If I Were You - 488: Playstation

Episode Date: May 17, 2021

In this episode we discuss selling gifts, owning "Jake and Amir," and the ghosts of ghosting past.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. Yeah, you know that one, don't you little prick? Yeah, that is sorry. Oh, what's with that? I was like, aggression, negativity to kick off. I tried to make it like playful. Like, oh, you know that one, you little bastard, don't you? Like, in a way that's like I'm tickling you, you little even even that even you trying to qualify what you did at first sounded nasty. It sounded quite full. It sounded vitriolic and hateful. If I'm being honest, it feels like you have pent up aggression and anger that you're trying to get out. No, no, no, let's start. Let's start over. Let's pretend like the song is extended. Wow. Okay.

I love that. Nice. That little piece of shit. I bet you do. You fucking basic ass. Well, little bitch. Excuse me. I was like, that's how you went in even harder. For those of you listening now, we already took that. It's been twice. I think I edited the first one out. I hope hopefully you don't even hear this because let's just start at this point. I hope you left it in because the second one makes a little more sense in the context of the first. Otherwise, you went in really hard. Okay, well, now you started it over and I didn't even know what you were starting out. Ready? Whoa. Blink what I did too. Very nice. Hoppy style. Love that. Hoppy style. You little motherfucker. I don't know. You suck. Okay. You suck. You clearly have

something. You have a vendetta against me for something. I was trying to be like, all right, if you guys are listening, you were trying to be anything. The reason why this is so loaded, even though it feels like it's just starting, is because we've actually taken this intro fucking, I want to say three or four times at this point. Yeah, we've taken it a lot of times. I'm trying to flip a switch and just be positive and cool every single time. It feels like every time you get the restart, you decide that you want to be even meaner. I don't even feel like I'm mad. It's almost like I repressed a memory or some shit that's coming up. Why don't we try, just yell at me right now if you want to. Call me a piece of shit. Call me a prick. Call me a little asshole.

Call me a dickling fucker. Okay, go ahead. Well, now that you're saying it that I can, I'm like, basically, yeah, you suck, you little dickling fucker, fuck you, you little asshole. Now, like, it doesn't feel like anything. That felt like it was starting to get somewhere for you. I fucking hate you. You piece of shit. What the fuck is your problem? You suck. You like Blink-1 and 8 too? Who the fuck likes them? Grow up, you immature little prick. All right, that felt good actually. Okay, nice. Ready? Let's play it. Let's not jump right into it because that hurt my feelings and I need to recover for a second. Opa-hop is style. I love that song. Do you know that song? Do you know what that was apparently of? Why are you upset,

dude? Why are you upset? That was the first time we heard it and we're getting right into this show. Yeah, no, I liked it. I really, I like that. I feel like at this point, you have to leave all of the, you have to leave all of the vitriol, because otherwise it won't make sense why I'm feeling dejected. This is the top of the show. This is the top of the show. This is the top of the show. Opa-hop is style. That was a parody of online songs, which I have not even heard of before. Do you know that one? Yes, I believe it is track two of Take Off Your Pants and Jacket. Don't quote me on that, but I know that it's Take Off Your Pants and Jacket. And this was from the 90s, so like what did online songs mean then? No, no, no, this is from 2000, like two or three,

whenever Take Off Your Pants and Jacket came out. Right. Oh, okay. So online songs back then was like Napster, Kazaa and stuff like that. Online, that would have been AOL. Like I think you're, I think he says, I feel like he says something about away messages and IMs and stuff in there. Damn. For those of you under the age of like 25, you used to be online so much that you needed an answering machine when you weren't at your computer, but still online. And it said like, hey, I'm folding laundry, BRB as an auto response if somebody sent you a AIM thing, which is basically a text message. So if you, you want it to be on your computer, you want it to be available all the time, but we didn't have smartphones. So we had to leave

the computer online, but throw up a message just so you didn't miss anything. Exactly. That was the vibe. But now you don't need an away message because you're always there because you're computer. Doesn't that make you feel fucking tense as hell? I'm always available? I love it. I want to throw up an away message. I want to fucking, I want an away message now. Hold on, we're getting some Slack messages we have to respond to. You can't text me, I'm away. You can't, yeah. Exactly. We're getting Slack. Uh-oh. I'm actually going to text you this Slack. Message boards, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, email. Let me send this to you as an email. Other email. And we can loop back. I'm actually getting a conference call.

Hello? Yeah, no, I can talk. Of course. Slack me. Fuck. Slack me. Shit. I'm actually, my dad's calling me in addition to this. In addition. On Skype. And I just got a Venmo request. I am so online. This is awesome. Hold on one second. I've got mail. Yeah. This is so cool. Last night I saw you online. Your screen name, your screen name used to be mine. Why can't we just pretend? That's it. Your screen name used to be mine. They switched screen names? That's seems really problematic. I feel like Hoppus couldn't have understood the, you know, the purpose of a screen name or something when he wrote. That would have been so intense, an eighth grade to switch screen names with your crush. That would be like the ultimate invasion

of privacy. Me, my eighth grade girlfriend hit a little message in our screen name. Really? My, my screen name had the number 38 in it. And that was, her initials were C-H, the third letter of the alphabet, and the eighth. That's really cool, man. It's not just cool. It's more than cool. It's less than cool. It's fucking romantic. It's beautiful. It's actually really fucking deep and touching. The guy, yeah, I was going to say the guy that wrote the song. His wife and him are in a band called the Canebreakers. And they recently released a few songs, which is actually cool and romantic. All you did was give kind of like, put like a creepy little nod to a girl in your fucking screen name. They also released a

