If I Were You - 49: Jewish (with Micah Hurwitz)

Episode Date: December 30, 2013

Jake's little brother joins us to discuss religion, ex-boyfriends, and breaking Jake's nose.This episode is brought to you by SlugBooks.com! Don't ever pay full price for college textbooks again -- just go to SlugBooks.com/Amir or SlugBooks.com/Jake to buy and save.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Yo, a lot of us in this world get stuck in difficult places, sticky situations, or snafus. Sometimes we lack self-awareness or an objective perspective, but there's two guys who can help us and simultaneously make us laugh. That's right. There's Jake. He hopes he swiped right his wife, but let's face it, his life is a big left swipe. He needs female affection, sex with no connection. He's a clean-cut guy with a fairly white complexion and a mirror.

The bright-eyed handsome Jew, a tad bit nerdy, but he's got welcome puke. So let me welcome you to the sickest new podcast hosted by two Jews, if I were you. So? Nailed it. Better? Finally, yeah. I think that was actually Eminem. And we thank you, Marshall.

That was actually a rough cut of Rap God. Yeah, insane. That was slowed down from three seconds. He did it so quickly, and we slowed it down, and it sounded exactly like you'd lose yourself. Crazy. It's actually our second lose-yourself theme song. The first one went off the rails a little bit, but this one, this one he really figured it out.

This one reeled it in. Now it is a guy named Sammy. Thanks, Sammy. Appreciate it. Appreciate it. This is, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake.

And we have a little helper, special guest dude today. A little elf. A little elf. How condescending. We got a little helper. Yeah. We got a special little guy here. A little intern.

Hey. Hey, pal. We're here with Jake's little brother, Micah. Micah, say hi. Hey, I'm honored to be here. You are mortified to be here. You hate it. You're holding the microphone like a stinky banana.

Get right up in there. The stinky thing in this room is your socks. I've never... Micah was like, I think I smell bad, and then he's like, I can't tell. Oh, maybe it's my socks. And then I smelled them, and it smelled like, instead of a foot in there, it was a log of shit. Really?

Like, it's feet for shit. I can... I'm pretty far away from his socks right now, and I can smell them. It smells like wet sweat. Got to go in like a turbo vet. I'm embarrassed. What? I'm publicly shamed.

Yeah, well, we'll get really... Hold my microphone closer. Yeah. Yeah. No one's going to be able to hear you unless you... Yeah. Yeah. I'm not putting you on blast right now, just so we just want people to hear you.

Okay. That's all. That looks great. That's perfect. Good. How's college going for you? We don't really get to interact with many college people. Yeah, it's pretty good.

It's pretty good so far. It's not pretty good. It's amazing. It's amazing. What year are you? I'm a second year. sophomore? sophomore?

Yeah. Where do you go to college? UC Santa Barbara. I'm asking because I'm not trying to like enlighten our audience. I literally have no idea. I haven't spoken to my brother in four years. It's weird. Yeah.

It's crazy being here. Yeah. And this is what you wanted to do? Yeah. This reunion to have it on a podcast? I guess. I don't give a fuck. I do.

This is my house. This is my home. You bring this vagrant, this transient, this shit-footed ass. You shit-footed ass. He's hiding his feet. You ever heard of someone who's sure-footed? Micah's shit-footed. And that's for shit.

So, Micah, I know you've never seen anything Jake's ever done. So let me explain to you how this little podcast show works. Basically, people write in their difficult places. They're in need of advice, basically, in some way, shape or form. And so they'll email us and we do our best to answer these questions and help these people out of their predicaments. Sometimes it's just us two. And sometimes we have a guest and we've figured, hey, you're here. You might as well chime in with a 20-year-old's perspective.

You're really downplaying. Sometimes it's just us. Sometimes we have a guest and today we have a little dude. A little half-Jake, I suppose. We can give you less of a microphone. Actually, I'm just going to cut that cord right there. You just hold this dummy mic. Micah's unplugged in.

It's like when you let a kid shave with a razor with no blade. What we're doing right now, Micah's sitting on Jake's lap and they're sharing a microphone. We're going to let you drive, bud. That sound. All right. Are you ready to try to help us out? Hell yeah. All right.

Don't get too confident, actually. It's just going to be the brothers, actually. I think you're done in the podcast. Yeah, Micah. It's going to be the real brothers, me and Jake. No, the real brothers, you and Micah. Oh, what? Yeah.

I know. It's also one of those episodes that we're drinking a little during the show. Oh, yeah. Another special one. Not Micah, though. He's 20. Oh, of course. I mean, he can't drink.

Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding. I would never smoke weed. On the show. On the show. Yeah. All right.

We're going to ask you some fun stuff. By the way, I would smoke weed on the show. Just so we know. All right. We should do an episode where we're high. I'm afraid to do that. That's dangerous. Because you don't want anyone to know that you smoke weed.

I've smoked a marijuana joint before, actually. It just gets me a little introspective. I smoked a fatty. I'm not sure I'll be funny on it. That's the problem. I contemplate my life by accident. Shit gets, like, sad when I'm on it, actually. All right.

You want to dive right in? Let's do it. All right. These are real. Excuse me. Frog in my throat. Actually, I think Micah's putting a spell on me. I think it's the stench from his socks.

It's like oozing down my esophagus. Well, to be fair, you have his toe in your mouth. This is green steam. All right, all right, all right. What's a good theme for these fake names? Do you have any, like, TV show or movies that you know a lot of characters from? Yeah, me neither. The Lord of the Rings.

Okay, Lord of the Rings. That sounds good. We might have done that already. That's okay. That's okay. All right, go ahead. It's episode 49 or whatever. We can fudge a little bit.

Fair enough. So this one comes from, give me a guy's name from Lord of the Rings. Gimli. Gimli. Nice. Quick with Gimli. He does have a Gimli tattoo. All right, Gimli writes,

Hey guys, I've got a girl problem. This year, my dad got a new job and my entire family had to move. For the first few weeks at my new school, I knew literally nobody. And my first real friend was a girl in my band class. It turns out we're interested in a lot of the same things. So we started hanging out almost every day for the next month. I finally got the courage to ask her out and she said yes. Sounds great, right?

Nope. Turns out she's a Jew. I'm a passionate atheist and can never be in a serious relationship with a Jew. Should I break things off or stick around and try to get some? I know you guys like to make fun of people, but I would really appreciate some serious advice as well. Thanks, Gimli. Oh, Gimli.

You had a perfect game going, Gimli. Fall on your ax, sir. How dare you? This story got 99% towards Happily Ever After and took a huge right anti-Semitic turn. It was like a teen movie. It was so nice. I moved. I asked a girl out in my band where we became friends and I asked her out and she said yes.

And then, sorry, no. She's a dirty, slimy rat Jew. By the way, you know who else might be an atheist? A lot of the Jews you meet. Probably were also quote-unquote Christian. So this girl can also be a quote-unquote Jew and also be as atheist as you. Maybe you can get to know her a little bit better and find out her feelings on God. That's true.

You could definitely ask. I've never heard of someone who's so virantly atheist that he wouldn't... Is it possible to not date someone who's just part of a religion even if they're also an atheist? I don't think I would date someone if they believed in God. Well, this girl doesn't necessarily believe in God. She's just a Jew. I'm a Jew. I don't necessarily believe in God.

Necessarily? What does that mean? Well, you know. You're just afraid to say you don't believe in God. Just in case he wants to smite me. I don't necessarily believe in him, but unless he is, then I find it necessary to believe in him. But atheism doesn't seem like it's not any religion. You can be a religion and then also be an atheist.

I guess you could be culturally Jewish and then not subscribe to the actual belief in God. Also, this guy is in high school, it sounds like, right? Yeah. So it sounds like he's planning a little bit too far ahead if this is his only friend and he's ready to sacrifice her to some sort of atheist God. In high school, I don't remember having a strong opinion on anything except for that Dave Matthews was the goddamn best. He's the God. He's God. Crashing to me, sir.

I subscribed to that religion. Michael, what do you think? Do you believe in God? Get really close to that microphone. Okay. I hate to put you on the spot right now. I developed a sort of a non-theistic perspective. So is that different than atheism?

Yeah. So what's non-theism versus atheism? The way I see it is if there is a God, great. If there isn't, okay. That's fine too. But you're not ready to put, you're like, is that agnosticism, where you're just unsure rather than atheism, which means you don't believe? Um, I don't, yeah. I guess so.

It's closer to agnosticism. Your brother's a loser, dude. You know what fucking theisms are? I think God's a bitch. Oh my God. The way I feel like, I just like found out step by step throughout life that people have been lying to me. So like, Tooth Fairy, Bullshit, Easter Bunny, Bullshit, Santa, Bullshit. God is just the next one.

And I feel like I found out when I was like 18, I was like, oh, Bullshit. How old are you when your parents told you that God wasn't real? So all the people that like magically appear and give me presents aren't real, right? Yeah. Easter Bunny's giving me chocolate. That's Bullshit. Tooth Fairy, when my tooth falls out, giving me money, Bullshit. Santa Claus just shows up, gives me gifts.

