If I Were You - 50: Wheel of Misfortune

Episode Date: October 14, 2024

In this episode we discuss scary trips, ant infestations, and reality TV.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. won't last each effort to try and stop their career from going to shit Second, another podcast, each app different from the last It's the Swiss Army knife of shows, meet to two pathetic hoes Seconds Yeah, dude I feel so alive For the very first time Yes, who sings that song and why? It's about, yeah, I think it's lit or stained

or system of a down or like poison or purpose or something like that. And it's all about like how, for the very first time you feel alive. I feel so alive. Is it like a new lease on life or is it like a drug induced thing? It's both.

And I wish I could die. Doesn't he say I wish I could die? Do you sound life or is it like a drug induced thing? It's both. Cause they're like. And I wish I could die. Doesn't he say, I wish I could die? Yeah. I wish I could die. Yeah. I feel alive for the first time and I wish I could die. I feel so alive for the very first time. Lyrics.

It's, I don't know. That's not it. It's puddle of mode. It's puddle of mode. I feel not it. Wrong song. It's Puddle of Mode. I feel so alive lyrics. What's that? Puddle of Mode. No.

Instead of mud. I think, no, that's not it either. I'm finding for the very first time lyrics. It shouldn't be this hard. P.O.D. is correct. P.O.D. P.O.D. Nice, they have another song besides Youth of the Nation. P-O-D is correct. P-O-D, P-O-D, nice.

They have another song besides Youth of the Nation. It goes, I feel so alive for the very first time and I can't deny you, I feel so alive. Oh, I can't deny you. All right, that's good. That's cool. Better than dying. Yeah, I wish I could, I wouldn't make any sense

if that was the lyrics. Yeah, I feel so alive for the first time ever and I wish I could die. I don't know, man. I don't know. That's actually kind of dope now that I think about it. Like imagine being so alive that it loops all the way back. Right, or maybe you're so alive for the first time

that you realize the rest of your life you hadn't been living. And there's, yeah, and then that's kind of your peak and it'll just feel like a death afterwards. Yeah, yeah. I ended up DMing with Avital's ex-boyfriend last night because I spun out of control to the point where I'm like, is she back together with him?

And turns out she was. He can't deny her. He feels so alive. I'm obviously joking. She's having the time of her life in Italy. So I'm sort of living the hashtag bachelor lifestyle back at home. What is your, what's the bachelor lifestyle to you?

What does that mean to you? It's eating cereal at 4 p.m. Going insane. Just having an absolute back and alien frosted mini wheat. Yeah, you're having a three way with Captain Crunch and Tony the Tiger. You're getting circle jerked by Snap, Crackle and Pop. That's good.

And they make you pop. A lemon party with Wendell, two kids, Sam. How about this? Snap, crackle and pop make me fap, cackle and pop. Drop. Huh? Oh.

Drop. Drop, yeah. Well, popping was sort of like jerking, like coming. But yeah, I guess drop. Fap, cackle, and drop. Like yeah, you're taking a nap after jerking off into a Rice Krispie Treats box or something. There's something there. I don't know what it is, but there's something there.

I had a sort of incident this morning actually, unrelated to being at home by myself, but it was kind of confusing slash scary in which I let Luke out this morning and I noticed he was staring at a rodent in the grass. And the rodent was either dead or playing dead, but Luke was getting really, really close to an either gopher, rat or mouse or something like that.

And what did you do? Cause you're afraid of mice. I'm like, what's that? You're afraid of mice. Yeah. And this was a pretty thick, it was like a log. It was a thick mouse. Yeah. With ants surrounded and stuff. I like got close to it.

That's pretty convincing playing dead, I think. Yeah. It's like so dead, it actually died. Yeah. So I was like, hey, come dead, I think. Yeah, he was playing so dead it actually died. So I was like, hey, come here, come here, like snapping, trying to distract, clapping. Snap, crackle, and popping. Exactly, I was doing all the things a Rice Krispie treat should be doing, and I got the dog away from the rodent,

and then I'm like, okay, it's still a rodent in my backyard. Right, you have to deal with that. I can't let nature deal with it because Luke will just go out and smell it, maybe bite into it. The ants won't take care of it quick enough. Yes, exactly.

That's too slow of a thing to just rely on the circle of life slash nature to deal with it. So I was able to take a stick from an old broom and slap it into a shoe box. And then I'm like, do I put this in the black can or the green? Definitely not. It's organic matter, but it's also trash.

I think it's waste. I think it's much more waste. It's black, it's black can. Right, yeah. You wouldn't want it going into your compost. I know that it is organic and it will break down over time. Or is it the most compostable thing? Yeah, I guess I'm not gonna look at the comments

for people that tell me the right answer, but I would put it in the black can. Yeah, so I put it in a shoe box in the black can for now, but I can always switch it out last minute to the green, depending on if it was just playing dead or if it deserves to be like buried in gardening debris. I actually did the exact same thing with some kind of rodent when I first bought my house in LA. There was a dead rodent? Yeah and I remember being like, wow,

I'm the one that, it was like the first time I was a homeowner and I was like, I'm the one that has to deal with this. There's a dead thing and it's on me. And I think I did something, I did a rake into like a bag and then I threw that out in the black can. Black can, yeah. Well, I was glad I was able to figure it out without much.

Fanfare. Fanfare slash anger slash scariness. And I didn't have to rely on a professional as it were. Yeah. Are there any home projects that you're needing a professional for these days or they all behind you now? Well, there's always stuff that pops up, as you know.

The most recent one that I didn't want to rely on a professional for was an ant situation. Oh, an ant infestation. Lot of ants to the point where the poison traps were only getting them more excited. Wow, that was the Bacchanalian. They're like, let's have one of them. They smelled the poison and they got pumped.

Yeah, they loved it. And by the next day there were more. They were telling the other ants about the poison. Yes, and it was never enough poison for the ants. The ants wanted the sweet, sweet nectar. And what did you do? Without the borax part that kills them. And you hired somebody?

