If I Were You - 495: Too Many Dates

Episode Date: July 5, 2021

In this episode we discuss basketball fans, charming babies, and wearing sunscreen.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. Mom, she does listen to me when I tell her to turn it off. Don't even turn it down. There's not a lot left, so let's just turn off the podcast, Mom. Still, I already said you can't turn it off. I will. I will. I will. I love that. I love Simon and Garfunkel, a wistful nostalgic vibe to start the episode. You got married to that song, we should say, the remix, which includes you talking about how much you love to lick ass. You and your mother's song, actually.

Now everybody on the dance floor. I at least would have walked down the aisle to that, but it's not really everyone on the dance floor. She gave you away, yeah. My mom gave me away on the day to a song that tells her to turn it off. This guy, Kyler, said, Jake's mom said her favorite movie is The Graduate, in which April Comes She Will is featured. I love April Comes She Will. It's one of my all-time Simon and Garfunkel songs. It sounds like the title is like a very Yoda style phrasing. April Comes She Will. I guess it's about...

April Comes She Will. April Comes She Will. It's like the spring is going to come, the spring. Not unlike Dave Matthews in Satellite where he says winter is cold, spring erases, and the come away by the storm is chasing. Yeah, everything good needs replacing. Look up, look down, all around again. Not quite Satellite. That's, yeah, that song. That's how that one goes. Anyway, this guy's not a... This one, sorry, yep, go ahead, that's fine.

We go marching two by two. March is also featured in this song. Oh wait, no, it's not because it's, yeah, no, it starts with April and I believe it ends with September. Spring to summer and then fall. Yeah, fucking months have been and then the winter goes away. I fucking get it. We don't need another song about, you know, Jesus Christ. Well, it's the Seasons of Life is what it is. You obviously don't get it because it's not just about weather.

It's not just about fucking spring, summer. Or fall, all I have to do is call... Birth, youth, your old age and death. And I'll be there, yes you will. It is May. Is there a song about every month? All right, let's start at the top. January. There's not one about that.

No, there's no one. Feb, moving on to Feb. A song about February. You do like a Valentine's Day type thing. Yeah, but not really. I'm sure there's like a Valentine or something. March. Okay.

March. Marching two by two. I don't think so, no. April, that's, we got April comes April. I don't think we have one. Oh, all right, yeah, yeah. That's good. May, a song.

Oh yeah, there's that lag wagon song May 16th. Do you know that one? No, I don't think I do. And there's the punk rock song. It's going to be me, but it's going to be May. Me, yeah, that's the name. It's got to be June. Is there a June?

Is there a June song? Not a June one. No June. No June. No, that's a movie. No June. July. Julie.

Any songs about Julie or July? July. No songs about Julie. There might be something about July. Yankee Doodle Dandy, which is born on the 4th of July. July. Which refers to August. August.

Num. Mmm. There's the joke where you call something smoggist, which is like smoggy in August, but that's like a song. That's just like a portmanteau invented. June, gloom, may gray, yeah. Smoggist. That's not.

September. Do you remember? That's good. And then, yeah, and wake me up when September ends. That's two September. Let's give one to August. August. Wake me up when August ends.

Yeah. Yeah, that'll work. And then we have October. October. There's no song that goes October, October. No. But there's a, she did the mash. She did the monster mash.

That's a Halloween song. And Halloween is October. Is there a November song? No. A song that even references November. I don't think so. November's kind of a non-holiday. Yeah.

And then there's December. Wake me up when December ends. So that's December. That's good. Yeah. And there's also, do you remember? Spring is back to January. December.

December. December. And is there a January song now that we're moving on? I think there, no. No. No January. What about a Feb? Feb Valentine's Day is in Feb.

Is there a Will You Be Mine? Love songs. Yeah. I guess there's songs about love or girls or guys or whatever. March. Shh. 43 straight minutes of this. April.

We're leaving our voices. We still can't think of a song. Okay. That opening theme song was written by Kyler. He's not a singer, but he is a podcaster. He has a history podcast called Death of the Roman Republic. Yeah. I guess there's a lot of similarities between that and America.

So you can check that out. He's a huge fan. And he wrote this song. I guess he wrote the lyrics five years ago, but finally recorded it. So shout out to Kyler and shout out to Death of the Roman Republic. Respect. Thank you. Wait a minute.

