If I Were You - 491: The Pearl Thief

Episode Date: June 7, 2021

In this episode we discuss new music, sleep aids, and get a random phone call from Ben Schwartz!Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. Oh, because it's time. It's time to do what's right. Give a mirror the golden mic. For all the times he stood by you. For all the love he's had to prove. Oh, we've got chipmunks. This is the chance to fly.

On the wing of angels. The golden light and reach. We only got this life. It's time to do what's right. Give a mirror the golden mic. Fucking Bravo. Run it back. Run that song again.

That was incredible. That was so good. You like the music, the sentiment, the music, the lyrics. The intention, the commitment, the bravado, the gravitas. It was like a Broadway play. It was epic. It was soaring. It took me to another plane.

You get the turdy, of course. I'll take the golden mic home. Because this campaign, it shows your cards. You've played your hand. I like this song. It was a shit hand. I think that if you are looking at this as your... Please consider campaign.

You have failed. You let yourself down. You're relying on our more talented fans to try to boost you. You want to stand on the shoulders of giants. But you're still a chipmunk. You're only six inches tall. It's unbecoming. It's uncouth.

Frankly, it's a little tacky. You love the song. What's tacky? The song was incredible. That you're trying to strong-arm me into giving you an award that you have to earn. That's what's tacky. I think the song was amazing. No notes on the song.

A note on you as the host trying to rewrite history via fan-submitted songs. Well, that one was written by Dustin Clark. Amazing. He has no shout-outs, no plugs, just a demand for justice. Justice was served. Don't you worry about that. Justice actually was doled out. A golden mic for me for doling out the justice so effectively and early on in the episode.

Pretty neat. Five minutes in. I already handed out both awards. That's efficiency. That's optimization right there. You're happy. Damn what? You're happy.

I'm impressed. I think that it's cool to listen to a podcast where one of the hosts is peaking. I think that's neat. Just in the zone, flow state on my game. Yeah, so thank you. To everyone. Where do you think I am? The golden mic.

That was awesome. Such a good song. Which side of the hill do you find me on in terms of I haven't reached my full potential yet? I'm at the peak. I'm sort of like you said soaring or like I'm over the hill sort of on the wrong side. I'm just 38. I think you've bottomed out, but I guess that would signify that there was a peak at some point and it feels like it was like a stop and start that never started.

Yeah. And only stopped. And then bottomed out. The edge and dropped. Yeah. You're at the bottom of a well. All right. Where's the well?

Is the well at the top of the hill? In hell. Hell. The well is in hell. You think I'm at the bottom. You've gone on a journey to the center of the earth, my friend. Yeah. So deep, so deep down that if you continued digging, then you would be rising because

you'd be rising towards the other side. You were at the exact middle of the earth in terms of your depth of despair. This is a low point in all time low. Yeah. Let's get into the episode. What? You gave me the worst pep talk I've ever heard for you breaking me down as we record. And then, yeah, let's get into the episode.

This is play that song again. I mean, my God, it was so good. It's like our Broadway play. All right. This is if I were you. The only advice show on the web hosted by me, Amir. And me, Jake. We are in the thick of it.

We're about halfway to the thousand episodes that we guaranteed. Our contractually obligated. Yeah. We signed a thousand episode deal with head gum, not unlike that Charlie Sheen deal with FX for anger management, the hundred episodes. Right. Only he got a bunch of money. We did it.

We sold our souls to the devil. They loved the first 10 episodes. They ordered another 990. We're about halfway through that 490 ish right now. So shout out to us. Congratulations. And thanks to everybody that's been looking. Jesus.

Yeah. It's funny to like, it seems like a lot of episodes. And when you talk about it in terms of our halfway point, it's. Yeah. Not even. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

That's insane. We've been doing it forever. We've been podcasting forever. And if it felt late when we started, we almost didn't start. We were like, should we really start a podcast? It feels like everyone started a podcast. Yeah. But now, now actually everyone started a podcast.

Right. Now it's like, it's a good thing we've been grandfathered in through seven years. Actually, it might be. Right. We might have passed our anniversary. Did we start? Yeah, we started in May. Yeah, we started in May.

2013. It was 2014. May. Yeah. May 2013. Because actually just got our biennial refiling of our LLC that we formed to start the podcast. Oh, if you remember that. Yeah.

Did you ever end up paying those taxes? I know. Yeah. Unfortunately, they, I am avoiding the IRS. There is a lien filed against me. They've started seizing assets. They took Jill's engagement ring. I see people are leaving boxes in the back.

Is that what that is? Yeah. What's going on back there? Just fucking a bunch of windbreakers showed up at my house this afternoon. Careful with that sofa. Come on, Christ. That's a, it's a handmade velvet couch. It's Italian.

