If I Were You - 50: Swinging

Episode Date: January 6, 2014

In this episode we discuss rejection, trust, and how to sleep with your friends girlfriend.This episode is brought to you by SlugBooks.com! Check out SlugBooks.com/Amir or SlugBooks.com/Jake for the cheapest way to get college textbooks. (And awesome versions of us as cartoon logos.)See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

J and A. Nice to see you. Please don't bounce. Let's go. Yeah. Hashtag dog? Alright. Okay. Alright. Okay. Alright. Turn it up, Mom. If I were you show, get it. You do you, you do me, you do you do you do you. Looking for a better way to get a bit of help is that I've seen friends or family or check out with a shrink. Seize cheese, pimp, philosophers, a little bit of advice, a little bit of humor, somewhere between like zeros and eros. Tinder game? Match match. Y'all can't cheer me up, rad. Dude's talking there here, working hardly. They're recording in basements and it's still late. Are they grown children? They read my Q and put insults under everything I report to them and yet

I haaaan't. Let that towel cave go and absorb waves. Got that Kobe Brice Island, just an audiophile. Funny. Put them on blast, but stick around for these clowns for I have a master vast respect and esteem for their sound. Trust them, this is J-A-K-E-A-N-D-A-M-I art with culture. Scoring dimes and Jake was 14 with Amir just cussing. Halfway across the country in this flashback, that's that gushing. Jake and Amir. Now they can't tell us something. Give advice to the people. iTunes rate five stars. Jake and Amir. If they can't tell you nothing, they just amuse the people. Beast in that regard. Tight. How do we go back? This is the moment. Hey, that was fun. That was great. We were

going to cut it off, but then we just thought it was so entertaining that we just kept it going. That's true. It's a good way to start our 50th episode. 5-0. 5-0. And our 50th and our last episode. Thank you. We wanted to run. Yeah, we wanted this to be a finite body of work and I think 50 is appropriate. It's a good number. And we appreciate everything. We appreciate y'all. And I'm sure you guys even more so appreciate us. I think more than anything we're appreciated. In fact, I'm starting to resent you because I'm not sure you appreciate me enough. Sure you appreciate me a lot, but I'd like to be more appreciated. I'd like to be idolized. I'd rather be worshiped. I want to be a false prophet to you people.

I want to be a God, an idol. I want to be a false idol to you. Yes. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. And that was Thomas and his rap group is called The 28th Minute. Cool. Thanks Thomas. Cool. Anyway, you're over it because he spent probably days mixing it. Cool. Bye Thomas. All right. Let's get right into the show. It's my time to shine. What the fuck? What did he want to talk about Thomas? You want to talk about him more? Yeah, he made the song. We played it. He said his name. He said, what's the name of his rap group? We told him the unforgettable name. What was it? What was it? The Tank Engine some shit. Thomas. He's got a rap group called

Thomas. It was The 28th Minute. The 28th Minute. There it is. There's the props we were looking for and yeah, it actually is our 50th episode. Yeah. Crazy. One episode for our combined ages. No. Well, yeah. You know that. You know numbers. Right. Right. Your age plus my age obviously isn't 50. No, it's obviously not. Yeah. What is it obviously? 58. Ass. Diva. So how does it work? We take advice to the people and give it to the country. It labels out here and they can't tell us nothing, I guess. We give back to the people and spread our advice around the country. That was a tight part. People email us because they're in difficult places in their lives and they're looking for advice and we read a couple questions

and try to answer them and give them the advice as best we can on this here podcast. Is that about it? We're going to do our best, boss. Let it go. Holy shit. Holy shit. I don't want to host it with you anymore. This is the first episode we recorded in three weeks. This is the longest break we've taken before. I feel completely out of it. I forgot I fucking had a podcast. I was home. I was with my family. I was with my friends. I spent two days editing the best of their 2013. Yeah. Close to four, four and a half hours a day going through the question. I partied in my shed with my brother. Yeah. And it was the best fucking two weeks of my life. Yeah. I forwarded you some questions and were like, Hey, what do you think about this one?

