If I Were You - 499: Olympics

Episode Date: August 2, 2021

In this episode we discuss telling the truth, keeping in touch with an ex, and celebrating life's little victories.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Hit Gum Original. I think this could be an episode where I get the gold in my... Or not! And that's a dirty. And that's a dirty. And that is a dirty. I used to have some style. I used to do sketch comedy.

The proof is in the smile. Remember that? Well, that was me. Now I got the dirty. No! We started up a podcast with Jake and I as two cool dudes. Around the world we broadcast headgums on if I were you. Yeah, and I started headgum. Now I got the dirty.

Oh god damn it! Just fucking sit! I got the dirty. I got the dirty. I got the dirty. That is half of this epic ballad that was made for you. Very nice. Made for you. Made for you.

It would seem. Yes, made for me. Because it's a Bo Burnham parody from his latest special, Inside, which I still implore you, Jake, and everybody to listen to. No, but it wasn't for you because it was from the special you liked. It was for you because it was about the award category that you dominate. I liked because you liked some of our... Yeah, it's fun.

It's about you. Some of our lives. And your legacy. And your legacy. We should say this is episode 499. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah, and yeah, if there ever was a time, and I'm not even trying to put it out there

in the ether, not in a way that I want it or don't that much, but yeah. I have yet to receive what you deem to be the Golden Mike, which is the award... What I deem to be the Golden Mike. Yeah. That really... That really minimizes what it is. I'm sure you didn't mean to do that. I'm sure you didn't mean to do that.

But that was the theme song, a parody of Bo Burnham's I'm Turning 30 about our award, The Turdy. Yours. Yeah. By Dom Ruggery. Last name pronounced like RuPaul, but instead of Paul, it's Jerry Frick and Seinfeld. Rugerie? Dom Rugerie?

Oh, Rugerie. Yeah. Rugerie. Wow, that's a tough one. R-U-G-G-E-R-I. Whoo. Good luck. Good luck getting to be able to say Rugerie.

Yeah. When you have to say my name is pronounced like two other people's names combined. It's tough. Yeah. RuPaul and Jerry Seinfeld. The big two. Okay. All right.

So there it is. That's that. That's that. Still TBD, Jerry's out with regards to this episode. Why don't we punt that for after the break? Because I feel like you're not going to like where it's heading is the only thing. We don't have to have this conversation. I don't want to.

Yeah. We could put a stick a pin in it. Yeah. Let's stick a pin in it. Because right now what you've done is, yeah, you've pulled the pin from the grenade. We're trying to put it back in before this whole thing explodes like diarrhea in your face. Okay. Yep.

Yep. Don't want to do that. No. No, you don't. Oh, hell no. Yeah. Back away, Blumenfeld. I'm just trying to be casual and have fun.

And I think I am a little bit. Yeah. I'm like basically a fun whatever. I'm like a cool guy who's like down to do. I'm down to hang out. I'm down to sing and have some fun. And I am really good. Yeah.

Yeah. We will pick this up. We'll pick this up later. For sure. For sure. Yeah. Don't. I don't.

Yeah. I don't want your mind to be made up. It's not. It's not. It's not made up. Nothing's set in stone. Miracles do happen. Miracles happen.

Yeah. It wouldn't count on this one. But, you know, you never know. Let's punt it. As I said, you're belaboring this. I don't even want to is the crazy part. I want to onward enough word of the show. Episode 499.

Wow. The big 499 inches away from the big 500, which I got. I don't even know what we should do for that. Like halfway to a G. It's a milestone. It's iconic. It's legendary. We should do something special.

Here's an idea. What if we went door to door to all of our listeners that have listened to every episode up until now and personally thank them, recorded like a little live podcast in their room and then done like a Q&A with them, sort of like spend some time with our fans. That seems like a very onerous task to one by one do a living room show and a Q&A. That would be like really intensive. Okay. It would take years, I think, months at least.

Yeah. You just want to make sure that all these people are vetted. So it's tens of thousands of people to make sure that they're all like. That they actually listen. Make sure that they have listened. They're vaccinated obviously and ideally a positive test. So it's huge. It's logistics nightmare, really.

