If I Were You - 492: Misunderstood

Episode Date: June 14, 2021

In this episode we discuss new grandmas, old lovers, and the perfect Jake and Amir tattoo.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a head-gum original. I'll imagine a mirror and Jake too I guess, giving you the advice you need. Ask them all that you care, they'll answer I swear. Maybe poorly, nothing's guaranteed. When the girls don't text back, or your roommate's a dick, and you don't know what else to do. Come on now, right on in, let the healing begin. With another, if I were you, show. If I were you, show.

It starts right now. Maybe with a bit, but really they'll get to your problem somehow. If I were you, show. For real, let's begin. Here's two jewels for you, to help you, it's true, you fucking virgin. What was the thought process that went through this guy's head before he decided to cover Arabian nights? The fifth best song from a Disney musical 28 years ago. It's so random, it's perfect.

Now I want to be prepared. And Arabian nights cover, finally. I need a be prepared cover from Lion King, two years after that. God, that's a good deep cut for Lion King, that's very nice. If you're listening, Reuben Delight, who came up with that theme song, recorded it himself, finally decided to write you guys a theme song. He says, based on Arabian nights, Opa Aladdin style. I don't do any music for you to shout out, but I do cosplay on Instagram. So my handle is Reuben Delight, R-U-B-E-N Delight, that would be awesome.

Love the show, thanks for making it. Reuben Delight. That's good. Like a Reuben Delight. Because Reuben's so hot, more often than not, in all his cosplay. Wow, that's really good. Thank you. That was, fuck.

Might have been the coolest thing you've ever said. No. It was like, you were listening to what I said about him doing cosplay, and you wove that in. You should do musical improv more, I think. Interesting. Yeah, okay. I'm kidding. That was a fucking one.

It was a one rhyme that I feel like you did by accident. You backed into that shit, luckily. You regret going to be a compliment. My back, it was a lucky shot. I think so. I think you just fucking swung wildly and accidentally hit the ball. Yeah, I kind of did. I kind of did, but I feel like there's that peak performance top of my game.

The way that Steph Curry can fall into somebody, fall down, and sink a three. And it's a little wild, but it's another level. I should be able to fly fast and loose in the heat of the moment like that. Yeah, I don't know. I'm an elite performer is what I'm trying to say. Right. They say, and I will be regarded as such, and I will be treated as such. And I will be revered.

Nice. Much. Yeah, I guess, I don't know. I guess the listeners of the show are, I don't have to be a fan of you. I just have to talk to you. It's up to the audience to decide. You have to talk to me. Revere you.

With respect and with reverence. And I don't think with reverence. I don't think, yeah. You're not a reverend, so I don't have to treat you with reverence. I think you, let's get into the show, and I don't feel like we need to belabor this, but you should tremble to behold me. Oh my God. Yeah.

What? I should, I, the first thing you said was fine. I should respect you. I'm not going to be mean to you. Okay, thank you. That's the baseline. That's the baseline. I should definitely not treat you with reverence, which is like, I'm honoring you in a way.

I think we're equals. If anything, we honor each other at most. Not really. And to tremble before you, like, you're what? Like a sight to behold. I fear you like a God. Oh God, yeah. No.

No, I don't tremble before you. And nor should I tremble before you. You will. I only pray to one man. Who's that? And that's the goat LeBron James. All right. He is the God.

All right, Pete. Not you. Yeah. I will not worship a false idol. And that's what you are. You're a false idol, an American idol. And I appreciate it. Arabian.

Yeah, let's go. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the entire web hosted by us. I'm Amir, a.k.a., trying out Rodney for size. You can go for whatever you want. Call me Amir. Call me Rodney going forward. And I'm speaking to Jake, who's a.k.a., Godney. Godney and Rodney.

No way. Coming at you fast. Well, one is holier than now. The other is just the other is a troll named Rod. Now I don't want to be Rod because you, you, you've won up to me. Godney. Godney and Rodney. Imagine a Rodney so powerful.

He is a Godney for that. You went to a bar yesterday for the first time in a year and a half. Indoor, maskless, drinks, sweaty. No mask. Bartender's no mask. Wow. No mask. People in the, in the line to the bathroom.

No masks. Elbow to elbow at the bar. Getting cut off for drinks. Reaching over people. It was insane. It was back. Were you fully in it? Were you kind of nervous?

Was it, did it feel like it had been a year and a half? I was nervous like going in. Well, like as I just out of habit, you like, I walked in. I was putting my mask on at the door. So you had a mask. Yeah. I had a mask and then, you know, that nobody, literally no one in there was wearing one. I was like, Oh, I guess.

Because indoor dining so far has been like, you wear the mask when you're up, when you're ordering, when you're walking around, but at your table, you can take it off. Right. But now it's just like, yeah, literally no one had it on. So it was not like, it was surprising, but you get used to it really fast because it's comfortable and convenient and it's nice to have not have a mask on. Yeah. And getting there and back, public transport Uber as normal.

Yeah. We took an Uber. Uber, you got, you got to wear the mask still. Oh God. Of course. You got to wear a mask. I think that's when you're in the bar with 700 other people, no mask, not no problem. But then that car with that one, dude, let's show some respect.

Yeah. It's really auto. Yeah. It's tacky. Windows down, mask on, farting up a strong. Yeah, but it was great. It felt good. I was hungover today.

