If I Were You - 489: Cereal Mascots

Episode Date: May 25, 2021

In this episode we are answering as many of your questions as possible in another Twitter lightning round edition of "If I Were You."Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. I like that. That seems like almost like the lead-in to like our televised radio show Public Access. Oh, that's cool. They do like 8-bit music like that sometimes. We should do that. That's what we could do as instead of like another like issue where True TV makes a pilot and passes on it. Ultimately, we just make our own Public Access style show. Interesting. If I were you, televised. That sounds fun and fast, but I'm worried that like without TV like networks and executives like giving us notes and setting meetings,

how will it take like 7 years to get to a definitive no? Like it might happen super fast and then I'm like not on the hook emotionally and spiritually for over half a decade. Yeah, it would be sad to not be in like development limbo. Yeah, exactly. Like submit a draft, but the exec was fired so the new one comes on and doesn't like the show but wants to redevelop something else. And actually, what's your unscripted idea? That's good. And I'm sorry, but True TV just folded into Pluto TV and now it's all rolled up to HBO Max.

That's cool. Can you make it a 15 minute streamable, non scripted unscripted dramedy? Yeah, we're Quibi now. Quibi's gone now. We're something else. Yeah. And then by the time we figured out what we are, it's too late. But this way sounds good too.

Yeah, that's true. That could work. It could work. It could work. We wouldn't have to shoot it vertical. Oh, that's even better. So we don't even have to do it as like a snap exclusive or something. We could shoot it like with regular cameras.

Yeah, be interesting. And that theme song was written by David Berman who's been listening to us for a couple years and saw us live in Vancouver. Ooh, Vancouver. Man, that was a good show. That was a fun show. A good time. Yeah.

It was rainy that day, but ultimately the show was hot, hot fire. Gonna probably release this one on my album of similarly silly sounding songs. So if anybody likes video gamey sounding electrical music, electronic music, not electrical. Shout out to my band camp. Zilgy. Z-I-L-G-G-Y. Z-I-L. What is it?

L-G-G-Y. Two G's? Z-I-L-G-G-Y. Yeah. All right. Cool. Nice. And then he said, shout out to his friend's new child, Evie.

Or Evie. Evie. Yeah. Evie. That's kind of cool. Yeah. When 30, no, when 75%, three fourths of your name is one letter. That's kind of cool.

Yeah. That's true. That's really neat. Evie. Is there any other case of that? No way. A-L-A. Oh yeah.

I guess there's A-L-A-A. There's a basketball player named Allah Abdel Nabi. So that's like A-L-A-A. That's pretty good. That is cool. Can we cram in one more vowel? Can we go like O-O-N-O-O? Perhaps an U-A-Nu. U-A-Nu.

Yeah. That's cool. That is nice. Okay. How about this? Let's move on. You've done the name bit. I giggled.

It was fun. It was quirky. It was neat. It's quirky. Yeah. Let's not beat a dead horse. Okay. I was going to say like.

Imagine. We all liked it. Just take the accolade. Take the attaboy. Not to the golf clap and move forward with the podcast. Okay. Yeah. To you.

You. You. You peaked at U-Nu. And I fucking hubered you. U-Nu was like the second or third. Okay. That was like two and then one. And then you went to U-A-Nu.

And then you kept on fucking going. And it's like enough. I felt like I would have. Yeah. I wouldn't have stopped. I like need to hear this shit because like there's no way that I'm stopping at seven either. So thank you. That's like the kind of shit that likes constructive criticism.

And I hope I wasn't too harsh. No. You were harsh but it was needed. For sure. And like that's the kind of shit that I don't usually get. I surround myself with fucking yes men. And this is the kind of like pushback that I've. Yeah.

Yeah. I've been looking for an assistant. But that's really, really good. I got you. Yeah. I'm wondering if. Let's not dwell in the feedback. Like N-N-N-L-N-N.

You really get. You get lost in the wilderness of your own thoughts. You just want to pontificate on shit that just happened. Yeah. And you need to. You need to keep going. We should say that this is one of those rare instances where we're recording on a Monday morning instead of like the week before.

So it's already Monday, May 24th. This is going to be released Monday, May 24th. It's borderline live. Yeah. Basically live. Like our new public access TV station. Yeah. Oh, now it's a full station, not just a television show.

It's a channel. I mean, we can call it Jake and Amir now. And no one can sue our ass. So. So that's. Okay. How about this for an idea? We, the world is opening up.

I saw you, you know, we're starting to hang out with friends again. See people, which is a fun development. Yeah. We're potentially moving back into an office. Not our old Hedgham office, but a new Hedgham office. That's right. So one of those rooms is just a dedicated, constantly running 24 seven public access. TV show, web show.

It's all the same bullshit now. That's cool. If you're in there, you are on there and people can see you. So it's a meeting about whatever fucking ad sales. You got to mic yourself up because guess what? You're on live web stream. That's right. Yeah.

So this is a room basically dedicated to it's like a non secret open source room where there are no secrets in the room. It's right. It's like an always running live feed, no matter how personal the nature of the meeting, no matter how private it's public. If we're talking about like freelancers fucking rates and we're like negotiating them. That's all it's in that room. Yeah.

And the public will access them because it is a publicly access. Yes. It's an access room. So that's, I guess that's my pitch for the new office. I guess I have to, I have to pitch it in that room probably after like set it up and then have the first meeting there. That's gonna be like the first episode, the launch of this new channel. We can call it gotcha journalism.

That's really good. If we can even put a toilet in there. I guess bathroom. No. No. I think you have it again. You're thinking about fucking do it again. I keep doing this thing where I'm like taking everything like one step.

Yeah. You get too excited. You're like, you know, too far. You get too excited. I wanted to like take a dump in front of like thousands of people watching me on Ustream or some shit. And see that's where it even feels like you almost, it's not even like you got too excited and got there eventually.

