If I Were You - 494: Accent Coach

Episode Date: June 28, 2021

In this episode we discuss growing your hair, playing tennis, and opening marriages.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. They got quite a few podcasts too. But back to if I were you. Well, you can't forget your mom's house. Stop. Don't forget to look around. Don't even trust your family. Don't go wrong.

Don't go wrong. Bang bang the broken door. Don't say no. These are funny shows. You got dreams up for on a read. No, you're off script. See your vows out of play. Haha.

A ragged flag and half max. These are all funny. We were trolled. We were trolled in the intro. Yeah, that was an amazing song, but he was just sort of listing off other podcasts that are funnier than ours. Right.

Which hurt a little bit. Yeah, but he was also a good singer, so it was like nice to at least be acknowledged by him. At least he was talented about it. This song was actually submitted two years ago, so I'm hoping we didn't use it. Did it sound familiar to you? No, but if you played a song from last month,

it probably wouldn't have sounded familiar to me either, so we'll find out. So that was by Taylor Van Cleve, who says he's 19 years old and on the latest season of American Idol. Nice. Wait, like he's on it as if he's like, he's watching it.

He's up to that one. Yeah. Just enjoying it. I'm on episode six of American Idol, so don't spoil it for me. If you know what happens in episode seven. I can't sing for shit, so I'm not actually on the show,

but I'm pretty interested in who wins this year. So if he's on American Idol two years ago, we could find out like how he did, right? Yeah, it's Taylor Van Cleve, and his Instagram is Taylor Van Cleve Official. So yeah, let's see. There's gotta be like an American Idol wiki out there. I can't believe that show is still on.

It was the most popular thing like 20 years ago, and it's still chugging along. Did you used to watch it? Look, he's not on the Wikipedia for the show, but wait, that might be for season 19. Yeah, this might be a season 17 or 18 guy. Yeah, it's gonna be tough. It's gonna be tough for me to find Taylor Van Cleve,

and it's not because American Idol is not huge and he's not famous, it's just like, there was so many of them. Yeah, that I don't. Did you used to watch the show like when it first came out and it was the biggest deal possible? Do you remember like watching with your family and or your friends? Yeah, I remember watching with,

I watched with the family. I voted, no, I didn't vote, but I was invested. I campaigned for Clay Aiken. I knocked on doors for Ruben Stuttered and Justin Guarini. I cared who won the first, I think maybe up to three seasons. Like I gave a shit about number one, two.

And then there was, was somebody, was one of the guys named Taylor Hicks, did he win? Yeah, there was like a gray haired man named Taylor Hicks. It had to have been early on. Right. What year? That was when I stopped caring. When Taylor Hicks won, I peaked.

In high school. Yeah, Taylor Hicks won in 2006. And Hicks won in 2006. Oh, six. Guarini won in 2003. He was at 29 years old, a Silver Fox. Became the oldest contestant to win American Idol. And also there were 200 million people watching worldwide.

My God. Jesus Christ. Imagine that a television show that 200 million people, just to see a star, a star was. And where is he now? He's not fucking, he's not even the top result when I typed Taylor H.I. into Google. That accolade belongs to Taylor Hill, who's somebody else that I don't know.

It belongs to Taysum Hill, the quarterback for the New Orleans Saints. Yeah, these people are supposed to be, we're like the biggest music deals for a week. How did that not, you know, propel them into superstardom? I mean, at a certain point, the show just became about, like, you were famous during the show.

It's like, I watched your season of the show, you won and now we move on. It's like watching an episode of Jeopardy or something. All right. But Kelly Clarkson really, she won the lottery. She's still famous. She has like a talk show, doesn't she? Taylor Hicks has 54,000 Twitter followers.

54,000, that's nothing. Yeah, it's nothing. Did Kelly Clarkson win the first time? I think she won the first season. Wow, yeah, and she's still famous, right? She has a talk show. Yeah, she's still got it. She's behind these hazel eyes.

She had fucking jams after the fact, you know? That's cool. She made popular music after the show. I can't think of anybody else that did that, unless, did Drake win season six? No, we just went over this. Hicks won season six. Hicks won six.

Drizzy came in fithy. And then 23rd Zizzy. There probably are people that were on this show that got famous afterwards that we don't know about, because they didn't necessarily break through because of American Idol, but they're famous in their own right post. Does that make sense?

Yeah, like talent to get there. Right. And to be through to Hollywood for sure takes talent. Okay, can you guess who the, like when we were watching it was Simon, you know, the surly British guy, Randy Jackson, that's a no from me dog, and Paula Abdul, right?

