If I Were You - 49: Raining and Complaining

Episode Date: October 7, 2024

In this episode we discuss days of the week, words of the year, and robots taking our jobs.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a head gum original. New Year, same extra value meals at McDonald's. So now get two snack wraps, plus fries, and a medium soft drink for just $8. For limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery. Jake and a mere two Jews that you can't forget. In 2010, they were big on the internet. And all things considered their success.

This is more than them. There's one. Shit, they swear. Swiss on me knife of show. Fat and come. That was the most animated I've ever seen you in my whole entire life. I'm back in L.A. You were dancing a second ago.

Why are you so low energy jib all of a sudden? You were bouncing around the room. Really? I don't know. I kind of browned out during the song. You're honestly, you're grinning from ear to year. I feel a little low. Like that was, all the endorphins were like coming out in like a flood during that 40 seconds.

Just extended. Exercise and joy gone for 30 days and yeah, 49, 50, 51 seconds. It's funny because I do know for a fact that your house is utterly empty. So you're so alone. You're so alone. It's barren. Yeah. It's cold.

It's 32. degrees in here and outside it's 81. Wow. How is that even thermodynamics possible? Incredible. It doesn't make sense. It really doesn't make sense. That's October in L.A.

Yeah, cold on the inside, hot on the outside. Yeah, this is our first segment since our live show. So we did get to experience the hands up in the air. Oh, man. To see if the crowd followed suit. And they did. It was so good. I would say it was a 90% success, right?

And then the 10% of people who just knew our videos or came with a friend were really alarmed. My favorite, because it's so good seeing all of the hands go so straight up, so rigid, waving back and forth, fills my heart with joy. And then it makes my heart skip a beat knowing that there's just a few people in the audience who are so shocked. And they're like, what's going on? Why is this that? It does kind of vaguely resemble some sort of white power rally when every hand shoots up and goes like this. They're very rigid to be sure.

It's a rigid salute and you're surrounded by it. Of course. I don't want to dissuade anybody from doing it in the future. It just has the energy from those who aren't participating in it. It seems very cult-like. Yeah, for sure. I can see that. I can see that.

We have a special wave. But between Philly and New York, there was, yeah, I mean, everybody got into it. And we felt the joy for the first time. We, so much so that we added a show. Oh, that's right. We never do this. We should talk about it up top. We never do this.

Well, we're very bad at promoting and announcing on time. But this actually might be the first time that we're able to do it mildly. Yeah. Yeah, I guess we could have announced it last week, but what are you going to do? For sure. Our tickets for our Chicago live show are available right now. That's right. You can get them at headgum.com slash live too.

So that's an easy-ass URL to remember. And that'll be November 14th. November 14th. We might even know who the president is by then. Well, let's not jump to any conclusions. We're still not even sure who won the 2020 election. So let's figure that out first. A lot of questions.

J.D. Vance is focused on the future. Okay. Yeah. I'm just, he should have asked him, So who won the 1996 election? Would he say like, oh, Bill Clinton? Or he said, I'm still focused on the future. Yeah.

I was mildly annoyed that he didn't press that further. But I guess it was that nobody's changing their mind based on something that happens during the vice presidential debate. So it's fair. Also, I bet if he pressed further, he still wouldn't answer. Yeah. All right, fine. Trump lost.

Are you happy? But I'm like twist the knife a little bit. You know, you got him, he's, he said something really dumb. You were like, who won the, who won the election? I would ask him that. Who won the 2020 election? I'm focused on the future. And then he's like, and then he just like, let him talk for.

That's a damning non-answer. Yeah. And then he let him talk for a minute about censorship. Like, let's, I feel like, but yeah, this is how I always feel. I want them to just make fun of the other candidates, but I get that they're not trying to get my vote. because they do already know they have it. Right.

Like you would want him to answer every subsequent question with, sorry, hold on real quick, one second. Who won the 2020 election? Yeah. Who won the 2020 election? When they talked about school shootings and J.D. Vance said that schools should have stronger windows. I would want him to just like, got it. So you said school should have stronger windows.

Just want to make sure. Stronger windows for the schools. Okay. Everybody write that down. Yeah. That J.D. said that schools need to have stronger doors and wind. knows. That's sort of on the website as a policy.

Yeah. But I guess, yeah, they don't need to make fun of each other because nobody, there's no, there's no high information voter that's like taking in both sides on the VP debate. We were only watching to see if our guy could get a punch in. I will say Hillary lost my vote when Tim Kane didn't do very well in the vice presidential debate. Yeah. I thought Tim Kane sort of dropped the ball and I couldn't see him.

myself voted for Hillary. I was on the fence. The two candidates were both pretty great in my eyes. I loved Trump. I love Hillary. And I said, I'm going to leave it down. Yeah, because I, Kane's all right and Pence is all right. So who can win this debate here? This was pre-fly. Do you remember the fly on his head in the VP debate? I think that lost Trump. And that lost Trump the 2020 election, because again, it came down to the VP debate then as well. And it was. It was such a close selection that it came down to the fly. It was Kamala Pence. I was undecided until I saw the fly.