It's like, I went right there. Yeah. I think you started there in your head and I think you did. I think you, the whole entire. Yeah. It was all a ramp up to this one moment, which is the actual thing you wanted, which is to have an office toilet cam so you can shit on the live screen. And that's sick.

It's depraved. It's fucked up. Yeah. No. That's um, and like it really helps to have you calling me out like that. Like I fucking need someone like that. I don't think it helps actually because I appreciate what you're saying that you think it helps, but I don't think it helps because it keeps happening.

And if it helped, then you would stop. Don't you think you would have changed if it was like, I love, yeah. And I love hearing that like that. Really? I need in a therapist. Yeah. Like I need to like fire everyone in my life and you have to replace them. carte blanche full access.

So like you're my friend. You're my fucking plumber. You're my therapist. You're everything. And you tell my rate for being your therapist would be pretty high, higher than like my rate for being your friend and way higher than for being your plumber. For your, yeah. For the friendship, I think we've said before I pay you $400 a month, how much would the

therapist be? Yeah. But the $400 a month, but that's the hours are capped. That's like, it's not like 400 gets you carte blanche. You don't have that. No, I don't know. Yeah. I can't afford carte blanche.

Yeah. I think you build me at like $3,500 once per week and I'm like, I can't. I don't think I can afford carte blanche. You can afford carte blanche because you also pay me $1,000 a month for the plumbing thing, which actually doesn't come into it. Yeah. It doesn't come into play. I haven't used it since the pandemic.

Right. Totally. But my toilet is like making a noise. And I advised you on that. And I advised you on that. And that's why I charge you. You advised me to hire a plumber. You advised me to hire a plumber.

I had hired you and you said, I don't know. I referred you to a colleague of mine. I referred you to a colleague. And I think for that I get a kickback, don't I? I paid him to help fix the toilet, which he didn't do, by the way. And then you build me for the fucking hat tip. You build me for the quote, add a boy who sent me an invoice for $150. Well, because that was a friend thing to do.

That was a friend thing to do. I give you the friend inside tip. I charge you the friendship inside tip fee, don't I? Yeah. I guess so. Yeah. I didn't look at the itemized bill. I just saw that you Venmo requested for it.

But yeah, I didn't read the invoice. I really appreciate it. Yeah. And I really thank you for sort of telling me like it is, like I've been saying. Yeah. You got it. All right. We wanted to do a lightning round edition of our show here.

Yes. We took to Twitter. That's right. We wanted to jam pack questions and answers. This is an advice show after all. It's called If I Were You. The only one on the web hosted by us, I'm Amir. I am Jake.

Some interesting ones in the Twitter sphere overnight. I think I tweeted this like at 11 p.m. So maybe it favored some UK slash Australian questions. That's why they're so fucked up. I mean, these guys are so fucking messed up in the head. Like, I don't know what the hell's going on in London and slash Sydney slash Perth. Really? Give me an example of an insane fucked up question.

Who would have a funnier death? Says code name punk boy. You are Jake. And then just LOL emojis. I mean, my God, that's dark. I don't think about who would have a weird. I don't think I'm going to have a weird death. I think I'm going to have a weird death.

I've said it multiple times. I think I'm going to die in a freak accident. I'm sorry anybody listening who loves me because Jill gets very upset when I say this. But I think it's better than the alternative, right? Yeah, but it's going to happen young is the problem. Oh, I see. Yeah, you don't want to do that. I'd love a freak accident when I'm 94.

That's a good way to go. Yeah, like an instant. Like, whoa, what happened there? Yeah, it was something. I don't know. We'll figure it out on the day like at the mortuary or whatever. But as of now, just know that he was probably, he choked on a can of tuna or something. No, you don't want to go choked.

That's not sudden enough. A can? I was eating a can. Well, you were suffering from late onset dementia. So then that's not sudden anymore, is it? Is that not exactly a sudden death at 94? Because I have dementia and that's how you're going to live. I don't think so.

Yeah. And then I eat a tuna can and I die? No. I don't know. That could be funny. Yeah, I mean, that's funny, but it's not how I, I thought we had sort of shifted into like how I want to go. I want like an air conditioner to fall on my head when I'm 90.

Let's say 98. That's good. That's nice. Like an happy Gilmore when their refrigerator lands on the Mista Mista lady. Yeah. That's right. And I will die with a stye in my eye. You really will.

That's right. An infection in my face that goes to my braces that I'll have as a 72-year-old lad. A fecal facial infection. Yeah. And that's an infection. It's sad to die. That's the problem that like every way to die is kind of sad because it's finally over. I mean, everything that you've built towards everything that you have is just instantly

in a minute, basically like a snap of the fingers you are gone, which is kind of insane to think big picture wise. And that's a turdy. And that's a fucking turdy. Getting in the mood of the comedy podcast. I was trying to be like, I was screaming for a second. Well, well, sincerely stop. Okay.

Why don't you sincerely don't do that ever again? You know, that was, I thought it would be interesting to go like the dramedy. Way too dour. How like some comedians are doing serious shit now. It could be like, what's up, Jake and Amir's take on something real. It brought me down. That was that was a low energy Jeb moment. Put it back in the lock box.

Al Gore. That's good. Did you get any questions? Yeah, I did. This was kind of interesting. It's this one actually, it's okay. It's from Ed. It says, have you guys ever had a falling out at any point in your friendship?

If so, how did you all figure it out? And did it change your guys relationship? I feel like there are so many comedy duos that have like a fraught relationship. And you and I never had like a, we never had like a breakup. We never had a blow up. Yeah. Should be, I don't know, figure something out for the new year when everything reopens up. Manufacture one for publicity.

