If I Were You - 497: LA Trip

Episode Date: July 20, 2021

In this episode we discuss Jake's trip, Amir's disgusting morning, and shooting videos again!Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. You live your life where all jacoes And they're happy when Ben's not there And the Marty likes the kind of control And Ryder Hanks spas lost her hair Wow Yeah, that was only half of it So I figured we would play half of it now because it's jam-packed full of references and it's not a theme song

It's a real song basically Wow The second half at the end of the episode, but that was Alex Southy, a musician from Toronto, who's always been a fan, obviously Of course And he thinks both of us will recognize the song from the late 90s, so it could have been a high school or university favorite It's Massey's Star Fade Into You Interesting I don't know that I did recognize it

I thought it sounded like Radiohead or something Like fake plastic trees, is that Radiohead? I don't know, I was not into, I mean, it's been clearly established that I was not into like cool music when I was in high school I mean, it was cool to me It's actually aged really well over time Of course What? Dude Ranch

Cheshire Cat much? Yeah They also like Dave, he was pretty slow Dave Matthews? Yeah I don't think Ant's Marching is a very slow song, it's actually a major pick-me-up song What would you say? Yeah, pretty amp, Dancing Nancy's, Tripping Billy's

I mean, come on, dude, I don't know what you're talking about Did you like Blank and Dave at the same time? Yeah, yeah, I guess I did I guess I contained multitudes that year Yeah Alright, we're recording this kind of live, it's gonna be Monday morning and released Monday, slightly afternoon So recording this on Monday, July 19th, you're in LA all week and long That's right

We saw each other for the first time in a year and a half Does seeing me on Zoom feel different now having seen me as recently as the day before yesterday? No, I guess it feels kind of similar And it's weird because since we do Zoom literally every day for a year and a half It didn't feel like I hadn't seen you for that long Yeah, that's kind of true It was like, it was fake reunion because I still, I saw you just as much as I did when you lived here I just hadn't like physically seen you, so it was kind of bizarre

It was, I mean, it was a lot for me, it was intense I think it was like a little surreal to see you in the flesh, but because we've seen each other so much And because we've talked so much and we've been friends for so long, it like, the adjustment was pretty quick Like by that afternoon it felt normal But everybody, like seeing the rest of the office, that like didn't wear off Right, you saw our new headgum space Right, you saw our new headgum space for the first time, which was kind of cool Saw the new headgum space, met like five new people that we hired

That I've seen on Zoom but never in person, so that was wild Yeah Was anybody taller or shorter than you thought? I knew I grew a few inches this choir Was that kind of weird to you see? It was weird, but I mean, I knew that you had gotten the shin lengthening surgery It was natural, what are you talking about? I'm 6'3 now and I had a weird month where I was sort of better at it

But yeah, it's kind of cool to be like the Fremo Haido now Danny's tall, Danny's taller than I thought it was going to be Yeah, Danny's a natural 6'3 A natural actual 6'3 A legit, yeah And I should say we also shot some stuff in LA for the first time in years and years and years That's right, yeah The last video we shot together was the Trump video in 2016

And we made a COVID list video in early 2020 But I wouldn't even consider that a jake and a mirror because we were also low-key depressed Right, so that didn't count because we were sad that year Yeah, and we filmed it by myself on an iPhone So it felt sort of like going through the motions Anyway, yeah, how did you feel about shooting a jake and a mirror? It was, I don't know, again, it felt like I've done it so many times that I didn't have to get into character It seems like it's written in such a way that I'm forced to be that person

So I feel like I was able to slide back into what the a mirror character was Yeah, it feels like we've been, I mean, we do basically in character-esque bits on the podcast all the time We had the headgun videos where sometimes I was insane and sometimes you were insane So we kept the characters We knew that, we had the cadence The most comfortable thing for me was writing a jake and a mirror When I wrote a quick cut one before I came out and it just flowed out of me It was exactly like putting on an old pair of shoes and just comfortable, easy, no problem

Right, so hopefully the audience agrees because they might see it like, whoa, this is way worse I don't know what they were thinking Yeah, they'll think we lost a step, but the reality is I think it's the same And the old videos were all so bad if you don't like them now You've changed, you've changed, not me You've grown, that's right This is not, like when people didn't like Blink 182's self-titled newest album But then a couple of years later, all of a sudden I'm feeling this is like a classic Blink song

And that's not how people felt Drake has a lyric where he says, I come out with a classic and years later people say it's a sleeper Like they don't like the new shit till it becomes the new shit You don't have to get defensive yet I'm just discussing what it is to be an artist I'm talking about it for Drake, I'm different Our fans are different, our fans are cooler By the way, if you want to support this endeavor, you can subscribe to our Patreon

Because that's what we're using to fund the operation We don't know Not that it's our IP, we sort of have to make it ourselves, which is a little more complicated We should talk about how the first day we get there and we don't have any of the equipment we need to actually shoot You know, we never ever took our producers for granted But we definitely didn't have any idea how to do it ourselves We showed up and the Zoom didn't work, we couldn't record the audio We didn't have batteries for it, we had to walk to the store to get the batteries