Yeah, she was positive, a little kooky, but do you think any of them are still the hosts? I actually think I know the answer to this question. Okay, let's hear it. Because I believe it made news this year that all three of them are back for the first time hosting season 19. Wow, hot damn.

Am I right? What I can see, maybe they're coming back next year, because according to this article that I just found, the judges were Lionel Richie, Katie Perry, and Luke Bryan, so maybe... Who is Luke Bryan? Maybe they didn't do well. Nothing we've said so far matters,

but that one especially doesn't matter. We're gotten so far away from everything. Who is Luke Bryan? I'm looking at a photo of him and I still don't know. He's a country music star, there you go. So he's insanely famous. Country music stars I know absolutely jack shit about. Yeah, this guy could be the number one country music star

in the world, and might be, and we just have... He likely is. Yeah. All right, so shout out to Taylor Van Cleave slash Taylor Hicks all the way down to Luke Bryan for submitting that theme song. For this, The If I Were You podcast, the only advice... Podcast on the web hosted by us, I'm Amir. I am Jake.

We got one question about post-pandemic hairstyle that I feel like you're perfectly equipped to answer, because he sent us photos and his hair is almost identical to yours. You guys saw the photos. You guys both started and ended at the same exact length. He's got a nice flow. Yeah, he's got the Trevor Lawrence locks.

You could be a quarterback. Who's Trevor Lawrence? Oh, yeah. He does have the Trevor Lawrence locks, for sure. He's the number one draft pick out of Clemson. As soon as you said long haired quarterback, I got him. So here's this guy's... We'll call this guy Trevor Lawrence, because he's a single 24-year-old man emerging from the strict confines of pandemic lockdown

and his devotion to protecting his humanity has left me unkempt. My most recent haircut took place in February of 2020. Is that the same aspect? I believe I got my haircut maybe in February, maybe in March. It was pretty late. It was right before lockdown, so it was well timed. Okay, and then while I was never particularly impressed by my hair, it's straight and red.

I feel as though I have a blank canvas to work with given the length of my locks. So what hairstyle should a ginger bachelor like me get? That will grab positive attention. Jake, you've pulled off many a stylish cut. That have a lattice from Jafar. Is there hope for me? See attached picks.

And then the picks are indeed very long, straight, reddish, strawberry-ish blonde hair. Really similar to my hair coloring and length. It's a little longer and it's completely straight, whereas I've got some waves. This guy could be your cousin. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, similar eyes and nose too. Jesus.

This guy could have been... One of the Washington State Hurwitzes, I think. Yeah, exactly. He's got that West Coast energy. Yeah. Okay, so what's your plan and what should this guy's plan be? I mean, you can't grow it forever. My plan is to grow it either down to my ass crack

or until I wake up and Jill has cut it while I've been sleeping, which I feel like is possible. Like she's nearing a breaking point for sure. Oh, already, yeah. Because you're a year and a half in and it's about a foot long and in your mind, the end goal is like what? Three years away because it has to grow for another two, three feet. I think I would ideally like to cut my hair, I don't know,

around the holidays or something. I want to have a long hair. I want to have a long hair summer. I definitely want to have a long hair summer. I worked for this. I waited for this. I asked God for this. I prayed for this. And it's been delivered on a silver platter and a silver hat in the form of a pandemic, actually.

It's like I fucking willed this into existence. This was the best year of my life. God knew that I needed to hibernate inside because I didn't have the huevos. I was too vain to go outside with that mid length hair, that awkward phase. Yeah, I don't even remember. I really don't remember what last summer was at all,

just in terms of a pandemic. That's all just blending into one month. But I really don't remember what we looked like in September of last year, like nine months ago. I look at photos and I'm like, oh my God, my hair is so short. But I remember at the time, I was like, my hair is getting long. Yeah, it's all relative, baby. Yeah, I had bangs in the summer.

She bangs, she bangs. That was another American Idol. Did Ricky Martin win? Wait, what was it? William Hung. He went to my college while I was there. And he was, you could get, American Idol was so famous that you could get famous

from being bad on it also. You didn't have to be good. You could be so bad that you become William Hung. He was just sweet, so everyone loved him and then we would see him on campus. Oh, there's William Hung. There's a monotone guy that wanted to try it out for American Idol.

Where's William Hung right now? That's what I have to add. Let's find out if he has more Twitter followers than Taylor pics. That's what I need to know. And then I'll give this guy hair advice. Yeah, how many? William Hung on Instagram.

