If I Were You - 502: Worst Pizza Ever

Episode Date: August 23, 2021

In this episode we discuss saving cash, spending cash, and becoming Seattle Kraken fans.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm .See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Hit Gum Original. Okay, cool. Electronica, it goes on for about another minute and a half, but we'll save that for the end. Yes, so if you love that song, skip straight to the end right now. That was kind of, uh, sounded like Game Boy's girlfriend, basically. Oh, yeah, exactly. But it was actually by somebody named Daniela, whose musician name is Misty Lakes, M-Y-S-T-Y Lakes. Cool, Misty Lakes, I like that.

With this, I would like to graciously award the golden mic to Jake for being so humble as to listen to my song. A song of a ratty little peon. Amir, I hope you're taking notes on how to be a good little boy. You've got a long road ahead of you. That's really cool. Thank you. I'm humble, cheese-chepped, honored. Damn, I didn't think I was gonna fucking win it in the intro. What is my life? It's wild.

I have to smile through it all. I'm just a fucking, I'm a boy from New Haven. This usually doesn't happen to us. Yeah, man. We don't just succeed like this. It wasn't supposed to be this way, mama. Look at us now. Look at us now, mama. It's not still alive. Yeah, she's upstairs, which is why I was doing my eyes up there.

Yeah, making dinner. She was ordering pizza if I can be candid. That's really cool. I think she's done enough. She doesn't have to make dinner tonight. She's allowed to rest, and I'll pick up the pizza. Wow, where are you getting pizza from? Because, you know, New Haven, the bar is set high on New Haven pizza. Yeah, a lot of people, you know, they choose between peppies or sallies.

We've always been a little Caesar's family over here. Sometimes we'll do a pizza hut. Little Caesar's. That's awful. That's the worst pizza chain. You're in the Monty's, Delania. Potentially the best pizza city in the world. Definitely. Modern America over down on State Street.

But I mostly went to Papa John growing up. But yeah, Papa John. Papa Papa Papa John. Dip shit. Little Caesar's. Have you ever actually eaten little Caesar's? I don't know. I want to say yes, because I remember, like, when they had, like, the bacon wrapped crust,

I feel like I always asked for it and wanted it when I was a kid. And maybe my parents gave in at one point. What was your childhood? It's pizza night. Let's fucking get this pizza. It's my favorite in the world. There was, I mean, I think we just went to a local place in Hamden, not even New Haven, which was Paul and Eddie's. But we also liked Bar, which is good pizza downtown.

But you never did, like, Domino's or anything like that. No, my parents never let me have Domino's or pizza hut. Never let you have. This is the first time I'm hearing of any nutritional restriction from you growing up. I think it was just because they didn't like it. I could get them to take me to, like, McDonald's and go through the happy menu. I mean, we went to Burger King. Like, I had fast food, but I don't know, like, I don't know what my parents had against pizza.

You know what? It was my mom, my mom often made pizza. So, like, that was something she could make at home. So that, maybe that was why I never had it. Do you remember the worst pizza you've ever had? Good question. I guess, not specifically. I can think of a couple instances where I had, like, dorm pizza or got, like, I don't think I ever got, like, gas station pizza, but some...

Oh, it was a pizza place on Bedford Avenue in Brooklyn that was really, really bad. Oh, wow. Brooklyn pizza being the worst pizza you've ever had. It was too, it was, like, too much of a tourist-trapped, high-trafficked area. And I also got pizza that I think was, like, overloaded with toppings. So, like, when you lifted it up, the front of it fell down and, like, the cheese and the toppings fell off. Yeah. And it was very bad. Very, like, almost, like, watery. That's what I remember.

What about you? I remember it was Gabriel's birthday party at the Rugby match. He rented a bus, very nice, fun party. I was, yeah, you were there, but I was very hungry at the stadium. And I guess the stadium was, like, half capacity because it was a rugby match and it was, like, an old soccer stadium. So not a lot of places were open. And so there was this one, quote, unquote, pizza place that I guess was microwaving.

It felt like they were microwaving old pizza. So, like, pizza that had already was bad, got room temperature and then they would nuke it and then it would be probably so bad I don't think I ate it, like, that level of bad. That they say even bad pizza is pretty good because it's pizza. Yeah, it's hard to have bad, bad pizza. And I usually like that, like, reheated pizza taste. I like a frozen pizza. Yeah, this was, this was no bueno.

Fuck, I really, now I'm, like, in this weird headspace. Why? Talk for a second, talk for a minute. I'm going to try thinking of better shit to, like, lift me out of this. Okay, why don't I, you know, we're recording this. I feel like I shouldn't have to. Fuck, this is the worst. This is so bad.