He's saying that the fall of Rome is similar in many ways to America. What? America's not gone anywhere. We're still in number one, right? Well, yeah, but Rome was the goat for a long time. I think that's what he's meaning is just that America is peaking, not unlike Rome peaked back in the day. We're not going to...

I don't see a world where I surrender my crown as the number one citizen of the number one country in the fucking planet. Why do you think you're the number one citizen? Because I'm basically the American dream. And I'm living in America. Because I was a complete rags to riches story. You were born with the silver spoon in your ass. That's because I was a jaundice baby and they thought that it would give me more iron

to have a little spoon up my ass in a white light that gave me vitamin R. Are you afraid to hang out with me, nurse? I hit on a nurse as an infant. As a jaundice infant with a spoon in your ass. You came on to a nurse. And by the way, for the first time ever, that infant closed. No way. Yes.

No chance. We went out three times, once on the 19th when I was a day, and then two more the following weekend after my bris. I remember that because we shared an amazing kiss outside of this Israeli... You had a courtship. You dated. Yes, me and the nurse that helped the doctor deliver me. As you were less than a week old with a fucking disease, by the way.

So you're not even a healthy baby. No, I was yellow. You're not closing. I guess she got off to that shit. No way. No chance. I don't think so. By the way, this doesn't make you a rags to riches story,

because it sounds like you started out really pinking, dating an older woman. Yeah. Before you could talk or walk. She was 40. Years your senior. Yeah. I was zero at the time. You said a day.

Yeah. I was fourth, not a day, and I was a day, so I was a day. Yeah, I was a four. By the time I reached two, I dated a shoe. I dated an 80 year old bootnick. Yeah. Anyway. All right.

Shout out to Kyler. Thank you. If I were you, April, come, she will. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web, hosted by us. I'm Amir. I am Jake. And we got some questions. I don't know if you know this, but people have been emailing us for an area decade now.

Whoa. That's a long time. And we finally got a question about Michael Jordan. It's like, it took, it took almost 10 years, but we got there. We should Game Boy that to see if that's true. We might have gotten a couple. Yeah, about Michael Jordan. Let's see.

Michael. This is sort of a reverse Game Boy. Right. There's six, six questions, so pretty. Yeah. Not the first one, but. Less than one a year. That's interesting.

Yeah. They were all during the last dance, I think. All right. Nice. Well, did you watch the last dance? I did. I loved the last dance. By the way, speaking of, yeah, I watched the whole thing.

Even Jill loved it. Are you, are you happy today? Are you having a nice day? Because the Clippers were eliminated from the NBA playoffs last night. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's the highlight of my quarantine. You're glad.

Do you think this is better than? This is great for the NBA. It's great for the city. It's great for me. Is it better? Is this feeling better than when the Lakers won? No, but it's the closest. It's the closest secondary feeling is when your rivals lose.

Yeah. Yeah. Especially because they were like doing really well. There was like a groundswell of support in LA. I imagine a lot of your friends giving you shit. You. Right. Really hoping in your bones that they weren't going to win.

And you'd have to like, you'd have to play it off like you didn't care that much. Right. Whatever. It's just basketball, but inside seething. I will say I was happier last year when they blew it this year. They like overachieved. So they, the Clipper fans still leave the season with a taste of satisfaction. Whereas last year they like choked and they were all angry and Kawhi was sad.

And now it's just like, yeah, I mean, Kawhi was hurt. We got far and nobody thought we'd get this far without Kawhi. So it makes sense. So it softens the joy a little bit, but I'm still happy they didn't make it to the finals. And is Kawhi going anywhere? Like he's going to stick around, right? Probably going to stick around though contractually he can opt out of his contract. He has like a player option not to get into the nitty gritty of it.

But if he wanted to, he could leave this year to Miami and just sign as a free agent if he wanted to. But odds are he won't want to. Yeah. Okay. Cool. Now, who do you want to win between the three teams that are left? Atlanta, Milwaukee and the East versus the Suns. Yeah.