No, I ended up, I was so determined slash proud to like, I have to deal with this without hiring an expert. I can do this. It's just a poison issue. I can keep poisoning them until they're finally all gone. And I've had a lot of friends in LA, a lot of ants here, especially when it gets warm out, like at the end of the summer,

they're like, just call an expert, just call like a guy, an exterminator, to the point where like you have to leave the house and like have it fumigated, or maybe they could just spray around and have them preventable like to get back into the house. But by day four, I'm like, this has to be like the end of it.

Like I can't imagine this many more. That's like an eight lane highway around the sink. They were coming in through an outlet. Oh my God. Through the holes of an outlet. They're descending on your house. Yes. I would like tape up the holes

and they would fucking their ants. They're like, the tape does nothing to this. Right, they're strong as fuck. This excites them. It's a challenge. They want the poison. It's an obstacle course. More poison, more tape.

What ended up helping the most is cleaning and drying the area around the sink. It's really hard to keep your sink dry. Every time you use it, it just sprays water everywhere. And that's what gets them the most excited. They like water. Oh, cause they're hot and they need, yeah. They're trying to cool them down.

Yes, exactly. They're hot and they need food yeah, they're trying to cool down. Yeah. They're hot and they need food and they need water. Yes. I also had an infestation a few weeks ago. And did you call an expert? We certainly did. I was, it was a very busy time for me. So I kind of wasn't involved at all.

It was really busy for me. And I turned it into a task that I had to figure out because I was sort of making sure that I was protecting the home. And it was really a busy time for me. It wasn't a busy time for you. I talk to you all the time. Insanely busy. So all right, so here's what happened.

Jill was convinced that she was finding mouse droppings like in the kitchen, on the stairs, in Gemma's playroom. And I was like, it could be mouse droppings or it could be fuzz or dirt or anything else. So she's like this is to taste it. The only way to know is to give it a nice little licky lick. Well, she was convinced it was mouse droppings and then she called a mouse exterminator

who came and confirmed that they were mouse droppings. Though I'm sure it's in line with his ambition to see a little piece of dirt and say, and tell my wife it's a mouse dropping, right? Yes, of course. I'm basically still skeptical that we had a mouse to begin with. But this guy said that we did, Jill thought

we did, and I kind of believe we did, because they did certainly look like mouse droppings. But to me, I don't really care that much. I'm not afraid of mice. There's a lot of mice in New York City. We never saw a mouse. We just saw- But you're also very like hyper neat and vigilantly clean whereas like mouth shit seems to be the opposite of that. Well, I guess it was almost like I felt vindicated by its existence because the word Gemma eats, it gets so messy and I'm constantly like, God, we have like, hey, we gotta clean this up more.

Like it's not just a wipe situation. This needs to be like, spray. Yeah, I want to come home and feel like nobody was here all day, you know? Wow, do you say that out loud or is that just what you think when you're like, can we spray down the counter? Yeah, yeah, I never would say that out loud.

That's what I think when I'm at home after work, spraying it. And I'm think when I'm at home after work, spraying it. And I'm like, I think the most, I'm so passive. I'm like, we have to do this. I'm doing it. So let's all do it together. But then like- I spray, you spray, we all spray

for making it look absolutely clean. There's multiple meals and there's a raspberry on the banquet, right? So the guy comes and he's like, yeah, there's food on the ground. So yeah, that's one, we have to keep all of that clean, but he's like, they're opportunistic creatures. So they're coming in through the vent

where the radiator comes up through the floor. There's like what I think is like such a tiny gap. He's like no they can still squeeze through something like that. And then inside my closet and inside my like bathroom vanity, there was like basically the pipes that went down to the basement. They weren't completely sealed up and he's like they're coming in through here. So he just like completely sealed up. And he's like, they're coming in through here. So he just like sealed everything up, basically just taking away their opportunity for that access. Cause like, if they can't get into my house, they try to get into the neighbor's house

or the next neighbor's house. They don't. So you're basically locking them out. Yeah, I'm just giving them just one too many obstacles where they're like, fuck it. There's food. You're taping the outlet. Right. And hoping that they can't fuck it. There's food. You're taping the outlet and hoping

that they can't figure it out like an ant. Yeah, and they came by one day and now we haven't found a single dropping. So I guess that's also, that's vindication for Jill that it was indeed a mouse because we haven't seen any evidence of them. Wait, but what about the ants? I don't have ants.

So you said infestation. It was a mouse. It was a mouse. A potential mouse. Yeah, no, it definitely was. It was definitely a mouse. We also have water bugs in New York, which are very foul. And that's what I hate seeing those. Those are like the huge cockroaches.

Water bugs, oh, and they're like, they're little critters that they creepy crawly around. Yeah, they're not little. I mean, they're like as long as your thumb and thick. They look disgusting. Like I would rather see mice all over my floor than those things, than fucking one. Interesting.

It freaks me out. It scares the bejesus out of me. And they're hard to kill and they're fast. How do you think the rodent died in my backyard? and they're fast. How do you think the rodent died in my backyard? I don't know, maybe natural causes. Old age? Yeah.

On my grass? Yeah, cause he's like, you know, he's into hiding and then he's kind of like, oh, I'm near death. I wanna, yeah, I wanna be close to family because you're a chipmunk and you want- Hospice? Yeah, he came- Surrounded by loved because you're a chipmunk. And you want- Hospice. Yeah, he came- Surrounded by loved ones.

Right, exactly. He came home- A dog sniffing its open abdomen. Yeah, I think also it could have been like attacked by a coyote or something. Yeah, exactly. And then dropped off like- By a skunk or a raccoon.

Yeah, exactly. It's like a predator caught it, enjoyed it in your yard, and then left and didn't clear its dishes. Exactly, yeah. All right, something to think about. Let me know if you have any theories about both the ants that did eventually go away and the rodent, maybe two not unrelated things as different creatures,

both shape sizes and genus species maybe to not unrelated things as different creatures, both shape sizes and genus species sort of circumnavigate and eventually close in on my home. In the circle of life, I feel so alive for the very first life. Segments, yeah, I was gonna say. I can't deny Simba. Yeah. But I will keep you posted.