What do you think about this one? You said, not now, dude, not now, dude. I'm on a mental vacation. Mental vacay. Yeah. And then at one point you called it a mental staycation. Yeah. I was not coming back. And that's when you flew out to New York and ripped me out of my bed at my parents' house. I don't think that was cool. I thought it was necessary. Of course. So why don't we get this party started? Let's do it. All right. We need a theme. You said the Niners won today. I see you wanted to go with the Niners. Yeah, the Niners. All right. San Francisco. 1949ers. They were named after the San Francisco Gold Rush, which was earlier in the 1940s. Right after, right after WW2. So that was when everybody

was heading out to Cali. You know, a little gold rush. It is funny to call them the 1849ers. That's like not their full name, but it's, it's a funny, the New York Knickerbock. Yeah. Yeah. But like that I've heard before, but I've never heard of the San Francisco 1849ers. All right. So this one is a real email from a real person. We're going to give him a fake name to preserve his anonymity. Oh, we're back, baby. Yep. We're back. Yep. We're back. Yep. I'm so happy I could cry. Oh, Jesus. What? You are crying. Don't say I could cry. I'm so happy I am crying. Is that correct? I'm so happy I'm obviously crying is what you meant to say. I'm clearly weeping now from happiness. I'm so happy that I am. Tears of joy are coming out of me.

I'm so happy I'm crying. So Colin Kaepernick writes. Is that yeah, would you usually repeat the name? Colin Kaepernick. Hey guys, my girlfriend 23 sometimes sleeps over at her friend's house and sleeps in his bed with him and his girlfriend. I didn't think I had a problem with this until she mentioned that she sleeps in her underwear only. Furthermore, sometimes the girlfriend isn't there. So it's just my GF in her underwear and bra and her male friend. I trust this guy and I doubt anything would happen intentionally. But the idea that my GF might inadvertently get her ass poked during the night with not but a cloth barrier disturbs me. Is this an acceptable qualm? And if so,

how can I have her stop? Have fun with this. But please give me some advice too. Love Colin Kaepernick. I love that at this point our fans are having to reel us in. It's just like, hey, definitely make it funny. But please do remember this is an advice podcast. I do need advice on this. Extract your yuck yucks. How high everyone's having a fun little time at the end of the day. I almost feel bad. We're doing a disservice at this point. If people need to remind us that they need advice. By the way, it's like, yeah, you can have your cake. But remember to eat it too at the same time. We really... Episode 50, I think you guys aren't allowed to get off the rails and stay there. You need to find a way to bring it back. Yeah, reel it in. This is like a very subtle

passive blast. It's not, he's not pulling, putting us on full blast, but he's basically... And I appreciate that, because we're recording this podcast on a Sunday night. And I don't think I really deserve or need or want a Sunday night blast. Yeah, this isn't... I don't think I need to be put on a Sunday night blast. I really don't. It's that we want to start the new week off, right? And this passive blast is pretty much all my ass can handle. Yeah, yeah. I think a passive blast. Yeah, a passive blast. So, things have gotten from bad to worse in this question. Yeah, I mean, wow. Why, first of all, I love the... I trust this guy. Why don't? He's sleeping in a bed with your girlfriend. That already violates the trust in my eyes. If you're like in your

if you're 23 years old sleeping over in a boy's bed, that's... Yeah, that's... That's a no. That's a grounds for determination of the old relationship there. That's a red light. And then, so you were... At the very least, it's a yellow for yield. Oh, look, I was cool when I thought it was... When he was having a three-way, okay, but while I find out it was just a twosome, just as due to my girlfriend, that's not cool. It almost is worse, where it's like, if my... If your... If one's girlfriend had a cheated on you with a threesome, it's like, oh, that's kind of a crazy weird time, but if it was just one other guy, it's like, oh, that's not... It's less people, but it's

somehow worse. No, no, because... Oh, are you kidding me? I think... If you had a girlfriend, you would rather have her cheat on you in a threesome? With another girl and another guy. That's what you'd rather... Than one other guy. That blows my fucking mind. Well, what about an orgy? The more people that it is, the less personal it is and the less big of a deal it is. Well, like, it's such... You... That's why the worst thing... You're jealous that I'm not... I didn't get to be a part of it. Like, if my girlfriend wanted to have a three-way with a dude and another girl, I would be like, fuck you. I wasn't there for that. That should have been me. That was my threesome to have. Well, this is my rank. Like, a 4G is

fine, because it's like a wild knight. Threesome, that's pretty bad. A duo, that's like the worst. And the ultimate worst is to hear if your girlfriend masturbated. Then it's just her, she's cheating on me with you. Oh, disgusting. You fucking touched yourself? Do I have to kick your ass? That's my hand. You flick your bean with my hand. That's the hand that I hold in the pussy. I fuck. You're not allowed to touch either one of them. Ma'am? I think... No, because it's... I understand what you're saying. Like, a single thing, like a one-on-one is like an emotional cheat, as well as a physical cheat. And an orgy or a three-way is just a physical cheat, because it's sort of like this crazy experience. But like, I would feel so jealous that my girlfriend