And I was like, well, the fly fucking loves this guy for some reason. Yeah, he must be a fly for a white guy. Anyway, we'll get into it all at the Chicago Live show, which again is November 14th. Yes, yes, November 14th. How exciting. How exciting. We haven't had a show in. I mean, six years maybe, a live podcast?

Yeah. A live podcast. You said it was since pre-pandemic, right? It was pre-pandemic. I guess we did, so we did a virtual live show, a remote live show. That's what is tripping me up. Yeah. Yeah.

And we also did, I think we, I think you and I were part of like the headgum live show in 2021 at the grammar seat. But I don't, I can't quite remember what our involvement was. But essentially, you and I have not done a full-on live show since pre-pandemic. And if Philly, New York are any indication, honestly, those were awesome until the Chicago show got announced. Now I consider that preseason. It was a joke. It was a nothing burger to me.

I hated those shows compared to what's coming. Actually, now that I think about it, we might have done JFL in 2022. Is that possible? I was going to say, it felt real that we did a live podcast in Montreal in 2020. all in 2020. No, I don't think we did a live podcast there. We just moderated an event. That's what it is.

We moderated two years ago in Canada, an event at JFL. And then they closed the entire festival. Because of us. We were the last thing they did. Yeah. But anyway, yeah. We moderated it to death. If you want to catch some of our first live podcast, now is the time.

Correct. New York, Philadelphia, Chicago. We're going to all the big schools. You think it'll rain? rain when we're there? When I first landed in Philly, it was a beautiful day, and then it started raining for three days straight, and then I left. Is it something I said or something that just I bring?

Is it the energy I have? I will say on the weather, I get pretty annoyed. I guess it's like maybe it's just like an old guy thing, but I get really annoyed when it rains. I'm upset by the rain. It bothers me. Interesting. Interesting.

That's a very L.A. philosophy. As a New Yorker, you should say, I don't care if it rains. I like when it's cold. The seasons remind me that every day shouldn't be sunny. I used to feel like that. And I did. There are times when I can appreciate the rain. Like if I don't have to go anywhere and I'm staying inside, I think the rain is great. But now that I have so much responsibility in my life, like, I wake up and it's raining. I'm like, well, the dog still needs to go out. I still have shit to do. And now it will just be yet and it'll be inconvenient. it when I was, yeah, when I was 25 and it rained and I was, I was like, oh, wow, awesome. I won't do anything today. That's kind of nice. So now that you have to do things in the rain, you don't like it. I don't love getting wet, but I will say on getting wet since you asked, I think one of the best feelings in the world is when you are walking home from work, you went to work not knowing that it was going to rain.

You walk home, you don't have an umbrella. And you were just like, I am committed to getting absolutely soaked. I'm going to get drenched in rain. But you get home, you are soggy, sodden, dripping with rainwater. But you go inside, you put all of your wet clothes directly into your hamper, take a shower, and get to cozy PJs early. That's one of the best feelings. Getting hamper soaking wet, moldy socks. It's dark and dank.

You leave it there. So for overnight, one night becomes five. Suddenly it smells like cottage cheese in the bathroom. Now you have a pontovirus somehow. You have gangrene. I think it's one of the best feelings to just commit to getting completely wet knowing that you are going to get nice and cozy when you go home. I don't mind the hard rain.

The problem was there was a drizzle. It was a hard drizzle for three days. So like I would go to the show and they're like, all right, walk 12 minutes. from the subway. I'm like, okay, should I buy an umbrella for a 12 minute walk? It seems fine. Let me start walking. Oh, it's starting to rain a little more. All right, let me go under this tree. Oh, thick drops. Okay, now I'm eight blocks away. Should I buy an umbrella for eight blocks? Let me just keep walking. Oh, now it's raining really hard and I'm four blocks away, but I'm getting soaked and it's right before the show. Should I buy an umbrella for four blocks? It's feel like not

worth it. What if I still step in a puddle? And it was that for three days. Sorry, I'm not done. I was just, I was trying to like join in on the, on the conversation. I didn't realize it was a diatriat. It was a dietrich. Okay. The umbrella really only blocks your like top half. Like if the rain's coming down and it's windy, like you're not wearing. I'm like two walks by this point.

I really not ride an umbrella. It was the type of rain where you could, where you would think it wasn't raining. And you would, you had to like press your face against the window and look at like, a headlight to be like, oh, no, it is raining. It's raining harder than I bought. It doesn't look like it's raining. You look outside. It stopped.

The other very annoying thing about this rain, which lasted for three days, was every time I looked at my phone to see what the weather was, the forecast, it said light rain for the next hour. And that was it. And it would be like, and it would show the hours after that were just gray skies. It was just light rain stopping soon for three stars. great days. And it never, ever actually stopped. And it was never even that light. As we moved through time, the one hour followed us all the way to Sunday. It never stopped raining until I left.

No. No, it didn't. But we, you stayed at a hotel called the Sonder and that was fun. Yes, the Sondre was. It was one of those new modern hotels that doesn't seem to have anyone that works there. It's kind of like hotels took a page out of Airbnb's book. They're like, oh, we could actually save a bunch of money by not having anybody to help. Yeah. Correct. Right. So I walk into the building with a passcode that they emailed to me, thinking I would go to a front desk and check myself in. Then I go into the building and there's a matri-D for a restaurant in the lobby. And I say, hi, is this the hotel front desk? And she's like, no, the hotel's over there, pointing to an empty lobby with an elevator.

