If I Were You - 493: Cuddle vs. Huddle

Episode Date: June 21, 2021

In this episode we discuss stealing cats, drinking caffeine, and standing in the way of fantasies.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. It's one fucking two, you will leave this full. Oh, it's what you choose me. Oh, why don't you choose me? Oh, it's what you choose me. Oh, why don't you choose me? A thousand miles feels pretty far and they've got planes and trains and cars. I'll walk with you if you choose this full.

I swear it's true. Oh, it's what you choose to me. Oh, it's what you choose to me. Oh, why'd you do this to me? Oh, Paul, why'd you do this to me? Oh, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul. There we go. There we, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh my, yeah, baby. That was good. They really take your dribble and they turn it into something. It's so, well, I imagine it more of a collaborative effort, but yeah. Not really a collaborative effort. I mean, it sounded funny when they did it. It's what you call to me by me.

Not really by you. And I guess Isaac and his girlfriend Ella sort of took that and ran. They stole it is what they did. They elevated it. They saved it. They fixed it. You said, oh, it's what you choose me. It makes no sense.

Oh, it's what you choose me, but they sung it. So it made it funny. I think I'm going to fucking Venmo request them for royalty rights. Royalty rights. They sort of stole my idea and monetized it. They don't monetize it. They sent it to us for free for a fucking shout out. Yeah.

If you didn't listen to last episode, I came up with that beautiful song on the spot. No, you didn't come up with it on the spot. It's a cover of, hey, they're Delilah. The plain white tease came up with that song. Okay. Yeah, it is. They're the ones that could be suing. They're the ones that could be Venmo requested.

I could definitely hear that. Yeah. Yeah. And then this is Isaac Geer and his girlfriend Ella, massive fans, nothing to plug. But shout out to the pinch, AKA the Pimp. Congratulations for winning another Golden Mike this week, adding to his ridiculous legacy. Thank you. Congrats.

It's really cool to be awarded the Golden Mike by the artists who came up with the theme song. Pretty neat. I'm the artist. That doesn't happen very often. Not really. Not really at all. The plain white tease are the artists. I feel like it's happening more often than not.

I don't think it's happening more often that the artists are awarding me the Golden Mike. I feel like that's probably the one. I think it might be the first time in history that it's happened. Yeah. Maybe. Yeah. Not a big deal to you. Anyway.

Not a big deal to you. I guess you don't give a shit when the Golden Mike is awarded. Not a congrats, but not an applause. No request for me to make a speech. I'm obviously not a speech. I'm obviously humbled. For a make-a-word, you give yourself for seven years straight. I didn't give the award myself, did I?

Or do you feel like I just got awarded the song by the artist? The award from the artist gave me the award. Don't hold a pen, by the way. What? You're not doing anything creative, artistic, and interesting. I'm making a point. You're not a business. Yeah.

That's where I keep the pen in case I have a thought or an idea or a poem or an essay. You don't do anything that Lawrence is having. Yeah. You don't pen anything. Sometimes I need to pen a note or a letter or a poem or a haiku. No. No. You never do that.

A limerick or a rhyme and sometimes I'll sketch. You send garbage memes on Slack. I'll sit near a bridge in a park and I'll sketch something. An old fellow with his granddaughter chasing a balloon or something. Yes, I do. I find little moments of beauty, the desperate, fleeting essence of life, those moments. Your knuckles are red. Yeah, well, it looks like you've been punching a wall or something.

I couldn't think of any poems. I had half of a limerick and I got mad at myself. There once was a man from Brooklyn and then what's the fucking rest? So I punched a wall. Mazletal. All right, thank you to Isaac and his girlfriend Ella for taking that sweet, sweet theme to the next level. This is if I were you.

The only advice. Pod on the wad. I am Jod. Wad and Jod. A slight upgrade from Rodney and Godney last episode. Rodney and Godney. Then we've transformed. We've evolved into wad and Jod.

It feels like we're getting worse. Every week we're growing slowly more insane. At least Godney was a joke. What is wad and Jod? I don't remember. Probably wad our 100th episode in a row that we haven't been in the same room. I don't even remember what it's like recording not over zoom. Yeah, it's funny.

Remember when I first moved to New York and we would sometimes record remote and we'd try to bank as many as we could when I was in LA. But like sometimes we would record remote and we were nervous. People were going to notice and like sometimes people did and sometimes people didn't. It's funny how much did we use zoom? I don't think we use zoom. I think we used Skype maybe or Google meetups. Yeah, our FaceTime.

