If I Were You - 5: Seize the Cheese

Episode Date: June 3, 2013

In this episode we discuss cool dads, nerdy friends, and foul balls.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, this show starts now. Fake and lame. Wow, you dick. That was my sister. Welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. That's right.

And that intro song was written by Jake's sister. One of my sisters, Rachel. Thank you very much. Frachy. Now there's three of you left. I expect three more songs in our inbox by the end of the night. One for my brother too. Yeah.

At least four more. One from every sibling in your family, and two from each parent. Yeah, that's fair. Your brother did the artwork for our show, and my family hasn't contributed jack shit. Thanks for the support. Yeah, sure you've listened to it, but what else? Sure you listened to it, and then raised me, mom and dad, but what else? But what else is how you should start every morning?

You wake up and go downstairs. If your ages one through 18, go downstairs every morning and say, well, what else? Thanks for the shelter in life you've provided, but what else? Do I deserve nothing else? Breakfast? Great. That'll do for now. You should always be asking what your parents can do for you.

Not what you can do for your parents. We're like a bad JFK. You want to... JFK was a bad JFK. Thank you. Sorry. You want to apologize for your voice? Yes, I'm apologizing for my JFK joke and for my voice.

Two apologies within the first 98 seconds of this podcast. I have a cold, so I apologize, but the real person who should be apologizing is you, who gave me this cold. You listener. You shitty listener. You gave him a cold. How did you even do that? So the name of the game is If I Were You.

We get emails, real emails from real people to our Gmail account, and it's If I Were You show at gmail.com. We sift through every single one. We read them all. They're all great in their own unique way, and we answer the ones that we think we can provide the best advice for in a humorous way. That's correct. The emails have been great.

We get like 50 to 100 a day. We're overwhelmed with how awesome and a lot of them are just compliments saying, great job on the podcast. Yeah, I don't think a single question has started out with, hey, shitty podcast. Now, here's a problem that I have, because those people stopped listening to the podcast before we get to the email. That's right. That's the beauty of a podcast.

The terrible people don't listen to it. Oh, that's cool. Well, they're not terrible for not liking our podcast. Right. What does that mean? Hey guys, welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet that you suck if you don't listen to. Don't worry, if you're not listening to it, you will never hear these insults.

And if you are listening, then you are listening, then you don't. We like you. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. All right, let's get to the questions. It's only a half hour. We got to get through as many as we can. Yeah, rapid fire. This is the lightning round.

We're going to answer 30 questions in 30 seconds. Can you imagine? God, that's way too fast. Here we go. Wow, and that's it. And time. This one is from Lucille. Fake name to preserve your anonymity.

That's correct. Lucille says, I'm in secondary school in the UK and I'm starting to be accepted into the more cool slash normal group. However, I have many nerdy slash weird friends and they often invite me to gatherings. I don't want to attend. Also, meeting the nerdier group damages my friendship with the more normal group. How do I break away from them without seeming mean or obsessed with being cooler in quotation marks?

I don't want to seem obsessed with being cool. The subject of this email was to help me, help me, help me, help me. I swear to God, a nerd touched me the other week and I'm really starting to freak out that it's like, I don't know if it's contagious or some shit. This is so funny. You're like the character that changes in one of those teen movies. Yeah, but this is like before you've become a good person. So what we're saying is you're a bad person.

You're a terrible person that doesn't listen to your podcast. My friends who have been there for me throughout high school don't mean shit to me anymore. They keep trying to be nice to me, but this other group of people who has ignored me my whole life now sort of accepts me, so I want to ditch my old friends. Ditch the losers and hang out with the something that rhymes with losers. Losers. Yeah. Moosers.

The drug doosers. Cruisers. Ditch the losers and hang out with the cruisers. Yeah, that's not really nice of you, Lucille. Yeah, our advice is how dare you. Hang out with your nerdy friends and your cool friends because you know what, there's not much of a difference. The nerdy ones will become cool over time.

It's true. Hang out with whoever makes you happy. And then you're going to feel like a real bee. Hey, a dude, she's like 15 years old, you're calling her a bee. And then you're going to feel like a real bee for ditching your nerdy friends when they become cool and then you're going to come crawling back to them because the cool friends will have OD'd on some sort of drug and you'll be like, oh my god, I had no idea you guys were the cool ones all the whole time.

