If I Were You - 48: Best Of 2013

Episode Date: December 23, 2013

In this episode we replay our favorite answers and theme songs from our first 47 episodes.Thanks to everybody who has ever tuned in to our show. Much love and happy holidays everybody!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Hey y'all, kind of a different episode this week because Jake is back east and turns out I can't record one of these by myself I actually tried and it went close to three hours and not one single joke It was actually it's pretty messed up really Yeah, a lot of it was just like me speaking very sternly giving very serious advice into a microphone And then we said you know what? Why don't we just do a best of episode that way? It's sort of like a special thing for the holidays and if people aren't around their computers or their internet as much you're not missing New content so we asked people what they thought was our favorite answers. We compiled about seven of them I'm gonna separate them with our our favorite intro theme songs

That way we can give those a little bit more of a play as well And this episode is not even brought to you by anyone because you know what the holidays are so commercial as is You know, it's like why do we have to cram things down people's throats? You know so We are just gonna say thank you. Thank you to you guys for listening The the viewership goes up the listenership goes up and it's because you guys not only keep listening But you're also passing the podcast around and so we really really really really really appreciate that also thanks to SoundCloud for hosting us since the beginning and

iTunes for helping distribute it and everything else like that. Oh in rec room. How can we forget our first official studio the boys at rec room? That's RECK room TV our boys Brian and Mike who made our podcast sound like not garbage for a couple episodes We're gonna miss you guys in LA. Hopefully they open up an LA office very soon Yeah, I don't know what else to say Obviously, I just speak for myself on all this stuff because Jake's not here. Jake actually sent me a message to say to you guys the fans. He said I'm Came up. That's all me stay true. That's all me. No help. That's all me all me for real

So I don't know I guess some people aren't as like Outspoken in their generosity and humbleness as other people and oh, you know it That is a that is just a Drake lyric, but something that Jake would probably say anyway So yeah without further ado, let's let's get into it and happy holidays everyone No Thursday episode this week either, but this one's a little bit longer So hopefully it'll suffice and we'll be back next Monday with an all-new episode Yeah, thanks guys. Oh and don't worry. I was able to arrange the answers in a certain way where I'm It's sort of crescendo like it starts fake, but things um

God, how do I even say it? They get real if that make you I mean, you'll you'll hear you'll understand. Yes. Thanks again. Bye everybody And the road has left you in a gym write down your problems and explain what just went wrong Email it to it by where you show a chain mail dot com And why were you if I were you if I were you if I were you the show That is question the third question the third this one's pretty good. This one's from Tobias Tobias Hey guys, I'm really excited to get my first car and my dad can't wait to help me and advise me on one

He's always talks about he always talks about going to a car auction to get my first car and is clearly excited about it However, I don't feel as if he has a great knowledge on cars And I don't want to risk getting a terrible car that he keeps breaking But I also don't want to hurt his feelings Do I go with him and spend money on a potentially bad car or go with someone else such as my best friend's dad Who is a professional mechanic behind his back? That is that dad's worst nightmare. Yeah, holy shit. We're gonna forward this to your dad Just talk about nothing would bring a dad's heart more a dad

Who's a dad who's been looking forward to going to a car action car auction with his first born son to buy him a car And you come home with dangling keys Hey dad, guess what? I got I went with the Mikey's dad instead, you know, he's sort of like You went by yourself or you went with another dad a better dad dad 2.0 Actually, I really like other dad. Is there a chance? I think I'm just gonna call him dad and dad I'm gonna call you Roger It's extra insulting because his name is Dennis

You know, I just really I don't know. I really get along with other dad more than you Yeah, actually mom's gonna start dating other dad. He's a cool mechanic. He knows what it's he knows what he's doing I'm gonna start calling you Uncle Roger Because that's how close you are to me that is yes shit your your dad is like also like It's it's just insulting for a guy to like be like told they don't know anything about cars, too It's like let alone the dad the dad thing. It's just like hey, man. No, you suck at cars My best friend's dad is a professional mechanic. That's so sad for the current dad I mean, I don't know anything about cars. My son's best friend's dad might

Definitely know more about cars than me I don't think I would be insulted that he went with another dad to get a car though Yeah, but that's you well because like you don't care about cars anyway This guy is like clear this guy's like the fact that he even knows that car actions car auctions exist It's like let's go to a car auction. I've never heard of a kid that's like Parents are gonna buy him a car and then he's like, but I don't want my dad to buy me a car I want this other dad to like choose the car you in great You're getting a car