But yeah, now it's like now it's just so normal. Everyone's podcasting on zoom into a zoom. Yeah. Now it's going to be weird when we're actually in the same room together again. The other day I almost was like it's a good idea for a podcast to just have a podcast called in person and it's a podcast that happens in real life now. That's an angle. Yeah.

Because some shows are back in the studios but it seems like very few of them really are. Yeah. Do you listen to other pods or I don't know that about. I mean not really. I listen to like three podcasts. Yeah. I kind of only listen to our podcasts.

You listen to our podcasts? Yeah, I listen every week and I write in a lot of questions. You write in, you choose the questions, you should be able to get on it more. I know a lot of these are kind of long-winded and we've answered them before. Asked and answered. Wod. Stand down Wod. Quiet Jod.

All right. These are a fresh new batch, hot emails, hot off the press from our fans sent over to ifirishow at gmail.com. Here's one from a first year university student. Very nice. Why don't we name him, what was your freshman year roommate's name? Ken. Ken?

Yeah. Cool. Ken was the one. May he rest in party. What happened? I was fine I think but he died at a club. At a club actually. Don't disrespect him like that.

On a Wednesday. Wacky Wednesday. Yeah he got in. All right. Imagine Ken and Jake living together. God the damage you guys did to that room. I'm just thinking about the amount of jizz all over that place. Must have been looking like a fucking black light party every night.

It's crazy how we had many a black light in the room which was risky behavior for the amount that I jacked off in there. It looked like a fucking Jackson Pollock on the ceiling. Are those glow-in-the-dark star stickers that you have up there? Or is that just like a fucking volcanic amount of seed that you and Ken were just fucking sword fight? You've talked enough about my sploosh and I'd like you to move on. All right.

You waxed about my Vaz reference. All right here we go. Ken writes, I'm a first year university student. Recently there was a fire alarm at 3.30 in the morning waking everyone up and sending them outside. While outside a very drunk girl decided to latch on to me and cuddled with me as I was freezing outside instead of standing there awkwardly. I decided to hug her back until we got into the building.

The issue is I've had a girlfriend for a year. When I left the drunk girl she tried to kiss me but I got the hell out of there and she passed out on a bed. I haven't told my girlfriend yet because she'll get mad. Should I have told her? Am I in the wrong here? Thanks guys. Ta-da.

I feel like in the grand scheme of things that the type of questions we get, this one's really not bad. I don't think he did anything that wrong. Don't say cuddled, say huddled. You huddled for warmth. You didn't cuddle for mirth, do you know? What's the difference between a huddling and a cuddling? A cuddling you do to survive.

If we were trapped in a bibouac up on Everest or something, we wouldn't not embrace because we need to share body warmth. That wouldn't be cheating on our wives. Huddling is cute huddling is hot because it's about warmth. It's about heat. Huddling is hot cuddling and cuddling is cute huddling. Put it that way, it sounds a lot worse. I think as long as you, better not the cuddle, what happened was that it escalated to a kiss

which you denied and left. So I think you don't have to say anything. Interesting. Okay, but the trying to kiss situation, does that change anything for you? She went to kiss him and he backed away. Well, I don't think it's necessarily like, first of all, how long could they really have been hugging for? It's like a school fire drill.

It's not like they were out there for an hour or something. Well, it wasn't a fire drill. It was a fire alarm. Fire alarm. The entire building was sort of engulfed for that entire night. And it ended up succumbing to the flames. It was a sexy bonfire. Four students were lost, I guess, because the sheer amount of semen was so flammable.

The entire thing went up like a gas fire. And this was at Moravian, right? My old dorm. Yeah, and this email was written in 2008. I don't know, when were you in college? It's just about then. Yeah. Okay, so huddling, not as bad as cuddling, not as necessary to tell the lady about it.

You didn't do anything wrong. I wouldn't do it again. I wouldn't do it again. You did something wrong enough that it's a no-no. I'll scold you. Don't do that again. But I don't think you need to come clean. Yeah.

I bet you like to come clean, didn't you? Freshman year. You and Ken. Me and Ken. You used to fucking... No, we didn't. You used to take turns coming clean. That's when you hit the trash can exactly, right?

So there was no cleanup. No threat. Fucking perverse. It's disgusting. You made that up on the fly means you played that. In my freshman year, roommate used to come clean all the time. All right, let's fast forward into the relationship life cycle a little more. This question is from a lady about breaking up with a dude.

