If I Were You - 486: Horse's Ass (w/Jasper William Cartwright!)

Episode Date: May 3, 2021

In this episode we are joined by Actor, Writer, and new Headgum Podcaster Jasper William Cartwright join us to discuss playing D&D, forgetting birthdays, and being a horses ass.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. Is it he dreams of mikes of gold? He hasn't won it yet, never even came close He always gets the turdy Will he ever win all his dreams in vain? Is it he dreams of mikes of gold? Damn, haunting. Very beautiful, right?

Was that actually sting? Was that sting? No, it wasn't. Because it'd be cool if the sting covered his own song. I don't think so. It's a guy named Matthew Jasper. I told you this was a sting parody before it played. You're British, he's British, so like, I don't know, thoughts? When was the last time you guys hung out since you're both British?

Well, the thing is we have our annual British meetups. It got moved to Zoom though, which is where like, many... Yeah, you can't really get that. Yes, it wasn't the same, so I saw him on Zoom last time. It doesn't count, right? No, no, it doesn't count. So it would have been like 2019 last time I saw and hung out with Steve. Pretty recent.

Still fairly recent. But you know, I met so many people that day that, you know, it's hard to know. But we do, yes, we do know everyone, everyone. Emily Blunt came around for dinner yesterday, so. I know Sting vaguely, because everyone knows Sting, but like, I don't know much about Sting. What's the deal? He was just like a musician, and then he said his name was Sting,

and then he just performed as Sting, and everyone was like, that's alright, that's Sting now, or was he part of a band? Do you guys know anything about Sting? I know the police, right? Yeah, he was part of the police. Oh, that's right, that's right. I really admire that about musicians, because they can just pick a name. It doesn't even have to be remotely relevant, and it's fine.

As an actor or a comedian or whatever, it would be super weird to just pick a name, you know? Just a single one. Like, I'm book. Okay. That's cool. Because I always book the role. Yeah, yeah. That's cool.

Yeah, it probably makes more sense than Sting. I mean, what's Sting got to do with, you know, I guess musical Sting? Oh, that's good, yeah, musical Sting. But he's already part of a band called the police, so now it's like, within the band name, he also has a name in addition to the band name. Usually it's like... I looked it up on Wikipedia. Sting gained his nickname after his habit of wearing a black and yellow jumper

with hooped stripes with the Phoenix Jasmine. Okay, so I guess they thought he looked like a bumblebee. That's just what he was wearing that day. It's not related to Sting. So they saw him in an outfit that made him look like a wasp. And then I see. But he didn't about to go with waspy. He went with Sting.

So that was a parody of Fields of Gold. Actually, this guy's in Melbourne, Australia. Hey, shout out. And he wants to plug his podcast called Unpacked, which is a comedy travel show where the guests tell them about their weirdest and worst times overseas. That's pretty good. It sounds Australian.

It sounds very Australian. I've got some family in Australia. Yeah. They love talking about overseas. Yeah. Yeah. And they're good travelers. And they do it like, yeah, they'll like backpack through Patagonia or some shit.

So something bad's gonna happen. Yeah, it's the same as you guys though. Whenever Americans or Australians come over to the UK and we're always like, oh, you know, they're like, oh, let's go to London. And I'm like, oh, that's like an hour away. And they're like, yeah? That's like super close for us, you know?

Whereas over here, I'm like an hour. Boring. That's far away. Whereas in Australia, everything is a minimum of an hour away. Like your next door neighbor is an hour away in Australia. Like it's so spaced out. Where are you right now? You're in the UK, but not in London.

No. I am in Manchester. There's actually other cities in the UK, which is crazy. Yes. Many. Are you a Manchester United fan? Manchester City neither? Hell no.

No, I'm not. Neither. Neither, neither, neither, neither. I moved here a few years ago. Who's your footy club? My footy club is. If you don't mind me asking, actually. The Gunners.

I'm an Arsenal fan. Whoa. The American acts are coming out. Well, I just thought it would make everyone understand better. I feel like, you know, I don't want to get confused. Yeah, you don't want this to get muddled. You want this loud and clear. I know a bunch of Americans.

I know a bunch of Americans who are Arsenal fans. Like what's the correlation between like hipsters in LA and Arsenal? Why are there Arsenal fans in my Twitter timeline? I mean, it's a very self-sustained club. So maybe if you're looking for like an eco-friendly club in the UK, maybe that's why the hipsters are going for it. That's what it is. Like.

Yeah. It's green. Super green, even though it's very red. They're carbon neutral. Yeah. Yeah. They have a low footprint for sure. But no, we were like very, very, very good.

Like early, like late 90s, early 90s. So like a lot of, I feel like a lot of people in sort of like a generational bracket from like who reckon are like sort of, I don't know, like mid-20s to like mid-40s at the moment. Like there's a lot of us in that bracket, I think. Oh, and so like why you like the Lakers, Amir, or the Bulls? Well, yeah. Why people like the Bulls, right? Yeah.

That heyday in the 90s. But then usually like the best player leaves and everyone forgets about the team. That's what's going on in basketball now. Like people just follow LeBron from team to team. There's no Cleveland Cavaliers fans left. That's good. I just thought, yeah, you have a strange structure in America though. I feel like whereas, I was actually thinking about this earlier, like how, because like

America gained independence like it was like 260 something, 66 years ago, something like that. Yeah. Yeah. 1776. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America. This is usually what you hear. What did I say?

What did I do? We always do the pledge of allegiance at the beginning of the show. All right. Okay. Well, I guess I'll sit this one out and give it my Britishness like it might get weird. No, no, no. I'll chat you. I'll chat you the text one second.

We should all say it. Yeah. And Jake, can you please leave in the under God part? I know that's been sort of taken some of the. Yeah. Some schools have removed it, but we really have to say under God. Yeah. Yeah.

It's so extreme. I love it. We used to do that in like elementary school. It wasn't even a public school. I imagine they still do. It's like a private school. Yeah. Like you stand up.

You stand up. Cover your heart. Face a flag. Yeah. And you pledge. Yeah. You say. I'll pledge.

It's the same thing with us except if you have to sing God Save the Queen. So it's exactly. Every day though? Well, in some schools, yeah, like fully you would sing God Save the Queen in the mornings and stuff. Wow. Yeah. Like we had, you know, RIP Prince Philip recently passed away.

Please all bow your heads. He was a real. Take off your hat, Jay. Take off your hats. Yeah, please. But that was like days of morning and it was like two minutes silences for like at sports games and stuff like that. Yeah.

It was it's a big, big old deal. Yeah. I never even thought of it as like what it was, which was like literally pledging your allegiance to the flag. Like for me, it was just like, let's stand up and yell, yell this poem now and I'm six and I don't know what any of these words mean. But now that I think about it, it's like pretty fucked up that they made us. Yeah.