few songs under her name, Cameron Clements, all of which can be found on Apple Music or Spotify. Thank you. Love Taylor Clements. Nice. Oh wait, thank you. PS Online Songs is one of my favorite lines from the early 2000s. Last night, I saw you online. Your screen name used to be mine. Why can't we just pretend? So there you go. He, he loved it too. Wow, that's wild. That is pretty wild. This also, this song also featured a really nice na-na, like cadence. This was even before. No, no, no. This was after they're trying to recreate that match. I see. Yeah. Oh, this is after that. Yeah. This is, this is after. No, this is from Take Off Your Pants and Jacket, you said. Oh, right. Sorry. It's after Enema of the state. The, the, you know, the famous

na-na was all the small things. I see. And they're like, let's bring it back. People will be like, oh, remember that from their other songs. Well, they should have said, released in 2001. I said, they should have said na-na, na-na, na-na, to using that riff again. Come up with new shit. Nice. What have you ever done? Oh, I was going to say on our Patreon, you can watch this, watch Jake and Amir videos. Being a cute little boyfriend in eighth grade. We're watching our old episodes on our Patreon. So. Speaking of our old episodes. Yeah. They're our episodes. I don't know that we talked about that on POP. I think we have. Have we not? No, we have not. I don't think. Really? I'm not sure. Just on our Patreon.

Wow. Maybe we talked about it on our Patreon. But Jake and Amir is now owned by Jake and Amir. Yeah. And we got, you know, half baked plans about what to do with them, but nothing is fully formed, obviously. Like people are asking us, are you going to make new videos? Are you going to move the old videos? Are they going to still live on CollegeHumor.com? Are you going to put them behind a paywall? And it's like, yeah, we are going to charge $4 per view. We're going to put them in the, we're going to put fucking Jake and Amir videos in the vault. Do you want to watch Disney style? You're going to have to pay me cash for that. Which one's the burp? The one where you try to burp and you throw up on yourself. It's really all time. We should charge,

let's, we'll turn them into a non-fungible token. You burping will cost one million, but we'll come up with our own, our own, uh, currency. Crypto. Yeah. I see. It'll cost one million gullies. Okay. Oh, that's really good. So how much is a gully going for? A gully is worth one eighth of one cent. So that's pretty cheap. Okay. But a million people buy gullies with US dollars on some sort of exchange. Well, you can exchange them for your Ethereum, your ride locks, your Tron, your Doge, if you will. You're like vaguely familiar with this shit. You're trying to like come up with a game plan, but you don't know what half these things are. You can PayPal me and you become Leron. How's that? What is that? PayPal me one Rye block and you actually are Leron

now. I can do that. I have that authority. These are my videos. Yeah. People can't pay value that. These are my videos. And you don't own shit. You're definitely, it wouldn't make me a fictional cousin to fucking figure out a way to send you this alt coin you accidentally bought four years ago. That may or may not exist anymore, by the way. Ride blocks? I don't know if you, yeah, I don't know if you caught it all in on Rye blocks. I know. I know you did. And I'm afraid it's not there anymore. And people definitely can't PayPal them to you. And if they did, it doesn't make them my cousin in the web series. So you don't get to come up with a game plan anymore. Okay, well, if anybody has any ideas of what we should do, please let us know. Our plan, or at least my

plan for right now is finding a way to put them all in one place so everyone could watch them. We will not put them behind a paywall. I want them to be, it's a free and open democracy. Yeah, that's right. That's right. And we've been able to make some occasional videos in the past few years, but we always had to ask for permission. Yeah, and this way we'll be like, hey, we want to make a video, we can just do it right away. So there's less of a barrier to entry. So that'll be fun too. Yeah, we could have made, if we had done this a little bit earlier, we could have made a March Madness video, which I can't, I already can't wait for next year, you know. Fuck. That's going to be fun. Okay, but yeah, just know that we do have the content now,

the IP is back in our names as our names, and we hope to do something cool with it as soon as possible. And I'm sure as soon as we figure out a plan, we'll let you guys know. Yeah, absolutely. But for now, yeah, store up on those ride blocks, PayPal them to Jake, and you'll be Leron, I guess, for the day. Damn right. All right, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web, hosted by us, I'm Amir. I'm Leron, and you can be Leron if you want. Yeah, if they pay value. Ride blocks, of course. Here's a fun question. It feels like a modern day Seinfeld episode, so let's call this guy George Costanza. Nice. A couple of years ago, right, George, I matched with a girl on Tinder and things are going well. I got her number and we planned a date,

but I realized she wasn't for me. A couple of years ago, he said. Yeah, this was like two years ago. They matched and then he ghosted her. He straight up ghosted her. Nice. Yep, a shit move. Cut to now, we match on a different dating at Bumble. We start talking last week and things are going well, and we plan a date. She gives me her phone number and it's the same one as before. I sent her a message on Bumble saying I had a great time. She tosses in her number, so I go to add it, and she's in my phone already. The convo's still there from last time. What the fuck do I do? If I message her and she sees that she still has my number, maybe even the conversation, she knows I'm a piece of shit, or at least, or at least was two years ago. Should I play Koi and comment on

the fact that I knew the whole time? Thanks, love George. So if he texts, do you have the old messages saved in your phone, or do you have it like auto archive after 30 days because nobody needs to see text message threats from nine years ago? Yeah, I have it auto archive. I think it auto archives after like either six months or a year, or maybe nine months, whatever. Yeah, I think that's most people do have that at the very least just for space, but then also like after you don't want to be able to see like drunken texts you either sent or received 11 years ago, which is how long we've all had iPhones at this point. So he matched with her on Bumble, and they were chatting, planning a date, and then he's going to send it to text.