Wow. For the first time in a very long time and it made me happy. Did it? 2 a.m. God, can you imagine? Jesus. Did you talk about COVID at all or was everybody ignoring it? No, we didn't talk about COVID at all.

Wow. It wasn't a topic of conversation. Yeah. Holy shit. Maybe at some point. Yeah. Yeah. Like it wasn't even until today that we were like reflecting on it.

And maybe at some point we were like, this is awesome or this is crazy. But like Micah had gone out a week or two before and he's experienced this. It was just my first time. Yeah. So everything went as according to plan. Like nothing had happened in the last two years or did it feel like everyone was ready, extra ready to get turned? It was a little bit of people being extra ready.

Like a lot more. I feel like there's just goodwill in like looking at your fellow human's faces now. Right. Like looking around the bar, just seeing people. I just like, you know, you're smiling at random people and nodding like everybody's acknowledging that we've been through the shit. Now we're getting drunk again. Now we're joy again.

We have joy to weave. I mean, I wonder, I guess like it's also because I'm married, but like, I don't know if I would like meet new random people at a bar the way that I would have before COVID. Because you still fear the stranger? Or it's just, I don't think I fear them, but it's just not, I don't know. It feels like when you go to a bar, you just are there with your posse and that's it. Right. But maybe it'd be different if I was like a single or something.

But would you have to be ready to mingle as well? Or is it just a singleness? Or were you also, in addition to being single, you have to be ready to mingle? Yeah. You have to be ready to mingle. Oh, wow. You know, like what are the waxed and waxed, waxed and waxed? Summer.

Yeah. Roring twenties. Yeah. Are you, have you gone out? Have you done anything? You went out to brunch today. Yeah. Brunch parties, indoors, outdoors, social events.

Parties. Yeah. Literally like birthday parties are back. People are just like, like, all right, we're in. Let's do this. Come over to my house. Come outside. Or inside.

Doesn't matter. And then it's, it always says, please only come if you're waxed, but nobody's checking that. Nobody's actually showing anybody that passport. Yeah. That's true. That's true. I have it on my phone.

I don't have the passport. If anybody asks. But you're going to a friend's house, so you wouldn't like need to show a vaccine passport to go to a birthday party. No, but like the invite says, please only come if you're waxed. Yeah. And everyone just assumes everyone else is. Right.

Yeah. Do you know anybody that's not vaccinated? No. But maybe they are. And they're just not telling me. I had a friend tell me the other day that was like, yeah, I'm like afraid of needles. And if my wife didn't like urge me to get it, I probably just wouldn't have gotten vaccinated and not told it.

God. Needles there. I don't respect that at all. They're not that scary. You cannot like them, but you can't be afraid of needles to the point where you won't get it like the COVID vaccine. It's you're not you're not that afraid of needles. He was really afraid of needles.

He wanted to wear clothes because like they were stitched at a certain point. Yeah. But he freaks out when he sees a bobby pin because it's a blunt needle. And they have tattoos too. Does he really? Yeah. This person has tats. And he was like, I'm too afraid of needles.

But like, you know, tattoo feels like stinging sensation, but mostly a marker, a needle into your body is a different level of fear. Yeah. It hurts a lot less. I had a friend of mine went on a date with somebody who this was like before the vaccines, like everyone was getting vaccinated. Like they hadn't released them to our age group yet and they were talking about it. And he was like, I'm not going to get it.

I want to do my own research. You want to do your own research? Yeah. So like the scientists everywhere are like one line of thinking, but like I'm Chad and I'm just going to get into the data myself and see what it says. You know what? I actually did my own research. It's really tinker.

It corroborated it. So like awesome job everyone whose job it is to figure out whether it's safe. I like looked at, I crunched the numbers and I reached the conclusion as well. I also burned my eyebrow off with a Bunsen burner. So if anybody has an ointment for that, I'm actually going to do a DIY vaccine. Like I don't trust that Moderna Pfizer shit. I want to like get in the lab myself and see if I can tinker with this, this beast. I want to go toe to toe with this monster and see who comes out.

I poisoned myself with a placebo. I got so sick, I almost died, but you know, it was worth it to do my own fucking research. The Chad test. Is it up to snuff? Does it pass the Chad test? Does it pass the guff? Is it up to snuff? Ultimately, I died that year, but it was fine for the sake of science.

All right. Here's actually a tattoo related question that we got. Oh, a tattoo. You forwarded it to me. That's right. We'll call this guy Raisin Ramon. Raisin Ramon says, this might not be your typical question as my situation isn't exactly sticky, but I need your guidance to put it simply.

I need to know what the perfect jacony or tribute tattoo would be. I know it's a bit self-serving, but you guys have been a huge part of my life, whether it's a single almond, a goose with dentures, or a cockmeat sandwich, I need this art on my body. So help me. Oh, so help me and your other Robert fans by formally, by verbally forming the tapestry in which to decorate our bodies. Here's some simple and catchphrases to lube you boys up with.

So he gave us a short list. Great. Golden mic. As we squeak. Nice. A bad amount of money. Great. A slice of gum.

That's good. That's good. Do we need to say anything else? Should I just say slice of gum on his neck? It's a good tattoo. Yeah, I feel like even Jake and Amir fans won't recognize that if they saw it in the wild. All rice. That's good.