gave some dude the best night of his life. I don't want that to be happening for somebody else. They're both bad. My fucking property. She's my, she's my shirt, she's my jeans, and you can't wear them. Trying to figure out a nice way to say I own whoever I'm dating. What is it? Like, when you own something, but it's not like a lamp or something. Like, it's like a dog. Like a human slave. It's like a pet. Oh, she's my pet. All right, sorry, I almost... I don't want to get any hate mail for that shit. So everyone beware that I'm calling girls pet. Yeah, I'm not... Just know that I'm just saying that this thing is mine. I don't mean like a property like, oh, this is my lamp. This is my pencil. You can't borrow it. No, no, no. It's like,

this is my cat. This is my dog. This is like my lizard. Whatever, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so... So that's your property. Next question. Oh, my god. In all... All right, we had our yuck, yuck. So please give him some advice too. I would break up with this girl. She's not good. Well, I mean, the thing is, she hasn't broken any rules because you haven't ever expressed... She's broken implicit rules, which is not sleeping in a bed of your friend with an underwear. But this guy also sounds like he's very lax and like he doesn't really care. I like how he's like, I doubt anything would happen intentionally, but it really gets me to think that he might have a morning wood and poker underwear. That's what brings you out.

You're so petty and you're really failing to see the big picture, which is that he's fucking her all night. Don't worry, he's not poking her cloth. You better just hope they're using a condom. They're definitely having three-way sex. That's the cloth that he's poking over, that's a goddamn rubber. I would, I think, I guess like you could say, hey, I don't want you to do this anymore and see how she takes it and if she won't do it, then break up with her. But if it's me, I'm just saying, hey, this has eaten away at me for a long time. I think it's awful. I think you're awful. Goodbye forever. Or what if she's like, whoa, I'll just stop doing it. Geez, that's, I wish you had expressed explicitly that you didn't like me sleeping in the same bed as

her, my friend and her, his girlfriend. I shouldn't have to. Goodbye forever. All right, I guess I'm going to go back to fucking this guy or sleeping her. I said I was going to hang out with this guy and his girl. I guess I can see her if you could, if you ask her to stop and she just is like, oh yeah, of course, I won't do that anymore. But then it's almost like she knew the entire time that she was, that it was getting away with it. And that, yeah, like, hey, I'm sorry, I really don't want you to do this. Oh, yeah. Okay, I was surprised you let me do it for this long. Yeah, holy shit. Then you, then she had some sort of moral obligation to say that what she was doing, someone should have called someone out at some

point during all of this. There's four fucking people involved and they're acting like it's a normal thing. Yeah, why is it on us? Why isn't my responsibility to slap sense into this guy? Doesn't he have any friends? Am I old? Am I too old? Is that what people do? Is that cool? Relax, grandpa. Yeah, people sleep in beds with other people. Now I'm, yeah, now I'm nervous I should be doing it. Shit. You're nervous. I want to be, I want to be young and I want to be hip and I want to be cool and with it. I need to sleep in the same bed platonically as other people. Well, you're in a relationship with somebody else? Yeah, that's what I need to do. That's the thrill I need. It's also not that good. It's not nice to sleep with people that you're not

fucking. It's just, it's the, it's the not exciting parts, like not being able to roll over and there's no space. Right, because if they're really not even touching, if there's not even any cuddle, then it's just having a small bed that your girlfriend likes. Right. So there has to be at least some contact, some sort of human touch that makes her like sleeping there. Like, okay, even if we're not going to hook up, we're going to cuddle in this and that's nice. There's no chance they're not. Dude, dude. They're deaf cuddling. Look, Kaepernick, I don't know why you, like, you're a, you're a fucking, you're a winning QB. You're so tall, strong, you know, not necessarily handsome, but sort of like you're a champion. So that's, that makes you attractive.

Well, my point is that you don't have to put up with this shit. She's absolutely at the very, very least getting poked by a boner. Your biggest fear is happening and it's not inadvertent. It's verdant. It is very verdant. So just to assure you that the touches have been more than verdant. And going forward, you do not want to allow this to happen in your, in your relationship with your pet. And furthermore, keep your hamster on a tighter leash. We win or not pets. That was all a fucking bit. If you guys don't get it at this point, please listen to a couple more episodes of the podcast. You'll finally understand that I'm mostly kidding. And as long as we're apologizing for things, I called Colin Kaepernick an AFC champion.

Obviously, I know the Niners are in the NFC. There we go. And I apologize, of course, for Colin Kaepernick, Colin Kaepernick, uh, unattractive. Um, he's, he is very, he's a handsome man. He's got the pole package. And I don't, I really hate for, for him to hear this podcast that I put him on blast. Yeah. Even if Phil Dawson, their kicker, heard it and relayed the message, I'd hate for, I'd hate for Cap to ever, uh, I don't feel I deserve to be put on blast. It's all I'm saying. Mr. Kaepernick, sir. The L Kaepernick. You've got bigger fish to fry. You know, you've got a game next week. Yeah, I guess. I don't think this, oh, I, it's a fake name. I wouldn't, it's not actually.

