If I Were You - 490: Game Night

Episode Date: May 31, 2021

In this episode we discuss moms, games, and Headgum Internships!Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. Started writing an email in the dead of the night My girl cheated on me with my best friend Was it something I said or something I did? Did he think her pussy was tight? Though I tried not to write you, though I tried But I guess I'll write in two If I were you

Here's what I do Oh, here's a chipmunk Jake's dad is a gourd If I were you Here you show at gmail.com Or some shit I don't know that didn't pay me for this Whoa Nice

Whoa, are you kidding me with that? That was awesome, I wish she didn't insult my father That was kind of an inside joke from the podcast You constantly call your dad a pumpkin man He's a real pumpkin man Little heavy giver What the fuck is that supposed to mean? What was that?

That was a John Lennon impression It was like the Beatles She's a real no way man The Beatles are insulting Lennon's legacy And you're insulting my old man I don't even ask for that What'd you call him? A pumpkin? I called him a pumpkin man

It's tacky It's a runner, it's a bit Goof, we were just joking along It wasn't just me by the way It was this guy Matthew who attached a parody Of every rose has its thorn by poison Did you know that song? Oh, I mean I know that song

But I didn't recognize that song Every rose has its thorn It's kind of like about how sometimes flowers look fine But ultimately when you touch them they fucking kill So it's like what's the point of even gardening Because at the same time you can have tulips And it doesn't make you bleed I don't think the song was meant to be taken that

Literally Really? You think that every rose has its thorn Is about fucking gardening? It's about identifying flora and fauna That's why the next line is Most tulips look like this And then in the music video they basically show

What it looks like so that you can identify it And then that way when you're on a hike Or something you can impress a chick By being like that's a rose It has a thorn, that's tulips Now why don't you kiss my tulips And then you lean in basically And you go for the smooch

Because I mean it's date number four Why are we taking shit so slow? You are really dating yourself With this weird courtship metaphor Where you're on a walk in a fucking garden I'm actually dating myself It's me and myself walking through this public park And I'm sort of identifying flowers to myself

And you're trying to convince yourself To perform autophilatio But you're horny and prude at the same time Alright, that's enough This is the first ever theme song submission by Matthew A Matt, so shout out to Matt Nothing to plug But I guess his Instagram at matthew underscore

Lucente Thanks, Matt Crazy You think that anybody's going to follow Matt? What do you mean? It's like alright that song was pretty good And now I want to see Matt on a fucking hike They follow me because I have an interesting life

You have an interesting life? You're not married And all you do is post photos of your fucking dog And like... If I look at your Instagram right now I don't think you've left your living room In what seems like a year and a half Even longer, yeah, just in case

But I feel like I'm the most interesting man in the world Let me look at... Let's pull up your Instagram and see it Don't look now because I've been clinically depressed for a year So all this shit is actually coming through my art A lot of the times you can see the pain of the eyes behind the mouth Here's a selfie of you in sunglasses with a mask I almost got cancelled for that

People thought I was sort of virtue signaling Wearing a mask outdoors when it wasn't necessarily called for by the CDC So I had my ass trolled and kicked out of class for that What's the photo before that? The photo before that is a screenshot from the Forbes article That talked about our dating app So that's actually really fascinating Before that, it's a screenshot of a text conversation that you had with an Amazon rep

Yeah, as a goof That actually played really, really well, engagement-wise How many comments and likes did it have? Not that I care You just didn't answer it How many likes does it have? It has 5,000 likes That's actually really good for me

But yeah, what's the photo before that? It's a really, really dark photo where Avi Tal is doing stand-up Super, super tiny in the bottom third Yeah, that was sort of like slice of life style Ansel Adams photography A slice of life Whilst I was playing with like sort of lightness and darkness In terms of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel

Because it started to be like okay enough I'm not gonna give you this platform to explain your Instagram Yeah, no for sure You're eating this shit up You want me to fucking announce every photo What's the one before that? That it played well Or that it's a slice of life

Before that it's another fucking screenshot of you, of a text thread Of you telling a delivery person that you're famous That was a goof Yeah Somebody texted the wrong number They asked if you could cover their shift That was actually somebody doxing me I would get like thousands of texts from strangers

To the point where I couldn't even block the numbers fast enough I guess my phone number leaked or something And people were taking advantage of that Which kind of sucked to C slash here At a certain point they were egging my fucking dog Who does that? Egging your dog I mean not to turn this into a podcast about me

But while walking around the neighborhood More and more Because trying to get some exercise in on the daily slash reg I keep seeing this celebrity that lives near me Like a real fucking star A movie star basically And I don't need to name names But he's kind of a big deal