It's worth more than your life, man. How much do you owe? Can we just pay it off? They're moving. All the, all the couches in the world won't cover the debt that I owe. I'll tell you that. For starting an LLC, there's no way the fees are that high. How much, how much could we possibly owe for all that?

$9 turns into 9 million pretty damn quick when you don't pay it. They hit you with the fees. They, they hit you with the charges. God, I'm fucking sorry to hear that. I didn't, yeah. I'm sorry. Do you want to go deal with that? Should we continue on?

Should we try to answer some questions? I feel like you're in a bad place. No. Well, they're, they're not going to be able to go anywhere cause I slashed the tires on the truck. So they're not taking my stuff today. It might get out to the truck, but it's not leaving my goddamn driveway. So why don't we record the episode?

All right. Yeah, we need to, we need a fake girl's name, but like it all seems pretty inconsequential now that you're sort of on the lamb. I'm not on the lamb. I'm not going anywhere. You're gonna take me out of this house feet first, motherfuckers. I don't care who has the note. Yeah, but, um, so a lady wrote this email.

We need a, we need a name for her. Sure. Um, let's call her Cameron. I'm watching a TV show right now where, uh, one of the lead female characters is named Cameron. Candice Cameron show. No, not, not Candice Cameron. What's the show?

It's called Halt and Catch Fire. It's a show that was on AMC in like 2013 or something like that. It's like the 17 of the pandemic or really scratching the middle of the barrel. There's still a little ways down to go, but you are definitely watching. There's a lot of TV shows out there. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's really good.

It's so funny to like, to kind of, to basically not care that much about a show and you're like, okay, let's try this one. And then you just get obsessed. It's hard to start a show, but once you're in there, it's really good. Yeah. Also, like there's so many good shows that full good ones happen for seasons at a time and people just don't even care or remember them anymore. Like this is, I assume it's a very good show that took years and years of thousands of

people of effort. I was like, yeah, I mean, there's so many good shows. I can't remember also Halt and Catch Fire. Like a hundred people, this is probably all they thought, like the cast and the crew of this show, the executives on it, it's all they thought they lived, breathed, Halt and Catch Fire for like four years. And I've never heard of it until now. And I love it.

Yeah. Which like, it's really a marketing failure on AMC Spark. Cause you were out there looking for shows for a year and didn't find it. Yeah. I've been trying. How did you finally find, how did you finally Halt and Catch this fire? I should say Jill, Jill is like kind of our TV guru. She, she will just be like, I think you might like this show.

Let's try this show. So we try different shows and this one just stuck. Yeah. That's good. Okay. This is a lady named Cameron who writes pretty tame emails. So I'll keep it brief. My brother's room is right next to mine.

And a little while ago he and his friend started a discord server and we'll be on it near constantly. Now I don't mind that he always is on the phone, even when he is around other people. I think it's sort of rude, but I can handle it. But what I cannot handle is him talking with them till 3am, practically yelling. I mean, the wall between our room has good soundproofing. So in order for me to hear him, he has to be pretty fucking loud. He has been keeping me up quite frequently.

So I'll text him to keep it down. Sometimes he'll take half an hour for him to read it. And quite often he quiets down for a bit, but then he gets loud again in an hour or so. He always apologizes for it. So I can, he's also in kind of a rage monster sometimes. So I can't even really get mad at him, even though I feel as though it totally justified. How do I get this guy to shut the fuck up while I'm trying to sleep?

Thanks. Love you Cameron. That's really tough because you are, you're doing the thing that I would do, which is send a text from your bedroom. Yeah, you dealt with, I mean, your younger siblings are incredibly quiet and polite. So you were probably the one making noise and keeping them up. But it wasn't, it used to be you had people over. Now it's like with the internet, you don't need to have people over at all.

You're hopping on a discord. You're screaming at the top of your lungs. Yeah. I mean, I wonder, is there a different, is there a different layout for the apartment? Like if his, if his like computer is against the same wall that your bed is on, like maybe you could put his, his discord set up in like a different corner of his room, move your bed, just try to get as far away as possible. There's probably some light soundproofing you could do for your door, like we've done

for the studio. Get like that, the, what's it called, the storm cover. Yeah. So like, you know, sounds coming in through the bottom, through like the opening between where the door is and the floor. You could just put a little piece of foam under there. Soundproof your room like it's a podcast studio. Yeah.

As much as possible. I know it sucks. And then the other thing I would say is just like, right now your system is not perfect because you're texting him and he doesn't see it right away. But if there was a more surefire method and hopefully he'd be willing to work with you on this, because as he knows, it's a recurring problem. It's like, I get that sometimes you get animated and you get loud. I need to have like a, like a, an instant, you be quiet type thing.

