If I Were You - 481: Moonshine Passover

Episode Date: March 29, 2021

In this episode we discuss live shows, business ideas, and terrible tattoos. Check out our show and many hilarious other pods featured on Stitchers first ever Comedy week! In app or at Stitcherapp.com/comedyAdvertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. Go on Tinder to find 10s, bang them, then say let's be friends. Tell me that I am not a douche, just cause I killed my girlfriend's bitch. How was I supposed to know? Don't feed it weed. I'll email my duty little secret to that chicken on air. Please don't worry, you're plastic, but I'm the only turner. You think it'll work out? Tell me what you're too bad. My dirty little secret, if I were you.

If I were you. Very nice, that is all American rejects a parody of dirty little secret off the album Move Along. Now let's you and I move along and go right into the show without thanking the artist who wrote it. What's up? What's up is that that was written by Lorne M. from Toronto. He sent us a bunch of theme songs over the years. I just found this treasure trove. Not only does he have a dirty little secret.

Yeah, we got some newfound Glory ones, Blick 182 ones. So I'll play one at the end of the show too. So shout out to him. He's a huge Nat Pot fan as well. And Nat Pot is the reason he plays D&D with his friends. So I thought it would be nice. Thank you for that. Then why don't we give this guy a nice little shout out?

I think he deserves an out of boy. I know you wanted to move right into the show, but was there anything that he wanted to plug there? Sorry, you're not in charge. I'm doing what we usually do regardless of what you say. First he wanted to move on and I didn't. Then I gave him the shout out and now you want a harp on it. So both times, no, there's nothing you want to plug. I'm not listening to you.

You're not in control of anything. That's the short story long. Let's just roll into the fucking podcast then. No. You would think that we would agree on that one. Now you're just putting my foot down. I want to hammer home the point that you don't get to decide what's what. You're trying to assert your dominance as the podcast.

Exactly. I'm going to cut your mic. Hold on a second. There we go. In post-production, yeah, Jake is talking right now, but I've edited him to be silent. This is how much power I have, so you don't get... I decide, here's, just to show you how godlike I am, here's Jake in a different part of the podcast now.

That is All-American Rejects Parody of Dirty Little Secret. There we go. So you don't tell me what to do. You don't tell me what to do. I tell you what to do. Okay. Piece of shit. Fine, sir.

Happy Passover, by the way. I forgot. I didn't even mention that at the top. Chag Sameach, as they said. Yeah, this comes out on Monday, so Passover will have started on Saturday. Wow. Are you going to go breadless?

Can you last at least a week's without yeast? I don't know if I can last a week's without yeast. I usually give it a go for a few days before slipping in some fashion. Like I'll say, oh shoot, I'll have mozzarella for breakfast and then some mozzarella pizza for lunch and then it's like dinner time. And it's like, oh, I can't fucking stand this anymore. And I'll just go ham on a holla or eat some yeast,

like nutritional yeast or like... A yeasty treat. Yeah, I'll have a big roll. A treat for yeast. I feel my blood sugar getting low and I just start freaking out a little bit. Yeah, so Passover is really just a time where you eat matzah in addition to bread.

I'll have a satyr. Yeah, I'll have a satyr. I'll be like, go have a satyr. I'll have the bitter herbs. I'll have the matzah. And you are a bitter herb, to be honest. Not really. I don't think so.

Yes, you are. I'm a little bit bitter. I think you're a bitter herb. The whole entire fucking thing where you edited my voice out of the show and you screamed at me to say that you're in charge. I think that makes you a little bit bitter and like being in charge of a podcast. Sorry, charge quote unquote, in charge of a podcast.

Yeah, that makes you a bit of a herb. So I think you're a bitter herb. Yeah. And you're also one of the fucking plagues. You're a locust. You are a locust. No way. If anything, I'm blood.

You are. I'm blood or frogs at worst. There's no am locust. I think you're a locust and you're a boil. I really think you're famine and darkness for that and your death at the firstborn. So fuck off with that. Yeah.

That's the big one. Did we hit them all? Did we hit them all? Famine. Yeah. Did you need to say lice? Lice? Yeah.

Lice and locust were the same one? I think they're different ones. They're not the same? Then there's one about beasts. God went fucking ham. Yeah. There's one about beasts. Yeah.

Like animals dying or something. Or maybe animals showing up. So like a warthog will sort of arrive. Yeah. I kind of remember that from the movie. Yeah. Yeah. Which would in theory be good for those golden days

like needed to be shepherds and stuff to get meat. But cool. Yeah. Either way. Yeah. That's what makes you think. Maybe the plague of beasts was that they died, not that they just showed up having had.

Right. Yeah. A cow showed up at my door and now I can eat for a month. Yeah. Because he already had dinner or something like that. And then of course, yeah, the big one, which we all were forgetting. That big plague, that plague that we all could say.

We all know we all have. I think we did 10. Did we? What? Did we? I think we did 10. Yeah. Because I'm sort of, it's coming to me a little bit.