Oh, we could do it in the public access toilet stream. That's good. So we have a fight in the toilet area and then like we unfollow each other on Insta and we pay someone to leak that information to our Reddit because most people probably wouldn't know. So we hire an intern to create an account now and then in six months have him be like, did you guys notice that Jake and Amir stopped following each other on Instagram and Twitter? And then somebody was like, who is this guy? It's probably like a fake person that they hired.

It's like, no, this guy's been posting and fucking commenting for six months. He's a real person. And then it's like, watch this on Monday. They won't release an episode because I think they're mad at each other. Everyone waits with bated breath. We actually don't release an episode. I tweet something like, hey, Jake's out of town, but then you post pictures on your Instagram of you like, you know, still just chilling in the city.

Yeah. With other friends. Right. Oh, I'm like a selfie of me in a recording studio. Like it should be there. Yes. And then I take a social media sabbatical, which is basically me not tweeting or posting anything because you usually don't post anything.

It won't like raise any eyebrows. But if I just stopped cold turkey, that would be like, whoa, what's going on here? We take, I don't know, three weeks off and release something a really stilted. Maybe I do a podcast without you. Maybe you do one without me or something like that. I call in from the road. I like, it's like we need to put something out, but we can't talk. We aren't speaking for advertisers.

Yeah, exactly. So I record one half without you and we're like, yeah, we're going to try something new and like in a fun way. I'll record with Ben and yeah, Jake will record with Jeffrey and then it's like a funny like mashup episode. But people at this point, the rumors are flying. Yeah, they don't know what's going on. They don't, they don't get it because they don't know, but they, it all links back to

this, um, the toilet cam video, which we're hoping is like some sort of gorilla viral marketing for the public access toilet that we launched in our fucking podcast studio. So what we really have to do is cut this part of the episode out because it's like, step by step, the plan. We can't play this. Yeah. Right. So why don't you ask me the question again.

Have you ever had a falling out and how did you repair your friendship? I don't think so. I think we've had a good time for this whole time. I think we're good to go. I don't see anything ever come in between us, brother. No, toilet cam or otherwise. All right. Nice.

And you just place that in and we'll move on to the next question. Um, is there a story behind Jake not changing his Twitter avatar for at least a full decade now? Has it been a decade? Have you not? No, I haven't. Is it a point of pride or you're just not thinking about it? I, I don't know.

It's, I guess, I mean, it's, it is that old ass photo. It's, yeah. It's literally a 13 year old photo. Yeah. I, I think I'm 20. I'm definitely like 23, 22 or 23 in that photo. Um, I think I just never, I never changed it. And there have been a couple of times where I was about to guys like, oh, this is really

old or someone's like tweeted at me that it was really old. And then I go to change it and I'm like, well, now I'm like nostalgic. It's my first ever photo. So it feels like it's old enough at this point that it's almost ironic. That's right. I don't know what I would change. First it was like outdated. And then it was like, oh, now it's kind of impressive that he's gotten this long.

Now it's a throwback. Do you still, do you still, I know you don't post a Twitter very much. Are you still checking it for news and notes? Um, I don't really check it for anything anymore. I go onto it sometimes to like reshare stuff that, uh, that you post. Um, or just like, you know, uh, post like an episode of a podcast or something I want to tell people about, but yeah, I, I'm not like, before I was like obsessively reading the news on Twitter and I thought that was bad for my mental health.

So I stopped. Interesting. Yeah. Um, and it's been great. Nice. I still use it just as much just through like basketball news. It just, everything is instantly there. You can't, you can't wait for these updates on ESPN.com.

You got to get the beat writers update on an injury situation the second it comes out or else you're out of date. So are you only following basketball, uh, news on Twitter just so you're like completely up to date on that? No, I have, I follow it looks like 654 people between comedians, uh, friends, uh, crypto stuff, and then also basketball stuff. Very interesting. Yeah.

I, I follow 33 people and I don't think any of them really make that much sense. Yeah. A lot of them are bots, it seems like that don't follow anyone. That's right. Yeah. QAnon bot, you're in a Twitter, Twitter ring with him. That one's not a bot. That one has some good, good, um, there's a photo of you at this, this con, this Q convention.

Holy shit. Really. I meant to post that on my other Twitter. Hold on. You're on parlor tonight. When did this happen? Fuck. Fuck.

Hold on. You've been radical. I used. Uh, all right. Let's take a break. The sponsors come back and answer some more cues after this. Thank you to stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show, visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a

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You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four week trial, free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show. And to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast, you know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct.

I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why.

As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family.

You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. Really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah. Frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame.

We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. She misheard it or something like that.

Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura.

Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift.

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And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back. No one solicited this episode. We're going to just cram some more cues into our A-holes. We got questions to get to. Yeah. That's right. By the way, I wanted to ask you, now that you're socializing more, do you find like it's affecting you physically?

Like I hung out with people for the first time. And like after like six hours, like I'm like, I don't think I've like spoken and laughed for like six hours straight before. I'm like, I feel like mentally fatigued and like my throat hurts from talking and laughing this much. I haven't done that for over a year. Yeah. Definitely. I think I like went to dinner with some people and at the end I was just like completely drained. But we spent the weekend upstate with like two friends of ours on Saturday night and we were with them for like 24 hours.

And if that felt good, normal, didn't feel like. Right. I was crashing. You've been around two people before. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't been to like, I have not seen like a group of people yet though. Interesting.

Yeah. Keep me posted on that. Because you saw a group and you were like completely drained. Yeah. By the end of it, like, wow, I've been talking and sort of laughing and eating like for the first time in over a year, I think. That sounds awesome. How did it feel? Fried.

Before you got tired. It felt a little weird because we were indoors without masks for the first time. Yeah. You get used to it. It's just like, you know, you start to forget that 16 months of your life went by where you didn't do it. It's true. I went to the gym this morning and the mask was lifted last week. So I've worked out a CrossFit now thrice with no mask.