Wow, this is perfect. Oh, this is great. Good news. He's a life and confidence coach and a pro poker player. Yes. That's awesome. William Hung official has 211 followers. Whoa.

Wait. No, I'm just joking. He has 4200 followers. Oh, okay. I thought it was 211,000. Oh, no, no, no. So, I mean, two unimpressive numbers. And you better fucking believe he's on cameo.

That's awesome. How much do you think it would be to get him to sing She Bangs? William Hung cameo. I can tell you exactly how much it would cost. $30. That's pretty good. She bangs, she bangs.

Oh, baby, when she moves, she moves. I go crazy. Yeah, we can give him like a if I were you theme song to perform. That's awesome. I'm happy for William Hung. Okay, so for this guy. Yeah, what does this guy do?

I was thinking that how like we look at photos of like the 60s and everyone had a crew cut and then in the 70s everyone had long hair like that was the sign of the times. I think like in like 20, 30 years we'll be able to focus and like notice exactly when the pandemic was because everyone before it will have short haircuts

and then everyone after it will have long haircuts. It'll like define what the pandemic was. I like read an article about like for like men's hairstyles for this summer and it's a lot of exactly what I'm doing now. Just like long swept back hair just like guys that didn't get

haircuts and let their hair grow and are now kind of like into it. There's gonna be a lot of us this summer. I've seen it on a lot of my friends as well. See it on my brother. This guy cannot grow a beard it seems though, so there's a little difference. Yeah.

I mean I think I would debut the long hair be part of the be part of the grand reopening with the flow. Pony? I like the way his hair looked down. I think you could test out something like a low pony instead of a high pony.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Not a man bun or anything like that. So not like high and tight, not like pulled back but yeah just sort of like behind the ears but like gathered into a low pony. Matthew McConaughey in True Detective. That style.

Yeah, greasy underneath like his neck being sweaty and it sort of makes his hair wet. Nine cans of Bud Light crushed up around you and torn apart into little dolls. What was the name of that evil guy in that season where he's like

and then that's when I met and it was like this very evil name. Rusty LaRue or something? Rusty LaRue. Isn't it like Reggie LaRue? Reggie LaRue. That was a great season in television.

And a great time in our lives. That was the year we moved, 2014. It was when we moved to L.A., right? I remember watching it in the Nickel Terana house. Yeah. All right, so True Detective style Matthew McConaughey level.

The other, another one is the kid from I think it's not Vikings it's Oh Last Kingdom the Ragnar Ragnarsson look which is like what is that? It's super long

on top and basically buzzed on the sides pulled back into a pony. It's really intense. It's like a like, I mean like you could get a Viking haircut. If you just Google Viking haircut you will see what I'm talking about.

Don't you have to be big to be you never see like a scrawny pale Viking like the are you calling this guy scrawny and pale? Because you also said he looked like me you said he looked like a cousin of mine and then you said you never see a scrawny and pale Viking. I'm just wondering what you meant

I guess when I think of Vikings I think of like with that train with that train with thought I'm curious what your intention is I'm answering you. Slow down and I want you to tread lightly I want you to tread lightly When I think of Vikings

they're always like linebackers like 6 foot 6 240 pounds you never see like short like I can't imagine that there's a Viking my height that doesn't really jive with my mental definition of what a

Viking is. In terms of him looking like me and this advice like is it connected are you calling me Finn is what I'm asking I wasn't but now I kind of do just because it seems like now I kind of Reggie Ladoo

don't you. Nice Reggie Ladoo I gotta watch that show again been too long. This is Korkosa I'm more of a true detective season 3 fan that's when the show really hit its stride. Can you even name who was in it in season 3?

They botched too so much that I stopped watching and then stopped and didn't even watch 3 entirely. I remember season 2 was so bad that I was like I will watch season 3 if I hear it's good. I wasn't like I wasn't going to watch it myself but I didn't check out. I was like

I'll wait and hear what they say and I didn't hear good things so I'm out. Well it was like a complete anthology right like season 2 was like completely different actors characters and stories so it's like it has nothing to do with season 1. Alright

let's take a break. Thanks some sponsors answer some more questions on the other side of these messages. Thank you to Stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts

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thank you Stamps.com for sponsoring this show. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode but the entire Head Gum Network Jake. Wow. That's correct I mean this might be the

Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is yeah. Yeah not just Father's Day but for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah

for me personally these things are perfect. I'll tell you why as you know I am expecting yeah my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So

there are three of these bad boys in our family right now but they are they're great really easy way to like stay in touch with your family you can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh that's cool. So you take a photo of anything

perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah frame. This is actually how we how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame we plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet

moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah kind of like she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way

Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant it's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly

frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah

exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah it's a great gift. A really really iconic gift. And right now you can save on a perfect father's day gift and visit aura frames that's a u r a

frames dot com. And our listeners can use code head gum to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow this is timely the deal ends on June 18th so don't wait terms and conditions apply that's aura

frames a u r a frames dot com. Okay go get your parents something alright. And use the code head gum for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you u r a. And now back to the head gum podcast you were listening to. And we're back Jake do you

have any. Oh it's a let's do it. I actually don't but I'm curious because I think you do. Yeah mine is more of what I've been doing this pandemic and now it's starting to bleed out of the pandemic which is playing tennis

again I've been playing tennis with Amir Ko and once a week. Wow when did you start. I think we started almost a year ago not quite at the way beginning of the pandemic but sometime last summer because I was like oh way to get exercise distanced outdoors you can potentially

wear a mask if necessary and then we've been keeping it up every week and it's fun to have like a standing appointment so like every Tuesday at 9 a.m. we make a reservation to play tennis play tennis we even took two tennis lessons his wife shout out

to Jenna gave him two tennis lessons for Father's Day. So I just tagged along and we took tennis lessons and now we're just continuing to play. What's your relationship with tennis as you you know from when you were a boy like how long have you been playing. I

took lessons as a kid so I wasn't starting from scratch like I remember going to like tennis camps and like when I was 10 and stuff like that but I was never very good and then I just stopped playing entirely in high school all the way up until like I would play like sporadically in New York but not

really anything consistent and then in LA you could play 12 months out of the year there's no like there's no season where you can't play tennis so I've just been playing tennis since I've been back. It's interesting because I also played tennis this weekend. I'm a tennis fan. I went

home to Connecticut to visit my parents for Father's Day and there's courts like in Connecticut they're just they're everywhere. Every intersection is technically a tennis court in Connecticut. Yeah it has to be by law but we just played high school.

Oh wow. So you used to play like semi-competitive high school tennis. I technically played college tennis that means you're pretty good right? Like you weren't bad you can't be as bad as me and play college tennis I don't think.

I was the worst or second to worst player on the team at college so I was good enough for that but I don't think I want to match and I was pretty bad.

Do you think you're better than me right now? I have been playing once a week for a year. You played in college but not really since. No I'm not because I've played over the last two summers I will fuck around and I'll play with my brother

I think I've played in the last year I've probably played tennis maybe half a dozen times actually maybe last summer maybe ten times but whatever and I'm like there's some things that are hardwired

in my brain I think I could ace you a couple times. Oh you're a good server. Really? And it hasn't gone away and I was always a good server and I just like whatever it was when I was a kid I like got that motion down and I haven't forgotten it

but sometimes when I'm like waiting for the ball to come to my forehand I have some kind of like weird twitch and I forget how to hit it for a second and I'll just absolutely shank it straight up so playing tennis for me is really weird because it's like

sometimes I can go on autopilot and like you know hit a few volleys and groundstrokes and it like all feels right but then just like in one moment I totally forget what I'm doing so I think you would beat me because you've been playing more consistently but I think I'd surprise you

a couple times. This would be a great video as us playing we've never played tennis together I don't think. That's the weirdest thing too because like you and I we do everything together and two people growing up and like opposite coasts that have basically

everything in common including a sport that we grew up playing but we never ever played it. We gotta play tennis for $10,000 on video and we'll be live in the middle of the country

meeting in Lebanon, Kansas in July. Yeah. Do you think accurate is your serve? I think I've gotten better how accurate is your serve? Like you're talking about your awesome serves like are those first serves going in like 50% of the time

or less? Oh wow I think honestly I mean right now probably less than 50% of the time. Okay that's good that's a good start for me. Yeah 25% of the time like I think I can in a game I can

win two points off of my serve. And then how it's not enough. And how's your second serve? Are you getting it in most of the time just slower? Yeah my second serve absolutely sucks but like I have it's I'm too

scared of double faulting so I'll just dink that second serve over. Yeah and then it's a layup. Yeah any return is gonna be good. And I mean it's also like I don't think I'm playing with it so far I haven't been playing with anybody that's so good that I can't

just dink my serve. No one's putting it away I'm not getting joke with it out there. Do you have I've got a serve and volley game. I play a Samper's style 90's style play. What's yours? Yeah I like to stay

in the back sort of ease you over to one side of the court and then I'll use my inside out forehand maybe a top spin or a back slice backhand to sort of lure you in and out. One arm backhand or is it two handed backhand unless I'm slicing it then I'll do that semi

volley sort of cut down the ball depending on where you are on the court yeah and I'm just gonna try to work yeah one second I'm trying to like work for you in the net. Tell me one second if you approach the net I will lob I have enough tops you'll lob that over and I'm kissing

the baseline every time. You don't know the reach I have you don't know the reach I have people try to lob me they try to lob me I'll pick that shit out of the sky don't you worry about that and I'll hammer it home straight at your feet too right down your throat