Because we'd have to end up go like traveling a ton. We travel a ton. We would be, I don't know, coming up with some kind of weird test or quiz to make sure that people listen to every episode. And then to say nothing of the living room show that we have to put on. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe we could just do one or something.

Yeah. A big show for 500, like a live show or something. That's a more normal idea. It's attainable. But it's actually not because it's now at this point, it's two weeks away. So it's too little, too late. We're going to have to do something. Next week.

Yeah. We'll have like. A guest or something. Yeah. I just didn't see this coming. I didn't. I don't know. I'm like bare knuckle driving this show.

Not driving the show like myself, obviously. We're both in this together. Yeah. Don't think that I'm trying to like take credit for. Yeah. Like now I'm like intimidated by your ass. It's so funny. Like I'm scared to talk to you, but like I feel like we've had our nose to the grindstone

for seven years. Totally. I don't want to make. Yeah. Move. Move. Yeah. And I'm like scared.

Skittish. Nervous. Yes. Yeah. Skittish. Walking on eggshells. They might say. As it were.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you ever get that? Like are you ever intimidated? Not about I'm scared. Like I'm not mad at you or anything. Yes. I would be crazy if you were.

Did you say you were mad at me? What did you say? No. The hell did I do? No, dude. No, sir. No, sir. Actually not mad at you, sir.

Good job. Good job. What? I'm going to take the dirty myself. Really? For this episode. Just get it out of the way, man. Wow.

Because now it's glooming over me and like. That's big. That's so fucking. It is really big. It's actually pretty impressive. I've never done that before. That's awesome. And I wonder if that will change everything that's going on.

Self awarded the turdy to free you of the burden of earning it. It's cool. It's big. It's a little, it's a little craven. It's a little, it's a little cowardly to ask for the award in shittiness and podcasting because I don't know. I guess some things are inevitable. Death and taxes, they say.

And you getting the turdy might be the other one. We'll see. We'll see. We'll see. You already got it. You gave it to yourself. You said that. You said, I give myself the turdy.

I accept the turdy. I kind of regret this whole fucking thing actually. That was going to be like. Like that. I was going to. The bit or the podcast. The podcast, the bit. And I'm like wondering why it's all happening to me right now.

I feel like this is a fucking avalanche of shit. 500 episodes and it's all for naught. Right. Yeah, exactly. Interesting. Yeah. This is, yeah, like you said, this is if I were you, the only advice pod on the net hosted by me and Jake.

Nice. Each one are equally silly and funny. Yeah. Maybe I will get the money. No, no, you won't get an award unless it's the turdy. Hey, I love this like musical theme that we're doing though. That's a cool idea. That's a really, that's elevating the show.

I wonder if you hadn't already awarded yourself the turdy. If you would have gotten another award for that kind of creativity, that kind of ingenuity in episode 500 to make it new again. It's pretty neat. It's pretty cool. It's pretty ace, Blumenfeld. I'm actually proud of you for doing it. I feel like I have a joy to, joy to weave about life right now and I'm trying to like

put that in the ether slash podcast, kind of like infuse new energy going into the second half of this first G we're doing. That's nice. Which is kind of fun. I like that. Not even trying to think about the hardware. No, that's. It's not about it.

That's not why we do it. We don't do this for the awards. The awards come because we do this for the love. You know what I'm saying? Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Word up.

Word up. In fact, I think I will accept the golden mic at this point because as I said, it's not about the hardware. It's about the joy. It's not about the hardware. It's about the hard work. Yeah. It's about the hard work, as I say.

Because it matters to me, but it's not why I do it. That's why I accept the award. Humble cheese, chuffed, honored, and asked and answered. Let's move on, blazing into the second half of the next 501 episodes before we fulfill our suicide pact. Yeah. We got a few good emails this week that I was able to find about just life, love, and the pursuit of being happy because I am happy.

Exactly. Here we go. Yeah. Sorry. I'm really fucking scared and crying right now. That's so funny. Yeah. What are you scared of?

No. You're like this kind of nasty figure. All right. Yeah. Let's paraphrase this. This is from a lady. Yeah. And remember, you gave the turdy to yourself this episode.

Okay? Yes. That wasn't on me. That was not on me. I said, and I think anyone listening can scrub back. I said, nothing's written in stone. I said, miracles can happen. Yep.