Please let me back in your group. And the nerdy ones will be like, yeah, we will let you back in your group because we preach acceptance. Wow. Oh, and so if they're going to let her back in, then hey, whatever. Shit. Yeah. Hey, kids, ditch your nerdy.

If you've seen every single teenage movie ever, you can you can alienate your friends for now, be cool, ride that wave and then, you know, grow, come back to your old friends and they'll accept you in 90 minutes or less. All right. Wait. So real quick, what was the advice that we're giving here? I think it's don't ditch your nerdy friends. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. Don't ditch your nerdy friends. Be who you are. Try to hang out with both groups. If one of those groups doesn't accept you for that, then they are not the cool group. So what if, what if, I mean, what if who she is is not liking the quote unquote nerdy group?

What if she is a cool girl? Yeah. I mean, I guess if you genuinely just don't like these people, you have a bad time when you're with them, what do you, what do you, what do you just stop hanging out with them, decline their invitations and don't decline it just to like hang out with a cool group. Right. If you actually want to hang out with them, you should. Yo, Lucille, you got to do you.

That's your advice for every person. Do you son? Do you? Do you? Yo, do you? Yeah. Well, I'm, we haven't even read the question. We should call the podcast.

Yo, do you? I'm just going to respond to every, I can answer every single email and just say, yo, do you? That's the auto response. Yeah. Do you? That's the new YOLO. I think I'm going to sit like, that's the motto. Yeah.

Do you? Bad. Really? All right. Next question. This one's from George Michael on the bus to university the other day. I was talking about how much I wanted to slam this girl only to find out that she was sitting two rows behind me and well within earshot and was disgusted by what she heard

me said. How should I go about rectifying the situation so we can still hopefully get down and dirty one day in the near future? Jake, how do I go about this? Did you notice that he didn't ask your advice? Yeah, he doesn't. He knows that I can't answer this or don't care to. He's going straight to the source.

You. I love it because he's this guy's such a pervert that he like blew it with this girl so hard like shouldn't feel mortified. He's like, oh man, yeah, she heard me like saying all this disgusting shit about her. How do I rectify this so I can still fuck the shit out of her? Yeah. How does one rebound from this? You know, I think there's a chance that she was actually into it.

I mean, if you're like a desirable guy and she heard you saying like all these like, I want to slam her like maybe maybe she's into that and she's just playing disgusted. Oh, so it's sort of like a game. Yeah. I think there's the only thing you can do is just own up that you said it and to be like, I'm, I, unfortunately, I'm sorry that you heard it, but it doesn't change the way I feel. I do want to get down and dirty with you.

Maybe don't say down and dirty because even that made me cringe a little. Just choose one and go with it. Say you want to get down or dirty with her. Hey, I'd like to get dirty with you. I'd like to get down and or dirty. Please choose one. Oh, yo, do you. This is like, this is like when someone steals your phone and like write something super

confident to like a girl you have a crush on and then at first you'd be like, no, what are you doing? But then it's like, oh, you know what? I wouldn't have the courage to do this myself. Right. This is cool. Maybe this opens up like a pen, like a box of opportunity that I wouldn't be able to access otherwise.

Yeah. You should sort of be thankful that, that she heard it because otherwise you wouldn't, you never like would have gone up to her and be like, Hey, I want to do bad things to you. I want to slam you. I would like to slam you. You should also change your language if you're like talking on a bus, like be a little more discreet.

Not. Yeah. Try not saying slam. Yeah. I feel like the advice I should be giving is how to conduct yourself on public transportation more than anything else. And you know what? For this one, don't do you.

Don't do you. Cause other people are trying to do them on the bus. They do them. You do you. You're getting in the way of them. That's the problem here. You do you tell it, interferes with them. Yeah.

I know he didn't ask for my advice, but generally I would say. And that's why you're not going to give it, buddy. Exactly right. Okay. Thank you. And that's why I was about to stop. And now moving on then. Yes.

Moving on. Absolutely. Next question comes from who? Next question comes from who? Comes from, okay. Sorry. Huh? Now I'm all like pissed.