What is a car auction? I think you'll there I well the the ones that I've heard of are like cars that are like You know taken away from people are like used in crimes or something like Impounded cars and stuff like that because that people can't keep their payments up on The police take them and then sell them at an auction for like a significantly lower price Oh, I guess I'd do that. Why doesn't everybody do that? I think because What there's a chance there was a murder in that car right when people just don't know about it I think I also there's a there's a chance that I have no idea what car options are and that is a police seizure

So yeah, just like every piece of advice we give take any information I give with a grain of salt Because there's a more than 50% chance it was complete bullshit Hey, I learned this on a podcast the host did give a disclaimer that he was a moron and never knew what he was talking about You just walk into a police station one car, please. I'm here with my best friend's dad. You're so I'm getting arrested already Oh, God, they confessed to the murder and the Buick They take your car So to this kid and his best friend's dad that is so rude. I want to go with another dad That's like a dad being like hey son. I wanted to teach you to throw a baseball like no your arm

You throw like a sissy. I'm gonna learn from Ryan's dad Ryan's dad is Nolan Ryan He named his kid Ryan Ryan Ryan What makes you think that that other dad even wants to go with you? He has his own son His own son is an amazing car. I We still haven't given him advice yet. We're just chastising you for taking your dad for granted You know, I'm really surprised that people keep emailing the show because what we do

You know half the time is just make fun of them, right? We just reduce you a rubble then sometimes forget to even give advice But we really do appreciate it and that email again is if I were you show at gmail.com Yes, so if you want to get insulted Yeah, yeah Email us right a really dumb question or question you think is valid and well, you know We'll find the flaws in it. You don't have to worry about that You can also go to if I were you show.com to listen to all the podcasts and see you know the email address and all that information over there

Cool. So did we give this kid advice go with your dad? Yeah, I well, I guess if you're like very concerned, maybe you could suggest Going with yeah, like with your friend and his dad also Maybe your friend's dad can impart some knowledge on your dad But I wouldn't like cut your dad out of the process altogether, especially because I highly doubt you're paying for the car yourself You want like let your dad be involved. This is a big moment It's a big moment in his life just as it is like a big moment in your life I imagine like the kid like hey dad

You can come along with us and then like the cool dad the son and the son's friend are driving in like a really nice 57 Buick whatever that fuck like a Porsche Boxer. There's only there's only enough room for three Hey, why don't you go get us some nachos? Which they have at the police auction for some reason you could come into your Kia Sorento And when you get there get us nachos that were seized in a money way for us out in the parking lot Then the other dad cool dad doesn't have enough money for any of the cars So loser dad has to buy it by the other son of car as well. Oh, man. Thanks Glenn. You're a real sport Well shucks. I didn't know I was gonna be buying two cars. Oh golly. Hey, I can always get another job or something

That sounds great, buddy. Pretty cool, right son two cars from your old man. Shut up dad You're embarrassing me in front of Uncle Tony Uncle Tony, you're the best as he takes a check from regular dad for Glenn All the car show models are hanging on Uncle Tony to Whoa, who's the guy that bought two cars? Yes, sir, absolutely, I'll I'll be in the car Man, was there a sandwich that was seized in the last week out of here. Yeah, absolutely I will I will out of here Glenn and really really you have to go away now

In fact Trish over here kind of wants a car herself. Oh golly. I don't know Sheila's sort of a let me oh Sheila's with me now. You don't have to worry about Sheila. Okay. Very good. Yes. Absolutely. Haha. Holy mackerel Get he's putting me in a nookie. He is putting me in a head. I'll get my head in the hot nacho cheese Stop it. Why was this seized? What sort of terrible crime took place that they had to seize the cheese? That's another mug that we're making seize the cheese seize the cheese and you do you You can also go to seize the cheese calm to see our love to check if that domain's available right now Seize the cheese What are the odds that it's available? I I think 25%

There's no way really no way it is a rhyme. I think there's no way it's available Well, the thing is we're recording this on Friday and uploading it on Monday So we have an entire weekend to get through it right to buy this domain Seize the calm is taken of course day obviously seize the cheese seize the cheese calm is available Holy shit, you guys if you're listening go to seize the cheese calm right now Forwarding it to our website. We have no idea what we're gonna do with seize the cheese calm But we do own it by the time you're listening to this we own it and we're gonna do something Something insane like forwarded to our other website. Yeah, like a URL forwarding or something. Yeah, dude shoot. We're gonna have Glen pay for it

It forwards to cool dad's porn site That's so cool that he has his own porn site. It's just him sitting in Those two kids Holy shit, it's kidney porn cool dad is never cool at all He was some sort of molester from the seas is Porsche Seize the Porsche.com is available Seize the cheese. Seize the Porsche Seize the Porsche.com is definitely still available for you guys seize the cheese