I'm starting to. Are you Googling it right now? Are you looking up a list of all the plagues? No. It feels like you are. Yeah. Hail. Actually.

Hail. Right. That's right. That was a really unconvincing way to vamp, by the way. It snowed ice. You went monotone. And then of course, there's the 11th plague, COVID. So we're going to do like the extra,

like when you dip your little pinky in the wine and do it on the plate. I think it would be kind of cheeky to do the 11th one. Are you going to go do a huge, in-person, mask off non-social distance sater? I'm an anti-vaxxer. I'm an anti-vaxxer. You're going to a super synagogue.

Yeah, that's right. So it's 11,000 Habad people in me sort of flinging matzah in a maskless environment, sort of joking around about the 11th plague. It's a Jewish burning man, okay? Yeah. God, you just described my fucking dream. Imagine you're getting bar mitzvahed by Diplo.

How dope is that? Imagine your canter is Macklemore and your hoff Torah is thrift shop. I'm going to go to Sinai. Oh my God. I'm going to land some boils. I only got one frog in my pocket. Oh, here's Moses.

And now here's Joshua. He's wearing a coat. So the coat, the Technicolor Dreamcoat is the crossover. I see. Yeah. Walk up to this Bible like, what up? I got a big cock. And then the rabbi shoes me off the dais.

All right, that's quite enough. You trip over your tallest. I shouldn't have got an extra long paralyzed. Good stuff. Great job, by the way. That was a good nice bit. A nice bit of comedy. You're still acting like you're the fucking boss.

What else? You don't get to get the accolades. Golden mics for both of us for that. Yeah, right. I don't fucking think so. I'm going to pepper them out throughout the episode or whatever. You get one, I get one. You can have one more.

You can have two. That's good. Why don't we just make the award not special by giving it to both of us? Like it means fucking nothing. Like it's not a competition. Like it's not something you can win, something you can earn. Yeah, it's not a participation ribbon. It's not a party favor at your birthday party.

I don't think so. Yeah. No. Close. It's an accolade. It's an award. It's a trophy. You don't get to stand on the podium.

Nice. You've been awarded the 30. Right. For defamation against the golden mic. For treating it like a fucking trinket. And it's not. Okay. It's a crown jewel.

You made your point. I did make my point. And actually because I made the point so powerfully, I'll be taking the golden mic. Not because I earned it, but because I need to protect it from a fiendish little ghoul like you who wants to get your grubby little paws on it and give it to everybody like it's like it's a fucking goodie bag. And that's not how it works. All right.

Let's move on to the show. Now it's actually at time, so we are going to do it. Right. Okay. Let's have fun. Let's have fun and let's keep it light. Let's just, you know, try to enjoy each other's company. This is crack some crack wise.

Yeah. And be silly. Okay. I know you hate me. I hate you. I don't. And let's just. I don't.

But that's interesting to hear about the other one. Yeah. So it's clear that you hate me. Let's just get this over with, but try to have a good time. All right. Yeah. Um, this is if I were you, the only vice podcast on the web hosted by us. Though I guess you hate me.

Uh, I'm Amir and I'm Jake. Let's try to be silly. Silly. You just dropped this fucking really emotional bomb on my ass and you want me to do a fucking bull ankle voice. Yeah. People don't, people don't fucking come. They don't tune into here.

Like our, our drama, our beef, you know, the, the goings on between us is fucking dire as it is sometimes. I didn't even want to hear. Yeah. Yeah. We got an email from a guy who works at a law firm. Come on. Be jovial.

Be jovial. Uh, we got an email from someone that works at a law firm. Let's call it. Oh, really? You're weeping. Danny Dicklaus or something. That's good. That's very good.

Thank you. It's almost golden Mike worthy. If you didn't trip over your dick and fumble the whole trophy to me this episode. Yeah. Uh, Danny Dicklaus writes this male girl has been flirting with me and she's got a bang in body. I have no supervisory authority over her. She's in a different department.

So should I ask her out or is this too close to the workplace? And then I replied, is this like a male woman or like a male person at your company? And he said, I'm an attorney at a law firm. So I think it's the male person at his law firm. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Does that make it better?

Do better or worse than the male lady? I think it makes it maybe a little, I mean, maybe a little worse. Like if, if she was a male person, then she'd be an employee of the federal government. Yeah. But as it stands, she's an employee of your employer, but at least you aren't like, you don't like have any kind of like power over her job. Yeah. I, at first I thought he meant male lady, which is kind of cool.

I don't really think about, yeah, for, for some reason all the male people in my life have been like 60 year old, but like, I guess there's a world where like your male person is like 28, right? Like, yeah, I've seen some, I've seen some high male people, especially in New York. It's like a young person's game here. Is it a male person or is it like an Amazon or a FedEx or a UPS? Cause I've seen some UPS guys with monster quads, sick calves, and a, and a hot shirt. And they were in the fucking form fitting shorts.

Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. You see a little bit of both. You see the, I mean the, I think the UPS, UPS and like FedEx, it feels like they've got the highest quotient of hot drivers. But no, I've seen some hot like straight up federal careers as well. We should do like a Hooters, but for male, like almost like imagine a world where instead

of getting a package, you get something else, but from a guy who's rocking a package. Yeah. He's got like booty shorts and your dog would stop barking and it would start howling. Yeah. And it would be really expensive because we'd have to like pay for like, yeah, like an airplane. I guess. How does it work with UPS? I'm selling, sending shit to fucking Spain.

We'd have to figure that out. It's almost like a courier of sorts, but the person is right because there's a nine. Yeah. There's customs to be associated. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. There's like tariff codes.

There's a lot of taxes you have to log to be honest, but I feel like as long as you have the fleet of like trucks and then you have the, you know, I need international business like almost cargo. Shipping containers. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine Maresk on fucking booty shorts. Damn.

What? Yeah. You know the huge boat that got stuck in the Suez Canal? Like that could have been us at like a 200 megaton fleet and the captain is on fleets. You would have wanted to be stuck on there. Yeah. You'd want to be stuck on that, but it was a fucking party. Yeah.

Like a fucking booze cruise situation. I feel like instead of whatever we're shipping shit ultimately, but a lot of it has to do with champagne models and bottles and just fucking going ham, whether it be in the Philippines or like Ibiza or wherever and like it's just, and we can get it there early. We can get it there ahead of schedule and we'll give you good tracking info. Okay. Yeah. That's not an issue.

That seems hard to figure out though. Like how would I know if I'm just partying on a fucking yacht with Michael Eisner and I have an envelope that has to go to Denver? How do I get that information? How do I, I'm wasted and I'm wearing a tiny bathing suit. I need to get this letter to Denver, but everyone around me is too hot. Yeah. Like you're sort of, I guess freak dancing with two nines and you're-

At that point- In Greece. You could do like, yeah. If you're in Greece and you have a letter that needs to get to Denver, but you're too drunk and you're partying too hard, you're rolling out to the person, you're rolling, you wait to come down in the morning during like the fucking suicide Monday, you know, you have like, you're on your, you're on your come down, you can take a picture of the inside of the package.

The package. Yeah. Like read it. Yeah. And you could like read it to somebody. If it's just a letter, then it's no big deal. We could do- Just fucking read it.

Faxes. Because Kinko's, I think- Yeah. Faxes. But not. I'm so sorry man, I didn't really think this through, but I can fax this package, but it's like a gift, so like it doesn't really make sense. How would you fax?

Isner. Who's that? Eisner. Oh, that's Michael Eisner. Michael Eisner and then also John Eisner, the American tennis player. That's cool. Yeah. That's right.

So it's Jack Sock. Yeah. And he's also on the boat. sock, John Isner, Michael Eisner, two models and you in a fucking letter. Are you kidding me? Are you fucking joking me with that? People would pay top dollar. I guess this person should not should not sort of flirt with somebody at the company. It might be conflict of interest. He's a higher up. You know, he's an attorney at this law firm. I'm sure he knows the law better than I do about what's legal. Why is he asking us for legal advice? It's not legal advice.

It's moral advice. So I think that what you so you it's it's similar to the barista situation. Like you don't necessarily want to put it all out there because if you get rejected, you have to see this person every single day and it's uncomfortable. So all you can do is just I think you just have to like patiently continue the flirtation that you guys are both enjoying and that's kind of all you can do and see what happens. Yeah, it's it's a long game. And do let me know about the the mail idea if you wanted to because we probably need a lawyer to figure all the stuff out in terms of like we would need to make an LLC or something before we get on the boat. Yeah, right. Or at least a partnership and we would need to like I I would I really

wonder what the difference in price is from like leasing a fleet or trying to just like fucking I don't even know own it somehow. Is that fucking banana like how much to be like how much do you think someone would pay for a letter to get from Greece to Denver because you could maybe collect the mail first people pay for the shipping up front. You take that cash and you turn around and you buy a small fleet. Yeah, like like how much is 12 boats? Look on I'm looking up how much a shipping container just just a container like a box. Okay. Oh no, the ship. Jesus Christ. The shipping containers are like $3,500 container. I need to word this differently. Container ship cost. Okay. Yeah. Oh, fuck. What? No way. Shoot me

straight. Don't soft sell it because I need to know the total costs before we launch. Well, do you do you want a fucking geared 500 TEU container ship or are you looking at the gearless gearless ship? I was gonna say 12,000. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's yeah. I mean, you're already going to want a 500 TEU ship because it's not going to help you. You're not going to you're not a courier that's worth a damn if you're only if you're only shipping 500 TEU and that's like so this is we're looking at I think this is new but it's still I could probably 100,000 74 to 105 million. 105 million. Yeah. That's a gut punch considering we need 12. At that point, we're looking to raise 1.2 billion and our plan is to just sort of get high with jack sock on a