I would want, I think I would prefer Milwaukee to win, but they also got their best player hurt. So odds are they won't even make it now. And if they do, they probably won't win. So I mean, I'd be happy with any team left just because it's like such a random team that was never really a lake or rivalry. So I'm not like mad if the Bucks or Hawks or Suns win. I see. All right, cool. I also have this Chris Paul rookie card that will hopefully go up in value if he wins a championship because that will make his cases like, you know, the fourth best point guard, more solid.

So his value will go up. So I have some rooting interest there. I see. Very cool. Yeah. But yeah, happy that the Clippers lost for sure. Absolutely. L.A. hashtag our way.

Yeah. Good stuff. Speed. Okay. This guy, Steve Kerr, who played with Michael Jordan. Nice. Hey guys, I'm from L.A., long time listener, first time caller, and I'm baller. I recently matched with this girl on Bumble who highlighted in her profile that she played slash was a fan of basketball.

Hey now. We got to talking about the Lakers because that was her favorite team. Hell yeah. Soon after she asked me what team I support and I tell her it's the Houston Rockets to which she responds. Hey, MJ played for the Rockets. So that's pretty cool. Huh. Dot, dot, dot.

What? I don't want to be that guy, but is this grounds for early termination to put it plainly? If I had to make a study guide for basketball category Jeopardy questions, this would have been covered on page one. Am I being a diva or is she just being coy? Big time buckets and goat show and NAD pod fan and Jake congrats on yet another golden Mike streak. Nothing short of a dynasty. When will Amir learn that his irreverent and frankly tacky behavior will continue to net him turkeys? Tota, love, Steve Kerr.

Nice. Cool. Very cool. Thank you, by the way. Yeah, thank you, by the way. Is this grounds? I'm just saying. Yeah, I know.

I know. I know. You gave yourself another fucking award. Let's not even harp on it. I actually didn't give myself an award. That one was given to me by Steve Kerr. Nice. Awesome.

Yeah. So anyway, is this grounds for early termination? I don't think early termination. It's unfortunate that the moment has passed because now you can't go back and correct this. You know? Hmm. I mean, maybe he did. Maybe he's like, no, no, Michael Jordan.

He wouldn't get it. Yeah, he didn't didn't allow it. Did you do you know the two teams Michael Jordan played for? Or do you only know the bulls? I know. I think I know the other one. Didn't he play for the magic after the bulls? He did not.

So this is a good example. He owns the magic. Someone not necessary. Is he a part owner of the magic? That's actually quite enough. Did he have something to do with the magic? He played against magic, Johnson. So maybe that's what you're thinking.

He didn't have anything to do with the Orlando magic. He did not. Okay. That's fair. All right. But basically what I'm saying is casual fans like Jake don't necessarily know the entire filmography of these players. You don't have to Google it.

You absolutely don't have to Google it. I see you typing away. He never had anything to do with the magic. That's quite enough. Oh, I know. I see. Now I see where he went. Yeah.

Good stuff. And another fantasy team instead of the magic, he played for the wizards. Does he have something? Does he own the wizards now? He's a part owner of the Charlotte Hornets. Thank you. Because he's from North Carolina. I see.

And you know, the Rockets did win a championship in the 90s. So maybe that's why her brain got all melded. It was like three Michael Jordan championships. Two Rockets, three more Michael Jordan. So if you're going to confuse Michael Jordan playing for one team, it would probably be Houston. They're also red, same jersey color as the Bulls. Obviously a basketball fan would be like,

how dare you think that Michael Jordan played for the Rockets? But I think this is close enough and confusing enough. And it happened 30 years ago that it's not grounds for expulsion. Or what did he say? Dismissal. Dismissal? I think that's the other thing. Like she might be a current basketball fan.

Like I'm not a basketball fan, but I know more about current basketball than I could possibly know about like 90s and early 2000s basketball. Yeah, if you become a fan now, you don't like now start learning the history of the game. You sort of just like remember what you watched when you started watching. Yeah, those are the things that are locked in your brain. So she might just be a new fan of basketball.

Yeah, although she did say she's a Laker fan. So I assume she's been a Laker fan her whole life. I mean, people who from LA are truly, they bleed purple and gold. Those are real basketball fans. Any other fans of any other franchise, odds are are moved to LA with a vendetta or like a black heart and decided to almost jokingly in a trolling fashion quote root for this cursed franchise that I don't know if they've never made it.

