If I Were You - 480: Erotic Fiction

Episode Date: March 22, 2021

In this episode we discuss sexy books, anti-vaxxers, and Amir's externship application at Coca Cola.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. Hi, my name is- What? My name is- Who? My name is- Call it a- Call it a-

My name is- Hum? My name is- What? My name is- Carry it dude! Seize the cheese, this dip needs to be locked away. Hard one and you go are here to save the day.

I'm not ready to leave to go get my degree. I've got some business ideas that seem pretty great to me. Should I fuck my friends aunt? I can barely decide. I just drank a fifth of vodka. Dare me to cry? All my life I was very deprived. My dad never showed affection, so I YouTubeed that shit.

Clam dip like a Rosenberg twin. My girlfriend is blowing her axe inside the Sims. When I was little I used to have gym class with Goatye. A substitute teacher stole my phone yesterday. I lay awake and strap myself in a bed In the middle of a Starbucks and shoot myself in the head. When I'm steaming mad, by the way, when you see my dad Tell him that he was delicious and this bitch got high.

Cause he's a pumpkin. What? My name is- What? My name is- Carry it dude! Hi! My name is-

Hum? My name is- What? My name is- Carry it dude! Hi! My name is- Carry it dude!

Hi! My name is- Hum? My name is- Carry it dude! Very nice. My name is- Very nice.

What? It's from a- It's Marshall basically. Let's- yeah. Mathers. Yeah. I know. Shout the guy out.

Shout the guy out. You butchered who it's a parody of. I love the- the line. Well, there's a lot of good lines that is- One of them was like, tell- Your dad he was great in a bisque I had, cause he's a pumpkin. Your dad was great in a bisque I had, cause he's a pumpkin. Your dad was great in a bisque I had.

That's funny, but he's up on my old man. That's silly, but- Yeah. But why don't we cool it with a hurling insult at my father? Okay. Okay? Yeah. Yeah.

First of all, you do that a lot. And I didn't do anything. Yeah. It was just that this song had a funny- Yeah, I do it. It's references to an old- I can do it. I can do it.

Fine. But you really should. Okay. Okay. Yeah. My dad- He's a good man. He's a gourd man.

He's a very gourd man. So he is. Yeah. You're still calling him a squash. A butternut man. I can do that. Also, I just drank the fifth of vodka. Dare me to cry is very funny.

Yeah. Did we say that at some point? I hope so. Is that a reference to us? I've definitely said it in my life. I just don't know if it's like a quotable thing we said or if this person also made it up and I like it. Dare me to cry is a very funny dare.

Dare me to cry. It seems like you're going to want to do it anyway. I'm already crying. Yeah. I was hoping it could be double doggy worth it, though. He doesn't have anything to plug, so I'll plug giving what I can't- sorry, givingwhatwecan.org, whereas listeners can check out why some people decide to donate 10% of their income to effective charities and where they can eventually make that pledge themselves if they'd like.

That's pretty cool. Very cool. Givingwhatwecan.org. Here's a PS attaching a picture from a live show that helped cheer me up after a breakup and it's me, you, and this guy and his ex-girlfriend, I guess. Whoa. Yeah. Jesus.

Sorry to hear that, but at least the memories of live shows are kind of fun. We're all touching each other and unconcerned about that kind of shit, so that was, yeah. Wow. And that's Peter from New York City, so thank you. The glory is. Thank you, Peter. I wanted to start this episode by addressing some nasty allegations about the last episode. You brought this to my top of mind, and yeah.

It was basically, I don't know if you- We're talking about fart gate here. Yeah, well, I don't want to use that term, but yeah, I guess listen to this clip in which Josh is talking, describing his film, and then you hear this noise in the background. But the scariest tale of all is- Right. So that was like- I don't know if you heard that, but that was like sort of this noise of a chair or like

door creaking open or a- That's a fart that echoed around the world that many people actually brought to our attention. It was on Twitter. It was on Reddit. People were curious if we heard it and why it happened. Right. How it got into the episode. So the noises from me farting, but the whole like drama around it was-

The fart was from you farting. You farted. There was this witch hoax that sort of surrounded and clouded the whole episode, and I feel nasty to Josh for having him on and then only to have one of us do that to him. Yeah. Regardless of who it was. We asked him to come on the podcast and during the one minute where he gets to promote his movies-

I took that as a green light, a brown light actually to sort of cut the cheese as it were. You ripped out. Yeah. You passed wind. You broke wind. So I was able- You passed gas. It was on a zoom so I can mute myself right now, you know, and fart and then come back.

You can't hear it. But what I forgot was that the mic that I'm recording into, I don't mute that. That just went straight into the episode. Right. And these are pretty directional mics, so that really had to be- It had to rip a little bit. Yeah, these mics- Yeah, they're made to pick up only what's in front of them.

I feel like I've farted while we've been recording and it's never picked up. Like that sounded- You really- You pushed that out. I needed to have that out of me. And when it came out, it was good that it did, but unfortunate timing. So I just wanted to address that we're sorry, you and I, about- What do you mean?

We are sorry. Well, you're the face of the pod, so- You muted yourself. I didn't even know that was in there. Everything I can do, you can do better. So at this point, Jake, I'd like you to put your ass to the microphone and let's hear a good old-fashioned chart. And while you're doing it-

I'm not gonna do it. What's that? I said, I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I can't. I'll try it. It was really, really tight. That was so offensive.