I do like minor house, either improvement or avoiding disaster problems. Yeah, this should be a home ownership podcast because I have some more projects that I'd love to talk about. For instance, this mouse catcher guy wants to put rat traps in the backyard and I'm like, that doesn't seem good enough. They're just out there in the yard.

Like, why do I, there's mice everywhere in New York city. Why are two traps in my yard going to do anything? Are they still doing the trash just out on the sidewalk situation in New York or do they try to sort of figure that out? They're trying to figure that out. It's a city that was kind of poorly designed because there's not really alleyways

where you can do trash collection. It has to be done on the street. And I think what they're doing now is starting in November, they're moving to a place. So right now you put all of your bags out on the trash. You put like your garbage bags, black contractor bag, a white kitchen trash bag just goes on the curb. Loose bags, not even in a can.

Right on the curb, the end. But you have trash cans outside your house. Yes, but at the end of every week, when I take the trash out, I wrap up the bag inside the big can and I put the bag right on the street. The can does not go on the street. So the bag, so you have trash bags in your house

and then you put it in a trash bag outside for the outside can. Yeah, it's like a big- And then you take up that bag, which is filled with bags and you put it just loose on the side of the sidewalk. And inside that bag, there are bags filled with Gemma's diapers, bags filled with Bingo's shit. I have a very shit heavy house.

My bag- A bag of a bag of a bag. So many bags, so much poop all in front of my house, with like food scraps. And yes, like rats and mice get into the bags. They just like this mouse guy told me they're creatures of opportunity. What better opportunity is a loose bag of food

on the street? So the new- And he wants to put rat traps like a mouse traps spring? And charge me like $800 to put like traps around my house. I'm like, it's fine. You can't catch all the fucking mice in New York City In front of my house. I'm not gonna do that

But they're they're moving to a thing where you have to put it's everybody's gonna have to Use the same can starting in November What can it's just it's just like a? 55 or 45 gallon can with like an attached lid. So no more loose bags on the street. You'll get a ticket. It has to be in this specific can with a lock.

So you'll have a can in your house. You have a can out your house. No, no, I'll have the can outside my house. And now instead of my bags going into the can and into the bag, my bags will just go into this can and at the end of every week or a few times throughout the week, this can goes onto the curb with the lid

so the critters can't get inside it. So no more loose bags. And that can is for trash and for recycling? No, the can is just for trash. Recycling is still loose bags. But those are supposed to be clean. You're supposed to wash those out. Yeah, of course, everyone's washing out

their potato chip bag, of course, and drying it inside out over the faucet for two days until it's both dry and into the bag. A potato chip bag is not a recyclable thing. What? You've been recycling your potato chip bags? Yeah. They're not recyclable.

What about cereal boxes? I They're not recyclable. What about cereal boxes? I think those are recyclable. What about the clear plastic bag inside the cereal box? No, that's not recyclable. What? When were we supposed to learn this shit? I don't even think you're right, quite frankly. I think I am.

I think when I got my house, I searched exactly what you're allowed to recycle and what you're not. Because there are certain things that people think you can recycle, but you can't. And I think it's a lot of that flimsy, clear plastic. You think that goes in with your plastic recycling, but usually that's just plastic

that's made from recycled materials. That's why it has the recycle sign on it. It's not that it is recyclable, it's that it's made of recyclable plastic. Recycled plastic made that little container. But it's not rigid enough for you to recycle. There's no way people know that. They do not. There's no way. They do not. But I think that's fine because I think they sort it in a lot of places. But the thing that's bad is when you like get a pizza box and you're like, oh, this is cardboard, I'm going to recycle it. But it's actually covered in cheese and grease. That is not recyclable. It's too dirty and it actually

contaminates all the other recyclable cardboard and paper around it. So you're not just not recycling something, you're tainting the other recycling. I put a wet gerbil corpse into the blue recycling bin. I thought it was a bag. I don't think you should do that. I really thought it was a bag. I thought he was a bag for his bones and organs. What is a body if not a bag?

Thank you. I feel so alive. In the very first bag. Oh yeah, I have a story for my weekend and I wanna tell you when we come back. Oh, I've had it up to here with these stories. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. Boom, baby.

Jake, don't you sleep on Helix? I sure do, motherfucker. So you know how big of an upgrade it was over your last mattress. Yeah, well actually my last mattress was also a helix. And the one before that. I think it might've straight up been a helix. I had a helix, then I got the queen lux helix,

and then I went up to the king helix, because I am a king, and I deserve to sleep like a king and you are a peon you're a plebeian and you deserve to sleep on a sleeping bag on my couch on my futon on a love seat okay let's move on we've all established that helix is great and that you are not worth the shit. What else? Yeah, I was gonna say the prices are really, really good. Really affordable for an insanely good mattress. And now if you go to helixsleep.com slash segments,

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Your best chance right now is to go to helixsleep.com slash segments. Exactly right. You don't realize how good of a mattress is waiting for you until you upgrade your curtain mattress. That might be 10 years old and you have no idea. Yeah, and you don't realize how good your sleep can be until you're sleeping on that King Helix.

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Thank you, Helix. Thanks. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Yes, yes, indeed. Exactly right. Man, I feel like we've been talking about SquareSpace for 35 years. At least. And it's still the number one goaded best way to build a website. That's right.

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Hot dog hog. Yeah, like if you hog hot dogs. I see, so like a Joey Chestnut style guy would have that. Exactly, exactly right. Actually, mine is similar to that. You know Joey Chestnut? This is joeyalmonds.com. No, mine is similar to that. You know, Joey Chestnut? This is joeyallmans.com. No way.

Is that true? Yeah. No. Yeah. No way. I haven't looked it up, but I feel like that's available. Yeah, that's what I thought. I imagine- Joey Allmans.