sailing boat. So we don't really have a good story to sell to the venture capitalist there. There's not a good why us like there's an interesting origin because we're sort of like we have the audio file of like us coming up. That's true. That's true. Okay. Let me let's take a break and we'll crunch some numbers and maybe we can go because we could also crowd fund this. I was going to say we can Kickstarter go fund me this shit if it's only one if we can get it under 1.2 billion. I feel like there's enough. Well, let me look because I can look and see these are brand new shipping containers. I have a rash. I have a rash of the excitement about coming up with this idea. So I feel like we should execute. But yeah, I have this like

under my arm. That looks like it's been there a long time. It's the there's no way you got that it's the boils. It's the boys scratching at it. Holy shit. The plagues are coming early. All right, let's take a break. We'll come back on the other side of these messages. Thank you to stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business. But with stamps.com all you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office. So if you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it. If you need to sell products online stamps.com seamlessly connects with every major marketplace and shopping cart running a business isn't cheap.

So stamps.com has huge carrier discounts. We're talking up to 84% off USPS and UPS rates. Holy smokes. And for 25 years stamps.com has been indispensable for over 1 million businesses. So if 1 million businesses can trust stamps.com certainly you can too. Set your business up for success with stamps.com today. Just sign up with promo code if I were you for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and free digital scale. Wow. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com. You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you and that gets you a free four week trial free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show.

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode but the entire Head Gum network Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah not just Father's Day but for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with

your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh that's cool. So you take a photo of anything perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah kind of like she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god. Jill's grandma is 90

and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah it's a great gift. A really really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and

visit Aura Frames that's A U R A Frames dot com. And our listeners can use code head gum to get up to 30 dollars off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow this is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A U R A Frames dot com. OK. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code head gum for 30 dollars off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you Aura. And now back to the head gum podcast you were listening to. And we're back. Jake do you have any. Yeah. Yeah I do. It's called fucking yoga and it's called doing it for 10 friggin minutes. Yeah. 10 minute yoga that's enough. It's enough to get a tiny little benefit I think. I mean

I feel like for me I've always wanted to do yoga and there have been times in my life where I like was pretty regular about doing yoga but always eventually like the fact that it took at least an hour and sometimes the in person classes were like an hour and 15 minutes. It just was like such a time commitment. And then I started doing like just kind of like online exercise and I'll do different you know like cardio one strength ones with all these different classes. And one of them is yoga. And I was like I'll give it a shot. And I was just sorting by like 20 minutes 20 minutes for your hips 15 minutes for your legs. And now I just started kind of do it like starting my morning with I'll exercise do whatever. And then at the end 10 minutes of yoga it's kind of like a really

nice guided stretch that's like more active. Yeah. Yoga seems like I've never done a specific yoga class but I've seen like yoga videos and it's like everything from stretching your legs to like impossible positions that I couldn't do in 120 degree heat. So like yoga is a very general blanket statement. Yeah. I think some I feel like from for what I used to think yoga was I was like oh this is like a good workout. It's a core strength. You're like holding planks. You're like holding poses. You're doing headstands. And that's not why I do yoga anymore. Like I like other exercise for my strength building and I want yoga for like to relieve tightness and give me flexibility. Right. So I'm just doing these like very very targeted short bursts of yoga that like

basically you can search yoga for anything like whatever you think is bothering you like if your neck's feeling tight like and then you just get basically 10 minutes of neck stretches but it feels a little bit more like it's not just like sitting and doing different stretches. It's like a flow and I think it's great. So what what what app do you use? Do you just YouTube that shit? Well there's a free person on YouTube called Yoga with Adrienne who is the goat. She is the actual goat yoga instructor but I'm a Peloton boy so I I'm using the Peloton app which anyone can try for free for seven days. Do you think you go back or maybe longer? Do you think you go back to indoor exercise anytime soon or it's unnecessary, unneeded even in the new world? I think my hope

is that gyms cost a lot less money because I'd like to belong to a gym but go there like once or twice a week. I used to go to the gym either at least four times a week kind of and I feel like that just took a lot out of me so now I would prefer to work out like do these like bike exercises or like at home strength training stuff mixed with bike riding but then every once in a while just go to the gym and lift which I still like but I don't want to do it all the time and I feel like gyms were always so expensive that you'd want to like get your money worth, your money's worth. Right. I guess the question will be will gyms be even more money when they get back because they're desperate and hopefully people are so desperate to get back there that they could

charge more. It's going to be interesting to find out. I think that's yeah it seems like that's probably what's going to happen but I do wish I could just go to the gym. I want to pay for a gym membership that's like five times a month just so I can go there use like the big heavy machines but the rest of the time just chilling at home. Yeah. Do you miss the gym? Kind of yeah. I don't miss driving to work out like 20 minutes to one just to do gym exercises but I definitely worked out harder in a gym because you know you actually do have to drive there. I don't have like a bench press or like many weights at home so like I do what I can at home but I mostly don't work out as hard as I do when I was going to the gym or playing basketball like I'm not