Wow. Yeah. I've yet to do indoors with strangers. Only friends. With people I know. Yeah. Like make you, you can't work out without a mask unless you show your vaccine card. And that's another thing.

Big roll up doors. So it's kind of indoor, outdoor. But still, like, just working out without a mask is like fucking glorious. It's crazy. Old school. Do you carry that vaccination card? It's in my wallet. I have, but I also, I have a photo of it on the phone.

Yeah. I folded it in half. So there's like a digital passport in New York state now too. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Cause I was going to laminate it, you know, to like keep it in pristine condition. Then it's like, if I take it anywhere, it doesn't fit in anywhere unless it's like folded. A vaccine passport thing on your phone?

Maybe, but I don't know about it now. Google it. I bet you have it. You should have one. All right. Back to the questions. Of course. Here, here we go.

You have a, you have a very quick, and I think you've thought about this before, maybe for Goat Show, favorite shape of pasta asks Ilarra and favorite pasta sauce. You already know the answer to this, don't you? Yeah, I do. I have a, well, there's a couple, there's a couple different shapes that I like. Yeah. There's pasta shapes or? Well, there's a couple, there's a couple of the goats.

Okay. I'll run through them. There's, okay. Okay. Hold on. Cause let me, I don't want to get the name of the actual goat incorrect. Cause there's. No, yeah.

Yeah. I'm sorry. Go ahead. Excuse me. Oh no. I was just going to like, let me, let me just throw mine out there is while you fucking do this research that you've done. This Google Doc, this triple elimination tournament that you had to determine your favorite shape.

Of course. I'm a broad noodle man. You know what that means? That means tagliatelle. I want that thick ribbon style pasta. It's a spaghetti that's been flattened to the fucking size of a fruit by the foot. And as for the ragu, I think I'll be eating wild boar with it. And for whatever reason, you can only get boar on tagliatelle at a restaurant.

So there you have it. You look a good broad noodle. You right. I'm a broad noodles man with a beefy sauce. A beefy. So do you say a bow tie pasta? Is that what you? No, I didn't say that actually.

What I said multiple times was a broad tagliatelle. I did not say a bow tie pasta. Tagliatelle. Thank you. Yeah. A broad that. So I need it to look like a fruit by the foot. Ideally I want it to look like a slap bracelet that goes on and on and on.

That's not bad. A jump rope in length. It's like basically a slightly thinner pad tie or pad CU noodle. It's a pad CU, but instead of rice noodles, it's pasta. Yeah. And it's fine, but it's not the goat. I think that the worst pasta is angel hair because there's not enough there. All right.

And I don't like any pasta that you have to twirl. I think that it's, they're all pretty good. It's a thin. Spaghetti's good. The tagliatelle. Great. Let me preface this. First of all, by saying that every pasta is pretty good.

They're all pretty great even except for angel hair because there's not enough there. Okay. Yes. Okay. Okay. Okay. So I think a budget pick, just a fun, a fun one to see, to see around is. By the way, all pasta is pretty budget.

That's like 78 cents a box. Yeah. So yeah, what's the budget pick, which is like 38 cents a bag. I'm not even talking about cash. I'm just talking about like a budget as in like, it's not around often. So it's good to see it. So it's a scarcity thing. Yeah.

And it's a few silly. Okay. Cause it is silly. And it's kind of fun to see. It's a little springy. It's good. It holds the sauce. It actually really holds the sauce.

It holds the sauce pretty good, doesn't it? Just fucking say your goat pasta. I'm gonna say the goat. We don't have to go through this. It's piperigate. Piperigate. What's that? It's, I don't know how to pronounce it cause I'm not Italian.

It's pipe regate. P-I-P-E. Pipe? Pipe regate. R-I-G-A-T-E. It's basically a rigatoni that's pinched on the end that turns it into a little bit of a shell. Okay. I see.

It's sort of like a semi-circle. It's a tubular circle that's cut in half in the middle. It's pinched. So it's got a little sauce pocket. It's a little bowl for the pasta. It's a little rainbow. Yeah. It's really, and it's got the, you can witness the thickness of that noodle right there.

It's a good thickness. It's got nice ribbing, and it has nice ribbing. Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm speaking right now. I know. This is a fucking podcast. It's an elegant conversation.

If I can finish, it's got an elegant profile for a pasta, doesn't it? It's unique. I don't know. Excuse me. An elegant profile? What does that mean? Don't shush me. You do not shush me.

You're speaking over me. You cannot do that. And it's got the bowl. It's got the dish. It's got the cup. It has the scoop for the goop for that pasta sounds. Which cereal mascot could you beat in a fist fight? I think just about all of them.

Tony Tiger, you could give me a run for my money. Jesus, you switched gears so quickly. You were so invested in the pasta. And then you had Tony the Tiger ready to go instantly. I think you have ADD or something like that. That was by Philly Schober. I assume we can both beat the Leprechaun. He's a small man, lucky charms.

Two can. I feel bad punching a bird in the beak. To assert my dominance over the cereal. That's a lopsided face to be sure. Tony the Tiger seems pretty jacked actually. Plus he's a Tiger. I would like my chances. He's great.

But I think Count Chocula, I could fucking destroy him. I could own Count Chocula. I wouldn't just punch his ass. I would fucking stab him with a steak, a wooden steak. And as for the smacks frog, I would actually hit him with a baseball bat. That's what I would do. I would snap, crackle, and pop. I would snap, crack him, pop with a baseball bat to the dome.

You know what I'm saying? Jesus Christ. I was kidding. Fred Flintstone, he just got Flint's owned. That's right. Fruity pebbles. I don't think so. You do like that.

And as for the magic spoon cereal mascot. Who's the, what's the, I don't even know if they have, they should add mascots though. What's the cinnamon toast crunch? What is that mascot? It's just a chef. It's just a guy with the fucking chef hat, right? Yeah. And is that different than the Rice Krispie three chefs?