That's the plan. Yeah, and then when he sent it to text, it's like, oh, I already talked to this person and ghosted her two years ago. Oops, should I text her? Or does he have to get a new phone number now just to text her? It's like, hey, this is me now. Interesting. He could. There's a couple options. That's a big way to go. There are a couple options. He could get a burner. He could get a burner. Yeah, that seems like pretty extreme, right? That's extreme. How does one even go about getting a burner? I see it on TV, but like, what do you get? Like a flip phone from a radio shack and say, I'll pay $30 a month? Yeah, I mean, I think that you could get them at a bodega. You could get a phone anywhere. It's that's not an issue. You can get a phone at a bodega? I think so.

You get like Turkey and a fucking SIM card? Yeah. Yeah, that's awesome. I think. Okay, but here's the, I mean, you could also, I feel like there's got to be a computer program that is like, text from your computer and make it your own number, right? Yes. Yeah, like a forwarding situation. Like Google, I think, has like text forwarding or something, right? But the thing is really like, at the end of the day, this is going to, if the dates go well, this is going to come up. Like she knows you ghosted her, right? Maybe she doesn't remember because it was two years ago, this guy looks new, it's a new app and they haven't texted, so she doesn't have that recollection. And he doesn't want to remind her. Right.

Right. And now I'm kind of scared that, like, I'm implicated in this shit. Like, what if she's mad at me for giving this guy- It wouldn't matter. Boe is in bodies. Well, she easily could be, but she, I mean, it wouldn't, you don't even know who she is. You don't know her. I might, there's people in the world that are mad at you that don't like you. You do that, right? I don't think so. I mean, my mom's not a fan, but it doesn't mean that she doesn't like me.

Mm-hmm. She's just currently annoyed with how I've handled the few issues. And so, so is my dad, and so is my cousin. I see her on the subreddit. I see her commenting and trolling you on Instagram. Yeah. It's that third best son out of, I mean, you have two brothers. That one is trending, yeah. Third best son, yeah.

Third best son is trending on Twitter, yeah. Yeah. That was, yeah, and I don't want this lady, this guy that ghosted her to be mad at me, like my mom is mad at me. Right. I feel like you're- I guess that's not this guy's biggest issue. It's not. I don't even think it's your biggest issue, like focus on your issue with your mom and not worry about this guy.

This guy who's like kind of a borderline stranger to me. Yeah, or the woman that he ghosted. Yeah. Even more so, two degrees are moved to being a stranger to me. Yeah. But your mom dislikes you, publicly. And that's what you need.

My next and only of kin. Yeah. And you need to focus on that. You have a nemesis and it's your mother. That's right. She basically wiped my ass for three years and I breastfed from her teeth. And now she dislikes me. That's fucked up.

Do you realize how messed up that is to carry me and then hate me? I can see now why you're sensitive about people liking you. So it tracks that you want this stranger twice removed to not be mad at you. To be my mommy. Or yeah, to be not mad at me. I see. All right. You have mommy issues.

I don't have mommy issues. Just happy mother's day to this lady. Shout out. You're what I see. Sound off. Okay. Sound off in the comments for sure. You can take a calculated risk and just text and just be like,

roll the dice. I think she's got a new phone. And I feel like you are going to be okay. And the alternative is you can just, even though you got the number, continue messaging on Bumble. I don't think it would be that weird. Yeah. Okay.

So just go for it. Cross your fingers. Hope for the best. And hopefully if she does call you out, it's in the playful fashion. Not like a holy shit. I remember what happened. You ghosted me. Yeah, they didn't go out.

So I feel like when you're talking to people, someone you met on Tinder and you're texting, it's annoying, but that's not like an unforgivable sin to ghost someone you've never met, to stop responding to a text. Yeah. That's true. It's not like he could have done a lot worse things on that first date. Yeah. Maybe.

Oh wait, they went on a date? They met? No. Oh. No, they didn't. So if they never met, I think it's okay. Yeah. I wonder if it even helps this case.

It's like, oh yeah, I ghosted you. I guess I'm a bad boy and now I'm interested in being with you again. Actually, let's meet up here. I have a leather jacket to pick up from dry cleaners. And then you take out a little comb and it gets stuck in your hair. And you're like, oh, fuck me. Yeah. Switch, Rachel.

I'm actually in pain. Yeah. Oh. Danny Zuko style. Yeah, you're wearing fucking cool boots and you twist your ankle. Yeah, you have a single mento rolled up in your sleeve. So it's like still the sleeve rolled up, but like instead of a pack of cigarettes, it's a little fucking candy.

I'm going to roll my sleeves for the summer. That's a look. That's a summer look. Yeah, that's a summer look. I'll have to start smoking cigarettes, obviously. That's a weird time to start doing that right after a pandemic. Like we're starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel with this disease that really affects your lung capacity.

And you're now going to start smoking cigarettes? Well, just so I can keep them rolled up in my sleeve. Otherwise, I'm sort of being a poser. So I have to walk the walk and smoke the smock. I really think that's a bad idea. I mean, maybe you could get into cigars or something. I do like cigars. I actually do like cigars.

Though on New Year's I smoked a cigar and I threw up. So I think that was related. Yeah, definitely. I smoked the cigar all wrong. And then how did it make you puke? It was cold out and I needed to smoke outside. This was by yourself, right? Because everyone told you to go outside to blow off some steam.