Oh my God. Tired. Pissed. You're crying. That's not pissed. Sad. Sad is the word you're looking for. Give the advice that you were going to give.

I guess the advice is she's either, you can't come back from it if she doesn't like it. So at this point, she's either down with it or she's not. Right. So you either have to go full in 100% full throttle. You're that guy who says that she wants to, he wants to slam people. You can't like at this point do an about face 180 degrees and be like, nah, baby, that's not what I meant. That's not what I mean.

I'd like to, I'd like to cook for you. I'd like to buy you a grand slam for that. That's what I meant. So that's our advice. Question the third question, the third, this one's pretty good. This one's from Tobias Tobias. Hey guys, I'm really excited to get my first car and my dad can't wait to help me and advise me on one.

He's always talks about, he always talks about going to a car auction to get my first car and is clearly excited about it. However, I don't feel as if he has a great knowledge on cars and I don't want to risk getting a terrible car that he keeps breaking, but I also don't want to hurt his feelings. Do I go with him and spend money on a potentially bad car or go with someone else, such as my best friend's dad, who is a professional mechanic behind his back? That is that dad's worst nightmare. Yeah, holy shit.

We're going to forward this to your dad. Just talk about, nothing would break a dad's heart more. A dad who's been looking forward to going to a car auction with his first born son to buy him a car and you come home with dangling keys. Hey dad, guess what? I went with Mikey's dad instead. You know, he's sort of like, nothing but you went by yourself or you went with another dad, a better dad, dad 2.0.

Actually, I really like other dad. Is there a chance? I think I'm just going to call him dad and dad, I'm going to call you Roger or something. It's extra insulting because his name is Dennis. You know, I just really, I don't know, I really get along with other dad more than you. Actually, mom's going to start dating other dad. He's a cool mechanic. He knows what he's doing.

I'm going to start calling you Uncle Roger because that's how close you are to me. That is, yeah, shit. Your dad is like also, it's just insulting for a guy to be told they don't know anything about cars too. It's like, let alone the dad thing, it's just like, hey man, you suck at cars. My best friend's dad is a professional mechanic. That's so sad for the current dad. I mean, I don't know anything about cars.

My son's best friend's dad might definitely know more about cars than me. I don't think I would be insulted that he went with another dad to get a car though. Yeah, but that's you. Well, because like you don't care about cars anyway. This guy's like, this guy's like, the fact that he even knows that car actions, car auctions exist. Right. He's like, let's go to a car auction.

I've never heard of a kid that's like parents are going to buy him a car and then he's like, but I don't want my dad to buy me a car. I want this other dad to like choose the car. You ingrate. You're getting a car. What is a car auction? What's the deal there? Well, the ones that I've heard of are like cars that are like, you know, taken away

from people or like used in crimes or something like impounded cars and stuff like that, cars that people can't keep their payments up on. The police take them and then sell them at an auction for like a significantly lower price. Oh, I guess I'd do that. Why doesn't everybody do that? I think because there's a chance there was a murder in that car. Right.

And people just don't know about it. Also, there's a there's a chance that I have no idea what car options are and that is a police seizure. So yeah, just like every piece of advice we give, take any information I give with a grain of salt because there's a more than 50% chance it was complete bullshit. Hey, I learned this on a podcast. The host did give a disclaimer that he was a moron and never knew what he was talking about.

You just walk into a police station, one car please. I'm here with my best friend's dad. You're so I'm getting arrested already. Oh, God, they confessed to the murder and the Buick. They take your car, sell it to this kid and his best friend's dad. That is so rude. I want to go with another dad. That's like a dad being like, Hey, son, I wanted to teach you to throw a baseball like

no, your arm, you throw like a sissy. I'm going to learn from Ryan's dad. Ryan's dad is Nolan Ryan. He named his kid Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, what makes you think that that other daddy even wants to go with you? He has his own son, his own son is an amazing car. We still haven't given him advice yet. We're just chastising you for taking your dad for granted.

You know, I'm really surprised that people keep emailing the show because what we do, you know, half the time is just make fun of them, right? We just reduce you to rubble, then sometimes forget to even give advice, but we really do appreciate it. And that email again is if I were you show at gmail.com, yes, so if you want to get insulted and call it email us in, right? A really dumb question or question you think is valid and we'll, you know, we'll find the flaws in it.