You forgot the tripod, we were balancing on a shelf We finally got it going, we didn't have the SD card, the labs were cutting out By the time we were so quick when we shoot, we were able to shoot the video in less than an hour And it took us two hours to get the frame ready to call action We're shaking the rust off, we're getting the kinks out I think that the more we do it, the more practice we have, the better it's going to be Yeah, so we shot three episodes hoping to edit and release soon enough And we used to write, shoot, edit

And now we have to do that, but also the fourth thing which is produce And that's the one that we're not quite used to But that's the thing that hopefully the audience doesn't realize or notice as much And we tried to step it up even within these three Don't judge them as individually quite yet, this is a grand work of art we're sort of building towards And when you watch them and if you don't think they're funny or the acting is good or the shots look good At least know that it's impressive that they exist because we produced them Yeah, I can't stress that enough

We're EPs now and also line P's now So we'll like pay people and also show up with a tripod if necessary Yeah, that being said I did forget to bring the tripod You forgot to bring the tripod, but you know we used to just roll up to the office Crew call was like two hours before us, we would walk in, the shots were set up, they were like sit in Are you guys ready, we'd roll We opened the gate for the crews this time That's being an EP

And shout out to Jeffrey who did all the audio, the dumbass himself And Avi who shot the things and made it look great Hopefully you guys see those soon Can't wait Alright, I'm, I should say this is If I Were You, an advice podcast The only one on the web hosted by us, I'm Amir Correct, I'm Jake And I am shirtless at 10.30 am recording, I usually have a shirt when we record

Yeah, I'm curious because I said no shirt and then you said it's been a day Yeah, so here's what my 8 to 10.30 was like Oh my god So two and a half hours You wake up at 8 Wake up at 8, nice normal time, go to grab a banana and I see On my kitchen floor, there's some ants No big deal, I've been there before

I can handle ants, it's kind of gross that there's ants, but that's what happens in LA They're warm, they find food, they sneak into your house through every corner and crevice, any nook and cranny Then I take a closer look and it's not quite just ants My kitchen has a sliding door that opens up to the outside It's not just quite ants, there's, it seems to be a party of ants and It looks like little pieces of rice and I'm like, huh, that's not okay My dog starts sniffing it, I start getting closer and I'll sort of send you what I took a picture of and I saw Which was ants sort of eating and I sort of, it creeps me out even now to say this word

But maggots, there were dozens and dozens, is it larvae, is it maggots? It's fly eggs that hatched into these creepy crawly worms that are on the ground So they're crawling, I don't know if I need to see it Yeah, I'm sending it to you And so Ew And they're all surrounding and eating the maggots, basically how you would design something I'm deleting these right now

Yes, so you don't even want to see the photo, imagine having that on your floor I don't even know what to begin to do, there's hundreds of ants and dozens of maggots So I have to be like, okay, take a beat, get grossed out and then wonder what happens now Do I call someone, do I vacuum them up, do I wash them out, do I spray them, do I use a dustpan and a broom I've never dealt with this specific issue before, they're little worms surrounded by ants that have crawled into my kitchen So the source of it even, I don't even know what these things are So I text a group thread of people who have owned a house longer than me and I'm like, alright Has anyone dealt with this situation, what are these things, how did they get in?

That's nice, I like a group thread versus going to the internet Yeah, group thread had some insight My friend Ofer, who's very knowledgeable about the matter, homeowner and also is a very handyman Has chickens and compost and knows about this whole ecosystem Right away he diagnoses it, these are fly eggs, a fly, just like a little fly, you know, the kind that buzzes around your kitchen Can lay hundreds of eggs that turn into these in 7 to 20 hours So fast These will become flies somehow, I don't know how because ants are eating them alive

And he's like, just try to get them out of your house because they'll soon become flies Alright, try to get them out of my house, I put the dog back into the bedroom to keep him from eating these You just tell them to go, very forcefully Yeah, I sort of use a stern tone, at first I tried to use, with ants you could just use a wet paper towel and clean it like dust But these things are too thick, it's not quite ant level Going like this is like smushing rice into the ground, it doesn't do anything I lift up a fucking, you know, like when you stand over on the sink, or when you're at the sink there's a little carpet A carpet, a rug, a little rug, I have a few of them in my kitchen, turn those over

Oh, you better believe there's dozens underneath each fucking rug, it's starting to spread And at this point the ants are crawling on me, and I'm feeling it, I'm feeling this fucking history And you don't like ants at all You're grossed out No, I don't like ants, don't like ants, and I especially don't like the worms At this point Avi Tal is there in the kitchen commiserating with me She definitely doesn't want to like start sweeping, touching, squishing, crawling, these creepy crawly loser fucks So I'm like feeling them all over my body and I'm like shaking, I'm like oh this is so fucking gross

It's really hot, I'm starting to sweat So what I decide to do is use, I have a broom and a dustpan outside So I'm like fucking just shoveling them like it's spilled quinoa or orzo into a dustpan Dozens out of time, but like, you know, they're still alive so in the dustpan they're crawling They're crawling Yes, so I'm doing that over and over flipping them outside, doing that over and over flipping them outside Looking under another carpet, more of them, I'm like holy shit How did this happen?