When I like the clip when I like the when I liked the clippers. Did you hit the clippers this much? No, it's all it's a new rivalry for Laker fans. It's it stems from Kawhi choosing them over the Lakers. And then they had this whole like billboard campaign of like LA our way street lights over spotlights. He owns this city. This is the reality now. We're here.

Wow. Yeah, we own LA and then they lost in the Lakers one. And so like this created this like ha ha f you rival Reese style relationship. Now I see. Okay. But when the when you like the clippers, it was like Lobb City and the Lakers were terrible. So we had nothing to hate. It was both teams weren't good at the same time.

Right. All right. Cool. No questions. So yes, I don't think this is quote grounds for early termination. It's fun. You know, she's a basketball fan. You're a basketball fan.

Enjoy it. Yeah, definitely. Especially now that she's a Laker fan and you're a Rockets fan, you're going to have to start rooting for a winning franchise. The Rockets are one of the worst teams in the NBA with really no, no path out of that for the next half decade. What happened there? Because like at one point it was James Harden and Chris Paul Rockets were like favorites to win the championship. And that was like two years ago. That's right.

They traded Chris Paul. What happens? Chris Paul and two first round draft picks kind of mortgaging their future for Russell Westbrook, who was a terrible fit. Then when they got there, Westbrook and Harden were worse than Chris Paul and James Harden. So much so that they had to trade Westbrook for John Wall, who's like this even worse version of Russell Westbrook. And then James Harden became so disgruntled that he requested to leave and they traded Harden. So they went from Chris Paul and James Harden to neither of them. And they got John Wall and a bunch of like pieces that didn't necessarily formulate a basketball team.

Then they wanted the number one pick in the draft. So they purposefully sat players and they lost like 38 of their last 40 games. Jesus. And how high up in the draft are they? They got the second pick. So there you have it. Not even number one. Not quite number one, but hopefully someone who's half as good as one of the players that left two years ago.

But yeah, it happens fast like that. Damn. Alright, let's take a break. Answer some more questions on the other side of these messages. Yeah. All you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office. So if you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it. If you need to sell products online, Stamps.com seamlessly connects with every major marketplace and shopping cart.

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You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time.

Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes.

We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant.

We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. This is how I told my grandma she was pregnant.

Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes.

Let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something.

That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah.

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All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a leather device.

Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Yeah. I vaguely, vaguely I do. I want to encourage people this summer to be out and about. How does that sound? Like not shelter in place, lock down, stay at home, continue the quarantine. Well, I guess when you put it like that, I don't really want to go on record in any

way. Just what I've been doing more is, you know, like I used to either I'm at work or I'm at home and if I left, it was to run an errand and to return to my hole. Like I need lunch. I'm going to go out, pick something up, bring it back, eat in front of my computer. I go, I'm going to get coffee. I like run the errand, bring it right back. Right.

And now just with the nicer weather, I'm sitting outside. I'm sitting in front of the coffee shop. I'm taking my lunch break. I'm eating outside and just really nice things have been happening. I've like run into two or three different friends in the neighborhood. And I think having run-ins, seeing people that you love unexpectedly and catching up for a few minutes is just so much for your mental health. It's really nice.

That's a very New York thing too, because everybody is in a condensed area. I don't know how much I'm running into people if I just, you know, went to Whole Foods and then ate at the table out there. But I mean, I guess it's in play. It is in play. So many people in your neighborhood go to that Whole Foods. I ran into people at Whole Foods just when I was grocery shopping. Yeah.

And then even if you don't run into other people, you're saying just the sheer fact of being outside, getting the sun, getting the vitamin D is, you know. Yeah. It's nice. What are you doing with sunscreen? Are you applying liberally, conservatively, or none of the above? I put on sunscreen every morning before I leave the house. I'm putting SPF 60 on the face.

Yeah. I need to do that too. I mean, I keep hearing how important it is and that I need to do it. And then I just, it's not part of the routine and I don't think about it. Yeah. It's part of my routine now. It hadn't been before. Yeah.

But I've been riding my bike too much. I've been outside too much. It's also insanely hot. You just, I mean, you feel your face burning out here. So. And are you putting it on your hands, arms, legs? Not really. I guess I put a little bit on, I put it on my face.