I can envision myself buying that in the next two days. All right Um, yeah, yeah, solid answer If I were you show dot-com This one is from Schuyler. Oh Once again, the email is if I were you show at gmail.com Email us in we'll answer your questions if possible. Where should people email if they want to talk to me? We could just give your phone number. It's two oh three five five three We said any number someone would text it

Let's try texting two zero three. No, I don't even do it. I don't I feel bad. All right The question is I have a friend in quotes who is a man eater to put it nicely She's the most shallow person I know and I don't even like bringing her around my guy friends because they always end up complaining about it Because she acts like such a bitch Asking for her words not exactly asking for things because they obviously don't owe her an Expensive night out and they obviously don't need to pay for anything and she treats her girlfriends the same way Seriously anytime she wants to hang out. I end up doing physical labor for her one time I ended up scanning her family photos for three days straight

How do I ditch this be without looking like the one who is the bee you're obviously not yeah You can ditch that be bitch the bee don't trust the bee in apartment 23 I want to know how this night went that she got invited to an ended up scanning photos for three days So funny day two like ah this sucks, but I mean I'm halfway done. Yeah. Yeah, like holy shit The morning of day three must have been difficult. All right Third day home stretch My back hurts my cropping is getting sloppy, but fuck if I have to finish come on Skyler, do you have my fucking photos yet?

It's my grandma's 80th or 90th birthday or some shit. I'm almost done Marissa. I am so sorry I know in Poland. I know I know doesn't even know how big America is communist. I know yeah I'm just so sorry. It's just like there's so many photos. It's taking me three days Are you freaking kidding these are two photos at a time skyler? I'm not gonna freakin sit here and crop them out Please scan one photo at a time and scan the back of it, too Yeah, don't make it like there's a little note written on it. I've been checking I don't want to freaking crop it and like have to rotate it a little bit

Please just make sure the lines are perpendicular for so our advice is to stop complaining and just and scan the photos I mean friend right only three days like cheese three days of your life. Oh my god. Your friend has had a really hard life Okay, she's fought a war He's grown up a communist Poland. I think the problem is not with this girl this B I think the problem is with Skyler Skyler needs to have a little more self-respect Yeah, you got to hang around people who suck all the dick And just ditch those people. Yeah, I mean definitely at least stand up to her Maybe she'll like respect that and change and be like all right cool Skyler passed the test. She called me on my bullshit

You think it's a big test Those are dummy photos that would be a great I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she might be an awful person That's a great idea like if you act like an asshole all the time and someone calls you out to be like I'm proud of you. You did it All right, cool now. I'll start being nice That's sort of make it one day worth of joy like pledging a frat We're like all the brothers are just like hazing you for two months and then like at the end

All right, we accept you like I don't like you. You made me fucking eat dog food. You ass I'm plotting to kill you. Yeah, but they're my best friends. Yeah, it's so weird like I'm just an aside for person like fucking stink figler Asian Chris pug knuckles pug knuckle Irish boys Irish Chris fat Asian Chris There's two Asian Chris is one normal Asia Chris and one fat Asian Chris So you're saying look stay yourself in the mirror Skyler and say the problem's not with the B The problem is with me. Wow apart 20 me

Yeah, that's what it sounds like it sounds like someone with kind of low self-esteem who like you got to stand up Yeah, I was just gonna like sit there and take it Is there anybody in your life that you would scan photos for three days straight for you? My wife an hour of silence You I do it for either of you guys So I'd be like I have a photo. I have a box of probably 15 sounds like you just did a bad job at scanning There's no way that that task takes three full fucking days. We're any photos we talk. Yeah, and how old is your scanner? Who has a scanner kinko's and like yeah, who has a scanner and I remember my brother got a scanner for his bar mitzvah in

1992 this is a fake question I'm starting to think some of these aren't real Skyler No, no, these are real. These are a bad scanner The entire our advice is to get a better scanner if you're gonna have to do this kind of task If you're such a pushover that you're scanning people's family photos because now all All of all that girls like friends are being like, oh, yes, Skyler actually scanned all the photos like she did such a nice job Do you think she'd scan my phone? She's a great scanner. Oh, yeah, she says yes to anything. Skyler the scanner. Yeah, I know her Scanner yeah, yeah

She starts her own business and makes a million dollars Skyler Scannery Skyler's Scannery We have fun This first email comes from a person we'll call Aladdin No spoilers as to what the theme is just know that that we're calling this person Aladdin is a real email fake name to preserve his Anonymity Fuck as the first time I didn't say anonymity correctly I got so excited to beat Allison to the punch

The ironic thing is you've probably listened to more episodes than Jake has That is not fair, but that is true. No, I listen every episode. That's not true. Yes, it is. You've listened every episode I'm a narcissist and that regard All right ready. Yeah My friends kept going on about how your shlong looks keeps bigger when shaven So I went for a wax the lady there convinced me to opt for a super expensive full-permanent laser to completely remove all the hair There forever. I had been going out a charting to this girl for the last couple of days. I Had been going out a charting. What is that? Is that a court?