God just shows up, gives me everlasting life in a perfect utopia forever, forever, forever. No! That too is untrue, sir. Can we just all agree that the things that are too good to be true are not true? At all. At all? Well, either way, if there were a God, you're not going to heaven. At this point, I've put him on blast enough.

You're going straight to a Satan hellscape where... Let's say there's something about the universe that's like, it's so... I at least appreciate how stupid I am and how little I know about the way things are and the way... Not even like, I don't understand politics. I don't understand how a car works. I don't understand how the stars work. I don't understand how the universe was made.

I don't understand anything. So you're willing to admit that? Yeah, maybe some fucking crazy-ass forces at work that I have no earthly comprehension of, but at the very least, I don't think that any other human beings just got it and were like, oh yeah, God, don't worry, don't worry, don't worry, it's God, it's God. So what if you meet an awesome lady? She steals your heart, loves camping, loves hiking, loves partying, loves giving you the ability to hook up with other ladies if you want, sort of polyamorous, but...

And she doesn't want to hook up with other guys? No, no, she's like, you can do whatever you want. I will be yours, all yours. Also, my name is Annie. Oh, I love Annie. I wear bandanas. Annie or Lily. She wears a fucking...

Is she blonde? Red hair. Yeah. Ooh, red hair. Oh my God, yes. She looks like Jessica Chastain. Yeah, she looks like Jessica Chastain. She has a fucking golden lab or whatever the fuck dog you like.

Oh my God, I like an Australian. Okay, an Australian, whatever. Yeah, sure, okay. And then she's like, I don't know, I believe all that, but at the same time, I'm not 100% sure that God doesn't exist. I don't know, I kind of like being spiritual and I like leaving the door open to the possibility that God exists. Yeah, if she likes being...

I'm all for being spiritual. I'm very spiritual. Okay, what if she's like, I do think... I do believe in God. I think there is someone bigger out there, not necessarily a person, but I believe that there's something bigger than ourselves out there that's guiding the universe. Well, I think if I met that girl, then I would believe in God too. And I also think that's like a nice way to look at it.

It's like, I can appreciate somebody believing in God like that. I believe that there's something bigger, I believe that there's something guiding me, I believe that things happen for a reason that there's some kind of design. You do believe that? No, I don't believe that. I can appreciate it. What I don't like is being like, oh, I believe in God and I believe in Jesus. And since you don't, you're going to hell.

And oh man, I feel sorry for you because you're definitely going to hell. Like fuck off, don't put that on me. You don't know any more than I do. Right. Well, we know like I'm believing the right thing and you go to hell. Who knows? So you believe you, you're down with someone who's a little bit religious as long as they're not in your face or like judging you.

I'm down with anybody believing anything as long as they're not judging me based on what I believe. So back to this lady, back to this girl. Which is what this guy's doing. You sir are like the, like an atheist shouldn't be doing what you're doing. You're judging her for believing in her beliefs. She's not putting anything on you. Right. She's a, as far as you know, she might be an atheist as well.

She just grew up in a Jewish household. Yeah. And honestly, Judaism is a very chill religion to be able to tangentially be involved with. It's not very intimidating at all. That's true. Lots of holidays that you just eat food, hang out with people. I guess that's kind of like Christianity too. Well, my brother and I grew up in a dual religious household.

My mom's Christian and my dad's Jewish. Would you align yourself any more one versus the other? Jewish, I'd say. Yeah, I think Jewish though. It's weird because we celebrate, I feel like we celebrate the Christian holidays more. Like we have a bigger celebration for Christmas and Easter than we do for like, I guess we have Passover. So where does the Jewish inclination come from? We were both bar mitzvahed.

Yeah, we were bar mitzvahed. I don't believe that Jesus was God's son for one. That's a big one. Yeah. So I guess like I don't believe in one big thing in Judaism, like I don't believe in God. And in Christianity, I don't believe in God or that he had a son. So for starting it off. One strike against Judaism, two strikes against Christianity.

Either way, they're both still at bat. We'll see who wins out. But if somebody asks you, Micah, if you're Jewish or not, do you say I'm half Jewish? I usually say I'm Jewish. Oh, you just say you're Jewish? Yeah. You don't say you're half? Sometimes I do.

It really depends on the context of the situation. If a Jew asks you, you're Jewish. Yeah, absolutely. But if a non-Jew asks you, you're half. I would never talk to a non-Jew. It's half, but you round up. So this guy, what's the advice? I don't write her off because she's Jewish.