That's really good. Beefing soy or tears of soy, bad blank, bad you, cockmeat sandwich, single almond or goose with dentures, toe dot love raisin. I mean, I do, I think this happened on Twitter once also and some people weighed in and I feel like my favorite was bad tattoo, not bad you because it's a meta. Right. Yeah. And it's funny even without, it's like pretty funny even without knowing Jake and Amir because

it's so dumb. I do like the artistic element of just a goose with dentures. That could be appreciated by anybody. Single almond is probably getting one on your ankle or even a little bit on your dick or elbow. Not on your dick. A shaft or your elbow. I was going to say your elbow or your balls.

Where your forearm meets your elbow. Not on your groin or grundle. Yes, grundle. That's exactly right. No. That's insane. We're about two almonds, one above each of your little, little testes. So like instead of one almond, it's like a reference to.

You're obsessed with his tests. I'm obsessed with his tests. I'm obsessed with you. That could be the tat. That's good. I think, yeah, I'm trying to think of like other visual things that have happened in Jake and Amir like likes sale or like one almond. One almond, I think might be the perfect one.

I also have another one like a heart with a little ribbon and it says load in it. That's good. Yeah. So yeah. Oh, like instead of mom, almost like a prison tat. What about like the almond is a tear like, you know, you get it in prison or something when you killed someone. So you have a little almond tear.

But then if you're going to do that, then you should have it be a little like a tear. But then on your temple, it's a little bottle of soy sauce. Oh, that's good. Because you're crying. Soy almonds. Yeah. You're beefing. And then across your forehead, it says, I'm beefing soy almonds on laundry day.

And then down the neck is the YouTube URL of the video. Yeah. And on your back, it's just a mural that says so ace. That's really cool. It's a mad folding. So it's like half your face, half mine. But when you flex, it like creates one image. Yeah.

No, I think I think one almond is solid. Would you get that tattoo with me? Probably not. But if I had to get a tattoo, I would probably do that in a place that's like hidden like a single almond on my ass or something like that. That's good. All right. Sweet.

We solved the problem. Would it have to be brown? Like, or you can make an almond. I guess the shape is distinct enough. Yeah. And well, I feel like you could do like a gray scale or black almond because it's got like kind of that, the little pattern that you can, you know, not fill in. I wonder if anybody even has one.

I'm just, let me just Google one almond tattoo. Yeah. Almond tattoo. Yeah. I see one. People have them. Is it in relation to us or just not enthusiast? These people are nuts for nuts.

It has to just be, this person has like what appears to be like a plant-based thing going on. That's cool. On there. What do you think the worst? Another one actually. The worst nut to have. The worst nut tattoo to have is probably like one of those big Brazil nuts like sort of

on the back of your knee. So it doesn't really look like anything, you know, it almost looks like a kidney bean. You know those big, it almost looks like a garlic bulb or something like that. Right. A Brazil nut. Search Brazil nut on the back of your knee tattoo and see if it comes up yields any results. Another bad one would be a pistachio on your nose because it looks like you just have like a little pistachio on your nose.

Search pistachio on your nose tattoo. Okay. One second. Yeah. The thing that is coming up is Mr. Peanut Tattoos. People have Mr. Peanut Tattoos. That's like, you know, the brand is strong. The pistachio tattoos, but there's not, no one has one on their nose.

Yeah. Marty has the lightness right on their nose. The head gum lightning on his arms. So that's like getting a brand tattooed. I guess it's a little different because, you know, he founded head gum. It's not just like, I'm a big fan, but getting a brand like the Mr. Peanut. If you had to get a brand anywhere, what are you thinking? Nike swoosh on your Achilles to sort of like help you run fast?

I would probably get the Oakley O on my cock. Yeah. All right. Let's take a, let's take a break. That was really, really blue. That was, it kind of knew real good. You were doing, didn't know it didn't. That was classless.

You were talking about putting the, it wasn't classless. I would never say the Oakley O. You were recently talking about this guy getting a tattoo on his testicles. So it was nuts. The O is what bumped you? It was the Oakley on the cock thing. That was so unnecessary. Classless, assless.

It was tone deaf and cancelable, quite frankly. Really? Yes. And I really think I'm going to out you in a medium or long blog post. I get into the details. That starts with what? That says that you, today, I lost a friend is how it would start. And it's like, no, he's not dead.

He's actually dead to rights slash me. Let me explain. Right? Yeah. Dot, dot, dot. Then they serve an ad. Scroll down for more. Oh my God.

And then just an audio. It's fucking clickbait. It's clickbait. You piece of shit. It's a slide. They serve an ad. They served an ad. Yeah.

The pixel fires. I get paid on the back end. That's a banner. That's a pre-roll. Suddenly, I am monetizing. Pop up. The ending. Pop up.

Pop up. Clickbait. Clickbait. Pop up. Link banner. Click on these two links and then X out. Keep this background ad running while I tell you a story. Then we run the MP3 of you saying the horrible thing I don't even want to say.

Download the plugin. Get the plugin. You get the plugin. There's a pre-roll. It's an ad for me, undies. It's an ad for Mr. Pina. Oh, and guess what? This whole thing is co-sponsored.

It's branded content. It's SponCon for Oakleys. Thank you. You just made me a billionaire. What did you have to do for it? You have to say bye-bye to your life as you know it. Okay. The whole thing is like blowing up trending hashtag.