It seems like they're the same three. Snap, crackle, and pop are little elf chefs for Rice Krispie. But aren't cinnamon toast crunch also three chefs? I don't think so. I thought it was just, oh, maybe it is three chefs, but they're just three older guys. I know. Yeah. It looks like three chefs.

So there's three chefs for them and then also for Rice Krispies. That's weird. That's kind of weird. Rice Krispies. It's also weird that serials have mascots at all and no other food has a mascot. Yeah. Rice Krispie has snap, crackle, and pop. That makes sense.

Cinnamon toast crunch almost doesn't need a mascot because it's that good of a cereal. It's just, I think it's just, oh wait, that's so weird. It is just three chefs. One kind of really steals the show. I feel like they shifted to just the white haired chef guy. Yeah. But chef Wendell, but originally there were three, which is interesting. That must be the most fun part of making a cereal.

Anybody can be like, yeah, it's like fucking graham crackers, but small now, golden grams, but it's like, all right, now let's get to the brass tacks. It's the animated fucking person, animal, or thing that's hawking this shit. Like for Cookie Krispies, it was that like bandit and policeman, right? Because he was constantly getting stolen because that's how good the cereal was. And there was always the dip. Like the Trix rabbit was never allowed to have Trix. Yeah, he just always wanted, like Trix are for kids.

The rabbit couldn't have it because the kids wanted it. Uh-huh. And then there were some mascots that were allowed to have the cereal. Yeah, that they loved the cereal. Because like the leprechaun, lucky leprechaun, they would often steal his lucky charms. So he wouldn't, he was also not allowed to have the cereal. But the toucan, toucan Sam was allowed to have as much fucking fruit loops as he wanted, the greedy little fowl.

Yeah, I guess. But I don't know, that seems like the easiest part. Like you just like, I don't know, there's like a fucking animal. Like it could literally be any animal. All right, so come up with. What's like. Okay, sorry. There's like a backstory.

The easiest part is coming up with the mascot? Yeah, the mascot or the animal, yeah. Or it could be, it could even be an animal. Yeah, of course it can be an animal. Several of the cereals had animals. So that's not like an animal. Exactly, yeah. Okay, yes.

And they're all animated. Like it's never just like a picture of a lion and we like, hey, have some of this honeycombs. No, that's not it, man. I know that is not it. Yeah. Like there's no way a bee would fly out of a Honey Nut Cheerios box and you'd be excited to see him. But since it's like the, since it's like an animated bee, it's cute.

It's like you're figuring out why mascots are good for the first time. But everybody else is already there. Is already there. So yeah, sure. Go ahead. If you think it's so easy, come up with a cereal and a mascot. Okay. The, it's chocolatey like flakes and there's like sunny the bird and he's like cuckoo for

coming away. He's like Gaunts insane. He's cuckoo for cuckoo brand or something. Right. Or even if it's chocolate puffs. That's not really. Okay. So now you've stolen, you've stolen a mascot from Coco Puffs.

There's a bird who's cuckoo for them for cuckoo. It's similar. It's the same. It's not similar. It's the exact same. You even eventually shifted to the cereal from flakes to puffs. Yeah. Chocolate puffs.

Yeah. Chocolate. Coco puffs. So it's a bird named Sunny or Money or Runny or whatever. Is that even, that might even be the bird's name. Yeah. Or fine. How about this?

It's a fucking, the cereal is eggs. Little eggs. Little. Right. Okay. Are they real eggs? Are they actually tiny little eggs? Or do they look like eggs?

It's kind of like. Syrupy ass eggs. Disgusting. Okay. What's fine. But you didn't say that that would be easy. So it's hard to come up with a cereal. The mascot for the eggs.

The mascot would be a chicken that's like. They're coming out of my ass. Because he's basically laying that. Yeah. He's basically laying eggs. You're cursing on the box. I know. So you, you want your, the children eating the cereal to, to have the eggs and the

chicken thing. It's coming out of my ass. Do you feel like that's an appropriate message to convey to consumers, little children? Do you feel like that's going to make people want to. Eat cereal? The maple eggs? Kellogg's, Kellogg's maple eggs. Yeah.

You think they're brand like Kellogg's. Yeah. They're not going to, they're not going to accept that as a cereal. The chicken's name is Charlie because it's always like Charlie the chicken. Charlie the chicken's fine. Yeah. Charlie the chicken's pretty, that's good. But why does, why is his catch phrase, it's coming out of my ass.

Well, let's fucking, yeah, let's pitch on it then, but don't say the whole idea is bad because I feel like we're starting out. The cereal's also bad, but we're leaving that aside because. Maple eggs? Kellogg's maple eggs. They're coming out of my ass. You just did a new voice. You just turned it into Tony the Tiger.

Fine. Then it's, they're coming out of my ass. We don't, it's like a, I don't have an issue with the voice. The slogan is a problem. The coming out part or the last word? The, I mean really the entire thing, but especially the last word. They're coming out of me would also be disgusting. Oh, that's not bad actually.

Yes it is. The chicken's name is Mimi, right? M-I-I. He said it was Charles. No, it's not even alliteration, so it's not fun to say. Actually, let's bring it back to the top. I-I-M-I-I is her name. It's a female mascot, which I think doesn't exist, which is kind of, honestly, I'm speaking

truth to power when I say it's sexist to have it that way. To Kellogg's. Now you're actually coming up with something. Yes. Okay, that's good. Female chicken, which I think all chickens are anyway, by definition. That's right. Named Emi, a I-I-M-I-I.

Emi. And it's a maple egg that comes out of her. Oh, they're, they're coming out of my, not twat, but something like where it's like. Yeah, so bad. So bad. I wonder if there's a word that means that part of the chicken without necessarily having to say what. I hope we'll see you on a box of cereal.