At least find out more about her. Yeah, don't write her off because she's anything at this point. I mean, like, it can never be in a serious relationship with a Jew. You're in high school. And you're in band. So take all the friends you can get. Jewish fucking Buddhist Zoroastrian. Do whatever the hell you want.

I don't care if this girl's a fucking Scientologist. Yeah, all right. You get that. You get that lockdown while you still can. All right, cool. So are we going to tell him to get some? What he said? Yeah.

So his two options are should I break things off or stick around and try to get some? Try to get some. Yeah, well, maybe I would like to approve. I would like to inject a third option, which is just get to know her a little bit before you write her off. Don't just use her. Yeah, if anything, she doesn't deserve, you don't deserve her. Now, wait, which one is the one that makes her sound better?

She doesn't, you don't deserve her. Yeah, you don't deserve her. Yeah, okay. So we're all on the same page. What do you think? Would you agree, disagree? I agree. All right.

There we have it. From 20 to 28 to 30 year olds, we're all on the same page over here. Crazy, 10 year gap. Next question. Give me another person from Lord of the Rings. Legolas. Legolas? Yeah, Legolas.

All right. Am I even saying that correctly, Legolas? Legolas, Legolas. It depends who's saying it. Hey guys, I'm in high school and I think my girlfriend is going to dump me. She has started to get closer with her ex and she has started to prefer to hang out with him rather than me. Even though she has said that she hates him but would do anything for him, she claims

that anything meant that if he was in trouble. But I'm still not sure if she likes me anymore. What should I do? Love Legolas. I'm afraid your girlfriend's going to dump you too, Legolas. Yeah, and there's nothing you can really do at this point. Yeah, I think it's already gone. I think she prefers to hang out with her ex to you.

I don't think you should have given her this opportunity to dump you. I think as soon as the- Oh, you gotta beat her to the punch. As soon as there was the shift in that paradigm, I think you needed to dump her. Yeah. I think you can't- also, I hate him but I would do anything for him. Not at all if he was in trouble. Yeah, I don't know.

What a weird loophole that is. To make matters worse, she's a Jew. A dirty one at that. Dirty, dirty, Jewess. God, if your girlfriend is starting- even if you're starting to even- She's hanging out with her ex-boyfriend enough for you to even suspect that she prefers him to you. I say you beat her to the punch and break up with her before. I remember that when I was in high school.

You'd find out that someone was going to dump you and you'd need to dump them first. It didn't even matter if you liked them or not. It was just like, I can't be dumped. That's what this guy should do. Dump her before she dumps you? Yeah. I guess it's like, don't dump her because she's going to dump you. Dump her because she shouldn't be hanging out with her ex-boyfriend more than she hangs out with you.

That's insane. She would do anything for him. Wait, what do you mean? No, like, if he was in trouble, I would do anything for him. I think that's also an unhealthy thing. When somebody has an ex that they're still super, super close to, like, he's my best friend. I would do anything for him. No, you won't.

No, that's not allowed. I haven't quite experienced that, but that seems like a very sticky place. But what if, like, you went out with someone at, like, age 17 or 16 and then, like, at age 28, you're, like, really good friends with them? Is that a pass? 16 or something. Yeah. I think every 10 years it resets. 10 years you're a different human.

10 years. So, like, let's say when Mike is 30, do you have a girlfriend in high school, Mike? Yeah. Sorry, I can't hear you. You're not speaking to the microphone. Yes, I did have a girlfriend in high school. How old were you? 18.

And then when did you guys break up? When I was still 18. Nice. Like, four months. Are you guys still close? Yeah. You have to never see her again if you want to have a girlfriend. Would you do anything for her?

No. Would you do anything for her? If she was in trouble? Yeah, well, that's... What does trouble mean? Is she in a burning building? Yeah, well, I'll rescue her. No.

I wouldn't rescue anyone in a burning building. Yeah. Except I'm fired. That's dangerous. Yo, if your ex is in a burning building, you've got to call 911. Don't go in there yourself. Nah. You ass.

Nah. There's a starving child at the basement of this burning building. I'm scared. I'm trying to get burned. What are you confident and cool about it? I fear pain. I fear death. I fear smoke.

And I fear flames. What is this? I'm a cowardly man, but he's like a... A cowardly pimp. Sorry, bitches. I'm afraid I'll get hurt. Peace later. I'm out.

Emotionally or physically? Both, bitch. Peace out. Boosis, motherfucker. Deuces, goodbye. I'm gone. Deuces, goodbye. I'm gone.