You know, like a light that you can flash outside of his window. Or, I mean, if he's on discord, could you just, like, could you send a message to him on discord instead of texting him? Yeah. I'm sure. I mean, the messages are reaching him. He's just not being quiet because when you're on discord, I mean, you're on discord, right? You get it.

It's a, it's an animated dynamic chatting environment. There's no slowing me down. There's a lot going on. On discord. Are you feeling familiar with discord? Only through like the headgub discord. I've never really used it that much. Yeah.

But it's like, it's kind of like a Reddit subreddit, but in live real time. So people are like chatting and they're like slack almost, but then you can also join video and audio chats. I used to use it for Mario Kart. No big deal. So you all hop in and you can chat with each other while racing in this game. Interesting. So you're on video discord and there's a chat and where is that happening?

It's on your computer while you're playing Mario Kart on the TV. Yeah. Well, it's just an audio chat room. It's basically a conference call. Oh, I see. So why is it any better than just like, oh, okay. It's just like, here's a link if you want to all talk. Yes, exactly.

Talk in real time. How many people can be on it? Probably dozens and dozens. We had like 10 in there, but I assume there's no limit. Yeah. Yeah. It feels like maybe he just needs, maybe you could give him different headphones. Like,

Yeah, there should be a silencer or a muzzle style because headphones are good because they, you know, the audio goes right into your ears, but you need a headphone for your mouth that silences the audio so that only discord can hear. And that might have to be an invention. Yeah. Like, yeah, we need a muzzle or a silencer so that I'm talking right now, but it's I don't hate that. I do not hate that invention at all.

Yeah. It's a noise canceling microphone as well. A noise canceling headset. It goes over your whole face so you can walk around, take calls as loud as you want. You won't be annoying anybody. That's really smart. I mean, I don't know how you would do it. But it's almost like a, it's like a Bane mask of sorts.

So you're like lowering this, this deck of cards shaped box over your mouth. Yeah. Instead of like modulating, it's a gas mask. Yeah. But instead of muffling your voice, it literally silences it like a ball gag almost, or it could actually even be a ball gag. I see by the way, they are confiscating your ball gag. Do you know what it's worth?

My fuck swing. They're just taking that out of spite. Yes, I was splashing cash around. I had a sex dungeon. Yeah. No wonder you were fucking tax evading. Look at you, living the life of a billionaire playboy while Uncle Sam was on your ass. So yeah, it's hard to deal with it.

Father Sam wasn't helping at all. Nice. Hard to deal with a young tween in the family. They're going to want to be loud. They're going to want to be up late. The most you could do is beg, borrow, and steal. And then can I recommend a white noise machine? Mmm.

Do you sleep in total silence, or are you using one of those white noises? I can sleep with any, like, sometimes. Yeah, no, I don't have a white noise machine. Sometimes I like the comforting sound of like a fan, but that's not what I need. What I need to sleep is the eye mask. I need that pitch blackness. I need that weight on the eyes, but ear was nothing. Interesting.

I prefer the white noise to the eye mask, because I don't like something on my face. I never get used to that. Interesting. Yeah, at this point, to me, my eye mask is almost like the way you talk about your retainer. It's like a... It's not a retainer. That's funny. Say that again.

Say that again with what it actually is. It's a night guard for your mouth. It's not that much cooler. It's a grind guard. Yeah. It's a grind guard. Yes. Because you grind your teeth.

When you say we sleep. Yeah, because I'm anxious, but when you say retainer, it sounds like I'm a fucking 14-year-old. When I say retainer, it sounds like you have straight teeth, but actually you have buck-toothed little chipmunk teeth, and you just grind them back and forth. So, you're right. Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you had straight teeth and a nice smile. You have a tiny little chipmunk teeth that you gnash against one another. It does function as a retainer.

Actually, so maybe that would... That's actually a good idea. Pretend I didn't say anything. I will. And actually, it's not even a retainer. Enough because you're asking me to. It's a fucking gun in a dildo. It really is a fucking AK-47 and a Sybian machine in my fucking mouth slash ass.

You were saying... You were saying... I don't remember. I don't remember what I said, and no one else does at this point either, because you just said to fall asleep, you need a fucking gun and a Sybian. In my mouth and ass, yeah. Yeah, I know where they went. And did I mention I sleep sitting up, spinning around on a fucking saddle going...

Going buck wild. Real quick before the break, you ever mess with, fuck with, deal with, have a weighted blanket? No, I've seen... I think I've used one at a friend's house before and I don't like it. It makes me feel claustrophobic. Interesting. Because usually with the eye mask, if you can get that pressure on your whole body, you might prefer that. Yeah, I don't know why I don't like it.

If anything, I like less blankets on me at night. I usually kick my feet out the blanket. I just like to know the blankets there, but I don't want that weight. It's a security blanket, so you just need a nearby. I like it nearby. And actually, I like my Bob on nearby if I can have it as well. You at the front desk of a W hotel. Holy shit, the IRS, they're really going to repossess my baba.