Yeah. So that's not on me. It's not on me. No. Definitely not. You're not a nasty figure. Nor should he be. Nor are you to me, basically.

This is a lady who's got a bi problem. A bisexual conundrum worthy of our attention. Very nice. Let's call her Vi. Cool. Yeah. I started talking to a girl who goes to my college right before we got sent home for summer break.

We matched on Tinder, but I've yet to meet up in person since I left for my hometown shortly after we started talking. Things have been going well, but there's one small issue. I was hooked up with her ex-boyfriend about a month prior to our Tinder interaction. It wasn't anything serious when we had sex once, and I was the one to end things. I actually got to know him through a mutual friend who knew we were both Jake and Amir fans. Crazy, that can get you laid, she says.

I know I should probably tell her at some point. I'm just not sure how or when to bring up this little detail. I have a feeling that if I mention that I'm a fan of yours, she will say something about her ex since unfortunately not many people at our college are pimps and cools who know about y'all. Would this be a deal breaker for you guys? How do I just slip in this little tidbit of infona casual conversation? I don't know if this is actually a big deal or if I'm just overthinking things at this

point. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, love, and ta-da. Vi. Yeah. At what point is this beyond a deal breaker? Because in the beginning, it's kind of like it's, you know, you're so uncommitted in the new relationship that something like this could be like, oh, I don't want to continue the relationship, but then you get further into the relationship and it becomes more

of a secret and it's more of a thing when you reveal it. There's got to be like a middle ground somewhere before it gets too serious, but after the relationship has been like nurtured enough to- Yeah. There's a sweet spot where it's not too early, not too late, and you say, by the way, I had sex with your ex. Seven weeks. Seven weeks is the answer.

So exactly 49 days after meeting this lady, you drop not quite a nuclear bomb, but a small sized sort of attack that, hey, by the way, your ex and I are sexed and I. Or do you never say anything? Never ever say anything. I feel like that's- It's information that doesn't necessarily- I feel like that's how you would do it. Yeah.

Yeah. It is how I would do it. Yeah. Absolutely how I would do it. Because it's sort of like now I'm not saying anything, you know? Right. It's not relevant to me, so I wouldn't bring it up. The only reason to bring it up is because you feel like it's going to be relevant to

her. So yeah, you know, if she doesn't ask, how would you divulge? I just- I didn't lie. I just didn't tell you that I had sex with your ex or something. You could also do it. I mean, I don't know how she knows, like if this ex has ever come up. It's weird to be like, I have to tell you something.

I did some research. I know who your ex is, and I had sex with him. It feels like you have to find a way for you to find out about the ex, and then you react surprised, it's funny, it's silly, oh my God. I guess for Eskimo sisters, something along those lines. That's good. Even like, sort of do it at one of those igloo themed ice bars. Where were we at where we went to that sort of underwater ice bar where it's like freezing

cold? Oh yeah, it was in Queenstown, New Zealand. Yeah, so it's like the entire bar is made out of ice, and everything is icy, and you get in there and it's like 38 below or something like that. And they give you big fur coats and gloves that a thousand people have worn, and you just take shots of vodka and sit on frozen ice blocks, it's awesome. And it's fair, and it's good to do that, so you sort of invite her there and you say, the reason I'm actually here with you slash child is because we are indeed Eskimos with

one another. She says, I don't quite understand, you say put on this parka, sister, because I want you to park it on this ice block as I tell you this hot news, and that news quote unquote is that I've sexed your ex, and it has been seven weeks, so you can't get mad at me for dragging my feet. You can't get rid of me at this point. I'm ice right now. Yeah, not too early, not too late, freezing cold and just right for that hot, hot take.

Yeah, that's the plan of attack. Or you could do what Jake does, which is not discuss your past at all, can't get in trouble for not saying anything ever about anything. Do what you would have done, I did what I would have done, we'll lock it away, never bring it up. The end. I'm a fan of not discussing your past, as long as it's not relevant and informing anything that you are doing, you know, yeah, there's times when like those things have to come

out to explain the way I'm behaving or like my mistrust around this thing. But otherwise, it's not like I would ever volunteer like, oh, I had sex with this person. Like it doesn't matter, especially like this is innocuous. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So if you're going to do it, do it while you're in too deep, she can't get so mad that she

breaks up with you or just don't do it at all. But not too, too deep, because then it's like, why did you hide this from me? It's been five years. Bingo, bingo, bongo. All right, let's take a break, come back, answer some more questions on the other side of these messages. Thank you to Stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show, visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of

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Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah.