That was so rude, actually. What? You asked me to do it. I asked you with a capital, ass, and you did. And now we're both sorry for having said that. But yeah, I guess witch hoax over, it was me. I admit to it or whatever. If you admit to it, then it wasn't a witch hoax.

This is the most dirty thing you've ever done in the entire run of this podcast. You literally sharded on the episode. I didn't shard. This is how rumors get sharded. I passed wind. I had trapped gas. And honestly, it would be more offensive if you asked me to keep that in during the- No, it's asking you to keep it-

Well, keep it in during Josh's pitch for his film during this one time to promote. What I should have done was cut it out of the edit. It's on our show. Including cutting it out of my ass. So like if I were to cut it- Yeah, you definitely could have done that. Yeah, I should have cut it in post as well as through my colon. So I guess I'm sorry and let's just put to bed the mystery of this.

Honestly, I don't even know if I did it. And at this point, I'm like starting to think like I was unlawfully accused. You said that you, you said you did it. You explained how it happened. You said you muted yourself and not your ass. You're the chair. You've said all this. Now you're back to-

I really think I stepped on a cushion of whoopee. You think like I mailed you a whoopee cushion. This is all my fault. I think so. I think you mailed me a cushion of the whoopee variety and I took advantage of it during an opportune moment. So I wanted to take this time and we wanted to apologize to everyone. You know what? I am sorry for anybody that had to listen to it.

So thank you to both of us for apologizing. I think it takes a stronger man to bring it up, which I did. And kind of a coward dick move to throw me under the bus at the end there. But so it goes, I guess. You barely brought it up. You called it a witch hoax. I am applying for an externship at Coca-Cola. So I wanted to make sure that my record was absolved so that I could-

Do social media internship deals. So you could work for Coke? Yeah. Yeah. During the pandemic, they're looking for social media externs to sort of pitch for free hashtags that could be used in future contests. Interesting. So if you have one, let me know.

I don't have one, no. Let me know. I don't have one, no. Sorry, you don't have one. But I wanted to get ahead of the fart thing. You want the externship. Yeah. Exactly.

Okay. You want to work for Coca-Cola coming up with hashtags. You haven't thought of one yet, but you're covering your bases by apologizing for the fart heard around the world on your show just in case they reach out after reading your app. Is that what's going on? I think we're caught up. Yes.

I think we're finally ready to start. Throw me one hashtag for Coca-Cola. Just feel like you have to be- Yeah. I mean, I have a bunch of super back of the envelope rushed situation. Right. So I just want to hear where your head's at. I'm not even asking you to tell me what you want to pitch because I understand you'll

probably put some work in for the actual application. You'll eventually, I'm sure- This is like- No. Yeah. It's called- Just your favorites. Like Open Sky or whatever.

There's no bad idea situation. Yeah. A blue sky rain story. Yeah. Exactly. Let's just start. We want to get some pen to paper and there are no bad ideas at this point. Yeah.

That's where I am. More bad ideas. Right. It's almost a good idea if one of these are stupid unless you like one of them and then we could sort of pitch. But it could work. That will workshop it. Yeah.

But just like just to get us started throughout some of this, some of the hashtags that you can think of for Coca-Cola. I must ask you a summer. So it's like, if you know, November, I must ask you a summer and it's like, I don't know how it would even tie into Coke is what I'm saying. Like it doesn't make sense. But basically you would have to- I must ask you instead of like, I must ask you a question is I guess the pun.

I guess. Yeah. But not even really. But you said I must ask you a summer. So it's like a pun on a pun. It doesn't make sense. But it would basically be like, you grow a mustache in honor of Coke, which again, nobody would know what the fuck that even means and then they could potentially put some sort

of like sweepstakes under the labels, which they would need years to plan, let alone execute. So there's no, there's not even a point to bring it up. But I did. I'm glad. Yeah. Thoughts? You're working against yourself through the pitch too. I'm like, yeah.

I'm starting to back battle where I feel like I'm being attacked. So like, yeah, you're hedging, it's like it's self-defeated. But yeah, no, that is bad because like, it doesn't mean anything. It's not really even a hashtag. It's kind of like, it's a bad idea for like, I don't know, some kind of camp. Anything. Yeah. Definitely.

Even for Movember. As you said, this is all. It doesn't make sense. Well, Movember, Movember, it does, it does. That's true, because then they could use it over the summer as like, that's kind of interesting. Like they would be like, I must ask you a summer. And then it's like, we get like, who's the most famous person? Now I feel like I'm excited because we're talking about it.

Like it's a real thing. But who do you think is the most famous person with a mustache, Tom Selleck or Mario or some shit? If we have him as like the face of this campaign, and it's like introducing, we do like this, shut up for a second. This like masked singer style reveal where like this guy is like coming soon. So like banner ads, I'm talking billboard placements, tease the whole thing out, right? So you spend most of, what day is it?

It's March 22nd tomorrow. Happy birthday to my brother. Yeah. But like first day of spring, boom, we hit him with like huge sweeping cryptic Times Square placements of like, he is coming, he is here, the end is coming, whatever like that. And then. On Cinco de Mayo, we unveil this Tom Selleck, not Tom Selleck, but like someone like that with the hashtag, I must ask you this summer or it can even be Mark Summers.