I'm like, I don't, where, do you know what to do? Like, I can't, am I the only person that's ever done this? She's like, oh, yeah, for the hotel, it's, we're separate from the hotel. So, like, I think they emailed you, like instructions. Instructions. And I look at, like, the reservation. You're really bothering this woman. Instructions.

Instructions for what? How do I hear you read it. I have the new iPhone. It took me a fortnight to get. I'm back at the Apple store getting yelled at. Yeah, and the instructions are like, all right, when you get there, this is your code, then use this code to get up to your room, then use this code to get into your room, and now that's your room.

But I'm like, okay, I just, is this an Airbnb? Like, I have nobody to talk to. What if the code didn't work? I can't call anybody. Fortunately, I guess they set up this thing to be like a completely keyless, no human entry. I'm like, there's nobody to talk to if anything goes bad. I stayed there for one night. I'm like, can I leave my bags in the lobby?

I don't know. There's nobody here. So I'm just going to leave my bags in the basement. You just left this works. You didn't talk to anybody? You just left your bags in the basement? Yeah, because there's like a luggage storage room that I found in the app. But like, yeah, I couldn't.

There's no humans to speak to. And then as soon as checkout happened 11 a.m., I get a knock on the door. Like, hey, housekeeping, we're cleaning. I'm like, okay. So there are people to kick me out. There are people to kick you out of the room. That's what the people are there for. They're not going to bring you ice.

They're not going to give you a wake up call, but they will kick you out at 11. So that's the new thing. It's like self-checkout, no humans. Checking into a hotel, no humans. And like we're just on the cusp of that age group. We're like maybe the next generation would be like, yeah, like a person checking you into a hotel. All right, boomer or like somebody checking you out of the store. Yeah.

But if my parents walked into that hotel. No way. Oh, no. They wouldn't have that. They wouldn't like that at all. No. I mean, I don't like it either. Call me old fashion, but I miss the human touch and call me boomer, but it's kind of interesting that the quality of surface is going down just as the prices are going up. So the inflation makes the room. Yeah, because they still want the cash. Of course. Yeah, they still want money. And the way they're making the money is to make it cost for. So like, yes, everything is more expensive these days. Obviously, no people are going to work here. The robots are very expensive. And, yeah, the system is a lot. So that's why you're paying $400 for a room that you swiped into with nobody there to guide here. Yeah.

And do you have a question? Well, you can text the chat GPT and hopefully there will be a can respond. It's a virtual assistant. Yeah. Yes. And it will be virtual. Same thing happened when Verizon's entire network went down last week. I couldn't reach anybody.

I couldn't talk to anybody. The only people I could talk to was a virtual assistant. It's really, it is very, I think this happened a few, like a few weeks ago or maybe the last month or something. I'm like on a family Google plan. And I don't know, something had gone wrong. I wasn't, this is so boring. I was not able to see Jill's family calendar.

So I had no idea what was going on. I'm like trying to solve this. And there's just, how do you get in touch with somebody at Google? You can't. There's no Google customer support. Like, okay. Even though one billion people use it. You can't like call Google and then have somebody be like, oh, this is what you have to do.

You make so much goddamn money. And instead, like, if there's an issue, I like, I search it. It's like a bunch of different answers. It's like, did this help solve your problem? And I click no. And that's it. good line. Then Google, you must be able to.

Can Gemini help me in some way, shape, or form? This has to be the first line of defense. And as long as we're complaining, which we are, I also get tax information and bills from the government. And when I call to ask what it's about, they say the line is too long and nobody can help you. Oh, yeah. So it's like, do you want $3,000 or do you not? We still want the money, but you can't ask us because so many people, people are calling us. We'll never explain to you what this money is about or for, but we will

hound you for. I actually did. I had to call the IRS the, this was actually yesterday. This was literally yesterday. Federal or state? I called the federal, the federal government. And it's a guy at the IRS. It's a, it was a like, um, a big like, you know, there's a, there's a, a, uh, a list of options that I need to press one through nine for. None of them yeah, were quite right. So I press three. They say it's going to be an hour long wait. They're like, you can get a callback. I'm like, I can get a call back. But the interesting thing is with phones these days, because there are so many spam calls that if it's an unrecognized number, it kind of just sends it to voicemail. So how will I be sure that I get this callback? Thankfully, I do. So I have to wait

for an hour. I get the call back, but not lose reception. Oh, you did get the call back. I talked to somebody who is like, I can't help you. This is outside of my scope. I need to. to transfer you. They transfer me and it transfers me and they say this, there's another, it's another hour long wait to the number they transferred me to. And then they said, do you want a call back? And I'm like, all right, well, it works the last time. And I pressed that I would take the callback.

And then it went to give me the call back. And it said that my number was already on the list for a callback. And it like, that canceled each other out. And it just hung up on me. And I never got a call back. I had already dedicated an hour and a half of my life to getting through to this person that could get me through to the next thing, only to be shut down. They're definitely not financially incentivized to help. Like, honestly, the worst they are at that part, the more money they get.