It only adds sentimental value, sir. Give it! No, no, no! He's tearing it. He took the nipple. All right, let's take a break. Come back. Answer some more cues after this.

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Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow! That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not-so-tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon,

these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me, personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma.

Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So, there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're a great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So, you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame.

This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like,

this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh, my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame?

Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So, you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app.

I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message to the display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah.

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Oh, wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th, so don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right.

And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a letter to the fight. Mom, I'm coming.

Gross. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I do? I talked about this on NADPod a couple of weeks ago, but there's a new song that I have been obsessed with. And I really, really like it. So I want a song.

A song. Yeah. I started listening. That's another actually unsolicited piece of advice. I started listening to music. I had to force myself to do it because four years of Trump made me only listen to podcasts and politics podcasts. I felt like if I was commuting somewhere or doing anything,

I needed to be consuming news and learn stuff and be kept up to date. And now I've started reintroducing music into my life. Interesting. And it's really nice. I got to say music is good. It's popular for a reason, you know? Okay. You have to say the song because I'm about to let Ben in here

and then he's just going to completely derail the show and not let you talk about any songs. Oh, this is huge. Okay. The song is called Nico's Red Truck and it's by a guy named Dijon. Nico's Red Truck Dijon. Listen. Cry your eyes out.

Ben Schwartz. He's asleep. He's asleep. You let him into the podcast. You sent him this link. He joined. He joined. He joined and then he fell asleep at some stage.

He's holding the phone. He's holding the phone so I know he's, he can't, of course. Yes, he's out. He's holding the phone. He's holding the phone so of course he's up. He can't be asleep. He's not going to say anything. There's no way.

No one listening is going to believe that he's on the podcast. There's no way. Yes. He hasn't said anything yet. He's still. This is crazy. We can't. By the way, we see you holding the phone.

There's no way that you're asleep. Please, you have to speak. You have to speak. Otherwise, people will think we're trolling. Morning guys. There he is. Not morning. 12.50, right?

You asked for the link. You're holding the phone. Two things you can't do when you're fast asleep. You literally just woke me up. Impossible. Just asleep. Impossible. That's crazy.

No way. Don't keep staring like stretching your eyes like they were closed. What's up? What do you guys want? Jake was talking about a song. A new song that he's listening to. Music specifically. Oh.

I didn't realize that you tried to get Ben on the podcast while he was sleeping. That's really rude. It's so annoying. By the way, Amir, show us some class. I haven't been sleeping well. You texted me. I'm really trying to get. Your face times me.

You texted me. Then you sent me an Instagram. He's so out of it. He's dazed. He's sleepy. You just woke him up from fucking mid-ram. Jake, your voice is so perfect. It's like that comment.

And then Amir when he talks. And then a FaceTime video request. So I phoned Alvin. I'm all angry that I didn't answer the FaceTime request. That's where you got me awake. What do you want? He's fucking. He's one minute to rest.

What's up? He's one minute to rest in between all the stuff that he's doing. They delayed our scene for 30 minutes. And I had 30 minutes to chill out for him to get dressed and go inside. What do you work? What are you shooting? What's get into? What are you working on nowadays?

Where are you? We're shooting Space Force Season 2. That's why you woke me up. Space Force to learn that we're shooting Space Force Season 2. I thought it would be a fun conversation we can have. It's shooting in LA. I think you're on location somewhere, right? You know where I'm shooting.

Why are you grilling Ben? You know we talk almost every day. You're grilling Ben. He just woke up. He just got out of bed. Thank you. It's not like a nice conversation. Out of bed?

He's out. How did you get to work if you were fast asleep? He's so sleepy. Look at him. He's still blinking. He's still blinking away right now. If you were fast asleep at the time, you should be awake by now. It's been three minutes of blinking.

Just open your eyes. He's going again. He's fast. Let him rest. Let him rest. He's fucking nuts. He doesn't get enough sleep. He doesn't get enough sleep.

There's no way this makes... Is this a podcast? This won't play in a podcast. Yeah, it's a podcast. Right. It's a podcast. Yeah. You sent me multiple FaceTime requests.

Then you called me. Why call after a FaceTime? Then you said, send me the link. I add you to the fucking podcast. You're fast asleep. You won't say anything. And then the one time you do talk is to say that this won't play on a podcast. You're right.

It won't play on a podcast. You're... You're asking again. How do you shoot a... Jake, what are you up to, man? I haven't seen you in bed ever. Yeah, man. It's been so long.

I miss you. Things are good. Things are good. You look great. Hey, you do too. I'm sorry about the nicks. I was really pulling for them. It was...