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just go to squarespace.com. That's right. And when you're ready to launch, use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Yes, exactly. So it's squarespace.com slash segments to save 10% off your first purchase

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They're already low, low prices. Boom. Thank you, Squarespace. Thanks. All right, we're back. Next segment is, well, the first one, I guess, is about the animals and stuff like that. It was called Animal Talk, Critter Conversation.

Yeah, that was called I Feel So Alive. This one is a story from my weekend. Let's call it the Hurwitz Weekend Recap. Okay. Okay, so I went upstate and I went climbing outside and I did my first ever trad multi-pitch. Do you have any idea what that is? Or are you kind of a weak ass loser

that doesn't know shit about climbing? A trad multi-pitch, is that bouldering? For a bad multi-bitch, that's me, it's not bouldering. It is rope climbing. So you've got your bouldering, that's what you and I have done. That's a pad. That's easy, cause there's no equipment.

Yeah, no equipment, you're not climbing that high. You bring a pad and you're just out there. You don't need anything. The other, then you've got your rope climbing, your sport climbing. That's where you've got a rope either with you or above you holding you up. And it's on like bolts and anchors on the rock.

Then you have trad climbing where there, on like bolts and, you know, anchors on the rock. Then you have trad climbing where it is just blank rock with features that you're putting your protective gear in. So, you know, you've got your little cams, you've got little like weird gears that you're shoving into the rock, pulling on, and then clipping your anchors to that. So there's not any fixed gear on the rocks. Does that make sense?

And somebody else put places for you to put your things on before? Yes. Right. My friend Kyle, who is a trad climber, and Micah, so the three of us all went and Kyle went up the wall, putting the gear in, getting it into place. Basically, he's doing the more dangerous part. Then he gets up to the anchor. He's setting it all up. Yeah, he gets up to an anchor point and then belays us up the same route. And then we all clip into this anchor,

like 100 feet off the ground. 100 feet? Yeah, and we're only halfway. So we're standing on a little ledge, 100 feet off the ground. He pulls up all the ropes and then does the second pitch. That's why it's called a multi-pitch. And if he falls, he falls 100 feet?

Yes. Wouldn't that kill you? Yes. Yes, you'd be dead. I'm confused as to how. But he is attached to rope. He is just putting all of the protective stuff in the wall himself.

So it's a lot of trust for him and a lot of trust on my brother who's belaying him and has never ever belayed somebody doing a trad multi-pitch before. Was he nervous? I was very cool about the whole thing. Okay. And I had done some climbing with him before.

We did even a warmup that day where we climbed about 100 feet on a single pitch and then came back down. So I'm like, okay, this is fun. This is exhilarating. I feel scared, but happy and excited about the whole thing. I love climbing. We go to the multi-pitch, we climb that halfway,

he's pulling all the ropes up, telling us where the end is. And my body just basically goes into fight or flight mode. I'm like, so scared that I can't bear, I'm like all I can think about is like, I kept on thinking it like, how can I get out of, how do I get out of this? It was like the recurring thought was, how do I get out of this and how did I get here?

And like, what am I, like, I can't believe I did this. I have a daughter, I'm dead. Isn't it like, this is clearly how I die. Won't this obviously be how I die? You know what's that like? And if not die, like seriously hurt yourself, which is maybe worse. Because then you just can't move for years at a time.

Right, I did get to the point where I was like, wow, I hope I only am horribly injured if I fall and I can survive. Because I'm clearly going down. There's no world where I don't. There's so many different ways for if I fall and I can survive because I'm clearly going down. There's no world where I don't. There's so many different ways for me to fall and die or hurt myself. And then why was the second one

so much scarier than the first? I think because when you're doing one pitch, I'm able to like, you know, you're down there, you're a little nervous. And then once you're climbing, there's like something active you can do. Your adrenaline is going, you're like, get to the something active you can do, your adrenaline is going, you're like get to the top. You look down, it's really high,

and you're like I hope I don't fall, but you're already kind of being lowered. This was so much scarier because we got to the halfway point, which was insanely high for me. Certain depth. Yeah, 100 feet is a lot. Yeah. It's a lot. Yeah, it doesn't.

What is that, like six stories? Like a six story building. Yeah, it was, I mean, like you look down and you're not thinking like, oh, this is, it's like, I know people climb much, much higher, but just a hundred feet of exposure below you. And also we are, we're in the gunks, so you get like a thousand feet of elevation

to get to the base of where you're climbing. So when you're up there, you've cleared the gunks, so you get like a thousand feet of elevation to get to the base of where you're climbing. So when you're up there, you've cleared the tree line, you're look, you're a hundred feet is below you, but then like you see just, you know, open sky and a huge and like all of the valley below you. So you're like, you feel even higher if it's just depth below. So Kyle is climbing and you and Micah are next to each other? Yeah, so Kyle climbs up while Micah belays him

and he's carrying my rope with him. He gets to the top or he gets to the midpoint, anchors himself into the wall and then he belays Micah and I up where Micah's cleaning the gear out of the wall and I'm where Micah's cleaning the gear out of the wall and I'm following Micah. So he's belaying both of us basically at the same time. Then all three of us get to the ledge.

On the ledge, we clip in to the anchor point on the ledge. And then we- That he put in. No, that's actually fixed. So- That somebody else did that one day and it's baked into the wall. Yeah, that's actually fixed. So. Okay. That's somebody else did that one day and it's baked into the wall.

Yeah, it's bolted in there and it feels, but it doesn't feel secure because it's just like, nature. There's nothing below you anymore. Usually you're climbing, you see the rope going to the ground, but my rope is like being pulled up and taken out of my like belay system.

I'm like, are we sure I'm clipped in? This goes in and it's- There's no experts around. There's no like waiver that you signed. It's just the rock that nature has. Yeah, and I have like two points of anchor to the wall, but like one of the, they just look like straps. They're little ropes and it's a figure eight knot.

And you're like, is that, I never really questioned it before, but now that I'm up here, couldn't it just get loose? I'm so, and I'm just like leaning against the wall, we're taking pictures, but I'm like holding onto the chain for like dear life. Or do you look, do you have the picture or do you look happy?