All right, I'm glad you have some fucking sense of shame around that. But you still. Eat em. Okay. How about double entendre? Kellogg's maple eggs. Eat em out of my box. So it's like the chicken.

Yeah. Disgusting. It's a cereal box. Disgusting. Emi-mi? I-I-M-I-I. Emi. Emi.

Just eat me. Eat em out of my box. And then you can basically eat it with whatever you want. Almond milk, 2%. Like, yeah. Yeah, there's no reason to, to fucking add milk to the end of your pitch. Okay. Kellogg's passed.

Part of about breakfast is all. They've passed on your house. In the room? Yeah, in the room. Or they're going to have to talk about it. On the Zoom. They passed on the Zoom. There are no new cereals, by the way.

It feels like we, we created them all in 1958 and then we're just coasting. Like corn flakes, frosted flakes, fruit loops. These have all been around since I was born. Yeah. Let's switch it up. Pops. Pops was good. Pops also had-

Gotta have my pops. Gotta have my pops. We should be pitching two Magic Spoon because they make fun cereal. It's new. It's good. It's not terrible for you. This is not even an ad. I just personally like them.

But they don't have the mascot. That's what we need to put on the box. We need to add a mascot. And I don't think it should be Emi or Emi. I was wondering, yeah, I was wondering if it should be Emi. Because I've already sort of fully fleshed out this backstory. By the way, you haven't fully fleshed out anything. There's a farmer that tries to eat her.

That's pretty good. And the farmer's kind of a bad guy in the world. And now we're sort of developing IP around it and it can be a cartoon. A cartoon, yeah. A Sunday morning cartoon. Why would the farmer be wanting to eat Emi? Because she's a chicken. Right.

Like in theory, it's an egg-laying chicken. So the farmer kind of knows where his bread is buttered. Well, he already has a bunch of chickens that lay real eggs. And Emi's sort of this magical chicken that only lays this maple egg cereal thing. That's not really good for business on the farm. So it's an egg shape. It's not an actual egg. It's kind of like a puff or something as the same as kicks might be.

Don't consider it. Probably better than what I was thinking, which is going to be cereal box filled with eggs. You haven't had an idea yet. You haven't had an idea. Charlie the chicken was pretty good. Making Charlie the chicken more feminine, pretty good. Giving Emi the chicken a nemesis. I think that's pretty good, farmer.

I'm on board. But everything else, because your idea was eggs in a box and you said they're coming out of my ass, twat and box. And you said pussy at one point. So for that reason, I'm out. That I honestly needed to hear that. You did? That's the kind of like shit that like drives me because like I need an origin story where

everyone tells me no and I figured out a way to make it happen. Captain Crunch actually isn't bad in terms of like an unable admiral themed. Who's in charge of cereal. Yeah. Yeah. But Captain Crunch is just Lucky Charms without the marshmallows, isn't it? Yeah. It's similar.

I think Lucky Charms are a little more like Cheerios and Captain Crunch is like that real puffy, sweet, fake, corn cereal style. Fuck it. Was Apple Jacks just another B? How many times did they recycle the goddamn B mascot? I thought Apple Jacks was a, yeah, was Apple Jacks a frog? Oh, it was a frog. I was a frog.

I'm just thinking it was. All right. Okay. But I will say that there's also a frog for like smacks and stuff. So we might be getting confused because right now I'm looking up Apple Jackson. It looks like quite frankly a demented Apple sort of MTV character from the early 90s with giant bug eyes and a demonic smile. So maybe that's what Apple Jacks is now.

That seems fucking, that seems like, oh my God, is that what it, that must be what it is now, right? Or was it always? Yeah. It looks like Toe Jam and Earl because it's, he's also hanging out with a cinnamon stick. Apple Jacks looks like it was the last cereal invented because it looks like the mascot was made in 2001 or something. Yeah.

Or at the very least the last one that updated, but because there's some really old boxes of Apple Jacks and like the original mascots were just like two Charlie Brown looking as kids just like smiling and hanging out next to a bowl of cereal. Wow. There should be a cereal podcast, a deep dive. We'll call it cereal, but spelled like the food and not like the other podcast named cereal. That's right.

All right. Thanks to the inspo. Let's take another break. Come back and yes, answer more questions. We really got to get through more questions. That's right. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp.

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Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data.

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Ellie Rose Bird writes, what do you think would be the best videos to get someone new into Jake and Amir, ie the best vids that give a good sense of the characters? My BF and I have been dating for seven months and I just don't know where to start to make him a fan. Jesus, this is actually, I don't know the answer to this, but this is like a common question in our Reddit and like a lot of people have like laid out very thoughtful like playlists. I think that's good. Yeah.

I think that's what I would refer Ellie to as well. Yeah. Search on our Reddit. Reddit r slash Jake and Amir, like somebody is like, start with this episode and then go to this one because of this and then at this point you could do this one and it's giving it a lot more. It's a little roadmap. Okay.

Great. Yeah. Actually fuck it. Show him Ace and Jocelyn five, then stare at him and ask him if he thinks these two grown up acting like morons is funny and if not show an episode. Ally part three. That's what's up. And if he doesn't like that, can I recommend party down season two?

So you sort of do a hard pivot into something that's like also a comedy, but ideally something else that we didn't do. Okay. Faith writes, my nephews Benet Mitzvah is in July. They want cash. Is that what I give them? Yeah. Probably.

That's what they want. Throw some money at them. I was thinking about various gifts when you were a kid the other day about how like sometimes people would give you clothes and you're like, I get all my clothes from my mom for free. And sometimes my mom would give me clothes like a sweater on Hanukkah and it's like this actually isn't a gift mom. You get also gave me a sweater two weeks ago, four weeks ago and literally every day until today.