Oh, wait. Debochle. Debochle. It's like a debacle. Oakly debacle, basically. Oakly debacle. Yeah. I guess.

Yes. And sunglasses sales go through the tooth. What does that mean? That means I'm getting a tattoo of your teeth on my ass. And guessing it's painful. Now you're canceled. And now you're canceled. I'll delete this entire section.

This whole runner won't ever see the light of day. And I'm sitting on gigs of fucking audio of terrible shit like the Donald Trump tapes that will never, ever be released. Yeah. Nor should they be. I can't believe we have the Donald Trump tapes. We do. And I'm proud of us for sticking to our guns and not releasing that.

Yeah. Because, you know, at the end of the day, it's all about the larger issue of privacy. And we don't want to sort of open that Pandora's box of big brother libertarianism style vigilante justice, I guess. Thank you so much for listening, guys. Let's take a pretty important break. It's actually a really important break, and we'll be back after these kind of interesting messages.

Why do you just throw it to it? Okay. I'm going to. Bye. For now. We'll be back. Right. Shortly.

They've experienced it before. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you to Stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business. But with Stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer, and they can bring the post office in your office.

So if you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it. If you need to sell products online, Stamps.com seamlessly connects with every major marketplace and shopping cart. Running a business isn't cheap, so Stamps.com has huge carrier discounts. We're talking up to 84% off USPS and UPS rates, holy smokes. And for 25 years, Stamps.com has been indispensable for over one million businesses. So if one million businesses can trust Stamps.com, certainly you can too. Set your business up for success with Stamps.com today.

Just sign up with promo code, if I were you, for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. Wow. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com. You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code, if I were you. And that gets you a free four week trial, free postage, and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good.

Thank you, Stamps.com, for sponsoring this show. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is.

Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents.

Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice.

Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant?

Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way.

By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. She let her know with an Aura. Yeah.

Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah.

Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah.

It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow.

This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something, all right, and use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free

shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a letter to the father. Mom, I'm coming.

Gross. Yes. Yes, I sure do. I'm very much enjoying the Euros, the Euro Cup 2020 Tournament for all my football heads out there. That's right. It's on now. It's happening now.

Who's your squad? Insane so far. Yes. Somebody almost died on the pitch. I saw Danish footballer collapsed. He basically did die when I was back. They used a defibrillator on him. Jesus.

Like the team doctor said that he was gone, like dead to rights. Yeah. And he's not just like a random Danish player either. He's like one of the best. Yeah. He was like a heart issue. Is he going to have to retire? It sounds like he had a heart attack and I don't know what kind of condition he's going

to be in after, but it's, I mean, you're getting CPR on the pitch. It's not good. Is there anything else that happened that was good? There is that pretty much what you want people to see. You kind of fucked up little fan. You little rotten pervert getting on to this fucking. By the way, it was, that was, it was bad, but it was also very beautiful. The Danish team formed a linked arms and formed a circle around him to give him privacy.

The team captain and the goalie consoled his girlfriend, the Finnish fans chanted his name in a call and response with the Denmark fans. Then the game was postponed and apparently from the hospital, this guy said that he wanted the team to continue playing. So they went back out onto the pitch crying and lost, but still, they lost. They played and they lost. That's really fucked up. Does Finland celebrate a goal after that?

It's like, yeah, they really want us to play and then their heart's not in it. And then Finland scores the fucking go ahead goal. Are they like taking off their shirt running around and pumping up the crowd? Or is it more of like a subdued celebration for that? It'd have to be a muted celebration. Yeah. But yeah, so that was, I mean, that was the most insane. But also it's just like, it's really fun to watch and you don't really,

it's kind of like the World Cup for me. I don't know who I'm going to root for until I start watching the game and then I like start to like players and stuff. Yeah, it seems like you should be rooting for England since you like the Premier League. Yeah, but there's a lot of players on every national team that play in the Premier League. Right. So you there's like, yeah, a Croatian man on Chelsea. So you got to root for that country.

Exactly. Exactly. Right. America should be in it now that I think about it. That way we can get a little bit more involved in this international tournament. Yeah, because the the US men's team did win like an insane. Oh, yeah, over Mexico, Mexico. Yeah, so I'm wondering if we should also play Netherlands today. Yeah, we could. Well, it would be like Mexico.

Yeah, today they already played Ukraine. But like, I feel like if America showed up and demanded a fucking match. That's very American. Yeah, I was going to back down from that. You know, all right, you beat Ukraine. Can you take us on for size? Yeah, no, we just played. We played in a score and a quick hat trick.

Wait, we actually weren't warmed up. We're like fucking jet lag. We came up with this idea high two days ago. I can't fucking believe you did it. You played us. Why did the refs even stick around for this shit? It's absurd. We do. All right.

So what what channel is that on? Whatever, NBC, ESPN. Yeah, I mean, it's on it's on ESPN. I think it's on NBC unless it's on ABC. But it's on it's on all the ESPN's ESPN one, two, three. Various sports streaming for free online. Find a way. Get into it. Yeah, get into it. It's good.