I have to burn my house down, I don't know, last night there were none There's hundreds I move up every carpet, at a certain point they're no longer under the carpet So I guess they all contained in the kitchen carpets I take all the carpets outside, shake them out, take all the creepy crawlies, throw them out Spray the floor down, clean the floor, vacuum as the last thing And at this point it's like 10 a.m. I've done this for two hours trying to like de-sanitize Resanitize my entire kitchen

God I think they're gone, but like I guess there's also a chance, I mean I don't even know where I didn't find the origin, I didn't see like okay this is the home base You gotta do a deep clean, you have to empty out your cabinets But none of them are in the cabinets, they're all on the floor in the kitchen under the carpets And I took all the carpets out and I cleaned the floor I guess I'll see if they're back in an hour or two, but as far as I can see, they're all gone for now But I don't know how they got there, like a fly died underneath the carpet and laid 300 eggs and came back

I think you gotta do a deep clean, because they're in the cabinets They're waiting in the wings for shit like that to happen Yeah, I've had like I've had fruit flies before And like you know you put the fruit out and the flies eventually leave And I've had some flies stragglers come in But I don't know what the where I didn't like see the epicenter of these things Like I don't know what to set on fire and destroy It might be a mattress

It might be inside you It's there a world where a fly fucking laid its eggs in your nose And you sneezed all this out last night God the fucking nightmare Just ants carrying maggots Like what's grosser than that? It's the big two of gross I guess if there was like a dead mouse that they were all living in in my bedroom it could be worse But this is almost as gross as it gets

Ay ay ay is right I mean that's just one of the classic fun parts about owning a house You don't you don't get to call somebody to deal with it It's all just UV mags and it's like who flinches first And it was me I remember one of the one of the grosser things when I first got my place in LA was Like up where I was living there was like coyotes, you know I said it's over like two

But one day I woke up and there was like There was some kind of like There was some kind of like rodent or Some like some coyote food was dead in my courtyard And I Like an exposed raccoon Yeah, right Oh, yeah, maybe that's what it was a raccoon

I know it wasn't a skunk because it wasn't that gross But it's like a prairie dog. I don't even know It just it was bigger than a squirrel And I was like Roadkill basically Total and if in the middle of my courtyard half devoured by coyotes And it smelled awful Jill was very upset and like I

There's nothing like with that It's just like one it wasn't even a problem It was just like one thing I had to get over Like find a way to put this thing into a garbage And I went down into the shed and I got a shovel Yeah, you need like a rake or something long and sharp Yeah, you're not gonna like this story I went to shovel it and it opened up and it like exploded into maggots

Oh god, so I wonder if that's the origin of this one Yeah, I mean flies just basically lay eggs and things I just don't know what they laid eggs in I hope there's not a an open exposed raccoon There wasn't any in my trash either I took my trash cans out too and fucking Hosed and sprayed them down, I have no idea Oh, all right, good, good

The good news is I think my kitchen is cleaner now than it has been for a while Because I sprayed and bleached and vacuumed and everything Wow, good on you, that's really nice I had a similar thing, I mean we're just doing story time now But recently we heard a bang and there was a little dead birdie Right outside of our house, like he tried to fly in, hit the window And it was just like a dead fucking bird Like that's an annoying thing to try to get rid of

It's like, is this gonna wake up? Is he startled? Am I trying to like now like Shoe him into like a garbage bag? Yeah Very gross and sad How'd you pick up the bird? I used a broom and sort of brushed him into an open garbage can But I was very scared the entire time that I would just be like

All right, let me get out of here and start flying towards me I was ready to be startled and it never happened Birds are nice I guess something is kind of trying to Final Fantasy Is that what it's called when like random bad shit happens to you? Is that Final Fantasy? Final Fantasy, I don't think Resident Evil? No, it's like that, it's not Final Fantasy, that's a video game

It's like that movie series where like, you know, you go on a roller coaster And like something bad happens Oh, Final Destination Yeah, finally, so then it's trying to Final Destination Warn me to leave my house Last week a bird died in my kitchen and now there's fucking maggots and ants everywhere There's something cursed in here You're gonna come to New York, your house is gonna blow up

Because there's a carbon monoxide That's what's gonna happen Death is after you At least the maggots will be gone once my house blows up All right, let's take a break and actually answer some questions Now that we've talked about your trip, shooting videos And of course, maggots, the big three Oh yeah

And shopping cart Running a business isn't cheap So Stamps.com has huge carrier discounts We're talking up to 84% off USPS and UPS rates Holy smokes And for 25 years, Stamps.com has been indispensable for over 1 million businesses So if 1 million businesses can trust Stamps.com Certainly you can too

Set your business up for success with Stamps.com today To sign up with promo code IfIWereYou for a special offer that includes a four-week trial Plus free postage and a free digital scale Wow, no long-term commitments or contracts Just go to Stamps.com You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code IfIWereYou And that gets you a free four-week trial, free postage, and a digital scale That sounds pretty good

Thank you Stamps.com for sponsoring this show Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgun podcast You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode But the entire headgun network, Jake Wow That's correct I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift I think it actually is

Yeah Yeah, not just Father's Day But if for any not-so-tech, savvy family member That you need a gift for soon Mm-hmm These digital photo frames might be the best of all time Yeah, for me personally, these things are perfect Anyway, as you know, I am expecting my first child