So they gave you a cigar. I'm just going to fucking chill outside, even though it was cold. So you put on a leather glove and you started smoking a stogie outside. I really did every year. I wanted to ring in the New Year. You're not going to a party. You're not doing anything. You're like, I'm going to buy a cigar.

I'm going to celebrate. But I didn't really realize that nobody else was going to smoke with me, that I was going to be outside by myself. So I was out there. It's cold and I'm just like huffing and puffing because I'm trying to get through the cigar so I can go inside. Hang out with everybody. And also, I think when you're really smoking a cigar,

you got that torch lighter that burns it. The big boy. Yeah, it's ready to go. Like rocket fuel. But I had one of those tiny little, I had one of the free bicks from a gas station. Or like a 99 cent one. Yeah.

So I'm like, I'm like huffing. I'm really, really fucking inhaling, trying to get this thing lit. No, you're not supposed to inhale because it's too much smoke or something. Like a straw. Just trying to get this thing lit. And I smoked. Then I smoked it straight to my face because I wanted to go back inside.

And then I walked inside and like the countdown is happening and Jill looks at me and I'm not there. I was. Oh, this is before New Year's. You went there. Yeah. You got like high office cigars or something. Yeah, I was so, it was, I was in a fog.

I was in a daze. I was adrift at sea. Like just, my feet weren't under me. It was, I had a crazy ass head high. And I had not drunk that much. And I'm like, just, so as soon as it was New Year's, I like stumbled into my bed and I was like, this is really bad.

And then I spent the night throwing up. But that said, that said, then I hung out with a dude who knows when I'm like a second or something. When was this? No, this was like, this was over Jill's birthday. We were out with some friends and. Months later. Yeah. Months later.

He knows the deal about cigars. He had like cigars from Cuba. He took like an hour and a half to smoke it. And he like lit it with a, with the rocket torch thing. And it was really, that was, yeah, that was really, really nice. You did it right. Yeah. I did it right the second time.

So now I like cigars again, but it did take me, it took me that long to get back on the point. Did you tell him, did you tell him that you did it wrong one time? And he's like, yeah, you did this, this, this, so you can't do this. Yeah, yeah, I thought I'll make this. Yeah, yeah, I told him the New Year's story. And he chuckled along and agreed that I had done it very wrong.

That's good. All right. At least now you figured it out. And that's, let that be a cautionary tale for anyone that wants to smoke a cigar. Yeah. Don't do it quickly and by yourself when it's cold out. Don't do it alone.

Yeah. Cigars are not meant to be done alone, I don't think. Yeah, they're really better enjoyed with someone. Of course. All right. Let's take a break. Thanks to sponsors, come back with more questions and answers after these massages.

Yeah. Thank you to Stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business. But with Stamps.com all you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office. So if you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it. If you need to sell products online, Stamps.com seamlessly

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And that gets you a free four-week trial, free postage, and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you Stamps.com for sponsoring this show. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgun podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgun network, Jake. Wow. That's correct.

I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect.

I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now,

but they're a great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame.

We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. This is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah.

Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes.

And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something.

That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift.

A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best-selling frames. There it is. Oh, wow.

This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's auraframes, A-U-R-A frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right.

And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Well, I'm coming. Gross.

I sure do. You know I made a wallet? Yeah. Yeah. You're my wallet now. You made a wallet. I am your wallet now. I'm your wallet now.

That's right. How does that work? So let's see your wallet. Because I'm in the market. I haven't had a new wallet in so long. Because I don't really use my wallet anymore. Okay. So what we did, number one was me and Mike on The Goat Show

looked at a ton of different wallets. Right. We found the things that we liked about all of them. We modeled this very closely after the Bellroy. I think like card sleeve or note sleeve. Not note sleeve. Anyway, so it's got. I think the one that I have.

Yeah, it is. Yes. Similar. Yeah. So it has like similar dimensions. And my issue with that wallet was always number one, the card holder things themselves were a little flimsy because they have that weird little cut out.

So we made this just more of an elegant angle. Yeah, angled. Yeah. It's got the card tab where you can have card storage behind it. Need the tab. Yeah. It's got another pocket here. And then the best cash.

The cash pocket is actually this little elastic strip right here. So it doesn't open fully like a wallet. It's like you fold up the bills and slide it in. Yeah. And my issue with the slim wallet was always that you needed to fold your bills into thirds if you wanted to store them in the pocket. So we made this last pocket half the size of the wallet. And it gave it this elastic strap for extra security.

And you've got the secret cash pocket in the back that holds a bill with a single fold instead of a three fold. And that's good because it seems like wallets can now start de-emphasizing cash. Like back in the day wallets need to be big because you used cash almost every day. And I don't think I've used cash in the last year. I need like an emergency 50 in there that I probably won't use until 2023. That's exactly what I use this pocket for. Just like in case I'm ever in a situation where I need cash.

But I'm not really holding a lot. Just like maybe two twenties. Maybe two twenties. That's what I do. I remember back in the day when like wallets stopped carrying coins and I'd be like, so where do you put your coins? You need a little coin zipper. Otherwise you get nickels and dimes.

And it's like, okay, coins are way like 20 years old. Coins are out. Cash is almost out now too. Yeah. There's a lot of places that are cashless. But I think it's nice to have cash. And I like to carry cash around just a little. Cash is, yeah, just like an emergency bill.