So if anything, they're financially incentivized to like make you wait, have you, like, give up, have fatigue. So you just pay the bill blindly and hope to God that will be a letter that I was supposed to get in the mail that never came. So like I'm calling, I'm on this like fruitless effort to, to track down a letter that help me help you. I want to pay my taxes. Give me the letter. Is there a copy of it anywhere? Can you email me the letter?

I'm on the website clicking everywhere. I'm just trying to find this goddamn letter. Have you ever been to the part of the website where they're like, all right, let's prove it's you. In 2018, put line 22, your itemized deduction loss for that year. So that may, we could prove that it's you. And you're like, I think in an email. Let me look.

Oh, yeah. 11,642. Doesn't match our records. Bye. Yeah. Okay. Well, I tried. I tried to do the fucking scavenger hunt and I lost so I can't pay my taxes.

Since this is a complaint hour, I want to just complain generally about the digital errands that like every single website sends you on to log in. Like, I'm a member at Nike.com so I can get free shipping. But I can't just sign into Nike.com with a password. It's got to be two-factor. And then it's going to-it-factor. And then it emails me an eight-digit code, not even a four-digit code. My bank emails me a shorter code than that. It emails me an eight-digit code.

I have to go into my email, go back to Nike to get free socks to show. And then, oh my God, just it's obscene. Have you ever had to do a CAPTCHA to donate? money. It's like, all right, food bank, here's $100. All right, let's prove that you're not a robot. Why? Take the money from the robots, too. Don't make me fucking jump through a hoop. I'm giving you $100. This should be like the easiest process of all the time. It's nice to not be hacked. It's nice to not be hacked. But it's kind of the price that we have to pay is it's just, it's so frustrating. I mean, I pay so much for cable and I

can't sign in on a single, like, device to watch a game. I'm like, and I think that's, everything that's wrong with with society the world yeah yeah I think that's other than those few there aren't any bigger problems but I mean I should be able to watch USA on on my device if I want to watch in you at in the USA yeah I shouldn't be able to watch you're in the USA you should have the USA channel yeah right right if I'm paying $200 to watch the Tottenham Europa League matches I think I should be able to just watch them from my phone or my computer or from a TV pretty seamlessly. And yeah, I'm going to share the password with my brother.

And that's all we'll say. And that's everything. Okay. And literally, if you just fix that, we're all good. Then we live in a utopia. So I don't know if somebody's listening or somebody can handle those things between the virtual assistance, the Nike.com, the taxes. Daxes especially.

Square those out. And we'll call it even, I'll vote for whoever. Yeah. fucking Trump, Vans, Harris, Walls, whoever can get rid of two-factor authentication. Well, especially because they have my face. I've given you permission everywhere to just use my face. Just take my fucking face. I don't care.

Just look. I think you're spying on me anyway. Just spy on me for my convenience at least. Rig it for my pleasure. I'm looking up. I'm looking to the left. I have a virtual ID. I have a virtual assistant.

have my DNA. The Apple employees are looking at my face when they desire. They can do that anytime they want. Just do it so I can watch soccer. Just do it so I can order socks. I don't care. Just do it so I can have sushi. Yeah.

I accidentally signed up for Uber 1 yesterday because when I hit on place order on a food delivery thing, it's like, oh, great, we signed you up for this thing. It's $11 a month. They're like, well, I didn't want to do that. I actually did sign up for Uber 1 because I was, I was ordering food on Uber eats so much. And I kept on clicking and went, like, get out of here. Stop it.

You're annoying me. And I realized with how often I was seeing that message was like, I, you actually are ordering Uber Eats kind of a lot. It might. So you probably should do the Uber Eats. It might save you money and it has. All right. Here's a little life hack.

I did accidentally sign up for Uber 1, which is $10 a month. But if you go to cancel. Uber 1, which I didn't know how to do, but Avetel was able to figure out. They're like, wait, wait, before you go, we'll give you 90% off the next month. So Uber 1 is only 99 cents for a month. I mean, at that point, I'll do it.

At that point, if you really just want 99 cents a month, fine, I'll sign up for your Uber 1. So if you threaten to leave, sometimes the subscriptions go down. You should always try to quit. They will try to give you a deal. And then the other thing, a lot of online shopping places.

If you put something in your cart, they're kind of tracking you. They'll email you and give you a discount. That's good. All right, two good hacks at the end of the sort of 28-minute long complete session. Jesus Christ, we suck. We can't do the taxes. But this is what we're going to do. We're going to do our tax talk in Chicago.

Oh, yeah. We should say that the Chicago show is sort of an audit, a live audit, and we'll have a few accountants with us to go through everything you need to know. We're going to bring our K-1s from 2021. I guess we didn't submit them properly, so we owe $7,100 for whatever reason. All right, let's take a break. I haven't breathed in half an hour. Right.

The Headgum podcast is coming to San Francisco Sketch Fest. January 18th, Amir's birthday hosted by Jeffrey James with special guest, Jake Hurwitz, Amir Blumenfeld, Riley Anspal. Ali Khan and of course Anya Zoro Go ahead and get your tickets over at sfsketchfest.com We'll see you out there. Stay classy San Francisco Kind of like an anchorman.