And then the whole season, the whole reason for this thing, sorry, sorry, wait, it could be Mark Summers who doesn't have a, he would grow in for the, now you're pivoting to the, the pun being summer. Like so what would that be? Mark Summers with no mustache, the host of Double Dare says, I must stash you a summer. Right. No. Yeah.

Yeah. And isn't not, not to. Be labor. Get too far away from it, but this is, this is all, you're pitching like a Times Square billboard campaign. You're pitching like a huge fucking deal. And it sounded like this is just an extern ship where you come up with hashtags. Yeah.

So I feel like you're getting, this is all kind of grandiose for what your role for Coca-Cola would even be. Yeah. Which would basically ostensibly be an administrative thing. Like you don't like to talk brand ambassadors. By the way, Mark Summers, Tom Selleck, and Mario, your three ideas, so I don't think they'd want you to. Right.

Because they're all kind of like a little older, maybe canceled at this point, personality. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not super relatable to like Gen Z, so many people probably don't even know who Mark Summers is. Right. I wonder if we can almost do like this TikTok thing where we're using like a younger celebrity.

But that's, now we're getting away from the heart, the crux of this campaign, this application. Which was bad. Yeah. Which is bad, exactly. Which is bad. All right. Yeah. I mean, doing something for a TikTok sounds like it's, it's closer.

Oh, really? To. Interesting. I mean, TikTok, some kind of TikTok campaign would be more, do you mind if I, do you mind if we beat that out for a second? I, you know what, I feel like at this point, we're like 15 minutes into the show, all we've been talking about are like your farts and your internships or externships. Externship.

Yeah. Because I would do it from home. I tested positive, so they don't want me near the world of Coke. They don't want me traveling, first of all, and they don't want me, they don't want me there. Right. They don't want you. So, so I'm sorry.

Cause you said they don't want you traveling, they don't want you there and you're doing it from home. Does that mean you did get the job? Do you have the externship? I applied for an internship and they asked to see my negative result. What I sent was the positive result and they said that they didn't want me near the facility. I asked them if I pitched a legit A plus winning campaign, could I turn it into an externship? They haven't replied.

Now we're caught up. Okay. Okay. Can I? Do you want to beat out your TikTok thing? Well, I feel like it was your idea unless you'll give it to me or gift it to me or if I have to pay for it, I will. So far, the idea is just that Coca-Cola is more likely to do a TikTok thing than a mustache

campaign with Mark Summers, Tom Selleck or Mario. So I don't even, this isn't an idea of much. I have no ownership of the idea. All I've done is steer you away from a really bad idea into kind of like a different leaping off point. So, you know, it's all, it's all yours, whatever you want. Let me take that and run with it after record. And then I'll hit you with some like, you don't need to after, definitely don't hit

me up after. Like, I don't want to be involved in this. You're already like, you're roping me in by, if I gave you like five, like PowerPoints, would you be able to give me like little constructive feedbacks with that, like having that in mind? Like, would you be able to give me like, if this is even the right direction I should be going in, like right off the bat, the Tom Selleck thing does not work. It sounds like you know that also.

But I needed to hear that. Like when you're alone in a room, I feel like I'm going crazy writing shit down, trying to figure out. If you just want me to like, yes or no, five different ideas, as long as it's five different ideas and not five different PowerPoint presentations, I'm down to just be like, yes, that's cool. Perfect. All right. They might be PowerPoints just because I feel like I have to explain what the, I can't

just give you a fucking logline and have you say yes or no to that. I have to like explain it to me. When you said, you actually can, because you said, when you said I must ask you a summer, I knew right away. That was only the hashtag. That was only the logline. Yeah. It's obvious.

But that was a no at first. Couldn't make. That turned into something. It was still a no. Okay. No. I thought it turned into a pretty good, the TikTok idea. Right.

But that wasn't like. I see. Yeah. Yeah. It didn't have anything to do with the idea. I see. I see. I see.

That. Okay. All right. Awesome. Thank you. That was so cool. I think that's our episode just because I want to get to work. How long has this been?

About an hour-ish? 20 minutes. No. Less than 20 minutes. Okay. You know, like. Let's keep it. All right.

Let's, I feel bad ending it here, but all right. Let's keep going. Don't waffle on that. Yeah, we have to. Yeah. Okay. All right. This is if I were you.

And let's try not to like, phone it in. This is if I were you. Don't play speed through it. Don't rush through it. Yeah. You've all been there before. Coming up with. Big name.

This one is. Hashtags for Coca-Cola is such a low, low priority or it should be. First email. I'm interested. Can I send you one of your packages? Thank you. Walmart. What do you think?

Sounds good to me. Sounds good to you. You're reading your spam. Fine. Fine. Let's. Let's take a break. We'll come back and actually answer some real questions.

All right. I'm not going to phone it in. I'm not going to fart during the show anymore. I'm just going to be a normal guy with a normal job who's not looking for unpaid. By the way, externships. I already, I have a job. My job is to do this. I should focus on that.

Oh, by the way. Awesome. I just heard back from Coke and I am. Yeah. I, I'm doing an externship. How? I soft pitched them this like. When?

Big idea. And they kind of. The TikTok one. I email. I just chatted something to like the Coca-Cola Facebook. It was the TikTok. Yeah. It was like the TikTok.