I fear everything. I fear the dark. I fear confrontation. I fear snakes, spiders, and I fear dying alone. So what don't you fear? Nothing. Pussy. I ain't afraid of pussy.

Unless it's pussy, I fear may have a disease. That loose meat. That loose meat. That loose meat. That loose meat. Get up inside that caboose meat. I don't know. I don't ever want to eat caboose meat.

That's butt meat. I know. You know, you took a little bite out of somebody's ass. No, I don't want to bite. You ever took a little bite out of an ass? A little honey-baked ham. Chomp, chomp. Chomp, chomp.

A little skin turkey. I'll bite an ass. I'm gonna go fuck. You shouldn't. You should give a fuck. My mama listened to this podcast, though. I'll bite an ass. I'm gonna go fuck, though.

It's Micah's mom, too, you know. Do you feel weird that I say this stuff to mom? Well, you're not saying it directly to her. That's fair. You got a point. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation

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Break up with your girlfriend. Michael. I think he should give her an ultimatum. Wow. An ultimate made him. Young Michael coming out here with a contradictory advice, man. What are we talking about outside? I thought we were brothers, brother.

We can't. We got to see eye on everything. I'm issuing you an ultimatum. What are you? But ultimatums, it's so like, I don't know. That's so weird. That's so serious. Yeah.

Maybe. But not like more like of an implicit ultimatum. Like if you're not going to be in this 100%, then I don't think I can be with you. No, but I'm in it 100%. I just still really like Rod. And then at that point, do you dump the chump? Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

Don't I just feel like hanging out with her ex like deteriorates the foundation of the relationship so much that it's like hard to come back from it. I feel like breaking up is the ultimatum. It's almost like, hey, it's the ultimate leverage. Yeah, because you're willing to walk away. I actually don't feel comfortable with the amount that you hang out with your ex-boyfriend. It makes me feel uncomfortable and sad most of the time. And I realize I don't want to be with somebody that makes me feel like that.

So I wish you the best. We've had a nice experience. And then that's sort of what Mike was saying, the implicit ultimatum, which is like, I'm not saying never talk to your boyfriend or I'll leave you. I'm saying I'll leave you. And then if that forces you to say, oh, I don't want to speak to him anymore and rather be with you, then you can be like, oh. No, that's cool.

Oh, I would do anything for you. Especially if you were in trouble. Tell me you're in fucking trouble. Tell me you're in fucking trouble, you little bitch. Yeah, I'm in trouble. I have a girlfriend and I'm fucking you. That's the kind of trouble that I'm in. That counts.

That fucking counts. I swear to God. All right. There it is. What do you say? No, you got to, I'm not done with any seeds of doubt. If this guy is like, if this girl is hanging out with her ex, even if she's saying I would do anything for him in any situation, whether it's in trouble or not, it's not worth hanging

around. Although that's, it's easy to say from my perspective because I don't give a shit about this guy's relationship with this guy. You don't give a shit about this guy. I don't give a shit about anything. I barely give a shit on me. What do you mean barely? You don't give a shit about you at all.

What do you mean, man? You take bad care of yourself. You look awful right now. What are you talking about? You look like you lost 40 pounds. I did lose 40 pounds. Like you're not eating. No, I don't need to eat.

It's like, I've never seen someone so skinny and have a gut. What was the last time you brushed your teeth? Yeah, they're falling out. I don't know, Wisconsin. What was that? Yeah, one of your canines just fell onto the bed. This is insane. Right here.

Oh my God, you're, you're, you're ears dangling. What do you want me to say? You're, you're, I think you have leprosy. You're a Mr. Potato Head, but your face is not arranged by someone who knows how things work. You're a Picasso. You're a goddamn, I don't know. What is Picasso's?

What is that? You're in college. You know shit like that. What's his abstract? Abstract art? You're in abstract painting? It's something else. Impressionist.

Impressionist. I don't know. Cubism? You should be smarter than us because you're still learning. I don't know. You're in class in eight years. Jake, borderline never took a class. What do you mean borderline?

I never took a class. What was the last class you got an A in? Only one. I mean all through college, but it was the last class that I took. In college you got an A? Creative writing at Hunter College. A. A.

Nailed it. Nailed it. How are your grades, Mike? Are you a better student than Jake was? I think so. Well already you're a better student because you completed two semesters of college. Oh wait, actually I think officially with this semester you just finished your third quarter, fourth quarter?

It's my third quarter. So I think you're ahead academically of your older brother? No, I think we're on the same pace. I'm a second semester sophomore. Oh really? So you guys are both second semester sophomores at this point? Brother. You can officially no longer look up to this fucking fat coward.