What? Oh no. You forgot that whole part of the podcast. Um, all right. Next question. Yeah. This one's pretty great. So let's get the name out of the way right off the bat. Vernon Davis. Vernon Davis. All right. This is the entire email. Ready? Ooh, my voice crack. You hear that? Um, yeah. I'll edit that out. Right. Yeah. It'll sound like this. Ready? All right. Ready? All right. This is the email. Ready? All right. Ready? All right. Oh, shit. All right. Ready? It's stuck in a crack. It's stuck in a crack. I can't break my mother's back. All right. Ready? Yeah. Always say that. This is the entire email starting now.

What are some stuff you guys say if you get rejected and play it off like you don't care? No subject. No hello. No subject. No salutation. No, no, uh, punctuation. I'd love to know the timestamp of that email because in my mind he, he went in to kiss somebody at a bar. She said no. He pulled back, said nothing, and then went and typed this email in a bathroom. A fever text message asked a dream that said, what are some stuff you guys say if you get rejected and play it off like you don't care? Must seem normal, must seem unspaced. I know I'm going back out there to a harsh reality that I have just been rejected, denied. Please record and respond ASA now. I need to make sure it doesn't look like a myth. Well, it seems like you're in a huge rush

and you're very myth. Yeah, you're quick, man. Give me some fucking words to use, man. Another way to look at it is like an alien just being like, what are stuff you say to get rejected and play it off like you don't care? I tried to bed one of your women. An earthling rejected me not once, but twice. What is some stuff to say to make it seem like I don't care? I was promptly denied. I told her straight up. I stared at her in her forehead and I said, I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't need this. I'm going to sleep. I then passed out for what seemed like two and a half years, was actually close to seven. I checked in with the mothership. I told them I wasn't getting any. They said you have only until February to impregnate a woman human species.

And I said, dude, it's not that easy. I checked in the boys, but I've yet to hear back. That's a fun premise for a bad movie. An alien who's like one mission. Is that already a movie? What? An alien's mission is to have sex with someone. Yeah, he has to like impregnate a female woman on a female earthling and he just comes down and he can't get laid. Well, yeah, that's Hitch. It's Hitch. Yeah, Kevin James is an alien and Will Smith is his human leader. Of course. I'd never seen Hitch. Is there an actual answer to this question? I think it depends on what kind of rejection. If it's like, hey, do you want to go out on a date sometime? And she's like, hey, no, I don't think so. Or is it like I leaned into kiss her and she

moved her head and had me kiss her cheek and I feel like if it's that, I don't know. I guess it's important to remember that rejection happens to everyone. Yes, sir. Yeah, you? Yeah. Raising your hand? Never. Never. Never been rejected. I guess it's important to remember that rejection happens to everybody but Jake. I'm just kidding. It happened to me too. Yeah. Everybody gets rejected. Everybody gets rejected. And the key is to play it off like it ain't no thing. You never want to be like sad, disappointed, angry at all. You always want to be like you have other options. Yeah, like, okay, great. No worries. Yeah, like you try to kiss a girl. She's like,

oh, no, I'm sorry. I'm not really feeling like, oh, yeah, of course, that's fine. I'm going to go kiss someone over there. But don't say that, but like have that in your like, oh, yeah, fine. It's sort of like saying, it's like being at a buffet and you're like, oh, do you guys have any romaine lettuce? And they're like, no. And you're like, oh, okay, I'll just have ice. That's a little it should faze you. It's just like, oh, that's cool. You still have a lot of other, there's a lot of other food that I like here. I'll do this. I'll do this. I'll do this. Always like you have options. So text, like pretend like the text me to ask, ask me out on a date and I'll respond it with a rejection. I would never ask you out. Well, okay, pretend I'm an attractive lady

and you want to ask me out on a date. Hey, come over. Holy shit, you are direct. Hey, hey, um, hey, hey, baby. Sorry. It comes out that I don't know how to text. Hey, babe, what say we hit up a thing? How's three? Where's time? Hey, you want to go out on Saturday? Oh, no, actually, I'm super busy this week. Let me get back to maybe next week or the week after. Yeah, sounds good. So you would say, yeah, sounds good. Exclamation point. Probably. So that's the way to deal with it. That's not that wasn't a flat out rejection. Well, I mean, that's how somebody would reject someone now a day. Hey, I'm busy this week. Hey, I want to, it depends if you like ask someone super direct like, hey,