Stay classic. I said your name twice. Yeah, Ron Burgundy says Stay classy San Diego, yeah. Yeah, but it's kind of like, I don't know, I did my own little spin on your end. It's not your own because it's just plagiarizing the movie. But then quoting you.

wrong. Yeah. Right. Well, I'm curious. There's something there for. But this is it. This is the final ad. Okay. Yeah. And we're back. Hello, hello. All's well. That ends well. You had a question for me for this segment. Yeah. So I had kind of like, I guess I had a bad night sleep last night. Um, mm, yeah, which, which is kind of rare, but I woke up in the middle of the night and I had kind of, you know, like when you have a dream, a joke in a dream where you're like, is that funny? Like, you think it's the funniest thing that you ever thought of. And then you kind of, the dream people are cracking up. Yeah. And you're like, wow, I have to remember that. Then you do remember it over breakfast. And you're like, that isn't funny at all. Right. I had that except for something that was really, really kind of deep.

And I was like, I want to talk about this with the mirror, but I don't know if it's actually deep. So I'm just going to ask you. Okay. All right. I will, my thought when I woke up and it was like, because I'm approaching 40. It's like midlife. And I'm like, am I in the Wednesday of my life? If my life is, you know,

the days of a week. Yeah. I'm right in the center. I'm in hump day. But then I'm like, well, is Saturday really the end of your life? I don't think so because it's kind of like,

that's a fun party night. Yeah. But then I was like, maybe I'm in the Sunday of my life because I'm feeling so like reverent and appreciative of things. Yeah. What day of the week is,

your life in right now. Right. That's my question for you. Well, to me, it seems like Sunday is always the end of the week. Like, that's the way between the first 20 years of being a student and then the next 20 years of being a worker. It seems like Monday is the first day of the week. Yeah. Right. Yeah, I guess that's true. But does that apply to your life? Because we're talking about the week chronologically, but not necessarily the feelings. Like Sunday scary is, I guess maybe, maybe that's like the end of your life. But I also kind of imagine if you're, if you live to old age, you've more made peace with death and the Sunday scary end of life style thing isn't really how you're feeling.

Maybe then you are feeling like it's Friday night and you're like, I'm ready to go, ready to party. If we're doing emotional, then like the first 20 years we were just like a student and learning and like not responsible for anything, that's kind of like a Thursday Friday vibe. Because you're like, I don't know, I don't have to do anything. My parents will keep me alive. fine. Right. And then when you're working, you're the 20 to 40, you're trying to like guess and check, do try to make money, try to fail, try to follow your career, passion, figure out what you want,

maybe start a family, find a partner. That's more of the Monday. You're like getting shit started. Yeah. Yeah. So you go from Friday straight to Monday. Then there is something to be said about the weekend, But I don't think 40 to 60 is the weekend either because like you're supposed to be the most responsible for things then. Right. When you have children or pets or a house or the taxes that we're talking about, did I talk about the virtual check-in at the Sonder? Yeah, we did talk about that? And did you pay your 540 estimated? It really has to be a 540.

Yeah. Unless you're late and then they owe an interest, did you get the interest payment in the mail or you didn't get it? Yeah, I don't think you got it. And you can't figure it on my house. Now. A lean on your house is such a Tuesday of life. So 40 to 60 feels like that's, yeah, I think you're right about entering the Wednesday. That's the hump day. You're getting shit done. 60 to 80. Now it's like we're talking about retirement and resting on your laurels. That could almost be the Saturday Sunday.

Yeah. We're playing Baccarat, et cetera, et cetera. Yes. You're having fun. You're just sort of sowing the fruits of your labor. And then 80 to 100. I don't know if you've seen pictures of Jimmy Carter celebrating his 100th birthday? I did. I saw the video of him being wheeled out for the flyover. Yeah, it's, God bless his soul. He was a great man. It still is. But he looked not unlike an exhumed corpse. Couldn't believe he was still alive. Yeah. Jaw agape because he can't control his muscles. Eyes closed because he sleeps 22 hours a day. That I would say is a Sunday night feeling. That Sunday night of year.

I'm not sure that counts. So 80 to 100 is Sunday. 60 to 80 is Saturday. 40 to 60 is Wednesday. You're entering the Wednesday. So you feel like you're in the Wednesday? Why do you feel like you're in the Wednesday? Because you don't have any kids.

You actually have kind of, you know, very little responsibility. Yeah, my one responsibility is to pay for enough things to exist. like, I have to pay for this house. I have to pay for food. I have to pay for a vacation. I'm not relying on mom, your daddy. I just got to make enough money

to break even on my life. Yeah. And then I have the dog. The dog is a slight responsibility. You got to keep them happy and healthy and alive. For sure. So that's the Wednesday.

I'm still working. I can see the weekend up ahead. I can see the beginning of the week behind me. But it's nose to the grindstone, getting shit done. And actually, we can track our career in 10-year increments because for the first 10 years from 20 to 30 when we were working together, that's Jake and Amir. The next 10 years is head gum.