It's good football. All right, here's a question that caught my eye. You forwarded to me first time meeting my grandma. Yeah, not my boyfriend's grandma, my grandmother. Right. So why don't we call this guy Jake Nerdwits? Sounds like a loser. Jake Nerdwits writes, I'm a 24 year old man

for the first time ever. I have the opportunity to meet my grandma on my dad's side. Not only is this the first meeting time meeting her, but it's the first time speaking to her as well. Growing up, nobody ever talked about her. And there's also some story where at like for 16 years before I was born, he thought she was dead. But anyway, plans have been made to finally meet this upcoming Monday.

My dilemma is, even if I went to meet her at this point, my entire life, she's known I've existed, but never made any effort to make contact. Also, she has talked to my dad on the phone recently and still hasn't wanted to talk to me or my siblings. I didn't know she existed till I was 16 in a random conversation with my dad. So do I go meet this 93 year old for the first and probably last time?

Or do I just go up on Tinder and find a dime piece to make time with sees the chase? That's the other option. I got to go with the Tinder date, right? Imagine you can fucking go to first base with a 10. You can see your grandma. Yeah, to connect with your own ancient flesh and blood. But like to fucking I'm sorry, but hook up with a smoke show.

If you're going to swap spit, grandma has to get that. She has to understand she had a baby once, you know, your father. So she's definitely gotten laid. Yeah, you got you got it. You got to hang out with grandma. There's not really a there's not really another option. Yeah, hopefully you listen to this episode

and only amazing things can happen. Like, what if you meet your grandma and you like, you know, unlock something special? It feels like this is the beginning of a really cool adventure slash story and at worst, it's just this boring, weird time. And she's kind of mean to you and you don't ever see her again. But you know what, at least you tried. I also just feel like I noticed in this question that he's like,

she didn't ask about me. You're projecting this thing onto grandma that is like, she doesn't give a shit about me. Why should I give a shit about her? But like you found out about her eight years ago and you also didn't go see her or reach out. Yeah, so it's kind of it's a two way street. You don't know what you got to cut grandma some slack.

And yeah, you don't know the whole story. And maybe this is you're not going to have another chance. Tinder's always going to be there. The dimes will keep on diving. And then maybe your grandma has like someone she can set you up with in a way. Like, oh, actually nurse at the hospital. I went to once is right, not a dime, but at the very least a nine with a pretty good job.

Right. And nine with health benefits. That's a New York ten. Regardless of where this person lives. So yeah, it'll be interesting to like, yeah, and like get to know her. And then you can probably get cash when she pass is. Day, which would be sad. No one's asking for that to happen. Obviously, no one wants.

It's not like that to happen. It's not about the money. It's about making a connection with your ancestors. It is about. Yeah. And the stronger the connection, the the more firmly established you will be in the will now is not a probate judge in the land that will take that cash from you. Because don't worry about the money.

Do it for. I'm not worried about the money. Because it's also about it's also about the assets. That's what I was going to say, because it's not just the cash. But it's the things that she owns. It's the property. Yeah. No, I know. There's monetary benefits to potentially meeting up with your grandmother. But don't think about that as the reason why you go to. Yeah, because it's not like, oh, I'm dead.

Here's a million dollars. No, you like there's an estate. There'll be an estate sale. You may have to go to the probate court, as I mentioned. But you can, you know, much about this shit, this estate. The fact that you know about all this stuff means like, I don't want to know what kind of nefarious shit you got into recently. But you definitely know about the ins and outs

from like a personal in a personal way, it seems like, especially the word. All I'm saying is that you get. Yes, you can inherit things that are not actually ancestrally yours is what I will say. There are there are ways to skirt the law. Jake is holding a gold bar as you tell us this to you. I've never seen you have that, that old coin, a sack of old coins. Where did you get a super expensive lamp, a state sale, actually?

Nice, really nice. Here's another question from someone that's saying karaoke with you on Nantucket. Whoa, OK, are you familiar with this man? Yes, yes, I am. OK, we'll call this guy. I don't know who's the most famous person in Nantucket. Tommy Hilfiger. Oh, yeah, you've had a house there. Tommy H writes, I have a small predicament.

I just moved to a city where a new friend of mine from grad school lives. For background, this friend is a girl and in a very steady, long term relationship. My girlfriend is prone to jealousy and made a big stink when I said I was going to hang out with my old friend. I have absolutely no ill intentions in mind vis-a-vis my school friend, but I don't want to cause any friction with my girlfriend by meeting up with her. Do I meet up with her and her boyfriend? To be honest, he's fun and not tell my girlfriend.

Or do I tell her and probably make her uncomfortable? My girlfriend is a long distance is long distance. So going on a double date is not really an option any time soon. And as of right now, I'm pretty much ignoring my school friend, which seems to be the path of least resistance. But I feel bad, long time fan, especially since I sang karaoke with Jake in Nantucket. Love Tommy H. Big. Yep. I remember it was at the Rosencrown, I believe.

That's cool. Yeah. What song? That I don't remember. I don't remember at all. I wouldn't have. I wouldn't have sung is the thing. So he must have sung and we met at some point. Got it. Yeah. And in terms of this. Pretty committee's in.

Can you hang out with this lady and her boyfriend? That seems to be like a pretty casual, non-cheating way to hang out with someone in a new city. Yeah. I feel like this is if your girlfriend's jealousy is an issue, this is like this, this has to be addressed. You're doing something not nefarious. You're hanging out with it's not even it's not even this guy's like ex. It's a friend of his that's a girl and her boyfriend. Frankly, this is insane.