That was rough. Hey, congrats on your sons, baby. Congrats on your sons. Thank you. Yeah. I am. I finally took down the team that you said deserved to lose. He's a...

He's a little Ron fan. He was a Laker fan this year. Jake and I were rooting. May I, while I'm on this podcast, may I say something? That Amir, before the Laker son series started, Amir said there's no way the Lakers win were trashed. And then he goes, $20 says AD gets hurt. Wow.

I had to pay him $20. Damn. That's how... That's how good of a quote-unquote Lakers fan is. He bet against his team and he said, I hope that won one of our guys... You should be happy that you came out with $20, Amir. That's got to feel good. I actually came out with $30 from Ben because he thought the next would win Game 4 or something,

but it wasn't based on an Anthony Davis injury. I would never pull for one of my favorite players to tear their groin, Grade 1 or otherwise. Sorry. I am falling asleep. It's hard to keep up. What if you were shooting right now? What are you guys doing on the podcast? What's it?

I was saying, if you were actually supposed to be shooting right now, how are you fast to sleep? What if they needed you? Do you know your lines? I don't know that. I just... Yeah. Today, I know my lines.

What I do is... No. I don't know what my... You asked me where the process was? Sure. Sure. Thank you. I usually memorize...

If it's a movie or something like that, I'll try to know the script pretty good before we start, but then every weekend, I'll get down the weeks' worth of lines. How do you memorize them if you were by yourself? Are you working with somebody else, an actor, a coach, to feed the lines back to you? No. I learned early on. Great question. Thank you.

I learned early on that... I learned early on that if I'm going to be working every day on things, I can't rely on friends and stuff to run lines with me, so I just learn how to memorize it by myself. Yeah, especially some friends don't even respect your schedule enough to speak with you while you're awake during, like, daytime hours. So... I guess I'd like to do a plug right now. Sure.

You already have, but yeah. You could do another one. Peanut butter. I like peanut butter a lot. Even though it's not healthy for you, I like peanut butter a lot. Do you think it's healthy enough? It's healthy-ish. It's better than eating, like, chips.

Yeah, or sugar. Are you eating chips? Yeah. Oh, my God. Those are veggie chips. Those are wavy veggie chips. Those are good. I'm gonna eat...

If I'm gonna eat veggie, if I'm gonna eat chips, I'm gonna eat bones. Yeah, I think those are fake. Those are not actually, like, tomato and spinach. They're puffs. Yeah. They're puffed potato chips. Is the podcast still going on? Are you guys doing this for you guys?

Of course I'm doing this. Do this for us, guys. What are you talking about? You think I record a conversation with Jake just to have for us? I mean, you're reposting all these videos from 2014. Ooh. Burn on Blumenfeld. That's a great segue to the other thing we wanted to talk about.

We're now posting our videos on Instagram and TikTok, so you can watch them there at Jake and Amir. Can we talk about it? Can we talk about why you guys are doing that? Because I actually love Jake and Amir. Okay. Thank you. So, tell people why you're releasing these, and does it mean that something bigger is

on the horizon? Well, as you know, we do have our content back. So, this is the first time where we can finally post these videos in there. You got your content back. That little college humor doesn't know how to act. Yeah. Anyway, so, we, yeah, we're... You got it back.

I'm sorry, Sam Rice, but you got it back. I think I see John Malcolm in your trailer, too. What is he doing there? He must be really confused, yeah. He's in the makeup chair or something. So yeah, we're posting old episodes, and hopefully we're going to be able to make new ones soon. Wait till John Malkovich is on camera, because then we'll tell him about the new, the Jake and Amir TikTok.

What'd he know? Wow. It's a beautiful day in fucking Canada, isn't it? Beautiful day, eh? Oh, yeah. Wonderful day over here in Canada. No, yeah. It's gorgeous over here.

The only problem is, I can't, unlike any other shoot I've ever done. I can't leave, like, because there's a two week quarantine, so I used to tour, I used to go home, I used to, you know, visit Amir. Now I can't do any... It's a very interesting feeling, because indoor dining, like, just barely opened yesterday, the movie theaters aren't open, it's like... What do you do? To be in a place that you can't leave is a very weird feeling.

You can't leave, and you also basically can't do anything there. What do you... Like, what do you do? What's... What is your weekend? Are you shooting all week? Wow, thank you, yeah. So that forwards to our new YouTube channel, which is also up and running for the first

throw. That was a follow. Yeah. Shout out to them. A follow. Yeah, and you can just go to jaconamir.com. How many followers do you guys have? I think we're up to, like, 37,000 on there.

There you go, baby. There you go. That's all I'm doing. Making a dent. What do they get on your website that they couldn't get on the YouTube channel that's been there for years? There used to not be any way to... Or College Humor didn't care to categorize Jake and Amir.