So, you know, this other guy's worst nightmare. Right. We'll call him... Well, sorry, we'll call her cat because this is about a cat. Love it. My boyfriend and I are breaking up rates. Cat. It's a friendly breakup, though.

We just want different things. We've lived together for three years. And in that time, he and my cat Snowball, a white fluffy adorable thing, have really bonded. She likes him more than me. She rubs her face in any of his clothes as he leaves the bed. And if she's on my lap and he sits next to me, she'll move over to him. I have another cat. I've had these cats since I was a teenager.

The ex asked if he can have Snowball. I said I'd think about it. What do you think? Should I give him my cat who likes him better than he likes me? I love my cat. I love my cat $5,000. That's the amount I paid in vet bills after she got attacked by a dog. But there's no denying that she likes him better than me.

Also, in the context of the situation, this would basically be, you can't have my uterus for your babies, but you can have my cat. Love cat. Okay, cat. What do you think? What's your gut? Well, I have a very similar situation. Avital had a dog, Luke, and then we moved in together.

And now Luke likes me more than he likes her. So he sleeps at my place. Is that where the similarities end? Or are you guys on the outs, on the rocks? Is the relationship? No, it's just about the pack. Yeah, stop trying to like cry until you brought it up. You brought it up.

You brought up your private shit. You said, I'm in a similar situation. This question's about a breakup. You said, I'm in a similar situation. We're not breaking up. It was a cry for help. We're not breaking up. Great.

Yeah. Great. Great. Cool. Cool. You're not breaking up? Yeah. You're not breaking up because you don't have any problems or you're not breaking up

because you're going to work through your problems and are your problems. This isn't like a Howard Stern style like interview that you're trying to get me to like And why are you sitting on a Cybean machine? It's unrelated. It's good for my back. I have a sciatica. Cybean eatica. A sciatica for my sciatica.

But yeah, if we were to split up, would the dog go with me? Would the dog go with Abital? I mean, that's her decision. She paid for the dog. I mean, she owns Luke after all. The animal doesn't choose. The animal doesn't choose. The question, too, though, is would you ask?

Because it's not like she's just trying to do what is best for the cat. The boyfriends also put in the request. So it's not just like, you know, if Abital left and she knew in her heart that Luke would rather be with you, but she took Luke anyway. It's like she's leaving you. Luke likes you more and you say, I'd really like to keep Luke. I think it depends on who breaks up with who. Like if she breaks up with me, then like she can leave Luke as like a parting gift.

And like if this lady breaks up with a dude, then it's like, at least you can have this cat. That's a nice little sweet gesture. But if it's like, I'm going to break up with you and give me your dog to boot. Yeah, it almost seems like it was a long con to get a pet. I also think that it's very unlikely that he would ask if it wasn't her leaving him. Like usually when you're breaking up with someone, you just one out and you don't really, you're not going to, you'd prefer not to think of them.

They say that like when you, when you're breaking up with someone, like the person doing the breaking up doesn't mourn the relationship as much because they mourned the relationship during the relationship. Like as they were realizing that they needed to end it, that's when they started their process. But then you get broken up with and you have to start that process. So I doubt that you would be like, um, you know, wanting to move on and then also ask for a cat. You're probably like in shock.

You're like, I'm going to lose my girlfriend. Can I at least have the cat? You know? Yeah. I think, I think the best of both worlds is like, I don't know. I'm already $5,000 invested in the health of this cat. Oh, you ask for cash. You want to fucking pay for that.

You can earn the cat through cats. And here's the cat. What's the cat? Yeah. You have to convince the cat to eat the money, shit it out into my wallet and then he's yours. It has to be a gem. Yeah. Uh, yeah.

So you can, um, I think it depends on who breaks up with who and then it also depends on if you can get some cash for the cat. If he really wants this cat, then he has to retroactively pay for the vet bills to me. It's an investment. In fact, with interest, you're not buying high and selling low. Right. You need at least 5,500 back. That's definitely good if you want a clean break from this guy because I feel like after

you say something like that, the breakup doesn't get friendly. It's not a friendly breakup anymore. Yeah. You're starting to discuss money. Honey. It's not, that's not clean. And I know a little something about being clean. Do you know what I mean?

How's that? Because I used to come clean. All right. Oh, come on. I didn't need to fucking hear that admission of guilt. I already knew you were like that. You depraved little 18 year old. Go to break.

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I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Not just father's day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why.

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You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah. Frame. This is actually how we, how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant.

We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. Like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant.

Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool.