And I want to be able to walk up to him and be like By the way, I know you I assume you know me I don't know if you want to double date or anything Like we're both walking around our neighborhood A couple of celebs hoping that nobody notices They have a significant other They do have a significant other

And that person is also famous Like this is the kind of life this guy leads So that's why you want to do that double date I want to sort of get in on that Have you waved? Do you smile? Sometimes I'll do like the head up The head down and like I'm so fucking nervous slash scared

I don't even clock his response Like maybe he's doing it back to me In a way that like he probably Watched our videos growing up No, I don't think so Assume that he doesn't know who you are How do I get him to know that I'm also with

Podcast I have fans and my Instagram is What if you trip in front of him You're on your phone, you trip In front of him, but it lands face up And he all of a sudden sees Okay bloomers, TikTok open 2.1 million

Loops or whatever the fuck Right? So then he's like Oh shit, a fellow fame I didn't realize that Would he see the amount of plays My talk has? Cause It's kind of an impressive number

That's true I think if your phone landed It's open to the viral one If it falls Face and up And he can see it Face up You don't have to

Clip the back of my head So you're completely out of it You wake up, your phone Your wallet is both gone He stole it Or this guy left you And someone else robbed you You know I wonder if his girlfriend

Knows who I am cause she's also A pretty big deal In my old neighborhood Jill and I Ran into a famous couple And then did you want to be like We shot the breeze We chatted for a little bit Cause there weren't a lot of people walking around

And you're like hey isn't it Fucking insane how neighborhood goes With regards to being famous You guys meeting you and then me and Jill Over here she's more of like behind the scenes But like I have a pretty popular partner Do you know okay bloomer on instagram She was working at principado

Yeah They had to at least have known the same Agents in the same circles This podcast is getting really inside baseball now But I feel like I need to know who your fame is I think I'll tell I don't want to tell you in case like somebody actually Knows this person and then it's like

Well this guy's a fucking creepy ass Loser why is he talking so much about me And naming my name on the podcast That makes sense so will you tell me and we'll bleep it out I'll tell you but you probably Have never even heard of this guy And they're not famous He's lowkey d-list

What less famous than you Way less famous He's me in ten years What So you're admitting you're on the decline He's me in ten years Matthew McConaughey's speech was about how he's always trying to be better You're saying this guy's so bad that he's you in ten years

I'm on the b-list And I'm on the c-cline Aka I'll be Posing for Calvin Klein In the c-list in three years And by the time I'm his age And by the time I'm his age In ten years

I'll be on the d-list with him And I fear that tripping in front of him Won't actually get the job done with regards to what I'm trying to do Which is There's nothing better than going to a fucking dinner party With celebrities if that makes sense Like for me to share A meal buffet style with

A meal hersh Like that level of person Not that that's the guy that I see But like it could be an a meal hersh level person Okay so a meal hersh is not That famous Imagine sharing a meal with him A meal with a meal

How Good would that be How good would that feel To share a meal with a meal If you get it for a good deal That would be a steal A steal of a deal To feel a meal with a meal

And guess what we're eating Grilled seal No way There's no way You're eating an endangered species Fuck no No way, no how Anyway, let's get to the point of the show

Which is actually in a vise podcast I asked you for advice and you gave me some shitty ass thing About tripping next to him which I'll try But I really doubt it's gonna actually move the needle I feel like it could For a meal level guy To see me like that face down on my teeth I didn't say it for you to fall

I said for you to drop your phone Really You added the falling Face out and down Clip your head now your teeth I mean if you really hurt yourself In front of him If you really eat shit and he needs to help you

He might learn your name and then find out That you low key have A small following On social media Small but loyal That all kind of trolls you in the comments And stuff The girlfriend is not lord

But it might as well be lord And I might as well be royal To have a dinner with her and her A meal-esque boyfriend Which is not a meal dish So that's what I'm working with here I see But yeah this is a fire you

It's an advice Podcast but honestly it's trending Towards tv slash movie Probably netflix or hulu or something I'm trying to like build up the courage to talk to this Fucker I'm Anthony Bloom

I feel like you're hosting this Podcast now as if he's listening I'm afraid as if he got through The first part where we This is after he's helped you home When you've hurt your neck and your head And your teeth he's listening to the podcast And he's like

Oh my god did he do that on purpose And that couldn't be That not Anthony And then you just introduce yourself now as Anthony Bloom for him There's a chance he probably already listens To the show like that's the kind of head nods I've been giving him

And you tap your ear pod But then it like starts and stops Because I have that like new boast technology So I can like stop and start by tapping On my eartrum and it like It kind of fucks up with my My playback anyway You're walking the dog around the neighborhood