I always find it super weird. I'm like, why are we praying to God to save the Queen? Like is she in immediate danger? Like what's she always in immediate danger? Like she's a pretty healthy like woman. Like it's what's the problem here? Why is it? It's cause of the song.

It's cause of the song. She gets power from the song. Yeah. She'll never die. Keep going. Keep singing. Sing louder. She just starts aging in reverse as you guys yell more.

It was actually her in the crown. She's just a place herself. Benjamin Bundy style. Yeah. The point I was trying to make about the football teams was that like the, I think Arsenal, if I'm not wrong, it's something like 135 years old. So like some of these clubs are like, some of them are like 200 years old. Do you know what I mean?

So it's like, it's wild to think how long they've been around. So it's like a really like a generational thing. And this is the reason why I razz Jake so hard for sporting Tottenham, because like... Come on, you spurs. Yeah, but that's the thing. Glory, glory Tottenham, hi spur. Please stop. It's making me wanna vomit.

But we, but like this is the thing is like, both of our clubs right now are in a very firm level of mediocrity. Like it's painful to watch them at times. So a little further lower than the mediocrity, but I get, I take the, I take the point. Yeah. Sure. It makes sense. Sure.

We don't care about cup finalists. Yeah. We're in the Europa League semi-final tonight. So why don't you just go ahead and you got beaten by some, some by man city, by man city. I think that's an honour. Oh, in the Carabao Cup. Yeah. But in the Europa League, it was a, it was a, ah, man, do you know, we were, we had

our eye on the prize of the trophy that we felt like we could win too many, too many cups, too many leagues. Like what is going on? I would agree. Nine things at the same time. This is, this is a correction focus on the fucking NBA or the NFL now it's like, actually they're playing in 12 other side tournaments during the year. There is a few.

There is a few. This is a big thing though. I wanted to say like on air, if I may, Jake, one small correction, you always say hardware hardware when talking about a trophy and I feel like it's something that you just do my accent. That's an American thing for sure. Yeah. Every time Jake says it, I've tried to, I've, I've, I've internalised it every time, but

it hurts me. Like it's silverware. What are you talking about? It's hardware. Silverware. I literally, the other day I got so annoyed, I was listening to the show and I wrote down in capital letters on a piece of paper, silverware. Wow.

And on the other side of that, it's a picture of my face with a bunch of dart marks in it. Oh, sorry. You weren't supposed to see that side. You weren't supposed to see that side. I'm so sorry. It's, but silver is second place. I don't want silverware, second place. We have fancy trophies that have been around for a long time and are actually made out

of real silver, like, which is a very, like precious metal. And see, in the U.S., first place is gold, second place is silver. But it's a bit, but gold actually is an inferior metal. Like it's soft, it like decays super easy. Silver's a very sturdy piece of, of metal. We should switch it for the Olympics. It should be switched. Where does bronze range in terms of like, where do you rank that bronze?

Yeah. Bronze is earlier metal. Yeah. I mean, yeah. I think, I think bronze is probably the sturdiest of all of them, right? It's not about sturdiness. It's about rarity, isn't it? It's, it's about the, the rare metal gold.

Yeah. True, true. Actually, I do take your point. Arsenal are the only team to have a golden Premier League trophy because we won a whole season on beat and so actually now I think about it. Yeah, let's go for gold. Wow. Really? Go for gold.

Yeah. It brings an awful circle to the golden mic that I was teased about in the opening theme song. I did, I did shout that guy out. What I didn't do was introduce you, Jasper, and I don't think, I don't think I ever said who you are, where you're from, what you're doing here. I just got invited to a Zoom. I have no idea what I am doing, who you are.

Thanks for having me, I guess. This is one of those British meetups that you thought you were having with Sting, but it's actually with two American blokes from the other side of the pond talking about hardware. Oh man, I get that so often, the other side of the pond, that's like the most frequent things. Oh, you're from over the pond of like, what do you mean? It's not a pond, it's like frigging huge ocean. That's like me saying over the pond to France, it's still like quite a lot of sea in between

us. We like to say it, yeah, but British people don't actually say it. We don't say it the other way. You don't meet somebody from like Japan and say, oh, you're from across the pond, because yeah, that's a different pond. Yeah, it's a different pond. It is a bigger pond. That is great.

So Jasper is one of the co-hosts of Headgum's newest D&D podcast, Three Black Halflings. Hey. Jake, I don't know if you feel threatened by another Dungeons & Dragons podcast on Headgum slash on this podcast right now, but hopefully you guys can get along. Yeah, no, I didn't feel that threatened until I saw their traffic start to go up and now I'm pretty nervous. So. You should be.

You should be, really. Cool. We're probably going to be bigger than that, but give it like a month, maybe. We have. This is what I'm talking about, dude. They're coming for our jobs. We have to secure our borders, otherwise like all these. The British bloats.

British podcasters, yeah. It's the British invasion. It's actually the British invasion. How do you secure a border against radio waves? Like I, because. Yeah. It's all on the back end. We have to talk to our host and company and ban IPs from certain parts of the globe.

I've already been sort of working on it behind the scenes, but we don't have all. And that's a little bit easier than like making our podcast better. It's easier to destroy other people. Yeah. Yeah. Then to improve our own shit. Yeah. That's sort of how I deal with everything in my life.

I'll just sort of ridicule others instead of work on myself and my anger that I don't like me towards others so that I feel better about me and stuff like that. So that's what I'll be doing. I'll be destroying others while building myself up. That is a. That is a super two white guy reaction. I love it. Yeah.

Break it. Let's just break it. Get it. Yeah. Independence Day style. Yeah. Why not? All right.

We got some questions from people. I should say this is if I were you, the only advice show on the web hosted by me and Jake. I'm Amir. I am Jake. And I searched some for some questions in the D&D universe since you know, usually we just have Jake on and he's sort of new to the whole thing. He doesn't quite get it. I don't know what your D&D background is.

Jasper. Are you sort of? Jasper is a DM like he knows. Yeah. I DM. I DM. I would say that it's like I am I am nowhere near like a Jeremy Crawford like the guy who made it.

But like I'm you know, I'm I'm a good level. You know, I'm like in and around like Muff, you know, from NADPON. Oh, that's pretty good. NADPON. Like how long have you been playing? I've been playing for like three years now, three, four years, like properly kind of like I feel like I played as a kid. I played like as a very young kid like my friend's dad DM'd for us and I was like, this

is kind of horrible. Like I don't enjoy this. Like I was I was playing this like who's a super railroadie DM, you know, yeah, like it's it's not. I was like, this is like I want to this bugbear sounds fun, like I want to make friends with him. Why do I have to kill it? Like I have like two spell slots and then after that I just died and I was like, oh,

this sucks. Like I don't feel this cool, like a cool mage or whatever. I feel like a loser. Was this also in Manchester? This was no, this was down where I come from. Like I come from like like further south in the UK. So like in between London and Brighton, I feel like that's probably the best description for any American listeners.