We got one for Jill's parents Oh, wow We got one for Jill's grandma Holy smokes We got one for my parents So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now But they're great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen

It's really nice Oh, that's cool So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby And then it goes to their digital photo Yeah, frame This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant We got her the aura frame We plugged it in

Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife And you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit Like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant Yeah Kind of like she misheard it or something like that

Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant Oh, my God Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant, it's pretty cool And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes And we let her know with an aura Yeah

Thank you The aura announcement So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere And invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app Add me to your aura app, I'd love to upload just a picture of me Like at a pool or something, that could be funny Yeah Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter

Yeah Yeah, exactly You can even preload photos and add a personal video message That will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame Yeah, it's a great gift A really, really iconic gift And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift And visit auraframes, that's A-U-R-A

Frames.com And our listeners can use code HEADGUM To get up to $30 off plus free shipping On the best selling frames There it is Oh wow, this is timely, the deal ends on June 18th So don't wait, terms and conditions apply, that's A-U-R-A Frames.com

Okay, go get your parents something, alright And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off Plus free shipping Right on Thank you, aura And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to And we're back Alright, check it again, it's still seemingly clean over there

Nice There we go 30 minutes in I am, like, you know when you're sort of sweaty So you take your shirt off, but then it's like air conditioned So now I just feel freezing Yeah, so I'm like, have completely transformed to a cold naked van As I record this episode

God, what a low point for you And on a Monday too Yeah, classic hashtag Mondays, am I right? Starting off the week wrong Alright, we tweeted from our Jake and Amir Twitter account That's right For some lightning round cues to A Hell yeah, people came through

I like this question from Mo Money Mo Problems Dark Foods Poppy Tweets Wow, that's a good question I wanted to answer it because I think it's me Well, what would your food be? Annie's macaroni and cheese Okay

And I could genuinely never stop eating it The only reason I ever stop is because there isn't more Yeah I guess that sounds like a good video Because there has to be a theoretical point where you start feeling so sick And I guess you've never been there, right? No, I've definitely taken down two boxes solo Yeah

There have been times where I ate a box of Annie's alongside McDonald's French fries and a chicken sandwich That's big That's a lot Mine would probably be French fries Or if I really wanted to take this seriously, watermelon Because watermelon is very big and I can eat it without getting filled up with oil and salt It would just be sweet water

I guess if we did it strategically like that Where you're eating watermelon and I'm eating Annie's It feels like by volume you'd have to win Yeah But I think back at the old college humor office Do you remember a bet where somebody said I bet you can't eat three pounds of food from the deli hot bar?

And I think it was Zach Klein who ended up just buying three pounds of watermelon And eating it fairly easily You like beat the system Because a lot of it is just water He's a smart guy He's very intelligent I don't think anybody ate like three pounds of like turkey meatloaf and mashed potatoes Kevin Corrigan did

That's correct What is your preferred amount of time to wait between watching TV episodes? Like So what was the last show you binged and did you do nightly or do you prefer like Let's take a few days off and come back Jilla and I got really into this show called What was it called? What was it called?

Oh, Halton Catch Fire Yeah, you've already talked about this show I know Okay So I think that like I'm not like the kind of like binger like Let's stay up late and keep on watching

Like Yeah I think I want to go to bed by I want to start getting ready for bed by 11 So like usually two But I like a back to back But

Yeah Like back to back and then the next night That's kind of like a vibe I prefer like the live succession cadence of like Awesome episode Let's wait a week I don't have the like I need to wait and then fucking watch six in a night Like that

It takes it away from me a little bit You become numb to the story and like the excitement I guess That's true But I think a back to back and then you could wait a couple days I feel like it's nice It's just really nice to get that like that second at a boy That like second dopamine hit

Like you have a great sandwich and you finish one half And you still have the other one ready to go I like that feeling a lot Yeah But you also you have sports is the thing And I do too and I like that But it makes watching TV a lot easier Because you're not like constantly looking for something new

It's like when I like something I'm like Great I'll watch two episodes of Halt and Catch Fire And tomorrow it's game four of this playoff series that I'm invested in Right And on the weekend I'm watching football and it's And I think that's football in the worldly sense Not American football which I am actually out on Really?

Yeah I am not into it Last year I only watched the What's the big one called? The Super Bowl What's the big one called? I almost called the Super Bowl How dare you? Yeah, no I only watched the Super Bowl

I don't think I watched the playoffs Jesus Yeah, I always talk to like friends of mine who don't watch any sports at all Like good friends of mine have not watched a single football basketball Like don't know anything And they just like yeah they need to have Like from eight to midnight they're watching something else and it's like They watch so much like Netflix

I'm like how do you have time to watch all these like random shows It's like well I watch five hours of sports a day They watch five hours of a movie or a TV show that I've never heard of And so it all adds up to the same amount of time What do you do when basketball is not on? You watch American football? Yeah, but in between basketball and football there's a few months of just like Not knowing what to do

I can't even tell you what I do at night Wow And then during the pandemic there was like no sports for like four months straight That was a real low point Yeah, I'm got a good sports clip going now I guess soccer is gone The worldly soccer The worldly football I mean

But I'm into a formula one I'm watching the Grand Prix every Sunday now Wow, maybe I can do that That'll fill up one morning But then do I really need more? Shouldn't I just like purposefully avoid it so I don't watch more sports? I guess so, but sports, I think sports are a really beautiful thing It's like human drama that's like unfolding

Oh, the Olympics are coming up That'll be a great two weeks of non-basketball, non-football sporting event Yeah, and they've got basketball Are all of the basketball players I saw Kevin loves not participating because of the fucked up nature of them forcing the athletes to do it, etc I thought he was just injured and old Maybe that's it Are all of the NBA stars going to be on the team?