Sometimes it's the dog Sometimes the dog will not Want to be with me anymore So I'll go solo Dola Nice Luke bit me in my sleep last night But again neither here nor there He went straight for the jugular

Like he knows that he wants you gone It's not even the night to He missed it by like a quarter How did he know He must have been trained There's no way it wasn't a trained assassin attack Because he was waiting until I snored That's how he fucking knew it was time

To roll Alright we got a question about This guy's mother-in-law A mother-in-law question Classic Love him Whoa Okay

What's the name of a guy who has a mother-in-law A guy who has a mother-in-law Me yeah I have a mother-in-law That's funny we'll call this guy me Nice Me writes This is like a such a shitty episode For the guy to listen to the famous guy

Like I don't want him to be like Think that this is status quo We don't usually talk about you And it's usually a pretty funny name But whatever Jake kind of fucked up The prompt was What's a guy that has a mother-in-law

So that's not really Setting me up for success Just fucking read the question Your famous celebrity crush Your hall pass isn't listening Hey guys I suspect My wife's mom is cheating Am I obligated to tell my wife

Basically my mother-in-law has been Swinging by our place to drop off a few things At a time Foods tools etc And every time she's been with the same Man Unfortunately when asked about it She's been doing it with her female

Co-worker and to add to the suspicion She only comes to the house When she believes nobody is home And isn't aware that I've been seeing her It wouldn't be totally unprecedented As my wife has told me That her mom has had at least one affair That almost destroyed her marriage

I don't want to be the bearer of bad news And I especially don't want to get it super awkward Around the family As I'm the only one who could have possibly seen them together What would you guys do If you were me, thanks Love? Me

It seems like the nice thing To do is to tell your wife Would you actually do that Or would you pretend I didn't see anything And then avoid having an awkward conversation Forever When the mother-in-law Is asked

That she's been coming by with her female Co-worker I dropped by this thing with my friend Sophia And she wasn't with Sophia She was with the fucking aleman And I think she's having an affair Because she's had one before

Should I tell my wife Yeah I That's I was trying to Kind of get to Being able to say You don't know for certain that it's an affair

And I wouldn't say anything Because I feel like that wades into pretty murky waters That said This really does Seem like she's having an affair So would you say anything To your lady If you saw her mom

I saw mom kissing Santa Claus Hold on The reason it seems like an affair Is because that she's Being secretive about it And it's a dude And she's had an affair before And doesn't want that kind of

Scrutiny Or mistrust So it's not even an affair It's just that like I know that I have like broken trust before So let's not even Like Let's not even test it

Even though I'm not having an affair I don't want to say that I'm hanging out with this guy Because then everyone's going to be weird about it Yeah And now you're fucking blowing up her spot Like thanks for saying anything And then it's like what if your wife is like Yeah it's just her friend

Why the fuck are you telling me this Mom Jake said that he saw you with this guy A telltale And then the mom is like I'm on the phone with your father What did you go around Jake why did you have to fucking do this

You could have just kept your trap shut Yeah So that's kind of how I'm feeling Like I would maybe Not say anything Though I think you're right In your suspicion Hmm

Okay that's good So sort of like You know you know but don't say anything Because it's not helpful You're right to yeah You know you know You are suspicious Rightfully so

You're probably right Is it worth Blowing everything up On a hunch even when it's this Strong Yeah cause you'll always be Even if like best case scenario Is you fucking

Tell people and you were right And then there the divorce happens And then it's like thank god I did that I'm the one who brought it To light and I'm the one who caused The rift in this relationship And is that good I mean not that you did anything wrong

Obviously the cheater is the one at fault But at the same time did you do anything good By bringing it to light And forcing it to happen Yeah So I would probably not do anything either Even though it might be the quote unquote right thing to do Is to say something to your wife

Not hide it You could just like try to Let you two make the decision together I feel like if you I feel like if you really want to Say something then I would I think you need to put yourself further In a position of

Being able to confirm What is going on Yeah Is there anything to like I'll talk to my wife About it and then we'll make the decision together Or is there a pre-decision to make Before you even go to the wife I think before I mean definitely

Wife is the first person you tell But I think you need You might as well get a little more information Okay so maybe you hide In a trash can or something Yeah but I don't think you need to go like Private eye Or case they're a joint in a way

Where you can get some really nice high res imagery Black and white and you put it in like a dossier And then like That dossier can be leaked In a way Then I feel like doing Going to that level Then everybody is going to be like

A little bit suspicious as to like That's cool Even if you did it for a noble intention Okay all right so What would we do in that situation We would probably not say anything Yeah Okay all right let's take a break