That was our idea. So tell them it was from us. So they think they can hire both of us. I feel like two heads are better than one. If it's an unpaid externship. I feel like they only really need one person. It's an unpaid. It's like a whole mustache thing.

It's. I must ask you a summer. That was my idea. Yeah. But we're going to do it on TikTok. You wanted to, you wanted to make it like a fucking hashtag. I wanted to announce it. As a hashtag.

As a hashtag. It's bigger than a hashtag, buddy. It's bigger than a hashtag. Of course it's bigger than a hashtag. I think you can get Mario, Selic and Summers all together. Yeah. To do a fucking hashtag. And you wanted to make this a small idea and that's the kind of Coke.

Honestly, that's Pepsi thinking, bud. That's the way Pepsi thinks. If you want to go work for RC. Yeah, you can do that if you want. Okay. I work for Coke. And you're a joke. Crazy.

We have video, photo, audio evidence of me pitching this idea. You stealing it, using it and getting hired. You have an unpaid externship from it now. And I have nothing to show for it. Okay. For another two acts of this fucking podcast, which is starting to ruin my life. First, the fart incident. Secondly, this job opportunity that was coming gone.

Give me one good reason I shouldn't fucking end things right now. Because you're really, really going to want to be part of my campaign. I actually have a couple low level staff positions to help with the viral rollout of this thing. CELIC needs an assistant. And you get to, you can work on set with CELIC, with Summers, with the Mario animator. And you get to save your lunch receipts. So that's not bad. Save them to be reimbursed later.

Maybe. Or just save them for a fucking summer full of good memories. I must ask you a summer campaign signed by Mark Summers, signed by Tom CELIC, signed by the guy who voices Mario. Yeah, I'll take it. Thank you. Let's thank some sponsors and come back. Answer some real gosh darn questions on the other side of this break. Right.

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Thank you, Stamps.com, for sponsoring this show. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah.

Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not-so-tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me, personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow.

We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're a great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool.

So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it.

I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh, my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant.

It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. Can we let her know with an Aura? Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere

and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message

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Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back.

No time for unsolicited advice. We need to get to so-licited advice. That's right. We got a vaccine question from a 26-year-old female. Let's just give her a random, crazy name, just like this really silly, funny Fiona Apple style name. Okay. Fiona Apple.

That's good. Okay. Fiona writes, I'm a 26-year-old female dating a 26-year-old male, and we both have slightly different political views, but haven't had any major issues until recently. I just finished my second dose of the COVID vaccine this week since I work in healthcare.

I somehow never told my boyfriend about it, and he learned that I got it from a post of mine on Facebook. He instantly texted me if I actually got vaccinated and was upset because he doesn't believe in vaccines. I had no idea that those were his views. He confronted me two days ago and hasn't really spoken to me since. He said, I'm not ignoring you.

I just don't feel like talking. What the hell? I'm so confused. And I didn't realize he felt that strongly about vaccines. The worst part is that he won't even discuss anything with me. What should I do? Should I break up with him? Was I in the wrong somehow?

Would love your advice. Thanks. Love. Fiona Apple. Huh. Fiona. Fiona got vaccinated, and then her boyfriend was so upset.

It's funny that it didn't come up. I feel like she was kind of afraid that he was anti-vaxxer. That's like one of the most important things to bring up is that you get vaccinated or not. This almost feels like... You would think that would come up in small talk. This guy has energy of not that serious of a relationship yet. She didn't tell him she was even getting vaccinated,

like the second dose. That's a shot, and then a couple weeks then a shot. I guess I didn't tell him I was getting vaccinated. I feel like that's big life news. And then he only finds out from a Facebook post. It's like, this couldn't have been that serious. Anti-... And it should never get that serious.

To you, is there a difference of like, I'm anti-vaxx in general, or I'm like, oh, I believe in vaccinations, just not the COVID one. Yeah, it seems like they're all tied together. If you're anti-vaxx in general, you're also anti-COVID one. I guess there's a case to be made that the COVID one is newest,

so you're most skeptical about that one. How do they rush it out so quickly? I'm down with the polio one, because that took four years in 1928. But this one... I love the... Everyone loves the polio. That's the goat vaccine.

That's the go-to number one. I feel like there's 100% vaccine. The stats are like... Aren't they like 50% of people, or 30% of people, or something crazy like that, or just are skeptical of the vaccine, or don't want it? There have been a lot of people in different fields

that had the opportunity and said that they didn't... They'd rather not get the vaccine. Definitely more so than the child anti-vaxxers, like the chemtrail people. Yeah. Those people are probably fringe psychos, but then it's like, yeah, 30% of nurses in Ohio also set no to the vaccine,

and you're like, wait a minute, they can't all be insane. Some of them just must be nice, sweet, normal nurses who just happen to be against the COVID vaccine. Yeah. I guess that's the only reason why I was thinking, if this guy is like, know all vaccines are bad, then definitely break up with him,

because that's real bad, but if he's like, I'm a COVID vaccine skeptic, it feels like... I mean, I definitely disagree with him, but I don't feel like as a... You must dump this guy immediately. You're saying being anti-COVID-vaxx is more excusable than being anti any other vaccine.

Mumps. Right. Scarlet Rubella. I really hate for anybody to interpret this as me being anti-COVID-vaxx. I want the COVID-vaxx. I'm pro-COVID-vaxx. Well, you have a sort of history here of being anti flu shot, which is nothing but a flu-vaxx vaccine.