And it's almost like to the point where you don't even need as many cards as you used to. Like I used to have like several debit cards, credit cards, different types of cards. Now it's like, I almost use Apple Pay and I need like one or two cards, one or two bills. And now you got the slim wallet that can hold those things. And you've got the premier slots on the wallet are the one and two right up here. Yeah. The ID. And then you have some space for the underused cards.

And then this thing is like, it holds six to eight cards, which I think is the right amount. I'm down to six because like cards like my triple A card or my gym card, all of those things are like, that's on the phone. That's on the phone. No problem now. You know. Yeah. And what about like my health insurance?

Are we still carrying those around? Do we still need that nowadays? I keep those cards in a box in my dresser because like if I'm going to the doctor, I'll grab that just in case. But also, no, it's like that's at least for my doctor, that's digital. All of that stuff is digital. My insurance doesn't even send me a card anymore. It's just an app.

Right. You can almost just like take a picture of it or even I've seen people print out a little piece of paper and tape it to their ass. Yeah. I've seen that. Because that way you just have the you have the number. And like if if anybody ever needs it, which they probably don't, it looks like you're reaching into your pocket.

But you're actually going back on me and my brother's website where we sell this wallet. We also are going to start selling tape in case you just want to ask tape. Because yeah, you have tape. It's a slim wallet. You have all the cards that you need for the wallet, but then yeah, you can tape whatever else you need to your ass. That's good. And with a slim wallet like that, I was going to ask,

could you almost tape the wallet to the inside of your ass? Yeah. Or like it probably needs to fit in the pocket. It's pretty light. I think you would need something. Yeah, I'm just talking about like the strength of the tape. I don't know if just your standard scotch would do it. You'd open it.

You might need packing tape. I think you'd open it and put one of the sides in between the butt cheeks. Yeah. And that sort of does the heavy lifting. And then with one piece of tape, you sort of tape it to the right side of your ass. Are you a left or a right cheek for ass tape? For, I like the wallet in the front left pocket. This is a front pocket wallet.

And then if I'm taping something to my ass, it would probably be right side. Because that's where I keep the keys. So I'm used to things being on the right side of the ass. All right. You too? So yeah, I'll just shove it up my colon. The reason I ask you is because it's funny you mentioned that it's a front side wallet. I've gotten ridiculed by friends, family like, especially I'll call him out,

Marty Michael, who says you shouldn't keep your wallet in the front. I always keep it in the front. I don't like sitting on a wallet. And I believe you also took his side and said, no, you got to keep it in the back. Now, are you telling me you switched to the front? I have swung in the pandemic. Yes.

Because I'm out less. I think that like it is nice to, well, actually two things have happened. One, I am going out less and I do like having, you know, like the clean looking front pockets. If I'm right, if I'm on that's the whole point. That's the whole point of the back wallet is that you, you doesn't look like there's anything making a little fucking outline of a, of like a glob in your front pocket. Yeah.

And I think if I were going out like, if I was like going out to dinner or going out to a bar or something, and I was going to be seen and like meet up with friends and stuff, I would probably put it in the back pocket. But then the other thing is that my pants have gotten looser in the last two years. Interesting. I was wearing like the skinnier pants when we were all hanging out. Yeah.

And when you shove that pocket, that wallet in, it's like a skin tight seal that creates, you can almost see the exact outline of the wallet in the pocket. Yeah. I feel like to get my wallet out of my pocket a couple of years ago, I needed two hands. Like you have to peel it open. Especially in a car.

You have to like fucking plank, lean back, grab, squeeze, pull up. But I'm wearing regular sized pants now. They're a little bad gear. Straight leg, almost chino style, straight leg cackies. Yeah. Slim straight. I actually, and I, me and Micah talked about the goat chinos on an episode of the Goat Show. They are the target good fellow tech chinos.

And do those even have a back pocket or like you keep them buttoned? You don't even access that back pocket. They have the back pocket. They have a back pocket. I have, I put my keys in the back pocket because I got the keys. Oh, wow. Yeah. I like the keys in the back pocket.

Keys in the front pocket doesn't work for me. But you, but you have since moved to wallet in the front. I wonder if that's a universal shift or a personal one. Yeah, I wonder too. I did used to have wallet in back left, keys in back right, phone in front left. That was the, that was where I, that was what I did. And now would you move to? Now it's wallet and phone.

Same pocket, front left. Because the wallets. That's it. That pocket. Same pocket. Wow. I'd really, I would love to send you. Zero.

I would love to send you one of these wallets. Yeah, send it. Do you have my manager's number? You can send it to him. I'll pick it up or send it to my agent. Give it your address. I'll send it directly to you. Give me your, don't worry about it.

He gets everything and I'll pick it up one day when I'm in Beverly Hills. I feel like it's this weird power play that you have. It's not a play. Call my fucking agent. Call my agent. Call my agent, call my manager, call my publicist if you want me to talk about this shit. I'm not going to give away some fucking free Instagram story for your ass.

All right. Call my publicist. It's really not like, it was not like an influencer thing. I was trying to, I thought you'd get it. I'm not. Yeah. Sorry about that. You can, just yeah, send it to my accountant.

Why would I send it to him? Send it to my accountant. Next time I'm picking up documents, I'll pick up the fucking wallet. Wait, so you have two things in your front left, zero in your front right? Well, don't you like the balance, the symmetry, the equal distribution? Yeah. Well, I feel like I have that because I've got front left, back right. It's a different kind of symmetry.

It's a mirror image. I see. So you're talking about 360 symmetry. I'm talking symmetry within the front pockets. Right. Are you going, you do phone? Kind of a game changer. Phone left, wallet, right?