No, a bunch of them don't want to go LeBron said he was kind of old and he's already won three gold medals so he doesn't need to do it again Chris Paul, same, needs to recover Anthony Davis also won, doesn't need to play James Hardin was going to play, didn't play The one player that didn't need to play and is there anyways, Kevin Durant Yeah, I'll go to Tokyo and keep playing basketball Are you sure? You had a long season, he's like, I got nothing to do

I'll go to fucking Japan That's awesome It's Kevin Durant and a few others and then three people who are playing in the finals So Devin Booker, Drew Holiday and Chris Middleton are all on the Olympic team If this series goes to seven, it's like game seven is on Thursday of this week And then like the Olympics begins three days later in Tokyo That's insane They all have to battle each other, then take a private jet together maybe across the world

And then start playing again together in a few days with a group of strangers that they've never played with before That's bonkers I mean it's the Olympics so even though, like they always win handily, but it's still hard Not always, yeah, they used to, yeah They used to always win handily and then more and more of the stars were like, we don't need to play And then it's like they started losing again, like in 2000 or 2004 They either didn't medal or finished in third or something Because the world caught up, the US got worse and then there was the redeemed team in 2008

Where like Kobe, LeBron, Dwayne Wade, they all were like, alright let's go back and win a gold medal And then they did and then I think they did again in 2012 as well I see, I see Wow USA is like losing to these teams because like you look at like a team like Slovenia They have like Luka Dončić and like four other like really good players that practice together and play together They're a lot better than like this random poo poo platter of not even all stars that the USA is trotting out So it's gonna be a lot more interesting

Great, I'm excited Alright, here's the question, what's your least favorite animal, asked Julia Barnfield I guess mine's a tie between ants and maggots I think Although it's maggot an animal or is it like a, should I just say flies Because that's what they somehow turn into Yeah, I mean that's pretty, that is definitely bad I think that I probably, I mean mine is cockroaches I fucking hate those like fucking huge water bugs

Oh yeah Which I think are different than cockroaches, I don't like cockroaches either But I think water bugs is the thing that I really hate Can't You ever catch one in a glue trap? I've never laid out a glue trap, I've seen them caught in glue traps Would you be able to lift up a glue trap? I saw, I was looking at, I was in the basement and there was a huge cockroach in a glue trap

And I somehow wasn't deterred Would you be able to lift up a glue trap with a one or two cockroaches stuck on it and throw it away? Yeah, but I would be worried about it I would, can I put it, can I wrap it around like a paper towel or a cloth? That's probably what I would want to do You could use a cloth but not a paper towel Great, as long as I don't have to see them as I'm like, my fear would be like you with the bird Like I pick up the glue trap and then somehow it like

It grabs your wrist And yeah, digs a claw into my arm, crawls into my skin That's what I'd like to avoid ideally Yeah, and then at a certain point you'd become much like Kafka's metamorphosis A cockroach yourself That's right Just like Men in Black, Vincent De Noprio's role Tra-la-la-la

Tra-la-la-la Yeah, right, exactly What's Amir's best basketball card? Asks Shifty Amelie What's Amir's best basketball card? I believe it's a jaw-marant dunk Is it not? Wow, that's the right answer for my NBA Top Shot

My best digital NFT basketball card But he's asking about my best physical basketball card Oh, I see I mean, it's gotta be the one you gave me The goat Yeah, LeBron LeBron, yeah It's not

Okay It's obviously not, that's why I gave it What's your best one? It's a tie between a LeBron rookie that I went in with with two other friends Because it was too expensive And this Chris Paul rookie card that I got Which was a rare one of 399 So I'm hoping it wins the championship a little bit

That's a tie between Chris Paul and the LeBron rookie I thought you wanted the Bucks I do kind of, because I also bet on the Bucks to win the championship a month ago I see So I got it from both sides If the Suns win, then it's good for my card If the Bucks win, it's good for my bet But I do find myself rooting for Yanis more than Chris Paul

Chris Paul is kind of a dickling in Yanis It's like this really sweet, humble superstar Right, cool Did you watch the game on Saturday? Yeah, I had a great Saturday night Because I went out on Friday night I was kind of hungover And I just ordered food from my old favorite hangover spot in LA

And I watched it in my hotel room I sat in a globe, ate a cheese steak, watched the game It was awesome Yeah, God, the ending was historically amazing That comeback and then the steal to the LAO I missed it, but it sounded great You missed the LAO? I watched the first three quarters and then the highlights later

Wow Yeah, you missed the best parts Let's take another break And I want to ask you about that Friday night Where you raged harder than you have in years This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Thank you, BetterHelp If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation

Talking to a professional licensed therapist Is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist Especially one in your area But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy Designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge

It's incredibly helpful Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years So give therapy a try It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life I've tried therapy, it's been very helpful So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp All you gotta do is go to betterhelp.com If I were you, you do that today

You can get 10% off your first month So the prices are already affordable Because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere That you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room This is done entirely online But you're still getting professional licensed help And it's extra affordable That's betterhelp.com

If I were you Check them out Thanks, BetterHelp Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show Wow, for years and years and years We've been ranting and raving about Squarespace Because it's the best way for dummies like me And potentially you

That don't necessarily know how to code or design To create a professional looking website So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one Or you wanna sell stuff online You can do an online store They have 24-7 live customer support Email campaigns, data You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace

For example, I didn't even look this up But there's no way you can't buy Amir Blumenfeld is a gooddude.com I bet that's available And you can have it today And you can buy it through Squarespace And build an awesome website dedicated to me Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life

And maybe you wanna give somebody a gift this season A summer birthday coming up Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that Is to go to squarespace.com Slash if I were you for a free trial And when you're ready to launch Just use that offer code

If I were you to save 10% Off your first purchase of a website Or domain Again, squarespace.com Slash if I were you Free trial Everything looks good Let's launch it

Just use that offer code If I were you to save 10% off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace And we're back You came to LA on Wednesday That's right Left on Sunday Correct

Friday night smack dab in the middle You go out New York style I'll call it It is hot, heavy, crowded, sweaty Insane, intense I'm not even there I couldn't attend Slightly afraid to attend

A huge maskless gathering of strangers You fucking go belly first into the beast Are you thinking about COVID at all Or are you too drunk to care I wasn't thinking about it at all I didn't think about it Before I went out when I was drunk Or before I was drunk

So definitely not when I was drunk So what was the party? Yeah It was a party called Candy Pop Right And it was in like a ballroom And like downtown LA There was like a stage

A huge DJ booth, a dance floor And they were playing songs from like The 90s and early 2000s Just every single top 40 hit You could want Basically what we used to chase In every city we went to Our goal was to find this Shangri-La

Yeah, we were always looking for the 90s Or like the early 2000s Hip hop dance party We wanted to go somewhere Where they were playing Big Pimpin That was the dream Okay So you get there

Are you late? Are you lit? Is it already crowded? Are you into it instantly? I was So what did I do first on Friday? Oh So I hung out with the NADPod crew

We recorded some episodes We went out to dinner And then I Dropped my car at the hotel And I ubered to Marty's And I'd recorded, I'd eaten I had my first drink And I'm like

He makes me a drink at his house And I was like I wonder how long I'm even going to stay out Cohen came out to meet us Marty had some other friends That were coming to the house And I was like I hope I don't disappoint everybody

Because I don't really feel like dancing I'm probably just going to like Hang for a little bit You're kind of fried And nothing to do with like Yeah, I wasn't worried about the crowds I was just like Honestly, I was like

Tired Had a drink We went to Went to the club Still like not even that excited Have We get there though And

There's a small line And I was right in front of a convenience store So I ran in and I got a five hour energy And I drank that Wow, very New York style Yeah, the line was short It was only like five minutes And inside it was like half crowded

Like we were able to walk right up to the bar With no weight There was like the dance floor But like if you needed to go to the bathroom You could like move through the crowd Without touching anybody We got vodka red bulls We took a shot

We Wow, a shot Yeah A fucking shot A shot Well, it's the last time you took a shot Just the straight up Let's get this into our system

As fast as possible Yeah I mean I mean, I probably kind of recently But it still feels really good I mean, not in that environment Yeah, not a shot with like You know

Your four guys at the bar There's a dance party in the other room That's been a long time And then we got another drink And I was like After that I Went from not knowing if I wanted to go dancing To truly dancing by myself

For three hours Head down Just in the zone Didn't give a Like every once in a while I would like get out Put my arm around Marty Put my arm around Kong

We're like kind of dancing together But I was I was just in it It was so good You're on like a natural drug basically Your brain was flowing Happy chemicals that have been Building up for months and months

Didn't even realize how much I missed it It was like one of those things That I didn't crave throughout I was like The things that I craved were way more simple Like just hanging out with friends Because I couldn't even do that But then the last few months

I've been hanging out with friends And what I hadn't had on the register Was a fucking rager And here it is It was good It was good And it was funny because that night At midnight

The LA was like Alright starting now You have to wear a mask indoors So like this could be like the last Huge dance party for a few months And you like timed it just right Yeah god I feel bad That's brutal for you guys

Or maybe people just like Nah we're not gonna agree to doing that And we're like Would this party just happen again in next week Nobody's gonna like actually wear a mask there Yeah I wonder I have no idea I mean

You would know better than me But it seemed like the next day They had the mask mandate start Or on Sunday they had it start And like everyone at the coffee shop Where I'd been the day before No one was wearing a mask They're suddenly all

Oh no one was Oh yeah Yeah they are The signs were back up on stores I think stores want to keep their employees healthy Right But I don't know what the fuck Bars are gonna

No you can't require a mask at a bar Like I think that's the weirder part Because like the way bars always worked When they opened indoor dining It's like You don't have to have a mask on When you're eating or drinking