So I don't think this is a gift. I think you feed me and clothes me. That's the default. Clothes. That's a take. Clothes aren't a gift. When you're a kid and everything is free, that's like, yeah, giving me a gift card to my mom's home cooking.

Like I'm getting that already. Thank you. Yeah. A box. You don't have to give me that. No. Yeah. I have that.

I already do got my pops. That's carte blanche access to the fucking snack cupboard. I have that already. You don't have to give that to me. I remember my my friend's sister was invited to my bar mitzvah and her boyfriend gave me a book for my bar mitzvah as the gift and like, you know, sure, thoughtful or whatever, but like, I will never forget opening the box and like seeing a book and be like, what the hell is this?

A 13 year old boy getting a book called, I think it was called like silent coup for my bar mitzvah. It's so funny that you know, but that's what you do. I won't be reading this. But you only remember because it was bad. That's right. I'll never forget getting a book and what the title of the book was. Every other good gift was completely forgotten and erased from my brain.

I remember after my bar mitzvah sitting in my friend Joe's room with like the big shoe box full of cards and just opening each one up and they were all checks and adding all of the cash up. And I was so excited. So happy. Yeah. That's right. But like, really it's like your parents that are happy.

Like they're the ones getting the money and it's sort of like reimbursing for the bar mitzvah that they just did. Yeah. Like why am I happy? Bar mitzvahs are expensive and everyone gives you the gift of cash with your, with your parents then used to recoup their costs. Yeah. But you were opening it with your friend and it's like your parents weren't there.

Yeah. They weren't there. Wow. And it's like $180. I'm going to buy three Genesis games and your parents are like, no, we'll take that money too. Yeah. I brought all the checks home and I was like, all right, signed the back of them.

You're mine. No. Of course. It can't be a super Nintendo. What the hell, dad? You didn't do shit. I'm the one that learned the half Torah. Well, he's at the bank.

Yeah. You didn't do shit, dad. I'm the one who held the Yad and I deserve to be a God. Give me $60. Triple high. I'm beginning to feel like a Yad God. Yad God. Are you seriously telling me the dancers that the DJ brought cost you cash?

I don't get that. That was a party. Everyone was just happy for me. By the way, we already knew how to do the Macarena, so I don't know what they were fucking explaining that shit for. Believe me, we know how to fucking electric slide. So what we paid for all the like little inflatable guitars that everyone got? Well, let's get those back.

I didn't realize. Another funny story about my bar mitzvah and the DJ was we had like a dance at school or something in seventh grade, and the DJ was going to be the DJ at my bar mitzvah. And then at the school dance, everyone was making fun of the DJ, and I was like, holy shit. I'm fucked. This is the guy that everyone hates. He's going to fucking be at my bar mitzvah.

You realize that's fucking social cancer? I can't have the shitty DJ that everyone at the school has already seen and made fun of being in charge of my party, but I was too nervous, shy and introverted to say. No. I was just like, oh, God, I really hope nobody remembers that this guy was the DJ. By the way, all DJs are the same. They're all fine. They're all doing the same thing.

They'll play the exact same songs, do the exact same things. Yes. I mean, in my town, it was just this, there was no options. It was just DJ Ari. He did everyone's bar mitzvah every weekend. Yeah. You always saw him. The same guy, same dancers, just a different venue, but everything else was the exact same.

Right. And the venue is pretty much the same just in a different banquet hall. They're all kind of the same bar mitzvah. Interchangeable. Yeah. J8VRM, Frappo the Week asks, have either of you guys gone overnight backpacking? And if so, where? And did you like it?

And if not, is that something you'll ever do? A lot of acorns for a mirror, depending on the trail. You love that? Ha, ha, ha. Come on. Ha, ha, ha, actually. I have a sense of humor about it. It's funny.

I do have a sense of humor. That's why I'm fucking laughing. You're not laughing. Asshole's face. Breaking out. You're having a meltdown. You just spun out. You didn't have to read that out loud.

Never gone overnight backpacking. No. You went on like a kayak trip. Wasn't that like a backpacking trip? That's right. Yeah, you're right. What's that? I guess I've never gone with a tent in my backpack and I'm like, I'm going to walk

for 18 miles, set up shop, pack it up, walk for another 18, set up shop. That's legit. Yeah. I've never done that either. I've gone camping a bunch and I used to think that I wanted to go backpacking. But now, I don't know if I, you just need so much gear. You need the gear and you need the special kind of gear that needs to be light and then you need to hike with a fucking 20 to 30 pound backpack on that has every single thing that

you're carrying. It's pretty insane. I would love to go on a backpacking trip with somebody that knows what they're doing and they have the gear. I help carry it and they know the spots. Planning a backpacking trip sounds very hard and stressful and the mistakes that you make could be really costly. I don't want to be in charge, but I'd be down to go.

High-risk, high-reward, yeah. Yeah, so Frappo organized a trip for me and Jake, yeah. But why is it so much better than just regular camping where you take hikes and come back to the tent that you already set up? That's the most annoying part. You finally set up a tent and then in the morning, you break it down. You get somewhere else. You have to do it all over again.

I think that it's like... Anyway, that's the kind of attitude I'll bring to the camping trip. So you wake up with a pristine view surrounded by nothing, total seclusion, and you say, why is this better than camping in the lot? Tell me how this is better than a holiday in Express. Does your outlet work in your car? I'm not getting any bars. I have a TikTok feed to scroll through.

To get into the Olympic spirit, right, Super Steve, I guess the Olympics are coming up. We forgot that they were delayed for a year and they may not happen soon. I love the Olympics. I'm so amped. I'm excited as hell. What event in track and field do you think you and Jake would be best at? I think prob... It would have to be...