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That sounds pretty good Thank you Stamps.com for sponsoring this show Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring This headgum podcast You know Aura Frames is sponsoring Not just this episode but the entire Headgum network Jake Wow that's correct

I mean this might be the Goat Father's Day gift I think it actually is Yeah not just Father's Day But for any not so tech Savvy family member That you need a gift for soon These digital photo frames

Might be the best of all time Yeah for me personally These things are perfect I'll tell you why as you know I am expecting My first child We got one for Jill's parents We got one for Jill's grandma

Holy smokes We got one for my parents In our family right now But they're great Really easy way to stay in touch With your family You can upload as many photos as you want Directly into my parents kitchen

It's really nice So you take a photo of anything Perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo Yeah frame This is actually how we told Jill's grandma She was pregnant We got her the Aura frame We plugged it in

This was actually a really sweet moment For me and my wife And you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit Like this is how I told my grandma She was pregnant She misheard it or something like that Or the way you said it was kind of like

Could go either way By the way Jill's grandma is pregnant Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant It's pretty cool And you told me with a digital photo frame Holy smokes Yeah Thank you

The Aura announcement So you can instantly frame photos from any device Anywhere and invite the whole family in On the fun through the Aura app Add me to your Aura app I'd love to upload just a picture of me Like at a pool or something that could be funny Yeah like your banana or your dog

Alongside pictures of my daughter Yeah exactly You can even preload photos and add a personal video Message that will display Anybody connects to the frame Yeah it's a great gift A really really iconic gift And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift

And visit Aura Frames That's A-U-R-A Frames.com And our listeners can use code HEADGUM To get up to $30 off Plus free shipping on the best selling frames There it is Oh wow this is timely the deal ends on June 18th

So don't wait Terms and conditions apply Frames.com Go get your parent something And use the code HEADGUM For $30 off plus free shipping Thank you Aura And now back to the HEADGUM podcast

You were listening to And we're back Jake do you have any Oh it's a lift to the device I sure do It is to come work at HEADGUM Like

Instead of me Well I was talking specifically About our summer Internships but actually I just want to be involved anymore Okay all right sweet So you all find a new Co-host and partner

To run content Whoever applies Whoever applies and you'll be our intern I don't want to do that So why don't I tell you a little bit I'm overqualified of course I've been at HEADGUM for 6-7 years now Here's some of the things that you

Would work on as a production Intern at HEADGUM Amir You'd be gaining An understanding of podcast production And promotion By shadowing development And supporting day to day needs

For current series Okay yeah I'm interested But obviously I'd like a higher position Because I've been at the company for as long As it's been around You'd also be able to help us Grow and market our shows By creating promotional content

Including video, audio, image Assets You can even pitch us ideas and concepts For That endeavor and You would be in charge of executing them How do you feel about that one Amir It's hard for me to pull off

But I'm sure I can grow into it Maybe if I start with an externship Yeah and you'd also be writing Copy for like social media And newsletters and pitch decks and stuff I don't know how to write Okay but I can yell at someone Perfect

Basically I can be a nasty boss Okay all of these job requirements And additional tasks You can check out HEADGUM.com Slash about And You'll see that There's a little link that says

That we're hiring and Yeah check it out see if it's right for you We're also looking for A sales intern So you could do that if you want as well buddy Well with that entail just because I am thinking about Getting into sales

Just because I've heard some peer evaluation things about Me and that I might not be Working with the sales team To support HEADGUM's advertising marketplace Gumball So you'll learn about advertising And podcasts

And how brands and podcasts work together Etc etc To facilitate The ads and the podcast To the hosts on the podcast Working with the ad team I think I'm too stupid to do that But I'm wondering if other people

Are qualified to do that Where would they have to go Is that like a URL or a website Is there even a difference between the two At this point So thank god You're sort of like I backed into the fabric of HEADGUM

You can't really be extricated At this point but The company would be better Served without you So you go to HEADGUM.com Slash about And click around until you find The about page

If you're going to be a production Social media or sales intern I feel like that's kind of a prerequisite Then you can find careers at HEADGUM See our current job posting Page and apply Right there So give it a shot

If you feel like you've got the social media prowess The production prowess, the sales prowess Let us know Do you need a mouse pad You don't need a mouse pad You do need your own computer You can work remote We also have offices in New York

And Los Angeles Do you have any other questions I answered the mouse pad one I have this like Kind of really old crummy beat up Compact Presario Yeah it barely gets the web

Dude I have like Did you get a Dell Didn't you get a Dell When you were playing a celebrity With your friends and you couldn't Remember the name of her songs So that everyone booed you out of the room Maybe I'll find