I don't have to. I haven't. I'm just trying to. Your ache from it. You want me to talk, did you want me to talk or did you want to complain? I can't stop. You talk, but I can't stop thinking about this shit. I have, like, so let's, okay.

Lock jaw for it. Go on mute. Yeah. Have you read lock jaw for it? I have, I did have TMJ. Yeah, like where your jaw clicks, I have that, but for this pizza and, like, I'm drooling because I'm talking about, like, good food, but, like, it hurts in a way that's so bad. Yeah, I don't know.

Watch a YouTube video or something. Go on mute. And we'll come back and you just edit all of this out. Where's pizza? Oh, God. Where's pizza ever, YouTube? Oh, I think I'm going to fucking be sick. There's this fucking mushroom pie that looks fucking rank.

Sounds good. Do you think pineapple belongs on pizza? I'm serious. Do you think pineapple... No, I don't think it does. I don't think it has any business being there. Okay. All right.

What about... I thought you said you wanted to move on. Well, I'm just thinking out loud is all. I'm sending you a picture that I found for worst pizza ever. This is pizza... You send it via chat or via instant message. Text, yeah. You text it to me.

It's a pizza place in Buenos Aires, Argentina. What do you think about that guy right there? I could fuck with that. It's a lot of cheese. It's pure white, but then there's whole olives in it. It looks like the full green olives with a pit still inside, loosely placed on top of the pizza. I would honestly like that. That looks great to me.

It's very cheesy. Yeah, I don't like it too cheesy. That's the problem. Oh, my God. So much cheese. I think I'm going to be sad about it. Stop looking. Don't let shit affect you this much.

Oh, my fucking... Jesus Christ. Why do we take the week off? Oh, because I don't want to. It's why. Because I fucking powered through an entire pandemic, because I lifted you up out of a shitstorm, out of a hellstorm for 18 months. I carried you on my back, and this isn't going to be the one thing that trips me up, okay?

That's why I'm not going to take a week off. This isn't going to be the one that you've tripped up. You face planted on this episode. You went down. You spiraled because you talked about a pizza you had at a rugby match three and a half years ago. And then you fucking distracted yourself to the point where you're sending me text messages of pictures of pizza from Argentina. I don't know what you...

You fucking... This is a turdy. You turdied yourself. And I'm sorry, but you hijacked the show for your own detriment, if I'm being honest. It was like a therapy session that you wouldn't allow yourself to heal. You tried to drag me down. You tried to make me grossed out by pizza. You couldn't move on.

You couldn't start the show. I feel like it's a self-fulfilling prophecy at this point. I'm trying to... I'm in a funk about it. I'm trying to lift myself up from my bootstraps and say, What am I doing wrong? You know the words to say after you've done this, but you don't have the fucking wherewithal to actually make yourself better.

Do you know what I mean? You have the excuses. You don't have the follow through. Yes. That's great. What was your pizza experience growing up in L.A.? There could have been a lot of pies in Encino. Right?

Um... Yeah. Mulberry Street. Mulberry Street Pizza. Sort of the go-to. Big, flatter kind of grandpa slices where it's like, Well, these are so big. Then crust.

Yeah. Then crust. I know what to say. Try to turn it on a little bit more. I feel like you're being low-energy Jeb right now. You've got like a please clap mentality going on. Yeah. Yeah.

I was going to say that I... I wasn't like... We used to get pizza on Thursdays at school. Dollar is slice. My old man used to give me 50 cents and say, Here's for nothing. Yeah. You're just short.

I wouldn't have... I was just short because I was short. I was five foot one until I was 20. If not a foot. If not a foot. And then my other old man gave me 49 cents to make me one penny shy of the slice. That's why they called me shy of the slice. Really?

Yeah. You know, shy of the beef? Yeah. But this is... You were in middle school, you said. So this was long before even Steven's. I was 17. You're older than Shia.

So what a weird nickname for anyone to give you. What was my nickname? I already forget. You said shy of the slice, I think. Yeah. That was it. That was it exactly. Anyway, this is if I were you with the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us.

I'm Shia the Slice. I'm Josh. Rice. What? Rice. Shia the Slice. And Josh Rice. And that's nice.

We're like the dough boys but angrier. So we talk about food but we suck. Our thing is that we're the dough boys but we kind of suck. So like we don't have a good attitude. We don't have a fun sense of humor and we don't like shit. So we're kind of nasty dudes. Perfect. We got a question from a guy that randomly inherited 10K.