Yeah, we have some pictures. I look happy. I look happy. Okay, maybe we'll have a grim edit that you're picturing right now. If you guys are watching on YouTube, you can see. Yeah, yeah. And then, so I think there's like,

the adrenaline is pumping to get me to that point, and I'm feeling good. But as soon as I'm on the ledge, and we're like resetting all of the ropes, I don't know, your heart rate goes down, and then you just are like, what the hell am I doing up here? This is so high up and we're only halfway.

I don't belong here. And then at this. Cause I am scared. And I, yeah, like going back and forth and like, okay, so there's like, there's either embarrassment or death. Those are my two options. I either have to tell. And the other people don't know whether to be like,

come on, no, you can do it, or like, okay, if you're really scared, you don't have to do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Micah is just like, all right, is this something we can joke around about? Do you actually need a pep talk? Like, what are we doing here? Is it like, oh man, I'm scared, this is crazy,

or oh man, I'm scared, I'm having a panic attack. And then did you tell him, like, how did you first say, like, break the I'm scared this is crazy or oh man, I'm scared. I'm having a panic attack. And then did you tell him, like, how did you first say, like break the I'm scared ice? You're like, oh shit, actually I'm kind of scared. I think I was like, you know, every, you know, Kyle's a good leader. He's checking in with everybody. Like, woo, wow, this is crazy.

This is cool. This is wow. Like this view is beautiful and it is beautiful. And I'm aware of that. And I think, all right, I think I'm freaking out a little bit. I think I'm freaking out a little bit. And he's just like, you know, reminding me,

he's like, all right, you're clipped in, like this is safe, this is secure, like we're totally good, the rope's here, like the hardest part was below us. It's like easy to the top, that's the top out right there. Though not as- It's almost like you have to do it.

Going up is easier than down. Well, that was the main issue is that it was not a top, like some of these you get to the top and you just walk over and then walk down the back. This was a repel. So we got all the way to the top and then the plan was to just walk yourself off the back, Tom Cruise style, just leaping off from the top

and then repelling yourself down. So my choice was either embarrass myself, tell them I can't go up because I'm too frightened or continue up and I'm dead. And I'm like, well, I might be dead from here. I might be dead because I freaked out here. And like, I don't want to be in a situation where I'm like going home in the car later and Micah and Kyler are like, wow, that was awesome.

Micah did his first trad multi-pitch. Jake, you almost did it. You went halfway up and then got too scared. It's like the skydiver, but then you're in the plane. You're like, I'll go down with the plane. I don't need to jump out. Right, right. I'm like, I guess I'll be embarrassed,

but I'll be alive and that's better. I'm sure Jill would- The shame will go away. Right, Jill will be like, it's okay. Jill, Jemma won't even know that I was scared. Well, you won't tell her. She won't even know that I was scared. We won't tell her. She can't know that daddy was a coward that day.

Daddy was a coward that day. But I think at a certain point I was just like, I think it'll be too inconvenient for them because they were planning on doing, like tying the ropes together and doing a full repel of both of the pitches. And if I had stayed, then I was gonna make them basically repel back to the ledge and then do it,

tie it again and repel it again. So I was like, I don't wanna be inconvenient. I think it's gonna be okay. It's better when I'm climbing. I just wanna like quote unquote get this over with. Yeah. So we went up the second time, we went up the second pitch.

The second pitch was definitely easier. I felt, as soon as I started climbing, I felt really good. I was like, this is exciting, this is great. Then we- It's like when you jump, you're fine. Just getting the courage to leap off the ledge. Yeah. But then we have, then we're at the very, very top.

The ledge is even smaller. The first ledge, I could kind of lean back, I could put both my feet on it, I could even sit down uncomfortably if I wanted to. The ledge on the top, it's like one foot is the only thing you could keep on it. You're like, you're on like, you can't fit your whole foot on that ledge.

And it's the three of us and Kyle is tying up the two ropes into the repel system. And he's like, there's a lot of different little points of this system. And he's like, oh, this? No, no, no, this, I'll do it like this. And he's like, I'm untying this. I'm like, all right, well, is everything good?

Or you're not confused by it, are you? He's like, this one, no, this is gonna be. I see you did that thing twice. Are you like, is this with you? You dropped that carabiner, dude. Did we need that? Like, you see what your body would do if it gets dropped too.

I did also have to, there was one piece of gear that Micah couldn't get out because it was too far away and I had to like traverse over like 120 feet off the ground and like yank it out and then it's just loosen my hand. I'm shaking, I'm like putting the strap around my neck. Just like having anything loose in your hand feels so scary. This whole thing sounds terrifying.

I would not want to do this at all. This is the scariest part. So we tied these two ropes together. They're two like 70 meter ropes and you just tied them both together so it could go all the way from the top all the way down to the bottom. And then he sets it up on a three,

like a three person repel. He goes, then I go, then Micah goes. Gear in the middle. Yeah, which is actually the same. Of the scared sandwich. Yeah, it's the safest. They did that for me because I was the most scared. So he went down first.

He has, you know, only he's done the repel before. And once he's down there, he can actually give me what's called a fireman's belay, so if I start like flying down, he can actually stop my rope. That's nice. But the scary thing, because he had to give me that fireman's belay,

he basically explains how to repel, and then he goes away. And it's just me and Micah. It's just me and Micah at the top of the. He disappears into the fog below. You literally can't see him because there's a ledge and then there's like the tree and you can't see the ground from up there.

Yeah. You just, you can't even hear him. And Micah and I have a walkie talkie to hear him. And Micah's like, I think we heard on a walkie talkie to hear him. And Mike is like, Kyle, like, I think we heard on the walkie that he'd gotten down. And then we're like, okay, tell us when you're, Mike is like, tell us when you're ready.

And Jake will repel. And we don't hear anything. Mike presses again, he's like, Kyle, nothing. Nobody's there. So we're- You hear talking in a different language. Me and Mike are just standing up there. So we're just standing up there and we're like, okay, there's like 15 more feet to the top out. Do we have to like go to all, if we can't get in touch with Kyle, we can't just repel.