If there's any UK listeners who know the geography, I'm from Horsham. So and you're you're you're a side Brighton and Hope Albion fan. Is that right? Yes. Yes. Yes. So because that's why they I lived in Brighton for a little while and they're also very they're very good, very good club.

So that's something we can agree on. I like Brighton. Yeah. Yeah. Brighton's good. Brighton is very good. Much better than Spurs. Sorry.

The question was. Oh yes. We have to get this guy. No, no, no, no, no, you know, you know, you know, just just just like just jabbed in the face real fast and we're moving on. All you're saying is that you know about a city. So like I think we're done with that part of the conversation. Well Jasper said that my favorite team was bad, but because they all okay anyway, we

need a dude's name this this D&D fan. What can we call this guy? It should be something British, shouldn't it? That's right. Eric Gaine. Absolutely not. How about Rupert? We can call him Rupert Dragon because it's a D&D question.

That's good. Right. I have a fairly nerdy question that I think you guys can help out with. I know Jake's been playing D&D and even got a mirror to come on the ad pod once. I've been playing for a few years myself now, but here's the conundrum. I played D&D every other Tuesday, every Wednesday, every Thursday, Saturdays from 3pm until 1am. And now I even have a game on Friday night.

Do you think this is too much? Sounds like a footballer. I felt recently that I haven't been as excited for each game as I was originally and I think I should stop playing so often. Please give me advice. I'm a 27 year old male and recently married. Thank you guys. Love you both.

Sincerely Rupert Dragon. All right, RD. Rupert Dragon. You need to check in with your partner, I think, first of all, because I think they'll be able to give you a pretty clear indication of whether you play too much. I feel like it's a good place to stop. That's our decision to make. Yeah, we'll be able to tell them quite point blank.

The spouse will be too polite, too nice, too honest. At this point, she really might say that's enough. That's enough now. How often do you guys play? I mean, I think I do understand where Rupert is coming from because it's very easy to just be like, oh, yeah, especially when you first start, it's like, oh, yeah, you're playing and you're playing and you're DMing and you want to DM now because one thing that tends to happen quite a lot is if you start DMing and you bring new people in, they then eventually

after a few months want to be like, oh, I want to now DM, so it gets into a thing. I sympathize with Rupert's position here as well because it gets a bit hard to say, no, I don't want to play in your game, but keep coming and playing in my game. Like, you know what I mean? So it does build very easily. And I understand the sensation because like now I have like a whole podcast around Dungeons and Dragons and kind of and so we play on that and as a part of that, I have like two other games.

So I think I play three times a week. And how does that feel? Do you feel like you have an insatiable appetite where like I could easily play seven times a week or are you like, no, three is fine and plenty? I think if I wasn't on Zoom, I would. I feel like Zoom is definitely killed a little bit of that just because like lag, you know, just really takes away from the experience of playing and kind of it's about like getting together with your friends and having some beers and do you know what I mean?

And then like, you know, or whatever. And and then like all, you know, a bunch of dudes around the table crying because like their favorite MPC died. It doesn't feel the same on Zoom. Right. But yeah, there's definitely a little bit of there's definitely a little bit of the other like, OK, I've got a I think I DM more than I play as well. Playing is the easier because you just kind of turn up and you're like, hey, yeah, let's do it.

But I mean, if this guy I think this guy is insinuating, you probably are assuming he DMs some of these games. It can be a little like, OK, right, I've got a plan. They're going to this city now. DMing, DMing, even two games sounds insane to me. That's so much to keep track of. Yeah, I DM three. That's fucking crazy.

Yeah, sounds so hard. It's it's like it's like you do you fully get confused. And you're like, oh, you were in this city and they're like, no, no, no, we're over here. And I'm like, oh, I mean, I knew that is just start doing like the voice of an NPC that's in another campaign. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like stuff like that happens all the time, all the time. And they don't know about each other either. It's a secret life that you're leading.

Yeah, it's talking about. We're not there. Oh, no, I swear. And you're hiding like lipstick on your shirt or something. Yeah, yeah. Or like how we feel this is doubtfire situation. Hello, oh, hello there. That's how you sound like. Why are you in full drag?

You're running back and forth because both wanted to play on Friday night. You're also nannying. Yeah. That that's that scene is my favorite Mrs. Doubtfire quote ever, which is when he looks over because the guy is choking and just goes, I've killed the bastard. It's so funny. It is so funny.

Like was it Mrs. Doubtfire British, if you think about it? Yeah. Mrs. Doubtfire as a character is British. Yeah, very good British accent. How did you go to school with her? Or like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew Mrs. Doubtfire, so we go way back.

She had you babysit with me when I was a kid. That's awesome. Imagine going to school with Mrs. Doubtfire. Like, how old am I? Yeah, I'm trying to think about like what I could do this much. Like when you say Saturday from 3 p.m. to 1 a.m., that seems crazy to me. But then it's like, I guess I can watch football that many hours a day on

Saturdays, but then I also don't watch it on like Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. So. And that's all if they're like good games. Do you know what I mean? Like even with football, like watching, are you kind of like if it's like a bad game or it's just like, yeah, you got to check out a little bit. That's crazy. Yeah, I feel like especially if you're getting to a point where you're no

longer kind of getting hyped for the game, like to play with your friends and stuff, then like maybe is a is a time to we did something recently, which I would it was a fun thing. Like not all of our players could make it for a session. So we just like hung out on the zoom and we were like, oh, yeah, we're all just like friends. We're not like a dwarf named Azarelegov and and you know, a minor talk called Mr. Mash.

It's stupid. That's nice. That's, you know, Mr. Mash is a good name. Mr. Mash. Yeah, I thought you might like that, Jake. What about getting rid of one of these days and seeing how it does for you? I mean, if you're truly concerned, knock off this Thursday one or actually

it's the Wednesday one, then you got the every other Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. That's three days a week. That's space. There's space in between now. Yeah, it's the Wednesday one. That seems pretty unnecessary. So call up those Wednesday friends and just say, no more.

I'm out. Bye bye. Yeah. Just leave it. Um, yeah, yeah. And you don't want it to become like you said, feel like a chore. Like, you know, the less you play it, the more of a reward it feels like when you do and you'll appreciate it more, I think.

Yeah, I think you'd appreciate it more, for sure. Um, it's also a lot of hours. Like that's a lot of hours per week. That's like a job. Yeah, the other sessions are probably going to be like three hours. He's, he's also spending time on planet. Like there's, that's a lot of D and D tenant. It's a lot of D and D.

And what about, what about sessions? Like how long are your sessions lasting? Can you go, he's talking about Saturdays from three to one. That's a 10 hour. 10 hours. That's a, that's a 10 hour. That seems a little long. I don't know what do you guys think?

Is that normal? Um, yeah, I like once a week. That's fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For once a week, whoever DMs that session, if Rupert Dragon is damning that session, that's sweet. Jeez. That's like, that's a lot of work.