And it's like Put a mask on if you go to the bathroom And it's like Yeah Okay fine That seems like a weird like Half measure anyway That couldn't have helped that much

It's like It seems like it's gonna be happening In other cities Like it's just growing and growing And like that's the first thing that you do Is like say Okay you have to wear a mask indoors again Like

Right I would say Most big cities will have it soon So I guess we'll find out what the fuck is gonna happen But like I just don't understand how you can do Mask indoors At a restaurant

Where you don't have one When you're inside And it's just Like you wear one for like 5% of the time It's like if you stand up You have to put it on It's like that's not Yeah

Happy to do it Of course But it sounds like it can't be helpful There's no way that's like super good Right Maybe it's like Yeah I don't even know I just don't know

Let's find out Alright here's a classic question That we get all the time What is your dream car? Ooh That's from Josh Carter Dream car My dream carter

I've got a couple I've got a couple I mean we're fucking I'm a gearhead So like I can't count How many times people have asked me about My opinion on my fucking Goat whip

Yeah The 1969 Porsche Carrera I'm fixing it up with my dad In the garage as we see Don't you have a hot rod? I'm working on building a hot rod Yes It's a 54 Chevy

Man I get So for a long time I had my dream car It was a 2000 Toyota Tacoma I since given it to my sister She's got my dream car I feel like

I don't know I feel like I don't care about like fancy cars Like I would never I don't like want a Mercedes or a BMW I like early 2000s Just the same way I like my music Late 90s trucks

That's what I want I think if I really had my druthers I'd have A nice old pickup truck again Just a nice tiny little weekend air and runner And a Westphalia That's like my dream car I think The Westphalia that you can like sleep in

Yeah Like a 1992 Westphalia Vanagon That's what I want I'm going to get you one Just because I have I don't I came into this huge chunk of cash And I want to pay it forward

I don't feel like If it's paying Fine Just so you know If it's paying it forward Then that means you actually don't expect anything from me And I'm supposed to do a good deed for someone else I'm sure you'll hit me back

You get paid forward all the way around Back to my ass Yeah Because you pay it forward so much I don't want to owe you something Because you don't want cash You want some kind of favor You want me to be indebted to you

You want me to have to say yes I want that Westphalia favor That's the big one I don't want to do anything for you You owe it to me It's insane how little I care about cars And I guess I'm happy about it Because I waste my money on shit like crypto

Fucking Collectibles That like I'm glad I don't care about cars Because I would just spend Cars are a very expensive hobby If you have it You can spend $100,000 on a fucking Tesla

Yeah And I'm like I already feel bad that I like lease A fucking mediocre Mazda for $250 a month I'm like I don't need even that Like I can just fucking drive a Ford Focus I don't care

I don't know what it's in me It's in my brain I never ever ever cared about what I have Yeah But you care about it being at least easy to drive Yes, comfortable But every car in 2020 is nice and comfortable I'll rent a car

What if you just went and you were like I'm gonna try an Audi I'm just gonna drive an A4 And you're like You like that more than a Mazda It was smoother It was easy to drive I can't imagine anything being smooth

I don't register the smoothness of my car And I don't register the niceness of it either And I'm like Why would I pay double for a car that feels the same to me And I brought in my car to get fixed And the guy's like Ugh, Mazda 3 I think that's my favorite

I'm like Yeah, it's nice And he's like Do you use the paddle shifters? I'm like No, I don't know what any of the features are I haven't activated or turned off He's like

Sport mode, I'm like Nope, just normal It gives you a little more control Yeah, you feel the turns I want to seize as much control as possible Thank you I don't want to feel the turns or I do Yeah, give me a self-driving fucking

I don't know What's the cheapest car? Is it a Ford Focus? Did I just make that up? A Toyota Yaris? A Yaris It's got to be a Yaris It gave me an anything

I really, yeah I think it's because my dad also never cared So I never had that My brother's never cared Your dad has a nice car though He's got a fucking convertible He has a convertible Yeah

But he's not like Let me buy one and, you know Learn about the different kinds Yeah, I always cared about the way cars looked But I was lucky that I liked the way Older cars looked Maybe it's because my family always We never bought new cars

They were always used So like in When I was like getting a car in like 2001 or something Like I wanted a 1990 Car Toyota Corolla Yeah

I was like, oh yeah I want to get like a 94 Yeah And when I came back to LA And I bought a car I couldn't believe how like nice cars were now Like No car has a fucking key that you turn on

I used to have a key that you turn on Every car has a Camera in the back Very helpful Very great I went from like I was so analog with the Tacoma I like

I loved having my key And when I got my new car I was I didn't like having a fob I didn't like the press button But now Now I couldn't use the backup camera

I didn't know how I didn't know how to do it It made it harder for me Interesting Now I could never go back I was like I was I drove my truck

A couple weeks ago Because my sister was home And I Fully Like I was backing up And I just like They didn't know what to do I looked directly at the console

Wanting Wanting to see the camera Yeah I have no idea like what What Mike I used to like You know they used to teach you like Alright put your hand over here

And like turn around all the way And like that's how you back up Parallel park Now it's like Do they teach kids Not to turn around When they're parallel parking It used to have to be