There's a chance he's from Australia and a chance that he just made up a word I had been going out a charting to this girl For the last couple of days and I think she wants to take things further But one time when we were talking she said she hates a guy who's completely shaven downstairs as it's too feminine I don't know what to do as my hair is gone forever Should I wear a wig down there or should I just live through the embarrassment of my bald balls? Thanks Aladdin Well Prince Ali Hey, well, he had three wishes Ali a babwa they'd all be for pubes. Yeah, so I

Think he went too far with a friend's recommendation, right? I yeah, you don't you don't like oh, yeah I really like this restaurant cool. I'm gonna I'm gonna buy it Forever I have to eat every meal there now. What what faith he has removed Not to be technical, but that usually is a couple sessions I think this means that he went in got it lazically removed and means like alright I have to sign up. I'll come back in two weeks. Crazy. What a permanent decision Are you sure it makes your shlong looks bigger because I am sort of bald down there forever now?

I think it's it's permanently God Professional opinion, man. Would you say my shlong looks enormous or just massive? I'd say it looks smaller. What? How I got it permanently done very least could you point me in the direction of your best merkin? American is a pubic wig Merkin is Christ. We're learning something today. That is so there's a real you can get a Merkin a pubic wig. How does that work? Is it like the shape of a donut? Um, no, it's oh for a guy Maybe I've never seen a male merkin. I think generally With the top half the top top it's usually like for people who are like

My sash shaved merkin today oiled and twisted up on the side like a 1920s roller coaster tycoon merkin Yeah, what would the purpose be? Do you can't grow pubes? No the perp well in in the acting industry It's for like if you're on Boardwalk Empire for that period movie. There was no, you know Maintenance down there. So it's like a bushery. So yeah, it's for fake bushery. Wow. That's cool Also, I think although I might be mistaken. I think it's a workaround for full frontal nudity Oh, it's like somebody doesn't want to show their actual. Yeah invented by Alan merkin in 1981 the merkin now Actually, luckily we are recording that Alan Arkin

Alan M. Arkin, so they shortened it to mark it Luckily we're recording this in rec room because one it sounds great and two I can use my computer while we're talking Yep, so now that I can use my computer I can tell you exactly that a merkin is a pubic wig and Originally worn by prostitutes after shaving their genitalia and are now used as decorative items Erotic devices or in films by both men and women Interesting, that's right. Cool. So anyway, you fucked up royally This is the worst part it's done it's happened and now

And now you have to wear this To the Wikipedia page of a merkin, which is a guy with a pink merkin Captain a merkin used at Burning Man Jake you remember seeing Jake wore them. Is that Jake? Oh my god, that's me That's merkin. That's me and merkin My playa name was merkin burkin the Birkin man twerkin merkin the Birkin man It's just like it's it's sad that the advice has come to this like You need all right, so you have to get a merkin a pubic This girl dropped a hint that probably here's my guess because that's a randomest thing to say

I think she knew and she's trying to slope fade the relationship and she's like how do I get out of this? What is an unchangeable quality of it? I can say I don't like I can get out of this Oh, I feel bad cuz she's been a charting with her Yeah, he's been a charting with her, I think Definitely a typo. I'm trying to figure out what it is going out a charting to this girl According according we've been going out according to this girl for the last couple of days. I know according like I'm According her. I'm I've been going out. Oh, I'm thinking she's like I mean this bitch has been saying we've been going out for a couple of days I don't know they're going out according to this

I have no cubes, I have no worries So anyway, you trusted your friend too much. My pubic mound is scorched earth now Get a second opinion before permanently removing anything let alone your pubic. Well, he got one from the waxer who just upsell them Not no, he didn't get an opinion. She just said that he could oh Yeah, if you want your poops gone, um, there's this cost a thousand dollars does yeah, we'll take them off forever Yeah, I'll do that forever That seems so painful. Oh god, I would never does it make your schlong look bigger having it I think it makes your dick look weirder

But it just it's young and big. I think it just looks it makes it look different There's a question Manscaping is there like a universally approved Length of pubic hair that people prefer just manageable. Yeah, so just like not too crazy. Yeah, but not completely bear with a dubs here Not completely bear. I think that's weird. I think that would be weird I've never seen like this beard or shorter or longer probably just about that. So like I'm not I'm pointing to Jake's merkin right now Do you give me our both pants? Directly in front of me