Yeah, phone left, wallet, right. Because then, you know, they're kind of equally sized nowadays. So it feels like boom, each one thin. But like, how thin can your phone and your wallet be that it's still not creating the crease? Oh yeah, that's pretty thin. That's pretty thin. Those are very thin.

Does it come in brown? I see that's a black wallet. Yeah, I have. I'm a fan of the brown or blue. Don't you worry, we've got brown. We're thinking about that third color way. So if you want, you can- Blue leather monogrammed in orange, a-dot, dot, dot, b-question mark.

And on the back, it says bad ass motherfucker. And I'll tape that to my fucking tape. How's that? Me talking to an agent, not even mine. Is this William Morris? I'm here to pick up a wallet that belongs to my ass. Why are you tasing me? I used to have a fucking client here.

I'm not going to tell Jake that I don't have an agent, okay? The least he could do is accept a package. Oh, you're tasing me. Come on. Okay, so how do non-me people get this wallet? I know you're going to say it directly to me, but if I wanted to- Actually, my brother was saying that he was in the market for a wallet. He was looking at that wallet specifically.

So how do people get it? Well, he can go to brothershalcyon.com or follow us on Instagram. Brothershalcyon.com or well, I guess on Instagram, there's top.com. Right. Brothershalcyon.com. Brothers- Wow, and it's cheaper than my Bellroy. This one's only 50 bucks.

That's right. We undercut the fuckers. Oh, the brown looks good. Yeah, it's nice and tan. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. This is great.

And then does it fit like- I have Magnum fucking condom. Yeah. I mean, the Magnum condom package is around the same size as the folded and half dollar bill. So that would easily work in the bill. Really? I think mine are fucking even bigger than that. The issue is that it's not going to fit on your cock.

That's where it's not going to fit because you have a tiny little pecker. You have a pencil dick. It's actually, I'm starting to feel like I'm talking too much about this kind of shit. And I don't want anybody to know about the thinness of my anus and the fact that my taint is sharp. You don't want people to know that. You talk about it all the time. Yeah, but I talk about it in a way that convinces people it's big.

So I'll say like, does it fit a Magnum condom? And then in their brains, I, they're like, okay, Mir's probably well endowed. But then you keep bringing up the thinness of it. And now it's like- I don't. Overall, people are thinking that maybe- Throw it up once. Maybe it's like-

It's almost like you're highlighting it more than I am. Does that make sense? Yeah. People are thinking about it now because of the way that you're talking about it. Exactly. I made a flippant remark. You dug in, it feels like you've explored everything you want to explore around. I'll take the wallet, basically.

Long story shorts. Brown. I do need, yeah. I'll take the tan wallet. Thank you. How many did you make? Or is it like print on demand style? It's, we made 200 and we're shipping them out of the basement.

And actually there, I think there are only like a hundred left. But if they sell out, then we're gonna get- We're gonna get some- What kind of boxes would come in? You have like a fat wad, you got like 50 wallets down there? They're in, yeah, they're in the, they're in the other room. But they, we did monogram the box. It looks really pretty.

Oh, that's cool. And they come in- And then if people- A huge box, yeah. You're actually going to the post office to send these off. Is that how it works? The, the postman does pickups at the house when he drops off the mail. So you just let him know you have a package.

Like yesterday we shipped out 60 wallets. You're writing the labels by hand, printing it out, sticking it on using stamps.com? Micah is using, I believe he is using stamps.com and he got like a heat printer label thing. This thing like fires them off and him and his girlfriend pack the wallets and mail them out. We also put a sticker in there. So don't you worry about that. That's nice. Yeah.

Yeah. I was going to say, I think I deserve a sticker at least for the free wallet. Also just a sneak peek just for you. We're also going to, we made this hat. Can you see this hat? Yeah. What is that? Is that a shell? Is that a turkey head? Is that a flower?

It's a mountain lily. That's right. Third guess, it's a flower. Halcyon. Not even brothers, just straight Halcyon. What's the back say? Well, someday, someday I want to drop the brothers and just be Halcyon. Because I think Halcyon is a goat name.

The back says pursued by glory, which is- The family crest that me and Micah came up with, or our family words. Did everyone else have to sign off on that or just like the brothers sort of dictated it? Yeah. Nobody else is pursued by glory. The triplets and Hannah have not said it yet, but we'll get them. We'll get them. Yeah. Once this takes off, you can have like the sisters Halcyon.

That's cool. A competing brand. Although I did see that they started making stuff too, right? Yeah. We've got a very entrepreneurial family. Well, they're still making the beard oil, but they pivoted and kicked my ass out. Now it's beard oil and puboil and skin essential oil. It's just an oil company. I would love to talk to them about the puboil. Because if I can get in on the puboil advertising game,

I feel like I can be a spokesman, manscaped style. They did. Because you've seen my mound. My pubis mound. I've seen your pubis mound. It's riddled with tape scars. I am ripe for a before photo and I'm just ready to take it. Yeah. Well, they did use, they used Gumball to book an ad for their new brand, East Rock Botanicals.

So you might. And is it on Gumball? Is it on Gumball? Did they purchase buckets? Did they purchase my basketball ad? I should ask them. I just saw the alert that they purchased an ad from Gumball, but I don't know where they bought. I mean, it's probably me, right?