Right. So we're coming up on the 10-year anniversary of headgum. We are. What's that next 10 years going to be? Well, that's what we have to figure out as we enter the Wednesday. The Jake and Amir 10 years felt like, that felt like a Friday. That really felt like a Friday. That was all play.

Even though we were technically working, I think I was having a good time. time, basically the entire time. Headgum 30 to 40, that 10 years, that maybe felt more, maybe that felt more like, I don't know, that maybe did feel more like a Wednesday. I, you know, there's still a lot of, I don't know, Wednesday is, Wednesday's not really fair for it either, though. What about a Tuesday? We haven't really talked about that Tuesday feeling. But it almost could feel like a Monday, because sometimes, you know, you go to work on a Monday and like all of the stress and the scariness was on Sunday. You go into work, you've made peace with it.

Mondays that can actually be fun. You can get a lot done. I feel like the last 10 years maybe did feel a little bit like a Monday. We're building something. We're excited. We're doing our own project. Also, I went to a school where I kind of liked going to school. Did you have that kind of high school experience or did you have the dream of high school experience?

Yeah. Like, I'm like, school is fine and all my friends are there. and it gives me something to do. I kind of liked school. Yeah, I hated every second of school. Even, I think I remember, like, even teachers that I liked or classes that I liked, I would have, you know, I would have killed to just be able to hang out at home with my mom. Yeah.

It's all I want. I really like your mom more than your friends. Yeah. My friends are, right? Yeah. So for you, for me, Monday is exciting for you, not so much. Yeah. Well, you know, when I got older, I used to love Mondays. When I was, when I started working at college humor, I, the weekends would drag sometimes. And I'd be like, I can't wait until Monday because I'll get to hang out with everybody and make funny videos and stuff. I was buzzing in the elevator. So, so I love, I love. What we need is we need another 10 year plan, quite frankly. So we can enter the 40 to 50 zone with something exciting. Yeah.

show for it. You know, it was exciting, actually. We talked about on stage in Philadelphia, because we did at these live shows, we're doing a Q&A. And somebody asked about fate on shuffle, me and Gareth's, and, you know, technically you too, actually, you wrote a song. Yeah. Our pop punk music project. And we talked about the musical that we had started writing. Yeah, that takes place in 1990. Yeah, our 1999-based musical. The Saturday of history is 1999. That's the best idea that we have in the hopper right now.

Like if we could quit everything and work on that for a decade, I think we can make a fun musical. Right. And that would be fun to do. Yeah, because it would change gears so severely from what we do now. I think for the last, I mean, for the last 20 years, you and I have been doing weekly content. You know, even because you think about college humor, it was, it was daily content.

We were putting out articles every single day. We were like constantly posting things online. Then it moved to two Jake and Amir's a week, one Jake and Amir a week, a podcast every week. Now it's a podcast and a Patreon every week. There's always something that's, and I'm not complaining, it's great, but there's like, there's always something that needs to be recorded for the following week. Basically a weekly responsibility that needs to be out there. there. So I think it'd be kind of fun to just be like, we can noodle on a script for a month

and not worry about anything being posted because we have to write it. Yeah, well, think of this metaphor. It's like we're not letting our creative reservoir fill because it's like it's 10% full. All right, let's dump it out to a podcast. All right, let's dump it out to a video. What if we just sat and just thought for a year? Imagine the amount of creative water that would fill our reservoir. Then we can dump it. bump into something grand like a musical or a movie or a something. The hard part is, while you're doing that for a year, no one's paying you jack shit. Right. So you got to like do the podcast thing on the side. So it's like, I'm still making that. And then I'm running out of time

to do the bigger thing. Right. Exactly. Yeah. You make up, um, if we've recorded twice in the day, we're not going to be like, okay, now let's let's break out. Write a song. Oh, I just want to sort of eat a burrito. Ooh, Uber 1 has a pretty good deal on a Mexican place I haven't been to yet. I think a lot of creative people have these, you know, these exact same conversations. Like, it keeps on feeling like if we, if we like, it could slow down for a second, we would have the time in this space to create something else. But it's happened before, like when you went to England, and I think some of the NADPod

folks were traveling around then too. and I just like had eight days where I wasn't recording anything. And I was like, I'm going to, maybe I can write like something during this time. And then it came and I ended up just being like, wow, I really need to recharge. Maybe I'll go on a bike ride. Maybe I'll go surf. I really need to, I need to recharge. I need to regroup.

I need to let my brain settle. So you can kind of like justify not doing anything to yourself based on I'm working too hard. I'm expending too much creative energy or it's time. to conserve my creative energy. I should. And we're kind of lucky. Most artists or creative types are like, I'm working, you know, at like a service job for 12 hours a day.

Then I'm really fried by the end of the day. That's really hard. That's why the best writers don't write. That's awesome. So we should not be writing. That way it's sort of sements us as what we consider, quote, unquote, the best writer. Well, we're not writing. So I think that's fair.

We haven't written anything. Shut up. That's perfect. We don't, I'm just saying, yeah, we don't write. The best writers don't write.

I don't think I, I don't, by the way, I haven't, go ahead, actually. I didn't come up with that. I don't think of it. I'm going to go get a guitar is what I said.