These are the most immature Secure people I've ever met. They're so terrifyingly insecure They're French braided On the end holidays are coming a pee-pee top is what I call it Hold your head high. This is how it is now. It's gonna be fine I mean at the end of the day if a girl likes you enough like it's not gonna matter if you had too much or too little It's it's all gonna be okay. And if a girl this stage while you're just a Charting I couldn't I couldn't get it out without loving if you're still in that phase and she voices that big of a

Problem with it then screw her and just move on to the next one. It also she sounds like she just said oh, I prefer this That's not necessarily like a game. Maybe a test that theory. Yeah, she's like, oh, yeah I would prefer to have pubes too, but they were burned off in a fire I was like, oh, no, it doesn't matter to me Well, let me explain the fire was sort of a concentrated a laser fire Yeah Three or four sessions of it But look how much bigger my dick looks now than in the hypothetical alter dimension that you saw me with pubic hair

I can't believe yeah, you know, I had um, I'm not trying to brag but actually this summer was my summer of perfect pubes Oh, that's a big deal. I accidentally cut them too short back in May Mm-hmm, and they just grew in the appropriate amount by June and then then I wrote that wave straight up until September Right up to a burning man. So you're saying then what happened at burning me. They got too long Too long and dusty. Do anything about it. I trimmed them when I got back Oh, the summer of perfect pubes is just you growing your pubes out It's similar to the summer that you were 13 years old Man, did you ever shave your your armpits your pubes to so they'd grow in fat like thicker? No

This edition I'm guessing we and listen to my sympathy we preserve their anonymity They wouldn't look to us for affinity won't give them validity J&A with Mel today won't feel to say something funny Don't be a dummy. Oh do you everything is money if you're feeling lonely don't hinder hop up on 10 We'll find a limber chicken the winner with a bottle of liquor. No need to call just tax No need for feeling just sex. Let me see what's next email a sin. This is your last egg Hope you want to laugh at jokes. The shit is hashtag dope. I really think that this is crack No, go be laughing our ass off in this place. We're crossing this podcast to outer space Jocelyn has been looking for ace This one is from Peter Peter Peter from Australia, right now down to the nitty-gritty

Here's the sitch I was dating this girl a little while ago and we broke up two months before her birthday because I moved to a Different state now just before I had left I bought her a necklace to send her on her birthday Now I'm sitting here like an idiot with a necklace and not knowing what to do with it her birthday is coming up soon What should I do with it? Should I risk sending it and her not replying or denying it and me and having to go to the nearest Starbucks and slip my throat? Ha ha ha thanks Peter Why is this a hard? We described the questions and the problems as people that are in dire dire need stuff between a rock and a hard place

And this guy's just holding a necklace that you bought for an act like obviously Is this a hard question to answer for him for him? He doesn't quite understand it So if you bought a girl your girlfriend a present and then she's not your girlfriend anymore for two months She's not your pre. It's not a present for her You bought the present for someone that doesn't exist She's a goddamn ghost and last time I checked Ghosts don't wear necklaces. They'll fall off of her neck Actually, I'm running a real short story about it. It's called ghosts. Don't wear necklaces

It's the sequel to ghosts don't wear t-shirts Ghosts don't wear shoes. Those are always naked by that like the theory of that things just fall out Thought go through ghosts. They should always be nude Or they're always wearing ghost clothes. Yeah, that's true clothes that they died. Yeah, that's true But then yeah I don't know what's wrong with my boys, but you got me. Okay, nice one All right, nice one What are you doing? I don't know sometimes they just like to really irritate people's

Look that character is holding a radar gun. All right, buddy You guys can't see what I'm doing with my eyes, but it's really annoying It's sort of like the face of a Robert De Niro impression. No with the attitude Ghost Robert De Niro. Yeah, well, yeah a guy who's like sort of having a clever banter and then someone called him out for something It's like, okay, we're done then you're okay It's sort of your you-do-you-boys. Yeah That's like half Yoda half Drake Drake Yoda drink to droid a Like Google and droid a

So is there anything you should do besides not give it to her also? I love the phrasing of this should I risk sending it her not replying it. Yeah, that's I guess that's a risk like what? The lowest stakes ever like I'd hate to send this necklace and then not hear anything back I don't know if I can handle that risk of not hearing back from my ex-girlfriend who I sent a fucking present to after we broke up Two months ago. Are you really not gonna say thank you for this gift safe? Give it to someone else. It's also really weird. Would you like a necklace? I don't know Donate it to Salvation Army. They take jewelry. Yeah, totally. Oh, that's a really sad idea for me Did you say oh, yeah, like salvation up like poor people shouldn't have jewelry you ass