I've never been aced or had a winner against me I'm like a brick wall back there diving for shit I will break my fucking sternum before you let it go I've gone through a brick wall before how's your grunting it's bad but I will

when I played my brother last week I hit a drop shot and then I started giggling like a little gnome and that made him laugh so that was good how's Micah? how's Micah at tennis? he's good we had a really good game he was beating me

4-1 I came back I stormed back I went up 5-4 then he ended up winning 7-5 it was a tiebreaker no we didn't get to a tiebreaker it was devastating

but it was also insanely hot it was like mercy that we didn't go to a tiebreaker it was really hot who wins more you were going I win but it helps that his shoulder is kind of injured so you can't really serve it very fast at all

so I sort of take advantage of that what's your strong stroke it used to be backhand but now my farhand is more accurate I'm pretty good at hitting a top spin forehand when we were taking lessons at one point I asked the guy

can you serve against us like as hard as you can I just want to see what it's like because he grew up playing semi-professional tennis in high school and college it got injured so he just turned into a tennis instructor I want to see what it's like to stare down

a kind of good tennis player do you remember playing a great tennis player in college I'm sure there were really good ones against you I remember just getting your racket on the serve was all you could really hope for just use the force to send it back

so he was like depending on where we would stand like ace us to the left or right and then he's like okay I won't ace you he could literally choose where to hit it past us and then he's like I'll try to hit it towards you and then he would like flat hit it towards us to the point where like we had to

duck out of the way because it was coming at us so fast it was so scary and funny that's awesome I do remember doing like that being a trick up your sleeves that like most of the time you're slicing it but it's like you feel like someone standing too far to one side you can just hit it flat

straight down the line I can't do that that's like next level shit what's your what how often does your first serve go in and are you hammering it sometimes I'll go for the hammer and that's like less than 10% like I'm just fucking wildly

I'm like if this goes in it'll look awesome but odds are yeah like it might fly out of the court or just go straight down into the ground like that's how non focused I am my aim is that off and then the less power I take how long

are your points I would say at most 5 to 7 hits per side but that's like the most but you're not like I feel like when you're bad it's like okay you're either double faulting

or if I get it over you're hitting it into the net you know like the 2 or 3 point rallies that's not fun but you're getting it over consistently getting it over consistently and then if I'm like you know I need to win I'm like not going for any speed or any accuracy

you're just backwarding I'm just hoping to make the other person make an unforced error I would hate playing you we would be playing like ping pong that's right long slow shots even if I hit you all the way to the right

and then hit you all the way to the left you can get there because my pace is so slow because I'm so scared of missing so I'm never going for anything that exciting that's how I play too, terrified of missing which ends up making you miss more yeah I guess you're supposed to

just hit it as hard as you can and then work on the accuracy later and I do the opposite I'm like hitting it as soft as I can and I'm building up the strength right I think that well because like when you're young you're just you're there's a hopper of balls and you're hitting them all over and it's okay

but yeah when you're like when we're old and we're playing it's like I can't just like wail on these balls because I'll miss 3 in a row and we'll have to walk and get them and I'll feel bad and then we have to go home because I only brought 3 balls instead of a fucking basket filled with 300 of them

alright we'll play tennis next time you're out here I'm out there I'd love that I'm actually looking into a few mansions with a tennis court to purchase so it's like a tennis court basketball did you come into

winey somehow I'm just browsing for now looking at places that are a little out of my zone there's this I was meant to send you an 11 million dollar palace and gated community in Calabasas I see that and I'm still waiting on your notes

for like a script we need you to weigh in on some podcasts this one is really really nice I just feel like it's 13 million but I can put in a low ball of $7400 and see if they bite because a lot of these things are

priced too high but I really need the tennis court now that I got the itch I'm slowly figuring that whole thing out I do actually I troll Zillow a lot and there was near my parents house in Connecticut just a straight up tennis court