Excuse you. I'm sorry. I'm not fat. Sure you are. Oh you're going to call the gut fat. You jolly little. It's a food baby. Yeah, because I've eaten a lot of food in the last few months.

And much like your mom I think you have food triplets. Okay, that is absolutely more than enough. I have a food baby and you're ridiculing it. Oh I can feel it kicking. That little cheeseburger is going to be a soccer player I think. Speaking of cheeseburgers. Your belly is extraordinary. Can I take a photo of it or are you embarrassed?

Absolutely not. You can take a photo of it in fucking four weeks when it's a goddamn six pack. You pickled it out of it. You're suffering from delusions of grandeur. It's funny how you guys see the realest version of me in this room right here. I've never showed this to anyone. Every next weekend is your last hurrah. This is it.

Then I'm going to go on a diet and exercise every day. Just one more weekend. This party is going to be sick. That sounds like your college motto. Every next weekend is your last hurrah. That's like the UCSB motto. It's true. I think that we talk about this a lot.

I'm just like alright. I'm going to get in and out but dude on Monday I'm just going to start my diet. Monday comes like oh fuck. There's traveling and shitload this week so I'm going to fucking binge out and be an idiot. Then after next weekend that's it. This is the last hurrah right now. Then next week it's like oh fuck man it's Thanksgiving. It's like holidays.

I'm going to probably just eat a lot. This is the last hurrah after that. I'm going to really get on point. The problem is with your life is the last hurrah. Your entire life. There's no reason for you to ever make a change. I live my life on the cusp, on the edge, on the brink. Does that make me a hero?

Yeah. No it does not. Does it make me a hero? No. It makes you the opposite of a hero. A hero has willpower. A hero has determination. A force to change.

The only change you're doing is slowly becoming lazier. Can I interrupt you? Can I interrupt you? No you cannot. Do you mind if I interject for one second? Yes I do mind. Well then go ahead. Make me cry.

Go ahead. Ever see Superman shed a tear because this is what's about to happen. Uh oh. And here come the waterworks. This hateful speech is a kryptonite to me. All this is probably a fucking water weight in my stomach. I take one piss and I have a fucking eight pack. I've seen it happen before.

It's funny because Micah is one of the strongest people I know. Yeah Micah's Jack. It's funny to look up to your little brother. Yeah I mean I like text Micah for like workouts. Yeah. Not that you ever work out. That's not fair dude. I work out.

Micah you see me work out. That's absolutely. Micah is a good influence on you and you're a bad influence on him. You don't work out a lot but when you do work out you throw up. Yeah dude. You shouldn't say but. You don't work out a lot but when you do you're so sick you're still like that you puke. That was so hard.

The better way to say that is you don't work out a lot so when you do you throw up. Was it this summer that I yanked in the yard? Yeah. Are you stronger now than Jake's ever been? What do you think Jake? I don't know. I mean I think he's definitely stronger right now than I am right now. Yeah.

That's 100 percent. No yeah of course. Wait did I beat you in arm wrestling though? When? That's something like a big strong. We gotta fight that one time and then you had to stop because you're bleeding. That's not fair. I got you to the ground.

You stopped because I got to the ground and then we stood up and I was bleeding. I won the fight. This is insane. Your face was covered in tears and blood. You're putting me on blast when I won. I beat you. I pinned you. It's so funny.

That's just because you're a bigger guy. Yeah. I'm bigger and stronger. Yes. Bigger, better, faster. I wrestled you to the ground and I pinned you there. And then we stood up and oh I guess while I was holding you against the cement ground and you were saying please let me up we're done.

I guess your elbow brushed my gum. That's not. And my mouth was bleeding. That's not how I remember it. Well yeah of course that's not how I remember it. I was hanging out with my friends and you were the Rosenberg twins. You were the Rosenberg twins. Time for Uncle Jake to take a puff.

What are you homo smoking? They were smoking. We were smoking and hanging out and then you guys came in and you wanted to do a route. You wanted to pre-game. You were going downtown that night and I was like okay whatever man. It's so funny that you're eight years older than Micah crashing his shit. Like you're his little brother. Dude I was just popping in the shit.

Say what's up. And then you started getting, you started, you tried, you started trying to go ham on your big bro and I was like alright I ain't gonna, I'm not gonna, I'm gonna throw down. I gotta assert my dominance. We got into it. I, you slipped. You accidentally clocked me in the face. I cried.