That's a lot of work. I mean, like, like, I think the, the idea of like a marathon session, like a 12 hour session sounds fun, but not, not recurring. I could like, I like the idea of like going to a cabin or something with people and just like getting drunk, playing D&D all weekend. That seems great. I could binge it, but I couldn't binge it continually. Yeah.

That's what it's about though. That's what it like used to be. Cause like used to be like, you know, like kids, you, you get like one Sunday, like a month and you'd all get around, like go around someone's house and like find like a basement or something and just play for like 12 hours or something. That's like, that's what you would do. But I feel like as a, yeah, that's, that's a lot, man.

That's a lot. Give yourself a break. On those Wednesdays. Speaking of break, let's take a break and we'll come back and answer some more cues with Jasper. Hey, transition. Thank you to stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one

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That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect.

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Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like a she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool.

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Admit to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

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Jasper, do you have any? Oh, it's a little bit of a device. Oh, I'm coming. Gross. Makes me laugh. Yeah, I do. I do. So I've got this.

I've got this like theory. I'm not like a spiritual person by any means. I don't kind of go in for a lot of that. But I do have this thing of like putting stuff out into the universe. But I think the reason I believe in this is because I think it does something to you mentally, which I think is useful. So like, I don't think that the universe gives anything back. If you're like, hey, you're a good person and you want something.

I don't I don't really think that there's like a rhyme or reason to it. But I've had a lot of instances in my life where like, I've said something and then like years later, I've like got the exact thing that I was after, which sounds like crazy. But it was like a lot of hard work and you know what I mean to get there. So my thing is like, I think what it does is like, I'll use an example. I did a I did a show called War Horse, which is one of my favorite shows when I was like first started going to theater and stuff.

And when I left drama school, I was like, I want to be in War Horse. It's like the one show I really want to be in when I was in drama school and forgot about it a couple of years later. I auditioned for it and I got it. And the the what I think it does is like when you get in the room and because you've had it in your head for like years, I think it gives you like the extra 10 percent, you know, gives you a little extra edge to just push through a kind of barrier or whatever

and then go that little bit further. So yeah, interesting. Yeah, I don't I think it doesn't humanely as opposed to like manifesting anything in like destiny to I think. Yeah, I'm a big fan of like visualization because I think that like it doesn't actually like it's not it doesn't create like a it's not like a wish. And then the universe gives it to you. But I think that like it plants it firmly in your subconscious.

And even when you're actively thinking about these things, it's like a part of your being. So you're like still working towards it, right? Like all the time kind of like subconsciously, you're kind of working. And then and then just like you said, like when the opportunity actually presents itself, there's like that recall. There's like there's a spark that's already there. You don't have to find it from nothing.

Yes. Yes. For me, it's the opposite. Like if I put it in the universe that I really wanted War Horse and I finally got to audition and be like, shit, I wanted this this whole my whole life. And I'm kind of freaking out. All right, I'm ready to read. Hit it. And there's like no key in this.

It's like, sorry, we like need you to prepare a monologue. You're like, I'm a little war horse. No one likes me now. How do you know that number? That was like that's really that one that is a single tier rolling down the casting director's eye. It was beautiful. The director just starts throwing up in the corner.

He has poisoning. Yeah, ignore him. He's really enjoying it. I remember War Horse was it was like famous for a spell. Is that? Yeah, that was it. It was like a giant actual horse on stage. It came to the states at one point. Yes, it was a big deal.

Yeah, because it had like the big animatronic horse over here. Well, yeah, it's it's not animatronic. It's like three dudes inside the horse and they make the noises and stuff. And that's crazy. Is that what it is? People ride around on it. It's did you ride around to raid for the horse's ass? That's possible.

Yeah, the hind, the hind. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you got to be shorter to be the hind, though. I can. Yeah, I can sort of crouch if you want me to be the ass of the horse for War Horse. Yeah. And did he have to do anything? Or did he just have to just sort of walk around? Of course he had to do so. It's pretty hard.

Like, yeah, because I like I like sit on the cage. So like I ride like, you know, the people ride. Oh, you're riding on. Yeah, yeah. So it's like basically the horse itself weighs something like ten stone or eleven stone, I think it is like the frame of the horse. And then someone gets on top. So that's like another we had to be like we had to be under twelve stone the whole time.

Like a stone is it's around 60 to 100 pounds. Oh, yes. Sorry. Yes, it's not like a specific unit of measurement. It's just like, yeah, roughly 60. It's like does a stone way. It's like 14 pounds a stone. OK, you're way up. All right, cool.

Sixty. I mean, Jesus Christ. I think he's also said to a hundred. Many orders of magnet. Totally wrong. There's somewhere in there. I just want everyone to know that I was. I just want everyone to know that I wasn't trying. OK, I was. It feels like this easily get away.

I felt like I judged you more for not trying. Like it would have been nice for you to at least try. OK, actually. Yeah, I feel like everyone should know that I tried really hard. These guys are making fun of me for being a little stupid. Thank you for trying, Jake. I appreciate you audition to be the ass of the horse. Like, is that guy an actor? He's more of like a dancer.

By the way, Jasper. Jasper pitched like fucking believing in yourself and visualizing and dreaming big and going for your goals and your follow up. Your follow up is how do you be the ass of the horse? Well, we're told a beautiful story about how he fucking achieved his dreams. He said the tail. No, no, no, no, this is my dream.

This is my dream. Right now being asked about the ass of the horse by a man. That's what I want. When you put that role, did you imagine that someday you'd be doing an interview and someone would ask you about becoming the ass of the horse? Well, I was just a dancer at that point. Or like, does can that guy sing and dance too?

If he's just the ass of the horse, or is it like a different skill? The ass of the horse can actually sing and dance better than anybody on stage. And no one tells you the the hind the hind of the horse or the ass of the horse is one of the one of the toughest roles. Like it's it was like because you'd get like dragged around stage, like fully dragged around stage like because you're like strapped into this thing. It's like you're wearing like a metal back strength. The course is a workout.

It's my my friend, my friend Lucas, he played. He was in it with me. We actually trained together at drama school as well. And then like our first big gig outside drama school. We were like, hey, you're the ass of the horse. And I'm going to sit on you. Cool. What about you? What do you get? I got the lead. How about yourself?

I'm the the the what's it called? The ass of the the horse's ass for it. It's so cool to do tea or some shit. I want to pick your brain about how you get to be on top of the horse and not the anus of the war horse. I am actually drafting an email right now to the casting director just for attention for casting director submission for Amir Blumenfeld to play the ass of the horse.

Is there acting to be done in the horse? Well, you got you got to make it like a lot of sounds. Like there's a lot of vocalizations that you have to do. At one point, the horse farts, right? I think I'm remembering that correctly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the horse has to sort of do that. Yeah, yeah, the horse definitely has to test to the the those. But the vocalizations are pretty pretty impressive, actually,

because you do it like all in an inbreath and stuff. It's it's pretty cool. It's pretty cool. Wow. And three people working together. Yeah, well, because actually fun fact. So there's a guy on the outside who holds the head and then you've got someone in the middle and someone in the back. And then sorry, someone in the ass. Yeah, but the the horse has a lung capacity of three people.