Someone like you That's where you get a fine If you don't win the celebrity game Yeah and someone like you Okay so that's the unsolicited If you're interested in an internship And these are paid positions I hope

Yes We are paying Our interns because it's the right thing to do So yeah they're They're paid positions Okay cool I'll check it out Did you ever have an internship Did you ever do that kind of stuff

What do you talk of course I was an intern at head gum for like Not a head gum That's it Thank you guys so much for listening We got them out I got 25 minutes early I'll turn it head gum you said everyone

Congratulations I was an intern at college Humor, I was an intern Was that your first and only internship I believe it was Yeah because I was a sophomore in college When I got it Before that I had anything good

No No friendships were made I still keep in touch With Streeter and Pat and me Sarah for once in a while I'm just gonna maybe see Jeff Rubin next week So that'll be nice Yeah

I was definitely still Business partners for Yeah Yeah me and Marty worked closely together I met him late in my 10 year college humor but And Andrew and Cohen

People that work at head gum Live wise Partners Any formations That you actually appreciate Um And in terms of things that I Appreciate and feel like we're

Additive to my life Oh and I mean I met my wife there I know I have your phone number And more Sorry what is and more What is and more I was just trying to be like

That was bizarre It was creepy as hell I have your phone number and more Yeah like we get No I mean we get along I'm saying I have your like we're Connected in a way I know your phone number You have mine probably

We're associates Cause you work at head gum and I work at head gum Work at head gum God that sounds so formal and cold We Co-host a show every once in a While once a week You know

I think I make you laugh Sorry What I didn't hear what you said No I was saying next time You're in town we should get a Coffee Coffee

I don't know what you drink anymore Cause we're not fucking hanging out Yeah no that would be Cause we have to hang out to record So I'll just bring I'll bring it to go coffee or tea I already said you had plans to come to LA I wasn't aware

Don't be demanding in that really weird intimate way It's off putting I have your phone numbers I'll just leave it at that Yeah let's leave it at that Actually speaking of Having someone's phone number Here's another question about a mother It's a mother theme

Yeah it's a late mother's day Episode of our show by accident This is a 23 year old guy From Philly so we have no Choice but to call him Ben Simmons who I assume is 23 years old but maybe 24 Ben Simmons writes

I'm a 23 year old guy from Philly and I have a language Related predicament Every week my sweet mother Orders a mystery box Of produce from local farms Instead of buying from a grocery store I know

What an endearing concept Since she doesn't know what kind of Shit she'll be sent each week She always makes it a point to tell you If you eat any of the stuff from the produce box But the problem is she constantly Referes to it as her box I swear to Gord

That just about every time she says That some weird fruit came in her box Oh that's just my box My box didn't come yet Those peaches were in my box I get my mom To stop talking about her box Do I tell her the vile things

That she's been saying for months I'm tired of thinking about her box Every time I eat a freakin' plum Thanks hope you come back to Philly Whenever you tour again Love you guys and all things head gum Go Sixers love Ben alright Wow alright

I mean she's a squeeze She means vagina She says like the peaches came in my box Like that almost means That this person's mom Stuck a stone Fruit in her vagina Yeah I feel like

This guy's issue is that he doesn't want to Think about that or hear it You just read that and then said that And now it's really Firmly cemented in his brain probably forever I don't know if I've ever eaten a plum He's talking about eating plums The last time I

I guess I plum forgot the last time I ate that Can you even think about The last time you ate his mom out Come on That's funny right Like I ate this guy's mom Like I'm a fucking cannibal No you miss her

I'm not a fucking zombie piece of shit It's not that kind of joke Like I want her brains No not like that at all I'm a man I'm not a fucking weird ass monster It was an oral sex joke Is what I made

Not a fucking That's funny like I go down on her Yeah and it's not that funny Your reaction was borderline Appropriate you just got it wrong Yeah no no I get it I thought you were calling me like a fucking Like a man

Eater In this case but you were just talking About me basically Giving this guy's mom head Now I'm offended at my own joke Cause the way you said it back to me I really didn't like it Here's what I think you can do Yeah

You give the box a Catchier nickname That's what you gotta do She's just calling it the box You call it something different Or something like that Where's your little poon Let me see

Mommy let me see your little poon Please mommy Why is it calling it a little poon Cause like it's an acronym What do you mean P-O-O-N But why little Why are you making the box small

It's a farm box I mean in the grand scheme of box Mommy let me see your little poon It really leans into it being a vagina thing Yeah Well I'm thinking about like coffins and how big those are And this would probably be smaller than that Right

Well then I feel like at that point It's weird to say small Cause a coffin is wide This would be like a tight box Or a tight little poon Mommy did this melon come from your Tight little twat What

That's another acronym No it's not It's absolutely not And it's a naughty Alright so what should this guy do I mean at a certain point you just have to get over it You're not going to tell your mom that box means vagina And it helps you changes do you

Yeah you don't do that Cause I feel like that conversation will be more uncomfortable Than hearing it You know you can move out I don't know what the situation is But that's a possibility You can move out or move on Keep on moving

Wherever the name of the farm That sends the box make a cute Little nickname out of that Farm Yeah You didn't get it from this box You got it from Brookshire Farms Is that your brookies?