This is grounds for expulsion. I mean, you deal with this head on by just being like there's nothing to be jealous of. Like what you're what I think someone who is jealous. What they fear is it's not just the act of cheating. It's the demise of the relationship and what this is spelling out, even though you're not hanging out with your friend, which maybe in the jealous person's eyes, that's good. I think it spells out the demise of the relationship

because you're going to grow resentful. You're going to be kept prisoner from like having friends of the opposite sex. That's not a healthy, good way to live. And it's worse for the longevity of the relationship, which is what the jealous person wants to preserve. Or you don't talk to anybody while you're at this new city because you're afraid of angering this partner that you're with. And you wouldn't like her when she's angry.

Oh, yeah. So you have to do postmates, but contactless delivery because at a certain point when you're collecting your food, you're going to brush. Can I see what is that? Can I see that postmates profile picture because she's not like you? Isn't she? No, it's it's a guy. It's Manny. Manny dropped off a burrito bowl. I did not even fucking look at him.

Why did you tip Manny 25 percent? Ah, that's a pandemic. I want to be nice blow you. Really outstanding service for Manny, right? He gave me a hand job. You're talking about it like he went to oral base. Oh, my God, you're jealous. You're absolutely a menace because I did hand stuff with my Uber delivery driver.

That's cheating. Oh, my God. That's cheating. Well, if that's not cheating, then, yeah, it was all dry. Yeah, you can't cheat if it's dry. And so is the chicken. By the time I got to it after the handy that Mandy gave to me. Sorry, Manny. I was in a bit of a stuck in a rhyming scheme, but either way, I'll be good.

I think you got to say I'm hanging out with this couple. I'm sorry it makes you uncomfortable, but I promise we won't triple kiss or some shit. What are you worried about? I can have friends. I think it also helps to like know know your intentions in your heart, you know, like if you are hanging out with this girl and her boyfriend because purely you are in a new city and you want friends, which I believe it sounds like that's the case and go with God, you are good.

And if you're like, well, no, the girl's kind of hot and I really like talking to her, then. Then check yourself. You know, that song that goes, I'm just a girl whose intentions are good. Oh, Lord, please don't help me be misunderstood. No, I do not. All right, let's take a break and or shit. I really thought you would have known that song, but that's OK. I doubt I sing it well or correctly.

Anyway, ask wipe. I'll just I'll look it up because it's starting to like piss me off. How little you know, starting to. Yeah, you're you came into this conversation mad. I'm going to find it during this break. I really will. And I'll come back and we'll play the song and you'll fucking listen to it for once. OK, relax.

Let's take five. I see. Oh, yeah. Enjoy the day. Let's take five. Let's take five weeks off. OK, five weeks. No, no, I can do this. I could power through. Give me fucking minutes. Jesus Christ, everything's a fucking vacation with you.

All right, we'll be back. Christ. You know what? This is not working. I'm going to go to Ibiza for a week and a half. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate

yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful.

Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today, you can get 10% off your first month.

So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a

mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were

you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Good. Oh, Lord, don't let me be misunderstood. Do you remember that?

How does that sound? I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. Yeah. I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. Oh, Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood. No, I do. Did that sound familiar to you? No, it didn't.

But I liked it. It was nice. I like the song. It's not evidently not evidently not. Did you like it? I did like it. Really? Why do you think it's evident that I didn't?

I said I wasn't familiar with it, but I liked it. Yeah, I just I have this weird fucking hang up that you've probably heard every song that you'll ever like. Yeah, that is a weird fucking hang up. I can't seem to try as I might get over that fucking absurd reality. That doesn't even make sense. Yeah. To others or me.

Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Oh, actually, I was going to ask you, but it can be my unsolicited. Did you watch the Bo Burnham special inside? No, I watched I watched like I watched some of it. Jill was watching it when I was out and I came home and I finished watching it with her. I highly recommend it. Yeah, I highly recommend it, not only to Jake, but to everybody.

I watched it all in one sitting and I was like, wow, that was very intense. But now I find myself going back, listening to the songs, enjoying it on like a purely musical level, in addition to like the insane story and journey that he takes us through. Yeah, yeah, I forget what song it was. It's like there it goes again or something like that. Yeah, that funny feeling. Yeah, yeah, that funny feeling.

God, that's a it's a very beautiful song. Yeah, like it starts off very silly, like songs that you've heard before, like White Girls Instagram type of humor, like making fun of internet culture. And then it gets like through the pandemic, darker and darker and darker. And that's kind of like the crescendo is like him talking about the entire world going away in a few years and that funny feeling that he gets and why he gets that feeling. God, yeah, but it's I highly recommend it, not only to Jake, but to everybody.

Check it out. It's funny that he did our podcast like four years ago just to promote a different comedy special and since then he directed a movie and then did this insane fucking powerful, crazy Netflix special. Yeah, Christ. Should we have him back on the show? He hasn't returned. Let's put out some feelers for Burnham.

I'll DM him, although he kind of talks about Twitter being a death sentence. But I'll see if he responds. Just add him. Yeah, yeah, I'll send him an insta DM. He does talk about social media sort of leading to the devolution and end of our universe. But I wonder if he still checks that out. Those two agree with him.

Yeah, I would agree. Yeah, he's just better at articulating it, I guess, in a very catchy way. We should have we should have gone into music. Like we spent so much time worrying about sketches and comedy and acting and being silly that we never really got to exercise our music muscles because we don't like know how to play an instrument or write a song or like do that kind of shit. Yeah, you say like we should have got into music like that was an option.