I would like, can I take you out on a date on Wednesday? Like, hey, no, I'm sorry. I'm just like doing me right now. Yeah, I don't see you like that. I'm sorry. That's totally cool. I get it. Yeah. So still the same amount. I get it. But yeah, I think you always have to, you had it, you had to respond positively and just be like, yeah, that's cool. That's your decision. That's great. You are fine. I'm going to go be fine too. Because you can never change someone's mind with a text message. Definitely. You're never ever going to be, you can never ever say the right words. It's not a teen movie. You don't get to just be like, well, I've thought about you forever or like, well, I'm not going to take no for an answer. No, you always have to take no

for an answer. That's the answer. Right. And furthermore, I'll say if it was a kiss rejection, if you leaned into kiss her, she moved her head. Then I think you have to apologize. I think you have to say, sorry. Oh, if it was like a physical advancement. Yeah. I feel like you got to say, I'm sorry. That was, that was a weird move on my part. Let's say we're like, maybe she was giving you signals and you could say, sorry, I thought that that was what I thought you would like that. Or you should say like, are you sorry? Sorry, but are you sorry for, for leading me in and then pulling away like that? That's a much harder, if it was that, then it's much harder. Right. Like, well, I guess it wouldn't be like that,

because he wouldn't have just written that email. Well, that's why we're writing it under the bar after he didn't kiss this girl. That's the glory of being a pussy and doing things over text. Right. That way you don't have to deal with shit in the moment. That's true. It's really hard. It's the worst to kiss someone and have them turn away. Yeah. That's the worst feeling in the world. That's the worst. Yeah. There's no coming back from that either. You have to just be like, okay, that was bad. I'm sorry. I'm going to go. Oh, that's fine. Okay. My worst feeling is seeing like homeless people struggle on a daily basis or like a single mother or a single father trying to support us or her family. So I think that's the worst feeling. What did you say yours was? Trying

to kiss someone and they pull away? Or did I say, I'm losing a loved one. But you care more about homeless people than actually people you love. All right. My least favorite thing to see is actually genocide. So I'm sorry. You care about crippled old war vets with drug problems. That's good. I care about innocents that never had a fair shot at a decent life. So good for you. You're saying genocide? Yeah, genocide. Okay. So for me, the worst thing is going into hugs someone and they pull out. Oh, actually, I know what that sucks. Full circle. Yeah. There's a lot of bad feelings in the world. That's the overarching theme of this podcast. We're just supposed to remind you about all that. Things can be bad. That's the name of this episode.

Things can be bad. Should we take our break now or answer one more question? I'm feeling a break. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people

over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's BetterHelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting

and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data, you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to

give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Let's do it. We got a follow up, a follow up, a follow up, a follow up. From a question we we answered over around Halloween time, which is a guy wanted to have a he had a girlfriend back at home during college and then he wanted to have a couple's

costume with a lady friend of his at college. I feel like we answered this with a guest. Was it Allison? Oh, was it? Or Emily? And we were like couple's costume is the most flirtatious thing you should do. You should probably just break up with your girlfriend. Right. And then oh, we ultimately said like group costume. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We told them to not cancel his Halloween plans to make his girlfriend happy. Right. Okay. So this he writes in December 30th, which is two months after Halloween. Hey, guys, I asked a question about going to a Halloween party doing a couple's costume with someone that wasn't my girlfriend. And you said I should go and have fun. Well, I did. And I ended up getting wasted and

cheating on my girlfriend. I told her everything about it and she dumped me. I was wondering if you or me, would you still pursue the girl I once cheated on or let her go and try to move on? Well, he wants advice again. Yeah, he wants the double advice, the double follow up pup. That's so funny. Would you say that was good advice or bad advice that we told him to go and then he cheated? Well, happy that he did. Yeah, his relationship. I mean, our overarching relationship advice always is don't stay with a girl when you go to college for the first time. Yeah. So he did it the wrong way. He should have broken up with her and then hooked up with another girl. Right. But given the options that we had, we told him to go to the party. It's unfortunate that he cheated.

Yeah. Took the coward's way out. Well, at least he told his girlfriend he just didn't stretch it out. Ultimately, he didn't take the coward's way out and fessed up like a man. You took the coward's way out and then you fessed up to being a coward, which I guess makes you a man. You took the coward's way out and the hero's way back in. Congrats, buddy. Full transformation. You went into a phone booth as Clark Kenton left his Superman. And now you're wondering if you should pursue the girl that you cheated on your girlfriend with. I guess, sure. Why the hell not? At this point. Right, you're single. You already did the bad thing, which is hooking up with her, unless it's not cool and scary and dangerous now. I thought the question was, should I pursue the girl I once

cheated on? Oh. You see what I mean about getting his ex back? Oh, would you still pursue the girl I once cheated on? Oh, yeah. Or let it go. Yeah, yeah. He is asking that. I once cheated. Or is it like talking about my girlfriend with this girl I once cheated on with this girl? No, he's talking about the girl that the girl back at home that dumped him. Should he try? Okay, no. Idiot. Shut the fuck up, man. You don't get her. You're a hero and now you're a coward again. You took the hero's way out, the coward's way in, the hero's way out again. I don't even know what the fuck is going on. There's so many twists and turns to this story. Whatever you are, you must be single. Stop it. Stop this behavior. Then you can go on all the couples costumes you want.