That's good Philadelphia Farmer's Box Oh yeah that's good Oh no No the closest farm To see her getting this produce at Is actually This is unfortunate it's called mom's little pussy

No way That won't help No That's unfortunate And a bizarre name for like A co-op Doesn't even make sense It's the height of insanity

That's like That means you have a bigger fish to fry Than just your mom calling it that Get over it or Never talk to your mom or brother Ever again Two good options Let's take a break and answer

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We had so many lightning round questions Submitted last week And didn't get through them all So I thought maybe we can Power through some right now In the third act of this year's podcast Very, very smart I love that idea

It's like a quick lightning storm Not like a full lightning round Where like the third act of this year's podcast Not like a full lightning round Where like the thunderstorms last all weekend But it's like, whoa, that was intense But now it's over Yeah, the aftershock

Yes, exactly So do you have some quick hits to get? Yeah, I like this one Paul Burke writes What are your go-to choices for a game night? Also, you better be able to freaking prove That this ep was recorded almost live Well, I feel like we did last week

Prove that We didn't answer this question And now we're proving that this is actually Super post not live We're recording this on Thursday Yeah Game night, I mean I've done the Jackbox games

Which could be pretty fun It was like remote recording style Game nights I've done the mafia thing Which can get contentious I'm sure I've discussed that before Getting sort of borderline kicked out of a party Is slash playing the game wrong

Yeah There's that game where I forgot the name of it Where it's like code names or something Where you're trying to let people guess Certain things that you have Or people that you have Like a board of words

That game was pretty fun That one is fun, but only six people can play it Right? Yeah, I think it's a one team On one team style Um, there's like There was Alright, well I have a couple

Do you like game nights in general? Um Yeah I don't like game nights I like hanging out and drinking And then a game spontaneously Breaks out So you don't want people inviting you over for a game night

You want a house party That games are sort of happening If necessary Or I like going on like You know, a weekend trip With a bunch of friends And one of the things is like playing a game You know, there's a puzzle going

There's a sports game on We're playing something It's nice, it's easy, it's relaxed I don't like coming over for a game night But I think one of the best games To bring on a trip is past the pigs I think You brought that to Iceland

We brought it to Iceland We played it, one night we played it For like three uninterrupted hours Didn't we play until the clubs closed By accident? Yes, we were so into it at a bar That they almost kicked us out Because it's like, you guys gotta go

And it's basically this like, it's a dice game But instead of dice, it's these two rubber pigs That can land in different ways Um, and It's incredible, we made up our We perfected the rules of the game Because one of the ways that the pigs Can land is worth

Um, one point And it makes the math kind of hard So we made, if they land both On two dots or no No dots, which are usually worth one point We just made that worth a zero Pig lands on its back, that's a razor back It's worth five, double razor back

That's ten, get a trotter That's five, we don't really know On a four Double trotters, twenty The real heads, no And then what's it called, when it lands on Like a diagonal, that's very rare or something That's a leaning jowler

And it's worth fifteen, and if you get a double Leaning jowler, it's worth sixty-five Which is incredibly rare But yeah, I've never seen it And we set the rule That if you land on a double leaning jowler It's just game the fuck over Cause I can come on

Okay, so I get, it sounds like The pigs are touching it I like past the pigs You didn't like game night, and then you got Really into this pig game by the end I'm obsessed with past the pigs The other good one is There's like a

Scattergories game online If you just search Scattergories online It's like the first result But the website is Swellgarfo.com Slash Scattergories And it's

Scattergories that you can play on Your phone, which is excellent Alright, alright That's cool, it's actually really cool So, some good game options Yeah Here's a question from JKTweets Amir, what's more important to you

The Lakers winning ten consecutive championships From now, or are you receiving One golden mic? What do you think? Is that in play? I don't know LeBron's not gonna be great for that No, the golden mic? It's a little tacky to ask about it

I thought I did Let's leave that for a bit Why don't you answer the question Without kind of like Inquiring That like, weird Weiny little Grasping