Not good, but what would you be the best at? Would we be best at? I think for me, it would be some kind of long-distance run because I have a will that won't quit. I don't have the raw athletic ability for a pole vault or a shot put or a javelin. I could run through pain and not stop because I'm not supposed to yet. I don't think I would be doing it fastest, but I would at least finish that event. Like a 5,000 meter, 5K, so you're just running basically. That's probably my best bet.

But not sprinting either. Just pretty fast running and running through, oh, my hip flexors hurt. My calves are strained, but I'm going to finish the race. I just walk it out from here, but otherwise I'm overall fine. Actually, fuck it, shot put. Modern hip tathalon for me. Thank you for asking. That's javelin, shot put, discus, meniscus, as in I just tore my knee trying to figure

out how to get this frisbee to go far. And did I mention I have to pull out of the hurdles because my leg actually really hurts and my hammy's tight? And that ain't right. And finally, steeple chase. Put me in a round and let me splash when I fall down. Seeple chase seems like it would be the most fun because you get to get wet. Yeah, where do they put that?

They just put fucking hurdles that are more sturdy than regular hurdles. And then puddles, that can't be where the actual normal races are run. You can't just start digging up holes and putting water in the actual track. It's not like an inner track and it's like with tarps and shit or something. Yeah, a slip and slide or some shit. Man, I can't wait for the Olympics though. I love the tathalon. That is my shit.

Are they definitely happening? I feel I keep hearing like mixed reports about whether Japan is equipped to handle international travel to such a degree. Interesting. I haven't been looking at reports, but I wouldn't be surprised if that was in the ether. And that would be sad because I was really sad last year when they got canceled. Yeah, I guess you could just vaccinate literally everybody in that country and hope for the best.

Yeah. It was a really nice sports day yesterday. I don't know if you heard, but... How would I have? Yeah, one of my favorite Formula One drivers got on the podium in Monaco. That's pretty... Really? It's a pretty big deal.

Shout out to Carlos Sainz. Who? Carlos Sainz in the Ferrari. Yeah. Okay. Okay. That's... Okay.

It's actually a really big deal because... Yeah, that's like the highest he's ever finished, but okay. And then the other big deal was Tottenham, Hotspur. They came back from down 2-1 against Leicester to beat them 4-2, finishing ahead of Arsenal at number seven on the Premier League table, which means they are in the Europa Conference League. So they're in the European League. It's a big deal.

Okay. And then what about LeBron, your Laker friends? I looked at the scores to shame LeBron lost, shame the Knicks lost, but all in all, it was a perfect day and I care a little about basketball. Carlos Sainz, you have at this point above LeBron James in terms of what you're rooting for to happen. He won Monaco, was it? He didn't win Monaco.

He got second place. He didn't win. First stop in one. He can't fucking touch Max Verstappen, okay? No one can. No one can. But Sainz was like fourth in the race, he was starting from the fourth position to finish second.

Not that much. Yeah, it's actually really good in Monaco because you don't, there's not a lot of overtaking in Monaco. It's not that kind of course. You don't really pass. You don't get fucking passed in Monaco. It's a street course. You don't fucking, yeah, it's hard.

All the Sainz were there, Carlos or otherwise. I like that. All right. A few more questions. Fine. If there was only one award to be given for this episode, asks Bend33, who does it go to and why? Interesting.

So there's only one award. Mira already won the turdy. You got the turdy. There was only one award. There was only one turdy award. You earned it early on with your Cobb performance about life. That's the only award. I took home the golden mic for shouting out my man Sainz and you didn't know shit about

the Monaco Grand Prix. So what? Why did you add that in there? You could have gotten the golden mic. You got the golden mic. You already gave me the turdy. So I like reference and I didn't know shit about the Monaco Grand Prix. The whole fucking chicken egg cereal thing.

I mean, he's just suffering through that insane premise. Gives me the golden mic. I really feel like. I don't know. Would you say you suffer fools? I don't suffer fools. I don't think I do suffer fools. And that's one of the reasons why I get the golden mic for not suffering your ass.

That's really cool. All right. Do you have a last question that sparked joy to you? Yeah. Yeah, I do. Excuse me. Okay. Yeah, sure.

Whenever you can. Yeah. Let's hear it. Oh, actually, this is great. It's on theme. You know, Harry Kane leaving Tottenham Hotspurs. Am I worried about our best player leaving the team? Where would he go?

Man City, Chelsea, Michael Abroad could go to LA Galaxy, Barcelona, Paris. You know, he just, he wants to go somewhere where he can win trophies and he can't do that at Tottenham. Though he did win a trophy. He got the golden, the golden boot. The golden mic. Actually, it's pretty cool. Yeah.

He gets the golden boot. I get the golden mic. I think that's really neat. Me and Harry, me and Harry Hotspur share, share some fucking hardware. That's pretty neat. I like that. Okay. Yeah.

Am I worried? Yes. I'm, I'm worried, but also I respect him and kind of agree. I kind of agree with him. So you're a Hotspur fan that's like, our best player should leave because he could win elsewhere. I mean, I love him. He did.

He's done a really great job and I would, I'd prefer for him to stay. But if he left, I wouldn't be like, fuck this guy. I would be like, good on you, brother. Go on. Carry on, you wayward spur. Yeah. Carry on. Coys.

Coys! All right. Cool. That's it. That's our show. That's enough. We got, we got them all here. We got to get through them all.

Yeah. I want some more videos of us, uh, if, uh, our Patreon, patreon.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com. com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com. T it right away. Thank you for listening. We'll be back next week. Peace. Ciao everybody. There's a podcast that I know, and the town's a little bro, but if you're confused, it can be a dojo. If you're troubled to these dudes, seek advice from teachers. They may know a little more than you know. It's easy to get lost in this world that we brought. You should take a little time, it's true. Just open up your heart and the healing can start after emailing if I were you.

Gold in my 2J, and he gets the 30. He looks real deservedly. If I were you. That was a hit gum original.