The thought of secondhand jewelry really grosses me out. Why like wearing a ring That's already been sweated on for by another guy for like tens of years. Yeah Gross we wash it. You don't wash jewelry. Yeah, you can you can like put it in a pot and boil it or some shit Is that true? I mean, I think so You can clean it. You can definitely clean jewelry Boil it in a pot. I think you I think you boil shit to clean it Do you I'm gonna I'll look it up right now boil it and actually miso soup. That's like a really cool technique You got like a pot of miso soup and you boil a ring in it. This I really this is a real thing

I'm just gonna Google boiled jewelry. Yeah, and it was a suggested search I wrote boiled Je and it wrote boiled jewelry to clean I guess I'm glad I didn't say boiling Jew boiling water many people Will believe that boiling water is a good way to clean jewelry. Yeah Dot dot dot those people are a hundred percent wrong No, it works. Yeah, I guess boiling anything would clean it right so that's How did this happen Here what mistakes let us to this terrible search on my phone that'll be here forever And even if I delete my history, let's just it's in the cloud. The NSA is just looking

Someday I might have to answer for that Boiled jewelry to clean some sad desperate search where like I've soiled jewelry What do I do, man? Do I fucking boil it? I got a stain on this ring It's in the cloud It's in the cloud the fact that I searched that though you could delete it from the phone But it'll never go away in your mind. It's real. It's here earlier today. I googled Mark Paul Gossler shirtless Your last two searches you should post that on somewhere being like I'm not afraid of

Posting my search history mark Paul Gossler shirtless boiling jewelry What's the one below that I Don't even want to tell you guys It's a it's Rob Thomas Shirtless not shirtless. Thank God. Rob. Tom is boiling jewelry Yeah, let me look at mine. Let's see if there's one. That's humorously Embarrassing This one's pretty embarrassing, but not really bit rate calculator

You lose it This one's also embarrassing ESPN.com Google Com I Googled mark Paul Gossler mark Paul Gossler wife mark Paul Gossler shirtless then out of them boiled jewelry to clean You should look how to pronounce mark Paul Gossler it feels like you're guessing mark Paul Gossler Mark Paul Gossler. I just want to see his fucking abs. I don't care how to say his goddamn last Zach Morris dick Zach Morris dick huge

Boiling water cleans diamonds boiling water clean Dustin diamond dick You're funny Why what I can't believe I searched this weird shit. Oh my god Don't send to the necklace. Give it away You jerk give it away throw it away Boil it away boil it until it disintegrates and then drink a glass of hot boiling gold dissolves Drank it put it in a drawer. You don't it doesn't matter. Just don't give it to her

She's your ex-girlfriend. You don't give her jewelry That's okay Because he's still has a pretty shit say Breaktime, you know, I wanted to read that break time break it I wanted to read that email that we got which was a follow-up to the Advice that we gave. Oh, yeah back in like episode 11 or 12. Let me find this email All right, so this is the email from it was the guy the the answer where we gave you got to earn this booty You got to earn this booty and this is the thing that they do on car talk, which uh,

Which I model everything that we do after as much as I can right They will follow up with someone who they've given advice to and ask if they were correct, right? So we this kid asked a girl out a couple times and she said no And he asked us should we should he ask him out of has crowd again and I and we basically said no She already said no a bunch of times and then we got into this this bit about how maybe a girl just keeps saying no Because she's telling the guy that he's got to earn this booty But uh, but but in fact, that's not the case if if somebody Says no to you many a times you it's time to pack it up, right? You don't want to make her feel uncomfortable

so he said he responded or he emailed us in and gave us this follow-up to our advice and he said hey guys I heard you guys were thinking about doing a where are they now episode you called me Gunther to preserve my anonymity and gave Me some fake advice about dealing with a girl You told me that I was being a stalker and made it clear that I couldn't earn this booty turns out You were correct, but there's a silver lining to the story I cried in front of her and less than a week later She sent me an apology text for the way she treated me now

It's awkward between us, and I still can't get over her, but at least I'm feeling better Do you know what silver lining means Gunther? What is what that is so ridiculous? There's a silver lining to the story. I broke down in front of her I wept openly in front of the girl that I liked and Not one two three or four, but five days later She finally reached out and said she was sorry So yeah, oh and don't worry. It's weird between us now. I assure you to make matters better

It's weird So just to recap they were big fat tears in front of the girl. I liked a delayed apology text and now lasting awkwardness, so at least I have that going for her This guy really didn't understand silver linings playbook. This is how did it start? Turns out you were correct, but there's a silver lining to the story. This is so real. Why are you feeling better? At least I'm feeling better. Everything went as bad as it could

You cried in front of her. I guess it's nice to purge your feelings I'm really happy that it worked out at least in your eyes Yeah, at the very least you think you did a good job. I love Gunther dude. I think you're great, man I'm not trying to be a jerk. I I mean Silver lining where where is it? Man, we have good news and bad news actually the bad news is I feel like you're gonna die in the next week But there is a silver lining to the story. It's going to be painful and difficult Anyway, I'm dr. Gunther and you can call me later