Ah, all right. Very nice. Good follow-up. Very Toda, very, very pup, very follow-up and very pup. How was your last three weeks? I haven't seen you since before X-mas. Yeah, wow. And now it's January 5th. Three weeks ago we were recording a podcast in the room next door to here. Yeah, with your brother. Yeah. And then you scrammed off to the east coast. Oh, that's lovely. And I stayed here. It was great. I did a nice little mix of, I, you know, raged a little bit. Yeah, you raged a little face. I raged a little face. I saw some old friends. Yeah, you saw some friends face. I went home. Yeah, you went home face. I went, I was climbing with my brother. Yeah. Some family. So I climbed face. Family times face. And then I facetimed with my family face. Went back into the city,

raged a little bit. It was lovely. It was, it was really, I would consider it a perfect, perfect vacation. I feel like I haven't done any work in three weeks the way the holidays were structured. I feel like I have, I'm a complete waste of space for the last two weeks. And that like, that's something that makes you nervous and upset. And you're like, oh, I don't feel like myself. I should be working right now. I never, I've never felt more comfortable and alive. Yeah. It's just perfectly. Your default setting is like relaxing. Yeah. You can be on vacation forever and be fine. I would never think about it. It's why it's so fortunate that we found each other because like you're the only person in the world that makes me work. Wait, why is it fortunate

for me then? It's so fortunate that we found each other because you sort of get me out of bed. I'm the only ever talking about myself. Oh, shit. I just realized that there was nothing in this for me. You're cursed. Everyone who I come to contact with is cursed. I'm blessed. I'm touched. I'm golden. You're like a virus attacking a body. And you're like, good thing we found each other because now I have your organs to feast on. I'm the anti-mightest touch. I'm gold and everything I touch turns to shit. And we wouldn't have it any other way. Toe down. I actually do secretly resent you. Okay. That actually irks me a bit. Really? Yeah. Just because I don't feel I deserve to be on a Sunday blast. I understand where you're coming from. I actually do deserve the heat,

but not the blast. You deserve the blast, the heat, the resentment. You deserve everything, every day of the week, every minute of the day. You're seething. It's making me uncomfortable the way you're seething right now. See the chief? I see the chief. I'm seething the chief. All right. Should we get back to it? Actually, you read this one. What's up? You hot shot. You diva little hot shot ass. You're afraid of how long it is. It wasn't too long for me. What's his name? Let's go with Anquan Bolden. Anquan? Anquan. Anquan. Anquan Bolden writes. Anquan Bolden writes, I've been with my current Scottish girlfriend for just under a year now and it's going swimmingly well. After going up for a

while, we introduced one of my dearest Jewish friends to one of her good Scottish friends and they have also been together for several months now. But here's the sticky situation. A few weeks ago, me and my friend were talking and joking around and then we started discussing the possibility of whether we would be up for swapping girlfriends for the night and it quickly emerged that we both very much wanted this. As let's face it, the girls are both goddamn smoke shows. We're 100% sure our girlfriends would never go for this and would probably break up with us just for discussing it. So, how do we manipulate them into thinking this is a good idea and eventually succumb them into this one night of sexy swinging? Seizing the cheese, Anquan Bolden.

Well, it doesn't sound like you're seizing the cheese yet, Anquan. It sounds like you're inquiring us to how you can be able to seize the cheese. The cheese is yet to be seized. Yeah, I like it. I like Anquan Bolden saying, we introduced her to one of my Jewish friends. Yeah, why throw that in? I don't know if I should be offended, but I guess if I'm not, it's fine. I'll allow it. I think he wants us to know that they're two Jewish dudes with two Scottish chicks, which is kind of cool. Quan is Jewish. Anytime you're dating a foreign chick, it's cool. Okay, all right. That's sort of a rule of thumb. After a long, long night of discussing details and logistics, these guys are ready to swing. Unfortunately, there's a

other part of the equation that their girlfriends are so not willing to swing that they would break up with the boys. If they even found out they discussed it. So when they run into their brick wall, they decide to ask us not how do they become better people, but rather, how do we hypnotize them to make them think that this is a good idea? It's also so funny. We were joking around about if we'd be down to swing, and it quickly emerged that we are. As it were, we were both pretty much so down to have no strings attached sex with the other person's girlfriend. We decided to slowly explore the possibility, and yeah, immediately, right away, fast as lightning, we decided we wanted to fuck each other's girls. Without very much hesitation,