And if there's some leftover, I rub the excess on the arms. But that's, that has not been a high priority. It's more about face. Is it a face? Is it a moisturizing sunscreen? Or are you making sure that it's good, like specifically face sunscreen? The questions are getting a little invasive about the sunscreen. They're asked and answered.

It's a little much. But if you must know, if you absolutely have to know, it is a moist, it's moisturizing. Yes. Yes, it is. It's a fancy sunscreen. And I think that's actually quite enough on the sunscreen. Is it Cereve? Yes, it is.

Okay. Is it specifically made for your face, I was going to say? Or is it just sunscreen? That's whatever. Put it anywhere you want. It's just, it's face and body. The full kit and caboodle. That's really nice.

And I assume it's not a spray. It's a lotion. I really think we have to move on because this is getting, you're grilling me. I feel like I'm getting, despite the sunscreen, I feel like I'm getting the third degree burn style line of questioning. It's an interrogation and it's not a spray. It's a lotion. It's a cream.

I put it in my hands. I spread it around my hands and I put it on my face and I put the excess on my shoulders and on my arms. And I feel like you're about to ask another question and I don't think you have to. I think you have enough information. That's right. I do have a two for ears and neck. Are they getting lubed up?

I do a little ears. I was going to say. I do a little ears and a little back of the neck. And I think now we've covered. In fact, I know. We've literally covered everything. Not everything. Not everything.

Yes. Yes. You have. You put it on quickly like you don't like the smell and you're like, ugh. Like one of those people. I actually love the smell. Are you like slowly like massaging it in? Yeah.

It's a ritual. I do slowly massage it. I mean, not like sensually and slowly like that. It's not like it's a suntan lotion commercial. But yeah, I like the smell. It smells like lemons. Now we're running out of time. It's even strike me as someone that's not comfortable with the light.

Like you're learning how to do it as an adult. It's not like you're not just like uncomfortable. Like doing it like, oh, this has been like a whole life practice. You're like, oh, I put two. Now we're not even asking a question. You're just you're trying to tease me. You're trying to tease me for some reason. Is this why you mind me for information?

So you could. So you could do this little gimmick. I'm just joking, man. It's funny. It's good. I need to do the same. Yeah, I'm excited that you kind of are speaking to Suncare. That's really important.

That's a turdy. Oh my God. I backed off instantly. I said what you did was good. And then I was ready to move on. It seems like you were hell bent on that award regardless of what I said. You wanted me to keep going. I didn't.

And then at that point, I guess you had made up your mind. It was too late to turn back. Accept the award. Accept the award and move on. If you want to do a quick thank you speech, feel free. What you did was you made a goof of skincare. And I don't think that's healthy. I don't think that's good.

And I actually think it's tacky. I know you do. Oh, here's a question from a 21 year old who much like you're suggesting is going out almost too much. Oh, interesting. What's here? Why don't we call this guy Blackjack because he's 21. Nice.

I'm a 21 year old who just graduated college, writes Blackjack. In my younger years, I have been known to talk to slash hook up with multiple girls at the same time frame slash friends with benefits and booty calls. It's all good and fun. But now I'm 21 and I'm starting to take girls on more dates going out for drinks, barcades, etc. Shout out to the Goat Show. Nice.

My question is this, how many girls is it fine to date at a time? I know it's pretty broad question that will be different for everyone. But I would love your guys perspective and experience when you went through this phase thing. Love the show. And I'm curious every week how Amir earns his 30. So there you go. This time I earned it because I asked too many questions about your sunscreen or some

shit. It doesn't matter. You'll find a way to make it happen basically. You find the way to make it happen. I just dole out the award when it is earned. So congratulations if you want to say thank you. If you want to apologize. Either one.

It's fine with me. Yeah. I don't want to. Neither. I don't. Of course I don't want to say thank you. And I really don't want to say I'm sorry on my own show. Okay.

Let's just see if we can answer the question without coming to blows over this. For me, two is the max. One is normal. And at two, it's fine with me. For me, two is the max. One is normal. And at two, it's a stressful situation. To add a third in this repertoire rotation, that's a little too much.