You don't have to worry about that. You can also go to if I were you show.com to listen to all the podcasts and see, you know, the email address and all that information over there. Cool. So did we give this kid advice? Go with your dad? Yeah. Well, I guess if you're like very concerned, maybe you could suggest going with your friend

and his dad. Also, maybe your friend's dad can impart some knowledge on your dad, but I wouldn't like cut your dad out of the process altogether, especially because I highly doubt you're paying for the car yourself. You want like, let your dad be involved. This is a big moment. It's a big moment in his life, just as it is like a big moment in your life. I imagine like the kid like, Hey, dad, you can come along with us.

And then like the cool dad, the son and the son's friend are driving in like a really nice 57 Buick, whatever that like a Porsche Boxer. There's only, there's only enough room for three. Hey, why don't you go get us some nachos, which they have at the police auction for some reason. You could come into your Kia Sorento and when you get there, get us nachos that were seized in a minute. I mean, wait for us out in the parking lot.

The other dad, cool dad doesn't have enough money for any of the cars, so loser dad has to buy, buy the other son of car as well. Oh man, thanks Glenn. You're a real sport. Well, shucks. I didn't know I was going to be buying two cars. Golly, hey, I can always get another job or something. Yeah, that sounds great, buddy.

Pretty cool, right, son? Two cars from your old man. Shut up, dad. You're embarrassing me in front of Uncle Tony. Uncle Tony, you're the best as he takes a check from regular dad for Glenn. All the car show models are hanging on Uncle Tony to you. Whoa, who's the guy that bought two cars? Well, actually, shut up, loser.

Yes, sir. I'll be in the car. Oh man. Was there a sandwich that was seized in the last week? Get out of here. Yeah, absolutely. I will. Get out of here, Glenn.

I'm really, really hot. You have to go away now. In fact, Trish over here kind of wants a car herself. Oh golly, I don't know. Sheila's sort of a... Let me... Oh, Sheila's with me now. You don't have to worry about Sheila.

Okay, very good. Yes, absolutely. Ha ha. Holy mackerel. Oh, get... He's putting me in a noogie. He is putting me in a headlock. Someone's dunking my head in the hot nacho cheese.

Nothing. Why was this seized? What sort of terrible crime took place that they had to seize the cheese? Ha ha. That's another mug that we're making. Seize the cheese. Seize the cheese and you do you. You can also go to seizethecheese.com to see our website.

I'd love to check if that domain's available right now. Should I check it right now? Seize the cheese. Ha ha. What are the odds that it's available? I think... 25%. I...

There's no way. Really? No way? It is a rhyme. I think there's no way it's available. The thing is, we're recording this on Friday and uploading it on Monday, so we have an entire weekend to get through it to buy this domain. Seizethe.com is taken, of course.

Seize. Day, obviously. Seize the cheese. Seizethecheese.com is available. Holy shit. You guys, if you're listening, go to seizethecheese.com right now. Because we bought it. We were forwarding it to our website.

We have no idea what we're going to do with seizethecheese.com, but we do own it. By the time you're listening to this, we own it and we're going to do something, something insane, like forward it to our other website. Yeah, like a URL forwarding or something crazy, or you'd shoot. We're going to have Glen pay for it. It forwards to Cool Dad's porn site. Cool Dad's so cool that he has his own porn site. It's just him sitting in Indian style kicking off.

With those two kids. Holy shit. It's kidney porn. Cool Dad was never cool at all. He was some sort of molester from the get go. Seize the portion. Seize the portion. Seizetheportia.com is available.

Seize the cheese. Seize the portion. Seizetheportia.com is definitely still available for you guys. Seize the cheese. I can envision myself buying that in the next two days. All right. Yeah. Yeah.

Ooh. Solid answer. Go us. That was our longest answer to date. Close to nine minutes. Wow. You want to take a breather? Do you have to clear your throat?

Do you have to take a sip of water? Yeah. Well, I've been sipping water. I have to. I don't know. There's nothing. I need to chop my nose off and just like empty my brain into a bowl and put it back on. Yeah.

Whenever I have a cold, I always wonder, like, if you just, if I died and then he sliced my face open and like opened my face, like the top of a cookie jar, how much snot would be everywhere? Yeah. Like where does it come from? Because I blow it so much. Yeah. And then it's just like, no.