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And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a letter to the... Mom, I'm coming. Gross. I'll tell you about something I'm doing personally, myself, and that is pairing back. I don't know. What's...

Yeah, pairing back, taking... What's the fucking... I'm drinking less coffee. That's what I'm doing. You're sort of weaning yourself off of caffeine. Well, I'm not... Like, I still love coffee and I like the ritual and I like the way it tastes and I like the way it makes me feel.

The problem is... I'm having up to three a day at this. That is... Yeah. I was drinking coffee probably past the point where I was getting the enjoyment from the coffee. My first cup, I still feel happy, good, energized. Second cup, midway through, I start to feel a little jittery and then I want to power through,

get it done, finish the coffee. And then sometimes, sometimes you hit them with the afternooner, that post-lunch coffee. Yeah. So, when you were doing three a day, it was not... Why did I think you were already off the afternoon onto a tea or something like that? It seems like that was just a phase during the winter or something? Yeah. No, I think this past year, I took the afternoon coffee kind of out of the equation.

Or at the very least, I would not have another coffee after lunch. But then I would sometimes be having like a third coffee right before lunch, a 1pm coffee. Or like... Wow. Really what it was was like an initial coffee to kick off the day and then a larger coffee. That was almost like two coffees. You start the day with a 20 and then you have another. It's like...

Yeah. Yeah, that's not... Or the venti, not the 20. Come on. Anyway, too much coffee, so I'm back to just one cup in the morning, in the AM. And then do you... How long has that been going on? Are you feeling the crash yet?

No, if anything, I feel better. It's been maybe like three weeks. Oh, so you've given this a real try? Yeah. Yeah. A real try. Getting up earlier, having my coffee a little bit later rather than like right away. And then no coffee after the initial cofefe.

Okay, here's the question. Let's say when are you most awake? Like you're most energetic 100% or as close to it energy-wise in the day. 11 to 130. Got it. Like pre-lunch, but post-morning, whatever. Yeah. Post maybe a shower and your first caffeine, and now you're riding high.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, usually it's wake up, exercise, afterwards, shower, coffee, computer. And that's where I'm the most productive. It's post-shower. I've done the hardest thing I'm going to do all day, which is work out. Then I'm just easing into the rest of the day, which is like computer-related tasks. And then when are you the most tired usually? Take away like right before bed.

And could I also take away right in the morning when I first wake up? Oh yeah, that's a good count either. Great. Then I'll say when I'm dead asleep at 2.42 a.m. I really have a REM cycle. I don't have that afternoon crash like I used to get, like the 4 p.m. post-lunch crash. Yeah, I think that's when I'm the most tired. It's like 3.45 and there's still like two and a half hours left of broad daylight.

But I'm not at a dinner time yet, so I'm just like, that's when I'm most dragging. But I also don't have coffee in the afternoon either. I'm basically at that one in the morning level. That time though when like your post-lunch thing, like my post-lunch time is like when Los Angeles is waking up and people are slacking, they're emailing. So I feel more engaged. I remember when I was in LA with you guys feeling that same thing. And I feel like that's partially because like the East Coast has gone to bed.

It feels like things are already sort of starting to slow down. Right. So it's like 7 p.m. on the East Coast, 4 p.m. in LA. Don't know what to be working on. But I still got two to three hours before dinner. That's when I'm the most tired. That makes sense. And how many coffees do you drink?

It has to do with the sunlight. One in the morning. And that's it. Like when I'm driving into the sun or like walking into the sun and it's like setting and like yellow, that's when I feel like the most tired and drained. Yeah. The sun will tucker you out. It really will.

Yeah. Even though I'm not really doing anything, it's just existing. Really the sun's supposed to give me energy. Interesting. So are you doing anything for caffeine in the afternoon? Yeah. I have a five hour energy vodka red bull. Yeah, never mind.

And then I do a matcha. What you're doing is so much more intense. A matcha. So much more insane. I said matcha. You said a five hour energy and I think you said a vodka red bull. Yeah. And a vodka soda.

And a monster. Four loco. Two four loco. So you recommend it. You recommend not having to be a slave to the coffee gods. So far because I think that like to have it. Yeah. I was getting to the point where I was like just feeling jittery before like before lunch

like where I was eating. It felt like out of necessity because I was like, I was rattled and shaken from the from the caffeine. Wow. Now I don't feel like that. Do you eat a big lunch or do you wait for to have a heavy meal later in the day? I don't. I usually eat a pretty light lunch.