For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. For my parents.

So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're a great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. Yeah.

This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. Oh, I was just being goofy a little bit like, uh, this is how I told my grandma she was

pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant.

It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. Let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family

in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah.

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And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's the left side of the fight. Oh, it's the left side of the fight. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Yeah, I do.

I started celebrating more recently. And interesting. So like, for example, you'll give yourself like a little pep talk, a little fist bump, some music, or how are you celebrating? It started in the climbing gym. Like just working on V4s, V5s, that kind of thing. Like a climb that I couldn't necessarily do the first time you work on it. You eventually, you remember from the climbing gym.

Yeah. Like there are some climbs that are just warm-ups. You go up to the top, you go down, you go up in one try. It's not that hard. But then there are some that you like try three or four times. You're trying to figure it out. You give it one last push. You get to the top.

You're a little frightened, but you make it work. So I started, when I did that, like really pumping my fist and like being amped for myself. And it felt amazing. So I started like really leaning in. I still haven't like screamed. It's all kind of like muted. But like pumping my fist really hard and like shaking it and getting fucking amped. It's awesome.

It's so fun. So what's an example of something that you do, you know, that requires the fist bump? Like outside of the climbing? Yeah. Up to outside of climbing. When we recently closed a deal on an exciting podcaster. When that happened, I clapped and I like shook my fist and I let out a woo. Nice.

They're like just like small little professional victories and stuff like that. Any time that something goes your way, I encourage you to shake your fist really hard. Even if you are in a situation where you can't yell woo, just like pump your fist. Because I remember watching like it was a Yankees playoff game. God, like 10 years ago, Joba Chamberlain was pitching. So it was a long time ago. Joba Chamberlain. What a blast from the fat pass.

Yeah. And he struck somebody out in like the bottom of the eighth and he just walks off the mound just like hulks out and screams at the at the dugout in the crowd. And I remember thinking like, I'll never like have that kind of like adrenaline pump. I'll never be able to do that. So now I'm just trying to give that to myself in micro doses. That's good. It's sort of like positive affirmations or daily affirmations, convincing yourself that

you are joyed and eventually you will be totally. And I also do it just when I finish like us, if I'm working out and even like not even like climbing and accomplishing something, just like finish my last set, I just shake my fist. That's good. I might do that. Like, I don't want to waste it too much because like you only have so many, so much dopamine in your brain or whatever that gets released when you do it.

But yeah, maybe after I drink a coffee and take a good morning shit, I can do like the fuck yeah fist bump sort of the. That would work. Yeah. Barely. But I think even that works. If you take a good shit, yeah, celebrate. All right.

Good advice. Positive. Thank you. It's all it's what we all need right now, I guess. Yeah, that's that self care. My brother's in LA. Yes, I saw him. We got him yesterday.

We saw him yesterday together. Yeah. Wow. What kind of what did what did he get? He got the protein something or other, so like it's got some greens, some leaves, some berries. Nice. Peanut butter.

I think there were almonds in it, which, you know, if you're going to put it in the butter, but almond butter in it is not just ground up almonds. So like you might as well just put almonds in it. That's the same thing. Is it not? I guess. I guess. I'm almond butter.

There's, I think there's some other shit in there though. All right. We got a question from Copenhagen, Denmark. Oh, hell yeah. I love Copenhagen. Holy shit. This one is about a guy in his late twenties will call him Dane Cook. Cool.

Hey guys. I'm in my late twenties and I'm living in Copenhagen together with two lovely roommates. I've been seeing this girl for a bit and last week and my roommates were both out traveling, so naturally we took the chance to bone on every possible surface of our kitchen slash living room. So my question is now that my roommates are back, should I tell them? I don't want them to feel uncomfortable having breakfast on the table we fucked on, but I do think it makes sense that I should let them know because it makes me the legal owner

of the flat or I should at least get equity in the building. Oh my God. Let me know what you would do. I could use some of that real estate cheese best regards Dane. Dane. Well, if you want equity in the building, you have to tell your landlord. Your roommates don't have the power. They can't give you that.