Whoa. That's a come up. We'll call him the fucking monopoly, man. Cool. Does that guy have a name? Uncle Money Bucks or something? Oh yeah. Isn't it?

I thought they just called him like fucking Daddy Warbucks which is like taken from Annie. Is that not? It's Rich Uncle Pennybags. Wow. Yeah. It was way off. Which really should have been my nickname in high school but instead. Shia the Slice.

Shia the Slice. Yeah. I'm a 25 year old guy writes Uncle Pennybags and I just found out that an old friend of my deceased dad passed away and left me $10,000 in her will. Admittedly, I felt a bit bad because I didn't even know who this lady was. Turns out I met her a few times as a child and I haven't seen her for 20 years. So my question is, what do I do about all that cheddar? Should I start a business?

Should I give it to my mom who put me through college and who I owe my life to? Or maybe I should just be a guest on your podcast. What would you do if you randomly inherited 10K at 25? Should I seize the cheese? Congrats on 500 episodes and counting. Wow. List to everyone. For 10K, would you let this person guest on the podcast?

For 10... Maybe 11K? So like he would give us the 10K and then the extra G from Mommy? Wow. You're an asshole. You're an asshole. Why? We're going to have this dude on the show that's going to completely submarine one of our episodes.

I mean, he's not a comedian. He's not a friend. Right. God forbid we go off the rails and do something like go down a pizza rabbit hole for 15 minutes. 12K actually. Because I want 1K for me, 1K for you, and 10K for the joint checking account that I've been begging you to start with me. Oh yeah.

We should say our bank account and routing info on air. So people can sort of tip us? Send us cash. Have you... Those numbers aren't private, right? Yeah, you can't steal. You can't take those monies to steal my money. You can wire it.

You can wire it. Yeah. You could give me money if I just give you my wire information. Yeah. It's all about that routing info. Do you remember the first $10,000 you ever made or when you reached that threshold? Yeah. Yeah.

I'm pretty sure that I remember vaguely around the first time I like... I don't know if I... Like, there wasn't like a money benchmark. I feel like I remember the first time where I felt financially stable. Like you paid off all of your debts. I didn't have any debt. Oh, interesting. Because I didn't go to school.

That's really good. I thought you had to like pay off your sister for giving you money for an apartment or something. Oh yeah. That's true. When I moved to New York, my sister paid my down payment. So I did... I owed her $1,400. All right.

So that's right off the bat. That's what you can give the first 10K installment that this guy pays us for to be on the pod. I paid Hannah back. I know. But just interest. It's like a nice atta boy. How do you do it? It's just unbelievable.

The $1,400 she gave you. Yeah. But like what would the... I paid her back within a year. It doesn't matter. Yes, it does. You paid her back within the year. Interest.

And with no interest. Yeah. So what? So it's compounded since then. It's compounded. 100%. No. $1,400.

Pay it back. Give it to me in 10 years. Do you remember the first $10,000 you made? I remember getting to $10,000 because that was the buy-in for the World Series of poker main event. So it's like, ooh, I finally made enough money if I wanted to fucking go crazy, go to Vegas and enter this poker tournament that 5,000 people enter for a chance to win whatever, 8 million or something.

Still, I've not actually done that or played in any World Series of poker events. But I remember that benchmark because that is the buy-in for it. So when I got to 10,000 in my savings, I was excited. And it was around this guy's age at 25. Yeah. That's interesting. I didn't do anything fun with it because I'm sort of fiscally conservative as it were. And if somebody just wrote you a fucking blank-ass check for 10K, I guess it wouldn't be a blank

check, it would be a check for 10K at 25, I feel like you should do something fun with it. Yeah. Remember that video we did for Adobe's Creative Suite or something? Oh, like branded content for college? Yeah. It was one of our first branded content things. And I think that was around what the money was for that.

And I remember being like, wow, that was insanely easy, we got money. And I just bought the, that was when I got the Toyota Tacoma. So you used it on a truck? Yeah. One big purchase. That's kind of fun. There's two. I guess there's many ways to go.

You can invest it and sort of wait and see and try to turn the 10K into 11K by next year. But if that's not very exciting or fun to you, you can just fucking spend it on a thing or an experience. And people say experiences are better. They just last longer and make you happier than the thing. You could also, you could split the difference. You could like invest some money. You could give some money to your mom.