for sale no house it was just land that was for sale but the land was improved by having had a tennis court built on it and now it's just land so you have to buy

you have to build the house but the tennis court is there the tennis court is done though so you don't have to worry about that yeah that's an easy thing it's like a slab of concrete in this fucking forest that you bought how about you make the house and I'll deal with the tennis court

that's the easy part there's no net you'll have to install a net you can't get your own net I have to do everything there's a town small enough that I can buy a house with a tennis court in it definitely

if you move to rural Idaho if you move to rural Idaho there's going to be free tennis courts everywhere cities are where it's hard to play tennis like in LA you have to reserve a court in New York you have to show up before the sun comes up

but when I play at home it's just you just troll on what right do you have that's a good question because I bought a really cheap one on Amazon about a year ago and I never really did any research and I still am using it

but I should probably upgrade my racket game it was like a $19 Wilson or something so before we play I think I'm going to have to go go tennis racket shopping maybe restring mine get a shock absorber and some pro-pen balls

so that when we do play you're ass up and down the court and I will be spending top dollar on a tennis bag don't forget a shock absorber you don't want to sleep on that shit and I want to get it re-gripped actually

so I'm going to get mine re-gripped re-strung shock absorber Wilson frame 399 and did I mention I have a bag that is shaped like a tennis fucking racket and inside is a tennis racket inside is one racket

and 20 sandwiches because I can't actually afford any more rackets I spent it all in the bag oh and my pants they're Rafa Nadal circa 2005 style Caprice and I am wearing a muscle tee and a headband

and I'm going to beat you lefty Vamos Blumenfeld Vamos and I'll bring a fucking coach and I'm not allowed to look at him or that's illegal alright so stay tuned for the details of that tennis matchup yes

a lot on the line actually maybe too much on the line ten thousand dollars which will buy you a tennis court in rural Idaho it's just that I put in a few offers on some really nice estates

out here and I need to be as liquid as possible so I don't know if I can tie any of my free little ten thousand dollars into these matches that you have planned alright let's try to answer another question sorry to hear that

open marriage I think this is pretty good nice we'll call this guy Owen Marriage hey all I'm Owen I'm 27 years old and I've been married for four years lately my wife has been making

lots of jokes and comments regarding an open marriage but we've never had a serious conversation about it however we were recently on vacation and I asked her if she would care if I slept with other people and she says I really don't think I would I'm not that type of girl my question is was that a green light to go for it or do we have to have a

formal conversation love Owen casual hypothetical I asked you about I fucking took you up on that offer I said I didn't think I would care and now you have a girlfriend and we have a kid

I have a mistress I would think you have to have a more formal conversation indeed but it seems like the formal conversation is trending in your favor if you want the open marriage it's a green light to have the conversation is what this is

you can't spring it out of nowhere and be like hey we have to have a formal conversation about having an open marriage but you make a joke she's receptive then it's on the table but this was not you didn't have the conversation yet

let's be clear it turns out it could very easily turn out that like when the pedals to the metal or when the rubber hits the road or whatever the phrasing is she's less into it

than you are as you're like joking on vacation which is kind of a light hearted fun vibe when push comes to shove you can't just bring home a lady and be like you don't remember you said I really don't think I had mind this is Hailey

this is you're making Hailey feel uncomfortable you definitely I think you really said you didn't think you would mind so here we are yeah I would say

you can have the talk if you really really want it but you have to be prepared to have your wife also be down to clown with other dudes if necessary yeah it's a two way street bro

actually if you can just figure out a way to make it a one way thing that way you can sort of it's ideal for you to open in a way which is what I'm sort of dealing with I caught my lover

inflagrante delicto red handed as it were and she uh I've never heard that phrase before yeah that's how she sort of phrased it it was this Italian guy and he was like throwing some weird terminology at me

retroactively he was asking me what was it it was inflagrante delicto what is that it was so fucked up because it got to the point where I felt like I was the bad guy

if that makes sense yeah I guess it's being caught in the act of Ron doing in an act of sexual misconduct so this guy's fucking moving in basically and I caught him red handed

as he was not packing his bags you caught him bringing it back you didn't catch him I think he wanted to be caught he was moving in they caught you off guard yes

that's what I should have said do you mind talking to this fucker he's like so passionate he's in there now they said why don't you go record a fucking show and I'm like you mean a podcast honey so that's what I'm up to

and then you did and then you did it then you texted me and said can you record now and here we are god you're a pushover in a way in a way alright let's take another break