If you want a piece of the pie, you have to bring it to the landlord. I don't know how it works in Denmark, but it's how it works here. Yeah. So you'd have to sort of just tell the building owner that by the way, I effed on the kitchen in the flat. And then he would assign a value to the building, assign a value to the shares, parcel out the shares according to which surfaces you boned on. And if you nutted and if she nutted, then maybe there's some kind of bonus because if

it's, yeah, I don't know. And then would you tell the roommates or that's sort of the landlord's job? Yeah. I think there's no, like the fun of doing that is knowing that you, that you've had sex when you like see your roommates in the kitchen. It's like a fun little secret. It's a hot, don't tell anybody thing, not, yeah, tell your roommates. That's fucking crazy.

That's not the point. Yeah. You, you want to prank as a roommate. Would you want to know that? I mean, you lived with some dirty dudes in your day. Yeah, no, it's better to not know. It's better to not know. If you did know, would that change how you handled your cereal eating in the morning?

I mean, probably not. Like I'm sure they wiped it off. It doesn't, it wouldn't bother me at all to know that somebody had sex somewhere. Like I'm sure roommates had sex on shared couches and stuff. I know I did when I was living with people. So that's fine. That's just like, that's where a body was. There was a body there.

It's not like there's still a mess to be had. Don't sit there. There's still fluid on the couch. Right. Even, I feel like even, even if there was fluid, as long as it was dried, I wouldn't have cared. When I'm dried fluid, what the hell is your problem? When I'm like 20 something, I don't think it matters.

That's the huge deal is about turning 30s that you start caring about shit. Like fucking dry fluid on a goddamn. There's a stain on this. God. Yeah. All right. Jesus Christ. That was awesome.

Yeah. Way to, way to fucking own this building though, you don't really do that like in your own place. It doesn't mean as much, you know? Yeah. Like it's, you mean it's, if you, it's cooler to do it in a shared flat. Yeah. Somewhere where you're paying rent.

It doesn't really belong to you, but a piece of you will always be there now. Yes. That's correct. And a piece of her, really your love, your love is, it's kind of like when you enter a place and you sage it before you move in, that's sort of like what you do on your way out. Right. It's sort of scorched earth vibes as it were.

And there's like the idea of like christening a place too. You know, like we're going to have sex here in this room. We christened the dining room. That's right. That's cool. Okay. Let's take another break. Come back, answer some more questions after these messages right on this show is sponsored

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Hey, are you watching the Olympics as much as you thought you would? I'm not watching it as much as I thought I would. I'm watching it a lot, but I don't like the Olympic coverage. It's just, it's, well, for me, it's all over the place. Yeah. It's hard to, it's hard to find when events are on. I don't know. I don't know what it is.

Maybe it's the, it's Japan being 13 hours ahead. It's pretty inconvenient. Yeah. It's like, there's some old stuff when you start watching at five and then it goes cuts to like new stuff that's happening around eight or nine. So like if you're doing that in the East coast, the live stuff is only happening at midnight and then you wake up and you see everything that happened already. Yeah.

You see like, oh, I know Katie Ledecky lost or this guy won. So like I'm watching it and I already, it's kind of spoils it. It's all, yeah. I think that's the worst. Like you don't know which events are live, which ones are prerecorded. And then the New York times alerts are spoiling everything for me. I just wake up and I'm like, SUNY, wait, what's her name? Simone Biles.

Oh, the, the gymnast that took her place in one. Yeah. Yeah. SUNY, like SUNY Lee won. And the overall. Yeah. I was like, oh, well, I was excited to watch for mine, but I guess I won't now or yeah, what did you guys want me to do?

And then when they're showing it, they're like cutting to commercials either mid event, like that, do you see the Katie Ledecky 1500 meter? Like it's a 10 minute race and they're like, all right, during this race, let's cut to commercial and show you guys McDonald's ads and like move her to a small box in the corner. Crazy. Did her real dirty. 10 minutes. You guys can't wait 10 minutes.