There's also, I mean, using it to start your own business is kind of awesome. That's like jump starting. If you have something that you want to do, I feel like it's more like, if you've had something that you wanted to do forever, then you get the money and then you do it, that's awesome. It doesn't seem like it would work as well if you got $10,000 and then brainstormed a business idea. You could accidentally do something you're not passionate about and not have as much

fun. Yeah. I mean 10K, yeah. You got to pay like all these random little fees like LLC and incorporation and taxes and all this crap. But that doesn't sound as fun as, I don't know, going to Hawaii for three weeks and spending some cash on some plane tickets, a place to stay and some great food, maybe some sick ass pizza.

You can go to Buenos Aires. So yeah, put $2,000 into the S&P 500 and then $8,000 on a vacay or a cool wardrobe, something. Something splashy. Buy a fucking shirt and a yogurt, but like a hot yogurt. You know like that Greek that's fucking boiling and thick? You're obsessed with fucking hot dairy today. Yeah, I guess you can say I am a hot dairy specialist today. I never thought of it that way, but yeah, yeah, I guess you could.

Okay. Let's take a break. Thanks some sponsors so that we can raise $10,000 and then we'll come back after these messages. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress.

Yes. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute honestly like BuzzFeed light quiz. I don't know how you sleep for the better part of a decade. I don't brag about completing it.

I brag about acing it because you got the mattress and it was great or yeah, I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing.

Yes, this is their best offer yet and no, it won't last long with Helix. The better sleep starts now. So regardless of how you sleep, whether you like it soft, medium or firm, Helix has 20 unique mattresses just ready to go based on how you fill up that sleep preference and they'll send you the best one. And if you go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you, that's 20% off. Amazing. Thank you, Helix.

Sleep well. Thank you to stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show, visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business. But with stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office. So if you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it. If you need to sell products online, stamps.com seamlessly connects with every major marketplace

and shopping cart running a business isn't cheap. So stamps.com has huge carrier discounts. We're talking up to 84% off USPS and UPS rates. Holy smokes. And for 25 years, stamps.com has been indispensable for over one million businesses. So if one million businesses can trust stamps.com, certainly you can too. Set your business up for success with stamps.com today, just sign up with promo code if I were you for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free digital

scale. Wow. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com. You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four week trial, free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show.

And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's the left side of the fight. Wow, they're coming. Gross. So I combined some old advice that I gave with some new advice my brother gave. He told me that anytime you want to buy something to wait a week and then see if you still want it.

I think that's really hard in like this, in like online shopping, instant gratification. Like if I see something I buy it, I'm like, I could return it or whatever, you know. But instead, I've been taking stuff that I think I want, emailing it to myself and snoozing it for a week. And then when it comes up, inevitably, I pretty much always don't want it anymore. And I think it saves you money even on the returns because, you know, you're paying taxes on that. And also the, you know, it's not good for the environment.

So there's another kind of tax involved too. So anyway, yeah, it's waiting a little bit of time before you spend money online. Awesome. All right. Next question. We got a question from... Great. Yeah.

Sure. Usually we go back and forth, but... Oh, sorry. I thought you were kidding. All right. This guy is emailing us in from Tejas. What did you think I was kidding? But waiting fucking a week.

All right. Nice. Let's call this guy Tony Romo. Really? Sure. Hey guys, congrats on waiting a week before you buy shit. Holy shit. So what have you put in your shopping cart that you said, let me want this now.

And then seven days later, you said, what the fuck was I thinking? I can tell you because it all is on a thread that I have with myself with the subject line buy question mark. Okay. And let's go through. So also what's your buy rate after a week? What are you... Is it half?

Half of it you still want? 20%? 80%? Looking at these first two things, it's a t-shirt and a bathrobe. Still want the bathrobe. Another t-shirt. A pair of... Oh, I've been fucking with the idea of getting white pants.

I'm down to fuck with a yacht and you're kind of down to not. I'm kind of down to fuck with white pants. Okay. I'm fucking with the idea of white pants, which then also led me to the idea that I should also cop some blue vans because you can't... I already have white vans, but you can't wear the white on the white. At least I can't. They're too dirty.

These vans are a year and a half old at this point. Also, isn't that like a pre-summer thing, like wearing white for the summer? Yeah. Then I didn't have the huevos to pull the trigger, but I think the wait after Labor Day, that's fine. That's not a real fucking thing. A baseball bat? Wow.

What's that for? I just used to have a baseball bat in my apartment and I kind of liked it. I liked holding it and carrying it around. And I've missed the feeling. So, well, I was thinking about buying it, but that was July 20th and I haven't thought about it since then. So maybe you didn't want it. Maybe I didn't want it.