And it also depends on what phase you're in. Are you full blown dating somebody? Because then at that point one feels like the right amount. Are you just chatting, texting? Because then you can juggle a little more. All it is is an occasional text. Yeah. Or somewhere in between.

Yeah. I mean there's a transition period from when you're like on the apps, you're trying to swipe everybody. You're trying to meet a lot of new people and chat and set up dates and you have like a week with three dates where you're getting drinks with people. That seems normal. But yeah, if you are like dating someone, then it's a little weirder to be dating someone else.

Yeah. It depends on how far along you are. Yeah. I think it's a judgment call that you'll probably feel or should feel. I think even if you don't want to feel it, you'll feel it and you'll feel a little guilty. And that's kind of how you know. Yeah. It's almost like talking to people is like, you know, only one out of 10 in progression.

So you can like do that with 10 people. But like once you get to like the seven out of 10, you never want to go over 10 out of 10. That's a dangerous overflow. Yeah. And you have to take into account what the expectation of the person you're there are the people that you're dating is. If you're dating somebody that seems like they're really into you and they're like wanting to

see you more and more and go exclusive and make you their boyfriend or make you their boyfriend, then yeah, it's like you probably shouldn't be dating multiple people at that time. You have to, you have to temper someone's expectations. So you have to like kind of be upfront with people if you're going to do that. Yeah. And then once you're like married, like you are, you're definitely not like married to anybody else.

No way, right? I'm not. I have a secret family, but my wife in that family left me. She has a new man. Yeah. I'm sorry about that. In New York, you can meet a new man. In New York, you can meet a new man.

Yeah. So I have a secret son, secret ex, secret ex's new guy, and then his kids. So I have secret step kids that are really like my kids because of the amount that I have to babysit those kids. And then, and then of course Jill has her flings, her side piece, her main dude. That's not you. And then her main dude is not you. I'm more of the secret side piece.

And we only really talk these days on her Instagram. Fucking convoluted, messed up situation. That sounds really unhealthy. It's going to blow up. It's toxic. It's toxic. It's the first to admit that it's toxic because I fucking, no, I see her. I see her on Maine, on Instagram, Maine, out in Maine with Tucker, with Travis, with Travis's

niece, with, with Tucker's nephew. Yeah. They take, they take trips with their kids and their siblings' kids and it looks nice. So I just have to slide into the DM on the finsta on the low and see what's Gucci. And it's not always. These aren't always Gucci when I do that. Cause I can ruin a vacation by just asking something as innocuous as what's up. And that's on me.

So I have to talk to Sheila, my ex, who's with her new man, doesn't want to hear from me. And I end up, hold on, and I end up babysitting. That's what I'm saying. Cause I have a kid with Sheila. But then she has her new man, as I mentioned, has two kids. How many? Yeah. How many is too many?

So for me, I said two is maximum. Three is too many. You clearly are operating in a different universe. So for you. I have two, but between them, they have three, four. If you count me, which Jill doesn't, Sheila also, I was going to say also doesn't. Doesn't. Yes.

Unless you count me as a babysitter. Cause I am watching our son and the two others on the day. Yeah. Got it. Okay. So yeah, two different options. As long as you're being honest and open with everybody, it shouldn't be an issue. Expectation set.

That's big. You got to expectation set. Yeah. And you don't want to feel overwhelmed yourself either. Blindside any of these people. Okay. Like one more time and answer more questions after these massages. This show is sponsored by better help.

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And just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. We got a question that's not necessarily in our wheelhouse, but it was written in such a humorous way that I thought it would be funny to read it at least. Wow. All right, by all means. It's like the opposite inverse of the last question writer who's this lady is a 21 year

old female. So we'll call her black Jacqueline. Nice. Black Jacqueline writes. Long time listener. I'm 21. I'm a gal that likes gals and I want your advice on how to get chicks. I've been with a few and my number is not impressive, but is to be respected.

While I realize asking two guys on the internet how to get a girl is odd. Jake is a pimp and a cool. Thank you. I'm bi, so lesbians don't really give me the time of day. And when I'm with other bi girls, they always top. What do I do? I want slash need this. I like them thicker than a snicker.