Come on. So... I got my flu shot this year. I got my flu shot. I'm glad it took a global pandemic to slap some sense into you, but at least you're able to change your position on things. What? A lot of people are like, no,

I'm not getting the flu shot, not getting the COVID. It's kind of selfish because it's like, you know, it makes people sick, so I'll just wait till everyone else gets it, and then hopefully it'll be fine. You're hoping that, like, you're going to get herd immunity.

You don't risk anything about getting flu-like symptoms for a day, and then you got to enjoy it. It's like it makes you more of a dick than, like, if you're like, oh, I'm not going to vax my children and they're going to give other kids, like, fucking smallpox or whatever that shit is. You know, like, that one's worse than the COVID. The COVID one makes you a real asshole.

Yeah. I think so. I think, do you know any anti-COVID vaxers in your life? It seems like I don't know any personally, but you do hear a lot of friends of friends or Facebook parents or, you know, people one rung of closeness to you away. Yeah.

There's no one in my circle that I can think of. Everyone I know, including me, actively wants the vaccine and is, like, trying to get it as early as possible. Yeah. Now, the big thing that's sort of the newest COVID storyline in my life is whether or not you got an application under false pretenses or waited in a standby line to get the vaccine.

People who are waiting in a standby line to get the vaccine are, you know, sort of righteously explaining that to people while people who got it quasi-legally by saying they work in health care even though they don't are a little bit more mum on how they procure the application. Yeah. It's also fucking, I don't know.

The whole thing makes me uneasy because I feel like there's so much, like, so much judgment when you don't actually know everything about somebody. Like, if somebody, like, posts, like, oh, I got my vaccine, I feel like there's a lot of, like, you better have diabetes. Yeah, I do.

I secretly have diabetes. All right, good. Well, what the hell made you eligible? Oh, oh, you have, like, an immune disorder. Sorry about that. But you really have to explain that shit to me. I have the right to know. Yeah, just say congratulations.

Mazel Tov and move on your day. But there is, like, this weird, not shame but embarrassment to admitting that you got the COVID vaccine too early or something. Yeah, which is kind of, well, I mean, I guess you shouldn't get it too early, but it all kind of sucks because it should just be, like, a celebration.

This feels like a time when we're, like, overcoming such an insane, such insane odds to, like, beat the pandemic. And you just want to be, like, I want that, like, end of World War II thing, like the sailor dipping the nurse. This is my swear of shit. Yeah.

Not, like, no, I actually, I called Walgreens and I showed it, they were going to throw it away and I had to get it, all right? Yeah, that's what the Instagram story posts, definitely make that very clear or not. And then you know, you know how that person got the vaccine. Although in some states, it's easier than others. Like, I was getting messages that said in Alabama

that you could just, like, walk into a pharmacy and get it if you want. Yeah, and I think Alaska opened up to everybody. Connecticut is opening up to, like, 16 and up on April 4th. So do you, can I just fly to Connecticut and get it? Or like, sorry, Connecticut residents only. Is it, like, a Mohegan's son casino discount or can anybody get it?

I am not sure. I think, state by state, it's different, but I don't entirely know what Connecticut's rules are. I'm working the BMI angle. Like, there are some states where if you're grossly overweight, you sort of cut to the front of the line. So I was 150 a week ago and I'm 172 now. If I get to 215 with my height and lethargy,

I can make a pretty strong argument at the end of April. At this stage? Yeah. Yeah, by the end of April, you'll be eligible. I know, but I'm like, now I'm just morbidly curious to see how many cheeseburgers I can eat in a week. And, like, it's fun at first when you're tasting it

and then you just start feeling groggy. Yeah. You look sick when you look sick. I'm thick and pale. It's like the two... You're eating a cheeseburger right now. I'm trying to pack it in. You're drinking a liquid cheeseburger.

I'm having a chili slushie, a chili smoothie of sorts. So this person, they're asking if... What? Like, how they should deal with their boyfriend who's mad at them for getting the vaccine? Yeah, I mean, like, if... I think that's actually too far. I think that the...

You can be an asshole and be like a vaccine skeptic and be like, I'm not going to get it, but if you're mad at your girlfriend for doing what's best for her and what's best for everybody, then I think that... Yeah, she works in health care. She has this breakup material. I don't think you can work in health care

and then be with someone who's anti-science. Like, that doesn't seem to jive very well. They must not agree with literally anything you're doing all day. Right. So if you feel weird breaking up with somebody just about the vaccine, then just use this as a way in literally anything else that you care about.

And I feel like this dude is going to be on the wrong side. I think you're going to disagree about a lot more. Yeah. If you've got common ground on everything except this vaccine, I find that to be very odd. Yeah, the vaccine is the Canary in the coal mine, the first red flag, the indication that you guys are probably not built to last long term anyway.

So yeah, you break up with him before he breaks up with you. You can't fire me, I quit. Style. All right, let's take another break and answer some more questions after these messages. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time

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That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check him out. Thanks, Better Help. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years,

we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store.

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and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial

and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you

to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Let's see here. We got a question about interior design. So this is sort of a side hobby of yours that you're slowly picking up over the quarantine, right?

Yeah, majorly. All right. This is a question from a dude. A dude in Canada. We'll call him. Oh. Yeah. Canadian man.