And then, oh, I bought a pair of cycling glasses that I spent very little money on them, but I didn't like the way they fit and I returned them. And then you could get expensive ones, but I wasn't sure if I was ready. That's why I emailed myself. It seems like you haven't bought anything that you wanted. It seems like you're over 12 on the shit that you still want. No, we're getting to you. I bought one of the t-shirts that I sent to myself on August 1st.

I ended up buying it around August 10th and I have it now and I like it. All right, that's good. This is like what parents say to their kids when they want a tattoo, like, wait a year and if you still want it, you can get it. Yeah, exactly. But when it comes to spending money, I think it's just so easy to like, and your credit card information is all saved. It's just on a whim, you can suddenly spend cash and then you don't really want or need

this stuff. Interesting. I'm the opposite. I don't buy anything. I don't think about like new clothes or I don't, I don't even remember the last time I bought any new clothes for myself. Like since the pandemic started, I haven't gotten like a t-shirt or, oh, I guess I bought shorts when it starts to get hot out.

Yeah, I don't think I haven't bought very much through the pandemic, but I think like after the, this summer, after the vaccines, you know, pre everything, now I was going back out in New York City and like, I feel like just walking around New York City, you just see so many fucking hot people and you're like, well, that guy's wearing white pants. I need those. I need to go home. But now I don't, now I don't do that. Did I, I, I kind of wanted a bat recently, I don't think I told you this, but we had

a scare in my house and I'm like, ooh, maybe I should get some bat for like fucking protection. You had, wait, somebody like broke in? No, I forgot to tell you this and I've definitely forgot to talk about it on the podcast. So it was like the middle of the night and Avital and I were asleep and pitch black like four a.m. and we heard like this huge crash and we're like, holy shit, we both shot up out of bed. It sounded like somebody kicked down the front door of our house. Like that's what it's like.

Oh my God. So scary. She like grabs Luke and like, oh my God, did you hear that? Like, yeah, what was that? Holy shit. And I'm like, my heart is pounding. I'm looking at the ring cam. Like, there's nothing at the ring cam to like a car hit the back of our house.

Like what the hell happened to somebody here? I'm looking on Twitter to see if there was like a sonic boom or an earthquake or something. Heart beating. I like slowly get out of bed. I'm like, I don't have anything right. Yeah. Whoever wants me have at me, which is why I was thinking about a bat just because like my scrawny ass holding a bat maybe could have slowly walked down the hallway to the

front door. I turn on the light and a painting, a poster fell over and that was the crash. Yeah. So fucking scary. But it's like after we figured that out, we're like, oh, thank God. But it's not like that. I can then go back to sleep. My heart is still like racing.

Yeah. You're adrenaline is fucking through the roof. As if somebody kicked down the front door. That's how loud it felt that it worked both of us up from a dead sleep from that to instantly the most scared I've ever been in my entire life in less than a second. It's like, all right, let's go back to sleep. When I can't go back to sleep. This was like a month ago.

You should buy a bat. Gotta get a bat. Then I start fucking start wailing on the painting. The painting. Yeah. Yeah. Like a goddamn pinata. Yeah.

I start fucking hacking at it like a fax machine in office space. That's what's up. Do you get a wooden bat or a metal college world series style? A wooden. You got to go wooden classic. It's like Tom Cruise and A Few Good Men. Yeah. Where's my bat?

I think better with my bat. A fucking Louisville slugger. That's right. It's exactly right. That's what the link is. It's to Dick's Sporting Goods. Actually, there's an autographed A-Rod bat from 1998. I guess he hit 50 home runs.

This was the bat that he used. I don't. It's $95,000, PSA 9 because the autograph was laser etched and there was some noise around the etching. That's not the kind of thing. I'm going to send you the link. No. Fine.

Send me the link. I can't even wait. I'm buying this shit right now. Please do not. I will not pay you for that. I will not pay you for that. You can Venmo me later. It doesn't have to be any time soon.

Way beyond the Venmo limit. Taxes are. It's never going to happen. Fuck. Taxes are $17,206. I'm not fucking doing this. I don't want this. Let's do it.

I do not want it. Let's fucking do it. Yes. I'm throwing in a Honus Wagner rookie card, which costs $4.2 million. Fine. That's sort of as an impulse buy. Okay. So we're 4.3 all in plus the taxes.

I don't want to. This is all on a one. Plus tax. I don't want to spend more than 2 million. We're not splitting this evenly. 4.5. I'll kick in 2Ms. I will kick in 2Ms, but I'm not going more than that.