Lunch is almost always light. Yeah. Breakfast is light too. Dinner is heavy. Dinner. Real heavy. I have an extra large cheese pizza, a hoagie, a taco, two lasagnas and a calzone. Fucking pancakes.

Yeah. I don't have to try switching it up. I don't know. What should I do differently? Fuck it. I'll have a chicken parm every morning and see what happens to me. Yeah. Breakfast is a myth.

You can have food at any different time. Like it doesn't have to be eggs, sandwich, chicken parm. It could be chicken parm at the top to start the day. Well, breakfast is the highest variance because like my body doesn't know if it's Thursday or Sunday, so like Sundays it's just getting a banana and then some days it's getting like a breakfast burrito and like the difference between those two things are so vast. How can my body possibly keep up? Yeah, it's true.

Are you, so banana is like Monday through Friday, breakfast burrito is a weekend treat. Yeah. But yeah, I should normalize it. I should really just put the banana inside the burrito and just fucking have two of them throughout the day and then maybe like a slim, fast milkshake style thing in the middle of the night when I wake up for my, uh, the terrorist thing that I've been sort of not dealing with. It's been kicking my ass.

Dealing with means I'm making progress. Um, yeah, I'm like fucking battling with myself. I'm a hazard to myself. It's like that song. I'm a hazard to myself. So I'll wake up. I am my worst enemy. Yeah.

Cold and sweating and afraid and like wondering what the fuck is going on and like not being able to grapple with that because my mind is racing a fucking thousand miles a minute. And you said you and I would be taller or good? Everything's fine there. I'm just trying to like figure some shit out career wise and personal wise to like personal wise. Yeah. And so like I'm, I'm doing the Adderall thing, but like it's making me tired.

And I'm like sort of experimenting with different psychedelic micro dosage. Try what I'm doing with the four loco in the AVO in the AVO, you know, you do. And do they make those anymore? They don't. You have to get them. On eBay. Yeah. They're, they're, they say expired on the label, but they were never like good to begin

with. So expired doesn't really mean jack shit to me. They come in a case of warm, dusty cans. And you just sort of hose them down, put them in a freezer for a month and then you can have them. They don't get cold. It's so bizarre. Right.

If anything, yeah, they come out as gas, which is fine because you can huff that they come out as steam. So all right. Good tips. All right. Next question. Right. Let's see here.

Another classic relationship query. Let's do it. Let's do it. This one, it starts out by saying this one's for Jake. So we'll call this guy Dale Earnhardt Jr. Why? I know he was such a fan of yours was I'm in college and I've been dating this guy for nine months now.

And I really like him. The problem is on Wednesday and Mondays after a certain class, I shower and change in a locker room with this other guy. I'm a guy too. He's a fucking 11 cent piece and I don't mind the view while we're showering. Turns out he feels the same way. I told him I have a boyfriend, but he said he'd still be down to bang. And if he came on to me in the locker room, I don't know if I could say no.

I also don't see him. I also can't not see him because it's part of my class routine. What should I do? Thanks for your help. Love Dale Earnhardt Jr. Nice. Sounds hot. Sounds sexy.

I think you, it sounds like you want to bang the guy because at one point he says, I can't not see him, but you are showering in a locker room after class. And I feel like that's, I feel like that's voluntary behavior because you probably like he has to shower there. There's literally no other options to have this steamy, steamy crush. I mean, that's definitely, I can understand why you feel like you have to do that because it sounds hot and, and you don't want to do anything else, but it certainly sounds like you want to fuck him and it's bordering on you are going to fuck him to you already have.

So I think what you have to do is probably let the boyfriend know in advance of this. Yeah. And he has to let it happen because he's like, he has to get that this is so hot that he doesn't want to stand in the way. Like if something is truly hot, you can't just be like, this can't happen because of me, right? Because the universe is bringing it together and it's like, yeah, it's, it's from a porno. It's from, it's from a sexy ass scene in, in like, um, um, uh, like a movie or something,

you know? Yeah. And you don't want to be the dude that stands in the way of that. You can't be, you can't be. Because if the tables were flipped, you'd want, you'd want that hotness for you. Yeah. And this is you asking your boyfriend, like, you get that. Like if you found a hot guy in a shower, I'd want you to have that.

And so I think it's only fair. In fact, hypothetically, you've already cheated on me. So this is probably fine just to get even with you. Hypothetically, because you feel like it's, because the fantasy happened to him. Yeah. Exactly. It's already happened to him. So now you have to level the playing field in reality.