We didn't have like I'm saying we didn't have a path. Yeah, if we like took piano lessons as a kid or you took guitar lessons. You know how to play you know how to play French horn. Yeah, but that's not necessarily going to help us when we're writing sketches about, I don't know, a single almond, I don't think. Right. And I can play a tuba fine. But yeah, still, it's not going to like help us write catchy. And I do. Right.

I have I play the cello and the violin, but it's not like that doesn't are instruments that we, you know, I'm like a classically trained cellist. I I majored in classical film and music, and I minored in art. Yeah. I have an art minor. What I'm saying, we are talking about it. Yes, we can't sing and even if I did minor in something, that doesn't necessarily mean that I majored in it. I have a major problem and that's just that I have a minor degree

and a minor concussion in a minor symbols. I have an E major scale and a minor and I have a fucking concussion and I'm having a stroke in D flat major minor. So I can't write a song about how I feel when I think the world is coming to an end. I'm sorry. I'm not as talented as you, Jake. Yeah. Christ, man. Oh, here's another question that we found. Let's hear it.

Sorry, I had to just snap out of it. This guy is in a remix. He's a 19 year old boy from the US of A. And he's caught into some sort of roommate love debacle. Love it. We'll call this 19 year old Christian Pulisic. Pulisic. Yeah. What's that guy's name? Pulisic.

Christian P writes, I'm a 19 year old boy here from the US of A. Here's the deal, fellas. About a year ago, I started college and moved into an apartment with my two best friends from high school, a guy and a girl who will call Paul and Ariel. So we found out real names. Yeah, we found out relatively early that Paul had feelings for Ariel. And she did not reciprocate, which made a general awkward living situation. Towards the end of the first semester, Paul confesses his feelings and Ariel declines.

After that, Paul tended to stay in his room mostly, of course. Nice. Then over the course of the second semester, me and Ariel become super close and did almost everything together. One night we got drunk and ended up making out and confessing our feelings to each other, but agreed that nothing should happen since, you know, we're roommates and we live with Paul. And after that, things have stayed more or less normal between us, aside from the occasional joke about it. But now I feel like I might have some serious feelings for her and I don't know what to do.

A few weeks ago, all three of us got drunk together and we ended up telling Paul that we made out and he was surprisingly chill about it. However, Paul later told me that while I was in the bathroom, she told him that she really liked me and that I needed to make a move. I've never been good at making moves and I'll be honest here. So what do I do, boys? How do I work up the courage to seize the cheese? Should this cheese be seized at all?

Any help would be appreciated. And congratulations to Jake on a golden Mike streak. You're crushing it, man. Love. Thank you, Christian. So here's the thing. He doesn't have a problem. He doesn't have a problem because it's it's not really a love triangle as much as it is a love line. And then there's also a different point

that's hanging out on a completely separate plane of existence. If Paul had like he was surprisingly chill about you guys kissing, that I could look like he might be stewing. He might be being like whatever, but he's harboring bad feelings. Yeah, for him to come to you after and be like, Ariel told me that she likes you and you need to make a move. Paul didn't have to tell you that. He didn't need to tell you to make the move if he didn't want that.

Right. Yeah. So it seems like he's not only acting like he's over it, he might actually be over it. Yeah. Paul's being your wingman. No. Right. So do you have to get drunk again? Can you make a move sober? It sounds like being a little drunk is where this guy gets the most courage,

which is fine in the initial stages. Yeah. So like it seems like every single one of these steps forward in your and Ariel's relationship has come on the heels of getting drunk. I mean, we were talking about singing and stuff. Is it crazy to like create this flash mob song style situation where Paul and Christian sort of confess a dual love in a pick me a will they won't they situation almost like a promposal meets in the heights style medley.

So if you'll excuse me, I think I'm ready to one second. I want to answer. You're asking me a question. You're saying, is it crazy? And then you you fucking talks for one unbroken run on sentence where I think you were going to get into the details. Let me get the flash mob. Yep. The song. Yeah.

Excuse me. I want to sing it. But when when you're ready, I'm I guess I'm ready. But you just just so we're clear, you don't want me to. Hey, there are real. What's it like when you're on Instagram? I don't think you responded to my DMs while I have a crush on you. And Paul has one fucking two. Can you believe this fool?

Oh, it's what you choose me. Oh, why don't you choose me? A thousand miles feels pretty for this part. Just like the song feels pretty far like trains and planes and cars. I'll walk from you directly. Choose this fool. Now you're singing to Lylin. You're just singing it verbatim.

Yeah, you were giddy and eager to sing that song. I was giddy and Yego to sing it. And so I did it on her podcast. Is that crazy? You texted him one seven years ago and invite him on the show. Yeah, it's a good idea. For some reason, I felt like he had been on the show, but he hasn't been. Yeah, you're thinking of Bo Burnham again.

Right. Fair enough. Oh, it's what you choose to me. Oh, it's what you start making out. Oh, it's just because I'm singing poorly. Yeah, it seems like you're good to go. You're having a fine, fine predicament, which is you like somebody. They like you. There's third roommate is kind of uninvolved.