So it always started that the head would start the kind of the the knee or the winnie, whatever it was, and then it would work its way down. But it would be like a similar kind of resonant sound to a horse. Because it's it's about three people worth of worth of noise, which is kind of cool. And now here we are just fucking Jake being so rude about, like, is it? Does it fart? Like, I don't know why you weren't like, I'm crying.

I'm like, it is. All right, we got we got some question not necessarily related to Dungeons and Dragons, but rather about birthdays, something we all got, right? Jasper, when's your birthday? Just so I know I do have a birthday. It's in January. It's on January 11th.

So wow, dangerously close to mine. Is it dangerously close? Yeah, I was I'm a 118, baby. 118. Oh, yes. Sorry, you do your birthday, your days the other way around. It's super confusing. Oh, yeah. Why would you put month first? It makes no sense.

I'm sorry, but it doesn't because like when you say like I was like when I say like April 5th, I have to say four or five. It just makes more sense that way because I'm saying April 5th. So it's like fourth month, fifth day. What you guys do is actually so ass backwards, I'm starting to keep bringing it back to the ass. Leave my ass out of this, please. All right, here we go.

I've become so conscious of saying the word ass now, because obviously I say ass and you're like ass. I feel so weird saying it now. Like I've heard it. Are you saying arse or is that a different word entirely? Yeah, arse. No, arse. But are you are you saying the arse or is that a different word? Oh, I guess that is technically is spelled differently.

Yeah, it'd be a, a, s, e, as opposed to a, s, s, which is ass. Yeah. Wow. We're so different, you and I. You're just so different, but yet the same. God, it's so cool that we can still get along. So is an arsenal like arse anal? That's pretty good, Jay. That's a really good dig.

OK, there is, there is no. Your team is arse mate. You have got them. Your crest is a chicken standing on a. No, no, no. We have a cannon. OK. They got I do. I love Tottenham, but their, their logo is so abysmally bad.

It's a chicken standing on a volleyball. I don't know why. It really is. It really is. And I looked at it since like it's fucking in set. Like it's never ever been good because I like they've their redesign is very bad, but it's also been bad from the make a dragon or something. Do you know what I mean? Like do something with it.

Yeah, like or a spur that spurs are cool. Yeah, what does it have to do with the chicken? Yeah, that's true. To American. OK. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America. God save our great. Stop knocking off, you guys. Stop pledging allegiance to your various countries.

OK, we need a lady's name for this question. Again, not necessarily British, but you can go British with it. Any context of the from the message? She's from Seattle. She was born on Election Day. Election, Electra. Oh, that's really good. Carmen Electra.

Carmen Electra. Yes, very specifically. I'm a 24 year old from Seattle writes Carmen Electra. My birthday was on Election Day. And my best friend didn't wish me a happy birthday. She's not really on social media, so she doesn't have that as a reminder. And I know we all collectively got distracted with the election. Am I petty or self-centered for being a little upset?

Should I say something or go against my Scorpio nature and just let it go? Have any of you guys had your supposed best friend forgotten your birthday? And if so, how did you react? Is this a sign that we're not really good friends after all? Wow, have you guys ever forgotten each other's birthdays? I feel like that's the question I ask. No, we're usually together enough to, like, you know, that it's that day. We definitely we like make a big deal out of each other's birthdays.

Like, it's like a fucking full week blowout. Like, I'll throw Jake like a sweet 16 style. Week long, kinsignera meets bar mitzvah almost every every birthday. At my 34th, I think Lil Wayne performed and you got me a Ferrari. I got you the deluxe package. Yeah, I went I went completely ham. And I am so glad I told you where my birthday was. This is the 37th.

We did a cruise around the Virgin Islands, Jasper, you know, with Terry Crews. Yeah, Terry Crews, he was strapped to the front of the boat, like one of his figureheads, just a big buff figurehead of the boat. We did. We took Titanic style photos with Terry. Terry was the mermaid at the front of the boat. You and I, we all had crew cut, too. So it's crew crews, crews and crews. Even the crew had a crew cut, which is fun to see.

But are you guys good with birthdays? Do you I remember when Facebook was more prevalent, it would remind everybody like Jasper, do you remember your friend's birthdays or you need you need the social media reminder? Yeah, I feel like that is a tricky one, because I think that people we become reliant on the social media reminder. Like, I don't think it's something that I've consciously not paid attention to. But like, now I'm like, I know that something will remind me of your birthday.

So it's like something I can like, I can make space in my brain, you know, the folder labeled birthdays, I can just chuck out because I've got a thing that will tell me now. Exactly. I can remind, remember other things now. Yeah. So I guess that's tricky. Yeah, because you'd you'd if you're reliant on the the notification, all the notifications that day would have just been like, you know, let's not let's let's do this.

Let's not do another four years or what do you know what I mean? Like, it wouldn't have been like I feel like birthday notification that day was going to the bottom of the list. However, if it's best friend, surely. I mean, you do something or, you know, you'd get my present or yeah, best friend is like that's a that's almost like one of the biggest days of the year for that best friendship. It's like your birthday, my birthday.

We remember that because no one else is doing the birthday. Do you know what I mean? Like best friends are in charge of organizing the birthday. Yeah, that's that's honestly the biggest, most important role of the best friend. Otherwise, you're almost not the best friend. You're just a friend. So maybe your best friend didn't wish you a happy birthday because then not your best friend.

I mean, maybe someone else. Although the election, the election this year was a pretty big deal. It was a very big deal like four years leading up to this one day where we hoped to reverse course and save America. So it does stand to reason, maybe a day late of a birthday celebration. But to completely forget, that's a tough pill to swallow. And even I was watching the election over here over the fact. Yeah, but at this point, it's been it's nine.

It's sorry, it's how many months has it been? That was in November, November 9th, November 7th. Yeah, something like that. So six months, something like that. It feels like I don't blame this person for being upset and wanting to say something. But I feel like it's it's lingered too long at this point. Like you had your the window, I feel like is closed, right?

It doesn't open again until your next birthday. And then if they say something, it's like, oh, great. Glad you wished me a happy birthday this year. You know, then you could say something really passive aggressive. Yeah, because last year was biting this and trump that why we didn't celebrate at all. Yeah, I feel like it's yeah, I agree with Jake. I think it's gone. It's too it's a bit too past the date now.

I think it would be a it's you could maybe I don't know if you have any French in your family, you could go for like a Demi birthday. You could bring that up. You know, oh, today is my Demi birthday. Like my Demi Fett, I think it's something they call it in France. Demi Fett is something I'm going to get out there or just by French people now. Like that's not what yeah, it's your half birthday. So it's like, but I think in France, they actually celebrate it.