much doubt or time, we decided, yeah. Then we realized there was this emotional obstacle of, do we want to try to convince them? And yes, it turned out quickly that we would love to manipulate the girls we care about. He did say manipulate, right? Verbate them. He used the word manipulate. Anytime you're using the word manipulate, don't. Another rule of thumb, don't manipulate. The advice would be not to. So how do we manipulate them into thinking this is a good idea? All that being said, you just got to make it seem like it's their idea. Everybody wants to have a good idea. So you want to make them think that they have the idea, and that you guys are down, and that they're putting it on y'all. For example? You guys are all out, you're all out

getting drunker. Yeah, the Irish say a little sauce there, laddie. They said they were Scottish. Okay. And that's not what Irish people say either. I don't think you've ever left America. As the Jews say, a little sauce there, laddie. Not me frosted lucky Jews. I guess you would, you just want to like hope that it comes out like maybe that one girl's like, oh, this guy's cute, and it's like, oh, well, he thinks you're pretty. I don't know. It's not, I can't fucking create this scenario. You just have to feel it. Would you be down to fuck my, fuck my woman? You really can't, you obviously can never broach it. Maybe, maybe, maybe there's like some joking that you could do that puts it in their minds, in the back of their minds, and sort of. Oh, some inception.

But have you think, have you thought about whispering swinging into her ears while she napped? I will say there's a chance that they're down for no strings attached sex. Everybody likes sex. Don't, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're putting it on these women that they, that they want to be in a, in a mundane monogamous relationship with you and your Jewish little friend. That's not necessarily true. They might like swinging as well. In fact, once I'm done swinging, I'd like to stay with your girl. Has that ever happened the full switcheroo? Swung so hard that you stayed? Swung so hard, motherfucker, want to switch wives? That shit would be cray. Yeah. I, oh man. The other day I was like, I just like, I always, um,

needle my dad, I guess. I'm a bit of a pervert ass when it comes to my dad. So I was asking my dad, what him, I was like, what are you and mom doing tonight? It's like, oh, we're going to a party at the Cataldos. And I was like, oh, cool. He's going, he's like, ah, Claudia and Peter. He's like naming everybody that there's like, there's like eight, eight peoples. There's, there's four different couples. So it says like 10 people total. And I was like, um, would you ever consider swinging? And I was like, no. I was like, yeah, never really thought about swinging. And he's like, I, there's, I couldn't really trade up, which is the nice thing. I, it's like, I hope nobody's listening that is insulted by that. That was at that party. I'm sure they're not, but it's such a

nice thing to say about my mom. He's like, I've already reached the pinnacle. Why would I, I couldn't pull out a set of keys that puts me with a better one. That is the nicest thing your dad's ever said to anyone in your family. It's true. That was beautiful. I mean, I'm very conservative in my viewpoint. So obviously I would never do this, but would there be a time and place in your life where you would consider switching ladies with your friend? I don't think so. Cause when I commit to somebody, I get, I'm like really attached to them. I guess if it's like at the end of your relationship, we're like, but at the same time you wouldn't want your friend boning your girlfriend. No, I think I would want, if there's ever a time it would be when I was like

very casually dating someone that I did not see any future with. But as soon as I fall for someone, I don't, I would definitely not want them to be. You're just thinking about Dave Rosenberg fucking her. I'm always only thinking about Dave Rosenberg fucking the girl that I like. Even when I'm not talking about this, your default thinking is Dave Rosenberg fucking a girl that I like. One of my exes, just like somebody, somebody I care about. Always Dave Rosenberg fucking somebody I love. We should get Dave on the show. I would love nothing more. He could be our Carl Pilkington. Who's that? He's like the interesting dude on the Ricky Gervais podcast where they just pick his mind and it's just such an interesting brain.