I have to go to guitar center. You get into a fatal accident. Well, what we need is to get fired. That way somebody's forcing us to quit or give up or start. Yeah, with a really nice severance package so we don't have to worry about getting another job.

Exactly. Is that too much to ask? I bet you could get fired. Do you think so? I don't know you could get severance, but I bet you could get fired. I think I almost did last week. I wore underwear as shorts to the office.

Yeah. Which, by the way, they're just as long as like a skirt. And you groped Cohen. Yeah. I humped, air humped him, by the way, not even humped him as a goof at lunch. and people had a problem with it or one thing led to another in some bizarre fashion. Yeah.

Anyway, to come back to your last night, when did you have these thoughts you woke up at what time was it? This was, well, Gemma woke up at like, I think like 1 a.m., which was a very weird time for her to wake up. She doesn't usually wake up in the middle of the night. But like I was, I was like exhausted. I kind of heard her like crying. Jill went and got her and then I she like had stopped crying and then I she was Jill was standing in the room with her and it was so there's something just like so weird about it being one in the morning she is standing at the foot of my bed and she's looking at my water

and she goes dad a sip and I like gave her a sip my water and then she said mama sip she wanted Jill to drink it so she's just like playing a game with us at one. one in the morning. I was so tired. So after we did the sip thing, we all had a sip of my water. The game. Yeah, I think that was when, I think then she went back to,

she'll carried her back into her room and as I was falling asleep, like maybe one in the morning, I thought of this. Or it also could have been when I stirred at like four in the morning. I'm not entirely sure. Right. So this is nothing to do with the joke that you thought was funny. This was just an idea that you had.

Oh yeah, no, no, no. I was just relating it to Yeah, the way that a joke comes to you. This is, this was like the question that came into my mind. I was like, one day of the week. You know, I think it was, maybe it was because I was feeling so tired. I was like, I'm not used to feeling this tired. I think it was just because it was in the middle of the night at a time when I normally, you used to wake up in the middle of the night.

You know, like I'll wake up to pee at like 3.30 or 4. But that's on your terms. Right. Waking up at one when you went to sleep at like 11, 20. It's such a bizarre time. Yeah. And I was so exhausted. You're at the deep sleep end and someone's nudging you out of it.

And I think there was something that was like jarring about like Jill being up and Gemma being up and Gemma like kind of like playing this game that I was like, wow, I'm too tired to do anything. Am I dead? Am I dying? Am I in the Wednesday of my life? And that was to be like I thought of it. But now I think of, I thought about it more today. And I think I'm actually in the Thursday of my life because... Oh, interesting.

I find a lot of joy on Thursday. There's a lot to look forward to. There's the Friday, the Saturday, the weekend. But you still have... Thursday's more optimistic for sure. Definitely. But I've been like, you know, going out on a Thursday and I'm like, well, I shouldn't go too hard.

I have to work tomorrow. So there's like this little sense of, you know, it's not the weekend. You have to be a little bit responsible. But the good times are right around the corner. That's how I feel. Yeah, which is why I think it's a Wednesday, because the good times are right around the corner, but they're not tomorrow. There's still work to be done. Which is why we need to write this play.

Correct. By the way, we're recording this on a Wednesday. I don't know if there's some sort of kismet to that cosmic. Interesting. Yeah. So I don't know. It's got to be. Maybe that's why I'm feeling a B-W-E, a big Wednesday energy coming out of us.

I could see that. By the way, I looked it up. I'm not 41. I was born in 86. So you're younger than me. So I've been like, yeah, I'm younger than you at this point. Like I keep like looking shit up and thinking that I'm 41, soon to be 42. I'm 38.

That's amazing. 38 sounds young. That's awesome, right? Yeah. 38 is sort of the new 40. Right. Because I feel 40. And I just looked it up and I was born in 1979.

So I think I'm pretty old now. You're turning 46. In October. Who's 46? Right. It's you. It's Andy Sandberg probably. I could see that.

Okay. Thank you for bringing up this existential dread. Let's take another break. And of course, we've got to thank some sponsors. We're still a part of this machine. That's right. We're not fun employed yet. And then we'll be back with the third and final segment.

Ooh. Spooky. No, but I do. do need to probably cry. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. You're absolutely in the Tuesday of your life.

Okay. We're back. We're going to play a game. I just wrote a word on this pad of paper. You have five guesses to guess what it is. No. That's one guess down. Jelly.

No, but that's getting closer. You can't ask me any questions. Juice. Juice? Jues. Juice No And I think it's actually

Got it And it's getting a little bit It's a little further So it's closer to jelly than juice Yeah, no questions Okay Bagel Very close

We're at four That's four Not very close I don't even think it's very close It's closer than jelly What we're doing is playing semantle. Really, if I can get it with just hot or cold, it would be really impressive.

So you have to just tell me if I'm closer or further based on my previous guess. Right. So closer. Bread. Closer. You're at five, but I almost played a tent. Okay. So bread is closer than bagel?