They actually do presents and it's not like as big as your actual birthday, but they do like, wow, give gifts and stuff. So maybe you could say, hey, it's my Demi birthday today. Like, do you remember what was six months ago today? And they'll be like the election and then you can just okay, fine. You're clearly never going to be able to get past it. Yeah, if it's yeah, if it's a big deal, if it's been on your mind for six months, then I feel like you've got to say something.

But maybe you think about your half birthday. It's July 11th that day happens. Are you like, oh, today is my half birthday or you've never thought about that? I don't think I have just I'm quite happy with where my birthday is. Like I always quite liked it because I feel like you usually get a lot of stuff. And I'm like, you're just unlabored with any fuss being made during the summer. You can just enjoy your summer. I don't like the idea of having a summer birthday.

I feel like it would be I didn't get lost in the shuffle. Yeah, see, I'm the opposite. I hate birthdays. I'm like, I'd rather just someone just as less as ignore my birthday completely. Like leave a present on my doorstep if you want. I see. So you don't like the texts all day saying happy birthday, it's fine. But I haven't spoken to you in four years.

Like thanks for the well wishes, but, you know, leave me alone again. Please, thank you. And like, don't even get me started on cards. I hate cards. I feel actively offended by cards. So you get a card for your birthday. That's a that's a black sign of death. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, horses asked to you.

Yes, yeah, I send them a horse's ass in response to Godfather style. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, waking up with a horse's head in their bed. This is the horse's ass next to their pillow. The sphincter of the horse. All right, let's take another break. We got one last D&D question that I wanted to ask you guys. We'll come back right after these messages. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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I had the weirdest moment earlier. This was so I was down in London. I was getting some new headshots done today and I was wearing this jumper and it was exactly that weather that you mentioned. I happened to just click on an old episode and it was literally exactly that shit weather in between being like like too hot for like too cold to not have a jumper on, but too hot to like have the jumper on. And I'm not kidding.

I had it tied around my waist as Jake was like these fucking dweebs who died on their way. So I immediately, even though Jake couldn't see me, I took it off and like stuffed it in my bag. I was like, oh, right, OK, cool. It was so funny. That's what you didn't apply to you. I'm sure you called you out by name, too.

Yeah, I felt like it. It really felt like I was like, this is so oddly specific. I clicked on the random episode and this is what happened. Like it felt so weird. Yeah, that's pretty good weather for London. And then but yeah, but then you started talking about Fahrenheit, which again made me angry about measurement systems again, because Fahrenheit is even more stupid than anything else I've previously mentioned.

Farin, Farin, you don't Fahrenheit and feet is bad. They're they're both bad. Yeah, stone is also bad. I will give you stone is bad. We'll take it. Let's draft units of measurements so you can remove stones. It's not a fair and high. Yes, please, please do.

I like Fahrenheit because it's almost like on a scale of one to a hundred, how cold is it outside? Sorry, how hot is it outside? But isn't it like 30 is cold, right? Yeah, there's 60 is hot. Sixty is not that hot. Sixty is like fine. OK, 60 is fine.

You felt today. OK, OK, OK, so what's like 80? Oh, nobody knows. That's the craziest thing. It's so weird. If it's 80 or in parkas, some people are wearing t-shirts. No, it is off the entire. It's July.

Everybody's at the beach. You're you're hot. 80 is hot. OK. And so what's like ridiculous? Like one hundred and twenty. Yeah, one hundred and twenty is like you can't go outside. Yeah, it's Las Vegas. It's the desert. It's August.

It's it's burning you. It's too hot. OK, OK. And I think those are all the temperatures there are. Yeah, yeah, that's all of them. But then they meet up Celsius and Fahrenheit meet up, like minus whatever it was you were saying. I was like, how the I had to sit and Google that for like 10 minutes.

I was like, this is so dumb. They match each other at like minus 34. They become one magical unit of measurement where everybody's freezing there are soft. Yes, thank you. Thank you. I think you do this next segment, both with British accents. And hope nobody knows.

Why do you always go high pitched when you do a fridge? Oh, hello. You have to be royal children. Shatter around, gather around. Whenever we did shows in England, everyone said the same thing, which is like, wow, I didn't realize how American you guys sounded until I talked to you in real life for whatever reason. And it was like from independent people in different cities,

like this sentiment was universal, that we sound more American in person versus over the podcast. And sometimes people would be off put by it. Like, yeah, I was looking forward to meeting you, but you sound pretty American. That's that's I mean, that's fair, not that they're off put. That's rude. But like, I feel like imagine that.

Yeah, that's fair criticism to American horrible. But like, I do feel like I put on. I definitely have a podcast voice, which maybe is a less, a slightly less extreme American when when you're just like, excitable, happy yourselves, you know, like out and about maybe it's a slightly different version. Interesting. Yeah. So they're like, our hangout voice.

Yeah, yeah, because my hangout voice is definitely a bit more like slangy than it than this, you know, this is quite like. Oh, we can go slangy. Let's pretend we're like in a Guy Ritchie film for this. So it's like, all right, mate, like we got all one last. All right, governor. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck it. Fuck it. I want the apples and pears coming in.

Wait, that's pretty good. That's what you got to do. You got to do that. Yeah, you got to do that. You got to do Jason Statham. What? That's really good. That's a good place to start. The what?

My favorite part in the film, the Meg, they zoom in on his face and he just goes, what? What? It's so weird. Well, he's that's in his contract. He gets one what per film, at least. One what a film. Yeah. All right, one last question about Dungeons and Dragons. Yes, why not?

One last fake name to give this guy. We got to preserve one more person's anonymity. Jasper, what you got? One more Dungeons and Dragons question. Let's go for a seal door. Yeah, seal door. Is that like a door that's sealed or like that? Oh, no, no.

A seal door is the name of an elf in Lord of the Rings. Got it. Yes. It's actually, I believe it's a seal door's sword that was broken and reforged by Aragorn. Is right. Is that right? Oh, yeah. No, maybe a seal door isn't a human then. Oh, man, this is bad. This is a bad.

Let's let's. Yeah, I don't. I'm not actually sure. The blade that has broken has been reforged. It's really good. Yeah. Didn't it? Didn't it? All right, a seal door rights. Day one listener, first time writer,

I'm having Dungeons and Dragons issue and I know Jake has become a super fan. So my question is, I have a player in my game who won't stop making his characters already made fictional characters from various games and movies. And frankly, neither the players nor am I are happy about it. We have brought this up multiple occasions,

but every time he we do, he throws a little tantrum. We don't want to ask him to leave our group. This is getting absurd. What would you do? Regards El seal door seal door. I feel even worse now that I've called this person a seal door because that is a real real like a character from a fiction as well.

But they probably hate this name as well. Is this round upon? Is this a common thing where it's like, you can't just say your name is fucking Frodo. That already exists. It's like a lot of first characters tend to be just because it's like a bit easier to like get into character and to kind of like know what you're kind of doing with.