I ran to dad. There was two fights that I remember I got in with Micah. One in the kitchen we were just like we're wrestling on the ground and dad started, dad was screaming at us to stop but we were like wrestling and then he started spraying us with the, with this like the dishwasher thing at the sink. It was like so everyone in my family is screaming at us to stop. My dad's yelling stop it, stop it. He started spraying us with the hose which only makes matters worse.

It was like some kind of crazy sitcom. The other one is I was trying to get, I was on the computer once. I had, I'm so sorry for this. You were trying to get me out, you were like trying to, you were getting mad because I wouldn't get off the computer. What were you doing on the computer? It was like on AIM. It's like anybody's like I have to do homework.

I'm talking to my fucking friends. Straight chatting dude. We had one, we had one computer and then we got into like some kind of wrestling match. I grabbed his arms. I like held him. He was like basically facing, he was facing away from me so I had his arms like held basically crossed in front of him. It's a matter of you were arresting me.

It's like I was arresting him. And he just lowered his head and like when he was little head, like his head right now was always that size. Even as a baby. Even as like a 10 year old. His head was just fucking, it was like a boulder. He lowered his head and just threw it back to my nose. My nose exploded.

He broke your nose? Like do you know what it feels like to be like 17 years old and have your 9 year old brother kick the shit out of you? I was a senior in high school and my brother broke my nose with his head. You had to tell people you got a nose job just so that to justify the situation. Usually it's the other way around. You get a nose job and say that you got beat up. And I never ever like that was, yeah you won.

I didn't even retaliate. He broke your nose. He literally broke your nose. I told my mom. Listen, I got a trouble because Micah had to do his homework and I couldn't, I wasn't allowed to be on the computer anyway. You were wrong twice and then your little 9 year old brother broke your nose. He broke your nose.

You really fucked up the back of my head on that one. Good times. Great times. Bad times actually. Yeah. I wish the Hurwitz brothers, the brothers Hurwitz. I never fought with my brothers. Did they never kick the shit out of you?

No. Moving on to the third question. You guys ready? Yeah, I'm ready. Getting back into advice mode? Yep. We'll call this person. Oh you know he gives himself a nickname at the end so let's just stay tuned on that.

Hey dudes, I have been having a problem with a girl in my class. She has been telling people that she likes me and wants me to ask her out. Sounds great so far, right? Wrong. The girl is a fucking whale. The girl is funny and has a nice personality but I would be totally embarrassed to be seen with her. Am I a dick? Should I just not care what my friends will think of me?

Or should I toss this bitch a card for Greenpeace? You're sincerely King Faggot. Excuse us! I want to clarify that we would never ever ever utter that hateful slur on this podcast if not to illustrate what a reprehensible, irredeemable, complete and total asshole that this King F is. You are garbage trash, subhuman waste, scum, bottom of the barrel, stinking dirt. I swear to God. That's it.

So I traced his IP and it came from your email address. Alright chill. What? Chill. You chill on that. You chill on that. Don't even. This is the second email we've gotten where it sounds great so far, right?

Wrong. The guy's wrong. It does sound great so far, right? Yeah, it's fine. You're... No. He even says that she's funny as a nice personality. What does it care?

What do you care if somebody has a crush on you? I don't understand what's so bad about that. The thing is I get... I don't want to agree with him in any sense because of the way that email was written, but I understand not being attracted to someone that has a crush on you. That happens. That was to everybody. Right.

He likes me but I'm not attracted to her for many reasons because you're... because they're not your type because whatever. You don't have to call somebody a whale. You don't have to be this way. Should he toss this bitch a green card for Greenpeace? Should toss himself into a pool of lava. Oh my gosh. He should toss himself into the mouth of an actual whale.

That'd be fun. That would be good. Yeah. I don't know what else to say. I mean, we really put this... We blasted this guy. We put this... We put this guy on blast.

A well-deserved... What day is this podcast coming out? Probably Monday. A well-deserved Monday blast. Yeah. You're a blast hole. You've been blasted off. Michael, what do you think, bud?

I just think he phrased it very poorly. Yeah. It's kind of... It's an understandable dilemma to have. Okay. He's zooming out a little bit. Maybe if somebody who you deem unattractive, whether she's large or anything else, has a crush on you, should that be embarrassing at all?

No. Isn't it flattering if somebody likes you? What do you do when somebody likes you that you don't reciprocate? You're a good-looking guy. You go to college. You get it when I don't like them back. Yeah. I think express interest.

Right. I usually sort of brush them off a little bit, but in a nice way. Right. They're just dodging their texts, trying to bail on plans. Exactly. That's a good attitude to have. Firstly, when somebody has a crush on me and I find them unattractive, I fuck them. Is that average behavior?