At least I'm feeling better about things There is a soul. He must hate silver. He must think silver is a terrible bad thing Yeah, the worst thing of all is that there's a silver lining Jesus. He's more of a gold fan You look like gold 24 carat gold slick Rickville So fresh we really shouldn't sing songs Bart writes can anyone come up with a theme of the name for this episode right now? That's right It's Matt Greening's family members Hey, I'm a sophomore in high school and I am leaving on a really long trip

I usually shave with an electric razor, but it's broken. My dad is never home to teach me how to shave Should I wait for him to teach me or should I just YouTube that shit? Oh? No It's here is protecting himself shy YouTube that shit my dad's not there for me Hey, um my old man sort of neglects me shy YouTube shit. I Don't know how to tie a tie my dad promised to teach me, but he's always busy. Should I just YouTube that shit? My dad I stood in the backyard of our house for two and a half hours just tossing and baseball into my own glove Should I YouTube that shit? Oh

My god, it's also funny because I can't imagine he grows a lot of facial hair. No, it's like this is a big issue It's just like Hey, my dad's gonna teach me to shave. Oh wait. Oh, he's not maybe I'll YouTube that shit Is The question should I YouTube this shit or wait for my dad to be there for me Should I wait for him to teach me or should I you just cuz he told me he was going to the store 10 years ago I haven't heard from him. So I'm starting. I'm debating whether or not to start YouTube and shit Someone needs to teach me how to be a man and I think they're gonna be my father or YouTube

I Should I set my mom up on a date, you know help her find love again, or should I yeah, should I just YouTube that shit? His dad his dad is off Getting a hand job in Israel on a bus right now. Is that is 33? Jesus what's the advice I guess YouTube this shit I More than anything, I'm sorry about your relationship with your father Hey, I don't even know if I'll ever have a good good father figure in my life

I don't have an older brother. So should I yeah, yeah Who's gonna teach me how to be a better person or should I YouTube? I want to treat women right and sort of you know be the man of a house, but I Don't know my dad kind of sucks cuz he's never around. I'm starting to think I should just YouTube shit All right, I found some shit on YouTube, and I think I think I'm ready to be it the dad my dad never was to me There should be a sad YouTube channel. It's like daddy's not here Just just all the things like you know had a hammer and nail everything your dad's supposed to teach you my dad never taught me that Did you YouTube that shit? I YouTube that shit. Thank God. I guess another one of your options is to just buy a new electric razor, right?

No, it's going on a long trip. I mean, I feel like the they're definitely like Undertone's in this question that we don't need to talk to him about shaving right? Look you your dad is he's a busy guy I'm sorry that he's not teaching you how to shave YouTube the shit. Yeah, what you you're gonna be your own man YouTube sends this kid like a football in the mill on his birthday His dad was never there So what's the advice the advice is buy a new razor then YouTube that shit If I were you if I were you, I know exactly what to do. So trust me

I trust in you listen to my dope and buy Seize the cheese the bounce of gracefully. Are you ready for some money? Seize the cheese Let's go to Brian Ryan My varsity baseball coach wants me to play summer baseball, but I'm already doing summer basketball and football workouts and camps The baseball coach said it will help my chances of playing varsity next year and they need me. Should I play summer baseball? This doesn't count you don't need advice you prick

You're perfect You're some advice be my friend Yeah, you're a three sport varsity athlete that has your your pick of which sport you want to play I'm just afraid I want to have sex because I'm so I'm Like maximize my time playing sports. Yeah, I'm gonna hook up with chicks. So I'm already hooking up with the head cheerleader But like now the prom queen wants to sleep with me, too. What do I do? I'm worried it'll hurt my chances. Yeah shit You don't have a problem. This is what they call like the opposite of a problem. You would say this is a good problem to have

I don't even think it's a problem to have It's a good situation to be in You're so good at sports that three different coaches need you to play on their summer teams You uh, is it possible that this person is unattractive in my mind is the best-looking guy in high school Yeah, the three sport athletes are can they be ugly? I don't think like he's No I don't think they can't wait. So what a position it's quarterback if he's gonna be quarterback Quarterback shorts or pick quarterback pitcher, right? It's got an arm point guard

Amazing athlete Chances are what are the chances that this guy's very ugly? Send us a picture of yourself, sir You're listening. We want to see a picture I guess even if his face is unattractive like an unattractive face on a very athletic body is not even true Well, I mean you might not have an athletic body, but he's doing three sports. I was just kidding The dude's obviously fucking ripped putt stacked. I mean what? Jack stacked putting up racks your triceps are probably the size of my fucking legs dude I'd love to know how many dips you do. I'd love to know your max bench