And you like you get less concerned about like the rules of the game because you're just like, oh, what powers or whatever do they have? I can just base it around that. And so it's less like intimidating, I think, for like new players. But even then normally you'd like change the name a little bit or make up your own backstory or something. So it's kind of extreme to like if you're just constantly making characters that are just other movie characters,

like other franchise characters. It's hard to it's hard to stay in the game if you're like you're going through a dungeon and somebody's just like, I have to get back to the Shire the whole time. Or just constantly yelling, still only counts. Still only counts as one. Like, OK, we get it. Cool, cool, that's your catchphrase.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool, cool, Gimli now. Cool, cool, cool. Isn't it still playing the game because it's like that character wouldn't be in this universe? I don't know, it doesn't feel like that big of a deal to me, but I've never played. I think it's I think it's more to Jake's point.

It's a little distracting, I think, for like everyone. If you're sort of really hamming like a particular character, you're not really like in the moment living with it, just like going along. Like if you when you did like a like a Jake and Amir sketch, just picked a different comedian to be, you know, you just did Kevin Hart that day. You know, no matter what Jake gave you, you were just like, hey, yeah. You'd be like, whoa, OK, this is not what we, you know, this isn't the world. This is what we signed up for.

Yeah. Although Jake and Kevin Hart sounds pretty funny, actually. If we could be. I'd watch the hell out of that show. Super successful. I mean, I would just be. Mountain Dew adders hanging on to his coattails. That'd be incredible.

I mean, what a ride. I would leave you behind so fast, so fucking fast. Understandable. Yeah, but it wouldn't be your friend. There's a friendship that we have in a built-in like chemistry that has to count for something. You remember each other's birthdays and everything. So I already forgot Amir's birthday

and I only know Kevin Hart's birthday March 4th. I'll never forget Kevin Hart's big day. Sending the card right now for next year. So, yeah, have you ever steered a player in one direction? He's like, no, I don't want to do that. You have to let me play. That also seems kind of lame as I think that's the issue. You would rise, right?

Is that you would present a scenario in the play? I get the opinion that players are like, no, no, no, I wouldn't do this or that wouldn't happen because I can do this or because I'm this person. That's where it feels like a little limity for me, where like you've got to be gracious at the table. I think you do have to be gracious at the table. It feels like if you have this character that's

exists as like a leaping off point, that's good. But if you're staying true, if you're playing in your friend's table and you're staying true to Gimli the entire time, it seems like that doesn't make for good new role play. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It limits you in terms of the fun you could have. I feel like the advice I would give if you're the DM,

I would say try and find ways to interest them in their own story, give them little hooks and things which are like, give them like, almost like give them a new set like backstory by like putting plot hooks and stuff that haven't happened to Gimli before, you know, like give Gimli like a, like try and steer like a potential love interest

or a fun NPC or something that they haven't partnered up with. So like see if they can get influenced by the world that they're, you know, and then if they're still, I mean. Or even like a magical weapon or something that could be like a way to differentiate it right away. Somebody's playing Gimli is like, I'm using a battle axe. And they're like, well, here's a plus one magic sword that you just found Gimli might be on.

Hell yeah, you gotta use them. Okay, I'll take that one. I'll still only count such one. Yes, okay, cool. You've got to toss me. It kind of sounds fun actually. We should all play as Gimli. We should do it.

I actually should do it. I don't, I don't. Or Gimli. I don't know about. Everyone is Gimli. I don't know about Lord of the Rings or like, I feel kind of left out when you guys talk about this kind of shit.

I'm so sorry. I mean, yeah, thank you. That's one apology. And I wish I could. You're the host of the podcast. Just breeze past it or change the subject. You're making it, you're like making a meal of this. I'm crying now because I feel so bad.

Okay, that's good. And then Jake, are you also in terms of being sorry to make me feel other than? The problem is, is it Jake emailed me before this? When he set this up, he said, look, I'm gonna, I'm getting you on to trial you as a replacement for Amir. So like that was like the angle he was going for.

You guys would both know about Lord of the Rings. How would that work for podcast chemistry? I feel like people would tune in for our Gimli banter. Really? Like the two Gimli bit? I think that'd be fun. Everyone's a Gimli. I mean, I could do it.

Two Gimli's? That's a good show. I could be a Gimli actually, now that I think about it. Really? Because you were just making me apologize to you for not knowing which character was he. Just tell me which one he is

and then I can catch up. You said you could do it. Or you said you could do a Gimli. You did say you could do it. Hi, I'm Roger Gimli, attorney at law. What are we doing here? Looking for a fucking ass? A horse's ass?

You're conflating it with an earlier part of the episode. Really? Yeah. Fuck. I have a migraine, you know all things. Do you know how annoying that is? Too many bits. Too many bits.

I have a sinus headache. All right, listen to what these guys say. They know what they're talking about. I can't add any wisdom, I'm sorry. I fell short, but that's the whole point of having another D&D expert on. We can answer some of these questions. There you go.

Jasper, tell us a little bit about your podcast. What's the picture? Three black halflings, another D&D podcast on the Head Gum Network. It is, it is indeed. Yeah, so we are, basically the idea came about when we realized that there's like, there's not a whole lot of representation

in Dungeons & Dragons and fantasy in general. Like you'd look at Lord of the Rings, for instance, it's super white. It's pretty diverse, because there's, I'm trying to think, there's, yeah, okay. Yeah, no, they're totally, let me just help. No, please. No, yeah.

I think Legolas is Asian, so. Gollum is from Poland, so that's like. There's some Eastern European there. Now, unfortunately, all the Asian references are like, just a homogenous group of bad guys that come in like halfway through learning with big elephants. That's right, that's right. Yes, so basically I started playing D&D

with my friend Jeremy, and we would spend like ages after we'd finished playing, just talking afterwards about like the rules and stuff like this, and I was like, hey, we should get together and like talk about this, and like do like a podcast. And we'd recently just started playing in a campaign that I was doing, and Jeremy was on the hunt for a fat,

like character art for his character, like something of approximation. He was playing a black halfling and just could not find any artwork of a black halfling anywhere, except for like a really old black and white photo, which was like some, it honestly looked like, it was like out of some really inappropriate old,

like handbook thing. They were like some halflings from a different planet, and like it was, it's uncomfortable to look at, like this characterization. So that's kind of where like the black halflings name came from. And yeah, we basically, we dive into like diversity and things like that in Dungeons and Dragons. We talk a lot about like we do a lot of rules stuff as well,

and just like how to make your game like richer. Do you know what I mean? Like introduce more elements than just like Eurocentric stuff, because you know, we've seen it, we've done it a lot, you know? So let's have cool stuff from Africa and you know, like native American stuff or Asian like influences and things like that.

And we do a lot of like safety tools as well, like how to get around awkward stuff at the table and all that kind of thing. But we recently, the episode, which I think will be out around this time, we did a top five, our favorite Marvel movies. So we do a lot of nerdy stuff on there. Like we just sort of break down a lot of nerdy stuff.