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ifiru to save 10% off that first purchase thank you Squarespace and we are back hell yeah yeah yeah this one is from a lawyer in Australia which is kinda cool to think about

I didn't realize they have those down there I thought everybody has laws calling to cool right mate I'll just like we'll figure it out you get it sorted mate yeah it's alright yeah I hit you with a car we don't have to get legal involved legalese and all that

yeah mate you're alright mate there's no doctors or lawyers here there's just a couple of blokes playing knifey spoonie you call that a lawyer this is a lawyer pulls out Patrick Rafter alright that's a good quote

that's a good name for this Australian lawyer we'll call him Patrick Rafter how many times has Patrick Rafter made an appearance in our podcast it feels like a lot I wonder if we can get him he's clearly not up to anything right I don't know

god he was so hot I wonder if he's on cameo too I mean I don't even think he's on social media that's awesome yeah he is like over 50 or maybe Google just didn't show me yeah

he's not fucking there there's somebody named Dr. Patrick Rafter and that's not him no and on Instagram it's just a Patrick Rafter hashtag man I mean my god

how could we even reach out to Rafter we'd have to build the ATP like Phillip who's bored or something maybe we go in through Layton Hewitt or something getting at him from the side to fucking Layton Hewitt

to reach out to Rafter I'm talking to Bjorn Borg's manager can Borg put in a good warg Mr. Borg can I have a warg and after we can talk

Rafter how the hell are you ball hits me in the side of the head Michael Chang my man how's it going my freshman year college roommate was a huge tennis player and a Michael Chang fan

and he had a Michael Chang poster because he was kind of a short tennis player and like Michael Chang was his inspiration that guy was really good at tennis he would kick both of our asses shout out to Boris I thought you were talking about Michael Chang

oh no yeah my roommate I think my roommate was named after Boris Becker even though he was Asian so it was like an Asian Boris tennis player respect alright we'll call this guy Patrick Rafter in January of this year I started a new job

at a mid-tier firm with a staff around 25 over the last six months I've been plagued by one particular staff member in her 60s in the conveyancing team I'm in commercial disputes I don't know what that word is but okay

sure we don't have to know I inherited my desk phone from a lawyer that worked closely with the conveyancers so as I understand it the staff member must be on autopilot dialing my extension out of habit realizing the mistake and ending the call

before I can pick up the first time this happened I answered and we did the awkward routine of joking around but in the following weeks it continued to happen every couple days with her clearly realizing her mistake as soon as she called because she would hang up

it really didn't bother me at the time but this bitty is legit calling me three to five times a week six months later to clarify it's always just one or two rings see her name flash on the phone and then she hangs up while only momentarily it takes me out of the workflow of my work

and endlessly frustrates me that this old bag can't figure out a simple push of a button half a year later I want to just do my job and get out so I've never confronted her about this to solve my problem I've been considering a more clandestine approach

in that I sneak into this colleagues open office space find her desk, steal her phone however should I just poison her with a chemist I appreciate your coy guidance in my hour of need yours faithfully Patrick frickin rafter okay cool

so he wants our permission to poison his colleague yeah but keep in mind he's an Australian lawyer so whatever so he can get himself out of it yeah he can figure it out sort it out mate

push, stiff up a lip and all that this that reminds me of the the animated thing we did for stuck everyone should check it out if they haven't already yeah you can hear my voice work in our animated series on our Patreon

I'm sort of a polyglot in terms of accent I'm actually an accent coach if you can believe it I would say you might have two accents just now like the British and the Australian I was doing all that with the Australian

right but show me Russian Russian oh yes sir okay that was started out kind of Russian it ended I think can I interest you in a salmon

I didn't even give you an accent to portray you just were you still doing Russian or were you off doing another Alaska like I moved to Sweden from Alaska can I interest you in a salmon

if you mix up the the dialect that much then yeah it's almost meaningless right so let's just do straightforward Swedish yeah you have to say more

than that you can't just be like yeah yeah yeah yes yes yes thank you thank you I'm from there okay Brazil oh welcome baby welcome

you can't even think of something that they might say in Brazil you say welcome welcome baby welcome to my home Boston accent I'm from Boston baby yeah