More. More. More. More. Like my body doesn't produce anything as fast as it produces snot when I'm sick. Yeah. I wish it did. I wish it could produce muscle like this, dude.

Yeah. Can you just like have like pecs that's just like pure buccal holly saccharide? Jack-stacked. Putting up racks, dude. Jack-stacked. Putting up racks. I'm jack-stacked and I'm putting up racks. Okay?

You think anyone said that? Not making fun of someone who said that? I wonder. I really hope. You know, a few, a few months ago, I said, remember, were you there when I said, you said Hugh Jackman? Has anybody ever called him, called him Hugh Jacked Man? Yeah.

Yeah. No, I was not there. Oh. Hugh Jackman, I was like, has anybody ever called him Hugh Jacked Man as a nickname? And I Googled it. Turns out yes. So. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today, you can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional, licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com, slash if I were you. Check them out.

Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store.

They have 24-7 live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy Amir Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. Maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up.

Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code, if I were you, to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase.

Thank you, Squarespace. I have no idea why I told that story. Let's just answer the next question. All right, this one is from Buster, fake name, really meal. It has been a long lifelong goal of mine to catch a foul ball at a baseball game. I was at a baseball game recently with my girlfriend and we were sitting on the third baseline. It was the top of the fourth and I hear a crack in the bat.

All of a sudden the ball is coming right for us. I brought my glove to the park that day. I reached up and I caught it. Here's where it starts to get tricky. I love this guy's writing. I showed up to my girlfriend and she told me to give it to the kid who is sitting next to me. I tell her, no, this is mine.

I've been waiting 23 years for this moment. The kid heard her say that I should give the ball to him and now he's staring at me. I still decline. After an argument, I reluctantly give the kid the ball. My girlfriend is still pissed at me that I didn't give it to him right away. What should I have done slash do? That's amazing because now you have nothing. It's gone so badly that you feel guilty that you didn't do it right away.

Your girlfriend's mad at you. You don't have the ball. Oh, for three. The kid probably hates you a little bit because he's like, that guy gave me the ball but it was very begrudgingly. Whatever you decide you're committing, the second you kept the ball, the second you said, no, I've been waiting for this moment for 23 years, don't give him the ball. Ball in the pocket because then your girlfriend's going to be mad at the kid sad but you have

the ball. At this point. Or you just give it to the kid right away and it's like you're upset but your girlfriend thinks you're awesome and the kid thinks you're awesome and the kid has a ball. That's probably the best case scenario, by the way. Because you still caught the ball. That was your goal. What's the point of, okay, now I have the thing that I caught?

Yeah, you've just done it. Yeah, you caught the ball, give it to a kid, buy a ball, put it up in your house. One of my favorite things that he said is I brought my glove to the park that day. You do that every single day. I've been dreaming about this moment for 23 years, like I happen to have my glove and I'm sitting on the third base line. You were, you went there with your glove to catch the ball, it was not like a lot of happenstance.

The weird thing is this was a double A Richmond Flying Squirrels Facebook game, summer league split squad. Blaze left field. Holy crap, it's Brett Butler himself. I mean, I guess, I think the, in the moment, the thing you should have done is just lie and been like, no, I'm giving it to my nephew. Oh, that's really good. I'm giving it to another kid and then she's like, oh, okay, oh, yeah, you're right, you're

right, your nephew will love it or like some other kid in your life. And then you're like, still kind of a good guy. You tell her that you gave it to him and... You can keep the ball under your pillow at all times. Right. And then you post to her, you guys are married, you raise kids, then she finds the ball when you're moving from your house to an old folks home. This is the end of your life and she just divorces you as a 70 year old.

You're still 15 somehow. It was a magical ball, don't ask how. So the way you misplayed it was not sticking to your guns right away. If you wanted to keep the ball, you should have kept the ball. I agree. But what can he do now? But does the kid, does the kid even deserve it? Like the kid was sitting next to me.

Right. And nobody gave you a ball your whole life and you caught one like now, you should have, I mean that kid will remember, like now he's done, he'll never try to catch a ball. And you know what? He's learned a bad life lesson. Shit gets handed to him. No, absolutely not. How is that fair for him?