Oh, Ben left. You left. Great. I had an answer. Oh, he's back. Oh, he's back. All right, yeah. There he is.

Okay. So yeah, they didn't know how to categorize Jake and Amir. They were all just... You're not going to leave. Okay. So they were just buried everywhere. We released them every week for five years, and there's not really any way to find them. You had to search for which one you wanted.

But on our YouTube channel, they're all in order. There's a playlist that we share. You can make a playlist with every single Ben Schwartz episode, and that could be on the homepage. Did you do a chronological order? We did. Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot.

How many videos are there? I can't hear you. You're eating. You're chewing on the... You literally just woke me up and you yelled at me that I had to get something to sleep. He has to eat breakfast. It's a lot. You wanted him to skip breakfast, too?

You want him to wake up and skip breakfast? Veggie chips for breakfast at one? He's also asking questions about our YouTube channel, which is really nice. Jake, this is insane. You understand why I hate him, right? He's so annoying. What are you talking about? Wait, can we do one of the famous Jake and Amir?

Jake, let's you and I do it. I'll play Amir. Sure. Do one of the famous ones that everybody knows. Okay. Would you know it? Or are you going to improvise? Amir, set up.

Sorry. All right. Jake, you started. I'll know it. I'm pretty good with Amir's lines. Yeah. Okay. Let's see.

What's a famous one? All right. Do a real famous one. Right. Okay. It's hard to. Jake, I don't ever start an episode. They're all reaction to Amir's line.

Let's say. I'll say, okay. I got one. What's the perfect amount of almonds? I guess two dozen. More like my pee pee hairs. That's not quite the line, but I can, I can roll with that. I would say I'm not a proud owner.

I bet I can take it. Wait. Let me, let me guess what Amir would say for real. I know. Yeah. I'm not the owner, the proud owner of onealmond.com. There you go. Then you would say something like, I would say, yeah, Google, that's worth billions,

tens of billions of dollars. Fine, my man, but who owns onealmond.com? Me. All right. That's pretty good, actually. Yeah. It might be better than the original video. All right.

Well, anything else you want to plug? Us or you? You. I'm only plugging your shit. No. I mean, we were, yeah, we were just recording, Jake was talking about how he's been listening to music for the first time in four years since all he was consuming. What new music?

What new music? I'll tell you what. I was just talking about a song called Nico's Red Truck by Dijon. Dijon is the, is the spread or is the artist? Is the artist and also an incredible spread, but in this case, the singer of Nico's Red Truck. Great. Can you sing it for me?

I haven't heard it. Just sing a little bit. Yeah. Okay. A wide angle smile and a mouthful of gold. Something like that. Is it a country song? Kind of.

It's like a hip hop country song. It's really good. Oh, like Old Town Road. Oh yeah. You like that? You little ghoul? I hear you laughing. You little ghoul.

What are you doing over there? Me? Yeah, you, you're a little ghoul. You're a ghost. You're a goblin. I thought it was funny when you were like, is it a country song? Cause like, that's what Jake sounded like. So I was like sort of laughing, but then you called me a fuck.

Is any of this, is any of this usable? It's fine. I mean, it's usable. We're going to use it. I just wish you weren't so antagonistic towards me. I was like trying to like, yes and you and you were calling me a goblin. Can you blame him for being a little cranky if you wake him up from the middle of a nap? If you.

And I haven't been sleeping well. You know I haven't been sleeping well. You knew that would I know that. What do you mean I haven't been sleeping well? And you said like, and you said, Ben, come on our podcast so we can plug our shit. Even though he was sleepy. We were talking about sleep. Sleep help in the first act.

Do you use a white noise machine? How are you helping yourself sleep? He's gone. He's gone. Yeah. Yeah. More than expected, actually, to be deserved. Does he try to hop back in like, or is that sort of that's all timing is everything.

Ben's got very good timing. So we could come in. He could come in at any second. Yeah. But he also might not. Because that would also be good timing because he knows that we're here talking about him right now. Right.

He has to. He feels it. He senses that. They need him on set. You have no idea what just happened in New York City. It is. It was like sunny three seconds ago. It is.

It's such an intense storm right now. Let me see. Can you see this? Are you seeing like, yeah. Oh my God. It's like a squall. It's foggy, deep fog, dark clouds, heavy rain instantly. Absolutely.

And it was you saw my fucking face two seconds ago. It was sunny. Oh my God. Are you okay? It feels like the end of the world. I have just become surrounded by a tempest. You're a tempest tossed. All right.

Let's take another break. Come back without Ben and see if we can actually answer a question. Okay. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place.

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first purchase of a website or domain again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. All right. Storm is kicking up in New York City.

We really got to go just in case it looks like your building is sort of starting to sway a little bit. You know, this is extra fucked because all my belongings are out of the front of the house right now. Yeah, that's not OK. They should put a tarp over the artwork. It looks like they're worth worthless. Monkey in the middle with some of the priceless artifacts.