And if you're worried about making a move, you can rest assured that the moves have already been made. You made out, confessed your feelings, then got drunk again, came clean to the roommate and then found out that she likes you and wants you to keep on hooking up with her. Everything has already happened. You don't need to make a move. Yeah, everything is good for now.

It's set up and in a way that's very, very low risk. It would be funny if Paul was fucking setting you up. You go in for the kiss. Like I thought you said these. Paul said that you liked me. I didn't see that. He was setting you up to fail. Paul, that's Paul's long con.

That's right. Strikes. Yeah. It feels like Paul's this shifty little Jew who's like sort of like scheming almost you go style to separate you and his. Roger. Yes, a little you go. Why'd you do this to me? Oh, why did you do this to me? Oh, Paul, the worst part of any song.

A thousand miles is pretty far still seeing that. Well, I didn't work on the bridge yet. I didn't work on it yet, unfortunately. All right, let us know what happens. Enjoy. We want to live vicariously through this. Fuck it. I'll even if Paul moves out, I'll move in. I've been looking for a place to leave because things are not going well at home anyway.

So hey, I'll fucking live with you guys. You think you're having fun now until Uncle Amir is here. I'm so sorry. Yeah, I meant to tell you before the show. I'm leaving home. I'm like a visa or a mastercard. I'm leaving home without it.

So, yeah, appreciate it. Thank you for saying so. Or you haven't said anything yet. I assume you're going to say something reassuring or something. I saw you typing. Do you want to end the episode here? Well, you could do your thing, say that I'm going to be fine or whatever. And then we can end the episode.

Who's the first who's the first theme song? Oh, it's the Arabian. Arabian. Ruben. Ruben Delight. Ruben Delight. Sky Rockets in Flight. I will be all right. Even you saying that would mean the world to me. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. It's going to be tough to record the podcast

when you're out on your ass, but I feel like it'll be better for it if I. Host the show so low, do low style. And you'll be living with Arielle and Paul and Christian. Yeah, I just I wonder if I'll have a crush on one of them and make it like a legit fucking love triangle or not. It really doesn't. Square. Yeah, exactly. Square.

Oh, it's what you do to me. Paul. All right. Why don't you sign us off while I find this closing theme song? I know I just had it somewhere. It's in this email address. Talk, where can people see more? Where can people email us? Well, you know what?

You can send your questions and your three and your theme songs over to if I were you show at gmail.com. You could watch us on Patreon at patreon.com slash J.A. Where we are we where we are rewatching our old web series, which we now own. So if you want to just watch those videos for free and support us that way, then head on over to jaconamere.com, follow our social medias on Twitter and Instagram, Jake's right here.

That's right. That was all correct. I still haven't found it. So I'm going to play this other song by Daniel House. Perfect. I've been wanting to do this for a while and it felt like a good song. It's a parody of Sunday Best by Surfaces. Toda, he says, your show is a bright spot on the dullness of Mondays. Wow. And he deserves a golden mic for that.

I don't think he deserves one before I get one. But thank you for writing it in. If you don't mind shouting out my wife, Alison, and I's podcast House Decided. That would be super kind. We've had the incredible Adel Refai on the show and we'll soon have another member of Hey Riddle. So there you go. Thanks, Daniel House. This is that no golden mic for you, but we appreciate the song.

Nonetheless, she's final. I mean, you shouldn't get one is all because I still haven't gotten one. Well, it's not really eligible as not a host, but I think we can we can issue a kind of like commemorative golden mic thing, you know, just like, fuck it, I'll take it. Well, well, you obviously you obviously get the dirty for the for the fucking weird outburst that you've had throughout the entire.

You yelled at me multiple times. You sang a shitty hey there to Lila cover. I'm cranky. You I'm honestly angry. I think you said you were getting kicked out of your house. Things are going badly at home and you're going to move in with three nineteen year olds and try to start a love triangle, even though that's four people and it's obviously a square. And I just feel like you can't get even the pity golden mic

this episode because you the the entire you were a fat ass turd this whole this whole day. I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. Please don't give me a turd. It's way too late. We'll see you next week, I said. Let me just got another one for defending your ass with another bad song. If I were you,

Jake and Shmoop, the only show that's hosted by these two cool dudes, they'll do their best. Get it off your chest. Give Jake that golden mic because he is the best. Been hitting on your roommate or saw your dad in a towel right into these dudes and they will help you get around it. Even if you fucked up really bad, don't be confounded.

Jacob has so many golden mikes that it's astounding. Jake and Amir will solve your crimes. Meers one look dirty every time that's OK. It's OK. It's OK. If I were you, Jake and Shmoop, the only show that's hosted by these two cool dudes,

they'll do their best. Get it off your chest. Give Jake that golden mic because he is the best. Didn't do your chores and now your parents say you're grounded. Try to hook up with your buddies. Ampage is not about it. Got to crush on someone and you want to scream and shout it. It's all a sitter, not to find you all some common ground kid.

Here's a piece of free advice. Give my man Jake the golden mic. That's OK. Oh, that's OK. It's OK. If I were you, Jake and Shmoop, the only show that's hosted by these two cool dudes,

they'll do their best. Get it off your chest. Give Jake that golden mic because he is the best. If I were you, Jake and Shmoop, the only show that's hosted by these two cool dudes, they'll do their best. Get it off your chest.

Give Jake that golden mic because he is the best. Or maybe give it to Amir. I don't know. That was a hit gum original.