All right. So I'll get the last 2.5 million. I have to sort of moosh it around. Actually, is the LeBron card still behind you over there? Yeah. Yeah, it is. Let's take a look at that. Yeah, I sort of want it.

This was a Super Bowl bit from last Super Bowl. I owe Jake a basketball card worth $50, sprung for a LeBron James 2017 PSA 10. Yeah. Phil, I used it as a coaster and the plastic kind of came off. I got Wendy's nuggets and I put the touch up there. Inside. Yeah. Inside.

That's an optic. I was trying to dip. That's a population of just 11. There's not many of those cards on earth and it's numbered, one of 4.99, Gemmint. And you're using it sort of as a coaster. Wow. Number five. That's a low number.

Yeah. A very low number. Yeah. So it's like worth a lot, a lot more than the 50 I paid to give it to you. So just try to keep it in that case, that slab where you can't see the heat. Don't touch it. You're cracking the fucking slab. I'm trying to scratch off the cats up, buddy.

It's not worth Jack's shit the way it is right now. It's a little dog eared is all. Yeah. I guess you were using it as a bookmark. Yeah. By the way, you don't have to dog ear the bookmark. The bookmark is the mark. You don't have to dog ear the bookmark that's using.

It's instead of dog earing the page, use the bookmark. I see that now. Yeah. That's a crease. But it was also a coaster and it was also a ketchup dipper. How much is this one worth? That's a good question. Let's see.

What is it? The 2017, 2018. What is it? 2017, Panini Don Russ Optic. 2017, LeBron. Optic LeBron. PSA 10. Yeah.

Is it PSA 10? You tell me. Yeah. Nice. Wait. Was it 2017? Let me see. Yeah, 2017.

What is he doing? See. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That duel. It looks like it has gone up in value. It was sold recently for $71.

Wow. Yeah. That's pretty solid. That's actually. You tech? Yeah. But you technically owe me the difference. I gave you a $50 card away and it's appreciated in value to $71.

All I owe you is $50. The 21 is mine. You should be Venmoing me the difference every day that something sells. Fine. Fine. I don't want to base. I'll Venmo you the difference and I don't want to talk about this anymore. How about that?

Actually, it sold two months ago for $91. It's the only $41 from that. You're fucking Niclund Diamond. This is for a bet. What was it? It was the Super Bowl bet? It was the Super Bowl bet and football is finally back. Wow.

I bet on Brady. That's right. It turns out he won a Super Bowl, which I guess I should have seen coming, of course. You bet on one goat, one another, some might say. Okay. Let's take a break. Let's answer some more questions on the other side of these massages. Tight.

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you

need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma.

Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. There are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're a great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. A photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame.

This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant.

Yeah. She misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame?

Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app.

I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that.

You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes. It's a u r a frames dot com and our listeners can use code head gum to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames.

There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's aura frames a u r a frames dot com. Okay.

Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code head gum for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, aura. To the head gum podcast you were listening to this show is sponsored by better help. Thank you. Better help.

If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge.

It's incredibly helpful therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with better help. All you got to do is go to better help dot com slash if I were you. You do that today.

10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's better help H E L P dot com slash if I were you. Check him out. Thanks.

Better help. All right. Here's a sticky ass situation. Another dude who just got broken up with on Valentine's Day. So we'll call him Denzel Valentine, which is the name of the basketball player. Got it. I moved in with my girlfriend of three years and thought everything was going great. So great in fact that on Valentine's Day, I gifted her a bracelet for my deceased grandmother.

Well, guess what? Seven months later, she dumped my ass. I packed up my stuff and asked for the bracelet back, but the bracelet meant a lot to my grandmother and me. So I felt kind of bad, but yeah, my ex insisted that she had already given the bracelet back. And after turning the flat upside down, I had to give it up for lost. I blocked my ex on everything so I can move on and I hadn't hurt from her since until my best friend sent a link to her only fans.

Wow. I don't blame her for setting up an account. She's a dime and making some serious coin. But what I do mind is that in the main photo, my ex is strumming herself like a guitar. She's clearly wearing my grandmother's beloved bracelet. Yikes. How the heck do I confront her with this proof to get the bracelet back without looking like a creepy ex?

Thanks. Wow. It's a classic. I mean, yeah. Modern Seinfeld situation. It is. You can look creepy, but really, she looks like a thief. She stole the bracelet.

You don't have to worry about how you look. She thought she lost it and now she has it. I think she's firmly in the wrong with this. So you can, you can, I mean, you're not going to look good to her. You're not going to look good to her. There's no way that's not going to happen, but you don't have to look good to her. Yeah. Because she stole from you and it's more about you and your nan than it is about you and

her at this point. Locked her on all social media. You're not in her life anymore. You obviously did subscribe to her only fan, so you care a little bit. So that's, but that's fine. Did you see the subject of this email? Only Nans. Pretty good.