Yeah. Okay. Turkey. Wow. Way close. Really? bacon further turkey is

chicken chicken that's right yes that was good fuck yeah that was really good so hot or cold

based on guesses I got it in what eight I think less oh wait no it might have been it might have been eight because you get you went a little rogue with bacon okay

I'll think of one Write it down. I don't trust your house. I don't have a fucking pencil. You know I don't have a pencil. All right, fine. I'll write it in the chat, and then I'll send it when you get it. Okay.

Okay. It's in. Microwave. Not close. Basketball. Further. Further than microwave. Egg.

You're getting warmer. Fork. Further. Okay. So I guess we're getting banana. Closer. Oh, okay. Sorry, I should say warmer.

Yeah, you're getting warmer. Okay, what's warmer than a banana? Nothing's warmer than a banana. Why, a banana's the hottest fruit there is. Closer. Really? Avocado. Yeah, you're getting hotter.

Colder, colder. That's, it's hubris. Lettuce. Lettons. Closer. Cale. Closer. Spinach

Closer Oh, we're going to closer Coleslaw Further That's just a weak Yes Cabbage? Cabbage?

Further colder Okay, so I was really close When I was saying Different lettuces Um Cucumber Closer Carrot

Further Further Honestly, I might end the episode at this point. No, hold on. That was so ill-advised. What else? Peas. Closer.

This is, what other green vegetables are there besides broccoli, kale, cucumber pickle? You know, it doesn't have to be a vegetable. What do you mean it doesn't have to be a vegetable? It's just a word. It's just a word? What the fuck is used to be used to word, man. I've been close with vegetables and further with fruit. Correct.

So it's closer to a vegetable word. Is it a vegetable? Don't tell me if it's vegetable. You can't answer yes or no. Radish. Correct. Beets. Colder.

What? Beat. Cold. Boo. Okay. Okay. Beans further. And honestly, I forgot to say this.

But play along. at home. Please play a lot. I'm past 10. I'm absolutely past 10. Yeah. It's cheese. Further.

Okay. So we are. So it's a vegetable. It's a salad-based onion. Further. Bad. Oh, my good God. It doesn't have to be a food, by the way.

It just has to be a word. And I feel like I've already said that to you. And you're just steamrolling me or ignoring me. And it's starting to kind of further. All right. Tell me what it is. But I like the way you've left Elaine. No, I'll give you a hint.

You've already said the word in your brainstorming. I've said it in. What are you talking about? I've said the word in my brainstorming. You've said the word in the last five minutes. Peas? Closer. Is that the word?

You haven't officially guessed it, but it was a word you said. Oh, salad. Closer. It's not salad? Base? Further. But I like that you're not on food right now. So I don't want to discourage that.

Groceries? Oh. Ingredients? Further. But closer in a way. I think you suck at this. You have said the word in the last. But now I'm not even playing.

Now I'm just trying to think of things that I've said in the last few minutes. Guess? Food? No. Colder. Colder. Bo, colder. Freezing.

It sucks. I don't want to play anymore. Tell me what it is. I'm going to tell it to you and you're going to be like, oh, yeah, I guess. Yeah, I should have gotten that. And if you do get it, it'll feel so fucking good. God, you got it? It won't.

It really won't. I said pickle. I guessed. Pickle officially. I guess. Pickle was a good guess. Oh, vegetable. Vegetable.

Closer. But again, and this is the last time I'm going to tell you this. It's not a food, but it is a word. A vegetable is a word, not a food. A fruit. It's a food. Of course, it's a fruit. Now you're reaching.

And that's actually quite the end of the game. I think so. Yeah. I begs for this. Tell me what it is. Green. you're an ass. So every time you said a green word, I said close. And then you're like, what else is green? Beans? You let me so far astray. Absolutely not. You fucking listened to the entire

second. Every time you said a green, I was like, yeah, you're close. And you're like, what else is green? What else is green? What else is green? Beats? No, man, not beats. Oh, not a food. You shouldn't know. Closer for some vegetables then. You should have said that they were all the same. You got lettuce and spinach were really fast. Yeah, close. Yeah, but I was naming green.

But they're not closer. They're not. But carrots is further than peas. Yeah, but you said kale was closer than cabbage. And you said, and pickles were greener. It's greener. It's not greener.

It's not greener. It's absolutely green. Cale is greener than cabbage. Cale is greener than cabbage. It's a dark. A darker green and that's actually... It's a bigger greener. It's a different shade.

A darker green is greener than green. It's amazing how fast you got chicken. Really good. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that. That's all I needed to hear. That's all I needed to green actually.

All right. Solid game. Great game. Great game. Again, ticket to our live show in Chicago at headgum.com slash live. Yes. Hope to see you guys there. And thank you for listening or watching this episode on our YouTube channel. For more of us, you can watch our Patreon.

Patreon.com slash JA. We got videos of us watching Jake and Amir. We got English Premier League podcast episodes. We're trying to create a wealth of crap you guys can enjoy. That's all on Patreon. Amir is becoming fully coys. Not fully, but I am trending towards that. the very least knowing the team more

and finding myself rooting for these players a little more, which is pretty good for six, seven matches into a 40 games season. They're a fun team to watch. You can't deny it. And we'll be back next week. Happy Jewish New Year, everybody. That was a Hidgum original.