I think I would Ten seems like a little Ten seems fun, but like I'd be happy with a few and then If It's for reach or to ask for it Overreach I don't even want to talk about it

Unless it's fine too You already lost it when you chose Ten championships I did not Ten seems fun It seems fun, but ultimately Your grave was dug Your bed was made

Sleeping it, lying it, dying it I don't think That I just don't think That you really get to be part of the conversation Around a golden mic when you would rather Have something else occur Something else happen

That's It's tacky, frankly If I can be candid You don't have to ask me Because it seems like you're often candid When it comes to the golden mic And regardless of what I do, it's tacky I think it deserves my candor

I take it seriously Have you given one for this episode yet Or it's all TBD Yeah, I got the golden mic because I had to defend it With all my heart, with such gusto When you tried to desecrate it By saying that it wasn't worth ten freaking Lakers championships

It's worth that to me What? I said give me I'm not getting the golden mic evidently So give me the championships as a consolation prize Not that I choose it I don't make those rules Honestly, I have to get out of here without a turkey

I feel like I've won one of those I feel like you won't Every episode except for this one It went without saying that you got one When you were doing the like twat thing That was Really uncalled for That was a little

It was a little blue for the show Didn't you talk about joke about me Going down on that man's mother? I said that You said you couldn't imagine me doing that I feel like there was one of us That took it too far And that one of us

Won the turkey And that was You On the day What's the most important sauce? Um, asks A great question Not the best sauce, but the most important sauce

The most important sauce The most important sauce What sauce goes in everything Um It's tough It's a really tough question What are you narrowing it down to in your head Like soy and or tomato and or ranch

Or something like that Mayonnaise I mean, is mayonnaise a sauce? I don't think mayonnaise is a sauce Yeah, I guess not I'm basically trying to Alfredo sauce, penne Vodka sauce

You're talking about Italian sauces specifically Yeah I can't really think like I mean there are other sauces to be sure I'm just trying to like I feel like one of my favorite sauce It's a cheesy sauce It's a cheese sauce

I think it's cheese sauce It's Annie's macaroni and cheese sauce But if mayo is not a sauce, why is cheese a sauce? Well, because that's actually called a cheese sauce In like the directions Okay Alright, I'll go with tomato sauce Because it's in pasta

It's on pizza It's on sandwiches What's more important than a tomato-based paste? I think that's probably true It's probably tomato sauce I would have to concur Riley asked, what's the best chewing gum brand and why? We're both non-chewing gum branders

Or do you chew gum? I don't chew gum When I did, I feel like I often got The ones that like duped me with their like dentist marketing Like the teeth whiteners So like the dentine ice, the orbit The trident It seems like dentist would not like chewing gum

Because it just causes like excessive mastication Interesting Yeah, neither of us like gum Like I used to eat gum when I was single Because I wanted my breath to be nice in case I kissed anyone Yeah, right I can't remember the last time You fucking closed her wits

This guy used to strike out so much We used to call him Gumby Because he used to go home with the gum in his mouth Hey, don't worry about your breath, Gumby And you'd have to fucking go home And we would make you do the voice We would make you say, look, leave me alone, guys I really, I feel like I must have blocked that out

Because I remember being called Gumby I remember not being able to close I remember when you guys would send me home from the bar early Like eight Because you would say, yeah, why don't you ride Pokey home Because you're obviously not going to close tonight I just don't remember that I would do the voice Because I feel like

Yeah, you used to go, okay, folks And you're like, that's not the voice You got to commit to it a little more, Gumby Yeah It was probably once a weekend for five years Really? Yeah Well, because I remember that one time where I said goodbye, guys And I got hit by like a vest

That was it That was it That was the night We hired that fucking task rabbit to bowl you over on the Vetspa That scooter, yeah Yeah That was What's the longest you've gone without showering, asks

Lou Magic 19 I think six days Jesus Yeah In a non-camping environment or in a camping environment? It was a camping environment I was in Yosemite with my brother for six days Alright, what about you have access to a shower longest you've gone?