What are we gonna do? It turned out Micah had like changed the channel on the walkie talkie by accident, and everything was fine. And then I back, and then like, I just, I un-clipped, I leaned off, and I repelled down. Wow, and when you finished, was it like an amazing sense of exhilaration relief, or you're like, I hated that, I never wanna do it again?

When I was up there, I was like, no matter how good I feel after, I'm never doing this again. This is way too scary. It's not worth this feeling. And then as I was walking back to the car, I was like, I would do that again. That was awesome.

That was so cool. That was awesome. Now that it's, so like that, the high made me be like, all right, I would definitely do that again. But now that it's been a week or it's been a few days since, I think I might do it again, but I also might just like sport climbing. So I like climbing outside,

but I don't know if I need to do multi-pitches. You don't need to fear death. Yeah, I think I can, there's a world where I'm just like, oh, this is exhilarating and not a world where I'm like, I guess I'm almost 40. I don't need to conquer my fears in the same way. This one, I just want to live with my fear comfortably until I die.

Yeah, cause I can avoid multi-pitch climbing, but I don't know, cause it really was, it was incredibly fun. And we jumped in a little lake afterwards. It reminds me of when we did the world's largest swing, where they bring you out over a ledge and you just look down and it's a gorge and then they drop you and you're like, ah!

And it's like insanely scary but exhilarating. And then they're like, do you guys wanna go again? I'm like, I mean, it was awesome, but no, I don't think I ever wanna do that again. Yeah, it is a lot like that. I think of it more almost closer to like the bungee jumping, which we were too afraid to even try. Yeah, the bungee jumping you have to leap yourself.

This one is like they put you in a harness diaper and drop you. Right, which, yeah, I don't know if I would do it again. It's almost not worth it. But the climbing. It's worth it if you know you survive, but if you know you survive, then you weren't gonna be as scared and it's not as exhilarating.

Yeah. Lather, rinse, repeat. Yeah, yeah. But there were a bunch of moments where I was like, this is amazing. This is why I climb. This is like what I've been building towards. Yeah.

So I don't know. I really don't know, but I'm glad I did it. At the very least, I'm happy that it, I'm very happy that it happened. You did it once. Yeah. I mean, Kyle sounds like the man. Should we get him on the show?

He would love to, yeah. And he is the man. Yeah, he sounds like kind of strong and confident, scared but in a cool way. I mean, the thing is he did the scariest thing, which was lead two jackasses who had never done a trad multi-pitch. And he like, I think it was way more likely that he would die than us.

Cause on that second pitch, Micah's belaying him, but he goes over a ledge and through a tree and like we can't see him anymore. And Micah's giving him the belay, but he's just like up there with nothing but his own gear below him and Micah standing on a ledge. It's like, yeah. I would not want that responsibility.

I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't do something wrong and injure you by accident. Yeah. And I also almost did injure him when we were doing just the sport climb. You kicked him in the chin, you told me. Well, he was rappelling and I like, he's heavier than me because he's strong.

And he like, the rope started like flying through my hand and I had to give him a hard break and I went up into the air and into the wall. Wow. Did you tell Jill any of this when you got back? You were like, yeah, it was okay. Yeah, no, I told her when we were leaving, because we're heading home,

and I was like, it was more intense than I thought it was gonna be. I love you. I love you. Can you please clean the kitchen for me? I don't know if I can come home and see a fucking raspberry after that. I don't care about the mouse, babe.

I just love you. Do whatever you want to the kitchen. $800 for the mouse traps is fine. Whatever makes you happy. Let's kill that rat too. I want to fucking get rid of the rats in the backyard. We'll get the traps, we'll get it all. Yeah.

All right, well good thing you survived. Yeah, yeah. We'll get Kyle on and he can tell you about my freakout. ["Assholes"] And we're back. Yes we are. Segment three is a lightning round, but not like we usually do.

We usually open up the questions from our Instagram slash Twitter followers. That's right. And you know, some are good, some are bad, such as the nature of crowdsourcing. I thought, you know what? We can come up with questions that are interesting. We know what we've heard a bunch of

and what is, we've never been asked before. So why don't we come up with lightning round questions for each other? Yeah, let's try to think of questions that nobody's been asked before. So why don't we come up with lightning round questions for each other? Yeah, let's try to think of questions that nobody's ever asked us. What's your favorite Ben Schwartz up? Is Amir really like that? Okay, here's one for you.

She's poured so much fucking seltzer on my shirt. Keep that in. You have to. Keep that in. It's so wet. What gets out seltzer? What's a food you ate late in life but love now? Ooh, I mean I didn't try peanut butter and jelly

until I was 21, so that's pretty late. Oh, that was me actually. You and I both, that was you and I both. We were late in life, and now you love it? Yeah, I mean I love peanut butter a lot. I think it's probably peanut butter. That's something that I have all the time. The latest one is yogurt.

I never really liked yogurt, but now I like it a lot. Especially if I add, well, I love to add peanut butter to it and it's pretty bland. So I'm able to mostly taste the peanut butter. I actually hate yogurt. Yeah, either peanut butter or yogurt. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on an airplane and it had granola in it.

Have you ever seen that? Oh no, but that sounds good. Peanut butter, jelly and granola in a sandwich. How you get into that? Kind of weird. How many sexual encounters have you had? Oh, I don't feel comfortable answering that. What website do you visit the most often?

I guess, this is kind of embarrassing, but I think it's, well, this is kind of embarrassing, but I think it's, well, it's either ESPN, or maybe, I think I go to Instagram.com a decent amount because I kind of don't have Instagram on my phone, but I'm logged in online. Oh, so now you load it. Yeah, so I don't do it a lot, but if I'm going,

I mean, my computer just basically lives on Gmail, Google Documents, and then, I don't know, some version of a to-do list of things that I have to do. But if I'm just like new tab, what's a website I wanna visit, I think it's either Instagram or ESPN. What about you? Interesting. Sorry, I'm only asking the questions

or answering the ones you came up with. Okay, fair enough. If you had the chance to pitch any project and you knew that it would get greenlit, what would you pitch? Probably the musical. Ooh. All right, so that's what you're excited about.