sprinting anymore so I feel like I'm going to get very winded very soon once we start running around again. Yeah but you play tennis right? Yeah. Tennis is pretty good but it's not as continuous as basketball was. Right yeah. Especially because I'm like not to bring up jack sock again but I have this pretty nasty inside out forehand and it's just like I rip it down the line and whether it goes. Oh my god you've been just doing that motion is that you're that looks like it's really bothering your rash. I mean my god. It's not my rash it's my fucking labrum I think I tore a lot. Holy shit. Yeah it just squirted your computer camera. Holy shit you're gooey. I'm fucking gooey. You know Huey doing Louie? Yeah I'm gooey so I'm seeping more than anything. All right yoga 10

minutes get into it. Here's a question about a tattoo from a lady so why don't we call her Audrey Tattoo the actress from Amelie whose last name was Tattoo I think. Cool. Here's my problem I promised my mother that the next time I get a tattoo I'd show it to her so I recently showed her some new art that I was planning on getting and she called it quote big and ugly what I didn't tell her was that later that day I had an appointment to get it which I then secretly want to do then the day after I got it she came to me with a deal if I waited six months and I still wanted it she would pay for it herself so here's my question should I tell my mom in a couple weeks that I decided to get it anyway or should I hide it for six months then get her

to send me money for it and pretend to go and get it love Audrey who interesting very interesting um you so the mom's like just wait six months and you'll hopefully change your mind and I'm willing to bet on that because if I lose then you'll get the tattoo on me yeah um so so interesting okay I would I guess I think I have the answer so I think you should pontificate and then I'll deliver the actual answer I think it's probably not I mean it's uh it's in the spirit of her bet if you still wanted to get it in six months then she would have paid for it and then you would have gotten it so it's not a complete lie though it is kind of a lie to your mother because um you actually already got the tattoo so that's going to affect the rules of the wager

like maybe if you didn't get the tattoo you wouldn't want it and now that you have it I wonder if you can change it up and say in six months if I don't want it anymore will you pay for the removal of it that way it's still a six month wager a test and she still has to pay and ultimately you might have to get it removed which your mom would want anyway but yeah I would feel a little bit too bad lying for six months what if she sees it yeah that's all right good that's that's where I landed as well don't lie don't lie I think well actually I think you could do a mix of both but you're not going to like the answer I think you you lie so your mom doesn't know that you were a bad child uh you you lie so you didn't get it yet um but then wait six months and you

say I still want the tattoo but I'm going to pay for it myself so your mom feels like you're a responsible uh well-rounded adult that's nice and yeah it's a happy ending because you did already pay for it you're not going to try to rob your mom and you don't want to make her feel bad like you just turned around after she said it was ugly and you got a tattoo come on come on you got three tattoos and two of them removed so it's almost like your mom should have made this wager with you you would have gotten only one tattoo maybe that's true but if my mom and dad had given me more money then I would have way worse tattoos there would be more of them and they'd be bigger so you're saying they were cost prohibitive the tattoos you wanted to get thank

god yeah so like I have three tattoos that each one cost $50 because that was like the tattoo place minimum but they're all really small but I wanted a like a $250 tattoo and what were you hoping for there what kind of piece did you want show me the art I think I talked about on this show before it was really fucking gross it was like a nude uh fairy like hugging a lotus flower Jesus I must suck to have a kid who wants that because then you're like where did I go wrong and then it's like if they're 18 and they can get it you really like you got nothing and like I didn't have other shit going on so they couldn't be like oh Jake is this and this but he wants a tattoo but at least he's blank you know it was like I was a college dropout failing um working

at a part-time job couldn't stay in school living in the basement wanting tattoos of fairies on my back I actually got a Hyundai Elantra insignia on the inside of my ass yeah why you drive a monster right it doesn't make any sense but I guess when you're 29 you like don't know better I will say you got one removed that you have to get re-tattooed onto your person don't you there's a family tattoo one word per person and you got yours removed so then you have to re-stick it on your body is there plans to do that that's right um I was actually thinking about it yesterday I have not found a place on my body where I have consistently wanted it for a long time I think I wanted on my quad now quad quad god yeah front back side

front left quad mid thigh I guess like right around maybe like a couple like an inch where an inch below where like a boxer brief might fall oh so you want it to come out during a little peekaboo during when you're wearing boxers but a hidden abu when you're wearing shorts yeah if I'm if I'm wearing shorts you can't see it and then if I like sit down on a bench in a beer garden and you see my legs then you might see a hint of the tattoo at the base mid thigh on the quad on the day and would you have to shave that area or are you a hairless kind of thigh guy I don't have a lot of hair on my thighs but they would definitely shave before they inked it there's something there there's a little hair you know yeah I wonder if that would hurt