Connor McDavid. A Canadian. Tan France. I think Tan France. No, he's British, but he's the Oh, he's the fashion. Bobby, Bobby's the let's let's call him Bobby.

Bobby is the queer eye for this drink. Or wait, it's just queer. I know this forever. Okay, I'm glad we got there. Bobby writes, my girlfriend is a smoke show and painted a portrait of me. That is amazing. My question is how blatantly can I display

this masterpiece without being more of a narcissist that I already am for calling it a masterpiece? Can I get it framed? Is the living room a no no? Here's the rub. The painting is hotter than me. Girlfriend certainly threw this dog

a bone with the cheekbones. You can sort of tell it's me, but with a Timberlake twist, we'll put, we'll potential visitors post COVID, of course, see that the discrepancy is there and think it's strange. Should I lie about it? Should I lie about when it was painted

and say I used to be that hot? Thanks for any advice. Love, Bobby. Okay. Let's see. I guess, I mean, if you had a funny painting of yourself, could you put it up?

What room would you put it up in? I just don't think it's a living room. It can't be a living room. That's a main room of the house. A self-portrait rings, you know, not everybody has like a like a home office or a study or something, but I think kind of

like a casual, a casual vibe room, not bedroom though. That's weird. And not front hall. It can't be the first thing. A guest room is nice. What kind of room? If you have that.

A guest room has, if you got an extra bedroom, that portrait, that painting of yourself goes up there kind of jokingly. Yeah. I think any extra room in your house, if you have a rec room in the basement,

a room where you would play video games or watch sports, though that certainly sounds like the living room in a lot of places. I don't know what this guy should have given us the layout of his house. I wish, and I wish I could actually see the painting.

We had to be helpful. Yeah. It's an eight bedroom chalet in northern New Hampshire actually. So maybe the guest study or the reading quarter. It's very weird. It can go into the master hallway

or right above the fainting couch in the man cave. Yeah. This is real man cave material. That's cool. How about you? I can't quite imagine. I wonder if he lives with a girlfriend.

Oh. Because it's almost like... No. I think you would specify, right? He should be like, this is awesome. Can you hang it in your house? But it's even weirder in her house.

What if you turn it into this like sort of like cool street art gritty reboot, like you spray paint a stencil of a gorilla over your face. So it's like, wow, that's cool. Like I turned your work of art and now it's like I'm the Banksy for that. So you ruin the piece of...

Yeah, you ruin a present. You ruin a gift. That's what you want to do. I don't think of it as ruining. Think of it as value added. Actually, I'm not even supposed to... I'm not even supposed to... Banksy ruins walls.

Banksy will just fucking take like a really nice brick wall and destroy it with graffiti. He's a punk. Yeah, like I want to buy that wall and then now it's like, now I have to fucking worry about this stenciled little girl holding a red balloon

or some shit. Tacky is what it is. It really is tacky. And you know what? I'm all in on NFTs. So I don't even consider real art. Like unless I can own it digitally, entirely and like send it to you,

email you the original. I don't consider that art. Like I'm not paying the Ethereum. You still call it real art, right? You said I don't consider real art. I only consider what my fucking blockchain layups. That's actually a good point.

We call it VR, but there's nothing virtual about it. It's R. It really is R. And the shit you do, like the whatever you do, the paintings, the portraits, the little, I made a little fucking photograph

and I won a fucking award. Here's a statue. That's not anything to me. Okay. No one's going to a museum anymore. Like I'm trying to like really. You're crying again. Oh God.

How much cash did you spend on an NFT this week? I bought a LeBron Dunk. Oh no. For $270,000. I got a Morbid on your house. Come on. It was a hollow cosmic and I live in a fucking studio.

I had to sell everything I own to have it say my name next to Serial 12 of a Dunk. Oh and guess what? The market collapsed. Yeah.

I'm holding nothing. It's all a fucking party scheme. Yeah. It's a hot potato. And I was left with the bill. Right. Everybody was fucking passing it around hot potato style

and then musical chair, music goes off, lights go on and guess what? You're done. Oh Blumenfeld's holding a bill for a fucking $270,000 gift. That's not something that I can afford to have.

Yeah. And all of a sudden, Blumenfeld needs an externship. He needs a part-time job with Coca-Cola just so I can fucking keep the lights off. Make ends meet. Yeah.

I see. Meanwhile, it's completely, it's a free, yeah, it's free. So I'm not actually getting paid for any of it. Right. Nor do I, can I sell this thing

for pennies on the dollar? Somebody offered me $210 for it. Fuck off with that. I made a quarter million yesterday. Have you ever been on CryptoSlam.io? No.

Have you ever been on CryptoSlam.io? Answer me. No, I already said no, man. There was a CryptoPunk of a beanie and a mustache sold for $360,000 an hour ago. And

what have you done since dinner? I, Jesus Christ. I mean, I recorded this podcast, which I, which I, which I'll admit has been a waste of time.

Right. That's what I'm saying. Actually, there's a, there's a soccer one, a soccer NFT environment that you can sort of get into. Wow. Since it's,

since you're getting into the EPL, you can sort of dip your toes into the NFT slash soccer market. Wow. It's a Hotspur Jersey. Yeah. That's right. So if,

in case you start seeing it, it's called Sorare, S-O-R-A-R-E. You got to like build your soccer team. You can buy buying and selling these cards. Very interesting. Yeah. If you start seeing that,

just know that you heard it here. I'll avoid it. Yeah, definitely. I'm into, I'm into soccer enough. I shouldn't be into it anymore. Who's that Jersey of? Is it a specific player?