We also weigh in on controversies. So we were talking about Ray Fisher's complaints about Joss Whedon the other day. We did the whole thing on that. So, you know, it's a bit of something for everyone, hopefully it's not just Dungeons and Dragons there. Cool. What makes you think that Dungeons and Dragons fans

are just comic book nerds that want to hear anything about Marvel movies? It's a totally different audience. There's no little to no crossover, I think. I would say they're, yeah, you're probably right there isn't, it's a terrible show and I don't know why you have your network. Thank you, thank you.

That's like anything that's a reflection on you. What a mean question and how well it worked. I can't believe it. Damn it. Damn it, I exposed myself. Please stop exposing yourself on the Zoom a minute. Oh yeah, I also exposed myself. This whole time.

All right, sweet, thank you so much for coming on the show and yeah, for more of Jasper, check out his podcast, Three Black Halflings. Please do. Jake was on a few episodes, correct? I was on an episode, yeah, as was Caldwell. So anybody that likes NADPOD, it's gonna at the very least like those two episodes,

but I think you're gonna like all of them. And also we get so many questions about like, we just asked too, you know, like about D&D and I feel like Jasper's podcast is a very good resource for that stuff. Yeah, we can forward you all the D&D questions that were not equipped to answer as well. Please, please do, please do.

We'll do an if I were you section on Three Black Halflings. Oh my God, that reminds me, we did, they played a game. Did I tell you this, Amir? Jasper made a game where he was quizzing his co-hosts with a real line or a fake line from a Jake and Amir. Oh no. Yeah, Jasper, do you have one of them? Yeah, I still have them.

I have them right here, actually. They're on my notes. So I basically, the idea was that it's like a mini game type thing where you answer a bunch of questions and try and like, it could be any question. So one of the topics was like sports or football or whatever. And then another one was Jake and Amir Lines. Wow, finally something that I can do well in.

Yeah, it was like, it was like, I'm pretty categorized. Me, okay, do you have some of those lines to see if we can tell if they're real or fake? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, here they are. Okay, I don't know which ones I didn't use, so I'll just go through some of these. So winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Oh no, sorry, winner, winner, chicken chenna. Yeah, yeah, that one is for sure real, yeah. Or I eat winners for breakfast. I do remember Jake with a chin strap beard saying that first one. Winner, winner, chicken chenna. Yeah, did people not know which one was just stupid enough to use?

I think, there's only one that actually got the wrong way around, there's a bunch that I didn't use. So this would be, this is a fun use of stuff that I've already covered with. So these cheese doors, I want one. I will leave a door cheese. I was hoping, because the first one felt so stupid, I'm like, there's no way I ever said anything

about doors and cheese. And then the next one was also about doors and cheese. Now I'm like, oh, I guess I definitely said one of these things, unfortunately. The second one I said. The second one is the one that you said, yeah, I will leave a door cheese. And I think Jake, you explained this,

it was a play on a Riva Dirt Chee. Oh yes, I go, a Riva door. Cheese? Yeah. This is that War Horse level shit, where I'm talking about high brow, interesting commentary about cheese. Leaving a door as cheese, it almost makes me think

about what was going on in the world in late 2000s, pre-Obama, post-John Kerry. Reaganomics. Reaganomics. Ultimately, it all comes back to Reagan for us. Yeah. Amir, you're making me feel left out, because I don't know what you're talking about,

so if you could not. You're right, you're right, sorry. Apologize. Actually, this came about though, because I was telling Jake that I found this, I've got this weird thing now on YouTube, where your little patron clips that you put up, like those one minute things are like super addictive.

But I've never watched that much Jake and Amir, like I don't even, I'm not a patron, but yeah, I find myself on a loop watching these one minute clips of scenes that I've never seen, of just you reacting to the scene. Like it's so dumb. I was laughing at our own videos that you've never seen. I'm like, why am I still watching these videos?

I have no context for anything that's going on. Could you take that again, where you say the same thing, but then you say, I'm a patron, I'm a willing patron, I pay you guys. Actually, I feel bad, I'm gonna pay you guys 9.99 a month. I really get the bang for my buck. That's what you actually do. I put all of the money from Three Black Halflings

back into the Jake and Amir Patreon. All right, great, we got it. I'll just edit that in, that sounds perfect. I've got one more good one, which actually did get the wrong way around, I think. So, I'm crying tears of soy, I'm beefing soy. Or... Those are two different...

No, no, that's one, yeah. Then, oh, oh, soy me a river, you beefy boy. The second one is fake, but it easily could have been used. Yeah, I do remember when I was crying soy sauce for some reason on the show. That's how salty my attitude was. I was literally having tears of soy sauce in one episode, and that's it.

Then multiple episodes, I think. Oh, really? I don't know, maybe you actually cried soy sauce in one episode. Oh, wait, maybe the soy sauce thing was a callback to when you cry, you say you're beefing. Yeah, that's what it is. Okay, I think for one year I was a Kiko man,

so every time I would cry, bleed, come, it would always be a soy sauce, yeah. Wow, wow. When we talk about coming soy sauce, that's when the episode really has to end. That's just painful, like the other stuff. Yeah, crying is fine. Yeah, tears are salty anyway.

Yeah, it's the semen you want to get back with Dan. Okay, okay. I'm just saying is all, if you have your own questions or theme songs, the email address for everything is if I were you show at gmail.com, open one, remember that classic sting episode, that sting parody by Matthew. His closing one is by Doug,

and all he wants to plug is his Twitch, which is D. Bright's, where he hangs out and streams video games every week. So, if you like video games, you might like Doug. Yeah, love Doug. And as Jasper told you, our Patreon, we're still making videos every week at patreon.com.j.a. And for more D&D love, check out Jasper's

three black halflings. We have a Patreon too. Oh, you have a Patreon too. What's the URL for that? It's just patreon.com forward slash tbhalflings. It's also where you can find us on all social medias as well if you want to follow us. Tbingo, halflings.

Bingo, bongo. Sweet. Thank you so much for coming by. Appreciate you for making the time. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week. Bye, everybody. Woo!

If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you. If I were you show, hosted by Jake and Amir, they'll answer your questions. Take a seat, no need to fear. Yo, his name is Jake Hurwitz. In the brotherhood, they call them her bitch. And he fucked his cousin at a house party.

The point is that he gets invited to house parties. And he doesn't wear condoms, but there's no question that's beyond him. Some call him Gameboy or The Pinch. No matter what the question, he will never flinch. Huh? And next we got the chipmunk. He's jerking off to a LeBron dunk.

I swear this dude lives in a goddamn willow tree. It's the only place big enough to store all his turkeys, yo. But I gotta give a mad prop. Scarf went down some cockmeat on Rosemary Foucage. I guess it's time to toss it back to these two Jews. That's right, I said it's time for if I were you. Huh? That was a hit gum original.