because it's a pretty sensitive area I mean you seem pretty thin skin pretty sensitive no it's there's a lot of meat there there's a lot of beef on that yeah I guess I imagine like where I scratch where does it hurt and if it's like above my hairline on my quad that seems pretty sensitive maybe so but I think I think that like if there's a lot of like fat and muscle it's okay you don't want to like on your where there's just like skin and bone I think that seems like it hurts a lot more ow yeah you would never get a tattoo is that right god no uh all right so ultimately for this lady don't lie to your mom right yeah I don't think it's worth it to lie to the mom okay uh all right we need to answer more questions let's take one more break come back

and answer more cues after these messages this show is sponsored by better help thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist especially one in your area but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient flexible and suitable to your schedule you just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge it's incredibly helpful therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years uh so give therapy a try it can give you the tools to

find a more balanced life I've tried therapy it's been very helpful um so you can find that balance better with better help all you got to do is go to betterhelp.com slash if I were you you do that today you can get 10 off your first month so the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room this is done entirely online but you're still getting professional licensed help uh and it's extra affordable that's better help h-e-l-p.com slash if I were you check them out thanks better help thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show wow for years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies

like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website so if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online you can do an online store they have 24 7 live customer support email campaigns data you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace for example I didn't even look this up but there's no way you can't buy a mere blumenfeld is a good dude.com I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season a summer birthday coming up who doesn't want a website uh so the

best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial everything looks good let's launch it uh just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase thank you Squarespace and we're back okay can I interest you in another question actually I we got a funny email before we even answer a question that's sort of segues into the question all right sure let's fire away yeah this one is about well let's just read it it's from a lady in Boston who says in April of 2016 you guys had a live show in Boston that's me and you do you

remember that one April 2016 oh yes oh I think so yeah I sort of remember we took a train yeah it was rainy yeah if I remember correctly the Amtrak I do remember I absolutely remember she said me and my friend were in college and had been huge fans of yours since middle school and we were so excited for the show we thought it was going to be a good idea to get hammered before uh and we do not remember anything about the show besides the fact that we were shouting obscenities at you guys at one point and then I tried to go to the bathroom but I accidentally opened the huge emergency exit balcony doors you guys never released the podcast and we have been wondering to this day if we ruin the show or there were other people that were just as drunk or obnoxious as us so we just wanted to say

we're sorry if we ruin the show and also we really would like you to release the podcast so you know what we missed out on so we know what we missed out on sincerely your worst fans Gabby and Jen we don't have to preserve their enemy they're owning up to it right um I'm trying to remember I don't know if I do remember I don't that happening not specifically I mean there has been times where we're at a live show and there's like people who are a little more boisterous than others yeah I've like I know that there has been times where I've been annoyed at people in the crowd who are like extra drunk and being loud yeah but I think I've been more annoyed at people in the crowd who weren't laughing so so actually if you came to a show and didn't have a good time

I'm more mad at you you're talking about people even in the background like somebody's boyfriend came or like you're talking about front row arms folded I paid for a ticket I don't like this oh yeah the front I feel like there's just been times where we like have like a muted show and I'm pissed and like I can see like a couple people not laughing you know yeah or like or if I or if we got a good laugh and I'd like look at the audience to like see to see this teeth you know to see some smiles and I just see somebody's stone face and I'm like oh god and then I get I get shook a little bit you know they throw me off my game yeah but yeah no I don't I don't I mean I definitely it seems like I would remember a door alarm going off in in a balcony no yeah I don't remember that level

and I wouldn't say we didn't release that show specifically because of the the drunken nature of it oh yeah I can a hundred percent promise that it was not because of you specifically like most I feel like every single time we do a live show we tell them many times in advance that we need the audio that it's a podcast that we record the audio that we release it and then half the time they're just like oh yeah no we it didn't work or they send it to us and it's like completely corrupted yeah so it's it's a it's a perfect storm of good audio plus good show plus good audience to make us release a live show yeah and I mean we could release and we I feel like we've released shows where because like you to get the really good crowd reaction you also have to have

like mic'd the audience so that's really hard there's like times where we like you know you record an audio audio and all you hear is like us screaming into the microphone and like my memory of that show is like us you know having a boisterous time with everybody like laughing yelling we're yelling but then like when you listen to the mix it just sounds like we're screaming to empty surly room and it's like uh when you're doing karaoke and you're drunk it sounds like you're having the time of your life but then like when you review the footage the next day it sounds like you're watching the video overblown sloppy terrible singing nobody should see that like it's it's so much better when you're there than a recording of it after the fact yeah and I

do I think that's like the best version of a live show is the ones that never see the light of the day you know like that's that's just a moment for us in the audience it'll never be released it'll never be recreated it's just us just now also I'm realizing that sometimes when we do like five shows in a row we repeat questions so sometimes it's not even on on the venue or the audience and it's on us that's right like if we have if we have like a really good question we try to do it for like a couple different shows we answer it differently every single time but that'll that'll happen so I could imagine that like Boston being the end of that run which I think was Atlanta DC New York Atlanta DC Philly New York Boston by that by Boston we might have like been repeating