I wonder I guess they must But it did Like I remember When I was learning It was so precise It was like The rear window

Needed to like line up With the person Line up Yeah Like brake lights And then you had to twist Till your Rear view mirror

Got To their brake lights To the back of the car Yeah But now it's like I'm like Vaguely guessing every single time Cause I'm like oh it doesn't matter

With the camera I can course correct So easily Also you can There's also cars where it's like Alright line up your car And press this button And it'll sort of do it for you

So you don't have to worry About parallel parking That's sad for me Cause I'm actually An incredible parallel parker And I don't want my talent To become Utterly meaningless

You're so small I'm not small I'm the parking king You know how it's how I Retro to myself Yeah Dragomxos What rules would you like

To see changed in basketball Or any other sport To make the game more interesting I got one in mind For this one For basketball No for soccer Cause I've been watching

I was watching the Euro Cup Yeah Right Penalty kick should be Worth half a goal You shouldn't play For 88 minutes Of intense soccer

And that's like The rest like I think he tripped them near there Alright get a penalty kick Which is like The equivalent of getting 55 free points in basketball Like a goal is such a premium

That to just give them away And then like Another team actually gets A real goal and that's a tie No Like that penalty kick Was a lot easier than That like an amazing header

So it should be Penalty kicks are worth half And then I'll go so Further as to say It was Harry Kane That missed a penalty kick And then the rebound came to him And then he scored

The finish Yeah that's That's a bullshit That you don't get to Fucking sell it I think that was harder He blocked your kick The finish was probably

The finish was harder I got it back in No He just fucking got a rebound And scored Like you should get the penalty kick If he's blocked You lose

You seed your time You don't get to Then in addition to that Kick it in And celebrate Like you did something good He fucked up He should be ashamed

He didn't fuck up You have an issue With the rules of the sport Kane and Sterling Played within the rules Everyone played With the same rules They benefited

Yeah But it wasn't his fault He kicked It was blocked He had a beautiful put back actually Which to finish on that To react on that That's what I'm saying

I'm just saying That was beautiful football right there Yeah You get two little opportunities From point blank Awesome You made the second one Yeah

But I mean I I agree In a way In a way I think Wow You're not a real soccer fan

No I mean Well First of all At least I don't think you could like Point to any one game And be like

That wasn't fair Because I can't remember every Single Denmark game But like Before there were calls That they benefited from That the other teams

Didn't think they were fair Everybody is like Wins and loses By the same Set of dunk rules I don't like VAR I think that should be I think that they should not adhere to it

As strictly as they do Like Right Unlike the offside calls When like a goal Basically looks Like it was It was incredible

And then they do that weird thing Where they're like Making the cross hatches And they're like Actually His shoulder was just Ahead of his toe An inch

And it's like That should not You shouldn't overturn Stuff like that So on the margins I don't think I think that's bullshit Replays

Sort of a problem Across any sport Where it's like If you slow it down When he knocked the ball out It actually touched his pinky Right before You knocked it out

So it's actually off of you Little shit like that Yeah It's against the Spirit of the role Even though it's Scientifically accurate on a replay I don't like

Penalty kick shootouts And it's not just Cause England lost Yeah I think that's It's such a weird It's its own game It's like

Settling the end of a soccer game By playing Mario Party It's Or a basketball game By doing a free throw contest Yeah It's just It's crazy

And It's tough though Cause like I'm playing As they get exhausted Right That's harder But it still doesn't seem

It ain't right It doesn't seem right Maybe they play again What if they Pack it up and play again tomorrow That's interesting I think that's how it works In Aussie rules

It's like if there's a tie They're like Alright let's play again In a week or something like that That's amazing In the finals Yeah I mean

I think that That seems Okay for the finals to me It's like the I don't know The drama is amazing So There is that

I feel like If you're an Italy fan Everybody is probably like I love penalty kicks The drama was high I won I feel amazing Yeah

But Anyone on the losing side It's just like Deflating way to lose a game Alright Good questions Good answers Good to see you again

In the zoom It was a little weird to see you in person So this is good I prefer it this way This is nice Back to where we are Yeah Nice

I'm off to check on my maggots and ants Thanks to you guys For writing in your theme songs And your questions too If I were you show At gmail.com The opening theme song Again

Let's hear the second half of it Was Alex Southie Who has A single to promote On Wednesday July 21st Called As close as you'll ever be You can find it anywhere

On his socials And streaming on that date So shout out to Alex Southie Music Or Alex Southie With an EY That's right And thanks to everybody

That's supporting us on Patreon New videos coming soon To our YouTube That's right That's patreon.com Slash J A Yeah And

Thanks to everyone Who's supporting us there And we will be back Again with another Testing testing A bonus Thursday episode This week On Thursday

Last week We did a spelling bee This week Who knows I'm gonna test you I'm grilling you on something You're gonna take the notary exam The Connecticut State notary exam

It'll be We're gonna fucking pass a bar exam It's gonna be a 24 hour episode That's right Okay, thanks for listening We'll be back next week Bye You're not as funny as you think

Music You laugh along with your eyes closed Music And when you're open No one's there Music If I Were you sure

I'd probably let them off If I If I Music That was a hit gum original