And then it's like, all right, fuck it. Let's go to beach volleyball for one game and then like, all right, we're back out of there. So it's, it's too frenetic to ADD. There's no real strong storylines that I'm following. I hope so. Yeah. I don't really like diving, but they put, it's all at like two or three in the morning.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Or they'll like show it for like two seconds and then it'll go cut away. I can't, I can't sink my teeth into any of this shit. There's too many sports also. I, I don't know, like to, to watch like there's shooting in archery and then handball and like three on three basketball, there's, there's just so much that it's like, and then you're

watching like, oh, this is, uh, this is an exciting sport, but it's actually just the group stage. So it's not that interesting. Yeah. Um, and then all of a sudden it's like, this is a gold medal event for rowing. Like, well, what? I don't know. That's too much.

Yeah. Also, um, what was I going to say? Oh yeah. They're showing sports or I'm not even sure like how they like, how they score this stuff. Like this, this Australian lady once surfing, it's like, oh, how, what do you, how did you win surfing? Is she like on her board the longest or did she do a move or something? They just show her surfing and then it shows her getting a gold medal.

Do you have any idea how they score surfing? No. Um, is it like, was she doing tricks? No, it looks like she was just surfing. Biggest wave length. I don't know. Coolest vibes. Yeah.

Australian is definitely going to win that every time. Yeah. No wonder they fucking swept. And then the fact that there's no crowd is not ideal either. Yeah. It's, it's really a perfect story. The NBC can't be too happy about getting a fucking Olympics on an off year, 2021. No crowd at 2am.

I think they were dealt a shit hand. Yeah. But I also, I heard that they like beat their previous records for like advertising for it. Like 12 bills. There's a bad advertising or something insane like that. Yeah. I guess cause they promised to show that during the events. So like you literally can't look away.

Yeah. That's why they cut to commercial during Ledecky's race. Yeah. But it's good to see that swimmers are still insanely long, lean, thick, jacked athletes. Like they always were. Whether it's Michael Phelps or that new guy Caleb, it seems like we're, we're pumping them out just right. Three, four years, there's a new insanely long, lean, jacked swimmer that's breaking

an Olympic record. Yeah. That's, that's the USA way. Are those tattoos that they have temporary or are they fucking getting inked up? Oh, I think they're getting inked up. Wow. I might do that too, actually. I wouldn't.

I wouldn't. Fuck it. Olympic rings on my pecked. You have to earn the rings. Oh my God. I'm gonna get your nipples gray. Well, I can't swim. You have Grazacea.

What's that? Instead of Rosacea? Yeah. All right. Let's try to see if we can get through. One more question. This one is about a guy who wants to quit his love cold turkey. So let's call him Farmer John.

Nice. I just finished college in Colorado and a recent breakup has me feeling a little mixed up. It's my decision to end it after two years of long distance, but she was really understanding and asked if we could still be good friends. We'd talk every day for the last two years after all. And after trying to go cold turkey for about a week, we both were feeling pretty sad. So for about a month, we talked every day and FaceTimed once a week just to catch up.

However, in the last few weeks, she's found herself a new bow. All of a sudden, she's sort of gone AWOL and only texts me if I text her first. I'm feeling like a chump being the only one making an effort to stay in touch and every time I get ignored, it just is a damper on my day. She still agrees to FaceTime now and then, but it's always forced. Yeah. What would you guys do in my situation? Should I remove myself entirely, unfollow her on socials and stop texting her?

If we ever lived in the same city, I could see us getting back together, long distance being the main reason we broke up. But I also want to move on and make the most of where I'm at in life right now. College grad, new job, making the most of seeing my friends. Love, Farmer John. Oh, Farmer John. You broke up with her. She was sad.

She wanted to stay in touch and you oblige and now she's fading away. This is good. This is what you ultimately wanted to have the breakup. Yes. It's great. You were very supportive while she seemingly got over you. So awesome. Don't unfollow her on social media, mute her on social media.

You don't have to make a thing of it and go on and live your life. Stop texting, stop FaceTiming. Everything is as you intended when you initiated the breakup. So congratulations. That's nice. So you're saying he's like halfway there. He started to consider the idea that maybe he shouldn't be with her anymore and he should focus on the good stuff.

