, sorry. Just climb down the side of the house. What are you doing in my room, Kiko? I'll climb down the side of house naked.

You frightened me, Kiko. Oh, sorry. You flush on me one less time. No, no, no, no, no, no. What is this angry attitude, Kiko? I am the client facing operation. I caught the Kiko reading a book yesterday, master. I don't know where he's learning such courageous thoughts.

Quiet, mini master. I was only reading the back of the Kiko crisp. I read the back of the Kiko crisp. Who gave you cereal, Kiko? I thought you were to only eat fish. I had to crawl through the cereal to get to my room. I had to crawl through the cereal. I have to go through the cereal.

I smell a third horror movie for you, man. It's called Mini Master. Oh, yeah, Paris. Do you have plans for a third? Do you know what's next? Well, yeah, I'm chasing after these things. You can't announce it. Is it a secret?

Holy shit, where it's going to be on deadline. No, it's not a secret. I know it. No one's paying me. Yeah, bro, I have no dreams left. I think the third thing I'm going to do is go back to working best by inventory. All my dreams have come true.

All my dreams have come true. I won the EGOT. I'm ready to go back. Congrats, by the way. It's kind of like being a cobbler like Daniel Day glue us. You know what I mean? He's like kind of just gluing shoes. Very nice.

All right, Josh, one last time. How do people watch these movies? What are your social medias? Let people learn. You could find me at Just My Name, Josh Rubin, R-U-B-E-N. And you could see Scare Me on Shutter. It's on Blu-Ray. It's on DVD.

It's you can rent it or buy it on iTunes, Amazon, anywhere you get your movies. Great, great horror movie. Great low pro horror movie. You guys did so much with such a limited space. And I'm assuming about it. With just Josh's 401K. My god.

Wow. Can you believe it? Oh, here comes that IRS car. You can't retire as it were, but you do have six DVDs with broken jackets to give away. Correct. I hope the fans appreciate it when I'm shivering in my 1940 Volvo. Actually, that's kind of nice.

Because you'll be able to wear a lot of jackets. Sweet. And thank you to you guys for sending in your questions and your theme song. The email address for anything, everything, is ifiriushowatgmail.com. Would you believe we have another, all my favorite songs are slow and sad parody for the closing.

Slow and sad, yeah. We do. Yeah. Cool. This one is by Liam Masters. So he doesn't have anything to plug. So shout out to Canada, I guess. Thank you to Liam.

Okay. And thank you to Josh. And thank you to you guys for listening. We'll be back, of course, next week. Bye, everybody. Bye. Bye. Thank you.

I mean, if you think about it, most chimpanzees don't win any awards. So by comparison, a turtle is not that bad. That was a hit gum original.