I was what I don't want even you ever try it, but I want to know your regimen, okay? I want I want to know I want to know your Diet I want to know your regimen. I want to know what kind of clothes you wear, okay? Are you a tight medium? Are you a tight medium if you were a large does it look like a goddamn small this guy? Where's the Ryan Gosling jacket everyone the coach is like hey play play the summer league for baseball It's gonna really help your chance in varsity. We need you like I think you're gonna be fine I think you're gonna get I think the coach is just like gonna let you do whatever the fuck you want Yeah, you'd be like coach. I'm gonna do football practice this summer and you can suck my dick if you won't I will suck your dick

Yes, you will now. I will suck your dick Brian. Okay, both of you. I know tell me that I know yeah two hands crank it out That's right. Are you an idiot? No? Say you're a child. I'm a child. Say you're a child Brian I'm a girl. We're a dh. What are you? Will you be the dh too, and I'll say I'm a girl I will not do that unless you call your wife right now I'll call her. Oh my god. I can't believe Brian's making me do this and you are gonna do it right Charlotte Yep, Charlotte. It's me and what are you? I'm a girl. I'm a girl And I'm sucking Brian's dick right now. I would never fucking play for such a push-over. That's right when he comes Jake you couldn't see if it was two-hand cranking throughout that entire bit

Super saw My girl, I really am a girl. I really am. Hello. Yes I'm a girl You're a loser. I would never fucking play for you sploosh. No, uh, Brian Dammit Brian Christ man, that's not cool. That really isn't cool dude I'm gonna give you one more chance. Go fuck yourself. All right. Bye. I Will I really will go fuck myself if you think that's what it'll take

No, this is sort of separate from the baseball deal. I still want you to do it. Absolutely. I'd like to suck your dick again Just for me You got a problem and you need advice that's hash tag dope Well, I might know these Jews that have their own podcast show If I were you sure it's gmail.com We can sense of humor can't believe what they say they'll ramble off for 20 minutes Then they'll be on their way and all you want it wasn't answered, but they don't go for that Yeah, they're reading through the roof and they don't write back

Why don't you let me know we'll call this dude Abraham Abraham writes in Hello, so I met this girl on Facebook and we started chatting and all we both love the same bands movies and shows After months of chatting and Skyping she wanted to meet me in person a month from now She is a smoking half French half Italian, which is the complete feature most guys want I guess which will make me nervous when I see her face to face How can I play it all cool and hope for the best? How do I avoid awkward silences? I am also considering learning a bit of French phrases to impress her Should I go for it or avoid the risk of making ridiculous mistakes in French?

We are meeting at her city and where should I take her a restaurant movie parks? Thank you guys feel free to make fun of me in whatever wild idea you can come up with But please don't forget to give advice to love Abraham Hmm Furthermore What is a restaurant if I take her to one do we sit down? And order food Well after shoving carbon nutrients in my mouth

Where do I get the green paper that people don't get mad at people after they take stuff for? In a park Will there be grass? If so, shall we sit on it? Do I have to compete with the trees for oxygen or do they get it somewhere else? Oh, uh, whatever wild way you can imagine to make fun of me. I know it's going to be hard I know it'll be a stretch as this is the most normal email anyone's ever written And I do understand how life works and it's definitely not sent from an alien

love Kill kill kill seek destroy Go go go I know you need a I know you need a computer to send an email, but I feel like this is our first email actually sent from the computer Yeah Not from the person itself. There is a just a just a computer taking a girl out on a date the first sentient being Hello podcast show. I met a girl on the book facebook a girl shows up in the parks

Just a fuck it's a walking Dell desktop with the with the body Um, I'm deep blue. I'm not what that you expected. Am I bonjour We we bonjour fromage I beat gary kasparov in chess in the 90s and yet I still can't get pussy pussy pussy destroy And awkward silence. How is that fair? How did this happen? I took you to a restaurant movies parks parks

I was instructed on how to avoid Say something say something say lovey Don't meet this chick, man How's that? No, you're shitting the profile's lame. You don't need to get test for STDs Just hold on text and pass an over burn in the bad and seize the cheese. So If I were you I'm a beast and I regard if I were you Text and girls get straight hard if I were you

I'd say go to you Now how is it that was our best of episode we we have fun Oh god, I miss jake Anyway, thanks again guys. We really really do appreciate it and we love you all well not obviously not all of you There are two to three that we just like a lot not necessarily love I mean you you probably know who you are though. Uh, yeah, we'll be back next monday with episode 49. Wow How the time flies? Um, I'm alone actually

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