So sure, our size difference makes them think they should be on top, but they need to know I'm top dog. Woof. I'm vaxxed, waxed and ready to get some ass. I live in LA, so I thought I'd be drowning and pussy. Again, I'm just reading this. I would never say this crap word out loud. Yes, you would.

She continues a gold mine, gentlemen. Then again, she says, and I am only reading. I don't mean any of these things, but a thick clit for this wet slit makes me hop into bed in a minute. I suppose my question is, how do I get more girls to sleep with me and let me be on top, but beyond blast as much as you want. But remember to give me advice to the fan for life. Love black Jacqueline. And I will say this is the most recent question we got.

So this is like super top goal. She emailed yesterday. Whoa, whoa. I love the reference of roast me as much as you want, but don't forget to give advice. I remember trying to remind us. Okay. I mean, first of all, download Orion, right? Yeah, dating apps are a great way to meet people who do want to date and the expectations are built into the profile, including on ours.

Yeah. I mean, you download Orion, make one of your profiles, one of your profile images. This email that you wrote, I feel like you're going to meet some people that can appreciate your sense of humor at the very least. Yeah. You put that entire email in your bio and you should be good to go. And I, and just like I said, I think you got to be out and about. If you're, if you're vaxxed, if you're feeling ready, then hit the scene. And I mean, we had, we had spots that we like to go.

Are they still doing booty LA? They should be. I mean, I don't know if it's fully back yet, but things are starting to reopen. If indoor sweaty dance clubs are not open, they will be soon. Yeah. And until then, just see what's, what's popping like outside in a, in a park at events. An outdoor rave. It's weird to be out there in the beginning, but it's going to feel better and better.

And I think like even pandemic aside, it's always like weird to put yourself out there and like get drinks and try to meet new people. But once you do, you will never, ever regret it. Have you done the indoor sweaty dance club since you've been back? Since New York has been vaxxed. I guess. I mean, not like sweaty dance club, but that wasn't, I've been to like two crowded bars now. Like, okay, that's a start. Yeah.

Yeah. Um, I even, yeah, like a couple actually, um, probably like two or three bars where went inside, no mask, order at the counter. Um, wait in a line for the bathroom. You know, give a shit. Classic old school style. Yeah. Yeah. But not, not sweaty, crowded, can't move constantly touching, rubbing elbows against people.

I mean, near enough to like, I think it was last week, I was, the bar that I was at was like pretty crowded. And, um, some dude was like getting past me and he put his hand on my back and it was just such an insane, unfamiliar feel. You know, we used to be at a bar. It was crowded. It's like you're constantly just like sort of like lightly brushing people aside to get through. Like the idea of a stranger's hand on my back, just like brushing past me. I was like, whoa. But then, then as it happened, I was like, oh, this is really nice contact.

Smelling somebody else's B.O. Knowing that you're within viral load distance. It was great. And like also just like not having, I feel like even I've been inside at restaurants and stuff like, or gone up to the bar to order a drink and take it outside or something. Um, all with a mask. But now like the bartenders weren't wearing masks, just like standing at the bar waiting for a drink. Bartender's not. No.

And nobody's sitting at the bars in a mask and I'm just like, uh, smiling at people sitting at the bar. It's, it's really nice. It's like, Damn. Making human connections again. That's, it's all part of your, um, unsolicited advice, seeing people again. Do you find yourself drained socially or you're energized by it? Um, I'm, I think right.

I think I'm energized by it. I like, I get energy from seeing close friends, uh, drained from making small talk and seeing like acquaintances and stuff. But yeah, in general, I'm, I'm pretty happy. And the nights are still ending earlier. They're ending at like two or two 30 and where they used to be like four or five. So it seems like a nicer. Yeah. Two 30 still feels very late for me.

Yeah. Well, you're going to get, you're going to come back. Are you, have you been to a bar? I've been to a restaurants. Inside restaurant? Yeah. Indoor restaurants that like have drinks, but I haven't been to a bar just to go to a bar. Is that like, is that on the horizon?

You think you're going to do that anytime? I don't know. I have no plans to, I have, what I've been going to more often is like, uh, people are, anybody born in May, June or July is like, Oh, we're having a birthday party. You're coming over. We're having a social event. So like every weekend it feels like the bar mitzvah circuit again. It's like, we have a party at 10 and then one at four and then one at 10.