Who else could talk about puboil with such confidence slash pedigree? It's such a vim and vigor, as you say. With such oil and vinegar as me. All right, cool. That's good unsolicited advice. Let's take another break, come back and answer some fucking questions on the other side of these messages. Come on. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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Thank you, Squarespace. And we are returned finally. What's up? All right. Should we try to get through some more Q's and A's? This is an advice podcast after all. Yeah, let's do it. Why not?

Here's a question about what to do with a PlayStation 4 that was received as a gift. We'll call this guy Sunny because it's a sunny PlayStation. Nice. Sunny writes, I'm in high school with my older brother and a while ago some family acquaintance. We don't really know approaches about selling his PS4. Me and my brother declined, but after he couldn't find anyone, he ended up just giving it to us for free. Sounds like a good gig, right? Here's the problem.

It's been a year and we haven't used it at all. In fact, we haven't even plugged it in. It's just sitting in the living room next to our switch. So now we're looking to get rid of some belongings ourselves before our brother moves to college next year, but we both feel a little weird selling this console that we got for free. Is there a statute of limitations that we should try to wait before selling it? Are we obliged to gift it to someone else? Do we have to give it back to him?

What do we do with it? Love the show and congrats on the turdy this episode, Amir. We should say that that hasn't happened yet. Really? I feel like he wanted it to you. Thanks for nothing. I love that a fan writes in and gives you the turdy. That's really cool.

We decide together. Why don't you accept that with Vim? What with Vim and not Vigor? You want me to accept that turdy with a single Vim? All right. It's not your decision to make. Speech. Thank you.

Speech. This isn't a speech. I'm just going to tell him that we decide together, mostly you, but also I have some input in terms of tiebreaker who gets the turdy, who gets the golden mic. And I thought we both did pretty well this episode. We'll decide at the end who ends up getting set trophy. We don't have to even talk about it yet. It was just part of the PS.

Speaking of PS, this PS4. Fuck, now I'm like sweaty. I'm trying to think. That was a really nice transition. That was a fucking awesome transition. That could have earned you the golden mic if you hadn't already accepted the turdy, which you really didn't have to do. God, dude.

It's not the decision to make. You gave a speech. You gave a speech. I said thanks, but no thanks. We don't know yet. You said thanks. I said we'll decide at the end. You said thanks.

You yelled a speech. I didn't even want to talk. You made it into like this weird thing. That PS. Speaking of PS. Yeah, PS4. That's like, that's so good. I feel like it sucks that the golden mic has to fall to me as you took home the turdy.

We can both get it. I'll get it for the PS4. Because I'm obviously cheese chuffed, honored, humbled, and vimmed. And vimmed and a little bit figured, to be honest. So appreciate much. So what should this guy, just what, sell a fucking PS4 that was gifted to him? Yeah, I don't think so. That seems fine.

I think it's, I think it's a little wrong. I think it's wrong. How much does the PS4 go for? I could check eBay, but I bet a couple hundred bucks. Because I think PS5's already exist. I don't really know the difference between the two. Yeah, you can get a PS4 for $2.75 right now. I don't know why this guy didn't sell it on eBay.

I guess it's annoying to have to list and ship. But yeah, it's between two and 300 bucks. The weird thing is that it's like, it feels like the right thing to do is just like, cut this guy in on it. He says, will you sell this? You say, no. It's like, well, you can have it. And you're like, okay, you don't use it.

But you let it, you let him store it at your house. And now there we go. That's a really nice way to do it. You fucking sell it. You get 300 bucks. He split it three ways. It's 100, 100. This guy gets 100 for giving you the gift at all.

Yeah, a year later, he's just going to get 100 bucks. I feel like he shouldn't be mad. But again, I do feel like I could easily see this turning into another episode of Seinfeld. And just being like, well, you should give it to him. You sold my PlayStation? I gave it to you. Like that?

Or just like, well, I asked you to sell it a year ago. You should give me the whole nut. Now you owe me more cash for that. This guy could easily want more. But you could also just be like, we sold it for 100 bucks and give it to him. And then not tell him that you. Or you could be like, we sold it for 150. Here's 50.

And then suddenly you and your brother are making out like bandits. Well, I mean, yeah, if you really want to rob him, you don't have to tell him anything. So I think that it makes sense that this guy should get the cash. And you get a vig for doing the transaction. You get paid for taking that on. Sell and split. That seems to be the fairest way.

I think so. I think so. All right. All right. One last question. Yeah. This one's from a lady. And since we're talking about Seinfeld all the time,

we'll call this lady Geraldine, like Jerry, but a woman. Nice. Shut up, butt head. Sorry. I went blind for like two seconds and I had to vamp. I saw. Weird. All right.

It's like it got dark, but it's still bright out. It was weird. It was scary. You're all ready? You have to go to the doctor. I think so. Because like, yeah, like. You've been taping.

One second. It was too much. I think it's lost a lot of my ass tape. It's leaking into my, you know, they say like, you're supposed to butt chug for it to get to your like blood faster. Mm hmm. Yeah.

I think there's like scotch poisoning in me. Just a lot of glue. Isn't that what happened to George's wife, Susan? Yeah, that's right. She licked all the wedding invites and the glue poisoned her and she died. God, what a show. Solid app.

All right. Long time listener. First time giving a shitter writes Geraldine. I'm a junior in college and this year I've made some really good and close friends. Having such close friends who are into being goofy with me has caused me to come out of my shell more and really push the envelope.

My favorite and funniest gag has been to flash my boobs at my friends. This is a goof for a laugh. My friends are all girls, so it's not that weird, but one of my friends has recently come out of the closet as bisexual. I don't care if she munches a carpet or eats a cock and eats sandwich because she's my friend.