Pretty good. Very good. It's funny. I gifted this lady a bracelet because she was like, you know, sort of, she added it to her Amazon wish list and, you know, all the guys from only fans are like sort of competing to become the Prince Charming, as it were, and you know, yeah. And so I gave her a tennis bracelet. It kind of looks like the one that she's using to sort of, like he said, strum herself like

a guitar. And it's so funny because the one that I gave her was supposedly pretty, it was pricey. It was I think 21 K after all in and she's, she's never worn it. She has, she must have like 10 of them at this point because she keeps saying like, I don't have, even after I gave her one, she's like, I don't have any messages, just me and says like, I'm just sort of, I'm playing up the fact that I still have one. It's a racket. It's a tennis break bracelet and it's a tennis racket.

That's right. Okay. And you know that famous tennis racket company head? Yeah. Yeah. Like that's borderline what we're kind of hoping for when we give her these gifts. Borderline. It's of course what you're hoping for.

Well, she's sort of playing hard to get in a way and like all of us like a fiddle. So we are, we had this meetup where we all thought we were meeting her and it was at this shaky's pizza in the valley and like 41 of us showed up and she was, she was sick that day. So she ended up, she looked like tennis racket. She has, she has one too many princes. Talk about her again. Let's see how I react.

Let's see. No, let's say you, let's see what happens. You're reacting. You're reacting. I'm about this woman that clearly means a lot to me. Let's hear it. What did you say about me? I was making a tennis pun.

Nothing about you. Would you call me a quince? See, you didn't even hear what I said in your mat. I made a tennis pun and tried to get on board. You said you were trying to get head like a tennis racket. I made it, there were a lot of princes meeting a lot of suitors and it's another tennis company. That's pretty funny actually.

Sorry. I heard a hedge from the, the loud noise I heard late at night about a month ago and then the cheese from the pizza earlier. I was thinking about it. You actually shouldn't get a bat because you're a little quick to fly off the handle. Actually, I could probably just use the tennis racket really. So someone comes into my house and I'm just hitting fucking overhand shot over overhand shot backhand slices to his knees.

Raptor, winner style. We never, we never ended up playing tennis when you came out to LA. Oh yeah, that's right. Well, I'll be, I'll be there again in the middle of August. That's right. Yeah. So we set up a, set up a fucking tee time and a court time. We should actually make that a Patreon stretch goal.

Did you play tennis with us or just watch us play tennis? No, we'll have a one-on-one tournament winner take all. What does that mean? Winner take all. We'll play for the card. Did you see that a professional tennis player emailed us saying that if we ever needed lessons or a hitting partner, he'd be down to help? Jesus, was it John Isner?

No. I don't want to out this guy, but he's, his name is Alex and he's currently the 122nd best tennis player in the world, according to his rankings. That's pretty solid. That's really up there. I don't think I ever got it. Doubles, but still, yeah. I don't think I ever got higher than 122.

Definitely not higher than 122. Sorry. You, you were never ranked. You were never ranked. I didn't say I was ranked. I said I never got higher than 122. Why are you drilling down on every fucking thing I say? I just said I didn't get higher than 122.

Let's move on and people can assume whatever they want to assume. If they want to assume that I was a professional tennis player that was really fucking good, they can. You were never professional. I'm saying you don't have to drop down on everything. You don't have to drill down on every single thing that I say. You were the worst player on your high school. On your high school.

There's no way you're even close to being ranked on the 18th. And I didn't say I was ranked. I didn't say I was ranked. I said I never got close to being 122 or I never got higher than 122. I don't think I ever got higher than 122. It's fucking misleading. It's the same way when you say that you went to Yale. I did go to Yale.

I'm talking about. You went to the, you saw, you like walk through the fucking campus. I grew up in New Haven. Of course I went to Yale. Over and over again. But when you say I went to Yale, it sounds like you went, you got into the school and studied at Yale. I never said that.

But you didn't. I didn't. Yeah. Yeah, you never said that. But you do make it sound like you did. You make it sound like you're a fucking semi-professional tennis player that studied at Yale. You think 122 is semi-professional. No.

But you say that. I was actually pretty damn professional to me. And I'm not saying I got higher than that. I don't think I did. I know for a fact you did not because you were never ranked and you didn't go to Yale. You didn't go to Yale. I did go to Yale and I did not ever get ranked higher than 122. Then I.