Yeah. That's good shit. Yeah. So that social events are back. I haven't been necessarily to a, like house parties. Yes. Exactly.

House parties. Apartment parties. Nice. That's good. That's all. Yeah. It's a start. All right.

That's it. Thanks for questions and theme songs. You can send them all down to if I were you show at gmail.com. And as always, we are doing weekly videos on our Patreon still, patreon.com. That's right. Uh, you're coming to LA soon for the first time in a year and a half. We might be able to record one of these in person. Yeah.

I'm about to book my ticket actually. July 14th. I will be there. Bastille Day. Uh, yeah. Why do you think I'm coming? No. Yeah.

I love to celebrate, celebrate Bastille Day in, uh, in LA. How are you? A, A, O, A, O, A, O, A, O. Oh, the band Bastille. Yeah. What is it? What's the French holiday about the storming of the Bastille? Um, yeah, it has nothing to do with it.

The walls come tumbling down in the city. Yeah. Yeah. Bastille Day. I will be there in LA blasting between from my pickup truck. Yeah. What's that? Does that mean you're coming, you're going to be in LA for your birthday?

Because if you're coming on July 14th and I'm going to make you do a mandatory two week like a hotel quarantine situation, that means I won't see you until the 29th. And then we might be able to shoot that week, which would bring us to August 5th, 6th, 7th. I mean, even then, even if I were to do that 14 day mandatory, uh, quarantine, which is not mandatory, it's not mandated by anybody except for you and you have no power over me. You couldn't make me do that. Even if that all happened, which it won't, July 29th, I would still only stay for a couple

of days. I wouldn't be there on my birthday. I'll be spending that with my ex-wife and my son, Jillian, and her side piece and her main dude. Yeah. No, I get that. Um, okay. So you're not going to need this.

I got you a hotel, uh, near the LAX, Sheraton LAX. Right. I wouldn't need, uh, two weeks in an airport motel that you got me. That is a waste of your cash and a waste of my time, though I can't imagine it's that expensive because nobody wants to stay near LAX. Um, yeah. That actually- Daily testing starts-

It's not even- Pretty pricey. What you did isn't even thoughtful. I got you 25 rapid COVID tests. Each one costs $59 from an Abbott lab. You spent a ton of money. I took resources from a school. They were testing teachers with these lab kits.

They needed that. They needed that. Not me. Not me. I've been vaccinated. I bought it. Holes. Okay.

All right. Yeah. That makes sense. Um, how many vaxes? Just two then? How many vaxes did I get? Yeah. The two shots.

Just the two. Yeah. The two shots. Another- Another booster. I am not doing anything- I need to get the JNJ. You need.

I'm not doing anything you need. Okay. That's not how I live my life, by your needs. Would it be? No. I guess not. So what I did was I ended up getting all of the above. That way, every little article that says, like, Pfizer does this, Moderna does that.

Johnson and Johnson. I'm like, check, check, check. You also got the AstraZeneca. You got the AstraZeneca. I moved to London. Yes. Yes. That's right.

And I'm eating well. I'm eating healthy for that. So I have natural immunity to boot. And did I mention I've gotten COVID thrice? That's four times. That's not bad. That's not bad. And rice.

All right. All right. I already said where you can email the opening theme song was that April, come, she will. This closing one is by our old friend, Don Keanian. Yes. Who made a Hugo style song for us. Oh my God. Yeah.

So enjoy this Don Keanian rendition of Hugo style. Any word on if I can come back as Hugo for another D&D podcast? Yeah. We were talking about having you on a holiday special. So come Christmas. We'd love to have you back. Well, there's a bunch of holidays coming up. Yeah.

Hugo themed fourth of July. I think that spacing Hugo out once every other year feels good to me. Yeah. Hugo is a lot to be around. Hugo is, sir. I is. Both of you guys. Yeah.

All right. I bet. I bet. Yeah. I bet. All right. I'll see you. Hugo hit different.

Hugo is a problem. Hugo's style. Hugo's style. Hugo is rich. Hugo is into it. And Hugo is justice. I'm a slippery little Hugo. Hugo's style.

Hugo's style. Hugo is rich. Hugo is into it. And Hugo is the death of countless others. A slippery little Hugo.