I see the Baba being raised on a fucking flagpole. This is so messed up. They're absolutely savage. All right, let's try to answer some questions. Not that Ben is presumably dead. Here's one about a pearl farm theft. Very rare. Plural farm theft.

We'll call this guy Earl the pearl Monroe. Love it. Oh, this guy's living in Vancouver, just like Ben is right now. Here's a 22 year old Australian living in Vancouver. I worked for a year on a pearl farm in the northern territory of Australia. It's three hours from town by boat and a mess of insane cowboy. Activity. Wow. I bought seven pearls off of the farm.

Skip forward two years and your man breaks up with his girlfriend. She came over when I wasn't home to get her stuff. And now all seven pearls are missing. What the fuck do I do? I can't accuse her. I can't get them back, but it's tripping me up. I guess I'm really asking is how I can break into her place and rob her. How do I move on and forget about it?

Thanks, love Archie. Wow, a pearl thief. Do you think that she stole it? Yeah, well, no, I don't know, maybe I'm still hung up on the pearl farm, to be honest, which sounds like where I want to work. That's just so nice. I remember being in Hawaii once with my family and there was like this oyster pearl place thing like our.

I don't know anything about pearls. Are they actually found in oysters? Like, do oysters make pearls like that? Or am I just? Yeah. Do I have a 20 year old memory of that happening? I guess that's just what I think also. So I can't confirm or deny. But yeah, like, some oysters have pearls.

There's the John Steinbeck novel, The Pearl. That's that that's coming out of a clam. Yeah. So. Or a oyster one, right? Oyster, it is oyster. We don't we need to figure out like our pearls, just oyster shit that we collect and call it a hobby and call it a precious metal. And that's that.

OK, it's this just top search on Wikipedia. Pearls are made by marine oysters and freshwater mussels as a natural defense against an irritant, such as a parasite entering their shell or damage to their fragile body. The oyster or mussels slowly secretes layers of aragonite and conchiolyn materials that also make up its shell. So it's like the same things that make the oyster shell hard are being slowly released and they compact and they make a pearl.

That's insane. And for some reason, we think that's good to have as jewels. So I'll sort of take the boner of an oyster and put it in my ear and then I'll clutch them when things are looking dour on the day, like if there's a storm moving in, I'll just sort of clip this oyster shield and say, oh, my, oh, dear, oh, God. So do you think do you think that this lady friend stole his pearls? A pearl thief? It depends how often he saw them before.

Like if he knew exactly where they were, she came in and then they were gone. Then I think there's like a high likelihood. But if it's like I worked on a pearl farm seven years ago, I bought some pearls, I broke up with my girlfriend. I can't find the pearls. You know, you're connecting the dots, but you might be missing some dots, is all I'm saying. Also, like, is there any risk to say, did you take my pearls? Like this is an X, so you got to fire the one shot of like,

sure, there's only a two percent chance of her being like, yes, you found me, I'll give them back. Like you can't offend her, can you? It doesn't matter. I guess, I guess not. It is weird because it's not like he got the pearls for the X and she came to collect them unless, you know, unless you left that part out of the story. If they were gifts and she came back to reclaim the pearls. But yeah, if she just came and robbed him of his jewels, I would turn the house over.

I'd probably look pretty hard for them. And if I couldn't find them, I would. Me, I'd never say anything. But I think you're well within your rights to be like, hi, did you take my pearls? Yeah. What a weird predicament. Just a jewel stolen. I had a ruby and I suspect that my girlfriend stole them.

Do you steal a precious gem from me? A bright green gem. I have a rare earth mineral that you seem to have stolen. It came out of an oyster's ass. You have scondid with my shell. Let's try to get through one more question, since Ben kind of derailed us in the second act there. It's always nice to have them. Oh, another Canadian, a Canadian lady.

Nice. You know, let's just call this lady the most famous female Canadian, Celine Dion. That's what I was going to say. I work with a business that could be doing a lot better. But my boss recently has his head up his ass. I used to never really see him at all. But I had a shift swap because this other person quit. So now my day ends with him, which I hate.

Fast forward to my problem, scroll in on Facebook and they suggest him as a friend. So I go through his profile and he is just the capital of dumb ass town. My boss doesn't realize his profile is not set on private. So I can literally see everything he posts, including letting people know his wife is a virgin, that when they met, how he hates his family and he even livestreamed him venting why they don't talk to him. So my question is, should I tell him and risk getting lashed out on? Or should I tell all my coworkers or just not tell anyone and keep it all to myself? Thanks, love, Celine.