You've done that child a disservice. This is what you should be saying to your girlfriend on the car, I know. You're just holding the ball in your hand so happy. What? Did I also catch a silver platter for me to just serve this kid on? I mean, this is an absolute crying rage. This is a shame. So I think what you should say to your girlfriend now is like that you're, I mean, she should

respect that you spent 23 years trying to catch a ball and you finally did and you didn't want to give it up. And you did so, but you did it reluctantly and you did it to make her happy and to make the kid happy at your own expense, the expense of your own happiness. So she should forgive you. And you failed. You're 0 for 3. You're batting 0 for this game.

And for your life. Yeah. All right. I think we have time for one more question. Yeah, can I get P? I'm just going to go P. Yeah. Should we cut this out or should I just speak the question while you're in the bathroom?

Yeah, I really have to P. So I've been drinking a lot of water because it's cold. I'll read the question while you urinate. All right. I'll be right back. I'll bring the microphone to the bathroom so that we can totally hear it. All right. This question is from Lindsay.

Hey, I'm here and Jake. My name is Lindsay and I'm in a bit of a predicament. I live in one of the rougher neighborhoods in Canada. No such thing. I already know this is a lie. And recently learned that one of my best friends stole my LED TV. It went missing a month ago. And just two weeks ago, my friend invited me over to play Xbox on what I think is my

old TV. I'm afraid to confront him about it because I don't want to lose him as a friend. Help me, Amir and Jake. You're my only hope. So just to recap, Lindsay lost her TV. Somebody stole it. Her friend invited her to her house and she thinks that her friend invited her over to play Xbox on the TV that she stole.

How does she confront this new friend that she doesn't want to lose for some reason? She doesn't want to lose her friend that stole her TV. Yeah, because those... God forbid. Yeah, yeah. I value this friendship and obviously my friend values my belongings. I'd hate to cut him or her off because she obviously steals a lot of stuff from me. We have this sort of mutually beneficial relationship where I like her company or his company and

they like my shit. Yeah. She's a borderline prostitute or pimp, I guess, and your friend is the prostitute. I don't think I understand that metaphor. Because she's paying to hang out with her friend. Oh, I see. But she's paying in LED TVs instead of money. So you're a John.

That's what she is. She's not a pimp. Yeah, yeah. She's a John. You're a John. Your friend's a prostitute. And she wants to keep this relationship going. Or should she confront him?

Also, how does she know that that's her TV? Yeah. Also, if it is her TV, what crazy audacity this friend has to invite her friend over to play Xbox on the TV that he stole? It's kind of weird because they make a lot more than just one TV. Yeah. And a lot of the times people will get the same TVs because there's deals on Amazon or Best Buy.

Right. So there's a chance if both of you guys needed new TVs at the same time, you got the same TV. Right. I guess there's also a chance that both of you needed a TV and then you bought one and then he or she stole it. Or it's so obviously hers. But then it's like, why invite the friend over?

Maybe you could go find your order number or your receipt and you can get the serial number from the TV. And then surreptitiously find it while your friend is in the bathroom. Right. And then in that case, I wouldn't confront him or her about it. I would just call the police and tell them. But if you order it online, you'll have the serial number or if you like, oh, is this advice because you're afraid to lose the friend?

I'm giving you advice on getting your TV back. The more important item in your life. I mean, I think you're afraid of losing the friend by accusing them of stealing the TV. And you should only be worried about doing that if you're not a hundred percent sure the TV is yours. But if you are. If it's definitely your TV, then have no fear about losing the friend because they're going to go to jail.

They're a club to maniac. You're owed a TV in this case. Or you have the police seize it and then have Glenn and his friend go and buy it and some sort of TV auction. Seize the T's. Seize. Seize the TV's. Not B's.

Are we going to do something with SeizeTheCheese.com? I really, I very much like to own SeizeTheCheese.com. Look at it fossil. I don't know. But I could picture a world in 10 years where Domino's just buys it from us for a million dollars. So it sounds, it sounds like a Pizza Hut slogan or Domino's sort of like something's going to happen with it, dude.