I think there's like a video of it actually on College Humor Like in an outtakes video Where like Sarah's asking me how long it had been since I'd showered And it was five days Maybe four Jesus Wow Because that was when I was living in LA and coming back to New York to shoot

And I like took a red eye And I guess that's really not an excuse for not showering Yeah, if anything you should shower more after a flight Yeah, it's like I was, but I was busy, I was traveling a lot We had to shoot I don't know why I didn't shower Yeah It must be interesting

There was a time when I thought my hair looked better when I didn't shower So like if I was having a good hair day, I wouldn't want to shower to like ruin it And now I think it looks better when it's clean So I shower a lot more Now I shower once a day Shampoo, soap, conditioner, all of it, the full monty Well, I use the head and shoulders two in one So yeah, a shampoo and conditioner

That's cool Thank you That's really cool Really? All right, here's a question Sure Terricks Jones Would you rather, all right, let's say you're at a dinner with Jill's family

Would you rather fart really loudly or shit your pants silently? Hmm I guess Hmm Am I at, like, it's not your family Am I at a restaurant? Yeah No, no, no, it's at a family dinner

Extended family 12 of your wife's family and you And it's kind of quiet as people set up, sit around, clinking silverware Would you rather rip ass or silently shart? I guess shit my pants because then I could just excuse myself briefly Throw out the underwear and come back and not really lose face That means you aren't comfortable with your sexuality slash partnership in your wife's eye That's really alarming to hear

No, it's, what the fuck are you talking about? That's really, that's sad, man All right, this isn't like fucking gotcha questions, okay, why don't you go? You just say your answer without tearing mine apart I will loudly fart and shit my fucking khakis in front of everybody Because I am whatever you say I am And I will fill my ass up from front to back Like I sat in a bowl of chocolate pudding

And I will loudly rip that ass And when they told me to stop, I'll say who the hell are you to talk to me? If you hadn't won the turdy already, this is the fucking definition of a turdy Talking in detail about how you would rip ass and shit yourself at a family fucking reunion That's enough But I did want to say when people, when we got the IP back to Jake and Amir I feel like we, people were like tweeting at us about NFTs And I was thinking that if we ever did an NFT that the first one I would want to make an NFT is you shitting your khakis

That's good, so then somebody can own that moment Somebody owns you saying you think I give a flaming fart and then you shit your khakis It doesn't seem, I mean like, it's too perfect I would pay top ether to have that be mine digitally for all time in the blockchain Because it's a statement on non-fungible tokens in general Exactly, to have that in my open wallet for life for me to be the owner of that NFT Would go further than me owning a Andy Warhol or a Magritte or something Alright, one last question

What ever happened to Jake's godchildren? About a year ago, a lot of people were making you their godparent to their children You must have had like six to eight godkids Have you kept up with any of them? Do you know what's going on there? I haven't, but I feel like that's on, that's on the parents, that's on the kids They should be getting in touch with their goddad a little They should, they owe me, they owe me an email, they owe me a text, they owe me an apology I wouldn't, I don't need any cash from my godchildren, but

I feel like at this stage, a check, a card with a fucking crisp 10 spot in there would be Make things a little bit better But yeah, no, I think I had like six godchildren at some point Yeah, yeah, and you're trying to extort them now, you want them to send you money They don't even know who the fuck you are Yeah, no, I would like updates, I'd like to know how they're doing I genuinely would And the $10 bill?

I'll send them one That's really nice Put it into a college fund Maybe I'll buy them all, I'm gonna buy them all like $50 bonds Oh, that's cool That seems like a nice thing The other most boring gift you can receive as a child is a fucking piece of paper that says you can get cash in 61 years Yeah

And I think Longer than you can possibly imagine When we moved, my mom found that like my grandma or my grandfather had like gotten us bonds And she let everyone know and it was like, oh, this is nice, thank you Like I have to take it to a bank Yeah, that's right It's an errand Yeah, imagine getting like a foreign bond, like a bond from a different country

You have to go to like the embassy, cash it or something like that Yeah, it's tough All right, that's it Many questions as we can get through Thank you for submitting them Thank you for sending those theme songs The email address for all of it is IfIWereYouShowAtGmail.com

The opening song was written by Matthew This closing one is a turdy themed song written by Thomas Yeah It's sort of an inner monologue slash mini ballad as it were That I imagine playing in Amir's head whenever he has the golden mic snatched from his spindly little clutches If you end up using it, shout out my Roche Sorry, shout out Roche His friend Roche, R-O-H-R-O-C-H

And then also Ben, Arwhom and Shan Like Sean, all right, Sean Don't have anything to plug or advice to break But if life ever takes a slight turn for the shit, I'll hit you up All right, thanks Thomas Woo And thanks to you guys for listening More content on our Patreon all the time

Patreon.com slash J-A We're watching old videos, we're uploading animated sketches We write there's old IfIWereYou episodes on there Hours and hours and hours of stuff So check that out if you get the chance Indeed And as for us, we'll be back next week You know it

Yeah Ciao for now I get the golden mic just once I'm just a desperate, lonely chipmunk I can't take another turn here I'm tired of being a high-pitched fool How do I become an anti-fool? Never mind, I'll man

I have no award, but a single touch What am I to do? I give shit advice There's an all right song If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you

If I were you If I were you