And in fact, you probably owe him two real life hookups because the fantasy is probably so hot. It counts as two. Yeah. Doesn't get hotter than being like, I talked to my boyfriend, he said it was okay. And then as the steam is rising up behind the guy, it's like, um, he just wants to join. And then there's like a three way kiss. Okay.

Yeah. Huh. I didn't know you were like. That's a porno. Um, have you taken a public shower recently? I feel like that's something I haven't experienced since I don't even know when I never took one in high school. I never took one in high school or college.

Like when I've taken public showers, they've been in like, um, like bathhouses somewhere. Like I feel like that happened in Iceland or something, but you're still in a bathing suit, right? No, I showered naked in there. Everyone else was in a bathing suit. It was very out in the open. It was like that place where you sort of like rinse off your feet. Yeah.

Before jumping into the pool. Yeah. You got butt naked just to sort of like shoe some sand off your ankles. Yeah. You shouldn't have done that. I've showered in locker rooms with that were, um, open showers since like college, but never, never when I was a student. Yeah.

And did you, did you used to wear, um, flip flops to the sandals to the, or flip flops to the showers in college? Yeah. Yeah. I had the shower flip flops. I had the shower caddy. Um, I had the, the time, no, actually I had a bathrobe. Yeah.

I had a bathrobe in college. That's really nice. That was cool. I earned respect. I earned respect. You get coed bathrooms in college. Yeah. Jesus.

So like I would like go to shower a scrawny 17 and a half year old and then there would be like a lady coming out of the bathroom. It was a little too progressive for my life. Wow. I think about it. That's a lot. That's crazy. Imagine taking a dump next to another hallmate who's taking a shower.

Yeah. That's the system that they had in place. I don't, just knowing what I did in the bathroom in college. I don't think you would have. Oh, I, I fucking can only guess the, you know, I'm not like, I spummed that one. They, they probably had to like pump the pipes every day between you and Ken and anyone else in that. Can you imagine the damage you guys did to the pipes?

We all masturbate in our rooms like normal freshmen. You came clean after all. All right, let's take another break, answer some more questions after these messages. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge.

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This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check him out. Thanks, Better Help. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show, wow. For years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code

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Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace. And we have returned Jake has downed a quick espresso just to get the juices flowing pre act. They had to do that. But it was just it was tempered with Jack Daniels.

So it's not it wasn't your caffeine. Did you anybody keeping score? Have you been able to find the replacement for that dark cocoa almond foam latte thing that you got into at Starbucks? Unfortunately, yes, briefly. The good news is that I think I went long enough without having it that I don't crave it anymore the way I used to. I don't ask I don't want it at all anymore.

But we did find a way to Jerry rake it because they added the mocha sauce back onto the menu. So you could just basically built it. It was like a cold brew with with four pumps of the mocha syrup and it turned out you really didn't need the foam, which was part of the drink. It was like the almond foam. It just gave it like a really chocolatey. It made it beautiful, but it was all about the sauce and you didn't need the foam. It was just almond milk chocolate sauce cold brew.

And that's all you needed. And now what are you doing? And now I just do cold brew. Even on the weekends. Yeah, even on the weekends when I used to treat myself to a sugary coffee, I lost the taste for it. I don't crave it anymore. Wow.

Yeah, I've had, I accidentally had regular cold brew last week and it was disgusting. It was like salty, you know, I couldn't, I couldn't even have a sip of it. And it was vanilla flavored, not sweet enough for me. What do you, so what do you usually put in your coffee? Oat milk. And that's it. But so it's oat milk. It's like less coffee-y and more creamy-y and it's probably a little sweeter enough.

Oh, but you don't add any extra sugar. No, if anything, like at most I'll like do a shot of the strawberry quick, like this syrup and then two, two little, not protein, but like Hershey's cookies and cream powder. So not protein yet, not protein at all. Yeah. Not whey, but like it's like, it's like this. It's Hershey powder, you said, it's, it's, that's, yeah, it's like your sugar powder. It like makes everything taste like Oreos and then I'm also eating Oreos with every bite.

So it gets sweet, sweet. My teeth hurt, so it's hard to do, yeah. We've gotten smaller, they're so tiny, they look like thinning and browning. You look like Gollum. I am starting to sort of, not shrink, but shrivel. Yeah, like I am. You're sneagaling yourself. Yeah.