Somebody would pay us to write the musical, which we're like sort of sitting on a half-baked idea of, and we just need the kick in the pants to get it done. Cool, I love that. Connecticut, 1999, or whatever the hell we're like sort of sitting on a half baked idea of and we just need the kick in the pants to get it done. Cool, I love that. Connecticut, 1999, whatever the hell we're calling it. Good working title. Would you ever use an AI assistant? I guess if it got to the point where it was really good,

maybe, but I have not had the experience with AI that it like does anything that I don't have to like read through or check or second guess or that I look at and seems wrong. But if it got to the point where it was good, I wouldn't be opposed to it. I think it might be at that point right now, we just don't really use it.

Oh, all right, maybe, then sure. I would give it a shot. I think that's like, cause I'm not gonna hire, that wouldn't be taking a job from anybody because I'm not gonna hire an assistant. I wouldn't want that responsibility. But I would do something.

I would try an AI assistant and see if I liked it. Yeah. But what I'm doing now works. Okay, give me one. What's your favorite sex position? I don't feel comfortable answering that. Okay. Would you rather be really good at chess

or really good at poker? I guess poker. Chess seems like it would be kind of impressive, but I don't think anybody would actually be impressed by it. In poker, I could win money and it's more social. I could like hang out with people. Like I don't really even know how to play. Play with your friends.

Yeah, I think I might enjoy hanging out with friends. Have you ever played poker? I mean, yes, but not really. I don't really know how it works. You don't know the rules or anything like that? No, I think I've like played over the hands. You never got into it or saw it on TV or anything like that. I've seen it on TV, like seen it in movies

and I've like played a hand, I'm sure, but not really. Yeah, no. Interesting. Who is your favorite person that you have ever gotten a chance to collaborate with? I don't feel comfortable answering that. Okay. If someone paid you $15,000 to record a rap song

and release it on Instagram, would you? No. Wouldn't do it for 15K. Is it like an earnest rap song? Is it a rap song about headgum? About anything you want. Like how much I love peanut butter? Yeah.

Probably not. I think it would have to be at least $30,000 after taxes. What a specific request. Yeah. For $27,000 you wouldn't release a rap song. What the hell is wrong with you? Yeah, no, I think 30 is kind of like, that's where I'm like, oh, that's like,

I could really do something with that. Yeah. 15, everything in life is so expensive that 15 is like, oh, that's only subsidizing some big thing that I wanna do. Then you can finally write that rap you've been noodling about. Yeah, have you ever got road head? I don't feel comfortable answering that.

Why do you think houses don't have urinals? That's a good question. Like I've never seen a house with a urinal. Doesn't it make sense? I have, I have seen them. But I think- A house with a urinal? Yeah, I have seen that before, but I don seen them, but I think house with a urinal. Yeah, I have seen I have seen that before but I don't think I Guess it's just they're they're not really like universal. So there's not really a huge benefit to it

Yeah, but it's nice. You can like you don't have to you have an urinal and a toilet Yeah, a urinal for him and a toilet for her. Maybe they're hard to maintain Well, they kind of, they all seem fine. Like urinal cakes, like these are all normal things. Right, well, I guess you probably don't want your house smelling like a urinal cake. Like I don't think I've ever gone to a bathroom with a bunch of urinals and been like,

oh, it smells fine in here. Yeah, cause there's piss all over the place. Yeah, exactly. So I think that he wants me to flush his. What do you think about retirement? That's actually really interesting. Yeah. I think of retirement? That's actually really interesting. Yeah. I think of retirement not as like this end point,

but in a thing that you can sort of mathematically game to the point where you're like, can be like 70% retirement, 50% retire. Like it's a gradual transition to, like in our parents' generation, it's like I work from nine to five, and after five I don't work. And then after this age, I will retire and never work again.

With our generation slash field, it feels like we're always kind of working. And it's just the amount and intensity that was high in our twenties and gradually getting lower and lower and lower. Until one point I'm like, oh wait, I'm not working that hard at all anymore on much at all. So I think it's more of a gradual thing for me

and less of a cliff in a plateau. Okay. But I really didn't feel comfortable answering that question. Yeah, I know. The roadhead thing, like the, what was it? Who would you wanna collaborate with? Yeah, well, no, that was who are you happy

that you did get to collaborate with? Is that better? Yeah, that's a good set. Yeah. Do you think Abhital will be your last sexual partner? I gotta assume, yeah. I mean, when you get married, you have to go under that assumption.

Like the trial and error phase of learning and playing around and having multiple partners, that's gotta be a thing of the past. Once you're committed like that, you have to assume that that's it. I mean, obviously 50% of marriages end in divorce. So I wouldn't say never say never. It's not like a hundred percent lock guarantee,

but I'm going to this thing with 99% certainty that she will be. I asked Jill about a hall pass last night and let me tell you, well, it kind of went over interestingly because I don't want the hall pass per se. I was like, you know, Merritt, some people have like a hall pass. I don't want one,

but I would like my hall pass to be that I got to go on Love is Blind. Like I just wanna, of like a hall pass, I don't want one, but I would like my hall pass to be that I got to go on Love is Blind. Like I just wanna, I want to go on the experiment and- With an open mind. I wanna just go, I wanna go on Love is Blind. I think like, it just seems like it's so much fun to talk to that many people.

And yes, the end result is that you fall in love and get married with somebody. But I, you know, I just want to be able to, I want to be able to live a life where I can like just see what that experience would be for me and then go back to my marriage. Does it have to be love is blind or can it be a sort of half baked different reality show

or something that we set up for you for your like 50th birthday. Yeah, no, it would have to be Love is Blind. I need to, I wanna do the real, you know, Nick and Vanessa Lachey experiment. And Jill said that her hall pass would be going on like the Great British Bake Off. So it's not really the same, but like.