And the problem is we joke all the time about being gay together, even though we both mutually expressed that we do not want that. And I worry that I might be convincing my boyfriend that I'm gay, especially coupled with the fact that I'm so open to exposing myself to my friends as a goof. Basically, the joke is funny and I do not want to stop, but I can tell my boyfriend is secretly worried about it and

I'm afraid that I will wake up one day, feel gay and leave him. I am open about my sexuality and do not feel limited by labels, but I am really content with my boyfriend and have assured him that I have explored enough with the idea of being a lesbian to be sure that I want to be with him. How do I convince my boyfriend not to be worried about me goofing around with my friends?

And please don't tell me to stop popping my nipples out because I will not listen. Thanks a bunch. Seize the cheese. Love, Geraldine. Wow. All right. Wow.

Okay. Yeah, it seems like the boyfriend, if that's a concern of his, it also doesn't really matter, you know, if she's flashing people or not. That's just like a weird anxiety that he has. He's hung up on, I don't know, it sounds like he's just jealous. Yeah, or scared or something.

I don't know, maybe there's some sort of bad breakup in his past that started like this and he's getting nervous about it. Yeah, you know what? Not jealous. Like I think there's an insecurity there. That's what it is. He's not worried that you are slowly becoming a lesbian

because you're flashing your friends. I feel like that's what he's saying, but what he's really concerned about is like he's going to wake up one day and you won't like him anymore for a plethora of reasons. And this one is taking that form right now. Yeah. The problem is you can't convince someone not to be worried.

You just sort of have to assure them and hope that they understand that they shouldn't be worried. But this seems like such a small thing. I think that a lot of, these are also relationship growing pains. I don't know how long she's been with her boyfriend, but like sometimes in the beginning of a new relationship you're nervous and protective and you don't want it to

go away because you're really happy. And the longer you stay with somebody, the more secure you feel because they haven't left yet. But I think it can be, it's worth having a conversation if it's been a while and he's still feeling like this, then you guys got to have like a talk and maybe he needs to share why he feels so insecure.

Yeah. But the exact question of how do I convince my boyfriend not to be worried, that doesn't, it's hard to convince someone not to be worried. You just have to say don't worry and hope they believe you. Right. And I think it'll happen over time as you continue

to flash your friends as you said you would and you don't become gay with them. That's going to convince him that it's not going to happen because it didn't happen. Yeah. Okay. Or it won't convince him and you'll be convinced that it's not going to happen with him because he's

kind of always angry about you being silly and goofy, which is not a good dichotomy there. That's not a good relationship at all. You've got to protect the silly and goofy. Don't kill your joy. Yeah. This is us squeezing her shoulders. You have to protect it.

That part goes away so quickly, so fast. You don't understand before you know you're 30 fucking seven years old, living in a basement hocking fucking wallets and podcast advice and nobody's there. Hell, I'm going to flash your friends. Nobody's out on your friends. Exposing yourself.

There's fucking wallets and cash taped all over your body. Get a fucking bag or something. Jesus Christ. You can't just use yourself as a bulletin board. You're a cork, man. Man. I got a cork, man.

I listened to you on the headgun podcast, talking shit about downtown. That's another thing that I really enjoy. Yeah. I feel like I got roped into that whole conversation. I don't like the song. I don't think the song is great, but I didn't think it was like, I don't know.

It was weird to me to do an entire segment about how bad it was because there's plenty of bad songs. It didn't warrant that. Yeah. And at least that song like we're talking about is silly and fun. I feel like that's worth something in this crazy world.

Sure. I resent getting roped into the debate. Yeah. You were like, you sort of got swept in the whirlwind. You're very impressionable where it's like, everyone starts talking shit about something. You're like, yeah, let me in. Let me in.

Well, I thought it was funny. It's funny that it's all about a moped. I don't think I realized that. Or I did at the time when you're watching the video and it's like, oh, it's a song about a moped. Man. Listening back. Look, I said on the podcast that I still like.

I'm going 35 Dan. That is a funny line indeed. Yeah. I guess check out the Headgun podcast for more of us. It's fun. It's silly. It's wacky. It's a good time.

I love the Headgun podcast. I'm excited to listen to that episode with Lauren Lapkus. That's right. That's out today. Me, Lauren, Marika, and Jeffrey. All right. That's it. That's it for our podcast.

Thank you for writing in. Thank you for your questions, your emails, your song submissions. If I were you, show at gmail.com. Still making videos on our Patreon. Patreon.com. That's Jake and your watches. We even started making animated sketches.

There's one up there about me and Jake stuck on Everest. And we just recorded another one that's hopefully going to be animated soon. Yeah. So it'll all be there. So check that out as well. And of course, the opening theme song was the cane breakers. It was so good. So long that I only played half of it up top.

So let's listen to the second half right now. Hell yeah. Thanks, cane breakers. Thanks to you guys for listening. And we'll be back, of course, next week. Ciao. Ciao. Why do you still keep him around when you know it?

Bring me down. He's such a chipmunk, man. And I know that Jake's going to get it right. He'll bring home the golden mic. You're such a chipmunk, man. If I were you, show, listen to these dudes. Though one of them's not a dude, though a gerbil he'll confess. And I am not blind, I know he's really trying.

But he could never come, although general cleanliness. If I were you, show, listen to these dudes. Though one of them's not a dude, though he's eating acorns now. And I am not blind, I know he's really trying. But Jake is really chuffed, and he's got it figured out. A mere set of golden mic would be nice. That was a hit gum original.