Getting rounder, compact, wet and bony, if that makes sense. Yeah, your eyes are growing. Okay, here's a question about becoming Instagram unofficial from a lady who will call, who's like a woman that uses Instagram? One of the like Kylie Jenner or something. That's good, yeah, nobody else does, but Kylie. Yeah. I'm a 23-year-old female from Portland.

Nice. Here's my dilemma. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and he has yet to post a picture of me on Instagram. Logically, I know this doesn't matter, but yet I can't seem to let it go. I haven't brought it up to him for fear of sounding insane. Also, while there's no pictures of me, there is a picture of a happy birthday shout out to his ex-girlfriend that he posted five years ago.

I can't put my finger on why this bugs me, but it does. Do I have a right to be bothered by this? Is there a threshold of time after which it's not weird to be Instagram official? Should I bring this up to my boyfriend? I would love to know your opinions on this. You guys are the best. It feels like if she is noticing something from five years ago, his feed must be very inactive unless she's scrolled a long time.

I feel like the way you would feel about this has to be directly proportional to how active he is on Instagram. Yeah. Do you delete old photos on Instagram? No. Because at this point, we've had Instagram for like 10 years, it seems like. I have definitely. There's photos of you with exes and stuff on there, right?

For sure. There's exes on my Instagram. Yeah. I call it, I call it Instagram because it's basically the entire thing is a love letter to all of my other girlfriends. And I leave that shit up there in case they ever want to get back together, which I'm desperately waiting for. So candid and sad to hear you should have been more ashamed of that.

Like, it's awesome that you know that about yourself, but like weird that you're also not self-aware enough to know that you shouldn't say that shit out loud. Shocking candor is what I'm known for. No, it's not. Really? Yeah. Shocking. You think you're a shock jock?

I don't think so. I don't think I'm a shock jock, but I think my candor is shocking. I think it can be. Yeah. I guess it's just, it's a lot of effort to go back and start deleting photos on Instagram. Though, I guess, well, I mean, yeah, she would be asking about one specific, oh yeah, like if there was a button that says only keep my last 50 photos up and delete everything else, I would press it instantly.

Really? Yeah. I don't need old like nine year old grainy photos of me and other lovers slash friends who have since most of my friends are dead anyway. Yeah. So that's a good reason to leave it up. I mean, lovers is one thing. I like that Instagram is like, it's almost like a little diary that I have because I

never posted on it that much. So there's only a couple hundred photos probably. And it's like, it's nice to have that track record because I feel like everything else that I like, we both used to have blogs. Those are long gone. Twitter is littered with retweets and promotion. Instagram is a little bit, but you know, it's pretty pure and I like that about it. So if somebody asked you to delete old, like if Jill's like, can you delete old photos

of your girlfriends? Would you be like, yeah, sure. I don't care. Or would you be like, why do you care? Or would you just laugh and say, don't worry about it? Or don't worry about it, babe. If she, Jill just wouldn't do that. But if she did, I feel like at this point, it'd be kind of hard.

Like if when we had just started dating, she said, she asked me to, I think I definitely would. But I feel like after being married for a couple of years, it's almost, it's almost weird. I would be like, that doesn't matter. But it's nice to know. Like there was a time in my life when I had, I don't know. Yeah. I can't tell.

I guess I would delete it. You whipped. You're absolutely whipped for that. And now you have to delete the photos and now you have to delete the photos. Let's do it now. It's a good time. And what about you? I mean, I guess I would do it because I'd rather just do it than talk about it.

And if something bothers somebody, then I'm like, fine, I don't care enough to like hash it out. What am I going to do? Go and try to convince her that it doesn't bother her? Yeah. It's weird to ask, but it's weirder to defend. That's kind of where it nets out. But I do think that it's not that bad to have them.

Yeah. It's just not a hill that I would die on. Not posting any photos. Is that weird? I think it depends. It depends how many photos he, like how often he posts. I'm sure that he's not doing it like intentionally. It sounds like he just doesn't post a lot, but what I would do probably is post photos

of him on my Instagram. So then it's kind of like, this is the thing that we partake in. And then eventually he'll feel like, oh, I haven't posted even though you've done it for me. So then he will. But I would probably not say anything because then it turns out it's something that should be fun, like sharing your love into like a point of contention. So I would personally resist the urge to bring it up.

Yeah. Or you can like post a photo of him, but like cover him with an emoji of like a duty head or like this guy won't fucking say that we're official, official on Instagram, tags a lover that's fucked you, like for that similar reasoning or something like that. So you're trying to. Shame him in a viral way. Yeah. Okay.