I'm I'm from outside mass um you're putting me on the spot and it's like now I'm like overthinking everything well you said you were a dialect coach so it's reasonable for me to put you on the spot

because this is exactly what you do you coach somebody but like I'm yeah I have to know the character so don't just say you're from Boston like you are this person from this place and then I can sort of that'll help me guide you're the actor which would be you by the way

you're a bartender yeah I don't suck you're a bartender in Scotland okay and somebody is trying to order a whiskey okay or Scotch you know bartender hey um Dale here by the way

you're the bartender you're playing the character okay Jesus Christ you don't know scene work bartender hey what's your name gah uh okay gah uh I'm

visiting from out of town my name my name is Dale uh pleasure to meet you I guess I've just been in and out of it's been so much time on Dale we already know you know how to talk in American accent

yeah I'm a stranger you fucking idiot can I have a um that's weird scene work what's it called what's it called do you see this move by the way can I have a what's it called

yeah I see good work it's Scotch Scotch okay yeah and then the guy barely talks he's like kind of like one of those like Guy Richie so you're not doing the accent you're not doing a Scotch

accent you said you needed a character I gave you bartender then you went into a fucking weird side character named Dale who's a doctor and can't name a fucking drink I don't even think your scene work was strong as Dale you like couldn't

think of a drink and you tried to use that but I don't think that was good acting you can have a whiskey but you can't have my soul son and I'll tell you why because I'm from Scotland and you can go kiss a guy

that was actually really good that was um that was Dale's brother who's from Ireland Raj who's in town that was the bartender

he was like I was trying to give you a trap door out of the scene because you were floundering and you were too dumb to even take that to even you just breeze past the exit

ramp I gave you right and now you're still trapped I don't need an exit ramp lad all I need is a pair of Killian's Irish bowling shoes let's fucking let's get out of here man

this is clearly not you're going through some shit regardless of how bad my ass was I had a great day you hung me out to dry baby it sucked so many leaping off points you sucked

Killian's Irish bowling shoes I can't do Scottish I can do Hebrew and I can do English that's two accents then so you're not a coach not accents languages

languages for example shalom shalom I wouldn't have challenged you on that I knew that you could speak Hebrew thank you we'll call it even then

so you got one thing wrong and I got the other this guy should just seen that's right this guy can go to work go to your office and ask for a new phone say you want a new number say people are calling it

looking for the old person and you need a new number and you don't have to throw this lady under the bus you say I need a new phone and if they won't give you a new phone then you need a new desk how many people did he say worked at this company it was like 40 something yeah 60s 25 oh 25

you can always ask for a new desk or a new phone if you need to or you can block a number how hard can that be that happens all the time on my cell boom get a spam call block it yeah a desk phone

if you can block it that would be great but I wonder if you really can in Australia I think you could probably do anything they have all that kind of shit sorted out they all got it sorted mate hope you can do anything mate that's right

and I think star 69 started in Australia as like a fucking sexual joke it's like star 69 remember you called that to get the person who just called you that was a really big deal and I think it started in Australia

so really yeah Namaste you're nasty figure it out without killing your fucking co-worker end of story oh and if you look for something to drink I highly recommend

a piece of apple or pear cider right on the other side of the bar that's how you fucking do it still the bartender that was a check woman

asking for a cider because she's in town for a fucking gynecological convention in from Prague and out tomorrow but if you're thinking about Scottish you're thinking about talking like this end of story

I'm not fucking litigating this shit anymore you're being antagonistic about it you're being defensive and it's cause it's cause you know that you're not good at it I think deep down deep down I think I'm good

it's the problem is when you go a little past that I'm starting to realize I might be second guessing my ass follow my ass down the rabbit hole yes exactly alright so that's our show thanks for emailing us

thanks for sending us your questions and your theme songs the email address for all that jazz is if i were you show at gmail.com yeah if you're looking for more videos of us watch an old jake and amir episodes potentially watching

other videos like our animated series stuck it's all on our patreon patreon.com.ca yeah damn right opening theme song was taylor van cleave if I remember correctly he was sort of trolling us in a way on the day

making us seem bad in terms of other podcasts ultimately we appreciated this closing theme song is by seiji and his song submission is I guess it's an original nothing to plug

but please give me a shout out to my friend jack pronounced as it's spelled of course total so thank you seiji shout out to jack thanks to you guys for listening and as always we'll be back next week

kiss off why don't ya and welcome to glasgo ya shufferin fool fuck me I'm out stop trying stop trying god that was bad I don't even think you can do a regular fucking english accent

if they sell you a couch and they sold me a couch and I brought like 10 couches they're supposed to give you advice but it's mostly S for couches and now I have a hundred couches in my apartment my landlord's telling me to leave

because the floors can't be in because of my couches I should make a website about it I'll probably put it on squarespace yeah this is me finally you should go to gmail.com that was a hit gum original