Yeah. Focus on the good stuff. I mean, especially if she's not going to become more available. She has a new boyfriend and so you're that like damper on your day that's going to keep on happening so you can solve this problem by not putting yourself in that position. Yeah. I mean, just you really want to catch up with an ex who's currently with somebody else. Yeah.

Yeah. So Travis and I went, let's see, what did we do this week? Farmer's Market, which was awesome because we lived together and we're in love. What else did we do? You froze for a second, Travis. I didn't catch that last thing. This is Travis talking. He's in the background.

Actually, baby, I can catch up with Travis. Isn't it annoying when Penny's all, hello? No, I was going to say, isn't it annoying when, yeah, all right, they're hooking up. Hang up. You guys forgot to hang up. You guys forgot to end the call. No. Oh God.

I don't want to hang up because that's rude, but at the same time, I don't want to see you grinding on Travis. Hello? Fuck. All right. Let me catch up with me later, please. Thank you. Yeah.

You don't need to know anymore. You've done your, you've known enough and now she's off with somebody else and that's enough knowing for now. Yeah. Congrats. Knowing anymore at this point would be too much knowledge. Yeah. Be dumb.

Be dumb. Be dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Be dumb. Be dumb. Be dumb. Did you end up deciding on the, I last the big 499? I actually didn't get the opportunity to award the turdy because you took that on yourself. I accept your decision.

So we have made it official. You got the turdy in the first half of the episode and I guess you forgot that I won the golden mic when, when I expressed how I don't do this for the mic. I do this for the work and for the love and the joy of the game that we play. Sorry. It brings a tear to my eye. I'm just really looking humbled. Humboldt is the last thing you are.

I am humbled. You're not humbled. I say I am. You're not humbled. 499, actually excuse me, 497 golden mics in my arsenal. It means a lot. It does mean a lot. You can have the fucking trophy.

Thank you. You cannot be humbled. I am humbled. Yeah. Did you not give yourself that? I have to take that, that adjective from you because like there's no way. I'm the humbled one. I'm over 500 on this fucking award show, which by the way, it's like it should be at least

a coin flip as to like who wins or not. It's not a coin flip. Maybe. Yeah. Maybe you get it. That's glib. I'll tell you, that's glib blooming phone. It's cynical and it's tacky and it's not becoming of a podcast host.

It's not becoming at all. And that's why you're not becoming a podcast host. That's right. You're fired. Me? No, you're doing great. Great job, everybody. Thanks for listening.

Thank you. Thanks for writing in. The email address after all this stuff is ifirishowatgmail.com. Send those theme songs, send those questions. We're still reading. We're still analyzing. Even after all these years, 499 down. Wow.

The big 500. Very cool. We really got to figure out what we got to do, especially if we're doing that tour idea that I had. Yeah. If we're going to do the living room tour only for vaccinated people who have listened to every single episode. Yes.

Yeah. That's going to be a reach. And they have to live in the continuous United States at least. At least. We can't travel abroad, unfortunately. Or the land ought to be spilt in. Don't you guys worry. Yeah.

And it's nothing in between. So those are the first two of 55 stops that we're doing. Right. Let me look up who wrote this. Do you remember who wrote that insane Bo Burnham opening theme? Yeah. It was Rujeri. Nice.

Dom Rujeri. Let's hear the full version. Yes. We just listened to the first half at the top. Here's the rest of Dom Rujeri, Bo Burnham's 30, aka 30. Wow. See you guys next week. Thank you.

I think this could be an episode where I get the gold in Mike or not. Like. And that's a 30. And that's a 30. And that is a 30. I used to have some style. I used to do sketch comedy. The proof is in the smile.

Remember that? Well, that was me. Now I got the 30. No. Remember that? Well, that was me. Now I got the 30. No.

We started up a podcast with Jake and I as two cool dudes around the world. We broadcast headgums on if I were you. Yeah. And I started headgum. Now I got the 30. Oh, god damn it. Just fucking sit. I got the 30.

I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30.

I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30.

I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30.

I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30.

I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30.

I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30. I got the 30.

I got the 30. Jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the turdy, jump the tur all the golden mics now and stupid jaykats all the golden mics now and stupid jaykats all the golden mics now stupid fucking shiny golden mics now got half a thousand of these turdies i'll win another 500 telephony

joke for a golden mic man that was a hit gum original