So she wants, she's worried if she should even bring it up to her boyfriend, but you are convincing her to go viral. To go public. Yeah. Like a flash mob style, jai ho song and dance number at a mall. And the end result is basically this unveiling of a photo of you that he needs to post. Like almost like a speed two situation or a bus will explode or something like that. What?

Like he has to post a photo today. Speed two was on a cruise ship. Speed one was a bus was going to explode. Get your fucking, get your shit together. Okay. Cause speed two. Yeah. Don't point at you with the pen.

Don't point at me with the pen. You're not auditing me. Okay. Yeah. You don't have that authority. We each want something from each other. You want me to drop the pen? What do I want from you?

You want me to drop the pen? You probably want me to stop talking to you in this. I want you to drop it in general. Yeah. Just fucking. I want you to get your fucking story straight. I want you to know. Okay.

So it's a speed one style. Speed. That one's just called speed. Cause they didn't know there was going to, they didn't know it was going to be a runaway success when they made speed. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. It is, uh, that's a turdy for you, but oh my God. You were definitely, definitely going to give me that regardless of how this episode is. I was, I really did not want to. I fought the urge many times. I wanted you to have a clean episode as it were. I fought the urge and the urge lost.

So yeah, you get a shit on a plaque for that. And you already get the mic, right? The golden mic. Cause I was awarded the, uh, golden mic in the beginning by the artists who sung the song. I believe it was Elliot and Priscilla. Does that ring true? No, it's not.

The fact that you don't even know their name has to count against you. Really? Yes. What are their names? Isaac and his girlfriend, Ella, Christ, Elliot and Priscilla. Nobody has named that. It's been a while. Isaac and Ella.

I'm sorry. And I appreciate it. I already thanked them in my speech. I said, thank you, Isaac and Ella or something along those lines or if I didn't say it, then I meant too. So sorry. Yeah. And thanks to you guys for listening.

Um, if you have your own questions, you can send them on down to, if I were you, show at gmail.com. Um, this closing theme song is written by Greg who said, here's another song and probably my worst one. So the bar is set low, but I think it's more enjoyable than Greg is letting on. Uh, we're also always making, uh, new videos on our Patreon, patreon.com slash j a, uh, this week, we'd not only added a Jake and a mirror watch, but also an animated series that we're making called stuck had a new episode as well.

Yes. The, uh, the amazing, the incomparable Jacob Strunk, uh, edited our, um, our sketch together, animated our sketch. Um, and it's awesome. We basically, we're writing these sketches for Jacob to animate. So it's all new, all new just for you. It's funny that his name is Jacob, which is yours. And his last name is Strunk, which sounds so close to the name of the show.

Jacob. Oh yeah. That's true. It's like when we, if we couldn't remember his name, that's what, like a four year old would guess is who's animating it. Jacob stuck. That's actually really close. Yeah.

Yeah. That's really good. We'll give it to you. We should find an animator named Amir so that I feel more involved in the process. Amir funk. Jacob can do. Yeah. Amir strunk.

Amir stunk. That's what, that's what, uh, my dad used to say to me, like when he was describing my effort to my mom, how is Amir today at the basketball game? Right. You say Amir stunk. Amir stunk. Wow. Got that start.

Right in front of my ass too. Yeah. Oh, my old man used to just fucking razz me. Talk about shocking candor. Welcome to, if I were you, I'm shocked. This is candor. Shock and candor. In the morning.

Uh, all right. Thanks to you guys for listening. Back soon enough. Uh, probably this time next week. Yeah. Enjoy. Ciao. Peace.

Amir left the zoo early, Jeff is the new CEO. You want me to forget you? Okay. If I were you, I would so date me, baby. Yeah. If I were you, you want me so badly to say I'm proud of you. Amir is not a chipmunk. He needs me to be moved.

I've wasted so much time waiting around for my answers all my life. My emails have done right for years and all you've done is give me laughs and sneers. Amir, be better off alone, leave all his turkeys on your throat, take your anxiety, but you won't leave a legacy. Amir has always loved you. Why won't you accept him as your equal? You want me to forget you? Okay.

If I were you, I would get a new friend, maybe Ben or Thomas, who have always been amazing. And if I were you, I would see you later. Goodbye from this quiet you. Hey you, tell me why you do the things that make me love you. It's an endless joy to listen and support both of you. I hope to meet you one day and I'll say thank you. You changed my life forever. You want me to forget you?

Okay. If I were you, I would send an email right now to if I were you. They may never read it, but that's okay too. I'll always be a day one. This is if I were you.