No. This is a, I think it's blank. Hold on. Yeah. Had to turn around in the zoom to confirm. But yeah, just.

No, it says, it says loser on the back. 69. Yeah, right. It was a gag gift. Somebody gave it to you had a white elephant. You didn't realize.

No. Jesus. Someone's trolling. Who gave you that? Who gave you that kit? No way. Impossible. I was a bit an Arsenal fan.

I'll get you, you gunner. Sorry. Do you have hatred towards the rivals yet or you're not at that level? No. I actually,

I have extreme hatred towards the rivals. I watched an Arsenal game today just to root against them. They played your, Wow. They played your hammers,

actually. And? Thrilling, thrilling match ended in a 3-3 tie. I think the hammers were up 3-0 and

Arsenal came back, fought tooth and nail. Jesus. To get the point. Sorry to hear that. Yeah. Damn it.

A draw, as it were. A draw. But you know, it's not, I think it could have been worse because if, I mean,

well they didn't win. They could have lost out, right? Yeah. That would have been bad if they won. Right. Right, of course. Okay.

One last question, Sean. Three. Let's make a count though. Yeah, it's a different one. It's a big deal. Let's treat it

with the reverence it deserves, as it were. Another lady name. Lady name. Chelsea. Nice. Because then it's

like a soccer team, but also a woman's name. Nice. Things are getting weird in my overries as I've discovered a new kink that's hijacked my brain.

Nice. I've gotten deeply invested in an anime show and dove into the online fandom of it all. There was a popular ship for two of the male characters, and after starting

to read some of the fanfic, I began to select shorts that were dirtier and dirtier. At this point, I will only bother with pieces labeled explicit and feel that I've become

addicted to the raunchy, gay erotica. I'm a straight-ish female, and I feel somewhat confused on why I'm so deeply invested in these fictional men's orgasms, but it's all I can think about. All I want to do

is read about them getting rimmed, stretched, and fucked senseless, and it's taken over my entire thought process. I just keep reading these dirty scenarios and replaying them

over and over in my head. It'd be one thing if I just needed to get laid, but these fantasies are so specific to gay sex, it's not like I could even recreate them if I wanted. What's happening to me,

and how can I stop thinking about their fictionally thick cocks ramming into each other until they're vibrating into simultaneous orgasms? I need to train my mind to focus on something else,

but it seems so difficult as the fan fiction seem endless. Seriously, I could be doing something useful with my time. I could have applied to those new jobs

or been reading a book. Please lend me your guidance. XOXO. Chelsea. Damn. It's tough out there. That? That's hard.

You get caught into the gay erotica, and then, you know, you get more and more explicit, and the stream is endless, and before you know it, you can't ever stop reading. You're addicted to it

with a capital dick. But does this mean anything? Is she more worried that it, like, will affect her sexuality or is she more worried that, like, like social media,

it's just starting to become a drain on her time and energy resources? Yeah, I think it's the second one, because, like, I don't know, there's nothing wrong with

being into a new kind of erotica. And I feel like you do sometimes, like, get... Sometimes you just, like, find something that you didn't really know was going to turn you on, then it does, and you're like,

oh, wow, I want to, like... It's like finding a new hobby. You start investing more and more of your time, and you get a lot of joy and satisfaction out of it. I think the part where it gets... Right.

Where it's, like, where it gets, like, dangerous is when it becomes a compulsion, when you, like, can't... when it's all you can do. Like, when she said

that there's so much, and she wants to read it all, like, if you... I don't know, you just need to find some time for that and time for the other stuff.

And... Yeah, you'll never read it all, as you know. It's an endless stream, like you said. Right. So I think you can just, like, you know,

read it until... set a point for yourself. And even if you go a little bit past the point, or if you go a little bit past your timer, just be like, okay,

that was as much time as I'm going to give myself to do that, and then I'll do something else, like, apply for a job, and I'll read a book.

I remember once that I was, like, it was, it was, like, a while ago, but I was, like, every time I want to look at porn,

I'm not going to look at porn until I've written 10 pages of a script. And all that happened was that I didn't look at porn for, like, two and a half weeks.

I didn't... You never wrote... Or you never wrote. Yeah. I never... It didn't inspire me to work harder. So maybe there's also

something to... to, like, acknowledging that, like, the porn isn't necessarily what's stopping you from doing the other stuff. I think there's enough

time to do it all. But there's other reasons why you don't want to do the other stuff, in addition to the fact that you like porn. Right. And do you think this is,

is she, like, confused as to why she's into this thing? Do you think there's an explanation as to why she's so into gay sex, specifically? Yeah.

I mean, there... Maybe? Or maybe it's just, like... I think there's a... There's, like, an explanation why you just didn't know

that you were into it because you didn't know that it existed. You didn't... You weren't into these two characters. And then you see something and it unlocks

that hot, like, uh, that, like, hot thing in your brain where you're like, oh, dope, I like this.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if there's, like, a reason that you're into it. It's just, like, there's a timing thing where you just found out about it now.