enough questions that we weren't going to release that as well as like the New York show or something when is live comedy coming back and like when would we come back are we like in the first wave of like first live shows like hey everybody come in 500 people jam packed into this bar are we like let's see how it goes for this stand-up comedian first I feel like we'd be in the early stage because we do venues that are in that like small sweet spot like 200 to 500 people that seems like the first shows that are coming back yeah as long as the um as long as the scientists are cool with it yeah then I would I would do that I mean we did get sick every live tour whether it be from traveling or shaking thousands of strangers hands and now that we realize we're super like locked into how

diseases get transferred it makes sense that we always literally a hundred percent sick always right yeah because we would do yeah we do meet like hundreds of people hugging everyone taking photos with everybody yeah coughing and breathing into each other's mouths thousands of people yeah yeah just like bringing me shots of my ski during the winter so everybody was trying to get a sick and it worked so there's no fear of like because if you're vaccinated because I was on the road like yeah yeah I still have good memories I want to go back I would absolutely go back and like as long as we're waxed up and the the the success rate of not dying from COVID after getting a vaccine is a hundred we can we're fine getting the flu we're fine getting it you think yeah absolutely and I

guess I yeah I would be I wouldn't want to be the first show back I don't want there to be a JNA outbreak you know that's oh yeah like oh shit we didn't really like factor in the fact that there be 500 people in a bar on June 1st that changes everything so we do that late September show I see that or that Labor Day or that Memorial Day which one's the end of the summer labor that's labor yeah yeah that Labor Day weekend shit yeah back to school style so you go shopping for notebooks and pens and then you hit up the fucking the little if I were you live what's the first city that we go back to who the goat the goat root you mean yeah yeah because we did we start we usually did three to five dates in a row and it's like it starts east and it goes west or starts south and

it goes north you do a swing yeah you do like San Francisco the Portland Seattle yeah northeast yeah northwest right or we do the Chicago yeah yeah Chicago Milwaukee and Winnipeg that's right or we'll do like Israel Bahrain and Kuwait like oh my god international I guess I mean I would god damn how good would it be to do a show in Tel Aviv I don't even care if fucking no one comes I don't care if the airport's closed and we have to quarantine for three weeks beforehand it's worth it wanna smoke a hookah a hookah and yahoo it's worth it for the 21 days in a government sanctioned motel without any daylight just to get that fucking humus from old city god damn that yeah I mean international shows are it seems like that's a ways away some countries

are still closed some countries are still going strong getting their fourth surge we have to focus not even on Canada it seems like that's a scary like a dangerous way but I mean that's fine because we haven't done a show in America in over a year yeah no we don't need to be adventurous just yet we can do I mean our best shows are what Atlanta Chicago New York LA San Francisco Portland Seattle big shows big cities yeah Austin god damn Austin wow all right we're we'll pick and choose okay here's a quick question about alcohol since we're talking about live shows anyway right yeah I've been casually seeing this guy from Tinder for about two months now writes this lady and we've been doing outdoor activities recently we decided to have a dinner

date at my place while my roommate was away at her parents house for the weekend it was going really well until suddenly he gifted me a bottle of moonshine which he supposedly makes himself I was disgusted beyond belief considering I rarely drink and I made it clear that it is illegal and very dangerous he got offended and that I didn't want to try the moonshine and went on about how much work it takes to produce and how it's a craft he's very proud of he's never mentioned this passion of his until now and I'm confused as to why he thought I would drink this when he's only ever seen me drink wine am I shitty for not wanting this homemade poison or should I just end things with this guy uh lots of love thanks who fake name um female alcohol bartender

um Joe Joe this is my old favorite bartender from New York uh yeah so have you ever done tried had moonshine yeah I've definitely had moonshine I think there's like I think there's different yeah that's what I was thinking like I feel like I've had like league I've like bought moonshine like legal moonshine yeah maybe it's different to have it than it is to make it yeah like did he make toilet wine or did he just like put gin and vodka in a bottle and let it ferment with a fig inside so like did he make it in a gross scary legal way or did he just make jungle juice I think I mean it's fine to not want to try it but I think there's a difference between like making moonshine and making meth I think she's really turned off yeah this I think this is like a craft

thing like brewing your own beer or something and it sounds like that's the way he thinks of it at least yeah when he says he crafted it yeah but I mean it's 100 fine to not want it and it's 100 fine to not respect him for making it but it does at least sound like he thinks of it as a hobby and not like he's like bootlegging prohibition style snake oil salesman going town to town on a paddy wagon yeah yeah so hopefully he's not a crazy person where if you uh say thanks but no thanks he gets upset this is a good uh early indicator a red flag if you will to see how mad he gets when you say oh I'm okay thank you you know Jill actually just made something called vinde orange oh interesting which was like toothpaste wine high sea and vodka