I would go back to just not knowing about this. It's not a this cannot. This does not have to be your problem. Mute him on Facebook. Take it out of the equation. There's you have no responsibility owed to tell him that. And you have no real you have nothing to gain from telling your coworkers anything. Yeah, you just remove.

He probably doesn't know or care that they're like he probably wants it to be public. He's venting and stuff on live stream. Right. It seems like it. And I mean, it's more just like this guy is bad at Facebook and seems like a weird boss. Yeah, you really just shouldn't be friends with your with your boss or employees on platforms like that. Yeah, there's no no good can come of it. But now there's LinkedIn, which is like kind of like professional Facebook, where you're sort of by default linked to your bosses and employees and stuff.

Yeah. And that's about it. But I mean, that's a better place to to have a connection than Facebook. Like if I had a boss that was friends with me on Facebook, they would see, I don't know, like 15 years of photos and stuff. And I wouldn't want that. If anything, I should delete my I shouldn't delete my Facebook anyway. Yeah, but I guess ignoring it seems to be the same thing. It was not like there's right thing.

Although, sheesh, in the last two weeks, you've posted a bunch of pretty conservative memes. I didn't realize you're still so active on Facebook. I'm just on your. Yeah. Well, it's only because the government is trying to fuck me by stealing my Baba. Whoever's in your house right now must be very confused at the words coming out of your room. And I'm also yelling it towards the hallway to get away from the microphone. And we should say that you are with your girlfriend's family.

So it's not like you can just roll your eyes and say, oh, at least my mom's going to. Who who is my girlfriend? Oh, sorry, your your in-laws house. Yeah. Yeah. Why don't you why don't you get it right next time? The first time without me having to remind you that you actually walked down the aisle at my wedding. You borderline gave me away and I wouldn't are you talking about? I expect you you way.

That's to have the class to remember the most important day of my life. The most important day of my wife. Yeah, sorry, I'll I'll do my best, I guess. But don't think that I like gave you away or like, yeah, walk down the aisle. I was there. It was an amazing day. Yeah, you gave me away. I didn't say that you keep saying it. So yeah, I'll do my best to remember.

By the way, we had our first you and I had our first dance down the hallway. No, no, no, that was you and Jill. I was the best friend dance. Yeah, we did. Are you getting flashbacks to the storm the night before your wedding as a building gets pummeled with the sheets of rain? Yeah, honestly, did you hear the thunder clap? That was just like our rehearsal.

Can you see can you see lightning? Mm hmm. Just flashes, not the I can't see the streaks, not the bullets. Yeah, they're happening. All right happening. Let's let's call it here before you get completely drenched. Right. Again, the email address for all your

questions and theme song submissions is if I were you show a gmail.com. Uh huh. And if you're eager for more content, there's always our Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. We're still watching old videos, making a weekly new video, some animated sketches on there now, too. Yeah, and we own these videos. So subscribe to our YouTube channel because it helps support us.

You can check out the Tik Tok, the Instagram, you know, just search Jake and Amir on shit and throw it a follow. Yeah, we're vertical. We're horizontal. We're doing our best to adapt to the ever changing times. My my goal is that the Tik Tok channel becomes so popular that there's a new batch of 15 year olds that discover and like, who are these guys?

And then wow, they have 800 videos. They're really prolific Tik Tok makers. How do they know to shoot it so vertical like that? The opening theme song was written by. Oh, great question. Me, right? It was the the one that you loved about giving me the golden mic. Yeah, I did love it.

I did love it. Did we give him a shout out? Yeah, he said he had nothing to plug, right? Yeah, but I don't know if I said his name, which was Dustin Clark. Dustin Clark. So thank you, Dustin Clark. And this closing one is it. But what is it?

OK, great is another epic ballad from Chris Finn, who wants to give his shout out to his podcast, critically ashamed. Nice. Him and his buddies reviewing bad Netflix movies. Respect. So, yeah, it's a it's pretty good pun from critically acclaimed to critically ashamed. Check out, yeah, Finn's podcast. Thanks to you guys for listening.

Of course, we'll be back next week, every week for the next eight years. Oh, my God. Namaste. Bye. If I were you, I wish I was you. But Jake's a creep. Homey is a weirdo. What the hell am I listening to?

Oh, if I were you. Well, I don't care if it hurts. I want to get it right. I want to make it get the 30. I want to seize the cheese. And I want you to know when I don't listen. Oh, if I were you. I wish I was you.

But Jake's a creep. Homey is a weirdo. What the hell am I listening to? Oh, if I were you. Yeah, home, we turned off the phone. Oh, mom, we turned off the phone. Off, off, off, off. Off, off.

Mom, turn off the podcast. This podcast makes me happy. The advice is the best. If I were you. I wish I was you. But Jake's a creep. Homey is a weirdo. What the hell am I listening to?

If I were you. If I were you. That was a hit gum original.