Oh wow. I'd love to just spend an hour in it. That's, we should do one where we don't have any, we don't answer any advice. He just talked Dave Rosenberg for an hour. About his views about women, whether or not the moon is a, is an army colony. But we're stoned in Ann Arbor. That's what he was talking about, right? Yeah. Wasn't he like, he was like, we were talking about like, do we, do you guys think, we're like all talking about like, do we think the moon landing is real and everybody's talking about their fucking conspiracy theories. And then Dave was like, well, like, I'm not even sure the moon is real. Yeah. Shut the fuck up. Dave wasn't sure the moon was real. Okay Dave. Who's to say it's a moon or a

sphere of cheese that we can't reach? You're wearing a bathing suit Dave. It's November in Michigan and you're out wearing a bathing suit instead of underwear. How about this for hypothesis? I don't think you're real. I really don't think you are real. All right. So for this question, suffice to say, don't, don't bring this up. Don't try to manipulate anybody. Maybe there's a world that they want to swing on their own accord. And maybe there's a way to, to slowly hint that you guys would be down and take the first micro step in that direction. So little that it's almost not even a step. Test the waters. Here's a good way to test the waters. Right off the bat. Say you had a dream where they swung. Yeah, dreams nice. Because now it's like, oh, you can't blame

me. That's my subconscious. Yeah, that's true. Or is that very like, you know, it's another good thing. I feel like you guys are all out somewhere. Maybe you like, one of you comes back from the bathroom, puts your hand around one of the girl's waist. And it's not your girlfriend. Oh my god, I'm sorry. I thought you were, I thought you're my girlfriend. We should fuck or something. We're all joking about that. Like, oh, what if we did that? Or like pay a friend to be like, you know what, I always thought you guys would look better with the other friends. Yeah, or have a friend that just like is meeting you guys for the first time is like, who's girlfriend is who. Oh wait, let me guess, you guys are perfect for each other. I can imagine the sexual chemistry there, the sexual

chemistry there, the sexual chemistry there. This is what the guy would do. Like holy shit. He was a robot they missed program. He was a robot the whole time. And we'll totally be on the lookout for an email from a lady asking the same question. Maybe they're having the same conversation that you guys are. Me and my two, me and my smoking hot Scottish friend want to swing with these two Jews. Here's another funny way to imagine it. It's like they're in the kitchen whispering like, do you think they would go for it? That's crazy, right? Swinging. Then it like pans to the living room and the two girls are just 60, 90. Or the two girls are just being like, we really have to dump these losers. We can hear everything they're saying. They both suck. I mean, one's a Jew for crying out

loud. They're both Jew. Look at me. I'm Scots. I'm a Scotch. I'm a Scotsman. All right, that's it. We're out of time. All right. So episode 50. In the books, on the books. News and notes. What do you guys think? Let's talk about what we think can be improved right off the bat. Jake, you've been slipping in terms of you. You're being ill prepared and you're not helping out as much as you I think you should be. Okay. You're also not providing enough humorous commentary. We want to like be able to laugh. This is a very public blast, buddy. I just have a text document of 45 things. All right, you go. What do you think is wrong about me? The text document for one? You just have a piece of paper that says I love you. You're perfect. Just the way you are. Oh, shit. Well, I think

I could figure some shit out some constructive criticism. God damn it. Give me more time. That's number two. I mean, listen, you never give me enough time to work on shit. All right. Thank you guys so much for listening. Some of you guys have listened to all 50 episodes, which is pretty amazing. Incredible. Thank you. Some of you guys have only listened to 49. You're slipping. At the end of the day, that's not being supportive. That's not being helpful. But should we talk about the live podcast that we're doing? Oh, yeah. This is the first episode we've had since we announced our first live podcast and our first live show in LA, basically. We've never, ever performed in LA. So this is it. It's a pretty small theater. It's at the

UCB Theater in LA. If you go to their website on January 30th at 7 p.m., we're going to be doing a show, Get Your Tickets Fast, because it's such a small room that it actually will sell out pretty quickly, I think. So hop on that. It would be awesome to pack the room with fans of ours, specifically fans of the podcast. Yeah. So that's where we're going to advertise it here. Yeah. And only here and on our Facebook page. And on Reddit. Yeah. And on Reddit and on Twitter. Okay. Yeah. And also on our site. And jaconamere.com. Also, I'm going to hire some dudes with a sandwich board. Oh, smart. Just a flyer. Smart. That's smart. You're shitting. Yeah. That first theme song was from Thomas. And this last one is from Max and AJ. If you

have your own theme song, we start and end every episode with an all new theme song. Thanks to you guys, our talented fans. And if you guys have one or have an email or have a question of your own that you'd like to email in, that email address is if I were you show at gmail.com. We're trying to get through every single submission. So please, no submission is in vain. We also don't want to focus on relationship stuff. We're getting a lot of relationship questions, but any sticky situation that you find yourself in, professionally, personally, educationally, or in any other arena, let us know. More relationship, be. Honestly, we could. I'm not afraid of them. I'll do it. I'll have a relationship advice podcast. Don't dare me.

We can make fun of you regardless of what you ask is what we're trying to say. So thanks guys for listening to this and for listening to the first 50 episodes. Here's to 50 more before I kill myself. Later, everyone. What would you do if I were you? If I were you? Would you help me out? Give me a shout out. Would you tell me what to do?