it's like a bunch of oranges I think wine and vodka like some sort of sangria or something yeah and she like mixed it all together oh with like sugar and it like and she put it in a tub she put it in a shoe in a closet for 40 days 40 month and a half 40 days Jesus 40 days okay so she emerges with the jar and then you say and then she bought she bought bottles she bought little bottles and we had a funnel and we poured them in and then this is also Jill I've never seen her do anything like this before she must have seen like a a what she bought a corker I corked the bottles and we made four little bottles of vinde orange and I don't know if that's legal or if I should do a citizen's arrest well did you sell it or did you give it away she I didn't but she offered

it to me and I think I could I might yeah I might do a citizen's arrest for that no you don't have to arrest your wife for making your gift that's insane this is a totally different she didn't make it for me as a problem what she make it for her new boyfriend okay so you're just you're sort of taking out other demons wait did you try this drink and was it good I did try it was pretty good I think it was it's it's very bitter I couldn't I think I think that we need to take what she made and use it to make some to basically mix another cocktail I don't think it's like out of the bottle ready to drink I think it's too I think it's got a big kick and I think it's pretty bitter it's like a vermouth at this point you're supposed to sort of use it in an old fashion it

doesn't feel like an aperteef it feels like a garnish yeah and then was oh another funny thing about trying to avoid diseases on the road uh did you drink whiskey out of somebody else's shoe in Australia or was it your own shoe I did a shoeie and I drank whiskey out of my I drank whiskey out of my shoe still insanely fucking gross like that's a shoe you walk around strange cities in all day and then you better I'll call in and drink from it I believe it's it's on my it's definitely it's on my instagram you should have gotten tuberculosis from that at the very least you should have gotten some sort of venereal disease from I absolutely deserved it out of a shoe yeah I did a shoeie I did a shoeie I was pressured into doing a shoeie in Australia but you did it

too I did it too you drank yeah I believe you drank whiskey out of my shoe no what I did I didn't want to go whole hog so I took a glove somebody's driving glove and I just had some fruit punch out of it I'm like this is the farthest old go but I really don't feel comfortable with the shoe and the whiskey I really think you drank whiskey out of my shoe yeah I mean at a certain point we were we were the blackout annoying ones at our own live show when it when it was in Australia that's right I bet shoeie consumption has been really down since COVID right I bet not a lot of shoeies going if you took a line graph yeah because there have been a lot of live events yeah I remember being in Australia and like

learning about the shoeie because we had like five shows and it was like at the first show like the guys that were bringing us all around Australia told us we had our first show in like Adelaide and that was where we like learned about the shoeie right like that's insane like oh my god imagine if I do a shoeie and then we had a show in Melbourne we're like somebody else did one yeah yeah we started like talking we were like telling the audience we're like we heard of this like shoeie thing this is crazy and then like the Australians were like chanting at us to do the shoeie and then we started like talking about how like wow that would probably like be great like people would like it because they clearly wanted us to do it and then by the time we got to Sydney

after finding out about it like four days ago I think it was most disgusting thing I was like going on stage being like I'm gonna fucking do a shoeie I'm drinking whiskey out of my fucking boot by the time we left we were just like eating full meals out of our each other's shoes I remember you put chili in there you'd have like breakfast lunch and dinner you were eating oatmeal out of your shoes I had a flat white that I took through your sock I remember that we became so desensitized to it down under yeah by the end of it we're just pizza off a sandal yeah it was just par for the course at a certain point you had a calzone coming off of somebody else's cheese you had a stiletto on rye you weren't even eating food you were eating the boot on bread that's right yeah I ate a

instead of bread very good that's actually good and quite enough thank you really yes you're starting to show me up and I appreciate the audience appreciates it but tread lightly or should I say ked lightly nice nice thoughts on the awards for that or we're sticking with the awards have been given the awards for this episode have been doled out they have been received they have been earned and that's quite enough and I do get a second golden mic for the ked so they haven't been given out you're saying they're still available then there's one bonus mic which I actually really appreciate for the ked line which I'm quite pleased and cheesed and chuffed about I am quite chuffed nice I appreciate it thank you all all right if you

have your own theme songs or questions send them on down to ifirisho at gmail.com more video content every week on our patreon patreon.com slash ja that's right ja and the opening theme song was Lorne from Toronto another great live show city he did that a dirty little secret yeah dirty little secret parody but he sent us some other one that I'm gonna play at the end right here I forget it's another pop punk you'll love it you'll love it okay yeah I love it I love it already maybe feeling this my friends over you any of these ring a bell I mean yeah all of them yeah you love them all yeah yeah well don't get too attached I don't know specifically it's that one feeling this all right and we'll be back next week thanks so much for listening everybody

stay safe got caught sliding in her clothes the ends I told her baby I swear that it's nothing but she dumped me despite my protest and now I'm all alone with the box of Kleenex at this point I don't give more than two bucks should I kill myself inside of a Starbucks or milkshake out of here there'll be there when your world starts crashing there'll be there to make sure to pass upon you on our podcast email you

that was a hit gum original