Just trust me. We're buying Seize the Cheese. The thing is in 10 years a million dollars we'll only buy a medium pizza from Pizza Hut. I mean, well, the way our economy is going, can we talk about this people? Wow. Finally, we're getting through the shit we want to talk about in the podcast. Inflation. Okay.

Stagflation. You know where this started with was JFK. Started from some sort of bottom of the episode and now we're here. Started from the bottom. Now we're here. Seize the, yeah, like an ad sales person's like, we already thought of the slogan. They already greenlit it. Let's just spend the money on the damn website.

There's some, there's some like marketing guy that's like, all right, yeah, we got it. They got our idea. Just get the website. We, um, we don't have the website. What do you mean? You don't have the website. We shot the commercial. We went and pitched it.

We shot the commercial where it was like a dead poet society parody where some cool English teacher standing on a desk imploring the classmate to seize the cheese. We already shot it. It's in the can. These domain owners are icing us. They won't take any offer. Offer of a million, a million dollars. Did you offer it for a million dollars in cheese?

Seize the cheese. What do we just don't buy it? That'd be fun. Don't buy it. This is our gift to you. First person to listen to this podcast and by seize the cheese, but no, I really want it. Yeah.

It's funny cause like anybody listening to it. Well, I guess they probably already went to it, but like it'd be funny if somebody listening to it right now is just like, oh my God, wait, they didn't, they didn't get it. I don't think they got it. Just go to seize the cheese right now. No, no, no. We're now we're definitely getting, I'm staring at a screen right now that says

seize the cheese.com is available. Right. How much is it? Like eight bucks? It's eight dollars. We go havesies on this. Go Dutch for each. We're each making at least half a mil within a couple of years.

Yeah. Yeah. And we split it, right? Only, uh, guess what? I just bought seas the cheese from my phone. Impossible. And it's entirely mine. Refresh the page.

Loser. No, no, no, no, no. I thought of it. That's right. I'm rich. I'm rich. You're still on the bathroom. I just cured my cold with cheese.

Ah. And that's our time. That is our time. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of If I Were You. Again, the email address is we promise we won't make fun of every single person that writes in. Just some of them. The email address is if I were you show at gmail.com or you can email if I were you

show at seize the cheese.com. We are still starting every show with a new fresh user submitted created theme song. We still haven't settled on one. I think we don't have to ever settle on one. Yeah, it'd be kind of cool if we didn't. The shtick is just new theme song every episode written by one of you guys. Again, send it to ifirishow at gmail.com. Oh, you know what we wanted to do was the audio question.

Oh, that's right. That is right. If you guys are tech savvy enough to actually record your voice asking the question instead of typing it out, it would be cool to do questions that way where we can hear your voice and we can answer it. That way we can make fun of your voice in addition to the question. What if this person had a stupid voice and we're just sitting here making fun of your syntax.

That's not fair to us. It's not fair to the viewers. Seize the cheese. Seize the cheese. We're just forcing it as a tagline to everything. You do you. Seize the cheese. Seize the cheese.

Record your voice. Send that voice file in as a question. As a you do you file. Yeah. A W-Y-D-Y. A .Y-D-Y file. Anything else? That's just so quick to come up with the acronym for you do you.

Thank you. Yeah. Shit. I didn't mean to compliment you like that. Wow. Yes. Something else. We have a couple of live shows coming up.

11 specifically. 11 specifically. We have one coming up on June 13th, I believe is the date at the UCB Theater in New York on the west side. That's going to be the College Humor Live Show. It's going to be very funny. If you live in New York, reserve tickets and come and then we also have 10 shows in London starting on June 25th, I want to say.

Yeah. Tuesday, maybe June 25th and we're doing two shows a night and some of the shows might be sold out but we might be releasing more shows soon. Anyway, seize the cheese, grab the tickets and let's let's. You have this. Yeah, dude. That's like that's the that's the motto for life. Seize the cheese.

Yes. We're going to end every episode with people saying seize the cheese. It'll be like our version of Pete Holmes is keep it crispy. That's right. Take that Pete. He's not listening to this. Let's end it with Leia's beautiful song, untitled but probably called If I Were You show theme song.

Thanks so much Leia and thanks so much everybody for listening. If I were you, I'd shit myself, I'd slit myself, I'd commit myself, if I were you show.com. Seize the cheese.