Right. So you're making up your lost time. Yeah. And also, I guess that's what sexual fantasy is an excitement is all about. It's about stuff

that you're not getting on a regular basis. Or, including for you, we'll never get on a regular basis. Yeah. I don't think you'll ever be

a gay man. So it makes sense that you're intrigued at the erotica that's specifically about gay men. There's, and there's, like, so many fetishes out there.

Like, who knows what, like, what ones are gonna unlock a passion in you. And when you find one, that's cool. I've never read

a sexy story. Like, my porn journey always started with photos and then videos. And it's like, I'm never gonna, like, then go all the way back

to, like, romantic literature. Yeah. Like, when I was in, like, sixth grade or something, or maybe even, like, fifth.

Like, my friends and I found a penthouse and there were, like, those, like, steamy letters that, like, the section that was just, like,

erotic stories. And I remember reading one and thinking it was insanely hot. Like, oh, my God. It's describing breasts.

This is insane. Moving a picture of actual breasts to read more. But it never even since then. Yeah. Interesting.

Maybe it's a, a sign of intelligent, um, clientele. It's like, I need to, like, sit down. Just, like, reading is more intelligent

than watching a movie. Reading porn is more intelligent than watching porn. Yeah. Could be. More adult, more mature.

So, you got that going for you. Muscle Tove. And I also think that just because you like this fetish doesn't mean that you're spending too much time on,

I feel like everybody spends a lot of time looking at porn. And maybe it feels a lot of time looking at one specific thing. But, like, there's so much porn

out there and so many people spend so much time looking at it. Trust me, as much as you're looking at porn, at the very least,

Jake is looking more. Jake is looking at more. M-O-R-N. Which is more porn. That's right.

What about that for a fucking hashtag? For Coca-Cola. I don't think so. Get drink more. M-O-R-N.

And if anyone asks something that came up on our podcast, I don't think that's it. Well, it would be universal to the people

that eventually drink more, aka more porn. Or more corn because there's corn syrup in the shit. I'm starting to think

that these sodas aren't good for you. Yeah. How about a can that says 37 grams of fun and it's like

a picture of boiled soda and a sort of little inch and a half of syrup that is left over at the end of it. And then maybe

you want to, like I've ever seen like a tooth that's left in a soda can and it just sort of rots. That could be kind of a reverse

psychology style. I don't think so. I do feel like that's kind of shit they want to get away from. They want to distance

themselves from them. Yeah. So like how cool would it be if they didn't? I'm saying. You know, it's kind of like

bullshit, man. Yeah. Yeah, you are. Damn, Daniel. Like, I never felt more of an L.

Yeah. No, you did. I think that you swung for the fences and you didn't. You didn't hit it on.

I got a triple. No, you didn't. A ground rule double, but at least I'm on base. No,

it was a fielder's choice. Really? A fielder's choice. Yeah. A Cecil fielder's choice. That's right. I ground it out

to the right field and Cecil himself sort of jogged and threw me out because I tore my Achilles trying to get to first. There was,

I had no chance. I injured myself instantly. Both my Achilles snapped. Pop. Oh, no.

And then I was going to leg it out. Kirk Gibson style. Pop. ACL. ACL. I'm on the first baseline. Cecil sort of

jogging himself to first, realizing I had no fucking chance. So that's what I did. Congratulations. I guess I don't get the job. But if you want someone who will hustle, beg,

borrow and steal in order to make himself available to you. Yep. You have my doors right here. Thank you. I'll leave then.

Thank you for your time. I was going to say that. I was going to say that if you wanted someone to work in by the way, but it looks like you walked here. I drove an Uber.

I took that guy here. And by the way, he stiffed me, giving him a nut tap on my way. He breaks my wrist. Ah, that was my one joint. My one good joint.

All right. Thank you for writing your questions. Thank you for sending them into, sending in your theme songs. You can, of course, email them all to, if I were you, show at gmail.com.

That opening theme song again was written by that very generous man who did the parody of my name is, right? My name is who? My name is Chicky Chicky. Something, something. Who was that?

Oh, Peter. Peter, yeah. Peter wrote that one. And this closing one is written by Killer Kowalski, subjective. Oh, right. It's based on a song that I started to sing a few weeks ago,

the subjective objective song that I was sort of freestyling. He turned it into a song. And he is a musician under the artist Killer Kowalski on SoundCloud, Bandcamp and Spotify. So thank you to Killer Kowalski. Thank you to Peter.

Thank you to you guys for listening. Of course, if you want to watch more of us, we're watching our old episodes of Jake and Amir on our Patreon. That's patreon.com. We're even doing some J and A AMAs on there. There's Lonely and Horny on there.

Lots, hours and hours, days of content on our Patreon. So check that out as well. And of course, we'll be back next week. Bye, everybody. Later. All right.

Give me a beat. I'll continue it. Yeah. Probably. I will. All right. Objective objective. That's your opinion.

I'm not that ugly. That's the right women. Damn. Let's go back. Objective objective. That's your opinion. I'm not that ugly. That's the right women.

Damn. Let's go back. Objective objective. That's your opinion. I'm not that ugly. That's the right women. Damn. That's your opinion.

I'm not that ugly. That's the right women. Damn. Tomorrow, air today, On tomorrow, air today, On tomorrow, I'm not that ugly. That's the right. You are the talentless.

You are the talentless. You are the right women. Objective objective. That's your opinion. I'm not that ugly. That's the right women. Damn. So my mom says I'm a sex...

Actually, he wasn't that... That was a Hidgum Original.