For my hall pass, I wanna date and fuck around and for you, I guess you can make it. No, it's not fucking around, it's all through a wall. It's only emotional, it's not cheating. I guess it would be emotional cheating. I would maybe fall in love with somebody, but I'm sure I wouldn't, but I would get to experience just,

it seems almost like therapy or something. I just wanna go and like talk to 15 different people. Speed date. Yeah, in a room where I'm just like It's almost like therapy or something. I just wanna go and like talk to 15 different people. In a- Speed date. Yeah, in a room where I'm just like my most vulnerable, authentic self. I guess I would love to do it without even the camera on. I guess I'm talking about therapy.

But I wanna have- You're talking about therapy slash going on a date. Yeah, I do. I wanna have 15 different therapists that I just talked, that I speed therapy. That would be cool. I mean, once you're married, you can't really go on dates anymore.

So like you hardly will ever meet a lady and talk to them and get to know them anymore. Yeah, yeah. And it's just rare to, I guess part of dating is finding ways to express yourself to somebody. You convey who you are to someone. And that's maybe the thing that's like compelling to me. Cause I don't actually wanna learn about anybody.

No, God no. Nor do I wanna start from the top and scratch and everything like for myself. It's like, oh, I guess I'm from here and my parents do this and I do this. I like that. I do wanna talk about that. Did I tell you my dating idea, dating show idea?

I've never seen Love is Blind so maybe this is too close to it, but it's called The Wheels, where it's either two ferris wheels that are rotating close to each other, or two carousels that are rotating like a clock on a floor. And then when you're at one point, two of the rooms are touching

and then on every other point they're not. So one room has got one wheel of guys, one wheel of girls, or however you wanna break out the genders that are attracted to each other. And then like you get to talk to the person only when your wheels are touching like that. And then either one of you can rotate the wheel away. And when you're rotating the wheel away,

then you're getting somebody else, but you're staying there. If you both rotate it, then it like brings two more people to the forefront and then they're interacting. So it's a lot of waiting on the outskirts, but once you're interacting, and then if you like the two people like each other, you can join the wheel. They hop off one wheel, you hop off theirs.

And it's like, it keeps going and spinning until everybody's either on one wheel or another. It's not that dissimilar from Love is Blind, because they have pods where- Yeah, but instead of pod, it's a wheel. Right, yeah, yeah, I know. I mean, this is real life I'm talking about here. It's wheel of misfortune.

It's wheel of fortune or the prices, right? Wheel thing means dating or a Ferris wheel really. Okay, cool. Cool or you really think that's a good idea? I'm trying to move on to another question. That's cool as in cool, let's drop it. Let's move on. Have you ever got roadhead use you already asked that? Yeah, you're I've never gotten roadhead. I do feel comfortable answering that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Cool. Thank you. That's fine. Yeah. Yeah. Not everybody

has stopped that. Yeah. Yeah. I've gotten frisky in a car has. It's not that dangerous. I've gotten frisky in a car before, it just hasn't been moving. That's hot. That's really hot. That's for the podcast episode. That's so bad. I'm out of questions, do you have any left over? I'm masturbating in a parked car,

if that's what you're asking. What's a combination of two foods that you really enjoy? Combination. Like unrelated, like peanut butter and jelly doesn't count, but like jelly and hummus. A unique pairing. Let's say a unique pairing. Yeah.

God, I don't know if I'm that adventurous in my eating. There's, give me another question while I only think about this. How long does it take you to climax? I've been doing apples and peanut butter. That's sort of related, but kind of unique. How long does it take you to climax if you're watching pornography?

That's my last question. So you have to either answer it or the show's over. I feel like that, yeah. The fact that it's the last question means that'll have the biggest last, no one will remember everything else. I feel like nobody will even come up with Wheel of Misfortune anymore

when they're thinking about this episode. It'll just be about the time. If you're fully concentrated on coming, like how fast? If it was a speed game, how fast could I? Oh, 60 seconds. Damn. It's awesome. Honestly, probably I'll say 45 to 60 seconds.

Wow, 45. Yeah, from nothing. From nothing? From nothing to something. I need to light some candles, I need to play some music, I need to dance, I need to clean the kitchen. I need to wipe up all of the jelly. I can't get hard knowing there's a crumb on the quartz. And I did sit on an e-brake. knowing there's a crumb on the quartz.

And I did sit on an E-brake. If you're asking about road head. I got sentimental in a rental. Love hurts. Ooh, that's good. That's good. Thank you. Love hurts. That's what it's called when, okay, I choose you and I hop from wheel to wheel,

but then somebody else spins it and it sort of slices that person in half. Right. Oh, so you could die in this game that you're inventing. Yes, you have to jump with a lot of Vim and Vigor. Otherwise you do it too slowly and you get sliced like in the movie Cube. If you've ever seen the movie Cube.

Vim and Vigor is another good name for it. Yeah. So basically it's like nine strangers wake up in a giant Rubik's Cube that's constantly rotating and killing them and they have to emerge from the Cube alive. Which is kind of subconsciously the spiritual anchor for Love is Wheel, but I don't necessarily. Love is Wheel? Is that the name? Yeah, Love is Wheel, but I don't necessarily. What? Love is Wheel?

Is that the name? Yeah, Love is Wheel. That's the name of this love ship. I thought it was Love Hurts. I thought it was Vim and Vigor. Or like something about a carousal and arousal or something like that. Yes.

Yeah. Spousal carousal or something. Yeah, that's pretty good. Spousal carousal. Thank. Yeah, that's pretty good, spousal carousal. Thank you. Actually, really thank you. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Really?

We're doing a live show in Chicago. Oh, we should say that. Yeah. We can, we'll play lightning round there. November 14th. 14th in Chicago. That's a Thursday. That's right. At Park West.

Yes. Come on down, come on out. Let's just say things will get wheel. Yeah, they're gonna get very wheel. And you will be arousaled by the carousel. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah.

I needed to hear that. For more of us, you can also watch us on Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. True. And thank you for listening and or watching to this podcast episode. We'll be back next Monday. That's right.

Bye everybody. Bye. That was a Hidgum original.