Is that normal? Is that good? Is that healthy? Mom? Dad? You're blaming them. Someone out there listening? Is it normal if you don't like someone to fuck them?

I don't like your personality. I don't like your looks, and you make me hard and I want to be inside you. Why? Why? That doesn't make sense. You're yelling at your own brain. I'm staring in the mirror, screaming at my dick. This is your advice podcast.

Yeah. I'm trying to listen to myself. Can I tell you about the time I was on drugs in that bathroom? Mm-hmm. When I looked down at my penis and I was like, I was peeing and looking at my text, and I realized I had this fucking crazy realization. I looked at my penis like, you are the boss, and this phone is your little minion. You control, this little fucking skin tab on the end of my pubis, you control everything.

Yeah. If someone just does your bidding. Yeah. And the body is just a willing servant. I really think if I got rid of the phone, if I got rid of my phone, I'd be saved. And if only your dick wanted it. Otherwise, I mean, your brain can want it, but that won't mean anything until your dick does.

But you can cut off your penis. If I was a eunuch, I'd think about that sometimes. Maybe in your worst nightmares you think about that. I think about being in a eunuch. When I was getting my STD test, I thought about if I had some crazy bad STD, like if I had AIDS, because I didn't know if I had something. If I did have something, then I would be like, I feel like that would be this sobering thought. I can't sleep with anyone.

I can't give them AIDS. So that was sort of like being like a eunuch. Right. Because it's like, it eliminates 99.9% of the potential lady population that you're hoping to stoop. Yeah. What do you mean 99.9%? Even if you have AIDS, you're not supposed to have sex with people.

What about with people who have AIDS? Yeah, you're not supposed to. Oh, really? I don't know why, but I remember reading that you're not supposed to. Or that you're supposed to use condoms. Are there different subtypes of the virus? You can get double AIDS. I don't think you get double AIDS, but I think what Micah said, subtypes of the virus.

I'm not fucking smart, but yeah. I mean, look at me. I don't get that. I don't get shit. I don't get shit, and I don't get shit done. We're actually out of time, if you can imagine. Whoa, we only answered three. I know, but we're past 40 minutes, and I don't want to go too long.

We got to keep it short. We got to leave people wanting more. All right. And we got to take Micah to the airport more than anything else. Yeah, young Michael. So thanks so much for joining us, Micah. Thank you for having me. Was this an eye-opening experience for you?

It really was. Yeah. It's kind of cool for you, right? I feel enlightened. Yeah. That's how I feel. I feel enlightened and I feel frightened. Thanks to you guys for listening.

If you find yourself in your own sticky situation, you can email us at ifireushow at gmail.com. We're also accepting theme song submissions. We begin every show with a new original theme song written by a fan of ours, and we end every show with one as well. That first one was written by Sam, Sammy. And this last one is also pretty awesome, is written by Michelle. So yeah, I think this is going to be our New Year's episode.

So happy New Year's, guys. Have a happy New Year's. This is our last podcast of 2013. And ever. And we began... We had a good run. What? We had a good run.

It's funny to think that we started 2013 without even having a podcast, without even thinking to do a podcast. And now I can't imagine 2014 without a podcast. It's crazy. What a difference a year makes. Where will we be in a year? Micah, you'll be a junior, maybe suicidal in some way. I'll be a pretty successful either entrepreneur or businessman.

Lady of the night. Jake will be close to 320 pounds. Easy does it. I weigh 180 pounds. I weigh a buck 80. Come at me, dude. I'm serious. I'll throw my weight around.

I'm a beefy motherfucker now. I'm beefy. You're turning into a cheeseburger. I'm beefy. Yeah, I'm beefy. I'm beefy. Yeah, I'm beefy. Uh, yeah.

We're going to stop that. Pull up McDonald's with the ceiling missing. Uh, thanks so much for listening, everybody. We'll be back in the new year. Later. Testing, testing. I'm just, just being Jake in a mirror. Might just be the best thing.

Text, text it. Or you can just email the show. If I were you, show.com. I think you should do it. Come on along and think, seize the cheese. Don't feed my little shit. I've been sitting here so long. You asked the question wrong.

Lady, next time Starbucks can help you die. This show is the tits you cannot miss. And I haven't had enough. I haven't had enough. Get cast at time to bounce. Get those noodles somewhere else. Traveling around the world. These guys are the real deal.

Jake's mom is the tits you cannot miss. And I haven't had enough. I haven't had enough. Testing, testing. I'm just, just being Jake in a mirror. Might just be the best thing.