I'm the ATP. Same with me then. Guilty. Same with me. I went to Yale, aka walked to the fucking school once, and I was never ranked higher than 122 in the world at any sport. Wow. Something you and I have in common because I, yeah, as I said, I went to Yale and I

didn't get over 122 on the ATP ranking. Despite my best efforts, I will add. And that's the truth. We should do a pro-am of sorts with this guy, Alex, and he plays doubles mostly. So it'd be like, Alex and his doubles partner, me with Alex, you with the doubles partner and we'll see how we do. Oh, that's fun. That's really fun.

I like that. But we get to return their serves and they have to return ours. So it'll be a series of aces and then a series of winners after we sort of loft really slow challenges. Yeah. You and I, it's basically them playing singles. So it's like, which one of them can hit the ball to us better? Yeah.

And if we get hit with the ball, then we'll call that an insta loss, which will be fun to see, I think. Yeah. Perfect. As a Patreon stretch goal. Do we get this guy advice? He can tell his girlfriend that somebody sent him the link and he saw the bracelet and he wants it back.

That is what happened. It's exactly what happened. I think that's fair. Yeah. I mean, it would be more embarrassing if you stumbled upon it yourself, but then you could just say that your friend sent it to you. This one, your friend actually sent it to you. Yeah.

Your friend sent it to you. Sweet. There it is. That's easy. There it is. I didn't tell you my idea that we should become Seattle Kraken NHL fans and try to become the most popular Seattle, because right now the franchise doesn't exist, so they don't have any premiere fans.

We could be by default the most famous Seattle Kraken fans. Because no one else cares about them yet. Yet. Yeah. I assume other Seattle celebrities will slowly rise to the top. Someone's going to beat us to it for sure. Yeah. Matt Memorial will be maybe their game one, but if we get preseason tickets and we're

like, we're all in on Seattle Kraken, maybe we can finagle our way to becoming the most ... I'm a big fan of Seattle. I love Seattle. Right. I like Kraken in general, like the idea of a sea creature, a sea beast. Yeah. Actually, my D&D character is kind of like an old school sailor who would have fought

Kraken's and stuff, so that actually tracks. That tracks a lot. I wake you again into hockey. It's not too dissimilar from the soccer that you're into, and it's during the same season as ... Football, please. Oh, sorry. Football.

Football on ice, basically. Yeah. I could fuck with hockey. I just never ... I feel like I can't see the puck when I watch hockey on TV. Yeah. That's a huge problem, because they're big guys, and then sometimes you see the puck, and sometimes they're just sort of lost inside the group of guys that are fighting for the puck.

Yeah. But I could definitely ... I've been to some hockey games, and I had a great time. Professional NHL games? Yeah. I've been to two Rangers games, actually. Wow. Are you willing to leave the Rangers and join the Kraken cast? The Kraken community?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. Just putting it out there. The Kraken Fan Club actually needs eight members for one of each of its tentacles. That's funny. That's good.

So it's me and you, and then we just need six others. So that's a good way for us to meet celebrities as well. It's like Jake and Amir, Macklemore, Russell Wilson, Sean Kemp, yeah, and then we need four other famous Pearl Jam, maybe. That's four people right there. There it is. Great. And then we're just sort of a pod as it were rooting for the Kraken, and we've sort of

weaseled our way into becoming the biggest Kraken fans on the web. They probably all have other shit to do, but you and I, we're not that busy. We could go to every game. Yes. And if they give us, what is it called? Quartzside? Tickets? Yeah, but what's it called when you're on the ...

Ringside? Yeah, ringside. We really want ringside tickets. If anybody from the Seattle Kraken is listening to this, Jake and I would love to sort of don your jerseys and sit ringside at a Kraken Golden Knights game. Not bad. Yeah. All right.

That's it. That's our time. Thanks for listening. Thanks for emailing in your questions. If you got your own theme song, send them all down to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. That's right. Opening theme song was by Misty Lakes or it was just half of it, so let's hear the entire theme song now.

Keep the dream alive. For more of us, chatting, content, videos, animated shorts, everything, it's patreon.com slash ja. That's right. There's a new stuck out right now. Correct. Three episodes of that animated series. We're putting outtakes to the Jake and Amir episodes that we're posting.

There's Jake and Amir rewatches. I mean, the Patreon is blowing up. There's no better time to join. It's buzzing. We're making a lot of shit recently. Some could argue too much shit. Not us though. Not enough.

We love it. Okay. We'll be back. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

That was a hit gum original.